Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 170. King James Jong Un Illest Rapper Alive

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Still staying at home! Today we talk about Trump talking about injecting disinfectants, Too Hot To Handle, Adele's divorce settlement, and JIMMBOs that are up to something. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up my babies It's episode 170 of Congratulations. Yeah. Hi, Bucks. What's up? Sensational. Well, I just wanted to see if the key map worked, and it does, dude. The key map works, and it's sensational.

It's episode 170. This is like the fifth episode or sixth or seventh episode of us in quarantine. Juanfire and Ivan Getridov, they are remote, and Juanfire is in the the car and that's why he's one fire and when i push my fucking headphones up i look like a fucking alfalfa because the shit's come up come up dude yeah anyway i was talking to my friend earlier and i think maybe we're both not balding so it's all good um anyway uh we we convinced ourselves each other that we both both not balding. So it's all good. Anyway, we convinced ourselves, each other, that we both aren't balding, and it's all good. So that's good, man. Isn't that funny when you do that with your friend,

when you're like, oh, man, you know, it's like, you got a pretty good head of hair, and what you mean is, like, what do you think about my hair? So we do that. So that's cool. We do that. But he's 10 years older than me. So hopefully, I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

And the person is not Brian Callen because he absolutely is going bald. So actually, he's probably not. He's like 53, and he's still good. I don't know, man. You know, we talk a lot of shit about him, but we love him. We love him, my babies. Got all my drinks over here off camera. Can't see him.

Got about four or five drinks. So that's really great. Love having drinks here at the congratulations studios. www.congratulationspodcast.com. Congratulationspod.com. I'm not sure if it's pod or podcast. Haven't been on the website for a while. But anyway, still kicking, dude.

Still frigging kicking. Still kicking, baby. Still frigging kicking. Still kicking, baby. Can't stop. I mean, we're not actually kicking, you know. I mean, people say they're kicking. I mean, we're still living, dude. Because, um, this quarantine can't stop us. And by us, I mean the people who it hasn't stopped yet.

Because some people, this coronavirus has absolutely stopped them. People have been on ventilators and people have been on bed rest for a long time. And that's very bad and that's very sad. And I feel bad for them. And I hope that this shit ends soon. I don't know if it will. Now they're saying it's created in a lab which makes it much scarier. Yes, dude.

Yes. They said it was from a bat out in the fucking Wuhan market or a snake or some shit or an eel. And now they're saying it was created in a lab which is much more scary. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yes saying it was created in a lab which is much more scary. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yes, it was created in a lab. So that means that humans made it and then fucking weren't responsible enough to keep it indoors.

Yes, dude. That's so great, man. Do we live in a James Bond movie? Yes, we do, dude. Is this Quantum Solace? Congratulations. Yes, it is dude quantum quantum solace congratulations oh no the virus got out of the doors now what do we do one man trying to stop

this virus oh no see if it fucking it went all over the place oh god damn it oh crikey it went all over the place ding ding ding ding ding at first they thought it was a bat oh for fuck's sake it's not a bat is it ding ding ding ding it's all right we're in the lab and it's fine and it's not getting out no matter what oh no ding ding ding ding ding the door's open crikey close it quick should be okay four days later thanks thanks dang this summer prepare to be quarantined dude when they do that when they do that shit prepare to be this summer prepare to be fucking prepared in um but anyway dude feel real bad for you guys that are that on your fucking horizontal if you're on your horizontal we feel bad for you if you're on your horizontal and you're not fucking if you're on your horizontal

and your dick ain't wet you got you got rona and we're sorry dude if you're horizontal and your dick ain't wet, sorry you got Rona. Dude, guess what? It's a nighttime podcast. We're firing on all syllables. That's the thing. You're either sleeping or your fucking cock's wet or you got that Rona. Anyway, dude. It's like, dude, this picture with Mike Pence where everyone's wearing the fucking mask and he's not wearing a mask. Hey, dude, put a mask on. You know, you're just going to piss everyone off.

You know, you're just going to piss everyone off. There's a guy in a fucking recliner in front of you wearing a mask. He's relaxing. So obviously it's not a big deal to wear a mask. Everyone else has a mask on. And this dude's like, I'm not gay. I hate gays. Put a mask on, dude. Put a fucking mask on. It's so ridiculous that he's not wearing a mask because he's the VP and he's the man.

Is that what it is, dude? You're the man. Dude, you're like 5'8". You five eight you know trump's tall though dude trump's a bunch of potatoes but he's tall he is fucking tall and mike pence couldn't look like fucking ken's dad from uh what's the fucking alice barbie whatever the fuck that girl's name is bar, Barbie and Ken, Alice Sad to touch Did you see that they made An amputee Barbie? Cool So anyway

You just get the regular Barbie and break the arm off But Dude, there should be a quarantine Barbie Barbie with the mask on Standing next to Mike Pence without the mask How much of a fucking dick can you be to not be wearing a mask With a room of fucking nine people on it to not be wearing a mask with a room with fucking nine people on it and one of the guys is in a recliner, dude?

Oh, hey, dude. The guy's got a recliner and he's chilling so hard with the mask. Just put it on, man. But, yeah, the coronavirus is no joke. And now fucking the text chain with Cummings and Rogan and fucking Swardson is just crazy, dude. They just keep sending stuff over, freaking me the fuck out. They're like, I'm not worried about it. And then all of a sudden, ding, ding, bing, new text, bing, bing.

And it's just a ship sank because of coronavirus. And we're like, we can't go on ships anymore. But yeah, dude, I love when I write stuff down in the podcast and it's one word and I have no fucking idea. But I love how I also love how. The. I love how the I don't know what that means. I love how the disinfectant thing that Trump said was just insane, dude. And now he's trying to act like it was sarcasm, which is the best.

Disinfectant. Trump. Dude, the guy's such a goofball. And he says, I was sarcastic. And he's just like, and it's just not sarcastic, dude. Dooth? Cool. It's so cool to say dooth.

Did you know that? Instead of dude. Now, this is one of those YouTube videos. Let's check this out. This is one of those YouTube videos that when I check it, I'll have it, and it won't have the fucking actual YouTube video. It'll have somebody talking about the YouTube video. Happy talk and spin. Pretend it was not happening.

And when none of that worked, and government who's this guy to protect us what's this guy's name again testing he turned his attention to find some magic pill he turned he couldn't look more like he sounds and that guy who the white house is scrambling to mitigate president trump's suggestion that injecting or consuming something that should not be as consumed or injected under any circumstances. Wow. Chris Hayes points out is a part of pattern which is a magic bullet to save him. And so Chris Hayes is the guy.

Chris Hayes looks like the guy who brings one piece of candy and eats it in front of the class. And everyone's like, is there any for anyone else? And he goes, and he secretly thinks that your mom, you know, your moms don't love you. But when Trump says the thing about the fucking... It would make the economy and the stock market come... I want to obviously see Trump saying this. I don't want to... ...ultraviolet or... ...dealing with...

Supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it's ultraviolet or just very powerful light, and I think you said that has been checked, but you're going to test it. And then I said, supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way. And I think you said you're going to test that too. That sounds interesting. And then think you said you're going to test that too. That sounds interesting.

And then I see the disinfectant. It knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that? Oh, she's not even answering. The lady with seven scarves isn't even answering. Injection inside or almost a cleaning. As you see, it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number in the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that. Oh, yeah, it would a tremendous number of lungs so it'd be interesting to check that oh yeah it'd be very interesting it would actually be very interesting

to check that it would be so fucking interesting to inject somebody with fucking lysol but you know what let's not do it because you can't do that because it's not medical supply and also injecting it it would be it goes on the lungs it was my favorite part it goes on the lungs first of all it would go in the lungs it goes on the lungs this my favorite part. It goes on the lungs. First of all, it would go in the lungs. It goes on the lungs. This guy's watched too many fucking Avenger movies. We just put an ultraviolet light. And yeah, I know.

I understand. I understand what he meant, dude. Okay. I understand about the ultraviolet light and all this shit. But guess what? I'm not a scientist. Also, that work. Okay.

Can't wait for the comments. Oh, dude, you should stop talking about politics. You obviously don't know what you're talking about. No shit. I don't know what I'm talking work. Okay. Can't wait for the comments. Oh, dude, you should stop talking about politics. You obviously don't know what you're talking about. No shit. I don't know what I'm talking about. Okay. But the thing is, I'm not president. I'm not a fucking sack of potatoes, dude.

Yeah. And the lady with fucking nine scarves. This lady is always looking like she just got twisted up in some curtains and it was like fuck but i'm late for the briefing and then ran and he's talking about how you can just inject the shit and like let me tell you something dude my uh what do you call it my uh radar for sarcasm my radar is pretty damn good you know i'm a i'm a i'm a comedian i literally almost said i'm a computer and if i did that i would have just left i would have left i would have drove out of my house and i would have you wouldn't have fucking seen me for a long long time all right because i would have just given up on life i would have cried i would have just listened to that

fucking funny faces shorven bases, larding vases. While I was driving. And this kid is kind of funny, fucking funny. Sad for some reason. I think the word funny is in that song so many times. But I would have been crying. Just mad world,

mad world. Well, if I said computer instead of comedian. Now, now, now boys, I'm a computer. Hey kid, I'm a computer. Like that fucking old G.I. Joe thing that went. Now, boys, I'm a computer. Hey, kid, I'm a computer.

Like that fucking old G.I. Joe thing that went viral. But anyway, I'm a comedian. I'm pretty good at understanding what a fucking goddamn sarcasm is. And also, hey, president, don't be sarcastic. Number one job shouldn't be sarcastic. Fireman. Number two, president. Okay?

Hey, get out. The building's burning oh my god really psych does it's the same thing if you're the fucking president inject lysol oh you were kidding well 18 people fucking died from doing it because you're the leader of the free world anyway uh shouldn't have done it why can't he just be like i don't know what i was talking about i didn't mean to say it that way i know how it came off oops why doesn't he just be like, I don't know what I was talking about. I didn't mean to say it that way. I know how it came off. Oops. Why doesn't he just do that? Why doesn't he just do that? Everyone would be like, oh, all right. Well, yeah, that was a goof. Whatever.

But he's like, well, it can't be wrong. So I was sarcastic. Fucking sarcastic, dude. Also, he didn't do the jerk off motion. You know, he should have done that if he was being sarcastic. Yeah, yeah, inject Lysol in off motion. You know, he should have done that if he was being sarcastic. Yeah, yeah. Inject Lysol in your veins. Or what?

Anyway. Biden got endorsed by Hillary Clinton, which is just like and he was just like, I'm with her. And he retweeted it. So, hey, Biden, you know, let's uh let's not do that because that'll definitely make sure that you don't um you don't uh you don't win you understand what i'm saying biden with that fucking tongue swoop that fucking that tongue swoop that fucking trump retweeted the jif the deep it's not a deep fake i don't think but the Biden, after he was talking about beef jerky, probably did that or some shit. Biden will bring up anything, dude.

Biden will bring up anything. Biden, what are you going to do with the economy? You ever put together a chair? Yeah, so he's just like, I'm'm with her and everyone goes like this oh you like hillary cool well then you don't believe in pizzagate you lost my vote um so yeah so so i don't know but that fucking thing was scary as shit and then people and then i sent it to the group text and nick swartz and said, is that real? And I go, okay, I can't, you know. No, it's not real because he looks like a fucking demon.

But, yeah, so he was, he retweeted that and people are like up in arms, dude. Labels are absolutely up in arms about this. Thinking that Trump used and weaponized a deepfake. that Trump used and weaponized a deepfake. You wouldn't think that the first person who weaponized a deepfake is the president of the United States of America. You'd imagine it would come from a P.O. box that was out of commission. But it comes from, I saw something that said, you'd think it would come from this place, but it came from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Yeah, dude, I understand people are real fucking dumb. I understand people are so, so stupid. Like you can't, you know,

that whole inciting a riot thing, but it's like, if you're real stupid and you think that a fucking, that, that Biden thing is real, you're the first to go, bro. You got to get on the front line and just get rat-tat-tatted up, dude. Fight for our country and get rat-tat-tatted up. So fucking Kim Jong-un or il, Kim, King, King, King Kong John Im. King Kong John Un. King Kong John Un. Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Un.

I don't know, dude. Okay? Fucking Kimmy Gibbler. I don't know. Kim, King, dude, King. King James Jong Un Il. King John, King, Kim Jong In the Bining, In the Bining. un ill king john king kim jong in the benin in the benin king james jong un in the benin ill died okay he's dead he just fucking was doing that north korean fucking march and just went a little bit too high and his fucking

groin split open. I don't know what happened. And his balls went rolling down the hill and he goes, oh shit. You ever see someone try to fucking run after balls going down a hill? That's the most bitch you can look. Dude, if balls rolled down a hill, guess what? Goodbye balls. Dude, I would never risk my life trying to go get balls fucking rolling down a hill. And one time when I was on rollerblades, I was, I was, dude, I would go fast on rollerblades. Rollerblades was my shit. The 90s, forget it, dude. I would fucking boom and I would fucking boom and I would kick back one while my fucking shit sliced. I would slice them up like this with my fucking hand and I'd slice it up on the other hand and my fucking right leg would go back when I sliced my left hand and my left leg would go back when I sliced my right hand bro

I was aero die the fuck namic okay ever since the benign gang and I fucking was doing this shit and I saw a big hill and I was like can you take it and I was like yep you know how everyone's two voices in your head if you say you're not you're a fucking piece of shit, dude. You go like this to yourself. Can I do it? Yup. If you ever think I can do it without somebody in your head asking you, can you do it? You're a fucking sociopath for real.

So I go like this. Can I do it? And then I go, yup. And then I hit that fucking hill. And I was always good at being arrow the fuck dynamic, but I was never good at stopping. People would do that T stop and I will be like, how do you do dude how do you do the t-stop without swerving do i would you do the t-stop then your fucking wheels are just perpendicular and then you just end up swinging and then you fall on your back and your head gets hit on the fucking gravel and i didn't wear a

helmet because i ain't no mark i didn't wear a helmet because i ain't no mark. I didn't wear a helmet because I ain't no bitch. This was fucking New Jersey, dude. You think I'm going to be fucking slicing and kicking back with a helmet on? Come on, man. Might as well be wearing shoulder pads and you know your boy got no shoulder pads. I mean, elbow pads, shoulder pads, fucking be an air of the fuck dynamic shoulder pad, just shoulder pads while you're fucking rollerblading anyway rollerblading is bullshit by the way you put on roller skates okay they figured it out in the however whatever decade it was and then in the 90s we were like what if we make it more difficult and what if we make it so people hurt themselves more fuck that dude. Anyway. So I went down that hill and bro, I was fast. And I thought,

oh shit, I want, I'm too fast. Now I'm at the point where I'm too fast. I can't stop. I'm going to have to throw my body into something. So I was looking at car parked cars. I was looking at other, you know, trash cans. I was like, maybe that, maybe that, no. And it was just getting faster. It would start, you know, and I would see things go by. Oh, fuck. I should have hit that one because now I'm just getting faster. So I was like, I'm just going to jump on the grass. And in New Jersey, they got the sidewalks. And I jumped off the gravel and onto the fucking first patch of grass because there was always the first patch of grass.

And then there was the sidewalk and then the person's yard i jumped off on that first patch of grass and i was going to do a hop over the fucking sidewalk from the first patch of grass into somebody's yard and i had it all planned out my head and as we know things don't always go to nor go to go as planned so what i did was i jumped off on the hit the first parts of the first part of the patch of the grass and then fucking just fell down so hard and skinned my knees and it had a fucking skin flap over my knees. Because of the sidewalk, I got scraped on it, and it's all good. But I'm fine, and that's my point, dude. I'm never, ever running after a ball running down a fucking hill.

But my point is, King James in the Benin King, Kim Jong Un, illest fucking rapper alive, is dead, okay? So, and I don't know why but he had surgery and dude they got to kill the guy they got to kill the surgeon there is zero choice as a matter of fact it should just be an honorable thing that you do for your country is legit work on the leader king jong--il, Kim Jong-un's, and then fucking you prepare to die. Whether you fix him or not, you go like this.

Thank you for your service. And then you just go, and then you go, and then you in slow motion. And it's kind of funny, fucking in your friends, mad world. And his tears were even shooting out of his eyes in slow motion mad world and then they go like this fuck it let's go in the meantime make sure there's no internet still um oh shit and uh so yeah that's it dude uh you don't you do not uh you do not fucking work on king kim jong-il kim jong-un without getting fucking killed so it doesn't matter it's for a nose job or a heart transplant that's it i wish it was just for a nose job if kim jong-un was going in for a fucking nose job

and the guy just goes like this okay here we go scalpel please mad world mad world get the other guy in here two ladies dead oh all right well we gotta fucking use his sister now do you see her sister dude her sister that one pic of her just like this dude at least kim jong-un looked like a fucking like a kid that would uh just like run away with the ball you know literally and i'm you know he would look he would chase after the ball down the street and also run after the ball and he'd be like come on dude and he had the ball like fucking kim jong-un kim had the ball we can't fucking use it and uh it's his ball you know no matter what we say we don't have a ball and it's his ball but yeah so the guy that nerd dude how nervous would you be if you were kim

jung-un's fucking surgeon how nervous would you be if you were kim jong-un's surgeon just okay um one time i went into a fucking boot place i wanted to buy boots i was like 22 i was with my friend brandon and this and this and this indian guy uh was uh was was a salesman and he was so nervous and brandon and i couldn't stop laughing it was like one of those fucking high school things actually no i was in high school fuck this 21 year old bullshit and he and i was like hey um do you have these boots and he was like one of those fucking high school things. Actually, no, I was in high school. Fuck this 21-year-old bullshit. And I was like, hey, do you have these boots? And he was like, actually, let me look. And he was so nervous.

It was like somebody was there with a gun to his head or a gun in the thing. And we're like, yo, when these kids come in, don't fuck with us, man. We will kill you. Don't mention we're here. So we came in and the guy was like, let me see. And he would go to the back and be like, actually, we do not have those. We do not have those. Style do not have those style in. We don't have your size.

And then everything I asked, he would be like, actually, we used to have them. You would say, dude. And every time I think of someone really nervous in a situation, I think of that guy. Goddamn. So that guy. I imagine that guy as Kim Jong-un's surgeon. Just like, okay, we're here. He needs to have a fucking you know some stuff done but actually um okay uh we used to have those instruments but we don't have those now um but let me see in the back and it goes in the back what do we have we need to

have something like that just just use a butter knife okay i mean i will okay we come out. We have this. Yes. We can do this. And then just touching it. Oh, boy. No, please don't. I used to be alive. I actually used to be alive, but I'm dead now. I'm on my way to dying. So anyway, how nervous would you be if you were a fucking Kim Jong-un's

surgeon? Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. Was that the main guy that always worked on my... How stressful. First of all, if that was the guy that always used... Is Kim Jong-un's surgeon... I mean, I don't know how many surgeries he had. Yeah, he didn't have fucking Lyme suction. But, um... Nah, nah, nah, because he's fat in the face.

So, um... Nah, nah, nah, nah, because he's top. But I guess it doesn't matter, though, dude. If I was a leader of a whole fucking country, but um no no no because you're fat in the face so um no no no because you're tough uh but uh i guess it doesn't matter though dude if i was a leader of a whole fucking country you know how fat i would be bro i swear to god i would be so fat and only wear a shirt and a short one fuck that long shirt over the dick short shirt a medium size and i'm fat and my dick and balls are out you can't even see them anymore it doesn't matter because my fat's coming up and I would just get sucked every day. By the way, would have a wife and she'd be cool with it because I have billions and billions of dollars and people that would literally kill themselves for me. I got to get there. I got to get there. I got to get a country. I got to get a fucking country. Fuck this cult podcast. No cult country. Ding, ding,

ding. Survey says country. That's what I got to be. A fucking country owner. I need to be a fucking country owner. Fat as shit. Why is anybody getting surgery? It doesn't matter. I got to do these ads. But still, I got to get a country.

And if it was a new surgeon, wow. If it was a new surgeon, oh it was a new surgeon oh my god you know what i mean be like you're the next surgeon for if king jung-un okay well he's probably gonna need it and then like you know what he needs to have surgery and oh for fuck's sake all right well jesus christ man it was nice knowing you here i go i gotta go work on fucking king james john the illest rapper alive in the meaning game gail uh all right dude let's get these fucking whether it's the weekend the beginning of summer or the end of the school year celebration cookies celebrate good times Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year,

Celebration Cookies. Celebrate good times. Ads, you know what I mean? Dude, one time my brother fucking meant to text me and my friends about jizzing and texted my dad by mistake. Ugh. He wrote, love jizzing or something as a joke. And my dad, and it was to me and my dad. Dude.

He wrote, and I was, and then I was like, oh, what was it again? Because I knew it was a nasty thing and my brothers. And I was like, Matt, what was the thing again that you mistakenly texted to the family to to the family and he was like dude it wasn't the family was just to you and dad thank god imagine if i texted the mom but it was something about jizzing and i went oh for nine days anyway dude i should call him but i'm not fuck it because i. Fuck it. Cause I don't want to call, I don't want to call, call him. Uh,

cause you never know. What if he's doing that fucking, you know what I mean? What if he's doing the horizontal model? What is he laying harm? Let it, what if he's, what if he's laying horizontal and not,

not because he's on a ventilator, you know what I'm talking about? You know, I'm talking about sex. Um, yeah. So that's hilarious. Have you ever mistakenly,ly oh dude send them to me

actually I haven't been looking at stuff online lately because I feel better doing it dude god the fucking simps writing you know it's just like who did you know nope but yeah so you could just use disinfectant Did you know? Nope. But yeah, so.

You could just use disinfectant. Worst Trump impression of all time. It's okay. If you watch my Netflix special, I really appreciate it. No pain. Check it out. Need to watch that. If you haven't watched it, please watch it.

It's doing really well. Thank you. I really appreciate you listening and watching it. Another thing I checked out on netflix because i was with my girl and i was like should we watch this and she goes fuck yeah it was called too hot to handle and you know you know you actually know okay it's with chicks that are fucking apparently so hot but not that hot and they're like you know the chicks are hot i'm not gonna be the guy that's like you know dude i love it when people guys are just like she's actually not that hot and you're like who and they're like giselle

bunch of gin and you're like okay well she's the hottest girl in the world and you're like nah bro she's not that hot who j-lo okay man you know she's not that hot who fucking margot robbie all right okay man all right dude like you wouldn't fucking bust australia in your pants. Um, if you saw her walking down the street, uh, dude, Margot Robbie's so hot.

If I saw her walking on the street, I just go like this. No. And keep walking. You ever see a girl so hot that you just go like this? Ah, for fuck. You want to,

in your head, you just go, ah, fuck this shit. And just keep walking. Just her fucking Jimbo's are just fucking boink, doink, just going, dude, fucking fucking you ever see the girl with the jimbos that just when they when they when she goes and and hits the downbeat they fucking move up are you kidding me dude when a girl hits the downbeat and the and the fucking jimbo simultaneously move up like there's some notes oh they fucking jimbo simultaneously

move up like they're the fucking some hot some high seas get out of here and i didn't even talk about liquid i'm talking about ah dude when girls get those fucking jimbos that simultaneously look up like that like some eyeballs that are up to something forget it dude i want to go like this get out of town hop in a car and drive away through the wind dude it makes me so mad when i see a fucking hot girl i just especially if it's hot outside i just go off all right okay okay okay take me to jail bitch i just want to say some crazy shit fucking fuck it's so annoying when i see a hot chick they're just out you know they're not you know sometimes they're not doing

shit they're just chilling walking around dude, girls love getting shit done. You ever see a girl walking around with, like, a folder? Forget it. Move out the fucking way. She'll run you over. Sorry, I just need to, I need to, I have to. Yeah, all right. Okay, dude, whatever, dude.

You got those high C's, man. You got them jimbos that look like they're up to something. Anyway, dude. What was I even fucking cock-sucking talking about? What was I talking about? I got zero clue. I have zero fucking clue.

Jizz? My brother texting jizzing? I don't know, man. Who cares, dude? Anyway, when I see hot chicks, I get mad, man. Who cares, dude? Anyway, when I see hot chicks, I get mad, dude. I need to, you know. One time I was walking by a hot chick and I turned around to check her out.

I was in Sacramento, I think, and some girl goes, some girl walks after her, not her friend. And she says, oh, my God, really? And I go, yeah. yeah don't fucking you know what i mean that's my midbrain it's not like i'm i'm going dude he's fucking it's like you know what's bill burr's line where he's like yeah i'm not a feminist he's like but i can still support them it's like i could i could i'm fucking up the joke and you listen to it i don't even want to you watch his shit he's great um uh but yeah dude i i got i speaking of feminist dude this kind of shit was funny i thought uh i didn't know about this my buddy clued me into it mark the irish guy who always has too many drinks

uh adele had a divorce this is some gangster shit adele's a gangster okay i love adele because she could sing and uh oh i was talking about hot chicks and shit was i talking about i don't remember whatever anyway adele had a divorce and gave her a husband just three like three-fourths of her money and that dude i think his name's simon of course it is dude if you were going to pick a name for a guy who was going to take a girl's money and be cool with it his name would be simon the only guys named simon are guys who could do that or fucking scientists that like can cure cancer but instead use their powers for evil? But so this guy took $140 million out of her, $190 million. And that is so fucking – look at this.

Did Adele really pay three-quarters of her net worth to her ex-husband in divorce settlement? You know, don't come to me for facts. This is either true or not true. And I'm going to say it's true. And now we're going to make fun of it. But yeah, judge reportedly rules for Adele to pay her ex-husband of three years over $140 million in nasty divorce settlement. Dude, three years. Look at this guy cheesing next door.

The guy just looks like some fucking... He looks like a guy that would be on the Joe Rogan podcast once and never again. And this is on theblemish.com, which is highly reputable, obviously, because it's called The Blemish. Adele recently finalized a divorce settlement with ex-husband Simon Konecki. That's the fucking asshole guy from Greece, Konecki.

Go, Greece Lightning, you're never going to fucking roll. Greece Lightning, go, Greece Lightning. I mispronounce so much shit on this podcast, it's unbelievable. It's a foreign language. I mispronounced so much shit on this podcast, it's unbelievable. It's a foreign language. The settlement is sealed, and they're not talking about what was in it, but we don't actually know.

But it says the rumor is that she paid $140 million on her $194 million fortune to her ex. Seems to be based on reports that $140 million settlement. Look at these fucking things. These are tweets. I hope Adele kills her husband and keeps her net worth that man didn't write any of those songs dude this is probably from the same type of girl that fucking you know thinks if i if if if brian callan divorced his wife that she uh she she she's supposed to make half of his money which is 20 grand it's a matter of what um and then some other lady said if i was adele i would do something ridiculous like go gamble

and purposely lose all my money so my ex-husband can't have it not how it works okay still gotta pay it hopefully that person's 12 maybe it is because her fucking twitter is at slutty cow 666 okay cool change it dude what's wrong with people slutty cow 666 so disgraceful and also mentioning the devil. And then this shit is the best. This is even better to me. That man helped build Adele into whatever star she is today. Let's not just say things because we have a mouth, ma'am.

Like the guy who is so angry at getting fucked, at guys getting fucked by having to pay half. I don't know what I feel about this shit. I mean, no, I do actually know what I feel about this. I mean, no, I do actually know what I feel about this shit. If I was married to Adele for three years and she wanted a divorce, if she came up, look at this guy wrote, King secured his bag.

All we can do is stand. Dude, don't use two fucking dumb shit slangs in one thing. Like King and secured his bag and Stan. That's three. This guy is such a fucking product, you know? All we can do is Stan. Dude, if I'm married to Adele and she's just like, I want a divorce.

And I'm just like, okay, how much are you going to give me? Nothing. I'll just go like this. All right, dude, just make sure I got a flat screen and a couch. I'm good. I'll go, I'll try to write a book. You're going to make me not. You don't want me to write a book or not?

You don't want me to write a book? No, I would prefer if you don't. All right. I won't do it. I just let me because you know what's awesome? Being taken is cool. Having a family is amazing. It's beautiful.

It's fulfilling. But you know what's the shit? Not having to do anything you don't want to do whenever you fucking don't want to do it. Walking around the street. Where are you? Oh, fuck. Can you pick up? All right.

Any of that bullshit? It doesn't matter how free I am. And I'm free, dude. I'm free. I got my family. But I'm free. I got it good. My fucking kid can't even talk. And my girls always do whatever, you know, sometimes her smile's cracking when she says it,

but still, yeah, no, go. But I got it good. Okay. But nothing is better than just getting the fuck out and just walking around and not having a, and just, oh, lovely, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day. Oh, it's my ex. Well, bitch, I happen to be at coffee bean right now. You want me to pick up what? A head of lettuce. Well, instead of that, I'll just sip this fucking iced Americano. And when I'm done with it, I'll sip another one. And when I'm done with that, I don't know what I will be doing, but I know what I won't be doing. Getting a cock-sucking head of lettuce.

be doing, but I know what I won't be doing. Getting a cock-sucking head of lettuce. Dude, any guy that should... Fuck that dude for taking this money. 140 mil? By the way, just give me one mil, maybe. Or, guess what? Give me nothing. I'll go get a job at fucking Crate and Barrel and

rake it in, dude. I'll be selling pots like it's... you know? This girl writes, some women are saying if Adeele's husband has any shame he'll ask them to cut the settlement in half what that's a fucking a hundred million dollars still please let my king secure his bag another one with this shit securing the bag is so annoying dude dude i secured the bag hey man just so you know i secured the back who made that popular what's his name dj khaled and then there's khalid there's always that shit that happens

the artist and then there's another artist that's always like the same sounds the same shit i mean rappers don't even go fuck it's like lil wayne lil zane little little chain little fucking two chains, three chains. Big Mike, big Dyke, big Fike, big Like. Cool, did a slur in there. Going to get canceled. Anyway, cool for Adele being a gangster, dude. And just being like, Sean, just tie 140 million.

All right. Got to do these second ads. Did I X out of it? Yes. Not going to do the ads yet. Yeah, not going to do the ads yet. Oh, I got to talk about too hot to handle. That's what the fuck I was talking about.

Fuck yeah. I got to finish this before i do the ads or i could do it afterwards i'll do it afterwards let me do these ads dude or as they say on the fucking one of those power 106 gotta pay some bills or is that fucking 102.7 who cares doesn't matter am i fucking vamping for shit duh meh Because I can't find the email again. Got it right here, dude. Episode 170 of fucking congratulations. Dude, you know what, man? I worked out my back

yesterday. Killed it. Did fucking 35 pound chin-ups. And I didn't do the bitch ones. I did the fucking overhanded ones. Dude, I got a wide body, okay? Because of that. Thank you very much if you think I have a wide body. Okay. Because of that. Thank you very much. If you think I have a wide body and I did fucking all sorts of other back exercises. And before that I did legs, I did

split squats and I use my Audi fucking wheel to keep my leg propped up and my legs still burn. Now today is chest day. Did I do it? No. Am I going to do it after this podcast? No. I'll do it tomorrow, okay, even though I told my friend I'd go on a hike with him. Now I won't because I'll just do chest day. And are my abs going away slightly? Yes, because I don't fucking work out as hard as I did when I had the trainer, but I'm still keeping it real, babies.

I still see Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger fucking on my back that's where they shot that vast terrain man so too hot to handle I saw this show too hot to handle on Netflix you know supposedly these hot chicks and these hot dudes and I don't look some of the girls are hot. I'm not going to fucking lie, okay? Actually, hot's the good word for it. Maybe one or two would maybe be classified as beautiful. But hot, okay.

There's one girl that I could see myself maybe chilling with. Sex, the horizontal mambo, sure, maybe a few of them. Actually chilling with one of them, maybe one of them. There's like two or three dudes that are okay, cool, kind of handsome. But some of these dudes are just fucking donkeys. They just, like, look not that good, and they're just fucking dumb as shit. And I'm watching Too Hot to Handle. I saw about three episodes, and that's totally the type of show that I would watch.

However many episodes I watched in the first sitting is however many episodes I'm going to watch. I'm never going back to this show, but I got three episodes in and here's the thing. These hot people come to an Island and it's awesome. And they're all sexually promiscuous people and 12 hours into it, which I don't know why they waited 12 hours into it. This Alexa type fucking thing that looks like an air freshener is just like you win a hundred thousand dollars if you don't have sex with each other for a month and you can't that's a pot of money if you guys don't fuck if you don't kiss if you don't pet heavily you won't lose any money if you do any of this stuff you lose some some of the money. And what happens is if you kiss, you lose this amount of money. If you, you also can't masturbate at all. Okay. You can't

masturbate. If you masturbate, you get docked money too. Now what happens is that all money that comes from the pot. I thought originally everyone gets a hundred thousand dollars. And then if they fuck up, they lose the money. I thought that was good enough. But when you lose $100,000, when you have $100,000 as 10 people, that means you have $10,000. And if somebody kisses somebody else, if you fucking open the mouth and you put that fucking tongue in there, you lose $3,000 of the total sum of the money. So that means that everyone gets docked a few hundred dollars if somebody fucking kisses. So that means if you kiss, you're a genuine selfish asshole.

All right? Now, that being said, I'd have fucked everybody by fucking day four. And the dudes too because not because I'm gay because dude I'm on an island and this boner's finding someone

I swear to god dude if I'm on an island I'm always the most activated when I get out of some water. If I get out of the shower, get out of the pool, dude, I give it 30 minutes until my shit just... I don't know why, but it's like the roadrunner arriving somewhere. That's my shit, and my balls are like, what the fuck? How'd we get here so quick?

When I get out of the pool, forget it, dude. I don't know what it is. I think it's because my dick is overcompensated. Because when you get in the pool, your dick gets smaller and your balls get smaller. Because it gets fucking, because of what they call shrinkage. I don't like that term. But then when you fucking get out afterwards, my dick's like, we ain't having none of that. Bre-ka-ka-ka-ka.

And, um. So, yeah. But I would be fucking everybody. All the money money out the window i don't give a fuck but i thought the funniest thing would be because here's what happens when it when you kiss the first people i saw like three episodes and somebody kissed in like the second episode or first episode and then the next episode is like, well, somebody broke the rules. The fucking whatever they call it. The lady that looks like an air freshener, the Alexa type girl is like, somebody broke the rules.

You get they kissed you, Doc. Three thousand. They were like, who did it? And then the guy's like, all right, dude, I'm going to come clean. I feel bad. Really sorry. But I kissed and she did it to me. And the girl, the hot chick was like what you

kissed me and he did it was his fault but that bitch ass was trying to act like it was her fault that's not a man bro i'm sorry i would have been like dude i'm sorry i docked everyone three grand i'll fucking reimburse everybody but look at that girl right there you're telling me come on dude look at her she made me go brekka kakak she made my shit arrive like the roadrunner and then you'd be like all right dude i get it fine you're gonna reimburse us cool fuck that you know what i would actually do i wouldn't fuck anybody i'm sure if you fuck you get docked like five grand kissing is three grand i don't know how much you get docked for masturbating but dude how funny would it be if there was like a chronic

masturbator there and he couldn't help it he didn't know that he couldn't do it until he got there because they don't drop the rules on you until you get there and they'd be like so somebody broke the rules at the end of the day and the guy was and they were like somebody masturbated 12 times today and they were just like oh fuck what you. What? You are docked. 11 grand. And they're like, who fucking jerked? Everyone jerked off? They'd be like, everyone jerked off? And be like, who jerked off? And be like, I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. And then it'd be just one nervous guy with like a red face and a shriveled up dick. Just like, I don't know. Maybe it was me. I don't know. You know, I jerked off a few times. How many? And he just asked the Alexa girl, oh, 12.

And he was just like, I sorry dude i try i didn't know you weren't supposed to do this they should have done their research man i have a fucking chronic masturbation every day just jerking off 12 times a day i can't help it i'm sorry they wouldn't leave you alone to tie your fucking hands behind your back let me get to my fucking dick let me get to my fucking dick goddamn Let me get to my fucking dick. Goddamn, fuck this Alexa girl. I need to spurt. These sartitties went up on the downbeat.

I'm gonna fucking drink this cock off. You're losing us money. It's like the worst Guy Ritchie movie of all time. He's losing us money. Yeah, but he keeps getting boners he keeps getting boners what would they well we could cut his dick off i've got a better idea let's tie his hands behind his back and throw him in the ocean there's like macgyver he's got his fucking his hands are tied behind his back but he's using a fucking sharp bamboo stick to try and cut it so he can just jerk his cock off money just fucking going down as the

superimposed the money just over as over his dick he's jerking his dick off and over it is superimposed graph of money just dwindling like it's a fucking he's just jerking off so hard and the fucking over and over it just different shots of his dick just um just keeps going that's it just like this like um wow dude that's hilarious and on this island they've got a chronic masturbate why didn't they not they should have brought the chronic match and they enter three episodes in here comes the chronic masturb. We'll see if they can get this guy to stop jerking it.

And fucking just enter chicks with just beautiful booby lubies. God, I think of a new word for boobs, man. I'm not saying tits. I don't want to say boobs. What am I, 14? Breasts. Then you're just like a creep. I really like her breasts.

I really like her breasts I have a buddy that keeps fucking you know girls like loves to see celebrities nude and it's just like so weird and he's just like I've seen all

any time a girl's ever like I don't know who who fucking has done nude scenes or not but if i need to know i can ask my buddy like if i'm like i happen to know hally berry went nude in swordfish because when that movie came out i remember they would give her an actual like however many millions of dollars to show her fucking booby lubies and um my buddy knows all about that shit if i'm like hey uh what's her name you know has fucking uh angie harman ever showed her her boobs you'd be like yeah actually she showed her boobs in um one episode of uh of uh red shoe diaries on hbo in 1993 dude i used to watch in fuck i used to watch red shoe diaries and just

welcome and what was the other one we'll go on hbo was red shoe diaries and the other one and the other one went welcome to love now and maintenance and now it was like love not love line but like love street that's what it was oh he remembers dude red. Red Sea Diaries and Love Street was fucking Sports City for a 15-year-old. Welcome to Love Street. Let's take a ride. I think that's what it was, dude. Oh, man. Love Street.

Street. I think it was that. HBO. Love Street. Yup, dude. Love Street. Yup, dude. Love Street, HBO. Oh, was this a documentary one? Was this it?

Love Street. Let me try and get this here. Can you find it? Love Street. I think it is. No, it's not Love Street street it's not coming up but it said it was though when i looked on love street imdb video this is it yeah love street here it is compilation of three stories from love street erotic anthology series they are trick-or-tetia's Wish, and Most Pleasurable Death.

Ew. How about fucking the Emmanuelle series? I used to watch that shit too when it was on HBO. It was like the same chick, I think. She was just on Emmanuelle. It was like Emmanuelle goes to Paris, Emmanuelle does this, Emmanuelle...

It was basically like the Ernest movies, only she showed her titties and it was about splurting. Hey Vern, I'm gonna see some tits today. today worst fucking impression of that guy ever but um loves hi verne dude that shit even as a kid that shit pissed me off i was like why is he so close to the camera dude back up motherfucker that guy died when he was like 50 um of course that guy died when he was 50. You know what I mean? That guy. I've earned.

Earned his P. Worrell. Love Street theme song. I can't find it. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, too hot. To handle. Anyway, I saw this shit I used to splurt to the love street

yeah it doesn't they don't have it god damn HBO they don't have it oh well welcome to love street and we'll take a ride oh yeah my buddy who who fucking loves to see celebrities titties dude dude he used to have

this watch that would take pictures of waitresses when they came by. Oh. Ugh. Dude, they were black and white. Wait for it when the technology is good enough um dude it looked like a fucking etch-a-sketch you'd be like look see and i'm like oh god guy wait for the technology to get better dude you i'd be like stop taking pictures of waitresses man it's so fucking pervy man and you'd be like what it doesn't matter it's not like they're nude

little did i know everyone's a fucking voyeur now with their goddamn iphone god back then it seemed like such a fucking weird thing to do just take pictures of people anyway he fucking did it and he has like pictures of fucking celebs with their fucking tits on his like hard drive or some shit i'm just like what are you doing bro just google exists anybody who saves any fucking picture that's already on the internet is weird as fuck, dude. It's already there. Welcome to love street and let's take a ride, dude. I, I never like busted too much, like a lot until I got RLS. I want people to know about this man.

Restless leg syndrome. I have this shit and it fucking sucks, man. It feels like there's a small jolt of electricity coursing through my legs. Only when I'm trying to sleep. If I'm falling asleep at 3 PM on the couch, I can go right out. The second is time for bed at 12 o'clock whatever the fuck whenever i go to bed i stay up late because i'm a fucking badass but i go to bed and when i do that it fucking always my legs start

activating it's like i want to fucking it's like i want to dance but it's not time for dancing it's time for sleepies. And I can't get to sleep. I try NyQuil. I try fucking melatonin. Sure, it all works kind of. But then what really happens is I'm just extra tired and there's still the jolt of electricity in my legs. So it's still hard to fall asleep.

And I'm talking about sometimes three hours it takes to fall asleep. One time it took four hours to go to sleep. And melatonin and NyQuil, they don't really work that much when you fucking got the rls because that's just like you know spraying lice all over his shit you still smell the shit but also you smell the terrible fucking bullshit lysol at a loss one day i fucking masturbated and i don't like talking about this shit because i'm a real man dude i'm a very you know i'm you know i'm a gentleman and you know i don't like talking about this shit because I'm a real man, dude. I'm a very, you know, I'm a gentleman. And you know I don't like talking about raunchy stuff, right? You know, I like to keep it clean.

I don't like to talk about busting. I don't like to talk about, you know, diarrhea stuff. I like to keep it classy is what I'm trying to say. I'm a gentleman. So I tried squirting. guess what dude not only did i fall asleep i fell right to sleep i was like what do i do all right fuck it at a loss i'll fucking squirt and i squirted and right afterwards dude right afterwards so whenever i got rls it's time to fucking do it. It's time to do that. Dude, bro, I'm 40.

I don't even want to jerk off sometimes. I'm just like, no, I don't want to do this shit. I'm like, all right, cool. I'll fucking do it. Fuck it. And then I do it. And then I always conk out immediately. So if you have restless leg syndrome, try that for real.

And then it took me months to look it up. I thought I had thought i had like a secret i'm just like the secret guy jerking off i'd lose so much money on too hot to handle because i'd just be like i would do i gotta fall asleep i got restless syndrome can i get a doctor's note and can we not lose money because i have to masturbate because i have to fall asleep it's a beautiful island and i want to get my beauty rest so i can go into the fucking ocean tomorrow and um so yeah i need a doctor's note for too hot to handle. So I got that RLS. So when I fucking squirt it, though, I fall out. I fall asleep immediately.

And so if you have RLS, do that, man. It works. And I looked it up to see if other people were like, because I thought it was sneaky. I told you. And it turns out that it was in an article of Cosmopolitan in 2011. And I'm not alone. So it releases dopamine when you fucking squirt off. And dopamine can help RLS.

So fuck it. When I combo it with the melatonin and squirt, then, dude, forget it. I'm Van Wrinkle in this bitch. I'll wake up at fucking noon the next day. Melatonin under the tongue. Swallow it 30 seconds later somebody told me to do that doesn't probably work i should just swallow it fucking take nyquil and squirt off dude dearly beloved i'll fucking sleep so hard i'll die dude

i'll fucking take the melatonin sip the nyquil and squirt off and all of a sudden i'll see those four fucking guys from Zimbabwe with that coffin, and I'm in it, dude. I can't rap, rap, rap. I can't hum that. There's a few songs you can't hum. There's a few songs you can't hum. And it's that song, the coffin meme song.

What is the fucking coffin meme? How's it go? I can't play it because it'll fucking flag me. Coffin theme. We'll probably just take it off. By Astronomia. Astronomia. Too many syllables, dude.

Astronomia. Fucking, what's his name? Kim Jong-il Unying? The guy's playing it. He's playing it. Oh, yeah. This is made by GarageBand,

so I can probably play it. Okay. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, Okay, I guess I can do it. But one song you can't hum no matter what, try it. I challenge you, babies. Send me videos.

Uh, fucking 50 Cent, uh, uh, what's that bitch song? Is it the bitch song, 20 Questions? Is it the 20 Questions song? Why did I's that bitch song? Is it the bitch song? 20 questions? Is it the 20 question song? Why did I say the bitch song? 50 Cent. Is that the beginning of it? Is that it?

Is that it? It's not that. What the fuck song is it? 21 questions. I wrote 20 questions. 40, you know? Is it that? You know that song.

We used to do it. I know what you heard about me. What's that one? You can to do it. I know what you heard about me. What's that one? You can't do... What? Oh, P-I-M-P. That's what it is. Can't fucking hum this song.

We're getting there. That fucking... Why can't you do that sounds so bad dude uh anyway dude oh my god this first comment under it if you listen to this in 2020 you have awesome musical taste. What a frigging dork.

What a frigging dork. All right, I'm out. You guys are great. Thanks for listening. Remember, hit them frigging... I got to start saying frigging more. That's really cool. I'm going to start saying frigging more. God, that's fucking cool.

start saying frigging more that's really cool i'm gonna start saying frigging more god that's fucking cool um and um you can text me at 818-239-7087 turn on no pain man tell a friend tell him to watch your boy do some stand-up watch man on fire watching cordial you watch them all uh live show dates are obviously continuously changing trust me i want to get out there more than you want to fucking see me do it i want to make them i want I want to, as they say on Twitter, secure that bag, man. I'm trying to secure fucking Florida bags, Atlantic City bags, and all these bags, Vegas bags, man. But you know how it is. All right, dude. I'm trying here.

I'm going to get out there. And I have some announcements, too, that will happen eventually. I don't know when, but working on some deals to get some more content out to you guys, and it's awesome. But you guys are great. Thank you so much for listening, and be safe out there, and don't go out unless you need to. Just get rid of this fucking pandemic. It's so brutal.

And my heart goes out to people who have gone through that, and who have lost loved ones. It really does. So thank you guys. And don't put disinfectant inside your fucking body. Chris D'Elia and I'm out. So would I just hit the red button or what?