Comedy of the Week - Xmas Special

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

In this Christmas special, Frank Skinner and his guests decipher the good, the bad, and the baffling, as they try to work out a mystery item - based entirely on its online reviews. Which traditional panto features an animatronic dinosaur? What’s the worst present they’ve ever received? And is that one star write-up “bit claggy, made me feel sick” a review of some stuffing or Love Actually? Written by Frank Skinner, Catherine Brinkworth, Sarah Dempster, Jason Hazeley, Rajiv Karia, Karl Minns, Katie Sayer and Peter Tellouche Devised by Jason Hazeley and Simon Evans, with the producer David Tyler A Pozzitive production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcast. This is the One Person Found This Helpful Christmas special with your host Frank Skinner. Yes hello and welcome to this special Christmas episode of One Person Found This Helpful, the show based on online reviews. And I'm pleased to say that even during the festive season, people still find the time to write baffling online reviews for baffling online purchases. Here's a genuine review for an interactive plush rainbow turtle toy that wiggles, poops talks and the review simply says Christmas day came early for my grandson as he doesn't live in Leeds okay it's a special time

as this ear clinic in Bedford understood only too well when it announced it was offering a festive ear wax removal deal. The clinic actually got overwhelmingly positive reviews for their syringing techniques, although this one worried me. Totally worth the money. Maybe pricey compared to other clinics, but they really go the extra mile. LAUGHTER I wish someone had said, I won't hear a word against it. LAUGHTER Now, Radio 4 wanted us to have a very traditional panel, so I suggested three wise guests and a donkey.

It'll be easier to assign those roles as the programme progresses. So please welcome our five-star festive panel. On my left is Angela Barnes and Mark Steele, and on my right, Amy Gledhill and Ahiya Shah. So, panel, this being a show all about reviews, and Christmas being something everyone has to buy into, I'd like each of you to give me your one-star review of Christmas.

What's the worst Christmas thing that's ever happened to you? Could be a present, a food disaster, a family row, or simply being invited onto a network radio show and potentially being called a donkey. At least you didn't say three wise men and a virgin. That would have been harder to find. That would have been like a Jeremy Kyle when you all had to test.

OK, I'm going to start with you, Angela. What's your one star worst thing about Christmas? So my dad was very Christmas, he loved Christmas. And he would do our stockings every year. And in your stocking you would have a present from Santa Claus, from the Sugar Plum Fairy, from Frosty the Snowman and from Rudolph. And then, what you need to know about my dad for context, is my dad ran a sex shop for a living.

Which was fine, until it came to take your daughter to work day. That was stressful. But, and the reason I tell you that is that once you were over 18... Quite good for stockings, I would have thought. Although he'd only have fishnets, so all the presents have fallen. Unless he bought fish. So what he would do, once you were an adult, you'd get an extra present in your stocking from Sexy Santa.

I thought this was normal. What? And what Sexy Santa would give you is something like a little bit of fun from the shop. So anyway, one Christmas, I was in my 20s and I had to work on Christmas Day, so my dad posted my stocking to me with the presents in and I wasn't in when they delivered it, so I had to go down to Tooting Depot to go and pick up the parcel on the Saturday before Christmas, so it was packed. And what my dad had bought me that year was a badge that said, press here to turn me on,

and it had a little button on it, and when you pressed it it let's say it had the noise of a woman enjoying herself loudly and as the man in the depot handed me the parcel he activated the badge and all I could say was it's from my dad Mark what's your Christmas nightmare? I did have a mate who lived upstairs from me, I was really good mates with him, we went home one Christmas and his brother was a vegetarian

and the turkey was served and his brother just threw it out of the window. That's pretty bad, isn't it? Although you'd think you'd laugh. The whole bird? The whole thing, no, no, no, the whole everything. We got a turkey and when I came to look at it, I hadn't realised it was deep frozen. And I didn't get it out until like 11 o'clock on Christmas Day and it says you have to thaw

for 48 hours and all that. So we had to have the Christmas dinner without the turkey. And you know that sort of daydream that kids have that they're at a football match and a player gets injured and he's taken off and they're called out of the stands and they get to play? That's what happened to the pigs in blankets. So they became the protein centrepiece of our... Unlike those kids that if they'd been called out of these stands, they were completely out of their depth. It's very Very disappointing. Anyway, what about you Amy?

So my worst Christmas was I went to Hull for Christmas It's all the Christmas because it's where I'm from and went to my parents, and my boyfriend at the time came over, and we were like, wouldn't it be great if we let our parents meet for the first time? Like a Christmas film, like Die Hard or something. LAUGHTER So they came over, and there was a weird vibe. They were being very smiley, and I said,'s Hull. So I knew something was up. They were being very smiley, very huggy.

And it turns out that in their heads, the only reason that they assumed they would be invited over was because they thought I was going to tell them that I was pregnant. So they were expecting me to be expecting, which I wasn't expecting because I wasn't expecting because it was our second day. Ahi? My issue here is that I don't have a lot of Christmas stories, certainly from my early

life because Christmas wasn't a thing when I was growing up. I mean, like, obviously I knew what it was and that it was happening. No, to be fair, my Diwali story. Exactly. Like, similarly, like, you're just like, oh, I guess this is the day where loads of fireworks happen. I was just like, well, I suppose that this is the day where everyone gets an update from the Queen. That's the thing that happens today. That's fine. My family are Hindu and I think just regarded Christianity generally as a sort of like upstart thing that will probably never catch on.

Do you know, like give it another couple of thousand years and we'll see if it's serious, but for the time being. I can see them being sniffy, all those gods with just two arms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the sort of thing that sets them off, innit, these people, won't, sort of thing that sets them off, isn't it, these people? It's sort of won't these days, Christmas, you're not allowed to say Christmas these days, these people. I went up my son's school, I said to the teacher, happy Christmas, he just looked at me, I said, don't you get me on this winter, it's Christmas. He said, it's April the 21st. I said, I don't care. Anyway, whatever your ex-mas experience was, it can't have been as bad as the people who took their kids to what became known as Britain's worst ice rink, which was set up in a sports

direct car park in Lichfield. The skating area was surrounded by metal fencing and was so small that one outraged parent wrote, it looked like someone had thrown out a whiteboard. LAUGHTER OK, this round's called What's Behind You? And it refers, of course, to that great eximus institution, pantomime. Of course, some people think panto is naff, and there is the famous story of the actor whose agent came on the opening night of their pantomime and shouted out

It's beneath you So each team is going to hear two reviews of a Pantow and they have to work out what it is if they can't get it After two I'll give them another review, but then they only get one point So Angela and Mark you're up first and here's your first review. This year was very disappointing. The show was a series of disjointed acts, Conjurers, Gymnas and Dinosaurs, put together to form a show of sorts with no discernible plot. I thought some of the acts were unsuitable for young children, particularly the men in long johns with bells hanging between their legs.

I can't think of a pantomime where there's Long John Silver. No, that's a different thing. I should say the dinosaur is a bit of a... Oh, it's not Jurassic Park. No, pantomime. A pantomime of Jurassic Park with Bradley Walsh playing a velociraptor. The dinosaur is a bit of a red herring. Well, I suppose to be accurate a red ichthyosaur Sometimes you have to come up to me. I can't keep going down

We think we need another okay It's your second review the eight-year-olds had no idea what Blank was doing in front of the archery board, but it didn't matter. Watching him pop on a giant pair of glasses and start doing a Jim Bowen impression is what Panto is all about. Balside the Panto. Balside the Panto, or I guess it was Robin Hood. It's got to be, if there's darts in it and arrows.

Yeah, they would do that and Jim Bowen going right this is what you would have won to Robin if you hit the target first time you'd have won all this money for poor. He gets a speedboat and gives it to the poor. Yeah. You know Prince Harry's at his wedding invited four ex-girlfriends and I always hope that he might have said to them this is what you Anyway, you're absolutely right it is Robin Hood Okay, there you go It was indeed Robin Hood and this particular production got a very odd review from someone who said awful Experiences the auditorium was full of children Okay, so now it's time for Amy and Ahia.

Remember you hear two reviews and then you can have a go. Here's the first. Now this one I should say is from a 2023 production starring people very well known to radio for the husband and wife improv team of Paul Merton and Suki Webster and the review simply said despite the couple's billing matter there were no striptease sequences. Let me get this right, Paul Merton did not do a striptease is a bad review. Any ideas? So it's a show in which Paul Merton didn't do a strip tease, but could have reasonably be expected to have come out.

This was when Paul Merton was in the Magic Mike pantomime. Or Hollyoaks after hours. The Panta. Do you want another clue? Yes please. Okay, it's your second review then and what you have to know is that this production has replaced the hero's traditional cat with a meerkat but did it work? The reviewer says it's never entirely clear what animal he's supposed to be,

ostensibly a meerkat. He seems to be the result of a liaison between the Lion King and a toilet brush brought up in the black country As you may have guessed a toilet brush brought up in the black country is actually a review of one of my shows I Think you might be on to it. Are you well? I presume it's it's cats the musical but with just me cat Well, I presume it's Cats the Musical, but with just meerkats. I'd love to see that. Or? Or Dick Whittenthal. Yes. It certainly is Dick Whittenthal, my God.

I wish the meerkat had been in Robin Hood, though, because he could have said, what are these strange conical hats with chiffon attachments that women are wearing? And he could have said Wimpoos. So the scores are Mark and Angela are on two points, Amy and Arheer are on two points. The next round is called Don't Tear the Wrapping Paper. Christmas is time for giving but so many presents are simply what they call white elephant gifts,

where you can't really believe that someone would actually want it. For example, the Smells Like Jack Greelish candle, and I quote, with notes of the perfect thighs topped off with a fresh scent of football pitch. And it's had generally positive reviews like smells delicious much better than Jack himself I'm sure. But also one that said smells amazing and doesn't leave any residue on clothes. Some teams I want you to gift me the most extraordinary thing you've seen on sale and I want reviews as well. If I like it, you'll get more points. If I don't, it's down the charity shop with you. So we'll start with Amy.

Well, I'd like to just preface this by saying the item title, I've realised is actually quite difficult for me to say in a Hull accent. So you'll have to bear with me, right? So it's a Christmas decoration. It's a pun on mistletoe. It's a frog-like creature holding a missile. It is, of course, a missile toad. LAUGHTER I'm never coming round your house for... ..toad in the hole.

LAUGHTER Sorry, Amy, do carry on. Right, so it's literally a toad and it's holding a missile. You can hang it on your tree and things like that, but the description of it is incredible because the person who's written the description has clearly had an ordeal, right? And they're not hiding it very well. So this is the genuine description of the item.

Don't put yourself through the headache of getting boring fake mistletoe only to have it flattened during delivery. What? Lightweight enough to be hung anywhere, but strong enough to resist crushing during delivery. Also, one of the few mistletoe decorations that doesn't include any glitter.

Isn't there enough mess to clean up during the holiday season? It's like, what has happened to this person and their delivery? There's a couple of nice reviews. Someone who, I don't know if they're a bit lonely, somebody put, amazing, I love it, his name is Tony. his name is Tony. LAUGHTER I was in town shows in Hull during the year it was City of Culture. Oh, yeah. And I don't know if you remember this, Amy, or if you're aware of this,

but near the dock bit there was this little machine was put there that as you walked past it, whatever you said, lit up about 100 yards down a straight bit of road. Oh my gosh. And this was quite weird. You walk past and if you went, oh, a bit chilly tonight, and then it came up on this big... The lights come up a bit chilly, which is quite frightening there. So of course, as soon as it was put there, the good people of Hull did what anyone would do.

But they had to then change it so that the software recognized swear words and it wouldn't show them up. And I mentioned this to the audience in Holness doing it, and I said, so what is the rudest swear word that anyone's been able to say and still get away with it? And immediately a bloke went, leads! LAUGHTER What's your Christmas thing, Aheya?

It's a phone charger, right? Who doesn't want a phone charger? Who doesn't need a phone charger? Everyone wants a phone charger. But they all, you know, they all look the same. Might end up taking the wrong one. So why not get one that looks like a realistic umbilical cord? So that's what I'm after.

I'm after the iPhone umbilical cable. For want of a better word, when plugged in, it pulsates. That's pretty weird. And you may think that I need to know more about this product, so I'll read the description that the creator of this product has made, which is, I designed the looking of this cable as an umbilical cord which mother feeds energy to her baby. It moves as if it's trying to introduce iPhone into just like to express an irony to people's dependence on iPhone. And I think that explains everything. Oh, marvelous. Angela, have you got something horrible for us? I'm excited about mine because mine is a perfect gift.

It is uranium ore in a tin, which you can buy on Amazon. I think buy it for your kids. Watch their faces light up. Quite literally. The review I loved most was this from someone called Jack, and he said, I did a cool experiment with it, put it in water to try to make bubbles with the radon gas it gives up so I just thought well if you want something a bit more hardcore than Avon you could literally make a bath bomb. I tell you what I'm gonna leave you with this

tragic gifting story we found on Reddit I bought my whole family tickets to see James Brown live. Literally within minutes of them opening their presents, it was announced on the news Christmas morning that James Brown had died. LAUGHTER Apparently, his last words were, I feel bad.

LAUGHTER The scores are sizzling, Marc and Angela Four and Amy and I are here for. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Of course, our sizzling Marc and Angela Four and Amy and I are here for. Okay, this round's called What Am I Watching? Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without flopping down, front of the television, Christmas movie, and passing around the ever-decreasing in size tin of Quality Street.

Or as one reviewer said Quality Street should be called shite lane. Christmas is definitely getting darker my 12 year old still has nightmares about baby reindeer. Each team's gonna hear two real reviews left by people who've watched Christmas movies and you have to work out what that movie is. So we'll start with Angela and Mark and here's your first review of your mystery movie. I have to say it's quite a harsh take on a much loved Christmas classic. The film glorifies generational wealth and the status quo and the unthinking viewer

laughs at the outsiders attempts to improve their economic lives the thinking viewer is left with existential dread so Angela and Mark what film leads you with existential dread? So first bit again Frank about the wealth I knew I knew this would appeal to you, Mark. LAUGHTER The film glorifies generational wealth and the status quo. Status quo are in it? Yeah, there's a false ending to the film. Watch that. I think we need another one. OK, here it comes.

This is written by someone with what you might call an aesthetic bent. Several times recently I've been watching something and thought to myself, the music in this is really lovely and every time I thought that the score was by John Williams. Also it's funny when Joe Pesci gets hit in the balls. So that's the Home Alone one isn't it? It's Home Alone! Yes it is.

Very very right wing political film. Well I suppose it is. Very, very right-wing political film. Well, I suppose it is. I find it a very sort of soothing, sort of smooth, silky type of a movie. Oh, sorry, that's Joe Malone. I'll give you a third review, just for the hell of it. A small child and a duo of criminals attempt to brutally murder each other. Hilarity ensues. And someone else did point out, I could easily kill Kevin, he's a child.

And one more review, again I promise you this is absolutely genuine. My nan fell down the stairs while I had this on. I didn't find the film accurate. Okay, now Amy and Ahi, you have to hear some reviews and guess a movie. Here's the first one. Imagine how it feels for a friend or a family member to recommend blank to you. You've known this person for years and you respect their opinion. At first you think it's a joke. No way could this have been a serious recommendation, right? Nobody in their right mind could enjoy this schmaltzy

load of glossy corporate Christmas crap. And that's the moment where you realise that this person you've known for most of your life has a side to them you never truly knew. It's like finding out that your uncle is dating an 18 year old. There's nothing technically illegal about it. You'll never be able to look at him the same way again. Any ideas what that film might be? Wow, well if it feels like your uncle's dating an 18-year-old, maybe it's something with Leonardo DiCaprio in it. Oh, I don't know. Schmaltzy.

I feel as though there's only, like, one Christmas film that inspires that sort of, like, vitriol. Oh. But maybe we need to hear another... I think we need to hear another one, please. OK. Part of the ARCU, the A-R-R-C-C-U, the Alan Rickman Ruining Christmas Cinematic Universe. Any ideas?

I think that it is Love Actually. It is Love Actually. Well done. Wow! You did so good! There are so many Christmas films we could have chosen, but out of all the films and all the reviews, I must share One last one from the Mopic Christmas Carol which calls it the perfect Christmas movie with the perfect message If a frog and a pig have sex the babies will be pigs or frogs, but nothing mixed

Anyway the scores are Mark and Angela six points, Amy and Ahia six points. Okay, this next round's called, please sir, can I have some less? And as we start descending the long slope into Turkey, Sani's week, I want the panellists to tell me of the food horrors they've seen in the run up to Christmas and how they've been reviewed. I personally once had Christmas dinner on a pizza. You'd think it wouldn't work and you'd be right. I'll hear. I've discovered Christmas food called the turducken.

It's a chicken and a duck. So you think, all right, cool, we're just getting a nice sort of friends reunion here yeah and then a turkey gets involved with turkeys the yeah so it's like it's a chicken stuffed into a duck stuffed into a turkey stuffed into a person stuffed into an ambulance stuffed into any what about you, Mark? Well, it's quite a simple review, but then I don't know what else this person expected really because there's pigs in blanket flavored tea.

Yeah. And somebody's written a review, it's just hot sausage water. What did they expect? I was expecting a hint of apricot and maybe a soup son of cherry. All this stuff with tea, because I am of a generation where tea is like a cup of tea love, there you go, cup of tea.

Sugar, you're sweet enough. Alright darling, that's proper tea. Rather than now. Oh, what do you, tea, what sort of, tea, tea! Well, we've got Lapsang, Diddley Daddley, Bloody Earl of Cumberland, Bloody Orange upside down, Grapefruit, left hand side of a tomato,

Ginger with bloody sweat of a panda And the tears of a leopard And scrapings from the top of the Taj Mahal And weasel dropping that's been sent to space and back to... TEA! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I ran out of words. LAUGHTER

Oh, there were plenty. Angela. My thing that I found is that British favourite, the Pot Noodle, do a Christmas dinner version called the Pot Noel. See what they've done? Beautiful, isn't it? All they've done is taken some letters away. It's that easy.

And what it is, it's the flavour of turkey, gravy, stuffing and all the trimmings. Now if you were wondering, Frank, what all the trimmings mean, I've always wondered, in Christmas dinner, what are all the trimmings. Now if you were wondering Frank, what all the trimmings mean. I've always wondered if Christmas didn't... what are all the trimmings? Well apparently they now include potassium carbonate, monosodium glutamate and noodles. So there you go. I think that you said that Pot Noodle just had to take away a couple of letters and get to Pot Noelle and if they'd taken away more letters they'd have got to... no. No. No. Amy what's your Christmas horrible food thing? It's red cabbage and apples coated in a spice dressing. How wrong can it go?

Well I'll read you the first few reviews. Revolting, bindi, nasty nasty mess like eating bleach all in caps. It's just wrong. And then somebody says, this tastes like someone poured cloves and cinnamon in, but the lid fell off and they didn't tell their boss. My favourite review is someone saying, like eating a mouthful of gloves. They definitely meant cloves, but I think gloves is even better and then it's much better, isn't it? And then the final review is two words all in caps. It just says run away

Let's have a look at the final scores Mark and Angela eight Amy and I hear eight Well joy to the world. You're both winners. It's a Christmas miracle. It is. It's lovely. And you get a very special present that we found on a German website. And it is, and I quote, decorative chainsaw baubles, which is probably one word in German,

isn't it? They're little glass chainsaws and the blurb genuinely says, a real eye-catcher on the Christmas tree. I'll leave you with a review that to me sums up the spirit of Christmas as a time of peace and goodwill. And it's for a three-pack of decorative red and white and green light up Christmas gnomes which simply said they arrived after Christmas but they're lovely goodbye and Merry Christmas. One person who found this helpful was hosted by Frank Skinner and starred Angela Barnes, Amy

Gledhill, Mark Steele and Ahir Shah. It was written by Frank Skinner, Katherine Brighwood, Sarah Dunster, Jason Haseley, Rajeev Kharia, Carl Minns, Katie Sayre and Peter Toulouse. The show was devised by Jason Haseley and Simon Evans with the producer David Tyler. And it was a positive production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of You're Dead to Me, the Radio 4 comedy show that takes history seriously.

And we are back for Series 8, starting with a live episode recorded at the Hay Literary Festival all about the history of the medieval printed book in England. Our comedian there is Robin Ince. And then we'll be moving on to the life of Mary Anning, the famous paleontologist of the 19th century, with Sarah Pascoe. Then it's off to Germany in the 1920s for an episode on LGBTQ life in Weimar, Germany with Jordan Gray. And then we'll hop on a ship all the way back to Bronze Age Crete to learn about the ancient Minoans with Josie Long. Plus loads more.

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