Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 124. And Now You're Mashed Potatoes

Episode Date: June 10, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about how he (like Tom Cruise) is a Scientologist. Also discussed: valet parking, turducken, Jay Z, Beyonce, tchotchkes, and Long Island Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Oh yeah dude, this is it, episode 124. Finally we got to episode 124 of Congratulations. Always been waiting for this episode you understand uh and um before we even start i guess you know let's do fucking see where i'm gonna be coming up uh we got um the tennessee dates which are well first of all we got hoover alabama um on june 26th and we've got Memphis Tennessee on June 27th June 28th Chattanooga now that's a name of a place now that's the name of a city Chattanooga Chattanooga is the name of

a city is it an Indian thing I don't know sounds like it could be but it's probably not maybe it is but I'll be at the Tivoli or the Tivoli Theater. I don't know. These words where it's like you don't know how they're pronounced, I'm not into them. It's like just have it be like everyone knows how to pronounce car. It's car. Even though my Irish friend would say care, and that's a different word because care is another word. It's not car. Care is c-a-r-e

uh and then i'll be in knoxville tennessee which begins with a k which is fucking stupid right it should just be n-o-x also over time we should have just eliminated the k right we do that as people we do that as people where we we we we you know the we don't have fucking tails anymore we used to have tails when we were fishes right we were fucking little beings in the waters anyway dude i'll be in chattanooga and uh knoxville and memphis and hoover so get tickets at crystalia.com that's the follow the leader tour that's the follow the leader tour chrystalia.com you go check it out www.chrystalia.com uh and it's the tour you click on tour and you can see where it's going uh it's all good this is good um so i woke up early

this morning and i had a uh a meeting and i had a meeting with with uh with brian callan and uh some other guys and my agent and all that shit josh lieberman you guys know him you know he's the guy that sounds like that and then um yeah yeah look uh and so and and so uh callan always fucking interrupts a meeting and gets real boring in the middle of it. We'll be like on a roll. I'll be like, also, you know, he'll be like, also, it's about more than that. It's about, and you're just like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I just look at him and I say, no, man, come on.

And I'll say in the middle of it, the problem is you're getting very boring. You're about to get boring. And that shows some fucking levity in the fucking meeting. Thank God I'm there to literally save his asshole. And but we, I was just, it's like, I go to this, I hate having meetings at fucking Three Arts, dude. That's my management company because there's a guy and the valet where you first of all you don't need the valet guy anytime you there's a fucking lot and you don't need a valet guy it's just like, no.

No. Parking is fine. You got another guy to do a job. There's another fucking one at this coffee place I go to. And it's so annoying. You get a ticket to get into the fucking place, both of these places. You get there, ample parking spaces. And there's a guy.

In the coffee place, there's three guys. There's three guys in the structure, and they're just sitting there. And they stop you. Already you're driving to the spot, and they stop you and they say, Hey, who are you here for? And I just say, I'm here to get coffee. And they go, Okay, go up to the next level, which I already know because it's closer to the coffee entrance.

So then I get there, there's another guy there, and the guy says, where are you going? I say, I'm here to get coffee. And the guy says, okay, why don't you park right there? And points to one of the spaces that are open, and there's like fucking 40 spaces open. I never park in the one he tells me because it's not, it doesn't matter.

If this guy is going to make the fucking job more of a fucking inconvenience, dude, when they get people, this is so something that would drive me nuts. People that help you when you don't need to be helped. I have a question for these guys. Am I an elderly lady?

Or am I fucking young as shit, dude? I'm only 39. It's like crazy how young I am. I don't know if there's anybody younger than me. And I'm driving in. I mean, I'm practically going fucking Google Gaga. I'm so young. I constantly check for a diaper.

I'm so young. I shit my pants and I say, it's okay. I haven't learned how to not do that yet. That's how fucking young I am. So, you don't need to help me park, dude. Because there's so many spaces. Now, if it's a fucking mess, if there's, you know, if parking is like, just, if there's so many different cars in the lot, like fucking, what's that fucking shit where they put the duck and the chicken and the ham in the fucking turkey and it's just like, dude, what are you doing? What is that called?

Turducken? Hey, turducken. Go fuck yourself, man. You know how bullshit that is? What? Turducken? Hey, turducken. Go fuck yourself, man. You know how bullshit that is? What's wrong with chicken? What's wrong with duck? What's wrong with turkey? Dude, turducken's only okay if you put bubble gum in it, too, and Pepto-Bismol.

Otherwise, I ain't eating it. Put it all in there. Put it all in there. You know how fucking shitty it is to other animals that we just rip them apart and stuff them in another animal and then eat it and then shit it out. We just go out of our fucking ass. So gross, dude. That's like if a turkey would fucking kill a think about what that would be like if there were bigger beings out there like giants that would just kill all of us. White, black, Mexican and Asian and then just kill all of us, white, black, Mexican, and Asian,

and then just stuff all of us together and eat them. They'd put it all in a fucking black guy and just eat it. And they'd just call it fucking white Blasian. And they'd just fucking eat it. They'd just call it fucking white Blasian. they just call it fucking white blazion white blazion and the giants are like did you eat white blazion today it's it's the day where we it's the day where we conquered all anyway dude uh what was i talking about parking i, you know. And then they're like, yeah, park here. I get so fucking heated, dude, in my car.

And it's... How to make... Look at this YouTube video that OneFire pulled up. How to make turducken. Here's how you make turducken. You don't. You don't. I want to make a video on YouTube that's how to make turducken.

And you click on it and it's just me and i go like this you don't um so uh i do that and then fucking and then so and then in the coffee shop it's the worst dude because so just like i go like this well i'm going to coffee and they go like this okay they know too'm going to coffee. And they go like this. Okay. They know, too. They know. What are you doing here, guy? On the other hand, it's nice that they just have a job. It's fucking hard to get a job out there. So part of me is like, at least this fucking company is paying them. What company is doing this shit is what I want to know.

Anyway, and then in this valet one, this – I don't know if this drives me more nuts. I do it less. Go to three arts. So I get to the thing and it's always one of the two or three of the guys. And he's like, they're always like, they're always like when they're like, how long are you going to be? And I'm just like, what the fuck does it matter? I got to take a ticket anyway. What am I, your fucking girlfriend? We just talking and shit.

Hey, are we in bed? So I say an hour and the guy goes like this. Okay, oh. All right, why don't you park there? And I park there, and I park where he says, because it's more official. It's not like a cafe. I'm like, all right, maybe he knows his shit.

Every time. I park there, and it's always a spot that's like free and clear. I'm not blocking a car, and he says, can you leave your key with me which drives me fucking nuts if i'm free and clear why do i need to leave a key why do i need to leave a key if i'm free and clear there is zero reason you need to leave your key with somebody if your car is free and clear okay so i give it to him because i'm like all right what's the point if I'm like, why?

He was going to steal my fucking, my ibuprofen and my shit. I don't keep shit in my car. So, I leave and I come back and the car is always in a different space. Dude,

do you know how fucking annoying that is? It's, annoying. I get back down and it's pretty goddamn annoying, dude, that I show up and my car's just in a different place, dude, for zero fucking reason. He just moves my car to another area for zero reason, dude. Other cars are just in all sorts... And then I got to go back. Oh, here you go.

Here's your key. Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks for this nothing. This guy's making fucking turducken in a parking lot for no reason. He's making turducken in a parking lot. Young Hove. He's making turducken in a parking lot. That's what happens when you're bored with your life.

You get cars, you mismatch them in the parking lot like you're making tadakin it's Thanksgiving dinner get out your dishes it's Thanksgiving dinner get out your dinner we got guests coming to Thanksgiving I love Jay Z will get so specific that you think he's actually What's that line? Get out your dinner. We got guests coming to Thanksgiving.

I love Jay-Z will get so specific that you think he's actually stopped recording and like some real shit's going on. Thanksgiving dinner. Get out your dishes. Oh, wait. Oh, shit. Stop. Oh, wait. No.

You're rapping? Okay, cool. Oh, yeah. I can't say the N word. So. Oh, yeah. These bleep is coming. Get out your good dishes. It's something like it's Thanksgiving.

First of all, no for sure. Get out your good dishes. It's something. Send secure. I mean, and the next line is, and none other than the R. And without further ado, I like, like, Freddy, get ready. It's, I mean, just like like Freddy, get ready it's, I mean just and okay, whatever, but

you know, don't need to go all into that really, but so these motherfuckers making toe ducking in the parking lot ha ha ha ha ha ha Jay-Z's sense of care when he laughs got toe ducking in the parking lot.

Hove, I guess. Hove, I guess. Did you see the video of Beyonce fucking just straight up moaning that girl who was trying to talk to Jay-Z and lean over Beyonce? And the girl was like at the basketball game and she was one of the fucking Clippers owners or Lakers owners or whatever the fuck. Who cares? One of the Golden State Warriors owners.

And she leaned over and she was like talking to Jay-Z and she leaned over Beyonce and Beyonce kind of like shifted so she wouldn't do it and now here's what the annoying people are saying oh yeah beyonce didn't like how she was talking to her man no it's not that the lady was just leaning over too much and that's fucking annoying a little bit sometimes also there's probably that whole thing where even

though she was like uh one of the um golden state warriors owners wives it was it still was like you know still like where it was like uh fucking don't act like you know us dude you're not with us you know so jay-z was talking back all cool and beyon and Beyonce just kind of gave a little bit of a look that was nothing. But then the fucking beehive, as they say, were giving her death threats. Hey, chill. Hey, Beyonce fans, chill. Hey, also, you call yourself the beehive, you know? In non-ironic terms.

Look at her fucking just. She obviously just kind of is like, what's up with this lady? And then just kind of fucking shucks her a little bit. It's kind of cool, dude, because the lady was just like leaning way too far over. But who cares? See, that's the thing. Hey, what are you doing? That's what you got to do.

Don't shuck. She's Beyonce. She can't get get fucking crazy with it. I was thinking about this. Hey, what are you doing? That's what you got to do. Don't shuck. She's Beyonce. She can't get fucking crazy with it. I was thinking about this. Like, I was thinking about this. Well, I don't remember what the example was, but, man, imagine being so famous. Because you can only be so famous if you're like, if you don't say crazy, fucked up shit. Like if you don't say crazy, fucked up shit.

And then if you do, it's because you're famous because of that. There's different levels of it. But it's like you can get as famous as like Dennis Rodman was. A lot of young people probably don't know who he is. But he was a basketball player that was famous for being crazy. You can get that famous. But then you can only – if you're already really famous – hey, turn this off. If you're already really famous, you can't get – and then you start doing crazy shit like um like charlie sheen you can't sustain that it's just bothering me you can't sustain that for a long too long like when

charlie sheen was like tiger blood and winning like that shit only lasts as long as it can and then it blows over because he wasn't famous for being crazy. He was famous for being a famous actor. Or you can be the like crazy famous, but then you can't say anything like fucking Keanu Reeves or Tom Cruise or Harrison Ford. Like if all of a sudden Harrison Ford put out a video that was like, you know, if Harrison Ford all of a sudden put out a video like how my video was making fun of fucking Armenians last week. If Harrison Ford was like, how come Armenians love to say shit like, hey, don't disrespect me. People will be like, oh, Harrison Fordd is what the fuck is fuck people be like fuck harrison ford for saying the shit so like that would be my nightmare to be maybe harrison

ford's not the best example but to be like that famous to where you can't say this shit like like jennifer garner like if she just said that people would be like oh she lost her fucking mind dude that's to not be like that not be able to say what you want to me that's crazy that's so insane that that would be the worst for me and i realize i'll never you know be that fucking the only way i could get there to get as famous, that famous is to be, because of I'm in an insane person, you know, like it to be a fucking literal, like if I did, if I had like a,

it was a serial killer, then that would only add to it. And he'd be like, wow, this crazy fucking comedian who had a podcast and just talk about how he made a cult literally started killing people, literally started killing businessmen and killed fucking 12 businessmen if i was going to kill people though it would be businessmen in suits straight up not if they if

they got out of their suit and i had the knife ready and they were like oh fuck they got out of their suit i'm not doing it it will be like live tonight at 11 talking talking about comedian Chris D'Elia. Live at 11, we'll be talking about Chris. They wouldn't even disrespect me by having new news at fucking 3 a.m. that nobody listened to. Live at 3 a.m., we're talking about the comedian turned serial killer Chris D'Elia. Once had a spat with Albuquerque and now has killed at least 13 businessmen with suits on I would give all the interviews too

I'd say dude I'd keep my phone up my butt go to jail and fucking do live videos after that and you'd see shit all over the lens it's gross it's gross but It's gross. But that's why you're here, my babies. But like Tom Cruise was like, is like so famous.

And then he did the fucking crazy like, I'm in love. I'm in love. You know, with fucking Katie Holmes. And then got like, people started talking about how he was in Scientology. And then it got a little bit, people bit people were like whoa what's going on and then for sure his PR told him to shut that shit down because he stopped doing that and then he just kind of was like okay well let me just do ghost protocol and take out my craziness in how I am just going to run across buildings with a fucking wire tethered to the top, like I'm a tetherball, dude.

Tom Cruise was a fucking straight-up tetherball in that movie, man. Ghost Protocol, you know, the name of it. Ghost Protocol. I feel like that Mission Impossible movie was the big fuck you. It was like, okay, you're going to let us get away with calling them whatever we want? Let's see ghost protocol what was the fucking tweet that delaney did rob delaney about ghost protocol it made me laugh so hard it was when it came out and he was like alternate names that they were going to use rob delaney and it was ghost protocol what were the names is it down there it'd probably be the top one though

write protocol too writing protocol up there and that's 100 obvious one fire well let's just read all of his tweets that say about Ghost Protocol I bet he's so, dude Rob Delaney's so funny I mean dude I think he was on a tear with the movie I only actually fist fight my dad the only actual

the only, I love when he the only where did it go the only actual fist fight my dad and i ever got into was when i said tom cruise's hair looked cool as hell and gross gross protocol and he laughed go down a little more oh here we go titles considered for Mission Impossible. Here we go. Click on that. He wrote, I'll probably get in trouble for posting this, but I found a document at Paramount Pictures that lists the titles they considered for the new Mission Impossible film before settling on the excellent ghost protocol.

Please repost in case they take it down from my site. Mission Impossible loaf paragraph. Mission Impossible plop centrifuge. Centrifuge? Mission Impossible cunt Sullivan. Wow. This shit is what the internet was made for. Mission Impossible beef pamphleteer. Sullivan. Wow. This shit is what the internet was made for.

Mission Impossible Beef Pamphleteer. Mission Impossible Frost Debutante. Well, I can't say the next one. It's got the N-word in it. Mitch Calibrate. Fern Gable Tooth. Peach Bottle Top. North Wiggle Down.

Cock Blanket Squirt. Wow, he's funny, dude. That guy's funny as shit, huh? It's annoying how funny he is fucking more word on the man call it tom cruise on tom cruise scientologist i think it's a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and it's something that you have to earn and because a Scientologist does he a Scientologist does

or she has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions being Scientologist you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them. So for me... Well, you know,

just fucking killing it at life. I want to be like that. I want to just walk... Fuck that, dude. I'm going to be Scientologist. I want to just walk into a room and just know. Do you understand what I'm saying to be Scientologist. I want to just walk into a room and just know. Do you understand what I'm saying? A blanket fucking knowledge of what the fuck is going on.

And I swear to God, too, not only they laid that song over, the Mission Impossible song over this for some fucking reason, this for some fucking reason but i'll bring a fucking straight up not iphone ipod a separate ipod with speakers that connect and don't fucking bluetooth in and i will fucking straight up play it okay while i walk in the room it's it's something that uh I don't mince words with that. Yeah, we know, bro. With anything. I'm a Scientologist, dude. That policy to me has really gone...

How do I do it? There's a time I went through and I said, you know what? When I read it, I just went... Yep. That's it.

Said? Exactly. There you go. Said nothing. And that's what I want? Exactly. There you go. Said nothing. And that's what I want to do. When people ask me about Scientology, and I'm fucking straight right now, whatever the first step is, I did it. I'm probably realizing that you want to be it, you know?

That's probably what it is. If you look at the Scientology book, they're like, yo, first step is, straight up, realizing you want it. You need help. There we go. I'm on my fucking way, babies. up realizing you want it you need help there we go i'm on my fucking way babies and i go and i go like this and i go and i go and people ask me about scientology and fucking whenever i finish the program whenever they get all their dirt on me or whatever

they go like they go like now you're a psychologist because you gave us some dirt and i go like this cool and then people say what's up with psychologists and i go like this dude when i looked at scientology straight up the thing was it's like a light bulb went off like I looked at it and I and I read what it was about and I first when I first saw it I was just like forget it I was like forget it and then somebody asked me about it and I was the first time they talked about it I was like what's going on and they looked at me and I was like you know what I know I know what's up I walk into a room and you just you feel it right he or. I walk into a room and you just, you feel it, right? He or she can walk into a room and just feel it.

And I get, and I'm very, and that's the thing. What's the thing? The thing is, it's just, you know, it's a being, it's a presence, it's an essence where you walk in and you just, you have that because you've done the steps and you've worked and now you're mashed potatoes. And people are just like, wait, what? And you're just like, no, now you're mashed potatoes.

They're like, well, he didn't really say much. He definitely said he was mashed potatoes. And people are just like, wait, what? And you're just like, no, now you're mashed potatoes. They're like, well, he didn't really say much. He definitely said he was mashed potatoes. That's the thing about Scientology. You know, you know. You walk in and like a light bulb went off. When you first read those words, you read that and you know a light bulb went off. And you're finding you know that you can help. And all of a sudden, you're mashed potatoes.

And it's all good. And they're like, wait, what? And they get dirt on you., you're mashed potatoes and it's all good. And they're like, wait, what? And they get dirt on you and you're mashed potatoes. If Tom Cruise fucking straight up looked at an interviewer and said, I'm mashed potatoes, they would fucking believe it. That's the fucking thing I want to get to. All right, here we go you know what i swear i'm i gotta do the episode where i'm just doing ads that's gonna be that episode's gonna rip just to get so respectful on you guys to just do ad 60 minutes straight up of ads and just in a in no shirt drinking a virgin Mai Tai. I don't even know what that is.

I just heard about them. What's the other one where you put the leaves in it? What's that one called? Is that Mai Tai? What's the one that girls drink? Mojito, dude. Remember when girls figured out that thing like fucking four years ago? They were just like, wait, there's the mojitos?

And then they went nuts wait this how you you know why it's such a girl drink because you can put so many things in it dude you know what girls love things girls love things they straight up you know what guys guys like i don't know guys guys i don't know whatever guys like this is't know, whatever. Guys like, this is what guys like, whatever. This is what girls love, things. Dude, if you could hold the thing, forget it, dude. Forget it. Tchotchkes?

You should see how many fucking tchotchkes my mom has. How much does tchotchkes sound something like it sounds like it's a racist thing? Is it? Probably. I have no idea. I have no idea. All I know are tchotchkes are things. And if it's racist, come get me it? Probably. I have no idea. I have no idea. All I know are tchotchkes are things. And if it's racist, come get me, babies.

I've got no clue. Dude, my mom's got so many tchotchkes. And then she's got the nerve when she's done with the tchotchke to be like, hey, Chris, I got some stuff for you. Come put this tchotchke in your house. Fucking bullshit. I got a whole closet full of tchotchke in your house. Fucking bullshit. I got a whole closet full of tchotchkes because of my mom. Life's hard. But what I'm saying is girls love things. And that's why Mai Tai's fucking kick ass. Give a girl, oh, you don't think girls love things?

Dude, give your girl a bag full of fucking shit in it. Give your girl a bag full of fucking things in it. Watch her smile, dude. She'll get chapped lips. She'll smile so hard. She'll smile so hard that that fucking shit on the bottom of the middle of her lip just goes. And then all of a sudden she's like, I need chapstick. And you go check the bag because it's in there because it's a thing. That's why girls have chapstick, dude.

They don't even like it. Why? I like to always keep my lip. No, you don't. You like it because it's a thing. That's why girls say shit. Let's fix up an old car. It's so you get the car.

And what do we need? The parts? And oh, we have it. Good. We have this stuff. Let's not fix up the car. I just really wanted all the shit. I'm surprised girls aren't hip to those fucking glasses that come up like this yet.

They just like the real big ones because it's more of a thing. But you mark my fucking words, girls are going to be wearing those fucking in... By next summer. You know what? By the end of this summer, I'm going to put it out there. Girls are going to be wearing those flip-up glasses that

fucking Corey Haim used to wear. I swear to God. Because it's a thing. Because they've got two things now. They've got this part and this part. It's amazing how much girls love things. And they do. And that's not a fucking sexist thing. It's a fucking gatherer thing. A hunter-gatherer thing. Guys go out and get the things and they bring

the things to the girl and the girls fucking put it all in the house. thing guys go out and get the things and they bring the things to the girl and the girls fucking put it all in the house wonder what the girl is who got the first thing was probably some fucking a a big fucking bunch of tied up sticks it's weird how that's yeah a bunch of tied up sticks. And then they were like, oh, you can burn this

and it makes a cool scent. And the guy was like, what are you doing with that thing? I, you know, let's use it for firewood. And he's like, no,

no. And she's like, no, it's for smelling. And he's like, that's not a fucking, for what we mean. They're like,

it makes the hut smell good. Like, all right. Okay. Jewelry. There you go. Bam. What do guys wear?

A tie. And guys don't want to. Guys are like, I don't want to wear the fucking tie. I'm going to wear the fucking tie. You see a guy who doesn't wear a tie wear a tie? You see his face, bro? Have you ever seen a guy's face who doesn doesn't wear a tie wear a tie you see his face bro have you ever seen a guy's face who doesn't usually wear a tie wearing a tie it sucks girls love to get dressed up though let's do it i mean not every girl you know but i'm saying girls are like i mean weddings

girls are always like yeah we get to go to a wedding. Guys are like, oh, fucking, I got to go to goddamn North Dakota. It's so dick for anyone to get married, for real. Nah, it's not dick to get married. It's so dick to have a wedding. God, when guys are like, yeah, sorry, bro. I got to get married. You got to come. Where is it?

Hawaii. Yeah, I got, no, no. That would be a good one. Where is it? Oh, it's in fucking michigan dude what yeah her family's from fucking kalamazoo so we're gonna have it over there so 90 people are gonna have to go over there that don't want to so yeah so i'm going to make all of my family go to Kalamazoo cuz you know why

cuz girls like things that's how much girls like things they'll make you go to fucking Kalamazoo because of how much they like things so you gotta go and you gotta dance the night away dude you gotta dance the night away and you gotta trick yourself into oh you know

what this yeah yeah i had a good time i didn't want to go but i i got there once i got there you ever talk to that guy fuck that bitch ass dude a real man goes like yo did you have fun though was it fun a real man goes like this nope Nope. Didn't want to go. Was there. Made the best of it because I'm a human being and didn't want to fucking have to jump. But it was fine because I made it fine in my head. All from a girl. Because she loves things. And you know what makes the world go round?

Things. Yeah, man. I always thought about how girls like things ever since I was a little kid. I would be like, girls like things. I'd think about that shit. What a weird fucking kid I must have been, man. For real. that shit what a weird fucking kid i must have been man for real one time i was walking up the

side of the driveway and my dad was filming me with one of those fucking remember in the 80s they used they would have those video cameras that were the size of a fucking koala and my dad would just be holding it on his elbow like he worked for fucking ABC News holding it on his shoulder like he worked for ABC News do I know anatomy yes did I say elbow instead of shoulder yes do I know where an elbow is yes

do I know where his shoulder is yes did I fuck it up yes is that fine sure so he was holding it up and he was like hey guys what are you doing, and also my dad, his accent was so much thicker in the 80s, he's like,

hey guys, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you guys doing, and I was walking up, and I was using a broom or something, to walk up the side of the fucking, like it was a cane,

and I said, I'm an old man. And then I was, you know, like six and my brother was two and my brother's walking behind me in his fucking diaper. We're just, just a diaper. You know how baby, how like two-year-olds will wear like a shirt and then just a diaper? Like put fucking shorts over the goddamn.

You know, I actually don't know where i fall on that i don't know where i fall on that this is like the first time where i'm stumped i don't know if it's kind of like if it's cool to fucking put shorts on over the diaper because it's like you're covering it up for society and you're being cool about it or if it's like to be a fucking boss baby and just put that diaper on anyway he was walking up with a no cane pretending like he had a cane after me and my dad said what are you doing and my brother said i'm an old man copying me. And, dude, I was six. And I was like, this motherfucker is copying me, dude? Like I was a six-year-old thinking, it's bullshit. First of all, I remember thinking, he doesn't even have a fucking cane. He's pretending to use the cane.

This was my fucking bit. I was pretending to be the old man. And then he's behind me and he's doing, he's not even saying anything different. He's literally like, oh, I'm an old man. And I wasn't in the shot after when my brother said it but my six-year-old eyes were rolling in the back of my head for sure no doubt because you get your own bit dude i don't give a shit if you're two get your own goddamn bit do you know i'm talking about scientologist when you drive past an accident it's not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it.

Okay. That's what you do. That's what you do as a fucking Scientologist, which me and Tom Cruise are. Because, dude, if there was an accident on the road, I would stop. When you drive past an accident accident it's not like anyone else as you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one

that can really help so because I do that I am in Scientology do you guys get it Tom Cruise and I are Scientologists. I fucking, every time I've seen a car accident, I've stopped, got out, and helped everybody I can even see. Dude, you think I'm fucking lying?

fucking lying every single time no matter how fast i'm going no matter what road i'm on if i see any accident from a one there where somebody for sure died or a fender bender even if somebody like kind of like is by themselves but kind of rolls up on the curb by taking a right turn i fucking i literally and they even if they keep driving i pull i, I make them pull over and I fucking help. Dude, you think I'm. It's not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help. I do it. One time I got a guy fucking hit another car.

It was really light. It was only 15 miles an hour. And he hit the guy. And the guy bumped in and it goes honk. And he got hour. And he hit the guy. And the guy bumped in. And it goes, honk. And he got out. And they both got out. And I fucking was driving by, dude.

I was driving by from the freeway. They were on a side street. I got off the next exit. I tried to find them. I found them. I got them. I got out. And I said, is everybody okay?

And they were like, what? And I said, are you guys okay? And they said, yeah. It was just like a little offender banner. We're going to get each other's information. And said okay is there anything i can do and the guys were like no not really you're not needed and i said i'm gonna get you guys some coffee and i fucking went to the nearest starbucks i got them some coffee i came back and they were gone at that time whatever but i fucking you know i drank the coffee myself. But dude, do you think I'm fucking...

Exactly. Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it because... Okay. You know you're

the only one that can really help. do you think anyone else would have gotten them fucking coffee dude no do you think anyone else would have stopped if i see an accident i'm stopping if i you know when you're at home and or you're just fucking you know in a cafe and you hear i bro i you don't see me anymore when that happens. If we're at a cafe and, and, and you hear, you better, and you're talking to me, you better stop because this conversation is taking a hiatus. Because I'm, I'm, I'm running out of the fucking cafe and i'm looking where the fuck did that sound come from i'm going where's that come from people like what what sound i said did you hear the fucking screen says yeah i said where did it come from in there i think that area and i'm running

dude and do you know why as you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help. Okay. That's it. That's what drives me. I know that we have an opportunity to really help for the first time and effectively change people's lives. I get coffee for people in Fender Benders. That's it. I'll coffee for people in fender benders.

That's it. I'll get them whatever the fuck they want. If I see someone in a fender bender, I go like this. Can I take your order? If I see, I say, oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, son of a bitch. Oh, fuck it. Can I get your information? I drive up. I say, hey, can I take your order? And they say, what?

I say, I'm going to Starbucks. I'm just trying to do fucking everything I can to help. And they say we don't need coffee and i say if you wanted coffee what would you want and then the guy would be like i don't know maybe i would i would probably get like a a venti like frappuccino if they have like kind of like with a caramel thing and i would say i'll be right fucking back that's that's what drives me it is that i know that we have an opportunity i walk into starbucks and i say hi and i wait in line and i'm fucking waiting i'm amped waiting in life the line's long i'm fucking amped i'm ready dude because i'm a scientologist dude and i'm ready and i'm

fucking in line and i'm just waiting and when i get up there and i say i'm dude and i guess what i got in my fucking head when i'm when i'm when i'm I'm ordering, when I'm in line all day, all day. And I'm in line, dude. And I'm just, and I'm waiting, dude. Fucking waiting, dude. And they go, can I take your order? And I say, yeah, I'd like a fucking venti frappuccino. I need a venti frappuccino and anything you got caramel

on it, and I need it fucking now. I got a guy at a Fedderbetter down the street, and I need that. What's your name? My name, you know what you put on the cup? Scientologist. And they say, okay, man, just chill. And I say, I will not chill. I got an accident down the fucking street. And they go, okay, cool. And I'm watching the shit

out of them do it, too, dude. They're'm watching the shit out of them do it too, dude. They're fucking making the Frappuccino, dude. And there's close-up shots fucking of the Frappuccino. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And they're making this shit. And I'm watching them. And I'm low too. I'm in the, you know how there's a glass thing?

And I'm right above the fucking lip of the wall. And I'm watching them like this. And they're so, and they're like, dude, are you cool? And I'm like, I'm cool, but there's fucking people out there that were in a fender bender. And then they go like this,

and they go, and they look at the drink, and they say, cyan-ta, and they get to that, and I've already grabbed it, and I'm fucking running, dude. And I say,

and I say, where are the straws? And they point over there, and I say, and I look, and if they got the paper straws, I fucking take a bunch of them, and I throw them in the face of the fucking employee because I go like this it doesn't help

turtles and then I fucking run out if they got plastic straws I'm jamming it in the fucking thing if they don't I take the top off and I'm running dude and when I say I take the top off I mean I take I rip my shirt off and I'm fucking running dude and I go here are your fucking frappuccinos and they go oh thanks man and if they're gone i fucking drip the frappuccino all over my chest and it's so and i mean this from the bottom of my heart dude it's so goddamn sexy that it's unreal and it probably causes more accidents and And to really help for the first time effectively change people's lives. And I am dedicated to that. I'm going to absolutely uncompromisingly.

There you go. Dedicated. And that's the words that we fucking Scientologists live by. It is 100%. And just to top this off, if you're listening to this and not watching this, he did this interview in a turtleneck. interview in a turtleneck.

Hey, dude. That's it. That's how it ends. One time I was friends with a dude that was wearing a fucking... God damn, this guy made me laugh. I'm not going to say his name. He's a buddy. But holy fuck. One time, I used to live with him and he used to talk

like this man this is how we talk man oh he would laugh like that oh and he would be like i talked about before in the podcast but he goes like this he says man one time dude he was always trying to get chicks it was so funny he's he's like married now and fucking i don't know if he has kids or whatever but he was you know he's like a guy. And he was just like, oh, man. Oh, man, chicks, dude. Oh, he'd say like that. He was so, he was from Ventura, California. It was unbelievable.

He couldn't have been more from Ventura, California. Unbelievable. He was from Ventura, California so hard, his name was fucking Ventura. That's what he was. I should call him fucking, his first name was Mike. I should call him fucking Mike Ventura, pet detective. Hold me up. Anyway.

And he looked for real like a serial killer. Like he had this fucking impossible look in his eyes. That was just like when you think of him in retrospect, you imagine all of his whole eye, even the iris and the pupil, all of it in the white part is allis and the pupil, all of it. And the white part, it's all brown. That's how I imagined him.

Anyway, he's fucking damn sexy too. He was just a sexy dude. Girls loved this dude because he just didn't give a fuck. Anyway, anyway, dude, what story was I telling? Oh, yeah. So he was in Las Vegas once. Man, I telling? Oh, yeah. So he was in Las Vegas once. He said, man, I went to Las Vegas once. Dude, this story fucking made me laugh so hard I cried.

He said, I went to Las Vegas once, man, and I was walking around, man, because he had a turtleneck on when we were talking. I was like, you wear turtlenecks, bro? He was like, yeah, man. So I was in Las Vegas once, and I was just walking around, man. And, dude, I swear to God, dude, I was like, you know, we were all trying to get chicks. But like every time I saw a hot girl walking around in Las Vegas, she was always with a dude wearing a turtleneck.

And I was like, man, man, I got to get a turtleneck. This was in Vegas. So I went, I left the group to get a turtleneck. And I was like, you did? And he was like, yeah, man, all of these girls had the fucking hot, all these hot chicks had dudes with turtlenecks on, man. I was like, how many did you see? He was like, I swear to God, man, every girl, all the guys with turtlenecks.

So I got a turtleneck. Dude, I got a turtleneck and I wore it that night, and I swear to God, I got the hottest chick in Las Vegas. And he was my favorite guy in my life at that point that was the guy he usurped all my family members and friends beforehand that was dude and i was it was so funny to me because i was like i didn't know if he actually thought that it was for real uh i didn't know if he actually thought it was for real, the turtleneck, or if he was in on the joke.

That's why I liked him. When guys who... Because I always feel like I know if someone is for real or not. But dude, that shit was making me laugh. Dude, somebody commented under this mission possible under the Scientology thing. You can skip to any point of the video and still have no clue what the actual hell he's talking about.

Orgs are there to help. Okay. But we, as you know, as also the public, it's like we have a responsibility it's not just the orgs yes we can bring peace and unite cultures let's skip to any part that once you know these tools and you know that they work it's it's not good enough

that bump and play and just do that. You know what I mean? I mean, that's what I want it to be, okay? That's how I would, you know, there's times I'd like to do that. My favorite part about this video is that it's cut together so you can't, like, there's no interview questions. favorite part about this video is that it's cut together so you can't like there's no interview questions i like to imagine the interviewer either i like i either like to imagine the interviewer just like this just the whole time just like just stuttering like the fucking king speech like colin firth just like i i i You remember that? Where they put that in the fucking preview.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. And you're like, all right, guys. We get it. You know, he stutters. Colin Firth fucking killed in that role. I didn't see it, but I know he killed it. And he deserved the Oscar. And I know he deserved the Oscar because I saw a fucking clip of a scene where he was like, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. And if you're fucking trying to kill it playing a part of a guy who stuttered and do it that much, dude, hey, Oscar, there you go.

Golden Globe Award, there you go. Actor's Choice Award, there you go. SAG Award, there you go. NAACP Award, there you go. I know you're not black, but I don't give a fuck you get all the awards. I want to play a stutterer and straight up be a fucking dude that's just... Dude, I'll kill it, dude.

You think I won't kill it? I don't give a fuck. Dude, I'll kill it. Dude, I'll... You put me in a fucking movie with a drama, dude, that's it. It's over.

It's over. I'm going to be the best actor around dude and you know how people on set will be like I don't know if this is working and then that shit cuts together and you see me just that's it dude

people talking about it like how's the shoot going he's playing a stutter It's like, he really, people talking about it like, oh, so how's the shoot going? Yeah, he's playing a stutter, you know. He's really going for it, man. It's kind of weird. I'm not sure. And then you cut that shit together, and the Oscar goes to Chris D'Elia. And I get up on stage, and I give my fucking acceptance speech.

I give my fucking acceptance speech. And you know what it sounds like? When you drive past an accident it's not like anyone else as you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help that's

what drives me is that I know we have an opportunity and to really help and they go ah thank you and to really help. And they go, ah, thank you, Christopher I,

for fucking the prince's speech. So anyway, life rips, babies. Life fucking rips. Life is what you make it. You know what I mean? I know that because I'm a Scientologist. Dude, life rips.

Life rips. You just have to realize it rips and then it rips. That's it. Life rips if you think it rips. It doesn't rip if you don't think it rips. Life rips. You just have to realize it rips and then it rips. That's it. Life rips. If you think it rips, it doesn't rip. If you don't think it rips. If you start being like, oh man, my back, I got back pain. Do I have back pain? Yes. Do sometimes I get a twinge in my shoulder? Yes. Do I let it bog me down sometimes? Honestly? Yes. But then do I stop sometimes and I realize tomorrow might be a better day? Yes. And then do I stop sometimes and I realize tomorrow might be a better day?

Yes. And then do I wake up the next day and do I feel better? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But then the next day do I feel better? Yes. And that is when I realize that life rips? Yes. And then does life start to rip even more?

Yes. That's it, my babies. It's all about attitudes. And he stays drinking LaCroix. And he stays keeping Turducken out his mouth, dude. If I was on an island and somebody was trying to torture me to get information, I would say no unless they tried to fucking put Turducken in my mouth. And I'd be like, okay, okay, I'll fucking tell you who did it.

So anyway. Anyway, my point is don't fucking move my car around when you're a valet guy for no reason. You want to do Long Island misconnections now? You want to do it now? What was the fucking eye roll? Oh, he looks like he's fucking eye rolling, but he's not eye rolling? All right, dude, I see you want to do things. He goes like this.

And then I said, what's up? And he's like, oh, I didn't mean it. Be aware of your face, one fire. You know what I mean? That's the other thing. Have you ever seen people who aren't? I mean, I'm joking with him, but have you seen people who aren't aware of your face one fire you know what i mean that's the other thing be aware have you ever seen people who aren't i mean i'm joking with them but like have you seen people who aren't aware of their face and they're just doing shit like looking at menus like this

like bro what are you doing with your face i want to tap that guy on his shoulder when he's looking at a menu like that and i want to say hey your face is your face what are you doing with i just want to say your face your face and i want to fucking bounce because what are you doing with I just want to say your face is your face and I want to fucking bounce because what are you doing with it you got one face buddy you got one face don't make it do weird shit out in public if you don't want it to be

guys who fucking fucking weird ass make your face rip as hard as possible always, dude. Otherwise, you're not going to get any girls wet. Make your fucking face rip as fucking hard as possible. All right. Long Island Misconnections, which I've been told are so Long Island, it's unbelievable.

IHOP. You were my server at IHOP in Comac. First of all, Comac is such a fucking Long Island-sounding fucking bullshit. Tall Brunette, now I want you to hop on me. So fucking clever. You were my server at IHOP in Comac, Tall tall brunette now i want you to hop on me a fucking poet dude you got poets in long island oh yeah i didn't realize there were poets in long island until i read these fucking misconnections. IHOP. You were my server

at IHOP and Comact 12 Brunette. Now I want you to hop on me. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Ah! The fucking subject of this one, or the title of this one. Free Taco Bell at 1 a.m.

Port Jeff Station. The fact that the name Jeff is in there anyway, anywhere is hilarious. I just pulled up to the drive through and told you and you told me you waited an hour to get your food and they gave you a shitload. So if you offered me some shitload of it. So you offered me some. You in a black SUV and you said you worked at a restaurant. Do not contact me once. Dude, if you're trying to hit on a girl, don't ever say shitload.

That's like saying heaps. You ever talk to a fucking Australian guy like, oh yeah, heaps. Yeah, heaps. I'll lock you heaps. You know? Oh, pussy dried up. You could be drinking a fucking bottle of water. Go back and keep it there. You go drinking fucking bottle of water.

Go back and keep it there. You go drinking a bottle of water. It'd be like, Locky, how's it going? And the girl's just like, oh, I'm so into you.

And you're drinking a bottle of water. Locky heaps. Where the fuck did me water go? Where the fuck did my water go? Oh, you said heaps. And it dried up all the fucking pussies. And even the water dried up.

So you got an empty bottle now. If you're trying... Dude, if you... Dude, I just fucking like you. I like you, girl. I'd like to take you out. You know? Maybe we can go somewhere and get a shitload of food.

Bye. Bye. Bye Does anybody need any help? Guy just said he liked He liked me a shitload And I drove away and got in an accident I'll be right back with your coffee I'll be right back with your coffee. I'll be right back with your coffee.

Wow, this song fucking rips, dude. Fucking with the guitar. Imagine playing this live. What is that even I love how they tried to make it rip more the song already rips

the song already rips dude and they try to fucking when I first saw the first Mission Impossible and they made that fucking song with time I was in the theater out loud I literally go like this oh of course I already knew what it was going to sound like and it did dude

fuck yeah dude I fuck to this I make love to this every time every single time I fuck to this I've made a kid um okay what's the next one one janice oh is there a more name that's fucking what do you call it than janice more long island

than janice maybe no there's not honestly you know what her hair looks like wondering what happened to you janice used to see you driving up the block it's kind of boston i can't get away from it i was a neighbor a few houses down did you move i don't see you anymore hey no your neighbors hey guy she didn't fucking you didn't know her because she didn't because you creeped her out dude do not contact me on unsolicited services or offers you know janice dude every time janice drove by she was like oh there's that fucking creep do not contact me once this is services here's another one you cut my hair should know her you cut my hair. Should know her. You cut my hair Saturday morning. You commented on my gold chain.

Dude. Sotluck Island. I would like to get to know you and thank you for a fantastic haircut. Do nothing. The most New York word is fantastic. For real. You think it's not, but it is.

Oh, it's fantastic. Oh, yeah, you have a pizza at fucking John's. It's fantastic. You get the fantastic dough. You fucking whip it around. It's fucking fantastic, man. You ever try the fucking Lumix cameras? They're fantastic, man.

They get a shot like no other. You never see a fucking shot like this. The way they zoom in and out is fucking fantastic. You ever see the walls over at the fucking museum? Fantastic. Unbelievable. Swear to God, that lake over there. You ever been to Massapeca?

It's fantastic. It's beautiful. It's fucking fantastic. Think I have like two, three months of the year? Fantastic. The other months, also fantastic, but I'm just saying. All right, I guess that's it, huh? All right, I'm going to go.

You guys fucking ripped it. Dude. Turducken, my bitches. If you eat turducken, go fuck yourself. What do we got? My bitches. If you eat turducken, don't go fuck yourself. Uh, what do we got? That's it. Uh,

download the crystal. Yeah. App. You can listen to the watch. You can watch the first little bit of this podcast. Whenever I put it up live before anyone else, there's merch at the store. Crystal.

Yeah. Dot com. We keep on restocking my babies. Uh, you can go get gift cards too for birthdays and stuff if you know that they're a fucking fan of the podcast or whatever, or me.

Tweet me, subscribe, rate, and review the show on iTunes. It really helps. And get the word out there, dude. We're always trying to grow, man. This podcast, we're all about growing.

That's what we're all about, spreading the cult, getting that log cabin eventually. You can tweet me up. And I got to wait on announcing my thing that I said I was going to announce last week. But I got something coming out cool. Coming out cool. And I think I got a few things maybe I got to talk about.

But you guys got to wait on that. Sorry about that. And thanks a lot, guys. You guys are the best, my babies. Thank you very much. See you when we see you. Congratulations! Thank you.