Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 135. Life Rips

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks more about Matthias Schweighöfer, Kid Rock, The Art of Racing in the Rain, Travis Scott, dying your beard, the horizontal mambo, bucket lists, and the "don't wanna" level.  Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply here we go. Guess what? We recorded this episode two or three weeks ago. You've got no idea unless you have access to my app, which you can download at the app store because I'm live. And I go live, babies. I go live when I do my shows on my app.

And so you don't know that unless you have that. So maybe I'm talking about stuff two, three weeks ago, but whatever. It doesn't fucking matter because you're going to just kind of have fun with it no matter what. And you're here for me, babies. And I'm here for you. I'll be in, let's see, Santa Barbara, Riverside, San Diego, California, Foxwoods, Connecticut, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Rochester, New York, Detroit, Michigan, and then Minneapolis to tape my special, Tampa, Florida. I got a bunch of these shows coming up. So Hollywood, Florida, El Paso, Texas, Houston, Texas.

That's where I'll be. My babies. That's where I'll be. My babies, that's where I'll be. And do you know why? Because life fucking rips, dude. You know what? It always surprises me how much people like inspirational shit on Instagram. Or just period, really. I mean, it's the whole reason why that fucking place was a was able to be

something in the mall remember that place called whatever it was called like impressions or whatever the fuck and you roll by it and it would have pictures of it would have the framed picture of a whale's tail and uh it'll be like perseverance or whatever what the fuck was it called doesn't even it doesn't matter at all but i will tell you this i got my shirt on with my sunglasses on and a shirt with my face with my sunglasses on and the reason why is because dude i'm features too bright so wear your sunglasses today dude because people because let's be you know let's fucking because i'm inspirational man i'm inspirational dude i can't help it it feels good life i told you life rips and it does dude

but it rips but it's also life is hot so i'm gonna turn the fan on um yeah so that's that's what that's what's up, dude. Anyway, I got my fucking sunglasses on because it's so goddamn bright, dude, when I look ahead. I can't help it. I'm in Albuquerque. I'm still back and forth, and he's fucking still back and forth in Albuquerque.

He can't help it because he's doing a movie. He's doing a movie, and it's doing a movie and it's really fun and it's really fucking hot and the fan doesn't work so that's great dude yes the fan doesn't work and it's plugged in oh because fucking one fire kicked it out

when he was setting up yes the plug fucking kicked out because when one fire was setting up, he fucking hit it with his dumb shin. Yes, dude! Fuck yes! We're starting off hot and sweaty. Fuck yes! So I gotta

put this fucking thing back in, and then I gotta start it. Technical difficulties? Yes! Good thing my sunglasses are on, dude. I don't want to get cataracts. You understand, dude? I went to the doctor the other day, and I was like,

Doc, what's going on with my eyes? And he goes like this, cataracts. And I'm like, why? And he goes, have you been out in the sun a lot? And I go, no. And he says, well, what the fuck? And I left. And he goes like this, I'm at a loss.

And I'm like, well, what the fuck do I do, dude, usually the doctors like take two of these, call me in the morning, but he didn't do that, so I got, I slept out of here, fucking went back to another doctor, got a second opinion, he's like, I don't know what the fuck to do, dude, I was like, you're not gonna give me two of these to fucking call you in the morning next time and he goes like this i don't know what to do dude and then they both called me a fucking about a week later and they go like this dude i didn't know who you were i didn't know who you were when you came in i mean i knew you maybe you dabbled in comedy or whatever the fuck but then they said guess what i know who you are now and it's because you were on my tv and i go go, what? And they go, yeah, I caught you in some stuff on Netflix. I caught you in some stuff just on TV, on network TV.

And I'm like, he does network too? And I go, yeah. And he says, I think that it might be, the cataracts might be from your future. Because it's too bright. So now I wear these fucking sunglasses, and guess what? The cataracts went away. so now I wear these fucking sunglasses and guess what the cataracts went away and not many people

will honestly make up a whole fucking story on their podcast that isn't true and fucking tell it to you because you can go to other podcasts for the news you can go to other podcasts for fucking interviews but there is one podcast

that gives you a fucking silly goddamn goose time and that's it dude that is fucking interviews but there is one podcast that gives you a fucking silly goddamn goose time and that's it dude that is it man if you're coming here for info if you're coming here for interviews if you're coming here for other shit other than a silly goose time and that's it then dude as they say you're in the wrong neighborhood. One time I was shot at, dude. And that's real shit. I was walking to a fucking girl's house. This was so long ago, man.

I was walking to a girl's house, and when I got there, she was like, it's a bad neighborhood. And I was like, it's going to be fine, dude. Because chicks are always like, it's a bad neighborhood. And it's not, you know, because they're chicks. But when you get a real beefy fucking dude with shoulders that they film Lord of the Rings on, I parked

fucking two blocks away just to make a point. I'm crossing over the fucking street. I'm taking, you know, I parked parallel and perpendicular to her house. And as I cross the street i hear and then and i go what the fuck and then i go oh i was shot at and then ran ran like a fucking bitch to her house. Oh, yeah.

Did we hook up? Yes. Was it extra good because I got shot at? Yes. Still in the back of my head, was I sad for her because she lived there? Yes. Did I still splurt? Yes.

Did she move? Probably. Does she live there anymore probably not don't think about it every now and then yes did i block it out no anyway dude splurting in bad neighborhoods is way hotter because you never know what's gonna happen dude and we know that next why would I even talk about that? Because it's so fucking obvious, dude. Yeah, dude. So you come here for a silly goose goddamn time.

And if anyone else tells you that you go to a fucking other podcast for a silly goose time, bro, get out of here. Other podcasts and fucking shit, they can have a silly goose time. But you come here for the real silly goose time, dude. Anyway, man, I'm chilling, dude. can have a silly goose time but you come here for the real silly goose time dude anyway man i'm chilling dude i'm back in la for fucking two days to do this podcast just so i can get it out there and and and uh i did a show at the comedy store at the laugh factory and comedy store and i talked about the cookie monster on stage for fucking, I don't even know why. And it wasn't good.

And it's okay, dude, because alive reps. For fuck's sake. Just drank some water, dude. But yeah. Man, if somebody didn't like me and they heard this and they thought, well, you know what? I'll give him I'll give his podcast one shot and they turn on this episode. They would hate me extra. I'll tell you that much.

That's for sure. But it's fine, dude. Uh. Yeah. My fucking new friend, Matthias, and I'm on the movie. He gets more German by the second. He said feats the other day but um you know he uh he was like uh he's becoming a really good friend of mine and uh i forgot why i brought him up but oh yeah he really liked fucking when i talked about him

on my podcast um he's the nicest guy man i feel feel like Germans are extra nice because of what happened. You know what I mean? I'm not going to mention it, but you know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about, right? You know what I mean? Rhymes with fucking Bittler. But you do the math, right? I'm not going to say it, but you get it it are my lips chapped yes is it because i was in albuquerque for two weeks yes dude of course it is do my lips always get chapped in the same place yeah dude do i wake up in the morning and then sometimes look in the mirror and my fucking mouth is bleeding like i'm a zombie, yeah, yeah, fucking, did you see, I can't even tell you how much I thought

about Kid Rock tweeting to Taylor Swift, I just can't tell you how much I've thought about it, it's so weird, it's fucking weird how much a political like a political stance can divide your fans like somebody i was talking about guns and shit and somebody was like i mean every time i tweet and it's not that to me that's not even a political thing like if just people are dying you got to fix the situation and people are like stale set of politics comedian and I'm just like, I can't, I don't know how to,

um, I don't know how to do it. You know, I just, whatever. I responded to some guy. I was like, I'm the,

if you think being political, me talking about people dying is being political, then I'm the goddamn vice president. Cause you're goddamn right. I'm political. And, uh, so I, I, but, but the fucking, the kid rock thing is just such a mess

it's weird because it's like a guy like me who doesn't know shit about kid rock like would be if if i didn't know anything about him like i don't care like i don't care if you think that all americans need guns i don't think that there should be automatic weapons for sale to civilians. Also, here's the other thing, too. When people are like, yeah, well, the government, you know, this rule was put in place so the government can't. Dude, the government can nuke you. You think you're going to hold off the government with an assault rifle they got nukes you know what what also they have more people

dude oh oh yeah dude hey fucking keep your yeah keep the government away from your fucking townhouse with an AK-47 and 32 bullets. But you know what the government has? More people. Dude, they'll fucking crash a tank through your townhouse. And you know it. Like, what are you talking about yeah well i'm here for when the government tries to take over it already took over they've got so many people so that's a weird as fuck um argument for me that being said i you know security have a guy with a gun in the fucking

walmart protecting everyone have that shit i don't you know what it's like that guy who fucking um the other day who who held the other guy at bay because he was security and he had a gun and he was holding the guy uh and who brought in an assault rifle. I don't know where it was. You remember? Something like 7-Eleven. Who the fuck knows? But he held him.

Good, good, good, good, dude. Have armed guards around. I don't give a shit. But, like, I saw that picture of a guy who had the fucking assault rifle and he was, like, in line at a coffee bean. Like, dude, leave it in the car. Somebody was like, would you be more scared or less scared if if you saw this guy in the in the coffee bean because you know that he could protect hey god the guy had fucking jeans on you know if you're wearing jeans don't have an assault rifle dude wear camo and be in the government or army

it's so weird to be like in line with an assault rifle over your back and you're just like yeah let me get a anything oh you got chai yeah don't come to me for political views too like if you're fucking straight up like well dude lost a podcast fan i all right okay you know Side of the fuck Nara, dude.

I told you. Silly goose time. Period. But yeah. It's hilarious at getting rid of video games and that movie The Hunt. They cancelled that shit.

Crazy. They cancelled that shit. Crazy. They canceled that shit. Universal canceled the movie The Hunt. It was going to be out. Put it up. Bring it up in here. It was going to be out. And they just fucking gone.

Just gone. Because of how, I guess, Universal cancels The Hunt release. Universal Pictures scroll up. Universal Pictures canceled the release of its upcoming thriller, The Hunt. The film was previously set to hit theaters September 27th when Universal Pictures had already paused the marketing campaign for The Hunt after thoughtful consideration. I get that.

The studio has decided to cancel our plans to release the film. A spokesperson for Universal said it in a statement. We stand by our filmmakers and will continue to distribute films in partnership with the bold and visionary creators like those. Now's not the time to release this film. They're not going to release it. That's the thing, dude. You know, on one hand, it's censor you know i get i get being like sensitive and shit but also that censorship it really is because trump was saying you know

i loved the tweet too that trump did was just a mess about it he was just like what did he say let me look it it up here. I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I can't get the code in. I'm pissed. All good. I can't get my code in. What did he say? Yeah, but he didn't say the taunt in it.

Dude, he fucking tweets so much, dude. Liberal Hollywood is racist at the highest level. Okay. liberal hollywood is racist at the highest level okay and with great anger and hate they'd like to call themselves elite but they are not elite now this is weird because like i'm in hollywood and i've never heard someone in hollywood be like you know i'm elite they do yeah they yeah exactly they say that you know people are only saying the hollywood elite when they're making fun of hollywood like nobody thinks they're elite like who thinks they're elite unless you're like a fucking soldier that went through training you're not elite because you were in fucking uh what's that movie with milo ventimiglia and the dog you're not elite because you're fucking jenna elfman you know you're just in some shit

elite but he's right they like to call themselves elite but they are not elite in fact it is off imagine me thinking i'm elite because I was in the show Whitney. Well, you know I'm elite because I was in an episode of Workaholics and Undateable. In fact, it is often the people that they strongly oppose that are actually the elite. Okay, so now he's calling himself elite. The movie coming out is made in order to inflame and cause chaos. They create their own violence and then try to blame others.

They are the true racists and very bad for our country. I like how basic he gets. Sometimes they're very bad for our country. Like it's like, like he's learning about it. Like he just figured it out. They are the true racists. I don't understand. He tweets a mess. Like he's learning about it. Like he just figured it out. They're the true racists.

I don't understand. He tweets a mess. I don't understand how he's saying that makes them the true racists. It doesn't have anything to do with race. Okay. Speaking of which, did you see what Biden said about the fucking... What a fucking mess that was, dude. I don't think that he... I don't know if he'll hold it together, man.

Could he look more like a fucking pilot that doesn't fly anymore? Poor kids are just as bright as white kids ah major mistake i mean just major mistake imagine being up there saying that and then knowing you fucked up he tried to make it better too which was the best afterwards he goes like this poor kids are just as tried to make it better too which was the best afterwards he goes like this poor kids are just as smart and talented as white kids and then he goes and black kids and asian whatever i tooted runs away and then massages a girl's shoulders real quick i don't know biden dude i don't know i mean i don't i don't know enough about anybody's policies because i'm a fucking ignoramus but that shit was like oof

i mean dude that's so fucking it's crazy how that's the kind of thing that can uh It's crazy how that's the kind of thing that can ruin you, you know? After that, you think he's done? He just fucks up too much. He just fucks up too much. I don't know if he'd be good or bad, but I did like how he went, bingo! That's my favorite thing that any politician has ever done.

Because every politician is like, well, you know, we don don't want to do this but we do want to do that and so it's not a yes or no question but they were like so you want to take a take away assault rifles bingo like this shit like had a hard dick when he said it i love that that's hilarious to me. I just love... I kind of don't even care what you believe in. I love... You got to... The way you believe in it is the best. Like... But yeah, Kid Rock, dude.

When Kid Rock said the thing about... about... about... Taylor Swift. That's a mess too. Taylor Swift wants That's a mess too. Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat because she wants to be in movies.

Period. And it looks like she will suck the doorknob off Hollyweird to get there. Oldest move in the book. Good luck, girl. Kid Rock. Hey, Kid Rock, you don't have to sign your tweet. Know why? It says twice above the tweet your name it says kid rock at kid rock

taylor swift wants to be done blah blah good luck girl kid rock republicans love to sign the shit out of their tweet like it's a letter like they did some shit sincerely kid rock also kid rock Sincerely, Kid Rock. Also, Kid Rock is your name, you know? Don't sign off on anything because your name is Kid Rock. So funny, dude. Also, suck the doorknob off Hollyweird. Dude, Hollyweird sucks when people say that. Are you a fucking 15-year-old chick on vacation? Hollyweird.

What a fucking weird asshole, you know? Hollyweird. Suck the doorknob. What a fucking weird asshole, you know? Holly weird. Suck the doorknob. Like, just say dicks. Imagine thinking, man. Like, what did I, I tweeted about it, I think, and I wrote it. What did I say? Just imagine being like, dude, I can't get over the fact.

Go down. Right there. No, down. Down. Where is it? How many times did I goddamn tweet the other day? I can't think about how weird Kid Rock's tweet was. Of all the things we've met in the world, you're mad that Taylor Swift is a Democrat. But then I realized this.

It's better than that. He thinks she's trying to get into movies by pretending she's a Democrat, dude. Like, imagine her thought process. She's like, God, I really want to do movies. I bet I could get cats if I went blue. She's the biggest fucking singer in the world. Also, somebody tweeted after that they were like hey kid rock are you jealous taylor swift is in cats that's so funny to think about kid rock being like oh like to watching the cats trailer

and then having him be like oh oh oh they made this movie without me like and then saw taylor swift in it and then just is up in arms like what the fuck they call me kid rock why are you mad i guess because that's the thing when when somebody says who's got a huge fan base, is like, okay, well, fuck this. You know, now I got to speak out. Like, you could just lose a lot of fans, I guess. That's my favorite, when people are just like, well, okay. I bought your last album.

It's the last album of yours I buy. Like, Taylor Swift could give a fuck you know the art of racing in the rain that's what it is what a cock ass name for that for that cock ass book if i like there isn't a book that would be in the airport more than the art of racing in the rain did they sell those exclusively at hudson news that fucking name is such a cuck name dude i mean either a woman wrote it this is the only thing or a guy oh oh okay his name is garth that makes sense there you go there you go. There you go.

A guy named Garth wrote that book. The Art of Racing in the Rain. The art! Not an art. Oh, you mean racing? It's just racing. Call the book Racing. God, that's so pretentious, dude. The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Starring a dog. I like Milo Ventimiglia, though. I fucking like that dude. That dude is ripped, and he's like a man, and he's in that movie, but he's not too... He's just... I don't know. I met him once or twice. I just like that dude, and I'm happy he's got success on that movie or show. What is it? Once This is us or whatever the fuck um and everyone says i look like him and stuff so i guess i have to like

him it's so funny that uh people like people who secretly look like them that's always that's so funny like bald dudes fucking at the gym love The Rock and Jason Statham. That's just how they are. You got to. You have to. Fuck that guy. You never hear a bald guy say fuck that guy about The Rock. Like you'll never hear that.

Nah, not for me, man. Nah. He represents you, you know. I guess what I'm saying is, my love and familiar, you represent me. Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is my love and Amelia you represent me um yeah anyway I'm fucking cool too okay

I'm fucking cool too dude I wore a fucking cool shirt the other day and everyone was like what and they looked at me a little longer and i've got a tan dude so people were like kind of impressed i walked into the laugh actor i saw people the way they looked at me like friends of mine they looked at me and i saw some of them look at me like haters that's how i know i looked good i had fucking tan i was a tan on i had my shirt unbuttoned a little bit so the chest hair was

peeking out like somebody was fucking peering out of a bush. That's what it looked like. My chest hair was cool. And I smiled a lot. And the shirt was nice, dude. It was like, felt good. People thought, oh, all right.

Brent Moran goes like this, oh, you used to make fun of me for wearing stuff like that. And I said, yeah, I know because it wasn't in then and it is now. slam but whatever gentle fucking slam i just tucked him away tucked him in bed and just went good night night buddy i gotta start saying night night buddy after i slam somebody dude you used to make fun of me for wearing stuff like that yeah

because it wasn't in when you did it and now it is night night buddy and then just walk on stage and just fucking uh what was i saying oh yeah ads here we Anyway, dude, we got to make money. So that's why we do ads. If I wasn't able to do ads, I wouldn't do this podcast. A lot of people will be like, oh, so you're going to do ads, huh? Sell out. That's the whole goal, baby.

Sell it out. When you go and you do a theater show, are you trying to sell half the theater show are you trying to sell half the seats are you trying to sell out that's right um uh this was great when i tweeted this what not did the tweet wasn't great but when people got mad i wrote do you have the rewards app no would you like to get it no are you a member no do you want to be for special no would you like a receipt give me my fucking shit and let me leave like that's like every place you go to is like hey would you like a thing no you want it no did you want it no can i have my fucking donut or what's what's the deal here and then somebody writes to me people are just doing

their job and what they're told to do point this at general energy at companies not the human making crap pay who doesn't even want to ask in the first place. I write, point your garbage energy at someone who isn't a comedian. I'm not making a joke. And then another person writes, jokes are supposed to be funny. And I wrote, I wonder if there might be a better chance that you just may have a bad sense of humor. Now, night-night, buddy. Night-night, buddy.

I didn't know there were beds in denny's sorry dude i'm not in my waiter uniform but here's an all-american grand slam night night buddy you shouldn't eat so close to bedtime because it'll give you bad dreams or restless leg syndrome. However, here we are. I went to, by the way, I can't eat. That's it. I can't eat before bed. That's it. I'm old. Yes.

Fuck yeah. It's only pretty much gray on one side of my beard. Yes. Do I not like it because it's asymmetrical? Yes, I don't like it. Would I rather it be very symmetrical? No. Would I rather it be very symmetrical no would i rather be kind of symmetrical yes if it's very symmetrical when people have fucking very symmetrical gray hairs on their fucking cheeks does it look like they dyed it and then do they look like a cuck yes

but do i only want it on one side like i have it? Not really. But do I get to change it? Yes. If I dyed it, would I change it? No, because that means I'm a cock. Come on. Dye your beard? Who are you, Brian Callen? I would dye my beard, though, if I had to do it for a show. I would. But whatever, dude. You know?

We all still squirt. Well, we don't all still squirt. You know what I mean? I got a fucking. Yeah, but so just don't don't ever take what I say seriously on Twitter or really anybody really, you know, unless you're a fucking hate monger, which I'm not. The. I almost went in the hole. Which I'm not.

The, um... I almost went in the hole. I, I, I, uh... I was, uh... That's it. That's for you guys, dude. I did that for you guys. Respect. You know? You just listen to a fart noise, dude. That's part of your day.

You listen to a fucking 39-year-old do a fart noise dude that's part of your day you listen to a fucking 39 year old do a fart noise and he did it four times i love my life and that's it i love it i've orchestrated it to be the way that i want to yay you should too it's hard though you know i mean i know i've been given fucking certain opportunities that you know look there's a whole fucking some people are are luckier than others and it's hard life is harder for you know for some people but you can do it um i think it's so funny when people get mad at what's her name kylie is it kylie jenner for saying she's a self-made billionaire and people are are like, oh, hello, self-made.

Wasn't she born into money? Did you see Travis Scott put all those fucking flowers? Goddamn asshole, you know? Travis Scott filled Kylie Jenner's house with roses for her birthday. And it's just fucking covered. it's a sea of roses in her house or in their house and it and dude hey let me tell you right now dude travis scott had nothing to do with it travis scott goes like this pick up even call he just texted hey can you cover the whole house with roses for carla's birthday and then the assistant goes yes and that's all that travis scott did to act like

he's so romantic this shit ain't romantic you text it i text all day long it must be the most fucker also what a waste also how funny is it that like literally she put a video of it up and then all of her assistants cleaned it up the assistants should just start fucking each other they're doing the middle work just cut out the middle man and start fucking hey kylie jenner's assistant fuck travis scott's assistant stop doing all this bullshit you're trying to get some fucking puss what are you doing dude covering floors with rose petals hey just do the horizontal mambo and we out if you don't call sex the horizontal mambo honestly i want nothing to do with you dude where is that even from the horizontal mambo i heard somebody say that once that's it dude that was it for me that day i went to sleep i think it was fucking 2 30 p.m i went to bed The horizontal mambo. I heard somebody say that once. That's it, dude. That was it for me that day.

I went to sleep. I think it was fucking 2.30 p.m. I went to bed right after that. I go like this. Good night. It's got to be a new day after that. Because that shit was the best thing that was going to happen all day. No. No way.

No. It was like a fucking... It had to be a thing um yeah so chris rock should cover uh taylor swift's um floor with roses to say sorry what i say oh kid rock yeah chris rock i said nah fuck that chris rock should do it i like the heart of roses worst impression of all time I can't do a fucking I can't do a lot of impressions

so it's all good it's all good dude you really need to do impressions you know got a hangnail oh dude lots of stuff's going wrong oh fuck yeah dude got a hangnail fan didn't work

lips are chapped are you still listening right now am I talking to no one Got a hangnail. Fan didn't work. Lips are chapped. Are you still listening right now? Am I talking to no one? It would be amazing if this podcast, like, everyone just stopped listening at this point. I was literally just doing, like, a fucking suicide note. Nobody listened. Oh, and guess what?

The fucking microphone's going down. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! What a sinking ship this fuck ass is you watch this because it's a sinking ship that's why you watch it um but whatever i think we're getting more views than fucking theo so i'm happy uh i don't know what else, dude. You know? We can fucking talk about whatever the fuck you want, but you can't talk back, can you? So it's all good.

You guys have a bucket list? Dude, don't do that. Just do what you want all the time. There's no bucket list. Before I die, what's this whole before I die shit? Just go do it. People make everything way more dramatic than it needs to be. Oh, I got a bungee jump.

That's on my bucket list. Just fucking go. Why are you mentioning death? That's like when fucking chicks on Instagram are like oh take me back just fucking go dude what do you mean uh take me back to this fucking hut go who's stopping you or the the picture where the girl's got the hand and she's... Take... Go... Take it.

Go take me to... Go. Hold my hand. Take it. Go. Just go. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. I guess it's a famous thing that started with one couple. Oh, dude. It's so pretentious when people don't show their face and stuff. When they think they're being all real. When they're like, but it's not about... And they don't show their face like they're fucking Mastakilla from the Wu-Tang.

Mastakilla, you know? That was the guy who didn't show his face on the Wu-Tang. Mastic Killer. You know. That was the guy who didn't show his face on the Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang's names dude. Inspector Deck. You know. No there's his face. I guess I was wrong about that. Mastic Killer.

Who's the Wu-Tang guy that never showed his face? I think it was Mastic Killer. And then. Who's the guy the Wu-Tang guy That never showed his face I think it was Masticiller And then Who's the guy The Wu-Tang clan Oh and You google Wu-Tang I googled the wrong thing Google

This is how fucking One fire is He googled Wu-Tang mask You know what's gonna come up One of those fucking things That people That Asian people Wear in the airports

Why are Asian people So concerned with Like Wearing those things? Why is that an Asian thing? What are they worried about? Bird flu? It's racist.

I mean, Jesus. Whatever, dude. It's not Ghostface. We all know what Ghostface is. He's Googling Ghostface. Anyway, back to the hand thing. He just said straight up gave up and went back to the hand thing. It doesn't matter. We're back on the hand thing he just said straight up gave up and went back to the game it doesn't matter we were back on the hand thing um

yeah but like when just people are when people are just fucking trying to make shit more dramatic that's the shit that i that's the shit that i that's that shit i don't like i think we have that on the soundboard board remember that shit i don't like i could just say that i don't know why that's on shit that I, that's the shit I don't like. I think we have that on the soundboard board. Remember that? I can just say that. I don't know why that's on the soundboard, but we know why the, we know why.

And it was fucking, uh, anyway, dude, I think I'm just trying to really do all this to be a fucking inspirational, uh, Tony Robbins type guy. I want to do,

uh, I want to be a call. I am a cult leader for this. Thank you very much for being in my cult. And also we need to build the log cabin at some point. And when a lot of you guys come up to me at shows and you're like, just wait for that log cabin. I'm here to help.

That shit makes me feel good. You know, because like, that's, that's awesome that I have, like, people that are willing to help put boards up and, like, floors and, like, sit in tall grass with me. But, yeah, what are you doing? What are you guys doing? Are you at work? Are you fucking? I'm with you, dude.

I'm in your ear and I'm with you. I want you to know that. I want you to know that even though you can't talk back, I'm with you right now. And we're talking, you're in your head and I'm, but guess what? I'm in your head too. So this is a conversation when I do my podcast. And when I'm talking, I want you guys to also be going like this when I'm talking. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I want you to be doing that in your head. Like even now, if you don't agree with this, I want you to be like, I don't know.

Yeah, I guess, Chris. And I also, let's try it, honestly. You know what? Fucking let's do this. You say, oh, pretty good. I'm going to say, hey, how you say hey how you doing and you say oh pretty good do it out loud at work hey how you doing and i want to know how that felt dude we're talking i'm losing my fucking mind i don't you know i that's the goal though is to be crazy people act like it's sad when old people lose their minds get the fuck out of here i want my brain i want there to be a day literally from my brain

and it just i hear it i want to hear my brain go and i go like you know i just want my brain to be like and and I just go Toyota or some shit like lose my mind. And some of the guys like, why did he just say fucking Toyota? And then I just start walking backwards forever. You don't, you don't want to be too crazy. You want to be that fucking nice sweet spot crazy. You want to be, you don't want to be too crazy because that shit looks stressful, man.

Like if you're just like, oh, you see guys that are just like, and you're like, that's tense, dude. All your muscles are working. You want to be that kind of crazy

where you're just like, huh, I don't give a fuck about stuff, man, because you know, we're all going to die. The end of the world's coming. This hangnail is fucking brutal, dude dude it's the size of my cock um do you want to do uh should we do anything like questions

okay let's do questions I just like the picture on Instagram. That's how respectful I am. Yeah, so we're gonna take some questions. And we just cut because I just wanted to go find some questions. But I don't care. So this guy, Billabong Chino, change it.

Of course, change Billabong and Chino. Remember Chino XL, the fucking rapper? He made a song called Chianardo DiCaprio. Ah, trying so hard. Chianardo DiCaprio. Wow, it's so funny too I'm going to play a little bit of it

Nardo I mean how do you even DiCaprio Chianardo What was his name? Chino XL Oh because it's Chino XL

DiCaprio Chino XL. Oh, because it's Chino XL DiCaprio. There we go. Chino XL, Chianardo DiCaprio. Oh, of course, dude. It's the lifestyle. What? She and Darnold DiCaprio. What? What? She and Darnold DiCaprio. It's the lifestyle. What?

She and Darnold DiCaprio. It's the lifestyle. What? She and Darnold DiCaprio. Anyway, go back to the guy. Chris Lee inspired me to go hard as fuck in the gym. Down 10 pounds in three weeks babies let's make it a great thursday that's the shit i like dude because he's making himself healthier

uh and and babies let's make it a great thursday It's a community, bro. It's a community, man, and we're bettering ourselves. And some of us get cancer and die, but the others, we're all bettering ourselves, man. That's awesome. That's a sweaty fucking guy at the gym, dude, because he's killing it. Some people just go to the gym to do a social event, bro. Not me. The tips of my hair look, you know, sweaty.

That's great, dude. Congrats, Ray Rom... I mean, fucking Billabong Chino at Ray Romano. Like, just... What's his real thing, man? Who are you, Matt? Matt Siquillo from... All right.

Kyle Potter. There you go. At kpotter15. Good. Congratulations. How... Oh, you know what he brought up? It's not bitch at all. Actually, this guy doesn't know what how bitch is. How bitch is it that star receiver Antonio Brown read traffic can't resolve? That is not bitch at all. You don't understand what bitch is. Now, listen, that makes me want to talk about it, though. That is legitimately my favorite thing that's happened all month. That Antonio Brown said he won't. Bro, it's so funny. See, this is what I was just talking about. About I don't care what you believe, but I care how you believe it.

He said, I guess they changed the rules on the helmets. I don't know why. Probably a money thing, even though they're pretending like it's a safety thing. But he says, no football without... Wide receiver Antonio Brown has told the Oakland Raiders he will not play football again

unless he can wear his old helmet, league sources told ESPN on Friday. Brown had a two-hour conference call with an independent arbitrator on Friday, sources said to argue why he should be allowed to wear his 10-year-old helmet. he is thought to have been using the same helmet his

whole career the arbitrator for the grievance call was joined by league officials player representatives yada yada yada brown wants to wear the helmet he prefers not one of the newer model helmets that league rules mandate. League sources said. Brown believes that the new certified helmet protrudes out and interferes with his vision as he tries to catch a football. Now, that's an actual legit grievance, okay? But this is just great the way he. The Raiders have been sending Brown other approved helmets to wear, but at this time he is not interested in wearing any of them.

That's fucking hysterical. Okay. That he takes the helmets, puts them on and goes, Nope, not that one. And it keeps putting on helmets. Nope,

not that one. Brown appeared to refer to an internal debate about walking away from the football by posting Fridayiday an instagram caption paraphrasing the two painful um i don't know something made me laugh here he just like they keep like okay yeah this is what i read is that he keeps they keep sending him fucking things football uh helmets and he keeps thinking he doesn't like them and then he eventually got fed up and said you know what i'm gonna wear the old one or i quit dude that's so dope. That's hilarious.

Don't wanna. Anytime an adult reaches that don't wanna level, I'm in. I'm in, dude. You're invited to the log cabin, Antonio Brown. Don't wanna. That's so dope to be that much of a child as an adult. That's what I want. That's so dope. To be that much of a child as an adult. That's what I want.

That's what I am. Don't wanna. But $6 million next year. Can I wear the helmet? No. Keep it. Don't wanna. I did poop in my pants that's so funny to me

I love him now I'm a big fan of him don't even know what he looks like don't care I'm gonna fucking I want to go out on a date with him straight up a heterosexual midday date where we go and we see the art of racing in the rain and we just chill we eat popcorn I'll pay for all of the shit or he can pay for it if he knows more comfortable I'll be the girl kind of

or the like whatever doesn't have to be about gender but I can be the you kind of, or the, like, whatever. It doesn't have to be about gender, but I can be the, you know, the lesser one. Not that girls are lesser, but you know what I mean. Not that girls are lesser, but you know what I mean. It's like Ricky Gervais. The one who takes it is what I mean. In that whole exchange, the one who gets fucked is obviously the less powerful one, is all I'm saying. I guess I'm never running for fucking president.

But you know what, though? I am the president, so kiss my ass. What's the next one? Alexis, at Ark Writing, someone showed me one clip of Chris D'Elia on Facebook, and now I've seen both Netflix specials, his first We Feast Hot Ones interview, and his H3 Podcast interviews, and I'm 15 episodes deep in a congratulations pod i can't stop

listening listening as they tweet actually well let me tell you alexis you got a long way to go and to listening to these episodes and uh you're great you're welcome you're welcome you are welcome dude you are welcome to welcome to this fucking thing here. Thank you very much for listening. And I think that that's great. And that's what we do here. We share the fucking podcast. We share the ideas.

We are a cult. We are a fucking cult. We wear all blue. Ames, at Ryan Ames, one, two, three. How cock is it for a person who works outside to call their outdoor workplace the office? Well, yeah. Of course it is. An office has walls, period.

That's it. If you don't have walls, you're outside. Is there a printer out there? No. Not an office. You know? Does a crew come in and clean that area? Maybe.

If it's outside, maybe not, though. Office is indoors. I guess we're done here. You know? That's it. I wanted to answer some questions. There we go. That's very cool.

Download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. You can download my app too, Crystalia. Type that in. I'll be in other areas and stuff. Houston, I'm coming for you. Go to crystalia.com. San Diego. Or as my mom says for no reason.

SanDiego. Just because she wants to say it. Not because she thinks it's that. Just because she wants to be silly. She's cute. What do you want? Does she dress like a fucking Kung Fu Master? Sometimes, yeah.

When white moms turn like 65, they start dressing like Kung Fu Masters. And you know that. And that's all I have to say about that. They wear fucking pants and shirt that are the same and they're a little bit shiny. And then they have those fucking weird buttons that are long that go in the other fucking out, the hole that comes out, like the string, and they tuck it in and they do that. And they look like they could fucking absolutely kill other Kung Fu people. God, what if my mom was in a fucking Kung fu movie dude i gotta make that movie what if there was a movie where a mom was a kung fu master but like an old mom that wasn't good at kung fu and they taught her kung fu and then they did a movie

and it would be so funny but my mom can barely walk up a hill without hurting her plantar fasciitis so i don't think that'll be in the cards. Anyway, take pictures of your mom and tweet them to me. I want to prove to you that they look like they fucking do kung fu. All right, I'm done. You guys are great. Remember, support the show. You can buy the merch. I got this shirt.

This is the new one. Your future's too bright. Show people how your future's you got what you gotta fucking put your sunglasses on all week dude put your sunglasses on all goddamn week and go kill it man because remember life rips uh life rips and uh you know that's it i guess that's it. Thanks so much. Thank you.