Comedy of the Week - The Lovely Boys Talk Good

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

It's their big break, and the Lovely Boys are determined to be successful, no matter what it takes. Expect life coaching and alpha instructions from Branch Power, an Uber ride from the greatest sideman in videogame history, and Benny's fashion choices pushing Willy one step too far.Written and performed by Ben Cohen and Will RobbinsSound Design: Peter Duffy Theme Music Composer: Matty Hutson Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Producer: Rajiv KariaA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This is it, Benny boy. This is our big break. This is our year. Nothing can get in our way. Nothing. Who's this clown in the road? Go round him. Yeah, mate, clown school's the other way.

We need to be hyper-focused. No distractions. Look, a three-legged dog. Pull over. Get it, Benny. Come here, you. Hey, how's your good boy? Sit.

Mate, it's toppled over. Ah, okay, but we can't get toppled over. We have got to stand strong. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ben's had a fall! What happened? Someone's left this leaf in the road as a hazard. Help me up. No, you've got to do it yourself.

We've got to have an alpha mindset. Yeah, alpha mindset. No more Peter Benny. And most importantly, we've got to have absolutely no fear. Ah, ah, ah. What, what? That's it. Let's just bloody start the thing. I'm in the press play. Wait, why do you get to press play? Because I'm the alpha. I'm goating. I'm the big dog, Benny.

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Ruff, ruff. Yeah, yeah. Come here, Benny boy, I'm goating, I'm the big dog Benny. Yeah, come here Benny boy sit. Give me your paw. Paw? We'll press it together, come on Benny boy. Two lovely boys holding hands side by side, there's love in their hearts but there's tears in their eyes. Three is too many but one ain't enough to sail when the waters get rough. You need two lovely boys filled with love. My name's Branch Power. I've been eating food for 55 years. With 60 years of experience, I think I know a thing or two about nutrition. You want to eat your way into an early grave, or you want to eat your way back into the womb?

Follow my 5-year meal plan, and you can be 10 years younger in the space of three weeks. Here comes the science Welcome to the gut biodome Your gut is filled with acidic alkaline Microbial organ donors and the problem with these little guys is they have tiny mouths So they need tiny food with my meal plan We bypass these micro terrorists and keep all the nutrients to ourselves. Here comes the secret. No chewing.

What's that I hear you say? No chewing? That's right. No chewing. You consume all your food whole, power eating, like this. My favorite, lamb chops. Now I don't expect you guys to start straight with a lump of pure testosterone like this. You start with your lasagnas, move on to your arancini balls, and work your way up to your steaks and your chops.

Sign up now and receive your personalized meal pan straight to your inbox. Just $59.99 plus $99.99 post-amp packaging. Meal pan! Uh, Willy, going to a Fortress Road? Yep, that's right. Thank you. How's it going, mate? Are you alright? Life is like a confused teacher. First she gives you the test, and then she teaches you the lesson. Hang on a minute. You're Mario's brother, aren't you? Yes, I'm Mario's brother. Luigi.

Yes, that's it, Luigi. Wow, I can't believe it. So what's Mario up to these days? Ha! Mario. He's up in his castle with his princess and all his gold coins. Legend. So do you still see him? We don't speak in a long time. He thinks he's Mr Big Man. Everybody talk about Mario. Everyone forget about Luigi. Oh, right. Sorry. Maybe you guys can make up? Never! He stiffed me for the royalties Mario car that was my idea it should have been a cold Luigi car well I'm actually running a bit late so you

get a good tip yeah good tip I can still make it is a prius a fly hold on to your asshole here we go hey look at it look at this! Look at this! A bloody Sunday Hey! How did you get tortoise in here? What's happening? It's a bloody tortoise now. You throw it at him, okay? No, I don't know about this. This is a living creature. Three, two, one, throw! Oh, yes! Yes, sir! Direct heat!

Jesus Christ, look, he spun off the road. He just moaned down hundreds of pedestrians. What have we done? What are you eating? No. Oh Oh my God. Are they magic mushrooms? Ah yes. All the problems are melt away. We find the Rainbow Road.

No, no, no. Keep your hands on the wheel, Luigi. Luigi never crashed. I drive for 20 years. I never had a one a dinky dink. On second thought, this is perfect. Drop me here please. I have to get you to your destination, it's Uber policy. And you will give me the gold coins, increase my rating, yes?

Yeah, I'll give you five stars, please mate, please. Look! It's a rainbow road! Strap in! No, that isn't the rainbow road, this is the Birmingham... Whatever! It's a Luigi last ride! One final job complete! A final star! The name's Tree Sap.

Yeah, and I'm Little Acorns. I'm a beat poet and activist. Where am I from? Ha! I'm from this world little acorn. I'm a beat poet and activist. Where am I from? Ha! I'm from this world. This world. This world. Let me borrow your ear just for a minute. I got a speedy boarding pass and a destination. Ha ha ha! It's your mind.

Woman, why? Yeah, yeah. I'm putting my thoughts in your overhead locker. Nyeh! Ow! Be gentle. Don't get uppity because I'm up a tree. And don't be blindsided and misguided! Where am I? Do you want us angry and divided?

Yoko Ono? Civilians in their millions, made to look like the Villians. Meanwhile, King Starmor counts out his billions. Corruption? New from Femtek, the next generation of tampons. Introducing the Krampon Mach 7. Its V12 supercharged design combined with Ramrod technology makes it perfect for the modern day woman who works in a job.

Its carbon fiber shell doubles as a USB dongle with six terabytes of storage capacity, USB-C technology and data transfer rates of up to 10 gigabits per second. The Krampon Max 7 can handle any flow rates. Hydropower fins harness the power of your cycle producing 4,000 kilowatt hours of sustainable energy. The Crampon Mach 7, the only tampon designed by men for women. Hey, how's it going, Willie? You all good? Yeah, all good, mate. How have you been? Yeah, not bad. I can't complain. You're good though, yeah? Things have been so good, man. How are you doing?

Yeah, I'm alright and everything's alright, I guess't complain. You're good though, yeah? Things have been so good, man. How you doing? Yeah, I'm alright and everything's alright, I guess, yeah. You good, yeah? Yeah, man. Everything's great. You okay? Yeah, man. I'm alright. You alright? Yes, mate. I've been good. You alright? Yeah, I'm fine. Are you alright? Yeah, I'm fine too. Are you alright? Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright though? Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright? Yes, mate. I am alright. Are you alright? Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright though? Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright? Yes, man. I'm alright. Are you alright? Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright? I'm alright Are you alright? No I'm not I'm sad Me too! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Now it's time for my biggest challenge yet. Surviving divorce. Let's go.

With almost four gallons of extra-strength lager and seven beta blockers inside me, I've got the courage necessary to complete one of life's toughest tasks, confronting my complicated and beautiful ex, Sandra. Let's go. It's the dead of the night, and I'm in the bush, outside the love of my life's house.

Technically my house, it doesn't matter now. And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the call of a wounded alpha male. Sandra! Sandra! Sandra, please! I'm so sorry I messed it all up! Bear, what are you doing here? I've changed. Take me back, you ruddy cow! You're drunk, Bear. Let me in! Let me stay the night.

You're not coming in here, stinking like an abattoir. Have you got another man up there, you slapper? Is it Ray Mears? Right! That's enough! Piss off! Ah! Ah! Ah!gh! We're under attack! It burns! Ray, if you're up there, you come down and you help your fellow survivalist. I've got to retreat to the shed. Let's go!

With an old yoga mat for a bed, and a top for a blanket, I'm hunkering down for the night and that scalding hot tea is just enough to raise my body temperature for the night which means she clearly still loves me. And now for a late night cocktail. We've got some WD-14, a splash of Windex and a finger of one shotshot drain cleaner no rocks, but I found these cold batteries Hey mate check this out got some new shoes. What do you reckon? Do you fancy a cuppa? Yeah, go on then I might wear them to Tom and Freya's house warming, what do you think?

Err, I might just re-grout the shower area, I just need to freshen up. Okay, that doesn't need to be done now though, right? What about my shoes? Hey, I was thinking, should we go to Alton Towers? Alton Towers? Mate, it's nearly midnight, that's madness. Will, I'm asking you about my shoes. Isn't it mad, the anglerfish? It's madness. I'm well, I'm asking you about my shoes. Isn't it mad the anglerfish? It's the only animal with a lump on its head. Willie what? answer me You just couldn't let it go could you let what go they don't suit you. You can't pull them off

They're too shiny. They've got tassels Look in the mirror! Are you a shiny shoe guy? Maybe, I thought... No you're not! You work in an office doing data entry! I mean, I stop Gap Roll, it's not what I want to do. Yeah, but it is what you do. You're a chicken trying to pass as a peacock. Who wears tartan?

It's upsetting, Ben. I see. Did you keep the receipt? They're vintage. All sales are final. I wish you hadn't have said that. What are you doing? That looks very sharp, Willie. Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah, you've chopped off my feet!

Not again! Ah, that really hurt! It's for your own good. You can't be trusted with your feets anymore. And as for that orange cassio on your wrist... Wee! Ah! No! My left arm! Ah, wow! I'm really losing a lot of blood! Why would you...

Well, at least I'm right-handed. I can still write love letters to my fam... Ah! No! Yah! Ah! Yah! I can still write love letters to my fam- NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN Ah! No! Ah! Oh! Hey! Hey! Now! Okay, now stop! He's taken this a little too far! It's all fun and games, with the arms and legs... Plus my head you've chopped off! That's a bit much! Oh, sorry!

Also, that's a bit rich coming from you! What's that supposed to mean? Flared jeans? John Travolta? Ha ha ha! I see. I have brought shame to myself. There is only one way to preserve my honour. Hey, wait, what are you raising that sword at Xehanort, Willie? No, no. Please, eh, you don't need to. We could go to Kos.

We could start fresh at Zara. Mate, there's a sale on the ASOS. It doesn't need to end this way. Howdy, giddity, biddity, willy, swiffity, giddity. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm getting ready with a swifter gimme! Ahhhh! I'm dying! Ah! Ah! You've been listening to The Lovely Boys

Talk Good The show was written and performed by Ben Cohen and Will Robbins The theme music was written and performed by Matty Hudson The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was the BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. Hello lovely listeners. I know, I know you're busy. Well let me help you my friends with my brand new Friday night comedy, Catherine Bohart TLDR, Too Long Didn't Read. I'll be going beyond the headlines to get to the bottom of one big news story each week. You know that story that is huge and constantly being discussed but you miss the details and now it feels like it's too late to ask?

Yeah, that one. I'll be speaking to people who know what they're talking about, then we can pretend we know what we're talking about when it comes up at a family dinner. So join me for Catherine Bohart TLDR, a new Friday Night Comedy from Radio 4 available on BBC Sounds.