Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Move Motherf@#$er!

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Conan talks to Rianne in the city of Taguig about the struggles she faces in life as a vertically-challenged person. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Rhian. Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan. Hi, Rhian.

How are you? Oh, gosh. This is really happening. Hi, I'm great. How are the two of you? It was very nice to meet you, Rhian. Tell us, where are you right now? I'm in Taguig, Metro Manila, Philippines.

The Philippines, and how do you pronounce it again? Taguig? Yes, oh, you did pretty well, yeah. Taguig. Oh, just say I did very well. It sounded a little patronizing. Yeah, don't say pretty well. Next time say very well.

Okay. Rhian, it's nice to meet you and you're from Taguig, Philippines. And I've never been to the Philippines before. Maybe you could tell me a little bit about yourself. What do I need to know about Rhian? I'm 29, but I stand at four foot 10. So even for a Filipino, I am quite short.

So average height for women is about five two. I struggle a lot going through life as a vertically challenged person. Well, Rhian, I am also a vertically challenged person, but the other way. So there are problems. I'm a bit on the tall side and I'm always smashing into things.

People laugh at me. They play circus music when I walk through the room. So I do have some sympathy. Tell me, you struggle, what things do you struggle with being four feet 10? What do you struggle with? So there are a lot of just, the world isn't built for short people. I think you genuinely

have it better. So just going to the grocery is a challenge. I don't like going without my boyfriend because I don't like asking for help to reach the top shelves. Sometimes going to the theme park. Yeah. Can I ask you how tall is your boyfriend? He's 5'7". Might not seem tall to you, but he's taller than I am. To you, he's like the rock. Exactly. To me, once you hit 5'5", there is no difference between my boyfriend and Conan. You're all called to me. Yeah we're all just up there in the clouds. Exactly. So you don't like

going to the grocery store and you said you don't like going to theme parks? Yes. Always a tense moment finding out whether I can go on a ride or not. Driving is a challenge. I have to sit on a pillow to see over the dash. Wow. Certain cars I cannot. What about your feet? I mean, the pillow will get you high enough, but what about your feet? What do you do there to reach the pedals? Exactly. So there is a perfect ratio. I do not like other people driving my car because it moves the seat,

and then you got to find the ratio again. So that's a challenge. Yeah. Get mistaken for a child a lot. Your life, yeah. Oh, people think you're a child. They pat you on the head and things. Exactly. Especially when we're traveling in the States, I get carded a lot and they don't accept our driver's license, so I gotta grab my passport and whip it out. One time a TSA agent, we were going through, so I went through and then he was like, to my mom, minor's gotta be accompanied by adults.

And my mom was like, she's 22, she's not a minor. And the guy was genuine. You are not 22. So wow. Okay. So you've struggled with this. And are you, do you like to drive once, once you are driving or you and you've got the seat just right and you've got the pedals just right and you're comfortable. Are you a good driver?

I am a competent and law-abiding driver. I may have a bit of road rage when it's deserved. Okay, the way you said deserved was insane. You haven't driven in the Philippines. You would understand if you were here. Okay, can we act out your road rage? Cause I wanna see Rianne what it actually looks like. So I'm driving, you're driving, and then I'm in a car next to you. I'm driving a bright red Buick LaSaber.

And I suddenly cut you off in my bright red Buick LaSaber. Show me what you would do. Fuck. Move, motherfucker. I'm gonna cut you off in my bright red buccal saber. Show me what you would do. Fuck. Move, motherfucker. I'm just kidding. It's probably a lot more like... I swear in Tagalog.

Wait, do you always... Putang ng gagol. Do you always giggle... Fucking sikalain. Do you always giggle in between move and then motherfucker? Do you always go, move? Yeah, come here. Motherfucker? You're like the Joker with Tourette's.

So, say it to me again how you would do it in the Philippines. I just want to hear it the whole thing, the whole run. I just cut you off. Go! Putang inang gago yan. Fucking move, motherfucker. Yeah. Nice. Don't be apologetic. That's, I mean, let's get that out on a rap track.

You know? Move, motherfucker! Yeah! Yeah, that would be a hit, I think. I want her to say it, though, specifically, because you have a good, like, I could tell you get angry. I'm the same.

Come on, one more time, let's hear it. Just. Don't stop giggling. Just say move, mother. No, stop giggling. I need you to show me your true rage, Rhianne. You're not talking to Conan O'Brien on a Zoom from the Philippines.

This is real. Three, two, one, go! Move, motherfucker. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Move, motherfucker. I love the laughing afterwards. I keep thinking about how my mom's gonna listen to this. Oh, your mom isn't gonna hear this. Does your mom even know who I am? Oh, yeah. My parents love you.

You're their favorite late night host. My dad thinks you're hilarious. Oh, good. Well, they sound like lovely people. I think my mom likes you the best because you're the one that went to Harvard, she says. Ooh. Wow. She's an Asian mom. Always the best sign of who's funny.

Um... The funny one must have gone to an Ivy League school. Because that's where the funny people come from. So, your challenges in life, if I can sum up, Rhianne, are that you wish you were a little taller, right? Because you are, did you say four foot 10? Okay. And you have to rely on your towering boyfriend

who's five foot seven. You don't like going to the market and you don't like going to theme parks because they think you're a child. Yes. And then you have an insane road rage when you're driving through the Philippines. Is that right? Yeah.

What about concerts? Exactly. Yeah. So now you get me. I do. I never, I never like sit in the the or stay in the mosh pit section because I'll get crushed and I will not see anything. So I stay up in the stands where it's safe and I can see things.

Yeah. But also, you probably have a good view sometimes, but then someone else stands in front of you and blocks your view and you want to get mad at them. But then it turns out it's an 8 year old. Hahaha! Not an 8 year old! I'm sorry, I meant to say 9 year old. Hahaha!

Well, you seem like, I know that you have these challenges but you seem like you're having a good life. You seem like, I know that you have these challenges, but you seem like you're having a good life. You seem like a happy person. Yeah, pretty happy. I guess I've adapted to it. Like, you change your personality a little bit when you're tiny to keep up with all the other talls of the world. You call us the talls. That's what you call us. Mm-hmm, yeah.

That's nice. We're like the white walkers. The talls are coming. They can only be killed with blue ice. The Shorts have their own organization, and we refer to you as the TOL. Shorts versus the TOLs. Mm-hmm. Well, let me ask you something, Rhian.

If I were to come visit you, what kinds of things would we do together? Well, first, I think I'd need your help to run errands. I think if it's okay with you, I would like your help first to just generally send a message of unity with calls and shorts in general. Oh, you want me to go with you, run errands, right? Because I can use my height to assist you. Exactly.

But you also want me to be kind of an ambassador. Yes, exactly. Just to show people that short and tall people can coexist and help each other. Yes, yes. It's like that song, Ebony and Ivory. Exactly. Except there isn't one for tall people and short people.

And we need that. Yeah. So we'd write one of our own, yeah. Yeah, we'd write maybe a song about how tall people and short people should all live in harmony. Correct. And then after that... I don't think tall people and short people

are constantly at war. I don't think there's a big battle. The talls versus the shorts. I don't know if... Yeah, I don't know if that happens. But at concerts, like, you probably have stood in front of a shorter person. I love to do that. Conan! I love to sit in front of a shorter person,

wait till the really good part in the concert, stand and then put on an Abe Lincoln hat. What? Just to completely blog. I think it's funny. What a dick. Yeah. That's awful.

Yeah, I wear a t-shirt that says I'm a dick. Oh. Oh. ["I'm a Dick"] ["I'm a Dick"] Hey, Rhian, do you think that because of your size, you say it affects your personality. How does it affect your personality at work? Do you ever think you overcompensate at work? Maybe not overcompensate, just be a bit more assertive.

Because sometimes if I say something, maybe during a meeting, the reaction can be a little bit like, good job, kid. Great, great idea. Well, that's very, that's patronizing. Our new intern is just, yeah. And they like to, they always end up calling me RiRi. I never introduce myself as RiRi. It feels like a microaggression. Like, why are you diminutizing my name? Yes, your name is, I mean, if people call you RiRi, they should have your permission. You should be

telling them that's my name. People are calling you RiRi without your permission? Mm-hmm. I think it makes, it matches the visual more. In their mind. I don't like that. That has to be with your permission. And maybe if I'm with you, because I'm not just tall, but I'm also very strong.

Mm-hmm. Shh. And a good fighter. Mm-hmm. Quiet. Are you? Oh, okay. Okay.

She's surprised. Hey, cool it, RiRi. Cool it, RiRi. No, but what I'm saying is I would stick up for you. If I was with you, I would stand next to you and I would stick up with you, and no one would call you RiRi when I was standing next to you. Okay? No one would block your view. No one would be condescending.

And I would be your protector, your guardian angel. What do you think of that? I think that sounds perfect. And... would very much like for that to happen. Do you think, knowing what you know about me, that I'd be accepted in the Philippines? I think there's a lot of places you wouldn't fit.

Generally, stuff is built. So I was looking around my office the other day, genuinely thinking that whether would Conan fit into this? Would Conan fit into the elevator I just got in? I think… I'm sorry, I meant culturally accepted. Culturally. Not what I physically fit through the doorway.

Right, right. Here. Rian, are you living in Legoland? I mean, what's going on? No, no, no. Culturally, we're typically very welcoming. We're a super friendly population. But I think what might help you more is if you claim to be a little bit Filipino. You say you're 99% Irish, right? 100%. 100% Irish.

Okay. So you're saying I should... You think I should lie and say that I'm... I have some... I'm part Filipino. Is that what you're saying? Mm-hmm. Because Filipinos will claim anyone who just has like 1% Filipino DNA and immediately love you.

They'll go, kababayan! Which means like countryman. Okay. Well, I don't want to be guilty of cultural appropriation, but if I have your permission to lie and say that I'm 1% Filipino, then I think I have your permission, I can do it. Yeah. I mean, is it a lie or can we just not know definitively? It's a lie. It's an absolute lie. Yeah, such a lie.

No one looking at me thinks there's any- An iota of you. Iota of Philippines. Of anything that's not just a white Irish man. Okay, all right. Not even a tiny little drop of anything, not point like 2% of you, nothing. It's possible.

No, it's not possible at all. I could be Cuban, very- Okay. Okay. I'm Cuban. Very, it's possible. No, it's not possible at all. I could be Cuban, I'm very... Okay, I can tell. Tan up real nice. Tan up real nice. Rhian, this is a good education for me. I'm gonna tell you, here's what I'm gonna say. I think that you seem like a very funny person.

You have a good sense of humor. I like Rhian's personality a lot. I like Rhian too. I like you a lot. I think you're cool. Yeah, you seem really cool. And so I bet you're getting through life just fine, even if you're a little shorter than you'd like to be.

You know? I don't think that's getting in your way. Are you in your apartment right now? Cause there's a cat behind you. Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just know this here as well, yes. I'm at home and that's my cat. That's your cat. What's your cat's name? Cat. Cat. It's a type of small orange. Your name for your cat is Cat? Cat. Cat.

Cat. Cat. Okay. Very good. Yeah. Okay. And that's your sofa behind you, is that sofa? Conan, what? I'm sorry. Are you asking? I'm just, I don't know. I don't know what cat. Is that your sofa?

That's sofa behind you in your apartment. Is that yours? It's called fishing. I'm the fishing magician. Can you wear heels that are as high as you can possibly want them to be? And you're like, you know what, that's the thing that's cool is that you could wear

the highest, highest heels, like six, seven inch heels. Have you ever done that? Have you ever put on heels that make you six or seven inches taller? Not six or seven inches, maybe four inches, but they hurt. I know, but sometimes the things we have to do, you know, if you put on seven inch heels

and then you wore a Burger King crown, you'd be a very tall, tall drink of water. It has to be a Burger King crown though. What a crown. I'm sorry. I think my wheels are... Which they would give me because they think I'm a child. Yes. Unfortunately, that's true. Yeah.

Probably. Does that ever happen where you go and they give you kids toys and things because they think you're a kid? I get given the kids menu quite a bit in restaurants. Oh, really? Which is fine. Kids menus are fun. Yeah. Do you like chicken nuggets and french fries? Have they ever handed you- Macaroni and cheese. Have they Do you like chicken nuggets and french fries? Have they ever handed you- Macaroni and cheese.

Have they ever handed you crayons with your menu? Oh no, I don't think that's a thing here. Probably if it were, they would have. That's an American thing. They give the kids crayons. Do they do that with your kids? All the time. Yeah, it's cute.

Yeah. It's sweet. Yeah. Yeah. It's appropriate for those kids. Okay. Rhian, it's called editing and we're going to do some, but this is fantastic. We've got everything we need. I mean, it's really great. And I think you and I would have a good time if we went to the Philippines. What kind of errands would we run together? Going to the grocery store is one. Backing me up at work, probably. Helping me stand.

If I were going to, like, say, an improv show or a drag show where it's standing room only, maybe you could help muscle the crowd so I can see better. Or you say you're strong, just lift me on your shoulders so I can see better at the shows. Okay, that's all that all sounds like stuff I could do. Create a barrier around her. Some people can't stand. Yeah, I could create a barrier. There's a natural barrier that comes with my celebrity. People are like, Oh my god, it's Conan O'Brien and they tend to step back. I'm going to say in awe, which isn't true,

but I could help you. I'd help you. You want me to come all the way to the Philippines so you have a better view and an improv show. Correct. Sounds like a great use of your time. Wouldn't you agree? I'm not nothing else much, so I might as well do that.

You could be like her bodyguard, you know, and then walk around. And also, you add extra inches with your hair. Maybe you could pompadour it up a little bit too. I mean, just a lot of, I don't know, illusions. You mean me? You add inches to your height with your hair. I mean, maybe she can do her hair so that it's a little higher.

Rhian could do a Conan. Yeah. If you had my hairstyle, Rhian could do a Conan. If you had my hairstyle, you'd be six inches taller. No? You don't want my hair? Maybe. Yeah, maybe I should stick to my lane. It looks great on you. It looks great on you. Thank you. Love it.

Yeah, love it for me. Just not for any other human. And tell me just before we go about your boyfriend. What's his name? Carlo. Carlo and he's a good guy? Yeah, he's a lawyer, so that comes with a lot of perks. Okay, he's a good guy. He's a lawyer.

Well, I look forward, maybe I'll meet Carlo too. Is that possible? Yeah. He's also a big family. That's nice. We love to listen to the podcast together. Oh, good. You listen to the podcast together. Good. I don't want Carlo to be jealous or anything if I come to town. Sometimes- Oh, it's such a hard laugh. Why are you laughing at the very idea that Carla would be jealous of me?

No. I'm a threat. Who was laughing? No, who was laughing. I think I'm a real legitimate threat to any male. Why would you laugh at that, Rhianne? I was. Okay, forget it.

I'm decided no Philippines. You are a legitimate threat, yeah. Okay, okay. I I decided no Philippines. You are a legitimate threat. Okay, now you sound like- I was laughing at him. I was laughing at- Now you sound like a hostage. Yeah, you are. So scary. Well, Rhian, you're really funny and you seem really nice and cool, and I hope our paths cross.

But in the meantime, I want you to walk tall because your spirit, you have the spirit of a giant, and that should be enough, don't you think? It means a lot coming from a giant. Well, thank you very much, Rhian, and you take care. Thank you, and you guys take care too. Bye-bye. Love me too, meet you. Bye. Nice to meet you, take care too. Bye bye. Nice to meet you.

Bye bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leaw. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer Aaron Blarrick. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. You'll get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.