Comedy of the Week - Randy Feltface's Destruction Manual

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Randy Feltface is done with us ruining the earth beneath our feet whether we’re digging it up, setting fire to it, or tipping it into the sea so with the help of an irritable duck, a fictional Frenc...h coal miner and a sexy earthworm he works out the best way to just get the whole destruction business over and done with.This head-on charge into possibly the most important subject facing humanity comes to you via a show where you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll learn, you’ll laugh again between the learny bits and most of all, you’ll be able to say “I was there when Radio 4 decided to have a show hosted by a puppet”.The full series is available now. Just search 'Randy Feltface's Destruction Manual' on BBC Sounds.Randy Feltface has been seen on Netflix, ABC, NBC, and has a huge & devoted following across the globe (1m+ social media followers, 1.6m TikTok followers, 833k subscribers, 79m YouTube views). His hour-long specials are YouTube cult classics, his world tours are sold-out sensations, and he's the only Radio 4 presenter to be entirely made of felt.With Margaret Cabourn-Smith & William HartleyProduced & directed by David TylerA Pozzitive production for BBC Radio 4

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. This is history at its grubbiest and funniest. Enjoy the complete TV soundtracks of all four Blackadder series, starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. Got him with my subtle plan. I can't see any subtle plan. Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
Starting point is 00:00:28 and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing, subtle plans are here again. Start listening to Blackadder, the complete collected series from BBC Audiobooks, available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello everyone. My name is Randy Feltface and this is my brand new four part audio series about how to speed up climate change and end the planet as quickly as possible.
Starting point is 00:01:04 Welcome to Randy Feltface's Destruction Manual. audio series about how to speed up climate change and end the planet as quickly as possible. Welcome to Randy Feltface's Destruction Manual! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I am equal parts honoured and baffled to have somehow infiltrated the BBC to bring you this hastily researched four-part tax write-off. For those of you who don't know me, hello, my name is Randy, and for those of you who can't see me, I'm arguably funnier in real life. Radio is not the traditional format for someone of my particular physical appearance. This, for example, probably won't translate. You can find a detailed description of that visual gag
Starting point is 00:01:50 if you sign up for my Patreon. Otherwise, feel free to send in a complaint. Dear BBC, when oh when will you stop providing a platform to puppets? I'm aware that my transition to audio is a bold career move, but I was in fact offered this contract as part of Radio 4's diversity recruitment strategy. It's not the first time a cis man has managed to slip through that net, but...
Starting point is 00:02:19 But I promise not to lean too heavily on the visual gags. Apart from this one. Probably not the smartest move to alienate the listeners in the opening two minutes of a radio show. So for anyone currently not in a position to image search me on Google, let me paint a self-portrait. Bulbous, unblinking eyes, purple skin, naked from the waist down. I'm like a grisly discovery in the opening scene of an episode of CSI Manchester. And I know from the outside it looks like my career has been a 20 year free fall down a set of stairs with me somehow landing on my feet at the bottom without spilling my beer and saying, meant that.
Starting point is 00:03:07 But I've worked hard to get here. What do you want from me? A comprehensively indulgent career backstory? You got it! It was the summer of 1998. I enrolled in an intensive three-week clowning masterclass with the sociopathic mime artist Pierre Goubert. He taught me the art of mask, dance and how to hate myself on a budget. I spent the next six years juggling lawn mowers on the streets of Prague until
Starting point is 00:03:38 I was scouted by a talent agent for a cruise ship company called Petri Dish Productions. I hit the high seas and did 17 shows a week for eight years, performing a rock opera interpretation of the Darren Aronofsky film, Requiem for a Dream. I played a double-ended dildo called Dennis. When I finally got back to dry land, I was an angry, self-involved, misanthropic drug addict with wandering hands and PTSD. So a career in comedy was the obvious next step. After three years bombing on the open mic circuit, I realised I would never be funny
Starting point is 00:04:15 enough to win best comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, so I became a political comedian, using my platform to rail against global injustice while including just enough dick jokes to meet industry standards. I became known as the climate comedian and I adapted my lifestyle accordingly. It defined me and ultimately it defeated me. I virtue signaled, pontificated, and veganed my way into hopelessness. Any effort on my part to defend the environment was met with double the effort by those intent on destroying it. It was like being a lawyer for Donald Trump. Doesn't matter how good your defense is,
Starting point is 00:04:53 at some point he'll still open his mouth. So I did a complete 180. I stopped feeling guilty about single use plastics and traded my electric car in for a super yacht. I decided that if we're going to kill the planet, let's get it over and done with. Then, two years ago, I was offered the opportunity to create a series for BBC Radio 4. This was a chance to spread my message of planetary annihilation. So one week ago I started writing it and here we are This is my audio magnum opus a punchy gag heavy soundgasm of fact and funny with each episode
Starting point is 00:05:38 Framed by its own elemental theme earth fire air water It's a handbook for optimistic nihilists, proudly brought to you by the Remover Tree Foundation, where each tree removed directly benefits Nepalese soil erosion. So without further ado, let's open up the Destruction Manual! Page one. Introduction. In 1988 Cliff Richard had the UK's highest selling single of the year with Mistletoe and Wine, a four minute pile of sentimental reindeer shit that still earns Sir Cliff £100,000 a year in royalties. We fact checked that, it's true!
Starting point is 00:06:23 1988 was also the year the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was established. And as scientists began reporting back on the negative impacts of greenhouse gas emissions, the rest of us were still stubbing out cigarettes on the heads of our children. Oil and gas companies immediately began funding their own research in an attempt to discredit the new environmental science and we've been toing and throwing on it for 36 years this debate has been raging for the entire lifespan of Rupert Grint. Today climate change deniers are louder than ever and the planet is falling apart quicker than a two-pound crop top from Sheen. Shine. Shee-ine. Whatever the hell it's called.
Starting point is 00:07:08 According to a 2023 report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, or IPCC, not to be confused with ICPP, a phrase more commonly associated with Russell Brand, the temperature is rising and the oceans are dying. We're facing unprecedented biodiversity loss, food insecurity, drought, fire, flood and 10 too many seasons of Love Island. The crisis has been described by United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres as an atlas of human suffering and a damning indictment of failed climate leadership. To which those responsible for climate leadership have replied,
Starting point is 00:07:49 ICPP. We are currently fighting a losing battle. We've had a rupid grince worth of time to fix this. Now I know some of you still have hope that we can turn things around, but personally I think it's time to throw another Siberian tiger on the fire and charge towards extinction like a paparazzi pursuing a princess. And look, I'm- oh it was ages ago, get over it! And look, I'm still open to being convinced otherwise,
Starting point is 00:08:22 but I assure you, I am not easily influenced. In fact, just the other day I was at a cryptocurrency convention with my AA sponsor and I said to him, I said, I am not easily influenced. So, over the next four Madcap episodes, I will be consulting with experts and idiots to answer the question once and for all, should we even fucking bother? (*audience laughs*) (*upbeat music*) Chapter one, Earth. 300 million years ago,
Starting point is 00:08:52 the Earth was covered in dense forests, swamps and wetlands, like a Welsh rugby team from the waist down. (*audience laughs*) This swampy vegetation accumulated until it was buried beneath a layer of sediment where it spent millions of years transforming into coal. That's how coal is made.
Starting point is 00:09:12 Isn't that crazy? At some point, stay with me, it's very early in the show. At some point, humans figured out that if you dig it up and set fire to it, coal is a nifty fuel for heating and cooking, and when ingested, lowers cholesterol and reduces flatulence. Excuse I. Now, if you're anything like me, you're more than happy to plug in your iPad and scour the dark web for semi-automatic weapons and methamphetamines without a second thought
Starting point is 00:09:43 as to how the iPad is powered. So for any other morons listening, here's how coal becomes electricity. Coal is found several hundred feet beneath the Earth's surface, which is also where I keep my traumatic childhood memories. Once located, the coal is violently excavated and immediately set on fire, which is also how I process my traumatic childhood memories. The burning coal heats water, creating steam which spins turbines, creating electricity which then goes grid, my house, iPad, dark web, guns, meth, sweet
Starting point is 00:10:21 revenge. In 1882, two German immigrants brewed the first British lager in Wrexham, establishing a tradition whereby a pair of foreigners turn up uninvited in Wrexham and create a successful enterprise at the expense of the city's overall integrity. But 1882 also marked the opening of the first coal-fired power plant in London and Britain became the world's leading coal producer and exporter, driving its industrial dominance, solidifying its class division and turning the sky an enchanting shade of poo brown. And while there have been advancements in coal-related technology, the basic principle
Starting point is 00:11:05 of digging it up and setting it on fire hasn't changed in 142 years. If it wasn't making a shitload of money for a handful of truly horrible people, you'd almost call it outdated. Oil and gas extraction also took off in the 19th century and really started to ramp up the pollution factor of the Industrial Revolution. Rivers, lakes and oceans took it in the face on a daily basis. The soil became more toxic than my last relationship. And when measured over the last eight decades, the atmospheric carbon dioxide levels rose at a rate 400 times faster than in the previous
Starting point is 00:11:46 grows at a rate 400 times faster than in the previous 5,000 years. Which is the same speed at which my anxiety increases whenever I'm forced to perform a parallel park before a crowd of alfresco diners. Keep your eyes on you Putin-esque Marjorie, there's nothing to see here. Since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, we have added over 2 trillion tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere trapping heat causing temperatures to
Starting point is 00:12:10 rise and throwing off the delicate balance of why are we still having this conversation in 2024. So how do we go about exacerbating those issues in order to fast-track our own extinction? To help answer that question, I'm joined by two special guest panellists who will argue the yeas and the nays of climate change in my favourite segment of the show, the yeas and the nays! Yeas and the nays! Yeas and the nays! Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye Tonight our Yaysayer is John Buddle. John is best known for the significant contributions he made to coal extraction and transportation in the North East of England, achievements which earned him the affectionate title of King of the Coal Trade.
Starting point is 00:12:54 He died in 1843 and he's here with us now. Thanks for joining us John. Great to be here, Randy. Tonight's Naysayer is Catherine Mayhew, who of course everybody knows as the fictional character from Emile Zoller's seminal 1885 novel, Germinal. Hello Catherine. Hello. Catherine, I'll start with you.
Starting point is 00:13:15 You're the eldest daughter of an impoverished coal miner, and during a miner's strike for better working conditions and wages, you were shot and killed. What have you got against mining? Well, Randy, aside from my untimely death... Sure. I think it's obvious the harmful impacts of the fossil fuel industry far outweigh the
Starting point is 00:13:36 benefits. Bullshit. You disagree, John? Stocks thundered, climate alarm is crap from the propagandist mouthpiece of left-wing stooges who back the losing green energy horse. Ha ha ha ha! This is exactly the kind of constructive debate I was hoping for. Your turn, Catherine.
Starting point is 00:13:53 The fossil fuel industry is responsible for global warming, ocean acidification, melting ice, rising sea levels, destroyed habitat and extreme weather events. Fact. Okay, look, without so-called fossil fuels, rising sea levels, destroyed habitat and extreme weather events. Fact. OK, look, without so-called fossil fuels, we'd have no transportation, no power and no industry. And now a bunch of corrupt governments are trying to control the energy sector with this renewables nonsense. It's a shameless cash grab. Is there anything to eat? There's no catering budget. That was made clear in your contract.
Starting point is 00:14:20 Catherine, your thoughts? Well, I guess you could have at least provided light refreshments. No, I mean about the fossil fuels thing. And there's tea and coffee in the green room. And I bought a packet of Tunnock's tea cakes with my own money, by the way. Look, can we just stay on message please, Catherine? John raises a good point about coal-fired technology. What are your thoughts?
Starting point is 00:14:41 He's talking about technology that was developed before we had a complete understanding of how the Earth's atmosphere even works. I mean, this was back when women were still being institutionalised for hysteria. Calm down, love. Okay. So, so Catherine, if coal energy is so dangerously outdated, where should we turn instead? We need to harness the energy of the sun and convert it into electricity. Ah... Just imagine a series of cells made from semi-conducting materials like silicon and when sunlight strikes
Starting point is 00:15:15 the cells it excites electrons creating a flow of electricity. I call them sun suckers. We already have those. What? They're called solar panels. Ah! Can I have a cup of tea please? Yes John! And you can make me one while you're at it.
Starting point is 00:15:29 Oat milk, two sugars, chop chop. I'd make it myself but I have to read a paid advertisement now because we blew the entire budget on a necromancer to reanimate your corpse! Looking for the perfect holiday destination to escape this winter? Look no further than Brazil's coastal catastrophe, the town of Atafona. The perfect combination of deforestation, poorly planned municipal water management, a history of unregulated coalmining, and a devastating increase in climate change-related storm surges makes Atafona's rapidly eroding coastline the ideal destination for a horrifying existential crisis.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Spend the day searching for the 2,000 local residents who have been displaced. Fall asleep to the sound of houses crumbling into the sea. And wake up in your very own watery grave. Atifona, see it while it still exists. Mmm, that's good tea, John Tar. Welcome back to the Destruction Manium. We're talking about the effects of coal mining with John Buddle, the King of Coal, and Catherine Mayhew, who you of course all know as the fictional character from Emile Zoller's seminal 1885 novel, Germinal.
Starting point is 00:16:42 Catherine, you were killed at a minor strike. What were you doing there at the time? I was trying to protect Etienne. And who is Etienne again? He was my lover. Right, yes, of course. And did he work at the mine? Did you even read Emile Zola's seminal 1885 novel, Geminal? I skimmed it. I skimmed it. I'll come back to you. John! John, you played a key role in the development of railways for transporting coal from mines to shipping points. If you were alive today, what other innovations can you think of that might increase the harmful effects of coal extraction?
Starting point is 00:17:23 Well, there's loads of places we haven't mined yet. Really? Well, yeah. Think of all we haven't mined yet. Really? Well, yeah. Think of all those useless forests sitting on massive coal deposits. Are you seriously suggesting we clear more forests? This is really solid stuff, John. Great work. Anything else? You could always set fire to the coal while it's still in the ground. Oh, that's good. Say more.
Starting point is 00:17:39 Well, I expect it would speed things up if you figured out a way to just send the toxic gas directly to the Earth's core. You want the Earth to start vaping? Exactly. Great way to get the kids involved. You know what, let's put a pin in the coal conversation for a minute because there's plenty of other ways we can damage the earth. Deforestation, topsoil degradation, pickleball. To find out more about how this impacts everyday citizens, let's open the phone lines. First caller is Edith from Bangladesh. Go ahead Edith, you're on the air.
Starting point is 00:18:11 Hello Randy, I'm a long time fan of the show. Thanks Edith, although as we're only half way through the very first episode, I'm going to call bullshit on that, but it's nice to have you with us. What's on your mind Edith? I'm the last pink-headed duck. Come again? Pink-headed duck. I'm the last one. Everyone else is dead.
Starting point is 00:18:30 There you have it listeners, tangible evidence of community members suffering from the effects of climate change. Edith, tell us more about your dead friends. Well, what's funny is no one knows if I'm extinct or not. They've been looking for me in Bangladesh since the 1940s. I've been hiding the whole time. Where are you hiding? Middlesbrough.
Starting point is 00:18:50 Middlesbrough? Yeah. In North Yorkshire? Yeah. Why? Got something against Middlesbrough. Seems like a weird place to hide. Don't they have quite a high crime rate?
Starting point is 00:19:02 My entire species was hunted to the brink of extinction. I think I can handle a few yobbs at a bus stop. Okay, so what do you want to talk about today, Edith? The Linthorpe Road cycle lane. They spent £1.7 million installing these bicycle lanes and everyone hates them. But surely the council put them in to make the city more environmentally friendly?
Starting point is 00:19:22 They didn't consult with the locals first. They completely buggered it because now it'll be a blanket no from the townsfolk any time the council proposes environmentally progressive infrastructure. Middlesbrough's gone to the dogs. Well, I have heard it's a bit of a shithole. Yes, but compared to the habitat destruction and water pollution I was dealing with at home, Middlesbrough's a bloody utopia. They've got five boots pharmacies within walking distance of the city centre. Five boots, I mean. You do the maths.
Starting point is 00:19:53 What is the maths? Well, it's the population of Middlesbrough divided by five boots. What's the population? I think it's about 140,000. Okay, so it's 140,000 divided by 5. What's that? Uh, 140,000 divided by 2 is 70,000. How many Rupert Grintz is that? Uh, 28,000. 28,000? That's the maths.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Well, thanks for joining us, Edith. It's good to work out the maths. Okay. Bye. Bye. We've got Gordon on line 2. Go ahead, Gordon. You're on the air. I think Edith is wrong. You like the bike lanes? No, because she's a duck.
Starting point is 00:20:29 I don't like ducks. I probably shouldn't ask this question, but why don't you like ducks? I'm an earthworm, Randy. Ducks eat earthworms. You do the maths. We're not doing maths again! And look, I'm not really buying the whole earthworms, you do the maths. We're not doing maths again! And look, I'm not really buying the whole earthworm thing to be honest. How did you even dial the number? I have a rotary phone.
Starting point is 00:20:52 That creates more questions than answers. I want to talk about the topsoil. Okay. What do you know about topsoil? Er, I read somewhere that we only have 60 years of harvests left. Well there's actually no scientific basis in that, because there's no single metric to measure the lifespan of topsoil. But unsustainable agricultural practices and livestock overgrazing
Starting point is 00:21:11 are still creating a terrible issue. Get down Iggy, get down! You have a dog? Yeah, he's great company, but he is quite a handful. Oh, he's a handful, is he? Bit much for your worm hands, is he? Look, I just want to talk about soil. We need to start rewilding agricultural land
Starting point is 00:21:28 and figuring out a way to increase crop yields while protecting our cultivable soils. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Usually dogs have worms, not the other way around. And we need to stop using conventional tillage practices and start terrace farming on hillsides. Good point, well made. How do you even look after a dog?
Starting point is 00:21:45 It doesn't make any sense! He's a seeing-eyed dog, you insensitive prick. Ah ha ha ha ha! Because worms don't have eyes! Oh, that's very good. Did you like that? Did you all enjoy Gordon the Earthworm? Anyone at all?
Starting point is 00:22:05 You think we should make him a recurring character? Give him a series arc, maybe give him his own spinoff? My producer told me that because it's an audio recording, I'm not supposed to directly address the studio audience But he also told me to lay off the dexies and I'm not doing that I'm a goddamn audio maverick and I do what I want. What's he gonna do? Cut it from the broadcast? I'd like to see him try...
Starting point is 00:22:30 I believe it was the 13th century... ...13th century Persian philosopher poet Rumi who said, Be like a tree, let the dead leaves drop. I often think of that quote when wiping my ass. I meditate upon the mighty oak tree, cut down in its prime to be pulped, bleach pressed and packaged so that I may employ it to idly cleanse my sphincter between Instagram reels.
Starting point is 00:23:03 I think of all the hotel rooms I've stayed in over the years where there's always been a fresh roll of murdered tree awaiting me beside the throne, and how I will inevitably leave half a roll behind when I check out. Half a roll that housekeeping will dispose of because anything less than a full roll will offend the eyes of the next guest.
Starting point is 00:23:21 I think of those entire forests felled to make perforated paper that will never caress the jet-lagged butthole of a random tourist. I think that Rumi was talking about us. I think Rumi understood the immense power of the tree. I think Rumi understood the unforgivably disrespectful nature of humankind. We are the dead leaves and it's time we were dropped. Deforestation? Check. Back to the yeas and the nays! Yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas and the nays, yeas 1885 novel Germinal. Which you've skimmed. It's on my Kindle. I'll get to it. Etienne was your lover.
Starting point is 00:24:08 And he was at the mining strike. And then you got between him and a bullet. Is that right? That's correct. And how did you meet Etienne? Can I go now? Not yet, John. We still need to figure out how to speed up climate change.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Climate change isn't even real. Bullshit. Oh! Here we go, folks. We got ourselves a match up. In the green corner, she's the eldest daughter of a poor mining family and a symbol of hope and resilience for the French working class. It's the germinator Catherine Lecu.
Starting point is 00:24:34 And in the brown corner, John. Fight! This is not the first time in human history the temperature has risen. John on the attack now. Okay, but if you look at the past 2000 years there were no simultaneous global temperature increases until the last 150 years when 98% of the Earth's surface started warming. Incomprehensible facts from Catherine there. And yet it still snows in London.
Starting point is 00:25:02 Oh, that's interesting reasoning from John. 2023 was the warmest calendar year since records began. Doom and gloom data manipulated by climate gate fraudsters. Classic strategy. Love climate gate. Let's see how he follows it up. Carbon dioxide is a naturally occurring gas. Oh, he's pulled out the big guns. Catherine's got some work to do. Carbon dioxide levels are currently higher than in any other time in the past three million years.
Starting point is 00:25:26 Oh, that is a brutal statistic. If everyone switches to renewable energy, like my sun suckers... Solar panels. Governments will realise fossil fuels are a terrible long-term investment and they'll tax them properly at last, thereby making alternative energy sources more competitive. Good luck with that. Governments spend over five trillion a year subsidising fossil fuel use. For context, it would take Cliff Richard 50 million years
Starting point is 00:25:50 to make that much in royalties from mistletoe and wine. Catherine's on the attack. Last year we had flooding in the Philippines, cyclones in Madagascar, Malawi and Mozambique, landslides in South Korea, India and Pakistan. All normal weather events. Somalia was in drought and then suddenly flooding. Northeast Australia was underwater and there were record
Starting point is 00:26:10 wildfires in Canada. No one cares about Canada. Boom! There were heat waves in Southeast Asia and droughts in South America while a Mediterranean cyclone drowned Greece and burst dams in Libya, killing thousands. Catherine's still listing weather events. I don't think you can blame any of that on the mining industry.
Starting point is 00:26:27 It is a well-documented and irrefutable fact that burning fossil fuels is the largest contributor to global climate change. Is it? Piss weight response from John there, she's got him on the ropes now! 90% of all carbon dioxide emissions are from coal, oil and gas.
Starting point is 00:26:44 And the other 10% is from your fat arse. Oh! John choked in the final round! Let's go to the scoreboard. Oh, we don't have a scoreboard. Let's call it... Let's call it no points for anyone, because this kind of climate debate is precisely why I want to hasten the apocalypse. And I also resent having to resort to a boxing commentary sketch to make horrifying climate
Starting point is 00:27:07 information palatable for a listening audience. So I'm wrapping it up. Let's hear it for our guests, Katherine Mehoo and John Buddle. That brings us to the end of our journey to the centre of the problems of the earth. To recap, we learned that the Industrial Revolution was the straw that broke the camel's carbon footprint. Sure, it gave us wealth, transportation, energy, and industry, but those coal, gas, and oil pioneers
Starting point is 00:27:33 were borrowing from the future to pay for the present, and now we can no longer run from their past. Throw in everything that was said by the duck, the earthworm, the dead guy, and the fictional character from Emile Zola's seminal 1885 novel, Germ novel geminal and so far i've remained entirely unconvinced that the planet is worth saving. Stay tuned for episode two where we'll be investigating fire. What is it? Where does it come from? Can i order it through amazon prime? Why are you still here John? I'm waiting for a taxi. You're a dead leaf, John! You're a dead leaf! See you next time, everybody!
Starting point is 00:28:07 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Randy Felt Face's destruction manual was written by and starred Randy Felt Face.
Starting point is 00:28:16 It also featured Margaret Capon Smith and William Hartley, and the theme music was by Jordy Lane and Claire Reynolds. The producer was David Tyler, and it was a positive production for BBC Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. Hello, I'm Randy Feldface, a purple puppet from Australia and I have managed to infiltrate quiz and dead ringers. If you've never seen me before, Google satanic spawn of Barney the dinosaur and you'll get
Starting point is 00:29:05 the demo idea. The point is the planet is getting hotter. We're on track for mass extinction and I want to see it happen. It's Randy Feldface's Destruction Manual. Available now on BBC Sounds. This is history at its grubbiest and funniest. Enjoy the complete TV soundtracks of all four Blackadder series, starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.
Starting point is 00:29:32 Got him with my subtle plan. I can't see any subtle plan. Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing, subtle plans are here again. Start listening to Blackadder, the complete collected series from BBC Audiobooks. Available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks.

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