Comedy of the Week - Tim Key's Poetry Programme

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

The poetry show (without the poetry) returns for more comic chaos, with guests Stephen Merchant and Lolly Adefope.This is a poetry programme like no other – over the course of 6 series Key has performed magic, music, cookery and witchcraft; he’s delivered a baby, gone underground, up the Shard and into space.And sometimes he finds time to read poems.This series, regulars Tom Basden and Katy Wix are joined by guest stars Stephen Merchant, Lolly Adefope, Mike Wozniak, Sam Campbell, Simon Armstrong and Morgana Robinson.Written and presented by Tim KeyProduced by James Robinson A BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4

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Ladies and gentlemen, have we got a show for you tonight? Hang on, let me check. Have we? Have we got one? Yeah you tonight hang on let me check have we have we got one? The same we have the same we have give us a cheer if you like quizzes All right, yes, she does look at her face. She's grinning. It was a cheer if you like the daytime Hey, you should you should be over the daytime Hey mate, you shouldn't be out in the daytime. Oh well, you've come to the right place. Lose that Lord we're on. Anyway, hello, good evening, and more importantly, a Hjoudsville common and a hearty alfidezane

to Tim Key's poetry programme. And yes, I am excited, and yes it is for good reason because yes, you've guessed it, we finally did it. Shut up! Me and my twiglet-fingered guitarist, Tommy Bazdan, are at long last on the verge of your friend and mine. Hello everyone, I'm a TV star. Turn it off, Lord.

Oh, the big band's nailing it. Off I say! We have breached security at the BBC Television Centre. We have been ushered into, within spitting distance of Studio 4. We are buried in the hair and make-up zone and we are 30 minutes from our destiny. I'm gonna put some wax on it. That's the world we're in now. A make-up practitioner wearing, for whatever reason, an enormous coat.

Slathering wax into Lord's feathery locks. Yeah, I wouldn't mind us focusing on our TV debut. Laser foe goose, Lord. Laser foe goose. You gotta be in TV. Well then don't broadcast a debut. Laser-fogu's, Lord. Laser-fogu's. You gotta be in TV. Well, then don't broadcast a radio show when we should be prepping, man. Nah, I'm done with radio, mate. Rear view mirrors. Don't say that.

Screw it up, put it in the bin. Bye-bye, radio. Hello? Who's this young maiden? Ah, it's television. We shouldn't admit that to the radio listeners while you're making a radio show. Radio can go spit. Okay. I hate my listeners. Yeah.

Goodbye listeners. Hello viewers. I feel like you should have just done this stuff off air. Lord's first up in the chair. God knows why. Sorry, they just told me to do him first. It's not your fault. I shall never understand TV where glamour meets chaos and nothing makes sense.

They said he's the star. Rightly or wrongly? Wrongly, wrongly. A young lady by the name of Faye. Young lady? Thank you. Well, you're not? Wrongly, wrongly. A young lady by the name of Faye. Young lady? Thank you. Well, you're not an old man, are you? You never know.

No. Faye Winkle. Faye Winkle is applying gunk. The mirror is fez-dooned with light bulbs. And the ghosts of Forsyth, Ripon and Jenis hang heavy in the air. In short, we've made it. Half an hour, chaps, for you, all right? Yep. Thank you, Andrew. No problem. Andy, hour, chaps, for you, all right? Yep, thank you, Andrew.

No problem. Andy, you are smashing it out of there. Am I? Oh, sorry. You're just warming them up. That's right. Preheat oven, gas mark nine, poor audience, into palm of hand. Ding, dinner is served.

That's my recipe. Brilliant. All right. See you soon, boys. Yes, see you in a second. Bye. Half an hour away from the wheel of TV destiny, coming to a stop finally at the deserving toes of yours truly, size 11's.

He's brilliant, he is Andy. Absolute showman, loves the limelight. Yes, notice that in the rehearsal. Slathers himself in the stuff. I know, he's funny. I've not said he's funny. He's warming up for a daytime quiz show, nothing more. I tell him he should be on the telly.

You know there's only a certain amount of laughter avails, we don't need Baldi sucking it out of them before we've even turned over. This is madness by the way, you're doing him first. Why it's just on the call sheet. I'm number one on the call sheet, Faye. That's what I'm saying, clue's in the question. It's just that I was told... I'm number one on the call sheet, I'm having a gay all day, I'm top of the pops on the call sheet. Hip, hip, hip, hooray. Right, which is why it makes jack-all sense, you painting that man's dial first. Oh, is he not the question master? You're starter for town.

Don't get cute, law. No, I'm the question master. Cheers. This man's my...osman figure, if you catch my drift. Well, I'm almost done with him. He doesn't need much. What's that mean to mean? Just means stay in your place. I'm almost done. You're implying I'm a bigger project? I'm just saying the call sheet keeps changing.

Ah, sorry. Yeah, just those hairs are a bit sensitive. Sorry. Can you cut them rather than tweezer them? Ah! No, sorry. Faye, your coat. Ah! What about my coat?

I mean, that's staying on, is it? Ah. My girlfriends call it my arse in the venga. Yeah, that's a decent angle, though. It's like a sleeping bag. My girlfriends call it that, too. Right, okay, yeah, we get it. Your girlfriends are a laugh. What's wrong with my coat? Well, it's a norm house.

It's a norm house, for one thing. And very loud. It's deafening. And it puts meers unease if we're in a warm room and you're dressed like you're about to have a crack at the Eiger. I'm dead excited for you both, I must say. A new show! Well, it's a pilot. Negative. Why say that? Because it's true, it is a pilot.

What's exciting? A pilot? Will they buy the pilot? Will you do the pilot well enough? I love all this. Yeah, but I mean the trouble is, in the rehearsal... Piss off, Lord. As in... Can everyone stop talking about the bloody rehearsal? It's literally the first time it's been mentioned. Oh dear, what happened in the rehearsal?

Nothing. We did a rehearsal this afternoon. I'm fine now. No problem! It's literally the first time it's been mentioned. Oh dear, what happened in the rehearsal? Nothing. We did a rehearsal this afternoon. I'm fine now, no problem. You'll be alright. It's not easy with the lights, you know. What happened? Did you freeze? How can I entertain if my forehead's melting?

He pushed his podium over. How much longer? He went puce. Huh? He went puce and pushed his podium over. My forehead had slipped down over my nose. You kept yelling, help. Podium went, of course I shouted, help. No one was helping.

They weren't sure what you were going to do next. You ate one of the question cards. I ate one of the question cards. One. Of course. Sorry. Oh, dearie me. Very professional, I don't think. Megan?

Hi, Lord. Yes, she's in the audience. Oh, lovely. Watching the magic happen. He's got them going, all right. Oh, my goodness me. This man should be in the audience. Oh, lovely! Watching the magic happen. He's got them going, alright. Oh my goodness me. This man should be hosting the show. No, no, no, give me that. Give me that, Lord.

He's just warming them up. That's different from fronting a quiz show, believe me. Extra strong mint! I'm QM, Megan. Master of the quiz, leader of the house. Oh, right, right. Because this guy just said the Lord... No, no, they can't take that away from me. Sorry Tim I can't hear you, he's too funny, the room's in tatters. Well I hope he puts it back together before we're due on, his job isn't to make the room unplayable. It's like Harry Hill meets... Harry Hill shouldn't be meeting anyone Megan. Oh god, he's going through this old biddy's handbag and people are kind of like shouting out things that the old biddy might have in there. Well I don't think Michael McIntyne will worry about his job just yet then.

We're coming out in a minute Megan. Right well, we'll be ready for you. Yeah I'm just having my make-up done Goose. Polishing a turd Goose, that's what. Oh sorry, sorry. Oh God, I've been told off for being on the phone. Ha ha ha! My husband, yeah. Oh! He's pretending to shoot himself in the head because I'm married. Oh! Oh, that's one of his classics.

OK, Tati, bye, Goose. What a crap. See you shortly, Goo Goo. Any idiot can see he's going too hard. There'll be nothing left for us. He's in huge demand, Andy. Stop fiddling with Lorde's eyebrows. He's done. He does loose women, the chase, Bradley swears by him. He just needs to tell the grannies what the format is.

Thinks he's Norman Wisdon, he's the floor manager, tell him. He's just warming him up, bro. He's wearing him out, bro. We walk on pin drop silence. Come on, he's done, he's done. Hey, hey, let's go, let's go, let's go! Hey, don't shake him out of the chair. But it makes no sense!

She's just tidying up my... I couldn't give a hoot if she's tidying up your meat and two, Lord. Let's go, come on. I'm just finishing his hair, that's all. He can pat it down. Pat it down. You know that phrase? Otherwise we end up with him striding out like he's Rhett Butler in his pomp and yours

truly scuttling out behind him like words or bleeding gummage. Go back to your place. No. Your place. So what's your show then? Quiz show? It's our passport to to the Big Time, Faye. That's what. Are these the question cards? Yeah, the two contestants have to shout out the answer at the same time to get the points. Simple as that. They order the

pilot. What's it called? The Jinx. Ten points each. Let me see a card. So you answer on your own, you don't get nothing. Okay shot JFK inside never happened wake up okay so if those have been the same answer ten points all around that's clever well did you come up with it anyone could come up with it I came up with it point proven because swish scoreboard foe good evening how art thou my name is Tim Key and I'm Tom Basden welcome to the jinx love it so you're the question master yeah well hang on the question master? Yeah. Huh?

Well hang on, who's question master? You can't both be. I am, I am, I am. Last time I checked. When did you last check? As in, I mean... It says Tom Basden won the question cards. Give me those. Basden should be. LIAR!

They made you QM, huh? Hm? Just after the rehearsal. Don't play games with me, Law. They decided. Ah! They made you QM, huh? Just after the rehearsal. Don't play games with me, Law. They decided. Who decided? Could you hear me out there? Absolutely crushing it. So what's happened then? You playing God? No, I've just been firing up the old barbecue.

White hot coals, lads, out there. White hot coals. Drop your prawns on. Have you made this man QM? Okay, then mr. Badsdom I am taking you out in five get you mic'd up say hi to the old blue rinse Brigade Yeah, and then I will fetch you Are you feeling me? stunning why Well the rehearsal in it that was the lights the settings on the line Was it the lights or cuz I mean you put your fist through the auto queue and you threw your bottle at a cameraman? And I'm saying it was a bad rehearsal.

Yeah. And you know what that means. It was definitely a bad rehearsal. Yeah, and you know what that means. What does it mean? Well it follows, doesn't it? Like night follows day. Bad rehearsal? Bad show, yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Good show. Every single person in the world knows that. Give me the cards.

Eh? Give me the cards. No, no, I'm not getting my Osmond on. Give me the cards. Oh, gun and badge. Just like that. Just like that. Give me the cards. Eh? Give me the cards. No, no, I'm not getting my Osmond on. Give me the cards. Oh, gun and badge, just like that. Just like that. Tommy Cooper. Tommy Cooper, remember?

This is a scandal. This is a scandal. Now then, Faye, my dear, my dearest. Yes, yes, my love. Dearest Faye Bentos, may I have the... That's it. ...pleasure of leaping into the hot seat and you give me the quick once over, please. Do your magic.

It would be my pleasure. Oh, thank you. Exquisite me. Sit yourself down. I will. What'll it be today sir? That is lovely. Just a general puffer room on scene.

Oh god yeah make me up. Make me up by the cup. Why is he in the chair? You talking to me? I'm just saying. You're talking to me. Remember? Robert De Niro. Yes I remember De Niro. I'm saying I'm struggling to understand why you are in the chair. That's all touching him up chance to be a funny thing But he's not on camera though, Faye why don't want to look like a ghost though do I and I accept that I'm barely kissing

His cheek with my sponge. Yes my cheek Faye kiss my cheek as a matter of priority kiss my cheek with the sponge Oh, sorry, that's my... It should be off. Sorry. ...the suitcase from... Yes, Goose? Oh, please tell me he's coming back. Who's that?

The comedian. He's not a comedian, Goose. Well, someone needs to tell my size that then because they are splitting two million pieces over here. I'll be back in two minutes, love. Stitch him up as best you can and I'll see if I can give him another pummeling on the return, alright? Pummeling? Fantastic.

You need to pick a team, that's all. Tim, come on, just let's... Thank you. Andrew, you're doing a great job. But this is my point, Lord. Are you a floor manager or are you a comedian? Because you can't be both. I mean, Faye does hair. I also write. Stays in her lane. And I was in a little shop of horrors. But you're a make-up artist at heart, Faye, is my point. You're not after more.

Well, if I had one shot, you know, one opportunity to break through the curtain, you know, shine like a light, I'd bung this lot down the chute, whip off the coat and fall into their arms. Oh, God bless you, my darling. Thank you. OK. Well, you at least, Andrew. Yeah, well, I suppose what I do is I manage floors. Sure, that's definitely in the wheelhouse, but I also, I loosen up lungs. I mean, look, Andrew, you're wearing a headset. I mean, for goodness sake, what does that tell you?

Which lane do you think you're in, bud? I'm telling you, I know what I am. Then tell me. I am a floor manager. Good, you see? Who also happens to be hilarious. Too right. She knows it, she's been doing it a long time. And when I say doing it, you know what I mean.

Stop it, you! Anyway, thank you, Faith. Thank you, lads. I'll take my newly polished physogue. I shall go and fan the flames. Floor manager. That's what. Floor bleeding manager. You know, Harrison Ford was a carpenter. Trollex. He was. Thick, greasy Trollex. He was an actor.

Played the fellow with the whip. Right, you're up. Oh, I am, am I? You sure you don't want to put a bit of mascara on the chap in charge of sound first? Come on, we're on a schedule. Fun, fun, fun. I feel sick. Have you been on telly then?

Should I know you from... You should know us, you should know us. I've seen stuff. Don't you worry about that, Faye. I've met, well not met, but Phil Jupiter's. I'm not completely wet behind the ears. I worked on buzzcocks. Never mind the buzzcocks, I think you mean.

Right, what have we got here then? Just do your best with them, Faye. The easiest assignment of your life, Faye. I'll turn the South person to the pig's ear. The pig's ear! I love that. That's excellent. You can have that. Everyone's a comedian. Just bung a bit of mousse in whatever the phrase is. Breathe a bit of life into the lips.

I am just a little bit nervous about this. This? This face. So... What? What? I have nice skin. I have nice skin. Everyone says so. Mmm. It gets its fair share of talk, believe me. It's your chins, really?

Chin, I think we mean. Say chin. No, do you know what? Say chin. I'll work something out. You're making it sound like a diagnosis. You do realise that. It's funny you should say that, because situations like this... Situations.

They can feel a bit medical, yeah. I better just cake some of this on, I reckon. Cake. Right then. I'd love to know why you were using little pots and tiny brushes for him and now you're prosing the lid off a huge tub for me. This is face fudge. Comes in a bucket.

Right, you're up big man. They're dying to meet the star of the show. Ah, right, so they're doing me first, is it? No, Mr. Basdom, the star of the show. In case you'd forgotten, Andrew, I'm number one on the call sheet. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, here's the new call sheet. Huh. This is insanity. And the new script.

What, what, what And the new script. What? What? What new script? Oh, you're moving the goalposts, man. Let's have a look. Good evening. How are thou? My name's Tom Baston.

And I'm Tim Key. Welcome to... The Jink. This is insane, mate. It is what it is, mate. Barely. Faye, you keep working away on that one. Boy wonder, you follow me? Ha ha. VRAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN She's wearing her great coat, says hello. How are you going out, you, Faye? It's like a running joke. I just show my face, wave my hairdryer.

I'm sorry, Faye, and this is no offence to you, but why the hell is hair and makeup doing a turn? That's lunacy. Worried I'll be better than you. Come on then, Mr. Basdom. The tick is clocking. They're gonna love you. I hope so.

Give me that phantom. I should be the bloody QM, Faye. Oh, well, I mean, I stay out of the politics. You think I can't ask questions? Hm? Who's the capital of whatchamacallit? Why did Bill Wye Baggins do X, Y and Z? It's not rocket science.

I'd love you to take your coat off, Faye, I really would. It's ear-piercing. Can I say something? Oh, God, no, please. Just fudge my face and colour it pink. I don't need you saying things. It's hard enough as it is. I think the pressure's getting to you, my love. No, no, no, no, no, no. I think the pressure's getting to you. No, no. Because this is your last chance. No, don't know what you mean. And it's sort of a now or never situation that we're dealing with. Never heard of it.

Never heard of it. Because you know, all of these young whippersnappers. I am a young whippersnapper. They're fearless, you know, they take risks. And that can get you, you know, I mean, Joe Lysap... Raaaaaargh! Pardon me. Right. Joe and I are the same generation. You've smashed a light bulb with your counter-fan-tang. You're not gonna answer the phone?

N-ah. Could be good news. Might be saying that your friend's doing well out there. It's never good news, Faye. Oh. What? Oh dear. What?

What? Er, no. Erm... No? No, something's happening. I've never seen this before. What are you talking about? It's...

I think because you're stressed, as I apply the gunk, your skin is actually just absorbing it. Oh, you've opened a second tub. I just feel I might need to slop a ton of this off. Okay. Yeah. And then maybe just sort of squidge it about and see where we get to. Bugger me, Faye. My head will be twice its size by the time you've finished with it. It's understandable. You know, I'd go out of my mind, stood up there in the spotlight.

I'm in my mind. Thank you, Faye. If everyone had just let me concentrate! I'm sorry. That's OK. It can't be easy. Your mate out there killing it. What? You should have another Fanta. That's how the greats do it.

Who are the greats? Paul Daniels, Larry. Yeah, have me a Daniels. Larry. Yeah, me and Daniels. Someone call Billy Baxter, because this guy just blew my mind into the middle of the Blue Peter Garden. Oh, it went well then. Did it go well? Ha ha!

This guy is Stardust. Zowie, they loved him. He was like, um, he was like bloody Lee Evans out there. Well done, Barry. Well, no, honestly, best kept secret in lightheads, this guy. The tap dance? We were like Fred and Ginger. No, no, just, you know, I'm, yeah, winging it a bit, said my name and...

Oh, remember the name of the voice, I said, remember the name of this guy, I said. And he nursed me through it. Poppycock, you didn't need nursing, you were like Mr Charles Chaplin, announcing yourself to the world. Eh? Like a young Dame Edna. He was like a lot of people. Huh?

Yeah, no, they're lovely, they're very generous. They were clapping like seals, I must say. Well, then he's done it wrong, hasn't he? You think Clive Myrie's pulling this kind of crap before Mastermind? No, it would be a quick hello, reference the chair and see you in ten. Am I up? Faye, do you want to come and say a quick hi? I mean...

Come on, Miss Winkle, they'd love to see you. Go on then, wheel the old girl out. Yes, come on, lose the coat, we're going to the studio, not the bleeding tundra. God no, I'm not going on camera, am I? Don't think I need to strip down to my evening wear just yet. You have an evening dress on underneath? Does she? If you must know, I'm going on a hot date.

Oh well that's, I mean, you must. I mean, quite frankly, that's none of my beeswax, Faye. Alfred Few, picking me up at seven. Sharp. Man's called Alfred Few, huh? Met a man on the bus and now he's promised me oysters. Sing it, girl. Dancing the clubs and we're gonna get roistered. Never met a boy like Alfred Few.

Gonna peel off his wig, gonna play with the glue. Candles and tears and the rest, you can guess. A dip in the Thamesames his home life's a mess Always brings a tear to the eye when you sense it. Oh my goodness. His home life's a mess what? Your life firing on all cylinders then is it? Come on then back you in three Timber. Oh yeah.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's not, I'm not, I'm just saying. It's another world, isn't it? Yes, it is another world. Hair and make-up, getting her milikon on. Well, she's funny. Yes, she's funny, yes, she's funny. She's funny, he's funny, you're funny, everyone's funny. Spread the funny, brother.

Haven't even been out there yet, Lord Forth billing my own TV show here. Bleeding hell, this is a disgrace. And no mistake! Ooh, ooh, ooh, erm... No, don't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. I...

I don't want to know how well she's doing, Lord. I've gotta pick up, mate. I just want to stick to radio. Now, I don't like this, I don't like it here, Lord. I'm scared, baby. My wife, I have to answer it. She's gonna say Faye's blitzing it, bro. We don't know what she's gonna say.

Goose? Oh my God, I love Faye Winkle. She's so... What?! Why'd you do that? You've dashed my iPhone into the mirror. Because it ain't fair, Lord. Here's us trying to entertain the troops after years of hard, bleeding work, mind you. Then every man jacked stood up as if it's the most natural thing in the world. And it ain't fair. It ain't fair!

Calm down. Your head's... your head's... What? What? It's swollen up. Pardon me? It's swollen right up. It's like an onion on a cocktail stick. Faye has lacquered my head with clay. Oh my god, I can't take my eyes off it. She emptied the tub on me.

I'm amazed you can stand up. Well I'm sort of leaning against this, aren't I? But the weight of you. They're bleeding the life out of the audience, Lord. That's what! Pull yourself together, bunny! I know, I know. know do you I know oh my goodness go okay did it go okay it was like Wimbledon Centicor and Sue Barker King plot no come on then young man am I

up am I come on in the waters hot hot hot you can turn this around brother the key is to just keep on saying again and and again in your head, I mustn't do anything like what I did back there in the rehearsal. I mustn't do anything. I mustn't do anything. In your head. I mustn't do anything. In your head.

Is that the best we can do? I mean, is he done or is he...? I'm just going to put on some magic dust to set it. Yeah. I don't know about magic dust. You're going to have to put me in the kiln for 20 minutes, I think. Huh? He's saying he's got a head of clay. I look like David Dickinson and the great Donald Trump of damn God knows what,

and I've emerged from the resulting darkness. Andrew. Andrew? Yeah, word to the wise. Don't say things like that when you're on the telly. I'm good, I'm good. I'm confident. I'm a little boy. Right, then. Let me tell you how it's gonna go. All right, you're gonna pop out there. You're gonna say, Hiya! To all the old biddies. Hello, grannies. That's it. You've got a lovely skirt. Right. That's it. you how it's gonna go. Alright, you're gonna pop out there, you're gonna say hi-ya to all the old biddies.

Hello grannies. That's it. You've got a lovely skirt. Right. That's it, keep some juice in the tank. Then I'm gonna come back in here, I'm gonna scoop up the good-looking boy Wonder here. Ho ho ho ho ho! And then, roll credits, half hour of TV platinum, and then, your friend of mine, we got hit on our hands.

I demand a full series! Oh god. Let's go, let's go, let's go! Oh god! Go, go, go! Oh god, oh god! Go get him! Go get him! Oh god! Oh God. Let's go, let's go, let's go! Oh God. Oh God, oh God. Go get him. Go get him.

Oh God. Oh dear. He'll be fine. This isn't an issue. He didn't look right. He looked... Yeah, I couldn't really see how he looked with respect to the makeup. Do you want some Prosecco in your coffee mug?

I would actually, thank you. Oh, well I've got coffee in it. Oh, you've done enough. Sorry. It might be quite nice. Yeah, I'll give it a go. The thing is, you're new, aren't you? You too. Yeah. As well. What do you mean?

As in, how long have you been doing it? What, 23 years? Oh. What's going on out there? You just want to get going. It's the waiting around, Faye. The waiting around. I want to get behind my podium, interact with the audience.

This is my future, Faye. I'm on the horns of TV. One foot balancing on the wireless, ready to push off, set sail. So what's the law of TV? Well, I mean, the glamour, basically. The moolah, the pretty costumes, Davina McCall. Of course, yeah. And radio, you're just, what are you?

The bleep in outer space. Is it? Just a bleep. So this has to go well, then? Oh, God, yeah. No, it has to, Faye. It's obviously nerve-racking because you know Tim's quite a particular flavor sure Audiences like they get a sort of you know love him. I hate him. They're gonna love him I hope all they're gonna hate that's exactly it. Yeah, it's one of those two. Yeah Yeah

Well, hello mr. Best Reaction Yet. Excuse me, I have to go to my place. How was it? A lot of old ladies. Huh? Your face is grey. A lot of old ladies. Oh gosh.

OK, how did it go? I'm a little wooden boy, Lord. Oh, OK. Did it go well? Megan didn't call? No. She's probably laughing too hard. You never spoke to Megan?

No. No. It went well! Oh! Oh! It went very well! Amazing! Oh yes mate!

Oh good! Yes! Yes! Herbie writes again, let's do it! He certainly does! Oh Megan. Oh there were some problems, there were some problems, there were some problems. Hello Megan. Are you okay Tim? Perfectly good, Megan. Oh, there were some problems. There were some problems. There were some problems. Hello, Megan. Pete, are you okay, Tim?

Perfectly good. Cheers. Hey, Goose. I don't think we're a very good audience. That's all. They sound wonderful. What happened? All good.

Nothing to see. Have a nice day, then. Well, the comedian's behind your podium now. Andy's behind the podium. Which is a scandal, by the way. He stayed out there. They'll never stand for it. He can't do that.

They will never stand for it. Oh, it's a Mexican wave. Goodbye, then, Goo Goo. And he's behind the podium. Which is a scandal, by the way. He stayed out there. They'll never stand for it. He can't do that. They will never stand for it. Oh, it's a Mexican wave. Goodbye then, Goo Goo. Oh dear, you've crumpled like a rag doll, poor thing. Here, Timmy, take some Fanta.

Oh my goodness, what happened to you? Did you freeze up? He told me to come back here. He said, Fetch you, that's all he said. You're wearing his headset. Why has he put his headset on you? Oh, I was jelly, Faye. He could have put armbands and a tutu on me. Oh, my. He's turned you into a floor manager. That's what. You've switched lanes.

He switched me into a different lane. It was the lights, Faye. They were unforgiving. The knees locked. And where's all your make-up gone? Fell away in clumps. Give him more Fanta, Faye. I want more Fanta. And now? Podium one, the big man.

Andrew? Living the dream, podium two, well, there's room for a little one basically. I mean, I... You're good to go, monseur basmos. You look pretty as a picture. Bless you, but I mean... Just go. You have to go, my little. Go. But I mean...

You have to go, my little Basmos. But... but without you... Fly. Oh, hang on. Megan? Goose? Mr. Basdom? Basden, yes.

You coming out or what? There's a podium waiting for you here. Oh. Oh. He's got my phone, Lord. He's amazing. We're 90 seconds till 3-2-1 action stardom. Let's go.

I'm going to be hosting it at this rate. Ha ha, plot twist. I have your wife. Ha ha ha. I'm going to be hosting it at this rate. Ha, 1, action stardom. Let's go. I'm going to be hosting it at this rate. Ha ha, plot twist. I have your wife. Oh, well, look out, because I have a very particular set of skills.

Love it. Neeson Taken. Neeson, yes, it was. The grannies are roaring here. Get your big rosy arse behind this podium, big man. We're going to be stars, mate. Oh. Just go. I can't go.

You can. How? How can I? Stood on the shiny floor without my pal on my hip, a lifetime targeting the podiums, and when I arrive when I finally scale the heights, I look around and my Edmund Hillary isn't there. I'm alone. I can't go. I couldn't do it to you, brother.

So...what, so...well, I'll have your podium, then. Huh? What, huh? I'll take the podium. No, but you can't go, I couldn't do it to you, brother. So... what, so... well, I'll have your podium then. Huh? What, huh? I'll take the podium. No, but you can't go out. I feel a little bit better now. No, what? No, you don't. Once more into the breach, dear friends. Your knees will lock again.

We don't know that. Ow! Yeah, they've... oh my goodness. You've fallen against the fridge. A podium empty. Our big, breaking bit. The dream. Spunked up the wall. Okay. Oh.

Okay. It's time. Oh, off with her coat. I've been wearing that coat for 14 years. Pardon me? And I've dreamt of this moment all my life. This is my destiny, okay? Okay.

Would either of you object? No. How do I look? Bludges go of you object? No. How do I look? Bludgy gorgeous. Off I go. Off she goes. Hey. What do we do then? Sneak in at the back?

Chow down on some popcorn? See how it's done? No, we listen. That's what we do, Lord, we listen. Really? My first love is radio, Lord. Let we listen. That's what we do, Lord, we listen. Really? My first love is radio, Lord. Let's listen. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going live in five... You can imagine them both, can't you, behind our podiums? I can imagine it perfectly.

You get so much more with just the sound. Good evening, how are you? My name is Andrew Mawks. I'm Faye Winkle. Welcome to The Jinx. Tim Key's poetry programme was written and presented by Tim Key, with Tom Basden, Katie Wicks, Loli Adafope and Stephen Merchant. The producer was James Robinson and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the News Quiz, The Now Show and

Dead Ringers. Why do some of the brands we love most hit dizzy heights but then ultimately end up toast? I'm Sean Farrington, presenter of the BBC Radio 4 series Toast, which unpicks what went wrong with big business ideas and examines why they were so popular in the first place. We hear from people directly involved in building a brand's fortunes. Everybody still wanted it to work, so I saw an opportunity to try and make that happen. We were really, really excited about what investment was to come. And get expert insights into why they faltered. You know, a lot of people say, did Twitter mess it up?

My response to that is no. From the roadside restaurant chain Little Chef to the video sharing site Vine via Greenshield's Stamps loyalty scheme and Safeway supermarkets. Toast. Listen on BBC Sounds. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey goo gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.