Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 138. Dances With Johnny Depp

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

On today's show, Chris talks about Johnny Depp, Dior Sauvage, having a relationship with cancel culture, VMAs, Sebastian, mini horses on planes, Nirvana, anime, and we answer a bunch of Twitter questions. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply okay go Okay, go. Hey, what's up, babies? How you doing? How you doing? You know?

How you doing? It's episode whatever of Congratulations Podcast. uh this is how we're doing it um i'm chris delia your host and i'm chris lear co-host we got no we got one host dude oh drinking water dude i was thinking about this uh well, first of all, let's do this. I got San Diego selling out. Now, we don't like going to San Diego, but we go because the demand is there. And so we're going to San Diego. There's very few tickets left on my second show on Saturday. So get those tickets now, October 19th, San Diego at Spreckles Theater. We got Chris D'Elia live in the house then.

And then we've got him, Chris D'Elia live in the house then. And then we've got him Chris D'Elia in Riverside, Santa Barbara. We've got him in Santa Barbara October 12th. Go to chrisdelia.com to get tickets here. And Bethlehem, Pennsylvania called Bethlehem because that was apparently Jesus

Christ was born in Pennsylvania. We got two shows, Bethlehem November 2nd. November 2nd tickets flying off the shelves. You got to go get tickets right now. Rochester, New York. Going to Royal Oak, Michigan. Detroit, Michigan. We got a few shows in Detroit, Michigan.

Some were sold out. New Buffalo, Michigan. Even though it should just be a different name other than New Buffalo, it shouldn't be New Buffalo because there's already a Buffalo in New York. Just have your own city and don't call it New Buffalo. Call it something like Pocktown. Doesn't matter what the fuck you call it, but don't call it New something. They did it in Mexico. And that's one

of the shittiest places. Shittiest places. New Mexico has some nice pockets, but overall it's shitty. Fucking what's it called? It's good. Santa it's shitty. Fucking, what's it called? It's good. Santa Fe's nice.

Santa Fe's nice for moms. Santa Fe's nice for moms. And you know it's nice for moms because of all the turquoise jewelry. Bro, if you go to fucking Santa Fe, you've never seen more turquoise jewelry in your life you could go to albuquerque you see some turquoise jewelry and then you go to fucking uh santa fe and you see more turquoise jewelry oh my god bro it's so so much turquoise jewelry we're going to tampa florida and melbourne florida uh we're going to hollywood florida el paso texas we're going to houston texas we had two shows in houston texas we're going to have our 30th you go to peoria illinois for some reason go to peoria in illinois

for some some reason the one reason we're going to peoria illinois bags that's why we're going to peoria illinois because bags uh somebody on my we're live on my app somebody said that they saw me in spokane cool good comment thanks a lot thanks for coming out man saw me in spokane very cool uh yeah so that's what's up man dude and it's another day another dollar and when people say that do i get riled up yes because it's more than one dollar a day but it's always one day it's always one day but it's always more than one dollar nobody's making one dollar a day unless you live in uganda and they're not saying a dollar a day there they're saying something else in a different language different language

uh thank god i'm a fucking comedian because i say things that if i was a politician my race would end immediately all the time no matter what um but it's all good you can't even be fucking johnny depp nowadays johnny depp can't even fucking do it guys trying to what happened to johnny depp everyone fucking hates him all of a sudden all of a sudden everyone's like you know what actually fuck johnny depp everyone loved johnny depp he was like the guy and then all of a sudden everyone was like you know what nah why because he dressed like an indian a few times what happened white guy can't dress like an indian anymore nope can't you see that dior ad um the is it christian dior is that what it was uh whatever it was fucking johnny depp is fucking canceled right it's all good cancel culture is crazy man

right it's all good cancel culture is crazy man i'm you motherfuckers are cancelers that's what i'm going to start calling you i don't know that's probably a thing already but you're cancelers johnny depp do your ad pulled amid cultural appropriation outcry it's crazy these motherfuckers buckle to these these peeps you know what it should just you know what it should just be that ad should just be pulled because it's fucking stupid how about that have you seen it he's dressed like a fucking asshole uh you're not indian uh you know what i mean fucking johnny depp railing on the what is he doing even Dior Sauvage it's a cock to call it Sauvage like don't have two earrings in one ear hey is your ear one ear or is it two ears Johnny Depp fucking digging a hole and burying a necklace and putting all his jewelry in there under a rock.

Hey, that's nothing, D.R. Johnny Depp's insane, period. That's it. But why do we hate him? He doesn't know. He's been famous since he was fucking three. See, here's the thing about cultural appropriation and cancel culture. see here's the thing about cultural appropriation and cancel culture cancel culture was people you had it man you had it right there you had it right there it was fucking on and popping

dude we did too much uh white guys and and shit they did too much and White guys and shit, they did too much. And they were on top for too long. And they were boring as fuck. And they were abusing their power. And then the people were like, you know what? That ain't cool.

And everyone started to listen because they were right. Because they were right. All this Me Too shit, all this cancel culture, all this fucking cultural appropriation, everyone was like, you know what? Maybe these people have a point.

Maybe everyone else has a point. Maybe white guys were on top for too long and they just got too fucking big for their britches. And then what happened was you were like the hot chick that we just started dating, that the world just started dating. You were the hot chick and you were like the hot chick that we just started dating that the world just started dating you were the hot chick and you were like god damn look at this girl walk into this fucking cafe look at them look at them fucking you know all the the the dudes or look

at them look at them titties look at that thin waist look at the backside he goes on for days and we were listening to you dude because you walked in and you were the most bangingest chick ever you were like the chick that all of a sudden turned like 21 22 that everyone was starting to pay attention to figured out how to do her makeup and we're like wow and we started dating you cancel culture we started dating the shit out of you dude and about And about three, four or five months in, which is, you know, a year in whatever the fuck you want to say it. We realized, holy shit, man, you're a lot, you're a lot to deal with. And you're fucking complaining way too much.

And that's what happened. And then we started to get, okay, you know what? We were, we were having sex. We were laying you out. And it was funny shit. Having romantic dinners. Learning about you, dude. We were learning about you. Cancel culture. And we were on your side.

And you just did, take it back. I don't want this. It's not good enough. You did that one too many times. You went, I don't like the temperature one too many times and then all of a sudden we were like you know what we can't win fuck it johnny depp can't wear turquoise now fuck it you can't we can't win if we can't win we're out if we can't win we wash our hands

i've said this before we don't care what you i don't care what you believe in believe in what you want to believe in but you can't i care about the way you believe in it that's the thing you were the hot chick that was banging. You had it all. All you had to do was pick the right shit to complain about. You know, it's fine to walk into a guy's place for the first time and be like, oh, you keep the couch over here. we go, we're blinded by teddies. Yeah.

Oh, maybe the couch would, maybe the couch will look better. Yeah. I, uh, okay. Maybe the couch,

you have the wrong end. The end, the table should be not in the middle of the two couches. It should be on the end of the couches and you should L the couch so you can watch the bachelor with me better. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I Bachelor with me better. Oh, yeah. I guess I didn't. Well, the reason why we had it like that is when guys come over for game night, we use the table to.

But I guess you're right, though. What he's saying instead of I guess you're right, though, in real life is blinded by teddies. Yeah, the couch should be an l-shape because of your waistline see that's the thing dude and then what happened was you just moved the couch too fucking much dude and now when you say something's cultural appropriation or if you say, you know, I sucked on Aziz Ansari's dick

and it was bullshit, we go like this. Hey, dude, I liked the couch the other way. I liked the goddamn end table on the end of the couch. I don't like it. I like it. I like it.

Separating the two couches. So now we're going back to playing game night, you motherfuckers. Go ahead. If Johnny Depp can't wear turquoise, then we're going back to game night, man. You could be banging as fuck but everyone gets tired of the relationship man so be careful what you complain about that's it that's it when you start saying you know guy chris hardwick did this though and then and then chris hargiswell i got the text messages right here this is the proof oh we're back to playing fucking game night man now do i know enough about those situations no i don't is it okay to talk about what i'm talking about maybe am i a comedian yes

so does it really matter no don't cancel me motherfuckers i don't know whatever it's like believe what you want but once you fucking hit that you know the pendulum you're fucking up shit for everyone who actually really does have a problem and that's it and that's all i have to say about that sigh of the fuck nara i was flying back on uh uh some airline i was flying back on american airlines which sucks in lax is when you fly from Albuquerque to LAX and you fucking go to the American, they land at another place and then you got to take a goddamn train or a bus to another place

where you got to stand and do the thing where you're grabbing on the fucking, you're grabbing on to the flu handles and you're just bouncing all back and forth and you don't even mean to, But you have to touch somebody inappropriately. Because you hit a bump. And you're waiting for like a goddamn 747 to cross your path. And you're in this thing. And you bump your dick into some fucking skateboard lesbian girl. And you're like, oh shit, I'm sorry.

And she's dressed like a fucking, you know, like somebody on set dressed her. Like a costume lady. Was like, this is what they wear and you're like that's kind of offensive but oops my dick hit your face because you're sitting down because you're a lady i guess i sit down i'll be a gentleman are you gonna get offended at that let me just bump my dick all around in this trolley. You know.

Once I was the last guy and they were like, stop, it's full. And I was like, I could fit. And they were like, nah. And I was like, yeah, I'll fit. And they were like, okay, I guess since you don't have a bag. And I walked in and I fit. And that's the end of that goddamn story. But it's like LAX, just be the whole place don't be

a fucking airport and then another side airport connect it i don't want to have to do seven modes of transportation to do one modes of transportation so i got on the plane in new mexico the most turquoise place of all time and i got on and i sat in comfort plus by the way which which is better than first class i swear to god it's weird as fuck first class is such a racket i do business in first class sometimes well all the time and then i didn't have i clicked on the wrong one and it was comfort plus i was like i fuck it it's an hour and a half flight i got in comfort plus bro there's more leg room in Comfort Plus than there is in first class. And that's it.

And that's the, you know, it's like, what are they doing? Bro, I stretched the fuck out. I thought I was like on Air Singapore. on Air Singapore. So I got on that thing, and I got on that thing. I got on the flight. I sat down, and there was like a 45-year-old woman,

and she was like, I don't mean to scare you, and I was like, here we go. What do you mean? We're going to be 30,000 feet in the air. I don't mean to scare you, but, and I go, yeah. And she says, God, all those dogs barking, man. Hate them.

Butters is an incel. So she was like, I don't mean to scare you, but almost, almost, uh, hey, you know what? Open that door. I'm just gonna fucking yell at these goddamn dogs first. Get a little piece of me, dude. It's a little piece of my life. Hey, Butters, come here! Butters, Sam, come here!

Cooper! The fuck over here? You're an incel. Come here. Butters, come here. Get in here get in get in all of you you're an incel you're an incel there's five dogs here watching our friends dogs you're an incel you're an incel three you're an incel and five you're an incel dogs are incels so um what was I saying?

What was I talking about this other flight? So I get on the flight. She said, I don't mean to scare you. And I go like this. I'm all ears. Here we go. And she says, well, almost died. I took this flight last time.

Almost died. And it was like last week. And I was so scared. It was fine. And I was like, oh, I know it's fine. Do you know why? You're talking to me. She was like, but it was so scared. It was fine. But I was like, oh, I know it's fine. Do you know why? You're talking to me. She was like, but it was really scary.

And I was like, all right. And she fucking. We took off. And when we took off, bro, she was so scared at regular flying that it was insane. She was moving all around. She hit, grabbed me. I'm like, dude, we're just taking off. And she was in her, in her, in her hands.

Hey, don't fly. That's it. Get a different. She was like, I korea all the time oh yeah that's a long one don't fly and then she fucking and then landing was even worse she was indian style she was not indian style she kept flipping around touching me hitting me and all this shit dude it was so annoying she hit me and goes and i go oh what the fuck and she says sorry and i'm like we're gonna be fine so anything cool over there all right we're all gonna be fine dude relax but i

get it i used to be so scared of flying but i was scared in my own body, dude. I wasn't jumping all around like I was fucking Peter Parker. Man, she had some real problems. I guess I kind of feel bad a little bit, you know? But, you know, God bless because she keeps fucking flying she's going to north korea she goes to north korea all the time she goes to north korea all the time and flies to not north korea north korea she goes to north korea all the time that's why she's scared dude nobody goes to north korea uh uh yeah she's going to south korea obviously she said korea so i assume she's's going to South Korea.

Obviously. She said Korea, so I assume she's not going to North Korea. I have... Wait, when is this straight pride parade? Now? Wow. Straight pride parade is trending. How many fucking... I love when people are like

like dude this is hacky but like if you're in a parade you're gay there's no straight pride parade there There's only gay parades. All of the parades that happen are gay. The gay pride parade is the gayest one. And the ones even gayer than that are all of the other ones. You've got the Rose Queen parade. You've got the Thanksgiving parade where everybody's dressed up in a costume. And then you've got the Straight Pride Parade, which means you're gay marching

gay whether you have a tuba or not gay all good but gay fuck who you want but if you're marching together with some other people you're fucking them

when North Korea does that thing when the German Nazis did that thing gay if you're in uniform and you're marching with other guys in the same uniform you're gay Korea does that thing? When the German Nazis did that thing? Gay. If you're in uniform and you're marching with other guys in the same uniform, you're gay. Or the Blue Man Group. Dude, like, don't, you know, it's all good. But like straight pride parade.

How many guys are in it? 12? Just chill. Just chill straight guys i love it when when when people are like yeah okay well if what all right fine well there's black history month why is there not white history month cuz that's the reason imagine the guys in the straight in the straight pride parade imagine them you know

how many fucking straight up scraggly beards they have with bald heads yeah so I don't know you want to do do the, can we do, should we do, yeah? Did we talk about the VMAs yet? No?

I was, I was, shout out to my buddy Sebastian who kept it real and did those, just what I was talking about, the fucking, the cancer culture. People were mad. By the way, Sebastian is the most family-friendly comic there is, you know? The fact that people had a problem with him talking about safe spaces is fucking ridiculous. Butters, you're an incel. Is absolutely ridiculous. Those VMA gigs are the worst gigs for any host.

They're actually worse for comedians because people expect comedians to be good and funny, and they're just horrible. Everyone's standing. There's a sea of 12-year-olds. And he goes out there and talks about safe spaces, and people were like, some people were so upset about it because he was making fun of safe spaces. See ya. How about this? Comedian safe spaces are joking. That's where it comes from.

On stage, making fun of stuff. So now what are you going to say? What are you going to say now? My safe space is what your safe space isn't. Now I don't mean to fuck your whole day up, but... I ain't got no motherfucking friends.

That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. My space, my safe space, is what your safe space isn't. So we're at a fucking crossroads here. So chill. So I wrote a tweet about it, and I didn't mention the VMAs, and everyone thought i was talking about dave chappelle because i guess people are upset dave chappelle's talking about trans people or whatever i don't know i didn't see the special yet uh but i am usually just a proponent proponent of a comedian can say whatever they want because obviously you have to be allowed

to to find out what's funny um i'll crush a goddamn water bottle in the middle of a fucking thing i don't give a shit look i throw it down um but yeah so sebastian was funny and he and he uh and he made the best of that gig which is a horrible gig and he was still himself and uh i don't know how i would have done that i don't know how i would have done that i really don't the vmas is just i mean i guess people still watch it you know because only because the the people are going to be there like taylor swift was sitting next to cardi b or whatever they make a big deal out of it uh-oh they're sitting next to each who fucking gives a shit you know know? What's going to happen?

Are they going to look at each other weird? No, really? Whoa, dude. What's going to happen? Oh, what? Oh, Kid Cudi's there? Oh, shit, dude. Cut to Kid Cudi when he makes a joke about Kid Cudi. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, we saw that. So, Sebastian goes like, safe spaces. You know, and then everyone goes,

oh. He said there's an emotional support. Lil Nas's horse is here for emotional support. People got mad because it's emotional support. Fucking animals. I saw a fucking person on video on Instagram with an emotional support mini horse. Hey, fuck you. I need the plane to be horse free.

Do you know why? Because that's a horse. The only way horses should get from one place to a next is galloping. Okay? You want to put them in one of those fucking tin little things that you got to transport them on a highway? Fine. Okay? Fine. But horses belong in the air as much as smoothies belong in the air.

They're for the ground. If horses should be on a plane, if horses should be in the air, there would be Pegasuses. Airline News. U.S. Department of Transportation rules airlines must allow miniature horses to fly as service animals. Are you fucking

absolutely shit-ass kidding me? Dude. Mini miniature horses? First of all, shouldn't there not be miniature horses? Isn't that a fucking thing that humans made? Didn't they develop them? The whole thing's wrong. Fuck your emotional animals, man. Okay. Are the result of centuries of selective

breeding. Okay, cool. Leave them on the ground. You're going to be stressed out without your mini horse in comfort. Plus stay on the fucking ground. Be chilling. If you're anxious, if you're that anxious, imagine being that fucking egocentric. That you're like, well, I don't give a fuck. I want to go to Hawaii and I can't get there without the whole goddamn cabin smelling like a fucking manure hut i swear if i saw a mini horse on a plane get on a plane and i was i'll even if i was in the back of the plane and they were in the this is me in the back oh for fuck's sake in the back are you Are you shitting me? Hey, get that horse off, though. Oh, shit, dude.

I walk up. Oh, my God, dude. Whoa, what happened? They say, what? I say, oh, by mistake, dude. By mistake, this happened. And they say, what do you mean? By mistake, this whole thing happened, dude.

By mistake, this whole thing happened, dude. You got a horse on this thing, on this fucking thing with wings in the air. And they say, well, it's a mini horse technically. And I go, technically, this shouldn't be a thing though, right? Isn't that true? And I rub their face a little bit like this. Isn't that true, huh? And they say, well, I need it for emotional support.

Well, it's a lot more stressful now that I'm yelling at you, right? Make this fucking thing gallop. You think that mini-ass horse wants to be in the air? You think that mini-ass horse wants to watch fucking Mickey Blue Eyes with you on that small TV? You think that mini horse is looking at the fucking TV Select? Oh, I don't want to watch any of these goddamn Chinese movies. Why are there so many goddamn Chinese movies on this airline? Oh, I must go to China a lot.

Even having a name for a fucking horse is idiotic. Straight up. big horse ah that's fucking charlie the horse nah nah that's horse yeah but you can ride it and feed it all right cool it's big horse that's what we call him bro that's so there is literally nothing more annoying than a mini horse on a goddamn plane There is literally nothing more annoying than a mini horse on a goddamn plane. Literally not. Somebody could fucking, I could have a passenger next to me that every 15 minutes rubbed peanut butter in my eyes. And that would be less annoying than somebody bringing a goddamn mini horse on a plane. Dude, and they're just going to sit there and text, you know?

They're going to get Wi-Fi and text while their mini horse is right next to them? Dude, that's unbelievable. what is this world coming to said the old guy imagine dude no way bring a big horse have a big horse on the plane then that's the only time it's okay. A zebra. A fucking giraffe all crunched over. Neck all laying down the fucking side. Butters, come here. Hi. Butters, you're an incel. Come here.

He's so scared. He's alright. Butters, you're an incel. Hi. What are you doing, dudeters you're an incel hi what are you doing dude are you an incel come here come here you know a podcast is going on that's why you're so scared huh i'm an evil villain um so yeah uh yeah that's crazy dude That's a real thing. Let me do these second ads and then let me just talk a little bit more about the thing. Yeah, so I don't know. That's what's up. Dude, I was looking at cars.

Sometimes I just go look at cars because I think sometimes my lease is going to be up. And I was thinking about getting a Porsche and the fucking – I went to the Porsche place and this is hilarious. I thought – I forgot about this. But I went to the Porsche place. And there were so many turquoise Porsches. And I was like, what's going on? Are you shipping all of these to Santa Fe? And they were like, no.

And they were like, no. And I was like, then why do you have so many of these Porsches that are such fucking ugly colors? And they said, funny story, actually. And I thought, probably not. Because you're a car salesman. And he said, lo and behold, it was a funny story. He said, well, this guy quit right after we ordered new cars and to fuck us he ordered a bunch of turquoise 911s bro

that's sad dick if i was mr porsche I'd learn karate on that motherfucker I wouldn't even learn jujitsu I'd learn the new shit I'd learn old campo karate for years and years then find him and then give him some fucking you know hard punches and whenever he

tried to punch I'd do stiff blocking sadik and now this was a little while ago, and now I see so many turquoise Porsches out because there's so many of them. They're probably giving them such good deals.

I see fucking guys with just such fucking dope turquoise Porsche. It's so bad. So bad. To have a turquoise Porsche? Like, just, it's so bad. What, just... What you doing?

What you doing? I told that to my opener, and he laughed, bro. And I was like, alright. He likes pranks and shit like that. He thinks it's so funny when, like... He's a dick, dude. He thinks when people in wheelchairs fall down, it's funny. I'm like, bro, that's sad. And he's like, oh, it's just so funny. I'm like, oh, you're a dick dude he thinks when people like in wheelchairs fall down it's funny i'm like bro that's sad and he's like oh it's just so funny i'm like oh you're a dick huh you're a

fucking dick one fire just sent me this works worst bma acceptance speech of all time he says nirvana the nominees for best new artist let's watch this look at boys to men just chilling i mean i don't know who that girl is but she couldn't look like somebody more in 1992 she's got fucking leopard print like mini skirt on or mini dress on and she's got the red hair with the puff out shit and then boys to men is next to her in a varsity jacket talk about um dum dum da da talk about bye yeah yeah da da da da wow oh wow wow anyway our pretty eclectic buzz robot they range from seattle rock and roll 14 didn't realize wow i didn't realize boyz II men was 14 when they fucking did this shit when they blasted on the

scene this kid looks fucking 12. blasted on the scene. This kid looks fucking 12. Where's my mommy? To the fusion of rap, soul, and R&B. So Midwestern didn't give a fuck. To the fusion of rap, soul, and R&B. Hates rap, you can tell. To the fusion of rap, soul,

and R&B. To an alternative rock band. Oh band oh dude it was so 1992 to be the guy in the r&b group with the circular glasses low on your nose like you were an old butler uh yes like you were going to be like, would you like the, would you like your chicken cold or warmed up today? To the evocative music of a new folk singer. Oh, here comes the guy with the low voice. This guy,

he's got, by the way, he's got the lowest voice in voice to men. And let's see what it sounds like in real life. He's probably just like, yeah. So anyway, y'all here's Nirvana.

Here are the nominees for best new artist ate the microphone ate the microphone here's the nominees for next new artist guys in the fucking break room just went like

oh and took their microphones off hurt so bad he's like look look I mean dude come on dude learn how to use a microphone

you're an R&B singer for fucking fuck's sake look at these girls. Look at. Robot. They range from Seattle rock and roll sound. To the fusion of rap, soul, and R&B. Obviously hates rap.

To an alternative rock band. Old White Butler. To the evocative music of a new folk singer. Fuck so many guys, you could tell this girl. Here are the nominees. And there's this dude, dude. The nominees are a little cheating. All have varsity jackets on. And there's this dude, dude. All have varsity jackets on.

At an awards show. It's disrespectful. Love it. It's race day. Go. Go. How funny is that? Tori Amos for Silent All These Years. Okay.

Okay. The loneliest song of all time. The loneliest song of all time, that was. Hey, shut up, Butters. You're an incel. Listen. For Tennessee. This song is great.

Cracker. For teen angst. For Tennessee. This song is great. Cracker for teen angst. Cracker. What the world needs now. Hey, guess if these guys are singing in a field or not, if you're listening to the podcast. So fucking. No, no, no. What the world needs now is not another folk singer,

and it never needs that. Vada for smells like teen spirit. Hey, well, no. What the world needs now is not another folk singer and it never needs that. For smells like teen spirit. I guess we won, obviously. Winner takes all. It's great to come in first. Here we go. And before we announce the winner, I'd like to plug the Christmas album that was previously

recorded by Boyz II Men and Wilson Phillips. Now I'll say the winner. Oh, man, so uncomfortable. They're all laughing, and they're so mad he did that. They're like, whatever you do, don't plug the Christmas album, please. Nirvana! Okay. That song rips. It really does.

I don't even like music like that. Here we go. I've never seen this, by the way. Lumpire just sent it to me. I'd like to thank my family and our record label and our true fans and...

Woo! You can't believe everything you've seen here now can you oh my god that guy that guy who came in was that dave girl no right when that oh that that's even great that it's not okay when that guy came in he was like oh i'm gonna shut this shit in, he was like, oh, I'm going to shut this shit down, dude. He was like, here we go. I'm going to shut this shit down. He was thinking of it on the way to the fucking show. He was like, if we win, which we probably will because there's a lot of heat around us, I'm going to dip in and I'm going to fucking say that thing when Kurt Cobain is doing the thing.

And he thought it was going to shut this shit down. He thought everyone was going to lose their minds. He thought fucking Wilson Phillips was going to start crying and that Boyz II Men was just going to start. That's it. Dum-dum-dum-da-da. Dum-dum-dum-da-da. Da-ya-ya-ya-da. Da-da-bra-bra-wow-wow. Back in school, we used to dream about this every day.

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba. That guy? It's really hard to... Oh, this is where... That's where it went off the rails. You can tell. I've never seen this. But right there when that guy dips in is when it went off the rail. Here we go.

You can't believe everything you've seen here now, can you? Oh, such a basic blanket fucking fuck the system thing, you know? He's wearing purple pants. Now, how mad is Kurt Cobain that he did it? But he was like, I'm just going to roll with it. This year doesn't matter anyway. You know, it's really hard to believe everything you read. Oh.

Oh. Remember Joseph Goebbels. All right. Oh. Are you kidding me? Wow. Blameable. Wow. oh are you kidding me wow wow bro it's so funny their music like means so much to so many people and like they've been there like they're just like with that fucking rape me people are like i feel that you know just getting raped by the system like just so good and then fucking oh no no no no, no.

And just fucking 15-year-old kids were just like, god damn, it speaks to me. I love this music. And then fucking. And our true fans. And then, dude, this dude just, when it comes to talking. This is why this guy's the drummer or whatever. You can't believe everything you've seen here now, can you? Oh, bro, pick up an instrument.

And then this. And then so mad because fucking, what's his name? Kurt Cobain was like, I'm going to fucking kill it. I'm going to do the thing. And the other guy couldn't wait. He thought Kurt Cobain wasn't going to do it. He was like, he's bitching out. He's not going to do it. So he dipped in, and then Kurt Cobain's like, I've got to go in early,

and I've got to do this shit now. And then just completely. You know, it's really hard to believe everything you read. Remember Joseph Goebbels. Oh. He said bye. So wait. So it's really hard to believe everything you read.

I think he meant to say don't believe everything you read I think he meant to say don't believe everything you read it's really hard to believe everything you read okay he's like the fucking guy from South Park who was that guy Chris

Christ Danish Who was that guy? Chris? Christ? Christ? Eh? Se? Danish. Christ Novoselic. Novoselic. Eh?

Eh? Eh? Christ Anthony Novoselic. Croatian. Oh, that's one thing. Croatians are the strongest people in the world. One time I fucking wrestled a Croatian guy I was like wrestling a tree

after Nirvana disbanded following front Kurt Kurt Cobain eyes adrift apart from the musical endeavors Nova Select has been active politically

oh really that's odd he's been active politically ever since that moment including a creation of PSA wow that's hilarious wow that is wait let's see the comments this is the most 90s thing i've ever seen yeah really

oh wow remember when mt look kids that's what happens when punk rock gets big. Wait. Who's Joseph Goebbels? I've heard of that. Oh, my God. I mean, sir. Hitler's propaganda guy.

Eh, sir. Not the time. Well, you won. Hey, dude, you're the best man on earth. Hey, man, remember Hitler? Eh, sir, not the time. Don't care how punk rock you are. Twelve-year-olds are watching.

Mom, who's Joseph Goldberg? Oh, he hated Jews. What's that? There's racism in the world. What? Yeah, like some people don't like Jews. Some people don't like black people. Some people don't like... Oh, really?

Shouldn't know it already. Wow, dude. Look at this guy just making shit up. Comment, they didn't like what was being said on the teleprompter. That's why you can see Kurt reading and just saying thanks. Chris was just saying they are propagandists. All right, man. You know, you're 50.

Oh, man. Wow, man. know you're 50 oh man wow man how much has MTV changed I mean look at the VMAs now bro oh little Nas X dressed like Tron. Who's this guy, Bad Bunny? Is that a guy? He's like the biggest recording artist in the shit. I've never seen Bad Bunny. I keep seeing him and shit on...

Was that him? Oh. Oh, yeah, his performance was bizarre looking, Ivan Getridov says. Well, no shit, because his name's Bad Bunny, and he always wears the circular tinted sunglasses. Circular tinted... So, here's the deal. Pretty much, if you're wearing sunglasses that are not just any sort of already shaped that we all know, you know? If you're wearing any sort of sunglasses that aren't the

shape that we all have all accepted already you're trying too hard okay i mean dude it's like it's so funny that a lot of these artists and i don't know anything about this fucking bad bunny guy or whatever but like so many artists maybe he's a handsome guy he actually looks like he's maybe not bad looking but there's so many artists that are so this is my theory man you know how like artists will do real bad shit with their hair or bad sunglasses or or look bad on purpose or look ugly on purpose it's so you can't tell how actually ugly they really are because they're not brad pitt there's so many non-brad pitts and idris elba's you don't see fucking brad pitt and idris elba doing the shit like that you don't see fucking timothy chalamet doing the shit like that the kid rocks

his fucking um uh aesthetic rocks. These people are all disguising their ugliness is what they're doing with the fucking crazy ass shit. And it's seeping over into it's going to seep over into the good looking people too.

That's the thing. Because sometimes the ugliest people are the most creative and people want to be like them. I mean, Bad Bunny. His fucking glasses. Also, he's always sticking his tongue out.

And rolling his eyes up. Dude. What's with this fucking thing he wore? A third eye? On the nose. Look at this. New Fall Crush's Bad Bunny. It's so funny, these blogs, bro.

These blogs are hilarious. New Crush. I love this shit. I love how like... Also like, you know how like... Like it's a thing now. You know how like people are like... Express your body.

Who gives you shit? You don't have to be the fucking prettiest, hottest chick or dude ever. And they're like just fucking letting their rolls hang out and shit. With the fucking unbuttoned shirts that your grandpa would wear. Nah, I got a fucking hot take. Button it up or work out. Try. Look, I don't give a fuck.

People would argue I don't give a fuck. I still fucking keep fit because I don't want to die early. I don't know. Maybe that's wrong. Who gives a shit? This podcast sucks. Let's do questions. Let's do some questions baby babies and babies

we're looking at questions from you guys I'm texting and shit because I'm respecting you guys uh gene parmesan parmesan gene parmesan uh accuracy how about the cucks that combine two words that mean the same thing to make one bigger word that means the same exact fuck then oh yeah i've always didn't i never liked ginormous and guesstimate dude ginormous is the worst fantabulous ah no i know obviously i say it's a bitch and stuff but that's funny to me ginormous oh this is a good question dude i never thought about this

but it's so obvious the answer donald champagne at dr cat burger md hey you're not a medical doctor you know why because your fucking thing is donald champagne hi i'm mr champagne take two of these call me in the morning. He asks, which is better, sexier, underbites or overbites? Hey, man, obviously overbites. Underbites are like this, bro. At least if you're an overbite, you can be a chick with an overbite and have fucking buck teeth and still be fucking cute as shit, you know? But no girl wants to fuck Sling Blade. I mean, if I look like this and I was doing it like this,

I would have gotten probably, if I talk like this and had an underbite, I probably honestly would have got 70% less pussy in my lifetime. And if I had an underbite, how do you do a... Oh, man. They both suck for guys. I'll tell you that. But if you're a girl and you have an overbite, it's okay. You can get away with it if you wear like a frilly fucking shoulder pad stuff.

Disguise your ugliness. Just how I'm saying it, my babies. What else? Got another one baby samuel lynch at samuel lynch 1994 so any chance you talk about watching anime a baby from iran wow cool um yeah anime i do like anime i like uh um what was that one titan i loved that one and then i tried to watch one punch man i watched an episode or two and then i but i didn't i didn't stop watching because i didn't like i did like it but it's just like you know i don't know if i what was another good one there was another good one that my buddy who is was trying to get me to watch i watched a little bit of it where a kid goes into the fucking anime is always about it's always about some guy fucking putting his body in another thing

and then like fighting fucking another thing that's what anime is it's like weird as shit dude there's always people inside it's got this weird sexual it's always sexual anime has never not been sexual it's like a literally a guy i'll be fighting another guy and then he'll just turn into a pussy and then this a snake will come out of the pussy and i'll be like oh no oh no and it's like what do you mean oh no run we must Run! We must defeat... No, give up, dude. Give up. We must defeat... I don't know. He turned into a vaginal canal, and now a snake's coming out of it.

Uh... Uh... Oh, what? Oh! He turned into a vaginal canal, and a snake's coming out of it. Uh... Uh... Ignite fire!

No, no, no. No, no, no, no no no no give up dude if i am in a fucking situation where a guy turns into a pussy and then a bulla comes out of them guess what i'm doing sitting the fuck down and going like this. All right. You got me, pussy canal guy. Oh, but watch out for the snake. No, dude. Life's over. Dude, life's over. Joint forces. There's so many anime. What's up with the anime guys?

There's like. Lieutenant. There's so many anime... What's up with the anime guys that's like... Lieutenant! You know? Lieutenant! Gather the troops! So, some of you think that you can go behind our backs and create a different force from the force that we actually already have that's been tried and true for hundreds and thousands of years well when i find out who you are cut to the guy who's actually doing it there'll be hell to pay but sir no now now and now is not the time and then cut to later on in a fucking hut somewhere.

Well, I understand what he's saying. The general is right. It has been tried and true for hundreds of thousands of years. But times are changing. They didn't have vaginal canal guy who turned himself into a pussy and then a snake hundreds of years ago. Huh? What's that? Nothing.

I have some... So sexist, too. Always. Fucking chick's got the tiniest neck and waist and the biggest fucking melons. And her eyes are always tearing up and fucking japanese dudes watch it and they're shit like shut up wench but uh literally say stuff like but uh my pussy

dude japanimation you know there's a word that fucking just you know animation in Japan Japanese animation they fucking put it together Japanimation guestimate ginormous oh no

here they come why do they get the guys that talk like that, dude, attack on titan was weird as fuck, where the guys would come and they'd just be like, dude, they always have the scariest shit, just, and they're walking down the street, so big, we found out the way to kill him we need to get the nape of their neck that's the only vulnerable spot we've tried everything that's it about anime

what else any other ones i didn't even know there was this parker wilkie wilk at wilkie parker do you what do you think of belly flopping competition no there isn't one that's it that's it all good there isn't one i know and it's all good i don't live in a world where that happens what do they try to get the biggest splat? Why is this guy so fit doing? Oh, oh my. They're just trying to get the biggest splashes.

Death diving. They call it. See ya. Hey guy, get the job. Frederick Amundsen, Frigard, number 22.

Here he goes. Jumps and does a... What is this shit? All right, cool. You're out of pool having fun. See ya. That's it. We did it.

We did it. Yay! Another episode done. Another episode done. Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Check out... Oh. Also, check out the bets between Brian Callen and I.

There are four left to bet on. Next one is who can get a louder laugh at a comedy show. You can download the Crystalia app. Oh, I also want to talk about this one more thing before we go. Actually, let me fucking find it online first, see if I can find it. So Theo, my buddy, my arch nemesis on this podcast thing uh uh uh made fun of me uh up for canceling a show because of why because of. Because I couldn't get there. Literally couldn't get there.

But that snow, dude, that shit is. There we go. Yeah. Because of what? This, man. There we go. Yeah. Because of what?

Because of what? Because of snow. Crystal is canceled the show because of snow. Oh, my God. There it goes. Are you serious? I'm pretty sure. Let me say this.

Let me say this. And you know what? Actually, let me say this, man. I will never cancel a show. Cool. Here's what things I want. That's a great soundbite. That's a great soundbite.

That's a great soundbite. Awesome. I am so happy that Theo will never cancel a show. That's cool. I have some news for you. Theo didn't cancel a show. Theo canceled his whole European tour a week before it happened because he got a movie. I canceled a show because I couldn't get there.

He canceled the show because he chose to. Okay? So there's that. Here's the other thing. I didn't cancel the show. I moved it. I moved the show. I moved the show to a month later.

Sold more tickets so more people were happy. Here's the other thing. I'm doing this zombie movie. They hired me to play this zombie killer for this movie with Dave Bautista, who's great. Love him in Guardians of the Galaxy. was great love him in guardians of the galaxy uh theo canceled his tour because he got a movie where he's fighting aliens with chris pratt who is in guardians of the galaxy okay so not only did he do what he said he would never do he's doing the same thing i'm doing i'm fighting zombies with someone from guardians of the galaxy

and he's fighting aliens with someone from Guardians of the Galaxy and he's fighting aliens with someone from Guardians of the Galaxy. Who's the stepdad now? And who's the real daddy? That's it. That's all I gotta say I'll let you do the math on that one um

yeah that's all that's all I have to say about that actually cause I'm sweating and I want to end this goddamn podcast. It's too hot in here. And there's fucking 75 dogs in here. We got Santa Barbara, Riverside, San Diego, Foxwoods, Bethlehem, Rochester, Royal Oak, New Day added, Detroit, New Day added, New Buffalo, all this shit.

And I'll do this after or now? Okay, cool. You guys are great. Thank you very much for listening. And remember, thanks, guys. I'm going to go get a good job.