Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 158. The Turtleneck Episode

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

It’s the turtleneck episode! Today Chris talks about how much he hated the Sabra Super Bowl commercial, the greatest acting performance of all time (it’s Nicolas Cage in Bad Lieutenant), Machine Gun Kelly, and Patrick Mahomes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. This is episode 158 of Congratulations. Celebrate good times. You know what? I fucking told you. Dude, did you think I wasn't going to do it? This is the fucking turtleneck episode, man. And I got it. I legitimately got this turtleneck on right now. And it's, I got, I actually didn't mean to not bring towels.

I was going to stack towels up. But dude, it's so fucking on, man. I got this turtleneck. I bought it with my own money you should be proud of me i was with my german friend matthias and i had lunch with him he's in la and i was like i need to get a turtleneck let's see if they got turtlenecks dude we popped in a rag and bone and i got a fucking turtleneck and this is not an ad dude this is an ad for sexiness i'm wearing a turtleneck and And this is not an ad, dude. This is an ad for sexiness. I'm wearing a turtleneck. And dude, I look like a fucking bank robber, man. Like one in Britain in 1955. And that's so ill. And I got a bunch of drinks here. But I'll tell you what, before I even start,

I'm doing shots. I got shots of cold brew cold brew so i don't drink but i still want to be a part of it and it's kind of bullshit i don't get to do shots so it's on dude imagine me fucking sitting in a turtleneck in a french cafe just doing shots of espresso cold wow god damn dude girls will be like parlez-vous a francais and i will be like i don't know i upped the game dude i fucking upped the game how many of you motherfuckers know that uh uh that somebody did a podcast with a turtleneck on anyone anyone if so they're fronting bro this is This is the real deal. Anyway, it's episode 158 of congratulations. And I got some dates here that I'm coming.

March 20th and March 21st. First, first, March 20, Colin Firth. I'm doing West Palm Beach, Florida. I'll be there March 20th and March 21st. West Palm Beach, Florida. April 3rd, April 3rd. I'll be in Robinson, Mississippi. And April 3rd, I'll be in Robinson, Mississippi. And April 10th, I'll be in

Rohnert Park, California for some reason. Then I got Vegas dates, the 17th and 18th of April. And then I'll be in Brea, California April 30th to May 3rd. And then May 7th to May 10th. Going to be there. Going to just buy a house there, I guess. Because I'll be there for so long. And then Vegas

again, August 28th and 29th. So that's what's up. Also, a lot of guys want to know about my opener. You know, I don't mention him all the time, but his name is Mike Linoche. And he's got some dates coming up, too, that I wanted to promote because I wanted people to go to his show. Because deep down under it all, nice guy. New York, February 11th, Gotham Comedy Club. Boston, February 12th, Laughs Boston.

And tickets at website or bio in his profile. That's Mike Linoci. So you can go check out the guy opens for me. He's been opening for me for years. So if you've seen me do stand-up, you've probably seen him. So go support him in Boston and New York. I think it's MikeLinoci.com or MichaelLenochi.com. Whoops.

Pissed off. Messed it up. Yes. No, but yeah, it's MichaelLenochi.com. And I fucking always think about how he uses the name Michael instead of Mike, and he should just use Mike. But it's all good, dude. It doesn't matter. What's the matter?

He's not me. Thank God, by the way. Dude, here's the other thing, too. He couldn't pull off a turtleneck. But I got it, dude. I got a fucking it's the turtleneck episode. Hey, dude. Congratulations.

It's the turtleneck episode. Wow, dude. Imagine me just plowing you at 430 pck episode. Wow, dude. Imagine me just plowing you at 4.30 p.m. with that song. With this only a turtleneck on, dude. And the turtleneck goes low, and I cut out a hole for the dick and balls to come out on the bottom of my shirt. And I'm just drilling. Dude, we drill. We drill, my babies.

But I do it slow and controlled. I don't fucking pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. I don't do that kind of sex. I sincerely never did that. I do beautiful. Even if we're having sex in a basement or if we're having sex in a fucking hallway somewhere, it's practically like we're on the veranda and we're French. And the curtains are just blowing in on the inside and the sunlight is peeking through.

And we're in a beautiful fucking bed with one of those like bottom frame posts that come up. Even though that's annoying because I'm very tall. I'm a tall drink of water obviously. But on the bottom, it's got one of those footboards. And it's hard for me to keep my legs extended on it because I have to bend it up like a grasshopper. Anyway, it's beautiful when we have sex in the veranda. I've never had sex. I've only made love.

Anyway, do it. Dude, it's on and popping, man. It's fucking so on and popping and it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Harry Carey sings that um so fucking so bitch it's so unbelievable ah that song is so bitch wow it's unbelievable anyway dude come see me it's all good who cares if you don't come it doesn't matter i have this podcast anyway dude i'm drinking this 40 ounce of water uh shout out to my boy theo rossi but also um yeah i'm wearing this turtleneck and bro let me

tell you something it's fucking sweating bullets bro when you put a turtleneck on if it's 20 degrees and you put a turtleneck on instantly it's 85 degrees outside and if you put a fucking turtleneck on nowadays it's 50 degrees in la it's 110 what is it june in arizona uh anyway yeah dude uh so that's jesus i haven't right legitimately we've been talking i've been talking for six minutes and 20 seconds literally have said absolutely nothing but that's Jesus. I haven't legitimately we've been talking. I've been talking for six minutes and 20 seconds. Literally have said absolutely nothing. But that's all good, man. Because why the fuck would you come here to what do you want to learn about the caucus?

What do you want to learn about the fucking caucus? No, dude. Honestly, the caucus doesn't even know about the caucus. Dems made that up and they fucked it all up. Why are you changing it? Why are you changing it? Just get emails, dude. Do it old school you changing it just get emails dude do it old school you don't need an app for it you don't need an app for everything you know there's a fucking

app that will tell you how you sleep and shit i don't even believe in that dude i tried to get this whoop band and it guess what damn fucking work dude i put the whoop band how they said it and it didn't work okay and then i put my friend's whoop band on to make sure, and no matter what I was doing, no matter how hard I was working out, my fucking, what do you call it? Body, my rate, my heart rate was only 92 beats per minute. That's crazy. Do you know why? I'm not Dekanebe Mutombo. Okay?

My heart rate blasts when I work out because you know it's hard well especially when i do legs oh and i was doing legs that day i was doing eccentric fucking workouts and i was pausing at the bottom for for three seconds trying to hold it and my shit's 91 bro i wrote back and forth to the whoop guys and we were emailing and, and they were like, well, I didn't see that. I don't see that. I don't know if that's true. And I'm like, alright, cool. Guess what? Click, slide over. The Whoop band's gone. I'm not doing it anymore.

So we all lose. So we all lose. I don't know about my body. What's going on with my body, dude? Maybe I'm Gemini Man or something. But anyway, I got this fucking turtleneck and it's so on it's so cool man i look so cool um so that's i guess what we would but that's all we should talk about about the turtleneck thing but uh we did that um what do you call it? We did the thing about how you could text me the number of cities that I did on my community thing.

And I got it here. Someone guessed it, dude. I said, guess how many – this is the best too. I said, guess how many cities I played on the follow the leader tour. And if you text it to me on my, on my number, on my, on my number here,

uh, you can text it to me. It's, uh, eight, eight, one, eight.

I mean, it's too late. The contest is already over, but it's eight, one, eight, uh, two,

three, nine, 70, 87, eight, one, eight, two,

three, nine, 70, 87. And, um, I said, if you text it to me first person to get the number of cities

can you have free tickets to see me wherever the fuck you are two free tickets and a meet and greet and the guy it was Grayson Converse is his name this is just his name that he plugged into that I don't know if that's his real name I doubt his last name is actually really Converse but he's probably wearing Converse

and didn't want to give me his real last name. But anyway, he writes 119 cities, buddy. And he was fucking right. I played 119 cities on the Follow the Leader tour. And that's unbelievable, dude. And that's so unbelievable. Oh, because that's a lot of cities. Some guy wrote me 480 cities.

And I was like, hey, guy. No. So I i wrote you win uh you're you're uh you're in he's in la i said let me know anytime you want to come see me and i'll get you tickets and say what's up and he writes haha nice man this will rock for us and i wrote let me know and he never wrote back and that was january 28th all good a week ago so i'm waiting to hear fucking from him now i feel like the fucking fan bro i'll just show up to wherever you are man with tickets hey man it's me and my turtleneck did you want to hang out so he won and he has fucking free tickets so that's cool anyway uh so won, and that's awesome. Good. Congratulations to him.

Grace in the converse, dude. And if you don't, meet and greet doesn't work. Let's go to France. I'm going to lay you out sideways. So have you seen? This is the main thing I want to talk about today the main thing that is very important that i want to talk about that i can't fucking believe is something this is i've dude you know me everything's jokes i make the jokes i'm silly being silly and, I'm never trying to be a dick.

Like, dude, here's the other thing, too, man. I was on Twitter. Before I even get into this. Hey, log in, dude. Hey, log in. So I was on Twitter, and I wrote something. Look, I met MGK, you know, at the comedy store. We're buds online.

I like the guy. I think he's fucking, you know, the music bangs. He's a rock star. And I write, you know, he had that thing where he was playing the guitar on the fucking, Travis Barker tweeted it. And just like that, Interscope will never be the same. And Machine Gun Kelly is fucking rocking out on the table for the people, for the executives where he was listening to his music.

And I was like, all right, cool. And I thought, and it cuts before he gets off the table. And I wrote, I want to see footage of you getting down off the table afterwards, Machine Gun Kelly, which to me is funny because there's really, if you're on a table, first of all, if you're on a table, you're the shit. It doesn't matter what you're doing. You could be one of the fucking bartenders at Coyote you could be machine gun kelly you could be a baby like a legit toddler on the table just fucking doing like like way like you know what i mean trying

to eat food on the table babies always look at their busting nuts you know what i mean they're always just like so um i tweeted that because i thought it would be funny and i thought he would laugh and of course he you know he probably did and then some people write then he then you all my fucking you guys do it a lot of you are trying to impress me you don't really a lot of yous out there you don't really get how humor works you know you'll be like literally like yeah fuck that asshole and you're like well i'm just joking that's not a joke dude you know so they write so so people so a lot of people were like cringe fuck him this him, this and that. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, you know. So he wrote back.

He was like, well, if it was up to your fans, I would have fell on a bag of shit and broke my ankle or some shit. And I was like, yeah, you're right, bro. My fans are going ruthless, you know. So I wrote him and I was like, yo, man. And he was like, nah, I'm an easy target. It's all good. The Leah fan for life. So my whole thing is like relax okay

you don't need to fucking go on all cylinders you know it's like make it like like uh somebody said to me uh like people make fun of when you know when i put out i put up these workout videos sometimes on my story because it makes me want to work out more and then i feel if i don't work out and i don't post the story on instagram then you guys will be like he didn't work out and he's slack he's lagging and so i need to fucking do more workouts because let's be honest your boy's getting fucking v'd out right like my abs are starting to look some like double black diamonds. And I'll tell you what, Sony just called me, and they want to shoot some fucking outdoor movies on my back. Okay?

I mean, I swear if you have a magnifying glass, and if you look close enough, you could find Jake Gyllenhaal and fucking Heath Ledger, because these are the Brokeback Mountains. All right? And I'm just telling you real stuff. Like, this could be on NPR, okay? I'm just telling you actual facts, and it's a comedy podcast.

But my back, it has an atmosphere, okay? I was itching the other day, and I looked, and there were little birds flying all around. What am I going to do? I love animals. I let them fly around, and I still and there were little birds flying all around. What am I going to do? I love animals. I let them fly around and I still got some sleep. But my point is, I actually legitimately don't know my point. Okay. But we're honest here on this bit and in this podcast, we never lie. Okay. When I wear this turtleneck and I walk around town, I pass out towels because I don't want girls to hurt their tailbone or ankles. But I'm telling you, people go hard in the fucking paint online. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like they go real hard in the paint. And I'm always just joking. I really am, dude. When it all comes down to it, I make fun of fucking Jeremy Renner. I make fun of this and that. Dude, I love Jeremy Renner. His acting is fucking really good, dude. When it all comes down to it, I make fun of fucking Jeremy Renner. I make fun of this and that. Dude, I love Jeremy Renner. His acting is fucking really good, alright? There's something, though,

that's real, my babies. There's something, though, that's not a joke. And it's how much I will never eat Sabra hummus again. Why? Because of their fucking commercial.

Now, I always say this here. There should be no bad commercials, period. There shouldn't be bad commercials. Do you know why? There are 30 seconds. Do you know why? 30 seconds of content should be fucking easy even if you're trying to get a message across and you're trying to take people's money

okay kleenex or whatever the fuck it is i saw this is all like just the whole culture or i don't even want to use that word the whole culture, or I don't even want to use that word. The whole Super Bowl commercial, it's just people who say they watch Super Bowl just for the commercials are the most boring people in the whole fucking universe. All right? Because do you know what? The commercials in the Super Bowl, they fucking suck. All right? Maybe there's two funny ones every three years, but like they're not that good. All right?

Also, if they're that good, they should always all be that good, every commercial ever. So really you're just being a coup to thinking they're good because they think they have to be that good. Commercials are so easy dude the most famous commercials of all time that have been spanning uh spanning time spanning time we're spanning time remember that in fucking buffalo 66 we're gonna span time one of the greatest movies ever asked him for a photo once he said i'd rather not i was like oh yeah i forgot you're a fucking weirdo it's all good and um you know these super bowl commercials they pump so many so much money into it and they're just so bad all right and i'm not hating but i you know it's like get it together be better they're all glossy and shit. This Sabra Hummus commercial just takes the fucking cake.

Okay? First of all, the catchphrase is, America, how do you muss? All right. You're trying to make a fucking thing. You're trying to make a catchphrase. Now, this comes from your boy. Kengo catchphrases? I don't try to make these catchphrases.

I don't. They pop off catchphrases. I don't. They pop off when they pop off. I let them fucking speak to me. Okay? I put out in the world, whatever I fucking talk about, it's bullshit. And when somebody says, yeah, I'm a baby, I say, oh, that seemed to work. So now, y'all are my babies. Okay? work. So now y'all are my babies. Okay. When I tell you life rips, and then when it goes viral

on Instagram, the clip about me talking about how life rips, I realized it's an idea. All right. And that's how we promote the life rips culture. And even if you got bit in the face by a dog, life still rips. All right. And all of a sudden, yeah yeah now natch making bags off it but that's how you do it you let the people gravitate towards you you don't shove a saying or some must in people's face okay so sabra hummus this got all these fucking suits in a room and decided well we need a catchphrase how about we shorten hummus to muss and then we make it like it's a fucking verb how do you muss now instant brm my brm meter is at an all-time high now for those of you that don't know what BRM is it's blood red mad okay it's rising why am I seeing red because the blood's up to heger all right so they made a commercial how do you muss and got – now, I'm a fan of some of these people, and I've met some of these people, and they're nice people.

But they put everybody that's like viral or in a meme or famous for something either 50 years ago or 20 years ago or for something that lasted three days, eight months ago in this commercial. And it is just so fucking what it is that I want to shit all over the place and leave it there for 35 minutes. And guess what, Sabra? That's how I muss. Okay? How do you muss? Oh, well, what I do? Shit my pants and leave it there for 35 minutes and don't clean it up.

What are you doing, Chris? It smells. I'm mussing. All right? So, dude, this is the commercial, and this is, I don't even know who some of these people are. Some of these people I like. America, how do you muss? Okay? That's that guy, that wrestler guy. What's his name? Ric Flair. Cool. even know who some of these people are some of these people i like america haru you must okay

that's that guy that wrestler guy what's his name rick flair cool rick flair great you're back in the culture because the fucking what's his what's the uh fucking uh the three migos i'm gonna call him the three migos from now on is that why they're the fucking is that what it's supposed to be amigos dude you're the three migos man get some fucking mexican hats or whatever they are sombreros the three amigos you are the three amigos you're the three amigos. You're the three migos, dude. Dude, I figured this stuff out. So anyway, America, how do you must? This guy's back like he's Count Dracula.

Look it. Could he be more? This is how I must. Could he be more Count Dracula? America, how do you must? Count Dracula. All good. Count Dracula.

America, how do you must? I just fucking DDT someone. This is how I must. Dude, wrestlers, you know? Now, there's this chick who I don't know who it is, but she's laying like she's Nicki Minaj. And she's got everything's yellow, and she's – This is how I must. This is how I must.

This is how we must. Then two people that are maybe trans – I don't know. Am I in trouble now? But they're mustin'. Because you got to get everybody mustin', dude. If they only had white people mustin', or God forbid, white – straight white males mustin, then the whole thing would be like, well, wow, Sabra, you're canceled because of musting. Everyone musting is for everyone.

Dude, I guarantee, wow, that would truly be what happened. They'd be like, musting is for everyone. This is bullshit. And I'd be shitting in my pants leaving it there. And even though I'd be the straight white male, I'd be like, this is how I'm musting. And I'm a straight white male. This is how I must. Now, that's T-Pain obviously.

Now of course, of course, that's sad. Okay? Of course that's sad. Okay? Why? Because you know T-Pain went bankrupt. And if you don't know, you still think about it for a little bit and you think, well, of course he did though. So I do secretly know even though I never read that.

And that's also the truth. Because he bought houses and all these cars okay then now i like all these guys i i like t-pain's music i like the next guy um uh the guy who plays steve urkel jaleel white yeah i like this guy okay but of course he's in this. Okay. You must. I'm a celery. Okay, now Amanda Cerny.

It's Cerny, right? Yes, I know that. Like her too. I love her business sense. She kills it. It's inspiring. But of course she's in this. Then there's a guy that looks like fucking Tim Robbins. That's not Tim Robbins.

Don't know who this guy is. But he's musing a pretzel. Pretzels. Okay, boomer. Oh, and explosion. And explosion. And explosion. And explosion. These fucking suits in this goddamn fucking thing.

A bunch of dudes just, what about, what about OK Boomer? We got to add that. And explosion. Dude, are you fucking shitting me, man? You're going to give a phrase that's got eight days fucking keeping the internet on fire fucking three months ago. And now it's in this commercial with this fucking chick. Who is this? I don't even even know and then she puts a whole carrot in there with the fucking leaf on it on the end like goddamn go fuck yourself what is she a fucking

sociopath she's got the whole carrot in there with the leaf on the end like she's bugs bunny dude and then she says okay boomer and then body rolls and explosion. Dude, BRM meter is an all-time high, man. Are you fucking kidding me, dude? I want to take everybody from Sabra Hummus, dude, and I want to just take them out to dinner in a beautiful – and I want the dinner to last. I don't want them to sleep over. I don't want there to be any sex involved.

I want to be hanging out. I want to wake up, and I want to go to breakfast with them, and I want to be to last and I want them to sleep over. I don't want there to be any sex involved. I want to be hanging out. I want to wake up and I want to go to breakfast with them and I want to be having a great time. And then, dude, I want to go get mimosas with them and then I want to fucking have a little siesta and have some lunch

and then I want to take some mus out and I want to fucking put a spread out with all of the fucking things, the pretzels, the carrots, and all the shit and then I want to fucking take them back to my veranda

at fucking 4.30 p.m and bro and just lay them the fuck out dude and be like that's how i must come on dude okay boomer no dude everyone on the fucking thing under it okay boomer okay boomer okay boomer oh dude that's hey you know what dude it's not funny also it's been around boomer is a thing that has been around for so long and now just cuz we're all gonna say okay boomer no by the way the commercial is 15 through i see it's gonna yo now we had to make it appeal to the to other to everyone else besides whites so you've got this girl that just is pouring fucking stuff, hot sauce in it, which is seracist, okay?

You got the fucking brown lady with the hot sauce. Oh, the okay boomer guy is the boomer of Sison. Oh! Oh, so it's clever, okay? Oh, so it's clever. Oh, and we can get boomer of Sison. And they say, well, how do you know we can get boomer of Sison? Well, because he's not doing anything now.

And they say, well, how do you know we can get Boomer Esiason? Because he's not doing anything now. Oh, man. These Super Bowl commercials. Okay. So then... By the way, I know you're watching this, fucking people at Sabra. Because this podcast is too big. Every time I fucking mention something, I get tweets.

They're going to send me a package of Sabra Amis. And I'm going to have to fucking roll around in it. There's a dog. I must pizza, in subtitles. And then there's this kid, who definitely is on TikTok. I don't know who this fucking kid in all the yellow is, but he's definitely on TikTok. He's gaming. Bananas. No, you don't.

Don't lie. Bananas. Bananas. Must buy.op. No, you don't. Don't lie. Bananas. Bananas. Must-bop. And the Asian with the crab. Bro. Why is this so racist? And then you got the Chester Cheetos guy.

Then this magician guy. Which is like, it's like he's doing his magic shit, but really, it doesn't count if it's a fucking commercial because you're just using special effects. He's not doing it. They did it with Sabra people. And the winner is? With the beef jerky, which is S-racist. Spicy. This is fast forward.

Dude. Sassy. Turkey! Turkey! Jerky! This is how we must. Sabra hummus! Woo!

What's that? America, Haru, you must. This is how we must. This is how we must. Fucking Dracula, dude. Jerky! You know, whose goddamn idea was that? Whose fucking shit-ass idea was it to have T-Pain sing Jerky at the end of the song? Also, how much is that song a fucking GarageBand beat?

They didn't even pay for it because they spent so much money. a fucking GarageBand beat. They didn't even pay for it because they spent so much money. They spent so much money, dude, that they're like, we don't have any budget left for a song. And they'd be like, well, GarageBand was popular in 1999.

That girl's actually kind of cute, how she does that. I must pretzels. Okay, boomer. I see. That girl's actually kind of cute how she does that. I can't hate. But also, no. Oh, God. Dude, I want to be in that commercial for real. And I want them to cut to me and be like, I don't fucking must.

Or me just with pants on and shit leaking out of the fucking ankles. Just with pants on and shit leaking out of the fucking ankles. And with a bunch of Sabra hummus all around. My feet are in it. And I just go like this. And I go like this. This is how I must. I don't.

And then it cuts. And Boomer Esiason dipping a football in it. This is how I must. It just gets more and more crazy. And then me. Okay, Boomer. This is how I must. boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,

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Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Yeah, dude.

How do you must? Okay. Yeah, dude. That commercial is just so fucking ridiculously produced. It's just so bad. Let me do your commercials, Sabra. Dude, you don't understand, too. You have so much to lose.

That's the thing. I'm telling you right now, if you let me do your commercials, and I'm serious, if you let me do your fucking commercials, and then I'll lay and i'm in a turtleneck right now and i'm sweating bullets and i haven't taken it off because i'm down for the cause dude how much to also i fucking this is the tom cruise i'd realize this is him in the fucking and in his fucking whatever it is with Barbara.

Who is he? Barbara Walters? Is that what he was talking about? When you're a Scientologist, okay, when you're a Scientologist, you save people, right? You save people. Yeah, Barbara Walters, Tom Cruise, 1992 video. No, no, it's not the 1992 one. It's the other one. But anyway, he's got a turn icon, and I have a turn icon, so I'm Tom Cruise. And now you it's not the 1992 one it's the other one

but anyway he's got a turn icon and I have a turn icon so I'm Tom Cruise and all y'all can go fuck yourself um so did you watch the Super Bowl dude I was on that kid's Instagram uh I actually don't even know his name I'm so fucking out of the loop

what's his name uh the Super Bowl guy the the the fucking quarterback patrick mahomes the guy who won chiefs patrick mahomes that guy's cool he's like fucking if eric andre put the mask on and so uh patrick mahomes he's awesome. I love that guy. He seems like such a nice guy and good dude. And he scored a lot of touchdowns and he won the Super Bowl for the Chiefs. And the Chiefs haven't won in fucking 21 years. So that's cool. And he is 24.

And that's fucking insane to me. and he is 24, and that's fucking insane to me. The thing that's insane to me is how young these guys are now that I'm fucking. Now, I'm the youngest guy alive. Everyone knows that I'm the youngest man alive, but I'm fucking 39 also, and it's crazy that these kids are all so young, and they can just fucking win Super Bowls and also probably beat the shit out of me and that's so crazy but dude that's so cool that guy just looks like he's s living it up you know that's the thing when a 24 year old wins a super bowl it's time to s live it up

when fucking if the other dude won he's a little older he just kind of chills probably um anyway he's he's living it up dude congrats to the chiefs like i give a fuck but that guy seems like a cool dude his girlfriend is dude his girlfriend does the thing where it's like we did it and it's like okay that's my favorite when the guys and guys and girls do it alike they're just like dude we're going to the super bowl and it's like okay no you are khakis all day long every day i work um also you shouldn't just fucking scream in an instagram story at all that it's so annoying when people scream these are the instagram stories that just gotta

go people screaming like people go like that's just annoying dude don't ever go woo really ever anywhere really the super bowl okay a sporting event fine don't ever go woo though all right wooing is just so goddamn annoying and the thing is sit and think about that you agree right who the fuck wants to woo bro i got a turtleneck on now here's the other thing at the club i don't give a fuck at the club all All right. No, at the club where there's like strobes and oh, you're in Vegas. And guess what happens at the club? We'll win. So that's a double no.

All right. When you're just Instagram story. Oh, my, my girl. Oh, my God. Me and my girl, me and wifey or the bros just on the standing on the couches. No, dude. I don't want to see that. Whoops, I clicked on it by accident.

Another one is pictures of food, obviously. Everyone has fucking eaten before. I've seen all the food. Fuck that. There's probably people that are starving and fucking wherever the fuck people starve. Looking at your Instagram story all like damn that's the thing you want people to be like you don't want people to actually look at your story at the club you just want them to know that they were you were at the club having a good time also i don't want to be there so it didn't work on me

and i'm so cool so you want my fucking opinion um anyway uh anyway, dude, that was, that was, uh, congratulations to that guy, which is cool. My home. Remember that song? My, my home, my, my home boy, my, my home, my, my home boy, lighter shade of Brown. And I would listen to that song and I loved it. And my dad would say, I thought that was song. I thought that song was about a guy named Patrick Mahoney. Um, and he would laugh so hard and i wouldn't think it was that funny but whatever he's it was funny that he thought it was funny i like that much that's the thing when

somebody thinks something's fucking so funny i think it's extra funny it's probably why i laughed so fucking hard at my own shit anyway fuck y'all'all. I ain't got no motherfucking plan. That's why I fucked your bitch. How do you muss? So the football game, the Super Bowl game, is just the fucking halftime show, which I loved. It fucking, I'm a gay man. Do you understand me? I'm a gay man. Do you understand me? I'm a gay man.

Okay? The halftime show at the Super Bowl made me a gay man. Because I loved it. Because I'm sitting there watching Shakira and J-Lo and I'm not watching them like I want to fucking lay them out. You know what I'm talking about? I'm watching them like I'm proud of them.

I'm watching them like, wow. I'm Owen Wilson in this fucking, wow. And I'm watching them and I'm like, J-Lo's how old? 51 or 50? And she's moving around like that? And also, I hate when people say this because I never agree with it, but when people say like, yeah, she's 55 or 60 and hotter than ever, and it's like, okay, but you know really what you're doing.

But J-Lo's legit hotter than ever. She's hotter than she was when she was 25 or whatever, or 30. She looks so good and sexy. And Shakira, too. By the way, somebody, and then somebody at the end told me, and guess what, Shakira's 43. And I was like, together they're 93 they told me i knew j-lo had been around but then somebody like went and guess what shakira's 43 like the end of the

fucking movie that i always forget the name of time to kill not time to kill but the one with matthew mcconaughey time to kill and at the one with Matthew McConaughey, Time to Kill. And at the end, he's like, now imagine she's white. And I was like, oh. And Shakira's 43, and I'm leaning back, what? They're 93 together? And they're fucking it up, dude. And J-Lo had mirrors on?

Dude, how J-Lo is it when they're like, what do you want to wear? And she was like, mirrors. And they said, and they were like, well, why? And she said, I'm not answering. You figured it out. And then really the reason why was though,

because she wanted you to see yourself when she's dancing to see how much fucking uglier you were compared to her while she was dancing. See how much of a fat piece of shit you are when she's dancing, killing it with Shakira. And she wanted Shakira to see her mistakes too in the mirror. That's what J-Lo did. She was like, I'm just – she was fucking killing it with her shit. she was fucking killing it with her book,

with her shit. And she wanted mirrors because she wanted Shakira when she looked over to see JLo killing it. And then Shakira rack focus to herself in the mirror on how she's not as good. That's what JLo's thought was. And I'm not saying Shakira wasn't as good, but that's what her thought was. By the way, Shakira was the shit for one reason.

And we all know the reason because she fucking leaned in the camera and went. So Shakira was the shit for one reason, and we all know the reason, because she fucking leaned into the camera and went. So Shakira for president. Now, my favorite thing is how the Internet went nuts. It was like, oh, yeah, she's representing. That's what we do in our culture for fucking when we show excitement. And it's like people just flipped out. This is a great day for whatever culture does that. I don't even know.

I'm fucking white. And they're like, this is a great day for us representing. Imagine if fucking like Tucker Carlson did it or like Anderson Cooper or just even fucking Adam Levine. If he was just like, she got that moves like Jagger. She got that moves like Jagger. she got that moves like jagger she got that moves like jagger and they just run it would be fucking canceled city which is hilarious you know are you appropriating culture or not either way i'll lay it either way either way let's go to France, my babies.

Dude, I need a fucking lay it out zone where I just like it's like in a tourist. It's in a tourist hustle and bustle and tourism and shit. And I just have a door and it's me kicking it out there and a fucking turtleneck. And I'm like, hey, if anyone needs to get laid out, come on in. Just in a turtleneck. And then they come in. And I go, hit it. And I go, next. And it costs $23.

And I don't even use the money ever. I just save it like Jay Leno with his fucking Tonight Show money. Because he never uses Tonight Show money. If you guys know that. Or if you don't. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have explained it. You should have just fucking been on my level.

I don't give a shit. Anyway. Anyway, dude. About the fucking – let me do the ads and then I'll talk more about the J-Lo shit. Dude, it's like with the Super Bowl thing, J-Lo and then people were like – this is what I don't like about Twitter moments, man. I'm on Twitter, and I tweeted about this because my tweets are really fucking important, you know? I needed everyone to know.

So I went to Twitter. So I took to Twitter, right? And I was like, you know what? I'm going to fucking, I'm going to bang a few tweets out. Now, is my shit loading right now? No. Does it make me mad?

Yeah, of course. But it's loading now, so it's okay. The internet should be blazing. Had one fire tell me to fucking do it. Number one internet service provider. And all of it. Anyway. Yeah, it was widely lauded.

This was a Twitter moment that I tweeted. It was widely lauded when the scrutiny over Shakira and J-Lo's Super Bowl performance sparks conversation on double standards. Now it says while Shakira and J-Lo's halftime performance on Sunday was widely lauded some viewers commented on the artist's clothing and dance moves several people

took the opportunity to acknowledge that the same concerns weren't raised or dude here's the deal if several people are doing it then it's not a fucking twitter it's not a fucking Twitter. It's not. Who gives a shit? Why are you giving four people a platform? This is the this is the fringe. So then you put it on the Twitter moments. And now everyone thinks it's a thing. And then everyone else gets mad. And it's a huge problem. So Twitter got quest to do.

It's so annoying. They ripped these girls. These women ripped the halftime show. Four people are like, well, four Mormons or Catholics are like, well, I don't want my kids seeing the inside of J-Lo's leg. And so now Twitter puts this on as a twitter moment and now everyone else is like you know the left has gotten out of control or whatever the fuck when the left is fine the right's well but it's like you know it's so annoying man it's like a problem twitter it's annoying when they do that dude twitter is so biased man but what are you gonna do that's where i get all my fucking news and gifs what am i gonna do dude that's who i that's how i found out the girl who fucking drank

the pepsi and didn't like it and then did like it that's how i found out the girl who fucking drank the pepsi and didn't like it and then did like it that's how i found out about her who's a fan of the podcast apparently shout out to her i see your tweets you're in the hummus sabra commercial but it's all good we still love you baby um uh yeah that's the other thing too like people are going to tweet the people in the sabra commercial oh chris leo fucking he's hating on you no i'm not dude it's all good man make those bags for real i would have been in that fucking commercial in two seconds how much okay this how i must just putting fucking can i put bubble gum in it um so yeah dude it's the fringe you know it's not the fringe that's fucking it up it's the fucking

it's it's giving four people a platform anyway i want to talk about the greatest acting performance of all time and it it's in one scene, and I can't believe I've never talked about this before. But it is – I should have looked it up. How do you spell lieutenant? LIU? Really? There's no E in there? Oh, so L-I-U? Really? There's no E in there? Oh, so L-I-E-U.

On fire. When he does the fucking Nicolas Cage, when he goes, Sup? Sup? You know that scene? Oh my God, dude. I'm looking this up. Nicolas Cage, sup?

Dude, he keeps saying sup in this. I'm just going to play the... This is the greatest... If you motherfucker... This is what I say. I get in an argument all the time with my girl about this fucking... Nicolas Cage, greatest actor of all time. All right?

You know why? He makes choices. He makes... He takes chances. They're not all going to be good. But because he does that, it makes him fucking amazing. All right? Nicolas Cage is an amazing actor that has done some bad movies.

But this is the – he keeps coming out with movies and I'm like, all right, so he's the greatest. To take a chance and do this in a movie is the most donkey-balled choice you could possibly make. His balls are so large that he just sometimes relaxes by sitting on them. Okay? They're like one of those fucking things that you can find in the toy stores that you bounce on. Those are what his balls are because of this. find in the toy stores that you bounce on. Those are what his balls are because of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is that Taliban shit. That's what this is. So he's in a car with three black guys. Now, it's important that he's white and they're black because you can tell Nicolas Cage, God, he's so good. Look at his face. Just look at his goddamn face in this fucking thing.

That's money. God, he's so good. Look at his face. Just look at his goddamn face in this fucking thing. Motherfuckers, why they blow themselves up? That's money. Yeah. Hey, sup? He wants to impress them, and this is just unreal, unreal that he does this, dude. That's money. Yeah.

Hey, sup. Where's the 15,000? He just stops them by saying, hey, hey, sup. Dude. You don't get it, man. Relax. All that. Did I not do what I said I was going to do?

Yo, man. Relax. Tell me again to relax. Mm-hmm. I'm not looking to beat you, man. Where's my money? He's holding a gun on him. I'll get your money. When? Tomorrow Where?

So good My place Give me a cut of the uncut dough So good I'm gonna pay you in money So good This is interest That's bullshit, man

What's that, little man? Yeah, Mitch Chill out Here Takes the coke what's the gun away and then this wasn't

there's no way this was in the script amazing to the break of dawn baby dude how he goes to the break of dawn baby uh so insecure but also so secure bro nicholas cage i'll suck you off straight up. Look at this. Then he goes into the fucking bar to the

fucking, to this white guy, and this is what he does. No, don't talk to me about no fucking bets, Terrence. Don't you like me no more? You don't pay your debts. I don't want to know you. I can't afford it. Ten grand. Five by oh. Yeah? Five inisiana right there sup

oh uh putting money in his pocket saying sup where'd you get this what are you my priest it's right there here you got it that's a six-point spread oh shit sup he's the best actor there i mean dude if you don't think nicholas cage is the there's a comment nicholas cage caged the shit out of this role i love this man when he says to the break of dawn baby god he's fucking full throttle huh nicholas cage is just so good i want to meet him so bad that's the only guy I'd probably geek out harder than when I met Keanu Reeves. I don't know. It's up there.

The two of them are the best. Different. Different. Nicolas Cage, I genuinely think is one of the greatest actors of all time. Keanu Reeves, I think, is one of the greatest movie stars. But yeah, man. Wow. Just fucking sup. Sup. Just fucking sup.

Sup. Hey, sup. I'm jealous he did that. Now I can't do it. I gotta get in more of these fucking movies so I can take fucking donkey ball chances, man. I need to take these donkey ball chances, man. Just gotta get comfy. What else? Let's's look do we have uh uh any twitter questions or anything like that

sup sup sup bro what is this no this is oh this is funny what's up with uh the caucuses man i don't give a fuck Oh, this is funny. What's up with the caucuses, man? I don't give a fuck. Duh, man. Duh, man. There's something else I want to talk about. I can't remember, and it's all good.

Doesn't matter. Either way, it doesn't matter. I don't have it. Instagram, most fucked up Instagram. I got to start doing that again. Most fucked up Instagram post of the week i do like that um here we go twitter questions krista smith crystalia what is your hair care routine so um i wash it like every three, four days. Depends on how fucking sweaty I get at the gym. I fucking wash it with Nioxin or whatever the fuck because you never know. Because maybe who knows if you'd be losing your fucking hair.

And so I keep it nice and thick, my baby. And then every time I wash it with the Nioxin and put the conditioner in, I pop on out and I dry my hair. And, bro, that shit looks phenomenal. My shit fucking puffs the fuck out sometimes so hard i look like a goddamn mushroom and i need to and i need to honestly take a step back but when i put a turtleneck on it's cool because my hair flattens out a little bit and then bro if i wash my hair and then the next day put a turtleneck on forget it forget it they go Brad Pitt who that's what they do they go Ryan rent I can't remember Reynolds or something that's what they do when I do that they go fucking why do I always forget this guy's name guy from Blade

Runner not Harrison Ford the other one Ryan Gosling. I fucking always forget his name. Weird mental block. Anyway, also, that's what I do. And then I put a little bit of stuff in it because, you know, you got to put it in. Otherwise, it's so frizzy. I don't want to literally put my fucking finger

in an electrical socket. What? I don't know. I can't remember. I used to use that philip b stuff that was cream of the crop and they discontinued it dude that's what happens with the hair shit man i'll use it for like six years and then they discontinue it i got my dad hooked up on it and then it discontinued it and so now i feel like a bad son um so uh whose body were you disposing of in logic and m&m's homicide video by logan riddiff i you know i don't know they never fucking said anything was it somebody i think people thought it was certain people but i i nobody ever told me maybe it was supposed to be somebody and i didn't even

know about it um and then uh what else uh i gotta start freestyling more speaking of rap i have the hottest freestyles dude you heard about this one And I ain't going to be farting after that because that's shit. And after that, then I'll just be chilling and she'll think twice about maybe smelling the room when she's around me, dog. But she ain't around me that much because she's scared I might poop alarm again. But I won't ever do a poop alarm again, especially if I'm in the presence of a girl with tits. So I do hot as fuck freestyles, man. And I challenge anyone, honestly. I don't give a fuck. And I don't rhyme.

I try not to rhyme because rhyming is for fucking. Dude, that's for bitches for real. Yeah, just go out to all the women. Oh, shit. I just want to live my life and be happy. But if you in a relationship with a girl, that's next to impossible because they always upset with some shit that is not worth being upset about. Like you could be sitting down and a woman's like, yo, you should be standing up, not sitting down anymore. And then you're like, but that don't bother anybody. Why can't I just chill? Yep. series that you were supposed to listen to together but you went out of town and she was trying to listen to it without you even though you promised together that you listened to the whole thing so now you can't even listen to the podcast and it's a cultural phenomenon and

everybody's talking about it and that shit's supposed to make me feel okay but then when i raise my voice and say why you listen to that podcast she like why you raise your voice at me you shouldn't be doing that and you should only treat me with every with every respect'm like, but baby, it's not respectable if you're listening to the podcast and the later episodes that went on, we said we were supposed to listen to it together, but you're listening to the podcast, and now I'm more pissed off, so I gotta swallow that pride, and eat it up, and later on that become cancer, and then you're the winner because you like taking care of everybody, so you you take care of me on my deathbed and i make you feel like a woman yeah but i'm dying and that shit hurt because cancer ain't good

and it hurt and i'm withering away but secretly you happy so you get your way no matter what so see because that's the thing man a lot of these rappers don't rap about real stuff they'll just rap about fucking rims and bitches and shit and money. And like, I like to bring real actual content. You know what I mean? I like to, I'm like a conscious rapper.

Okay. So go fuck yourself, man. Uh, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta start freestyling more men in my, in my thirties.

Uh, all right, I guess we're done. You know, is there anything else that you wanted me to do? Okay, I'm done my 30s. All right. I guess we're done, you know? Is there anything else that you wanted me to do? Okay, I'm done. Thank you, guys. Wow, I can't believe I made it the whole turtleneck episode,

keeping the turtleneck on. So be proud of me, please. And also, my stomach and my chest is so fucking beat it up, dude. It's so beat it up. Anyway, we got to go because somebody's cell phone is fucking going off or something. Anyway. That's it. All right, you guys.

Thanks so much for listening. This has been the turtleneck episode. You guys ripped. And I really appreciate you guys. Thank you so much. Okay. Oh, also text me at 818-239-7087. Oh, new merch.

No, not new merch, but restock is coming this next week. So do that. This shit goes so fast. Come see me in West Palm Beach, West Palm Beach, Embraer, California. And I am finally getting a date for my new special. I have it, but I can't announce it yet so let me know guys, you guys are the best thank you so much for listening, see ya Thank you.