Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 1. Starting off

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Chris discusses what it means to “be very LA”, the friendship between Kiefer Sutherland and Dennis Haysbert, and texting with his British friend, actor David Fynn. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply Hi guys, welcome back you know this is the this is the called okay i'm chris d'alia i gotta do it like this i'm chris d'alia and this is congratulations the podcast um that's not the title though congratulations the podcast it's just congratulations and i'm chris to the your host but you know uh it's actually weird to say that you're a host when it's just you but it's going to be just me and so it's just kind of my show anyway uh hi welcome this is the second episode i think unless

this might be the first episode because i did record an episode already and it was very short but i don't know if i was even going to post it up yet i didn't post it up yet so i didn't post this one up yet obviously so who knows what episode this is but my point is this is one of the early episodes and you're listening to congratulations um so yeah hi and also uh uh this is uh this is new to me too uh and this is a uh, this is new to me too. Uh, and this is a podcast about, I called it congratulations. I'm calling it congratulations because I feel like, um, I don't know. Everyone needs a congratulations from now for now, uh, every now and then. And you know what, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way, I feel like congratulations is good. Like if you're having

a baby, Oh, great. Congratulations. Congratulations for just being you and sticking to that and not fucking up and then also sometimes congratulations because you're a fucking asshole and you're and you don't know it but but to me you know if you got on like some kind of bullshit pants or if you got you know if you're in line and you're like dilly dallying instead of like, fuck you, congratulations. You know, you, you fucking did it. You're, you're a big fucking asshole. Anyway, uh, that's enough explaining. I don't want to explain.

I don't want to explain things. Here's the thing about this podcast. I don't want to explain things. And I also don't want it. I don't want you to know too much about me, which is horrible for podcasts. Um, but I'm doing it because I want to reach more people and I want you to know too much about me, which is horrible for podcasts. Um, but I'm doing it because I want to reach more people and I want people to, I want people to understand me in a way, but not, not too much. Um, so yeah, so I was, uh, I was in, uh, I was in Omaha this week

and, uh, I went to Omaha and I thought, here's the thing, I put out a Twitter poll saying I wanted to run my hour because I'm about to shoot my new special soon and I wanted to run my hour just to get the reps in and figure it out. So I asked my agent, you know, set up a place and he said, okay, I got an offer for Sacramento and I also have an offer for Omaha.

Which one do you want to do? And I thought for sure, because I've been to Sacramento before, I thought that people would be excited if I was going to go to Sacramento because I've been there already. And when you see a live show, you watch standup on TV, it's not as good as seeing it live. It's just not, no matter what stand-up you're going to see. But when I went to go, I've been to Sacramento a bunch. So I was like, let me put it out on Twitter. I did a Twitter poll, which I don't normally do those Twitter polls. But I was like, which one should I go to, Sacramento?

Or you can vote for Omaha. And I was like, Sacramento is going to win. I'm just going to be able to do this short flight and just get to Sacramento. It'll be really easy. omaha won so much hands down and i feel like it's because i felt like it was because they have nothing to do there but then i thought about how nobody has anything to do in sacramento either nobody really has anything to do except for in los angeles chicago new york austin you know there are some other spots like denver thinks it's like that but it's not you know what i mean they just have the rockies i i like here's a i'm going off on on this

because denver i i love i love performing in denver but denver acts there are some certain there are some cities that act like when you get there as a guest that they're lucky that that you're lucky to be there and that shit fucking pisses me off and denver's like that denver you get there and they think because they got they did the weed thing first and their air is really fucking nice and they have mountains that you're lucky to be there and i and i and i'm not i'm not saying i'm not lucky to be there but i mean because it's a great place but don't act like you don't act like the rockies have been around since fucking 1940 do you know what i mean they were an expansion team in the 90s and don't act like when i go to a fucking rockies game which i which i'm not doing i'm not i'm not doing that i don't go to sporting events because i don't like to be around a lot of people like that and number two

i don't give a fuck about anything really that much but don't don't when i get there don't act like you you know that your shit doesn't stink. I don't care. It's great. Your place is great. Austin, it's fucking great. But when I get there and you're like, you got to go to some of these places and just hear these musicians in these small bars, I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to get the CD. But also, I'm not going to get the CD. So I don't give a fuck doubly. Um, which leads me to another actual problem, which was another reason why I'm doing this podcast, which will never, I'm getting really convoluted here, but already, which is this fifth minute, but I'll get back to the Twitter poll in Omaha, but I don't, I don't want to do, I don't, when I go to do... When I go to... What am I trying to say here?

Okay. This is one of the reasons why I want this podcast. Okay. One time... Fuck. This is so hard to explain. One time when I was at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I had this Coffee Bean. I used to run this fucking block in studio city when i

lived there dude there was a coffee bean and tea leaf a 76 station there was a fucking uh salad place it's not there anymore there was a bagel shop it was not there anymore i mean i fucking ran this block dude it was five stores and it was in studio city there was a sushi place and the sushi place is still there but i fucking was there i was there dude i was at this coffee bean every day and i ran this fucking block dude i was like i was like the tony soprano of this fucking of these five store like little this block area there was a 76 station it's not there anymore now it's a wells fargo the coffee bean is still there but it's terrible now it's like it's got more traffic than the it's like you get there and you're like where's the protest like you feel like what are they protesting that's that's what it's like there's

so many fucking people there and then the the bagel place is now a five guys which you know i love five guys but when i go to a car i'm not going to eat five guys at like noon you know, I love five guys, but when I go to a call, I'm not going to eat five guys at like noon, you know, cause I'm not a piece of shit. And then, um, there is a, um, there was a salad place, which was awesome, dude. It had the best Cobb salad ever. And they shut it down, dude. They shut it down. And now there's a fantastic Sam's and the sushi place is still there, which is pretty good. And the coffee bean where it's like you know they're doing a march every day it sucks and then and then the 76 is a wells fargo now so i don't run that block anymore i don't even live there anymore but i was there every day dude and i would i ran into this guy you know when you're at the coffee shop it was a little bit

like friends like it was just it wasn't as cozy and cool as the central perk the coffee shop that they had there but um It was a coffee bean and tea leaf, but you would go there and you would see the same guy No, i'm I keep to myself. I don't like You know, but occasionally I like weirdos like my friends are always making fun of me because I hate because they're like your friends are so fucking weird And some of them are so fucking boring, but then I say to them Well, who the fuck do you think you are?

You're my friend as well. I love weird weirdos. Like I have a really tall, lanky fucking string bean Italian friend. And he's fucking hilarious. And my other friends are like, he's such a fucking, you know, he's so Italian. Like, how do you like identify with him? But I'm like, I don't want somebody I can identify with. I want some fucking asshole that I can like joke around with and make fun of and have him make

fun of me back anyway so i met this guy there that was a stuntman and i guess he was a stuntman i don't even know really he looked like a stuntman to be honest he had like he was really stocky and fit and he had thick eyebrows and uh and he had a high high pitch voice and he was a stuntman i think but anyway he would he would read these books now if you're a i read books i read some books i do uh i read certain authors that i like and like journalism and shit i don't read like you know i mean i read that fucking what was that tom hanks movie they made if a book is huge um not angels and demons but the other one the da Vinci code i read that and that was good you know for like a fucking quick like crazy read on an airplane but uh this guy would read books he'd come to the coffee shop every day and read books and uh there were books

i don't give a fuck about at all and but we would talk and we would you know get to know each other and uh we'd talk about stunts i think he did i don't even remember i think he was a stump if he wasn't a stuntman he's a stuntman now i don't give a fuck like that's just what he is to the story and uh occasionally a girl would walk in and he'd be like wow that girl's really hot huh and i'd be like yeah cool you know whatever whatever the fuck you know regular guy banter locker room talk but not the fucking trump kind so uh so one day he says to me and i this is like years we would see each other. Like year, I'm telling you, I ran the block. Dude, I ran the block so hard once, I swear to God, this isn't even a joke.

James Gandolfini came in once to the coffee bean and there was like tension. And I'm not even fucking around. I mean, I'm joking about how the tension was there, but he came in once and I was there already. And when he walked in, because I made tony soprano reference i was like oh dude how fucking cool is it that tony soprano is here but i run this block but he he he didn't know it but like i imagined he knew it so so he got in and he didn't even sit down he got his coffee and he walked out tony or uh james gandolfini so disrespectful by the way to call him tony soprano like he's not a real person but uh one of the best shows ever great actor anyway rest in peace right that's what people say but so sad he went too soon but anyway so this guy's reading a fucking book and and he says you know you really got to read

this book to me he says you really got to read this book to me. He says, you really got to read this book. And I say, look, I know this guy for years now. I said, what's the book? And he says, it's a book on religion and about how, and I tuned out, done. Not only with the fucking book and this talk, done. Done with this guy. Dude. And you might be like, well like well that's a little harsh but it's not dude i've known this guy for two years this guy knows me this guy knows me better than a lot of my friends this guy knows me better than some of my family members not immediate family but like i have a cousin butch you know and like for him to be like i don't know you enough after

these two years we spent every single day together that you wouldn't literally use pages of this book to wipe your asshole after you took a shit i don't know you well enough to where if there was no if there was if there was toilet paper in the bathroom and it was too far and this book was close enough you might actually use pages of this book to wipe your ass after you took a shit but i'm going to take this book and i'm going to fucking recommend it to you even though i know you and you're not going to not only read this book but if you did because here's the other thing is like, well, maybe he wants you to learn a little bit about, and it's okay.

Cause you're fine. But then he doesn't know me well enough to know that if I read that book, I wouldn't fucking hate that book. That's so fucking disrespectful to, to, to know somebody and be like, Hey, dude, if I fucking all of a sudden say, if i all of a sudden say to my friend dude you got to read this book about how they make planes and my buddy is like this guy who doesn't ever give a fuck about planes and doesn't like planes then i'm an asshole i'm a complete piece of shit so so that was it. I didn't read the book.

And then I was like, oh, that was kind of honestly, that was how the block fell in my head, in my mind. That was how I fucking was like, dude, this is changing. And then since then, the 76 station became the Wells Fargo, the bagel place became the Five Guys, and the salad place went out of business. And I'm not fucking around. And I'm not saying that that's why, but I'm just saying it's a little bit fucking as Tony Soprano would say ironical um so yeah so so I don't even know how the fuck I got but that's how this is going to be though I don't even give it I don't know how I got I'll get back to the Twitter poll but that's how this is going to be I don't know I went off on a tangent i have no idea how to get back but i'm not sorry about it and and so so i put out this twitter poll um and uh i said

look you know i'm gonna go to sacramento or i'm gonna go to omaha and uh and they were like and i was like whichever gets the most votes i'll go go. And they were like, okay. And Omaha just won hands down. So now I'm like, fuck, I got to go to Omaha. I got to take this long flight, which wasn't that long, actually. I thought it was going to be like four hours. It was like two and a half. So I got to go to Omaha and I got to be like, there's nothing to do here. And it's so cold.

But that's what Sacramento is like. There's nothing to do there. At least it wasn't in the summertime in sacramento honestly i went to fucking sacramento in like august once and i swear to god i swear to god it was so hot that when i went dude you it was it's the kind of hot where like you would leave to go to starbucks and you'd come back and then you go to put you'd like put your like because you're wearing like a short sleeve shirt or a tank top because you're in sacramento and you'd you'd wear you'd lean up against the um seat belt and it would be scorching lava and you you were you so hot were you like the belt would get so hot that you literally don't even know what's happening

you're not like you know there's the kind of hot where you're like where it's like so hot where you're like oh shit that's hot but then there's the kind of hot where you're like oh i'm getting abducted right now like what's happening that's the kind of fucking hot that seatbelt gets in sacramento and it was so hot i used to do this joke on stage when i was in sacramento which i'm remembering now about how it was so hot that when i would go to star which i'm remembering now about how it was so hot that when i would go to starbucks i would come back and it was like a fucking sauna like there was i would look in the back seat and there would be an asian guy with a towel on like an old asian guy be like why and he'd be like why are you in my sauna that's so stupid but um but yeah but but

and you know and then one guy was like tweeted me afterwards he's like that's racist and i'm like nah old asian dudes love fucking saunas you know that's just kind of how it is almost as much as like white chicks um so uh so yeah so i put out this poll and then fucking omaha won hands down and i'm like i gotta go to omaha and so i fucking got to omaha and it was it was it was uh my travel agent was like i got you in the the best kind of version of the hotel that they have and i stayed at this fucking hotel and it was good it had a gym which the heat was on because they were like oh it's so cold we got to put the heat on and the heat was on the gym is so fucking that was a sauna but anyway it was beautiful there it was beautiful and i don't mean like it wasn't yosemite don't get me wrong it wasn't that kind of beautiful but it

was it had like it was like real crisp air and you know i come i'm from i'm in la so there's smog everywhere in traffic but it was awesome the ubers would pick you up and have conversations with you um and they were nice and polite i forget because i live you know a lot of you guys probably are listening to this in in places like omaha but i live in la in new york and yeah i go to new york a lot and i go to like these big cities and to play i play these big cities a lot people are like well and and i should, though, it's mostly LA, though. Not even New York. People think of New York as like people are assholes, but they're not, though, dude. They have this front.

They're like that, but they're not. In LA, people are fucking legit assholes. And you got to catch yourself sometimes because sometimes you're... I'm one. But so I went to omaha and it was it was it was great man the crowds were awesome i played the omaha funny bone it was great the the owner there or or um was so nice and uh the staff there was great and the crowds were awesome uh and i had a great time on stage and i ran the hour

and i'm you know i've been ready to shoot it but it feels good to to be able to shoot it uh to you know to run the run the set and do it i thought i got this new little bit i'm doing here and uh and i added it to it so you know i don't know when an hour's done but uh you gotta figure um you gotta figure uh you know it's done when you're i wanted to shoot it last year but my agents were like hold off tour with it a little bit so now it's it is way better now uh but then you got these guys like bill burr that do an hour every four months and louis ck and and and and jeff uh and uh jim jeffries said to me the other day he was like not the other day i guess it was a while ago but he was like you got to do one every every hour every hour every year man that's what the greats do and i was like yeah fuck maybe i do but then i was like

then my agent was like how many specials you want to do in your life and i was like fuck that's a good point what do i want to have i mean i'm youngish you know what i mean well we're gonna do one every year i'm gonna have 57 specials by the time i die then they're not really that special you know i'm not saying that people who do that specials aren't special i think that obviously louis cK and Bill Burr, you know, and Jim Jeffries, they all got great special specials, but I can't imagine doing that many and then thinking that mine were that special. So anyway, anyway, I'm on like the two, I'm on like a year and a half, two year plan.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll wait a little longer to do my next one. But also the second you put out your special, like when I had incorrigible come out the day later, people were were like we need more when's the next one and it's like at least let me fucking be happy about this and and uh and like take in the the tweets and like the time that i'm uh that i get to like it came out and let me be proud of it a little bit is what i'm saying. But, uh, but yeah, so, um, anyway, it's ready. I'm shooting it. I'm shooting it in Vancouver. I was going to shoot it in Atlanta because, uh, I love shooting in Atlanta or I'm sorry. I love performing in Atlanta and, um, and I love, I love, uh, I love performing in Atlanta.

And every time I was going to Atlanta, every time I would say to people I was going to shoot in Atlanta, other comedians were like, really? And I was like, yeah, why? And they were like, oh, I don't know. It just surprised me that you would shoot in Atlanta. And I think that's racist. Not actually fucking, I don't think you're a racist really, I guess, when you say that.

But when you say that, I think what they're thinking is, you're a white guy though which which is stupid because when i go to perform in atlanta mostly the audiences the more audiences are mixed it's not i think i think people think of atlanta as like only black people and it's not it's like this fucking city that has everybody in it. And I love that about, about cities, about performing in cities because you get to fucking perform for whatever, a melting pot. I always think it's corny when people say that, but like you get to, you know, when you go out, dude, I used to play La Jolla all the time and I hated it because it was legitimately only white people and it was annoying they were all wearing like

button downs and shorts and sandals and i wanted to kick every one of them in the face um because don't be so white like that you know what i mean don't't be so, how about this? And I tried to do this on stage once and it came off kind of racist, but don't be, look, if you're too much that way, look, if you're a fucking fat guy, that's fine. Be fat, be proud of being fat. But if you're this fat guy, that's like, num, num, I always want to eat num, num, num, you know, or like, or like always looking at donuts and you're like, ma, that looks good. The fuck? Like, that's so annoying.

That's so annoying that you're that much that guy. And I know that that sounds like I'm, I'm, I'm sort of like this, like, I don't know. What would it be like a dictator where i'm like nah we all have to conform this certain way but i don't really mean that you know but if you're like a frat guy and you wear bandanas around your fucking head and like you say stuff like oh classic you're a fucking asshole i don't i like you gotta here's the deal you're not maybe not an asshole maybe you're a good guy maybe you give to charity and shit like that but prove to me you're not an asshole that's the thought i have so if you're this you know guy who

who is you know in la jolla and a white guy and you've got this button down and the cargo shorts and the sandals prove to me you're not an asshole and that's the thing if you i like multi-national multi-cultural multi-colored fucking people in my audience because it's more fun my audience because it's more fun because then i know i can reach uh uh uh more more types of people so i stopped doing la jolla because of that um now that being said la jolla is gorgeous and it's awesome but uh but yeah uh i'm so i'm alienating all these fucking cities here i literally said fuck denver fuck la jolla fuck austin i don't mean fuck all these fucking cities here. I literally said, fuck Denver, fuck La Jolla, fuck Austin. I don't mean fuck all these places. You know what I'm talking about.

Here's the thing. You know what I'm fucking talking about? And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably the problem. Yeah, let's go to Seattle and grow a beard and have shorter hair on the top of my head than my, my face beard and wear flannel only and say, fuck Starbucks. Do you know what I'm talking about? Prove to me you're not an asshole if you're that way. Um, so, so yeah, I don't even remember what the fuck I was talking about but um what was i talking about dude do you even know this is my producer but uh i'm uh he has no idea um i was talking

about uh la jolla and anyway this is how it is i should call this fucking podcast off track um that's probably a better name maybe i'll switch it this is only the second episode um so uh yeah anyway i don't know what i was talking about but not fuck denver you know what i'm talking about and if you don't know what i'm talking about you're part of the problem oh yeah yeah yeah i was talking about a fat guy but being that but yeah but that was already i was already in the i was already off track at that point anyway uh i don't remember i guess this is when my this is when i if if i were my cousin i would say welcome to my world my cousin when he was a kid he would say welcome to my world. My cousin, when he was a kid, he would say, welcome to my world all the time. And we would fucking laugh so hard.

And he had this voice when he was a kid where he would like talk like this. And he would like talk like this. And my brother and I would laugh every time. He'd be like, welcome to my world. Like, it's so funny for like a 14-year-old to say that. What's your world? Welcome to my world. What do you mean? Like, what's your world welcome to my world what do you mean like

with your like what's your world you have a tutor you know um so yeah but already this is 25 minutes in and i literally don't know what the fuck uh by the way i have this fucking this is another thing too i have a my british friend just texted me and uh this is how this is how this is the this is actually and i always talk to him because he'll it's so british to fucking email somebody instead of text them like that's that's the thing like he's actually that british as i was talking about like you like there are so white guys in la jolla like he'll fucking email me a picture and i'm like bro what's wrong with fucking sms or multimedia or the mms

whatever the fuck it's called the text message i guess that would be multimedia shit but so i never know if he's in britain or he was a guy on undateable um david finn great actor hilarious good guy love him but he'll be like he'll i'll be like yeah send me that picture and then i'll be like you didn't send me that picture and be like check your email and i'll check my email and it'll be the picture be there and be like why didn't you fucking text me and And he'll be like, because I'm British. But he texts. And so he texts me. Too good for shitting dogs now.

Too good for shitting dogs now, bro. And that's on Friday. I don't know what that fucking means. So literally 40 minutes later, I got the text and I texted him back. What, bro? Friday goes by. No, no, no. Friday didn't go by. Then five hours later, I text him back in all caps.

Oh, cool. Because he didn't text me back. You get an oh, cool from me. Fuck that. If you didn't text somebody back in five hours and it's the daytime so then i text him back five hours later oh cool and then the next day 20 hours later now we're talking about he writes tagged you in something on ig yesterday nice that you thought about it in the four hours between your two texts though so doesn't explain it which makes me which actually makes me furious too

because explain it dude what do you got to do that you can't just fucking explain it okay so then i don't write back because i'm like angry like friend angry not like angry angry and then then he just texts me now a day later only just saw this message didn't send the other day with and pointing above it and it did come through where like and all of the text messages are green oh so british dude i don't know where he is he's in he's in great britain for sure no he said he was in town too i don't know but this is the most british shit ever like to take three days for this to have a conversation in a text only just saw this message didn't send the other day oh got it first of all got it also didn't make sense and don't explain how you thought I didn't get the fucking message. Explain the goddamn message. Too good for shitting dogs now, bro, he says, dude. Also, expect that I would get that.

Now, this sounds pompous, but I have so many fucking, I have over 700,000 followers on Instagram. This guy tags me in something rather than text. That's also so British. Send me the fucking thing dude on text anyway so that's that's uh so i don't know what he means and i'm gonna ask him again when i see him which who knows i did on dateable with him that's a when you do a show with somebody like he's he's like one of my favorite people and when you do a show with somebody you talk to them every

day and then the show gets canceled and like you literally never hear from them ever again and it's it's kind of sad i guess if you thought about it i don't think about it that much which makes it even more sad but like you don't if you're not a comedian you're not in my life which is so sad because i see them all the time at the comedy store the improv the laugh factory whatever but like i don't like like what like you know keifer sutherland hasn't talked to that guy dennis haisbert in fucking 12 years or whenever 24 was on and keifer sutherland sees those all-state commercials and he's like i remember him oh he was a good guy and dennis haisbert sees whatever the fuck uh

designated survivor and he's like he's like i remember him you know those two guys have the most voices voices and they were on the same show and they have fond memories of each other but they literally haven't seen each other since dennis hayesberg was assassinated in season four in fucking 24 or whatever it was and and and and keifer sutherland sutherland was like we'll have to get that coffee in a week you know and dennis hayesberg was like i'll be free i'm wide open because he literally doesn't have it didn't was on the show anymore and and they had plans to go get coffee at like 4 p.m in Brentwood, you know, because that's for sure 100% where Dennis Hayesburg lives. If Dennis Hayesburg doesn't live in Brentwood, I'll fucking jump off that

fucking suicide bridge in Pasadena. I don't know that for sure, but actually Google where he lives, will you? This is something my producer can do google where dennis hayesberg has a house but don't say the address um but there's no way he doesn't live in brentwood um and then never saw him again they never literally hasn't seen him again ever maybe they saw him once at like the sag awards or something but like saw them from afar and like was like hey how you doing he was like good it's been really good and that's it malibu so i mean same thing like malibu and brentwood is so far is it's such a like i live in la but i don't live in la kind of a vibe thing that it's like the same thing if you live in there's nothing more la there's nothing more LA than living in Brentwood except for living in Malibu the only place more LA it is to live in Malibu is Paris I heard Johnny Depp lived in Paris I heard Johnny Depp not he didn't have a place in Paris I heard his home was in Paris

and I almost ate my own dick that's how LA it was like, oh, of course Johnny Depp lives in Paris because he's the most Hollywood guy there is. And I know people who know Johnny Depp, a hundred percent would say to me right now, oh, you don't know Johnny Depp though. And he's actually not LA in which I would respond. He wears two hats at the same time sometime you'd be like oh i actually know johnny depp he's not los angeles in which i would respond he's got 47 skull rings you know he wears a tent though. Do you know what I'm saying? So, so you don't get to say he's not Hollywood because here's who knows if somebody's Hollywood or not. Somebody who just kind of pays attention to somebody. If you're a friend of somebody, there are people who would

say I'm Hollywood for sure. My friends would be like no, he's not hollywood But but dude It's not up to your friends to tell you that it's up to the people who kind of know you And see you in magazines. I'm not in magazines. I'm talking about johnny depp So that's the most when I heard johnny depp lives in paris Because actually you know what that's actually where this came from one time. I think I was talking to my uncle And he said I said said yeah johnny depp it must be so hollywood and he said oh no you know he lives in paris and i said that's it that's it that's the most that's the most hollywood shit ever is to live in paris not have a home there but to live and i'm sure he's

got a home in la too i'm sure it's in malibu but um but yeah so that's that's the most LA place to live is Paris I think John Malkovich lives there too so that's like there you go by the way Johnny Depp and John Malkovich great at what they do I'm not knocking on them so fuck you with that shit when you you know because I know that shit's coming my way with the seven listeners I have so far but um yeah they're great they're great at what they do they're two of the top-notch motherfuckers johnny depp john malkovich both great at being actors johnny depp also great at being it's a hollywood um so yeah so that's what's up uh again i got off track but yeah so anyway oh so that's what i was trying to say i haven't i haven't i literally haven't seen david since we the season finale of undateable season three which by the way we did three seasons in five days people were like oh it was on for that long

um but it was not kind of but it was three seasons but nbc did it in like two years so it didn't seem it seemed like it nbd's nbc did it in like two years so it didn't seem it seemed like it mbd's nbc will do this thing where it's like season three four months later and you're like okay i don't think audience members kind of catch up to that um but whatever ron funches was on that show he's got that new show called powerless on NBC which you should check out um great cast great guys on that um but yeah so uh so so that's god it really is so Hollywood though like if I got a place in Omaha that would be so fucking Hollywood you know what if I got a place in Omaha if I lived in Omaha and not LA I feel like I would probably get more work because people

would be like oh did you know he lives in Omaha people be like what really you think he's available for John Wick 3 to play the bad guy and then people would be like oh it'd be kind of cool because he kind of looks like a um kind of Reeves if he didn't if he didn't sleep that much um i would love to fucking by the way two of the top people i would love to do movies with um who i actually think are great actors, Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage has the career that is the best career. And I heard Sean Penn, I was reading about Sean Penn talking shit about how Nicolas Cage used to be an actor. And then I heard Nicolas Cage said like, so many people talk shit. It's tough when your friends talk shit or something.

Maybe I made that up maybe i made that whole thing up but i think it happened because i think i remember reading it fuck that dude nicholas cage did the movie where he like did it he did leaving las vegas and then was like i'm gonna do movies where i get to drive into buildings in cars or drive out of buildings in my car. And just like he broke so many fucking windows in all these movies and fucking had to... How many movies has Johnny Depp done? Or I'm sorry, not Johnny Depp.

How many movies has Nicolas Cage done where he has to talk to a guy from the underworld? That's not the fucking devil, but a henchman for the devil. Nicolas Cage has done, since leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage has done 14 movies where he's had to talk to a devil's henchman.

And those 14 movies are my favorite movies. And those are the movies I want to do after I do the crazy fucking... I want to get to a point where no bullshit, i want to do after i do the crazy fucking i want to get to a point where no bullshit i want to play an asian man in a drama with no makeup and i want to do it and i want to win a fucking sag award for it because i want them to be like did you see that fucking did you see chris delia but don't fuck my name up because i'm not going to be that famous they'll be like did you see chris delilah or chris delilah did the um did that movie he'd be like what is it what is it what what movie and they'd be like he plays a uh a japanese guy he'd be like really is it funny and they'll be like no it's not a comedy and they'll be like what do you mean it's not a comedy and they'll be like it's a it's a drama about a japanese guy he plays a japanese guy who

like lost his daughter and you're like what well then it's funnier than it would even be if it was a comedy and be like dude that's what i thought but you've got to see it and then people will go see it and they'll be like whoa he's it's, it's weird. Like he's like Japanese in the movie, but he's not wearing makeup, but he's good. That's my goal to play a, when I'm like 45 or 46 to play a Japanese guy, you know, I don't know where it would be. Maybe it would be like, I don't know what, where, where it would take place. I want somebody to write it, but, uh uh but i want to develop it with them but then and then to be a drama and to where i like do like i have like maybe one scene where my my it's not overboard where i'm like crying so hard but like

there's one scene where i'm like i'm welling up and and and i'm but i'm and i'm you know you kind of forget that i'm playing like this japanese guy but like you're also kind of like it's in the back of your head still a little bit and then i win a sag award for it and i almost win an oscar but i get beat by like you know i get beat by like uh uh jordan goseph levitt joseph gordon levitt what the fuck and uh because he come finally wins his shit after doing all those fucking movies that he did we play like man on a wire or whatever that movie was the walk but but and then like and then snowden and then he had his fucking movies where

it was like this is the movie he's always wanted to make and he wins and he's like he's probably i guess he's probably my age so he's 46 and he won he beat me and people are like there are people that are like pissed off because like chris chris delia deserved it you know because he played a japanese guy without being in and the japanese community community is like he deserves it because he played us without being like overly you know stereotypical and but then also some people do think it's racist but you know because you always got those people but all those people are white people that live in fucking la jolla because it's those people that get pissed off not the actual people that should get pissed off and then after that movie straight up i do 15 movies where the bad guy is a henchman to the devil in the underworld

that's that's my goal no bullshit that's my goal and they're all action movies i drive out of fucking buildings with cars and the bad guy is always you know the character is the henchman of the devil but the the hench the actual bad guy is always like you know some foreign guy that's like you know has like a series on nbc or abc but like he was like a and it's like kind of watched but not really but he's always got a big he's got like a big following in like germany the fuck am i talking about? I don't know. But anyway, that's what it is. But so I, I think I'm going to wrap this up, dude. It's been 41 minutes, you know, we'll grow as you guys grow. Um, but yeah, so that's what we learned. Omaha is a great place to visit for three days. Um, I had a great time there. The audiences are awesome. Thank you, Omaha.

um i had a great time there the audiences are awesome thank you omaha we learned that uh actors don't keep in touch and i guess it's a shame uh i would like keifer sutherland to reach out to dennis hayesberg and see how he's doing kind of catch up and go get that coffee that they were talking about that you know they were talking about you guys can meet in brentwood how's that because you know keith talking about. You guys can meet in Brentwood. How's that? Because you know Keith. Keith Vercel at least lives in Brentwood. And we learned that Johnny Depp is so Hollywood for living in Paris. And that's the most Hollywood place to live. And somebody write me my Japanese movie, my drama.

But you got 10 years. You got 11 years to make it. Before I'm 50, you got 15 years. So thanks. This has been episode whichever of congratulations. And you can tweet me questions by using the hashtag congratulations pod. And I'll address them if they're not fucking idiot questions, you know. So, yeah, that's it.

Thanks for listening. And, oh, you can check me out on tour, chrisdalia.com. And I'm going to all sorts of different cities. I'm adding all sorts of cities. I got a rally city. I'm going to all sorts of different cities. I'm adding all sorts of cities. I got a rally city. I'm doing rally in, I never know if that's in North Carolina or South Carolina.

It's in North Carolina. And then I'm doing Australia too. Going to Australia. And then I'm going to wherever. Tempe, Arizona or something. But yeah, look at it and then follow me on all that shit, Instagram, Twitter, it's just Chris D'Elia.

And have a good one. All right, thanks. Bye, guys. Where do I hit this fucking red thing? Congratulations motherfucker Congratulations motherfucker Fuck you Motherfucker Motherfucker Motherfucker