Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 109. Just Walk Right Up

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Brody Stevens. Also discussed: R. Kelly, David Duchovny, Kanye's Sunday Service, and some great Youtube videos. Plus, we do a Birmingham, Alabama edition of Missed C...onnections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.
Starting point is 00:00:19 Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. What's up, babies? Hey, how you guys doing? It's episode 109. And we're here in the studio.
Starting point is 00:00:57 And we are, if you're looking at the video, if you're looking at the video podcast, you see a new table here. We're we're legit in it up. You know, we got this. We got this table here because I just got tired of using my computer on my fucking lap and I'm tired of looking like a paraplegic in that fucking chair. So anyway, I'm looking real like fucking manly. I'm hunkering down and I got my fucking elbows on the table. And, you know know this is it we use a couple of bags to pay for the fucking table and it's on and uh we got new merch in the merch store if you're part of the bag unit you can go you know cop that shit we got a hoodie it's camo we got a hoodie it's black and gold uh and
Starting point is 00:01:43 then we got a t-shirt that's that lets everybody know they're in the fucking bag unit um now uh i got some dates coming up can you turn up in the headphone a little bit i got the dates coming up um and i got let's see what we got here coming up uh anaheim california san ynez uh valley center california albany new york San Ynez, Valley Center, California, Albany, New York, and Hanover, Maryland, Huntington. I'm doing 75 shows in Huntington, Oroville, California, Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington. Anyway, get your tickets at chrisdalia.com. And I was in – I did a bunch of shows today, this past weekend in Hamilton hamilton windsor uh st louis and what was the other one uh kalamazoo which that theater is awesome the state street theater i think it's
Starting point is 00:02:33 called um it was great uh on thursday or friday i can't remember what day thursday i think it was thursday no it was friday i found out my buddy killed himself. So that was rough. I'm sure if you're a comedy fan, you know about this already. A lot of people who listen to my podcast, listen to a lot of other comedians podcasts and follow a lot of other comedians on Twitter. And you follow me on Twitter too and Instagram. And I posted about it. Brody, Steven Brody Stevens, he had enough of life and he got, he checked out and, um, he was one of my friends and I never had a, first of all, he, um kill himself. And it was the first time that that happened. And it's, you know, I've known people that have done it. And I've known, I've had close one, close people that have died.
Starting point is 00:03:34 But I just, I, you know, I saw him three or four weeks ago at a coffee bean and we were just kind of hanging out. And it was, it was cool. cool you know he seemed normal like nothing was was too fucked up and it took me by surprise and um you know he was i said this on uh i think instagram or twitter but the guy made people laugh differently like he was just one of the funniest guys i had ever met in my life and uh just totally unique and i you know i told a story about him on my podcast a while ago that i i tweeted out recently after uh he he he died um and uh i posted that up uh to let you guys know that how how that was the funniest night I've had at the comedy – the craziest night I had at the comedy store was because of him, and he was on stage. And I told the story about it in one of the episodes a while back.
Starting point is 00:04:35 You can go look at Twitter or whatever if you want to look at it again. I don't even know. He was like this weird mix of like weird, funny, just so talented, like such a comedian, like distilled down to its like purest form of where it wasn't even about the jokes. It was just about how – it was just about him being funny, him stepping on stage. I talk about – I think I've mentioned this on the podcast, but the people who are funny already when they walk on stage before they even say something, Brody was that, you know, uh, you know, guys are like Richard Pryor was like that. Bill Burr is like that. Um,
Starting point is 00:05:19 Bobby Lee's like that. You just, you step on stage and you're just funny already. He was like that. He'd step on stage. The people who didn't get it, the people who didn't really understand comedy on that level would be like, what's wrong with this guy? He's having a fucking mental breakdown on stage. But those people aren't advanced comedy people. they aren't advanced comedy people. Like there's a certain level of comedy that you don't get if you aren't a, I don't want to say a funny person, but if you just,
Starting point is 00:05:58 there's a level of comedy that, you know, there's a wavelength of what we talk about on this podcast. But it's like there are certain people that have that, that you aren't going to get if you don't have that if you aren't tapped into that wavelength uh like i've had um friends come see brody and think he's the funniest guy they've ever seen and then i've had people that are just like i don't get that guy he's angry and he's just like he's the nicest guy he was just the nicest guy he was the sweetest guy and he was a friend and um you gotta see his stuff man uh just in celebration of his life you should go look at um some of the stuff i posted or just look him up on youtube or something just he was just so fucking supremely funny. And, and it, and it, for the first time for me, just like selfishly,
Starting point is 00:06:49 it sucks. It feels like it sucks. Cause like I got shortchanged or we all got shortchanged, you know, the guy could have had 30, 40 years left of, of, of, of making us laugh. And it just sucks that he was in so much pain and it sucks that um all of it all of it's uh all of it's just too bad and if you if you know anybody that is going through a rough time check in on them because it's a real fucking thing man uh you know suicide is a motherfucker i mean i can't imagine doing it but i'm you know, suicide is a motherfucker. I mean, I can't imagine doing it, but I'm, you know, the fact that there's people out there that are thinking about doing it is just, uh, you know, I don't mean to get so down, uh, in the beginning of this podcast, but, uh, yeah,
Starting point is 00:07:36 he was so fucking funny, man. He would get on stage and just talk about how he parked for free at the comedy store and about how on New Year's Eve he would be like, you know, he was bombing a little bit and he was like, I'll ruin your New Year's. And just fucking, God, he was so funny, man. Some of the stuff I watched, after he died, you know, after a I, I looked at his Comedy Central half hour, which is killer, dude. They reposted it. Uh, it is just killer. Uh, he, they, they reposted it on Comedy Central on the YouTube. And, um, there's this picture. That's a great picture that I posted where he's just doing a high kick
Starting point is 00:08:25 stretching and while he brought me on stage one time he brought me on stage for like he would get nervous for gigs like we did the oddball comedy tour which is like 20,000 people in attendance and he would just get nervous and he'd be like I don't know he hosted it once and he brought me up for some reason he had a mental fart and he brought me up as Chris Hardwick and I walked up on stage and i was looking at him i was like what the fuck he's like oh shit i'm sorry no hold on and he walked in front of 20 000 people he was just like sorry i fucked up i i don't know why i said this because chris hardwick is on the show too but he was like it's chris delia and then i walked out in front of 20 000 people i had to fucking dig myself out of that weird hole
Starting point is 00:09:01 but um and he felt so bad for like a year every time he saw me afterwards, which was a bunch. I'd always see him at the comedy store. He'd be like, I'm really sorry. Do you hate me? And I'm like, dude, Brody, I don't give a fuck. But he had that mental kind of a – that mental thing where it was like he would, he would focus on that and just obsess about how he thought I was, you know, I, I was upset about that.
Starting point is 00:09:34 Let me do that. Let me put this, let me put this, this is a really funny thing that Nikki Glaser put out on, on her, on her Instagram, which was from a show called Enjoy It. I think it was called Enjoy It, but it was on either, I forget what it was on, HBO or Comedy Central, but this is how fun, to me this is so funny,
Starting point is 00:09:59 but she put this, she put this thing up on Instagram about Brody just talking about this here with Esther. So I went to Bangkok. This is Brody. And let's just say I pushed it to the limit. You can do whatever you want in Bangkok. I was there for Hangover 2. What does push the limit mean?
Starting point is 00:10:24 I feel like you're trying to tell me something, but you're just saying a weird thing. There's a party culture there. So anyway, I did push it to the limit. What does that mean? I went to Bangkok, and I went to a lady boy show. A show? A show. They dance.
Starting point is 00:10:43 They look good. Brody. And i pushed it to the limit i know okay you're doing this thing that you do where you say the same thing over and over again because i have ocd okay i already know that you went to bangkok and did what push the limits no pushed it to the limit see you don't know that's why i I repeat it. Let's say a thing. All right, so here's the deal. I went to Bangkok. I pushed it to the left. Well, just tell me what you did.
Starting point is 00:11:11 I explored the ladyboy culture. And then? Explored the ladyboy culture. And it's messed with my mind a little bit. And I come back to America, a stronger man, a clearer-minded man, but yet somewhat foggy. I know you're special, but I don't think you're gay. Esther, I went to Bangkok, and you know what I did there? You pushed it to the limit.
Starting point is 00:11:41 I pushed it to the limit. Or did you feel, oh, it's nice to be touched by someone because I'm in a foreign country. I'm lonely. I haven't seen my mom or Daisy in a while. I'm not around my friends. I'm lonely. I'm just going to accept what comes to me. Exactly. I wish I was like, you know, with a girl, with the family, with the child, but I'm not. You will be. I always tell you this. You're still young for a man, okay? My dad had me when he was 44. You're 42. Did your father go to Bangkok and push you to the limit? I don't think he did.
Starting point is 00:12:10 Did he click on things? I don't want to know. Have you checked his cookies? Did he click on things? That's how funny he was, dude. God, he just... Dude, I mean, did he click on things? You can click on things anywhere, not just in Bangkok.
Starting point is 00:12:30 Anyway, dude, look him up, man. He's so funny. And he's also the kind of guy that would be like, because he would be like on, he would be on stage and he would be like, I've never trended on Twitter. You know, like shit like that. And he was trending on stage and he would be like, I've never trended on Twitter, you know, like shit like that. And he was trending on Twitter when he died. And that would have fucking, he would have loved that, dude. Which is almost like, you know, it's sad when someone dies. But also, look, when somebody commits suicide, obviously it's a really sad thing.
Starting point is 00:13:03 But it's their choice. And you know, it's what they wanted to do at the point at the point in their life. And it's definitely sad, but I choose to also see, you know, celebrate his life because man, it was a fucking, it was,
Starting point is 00:13:18 it was awesome, dude. He brought so much joy to people and he was so, so funny, dude. I mean, just, i can't say enough about it where's the thing about how he was doing the uh this thing this made me feel so good when he did this i didn't even saturday night tomorrow this is him on stage. This is a special that came out recently.
Starting point is 00:14:14 And then he goes. He would always do that. He would always say like, why? Because I'm not Crystalia? Oh, fuck. I would go. Sometimes I would heckle him like just in fun for fun. There was one time where he was like, he was like, he was like, I'm'm really high and i gotta go on this i gotta go on this comedy show i think i'm too high and i was like dude he was like maybe maybe you'd be in the back and and and and because we used to do this
Starting point is 00:14:37 thing sometimes where other comedians would do it too it wasn't like a thing that just him and i did but like i would go in the back of the room and I would like lead him into his jokes like I would like not heckle him but I would like talk to him and just like interview him kind of in a way and because he would forget his jokes and I loved his jokes so I'd be like oh there's you know I would be like well what happened didn't something happen to you once as a child did you get lonely and then he would go into his jokes be like oh yeah I was lonely as a child and then it was just fucking so much fun. I loved being a part of it.
Starting point is 00:15:07 And I always feel special. Like, he made me feel special. He was the comedy store, man. He was the comedy store, like personified. He just would do those late night spots. He would be funny and weird. And it was just cool, man. He made me feel accepted when I was coming into the comedy store.
Starting point is 00:15:25 Anyway, rest in peace, Brody, Stephen Brody Stevens. What a great guy. And we miss you, man. And I'm going to miss you. I really will. Anyway, that being said, thanks for listening to that. Didn't mean to get anybody sad, but go look him up. And because he would have liked that.
Starting point is 00:15:44 The guy's too funny. Yeah. Anyway, I was in St. Louis I was in I played 3,000 people in St. Louis which was a lot and we rescheduled it man and Theo Vaughn is out there saying I'm canceling shows I'm not canceling shows I'm rescheduling shows and I did reschedule the show and we did it
Starting point is 00:16:04 and it was sold out. And it was beautiful. And by the way, nobody cancels more shows in town than fucking Theo. Theo. So I see you, motherfucker. I didn't cancel shit. I rescheduled, baby. I don't cancel.
Starting point is 00:16:18 I may cancel a show coming up. But yeah, so I did the St. Louis show. I did the Windsor show. 5,000 people in attendance. Pretty fucking crazy. You know, we're getting up there, babies. With this log cabin, we're going to get – when we get this log cabin, dude, we're going to need to get a really big log cabin, man. We're going to need to get a fucking log.
Starting point is 00:16:40 We should build the first log compound like a hotel just logs, just so we could have rooms and fucking huge banquet hall. If we need to have a discussion, we have a banquet hall. A log hotel is what we need. But, yeah, we're getting up there, so it's great. Played 5,000 in Windsor. Anyway, it's cool. We had a good time. We had a fucking good time.
Starting point is 00:17:09 A lot of dates. And I'm really fucking tired. Anyway, I'm so tired. But I think for the first time, I'm starting to feel like performing is like I'm traveling too much. Like I feel like almost overworked, uh, but I'm doing it for you guys and I'm doing it also because I bought a new house and I need to. And also I'm doing a new, I'm doing a show coming up. I'm going to be on a show. I don't know if I should say it yet cause the deal isn't closed, but I'm gonna do a few episodes of this
Starting point is 00:17:40 really fucking hot show that I really like. Uh, and I about it. So I'm going to be doing that this month. Anyway, did you guys see the fucking Kanye thing where he was doing the... I mean, dude, first of all, let me just say this. I watched the documentary, the R. Kelly thing, those six episodes of the surviving R. Kelly. Wow, man. I cannot believe R. Kelly. Look at this.
Starting point is 00:18:18 In response to press inquiries, I can confirm the video we provided to prosecutors yesterday includes R. Kelly clearly stating the following to the victim, sometimes on multiple occasions. Give me that 14-year-old. You know what? I don't even want to say. It's so. I mean, this is the last one, though. This is kind of. Give me that 14-year-old booty hole.
Starting point is 00:18:35 Oh. Real problems. Booty hole? Also, that's how you know he definitely had real problems. booty hole also that's how you know he definitely had real problems if you're having sex and you refer to a i mean booty hole he was so you know what that means he was so strictly r&b a strict so strictly r&b that while he was having sex, he calls an asshole a booty hole. Went to McDonald's after his release.
Starting point is 00:19:13 You know? Dude. Dude. I mean, left Cook County Jail and stopped at a McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-booty hole. county jail and stopped at a mcdonald's booty hole dude jesus christ there's still people why are there people out there that are still like he didn't do it they're trying to fucking
Starting point is 00:19:43 it's a conspiracy Like, he didn't do it. They're trying to fucking. It's a conspiracy. How do you know? How do you know? Just because you like, I believe I can fly. How do you know he didn't do it? You can be real talented and still try to get booty hole unconsensually. Just so, you got to be a fucking special kind of idiot to be such a huge fan of somebody that thinks,
Starting point is 00:20:14 oh, he could never do that. Why did 80 fucking people say that they're doing it? Why did 80 people say he's trying to hit a booty hole? God. You know, I was watching the the surviving r kelly thing and it goes into they talked about like what i didn't know because i wasn't like a big r kelly fan i didn't know um i didn't ever think his music was all that good or that big even like i listened to some of his shit but like dude he played big songs he had big songs he wrote for michael jackson i didn't realize he was that big but he did and they the the first like episode all you think i was like i gotta listen to this guy's music which is like, you know, and they get into what he did,
Starting point is 00:21:07 but I, and the first thought is anger. I feel bad about it. Cause when I was watching it, I was like angry, but I also felt bad. I felt sad. Even though this may not be right.
Starting point is 00:21:19 Like I felt sad about the whole situation. And even for him that like, he was this fucked up guy and you know he was molested as a kid and you know obviously what he did was horrible and there are people who are molested as kids that don't do what the fuck he did but dude i mean just so fucking bad what he did obviously and there's so many people coming out. I mean, there's sick. I watched this shit.
Starting point is 00:21:48 Surviving R. Kelly. Just person after person after person after person coming out saying that he abused them. And he kept people in. He kept women in his house locked up and would give them a bucket to piss in. And wouldn't let them out. And they had to call him if he wanted to eat. That's like some fucking, that's literally like a movie
Starting point is 00:22:09 that where you'd be like, whoa, this guy's sick. And like Morgan Freeman would crack the code and like find the guy with like a younger white actor. And then they would go get him. And the end would be, they get into this house
Starting point is 00:22:24 and Morgan Freeman would be there with – yeah, like Brad Pitt. It's like seven with like – or like it would be like – you know what it would be? It would be Morgan Freeman and David Duchovny and the movie would be in like 1997. It's such a movie in 1997 that would be made. And it would be like, yeah, this guy like plays with 14-year-old booty holes and like makes him piss and shit in a bucket. And Morgan Freeman would be like, we're hot on the trail and then it would be david dukovny because he like maybe he had a few movie shots in like the 90s it would be like return to me it would be like it came it would come out like a month after the movie returned to me with
Starting point is 00:22:59 with uh what's that girl's name? Mimi? What the fuck is that girl's name? The one from Good Will Hunting? Anyway. And, Minnie Driver. And so, and that movie would come out,
Starting point is 00:23:18 and it would be like, and it would be like David Duchovny finding R. Kelly with Morgan Freeman. And, David Duchovny finding R. Kelly with Morgan Freeman. And that would come out in 1997 because that would be the most 1997 movie of all time. And Ashley Judd. Ashley Judd. It would be Ashley Judd. It would be one of those movies with Ashley Judd
Starting point is 00:23:37 and fucking Morgan Freeman. Anyway, who gives a shit? Whatever. Fixating on the movie in 1997. David Duchovny was a sexy guy huh he still is maybe i don't know how old he is 58 years oh wow i haven't seen him in a bit dude it was so annoying how many people said they liked californication when it came out that was like the number one show that like hot chicks would be like have you seen californication never saw it sure it was good
Starting point is 00:24:00 i'm sure it was good david companies are the's the shit. I love David Duchovny. Anyway, he's married to Talione, right? They're cool. They got their squint going on. That baby will come out and it will be just fucking have sunglasses on. They both squint so much it's unbelievable that the baby will come out with fucking sunglasses
Starting point is 00:24:20 on. The baby will come out. They're so cool. The baby will come out and the baby will be like sup cut this umbilical cord real quick look this cut you have the thing out it would come out fucking and then it would have the sunglasses come up and be like yo cut this umbilical cord real quick and then you'd be like, have you seen Californication? So, yeah. That would be a movie.
Starting point is 00:24:49 Fucking whatever, dude. Yeah, but so anyway, the R. Kelly thing, which is crazy. When somebody is good at music, you will forgive anything, man. Like, I'm a huge Tupac fan. at music, you will forgive anything, man. Like I'm a huge Tupac fan. It's weird because music is like tied in to your experiences and your memories. That's what it is. Like you, if you listen to that song, step in the name of love. And it was like, that was like your summer as a 15 year old.
Starting point is 00:25:30 year old you don't want to have to listen to that song and think about how r kelly was touching on 14 year olds because that ruins your emotional connection to your own childhood so that's why i think these people are like he didn't do it because they're holding on to their fucking memories and they're like if he did it then my summer when i was 16 year old 16 years old is tarnished and i can't remember the the thing it was i can't remember the way it was that's why people fucking allow kanye to go get away with all the shit too like yeah MAGA but also how about the fact that that fucking Runaway song is so ill you ever listen to that song in the gym people listen to fucking workout hardcore songs no dude if you listen to an emotional song at the gym you get much more done, for real.
Starting point is 00:26:30 That Sunday service thing that he did, though, he really can make a beat, huh? Just the widest dance of all time in all light. He's so happy too. He's smiling so hard. Where's the kiss key? Anyway, he does this thing called Sunday service, I guess, every Sunday in somewhere. I don't know where. But if you can do that. A-O-A-O-A-O-A-O-A-O-A-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K But that's that's ill as fuck, though. And if you can do that, people will forgive MAGA. You know, the liberals will be like, well, yeah, MAGA, but also.
Starting point is 00:28:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's into Trump and Trump doesn't like to, you know, isn't for helping people and immigration. And he's not for, you know, opening the borders and keeping people in America undivided. But also, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away. So whatever, dude. So whatever, dude. So whatever, dude. You know? People, that just goes back to me saying,
Starting point is 00:28:37 and I've said this, that most people just don't give a fuck. Because your life isn't really directly affected by it. Most, most people. Like, look, whether i'm for or not not for or for the president currently and i don't mean trump i just mean whoever it is um if i on if i'm honest my my life doesn't change at all uh and uh and that's most people in – at least in my immediate circle and in my general circle. Like you're not affected directly usually by whoever is leading the country. You can over a short period of time – over a long period of time if shit gets changed and done. But like – so my point is that people don't – most people don't actually give a fuck because you're not directly affected by it.
Starting point is 00:29:27 If you are, you do. And if you're a really open person and caring person, then you do care. But it's hard to make yourself care about this shit if you don't have to. So that's why, yeah, you can say trump sucks but also oh that's the kind of thing too that if i think it's so ill because they're having so much fun i love what's better than watching people have so much fun. But if I was there, I'd be like, yeah, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'd be the only one wearing not white.
Starting point is 00:30:12 And people would be like, come on, get into it. And I'd be like, I don't know, man. They're just jumping up and down and shit. Also, like, that's the thing about music that I just don't really give a fuck about. It's like you have to bring the instruments. Like, that's so shit. That's so bitch. Like, you got to bring a. It's like you have to bring the instruments. That's so shit. That's so bitch. You got to bring a whole big van
Starting point is 00:30:27 and you got to bring the big congos and the fucking thing and the guitars and the piano and the bass and set it all up and then you can have fun. Fuck that. That's why I do stand-up. You don't need shit.
Starting point is 00:30:43 You just need acoustics, my babies. You just need four walls that make a good sound. You need a not high ceiling and some four walls. You got to bring a fucking thing to make a sound, to make people dance. The second you got to bring a thing, I'm out. That's the thing. I don't do that shit. Like skydiving.
Starting point is 00:31:04 I wouldn't. You got to train and then jump up with a pack on or like skiing oh we talked about this camping you got to get a tent and all that shit nah i chill where wherever the fuck i am i'm a lot like that guy except for the fact that he rock climbs i'm a lot like that guy, except for the fact that he rock climbs. I'm a lot like that guy from Free Solo, except for he rock climbs and he needs all that shit. He needs all the shit that you climbed. He needs the, the, but also he doesn't. He climbs solo, baby. He went up the fucking side of the, he went up like this, dude.
Starting point is 00:31:41 If you see the video thing, he's, he's doing it like this. Dude, he's like, this is him holding on his whole body with just one fucking finger and doing it that's that's that's the way to rock climb dude you know you got these jason momoa and the fucking jared leto doing the doing the fun one with the colorful footholds? Get up there. Do it. Actor. You actor. You fucking actor with a hobby.
Starting point is 00:32:14 Dude, fuck hobbies, man. Make that shit your whole life. Make the thing you love doing the most your whole life. Hobby. Hobby ass motherfucker. Actors. Dude, picture me collecting old cameras and taking photos and shit get the fuck out of here John Travolta with his flying around on an airplane
Starting point is 00:32:30 hike put a vest on with a bunch of pockets get a stick take a fucking walk uphill dude get out of here that I don't know why that fucking bothers me. I'm such an asshole, dude. I mean, it doesn't bother me to my core, but like... I just remember seeing an article when I was younger in like Esquire magazine where this actor was on a TV show. And he was like... And they were interviewing him about the TV show. But he really wanted to talk about his collection of old cameras that he takes pictures with and i thought no i thought heck dude he was laying i don't remember what actor it was he was on something like alias or some shit and he was just chilling with a collection of old cameras
Starting point is 00:33:25 just like next to him and it was every picture he took was sepia fuck sepia dude everyone thinks a picture is so much better if it's sepia dude sepia my ass it's sepia dude sepia my ass people love sepia that makes you feel so nostalgic you see a picture from last week and that shit's in sepia you're like oh wow I've had a great life
Starting point is 00:33:57 this shit was last week fuck that dude fuck that dude you make a fucking old sporting clip sepia you could have what's his name in it David Freese and it's still you're like wow man baseball's been around a long time all right abs abs
Starting point is 00:34:21 ads I mean just abs just said abs brain to I got a fucking brain tumor, man. Probably. All right. So, yeah. That's what's up. Ayo, ayo, ayo, ayo.
Starting point is 00:34:37 This is so bad. Ayo. You ever see a guy with a fucking dude? I would never do it unless I had the double-decker keyboards. Dude, the guy who has the double-decker keyboards is the biggest asshole of all time. Imagine having to bring two keyboards somewhere to play. Wow. I got to get...
Starting point is 00:34:59 Dude, get... You ever see the man... You ever see the dude with the three keyboards? That would be the shit, playing him one with his toes. I want to... If you got four keyboards, you're the shit. You know, dude? I don't know dude wait wait wait wait
Starting point is 00:35:31 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
Starting point is 00:35:33 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
Starting point is 00:35:33 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
Starting point is 00:35:33 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
Starting point is 00:35:33 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Dude, when I was in, what do you call it?
Starting point is 00:35:45 When I was in Toronto. Yeah. Or I was not in Toronto. I was in Hamilton and Windsor. Dude, it's so funny. And I mean this shit, dude. And this is like, there's no hyperbole either. I'd say every, I'd say in Toronto area area especially in the east of canada every one out of every fucking
Starting point is 00:36:08 seven guys is thinks they i they are like they're like cool like in the same way drake is like cool like you see so many guys that have the beards like like the the nice trim beards like break like drake and the and they're wearing the fucking that the the beards like like the the nice trim beards like break like drake and the and they're wearing the fucking that the the jacket with the hood with the fluffy collar you know with that fluffy hooded thing whatever that is that ski jacket and it's not even that cold but they're like yeah but drake you know they just they got these light skin, dark guys that are just, if you're light skin, if you're dark, if you're a black guy, but light skinned and you live in Toronto, you're, you try to look like Drake. That's just it. Period.
Starting point is 00:36:55 You could be a fucking not good looking, ugly guy. And you still are like, I got to get that beard that Drake gets and get that jacket with the fluffy hood. I got to get that. get that beard that Drake gets and get that jacket with the fluffy hood. I got to get that. And then like by yourself, when no one's around, you go just to test it out. You go, just to like test that, test it out, you know? Yeah. Just to test it out. How much like you're like Drake and you're like, I can do it. If the cards felt differently, I could probably do what Drake does, but I'm kind of in my job right now. Just chilling.
Starting point is 00:37:30 Oh. Oh. So rude. So rude in the beginning. So rude. Don't start a song like that start hey start the song two seconds later
Starting point is 00:37:50 start it now I mean dude he literally goes, like, no exaggeration, that's, start the song two seconds later than this. So rude. God, that makes me laugh, though. God, that makes me laugh, though. There's somebody who commented, this song makes me want to rob my own house.
Starting point is 00:38:38 Okay. God, dude, hip-hop is so funny, dude. This old roadie, not a stop. Watch this shit, don't never stop. Okay? All right. I love how, like, I listened to that. They said that. What's that?
Starting point is 00:39:00 What on the Grammy? Oh, yeah. The Grammy. What's that? What on the Grammy? Oh, yeah. The Grammy. What's the guy who, what were the Grammy nominees for best album, hip hop? What's his name? Grammy. Hip rap album.
Starting point is 00:39:24 What's his name? I can't remember not jewel santana who was it uh no nominees uh nipsey hustle that one victory rap i tried to listen to it it's just like it's it's just the same shit. Like, listen to the titles. Here, let me listen. Let me go to the track listings. Here, right here. Whoops.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Here we go. Tracks. Tracks. Here we go, right here. Whoops. Here we go. Tracks. Here we go. Right here. Got them. Victory lap, of course. Rap, N-word. Can't say it. Last time I checked, young, N-word. Dedication, Last time I checked, Young, N-word. Dedication, Blue Laces 2, Hustle and Motivate, Status Symbol. But they're all like, I tried listening to it. It was kind of like all the same song.
Starting point is 00:40:35 Maybe I'm just an idiot. I don't know. People were talking about how good that album was. God, have you guys seen? You know what one of my favorite? Dude, you know what actually I want to do? First of all, you got to look up this one video. This is my favorite video. I never laughed so hard at a blooper
Starting point is 00:40:57 than this one here, this Tech TV blooper right here. Okay, dude, I never laughed. This is one of a dude i never laughed i never laughed harder at a blooper video than this one oh my god dude okay this is older man i've shown you this right this older man it's called tech tv blooper it's older man and this guy is well here i'll just play it so this is a one of a kind piece Well, here, I'll just play it. So this is a one-of-a-kind piece. There's no other one like this particular one in the world.
Starting point is 00:41:31 And you can see the tracks go this way. And it's really cool because it records much more accurately than... Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude. Okay, he's literally just holding it. Nothing's happening, and it just explodes. He didn't drop it. And then...
Starting point is 00:41:50 This is a one-of-a-kind piece. And he's saying it's a one-of-a-kind piece! There's no other one like this particular one in the world. And you can see the tracks go this way. And it's really cool because it records much more accurately. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Well, that does happen every once in a while.
Starting point is 00:42:19 No, it doesn't, dude. God doesn't know what to say. He goes, oh, he was going was gonna say fuck but then didn't because he didn't want to swear and then he said shit like the second wave of uh-oh just overwhelmed though and he was like i guess i gotta say shit oh my god oh my god go this way he says oh my god too which is hilarious um it's really cool because it it much more accurately. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Well, that does happen every once in a while.
Starting point is 00:42:51 That can't be good. Now, are you done with that? Yeah, I'm done with that. All right. Apparently, we're really done with that one. That's so funny. Are you done with that one? It just just exploded uh yeah you're done with it that one and then the fucking ladder the qvc ladder one forget it dude forget it dude
Starting point is 00:43:15 i don't know which one i like better i don't know which one i like better dude this one oh my god the home shopping ladder blooper this this one right here First of all, this is the dumbest The dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen In my life It's a ladder that fucking We'll put it on the video podcast, but it goes Up and you can make it go Across and then down
Starting point is 00:43:37 For no reason For no fucking reason So he's showing how to do it and he's crawling across the ladder It's a very easy situation to operate No fucking reason. All right? So he's showing how to do it, and he's crawling across the ladder. It's a very easy situation to operate. You just push the buttons in right here on the two sides, the two little buttons. And all you do is push them in, and that will release it. And right here, push the button in.
Starting point is 00:43:57 That releases it. And then after you let go, it locks. Firmly in place. So really, you're all set. And this is tough. It is. Listen, I'll give you an example. He says, and this is tough. It is. Listen. Give you an example. He says, and this is tough.
Starting point is 00:44:08 All right. And by the way, guys who are as tall as the woman they're talking to are the most hilarious guys. Like it doesn't matter how tall you are. If you are as tall as the woman you're talking to, you are a bitch. Now, the woman can be 6'2". I'm 6'2". If the woman is 6'2", and I'm talking to a 6'2 woman to, you are a bitch. Now the woman can be six, two. I'm six, two. If the woman's six, two, and I'm talking to six, two women, I am therefore a bitch. Now that happens way less because I'm six, two and not many women are six, two. But if you're as tall as the woman you're talking to, you are a bitch and you're drying the pussy up. And that's just how it is. Now our pussy is going like this because it's dry. Congratulations, but that's how it is.
Starting point is 00:44:46 Okay? Now, this guy is trying to show this girl how the ladder works because he's a representative of the ladder. And it is her job to be on the show and have this guy on and try to sell these ladders. Now, she is wearing, for some reason, a goddamn gown. Now, that's fucking stupid because she looks ridiculous. She couldn't look more Mormon, and he is as tall as her. Therefore, he as a bitch. Now he locks it up.
Starting point is 00:45:09 Let me go back a little bit. You're all. And this is tough. The guy couldn't look more like he sings in that fucking. What is that? Who are they? The four seasons. Is it the four seasons? it's uh one fire one fire
Starting point is 00:45:29 it's all good but one fire frankie valley and the fucking degenerates or some shit you know degenerates is probably that that's definitely a group the four seasons okay frankie valley example so he now he tries to crawl across it you have a you know you have to get up on the wall high ceiling right she has no fucking idea dude she has absolutely zero idea right right and he's crawling across dude you don't understand this ladder how do i describe it for the audio listeners so the ladder it it's it's a bridge you crawl up it and then you crawl across it and then i guess down and he's like say you have to go but you could just use a regular ladder for the shit say you have a you know you have to get up on the wall high you have to get up on the wall
Starting point is 00:46:18 a high so oh you mean what a regular ladder does okay right the best i never realized how awesome and loaded her right is so you have a you know you have to get up on the wall high ceiling vault hey listen just walk right up and i tell you oh do the casualness of how he's so listen just walk right up okay so he's now he's walking up wow so bitch how he looks when he's walking right up. Okay. Walk right up. And I tell you, it's very safe. It's durable. And it's like carrying me.
Starting point is 00:46:49 Oh, really? Okay. Now, what happened right there was it buckled a little bit. Like about, I'd say, 10 inches. And he almost fell. And he's crawling across it. Which means, if it did buckle, his face would go directly into the ground. Okay?
Starting point is 00:47:10 So Frankie Valli. The guy could look more like goddamn Frankie Valli. And he's as tall as the fucking chick he's talking to. Oh, my God. All right. So now it – and then he's so fucking goddamn scared. But he says – see, now it's locked in place. Really?
Starting point is 00:47:29 So there it goes. Okay, it falls a little bit. Now it's locked in place. Okay. So really? Now he has to crawl across the floor because he has to. Because he has to. Because he's trying to sell these.
Starting point is 00:47:43 He has no choice but to now. That's the best, dude. There's nothing funnier than that. The guy has to sell these ladders because he's a representative of the ladder. I don't know if he owns the ladder or what, but he's a representative. He needs to make money, dude. So he goes to crawl across it. He said, now it's completely safe.
Starting point is 00:47:59 It's locked in place. And then it falls a little bit, scaring everyone. And then he says, see, now it's locked in place. He has no choice little bit scaring everyone and then he says say now it's locked in place he has no choice otherwise he will sell zero the only hope that he has to sell any is to crawl across and and nothing bad have nothing bad happens but as you can see it is not safe okay so really sorry guys oh god harold are? Actually, I didn't have it locked. Yeah! No way, shit, dude!
Starting point is 00:48:31 His chin goes directly into the ground. And he's, actually, I didn't have it locked. Yeah! And no shit also. Don't need it. Get a regular ladder, dude. If you need to go to this, and then it cuts immediately to the stock footage of the ladder, which is the best. The guy was on standby.
Starting point is 00:48:54 It cut so quickly. The guy was like, he hit it immediately because he knew Frankie Valli was going to hit it. Dude, when he says, actually, I didn't have it locked. It's durable. And it's not scaring me. So really... Now it's locked in place. Okay?
Starting point is 00:49:11 So really... Oh, God, Harold, are you okay? Actually, I didn't have it locked. You have to lock it. Once you lock it, you're okay. But... It is very safe to operate. Dude, the steam coming out of it.
Starting point is 00:49:27 Like the wind out of it. That last right here. It is very safe to operate. Just so defeated. So defeated. It is very safe to operate. Just people hanging up across the country. Oh, God. Harold, are you okay actually i didn't
Starting point is 00:49:46 have it locked oh no shit you have to lock it yeah once you lock it you're okay but it is you gotta look at this video look at the different the different fucking things you can do with the ladder is just so hilarious look at this one dude Things you can do with the ladder is just so hilarious. Look at this one, dude. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? They made it one where you can just, it's like up, down, like a zigzag across the ground.
Starting point is 00:50:19 What the fuck would you want to do that with a ladder? What would you do that except hurt yourself? And it's $200 two hundred dollars for chipped teeth wow 3.3 million when i first saw that video it was it had no hits do it wow we were laughing hard me and my brother i mean look at the things that come up qvc ladder fall death qvc knife how about the fucking one oh it got me oh it got me that one the samurai one you know that one qvc the the fact the way they have to save face is so funny dude because they can't be like oh you know they got to be like, oh, it got me.
Starting point is 00:51:05 Here we go. 1101-1816 is the item number. Why are these guys screaming always? 1101. You're mic'd. 1101-1816 is the item number on this one. 1101-1816 is the item number on this one. And the16 is the item number on this one and the nice thing about these practice katanas oh oh that hurt oh the blade comes off and stabs his abdomen that hurt big time a piece of that just the tip just got me odell
Starting point is 00:51:39 bro you stabbed yourself. Try to minimize it. I love how these guys always try to minimize it, dude. Why can't you just be hurt? He's like, oh, a piece of that just got me. Stabbed himself. A piece of that just, the tip just got me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:12 Odell, too, you know. Oh, that got me good. You all right? A piece of that tip just got me. He's trying to play it off. Right now, we need emergency surgery in the studio. Katanas. Ow!
Starting point is 00:52:29 Katanas. Ow! Katanas. Ow! I mean, he's lucky he didn't hit his eye. Dude, when the guy, when Odell, somebody commented, where can I buy one of those tables? Odell afterwards, we may need to get like just the craft service guy we may need to get emergency surgery like he's just a fucking what's his name uh mike judge
Starting point is 00:52:56 character oh fuck it's so funny dude but but let's look up the fucking one that i've been meaning to look this one up for so long jim rome jim everett won this is so this is where the coin we coined i think my brother and i coined probably so bitch it was such a big term in me and my brother's life and it had been brewing and bubbling but the sabich shit came like this is one of the first seeds of my brother and i starting to call everything sabich hey guys thanks for tuning in jim rome that's not what we want Jim Rome Jim Rome here we go versus Chris Everett
Starting point is 00:53:50 first of all so such bad footage like dude how come in the night do you ever see old footage of shit you're like how did I ever watch TV it looks like you're watching it without the fucking glasses on it's so bad HD is everything old footage of shit, you're like, how did I ever watch TV? It looks like you're watching it without the fucking glasses on. It's so bad.
Starting point is 00:54:08 HD is everything. Like, how did you used to jerk off the porn on VHS? The shit looks like a fucking, what do you call it? Uh, uh, like like the fucking techno bowl or some shit. Tech mobile, techno, tech mobile techno tech mobile tech mobile um yeah so so jim rome is interviewing jim everett and he calls him chris everett was a female tennis player and jim rome would say on his program that jim everett he would call him chris everett because he thought he played like a fucking, I guess, weaker than he normally does, weaker than a football player should play.
Starting point is 00:54:50 Like if he was doing the sexist, like, yeah, you play like a girl thing. So Jim Everett now finally gets on his show and calls him out. And it's so funny. He is now playing for that team that he lit up. I mean, Jim Rome. It's these short Frankie Valley type guys that are the most sub-bitch guys in the world. The new New Orleans Saints quarterback, Jim Everett, is the game winner right there. Just how he says, check that, Chris Everett.
Starting point is 00:55:19 Like, just so heated. All right, that was then and this is now. He's now a member of the Saints. Jim, good to have you on the show. Good to be here, Jim.'s now a member of the Saints. Jim, good to have you on the show. Good to be here, Jim. Thank you. Check that. Chris Everett.
Starting point is 00:55:27 Good to have you on the show. You know what? So, first of all, so shitty to invite a guy on your show just to be shitty to him. It's a bad journalism. Like, be a little bit more cagey. He called me that for about the last... And then he knew it was coming. He knew it was coming. It's a bad journalism. Like, be a little bit more cagey. And then he knew it was coming. He knew it was coming.
Starting point is 00:55:50 Jim Everett knew it was coming so hard. Look. You know what? Anytime a guy says, you know what? They knew it was coming. Thank you. Check that. Chris Everett.
Starting point is 00:55:58 Good to have you on the show. You know what? You know what? You've been calling me that for about the last five years. About two years, actually, Chris. Yeah. Oh, fucking what a bitch. two years, actually, Chris. Oh, fucking what a bitch. Two years, actually, Chris. And then, again, twist the knife.
Starting point is 00:56:10 Oh, it got me. Right there. Twisted it. I called him Chris again. How nervous. So nervous. Both these guys. About two years, actually.
Starting point is 00:56:17 So nervous. Jim Rome's so nervous because Jim Everett could beat the shit out of him. And Jim Everett's so nervous because he's in an interview and doesn't want to be exposed. They have nervous smiles so hard. They're both like this. Let me say one thing. In that game, how many sacks did I have that we came back and won? How many sacks did you have?
Starting point is 00:56:37 How many sacks? Let's see, but this was back in 1989. You may have even been Jim Everett back then, but somewhere along the way, Jim, you ceased being Jim and you became Chris. Well, let me tell you a little secret. That's the best part. Not a secret, dude. But, you know, we're sitting here right now. As in secure.
Starting point is 00:56:59 Let me tell you a little secret that we're sitting here right now. Not a secret. You became Chris. Well, let me tell you a little secret. But, you know, we're sitting here right now. Not secret. He became Chris. Well, let me tell you a little secret. That, you know, we're sitting here right now and if you guys want to take a station break, you can. But if you call me Chris Everett to my face one more time. I already did it twice.
Starting point is 00:57:14 You better call one more time. That's the best one because Jim Rome is trying to like go back and be like, well, I already did it twice. I don't want to have to do this, call you out on your threat thing. So that should count. And you should be beating me up already, but you're not going to. and i'm calling you out on that shit but jim ever better take a station break well it's a everyone's you better you call one more time we better take a station break well it's a five minute segment or five second show we got long five minute segment got
Starting point is 00:57:38 so nervous or five segment show five minute segment or five seconds so everyone both of them are so nervous right now it's so funny station break well it's a five minute segment our five second show we got a long way to go we got a long way to go oh dude what we do what we do and he's smiling the i just before we even play it the beat jim rome takes before he decides to call him Chris again is the most unreal beat ever taken I'll get a couple segments out it's good to be here with you though well it's good to see you too we've been talking like this behind my back for a long time but now I said it right here right exactly we got no problems I think that you probably won't say it again. Here we go. I bet I do. Okay. Chris.
Starting point is 00:58:29 Dude, the sound goes. He tosses the table up and just tosses him down, dude. The way Jim Rome gets up to his sub-itch. You probably won't say it again. I bet I do. Okay. Chris. This little fuck, dude. That's the kind of shit you get knocked the fuck out if you do that. I bet I do. Okay. Chris. Jim Rome's a bitch for that, though.
Starting point is 00:59:01 I think that you probably won't say it again. I bet I do. No, I'm sorry. Jim Everett's a bitch for that. Is that what I meant? Chris? Hey, we're just kidding, man. We're just kidding. Get him off me! Get him off me!
Starting point is 00:59:14 That's fake. That part's fake. Oh, wait. Is that really what that is? No. Because they turned the mic off. I'll tell you what dude if somebody fucking called me out on that shit oh I'd love to call him I'd love to call him Chris again come on Chris let's do this shit oh fuck yeah dude he got fair warning, didn't he? Yeah, he did.
Starting point is 00:59:49 This is a doctor. This is doctored. I bet I do. Okay. Chris. Hey, we're just kidding, man. Just kidding. Help! Help!
Starting point is 00:59:59 Get him off me! Get him off me! Get him off me! Get him off me! Help! Help! Get him off me! I don't have! Get him off me! Get him off me! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off me! I don't have a chance.
Starting point is 01:00:08 Why did they do that? This is not real, you know? That's the best. You call me Chris Everett to my face one more time. I already did it twice. Oh, man. That's so funny. The whole thing is so bitch.
Starting point is 01:00:26 All right, whatever. Do you want to do the... All right, the misconnections. Where are we going for misconnections now? We're going all the way to... Where? Birmingham? Birmingham, Alabama. We did Miami.
Starting point is 01:00:39 We thought it only right to do Birmingham, Alabama because we did a funky, cool, cool fun place and now we're doing the place where why would you be there um all right here we go uh gas christ Christmas tree, and then gas thing. Highway 280. Looking for someone on Highway 280 that sells weed, please call. I mean, it's 2019. You're on a highway. This is the most fucking Birmingham shit of all time.
Starting point is 01:01:26 You're on a highway this is the most fucking birmingham shit of all time you're on a highway and you want weed and you decide to use your phone your smartphone to go on craigslist and post that you'd like weed there's already definitely craigslist ads for weed if you need weed this guy's such an idiot do not contact me without solicit services or offers sir birmingham next um oh boy well like this title this title is hunting my plumber okay see evil looking for the plumber who work on my septic opening it was too small and you tried to stretch it but it was
Starting point is 01:02:14 too small hey man be better at being symbolic get better with your fucking what do you call it uh uh what do you call them similes no um what metaphors yeah make your metaphors better at looking for the plumber who work on my septic opening it was too small and you try to stretch it but it was too soft to finish the job or anyone else that knows anything about how to open it up and other activities that you want to get huh so had such a bad childhood. God, had such a bad childhood and didn't pass English.
Starting point is 01:03:09 Like the, not even English, English, the fucking part where you'd learn about symbolism. Didn't pass that part either. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Hunting my plumber, you know? All right, here we go. Uh. plumber you know all right here we go uh the title of this one is need someone with chlamydia or gonorrhea oh trying to get a sample of either of these two for an experiment don't want to pay for the online sample so let me know if you can
Starting point is 01:03:47 help what the fuck does that mean yo you trying to fuck this is like how like a batman villain starts do not contact me with unsolicited service officer so he just wants a guy he wants like a blood sample or what what the fuck dude hey birmingham what's going on hey birmingham get rid of this guy that's gross dude um i miss having i missed having skin party for females or couples plenty of ice cream ah check that chris everett hey there i'm bored hey there i'm a bored to death 49 year old white guy looking for like-minded women or couples to join me at the party for some skin fun dude this guy spells skin sk8in both times like we know what you mean dude you're not hiding it from the law what are you hiding it from the
Starting point is 01:04:54 administrators and we get it man you're already in trouble if interested here's where you can find me and then the address or the number do not contact me on solicited services or offers. Dude, why doesn't this come? Oh, there we go. Skin party. Hey there, I'm a bored to death 49-year-old white guy looking for like-minded women or couples to join me at the party for some skin fun. There's some weirdos out there huh all right a simple day late nothing more so many fucking hashtags and so many fucking asterisks in this fucking thing for no reason
Starting point is 01:05:36 ring the doorbell come inside join me for a shot and let's just start kissing and getting things going why complicated lol it's just a play date we aren't talking about dating or marriage i don't get time off work much so i need to enjoy myself tonight message my something gml i don't know what that is it's okay oh hey look at this it's okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests. This guy's looking to get a deal too. Another one, one more, two more. M for couple. White male looking to meet up with a couple
Starting point is 01:06:15 for some fun activities. I love plus size women. Let me eat your girl out. The guy really fucking went for it at the end. by the way let me eat your girl out check that chris everett but you know what i'm here and you know what let me tell you a little secret um you know we're at we're in a on a tv show and we got you might want to if you want to go to a commercial break but i guarantee you don't ask me to eat my girl out one more time. I already did it twice. Well, I bet you don't do it again.
Starting point is 01:06:48 Okay, bet I do. Let me eat your girl out. I mean, dude, do not contact me on social media. White male looking to meet up with a couple for some fun activities. I love plus-sized women. Let me eat your girl out, with an exclamation point. Wow, man. Birmingham knows how to party, huh?
Starting point is 01:07:08 That's like that song. We like to party by the Venga boys. Wow. Venga boys is the most homosexual music of all time. Venga bus. So French or just the whole thing so fucking goddamn french but they're in a bus and they're dancing. This would be so not fun, dude. Guess if they're in tight shirts or not, the guys. Guess if they're in tight shirts or not, that should go over their jeans more.
Starting point is 01:07:59 Wow. Also, they're in the Venga Boys and I only see chicks. Also, they're into Venga Boys and I only see chicks. Not even singing well. So vague. So bad. So fucking French. Dude, the cliche bullshit that they're just saying. Happiness is right around the corner. What? God, how bad is this goddamn song?
Starting point is 01:08:49 The vagueness. It pisses me off. Okay, so you like to party. Oh, it's their Spanish. Same thing as French, you know. Completely. Exactly the same French and Spanish By the way
Starting point is 01:09:08 If French did this video Without knowing about the video They'd make the same video Right here So many cliche things So they like to party Okay they've got something To tell us
Starting point is 01:09:21 Okay Okay news So what is it already? So you got to tell us that you're going to put... All right, get ready for the commercial. All right, we'll get to it. What's up? Okay, dude.
Starting point is 01:09:37 Okay. So much buildup. It's a minute into the song. Is that what they have to tell us? Happiness is around the corner? Okay. So you'll be there for us. Oh, fuck you. At this point, I'm just, oh, fuck you, dude.
Starting point is 01:09:53 You didn't tell me shit, dude. You're like some fucking Instagram chick with the fit T. Alright, dude, I'm out of here. Download the Crystalia app. I wasn't able to get up there today. I'll go live for you guys in a little bit, but I wasn't able to get up there today. I'll go live for you guys in a little bit, but I wasn't able to get on there today because they changed the whole app around. Support the
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Starting point is 01:10:27 You can check my episode of Comedians of the World nonstop on, what do you call it, Netflix. And then you can watch Man of Fire and Incorrigible or go to buttonup.comic on Comedy Central app. And that's it. And I'm going to be doing a show soon. I'm going to be shooting something soon. I'll let you know next week what I'm doing. Anyway, thanks for listening, my babies. Okay, take care.
Starting point is 01:10:49 Congratulations! Thank you.

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