Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 17. Autopussy

Episode Date: May 22, 2017

Hey! It's the 17th episode! On today's show, Chris wonders about the jobs that gay people have. Also discussed: downtime in Toronto, too many shows on the food network, debunking Cooks vs. Cons, watching shows about dinosaurs, hookers, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate and review on iTunes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Oh, my God! Hello, babies. It's the 17th episode of Congratulations. How did we do it? That means we've been going 17 weeks strong without a fucking hiccup.

Isn't that amazing? I think it's amazing. I mean, it's not amazing, you know. It's not amazing considering that they can do brain surgery and take out cancer in your um you know uh mouth and shit but it's amazing in the sense that it's that white girl amazing shit when they're like oh my god it's so amazing and they're just talking about like sushi it's amazing in that sense. So thank you for helping out and being on this journey with me. I hate when people say things are a journey when you're not actually trekking through the jungle, but we're going to call this a journey, a 17-week journey that we went through together, mostly me, and you guys were there too, kind of just overseeing it. Like how,

um, like in the hunger games, when the people who created the hunger games were just kind of like watching everybody kill themselves, even though it had nothing to do, even though they didn't really have anything to do with it. You guys are those fucking people. You guys are those, uh, the bad, you guys are the bad guys basically. And I'm the hero and that's how it's going to be. Uh, but you know what? Nonetheless, you guys are my babies and hi. Um, I'm here in, I'm here in Toronto and, uh, I'm here. I'm back in Toronto because we had to finish the movie, uh, that I'm doing called life in a Year. And I'm here for another week. And this time around in Toronto, not so lonely. A lot more fun. The weather's awesome. I have a buddy

that I've been hanging out with. And he's been taking me around showing me some stuff. Also, there are other cast members here now that I've been hanging out with. Um, and, uh, so this Toronto looks like a little bit more of a place that I might move to, uh, which I won't, but you know what I mean? You look that you feel that way sometimes when you stay somewhere in a, for a while you're, you're, you're there for a while. I mean, I've been here for four weeks total now. It's going to be another week. And you get that thing where at the end of the movie where you're like, all right, it's time to leave. And then somebody's like, I'm staying.

And they're like, what? They're like, I'm staying, man. You know? There's nothing for me out there. I belong here, you know? Brent Morin and I used to do that joke when we were on the road together, when we were on the Undateable Tour. Or when, I think way back when, when he used to open for me, we used to be like, we used to, like, pretend we were leaving. When we were leaving on, like, the Sunday from the road, and used to be like, we used to like pretend we were leaving. We were when we were leaving on like the Sunday from the road and he'd be like, I'm staying. It was funny. Missed those days. But you know, I'll miss these days sooner or later.

That's the thing about retrospect. Retrospect or retrospect? Retrospect. Because it candy coats everything. Retrospect, doesn't it? Right? You could spend one month getting a fucking hot poker in the ass, and it would suck. And then in five years, you'd be like, God, remember that? Remember that? Oh, it sucked, didn't it? But fuck, man. Something about it is just fucking getting through it all. I mean, yeah, it hurt my asshole.

But just, I don't know, man. So funny. Right? Retrospect does candy coat everything like that. I've always thought that too. Ever since I was... Because who the fuck liked high school? I hated high school.

Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. Like in the old and living color shit. And then I fucking went back to the high school like a year later just to walk around and i was like ah this still sucks but then i went back like six years later and i was like oh man it's pretty cool then you know super creepy that i was six years later in uh hanging out at a high school.

But anyway, let's not talk about that. So yeah, this is episode 17, and I've been having a great time in Toronto. I've had some days off. I'm like the... I don't know. I'm like the fifth... I'm like the fourth or fifth main character in this movie,

so I don't shoot every day. So I've been... I've had a lot of downtime so i um i have been buying clothes and shoes and coffees and yeah you know that's the thing about not having a nine to five is like you spend a lot more money if you don't have a nine to five because you're not when you're at your work you're not spending money you're making money but when you have days off and you're in a fucking great city you're spending money especially if you're making money you're spending it um so i've been doing that and i shouldn't be but whatever fuck it you know uh what is it about this is how i want to i i want to ask this question pose it to you fucking babies what the fuck you think it is about how come uh um flight attendant guy flight attendants why are they all gay right i mean have you ever seen a

straight guy flight attendant what is that that's so weird you wouldn't think it would be a job that a gay guy would gravitate towards like why is that what is it about being 30 000 feet in the air what is it about being high up that makes you want to fuck guys? You know what I'm saying? Like, granted, there's no way they get up there and then they're like, wait a minute, I want to fuck guys. It's they're gay and then that's just something. But basically a steward or a stewardess, right,

is just a waiter on a fucking airplane. Kinda. And all guy waiters aren't gay, but all flight attendant guys are gay. I mean, what, 90%? I don't know. I mean, they're not all gay. I'm obviously generalizing. It's a comedy podcast, so don't crucify me.

But what the fuck is that? They're up in the air and they're just, you know what? Um, fuck these chicks. I'm going to, hey, uh, Ted, you, uh, you feeling like, uh, like Ted's another straight flight attendant, bit of beginner. Hey, Ted, you, you know what? Nevermind. And then Ted's like, no, no, no.

What? Say it. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Nevermind. It's kind of weird. Like, look at, you see that girl down there in the, I think she's in row 15. She's like, it's 15B.

And Ted's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, the blonde girl, the big boobs and the thin waist, right? And he's like, yeah, you see that girl? Yeah. Well, you know what? Never mind. Never mind. And then Ted's like, no, no, no, no, no. Say it.

Say it. I want to see where you're going with this because they're both like feeling like they understand each other And then she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Say it. Say it. I want to see where you're going with this because they're both like feeling like they understand each other. And he's like, nah, all right. Well, okay. Look, this is weird.

This is very weird because, but I'm just going to say it because fuck it, right? When she boarded the plane, I thought, God damn, like she is just, I want to, I want to have sex with that girl.

Right? And then he says, but now that I'm looking at her and we're 30 – now that I'm looking at her and we're – I'm just saying. And Ted says at the same time as the other guy says, yeah, yeah, yeah't want to fuck her anymore right and they're like yeah you'd rather go shopping with her yeah let's yeah and then that's just how i feel like that's how it happens like the higher up you are the more chance you are to be gay right but then if you think about it that's how it is though because when you when you're up at the in the empire stapling up top, like you get, like when you're up there and you look over, you, you go, you're like, Oh my God. Like that's, you know what I mean? You're that little, that shit comes out of you. You're like, Oh my God,

look at that down there. Ooh, all the people, you know what I'm saying? I think that there's some logic to that. Like in heaven, way up in heaven, everybody is just, women are just like, come on, guys. Please. It's been so long. And the guys are just like, sorry. We're too high up.

Literally with dicks in their hands, just not theirs, other men. And they're even like, we would fuck you if we were lower. You think, you know, you think about that and also too the more you think about it like coal miners guys who go underground guys who work in like sewers i mean come on dude no gays down there Zero gays. Only men who fuck. Only women. And not even just attractive women.

They don't give a fuck. So not gay because they're so underground. And they're just like, you know, the second they break above ground, they're just like, who am I fucking? And that's what hell's like. Down, down, way down underground. Under the earth. Right? You see, you know, if you're a woman, don't go to hell. You know?

I mean, that's your hell. You're just getting fucked every day by some fucking troglodyte. Right? Some construction worker that you don't want to really kind of have inside you. So all I'm saying is if you're a, you know, steward, you're probably going to be gay.

If you're not gay already, you're going to be gay. So, and that's fine. I'm not making fun of that. Go fuck guys all day long, but do it. You're going to do it on. But you're going to do it on a plane. So that's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm really ever saying, honestly. No. So I've had a lot of downtime. And I've been doing a lot of TV watching. There's a new show on called Cooks vs. Cons, and it's on the cooking channel, and I feel like they're running out of shit. Like they did Iron Chef 47 times,

and then they did Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, and Dorks 75. There's a million. It's on all day. And then there's other ones like Barefoot Contessa, which is weird as shit. And then they used to have Paula Deen, but not anymore because she said the N-word. It's crazy, though, by the way, that you you can say one word and then that's it for you. Like, that's actually amazing that there's one word. If you have a job, you have a job. And then if you say one word now, I granted, I know it's an awful racist word, but there's a word you

can say where you don't have the job anymore. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that fucking amazing that you can just say one word and your life is different? It's magic. It's fucking magic, actually. That's the magic word. It changes your life for the worst. Just don't say it. But yeah, it's pretty amazing that there is a word that can fucking change your life. And it's not presto. And it's not abracadabra. It's the N word. Or it's a lot of other words too. I mean if you say racial slurs or any kind of bigoted term, you can just get fired as shit. But yeah, so there's the word. There's the word.

There's the show Crooks vs. Cons and basically they have four chefs, quote unquote chefs. And there's a judge. There's always, by the way, there's always too many judges. Now, I've done one of these shows. I was on Beat Bobby Flay. And there's just too many judges. I was one of the judges. And then there was also another judge.

You need one judge on these shows. And also you have Bobby Flay. There's just too many. Now, I know, granted, I was the quote-unquote, even though I'm not that famous, I was the celebrity judge of that one fucking show, and then there was the actual food person that was good at it. And so she kind of led me. She was a Food Network star already, and she was kind of telling me what was what. Because I didn't know what the fuck I was saying. But,

there's like three or four judges on this Crooks versus Khans. And then there's a host who's also kind of a judge in himself. There's just too many. It's like fucking 12 angry men. Only Crooks versus Khans version. The food,

12 hungry men. So, so I'm, now I'm watching the show and there's four cooks right and but two of them are not cooks two of them are professional cooks and one of them and i'm sorry and two of them are cons meaning not convicts they're not fucking they don't work at prison – in prisons. But they have – they're like other things. They're like a school teacher or like a fucking banker that just, I guess, know – either know how to cook or learn how to cook for the show. I don't know.

And it's up to the judges to decide. First of all, somebody wins with the best dishes. decide first of all somebody wins with the best dishes and then but it's up to them to decide which uh um what do you call it which uh a person is the cook and which which persons are the are the con are the cons and so it's and by the way i don't know if it's because i'm a comedian and like i know how to like i feel like comedians are really good at reading people because you have to read audiences and you have to know what they're into and what they're not into it is so fucking easy to tell immediately who the cooks and the cons are it's not hard at all i feel like they get hung up on the tasting of it shit by the way cooking shows are so weird that they're so successful because you can't fucking taste this shit.

Food is a tasting-based experience. I mean, if you said to aliens, hey, we're going to put on a show and they're going to have, you know, we're going to show how to cook the food and then we're going to show people eating the food. And then that's the show. The aliens would be like, does it pleasure your taste buds? And you'd be like, no, you just watch it. And they'd be like, annihilate planet Earth. It just doesn't make sense, really. But I watch it all day long when I'm in Toronto. And it's so easy dude it'll be like like it besides the fact that they they look the people who aren't cooks they they shuffle around like they don't know a kitchen and then the chefs the

actual chefs are like but i bam bam you got the thing got bam bam move it bam bam bam they're sweating they're like bam bam bam they got a lot of shit on the line but the guy who's a yoga instructor is just like calmly moving around like if i lose fuck it who cares i'm not a cook i have no no bragging rights i mean granted they win money and they all want to win the money but but it's so easy to tell like at the end like at the during the tasting thing they're like so what'd you have here? And one of the guys is like, well, I made a trout with a bechamel sauce mixed with a white wine infusion, and I turned it over. It's upside down, so there's a little bit of a crisp on the bottom, which ends up being the top, which is very unorthodox in a trout dish.

top, which is very unorthodox in a trout dish. And I toppled it off with some carrots dipped in curry. If you wish, it's off on the side. And the curry is a little bit less spicy than normal curry because I didn't want it to overpower the trout. And I'm like, very interesting. Okay. And then they'll be like to the second guy, and what do you have here? And he'll be like, I made one cookie. Like, oh, yeah, okay, well, that's the con. I made one cookie. It has M&M in it. And they're like, mm, and then they're like, okay, chefs, or, uh, okay, judges, who's the cook, and who's the con, and they're like, you know, I really like, they just, like, fucking think about

it too much, they're like, I really like the, um, the sauce, and I loved how you had the white wine reduction, and the crispy part was okay, but you know what, uh, I just don't think that the carrots, was okay. But you know what? I just don't think that the carrots really played nicely with the curry. So I'm going to go ahead and say you're not an actual cook because I liked the cookie. It had one M&M in it. And although I would like to have more M&M, I think the ratio in M&M to cookie was good. So I'm going to say that you, uh, what, what was your name again? My name is Steven. Okay. I think you're the cook. And Steven's like, and they're like, well, Steven, are you a cook or a con? And Steven's like, I shed it. Oh, he's the, oh, he's the con yeah He's actually is he a giraffe

In a human suit Yeah I'm a giraffe I learn how to speak Ah shit I made a cookie I'm a cookie me I'm a cookie made in giraffe I'm a giraffe I make a cookie And I said that And they're like oh god And the other guy is a five I'm a draft to make a cookie. And I shut it.

And they're like, oh, God. Oh. And the other guy is a five-star Michelin restaurant owner. It's like, come on, guys. Just look at the guys shuffle around in the kitchen. I made a cookie. I'm putting it on and i'm in a petto bismol i put a petto bismol in it i'm i'm i'm really tall though because i'm a giraffe it's leaking down one of my four legs Like, don't fuck with the system, cooks versus cons.

And then they'll make, like, cook versus cons junior, too. And they'll be like, who's the cook and who's the con? And they'll be like, oh, they're all actually cons because they're all seven and none of them are cooks. Bye. Bye. So I watched those shows, though, because i love to watch those shows and i watched another show on the national geographic um channel oh and this actually kind of pissed me off i like national nat g i don't like when people say nat geo by the way even though that's what the channel's called

national geographic you say it so you don't abbreviate it. I don't like abbreviations, by the way. You call yourself National Geographic, that's what you call yourself. Call yourself Nat Geo. If that's your fucking thing, call yourself that. When people say sports are the worst, Diamondbacks? Hey, you're the Diamondbacks or you're the D-backs? If you're the D-backs, never say Diamondbacks. Hate that. Sesh instead of session.

Jump off a bridge. So they had this thing called T-Rex autopsy. And every time I saw it when it went to commercial break, I thought it said T-Rex autopussy. And I think that that would be the best dinosaur ever. T-Rex autopussy. And I think that that would be the best dinosaur ever. T-Rex autopussy. We found a dinosaur from billions and billions and trillions of years ago that is

the ultimate um, what do you call it? The ultimate fucking um predator in all of Earth's history. It is the T-Rex autopussy.

It would fuck anything it could find. It would put it in its pussy and automatically fuck it. The T-Rex autopussy. I'm a fucking idiot. So, anyway anyway and every time it would go to commercial break i would see it and i would say out loud by myself t-rex auto pussy i watched the whole thing and it was one of those things you know when you turn when you just kind of lounge in in bed

and it and something comes on and you're like, this looks kind of interesting. And you're watching it. And then you're like, been watching it for a while. And you're like, how fucking long is this? It was like eight days long. So I was watching it. I was watching it. Sorry, fixing the mic here. I was watching it sorry fixing the mic here i was watching it and uh it they basically got this

uh t it's so dumb because they were like oh uh never in history has anyone ever found uh a t-rex body all intact and like no shit no no shit. Because they were around 15 million years ago. And all things decompose in fucking 25 minutes. Okay? Not really, but you know what I mean. When it comes to Earth's timeline, we are in the millionth, millionth percent. Millions of particles inside us that are inside all of the universe. So they basically had the dinosaurs roam the earth in the millionth percentage of what is known as the earth's timeline in a year.

I watch Cosmos and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck they're saying. There are so many time periods in that shit. They're like, if dinosaurs were alive, they would be alive in the millionth percentage, in the millionth month, in the millionth time period, December 31st millionth, in the millionth particles.

And you're like, and you're literally like, I'm getting smarter, but you're not. You're getting dumber. It's so amazing, though. So I'm watching. That was a neck crack, by the way. So now I'm watching this autopussy thing. And by the way, if you just tuned in now, that's the best part.

So I'm watching this autopussy thing. And I'm watching it. And so they're like, nobody's ever found a T-Rex intact, which is obvious. They've only found some fossils, which even then they don't find them altogether. They find like a little bit of a jawbone. And some fucking large bald dork is in like North Africa in the middle of nowhere dehydrating his ass off. And he's like, I found something. And it's like the size of his fucking dick.

And he's like jizzing his pants. And they all have bad teeth. It doesn't matter where they're from. They get there and they have bad teeth. They all have bad teeth. It doesn't matter where they're from. They get there and they have bad teeth. And they're like, this is really amazing because we found something from a spinosaurus.

And this is an actual mandibular. It's from the mandibular. It's actual and they show you it and it's the size of your fucking nail. And so I say large ball dork because dork, any dork, I'm a dork. Any dork that – I say dork like if you're so passionate about whatever the fuck you do. And I'm a dork obviously about stand-up. But large bald because they're in the fucking north – they're in North Africa in the middle of the desert and they're wearing all tan. Why can't you wear anything but only tan in North Africa? Has anybody worn like – I feel like here's the thing.

Has anybody worn like, I feel like, I feel like here's the thing. If you're white, if you're of a whiter hue, you know, a beige hue, you only wear tan. But if you're black or, you know, if you're of a brown hue, you wear straight up hot pink. Like, that's how I feel. And, you know, it's obviously not right, but that's how I feel. Like any black guy I've seen on TV in Africa, he's wearing hot fucking pink. And any white guy, he's dressed like Sean Connery in Medicine Man. So now, I don't know where the fuck I'm going, but they had this show and they recreated a T-Rex. The team – this team, this crazy fucking – they made a T-Rex like out of, I don't know, prosthetics and makeup and shit. And it's incredible. It's the size that an actual T- and makeup and shit. And it's incredible. It's the size that an actual T-Rex would be. And, of course, they took some liberties.

I mean, maybe, you know, some of the T-Rexes, I mean, maybe some of them, they don't know everything about the T-Rex, but they know, like, a lot about it. Like, they know about the bones, obviously, because of fossils. And they think they know about the skin, and they think that they have feathers and shit, which I didn't know, but, you know, the eyes and stuff they i think they took some liberties and shit but you know they were like this is you know close enough and so they made this t-rex and it's and then they have these four i guess they're all scientists in different areas and they like cut it open and it's called t-rex autopussy and and they cut open this this fucking t-rex and it's gross as shit like it's how it would it looks like how it would be and uh and i watched this thing but it was annoying because

they were like oh you know they never found t-rexes we never found a t-rex and then and then they would and then they would go right to they'd say that in the beginning of every commercial break like right when it would come back come back but then they would go right to – they'd say that in the beginning of every commercial break, like right when it would come back. But then they would be like, so since we found this T-Rex, I had no idea it was going to be like this. And then you – and I'm a smart person when it comes to shit like that. Even I would be like, wait, is this – did they find it or is this real? But then obviously I'd be like, well, obviously it's not fucking real. You'd hear about that the second it came out.

You wouldn't have to wait until fucking National Geographic would show you. It came out in like 2015. This is a rerun. Like this is not how I would learn it, right? But the acting was so bad. Some of the guys were so bad. But some of them were good. There was this fucking either – I can't remember now if it was British or Australian.

I guess it was British. Maybe. I can't remember now if it was British or Australian. I guess it was British. Maybe. I don't remember. I know it's a totally different accent, but he was like killing it. He was like, let's pop the eye out and fucking look at the ocular nerve. But, oh, this is why I'm telling the story. So then I go to like Google it, obviously, to look. And the number one question is, where did they find the T-Rex for the Nat Geo show?

Like, come on, fucking idiots. You know? It's pretty conch. You can be as stupid as you want to, but come on, dude. Are only six-year-olds Googling shit? They didn't find a fucking T-Rex. They made it. But they were, they really tried to sell it.

They were like, what? It's pregnant? And you're like, it was pregnant when it died. And I'm an idiot. I'm like, oh, wait, what? Well, no, no, no, no. It wasn't. They made it. They made the baby in the thing. Obviously, they constructed all of it. You guys,

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Like, I was talking to some guy from Toronto, and he was like, yeah, well, L.A. I was guy from Toronto and he was like, yeah, well, L.A. I was at his restaurant. He was like, yeah, well, L.A., you know, there's a lot of plastic surgery girls. And I was like, bro, there's a lot in Toronto, man. And he was like, well, there are, yeah, but you do have the natural looking girls. And I was like, yeah, you do. But, man, some of these girls with the lips, bro. It's so weird, like, being in a time where plastic surgery is like i mean dude my buddy was like look at this chick she's from toronto and he showed me pictures of one girl and then he was

like i found out what she used to look like and she looked nothing like that it's crazy you can do that and you they look hot now and it's fucking weird because they're all looking the same right they get that little perky nose and they get the bigger lips and they get their fucking brows done. And some of them get their cheeks done and their fucking jaws, you know, I don't know. But they're all looking, they look the same. You can tell when a girl gets a lot of plastic surgery done because they look the same. They look like they're from Stephen King's Sleepwalkers. And it's weird, man.

I don't know why they... I don't know what the hell that addiction is. It's definitely an addiction, though. And then you see the little girls that... And then the girl that does that is also friends with other girls that do that. And then they all look like fucking sneetches. And they're all chilling out like sneetches

at a fucking restaurant eating appetizers. It's fucking crazy.'re gonna live by the year and i don't even think it's that far off by the year 2000 it oh by borrow by the year 2025 everyone's gonna look fucking the same there's gonna be chicks and guys are gonna be like uh i don't really care who i go out with i guess as long as they're nice they'll look the same and i guess well you know maybe it'll be good because maybe people will fucking then guys will be less shallow and just be like oh well i'll just fucking like a girl for what who she is but then that'll fuck up the whole dubai trip thing that'll fuck up instagram you know what i mean if all girls look the same,

then they're going to have to get, you know, I'm talking about the fucking, the hook jobs, right? The fucking escort services where girls pretend like they're not doing it,

but they're doing it. That's going to, that business is going to be gone because there's just going to be so many. Girls will fly to Dubai for fucking $20 and a fucking Kendrick Lamar cd you know um so yeah maybe it's a good thing dude maybe it's a good thing you know we'll lose a lot of characteristics and shit in in in the body

and face for for humans because guys will do it too but um yeah it'll be a it'll be a it'll be good because now we'll have to learn love people for who they are and fly them to dubai for not so much fucking money guys will be you know have more money what these girls got to realize that what they're doing is they're fucking it up for for all the girls individually they're making it good but as a whole they're ruining the marketplace for for all the girls individually they're making it good but as a whole they're ruining the marketplace for fucking hook jobs for that escort life right i don't know i'm just trying to fucking help i'm really just trying to help really trying to fucking help. Guys, I got a new clothing for you. 5-4. Looking good doesn't need to

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and they'll give you 50% of your first month's package plus a free pair of sunglasses. That's 50% off your first package at 5-4 Club, spelled F-I-V-E-F-O-U-R-C-L-U-B.com. If you don't know how to spell, go school. That's the promo code. I'm sorry. And then the promo code is congrats. Okay. So you got to go to 5-4club.com. Spell it out. F-I-V-E-F-O-U-R-C-L-U-B.com. Promo code congrats. All right? Now, that was three ads.

And I didn't do any in the beginning because I had three in the middle. Now, if any of you are thinking about, oh, you know what? I didn't like when he talked about 5-4. I didn't like when he talked about MeUndies. I didn't like when he talked about all-4. I didn't like when he talked about MeUndies. I didn't like when he talked about all the other ones because here's why. Because I'm selfish and I don't want to have to listen to ads because I want to just listen to this show. Now, what I want you to understand is I'm doing it. All right? understand is doing it all right you literally want free content and you don't want me to back up the fucking brinks truck gotta make money that's how it is if you you worked a nine to five, would you want to work it for free?

Would you want to not get paid that day? Nah. Hey, do you always want Brinks trucks to go forward? Because I don't. I'm trying to back up the fucking Brinks truck, dude. Fill my garage, babies. Also, I'm not doing it. I love what I do. I love stand-up. Would I do this podcast for free? Maybe eight times. Not 17, and this is the 17th time, my babies. So help me back up the Brinks truck. I should just do one with only ads and then be like, you're welcome.

You're welcome. These motherfuckers want some fucking crazy shit for free. You don't get shit free, babies. Unless, you know, you're like really fucking, you're a real real hot chick then you get a lot of free shit um so yeah i don't know as for today uh the rest of the day i'm chilling i'm having fun doing the movie i'm doing um i'm i'm having real a lot lot of fun. It's a drama, which is crazy. And it's coming out, uh, later on this year, I believe. Um, oh, I did ADR, which is a sound work for those of you that don't know what ADR is. You go in, so that you record your lines over, uh, for the movie or a TV show you did for this movie that I did coming out on Netflix called little evil. And it looks

really fucking funny. It's called little evil. It's with Adam Scott and Evangeline Lilly and then a bunch of other people are in it and I'm one of those people. It's funny. It's like a horror comedy and it's coming out on Netflix in the next few months. So be on the lookout for that called Little Evil. You can put it in your queue. And also Man on Fire is coming out soon

in like a month. So look up that. Put that in your queue. You can do that as well. Chris D'Elia, man on fire. And I'm going to look at some hashtags here. It's time for the congratulations pod hashtag. See who came to the system. Let's see who came to the system today, dude.

Congratulations pod. Let's see who came the system today, dude. Congratulations, Pod. Let's see who came the system, my babies. All right. How'd you meet your openers? How do you meet your openers? This is from Aaron, which is at its Miller time 07. Okay. If your last name is Miller, Aaron, then okay. But if your last name is not Miller, change it. How did you meet your opener? He was hilarious opening for you in North Carolina, gaming the system. Congratulations, Pod. You know, I meet my openers. She's talking about Mike Linoci, who is very funny.

I've met my – I have a few openers that I do sometimes. And Craig Conant, Jason Collings, Dean Del Rey. I meet them just doing the circuit in Los Angeles. And I – if I like the guy and if I like their work ethic, I'll bring them with me. And they got to be a good hang. Otherwise, I don't want to hang out with some fucking – with people I wouldn't hang out with. Because when you're in places like North Carolina, you don't want – and you have nothing to do and you don't know people there. You can only sit at a coffee shop alone for so long until you want to fucking make fun of somebody and that's how I get my opener.

So thanks, Aaron. Jordan is my name, atjor750. Not bad, not bad. Crystalia, are you friends with the Workaholics cast? Congratulations, Pod Gaming System. I suppose he's asking me that because I did an episode of Workaholics called The Catch Predator where I played Child Molester. Topher, the Child Molester. And, yeah, I am friends with the guys.

They're great. And they're awesome. I like them a lot. And they have a new movie called out called game over man coming out on Netflix and Adam hosted the MTV movie awards. I believe it was. Yeah. Movie awards.

And he killed it. The guy's fucking so funny. They're all, they're actually all so funny. They're, and they're great guys. Um, oh, here's a good question. Mario part to nope at BF5. I don't know. I need to know a little bit more about that name.

Otherwise, change it. What's your take on this CISO TV network featuring the work of comedians? Dude, I think any company that's putting out specials are awesome. Now, granted, there are so many specials nowadays. Like, I mean, fucking you do open mic for four minutes and you get a special. But it's good, man. The cream still fucking rises to the top. People see the good ones.

And I think there are some great ones on CISO. I know some great comedians that have done it on CISO. Dan Levy, Big Jay. You know, these fucking guys are funny. Uh, Brody Stevens has one that's coming out. Um, I actually think Brody came up to me the other day.

I love Brody. He's one of my favorite comedians to watch. And he was like, Hey man, I mentioned you twice on stage on my special. And I was like, okay, cool.

That's awesome. He's like, he's so paranoid about everything. He was like, cause we're friends. Brody and I are fucking good buddies. He was like, yeah,

well, I mean, you know, I just, I, I, I, I was saying how he was like, I, I gave you like a compliment, but I'm worried that people would think are fucking good buddies. He's like, yeah, well, I mean, you know, I just, I was saying how he was like, I gave

you like a compliment, but I'm worried that people would think I'm making fun of you. I was like, who fucking, who gives a shit? You are making fun of me. That's awesome. I love Brody. Always paranoid. So, anyway. By the way, when you send me pictures on congratulations pod hashtag, like, how am I supposed to do that?

Like, hey, what do you think of this? And then a picture of like a dog. I can't fucking. What am I going to describe it? Am I going to fucking do? Understand me? How am I supposed to do it? Let's go to the latest tweets.

This person just wrote, kiss me. Super weird. And the, what do you call it? Avatar is Benedict Cumberbatch with an elongated neck in Photoshop. So, no. I won't kiss Benedict Cumberbatch in an oar with a long neck. Hey, Katy Perry did, you know, everyone was actually people sometimes people don't have shit to talk about katie perry did the fucking thing on saturday night live and she sounded great and everyone was like making fun of her because she did some silly fucking moves who gives a

fuck it didn't look that weird to me maybe i'm just maybe i'm the weird one but everyone was like oh man how about all the memes and shit? Like when your white friend comes over and there's black people there and then she did the moves. Like whatever. She looked like a white girl doing the moves, but she's a fucking white girl. I don't know. Maybe she was trying to fucking hip hop it up and that was a little bit weird, but like she's fucking Katy Perry. I fucking think she's talented man i know i make fun of the the met gala dress she had on but she got some fucking pipes on her and she's a great

performer am i wrong about this and yeah it's pop music but there needs to be pop music she fucking kills pop music um i thought she was fucking good my buddy sent it it to me. He's like, look at this. It's crazy. And I was like, yeah, it's good. I don't know. I just like, I don't know. It looks like she fucking cares about it and wants to do it. So I like it. And she's got some fucking pizzipes, man.

How's that for fucking hip-hopping it up? I'll hip-hop it up all day long too. I don't give a shit. I'll hip-hop it in your fucking face. So, yeah. Um, by the way, I just did, I'm doing this podcast. I just did, I hit the gym and I came back naked as shit. I know I said I was naked last time I did the podcast and now I'm, now I don't even have underwear on straight up dick flopping out, just kicking it. I had a robe on, took it off. That's how fucking keeping it real I am doing this podcast. And I'm just in a hotel room, and it's a nice-as-shit hotel room. I'm very lucky, as DJ Khaled would say, bless up. And I'm just staring at a coffee maker that I've never used

because I like to go out and get coffee because I'm all about the coffee experience. And I'm around so many jeans right now because I bought a bunch of jeans. And I've got the 5'4 stuff that they sent me. Bless up, man. DJ Khaled. Another one. I look at my jeans and I've got the 5.4 stuff that they sent me. Bless up, man. DJ Khaled. Another one. I look at my jeans and I go like this. Another one.

And then I look at another one and I go, another one. And then I put it on and I go, another one. I don't really have, let's see, let's look at a few more gaming systems and then we'll be done. I love that you guys are listening to me, my babies. And I'm happy. Right? That sounded so insecure.

I'm happy, right? You can't say right in it. Oh, here's a good one. Oh, whoa. I don't know what the fuck this person's name is here but it's at at richie degraff and their other thing when you know this the name is like r asterisk asterisk hd asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk f asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk oh my god you can't say that twice uh he says he says at crystalia did the fact that you never drink ever make you feel Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. Oh, my God. I can't say that twice.

He says, at Crystalia, did the fact that you never drink ever make you feel socially awkward at any events, points in your life? Yes. I don't drink. I never have. And some people know that about me because I mention it every now and then. And I do that because it's me and I want people to know that. But, yeah, hell yeah, man. Fuck yeah.

I felt in my head during parties all the time. I used to until I did stand-up. And then when you bomb in front of fucking 350 people a few times, you don't give a shit about anything else. You literally have a superpower in situations like parties because you're like, oh, what? Somebody is going to think I'm not funny? Who gives a fuck? I've bombed in front of 400 people. I love how the number keeps getting higher and higher as I keep going.

I've bombed in front of 550 people. Who gives a shit? It doesn't matter to me. Oh, you're not going to laugh at me? At a party? Really? I've bombed in front of 4,000 people. No, I've never bombed in front of 4,000 people.

I would fucking take my life if I did that. Holy fuck. How fucking horrible would that be? Yeah, whatever. Fuck it. So, yeah, it used to make me feel. I remember I was at a party once. I was at a party once.

I broke up with a girl. I was like 22. This was before I did stand-up. I broke up with a girl and my buddy My best friend, Ryan Who I talk about in my new special coming out here Man on Fire, June 27th June 27th, only on Netflix He Brought me to a party and there was this girl there

I thought she was really cute and I literally was like How do I talk to this girl? And she was making jokes and stuff and I was like I made a cookie I got him, I made a cookie. I got him and I made that. And I was like, I literally just like tapped out. I was like, I can't do it.

And that has never happened ever since I do stand up because who gives a fuck what people think? Because I bombed in front of 150, seven good trillion aliens. So yeah, it definitely made it awkward. That was the time where I was like, oh, I want to, and I wouldn't like, oh, I want to drink, but oh, drinking would help.

And I don't, but I would purposely not do it because I was like, if I don't drink now, then the next time it'll be easier. If I don't drink now, then the next time it'll be easier to If I don't drink now, then the next time it'll be easier to not drink. I won't be as awkward. Just get through this shit.

Fucking grow up. I never really was curious about alcohol, though. I never really cared. You know? I never thought, like, oh, what's it like to be so drunk? By the way, you know this so insecure or so dumb or so drunk shit that i do the first time i ever did it was with my brother so long ago i was like 24 not the first time we ever did it but the first time it became a thing was one time we were

hanging out with uh a buddy of ours And he was so drunk and we went, S, drunk? And we did it. I was like, you know how you spell that? S apostrophe D-R-U-N-K. And we fucking laughed for a day, dude. And now it's definitely evolved a million times over. So, there you have it. That's pretty much what I got going, and that's all I got,

and my babies, you're great, so that's it, I think I'm going to go explore Toronto, Rana, I'm going to go explore Rana, I'm going to take a shower because I'm sweaty. I mean, because I worked out. Oops, said something wrong. Definitely, definitely trailing off here. But I got upcoming show dates at chrisdalia.com. Go over there. And I got new

I got that new emoji shirt, which is the artwork on my Congratulations podcast shit. You can get it at the store. Get it from congratulationspod.com or store.christalia.com. And it's a cool way to support my podcast. And it's a really good shirt. It's like high quality.

It's not that fucking shitty stuff. It's made in Los Angeles. I like to keep it real and make it like nice. I don't fucking – they're cool shirts. Get that motherfucker. Tweet at me at – I'm sorry um hashtag congratulations pod uh rate and review the show guys babies you got to help me out if you're a fucking true baby you got to go review the show and rate it on itunes google play and stitcher help a motherfucker out or you're not really a

true baby you're not in my cult you're not in the fucking baby cult and man on fire june 27th man on fire june 27th that's my special go put it in your queue right now you got a lot of call to act you got a lot of action to do right now and if you're a true fucking you know you true you true you're not true anyway chris chris talia up here in toronto fucking still looking for rude boys Boys and Tings, chilling real hard. Some days off, but also no days off. You know what I mean, how they hashtag it on Instagram? Just living life. And thank you for fucking listening to my show 17 times.

For those of you that have listened to every episode, tweet at me. I want to hear about that. I want to hear if you've listened to every episode. I will retweet you. Probably. Okay? Hit me up, babies. You guys are great.

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