Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - The Debut Episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

On the debut episode of "The Conan and Jordan Show," the two argue about history, pronunciations, and their roles on this show before taking calls from fans including a surprise celebrity.  Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Hey, Conan here with some very exciting news. And I don't use that term lightly. Yes, I did. Anyway, I've been doing something on SiriusXM for a while called the Conan and Jordan Show and people have been enjoying it. So now we are bringing it to the Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast feed.

And it's just what it sounds like every month. You can listen as Jordan Schlansky and I explore our very strange relationship, get to know each other deeper than ever before. It's as horrifying as it sounds. So we're gonna play you one of those episodes right now, an episode of the Conan and Jordan show, and I hope you enjoy it.

There are eight of them. You can listen to all eight episodes of the Conan and Jordan show, whenever you want on the SiriusXM app, just search Conan. But I wanted you to get started right now and hear one if you enjoy whatever weird chemistry Jordan and I have. Ah, you can listen to that right now. And then keep listening if you want

because we think we're gonna be dropping more into our podcast feed as time goes on. So without further ado, I bring you the Conan and Jordan show. Eduardo, hit that music. ["Mean, Mean, Pride"] A modern day warrior, mean, mean, stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean, pride.

["Mean, Mean, Pride"] Okay, that's more than enough. We played that song, Jordan, because that is one of your favorite bands of all time, isn't it, Rush? It is. Yeah. Are we calling this the Conan and Jordan show? That's the official title?

Yeah. That's what you came up with? I didn't come up with it. I'm just saying it's descriptive. I mean, there's no doubt as to what the show is, but I just would have thought, this is news to me, I just would have thought that there would be a more clever title. But you can go with it,

clearly if that's what you've decided. You don't need a clever title. People know our chemistry. I don't disagree, I was just wondering what the thought process was. I don't disagree means I agree. Yes it does. So. I mean, one would argue that there's a subtle distinction. One would't disagree means I agree. Yes it does. So-

I mean, one would argue that there's a subtle distinction. One would argue means you're arguing. Right. So I'm just gonna, I speak Jordan. So let me just say that you agree that it's a great name, the Conan and Jordan show. Of course I have to get top billing because I am the star and you are the guy

who works for me in a very nebulous way. Okay. Doing God knows what and filling your pockets. But anyway, how did you enjoy your theme song? That was a great song. I'm surprised that you have the music rights to use it. One of the many things that you don't acknowledge that I've done was deal with music rights.

Is that what you did on the show? I asked you for years. Did you, you did stuff with music rights? You do realize that while it's a great song and it's great for this operation, I don't know what we're calling this radio show, it's limiting the distribution of said show. You're gonna wanna distribute the show in certain ways,

but you've got that rush theme song. Wait a minute, does this limit it in any way, Mr. Groose? No, we're good. We're good. You don't know what your future is. No, this is serious, this is serious radio. You have to leave your options open for future. Listen, Jordan, not with this show, I don't.

Okay, let me promise you. There's no way anyone's gonna say, how do I get this on vinyl? I must have a reproduction. They're not, they don't know, they're not going to want this. It's going to live on Sirius Radio where we're allowed to play any Rush song you want. What are the other ones you like? Well, Rush has many different periods.

What's the one that I used to try and sing? Limelight. That was track four. How does it go? Yeah. Living on a lighted stage approaches the interview. Living on a lighted stage, a fine sailor can't hold. My eyes are like a hoe. How'd I see my night a sign I'm a night, night a boat. Bum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum.

Was that kind of, is that a Geddy Lee, do you think? That is not what I expected this show to be. You singing in a falsetto tone was not how I anticipated this proceeding. That was an accurate Geddy Lee. That was an accurate Geddy Lee. It was not inaccurate. That means it was accurate. In a roundabout way. I argue that there is, once again...

Looking on the light stage. Isn't it something like that, right? That's his general register. Yeah, yeah. How pleasing to the ear. Look, for you Rush fans out there, no offense. But Jordan, I'm glad you're a big fan of theirs. And through my fame,

you actually got to know the band a little bit, didn't you? I did. Yes, I did. So maybe a thank you? Yeah, thank you. I've been able to benefit in certain ways from your own celebrity, which I feel is deserved. Because you have to remember that your celebrity is a product of the work of the many people

that are here in this very room and beyond. I don't see it that way. We have worked. I do not see it that way. While the finances don't necessarily reflect that, the truth of the matter is, this is not a one-man operation. This was a group effort.

Well, first of all, I'm not saying it was a one man operation. I'm just saying that once a millennia, a figure comes along, a Mozart, a Socrates, and they- Socrates. What'd you say? Socrates in the original ancient Greek pronunciation. Aristoteles.

What are you fucking talking about? No one knows how the ancient Greeks pronounce that. I know how it's pronounced. Oh. And now everyone listening knows how it's pronounced. Socrates? Socrates. Wait a minute, how do you know how the ancient Greeks spoke?

Ancient Greek influenced other languages. We can trace the lineage back by studying other ancient languages. Socrates, Aristoteles. This is no, I don't think you're right about any of this. First of all, congratulations on inventing a time machine. May I see it? Can I get inside your time machine?

You understand there are people that study the past. You don't need to travel back to the past. But we don't know how they pronounced. We don't know how they pronounce Socrates. You don't know how they pronounce Socrates. I know how they pronounce Socrates. You don't know how they pronounce Socrates. I've just said how they pronounce Socrates.

No, that's not true. No one can possibly know how they pronounce Socrates. I just said how they pronounce Socrates. That's not true. No one can possibly know how they pronounced it. There's no phonographic evidence. A photograph doesn't represent how something is pronounced anyway. I'm telling you, there are people... That was a little trick to see if you were paying attention. I mean, when I say phono, I'm talking about the audio. There are linguists. Not photo. Linguist comes from the Latin lingua, which about the audio. Not photo. There are linguists.

Linguist comes from the Latin lingua, which means the tongue, also in Italian. Hey, can I tell you something? I know where you're taking this. I know where you're taking this, which is oral sex, and I think it's disgusting. And no one wants to hear you go on and on about tongues and linguist and going down

and all that kind of, it's garbage. It's just garbage. That's not the way anyone should be pleasured. It's disgusting. It's not described in the Old Testament and I won't have it. So Socrates. Sorry. What was that?

I played Google, Google's pronunciation of soccer. Thank you, Eduardo. When it said soccer, that was an incorrect pronunciation. Wait, you're arguing with Google now? I'm not arguing with- Google is- I'm not arguing because I know my position. My position is at Socrates,

and that's as far as I'll go with it. But can I ask you something? Your interpretation does not change reality. You don't have a PhD in shit. Doctorate comes from the Latin docere, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docere, which means to teach, which in fact is what we're doing here

We are teaching you just say shit no and you say it with great authority, and then we're all supposed to say yeah Yeah, I guess so I don't say anything Your past and I realize you're some You're just some guy. You're just a guy. You're just a guy. I don't disagree. I'm a guy. Who knows how you say docare and docere and socrates and aristoteles. How do you say spaghetti? Spaghetti means little strings.

There's spago, which means a string. There's spaghetto, which is a little string. And then there's the plural spaghetti. Can I just point out to people, this is our first episode, but to people who listen to the Conan and Jordan show, when I'm not speaking and Jordan is, you should, if you don't have access to the audio,

just know that I'm holding my head. I'm just, my head is down and I'm holding it, and I'm sad, and I'm sad. That's just something for you to know as you're driving along listening to this. Well, Jordan, I have to say, you and I in the past, you can, people watch these on YouTube all the time and on our various sites.

They watch the adventures we've had, where you shoot off your mouth about your expertise on say where the Karate Kid sequel was shot, and then I prove you to be wrong. And you've been proven wrong about several things. Some of the things, maybe in Italy, you were incorrect about certain word usages. Oh, is that true? Yeah, you were.

You actually lectured me about how no one, I wanted to have a red wine with my pizza. Remember that? And you said, no one has red wine with their pizza. You're supposed to have a beer. And then I asked the waiter who served me in Naples, what do you have with your pizza? He said wine. And I saw a little part of you die.

No one is a euphemism. I did not mean no human being in Italy would ever drink red wine with pizza. I just meant it's generally consumed with beer. Well, what a coincidence that the one guy who did happened to be a waiter at the pizza restaurant. He worked in the food industry. Of course he may have different habits

than the average diner. He's an expert. I'm not responsible for his preferences. He's an expert in serving pizza. I'm only stating the facts as I have observed that such fact. I'm not an expert on this particular waiter's eating preferences. Nang, nang, I'm chewing my mic cord right now.

Nang, nang, nang, nang, nang, nang. Go on, what else was I incorrect about? You've got a list. No, I don't have a list of what you're- You're looking at a piece of paper, tapping it, you're looking down when you come up with a new subject. Go ahead, what's next on the list? You are Nixon in 74.

You are cornered, You know it's over. You're sweating. And you're babbling on television. I resign today, effective immediately. Don't hate your enemies. When you hate them, they win. No, I do not. I don't know this serious demographic,

but I do know this. They are not familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. Okay. Well, that's, I think, condescending because I always assume that- I am not even familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. I'm a 50 year old man. Oh, so you don't know about a president of the United States.

I know there was a president named Richard Nixon. Who lived pretty much in your lifetime. Yeah. Okay. You don't know anything about that guy. I know things was a president named Richard Nixon. Who lived pretty much in your lifetime. Yeah. Okay? You don't know anything about that guy. I know things about him. But you know that Socrates' name, 2,000, 3,000 years ago was the Socrates. And that's how people pronounce it. That has relevance today.

Go ahead, do some more impressions of historical figures from the middle of the century. What did Eisenhower say? December 7th 1941 a day that will live and infamy who was that? Truman that's Franklin Roosevelt you son of a bitch You know unbelievable, so you know socrates Yeah, but you don't know about who was president when Pearl Harbor was attacked. You have a particular interest in presidential history. Let's not pretend that your average listener

shares that interest with you. You're right. I should assume that they all share your interest, which is that Socrates, all of us have been saying it wrong all these times. I'm not gonna stand by as you mispronounce the names of incredible figures from ancient history. Hey Jordan, how annoying was it for Socrates?

He was probably walking around and people were like, Hey, Socrates, I got a question. He was like, It's Socrates. Take it easy, Socrates. I said it's Socrates. Man, you are one uptight philosopher. How do you say Plato? Please say it.

Plato. Oh, you say Play-Doh? Please say it. Plato. Oh, you fucking son of a bitch. So Goofy's dog is named Plato? I'm not familiar with Goofy's dog. That's not my specialty. I have a cursory knowledge of Disney. I didn't know... Wait, Goofy is a dog. I know. He had another dog? You know what's sick?

A dog has a dog for a pet. Don't you think that's disgusting? I think it's one of the sickest things about Disney. What dog keeps another dog as a pet? That's wrong. And you know what? I think it's terrible. And you know who would agree with me?

Socrates and Plato. They'd agree with me. Yeah, Pluto the dog. They never figured out why Goofy was able to speak and Pluto They'd agree with me. Yeah, Pluto the dog. They never figured out why Goofy was able to speak and Pluto wasn't. Excuse me, it's Goffy. Oh man, torpedo amidst ships. The explosion could be seen for miles. I hit you right where the torpedoes are stored.

Oh my God. God, you're sinking to the briny deep right now, your ship. So the torpedo exploded the other torpedoes? Yes. Okay. Well, they fired a torpedo. A compound explosion. I fired a torpedo and it managed to just hit where the munitions are stored.

Where the enemy's torpedo. It wouldn't hit its own torpedo storage room. No. It would hit the enemy's torpedo storage room. Please. We don't have time to gum up the first Conan and Jordan show. You should be- What is the command structure of the show? Is this, we don't have time to gum up the first Conan and Jordan show. You should be... What is the command structure of the show?

Is this, we just speak equally, or are you in the command position? What do you... Like, I don't understand the layout. I was not given any information. I was called into this room. I didn't know the name of the show. Can I say something?

Did I have any input? In 25 years, you've never told me what the fuck it is you do at my show, and now you're complaining that I'm not giving you adequate information? That's not my responsibility. But what could have been my responsibility is to decide a name for the show that might have a bit

of irony or cleverness to it. I mean, how long did it take you to come up with the Conan and Jordan shit? That name, did you even consider anything else? The producer of the show, Frank Smiley. That was it. There was no other considerations. Yeah, that's it.

It's just, listen, it's fine. No one needs. There was no other considerations. That was it. Yeah, that's it. It's just, listen, it's fine. No one needs it to be clever. I'm not saying it's not fine. I was just curious. Did you have an idea for... No, I am not having a, I don't have a problem with the name.

I was just curious how much thought is put into this operation. I feel like this is a low value operation for the company. You've got 24 hours to fill on this satellite channel, this serious radio channel. What do we get, like a half hour? What is the devoted... What is the percentage of resources

that's devoted to the show? Jordan, let me explain something to you. If you are here and you have a microphone in front of you, this is low value. That is the dictionary definition of low audio value How are you by the way? Are we going to make small talk now? I'm happy to make small talk. I'm fine. I'm trying to yes

I'm trying to we got into a bit of a Quirrel and that happens with us often. Would you agree? I mean it depends how you define coral. Let's call it a debate Okay, what why not just say yes? Call it a conversation for that matter. Okay. But why not just agree with me? I mean, you don't leave upset. You don't leave the experience upset. I'm guessing this is rewarding for you as a human interaction. You've upset me in the past.

I mean, we're two humans and we run the range of human emotion. Are you sure you're human? Because a computer doesn't know it's a computer. Do you know what I mean? That's not necessarily true, it's potentially true. What I'm saying is, everyone's afraid of AI and they talk about, oh my God, AI, AI, what are we gonna do? And I've been telling everyone,

I've been living with AI for 25 years. His name is Jordan Schlansky. Your intelligence, by the way, is artificial. You don't know about the things you're talking about. You really don't. And I know that you have some basic awareness, but you're always telling me what the Latin root is of something. You're always telling me. That's interesting. That's etymology. But is it accurate? Do you read books to get this information? Do you go online?

How do you get this information? Or do you just make it up? The venue by which I educate myself, I don't find particularly interesting. Yeah, it's probably a combination of books, what you know is the internet, human conversation, audio, audio material, clearly when learning about pronunciations, whether it's in the classical restored Latin or ecclesiastical Latin you need sometimes you want to hear the audio a books not gonna really convey it So you've heard tapes where they say Socrates. Yeah and plateau. Yeah, I can't tell you that it was a tape But it was an audio recording. Could you cite one of those? Luke Ranieri, he's a gentleman on YouTube. I think it's Rainier. He

Luke Ranieri, he's a gentleman on YouTube. I think it's Ranieri. He, his name is Italian in origin, so it would be Ranieri. Yeah, but then he moved to Jersey. He has a great YouTube channel where he talks about classical Latin versus ecclesiastical Latin. You might, if you're interested in these things, I may listen to former President Richard Nixon one day based on your impression, curiosity as to its accuracy. You might wanna hear ancient pronunciations of historical figures. Do you know how to pronounce Caesar?

I mean, don't you find it interesting? We use the word Caesar. I'm gonna guess, yes, I'm gonna guess that Caesar isn't the way we say it. I'm gonna guess when I say I'd like a Caesar salad or hey, Caesar just got stabbed by Brutus. I'm sorry, Brutus, what would you say? Brutus.

Oh, for Christ's sake. I'm gonna say that you, I'm gonna make up something that sounds, I'm gonna guess how you pronounce Caesar. It's gonna be off-putting and not true. Let's see, Chasar. Chasar is in fact the ecclesiastical pronunciation. Congratulations, you grew up in a religious settings

and that was how they would have pronounced. No one ever said Caesar. I went to- That was how they would have pronounced it. But of course the original classical Latin during his actual time was Caesar. All right, you're an idiot. I have to change the topic because I am getting upset

and I don't want to. But you keep saying ecclesiastical. And no one says Caesar instead of Caesar, nobody. In Italian, it's Cesare. So I say Cesare. Do you say I'll have a Caesar salad? No, I don't order that dish. That's an American dish and I don't,

if I'm gonna get a salad, I take it the European way. I don't. I hear you take it the European way. I don't, I hear you take it, I hear you take it the European way. You know why that's funny? Is it a reference to anal sex? Oh my God. Oh my God.

That's not what I meant at all. I mean, what else could it be? That's not what I meant at all. I said, I hear you take it the Italian way, meaning when you're ordering Italian food, you probably like it with an Italian pronunciation. I don't know why you went to anal sex and why you always seem to. I have no response.

I understand that you don't know why, but that's the sentence. I'm just writing down Conan wins another one. Conan wins another one. It's going very well. We're gonna take a little break. And when we come back, Jordan and I will be taking some phone calls. Hey, we're back.

I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We're gonna take some callers now. And these are people that have questions for you, Jordan. Okay. Okay. The first one is Danny. Danny, are you there? Yeah.

I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. I'm here with with my cohost, Jordan Schlansky. We're gonna take some callers now. And these are people that have questions for you, Jordan. Okay. Okay. The first one is Danny. Danny, are you there? Hi, yes, I am. Hey, Danny, you are here. This is Conan O'Brien and you're,

what part of Connecticut are you in, sir? Actually, I just moved back to my hometown in Massachusetts. So I'm calling you tonight from Massachusetts. Where in Massachusetts, sir? It calling you tonight from Massachusetts. Where in Massachusetts, sir? It's a small town in western Massachusetts called Peter Sam. Okay, I'm from Brookline, Mass. And I'm a fan of Tanglewood in Lee Lennox area.

That's Jordan, by the way, Danny. I can see you really perked up when he mentioned Tanglewood. Yeah, he's off putting. Danny, I'm just telling you that I'm somewhat familiar with, you know, Sturbridge, Worcester. And I'm somewhat familiar with Western Mass. Yeah, Tanglewood, you said, because that's where you can go and watch a guy wave a baton around in the air.

The mass pike. Uh-huh, yeah. Anyway, Danny. All the hot spots. Yeah, yeah, and this guy likes to go hang out by the highway. He likes to watch the toll booth people. He likes to watch the EZPass do its thing. Hey, Danny, you had a question for Jordan.

What's the question? I do. My question is, Jordan, have you used cannabis? No, I do not use cannabis. I find myself fulfilled by my own internal explorations. I don't need foreign objects or foreign stimulation in that respect. But that said, I have no judge, certainly no judgments against anyone that does use it. I do believe there are probably some benefits for me there, but I just have not explored it yet.

Well, Danny, stay on the line because I don't want to be alone with this guy. Danny, first of all, stay there. Jordan, do you think cannabis is the correct pronunciation? Yeah. Okay. So Danny says something and it's fine. If I said it, you'd be like, it's cannabis. Well, if he said Socrates, it wouldn't be fine. Danny, do you say Socrates or do you say Socrates? I would say Socrates. Thank you say Socrates? I would say Socrates.

Thank you, sir. You're a good man. Yeah, that's good. So now, Danny, why did you ask Jordan if he used cannabis? What was the origin of that question? Well, I've been a big fan for a long time of both of you. I've watched a lot of your videos on YouTube and podcasts and everything. And well, I've followed Jordan for a long time. And as somebody who got a lot of benefit

out of using cannabis, I thought maybe that's what he needs. Oh, this is interesting, Danny. Jordan, what do you think? Here's someone who has a good sense of who you are who's saying you might want to try some cannabis. I don't know that I need anything. Nevertheless, maybe there's some benefit for me. I have not tried it yet as I have not tried many substances. I certainly don't need cannabis to generate free thought.

I'm not a victim of limited thinking. No, no. I am a deep thinker. Okay, that's what deep thinkers say. They go around shouting. Of course that's what they say. That's what they say, because they're self-aware. That's what Socratic said. You know, I'm a deep thinker over here!

Danny, yeah, I think you can see, the biggest question I get is, is Jordan real? And I always tell them, I swear to God, he's real. He really is this guy. And sometimes I can sense that they don't believe me. Danny, do you believe now? I do. I believe that I was a little skeptical of myself,

but I see it. I haven't seen him in quite a while. We bring him in, we start talking, everything you're, I mean, unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable. You are real and the world needs to know. Kong exists. Kong exists and will be displayed. Danny, thank you very much.

I'm gonna move on to the next caller, but it was nice talking to you. Thank you, Danny. All right, let's move on to our next caller. Now our next caller is Esther from Los Angeles. Esther, are you there? Hi, sorry, that took a minute. I'm here.

Oh, hi Esther, how are you? Good, how are you? I'm good, this is Conan O'Brien and this is the Conan and Jordan show. This is the first episode and maybe the last because I wanna kill him right now. We've been in each other's throats for the better part of an hour.

But Esther, I understand that you had a question for Jordan. First, let me ask you, where are you in Los Angeles? I work in Santa Monica, but I live in Long Beach. Very nice. I'm from Nipomo, California. Beautiful. What do you do? I work at a private school here in Santa Monica. Very cool. Good for you.

I love Santa Monica. It's gorgeous down there. Esther, I understand you have a question. Are you familiar with Jordan Schlansky? I am. Okay. My apologies. Esther, do you have a question for Jordan? He's right here and he's an open book. Okay. My question for you, Jordan,

thank you again for taking my call. Were you scared of anything as a child? And if so, are you still? That's a great question. I love that question, Esther. Were you scared of anything as a child? And if so, are you still? I don't have any irrational fears that I can remember.

I would be scared of things that any human being would be scared of, the force of gravity, sharp objects. But if I were to think about a recurring nightmare, there's always been the loss of teeth, although I've never lost an adult tooth, and plane crashing. But I'm not afraid to be on a plane. I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crash. Wait, what's scary about that? You get to shoot it. It's certainly not a pleasant experience. You get to shoot it with your phone and then sell it to CNN. I have empathy for human beings and to know that human life was inevitably lost in the procedure, I find that scary.

Procedure? Yeah, the procedure of the plane crashing. Who calls a plane crash a procedure? I call it a procedure. Okay. The event. You'll make fun of like the Zeppelin tragedy from decades ago, but I understand that lies were lost. What are you talking about?

The Hindenburg tragedy. I don't make fun of that. I never have. I'm just saying, you do the radio broadcast. I do not. Why would that be funny? Yeah. That's my question.

You do the radio, play the tape. You do the radio of the guy in the 40s because you got that voice. It was actually the 30s. Yeah, okay. So do it. It was late Chris New Jersey. No, I don't. I would not. I don't find that funny at all.

Are you denying that you've done the voice? I totally deny it. I think it's terrible. I think it's terrible. I'm telling you. It's a terrible tragedy. You've done the voice. No, that Zeppelin made in,

well, I think Hitler's Germany crashed. Go ahead. And I think it's a terrible tragedy. Yeah. So, I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get back to Esther's question. She asked you, were you afraid of anything as a kid? Just before you start talking,

just close your eyes and think. Take me back to your- I do think, unless otherwise specified, I'm a deep thinker. Unless you hear otherwise, you can assume that anything I say, I've thought deeply about, okay? I'm not someone thater unless you hear otherwise you can assume that anything I say I've thought deeply about Okay, I'm not someone that just blurts things out. Do you understand? My mind is a factory

My mind is working at breakneck speed. I did consider I considered the question. I don't feel like I had any unusually prominent fears But I told you my nightmares, which was the best answer I can come up. Loss of teeth, I think means something. And while maybe, maybe look that up, Eduardo, uh, has access to what I refer. What I refer to as the internet. Yeah. Earlier you said what you refer to as the internet. Yes.

Freak. Um, loss of teeth means something. Uh, and. Eduardo's not going to tell us. It says, uh, it could mean from a major life change to lack of self-esteem, from the fear of getting older to money issues, from symbolizing rebirths, regretting something you've said.

So that's all that it could mean. What rings to me is lack of self-esteem. And I'm just gonna say, and this is just a stab, but people that constantly assert their knowledge and say things like I'm a deep thinker over and over and over again. Maybe you're worried that They are missing something. Maybe they're worried on some level. It's called overcompensation It's not I am and maybe I'm not

Terrific Esther. Yes. Are you still there? I can't believe you're a very patient teacher, I have to say. You're a saint for sitting through that. Do you think you got an adequate answer from Jordan, and don't be afraid to tell us the truth. I don't know if the word is adequate, but it's exactly what I expected, so I expect nothing less. Right, right.

You went up to a broken pinball machine and had the experience you thought you were going to have. Well, Esther, thank you very much. And a quick note from me, thank you for, I think what teachers do is so important and so amazing and you sound like a cool person. So thank you for all that you do. Thank you.

All right, take care, Esther. Thank you, Esther. You too. Yeah you for all that you do. Thank you. All right, take care Esther. Thank you Esther. You too. Yeah, Jordan says thank you too. She heard. Okay. All right, moving on, we have another caller. This gentleman is named Dan Gersky.

He's from Fallbrook, Montana. Dan Gersky, are you on the line? I'm here with Jordan Schlansky. Yeah, hi guys. Hey, Conan. Hey It's just Conan not Conan Hey, Dan, how are you? Doing well. Thanks Thanks. Do you have a

It's Gershki g you not GE Our SKI not why yeah, I got it G ER SKY you are g er Ask a lot. We are You did and I not I then do you understand that it's pronounced the same? So I know but you're correct. It's going is It's quite different. I know your producer was getting it wrong a lot. So I just wanted to clarify that okay, Dan

I've never said his name. I've never written it. I've never said it never even heard it Did he I don't know? I don't think you're a no. I think you're a different produce I think you were talking about a different producer. Okay, we established just now that Jordan probably feels inadequate and And he dreams a lot about losing his teeth and we realized that that means inadequacy. And that's why when they said that maybe a producer made a mistake, he thought we were talking about him, even though no one said you, Jordan. There are two of us here.

One of us is a producer. No, Frank Smiley is here, producer. You know, so no. That was my mistake. I apologize, Mr. Gershky. Okay, anyway, you're calling from Montana and do you have a question for Jordan Schlansky? Yeah, I'm not even sure this is the right outlet

for my question. I mean, I'm a first time caller on this show and a first time listener. I haven't listened to it before. Well, this is the first episode we've done of the show, the Conan and Jordan show. So we've never done one before. And quite frankly, I'm not sure we'll ever do another one.

I'm seconds from bashing his face in with a mallet. Yeah. But do you have a question? What's that? Yeah, my question is, again, I don't know if this is the right outlet. I live in Fallbrook, Montana, about 123 miles outside of Missoula.

Oh, okay. And yeah, population of 20, I think 29,000, small town. But I have an opportunity to work in Ramparts Garage and Towing. It's like one of the two garages we have in our town. You know, it's reputable. And they asked if I have any electric car or just newer car experience. And they're all computerized now. And I have some knowledge, but mostly I work with the older cars.

I have ratchet wrenches and stuff. But I mean, I don't even know. I guess my question is, how long can I fool them without my knowledge? I mean, I have a stable. You're being asked, I don't even know. I guess my question is, how long can I fool them without my knowledge? I mean, I have a stable- Oh, I see. You're being asked, I see. Modern cars, of course,

have very complex electronic systems, and you're an old school guy, Dan. You've got the socket wrenches, the ball peen hammers. You've got all the tools that people could use to work on cars in the 50s and 60s, maybe even into the 70s, but then it gets tricky. So the question's- Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know,

I don't know if, like, is the air pressure in the tires the same with like a computerized vehicle or do they fill themselves with it? I don't wanna like start pumping air into a tire. Do you wanna take care of this? Oh, like a 35 PSI pounds per square inch, but I'll tell you this, I have- Oh, thanks for saying that PSI is pounds per square inch.

I don't assume that everyone knows these abbreviations. I think people overuse abbreviations and acronyms. Do you know what laser stands for? Do you know what Raider stands for? Dan, do you know what those things stand for? Guys, I'm just trying to call to get a, hang on a minute. Okay, oh, I see. Dan, you're under the gun.

I understand. You've got a car you're working on. I don't know about the PSI stuff. I'm not measuring inches and the weight of the oxygen and per square. Yeah. But I'm just kind of curious about, is there something I can do in a garage?

Is there something that he can do in a garage with his limited knowledge? With my tools. With his tools. With my tools that I have, because I don't want to be jerking this guy around on this chain and not kind of know how to you don't say this guy on his chain You just say jerk in his chain, Dan Not not here in Fallbrook. Oh

No, no, it's all different here Wait in Fallbrook you say jerking a guy around on his chain. That's one of the things we say around here I bet it is for sure. You you never been been to fall broke. I'll tell you I have not I've been to Missoula I've been to Missoula Missoula is another Animal of a different kind you're parking up the wrong dog there. Okay Well, Dan, I guess what you're asking and Jordan is if you're not familiar, I mean, maybe Jordan, do you think he should be working with?

Here's my answer for Dan. All right, listen, I respect tradesmen more than most people would realize. I think that some tradesmen are masters of their craft. I had a Mazda RX-7 in the 90s and it had a hole in the muffler. I need to look, Jason, I appreciate, you know, the knowledge that you say you have, but I just need an answer. I mean, it's just- Well, it takes knowledge to give the answer.

And there's a reasoning behind the answer that I like. Can you hang on one second? I know I'm dead. Okay. Jordan, can I say something? Jordan, he's calling in and you are the host of a show. Guys, guys, you worked out your problems. Iron out your problems.

I don't know if I'm, I really don't have time. Just yes or no. Can I use my Stanley ratchet wrench? Can I fool somebody like that? I don't know that you'd be fooling anybody by using a Stanley ratchet wrench. I'm gonna assume that's an American imperial measure and not a metric measure.

And nevertheless, you'll probably be working on both foreign and domestic cars. Yeah, I think you can get to work there with your ratchet wrench. And if there are electronics or modern computer technology to be learned, I think it'll be learned on the job. I would support this venture. Would you write that down for me?

I did. I've got it recorded. I've got the whole thing. Hey, Dan, let me ask you, did you feel like Jordan was kind of, I don't know what the terminology you'd use. I'll tell you what I'd use. I'd tell you that I felt like he was impatient with me and I know it all.

Yeah, thank you. And I know it all. He said know it all and he's impatient. The way he talked to you, first of all, he says, I have great respect for tradesmen. And then he lectures you in a rude way, which I thought was insulting. Totally down on that.

Totally down on that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I could call in, and I could call any podcast. Well, there are not one of this quality. I mean, this is, and this isn't a podcast actually. Well, I'm not talking about. We're on serious, this is serious radio.

So this is not some podcast. You're talking to, you know, millions of people right now listening in cars, driving, and this is a big deal. So the people you're talking to right now care about cars and respect your work, Dan, not like Jordan here, who, I'm sorry, I think just talked down to you. I didn't interpret the interaction that way at all.

I only wanted to compliment him. Well, I say, yes, I think you can probably fuck around with that wrench, walk around, say some bibble babble and probably get them out the door and get your money. And then later on, if something goes wrong, say, well, looked okay when I saw it. You know what I mean? See, I understand, you know, I understand Jason's sarcasm,

but yours is just totally unappreciated. What? I was not being sarcastic. Play yours is just totally unappreciated. What? I was not being sarcastic, sir. Play it back, play it back, play it back. Is there a way to play that? No, I don't think- Not in real time, it's live.

Eduardo, did you think I was being- Not at all. We know this is a bit. What are you talking about? This guy's in Los Filas right now. Who do you think- You understand that. This is clearly a bit.

Is this Dana Carvey gonna walk in here right now with like, it's Dana Carvey on the phone. Does that sound like Dana Carvey to you? The man is a master at impressions. I'm telling you, you can't easily realize what kind of comedy professional you are. You don't realize this is clearly a bit. Oh yeah, like, yeah, okay. Guys, guys, please.

You know what, Dana Carvey's most famous impression is Dan Gershky. Do you understand now that you work in radio, you're gonna get callers that do bits. You understand you're getting trollky. Do you understand now that you work in radio, you're gonna get callers that do bits. You understand you're getting trolled. Do you not realize that? You're coming from the world of television where you're incredibly protected.

Now you're exposed. You're being trolled right now and you're answering this man sincerely with earnest. No, I believe this man. I believe this man exists. Dan Gershky from Fulbrook. Ask me, ask me. Is it SKI or SKY?

Okay, is it Polish-Russian? Was the territory part of Russia or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics? Or was it part of Poland? Where's your family from, Gursky? Jesus! This is clearly- This is how you talk to people? How are you being so gullible?

This is a terrible show! We're supposed to welcome our listeners! Gersky respects me, whatever his real name may be. He respects me because I'm talking to him now like an equal. He's looking at you, laughing at you. You're so gullible, you're answering earnestly about the toolset he should bring to work in Billings, Montana. Dan, do you feel respected when Jordan screamed at you? Are you near Interstate 80, Gersky, in Montana? How far are you from 80?

You're about 123 miles west of Missoula, did you say? Or was it east? What? What? What? You going to give me a chance to talk, or are you just babbling on with your Mr. Know-It-All big word?

I'm asking you the questions, Gersky. Tell me the answer to the question. First of all, call him Dan. I'm asking you the questions Gursky. Tell me the answer Call him Dan. I took I made an effort to learn his last name He clearly is it was important to him. Of course, I'm gonna address him by his last name Well, that's no I or SK why cuz our producer probably got that wrong, too You tell me what I actually Using your area of Montana? Excuse me, Dan, the Greeks call it Bozo.

Kablui. Dan. Welcome to radio. Welcome to radio. Look at his eyes. It's been 25 long years in luxurious television, and now look at you here. You've got Gersky on the line trolling you

Innocent I'll answer your question, Dan. I'll answer your sincere question Welcome to radio friend. Well, I You know what that sound is Go ahead Gersky. What do you got? You know what that sound is you're hearing I heard the question. What's the answer? The answer is how do you spell my name? How do you spell my name? Are we still treating this like a sincere question?

What's the bit here guys? Answer the man's question. I'm gonna say- I wanna make sure you're listening to the question and you're not just running around in circles with your fancy two bit words. You sound like, I'm gonna say you sound like what we would call a Gentile. So I'm gonna say you sound like what we would call a Gentile.

So I'm gonna say you're S-K-I, and I'm gonna say that you're G-U-R because you just sound like a you kinda guy. Not an you kinda guy. Hey Conan, Conan. Yeah. Conan. Yeah. This dude, he'd get canceled right away.

I know. He'd call me a Gentile. I know. He'd get canceled right away. You're calling, you're yelling at him, hey Gursky, hey Gursky, what are you, a Gentile? I mean, that's no way to do the inaugural episode. Guys, I'm gonna ask you the question one more time. Yes, sir. Can I get away with using my Stanley ratchet set?

Yes, I told you. At reference garage and towing. That's all I wanted to know. I didn't want this little, you know, bratty girl fight around you guys and just, you know what I'm saying? Well, Dan, I think it's time for people to know. I hope you're okay with this. This is not Dan.

You know what? Dan, go. You know, Dan, you're a real prick sometimes. You know that about yourself, don't you? You talking to me or the last caller? I don't even know anymore, Dan. Dan Gershky's actually, he's a... Yeah, what's the reveal?

That's me, Dan Gershky. What are you talking about? Not ESRK, not IY. Dan Gershky, what are you talking about? Not E-S-R-K, not I-Y. Dan Gershky happens to be a good friend and one of the funniest people I know, Kevin Nealon. Okay. Okay, Kevin. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? I'm sorry, Dan, I was just doing a little bit here. I thought- Jesus, why don't you guys stop with this foolishness? I'm embarrassed Conan to even say this is Kevin Nealon. I'll never get this time back in my life. How are you, Kevin? You doing okay? I was.

Well, thank you for calling in. When are you and I going to go out? You know that place you love to go where I always buy you the hash browns? When are we going to do that again? Hello? Hello? Anyone there? If I ever get off of this call, maybe we could do that.

Okay. Sorry. It's a busy man. All right. Well, Jordan, can you say a goodbye to Kevin Neuwen? Goodbye, Kevin. Thanks for joining us. You know what?

There's a little red thing down here that says leave, and then there's another one that says never come back again. You know which one I'm gonna hit? You know which one I'm gonna hit? I have a feeling I know which one you're gonna hit. That's right. I love you, Kevin. Look me in the eye.

Thanks for nothing. All right, bye. Bye. That was a fun little excursion. Well, you guys pulled out all the stops. I am honored. You recruited a celebrity. I'm flattered. He's one of my favorite funny people of all time

and hilarious. I agree. I'll say sincerely about Kevin Nealon. He's a guy, he's a dry guy, which is exactly the type of humor that I love. Yes, he's very good. He's sharp, he's funny. You know what?

I'm gonna end this episode here because I'm gonna say something. You and I, we fought nonstop. We bickered, we disagreed, we shouted at each other. I was angry at you, I think at times, to be honest, you were kind of irritated and angry with me. But then at the end, we agreed that Kevin Eiland has a really, is one of the great dry wits of all time.

And I think it's nice to end on a point of agreement. So this was, wasn't this nice? Yes. Jeez, what do you think? Should we, I think we should wrap up the first ever Conan and Jordan show. This was a lot of fun. The music, hit the music.

If you have to, yeah. Same closing theme as opening or did you go with something else? Let's hear. No, same thing. Same thing. Same thing? There it is.

Listen to this. 16th notes on the hi-hat, just with one hand, right hand. I bet you're good with one hand. And then you got some hi-hat chokes. Right there. And another one here. Right there. I can't hear them if you're doing it. Well,. Right there. And another one here. I can't hear them if you're doing it.

Well, I'm enhancing. No, no. Let me just hear it without you going... I'm telling you, deconstructing. I don't hear them. Show me where they are. Now you want me to do it again? Yeah. Forget about the hi-hat jokes.

Just listen to the driving... I'm not listening to the jokes! This is like a powerful, unapologetic song. Well, I think there should be some apologies. This is recorded at Lay Studio outside of... in Quebec, Canada, outside of Montreal, of course. In the wilderness. That's great. 1981.

Track one of seven. Goodbye, everybody. I'm gonna go outside. Much like Rush went outside at Lay's studio to record the opening of Witch Hunt. Alright, I'm out. Bye, this was the Conan and Jordan show. Over and out.