Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Lady Crackers

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Jordan attempts to show his ability to be a successful product pitchman. Conan and Jordan also take turns answering life’s great philosophical questions. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

["Mean Mean Strife Theme Song"] All right, well welcome to the Conan and Jordan show. This is our second episode. I have to be honest with you, Jordan, I didn't think we'd get to a second episode. Yeah. Because during the last one, I'm just being honest, I wanted to smash your face into powder. But we made it.

We're here. And this is by popular demand. People love the Conan and Jordan show. What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode? I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one. I live pretty much a secluded, strange life. But I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit,

so much so that look, we have our own sign now, the Conan and Jordan show. Now I was under the impression that the previous recording session was an audition of sorts. Oh God, no. No, we use every part of the Buffalo here. We can't waste anything.

So no, that was not an audition. That was the first episode. So now we have our own show. We've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass. What requirements are there? This is the radio. I was under the impression, it was sink or swim, that the first episode was gonna determine

the future viability of you and I. Not really, no. No, you were under no pressure. Is this a vote of confidence by any interpretation? Nobody. Nobody has, I've run this up the flagpole, it's serious. They said we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call.

How does this compare, the launch of this show, how would this compare, let's say, to the launch of your late night show, making a 19- 30 years ago now. Yeah. Or any of your new projects, even your Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast.

Would this be comparable launch? Not at all. No, those were like massive battleships that you hit it with the champagne, they slide into the ocean, then they have a storied career on the high seas defending England or America or whatever country manufactured the ship. This, I don't know, this is the emission of a little gas, maybe from like a broken down machine,

but still it's something that's happening. We have to respect it. What kind of promotional circuit can I expect? Will we be hitting the road? Oh God, no. Spreading the word. No, no, no, we can't spread anything. Is there any kind of press release that I need to approve or anything like that?

I don't even think we can afford that and I'm told they're free. So no, and first of all, you've so far been just asking a series of questions and I've indulged you, but let me get a little bit of stuff out. Oh, you have an agenda. Okay, go ahead. Well, you don't have to announce everything.

It's the Conan and Jordan show. It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk. And people do all the time ask me, how's Jordan doing? I want more Conan and Jordan. You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube, various other sundry places, the websites. People love them.

They can't get enough. They want more. Well, now we're giving them more. And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around, maybe in your rental car or at home listening to SiriusXM. This is the way to do it. People listen to the Conan O'Brien channel.

They wanna hear this stuff, you know? So it's you and I together. How you feeling about it? That's what you cut me off to get to? Yeah. I thought you had some bombshell you were gonna drop. That's what you had to say? That's the information you had to spread?

Yeah. I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979. A question that's been confounding fans for decades on the forums. You had him right here. I did ask him.

You could have said, what were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist too. Do you prefer a telecaster or a stratocaster? You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people- It's just stratocaster. It's not stratocaster. Second of all- We just said the same thing. Second of all, I did ask him the question that people- It's personal, it's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster. Second of all- We just said the same thing.

Second of all, I did ask him, we talked about it as he was getting into his car, because the magic moments for me aren't captured, okay? You greedily want me to spill that kind of stuff into a microphone. I walked Billy to his car, it was Acura and massive dent, the back bumper. And I asked him that question and he told me the answer, but that's the kind of thing I can't share.

You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out. He would have told you it's not meant to be a secret. It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked. Now you had the opportunity to ask and finally put the stress,

but instead you decided to stick to guitars. I asked him what I was interested in. And I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura and he did. So I was satisfied. The internet is a great resource for many things. You could look up Beyonce's song, lyrics to Lemonade, and see a thousand renditions of it,

but there are some songs, John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire, where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere. You can look at the sets like- Wait a minute, the song St. Elmo's Fire? Okay. The last chorus- Do you like that song? 1985, Man in Motion, St. Elmo's Fire? Okay. The last chorus. Do you like that song?

1985 Man in Motion, St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds, but under the guise of a teen movie as used in the movie St. Elmo's Fire. They weren't teens, they were in their 20s. Don't anger me when people call people teens, when they're 25, 26, some of them pushing 30. Emilio Estevez was 44 years old when he starred in that movie.

You're a man that appreciates horns. Do you understand the horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus? Yet, nobody understands what the lyrics are. But I figured it out. I figured it out. No, you try to figure it out. I looked at the sheet music in the 80s, and the sheet music had the wrong lyrics.

I can't conjure the song. I can't conjure the song. I can't conjure the song. I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky. Hold on, hold on. They changed the lyrics in the last chorus. That's the power. The lyrics are the same in the first and second, but the last one, he changes it up.

But you can't understand what he's saying. I figured it out. I listened to that hundreds of times. You cannot figure it out. Everything on the internet is wrong. Everything on the internet is wrong. Everything on the internet is wrong. A life well spent. Here we go.

No, you gotta get to the end. We're gonna listen to this part first. Okay, this is, I remember this. The first note is up cut. Famous production error. I think the year was 1985. I'm in the theater. Yeah, I just said that.

Settle down. You're kind of revving. I listen to those drums. Those are terrible. This driving beat that was David Foster's signature, Night Rangers, Secret of My Success. Wait, why are we listening to... I told you to get to the end. You like this song?

This song is fantastic. This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor, but you hear the hi-hat work? And it's that ostinato. You may think that, oh, it's repetitive, the drum beat. I say ostinato, the Italian concept of persistence.

That is a great musical technique. We just got canceled. But they just let me know. Have you heard the end of Aerosmith's What It Takes? Where he's like, let it go, let it go. That's ostinato. They cut that off for the single releases of this song. I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor, Jordan.

When I hold up my hand like this, you're gonna have to stop talking because otherwise you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now. We had a nice conversation going and then you brought up this song, Man in Motion, the theme song for St. Elmo's Fire, which is a bullshit song.

And then you- I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't slowly fade out the music. I don't me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't slowly fade out the music- I don't care what he's saying in the last- Don't slowly fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction

based on the contents of this conversation. Oh, you say a great- Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening? That's not a great song. Purposes of this conversation. A great song by definition has a great beginning.

How's your hearing? My hearing is perfect. Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. Or Google it, take as much time as you need. Tell me what he's saying. I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics to man in motion.

Use whatever resources you have at your disposal as an A-list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Hey, you think I'm an A-lister? Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Hey, you think I'm an A-lister? Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Listen, here we go. I can climb the highest mountain. I can climb the highest mountain. I can cross the wildest sea.

This is easy. This is kids play. Last chorus, it starts with, I could hear the music playing. There he just yelled. I think he dropped something. You missed the last chorus. Okay, stop, because I don't care. Tell me what the last lyric, stop. I'm not going to tell you.

My hard work, you're not gonna benefit after ridiculing me. You're not gonna benefit from my hard listening work. What I'm saying is also there are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal, short of contacting John Parr, by the way, who's a philanthropist, a British philanthropist, you will not be able to determine these lyrics.

Ice House is electric blue. He's a philanthropist, but he can't give his music away. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Look at that face. Oh man, you got served, owned. Jordan, you're a terrible person and our time away from each other has been a salve for my tattered soul. We're together again because the public demands it.

We have our own show and you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen to that piece of mid-80s crap. What's the power balance on this show if it is in fact ours? Well, let's take a look at the order of the names, the Conan and Jordan show, huh? The size of the font is also the names, the Conan and Jordan show, huh?

The size of the font is also- Yeah, big Conan and then sort of little scripted Jordan. I think you understand what the power balance is here. You're here because I allow you to be here. You live because I allow you to live. And maybe you're just someone that I imagined and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you,

you'll disappear. Fascinating. So let's talk. Man in Motion, I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time. What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program?

They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed, newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the internet. I think what people will take from this is a newfound hatred for you. If you ever had- They thought they hated you before, but now they're gonna go look- before it was if I cross paths with Jordan, I'll smash his face. Now it's gonna be, I've got to find out where that fucker is, and I need to take him out at the knees. That's what's gonna be next. If you ever have Eddie Vedder on your show,

I trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning of WMA. It should be the first thing out of my mouth. Okay. Okay, I promise it. I'll write it on my hand. Yeah. All right?

Swear to God. Go ahead. Usually it's how are you? Yeah. I like to try and ease into it. Small talk, yeah, I understand. That makes people feel comfortable. Are you comfortable? Yeah. I like to try and ease into it. Small talk, yeah, I understand. That makes people feel comfortable. Are you comfortable?

Yeah. That's all. That's my technique, but as a robot, you would know that. You have your own techniques. Jordan, this is what we have to do. We have to do a quick commercial. The sponsor now is Lady Crackers.

Oh yes. Why don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now and just make it up as you go. Lady Crackers, Los Angeles, olive oil, and sea salt. Now you're gonna often find lesser quality oils used in many products, things like soybean oil. These are industrial oils. Then you'll find seed oils, sunflower, safflower.

Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil because frankly most consumers don't understand what they're putting in their body. They shovel food in, they don't understand the quality of said food. Now you have a product that is using olive oil, one of the finest oils on Earth.

By the way, cultivated. Can I confirm, hold on, stop you for one second. Can I confirm, Frank, he had no idea what I was gonna hand him. No idea. This is not written? There's no copy? There's no copy?

This is absolutely, what are you doing? How are you able to do that? Well, the first thing I, I look for a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rapeseed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content.

Did you say grape seed? Rape seed. What? Don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful. That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils.

I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter, or ghee. Coconut oil is fine. Let's get back to, you know, the sponsor's gonna wanna hear their product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists. Yeah, Lady Crackers Los Angeles,

olive oil and sea salt premium. Very few ingredients Which is always a good thing taste one once you open it up and taste one. It's okay. I I could you please I Typically try to avoid. Yeah, it's okay. Please Please yeah, just open it when I open a box like this. I don't I like to keep these three tabs intact Okay, sometimes it's a challenge. I have to look I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically every day. I like a beautiful looking box to surround me. A box that I could picture you, especially if we're producing a program like this, ripping this thing open. I would

tear that, I would just tear it apart. Yeah, like a gorilla. But I like to open it delicately. Put it in your mouth, please. Yeah, stick it in your mouth. Right. Just have the cracker, please. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, well. What do you think? Not overly salted, that's a good thing. Sometimes they put too much salt on. Sometimes they put too much salt. Oh, 340 milligrams. That's a little high per serving.

I don't know how you define a serving size, one ounce. That's a sponsor, Jordan. So just try and be positive about it. Is that to say that it's a perfect product? Who am I to assess? This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch it and say it's not perfect. What I'm saying is, I see a lot of,

if you're looking for a cracker, if I were looking for a cracker, if I found myself, a lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives. They feel like they want a cracker. If I wanted a cracker, I would certainly go for Lady and Larder. That's a fine pitch.

I'm gonna do you one better. Lady and Larder, I want a cracker at night and I want one with a clean crunch. Hmm, that gives you that Lady and Larder crackle, the munch crunch that makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why I like Lady and Larder. Lady and Larder, tear that box open, rip them tabs, and slam that cracker down your puss.

And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue, get it outside your face, and lick them up. Keep that tongue outside your head. It's a good way to get those crumbs. Lady and Larder, now with more of the good stuff that you love. Get it now. What do you think? Good answer?

Well, you know, we have different approaches. Yeah. You talked in a very depressed way for a while and then said, seems like kind of a high sodium content. In the end, we both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons. You like the clean crunch. I like the lack of over-reliance on processed industrial oils.

It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch and I love it a bunch. See the way it rhymes? People love that in an ad. They're not gonna remember your sodium content quip, but they're gonna remember mine. They should. Do you have an idea for a jingle for this?

Do you wanna sing a little song about it? Yeah, the company asked us to sing a jingle. Can you please do the jingle? I'm not one to sing, but I could tell you, I wrote a jingle for Guinness Beer once. I entered a contest in 1996. Oh, let's hear it. And I believe I should have won.

So the contest, they may have this regularly. You had to write a limerick. You're familiar with the limerick? Oh, that's racist, but sure. Yeah, and I live at the Leprechaun. Okay. And I just ate a four leaf clover for lunch. A limerick is a written work

that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure. Okay, five lines, one, two, and five rhyme, and then three and four rhyme, okay? Guinness had a contest, come up with a limerick, and the winner will get, maybe it was a trip to Ireland or something like this. So in 1996, I sent in a limerick, which I have to believe would have run.

Do you remember it? I absolutely remember it. I can't wait to hear it. And the fact that it didn't win tells me that either they lost the mail or someone didn't, the right person didn't look at it. Right. What's the limerick?

Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness Beer. Across ire a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout. You know what? That's good. Yeah, that is good.

That's very good. I spent a long time on it. Oh, I hope you didn't spend too long on it, but. Well, I wanna know what was better than that. I'd like to know Guinness in 1996, what was a better limerick than that to promote your product? I got no acknowledgement.

There was an old man from Nantucket who wanted his young friend to suck it. He said, Guinness, I said, I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket. I just made that up. That's pretty good. And you know what? I spent no time on it.

Yeah. And it's got something dirty in it. So everyone's gonna remember it. Yeah, I feel mine is superior. Okay, but the point is, you're still bitter that you lost that Guinness. Yeah, yes. What was the prize?

I believe it was a trip to Ireland. I can't confirm. Some prize. I don't drink beer myself. My family fled that place. Let's get out of here. There's nothing to eat. You're referring to the potato famine?

No, my people fled in 1982. The line at Burger King was too long. We gotta get outta here. Let's get to Brookline Mass. They flew over on Aer Lingus. Aer Lingus, that'd be a funny alimric, also dirty. Hey listen, I thought you did a good job with the ad overall. Thanks, this ad?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you did a fine job. We're gonna take a little break. When we return, Jordan and I will have a deep philosophical discussion. Don't touch that dial. MUSIC All right, I'm gonna move on to the next segment.

Conan and Jordan discuss a philosophical question. Frank, why don't you tell us what you had in mind here. So we're gonna have a segment here called Conan and Jordan have a philosophical discussion. Okay. Jordan, if, and Conan, if time travel were possible, would it be ethical? Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality

to suit the emergence of new technology. I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology, unfortunately. A lot of times conflicts are justification to develop technology. You look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion. Originally fusion, and then later fission. Fusion, of course, you're taking to light elements and joining them. In fission, you're taking a heavy like a uranium or a plutonium and you're splitting it. Nevertheless, I can't think of situations where technology never advanced,

at least to my knowledge, because of ethics and morality. Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh wait, I'd need a time machine for that. I have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your day. Blammo! You just got blammoed. My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely, let's have that, let's go back in time.

I could clean up. Then you make a lot of money. Then you go back further in time, when land is really cheap, you go to Long Island, and you say, hey there, 1680 farmer, what do you want for these nine acres on the ocean? These nine acres, why I would wish to have six dollars. Six dollars, hey?

Here's 16 dollars. Well, thank you. Yep, that's what you would do. Would you go backwards or forwards? I'd go backwards. If you had one shot, you'd go backwards and what would you witness first? If you go backwards or forwards? I'd go backwards. If you had one shot, you'd go backwards. And what would you witness first? If you can only witness one-

I'd go to Ford's Theater and I'd say, hey Abe, behind ya! I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life. But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything and you can witness one event, so you could pick the time and place and you can go back, would that be it?

I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity. I would go back in time. You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back, would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity. I would go back in time. You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back? Because Lincoln, there's a mystery. I don't wanna have just one. I wanna see many things. No, if you had one, if you had one or two,

like would you go to like the Kennedy assassination to uncover the mystery? Or would you go to something where there's certainty? Or would you go back to the Jurassic period and look at a dinosaur? You know. I've seen Jurassic Park, and I think they probably got it right. Okay, so that doesn't interest you.

So I don't need to see that. So what would you, so would it be the Lincoln Sessions? And I wouldn't go to the Roman times because I saw Gladiator, and I think that's a good, I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's gonna look like that only a little dirtier,

like people's togas will be dirty. And I'll be like, ah, this sort of sucks. So I don't want to see that. So, nah, I don't want to see that stuff. I really just want to go to Ford's Cedar and go, hey Abe, heads up! Cause you know what, I'll tell you this, Abe Lincoln was 6'4", my height,

and a strong back woodsman. He would have turned around. Booth was a relatively small guy and an actor. I've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight. So he would just clean Booth's clock. That would be fun. Abe would just be wailing on Booth.

And then it would just turned into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today. And in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a closer to average occasion. I would have witnessed the ultimate beat down.

Abe Lincoln kicks the shit out of some little actor, takes his derringer away and kicks the shit out of him and then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play, our American cousins, starring Laura Keene, they all start kicking booth. You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer and you have the facts as well.

What you ridicule me for is really a reflection of yourself. Did you just say that I've had you inside me? You have me inside you now. Stop, don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again. I don't want you inside me. What you see and you detest and he lives inside you, that's why you detest it. Don't ever say that. It's like ferocity. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again. I don't want you inside me. What you see and you detest and me lives inside you. That's why you detest it.

Don't ever say that. It's like ferocity. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever, ever say I'm inside you again. I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. I've seen you at your best. I've seen you at your worst. We have an incredibly intimate relationship

that you don't acknowledge. We're certainly inside each other. If we're inside each other, then it is intimate. And that's hard to do too. Think of the geometry of that one. Ha ha ha ha. He mentioned where he would go if he could time travel. Jordan, where would you go?

Oh yeah, this is fascinating. This is a legitimate question. Yeah. You know, I've got, I'm assuming one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past, right? Cause future is like unwritten. Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years? Do you go a thousand years? I'm not gonna take away future, I'm just one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past, right? Because future is unwritten. Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years?

Do you go 1,000 years? I'm not gonna take away future, I'm just gonna say past. Oh, past. Yeah, well, I would wanna witness something. I probably, like you, wouldn't necessarily wanna solve any mystery as much as just witness something. I might go back and witness dinosaurs, if I could assure my own safety,

and you'd have to be in the right place at the right time. So you really have to educate yourself. Assure your safety, so we have to talk to the dinosaurs first and say, leave that guy alone over there? I don't wanna be killed by a dinosaur, I just wanna witness them. Well, it's gonna be a problem if you go back there, you have to take that into account.

Yes, I do have to take it into account. There's a good chance, I mean, if I, and I could see you being very irritating to a brontosaurus. I could see a brontosaurus being like, I just fucking hate that guy. It's a brontosaurus. It is not. Now you're just saying.

It's of course the Latin for lizard. You're just saying shit. It's not brontosaurus. Quetzalcoatlus. What? You familiar with Quetzalcoatlus, the flying dinosaur? There was like a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatlus, or they called it Quetzalcoatlus, the flying dinosaur. There was like a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatlus, or they called it Quetzalquadal.

But the actual scientific name is Quetzalquatlus. Quetzalquadal was a Mexican god, I believe. You know the 1980s? Just talk over me, that's fine. No, Quetzalquadal, if he was a Mexican god, he must have been named after Quetzalquatlus. Say how you pronounce Brontosaurus again. Brontosaurus.

Okay, you need to be hit, I'm not gonna say with steel rods, cause that's, but with a denser wood, like a wood, but it's a dense wood, like a mahogany. You need to be hit with mahogany. Okay. Because no one says that, even a Brontosaurus, if it just heard that, would put both of its giant paws

in front of its eyes and just be like, oh my God, what a dick. No, it's not. How do you say pterodactyl? Pterodactyl. Why do you say these things like Dracula? I'm just looking at the root of the word. I understand that these words have Latin roots and I look at the root of the word and I use

it properly. I'm not one of those people that says alum or haphazardly throws out the word alumni improperly. What do you say? Well if I'm talking about a man it's a alunus and if I'm talking about a man you got an alumnus a woman is an alumna right two men or a mixed group is like alumni and two women or multiple women is alumnae. And the word alum is not based in any reality. Conventional wisdom says now if you're using it

to express gender neutrality in a modern way, that's fine. But you have to know all the rules before you break them. That's what Air Supply said in Make and Love at in Nothing at All. I know all the rules. I know how to break them. Written by Jim Steinman, who of course was an author, famous songwriter.

He would act through his muses. He couldn't sing himself, Jim Steinman. So he got Meat Loaf, he got Celine Dion, he even got Air Supply, who I believe Max Weinberg played with Air Supply in 1986. Give me a favor, go back and visit the dinosaurs. That's my request. Go back and visit the dinosaurs

and just sort of stand around and see what happens, okay? And if you get stomped or crushed, that's just what happens. You're an alumnus of Harvard University, OK? No, I'm an alumnus of Harvard University. Are we going to say it correctly or not? I don't know what that was. Harvard University.

If you're going to say it, just say it. You know, you gave a great speech at Dartmouth College? Nope, I gave a great speech at Drathmouth College. And you may remember the success of your speech, but I remember some of the events that happened surrounding that. There were dinners. You came with me when I gave you.

Yes, there were dinners with alumni of that school who have gone on to achieve greatness, captains of industry, CEOs of major company who I hold on customer service with for 45 minutes were coming up and giving me their business card and all these people respected and revered you. They wanted to talk to you. They wanted to meet you because absent the ability to intimately know somebody, people use certain classic data to assess you as a person. They know what your education is.

They know some of the facts that, I know you on an intimate level. I know what they don't know. So while these captains of industry were coming up and respecting you and talking to you, and they had their tweed jackets, and you probably had some tweed jacket as well, because that's the role you play

when you go to an Ivy League school. Yeah, we're all playing characters. I also had a falcon on my shoulder. Yeah, so they're coming up and talking to you. I know the role you play when you go to an Ivy League school. Yeah, sure. We're all playing characters. I also had a falcon on my shoulder. Yeah. So they're coming up and talking to you. I know the real you. I know that you're an animal. I know that you're eating hot dogs, you're eating Big Macs in your spare time, and then you get all dressed up and cleaned up

and you talk intelligently to these academics. But I know the real you behind the curtain. That's all I'm saying. Well, if an animal is someone who eats fast food, then call me an animal and call most Americans an animal. I love the United States of America. I really do love this country. And for you to attack it that way, I think,

is not just scandalous, but treasonous. You're thinking in your head, as they're talking to you, you're thinking, yes, they respect me. Yes, I am respectable and sophisticated. And then you go home and you shove your face with your crackers or what your crackers of different seed oils

He lost it. You lost it. The wheels just came off the trolley. The wheels just came off the trolley. Look at him. He's spiraling. You're eating rits in your hotel room at Dartmouth after weeping in the corner in your tidy whiteys. AI, I just gave this speech. These people respected me. I'm an academic. I'm wearing this Tweed jacket.

I know you're an animal. You're whimpering in the corner eating Ritz. We're ending it here. You know what you've had? You've had a complete breakdown today. And I can tell always because you get a fiendish look on your eyes, your eyes arch up, you start to smile. That's my face.

That's the face I have. No, no, no, no, no. You're talking about my physical condition. You, and then you lost your mind. You started spiraling on the word cracker and you lost it. You flamed out. And now a bunch of men are rushing up to you and pouring foam over you so that you don't burn to death.

Jordan, this was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for anyone who's in your life. But I also love you. And when I say I love you, I'm lying. It's just not true.

Anyway, this has been episode two of the Conan and Jordan show. I think one of the most fascinating shows in the history of any medium. It's unrehearsed. We never know what we're gonna talk about. And we just play with this spinning top that is Jordan Schlansky.

Medium comes from the Latin medium, the singular media or media being the plural.