Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 117. I'm Kodak Black

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about how he is a spy. Also discussed: a $170 toaster, influencers out in public, Kodak Black, rap music, seeing red, and The Steve Miller Band. Plus, we take a look at Orange County this week for Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Hey, what's up? Episode of congratulations number 117. We've got some dates and cities coming up. We've got Oakland and Las Vegas. Those are sold out, I think.

Des Moines, Sioux Falls, Fargo, Edmonton, and Victoria, B.C. are all coming up. Memphis, Chattanooga, and Knoxville, Tennessee. Those are all the next month or so. So get your tickets now. And we're live on my app here. You can go download the Crystalia app on all the app stores or whatever the fuck, but it's up there. And we're chilling. Should I have cleared my throat before we started shooting?

Yeah. Did I know? Is it okay? Yeah, because the baby's with me no matter what. Yes. Does it sound bad? Sure. But is it raw and is what you see what you get when you're dealing with me? Yes. So it's fine. Now is my nose dry? Yes. No matter where I go? Yeah. Does it make sense that my throat is wet but my nose is dry? No. But is my nose never going to cooperate with the rest

of my head? Yes. And it is it is it bleeding whenever i woke up whenever i wake up and i blow my nose yeah and did my fucking dude i have a dry nose no matter what and all you guys are going to be like get the navage or fucking put on vaseline on your nose and get a humidifier done it all doesn't work sometimes you're just going to be a guy with a dry nose but it's fine dude my nose is all fucking dented up but it's fine dude because the rest of me besides my back is great

and I'm 39 so you're going to have a bad back if you're 39 if you're 39 and you don't have a bad back you're a fucking superhero straight up all good I told my uncle that I had a fucking dry nose and he says all you got to do is fucking take your fingers and run it under the faucet and then sniff it under your nose like that. That's what he said.

I was like, oh, yeah, you're joking, right? And he was like, no. And he's like, look, just do it like this. He turned the sink on, ran his hand under the water, and he goes like this. There you go. And I was like, not a doctor. Navage, dude. How bitch does a navage look when you're using it first of all too big too big you're holding it it's as big as your head up holding it on next to your head dude have you ever seen this fucking navage it's bigger it's as big as

your head and you hold it up to your head and you fucking sniff in it. And it clears everything out. Apparently, it works like magic. But look, it's so bitch. Would they, you know, because on the infomercials, you have to like smile a little bit. So they're holding the Navaj thing to the face and they're like smiling a little bit while the things are up the nose. I mean, you can't use a Navaj without looking like a bitch, dude. It's so big.

It takes care of allergens, mucus, and all shit. One fire. You never seen this? Dude, Navaj. Also, like, the fact that they should call it Navaj, not Navaj. It's, like, so cocked to call it. Oh, it's a nivage. Oh, you have a dry nose and you have mucus and stuffed up nose.

Try our nivage. Henry, please bring the nivage. And Henry comes in. Here you go. And holds it as big as your head next to your head. Sniff. And you sniff. And it's cured.

Look at this asshole on my app. You need saline spray bro cool oh thanks oh yeah hey never thought of saline spray that's that by the way there isn't something that works less on this planet than saline spray saline spray cures cancer as much as it helps your fucking dry nose. Saline spray is nothing, dude. It's nothing. I don't... It's like when people are... Oh, you need to... No. No.

No. I'm wearing my fucking... Wouldn't make a dent shirt. The new one. The fucking... I like this color probably the best but you know what's up yeah i got a dry nose dude no matter what it sucks dude i got this heavy duty humidifier oh my dad bought a fucking 170 toaster what dude he bought a 170 dollar toaster um that's too much for a toaster my dad my dad's my dad's bad with like just buying the

most expensive shit he doesn't care he thinks it's going to work the most. He's just like, he'll buy the same thing $100 more if it's next to each other. And he bought a $170 toaster and he fucking, and it has a button that has, you click it and it says a bit more.

Like it's not done, not to your liking and then you click it and it's a bit more. Like it's not to your liking and then you click it and it's a bit more. That's such a cuda fucking thing to get because of that. Because, like, dude, it's tricking you. You just pull it down again. Do you know what I'm saying? Pull it down again. Look at this fucking toasters dude apw wyatt apw conveyor toaster 1970 dollars it it just makes your bread toasty what else does it do suck you off

what else does it do suck you off dude look at you but they put so much toast in it wow dude this wyatt m83 apw conveyor toast with contact contact too many words too many fucking words that's like the same guy who named that named the fucking jesus christ church of latter-day saints too many words too many fucking words mormons love Too many words. Too many fucking words. Mormons love too many words. This is actually the most Mormon thing you can buy is a fucking toaster. Wow, dude. The Wyatt M83 APW conveyor toaster with contract grill.

Suck dick power. I mean, and there's so many fucking breads in it there's like a fucking huge thing like a what do you even call that uh a fucking pan that you just throw you put the breads in and then they just roll them on out dude if you got guests look you got guests, look. You got guests? You got fucking 25 guests? Y'all need toast immediately? Get this fucking APW, Wyatt M83 APW conveyor toaster with contact grill. Oh, man, you want toast or you want to get sucked off? This is what it is, man. Straight for fucking toasting and busting guts.

Some chick DM'd me a few weeks ago and it wrote and she wrote hey rearrange my guts for my birthday uh had bad parents she dm'd me rearrange my guts for my birthday? Oh! Dad died early. Hey, man, one thing's for sure. If you fucking DM somebody, rearrange my guts for my birthday, your dad died early. So sad. But we talk real shit, babies. This not i mean dude i mean dude something is so gross about calling your vagina guts you know that song uh trying to get up in my gut, trying to get up in them guts. Gross, bro. Hey, man, you'll never have a wife.

God damn, dude. Shit is insane. I always think about that. I think there's like two teams out there. There's a team where you're going to be a functioning adult that people respect. You don't have to, but you can get a wife, you can get a husband, you can have a family, and you will be in that world of the functioning, working, respected world.

And then there's people like Kodak Black that will just be like, okay, this is going to be my hair I'm going to dye it yellow I'm a Simpson and people and he's going to make trash music and people are just going to be like yeah okay cool it's fun to dance to but he's a fucking idiot you know and everyone

knows that you're not going to ever be really actually happy because also by the way, he may. I said this last week. Kodak Black looks like a Simpson. And then he dyed his hair yellow and made it look like Lisa Simpson. Clairvoyant.

We're clairvoyants on this fucking shit. So that was insane. But like, you know, nobody really actually uh somebody like are those people who make those stupid um videos where your ass is out and you do a bunch of dumb shit on instagram and you're acting like it's content uh you know that nobody actually that's not a real thing and we all know it you know the whole fucking eating a taco on Instagram but look at my tits are out or check out these fucking watches but look at my titties. You know what I mean? Look at my cleavage.

You're not a real person, an actual person. I mean you're actually in this world but you're not somebody that's going to be like, oh, fuck yeah. Oh, we're hanging out with that person? Oh, great. Life's fulfilling. I mean, look, who cares? You can do whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't matter.

But I was at the coffee bean today and I saw this couple. It was a guy and a girl and they were just chilling and looking at instagram the whole time talking about what pictures they should post they obviously just went on a hike and they were like filtering and looking like this and this and that filter and what and i could tell the girl just had like probably a million plus followers just by the way she was acting and um and this guy walked by or this girl walked by them and was like you're

beautiful to the girl and the girl goes like this thank you and then as she walks by the the girl who said she's beautiful walks by the girl who said thank you the beautiful girl quote unquote just didn't miss a beat and kept talking to the guy and like was like dude that's crazy that like hot girls like have a whole other i mean like think about if you're a guy just guys think about if another guy walked up to you and was like hey man dude you're a fucking great looking guy. All right, dude, take care. You'd be like, that would rock your day. Your whole day, you'd be fucking... You know what I'm talking about?

Your whole day, you'd be fucking walking on sunshine. Oh, walking on sunshine. Down to feel good. The most basic fucking song of all time. Is that the lyrics? No, I'm mixing up two songs. What's that one? That's that one?

It is? Oh, wow. I haven't get rid of coming up with the fucking info. Dude, if a guy said, I would like it though, if a guy was like, hey man, you're really handsome. I'd be like, wow, thanks. And I would be like, wait a minute, I couldn't go back to what the fuck I was talking about with another person. I'd be like, go back to what the fuck i was talking about with another person i'd be like wow that's cool huh so anyway uh but this chick was just like thank you and then bam started kept talking about the hike with the fucking with her boyfriend which was like damn dude one time um we were talking i was talking about this with actually like how different it is for guys and girls. I was talking about this with Steve Rannazzisi, another fucking very good comedian.

Another one. I'm saying that like I'm a very good comedian, but another comedian, and he happens to be very good, not trash like me. And he was like, you know what's crazy about these chicks is? Well, I mean, I'm paraphrasing it. I don't know if he said it this way, but he was like, a girl can literally like there are guys out there that will literally carry a girl around everywhere. And I thought about it and I was like, wow, that's so true. How crazy is it that if you get like one of these beautiful women, there are out there that will be like look we can be in a if the stipulation was hey we could i'll be in a relationship with a relationship with you buddy but you have to carry me everywhere okay there are guys out there that

would be like yes okay i'll carry you everywhere and that i think about that all the time because that's true. And these guys would literally still feel lucky they'd just be carrying the girl around just like. So out of breath, needing water. Just fucking so slow, not to the beat. Just like this. Oh, God. Oh, God. The girl's like faster he's like okay sweetheart i'm trying the the the fucking who uploads these goddamn videos the lyrics videos on on youtube like

who does this shit for all the songs? Eight million views, this video. And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door. And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door. God damn, you make a jingle like this and you're just... No dents ever. Dude, there's a place called Dentsville in South Carolina. Imagine being from Dentsville, dude.

That's crazy. Dentsville, South Carolina. I'll tell you, that's not where the log cabin is. That's for sure, dude. Man. That's amazing. that's amazing wait but what so what was i talking about earlier about the shit i don't remember oh yeah the the girl and the guy doing that shit on the on instagram i was just just thinking about i want to i want to um i was thinking about... I want to... I was thinking about having...

I have to have that shit because it's my job, like Instagram and all that stuff. But man, if I didn't, I would just get out. I'd get out. I'd get it out, out, dude. And just start walking around. My buddies, some of my buddies don't have that shit. And it's just like insane.

I would love to do that. Can't. Need to keep on backing up this fucking goddamn truck, bro. How am I supposed to fucking keep the shit? And keep the shit and keep the shit you know i'm talking about um dude so yeah but i you know i don't know what to fucking i i was uh i was at um i was at dinner with a few people the other night and this dude they were like fuck let's see um like probably eight people sitting at a table with was like maybe 14.

And so there were a lot of empty chairs. They were sitting around hanging out for about a half an hour. And so there were some empty chairs, and this dude had on a watch that was all diamond studded and a necklace that was all diamond out, and a and a necklace necklace that was all diamond out and he had a piece on it balenciaga shoes the don juan sweats uh the fucking another shirt that was like i forget what it was something like you know a name brand shit and uh he was just chilling and you know i was thinking like who

is this guy and i was like that's exactly what this guy wants me to think right like that's why he's got the watch that's why he's got all this shit who is this fucking guy he must be important okay so there's there then a photographer shows up with a camera and he was and he's talking to this guy and i'm spying because that's you know i'm a spy when i'm at dinner i'm not a fucking customer i'm a spy i'm a spy spying on everyone else at the at the fucking place i'm observing so this guy's fucking killing it in his outfit I'm literally a table away spying on him. Like not even paying attention to people. I'm just like, yeah, that's true.

Looking over at the guy. Just watch. Fucking like literally might as well be wearing a fucking high collar with a hat on and sunglasses. I'm like, yeah, that's true. Spying on this guy okay looking literally in between two people that are talking to me like a fucking like i'm in that show with sarah jessica parker whatever the fuck city of queens or whatever the fuck the hell this shit is called what is it called sex in the city busting in the city dude that's what i call it fucking busting nuts in the city and um so anyway i'm watching this guy and the photographer shows up you know and he's

obviously working for the guy because he's just like bowing and shit practically you know and he's like uh i i you know I make it out a little bit. It's not that loud in the restaurant, but this is what I hear. Take pictures. Do you want me to just get it around here? And then the guy with the watch is like, you know, just so laid back, just kicking it like this. Like it's like the fucking photographer had the worst breath of all time because the guy was kicking it so hard so far back he looked like weekend at bernie's without

the sunglasses just like fucking so relaxed like hey man are you dead fucking jovi so he was like uh yo man he was like uh this is what i heard the guy say some some some some some some some more people some some some not everybody here yet some some some just some some some right and the photographer's like, okay, I'm going to get some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, nah, you can wait mostly, but you can stamp a few shots if you want, but not everybody's here yet. Okay? That's what I judged because I'm a spy, dude. All right? I should have been. I should have found plants in the restaurant and just went behind the plants and done this. So, and then when the guy came up, he's like, well, why are you spying? I'd be like, oh, well, but hey, dude, that's what you want me to do because of your watch.

Excuse me, Bernie. Oh, you talk. I thought you were dead. So the fucking photographer starts snapping and then more people show up. Half the other people show up and they start snapping. And he's fucking taking shots and moving the camera around. And I'm in the back of all of them, by the way. How about the fact that somebody, so this guy's taking shots and video of dinner.

It was a dinner they got a professional photography photographer to shoot the dinner a random just dinner and i know it was just a regular random dinner because i spy and i noticed and i'm observant and i made a dossier of it but dude But, dude, think about how, like, think about how, first of all, stressful life is. Just, we're not supposed to be doing everything we're doing. We're not supposed to be, first of all, we're not supposed to be on Instagram. We're not supposed to be taking pictures. We're not even supposed to be ordering couches. We're not supposed to be living in homes.

We're not supposed to be doing, we're not supposed to be postmating. We're not supposed to be doing we're not supposed to be postmating we're not supposed to be doing anything we're not supposed to be fucking doing anything we're supposed to be doing is thinking shit where do i get my next food and is this place okay to sleep that's it we're not supposed to be thinking what genes do i I get? But we're humans and we're smarter than dogs, so we made all this shit, and now we busy our lives with it, which is just how it's going to be. So many things are coming at us fucking a million miles an hour. We're not equipped, our brains, to deal with it because technology moves faster than evolution.

All right? Technology moves faster than evolution. All right? So now we got to go to dinner because that's our life. You got to get the people together and go to dinner. Oh, yeah, but they're coming. Is Frank coming? Yeah, I don't know.

He's late. I'll text him. Oh, we're not supposed to be texting. We're not supposed to be waiting for Frank to eat. We're not supposed to be doing any of this bullshit. We're just living organisms, and we're just supposed to eat whatever is around. But because Frank is not here, we've got to wait for Frank. Okay, cool. So that's cool.

Oh, Jim's always late. Teresa's fucking never here on time and she's got to bring the thing and she's got to wait for the babysitter, all this shit going on. So there's just a layer of stress. That's fine. We can deal with it, but it's there. That's fine. We can deal with it, but it's there.

My point is, imagine adding, thinking you have to add to that stress because of your image. Imagine thinking, well, we've got to get a photographer, though. So, huh? Huh? Huh? you're already at the most stressed out any human has been in history and you want to hire a photographer to shoot you eating sushi you're developing cancer you're not laid back bro the guys who are the most laid back care the most. If you're weak and at Bernie's, you're seriously fucking, you're basically, you know, saying, look at me. Wow.

And it's not even smart what I'm saying. But still, wow. Everyone knows. Everyone knows. They pretend like they don't. I'm just saying it. I'm just saying it on a large platform. Everyone knows this already. I'm not saying anything new.

However, we all pretend like it doesn't happen. You know, everyone still is fucking focused on all of everyone's going to look at that guy's goddamn video. They go, damn, that dinner's lit. Huh? You had the fucking same restaurant I had. I didn't video it. I didn't post it. God, how boring.

How fucking... How fucking boring can you be to hire a photographer to come to your regular dinner? Oh, no, you know what i should have done i should have fucking straight up started playing that fucking song habanagila or whatever and been and like really loud i'm gonna hire a bit that's the thing if you hire a photographer shit man i wish there was like this app where you just hire a band immediately and i would have

them come up and play have again have an aguila they'd be like, yo, what the fuck's going on? Why are you playing? I'd be like, oh, this is a fucking bar mitzvah, dude. What do you mean? I'm sorry. This is a bar mitzvah. You hired the photographer, but you didn't hire the fucking band that plays Hava Nagila. So I'm helping you out. This is my gift to you.

You'd be like, I'm not Jewish. I'm black. Well, Havagila, dude. Havanagila. How do you even spell it? I just Googled it and did it. Oh, I did it right. Wow.

Is it playing? Why is it not playing? Wow. Nishmeha. I like when it goes real fast, though. Does it get faster? Or is this just a slow version? This is the R&B version? This is the R&B version?

This is the fucking 112 version? Oh, yeah. It just makes you want to clap, dude. So Jewish. I'm Jewish right now. Dude, that would be amazing. Because they were all black. That would have been amazing to hire a fucking band that play Hala Hava Nagila for them. Oh, fuck, man.

They were stunting, though, huh? Goddamn, they had dope shoes, all of them, and this girl with a thick ass and a bikini on, straight up at a goddamn sushi place. She had a fucking bikini top on. She had a bikini top on. Hey, did you guys hear me? She had a bikini top on. She had a bikini top on. Hey, did you guys hear me? She had a bikini top on.

Hey, guys, this woman at dinner had a bikini top on. It was 9 p.m. Inside. Inside. Now, the ass, you could bounce a quarter off it. But put on a shirt. Know why? Indoors.

Stressing yourself out. Hey, stop stressing yourself out. All right. Here we go. Yeah, man. So that's what's up. Never had a boner problem you know

but guys out there have boner problems my buddy I'll tell you who doesn't have a boner problem my buddy I got a buddy who just never stops fucking it's unreal

I have a buddy who never stops fucking and it's unreal and this isn't one of those stories that ends with and that man is me I have a buddy who never stops fucking and it's unreal. And this isn't one of those stories that ends with, and that man is me, just so you know. This guy will fuck, go get a coffee, and then go fuck. And it's unbelievable. And I'm like, dude, it's not fun you know do it once in a while it's more fun that way he can't stop does he have a problem i don't know what kind of problem ends

with coming all the time sounds less like a problem and more like a party but my thing is man if you're having sex so much it just doesn't feel that good and right i don't know this guy will be like he'll like stay up to like seven for trying to have sex like dude that's just that's not okay you're only supposed to have sex for 12 minutes according to fucking me and that's how long you to have sex for 12 minutes, according to fucking me. And that's how long you should have sex for. Okay? And you should do a maximum of three positions. We've been over this. But this dude stays up till like 7 to have sex for fucking 15 minutes?

What about sleep, bro? At what age does it stop? I mean mean he's not old or anything but jesus unreal and he'll fucking tell me about it i'm like bro i don't even want to hear this shit it stresses me out so much fucking always you're the equivalent of a fucking fat guy that keeps eating that's just like i love food it's like what are you doing i can't believe some people just fuck so much it's like it's like people who work so much it's like what's it all for though don't you just want to relax and chill sometimes?

This guy, I was driving and I was looking at my phone, like as we should all do, driving while looking at your phone. And I stopped because I noticed this pedestrian was walking across. And I did not almost hit him, but it was stupid. Like it was one of those things where I stopped and I was like, oh fuck, I should have. And the guy goes like this. And I was like, and I didn't do anything. Cause I was like, all right, buddy, you're off. You're fine. You know, it was a fucking 30 something year old like me. And, um, year old like me and um and he and he and then he walked behind my car and then smacked the back of my car now when that happens to me i ain't got no mother so i fucked your bitch i get irate. Okay? First of all, don't touch my car, right? You know? And then also, I didn't realize this until later.

It's way louder in the car when somebody smacks your car than it is what the guy thinks he's doing, right? So it sounded like a lot. Bro, I don't know what the fuck came over me but i rolled down my window and i and i pulled over and i said you fucking bitch what the fuck do you think you said you touched my car you fucking pussy ass i'm screaming at this guy and i'm mad i don't even know what i'm doing but he's walking away and i'm like. He had on these bitch ass shorts. And I was like, walk away in your fucking bitch ass shorts. And he was like, I barely touched it.

And I was like, you fucking smacked it. Do it again. I was like, do it again. And I'll fucking come out there and I'll knock you the fuck. I scream at this guy. This guy's also fit. Like he might have handed me my ass. And then he said, all right, man, I'm sorry.

And I was like, oh, fuck. I felt so bad. I felt so bad. And it ruined my whole day. I was walking around thinking about what a fucking asshole I was to this guy and how and how I felt horrible that I reacted like that dude like I I I mean granted he shouldn't have done that to my car but you know I fucked up too I shouldn't been driving with my – looking at my phone. And I got so fucking angry.

And I just saw Red. I don't even really fucking – I'm not even really like that, dude. I don't know if I did it because I was in the safety of my own car. And if he pulled out a gun, I could have driven away or whatever the fuck. No, he was going to pull out a gun. Guy did not look like he had a gun. But, I mean, could have, I guess. But his shorts were so tight.

I would have seen it. But I got, could have, I guess. But his shorts were so tight. I would have seen it. But I got so upset. And then I drove away and I felt so bad. And I was, I guess I was happy. I felt bad because I was like, well, I'm a regular person. You know? You know, like my girl was like, oh, you know, just the fact that you're thinking about that means that it's good. It's a good thing. And I was like, you're right. You're right. You're right. Hold my head. But then, but then he was like, I just was like, man,

I don't know. Maybe I just made it, made it worse for him, made it worse for, made it worse in my head, but I was like, dude, I can't be doing that shit. I think it was a real learning moment for me because I felt so fucking bad doing this and I don't think I would do it again. And I haven't done it and I don't know when the last time I snapped at somebody was. I actually do know the last time I snapped that somebody was i actually do know the last time i smacked that

something snapped that somebody was a girl came out of the comedy store god this was so long ago uh and she was like i just want to say that you're fucking act i guess i was talking about girls and she was like it's so sexist and you're this and that which is like ridiculous i was doing my drunk girl skin is what i was doing it was that long ago and i was like you fucking idiot i started talking to her and shit i was like you're a fucking idiot and and everyone was like shut up to her and i was like you fucking this is a comedy store i'm doing my shit like get out of here you fucking idiot and then i was like afterwards i was like damn i mean i was like 28 or some shit. But I felt a little bad about that. But I felt real bad about threatening a guy.

So maybe I'm growing as a person. Because now I feel like if I'm going to have kids or whatever, I can't be doing shit like that. I don't want to fucking... I don't be doing shit like that. I don't want to fucking... I don't know. I look at guys, though, that have grown up late. I don't even know if he's like this,

but Rogan felt... It feels like he was an insane person in his 30s. I didn't know him back then, but now he's a legit good guy dad. He posted a picture of his dog with easter bunny ears and said happy easter from the rogan family like that to me sometimes like i want to like i want that but also you got to keep it real but rogan's good at like keeping it real but also being like that guy so it's possible possible. But like, you know,

I just, I felt really fucking bad. I'm telling you babies that I felt really fucking bad that I did that. And if that guy's out there listening or if somebody knows that it happened and is listening to this and knows the guy,

he's like, oh yeah, that's that guy. Tell him I fucking feel really badly. Please. Because I fucking don't want to be that guy um so that's why i'm bringing this up to your attention and then a week later i went to the gym because that's how i get so fucking swole right i go a week later i get to the gym and that's how you're fucking looking at me you're noticing that my fucking shoulders look like literally like there's no literally no coat hanger in here but it looks like it because i'm fucking wiry and beefy and my traps look like you know it's like what the fuck is this guy a turtle you know i'm talking about he doesn't have a shell right no am i looking at a ninja turtle or is that chris delia and i'm like yo it's me and they're like fuck i'm sorry i thought you were

michelangelo the turtle i'm like the artist they're like no the fucking orange with the orange anyway never mind you chris so um i'm like yeah so so i look and i get to the gym and i'm about to go do squats to get that fucking ass high zach gun don covio right i'm trying to wipe my ass behind my fucking shoulders so i'm trying to do dude my ass is fucking shoulders. That's what I'm trying to do. Dude, my ass is plump, too. I swear to God, I feel it. I do squats. I'm up to two. Dude, I never could squat more than I could bench up until this year.

That's how fucking lopsided, topsy-turvy my body was. And now, I squat way more than I bench, dude. So what the fuck do you want from me man i'm i'm so centered i'm in kibadachi all day long and that's horse stance that's japanese for horse stance i'm in kibadachi all day long or whatever the fuck and i'm doing it, dude. I was squatting, a little too narrow.

This big beefy guy came up to me, said, yo, spread your legs out. Gave me some tips. Spread my legs out. Keep a dachi, baby, all day long. Now I do 235, repping it. Okay? Anyway, this story isn't about that. 35 repping it. Okay. Anyway,

this story isn't about that, but I'm practically a fucking goddamn turtle. So, um, and I, and I went to go close my trunk to my car. You know, my car's nice. No dents. And looked and as i closed it i saw the fucking handprint of the guy that fucking smacked my car and i go like this

that's what i did i did that like it was a fucking 80s movie or some shit. Dude, I... Let's see, 80s movie song. That's what song was after I hit it. Now, see, they're going to do this fucking... Now, theme. 80s theme. This is what we need to... Okay, cool.

Just Google the fucking... God damn it. Fucking TV show. Hunter. theme. This is what we need to Okay, cool. Just Google the fucking goddammit. TV show. Hunter. Yeah, this is the shit. This is the shit. I slapped it and I saw it. Or how about this? Yeah.

That's it. This. I hit the thing. I saw it. And I closed my thing. And I saw the thing. And I was like, ha. And I paused. And it went.

Oh, no. I want the mash theme song, dude. Yeah, I know. But I want the instrumental. How about the fact that the song is called Suicide is Painless So I hit it and I go And then Just fucking

I froze And then the credits It was like this La da It was like this. La-da. And then walk to the gym. Did squats. Is that a turtle? Oh, it's Crystalia.

The fuck? Is this a turtle over there? No. Hey, dude, say hi to Raphael. No, that's Crystalia, dude. Oh, what? What's his back doing? Oh, I know. It looks like he has a shell, right? Yeah. Anyway. Fuck, that's Chris DeLea, dude. Oh, what? What's his back doing? Oh, I know.

It looks like he has a shell, right? Yeah. Anyway, fuck a low center of gravity for a tall guy. Anyway. Right there. Dude. That's correct. What a song, you know?

So funny. These people upload it, and then another guy uploads it. MASH Theme Instrumental, best version. Okay, buddy. Look, guys. Instrumental MASH theme song, HD quality. And then this guy under it, MASH Theme Instrumental, best version, HD quality. I ain't got no motherfuckers.

That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Theme Instrumental, best version, HD quality. Oh, you think you got the motherfucking Mad Steve song on lock? No way, dawg. We about to upload the best version. the worst fucking song that has ever happened in history is hit him up fucking playing while suicide is painless is playing and that's okay that's the kind of guy i am i am showing you stuff that's never been done before anyway dude um uh yeah so oh fucking chilling dude i i wish that there were more how come god music is like music is like like if you weren't if you weren't, if you weren't, let me put it this way, music and comedy,

it all changes. Like, there are still songs, like, like, let me, let me pull up a song by, this is a perfect example of,

of, of the music I'm talking about, the Steve Miller band. Anything by the Steve Miller band, okay? Like this song. Now granted, okay,

they rock. The song rocks, okay? It rocks. But, let me just, they rock. The song rocks, okay? It rocks. But let me just, I don't know what's like a big, this one here, this one. This song rocks, okay? Sure. Sure, it rocks.

sure it rocks if this came out now nobody would fucking listen to it i mean there would be a fringe group that would be like a that was like yeah i like that kind of shit but this was the shit back then when that came out this guy made this song then got copious suck jobs that's just how it happened he goes yo i got this song oh really yep line them up suck job city you know what i mean they're like but now if you made this song it wouldn't be suck job city it would be fucking fringe city it would be can i get a suck job no city it would be like please maybe you would have lined up subjogs from some people. But back then, this shit was like the merch for Kanye West's Coachella. And comedy changes, too.

But it's so weird that now that song wouldn't be popular. You know? And when they made this song, they knew it was a hit, too. That's how different the time was. That's how different the time was, dude. They're like, time... Into the future

Time keeps on slipping now when somebody likes that song and they're young do you know how fucking annoying they are do you know what I'm talking about you gotta be fucking 60 to like this shit or at least 45 but like a young girl

that's like 14 that's like I'm really into the Steve Miller band. Do you have any idea how fucking annoying that person is? Like this shit that's out. You're out. You're out now. Like this shit now. Don't be interesting.

That's like thinking you have a personality because you have a black belt. The fuck out of here listen to fucking omarion not even out now uh what's the fucking uh shit that's hot now i don't even know dude i don't even know kodak black that's it you're 14 you listen to Kodak Black. That's it. You're 14. You listen to Kodak Black. That's it.

Dude, I put up a thing up about how I can't remember what it was, but I was like, I wrote up, I wrote something that was like, oh, I was talking about music. It was the post I did on Instagram about how I was like rapping. I love hip hop of today. And I basically was rapping over and I was just doing this. That's pretty dope, actually. Moon rock. Yep. So, and then somebody writes, oh, you're one of those guys.

And you know what I have to say to that? You're goddamn right. Dude, I'm not not one of those guys. I hate that. Hey, are you okay? I don't know like and then but there's people that will be like

yo he's talking real shit. That's the shit that kills me. What do any of these things mean? I'm old. Bro, to be honest, I don't think Kodak can ever make a bad song, like if you agree. Like somebody thinks that and then somebody else writes on god i'ma like this comment what okay okay why are you swearing to god for that

look at this shit if you're reading this i hope you never go broke again edit if you're broke i hope you get rich thanks bud you just did nothing and some guy writes what happens if you're broke already huh i guess i was before the edit. This chick. Kodak can have beef with T.I. or even Trump and I'll still listen to his music. That's an odd one. Wow.

I mean, he's got such a fan base. I I mean his fan base is way bigger than mine so I guess I'm the fucking idiot I don't get it cause anybody could do this that's the thing I don't get is he producing the music? cause then okay but he's not though right he's just rapping anybody can do this I don't get. Is he producing the music? Because then, okay. But he's not, though, right? He's just rapping.

Anybody can do this. For real. And I know people are like, no, but they can't. But you can. Yeah, you can. I can do that. I can do that.

I can do exactly... I can do that. That's it. I'm Kodak Black. If you like hoeing a rail, if you like hoeing a reel if you like hoeing a chill when there's my heart on the pill and there's a guard on the bill that's ill as shit dude

I'm fired I'm fucking fired I mean look at this look at this. Look at this, dude. This is just for fucking... This is just off... This is just off the top of my head, dude.

This is just fucking straight up off the top of my head. Okay, we're popping the trail. You're gonna top on this trail. And if we're cropping it still, missing the prop in the trail You get the top in the trail. And if I'm groppin' it's there. Missin' the prop in the jail. Missin' the drop in the trail. So we put prop in the trail. Cookin' the porn in the pot.

In the kitchen we fallin' the top. And we takin' the floor in the top. We diggin' the straight to the top. We fire a bunch in the grill. We tookin' the pork in the jail. My girl in the fuck in the suck. Suckin' the buck in the chair. My girl in the funk in the suck. Suck in the buck in the chuck. Another guy calling up Cam.

I'm fucking with Jordan and Bram. Tick tock. Rip off. Wrist lock. Ice hot. Chip rock. I got pancakes at IHOP. Ripping a chip in the chair.

Syrup on pancakes and meal. We're going to eat that in jail. We're going to shit it out real. Blipping a pip in the tip in the chair. Syrup on pancakes and meal. We're going to eat that and chill. We're going to shit it out real. Blippin' and bippin' the pill. Four hours later, it's chill. Suckin' and fuckin' and suckin'. Got your bitch muckin' and fuckin' and lookin'. Blippin' up, blip-lop, chicken up, baby, bop, blip-lop.

Sippin' up, figgin' the pig in the heart. Dude, I fucking... That's it, dude. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. You know how they do? That shit was fire. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. I'm Kodak Black.

Um, excuse me. I'm Kodak Black. Dude, I fucking rap good. It's it, dude. Wow. I actually surprised myself with how fucking ill that was. Ripping it, bipping it, jipping it, bipping it, shipping it. And sometimes I'm just kicking it back,

just low it, just kind of chilling, dude. Not even really trying, just like, bipping it, bipping it, chipping it,

bipping it, flipping it, dipping it, lipping it, chipping it, bipping it, bipping it, chipping it, chipping it,

lipping it, bipping it, ripping it, really though. And also, what if I have my eyes closed there? I actually have my eyes closed there. What if I open my eyes

and my producers were gone afterwards? They're just like, we quit, man. That's the fucking worst thing I've ever heard in my life to even talk about. I put my heart in my lyrics. My mama told me she hear it. I done seen death and they fear it. Only fear God and my spirit. Cut off our homes, the envy.

Can't say that part will change for a penny. Hang by myself and got many. All right, you know. That's funny, man. Like, people act like these lyrics are really deep. I mean, obviously, I'm making a joke. I'm fucking, I understand it's more, he's actually trying to, but like, dude, I put my heart in my lyrics. He's the first guy ever to say that?

No. My mama told me she hear it? Okay. All right. I done seen death and ain't fear it? Literally every rapper says that. Only fear God and my spirit? I mean, so many times.

Cut off old homies that envy. I mean, this is about, every rap song is about this so far. And people are like, God damn, that's deep. Okay? And by the way, I'm not a hater.

I'm talking shit because of what Kodak Black did about the fucking Nipsey Hussle. That's why. Because that shit is not fucking cool, dude. The lowest kind of guy is the kind of guy that did what that fucking dude did for fucking Nipsey Hussle. When he died and he was like, I'm going to holler at his girl.

That is the most fuck boy cuck shit. That is the worst shit. cuck shit. That is the worst shit. Somebody in your industry dies and you want to holler at his girl because you think she's fine or fly?

In my eyes, that's the worst kind of guy. That's the worst kind of guy. So you're a cuck and that's why I'm talking about all this. Otherwise, art is art. Alright, let's do Orange County.

Let's do fucking all the way from Orange County Miss Connections. Here we go. Orange County Miss Connections. Where my big girls at? Looking for a plus size girl to spend some time with? What I love about them is that they're extra nice and caring.

They're sweethearts. Usually. All right. Well, it's a sweeping blanket statement. Would love to friend one. I'm a, are you crazy,

bro? Are you crazy? Usually they're not sweethearts. I'm a young college student. I don't care about your age. Love older women, actually, into all races and ages as well. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

This guy just wants a fucking fat chick, dude. Where my big girl's at? Bro, it's often the biggest girl in the group that's the most like oh come on dude because they feel like they need to like overcompensate it's that gourd effect you know it's like they're trying so hard it's like dude just chill you're fine man and then they're trying to fucking keep it yeah but this and that and this and oh no no no no and you're just chill we're all just chilling out dude they're so they're so beat down you know because they're not the hot one guys get that way too guys are that way too like i mean

that's why they're fucking you know there's that like short stocky guy that's like so goddamn annoying, you know? And you're like, bro, can you just be a chill guy? We're hanging out at the pool. And he's like, yeah, but yeah. You're a fucking gourd. You're a five and you're the worst. At least fucking pineapples are scrapey as shit. But when you open them up it's beautiful

be a goddamn pineapple apples look cool and are cool but you're a fucking gourd bro you're all warty and you don't get eaten you suck oh my god this is the most oc one of all time any young surfer hey we can have fun getting to know each other for some one-on-one time hit me up i'm the older dude do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Any young surfer? South Orange County. We can have fun getting to know each other. Hey, guy, get a friend. Go surf. Wow.

Oh, my God. Is this guy talking about going down on a girl? Looking to eat right now. And then the body, any female up? Bro, does this guy have like Twitter or anything? Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Bro, you can't say any and then don't contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Dude, that's insane.

Wow, I love these guys. Man, what are these guys like? Imagine hanging out with these guys. I feel like if you hang out with these guys, you'd be like, I know. Because I'm a spy. You'd be like, I know this guy. This guy's the fucking kind of guy who did that. Oh, boy.

Looking for Chris. That's the subject. So it could be me let's read on hey chris this is the young asian bottom boy in fullerton you used to hook up with hit me again yes that's me well he found me folks asian bottom boy in fullerton wow imagine being an asian bottom boy in Fullerton. Wow. Imagine being an Asian bottom boy in Fullerton. Do not contact me on solicitor services or offers. Well, okay, buddy. No one will because that's me and I'm about to hit you the fuck up. Here I come, Mission Viejo.

Wow. What if this was the moment where i was like you know what fuck it i'm gonna do it that post got me oh it got me it got me good oh it got me the guy with the sword on qvc and you can't break it oh it got me And you can't break it. Oh, it got me. Mom, and these are my favorite posts right here. These ones, the ones that are cryptic, but not cryptic.

Need melons to handle. Like the only person who wouldn't understand this is an alien. You know, that's, those are my favorite. Need some melons to play with. If you like showing off your melons, message me. Do not contact me on solicitor service or offers. Hey, if you know this, somebody contact this guy and just show up with actual melons. That would be the illest. Man, my legs are fucking strong.

I'm squeezing my hands in between my legs and they're fucking strong. My hand hurts. So that's who you're fucking dealing with now, dude. A guy who's got real strong legs and doesn't give two fucks about it. So don't fuck with me, dude. I've got two strong legs that can choke you. Triangularly. Girl named Jep.

Filipino. J named Jep. Eh, set Filipino. Jep, dude. Looking for old friend Jep. Hey, man, she gave you a fake name, okay? Nobody's name is Jep, so it's all good. Hey, nice to meet you, I'm Mike. Oh, hi, I'm Jep. Oh, what?

Well, what the fuck do I call you? Do not contact me with unsolicited services office that's pretty implied Jep he only is looking for Jep don't you know somebody that knows Jep looking for old friend Jep who's Jep let's look up some Jeps on the internet

what would Jep even be if you type in Jep did you mean it's going to say did you mean joint educational project house okay If you type in Jep, it's going to say, did you mean Joint Educational Project House? Okay. Not what I meant. How do you do woman?

Woman Jep? Let's find this girl for this guy. Woman Jep. Did you mean woman Jeep? Okay. Sexist. Well, okay. I guess that's it. well okay I guess that's it

um okay that's it I guess right we're done that's all folks that's all folks um alright I'm done

but you guys thank you um that's all folks. Um, all right, I'm done, but you guys, thank you. Um, very much. And that's it. I guess my buddy, my buddy,

uh, Andrew Schultz just texted me another great comedian. I got a theory. Kodak is acting a hundred percent. He's smart. I'm probably listening to your pod or someone told him. Maybe you're right, bro. I love Andrew Schultz. So listen to him.

You guys are great. And thanks for listening. And that's all, folks. And remember, whipping and pipping and pipping and tripping. That's it. That's all I got. See you later.

Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you're a damn fucking man. I'm a motherfucking motherfucking child, a motherfucking Thank you.