Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 13. The 6

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

Hey! It's the 13th episode, and we're coming to you from Toronto! In today's discussion, Chris talks about making things awkward for people, karma vs. energy, Canadian comedy crowds, what it means to actually not give a fuck, Spooky Black, the beautiful way people dress in Toronto, Drake, boss shit, the road, adults who go to Disneyland, and a whole bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Today's episode was brought to you by Square Cash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Oh, it's by supporting a more sustainable food system. Setting the highest standards for ingredients and building a community of home chefs. If you check out this week's menu on the website, you get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. This episode is also brought to you by Square Cash. Square Cash is the fucking shit. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that, but I'm saying it. Okay? You want to pay somebody back?

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So go and download the Square Cash app now for iOS or Android. Congratulations. What up, my babies? How you doing? It's Chris D'Elia, and this is episode, I think, 13 of, um... What do you call it? Congratulations. Congratulations. And the sound is of a hotel room. And it is because it is because we are in Toronto. And see, now here's the thing. I'm by myself doing this.

And let me just give you a little behind the scenes thing here. All right. I'm behind the scenes. I'm asking my producer stuff on text message while I'm behind the scenes. I'm asking my producer stuff, uh, on text message while I'm doing it while I'm recording you. Now, this is the kind of shit that fucking, this is the shit I don't like. Okay. I'm asking him stuff, what to do, how to do this. I'd say I'm recording. I need to know how to do this and that, how to do this and that with the fucking microphone and all this shit and the ad reads. And he sends me a fucking voice note, dude.

And he sends me a fucking voice note, dude. Now I'm mad. Now I'm mad because that's common sense. You understand? It's common sense to not send a voice note when somebody's recording. But he decided to send a voice note. Now I'm blood red mad. I'm what we call BRM.

And that's blood red mad. That's what it is. Anyway. So that's what he did. This is kind of fucking people I'm working with. And, uh, here I am in my hotel room in Toronto. And, uh, I had the, I went to, the whole thing is I started to record and it, there was a hum in the room and I turned off the air, which I put the heat on, You know how I like my heat. I put the heat on. I turned the heat off. And then it was still humming.

And so I called down and I said, hey, could you guys have somebody come up to turn off the air? Because I still hear it. And the guy came up and was like, you want me to turn the air off? And I was like, yeah, because, you know, I hit off on the thing and that should be, that should be off by the way. You hit the fucking thing off. It's off. Why do I have to call somebody too? It's off if you hit it off. came in and had to open up like some door i didn't even know my hotel my room had it was like one of those doors you'd see in kingsman and he hit it a thing and it went right off and he was like call me if you need the air to be turned back on again ah hey man just i'll just hit the on button what's the deal it doesn't go off if you hit off why is there an off button oh it doesn't go off when you hit off well why is that's cool but i got a quick question for you then why is there an off button, oh, it doesn't go off when you hit off, well, why is, that's cool, but I got a quick question for you then, why is there an off button, so there's gonna, there's

gonna be, you know, some, some bullshit sound stuff going on, but this is how it is, dude, this is the fucking rough-in-it episode, this is the rough-in-it episode of, um, of um congratulations the podcast we're out in the wild we're in toronto toronto fucking ontario and we're roughing it in a fucking hotel room you get odd noises and whatnot um so yeah because i didn't bring my actual microphone. So I'm just talking into this fucking gadget, the zoom. Um, but yeah, so, uh, dude, the fucking rude boys and tings in Toronto are unbelievable, man. There's so many rude boys. There's so many tings. I'm just like, you know, I'm just like beside myself. And by the way, people are coming up to me and saying like, hey, rude boy.

And hey, I'm a ting or whatever the fuck, you know. And I don't know how to react to that. I just go like this. Oh, okay. All right. And then I think they feel uncomfortable. But it's like you're going to feel uncomfortable then. Because I'm not going to be the one that feels uncomfortable about it. So if you walk into a place, say I'm at a,

wherever I am, a library, I'm never there though. Cause of the internet. But if I'm at a library and then somebody says, Hey, rude boy, you're not going to make me the one who's fucking uncomfortable. I look at you like, cause everyone then looks at me for the reaction, right? Like, I'm not saying like, even if they don't know who I am, if somebody walks into a cafe and I'm sitting there reading a script and then fucking somebody walks in, which happened the other day and says, hey, rude boy, you're not going to make me fucking uncomfortable. So, cause everyone then looks to the guy, right? If you walk into a cafe and you say something crazy to somebody, then everyone looks to the guy, the other guy that's been talking to. And it's up to him to fucking smooth out the situation. Guess what I do?

I turn it right the fuck back around on you. I look at you like I don't know you and I don't know what you're talking about. And then they just think you're crazy. And then you, you get uncomfortable. But guess what? You put it on yourself. All right? you put it on yourself all right you put it on yourself you gotta deal with life's issues you put energy out you get the same energy back in that's the fucking karma shit i don't believe in karma because i am karma. You understand?

I was talking to my friend who is in Toronto shooting. He shoots that show Designated Survivor, and he's a buddy of mine, and he was talking to me about karma. He says he lives his life a certain way because he doesn't want the energy he put out if it's negative to come back on him and i know that's like a common thought i mean i hear so many things about karma you can't go one you can't go fucking three steps without somebody mentioned something about karma but uh and i believe in energy, sure. You know, like, it all comes around, right? Like, if I push something down the street, you know, it's going to fucking keep rolling and rolling, even if I'm not there.

And then somebody's, you know, it'll hit somebody, right? Like, there you go. I fucking made something happen because I used energy. And if I say to somebody, fuck you, you piece of shit, they get upset and they walk around town. And then somebody else like their dry cleaning isn't ready. And then they're like, you know what? You piece of shit. You said it was going to be ready by 6 PM. I'm here at six fucking 30. Where's my dry cleaning? And they're just really transferring my energy onto that person who doesn't necessarily deserve it, but maybe they do.

You know what I mean? Maybe they do need it because their fucking dry cleaning isn't ready. But here's what I'm saying is just because you are a fucking, say, if you're an asshole to somebody, that doesn't mean it's going to come back around and bite you in the ass. So if that's what you mean by karma, dude, bad things, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people dude and that's how it is so if you fucking live your life and you're like oh i do this because i don't want bad things to happen first of all you're that's not what a good person does a good person doesn't do good shit because they want good shit to happen to them he a bad person that's evil you selfish all're selfish. All right. If you want fucking, if you don't give a shit, you say, you know what, whatever happens happens, but I'm just

going to be a good person because that's what I, that's who I am. Then you're a good person. All right. But if you believe in karma and you're like, oh, I better be a good person because I don't want bad things to happen to me. You're a piece of shit. So don't talk to me about karma. Talk to me about how you're a bad person. But we went out. I never go out. I straight up never go out. I go out and do my shows and then I go home. And my life is going out, you know, because I go out and I do stand up and then I go to the diner and I go home. But I didn't have shit to do. I'm shooting this movie here in Toronto with some tings and rude boys, and yeah, I'm shooting this movie with some tings and rude boys, oh lord, and I don't know,

they were like, wait, you know, the guys were like, hey, what you going to do? And I was like, well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but they were like, come out, and I said, all right, maybe I'll fucking, this rude boy will go out, you know, the guys were like, hey, what you going to do? And I was like, well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but come out. And I said, all right, maybe I'll fucking this rude boy will go out, you know. It's not something I normally do, but maybe I'll go, you know, maybe it's fucking something I'm going to do, right? So I went out and I hung out and it was cool, man. Mixed company. I hung out with some friends. Another buddy, Jackson McQueen, who's a hilarious comedian. He was out there too

uh la monica garrett who is um uh uh uh on that show designated survivor buddy of mine i did that movie xo i did that movie xoxo with him um and uh and then uh a guy named Richie Watkins, who is fucking awesome and a great actor. And we all hung out. And it was cool, man. LaMonica had been in Toronto for a while, so he knew the ropes. And I was like the fucking bitch. You know what I mean? I was like, ah, so this is what it's like here, huh?

Like the guy in the movie. He was like, yeah, man, yeah. He was cool. He's super tall and just jacked. And I was like the fucking sidekick that was like, ah, cool. So this is what Toronto's like, huh? You know, like the guy in the movie, he was like, yeah, man. Yeah. And he was cool. He's super tall and just jacked. And I'm just like, and I was like the fucking sidekick that was like, oh, cool. So this is what Toronto's like, huh? All right. Pretty cool. I'll have a milkshake. I don't drink. They were all fucking drinking, like not heavy, but like just having some drinks. And I was like, uh, you know, I'll stick with a soda water. I spilled a little. Do you mind if I get another one?

But anyway, we went out. We were rude boys, you know. And that's it. So I shot one day in the movie so far. I've been here since Tuesday. And it's cool. They made me shave and they made me, and I've just, I thought it was going to be cool. Cause I was going to shave and, uh, I was going to like, nobody's going to be able to like recognize me like, but that didn't happen. They

still, they still do. Um, which is kind of cool. You know, it made me feel good. It's like, gosh, the people still know who I am, man. It's not, it's not like they know my face, it's like they know behind my eyes, you know, so, yeah, I, we did that, and then, I get to work with Cuba Gooding Jr., which is fucking awesome. I met him on set, and he is the shit. He's like one of those guys. It's crazy when you've watched an actor so long, and then you meet them, and then they're talking to you, telling you a story, and they're not acting, but you're like, oh, shit, you have the same mannerisms as all the fucking guys you've played. Like I know that sounds really dumb, but it's like you're like, oh, you're Cuba Gooding.

You're being so Cuba Gooding Jr. right now, you know. And it's just fucking cool. And I got to act with him and get into like a little – get into an argument. Fucking did a scene with him. But there's much, much more. I got a lot of fucking, uh, work coming up and I'm being a Toronto. I'm going to be in Toronto for fucking three weeks. Uh, and then I come back to shoot the end of the movie. So, uh, yeah, that's it. And I'm, uh, uh, so that, so that's what I'm doing. So I'm trying to fucking – I went up last night to Yuck Yucks, the comedy club, and I popped in. I did a set there at 8 p.m. And it's a fucking great club, man. I did Yuck Yucks and the crowd was cool. The crowd was Canadian. They were so super Canadian. Like I said, fuck a few times. And I felt like when I say fuck,

when I said fuck on stage, every time a lot of them in their head were going, oh yeah, okay, oh, he's going to swear, huh? Like, and I don't know, maybe it was in my head, but I don't think it was. Because it was the 8 o'clock show, and before me, like some super Canadian comics went on, and then I went on, and I was like,

fucking dick fucking grabbing shit ass. And they were, oh, okay, yeah, oh, you're gonna say dick fucking grabbing ass, eh? Oh, okay. Oh, okay, he's gonna say dick fucking grabbing ass. No, no, it's all good. I just, okay, let me just settle in here. Okay, oh. So I did my set. I don't know if it was good. Some cast members come to see me, so I wanted to do well, you know? Some of the people who are fucking way more famous than me came to see me, so I wanted to do well. That's how insecure I am. Even though I don't give a fuck, you know, I give off that vibe, I give a fuck.

You give a fuck. Even though you don't really give a fuck, you give a fuck. You got to give a fuck a little bit, right? I was talking to the group text. I got this group text going on. It's fucking killer. And, uh, if you don't have a good one or two group texts, by the way, you're nothing in this world. You're 2017. You're 2000 and nothing. What is that? Um, uh, Fergie song. You're 2000 and nothing. Well, I don't know what the fuck she says.

That's what you are. That's what you are. Okay? If you got one or two group text messages going on, that's pretty good. If you got three or four, you're fire. If you go five or six,

you're practically Dikembe Mutombo, dude. You're murdering it. You're murdering it. Nobody can grab that ball from you, man. You got it high up in the sky. You're murdering it. Nobody can grab that ball from you, man. You got it high up in the sky.

I'm getting a more comfortable situation here. So, yeah, so I got like five or six. I'm fucking Dikembe Mutombo on fucking Manute Bowles' shoulders, bro. I got a lot of fucking group texts going on And we got one killer one going on And my buddy was telling me My buddy was telling me Anybody who's like Yeah I'm the shit Fuck you haters I'm the baddest bitch

Or whatever That's the most insecure person And I believe you know, I believe that. So I'm telling you, I don't give a fuck. But secretly I give a fuck. You know what I mean? You got to give a fuck a little bit. That's why you go, oh, oh, you don't give a fuck, dude? Why are you wearing pants? Yo, you don't give a fuck? Real quick. Why you got pants on? Hey, if you don't give a fuck, take your dick out rolling around in Starbucks. Huh? If you don't give a fuck, take your dick out, leave your belt loop,

you know, buckled, unzip your pants, take your dick and balls, hook them out, hook your balls out, hook them out, hook your balls out, okay? So they're just, so they're, so they're, um, so they're flopped over, so they're sticking out. Just your dick and balls out, like in the, in the, um, like in the website, what the fuck is it? There's some porn, Amateur Allure, that's what it is. There's a porn site, Amateur Allure, and the guy only takes his dick and balls out, and it's hilarious. He never takes his pants off, he just takes his dick and balls out and then has sex with the girl.

Do that. If you don't give a fuck, do the Amateur Allure in Starbucks. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. If you don't give a fuck do the amateur allure the Costco

take your dick and balls out you know these rappers I don't give a fuck oh really ludicrous go to Home Depot do the amateur allure oh man a lot of rappers don't give a fuck but secretly give a fuck

you know how you know how you know rappers give a fuck they're buying lots of jewelry they're buying lots of fucking jewelry how about how rappers the most they're like so many of them are homophobic but so many of them are homophobic, but so many of them dress like women. Or not even that, gay men. They have like pink furs on and shit. And they'll be like, I ain't into that gay shit. My favorite line in hip hop that makes me laugh the hardest probably ever was when Jay-Z was doing that song.

It's called the blue, or wait, it's called the something. Excuse me, bitch part two. And he's rapping and rapping and rapping. And for no reason, he says, I ain't into liking dudes. No way. And then he goes back to rapping. And you're like, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

What? It was like in the middle of the rap song. Like somebody, like the producer was just like, yo, you gay? Like while he's rapping, he was like, yeah, I got bitches. But I ain't into liking dudes. No way. And then went to rapping again. By the way, I got more money now. That was so weird. But I laughed so hard when that song happened. I ain't into liking dudes, no way. Hey, nobody said shit. Nobody said you like dudes. Who the fuck ever called Jay-Z gay?

I ain't like dudes, no way. So, um... And Jay-Z doesn't really fucking stunt that much, you know? But a lot of rappers stunt, and it's like, well... Don't... If you don't give a fuck, don't stunt. You know who doesn't give a fuck? I heard about this guy, Spooky Black. He's an R&B singer. He's like a 19-year-old white kid that looks like you'd just fucking find him somewhere. And he doesn't give a fuck, dude. I watched a video of him,

and he's singing like he, it's like he's about to fall asleep. And he has a shirt on that has the Vaseline logo on it. He has a shirt on, and it has the Vaseline logo on it. It was like, maybe, I don't know what his fucking financial situation is, but it was like he got it from the Salvation Army, and he just, I mean, he's got to have money, dude. He's got millions of hits, but he was like, yo, let's make this, somebody's like, make this music video, he was like, should you change, and then Spooky Black was like, nah, fuck that, I wear what I'm wearing, and he's like, but you and your PJs don't care, and then he starts singing, the guy sounds amazing, dude, it's unbelievable, it's so funny how this dude, he's like 19 year old white kid that you just find somewhere. And he sounds like Beyonce as a man. It's amazing. He's great. So, uh, was I got off on a tangent? I mean, that's really what I, what I've been doing. But as the sun goes down, man, in Toronto, I'm doing this Sunday night.

This is when I'm recording it. Little fucking, little behind-the-scenes shit. I don't like it. I don't really like to know when I'm recording because I like it. I want you to think I'm with you right now. You know what I mean? I want you to think I'm with you in your car driving to work. I'm with you in your drawer, in your cubicle at work.

I'm with you in your headphones while you're working out. By the way, there's cheers and shit going on outside of my hotel room. I don't know what the fuck's going on. It's like all of a sudden there's a race or something. So I'm sure you can hear that in the background. But whatever, dude. You get it how you get it, man. This is how you fucking get it. Um, but yeah, uh, a lot of, a lot of, oh, by the way, man, I was out last night. I went out twice, dude, twice.

So I'm like the king of Toronto at this point. But, um, like the king of Toronto at this point. But this is something I think is hilarious. People in Toronto dress immaculate. Dude, it's like their clothes are still hot from the fucking dry cleaners. They look so dope. Everyone dresses so well. It's hilarious. There was this one dude last night. He had on a fucking beige, dope as shit sweater, like a crew neck sweater, and dope as shit beige pants. Like he was like... This is how dope it was though.

I bet he didn't even buy the outfit together. He was like, I could buy it together, but I'd rather find two beiges that were exactly alike and wear them because then I earned this outfit. So I like to imagine that that's how it was. But then also he had on the same color beige shoes, dude. And they were like sneakers. They were dope. He looked awesome. And I was like, man, I got to step my game up. I only brought one bag. I was in like a fucking light blue button down flannel and gray pants and like these fucking, and the Jordans, uh, the, the, what do you call them? Jordans, the, uh, Lance the Jordans uh the the what do you call them Jordans the uh Lance Mountain Jordans that I love but then I had this black jacket on that didn't go with it man like I'm trying to keep it light and friendly and then I had the black jacket on I'm like some dad that kind of

just figured out that you could wear stuff to get pussy you know and I only brought one bag, and this guy's stunting on me with a fucking, I got beige man stunting on me, I mean, he was so ill, he had two earrings in, I don't even remember if he had a hat on or not, that's how dope he was, but this guy was just fucking, and everybody though, people are wearing those circular fucking sunglasses, you know what I'm talking about, like Harry Potter on vacation or some shit, I mean he was, I hate those sunglasses, but you know those are in his shit dude, if those were more in, you could only buy them tomorrow. You know what I mean? Like, they're so in.

They're so now. And all these motherfuckers in Toronto have those circular-ass Big Sean sunglasses. What? Where the fuck did you get those? Tomorrow? Tomorrow? I mean, they're murdering it, dude. I see guys with tight jeans and like a long coat. Come on, man.

This is Toronto. Bro, Toronto doesn't fuck around. Oh, by the way, they like Drake. I don't know if you know that, but they played Drake six times in a row. And guess what? Got no problem with that. Oh, you hear them go, oh, that was like to my podcast. I don't know if you hear that or not, but I got no problem. You want to listen to Drake three

fucking times. I'm in Toronto. Let's do this shit. Ting. I'm going to move this though because, uh, that's bugging me. It's bugging the shit out of me. Oh man. I was cool how I moved how you could tell my fucking belt is undone, because it's fucking, it clinked, clinked while I was moving, fucking loving some Toronto, I'm just sitting in my hotel room watching the fucking sunset, dude, that's some boss shit, I guess that's some boss shit, right, it's not really some boss shit if you saw me. It sounds like some boss shit. I like to think of different scenarios. And this is, I thought about this scenario the other day.

I thought about this scenario the other day. The most boss shit you could do. This is the most boss shit you could do, this is the most boss shit you can do, I think, is to invite a girl over, if you're a guy, okay? And say, yeah, you know, come hang out. And then the girl shows up and there's one orange on the table while you're hanging, and you grab it while you're talking, and you peel it while you're talking, and you eat the whole thing while you guys are talking,

and you don't offer her any. Don't offer her any. Like, if you do that and she doesn't sleep with you, you're a fucking, you got like no nose or something. Like, that's the sexiest thing you can do is to be like, I want this, to not even reference it and to just be like, I'm a boss motherfucker, this is my orange. If you wanted some orange, you can either pipe up, or maybe you got some in your purse. You should have brought your own. I mean, nothing's more of a boss move than doing that. I'm going to do that one day. One orange.

I'm going to do that one day. One orange. There cannot be more than one orange in the bowl or whatever. It has to be one orange because then she could be like, oh, I could eat that other one if I wanted to. She has to know she's not getting any. Dude, I don't know why. I think that kind of shit is the funniest shit ever. But like, I think that like, if I said that kind of a thing on stage, nobody would get it, you know? But whatever, that's how it is, man.

That's for you fucking Tings and Rube boys to realize. That's for you fucking Tings and Rube boys to fucking call. It's not up to me. It's up to you guys. If you laugh, you laugh. If and Rue boys to fucking call. It's not up to me. It's up to you guys. If you laugh, you laugh. If you don't, you don't.

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And all the other ones, they don't offer instant deposits. Square Cash does. Nobody's holding this money. You send it, they're getting it. You feel me? By the way, this is the road. This is the road. I mean, I know I'm not on the road doing standup. I did do standup last night. I mean, so many caveats to what I just said. There were 40 caveats in one sentence, but, um, this is what we do on the road comics. We sit and

we watch, we sit in our hotel room and we kick it and we watch, you know, we watch TV, you know, we watch, you know, we watch ice when I know, we watch, you know, we watch. When I'm on the road, I don't even realize what I'm watching. I swear to God, the French channel's been on for fucking three hours in the other room. I know all the French actors that are on that. I've seen shit already looped. Dude, I know, I know shit is like, I know it's like kind of dumb to say like – say this.

But the French are so French. They're the most of their country of anybody's country. Do you know what I'm trying to say? You know what I'm trying to say. I didn't say it right but you know you know what I'm trying to say? You know what I'm trying to say. I didn't say it right, but you know what the fuck I'm trying to say. Like Irish people are super Irish, but they are not more Irish than French are French. Africans can be super African. They're not more African than French are French.

Dude, French people. I turned on a fuck in the TV the other day. You know what was on? You know what was on? On the French channel? A fucking movie called Mustache. And I shit you not, guys were wearing like crew neck cable knit sweaters with fucking collared button downs under it. Ah, hey, could you be more French?

Oh, dude, you could only be more French if you were a baguette. All right? You're the most French guy ever. In a movie called Mustache? Dude, if somebody was like, my agents called me and they were like, hey, man, they want you to be in a movie called Mustache. My next response would be, oh, shit, well, that's cool. I guess I've never been to France because that's where they're definitely shooting. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's cool, I guess. I've never been to France because that's where they're definitely shooting. That's what every line was.

Suffensive, but still. Mustache. I don't call it mustache. Oh, my. I don't know what it was about because it was in French, but imagine, what would it have to be about for a movie to be called mustache? It's not about a mustache.

You know why? That would be the most boring movie of all time. So what's it about? And why is it called mustache? I got to figure that out, dude. That's my new detective shit. I'm pretty fucking happy right now. I got to tell you, I'm pretty fucking happy right now, man. And I feel like I should tell you this because a lot of times people think,

people don't understand that I'm joking on this podcast. And they think that like, oh, he fucking hates everything. Shut the fuck up. I'm having a good time joking around. And I'm razzing motherfuckers. All right. But so I'm telling you right now, I'm happy, dude. I'm out here in Toronto.

I'm shooting a movie. I'm doing something a little different. It's a drama. I'm playing a part that I never would have thought I would have played in the next few years. And I'm happy about it. It's a fucking interesting part in the movie that I'm very happy to do. It's got a great cast. It's for Sony. And I'm fucking happy about it. And I just shot my third special. And I wanted to do something different right after I shot my third special. And this is it, man. I'm lucky. And I'm happy about it. And this is it, man. I'm lucky.

And I'm happy about it. And I'm thanking the fucking universe or whoever, Nicolas Cage, to fucking, you know, that I'm able to do this shit. And that's that. Because I don't say I'm fucking happy that much. So I'm saying it. And I'm in this room in Toronto while the sun goes down. And you know what? I just realized what that fucking screams were now, actually. be that much. So I'm saying it. And I'm in this room in Toronto while the sun goes down. And I, and you know what? I just realized that that fucking screams were now actually, they're

actually, they're watching the goddamn hockey game next door in the, in the next hotel. And now I'm back to angry. That's what I'm. So, you know, it lasted for a little bit, but that's, it wasn't a parade, which would have made me angry enough. Cause don't have parades. Hey, you know, I don't have parades. You actually, I'm not, you know, I don't have parades. Hey, you know why I don't have parades? Actually, I'm not. You know why I don't have parades. Because you can just walk around with shirts on and shit with fucking streamers. You're going to sit around.

You're going to sit in a car while it goes five miles an hour? Nah. Nah. You're going to sit in a car and go as fast as you go when you walk? Hey, just walk. And don't do it with 70 other people wearing the same shirt. Parades are for the fucking birds, dude. But it's not a parade. It is a fucking bunch of guys. There's a bunch of Canadians in the next room watching the fucking Leafs play. I don't even know the names. I don't know the names, dude. The Fire. You watching the Chicago Fire play?

That's an NBC show. I don't even know if that's a fucking team. You watching the fucking Hometown Honkeys play? My buddy told me that in Canada, if the Final Four was on in basketball and also a regular exhibition fucking Canucks game was on in hockey that nobody would be watching the Final Four. And that's awesome. That's awesome. That's so Canadian and you be Canada, you. But guess what? Canada and Canadians, you're not more Canadians than the French are French. Okay? Mustache. You understand?

It's not even a mustache. You know what it was? Mustache. Oh. Hey, dude, what was the movie about? A fucking baguette with an easel? Ah.

Ah, shit. Painting is French as shit, dude. They got a good gym in the hotel I'm at. I try so hard not to say the hotels that I'm at and shit like that because I don't want people showing up and stabbing me. But, yeah, they got a good gym. And it's super hard to work out for some reason. I think it's because I'm tired or jet lagged or some shit. But it's also they have the heat on in the gym because it's – that's the one thing about Toronto.

I'm at the time in Toronto where they don't realize that it's getting warmer yet and the heat is still on in all these establishments. So it's like 65 degrees, which isn't that bad, or fucking 12 degrees Celsius, whatever the fuck. I don't know what it means, what the Celsius is. But you walk in and it's hot as shit. And they're still, the heat's still on because there's like, Oh, it's still the winter though. Yeah. Um, so, uh, so it's so hot at the gym, but I guess it's good for sweating it out, but I fucking had to wax my chest, which is gross, dude. I hated that. I had to do that, but I had to do it for the part. They want me fucking clean, dude. And they want me clean as shit.

And so I waxed it, and it sweat all over, and I fucking got so red. My chest was this red that they had to fucking put makeup on it. Oh, God, who am I? Who am I, you know? Sometimes I think about my grandfather like what the fuck he would say about what I was doing you waxing his chest hey you waxing his chest

he was from Queens New York my dad said he couldn't say the word he couldn't say the letter H he would say H you hear those guys screaming how good could this goddamn hockey game be my dad said he couldn't say the word, he couldn't say the letter H, he would say H. You hear those guys screaming? How good could this goddamn hockey game be? Every four seconds,

oh, chill, dude. It better be the first fucking, third or fourth quarter, whatever, it's one, they're third, right? What are they called?

First period, that's what they say. Because they're going to tire themselves out, dude, by the end. So, yeah, he wouldn't say, he couldn't say H, he'd say H. And my dad and his brothers would be like, no, no, no, just say H. Okay, say A, and you go A, and they say ch, ch. So A, ch. A, ch.

And they say, put it together. And you go, H. I don't know if I believe that shit, but my dad told it to me, so it must be true, you know. Dads don't lie, right? But anyway, I'm happy. But I didn't,

I'm fully clothed, by the way, in my hotel room. If you're fully clothed in your hotel room, that's kind of weird, you know? Like, just fucking take your shoes off at least. I got my shoes on, my pants on. I got a hoodie on. Like, I'm like Eminem. You got to be fucking naked as shit in your hotel room immediately. That's the real boss shit

you know you think high-level producers don't do that shit no they do that shit as soon as they get into their fucking uh hotel room they do the amateur allure shit is what they do they do that oh that's what they do dude oh that's what they do, dude. Oh, that's what they do. Let me check some of these hashtags, dude. Every fucking Sunday and Monday, people write Gaming the Systems. I'm going to start to use that as the – no. Congratulations pod is the hashtag, and I'm checking it. Here we go. My buddy Dylan.

Actually, I don't know if I've met him or not, but he said, at D-Y-L-L-Y-P, congratulations, pod, is the legit, the funniest ish I've ever listened to. He has me wheezing. Salute, Chris D'Elia. Thank you, my man.

That's a shout out for you. This is a good one. This is at the top uh the the at reply is at never not had sex and the thing is twaint mask change it hey you got to change that because it's two completely different things that also both make zero sense you You can't never not have sex. You'll die. You can't just always be fucking. You know why? Because sometimes in life, you're a baby. Twaint mask. What is it? Bye. Nonetheless, the question is, my friend fingered his girlfriend in the back of my car without my consent knowledge while I was driving. Thoughts? My thoughts are be more observant, twaint mask. By the way, how'd you find out? It depends. If you found out while they were

doing it, then they fucked up. You got to be more quiet if you're going to do some shit like that, okay? But if you found out later because they told you, joke's on you, dude. Never not had sex? Well, you obviously sometimes don't have sex because you were driving at that moment. So I don't like how not real your Twitter handle is. So yeah, a lot of people responded last week to the fucking quotes things that I was saying. Don't have the stupid fucking as shit quotes on Instagram. Very cool. Um, this dude said Zach Hoyle, Hoyle Zachary said, uh, I just started watching a Netflix documentary and realized it was the violin goat silk one and I'm dying. Yeah, bro. That fucking motherfucker, man. That guy was some bored ass motherfucker. Um,

motherfucker man that guy was some bored ass motherfucker um so yeah um now here's the thing and this guy rudy vasquez at rudy cv 1994 not bad not bad you got your name in there 1994 was probably when you were born or something um people come to disneyland in 80 degree weather dressed dapper quote dapper love the podcast i mean it made me gay okay well i guess that's good um but dapper and then he sent me a screenshot of dapper day at disneyland here's the deal man if you're going to disneyland already you're an asshole all right now i don't mean if you got kids and you take them to Disneyland, you're not an asshole. You're a very sweet human being. But if you're one of those people that's in their 30s and you're going to Disneyland dressed however, you're an asshole. Sweat char.

Okay? Because don't go to Disneyland if you're in your 30s. Because you know what? It's not fun. And it's not cute fun. And it's not ironic fun. And it's not ironic fun. It's what we call zero fun. You're doing too many things.

Stop stimulating your brain. You're boring. You need stimuli. So Dapper Day is, I guess they're all dressed up as like old-timey motherfuckers, I guess. Or I guess they dressed up. I don't know. they all, they look like they have like, like nice outfits on, or something, I don't really get it, no, no, these people dress like they're fucking chipmunks, oh, that's infuriating, uh, let me see what this is,

oh, I guess it's dressing as Disney characters, let me look at this up on Instagram, let me try not to say that in a drunk way, let me look at this up on characters. Let me look at this up on Instagram. Let me try not to say that in a drunk way. Let me look at this up on Instagram. Let me look at this up on Instagram. So drunk. Dapper Day. Here we go. Dapper Day.

Oh, 220,000 posts. All right. Oh, and then there's Dapper Day 2016, which means it happens every year. Change it. Yeah, I guess you're going as Disney characters. Okay. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, I just don't get it. You know, if you got a kid, go do it. But don't, are you 40 and you have fun dressing up? Look, I'm not telling you, you can't do it. Obviously, you can do it. do it, it's free conch. It's free conch. But, you know, if you do it, you're not going to be at a dinner table with me. And look, and that's fine. I'm not saying I'm the shit and

you got to have dinner with me, but we're just not going to see eye to eye. yeah, these people are dressed up as everybody, man, wow, who has these outfits, you know, do you rent them, like, this guy just has a blue, a light blue, baby blue blazer with a white bow tie and a, and a, and a fucking hat that looks like a racist would wear, and, uh, and a pastel, like, violet button violet button down and white pants like who has any of those out those uh items and then all of them like that's like having one of those is like it's like all of them it's like like you're all a Voltron together. Like, you need seven people to have those outfits. And that makes Voltron. This guy's all Voltron together.

You catch me? Catch what I'm saying? I don't know. But props if you're fucking bringing your kids and you're dressing up, and that's cute as shit. That's what I think. If you dress really nice and you want to do it with your kid and you bring them and it makes them happy, that's cute as shit, dude.

And then try to make sure that that kid doesn't change and grow up to be a fucking asshole because most people do, you know? Sometimes I look at kids and I think how cute they are and then I think, ah, but they're such, they're going to grow up and just be a motherfucker. They're gonna, they're going to do motherfucker things. We all do. We all do motherfucker things. Yeah. It's a sad thought, but I'm happy. What else have we got here? Oh. That's a stupid one. Devon Wilson, at Devon Wilson 1.

Would you rather not be able to make any new memories or see everyone under 5'5 as muffins? That guy's obviously on some fucking acid. Um, okay, I don't want latest. I want top. Here we go. I want the fucking top ones. Um. Oh, wow, this is funny somebody nate at that fresh fresh change it will of course change it that fresh fresh is your handle bye he writes check out this lady eating a melon on the floor in LAX and I fucking he has a picture of a lady

putting a fucking watermelon on the floor and she's scooping it out eating it like a fucking lunatic dude that's like a dream I would have yeah this lady was at the airport eating half of a watermelon. And she was my mom, but also kind of not my mom. So, well, I think that about wraps it up. By the way, oh, by the way, dude, somebody got stung. I meant to talk about this by a scorpion on United about a fucking few days ago. There was a scorpion on the plane. How? How does a scorpion get on the plane? How does a scorpion get on the plane, dude? That's like the Sam Jackson movie. I got to get these goddamn

scorpions off this motherfucking plane. United. Did Snakes on a Plane, was that a documentary about a United flight? Dude, United just fucking blows donkey dicks. Man, congratulations, United. You blow donkey dicks. You line up and you blow donkey dicks. I mean, dude, they beat the shit out of somebody and then a fucking scorpion was on their plane. Are you trying to fail? Turn around. I want somebody to take... You want, I'm going to ask

people to do? I'm going to fucking ask people to ask United employees to turn round. Legit. Record it. Say, hey, turn round. Go up to the front desk. Hey, uh, yeah, is the flight on time? And when they say, oh no, it's delayed 17 hours, say

okay, turn round. And when they say what? Say, you know, you know what the fuck I'm talking, you know, congratulations or some shit. I mean, just come on. Turn around, dude. I got to make sure it's to say turn around. Congratulations. All right. Well, that's it, man. Congratulations. That was the 13th. I believe the 13th episode. I have no idea. Could be the 12th or 14th. I have no fucking idea. But yeah, so that's how we do it. Thank you for listening. And you could check out – by the way, you could check out this week's menu on Blue Apron. Go to blueapron.com slash congrats and go check that out. And the first three meals are free with free shipping too.

So not like kind of free, completely free by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. So you can do that. And also don't forget to download that Square Cash app unless you sincerely are a bad person because you consider yourself a noble person, you noble person, then get the Square Cash app and very quickly, okay? Because if you don't do it, you're a piece of shit. Square Cash app and very quickly, okay? Because if you don't do it, you're a piece of shit. Square Cash app now. Thank you so much, my babies. You guys are the best for listening and listen to me, man.

You got to rate and review this, please, all right? Because I shit you not if the numbers go down, I'll stop doing it, all right? So share it with your friends and you know share the links and rate it and review it please and download it review it on iTunes

catch it on Stitcher or all that other shit so that'd be a big help thanks very much and shoot me questions and suggestions at hashtag

congratulations pot and I was just kidding about the suggestions because I fucking absolutely will hate that. Okay, guys. Take care. You piece of shit. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Oh, fucker. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob. You big fucking fucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you, bitch. Motherfucker. Right here. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.