Comedy of the Week - You Heard It Here First

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

Chris McCausland asks Donna Preston and Jon Long to take on Glenn Moore and Sara Pascoe. Sara Pascoe finds a child's description of a famous film scene impossible to decipher. The two teams must figure out what on earth is being advertised on TV, guess what famous objects or locations children are trying to describe, and work out the age of members of the audience from their voice alone.Producer: Sasha Bobak Assistant Producer: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Dan MarchiniA BBC Studios ProductionAn EcoAudio certified production

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello and welcome to You Heard It Here First. My name is Chris McCausland and this is the show that asks our guests to live in an audio-only world and decipher audio clues to see if they can figure out what the hell is going on, where the hell it's going on, and why the hell it's being allowed to go on in the first place. It's the show that bounces our guests on the rusty trampoline of unbearable noise and asks them to somersault to a symphony of soundbites

before inevitably landing awkwardly and breaking their pelvis in at least three places. It's the show that says, what insurance? It's your own fault for agreeing to do it, idiots. With enough of my waffle, let's meet the idiots that will be nip, tuck, and dive bombing through today's offerings. On my right is Donna Preston and John Long.

CHEERING And on my left, Sarah Pascoe and Glenn Moore. CHEERING And before we get stuck in properly, let's find out something about our guest within the context of audio, I suppose. Donna, let's start with you. Tell us something about yourself. I did this last year with you and I'm still single.

So, anyone out there? I'm available. So when I said tell us something about yourself within the context of audio, you just figured broadcast a personal ad to the nation on Radio 4. Yes! Thank you. John, save us all. Tell us something about yourself. Hi, my name's John and before I moved to London, I'd never once heard the noises that foxes make. Oh. When they have sex, yes, okay.

Not the only one caught out by this. Come from Lincolnshire, I don't know if they just do it further away. Or because the whole illegal hunting situation, just a bit more coy, but I'd never heard that till I moved here. Freaked you out, mate? Freaked me out, I called the police.

Ha ha ha! Two officers came to my door. I'd never heard that till I moved here. Freaked you out, Mike? Freaked me out? I called the police. LAUGHTER Two officers came to my door. Halfway through, I explained what I'd heard. One of them just went, oh, gosh. LAUGHTER How did you describe it to them? It sounds like someone's murdering an accordion. Well, I had to just do the noise at him.

LAUGHTER What was it? Well, it's quite loud. Let me do it away from the microphone. Basically, and I was doing this at two police officers. What was it? Well, it's quite loud. Let me do it away from the microphone. And I was doing this at two police officers. I was going... SCREAMS SCREAMS SCREAMS

There's a fox walking by outside who's like, hello. LAUGHTER Sarah, tell us something about yourself. Well, I'm very angry at the moment with noises in general when I'm trying to put my baby to sleep I've got a 16 week old baby and so every single don't say eyes awful Every single noise, you know footsteps pepper pig Breathing my husband saying I love you

Every single sound makes me furious Yeah, pepper pig. Do you know what annoys me? Is that he answers the phone in work by saying, hello, Daddy Pig speaking. You're at work, it's Mr Pig. What does he do for a living? He sells sausages. OK, Glenn, tell us something about yourself, mate.

I mean, I take great pride in my hearing. In fact, a few years ago, I had a job interview and I was able to say to them, you know, my greatest strength is listening. And they said, no, we asked you what your biggest weakness is. And enough of that waffle now as well. Let's get started. OK, Donna, John, let's start with you guys.

You're vegged out on the couch trimming your toenails or whatever you do when the adverts come on. And you're momentarily distracted from your artful clipping by this commercial offering. Have a listen to this and tell me what the hell you think is going on here. Men. Men. Men.

Men. Men. Men. Men. Men. Men. Men. Men.

Men. What the hell do you think is going on there? It's basically running away from men. It's an ad about running away from men. I thought it was just your less personal ad. LAUGHTER Do they sound excited by the men or scared of the men? Yeah, frightened, so get away from the men.

At one point it sounds like they're in a nightclub, you know, and they're like, oh... And it sounded maybe like they stumbled into a gay bar, and there's all these men, but they weren't happy about it. Is it maybe a tourism ad, but aimed at people who are homophobic? Are you frightened of gay men? Come to Older Shot, I don't know. Sorry, Older Shot, that was the most heteronormative place

I could think of off the top of my head. If I was to tell you that it's either an advert for a roll-on deodorant that lasts 72 hours, an oriental spice-infused brand of noodles, or underpants that have a built-in shelf, which way would you go with that? There's two points in it for you if you can give me the right answer. I love deodorant, yeah. Yeah, let's say deodorant. 72 hour deodorant. Because there was a lot of speed in there, running, sweat, re-o. Active lifestyle. That's why you need to get away from the men

that haven't showered for three days. Yes. Okay, deodorant. Okay, you're going for the deodorant. Yeah, final answer. And I can tell you that you are wrong. What? Oh.

Okay, guys, I'm to pass it over to you. There's a point in it for you if you can give me the right answer, but I have a little talk through what you think was going on there. In the advert, they're running so quickly that you wouldn't want to run the risk of falling over if there was a shelf in your pants. It's like a little support area for mail appendages. Oh, I thought it was like a bookcase.

So it's sort of like a hammocky, elasticy... Yeah, I mean, I've called it a shelf. More for the fellas that come along with the chap. Yes. Anyway, I think it's noodles. Am I the captain or are we equal? LAUGHTER Just to check.

Are you going with the noodles? We've got to go with noodles, yeah. And I can tell you that you are right. Yeah. Yeah. It is in fact the noodles with men actually being the Japanese word for noodles. So really the advert is just shouting noodles

over and over and over again. Whilst in the advert, a man, as in an actual man, not singular noodle, stands in a ring and fights off lots of men, as in multiple noodles. It's quite confusing. So is Clark Kent super noodle? And you guys get a point for that. So with men in mind, let's play a game that's all about men.

And by men, I mean men and not noodles. Donna and John first. I'm going to ask you to Donna blindfold as we play a game that I like to call, guess the age of some men who are actually in the audience standing right in front of you. Oh, God! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, we all like to judge others, and it is so much easier if you can see the person you are judging. When I picture somebody in my head, I have to guess how old just from their voice,

so let's see how you guys manage. Have you got your blindfolds on, Donna and John? Yes, sir. Yes. OK, let's start off. We have got two gentlemen from the audience for you to guess the age. Basically how we're gonna work this is is the combined error of your judgment will be judged against the combined error of your other team. So gentlemen one introduce yourself say

something completely random. Hi my name is Owen and I'm Chris McCall's greatest fan. Oh! I mean, I had no idea he was going to say that. That's lovely of you, Owen. So, what do you think of Owen? What do you think, John? I think he's a middle-aged Welsh bloke. Yeah. Teacher.

You're a teacher? He works at the Citizens Advice Bureau. He's just got a nice voice to it. I trust him in an emergency. Are you an estate agent? Can I just say that this wasn't guess the job of the man? LAUGHTER I mean, so far, John thinks he's getting a point for saying Welsh

when the man sounds the most Welsh you've ever heard of. We go on an occupation, then age. You're trying to judge his age by saying occupations that have been round for the last... Yeah, estate agent. Yeah, you're a blacksmith, though. LAUGHTER OK, so we'll say 49. No, let's do 39. What?!

LAUGHTER 39? I think this is turning into not how old do you think Owen is, but how old does Donna wish Owen is. LAUGHTER OK, well, let's hurry up, pick old does Donna wish, oh, it is? OK, well, let's hurry up, pick a number. 39, John. 39? 39. OK, let's have your second person. My name's Ed and I'm Chris McCall's greatest fan.

Oh. Oh. What's the chances? Two in the middle, sir. Can we ask questions? As long as it doesn't narrow down, you're not allowed to ask me... What year were you born, Ed? Ed, how well do you remember the thundercats? As long as it doesn't narrow down, you're not allowed to ask me... What year were you born, Ed? LAUGHTER Ed, how well do you remember the Thundercats?

Ed, no! Be quiet, Ed! Also, my eyeballs are sweating in this. It's very hot in here. OK, well, let's hurry up, pick a number. I think it's 37. Let's go. 37. OK, you're going with 37. So, guys, before we find out the ages, you are allowed to remove your blindfolds. Oh, yeah.

Owen, how old are you? 65. 65. You're 26 out. For Ed. Hello, Ed. You said 37 for Ed. Okay, Ed, how old are you?

39. Oh! You're looking good. So you are just two out. That makes you 28 out in time. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh! You look young, you look young.

So you are just two out. That makes you 28 out in total. So now we hand over to the other two. You've got to be within 28 margin of error. Put your blindfolds on, guys. OK, we've had a lot longer to look at the audience. Yeah. So we know that Ed is the youngest person here.

LAUGHTER Yeah. So we know that Ed is the youngest person here. Okay, so our third person, could you please say something into the microphone? Hello, my name's Ollie and I am Chris McCausland's greatest fan. It's only you say that because you sound like you've never heard of him or something. So the first thing we know is you're a liar. I love MC Causland. I mean, I think he sounds definitely grown up. Should we say 54? When you say grown up, do you mean not a child?

Yep, post puberty. That could be anything. I think 54. Ollie sounds older than me. You've gone with 54. Let's have our fourth person, please. You all right? My name's Alan and I'm Chris McCausland's greatest fan. You are 11 years old.

Lovely, lovely sounding voice. You can tell he's got a nice personality. I think Alan might be older. Yeah, I think so. Where are you from, Alan? Liverpool. OK. You didn't get that from the accent. That's absurd.

Let's make it really Liverpoolian. 64. Yeah. I concur. OK, you're going for 64. 54 and 64. So, please take off your blindfolds. Ollie, OK, have a look at Ollie.

Oh, for God's sake. The youngest person I've ever seen in my life. It's basically a baby in a beanie. You're only 54 years old with a baby in the beanie. Ollie, how old are you? 39. You own 54 years old with a baby in the beanie. Ollie, how old are you? 39.

39! Ollie's a kid. 15 years out, so you need to be better than 11 years out on Alan to take the points. Alan, how old are you? I am 64 in two months. Oh! Pretty much bang on the money. That means that Sarah and Glenn get the points.

Yes! Sarah and Glenn, we're going to stick with you. You're having a little browse through the shopping channels for that bizarre device that might just change your life. And you come across these guys. Have a listen to this and see if you can figure out what the hell is going on here. It's completely cushioned. And then you can see the cord is long enough to come up here and then all you do is you turn This on and you let it go. Yeah, I'm gonna put it on for about five minutes

You can set it for five ten fifteen, you know start off with just five though The first time you use it, you know what if you see somebody and you know somebody who is bedbound You say what can I do for them? You know what? Why not take this to them? It makes you feel so good. It's just tingly, it's cool, it feels great. For $69, it's an incredible buy. What the hell do you think's going on there? It sounded a bit familiar to me.

I thought with the whole, you know, take it to a bed bound person, it's cushioned, it's gonna make them feel great. I think it's a scale-extricks kit. LAUGHTER It's got a really long cord, so you can play even if you're lying down. And you can sort of hear the... HE MAKES A SOUNDSHIFTER

..as the little car goes round. Glenn? I'm thinking, switch it on, last for about 15 minutes, American appeals to the bed... Is it 46th US President Joe Biden? LAUGHTER I just thought it might be a big mouth Billy Bass.

Oh, yes, without the singing. Yeah, but maybe it does sing after a while. It's perfect for a bed-bound person who can't turn it off. Quarter of an hour of don't worry, be happy from a singing fish. That would make you tingle after a while. OK, well I'm going to give you some options. OK, if I was to tell you that they are trying to sell us a device that rotates your ankles and nothing else but your ankles,

a device that simulates going for a run but just by pumping your buttocks, or is it a device that works your neck by making your head do sit ups on its own? Which way would you go with that? An ankle rotator, a buttock pumper or a head sitter-upperer? Well I could understand why all of those things might exist for someone who is actually unable to move very far you know because you can get stiff or you can get bed sores and things but because of the tingling I think it's buttocks. OK, that what you're going for? Yeah. Yes.

And I can tell you that you are wrong. Oh! OK, guys, I'm going to pass it over to you for a point. If you can give me the right answer from the other two options. What do you think was going on there? Donna thinks it's the last one. Yeah, I think it's the last one because the lady that was there was one of the ladies that was speaking she was tense that's like a sitter and I can tell you that you are

wrong it was the device that rotates your ankles and nothing else but your ankles you just lie on the floor and let the machine make your feet do tiny little circles while you have some time to just lie there and question your life choices, I suppose. When I'm a scour on the internet for crappy clips of even crappier products that I can use on this show, I like to sit down with a good film.

So with that in mind, let's play a game that I like to call, What the Hell Am I Watching? Okay, I'm gonna play you some sound clips. Let's play a game that I like to call, What the Hell Am I Watching? Yeah! Whoo! Okay, I'm going to play you some sound clips. Each of the separate sounds makes up part of the name of a well-known film. I want you to figure out what these sounds are,

what the film is, and then tell me, What the Hell Am I Watching? Whoo! I'm going to go to you guys first, Sarah and Glenn. These are in no particular order. There's two points in it for you if you can get it right yourself, but one point if I have to get you there myself. Here is your first sound.

And here is your second sound. Drive that shoulder back, roll the hips towards me. One more. Oh. What the hell am I watching? Piss karate. Maybe water or rush. Yes, water.

Rush hour. It's this. What's that? One more. What is that? One more. What? Breaking. Breaking what? Tracking something. What is that? One more. Breaking. Breaking what?

A back. Yes, but what part of the back? One more. That. The spine. Yes, and then that. What is that? A wet spine.

Wet spine the movie. This is Spinal Tap. Yes! Okay, Don and John, this one is for you. In no particular order, your film is made up of three sound clips. In no particular order, here's your first sound. RUMBLING Here's your second sound.

SHE LAUGHS And here's your second sound. LAUGHTER And here's your third sound. Yeah, well, you've got a very divided world today. What the hell am I watching? I don't bloody know, mate. That lady over there knows straight away. LAUGHTER Right, so the first one was a projector? Yeah, or real or something like that.

Real? Like film or... Come on, guys, we've got a spinal tap like that. LAUGHTER Can we hear them quickly again, please? or something like that. Real? Like film or... Come on guys, we've got a spinal tap like that. Yeah. Can we hear them quickly again please? Here's your first sound. So it's three words, three words. You've got that one. It's the three words.

Yeah, no, yeah, you've got that one. You've got that one. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Yeah, well you've got a very divided world today. Three words. What the hell am I watching? The Blair Witch Project. Yes!

Oh my God! Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And at the end of all that nonsense, Glenn and Sarah are in the lead! Let's move on to round two. When my daughter was younger, she would often ask me what something was in a picture in a book.

But before I could tell her, she'd first have to describe it to me. So we're going to see how our guests cope and if they can figure out what these famous or iconic things are that these adorable kids are trying to describe to them from a picture that the kids can see but our guests can't. Donna, John you guys are up first and you've got the adorable Milo who will be describing something to you. There's two clips you get two points if you can get it out from the first clip and just one of it takes you both the clips. Are you ready?

Take it away, Milo. There's a big room, very big room. Looks quite like an old building. Someone's saying a speech, dressed very smartly. There are like these ropes hanging from the ceiling. It looks like they've been tied at the end with like the string coming out. There's like a, a golden...

Not a box, but, like, it's, like, in the shape of a typewriter. OK. Any idea what Milo's describing to you there? Lion King. LAUGHTER Well, those well-dressed lions. LAUGHTER Is it Aladdin?

Was it Aladdin? Yeah. As in the cartoon? Yeah. Well, let's listen to the second clip. So, if you want to stick with Aladdin for two points, so change your mind for a single point. Here's your second clip. There are lots of people in the background, lots of people watching.

There are lots of people with papers. There's nice wooden walls with patterns on. I'm not sure what they're all doing. They're all reading these green books. The colour scheme is basically brown and green. Oh, that man who was biting his nails, he's not the only one. There are lots of men and women who look a bit disappointed.

who look a bit disappointed? LAUGHTER A lot of disappointed men around a golden typewriter. Golden typewriter? Not a green, brown... Green Books. What's the Green Books? Benedict Cumberbatch film. Is it the Imitation Game? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently it doesn't have a gold typewriter. No, I know, but other than that, it's exactly the same as the invitation cake.

Oh, let's find out. Milo, were they right? Oh, Milo. Sorry, it's the House of Commons. You are wrong. Green and brown. Oh, well, that's no points for you. Sarah and Glenn, over to you now. And you've got Bertie, who will be describing something for you. Take it away, Bertie. I can see some beautiful people

and some beautiful flags in the background with a ferris wheel as well. All the people are on the grass outside and there's even one on the ferris wheel. I can see a man really close that's relaxing in the shade. Well, kinda. And one of the person jumped up in the air, the ninja.

Any idea guys? I thought it might be one of those things like outside like the London Eye where they show the World Cup or something like that. Oh yes, sort of South bank. Yeah, but then the ninja had to throw everything into disarray But everyone's beautiful and happy and a man's lying down but Ferris wheel makes us think London Eye Yeah, but then beautiful and happy makes us think it's not the UK Is there another can we have another clue?

Is there another clue? There is. Let's have the second clue. This looks like a party with loads of people, and I think the two main characters, they're both wearing black shirts or dresses, boy with black hair and girl with blonde curly hair one of the man is wearing a black jacket with jeans and fancy black shoes they look 30 40 years old any wiser guys so do you think this is royal? Maybe. Because I'm thinking about the queue for... LAUGHTER

Yeah, everyone looked happy. All the London landmarks, but now they're all wearing black. Or maybe like the Olympics? Let's say Olympics. It's the Olympics. OK, you're going for the Olympics. Bertie, are they right? Sorry, but it's not the answer, mate. It's the last scene of Grease.

LAUGHTER Right, OK. It's that famous scene... Excuse me, Bertie, before you start calling us mate, do you want to... LAUGHTER Do you want to have a little look in the mirror? Where's the ninja in Grease? LAUGHTER Have a little look in the mirror. Where's the ninja in Greece? Oh, anyway, that's no points for you guys either.

What a disappointing round. But at the end of that round, Glenn and Sarah are still in the lead. Let's move on to round three. Okay, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. It's the frantic mayhem that we lovingly call the quick fire round. Okay, Donna, John, you guys are up first. You have until the clocks and sounds to answer as many questions as you can. I'm going to alternate between the two of you, so please only answer if it is your turn.

Do you understand? Yes. Are you understand? Yes. Are you ready? Yes. Okay, here we go. Donna, is this a gong or a massive bell? A gong. It's a massive bell.

Do it! John, is this Bridgerton or Downton Abbey? You cannot want your only granddaughter to prove it. It is Downton Abbey. Donna, what the hell is this? A maraca. It is maracas. Yes, John.

John, where am I? You're in the car. What the hell is this? A maraca. It is maraca. Yes! John, where am I? You're in the car. On a ferry. Oh god, you were so close. It's a car wash. No! Donna, what show is this?

What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen? Never park it, just drive it around. Come on, cue. Yes! Just one more letter! QI. QI! Yes! Jon, which sexy, sexy man is this? Who's the more formidable? Wow, what a way to put me on the spot. Owen? Was that you?

Idris Elba, Donna, what's going on here? Tap dancing. It is tap dancing, Jon. Who has been a genuine ray of sunshine? I just try, try my best to make all the people happy. I don't know, Ringo Starr. It's Andy Murray. Ringo Starr. I've done it, Chris.

And at the end of that, you guys got six points. OK, Sarah Glenn, that, you guys got six points. CHEERING OK, Sarah, Glenn, over to you guys. You're going to alternate. I want the answer when it is your turn. Are you ready? Yeah, can we take the blindfolds off now? LAUGHTER Sarah, what job is this?

Miltman. It is a Miltman. A woman. What film am I watching? I'm going to play a wonderful game called Who is My Daddy? and what does he do? Um, a kindergarten cop. It is kindergarten cop. Sarah, is this a blackbird or a bluted? WHISTLE Blackbird. It is a blackbird.

Glenn, is this real Boris or an impression of Boris? I get old wooden crates. It is real Boris. Sarah, name the company. Microsoft. It's Apple. Glenn, name the company. Microsoft. It's Apple! Glenn! Does a wall collapse or a tree fall over?

Wall collapsed. That wall did collapse! Sarah, what show is this? Scusi, Babidi Boopi. Cicosa? What are you doing? Speaking Italian. Come on.

What? It's Family Guy. Glenn, what brand of crystal are you doing speaking Italian come on what it's family guy Glenn what brand of Christmas are shaking? But if he walkers Chris no, it's Pringles it was in a tube with you Sarah who might be confused by his own reflection still finding where my clothes every single day It's David Beckham. Oh, no. And at the end of that, you guys got four points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, it's happening. Which means that at the end of all that nonsense, the winners are Sarah Pascoe and Glenn Moore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our guests Donna Preston and John Long, Sarah Pascoe and Glenn Moore. My name's Chris McCorsland and I stopped two random women in the street and I asked them what they thought of this show and they said... It makes you feel so good. It's just tingly, it's cool, it's incredible. Yeah, thanks ladies, that's what I thought.

You heard it here first. Cheers, good night. You Heard It Here First was written and presented by me, Chris McCausland. The producer was Sasha Bobak. The assistant producer was Becky Carer-Jeffreys. And this was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast featuring The News Quiz and Dead Ringers. From BBC Radio 4, Britain's biggest paranormal podcast is going on a road trip. I thought in that moment, oh my god, we've summoned something from this board.

This is Uncanny USA. He says somebody's in the house and I screamed. Listen to Uncanny USA on Beepsy Sounds or wherever you get your podcasts. If you dare.