Comedy of the Week - Tom and Lauren Are Going OOT

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Lauren forgets about an important charity fundraiser for work and hurriedly tries to get ready. Tom returns home from work covered in face paint, after his class craft day gets a bit out of hand. Their efforts to make the fundraiser are further hampered by a coy Neil, who appears to have intercepted a parcel intended for Lauren. Special guest appearance by Julian Clary as Neil. Cast: TOM MACHELL as Tom LAUREN PATTISON as Lauren JULIAN CLARY as Neil Writers: Tom Machell & Lauren Pattison Director: Katharine Armitage Recording Engineer: Tom Glenwright Sound Design: Philip Quinton Theme Music: Scrannabis Producers: Maria Caruana Galizia & Zahra Zomorrodian A Candle & Bell Production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. This is history at its grubbiest and funniest. Enjoy the complete TV soundtracks of all four Blackadder series, starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. Got him with my subtle plan. I can't see any subtle plan. Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple

and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing, subtle plans are here again. Start listening to Blackadder, the complete collected series from BBC Audiobooks, available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks. BBC Sounds, music Podcasts Tom and Lauren are Gananoot Episode 3 Golf for Orphans Are you gonna stop messin' around? Yeah, yeah, cause we're going out

You need to iron the shirt. Why? Because where? Whoa. What happened to you? You look like a meth addict Spiderman. Oh, craft day at school today. The kids couldn't decide if I should be Elsa or Deadpool, so we went with both.

Is that PVA glue in your hair? I hope so. And you went to the shops like that? Yeah, they didn't have any potato smileys, I'll just carve a face into some hash browns. Well, get them in the air fryer quick! Alright. Why are you wearing make-up? I got a really weird email from my boss earlier and he signed it off saying, see you tonight.

You're having an affair but you just don't know about it yet. Oh, I wish. Oh, charming. So I checked the calendar and nothing was there and we don't have the sort of relationship where you'd want to hang out. Since me too, he doesn't even like to be left alone in a room with a woman. Sounds like a really great guy. He thinks all the blonde women in the office are the same person.

We all just go by Rachel now. Anyway, I got a text from Alana saying, What are you wearing tonight? And I was like, my pajamas. And she sent back a cry laughing emoji. Is there a point to this story? I'm getting there, man. Stop with the silence of women.

Long story short, I have a post charity ball that started 15 minutes ago and I forgot about it because you removed it from the shared calendar. Oh, I knew this would be my fault. And if I don't go, they'll give my promotion to facelift Fiona. Smiley's are on their way. Thank you. And thank you for your apology.

I'm not apologising for something I didn't do. Well, I didn't delete it. I definitely put it in a few weeks ago. I typed it in gold font because the theme is black and gold and I felt very crafty. Well, don't look at me. I hate that shared calendar. I hardly use it. How do you know what you're doing then? I use this great calendar called Lauren's. Oh, yeah, man. You need to get ready, I haven't got time for this. Me?

You expect me to go to a middle class orgy, a fancy canapes and small talk about skiing holidays alone? I need you there so I don't look like a competition winner. Sounds alright that. What's the charity? I dunno, like Golf for Orphans or something. Golf for Orphans? Hey. Golf for Orphans? Hey, everyone deserves to play golf, Tom.

Do they? There isn't time to judge. Get in the shower, man. Methodic Spider-Man can't come. If we leave in ten minutes, we should get there before the silent auction starts. Oh Jesus, I look knackered. Oh, and I'm nearly out of foundation. What's up for grabs in this auction?

Anything juicy? Like meals out, baskets of posh jams, some dealer celeb singing at your birthday party. Oh, I used to go to things like this all the time when I was little with my parents. Relatable as ever. My dad came up with clever systems. He'd look at the catalogue. Like the August one? Yeah, but for people who don't know what the cost of living is. Oh, I loved those little blue pens. They made us feel like a giant.

My dad would chat to people to find out their bid secretly and then come in just below. That way he didn't look cheap, but he never had to pay for anything. His losing face was like an Oscar-winning performance. We really had different childhoods. My ma used to help us with a pick and mix from Woolworths. RIP. You'd stick your bag on the scale, print the label and then pour in a load more after and use the original price sticker. That's stealing.

We were economically savvy. I need you to go and get me dress. What dress? The one delivered on Friday. You work from home on Fridays? I know but I didn't want the delivery driver to take a bad photo of his when I signed for it. I thought he'd leave it downstairs but he dropped it in Neils and I forgot. But I need to have a shower. Get the parcel then quick shower which gives this soon to be legal director time to get my eyes on. Please?

How come when you need to be you can be ready in ten minutes? Do you really want that fight now? I'll go and get that parcel. Oh if you insist. No, Barbara. Stay back. Ow! Stay back! Goodness me. Tom, you look like Ru Paul's dragged you through a hedge backwards. Yes, sorry. Craft week with my class. I'd invite you in, but Barbara is in one of her moods.

Oh. Well, no worries. I just wanted to collect the parcel that Lauren got delivered here last week. Parcel? Not here, I'm afraid. Oh. Right. Well, sorry to have bothered you then. Oh, please. Anytime. If you could have a moment, could you reply to my WhatsApp on the building group chat? I think I figured out who the phantom poo in the basement corridor belongs to. That posh woman in flat 3B. I think she's a probation officer. Will do. Have a good evening.

He doesn't have it! Right, shower. Yes, he bloody does. He literally just said to me he doesn't have the parcel. According to the app, he does. Look at the photo. There's Neil, looking like me sleep demon. There's me parcel and there's a red-eyed cat who we all know is the terrifying Barbara. He must have forgotten to just ask him again.

But I just went home. Take me phone and show him the photo. Oh. Just a sec. Oh, Tom. We must stop meeting like this. Sorry, Neil, but it looks like the parcel was delivered here. They've taken a photo, see? Oh, could you send me that? I look great.

Sure. And the parcel? Come to think of it, maybe I do have something. Give me a moment. Ow! Barbara Elizabeth Windsor, will you get back in there? Right, yes, here it is. Sorry, I completely forgot. Oh, perfect.

Thanks. Now you might see, Tom, that the parcel is in fact open and I can only apologise. I thought it was for me. Oh, it's not an issue. Thank you again for taking it in. He found it! He'd opened it by mistake. Oh, thank God. Wait, I... The bag and shoes are missing. Well, that's all there was. No, no, no, no, no.

The bag within the bag has been ripped open too. He's tried this on. What are you talking about? Look at that, there's cat hair on it and, oh, it smells as Jean Paul Goatier and, oh, incense. He wouldn't do that. It nicked half the outfit.

It would have got lost during delivery. Passes back my phone. Oh. See, look at the size delivery. Passes back my phone. Oh! See? Look at the size of the parcel in the delivery image. That is clearly a shoe box. Detective Lauren is pretty sexy. I need you to go and get the rest.

Just wear something else. Or I could go and get the shoes and bag. Oh, what a good idea. We're leaving in three minutes. I need a shower. Oh, you'd better hurry up then. Oh! Oh, what a good idea! We're leaving in three minutes. I need a shower! Oh, you'd better hurry up then. Urgh!

KNOCK ON DOOR Oh, three times in one night, Tom. How did I get so lucky? Sorry, Neil. I think there's some missing items from the parcel. No, not to my knowledge. Maybe they fell out before it was delivered. Ah, well I thought that too. But we just checked the photo of the delivery and it looks like they were in the parcel. Can you see? They really did capture my good side. Let me double check. Maybe Barbara has hidden them. Well, would you look at that under the bed the whole time. Barbara gets very sneaky when she's hungry. Have a good night. Oh, hang on!

Shit! It's... it's fine. It's all fine. Got them! Why are you hiding them? Don't be annoyed. Why would I be? So... Show me.

I'd rather not. Why? I think you look great going barefoot. It's very bohemian. Show. Me. Now. Please remember that everything is fixable. Ta-da! What the hell? It's that mud on the heel.

Oh, there's blood on the inside seam too. Oh, he's worn them out. The bag has a lighter and a lipstick in it. That cheeky sod here's worn my outfit on a night out! Have you got the outfit now so it's fine? Fine! Fine! I can't wear this, it's ruined! I'll walk into that ball looking like I have preempted the walk of shame!

This is a disaster! I am going to kill him! Deep breath! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I'm getting stuffed up by the day. That isn't a bad thing. You're right. No point in making a fuss. Exactly. Quick shower, I'll jump in my tux, two minutes and we can go. I never thought I'd be with someone who can slip into a tux so casually. You're like a posh Geordie James Bond who's actually a primary school teacher with a passion for Lego. Oh yeah? No, I'm getting the shower! Mental note, how to get rid of the body of a 55 year old man named Neil.

Lauren, what a nice surprise. You may be able to play Tom, but now you're dealing with the big guns and I don't play middle class nice. I don't know what you're talking about. Perjury is a very serious offence, Neil. You don't scare me. I survived Stephen Mulhern's Hamlet in the West End. Well, I'm from the West End in Newcastle, Neil. Do you want to find out what we do, Elias? The tap number was completely unnecessary. Final warning. Okay, er...

All right, yes, I'm sorry. The dress has been worn, but not by me. Wait, who wore it then? My friend Ivana Hisscock. She needed a cheap ugly outfit for her drag bingo that she hosts, so I lent it to her. Well, I was supposed to be wearing it to... Cheap and ugly? Yes, darling. It's hideous. If anything, I'm offended you think I would wear something like that Primarni's chic isn't really my bag now if you'll excuse me. I have Barbara's dinner to make oh

And I'd redo your eyes if I were you That eyeliner looks about as straight as me. Ugh. Ugh! Neil just told me a new one. I told you not to go. He lent the dress to his drag queen friend because it was cheap and ugly. How dare he think I'm cheap and ugly? What are you talking about? You look great in everything you wear.

See, this is the problem. Going out with a man with no fashion sense. It means he never give me the honest answers that I need. I'm stylish, I get compliments all the time. I mean look at this tux. People are lying Tom, they are always lying. Oh thanks very much. If we don't go tonight it's goodbye promotion. Well I'm sure there's something in the wardrobe you could wear. I'll just wear something old and look like a tired old maid with nothing to live for. Oh, by the way, a Google Golf for Orphans charity and surprise, surprise, nothing came up. Why are you at summit like that?

Yeah, not really. On more investigating, tonight's actually a fundraiser for my old school. I know loads of people going, it's all over Instagram. The posh one? Yeah. They're fundraising for a driving range for the students. Your boss' wife's actually the head of the governors. You mean I've been under all this stress so a bunch of hectors and Lucians can practice their golf swing?

Yep. Screw that. That's the saying, Dragon's Den. I'm out. Enjoy the money, Fiona. I'll say I had women's problems. Plus, me smileys are ready. Perfect timing. You can't give up now.

I quite fancy going. Hey, we're dressed up. And it'd be really nice for me to see some old school pals. Plus, I'll have loads of gossip to tell you about everyone there. Gossip? Oh yeah, posh Newcastle's rife with affairs. I am listening. And when we get home, I can show you all their houses on Google Maps.

Can even see how much they are on Zoopla. And bring in the Smiley's in me handbag. I'll even carry your ketchup. Oh, I love you. I love you. Also, just, would you mind checking your calendar? Same date but next month. Why? Oh seems like I might have entered the ball into the wrong month. Weird that. My bad. Still my fault though. Oh exactly. Come on. Only 30 minutes

late. Keys? Yep. Do you think we might actually be on time one day? It's all I ever want in life. Tom and Lauren are Ganinute was written and performed by Tom Machel and Lauren Patterson with Julian Clary as Neil. The director was Catherine Armitage. It was produced in Gateshead and is a candle and bell production for the BBC.

Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. From BBC Radio 4 comes Doe, examining the business behind profitable everyday products and what they might be like in the future. I'm the entrepreneur Sam White. In each episode I focus on things like TVs, hair dryers or vacuum cleaners, hearing first hand from people who make them. We still make products with DVD player built in.

You would be very surprised how many we sell. Then our expert guests choose their favourite game changing innovations which shape the products and the past before we follow the money to where they're going next. Think of the TV 98 inch or 100 inch. Doe makes the mundane marvellous again. Listen on BBC Sounds. This is history at its grubbiest and funniest.

Enjoy the complete TV soundtracks of all four Blackadder series starring Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. Got him with my subtle plan. I can't see any subtle plan. Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing, subtle plans are here again. Start listening to Blackadder, the complete, collected series from BBC audiobooks, singing, Subtle plans are here again.