Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 11. The Goat Spider Violin

Episode Date: April 10, 2017

Wowie, first ever 11th episode! In today's discussion, Chris talks about the guy getting dragged off that United Airlines flight. Also discussed: Coachella, Stagecoach, country music, Shania Twain, expensive violins, pet snakes (don't get 'em), throwing hecklers out of live shows, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Today's episode was brought to you by Square Cash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Today's show is brought to you by Square Cash. You guys know Square Cash? Square Cash is the best way to pay people honestly you understand me sending money is totally free and fast and most payments

can be deposited directly to your bank account in seconds it happens in seconds you understand some of these some of these other ones they don't do it in seconds. It takes like days. But this is fast. Download the free Square Cash app for iPhone or Android now. What's up, my babies? Hey, it's congratulations. We're back. And it's the 11th episode. Did you ever think we'd do it?

I didn't know if we'd do it or not, but we did it. And I think that's amazing. And I think that's amazing. Now, it's very interesting that my producer chose to open up a fucking soda can right after we started. And you guys heard that. That was him. So it's very interesting they did that, even though he should have done it right before. But it's all good.

And, you know, I'm not upset. We were just talking about I got this group text message going on with actually my producer here and another close friend and a brother of mine. And my actual brother. I know when you say a brother, it sounds like it's either somebody who you love very, very dearly. Or if I was a racist white guy, it might be a black guy. Yeah, we have a brother. We have a brother in the text message chain. But we were talking about my brother sent this horrible,

horrible, horrible, horrible, funny Instagram video. And it was very bad. And we watched it and we all got angry, and you guys do this with your friends, you know what I mean? Oh, my God, look at this shit, and then you love to hate it. So I was saying that I hated it because it drives me nuts that people think they're funny just because they have Instagram and then do funny videos.

And my brother and one of my other close friends was saying that the worst part about it were the people that think it's funny. And I don't agree with that. I think it's bad that somebody thinks it's funny. But ultimately they were saying that funny is whatever somebody thinks it is, which is very true. If you think something's funny, it's funny. thinks it is which is very true if you think something's funny it's funny um but i was saying you it you you got to take responsibility in the it's disrespectful basically like my mom says she's always said oh chris you have such a good voice you should sing and that makes me mad what makes me mad is if then i believed that and then started singing and then was like yeah i'll

just do a singing career like if i all of a sudden you know besides doing comedy i would go on instagram or you know it doesn't have to be my instagram but since we're talking about it i'll go on instagram and then all of a sudden like do some singing videos because i because it got in my head that i have a good voice and i took them seriously. That's what makes me mad is that people don't have the filter themselves to be like, oh, well, a singing, like to be a singer is like, it's so disrespectful to, to, for me to think, oh, I'm going to sing now because these fucking singers have been taking years and years and years and years of their lives and sacrificed relationships, marriages, relationships with their kids, fucking friendships. And then for somebody like me to come along and be like,

oh, I'm going to sing now. That's the most disrespectful shit ever. So don't do comedy if you don't do comedy. That's mainly the fucking thing i'm not gonna fucking sell a house not a realtor not a realtor hey if i fucking walk up and down the block and i say and i say hey you guys want to buy a house people be like oh uh what you know aren't you the comedian yeah yeah yeah but right now i sell houses because i chose to today it doesn't work like that pay your dues pay your dues dude that's my psa for today pay your fucking dues Dude, that's my PSA for today.

Pay your fucking dues. Yeah, I don't know. So that's what we were talking about. What do you guys think? You can tell me. You can tell me on the hashtag congratulations pod. You can do that if you want. And, by the way, as you noticed in the last episode, in the episode before that maybe, yeah, we got some sponsors. And that's how it's going to be.

That's how it's going to fucking be. Sometimes people are tweeting me now saying, oh, man, dude, don't do, you know, don't talk about. Now it really sucks. You got fucking, you know, you got to do sponsors and you got to do commercials in your fucking. Hey, my question for you is, why the fuck did you think I started doing this goddamn podcast? Huh? Got a serious question for you. Why the mother fuck do you think I started to do this podcast?

Huh? What'd you think? It was to entertain you? You goddamn self-centered piece of shit? Or was it to get that fucking Skrilla? Was it to stack chips? Or was it to make sure that your work day was better for 40 minutes? Or was it to literally back up the Brinks truck and pile Gouda into my garage. This is how life is. Don't tweet me. Oh man, sucks you got sponsors.

I'm trying to back up the Brinks truck. Dude, sorry you got to listen to 15 seconds of me hawking a potato fast forward it bye i gotta back up the brinks truck okay so if you start hearing ads on my fucking podcast which by the way is free for you. Then just know when you're hearing those ads, I'm hearing beep, beep, beep, beep. Cause the Brinks trucks backing up. Okay. So fucking sit back, relax, listen, all the free shit okay stop complaining

because what you're doing is being an ingrate now you got lots of problems of course you got lots of problems that's why you're somebody who takes to Twitter and complains about commercials. But I'm busy piling up that blue cheese. Okay? Yeah. This is why I do it, dude. This is why I do it. So, yeah.

A lot of people, oh, man. Don't spend that much time talking about it. Bye. Turn around. Yeah. Dude, if you tweet about how I shouldn't have commercials, turn around. All right? Speaking of turning around, last time we did a big thing about fucking how United should turn around.

And look what happened. Dude, look what happened today. A fucking guy got limp bodied, dragged off a fucking commuter jet because he wouldn't give up his seat. Now, this is another thing we were talking about on my text message chain, dude. All right. One of my close friends was pissing me off a great deal, because he said the guy should have just got up off the plane when security got on the plane.

All right. Here's what happened. If you don't know what happened, United, the piece of shit airline, piece of shit airways, united the piece of shit airline piece of shit airways fuck boy airs fucking united fucking wipe my asshole airline overbook their flights because they always do now that shouldn't be a thing period don't overbook don't sell something you don't have hey dude do you guys want to buy you guys want to buy? Do you guys want to buy watches? Send me a bunch of money and I'll send you the watches.

And then when you send me the monies, oh, don't have watches. Can't do that. It's illegal. All right. So these people are selling seats that they don't have. They don't have them. There's 200 seats on an airplane or whatever. And they sell fucking 300.

I don't know what the fuck they do, but don't do it. All right. Now, a lot of these airlines do that. That's not cool. But United does it so fucking much. And we know that because they're the worst pieces of shit airline running by cats. Okay. Now, they overbooked. And when they overbook, you hear this a lot on the overcom.

You'll get some fucking person who can barely speak English. Overcom, you'll get some fucking person who can barely speak English that's like... United has to say that they have overbought their fly. So what we want to do is we would like to offer a voucher for $25 and a hotel, but you stay at the kitchen of DoubleTree. And you will be able to leave in five days instead of right now. And everybody goes like this. No. And then they say, hello, nobody took the bait.

So what we're going to do is we're going to sell the voucher. We're adding the voucher. By the way, we're not offering you money we're just giving you a voucher so you can take this shitty airline later but we have changed it from 25 to 26 and um we're going to put you up a little bit nicer we're not going to put you up in the kitchen of the double tree we're going to put you up in the um right outside of the uh um sundry shop we're going to put you right outside the sundry shop we're going to give you free toothpaste and you get to leave in four days now instead of today and instead of five days four days then when no one takes that debate they're like okay we basically gonna fuck you in the ass and uh

throw you off the plane bye that's what happened what happened was nobody took the fucking vouchers and then they got by the way this was already when they were on the plane and then they got randomly selected four people to get off the plane and one guy wouldn't go, so security came on and fucking took the guy off. Literally. They bashed his face against the fucking armrest and then dragged his limp body off of the plane. Now, that's awful. And that's 100% obvious. Don't bash a guy's face on the plane. That's pretty much how it goes.

And don't drag someone off the plane plane that's pretty much how it goes and don't drag someone off the plane that's pretty much how it goes now here's the worst part they needed the seats united needed the seats for fucking united staff to get to another airport now that's one of the worst parts okay uh but now they my point is offer more money until the guy wants to get off the plane you sold me some shit now i have it now it's up to you to fucking buy it back if you want now i know there's a bunch of fine print and shit but we don't live in a fucking world where people read the fucking fine print and i know i'm starting to sound like a little bit like alex jones but dude don't you sell me something i don't give a fuck what the fine print says it's mine okay

you cheap motherfucking bitch ass air airline. Take. Do you want it back? Give me more than fucking $35. They offered him $800. This guy was a doctor trying to get back to his patients on Monday. And he couldn't fucking. He said no.

So security came out and dragged him off. Now, all that being said. All that being said, this guy who was dragged off of the airplane was the bitch of the week. Okay? He screamed. He screamed. Hey, you grown man, don't scream. Don't scream because security came and fucking tried to take you off the plane.

The guy screamed like a bitch. Look at the video. He went, ah, ah, ah. And then they dragged him. His limp. He went limp. He went limp. And they dragged him.

They rolled him off. Like it was like chicken. Like they just dragged him. Oh my God, he looked so bitch. My brother took some screenshots and sent them to me. The guy, I'm going to post them on Twitter. They're fucking hilarious. This guy's in his 40s or 50s acting like a victim, which he was a victim. But come on, bro.

Pull your nuts down. This fucking guy. Pull your fucking nuts down, dude. And, yo, don't, I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't have got off that goddamn plane.

There's no fucking way. I would have done it, I would have took it to Twitter or some shit. But man, no, dude, make it worth my while. I don't know.

Everyone was sending me this shit because I always talk shit about United. And then so everyone tweeted it to me. And I looked at it first thing in the morning. And the guy screamed like a bitch. And how about those fucking women, the housewife women that were just like, No! No! Hey, shut the fuck up.

No! You're so coddled, you know, I would have been laughing my fucking balls out of my asshole. If that, if I saw that, you know what I would have done? I would have fucking, I have the, this is what I have this on my phone for me for things like this. I have the mission impossible theme song and I would have played it on my phone. You would have fucking heard it. The guy would have been like, no, no, no. And then I just would have held my phone up, and it would have went.

And it would have, you know, I would have played that. You would have heard that on the video if I was on the plane. And that would have been know i would have played that you would have heard that on the video if i was on the plane and that would have been the best part that some fucking guy was trying to get off the plane and they couldn't get him off the plane and that was the mission impossible oh man with his limp body. Everyone's a fucking victim, but this guy is going to get money. I hope this guy gets fucking money. I hope United.

I hope this guy sues United. In fact, I want to sue United for having the distress of having to see that video. Fuck United. After that leggings bullshit, fuck United forever. I'm not even complaining. I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to give you motherfuckers. What's right. Also,

this is a cult. It's not a podcast, man. You in my cult, you understand you fucking understand. Um, Coachella is coming up and I want everybody to not go so that's it I'm not even going to spend a lot of time on this I just feel like

it's one of those things man it's one of those things that people just jump on because they jump on and then stagecoach is a big thing too, of the people who are like, yeah, not Coachella, but we're going to listen to country. Hey, hey, this is the thing. Let's be out in 107 degree weather where people literally die just for being there. Let's dress up in hot, dumb as shit outfits. Let's dance like morons around people who are on Molly,

on bands that are definitely terrible that you can for sure listen to more clearly if you just got them on iTunes and listened to them in your car. Let's be with one million people doing that. Now all that is awful. But then, as if that's not bad enough on a Coachella, let's replace that awful music with country music

the week later and go to stagecoach. Now let me make something very clear. I talk in a lot of absolutes and a lot of hyperboles. Because it's funny. Do I really believe all of it? I don't know. That's up for you to decide. But let's stop the comedy right now and for four seconds while i say

this let's make it real if you like country you're dumb back to comedy all right now i don't care how you're listening to it all right i understand i you know i don't care i don't care how you're listening to it i right i understand i you know i don't care i don't care how you're listening to it i don't give a fuck i don't care if you think it's funny i don't care if you think it's good i don't care if you think yeah i get it i get what it is but still put it on no you bad person turn around dude and then and then people say to me, but you haven't listened to the good country. Yeah, I have. What's the good country?

What is it? Fucking Hank Williams? Is that what they say in 1940? All right, fine. That's it. Him. That's it. He fucking, if you started some bullshit and you fucking made it and then it turned into

some bullshit, then fine. But that's it. You're not going to fucking play me some shit. I walked out on him. Brown. I walked out on him. Brown. I walked out on him. Brown burned his fucking house down. Brown. That's a fucking song. If you're a woman and if you're, if you're a woman and country, that's your song. If you're a fucking guy in in country it's listen to music with me in my car on the fucking hill while we look at on the city i'm just a fucking country boy brown suck copious cucumbers. You fucking bitch ass.

We're listening in the back of my car. We're listening to music. Somebody else wrote the song and then they sold it to me. And then you're like, yeah, no, it's bad. But, you know, it's still, it's still what this is, ha, ha, ha, turn around, dude, walked out on him, brown, burned his fucking house down, brown, only thing I liked about him was his dog, brown, shut up, it's bad. It's formulaic. It's bad.

Country music, dude. How Canadian is it to like country music too? Dude. I just, I just. That don't impress me much. How, how, how? I love that. That song was the beginning of when I was like, what the fuck is going on?

When she's like, so. Because here's why that song doesn't make any fucking sense. Because she says, oh, you're a rocket scientist or whatever the fuck. That don't impress me much. How, how, how? And then she says huh so she comes up with all these extravagant things that would absolutely impress you if you'd never got a lobotomy if you never fucking were an absolute insane person and she says all these things like huh so you finished school in four weeks huh you can wash a car without using soap and water it's impressive no matter what i don't remember

what the examples were but huh you fucked a bird and now you gave birth to a human bird hybrid that don't impress me much yet does yet does okay so she comes up with all these extravagant fucking things you built a tv out of twine and starburst that don't impress yet does that's me scratching the record yet does some you know what i want somebody to do out there make the song and then have it stop every time she says that don't impress me much and then fucking put me in there and have it go like this yeah it does somebody please do that i'll fucking shit crying laughing um what's that yeah oh oh yeah that's what she says so you're brad pitt huh that don't yet does who did shania twain marry by the way anybody she probably married fucking

christian bale so you're brad pitt huh that's oh the oh the biggest movie star in the world doesn't impress you much bye dude don't be a dick about it don't be a fucking don't put down brad pitt brad pitt or that song was like oh that's kind of fucking it kind of stings so here's what the fucking this is make all the examples you want but the last one she says is this is what drives me fucking nuts. So you got a car. Dude, hey, start with that one, you fucking asshole. That's actually not impressive. So you ate a salad.

I mean, what? So, you know what a wall is. What are you talking about? She starts off with the fucking all the shit. So, you took down Bin Laden, huh? So, you learned how to resolve conflict without using missiles and then so you saw a dog you saw a dog once huh doesn't impress you well no shit having a car doesn't impress you but all the other stuff does

so don't end with the car thing so then at at the end of the song, all the fucking women are like, yeah, that doesn't start with the car thing, dude. Start with the fucking car thing. Then get to Brad Pitt. Then get to the rocket scientist. And you won't have as many women on board with you. Don't trick the women, dude. Don't trick the fucking women. It does impress you.

I know what you're doing, Shania Twain. I know what you're fucking doing. All this shit. All this fucking... God. God. I just... Who, like... Well, I don't even know how I got to country.

Oh, yeah, stagecoach, dude. Stagecoach. God, any, the excuse to wear an outfit is what drives me nuts. If you like, I think 65% of these people are go, when I see people, did you get your on, on, cause I don't hear these people talk cause I would never be around these people.

But did you get your Coachella outfit? Like it's a fucking, I got a question. Oh, you got a Coachella outfit. Why do you have an outfit? You're just going outside to hang out around a bunch of fucking people uh oh yeah you got an outfit why you got an outfit what is it

is are you hey you gonna play hey what hey what fucking black box theater you're going to oh you're not going to coachella you're going to a black box theater and you're going to perform for me. Now, you know, I got to tell you guys something about this underwear I've been wearing and it's MeUndies and it's actually amazing. Now, I know that, you know, I'm like telling you about this because it's an ad. But I am also telling you that it's amazing underwear. It's actually the only underwear I wear. I have so many different pairs. They're all different colors. And they're very cool.

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So yeah. Remember what I said about ads? You think that I'm not going to do those? Yeah. You got another thing coming, man. And by the way, you're going to get that shit too because it's good. I'm only going to do the good ones, I think.

So far, I've only done the good ones. So yeah, I was, by the way, I was at the, did you hear that? I just cracked my neck. I wonder if you heard that shit. I was at the, I walked by a pet store recently because they were selling, not selling, but they had like dogs for adoption and shit like that. But they also had like, so I guess it wasn't a pet. So I don't know what it was, but it had like all sorts of shit, like snakes and shit. Hey, who has a snake?

Who has a pet snake? Who has a fucking pet snake? Who has a pet snake? Number one. Number two, if you want a pet snake, you don't walk by a pet store and you're like, huh, you know, I bet a snake would be a good thing to have. And what if you left the house and you were like going to get a coffee and you walk by a pet store and you came home with a snake and your wife was like, um, it's over. and your wife was like, um, it's over. Honestly, I have two dogs.

I want to punt them. If I had a snake, dude, anyone who has a pet snake deserves to get bitten by that snake for sure. And deserves to lose the snake and then be like, where's the snake in my house and deserves to be terrified. Who has a lizard? Who has a pet tarantula? Who has bugs, dude? You get a dog. You get a dog, you get a cat.

That's it. You don't get a fucking snake. All right? You know why you don't get a snake? Because you get a dog or a cat. Do you have a gerbil? Get a snake. Have the snake eat the gerbil.

Then get rid of the snake. That's how we do that. That's how we do that. Do you have a snake? Be in India. Okay. Are you in Southern California? Are you in Milwaukee? Move. You can't have a snake pet snake. If you're fucking, if you're in America, I don't give a fuck. Very weird. I watched this, uh, speaking of animals, I watched this documentary type thing where, uh, um, like these violins, the Stradivari violins were like, some of them cost like $15 million for a violin. Like what kind of a guy do you have to be that loves violins that fucking

would pay $15 million for a violin? and i was learning why the violins were so expensive and it's because they were made while the time of year in like the early 1900s i think it was i wasn't really paying attention because it was a documentary about violins but um it was uh they were saying that the the the reason why it was so expensive was because the sound was so good when they were made because the trees were growing really slowly and the when the trees grow real slow the wood is more is dense it's more dense it's denser more dense more dense i think anyway um uh so um they also were made uh because these this guy was like making a bunch of limited uh violins with spider uh web um the the strings were made of like some kind of spider silk which was like it was like how fucking bored are we

as the human race to fucking be like to have figured this out you know like we've come such a long way we've built houses and great like that that some guys like let's use the dense wood we'll make the fucking violins and let's use spider to even figure out let's squeeze spiders and make fucking an instrument um so they they made these violins and in this time period of this year these few years they were the best violins ever now they go for like 50 they go for millions of dollars and the the thing is they can, so they figured out that these strings were really good because of the spider silk, but you can't farm spiders because they are territorial,

and if you put them all in the amount of, the guy was saying if you put them all together, then they'll kill each other. It'll be like a fucking scene from 300 until there's only enough spiders that they have enough space to live. Right. So this one guy, this scientist or just lunatic decided to inject goat embryos with spider silk genome. And fucking the, then the goats would reproduce and then the fucking goats would come out and in their milk they would have spider silk and they would produce fucking thousands of fucking, thousands of, I don't want to say pounds, you know, whatever the fuck, whatever the liquid, the liquid one in ounces or i don't know what it what it was but of of spider silk and then they can make all these violins sounding amazing hey how bored are we as a human race it just got even worse spiders like we can't

farm spiders hey dude that's the end of that well we can't farm spiders well okay i guess we're not going to make the best sounding violins that the common ear can't even listen distinguish but some guy was like you know i'm bored enough i bet i could make it work with goats goats how bored do you have to be how many episodes of chopped have you seen to where you're like okay i'm gonna try and have fucking spider silk injected in goats to see if goats can produce spider silk so violins can sound better. That's a sentence that came true. Because a guy saw too many episodes of Chopped Junior. Before I decide how to make a violin sound better with goat milk, I've seen everything on Amazon, Hulu, fucking Crackle. Dude, I've seen everything on Crunchyroll.

Okay? I've seen everything on iTunes. I've seen everything on YouTube. I've watched that fucking Kevin Hart comedy app that he tried to launch. I've seen every video on that. I re-downloaded Vine. Even though it's dead, I saw every Vine video. loaded vine even though it's dead i saw every vine video i went to japan and only saw the fucking you know apps you can get there and then and only then i decided to make violin sound better with

goats how bored are we bored are we and by the way everyone got cured from cancer aids and also tuberculosis and polio everyone's got all their limbs we've regenerated everything the paralyzed paralyzed people were paralyzed can now walk again we've figured out a way to restore hair growth and make tits bigger naturally, pussies tighter and dicks bigger, and then, and only then, we decided to make violins sound better with goats and spiders. I mean, come on, what are we doing, dude?

What the fuck are we doing? What are we doing? Hey, I got a question for that guy who figured that out. What you doing? I want to fly to that area, wherever it is. Definitely not in a city. You know why? You know why you know it's not in a city. You know why? You know why you know it's not in a city?

Because you know what cities have? Things to do. This guy was far away from lots of sex, far away from the internet, and was like, what do I do? Saw goats, heard a violin, and went ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Hey, guess what? Hey, guess if the guy's 12 or 70.

He's 70. You know why you know? Because he's bored as shit dude oh man i watch this documentary with my mouth open and my dick out just because it's disrespectful i gotta take my dick out for this. Can't watch this show with my fucking dick in my pants because I have no respect for it. You know what? It's actually, that's a joke. I really do have respect for somebody.

I don't give a shit what you do as long as it's not hurting anybody and also you're passionate about it. Dude, I hope that guy makes the most brilliant fucking violins of all time and they go for millions and millions and millions of dollars. But also, get some stuff to do. You made violins sound better with goats and spiders? You weird. Hey, guy, you probably haven't had that much sex. Hey, guy. Amazing, dude.

I don't know I don't know how it I don't know how you do that I don't know how you god the focus you know what else did they have on the show

I was watching what show was it? By the way, it was called fuck. It's probably in my, and then let me go on Netflix to see what I watched recently. Uh, Oh, I love how they change. They keep changing the app icons by the way. So you never know what you're fucking looking for. That's awesome. When YouTube turned white, the app turned white and now i can never find youtube remember when it was red for 90 years and then all of a sudden they made it fucking white now i can't find it um recently watched come on babies recently watched come on

babies oh naturally i can't find recently watched. That's very cool. Oh, here we go. New releases trending now. TV shows. Continue watching. Here it is. Weird wonders of the world.

There's like 47 episodes of it. I've watched all those episodes, by the way, before I decided to make violin sound better with spider silk in goats. Um, speaking of Netflix, my Netflix special comes out this summer, man on fire. Um, I had shows in Oxnard this past weekend, Oxnard, California. Where is it? Hey, I got a question for you, Oxnard. Where are you? It's so funny. I would ask who was at every show, had hundreds of people at it. And every time I asked, hey, who's from here? 14 people would clap. Not, where is it? Where are you? Who lives here?

Lots of buildings. Who lives here? So we did shows there. And by the way, the staff and the management at the Oxnard, the Levity Live Club in Oxnard is maybe the best staff and management i've ever dealt with they're great if you want to go i'm sure they're good with the customers too i mean if you want to go to a comedy club and they're great uh i don't know who performs there all the time i know i did uh this past weekend but man it's great it's a great club um so they'll take care of you. If you're in Oxnard, check it out.

And I'll tell you what. Sometimes I do VIP like meet and greets afterwards for like a few of the people. Everybody there was like the nicest to deal with. Like the people there were great in Oxnard. And they were just so nice and pleasant and not that drunk and just fucking appreciative i didn't know it was going to be like that but they were fucking awesome man uh and the security there was awesome but uh i had to throw uh one girl out man of the show and she was in the front row. And I went on stage. First of all, my opener went up.

And he said, yo, you got to be quiet. And then my feature went up. And he said, shut up to her like two or three times. So I said to the security, I was like, just so you know, that lady right there is giving people trouble. If I say one thing to her, you got to throw her out because you've already been warned about four or five times. So I was in the middle of doing a bit about, you know, something. It was in the beginning of my act. And she goes, hey, Chris, like, like, it's just me and her in a room together with no one else.

She says, hey, Chris, do the drunk girls a bit. And so I said, I literally looked at her. I stopped what I was doing. I looked at her. I said, hey, you got to really gotta gotta go can you throw her out please and everyone got super weird because it was uncomfortable I guess which I don't get uncomfortable because I love it because you know there's something nice about because I know I'm making the show better. I know if she exits, then everyone else gets to watch the show they want to watch and doesn't have some fucking idiot yelling out.

Now, she was perplexed when I threw her out. She was dumbfounded. She wasn't angry. She was like, What? What? And I was like, yeah, you got to go, man. My opener three or four times. I think it was more than that. They were like, they told you to be quiet. You just got to go. Bye. And they, it took three minutes and I just stood there and it was silent and it was fucking, it felt good because I

knew that after this, this show was going to be better. And she, she was like looking at the people she was with. She was like, you, you're going to come with me, right? It was sad, sad, but I don't give a fuck, dude. You can't talk at a comedy show because you're not the comedian. Laugh and don't laugh. That's it. Two rules. Laugh, don't laugh. Dude, you're not going to give me suggestions.

Oh, my goddamn jukebox. First of all, that drunk girl's bit is five years old. I don't even know it anymore. If you fucking heckle, you get thrown out. I don't even know it anymore. If you fucking heckle, you get thrown out. I don't know why people don't know this man, but this lady, dude,

she was, you're going to come with me, right? Oh, it felt fucking weird and good. It made me feel alive. And then one lady went with her, but her other friends didn't because they were like,

fuck that. I paid to see this guy. It was awesome. And it was weird for like 10 minutes after that i had to get back on track oh man i wonder what i always wonder what that person wakes up the next day thinking because you know obviously she was drunk but i wonder what she you know so many of them are like that wasn't cool what he did i just asked him i just gave him a suggestion it's just don't you can't do that man i have a feeling most of the people who listen to this podcast probably know not to do that but dude i'm i'm going to throw you out if you if you're

heckling that's what's going to happen and here's the other thing too it's it's always oh well no not always but it's 95 percent of the time an attractive woman it's it is and you can say oh that's not cool or whatever but it is i'm the comedian it's 95% of the time an attractive woman. And I feel like it's because people don't fucking tell them no. They don't tell them. They don't put them in their place because they give them everything. And guys say, oh, yeah, okay. Oh, no, you can do what you want because they want to fuck that girl.

Yeah, okay. Oh, no, you can do what you want. Because they want to fuck that girl. And if you come to my show and you do that, bye. Because guess what? I'm not going to fuck you anyway. You came with someone else and I'm doing my job. You got to go, dude.

You got to go, dude. You got to go. You know, and, and, and, and, and, uh, you know, that goes back to the thing I was saying earlier about how, like, be respectful. If you're going to fucking don't, don't all of a sudden think you're hilarious and make funny videos. You got to fucking pay your dues. You got to go on stage. You got to fucking, you got videos you got to fucking pay your dues you got to go on stage you got to fucking you got you got to be funny you can't just be and then all of a sudden be a fucking realtor so if you're going to a comedy show you got to know how to be you can't fucking just you know guys telling you guys oh you're great you're great you're amazing you're amazing oh that's oh, you're great. You're great. You're amazing.

You're amazing. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, you're good. Oh, you're fucking. Yeah, you can do that. Of course you can. Yeah. Get away with murder.

Yeah, you're hot because you cleavage. No, you, that's on you, dude. That's on you to check yourself. It's hard as fuck, but it's still on you, dude. Those guys are fucking idiots who do that. Those guys are morons. They got their own shit to work out, but that's on you, dude. Those guys are fucking idiots who do that. Those guys are morons. They got their own shit to work out, but that's on you to know how to be in a fucking room. Because you got brain.

Because you know what else? Even though you got cleavage, you got brain. You got eyes. You got ears. That's on you. Um, every time I, I throw a chick out too.

I always look at the dude cause it's so fun. Some guy was, I, one time I threw, this was a months ago. I threw a, I threw someone out. I threw the same thing.

A woman that was, you know that was fairly attractive heckled me. And I actually don't even remember what she looked like. But a guy goes, a guy said, I said, you got to go. Leave. And she started leaving. And I was like, how do you feel, dude? I was like, you probably feel really funny right now because you uh you gotta like be on her side and shit and and even though you know she's wrong but you gotta because you're her guy

you know and i was fucking laughing at this shit i was saying this on stage and uh it was totally weird but it was totally fucking funny because to me because i was like i was like you feel so bunched up right now because she's your girl and you got to stand by her and you got to leave with her, right? Are you going to stay? Even though you know she's wrong, you got to stand by her. I love it, dude. I love it. Dude, if I brought a girl to a comedy show and she heckled the comedian, guess what I'm

doing? Sitting. I'm staying. See ya. sitting i'm staying see ya hey hey lady whoever i brought you can either uber home or wait outside of the comedy club club until the show's over then i'll take you home dude i i would love it i could be with the girl for seven years she could could be my wife. If she heckled by wait outside, I'll be done when the show's over. Oh man. I should have, you know what I should have actually when people heckle, I should have United Airlines staff as my security and they should just

come in and bash whoever's facing against an armrest and then drag their limp bodied out their limp bodies out fuck united dude remember remember that don't don't lose wind of that i wish somebody was there to play the Mission Impossible theme song. All right, I'm going to go on Twitter. I'm going to look at these hashtags, see if anybody gamed the system or if they didn't. Here we go. All right, I'm looking at some of these ones uh oh somebody reminded me about the pepsi commercial austin lion at austin b lion very cool good good job bud on the handle all right here's the deal with the pepsi commercial pepsi commercial was was actually the worst commercial in history it was the number one worst commercial in history um

it was horrible it was so ridiculous it was so offensive i mean people are people are dying cops white cops are beating up black citizens and kendall and and they're pro and people are protesting all sorts of shit nowadays and protesting real issues and these cops are just kind of like watching and kendall jenner hands this cop a pepsi and everything's all good and then everyone cheers um but here's the deal with the pepsi commercial now pepsi put that commercial out there as if as if they're a bunch of fucking morons i mean this is what these ads this is what i was talking about earlier in this in the previous episode these ads just make a better fucking ad. You want people to buy Pepsi? Just, it's easy, dude.

Fuck you, it's easy. Just get better commercials. You got too many people thinking about this shit. And then it turns into this fucking, oh, we'll get Kendall Jenner and she'll give a cup of Pepsi and everything will be okay. Huh? But here's the thing about it. Everyone fucking went nuts. This was the worst move.

Pepsi not only apologized, which maybe they should have apologized. Fine. But they fucking struck it. They said, we're not going to air it anymore. You motherfucker. You make your bed. You air that commercial until it fucking runs down until it's over. You don't disrespect me by

by saying oh never never mind never mind we'll take it down you bitch-ass pepsi um what show are you watching on netflix right now amber smith at amber bap pamba and change it i uh i told you it was that uh wonders of the world or whatever it was it's pretty it was pretty good um even though they were talking about violins for way too long um uh so i got another uh here. I get this one a lot, actually. Joe Crawford, at Joe O'Croft. Pretty good. When are you coming to the UK? I don't know, man. The problem with the UK and the overseas is you don't make as much money the first time around.

No matter how big you are, they like to be like, well, he's never played over here technically. So we can't, you know, we don't know. It's like everyone's got the internet. All right. The shows are all over the place don't don't give me that shit but i am going to australia because i'm just sucking it up i want to go um so i'll be in uk soon i want to i mean i don't know about soon but i want to go there i do want to go there i just want you know it's like i can when you can make more money going to milwaukee than you can for going to london it's like it's a little bit tougher so that's the reason why I haven't been yet.

Let's look here. Leo, oh, an update on Leo. I don't think I have an update on Leo. I should text him. But I saw. Uh, I don't think I have an update on Leo. I should text him, but I saw a man. I went to his last Instagram and like 48 people commented on it. He's got like two followers, 48 people commented on it. Saws. Yeah. Um, he's the French guy that I texted. If you don't remember, um, what's the ugliest city I've ever been to? Congratulations, Pod.

Mythical Gabby. Mythical Gabrielle. That's okay, I guess. Ugliest city I've ever been to? I would say, what's that one near Boston? Mansfield? I think that's no man. Man's field.

Oh, you know where it is. It's where the basketball hall of fame is of fame. Where is that located? I'm looking right now. Uh, Springfield. Springfield, Massachusetts. Yep.

That's what the worst city I've ever been to. And I was actually there. I was actually there for the Basketball Hall of Fame inductee, and it was still, blah, blah, blah, boring. Jacksonville is not good either. Jacksonville, Florida. But there's probably so many worse cities. I just haven't been.

I'm just talking about cities that I've been to, bigger cities that I've been to. Everybody's asking me about the fucking, uh, United Airlines. This guy, every now and then someone says, Hey, can you post a picture of you and Dr. Dre? Just look, use your eyes, use looking. I did already. Um, Chris, what do you think when you're talking with a friend and someone tells you to watch your language?

This is by at Benjamin at Ben underscore underscore yes underscore Johnson, Benjamin Johnson. And he writes gaming the system. Yeah, that's never do that. If somebody says watch your language, I swear more. That's just horrible, dude. You're an adult. You know, you're an adult. You can handle that.

You can handle if I say fuck. You can handle if I say shit. You can handle if I say shit. You can handle if I say cunt. And that's a real bad one. You know why you can handle that? Because you're an adult. So, and you know, there's worse things. All right.

Well, so look, thanks for listening. My rude boys and my side tings. I got to do some other tings after this, so I'm a little bit busy. Sorry I can't stay longer than an hour this time, but it's been 57 minutes so far, and I've got to tend to some tings, okay? Now, let's recap. Don't sing if you're not a singer. Again, we talked about that. Don't get a snake, naturally.

don't sing if you're not a singer again we talked about that don't get a snake naturally um and uh watch that thing on the on the thing on the netflix is what i was talking about about uh the violin shit it's really interesting the wonders of the world um and uh yeah there'll be ads there will continue to be ads and because trying to back i'm trying to back up the brinks truck okay i'm trying to pile all this gooda, all right? So if you're mad that I have 40-second ads on my shit, change it. Use a different, listen to a different podcast. Guess what? There'll be ads on those, all right?

So thank you for listening. Um, so, uh, uh, thank you for listening until the next ad, uh, until the next podcast, the, uh, the, uh, episode 12, that'll be the first episode 12 we ever did. Um, and, um, uh, that's it. Don't forget to download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Do that because it's the best app for transferring money from each other to each other. I've got upcoming show dates coming up. ChrisDelia.com, Australia, Arizona. What do you call it?

Palm Beach, West Palm Beach. Tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod. And listen, rate and review the show. That will help. And I'm serious. You're probably like, no, I'm not going to do that. But do that. As soon as this ends, which is now, just go rate and review the show.

It's so easy and it helps me. We are now on Stitcher. So for all of you guys that like to complain about all the stuff that we're on and that we're not on, we're kind of on all of it. All right. Google Play. Right. Stitcher. iTunes.

YouTube. We're on the YouTubes. One time I had a guy say, hey, you got any cool YouTubes? You got any new YouTubes for me to watch? And it was funny. And I laughed. All right. Thank you very much.

You guys listen to Congratulations, the podcast. I'm Chris D'Elia. I'll see you when we see you. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker. Congratulations, motherfucking Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you, fucking fucker. Motherfucker right here.

Motherfucking child. Motherfucker.