Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 114. Congratulations with Theo Von

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Subscribe to This Past Weekend with Theo Von on Apple Podcasts: https://apple.co/2I1DNPS (or your favorite place to listen to podcasts) Aprils Fools! On today's show, Theo Von sits in as a surprise guest host and brings quite a few rumors about Chris with him. Also discussed: Mike Lenoci, orgasmic meditation, and a bunch of other Theo Von brand nonsense. Plus, we do a New Orleans edition of Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. What's up, babies? Congratulations!

What's up, babies? Stepdaddies here. Dang, bro, I'm up here at the frickin' log cabin. The log cave-in, bro. This guy lives on a hill, man. I would never build something something up here i can't even tell you where we guys are i am in i had to drive here you know i got an uber actually they got a new thing out here in la uber twink and you got a sexy little dude who you know hadn't really made a you know all of the choices in his own heart and in his own sexuality and he drove me up here and um bro i'm at uh chris delia right here what is this shit spanish bro congratulations get the fuck out dude, this guy is rich, bro, I fucking sprained my ankle, stepped in a pot of gold,

walking down the hallway on accident, the neighbors, bro, I, I, look, happy April Fool's, let me start right there, I don't know what happened, man, I just woke up here, it's like a time warp, um, and, uh, and I'm gonna be the guide today i got controls over everything boy look at these let me hear this thing right there uh-oh what is that dude somebody spilled a milk uh-oh one of the babies spilled the milk what what's up babies my? My babies, huh? Daddy's home. Who wants a little breast milk? Uh-oh.

Spilt some. Uh-oh. Spilt some milk. Good to be here, man. It is rich out here, bro. I went outside and got fucking hit in the face by a checkbook bro somebody fucking two dudes rolled up white guys out here and fucking beat me with a couple of hard check dude one of his neighbors rapunzel okay aunt jemima the third, bro. Rumor Wilson. The dude's got fucking rich neighbors. Bro, I went across the street, knocked on the door.

It's a Wells Fargo, bro. With a pool in the back. In the back. DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled is fucking retarded, bro. Why would you have DJ Khaled out here? What is that? I think this is what Chris plays probably when he takes a urine.

DJ Khaled! We the best! We taking over! Who wants a sip of daddy's limonada, baby? Calm down, babies. Stepdad's here. Good to be here, man. First, I want to dispel a couple of rumors about Chris D'Elia.

First of all, a lot of people have said there's rumors going around that Chris bought a college and shut it down, bro. Okay. Doesn't make a diploma. I heard that that is true, man. There's also rumors that Chris invested three million dollars in Theranos. Okay. And fucking lost it, baby. Doesn't make a drop. A lot of poor choices by the one and only Chris D'Elia.

There's a rumor that Chris D'Elia's feet are very small, but his shoes are very big. Does it make Ronald McDonald? But those are just rumors, guys. Let's press this one. What does this do? Oh. Chris hired a fucking group of old men to laugh at his jokes. Unbelievable.

We don't have that. We have real laughter, all natural laughter made out of the heart. Good to be here, man. Welcome to Congratulations Podcast. This podcast brought to you by the Cash App. Get your cash. Bing, bing. Let me press this one oh wow unbelievable dude how rich are you you don't want to pronounce a letter of the fucking alphabet guy oh you know the vowels. A, E, I. Oh. And sometimes you, bruh.

Unbelievable guy. This guy, dude. There's all kinds of magic stuff in here. Good to be here. Happy April, fools. It's April, you know. So if you haven't been fucking paying attention, guys, now's the time. And I got to tell you some things recently that have just been pissing me off. First of all,

people are still fucking drinking milk. Are you kidding me, guy? Get something else, right? Let me hit this one. Oh, wow. What is that one? Oh, somebody works at a mercantile, huh? Oh, you want a little, you want a half pint of butter? I got you, boo-boo. And here's another one. Eh, change it. Eh, change it. Eh, change it.

Eh, change it. Oh, that one's pretty good hi bye hi bye oh it's japanese hi bye hi bye good to be here man april fools dude i'm in here in the chris delia domicile man it's crazy butters and fucking segue or whatever that other little dog's name are here man they got them on a uh weekly lease this week so you know they're up here taking photos one of them apparently had uh had a stroke and they had to replace it so we're on i think on segue the second that's chris doing yard work dude they had a six thousand dollar plant out in the front yard. It has a price tag still on it. Unthinkable.

Let's press this one. Oh, I like this. A little bit of Johnny Cash, huh? Welcome, guys, to the Log Cabin and Daddy's here to help you do some sucking and fucking. In case you don't have anything to do with your downtime today. No, it's nice, man. It's nice to come, you know, over here to Chris D'Elia's Damasal. I'm happy that he let us in here congratulations podcast decent podcast probably one of the top six or seven hundred podcasts out there um you may have heard of it if you haven't your first time listening you came because i'm here oh wow free black friends when you press that one, huh? Unbelievable, dude.

Unbelievable. What is this one? Yakuda. Yakuda. Yakuda. That's good. Oh, I like this. Diddle-in-den-den-den.

That's pretty good, man. Dude, you don't even need Crystal. You just got a couple of fucking buttons. I don't even know what to talk about, man. I feel so out of place here a little bit, man. I mean, everything here is nice, dude. They got real wood on the table. You know, they don't have a lot of the...

We've had bed bugs in our studio recently. So we've had a couple of issues going on. And actually, it's been a blessing to be here because we needed to get some extermination going on on our side of the net. So I am happy to have that. But it's nice to be here in the two-time runner-up TFATK Guest of the Year studio. You know, you don't know what it's like. Usually, you've got to come down from the hills to fucking spend time, you know, with the second level, with the second tier.

But this time, we had to drive up here. here man they had two unicorns in the yard some guy shot one right in front of us for no reason he said he was sick um a lot of crazy stuff going on up here real art uh uh samuel rembrandt the 70th was in the hallway painting when i walked in like there's a lot of shit going on here the mirrors here at chris's when you walk and you look in them, it's him looking back at you. You don't fucking, you want your reflection. You better fucking go down the hills, guys. Doesn't make a reflection. You got to get the real shit, boy.

Turn around. Yeah. If you want to fucking, you want to look at yourself turn around and go home okay because daddy's here to breastfeed the fucking babies making milk with my dick what else boy this is good man and we got my boy uh one higher here what's up papa how are you today good and so what what do you notice is different today about the studio? Just me. Okay, cool.

So, and what do I do? What should I do right now if I'm Chris? Like, what am I? Okay. I'll bring up a YouTube. Okay. I'll bring up a youtube okay i'll bring up a youtube guy all right i had fucking had to spend the whole weekend with fucking lenochi who doesn't know how to walk correctly i don't know if you've seen him on my instagram walking fucking go back to fucking walk school okay can you bring up the youtube video of the uh there's an afric's an African American gentleman going in number two.

And there's an older white gentleman looking under the YouTube, under the stall at him. And he busts that guy. That fucking straight up duty lurker. Let's see that man right here. That's it right there. Toilet, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. That is something else, boy.

That's the dark arts. Toilet, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. That is something else, boy. That's the dark arts. Nope, not it. It's a man. You got to Google, I think. Whoa, bro, I can't look at that guy's thighs anymore. Like, dude, I'd rather, way rather blow a guy than probably look at his thighs for, you know, more than a couple seconds. Especially if he's like, has very hairy thighs. We need a man doing duty

and white man caught looking. Nah, that's a cartoon. Who made that, huh? Yeah, guys. Well, while he's figuring that out, dude, I'm going to tell you about a story that happened to me. So one time I'm in Seattle,attle okay some of you might have fucking heard of it and i was up there and i had and i went to the to the restroom right and they had a man in there and i don't know it

was kind of a darker skinned gentleman you know and he was vending skittles and cigarettes over there about a sink he was running shop and so i I had to do a number two, a straight up, one of those old boys, a thick urine out of the back. came in and oh right after I went into the stall the guy working in the restroom came and banged on the door and he's like don't worry man I got your back and I'm like you got my back I don't even fucking know this guy right I'm just trying to use the potty well next thing you know dude uh some guy comes in and he wants to maybe do drugs or he also has to use the toilet so he starts pulling on the door right well the guy I'm in there so the guy the bouncer you know the candy bouncer the shit bouncer whatever the guy works in the bathroom is called comes up to the door and says hey man chill out that's my boy in there and i'm not his boy i don't even fucking look the

man in the eyes i don't fucking know him well anyway the guy who's trying to get into the toilet starts talking shit to the guy who's trying to like who's like the bouncer out there the shit bouncer right bro they get into a fucking fight right and i can't shit if two people are fucking beating each other near me so now i'm all locked up right people come in a ton of people come in i have to go out and talk to the police bro and i have no idea what happened and it was all because that man was trying to just really have my back while i took a turn around yeah that's what i'm saying when the guy comes by me next time you want to fucking be a a shit bouncer when i'm in the toilet? Turn around. Yes. Yes.

Oh, that's Brady. That's Brady Stevens, isn't it? Oh, okay. Okay, let's go to this video right here. Is this it? Okay, good. Well, this episode's really fucking hit the skids. What's going on, babies?

You know, I was just in, you know, I had to do a couple of shows in Mogadishu for the fucking king of Siam last night. And he tried to pay me in fucking sand. Oh, that's it right there. Let's go to the beginning of this one. This is a great video where there's an urban gentleman in the potty and he catches a white guy lurking at him. Let's go. Oh. and he catches a white guy lurking at him. Let's go. Oh! It's playing right now.

He's just looking. If you're listening to this on audio, I mean, you probably have turned it off, man. okay so if you haven't seen that video it's called man catches guy looking under his stall all right and there's a there's a man on the on the toilet and he see me like he could he sounds like he could be african-american but he might not be it could be a white goddess pretending to be african-american there you go slam that guy and so uh if and then he catches a fucking guy who looks like the grandson of fucking johnny monopoly the the owner of the board game peeking under the urinal stall and he really catches him so you got to go check that out man um anyway what else do we do what else can i do now um vampire oh dude let's talk about lenochi the fucking fred fuckstone of comedy okay this guy dude

i saw him fucking reading joe he has snapple jokes probably ever opened a snapple that if you have if you've ever opened a snapple then you've heard fucking mike lenochi and his little twink buddy hot zachary that goes with him and hot zachary's italian and he's always saying that he fucking is a manager of a bunch of boxers and shit dude but nobody's ever seen the fucking boxers bro unless he's talking about his undershorts he said he used to work for floyd merriweather bro who the fuck is floyd merriweather the boat captain get the fuck out of here that was too long there you go wow that's copywritten I'm sure let's do one more

there you go somebody just bought a fucking tub of butter in the 1800s okay guys so what do we do now, man? Are we done? I feel like we covered it, man. Let me talk more about somebody. says, hey, man, as I'm flying out of Toledo with bank, with a fucking Chase ATM under my arm, if one more guy hits me on Instagram and says, hey, man, when you're performing in Toledo, fuck, yes.

That's that shit I don't like. That's that shit I don't like! That's that shit I don't like. That's that shit I don't like. That's that shit I don't like. G-gunk. Yeah. G-gunk in that guy. Because I can't stand that shit. Okay, what else, man?

Are we done yet? Alright. I brought a couple of guests today, guys. and i want to let you know who they are who are they oh i brought some fucking guests today i brought producer nick over here premature nick man and he was born early even though he denies it so he's a fucking premature birth denier and then we got fucking little Gianni, bro. And I don't know if you ever met little Gianni, dude. I mean, the guy is like 16 years old, bro.

You know, he's obviously up here running leg for a lot of these rich guys at night. But during the day, he comes down the hill and fucking helps us book some guests. So you got to know what's up babies and if you're not fucking and sucking back at the crib babies then i don't know what you're doing okay because i'm serving 100% fucking gunk yeah i'm serving 100% fucking yes gunk yes gunk and we got little gianni up here and gianni looks like kind of like i don't know if you ever seen somebody from the 1800s that used to do power lifting you know before they were actually strong and they just wrote really high numbers on the weights and they would hold them in the air that's fucking baby gianni dude looks like about a fucking 24

year old eight month old bro bro. Beautiful guy too. And, uh, and I'd probably drink some of his blood if we're on tap. What now? What do we do? Oh, last concert you went to,

I think probably smashing pumpkins. You haven't been to a concert in probably about 20 years. I went to smashing pumpkins one time and I fell asleep in the audience. So, and they didn't smash any pumpkins, dude. It was a bald headed guy who looked like he had a vitamin d deficiency it seemed like crying about something to some pretty sweet riffs so when i heard that i said

turn around yeah that's what i said and this one yeah you got fucking slam boy okay welcome to denny's where chris jokes around about denny's even though people get shot there and murdered there every day in a syrup fight can we bring that up there was actually just another three people were shot inside of a denny's pretending to be fucking chris delaware turn around yeah yakuda yakuda not fucking made people go to denny's and shoot people, Chris. Okay. Hot slam.

Hot slam. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And also this. So, yeah. And so the last time that I went to a show, I was at, it was Smashing Pumpkins. So it's been a while. Even though, actually, i did go see the

goo goo doll six times i forgot about that and they're good man even though the drummer looks like um the penguin from one of the batman movies what else can we talk about just do the podcast like you would do yours okay thank you oh yeah i went to the dermatologist today man and i thought i had skin cancer right and the guy uh and it was a fucking rich guy man and i'll tell you this dude the second i see a rich guy i don't give a fuck what he's telling me you know because the whole time i'm just wishing he had cancer and i'm just thinking go fuck yourself buddy and that's when i just turn around and fucking yes get in an uber that's when i just turn around and fucking yes get in an uber that's what i'm saying because

oh jesus christ so yeah i went there man he said i have a malignant growth or a benign growth on my face whatever one doesn't kill you and he offered to burn it off with a hot pen. He's like, fuck that, bro. If I'm going to have somebody burn something off my face with a hot bit, I'm going to fucking go home and do it for free. So that was pretty much it. What else, man? I went in a coffee bean today and there was that homeless guy in there.

And look, I love the homeless. You know, if they shaped up a little, I'd let a couple of them stay at my place. But this guy had two canes, right? And he was just playing the whole like, you know, Vietnam veteran. But he couldn't pick Vietnam off a map, bro. If you gave him one map and only Vietnam was on the map and spotted him the Vietnam, this dude couldn't find fucking Vietnam, bro. And he had two canes, man. And that kind of broke my heart a little bit.

What else do we do now, man? Are we done? No. Thank you guys very much for supporting the podcast. Oh, man. Now what do you do? Do you order Postmates or something? I don't even know.

Can we do that? What are we doing? Yeah. I'm not that hungry, man. What do they have here? I don't even know. Can we do that? What are we doing? Yeah? I'm not that hungry, man. What do they have here I bet to eat? There's nothing to eat here? Oh. That's crazy. There's a chef that comes here.

I've seen that. Well, the guy, yeah, there was a couple of chef's hats being washed in the laundry. That's all. There were four chef's hats in there. I'm like, that's a fucking weird load of laundry, Rosie. No, man, I'm just happy to be here today. You know, Chris is, if you look at Chris from far away, you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. What's going on over there?

You know, that guy looks malnourished but tall and athletic um but if you get up close to him you see that first of all the guy has more ribs than anybody i don't know if you've ever seen uh y'all's daddy with the shirt off but the guy has dude i got let me see one two three four five six seven eight ribs right chris has probably bro no joke 76 ribs dude like he's uh you know you ever get one of those fishes at the um like when you're on vacation they don't want to descale it or whatever and they give you that fish then they got uh and it's got all the bones in it that's like him man but he's got a big heart, so he has a very long heart, too. Like, if he dies, bro, five people could probably get a heart transplant from him. You know, the guy's fucking deep on the aortas.

Whoa, what is this? Is this from his Instagram? And he does boxers? It's a bathing suit, huh? Wow, he's pretty strong, huh? Are his legs nice? Have you seen his legs in person? Very skinny.

I could see that. Yeah, he doesn't have everything perfect. He definitely could use some different legs. He has a lot of facial hair. And his face, around his chin, it looks like you ever seen after a fire goes over a hill and they put it out? He has that he has that very fire growth you know like that malibu post-fire kind of stubble he's very erotic though his eyes he has got that he's got that he's got that you

know he's got that david blaine you know you look at him and next thing you know, he's fucking pulling a rabbit out of your ass. But I'm happy to be here in his home today, man. You know, this is probably I'm trying to think of some nice homes that I've been in. front of him on the couch while he sat behind me in a regular chair which is very interesting one time i went to a one-year-old's birthday party at perry farrell's house um and he was the lead singer in jane's addiction and he took me to like a bookcase and read to me all the titles of all the books on the bookcase for pretty much no reason uh i'm talking 300 books dude just the titles like it was so uh he was definitely probably in a relapse i'm guessing what else man a friend of mine got a blow job one time on top of a restaurant and from uh jennifer capriati and then fell through the glass like a sky window right into the fucking kitchen right that's how crazy is that bro that's 15 love if I've ever heard of it.

What else happened here? Right when I got into town in L.A. one time, I saw, you know, who's that guy? He's got that Mount Rushmore kind of head, kind of a mixed guy. Tracy Morgan. He, I saw him with no shirt. This is before he got Walmarted, right? Before he got hit by walmart i saw him chase uh chasing a woman by the andaz hotel with a knife and a big knife too not the kind of knife you really usually bring on vacation or travel with you know some people take a blade

but he had a real butcher's piece um what else has happened man this week not much man i'm going to phoenix this weekend to do some shows um oh what else man i'm just fucking tired dude i wish i had you know i wish i guess i had a like a masseuse or somebody just to like hug me really hard sometimes um yeah that's pretty much about it man what else has been going on you know i was thinking yesterday about uh about sinkholes man and how they're fucking starting to act up you know remember they didn't have them when i was young you had a wish and while you had to go to a specific area if you wanted to fall down into the fucking earth you know but now mother nature's starting to uh fucking and change it yeah she's starting to change it bro she's starting to fucking clap back at motherfuckers she's sick of people walking on

her back and taking advantage of her growing corn corn on her and growing dope on her. People are now growing opiates here in America. And so she's starting to act up. She's starting to open her mouth, you know. And that's really what a sinkhole is, man. Imagine you and your buddy are fucking splitting a pack of Skittles. Now imagine both y'all are fucking dead. That's a sinkhole, brother.

You know? And that's how they operate. All right, Chris, what can we go into? Oh, and there's a sinkhole right there. Look at that. Dude, remember quicksand? It got all, when I was younger, everybody was talking quicksand and they never had any of it.

You know, a bunch of bullshit, but that's a real sinkhole, boy. That's Mother Nature starting to swallow, dude dude and that's when it gets crazy imagine laying on the ground with your dick out and then mother nature just fucking hit you with that sinkhole bro you try not to come dude dare you dare you not to just bust straight into the fucking seventh circle of hell what else could you have any other good sinkholes you can show me please sir oh here's one right there and that's beautiful and a lot of them are artistic man a lot of them are very uh round you know perfectly round they call it okay let's get into some segments oh yeah i went on hot ones man i'll talk about that being on hot ones it was you know i thought they would have more spice there i thought the spice

was kind of i thought they would have more spice and the spice. I think they should dip the wing into the spice. Dude, I really I've really been burnt out at. I went to a Hooters and where Anthony Davis actually knocked a gallop over there by Hooters off on the West Bank in New Orleans. And they have a child. But but what I'm saying is this dude that i went there and got really burnt out one time at a party with some buddies and they have some serious heat over there by hooters man so i felt like that was a hotter experience than when i went on hot ones but i felt like that man was really nice sean you know they had uh yeah sean evans very nice man i

went and met up with him the night after for pizza, room temperature foods. And it was a lot more chill. And so that was nice. I got to meet he has like a fiance. I think she's Italian. And they were, you know, getting along when I saw him. So, huh? She's a Laker girl.

Dang, boy. You know, but anybody could be a Laker girl now, man. It's so diverse. I mean, they're getting so diverse. They're looking really for men or just anybody who's never even looked at their crotch, basically, and just sits down and stands up to pee at the same time. So, yeah, beautiful guy right there, Sean Evans. So that was a nice time, man.

Yeah. I don't know if that's the girl or not, but she looked nice, though. Oh, wow. So she looked real beautiful. What else is nice time, man. Yeah. I don't know if that's the girl or not, but she looked nice, though. Oh, wow. So she looked real beautiful. What else is going on, man? Fuck. How was San Jose? How was your trip to San Jose?

Yeah, it was good, man. San Jose was good. It was just tiring, man. I never did eight shows before. And by like the sixth, by the seventh and eighth one i couldn't feel my face man my face wouldn't respond to some of my desires so i'd want to smile and it just my smile couldn't go all the way and i felt like i couldn't be as happy on stage because there was just there wasn't enough like energy left inside of me to like kind of put out so i felt like i'd really you know it's just kind of falling apart at the gills um

what else man dude why don't they have any like cool doodads or something in here what is this you got all of this space and just nothing what is this fiber i mean this is crazy do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers dude that's half the fun that's half the fun dude when somebody fucking hit you up in the middle of the night on instagram and send you a soundcloud link to one of them snoring to a house beat you know like bro if you ain't getting that kind of fucking joy you know or somebody fucking hit you up and say they want to advertise their grandfather's produce company on your podcast for

40 bucks a month. Uh-oh. Yeah, that's when I say, no way. But yeah, you guys need more doodads, man. You guys should get that, you know, get a second place trophy or get Linoche to sit up here on a shelf all day. I mean, you know, he ain't fucking doing nothing.

Except, dude, we all know good and well that all Linoche is is really a stem cell carrier for Chris. And it was a solid move. You get a thick guy, you know, who's out of the Midwest or Florida, which is really just a fucking dirty little cul-de-sac of the Midwest. And think about the things that happened in Florida.

Crime. Sunburn, dude. Imagine you're sunburned and somebody fucking murders you. Gonna hurt more. Dude, you get shot when you're sunburned? Hurts way more than just getting shot. And that's where Lenocci is.

And that guy's just a little stem cell. He's just a fucking tall petri dish for D'Elia. But a beautiful guy, though. Big, you know, good guy. You know, nice. Text me something nice the other day that's out of the blue. Big, you know, good guy. You know, nice. Text me something nice the other day that's out of the blue.

So, you know, I'm happy to see him every now and then. And then they got that handsome guy now, Zach. You know, that little pussy hit man. Fucking hot Zachary. And that guy's Italian, Arabian. Who even knows, dude? That guy, fucking beautiful, dude.

He grows his sideburns long, I'd fuck him. You know? I mean, you'll find a pussy on that guy. beautiful dude he grows his sideburns long i'd fuck him you know i mean you'll find a pussy on that guy he's that hot i mean he's that kind of hot you feel around him enough you'll find that vajon you know you'll find that vajon you know what i'm saying boy let me hit this oh and that's somebody trapped in a fucking wishing well listening to you. Wow. It's crazy when you have sounds on your soundboard of other people struggling, bro. Absolutely insane. Man, it's hard being Chris D'Elia.

That's one thing I learned, really, I think, today. Is that, dude, it's hard. Imagine when you get up, how tall you are. Like, I get up at, you know, 5'11", 6 feet, you know, if I've been doing yoga. You get up as Chris D'Elia, you gotta fucking really get up, you know? You gotta get closer. Imagine being closer to the lights in the ceiling. And just feeling that pressure constantly.

Imagine going outside and you fucking know a little more because you could see a little further. And the pressure that that brings into you. You know, it's crazy. Imagine drinking 60 iced coffees a day and then trying to go to sleep after. You and I couldn't do it. That's Chris D'Elia. Imagine getting a fucking bad tattoo, even though you said tattoos were for fuck boys. For decades.

And also you got a fire on your arm, and it looks like, and you got it right during the Malibu fires, which I thought was very fucked up. While your friends burn, you fucking get a little flame on your wrist, bro. You know? It looks like an Applebee's commercial, dude, if you've seen it when they cook something real fast.

And also, I'll say this about Applebee's. They don't even have a grill in the back. They got microwaves and charcoal food paint, man. So don't be fucking screwed over. That's that shit I don't like. Yes, sir. Spanish. What I'm saying is this, man.

It's hard being Chris D'Elia. I thought it'd be easier. Oh, yeah. And I wet the bed all about 28 dude i'll tell you this one time this is pretty unfortunate but it's also what happened is um you know this girlfriend that i had for about two years or a year and a half even though we were both cheating on each other and we didn't even really like each other that much and i had a lot of sexual, you know, issues going on. But, um, we, she slept over one night at my buddy's was slept on my buddy's couch and I

urinated, you know, cause that's what I do. If somebody sleeps really close to me in a bed, I'll piss the bed. And, um, and I peed into this sofa cushion dude,

and you could pick it up. I picked it up in the morning and literally, bro, I never, I didn't know the human body could hold that much urine. You know, they say it's like nine pints of urine or whatever. And they lied, bro. This was fucking four quarts just rolled out of this pillow. It was almost like doing magic. It was almost like doing magic. And I still feel bad, but then we, but that was the first night we ever hung out together and she stayed with me for about a year

and a half. So I'd like to apologize to all the women that have ever dated me or put up with me over the years. I would like to do that. I'm glad I got that off my chest. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what I am when it comes to dating. What else can we talk about? One higher.

Oh, okay. So Christopher and what's Christopher's middle name? Alan. That's what I heard it is. So that's interesting. Oh, William, bro, which is obviously Alan's older brother. So Christopher William. How many slaves did somebody in his family own, bro? And I would never own a slave. And I'm going to say that right now because I've been getting some emails and shit. No. I'm not that guy, dude.

You know? And if I did, they would probably be Asian. So don't group me in with bad people. But I'm saying this is that I joined a cult one time. And I know you guys are in a cult. I've seen you at the shows man I've seen you run up to me with your dynamite sweatshirts with the fucking seams coming undone you know one guy taped his together because it fell apart the second time he wore it

but I've seen this kind of stuff go on, man. And I want to say this, that, um, fuck, what am I talking about? Oh yeah. I joined this cult one time that, um, that they had this deal. It's called orgasmic meditation.

And the thing is you meet up with people and it's like, you learn to touch a woman's crotch, but in a pleasurable way, she not this, you're not that jouster. You know what I'm saying? You ain't some fucking freak at a Ren Faire down in this lady's pants all the time. You know what I'm saying?

You know what's going on. And you meet up, and it's all strangers, and they have coffee, and then the women will lay down, and they get naked right from the waist down. It's not like a breast deal. And the man will sit there by the woman's crotch and have on gloves special gloves clear gloves like you see at a cafeteria and then there's a doctor going around the room who explains to you how to pleasure a

woman right and it's uh it's wild you know you think it's not going to be wild and then and it's all different ages you know so like sometimes the woman will be 60 70 years old and you'll be whatever old you are and they and then you for 15 minutes you do this exact sort of you know kind of bought this orgasmic meditation where you touch this woman's, you know, little deal. And it's like everybody's in groups, so they're all over the room. There's like 20 groups of like different people, and everybody's kind of like dialed in to their partner. And then when the buzzer goes off, you have to stop.

And yeah, it's called orgasmic meditation, man. And people meet up and do it all across America in those little clubs. So I got into it. A woman introduced me to it. She told me to go to this meetup downtown. And it was in the fashion district kind of where people buy carpet and suits that are really bad but cheap. And so you had a couple of dudes rolling in in these big suits, these Chinese suits. And then they partnered you up. They had kind of a fruit plate and coffee. And then next thing you up. They had, you know, kind of a fruit plate and coffee.

And then next, you know, you're partnered up. And by the end of the afternoon of this seminar, you're partnered off in this like warehouse floor and all the women have their pants off and all the men are like learning how to pleasure women. And it's crazy because you can hear the lady, you know, two people over fucking, you can tell who's winning. It's like Mario Kart. Like you can definitely tell by like the sounds people are making like who's winning and then some lady

will just spray out across the room and you're like who the fuck is that you know and you know you're in third place dude you know what i'm saying you should have picked bowser and so it gets really uh intense in there and some guys some men kind of perv out and they have to you know they have to take them out of the room they have like bouncers in there too but then you get in this group and it's called orgasmic meditation and you can meet people up and just during the day you can stop over at somebody's house and you do this like little ritual and uh and that's and women learn to feel like empowered because they get to you know kind of do ejaculatory orgasm and men get to learn how to do it. Fuck. I don't know what it was for. Honestly, do them want to think about it,

but I did it for about six months, man. And it's crazy. Cause you'd be driving in Venice and you'd be like, Oh fucking there's somebody right here, you know, cause there's an app and you could just hit them up and then stop in. And next thing you know, one time I was up here in the Hollywood Hills and some lady's dog fucking kept like not bothering me, but definitely made it hard. You know, it's hard to like pleasure a woman when they got a little dog right there, you know. So anyway, man, I think we've reached the end of this episode. But first, man, we have one going away segment, man. And I want to thank all the babies and all the beautiful babies out there and all the, you know, stillborns or whatever you guys are called. I want to thank all you guys for your support and for supporting Chris D'Elia.

He's a nice man and he's a funny man. And he's always been good to me. And he has a big, long, fashionable heart. What do we do here? We got Miss Connections. And these are from New Orleans. Okay, let's go through a couple. This one's Yellow Goose.

This is a woman. I one's Yellow Goose. This is a woman. I still think about you. Wet and heavy. Beautiful. The bruised fruit. Oh, this sounds like a couple of sisters fighting at a fucking farmer's market. I wish I knew how to suck out dance.

Like an advertisement. I'm afraid and it shows. I hope you're well. I still think. Damn. So that sounds like a fucking drive-by shooting to me, but I don't know. But if you've been in New Orleans, man,

it's definitely one of the more popular outdoor sports is somebody going by with a gun and then people losing their lives. That's yellow goose. Let's go to another one. Any hung bulls left? Any white

hung bulls still left on here? Bye. Better looking for next few nights. Possible cuck scene. Picks a number. And that's WB, white boy. So, or white baby. This could be one of the D'Elia's listeners

West Bank yeah that's West Bank WB and if you've been over to the West Bank man if you want to fucking hang out at a closed down mall you need to go to the West Bank of New Orleans and the crazy thing about the West Bank it's actually east of the city so fucking bootleg cartographers out there but yeah this is a great place if you want to meet somebody trying to fuck or and they also want to see pics first then if you're gonna fuck somebody off here you know i don't think you should care you know getting headshots first seems a little outrageous i I think. But this was posted about six hours ago. So that was, you know, around lunchtime. So that's what's happening down there.

One more right here. It says, Mommy, Mommy. So I'm looking for a mommy figure. I've had this type of relationship before and I miss it. I feel I suffer from abandonment and was abandoned yet again recently. Oh, damn. If you're a female and may be interested in drop me a line um thanks you okay so this is from africa probably

because they're definitely that penmanship gets really eccentric you were abandoned yet again looking for a mommy i think this this stuff's going to start happening. You're going to have these mom and like trouble boy meetups. You know, and this is, you know, a lot of, even if you stop at a rest area, you see people fucking hugging that don't even know each other. And that's been happening for a long time. But it used to be men. It used to be secret men. And now it is more just young fellas, you know, single parent children who are just hugging random women and getting that feel.

All right, here's one out there in Laplace and Kenner. Shout out to my boy Billy Conforto out there from Laplace who fucking died. You guys, some of you guys know him and some of y'all don't. But he ate a, dude, he was, you know, the first, you know, homoerotic man i ever met in my life and we we were there together he grilled us up a couple of cutlets and we got so fucking high and princess diana died and i didn't know who princess diana was man i thought it was a dog that he had and it was uh queen of england but anyway but he passed away uh So shout out to him, man. He's from Laplace, actually. He's a boxer, too. And so that's the crazy thing is fist fighting a dude.

Because gay dudes, first of all, can fucking fight. You know? Burn a gay guy with a match. See if he don't beat the fuck out of you. But this one says, in search of the fems, that that tongue tongue and they got a tongue tongue emoji dude and i'll use that tongue emoji man that one's kind of like you know i don't know what could happen you know like i need to get you know i maybe need to see a doctor might have sore i always say they're like what does that mean i'm like oh it means i've strep throat if they're not like

really down in search of sexy big booty fems that want to lick some gd pussy and that means god damn and i respect that you know not me you know not using the lord's name in vain right there they want to lick some gd pussy no games no fakes don't hit me up if you're not ready to show me what that mouth do no men at all So this is lesbians. And this is swamp lesbians, man. And you know what I'm saying? If you, these bitches do, you know, you won't see a lot of snakes in the area shedding skin

because these bitches will lick the skin right off a snake. You know? These bad girls are fucking. These bad girls out there that are swamp lesbians, man? Come on. They could clean a rat's back, brother. No, it's okay, man. I just...

I just... I don't know. Just tired today, man. I hate to fucking come over here and be tired, but you drive over here and it's so nice in here. I can't help but want to rest. Dude, I came in. They had a butler.

You know, they had, I don't want to say slaves, but they had some chains in the hallway. I'm like, what are these for? You know, these seem real old. And they had a ship, like a really old ship parked out front. I mean, it's obvious that the Lee has been dabbling in the dark arts and i'm happy to be here in his castle in the background uh but this it's intense going into another man's podcast studio you know and chris i think that's one skill he really has is more confidence he goes into somewhere and he's just a fucking you know he's just a party boy you know

but i'm more that lurker. You know what I'm saying? I'm the dude who hide in your closet for two days before I tell you I'm over there. And he's the guy who will be in your fucking kitchen fucking dating your stepmom. And everybody's getting that. See? More black guys on these buttons so but yeah you know i'm just more a little bit more i think calmate you know and that's spanish calm and i'm

more just a little chill you know and i think i get over here and also there's no doodads in here you know they got a tv over there where you can see yourself. You know, they got some beautiful producers in here. I'm sure Linoche's in here somewhere doing something, you know, gardening or something in the basement. I heard they only give them one hour of daylight a day. So, but yeah, I don't know, man. I guess it's, you know, I didn't know what to expect. You know, it's April Fool's and it'd be interesting to be Chris D'Elia for a little while and actually have that brain in your head. Where you just are on your phone and then just laugh at people for a second.

But you love going to meals with your friends. And I think he's Italian. I don't fucking know, bro. He might be Slavic. he's italian i don't fucking know bro he might be slavic um you know he seems like a guy that probably grew up in an area where you had to see far you know or wherever his people are from so probably you know he could have been raised around quicksand because you need that extra height because you got to fucking have a chance to yell for longer for assistance um but yeah man this has been good dude this is april fools man and i'm just an april fool today and i'm happy to be here on that chris delia in that podcast studio with the fucking babies bro man very cider house rules i don't know if you guys ever seen that uh but i but i see a lot of babies at some

of my shows and they come up and they're wearing the shit you know and i actually brought a new shirt too that uh chris is selling now and if you guys have ever seen this one right here that fucking gang gang hitter right there from daddy you know so you got that fucking white hitter and this one has a little bit of chalk on it. Dark chalk. Coal. You get that online on the internet. TheoVon.com slash store. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm going to... Oh, what is that? A handicapped parking? Oh, that's pretty sweet. I didn't know he cared about that. That's awesome, man.

It's like, hey, move over, dude. Somebody who got hit by a car is here. I respect that, man. Thank you guys for letting me sit in today in you guys' studio. I'm curious to see what Chris did on our episode. I'm sure that it was so much better than this, actually. But this has been a real joy and i know his his producer you know helped out and my producer helped out and okay so apparently you can't say a lot of stuff around here uh so maybe that's why i felt uh uneasy but it's crazy

when you're on the other side of the net you know it's crazy when thundercat you know when you fucking wake up and you're in in in castle gray skull you know it's crazy when Thundercat, you know, when you fucking wake up and you're in Castle Grayskull, you know. It's crazy when you're Serena, but you wake up in fucking Venus, you know. And you got a couple of kids and you can't play tennis anymore. And that's what it kind of feels like today. You know, it's crazy when you're fucking, you know, you're Hufflepuff and damn, suddenly you're Slytherin. You know, and you can hear snakes in here in the hallway. You can hear them listening.

And there's dirty cannons in the kitchen, man. Who still has cannons, bro? So what I'm saying, guys, is this, man. Be good, babies. I'll see you guys in the future. And thank you for supporting live podcasts of a lot of different people. And, yeah, this is crazy. This is a crazy experiment

and i'm glad that we did it and uh gang gang man be good to yourselves because i bet you guys deserve it thank you Outro Music