Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 174. It's Different Now

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

Chris is 15 and we're alive at night! Today we talk about In-N-Out Burger, COVID commercials, the National Geographic + Vans collab, Jimmy Fallon, wearing masks, 90 Day Fiancé, Big Ed, and having a light that you don't know how to turn off. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Whether it's the weekend, the beginning of summer, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. What's up, my babies? It's episode 174 of Congratulations. Celebrate good times. what i tell you dude what did i fucking tell you man it's different now it's fucking different now man i let everybody know it i texted all my friends it's fucking different dude it is different all right i got the fucking banging podcast i got the special that came out it's different now and i said i told fucking steve trevino i told a bunch of fucking comedians i told eric griffin when the shit pops when the shit really pops is when it's different and i'm

fucking dressing differently man i'm dressing differently i went out to get a fucking coffee today and somebody said oh my god i'm sorry i have to stop you i think you know i love your podcast i love your stand-up and i thought that's the final straw dude i'm i'm getting my fucking chicago hope 90s fucking denim jacket and i'm not wearing a fucking shirt anymore and i'm putting on these glasses that are like tint blue green kind of and i have a chain on because i'm dmx and it's fucking different dude and i've said it's different and it's different and after that fucking girl with the shaved head came up and said that to me i was like that's the straw that broke the fucking camel's back man that's the straw that broke the camel's back it's different and guess what everyone knows now everyone knows because i said it earlier

and i set it up and now this is the fucking way it is dude so if you're gonna fucking look at me and act like i'm not gonna be be wearing a fucking Chicago Hope 1990s. By the way, swag from the fucking shit. I was in Chicago Hope when I was 16, dude. Oh, you don't know? You do now. I was in it, dude. Okay.

I went to the fucking wrap party. Probably, dude. I it's different. It's absolutely different. Okay. And that was it. When you get to the fucking, see, here's the thing. I'm not that famous.

But when you cross the fucking threshold into the lower rung of Mach 11, nobody could tell you shit, dude. And that's where we are, baby. The lower rung of Mach 11. It's different now. And I can't help it. And I'm, you know, part of me wants to be like, I'm sorry, but I'm not because it's just the way the fucking cookie crumbles, dude. Yes. I'm fucking 15.

I realized I'm 15. And that's how it's going to be, dude. Because let me tell you why. When you're a young kid and you want to be the way you want to be. Right. Because let me tell you why. When you're a young kid and you want to be the way you want to be, right? You just want what you want. You want ice cream for dinner. Do you want to wake up and eat a cherry pie? Your parents are like, you got to drink some orange juice. And you're like, but I want chocolate. And your parents are like, you can't drink that. And you're like, well, what the fuck do I care? I just want it. Well, because in the adult world,

you have to eat a breakfast and then eat the dessert afterwards. And then you get older and you start doing that. You start doing that. You become 30 and 32. And then you start doing that. You're like, well, I got to eat the fucking meal and then eat the ice cream. But, bro, that's not the way, man. You know what the way is?

The way you fucking want. You're an adult. Dude, it's COVID season, man. So fucking eat the dessert first and that's what i'm doing the whole thing is getting back to being that fucking you gotta who can be the old man the quickest who can be the old woman the quickest old men fucking shit their pants babies and old men shit their pants because they're like i look baby shit their pants because they don't know how to walk but old men shit their pants because they're like, look, baby shit their pants because they don't know how to walk. But old men shit their pants because they're like, I can't be bothered.

That's how you got to get. If you can get like that, that's ultimate enlightenment. And that's why this is a fucking cult. Dude, I waited, man. I waited for you motherfuckers. Monday wasn't feeling it. Tuesday, I was a little bit nauseous and played it up. And I didn't want to do the fucking podcast. But now it's time to do it man because you don't want me in podcast mode you don't want me in podcast mode because that's when the trouble happens and that's when everyone realizes it's different now i understand love it or hate it dude but podcast mode different chris with the 90s collar pop with no shirt underneath and the dmx chain with the gucci tilt glasses

it's different now i'll sell you drugs motherfucker i mean you know what I mean? That's it, man. I'm so 90s. It's ridiculous. I would never be fucking 2000s. I would never be 2010s. I was born in 1980, but I'm so 90s, man. The 90s fucking consumed me and it just fucking I became what I became. It was like an abstract painting that you were looking at trying to figure out. And then you realize by the year 2000, dude, it is what it is. There's no fucking thing it's supposed to be.

That's me. And I'm getting old. I'm getting old before you motherfuckers, man, because I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm 15. I'm the oldest 15-year-old man. That's how it is, dude. I'll leave frame.

I'm not going to, but I'll leave frame, you know? You sure the zoom's on? I just want to make sure. Yeah. It is, babies! Woo! See, the thing is, I can't...

I can't, I can't, you know, we can't have fucking one fire and I haven't get rid of their hair remotely, so I'm fucking, you know, I'm doing it all, man. But it's fine, man. This is how it is. The world's ending. It's, you know, wear a mask or don't wear a mask.

I don't know. I don't know. I bring a mask. I bring a mask like I'm a fucking, like it's a purse. And I'm like, you want me to wear it or what? I don't really give a shit. It's not that big of a deal. But anyway, I'm in podcast mood and that's how we like it.

So, you know, I'm chilling, man man and it's been a good fucking week it's been but that's you know it's interesting i was thinking about the moods that you get in because i was waiting for the right mood to hit dude to do this podcast i was waiting for the right mood to hit and i did a q a room on on fucking on my podcast. No, not on my podcast. I was doing a Q&A earlier, like two hours ago for UCLA because they were like, do you want to perform stand-up on a Zoom? And I was like, fuck no. And they were like, well, can we do a Q&A? And I was like, ka-ching, sure.

Do you know what I mean? And so I did a Q&A with them, and they were asking me all sorts of questions. And, dude, they put me in podcast mode and I was like now is the time to do the fucking podcast fuck all these schedules and shit I know it's hard you got to show up for work you got to do what you got to do

and you got to make the shit work the way it works but you know what I mean for me I have a podcast I just stand up when I want to I book the gigs I want to and I do the podcast when I want to why am I holding why am I fucking doing it Monday nights?

Dude, I was doing it fucking Monday in the day. And I was always doing it Monday in the day. And then I fucking was like, dude, I'm alive at night. I'm like, I'm one of those guys that's alive at night. You know what I mean? I'm one of those guys that's real alive at night. I realized that when I was 22 in Burbank. When I fucking couldn't go to sleep until like 5 a.m.

And then I would wake up at fucking noon but i'm alive at night man so anyway um since i'm alive at night i was like i'm gonna do my podcast at night and of course now i started doing my podcast at night and then i was like why do i even have to do it monday night dude i'm like a you know what i'm like i'm like the chick that's kind of eking her way out of the relationship that's what i'm doing and it's fine dude because you can still come with me anyway because it's a podcast it's not a relationship but i'm the girl that like went to fucking france for two weeks and then really run it by her boyfriend and was like oh i bought tickets to france you didn't know and the boy's like well why the fuck did it you're going to

france why don't you tell me and she's like i don't know i thought if i if i did it if i talked to you about it i wouldn't do it i would chicken out so i just bought the tickets really quickly and i'm gonna go and the guy's like well okay i guess that's cool and then by the time she comes back shit is she's got the fucking chicago hope 90s jacket on with the collar pop the dmx chain no shirt underneath and the gucci took glasses and it's fucking deferent. Bro, fucking vas deferens. I just thought about vas deferens. That's so weird they call that shit vas deferens.

They cut your fucking vas deferens for a vasectomy, dude? What, man? Guys are out there just cutting that shit? That's ridiculous. I couldn't do that. It would be nice to do, though. I couldn't do that. Vast deference.

Eh, seh, German. Anyway, dude. Great. Great. I got water on the mouse. And now the fucking pages are flying all over the place. Yes, dude. I can't get them on.

I can't get them going. Woo-hoo. The pages are flying everywhere. Woo-hoo. It looks like the fucking screen in the Minority Report when Tom Cruise is doing all this shit. Bro, how dumb is it that he had to act that shit and then they had to put the shit in later? They're like, well, Tom, go ahead. And he was like, okay.

And he would just do this shit and just – and he did this. He turned it, dude. He turned it like this. He thought that was a good idea. And the directors go like this. That is a good idea. We'll put in a circular thing and post. Dude, minority report.

Wow. Anyway, dude. Got the page back. Got to re-download the ads. Yes! But it's all good, man. Turn on my Netflix special, man. After you watch this, it's no pain.

Or you can watch Man on Fire or Incorrigible or whatever the fuck. I'm also on Comedians of the World. But it is it, dude. It's lit. Your boy's from New Jersey. He's 15. And it's fucking different, dude. And I was waiting.

I was waiting for today. I was literally waiting for today all of my life. Ever since I said it to Eric Griffin, man. Why do we do it the way we fucking do it, man? We can just do it however we want. Kanye West is out there making shoes that look like a fucking melted toothbrush. Do you know what I mean? He's out there making fucking shoes with holes in them. Bro, you walk.

You walk and the water gets in. And motherfuckers are walking out there with wet feet and they're like well conge says it's okay fuck that dude i'm done with that shit i like yeezys dude but like they keep coming out the same color they got yeezy abez is the new one coming out also he making up words dude that's the shit fucking, what do you call this one? A bez. And then he goes to sleep. That's the whole workday for him.

I come up with a shoe name. What is it? A bez. Really? Dude. And every shoe is the same shoe. For real. Every color is the same color.

Look at all of them. Look at the bez. Look at the fucking, the white one. The fucking mint. they're all the same dude butter cream they all look the same and motherfuckers are out there just scooping them up wearing them like they're different they're not as different as me dude i got i have a few you know to be honest i have like six of them and some of them look the same. But I stopped myself right there, dude. I was like, no more.

Because we're all suckers deep down in a certain way. We're all suckers. You could tell, man. You drive by a fucking Jack in the Box and you're like, who would eat there? You drive by it enough. You're like, I'm really hungry. Let me just check it out. The burger looks good.

By the way, I'm sick of the fucking burger places. I know I've talked about this before, but I'll tell you right now, they asked me at the Q&A on the UCLA thing, they asked me, what's the best LA meal? And I go like this, you know what, man, if you're coming to me for a real LA meal, I don't, a lot of people eat to live,

a lot of people live to eat. I don't live to eat, man. That shit is fuel for me. Put it in my mouth, I'll eat it, it'll be quick, and then I'm about my business. eat to live a lot of people live to eat i don't live to eat man that shit is fuel for me put it in my mouth i'll eat it it'll be quick and then i'm about my business all right so i'm about my business after i eat i'm not fucking num num all but really oh num num i don't like i don't go to restaurants if somebody says they're good whatever i'll just go if it's near if i like the ambiance you understand all right so they asked me and I said I'm not about this shit In-N-Out dude

In-N-Out if you're asking me for a good Los Angeles Meal In-N-Out That's it that's what I'm thinking And that's what I'm doing and I love In-N-Out and when people Fucking say by the way Theo Put up a thing the other day about how In-N-Out is not even that good And I just to be

Totally interesting right now, I completely disagree with him. And that's fucking interesting to disagree with somebody who has a podcast. So he fucking said that, and I go like this. Okay, all right, by myself. Just all right, okay. And I got mad by myself that he said that. And I was like, okay, all right, whatever, dude.

And then I was like, well, I haven't texted with him in a while since the COVID shit. He jumped out of a fucking group chat that we were in, which is bullshit, by the way. Dude, he jumps out of a group chat. Let me tell you right now, if you jump out of a group chat, you're a fucking pussy. For real. You do. You let those dings come in or you hide it or whatever the fuck. You know how you could fucking whatever you – what do you call them?

Do not disturb or whatever the fuck? That's bullshit. I'm tracking the group, man. There's a motherfucker in there that doesn't even write. He hasn't written since he's been in the group chat. And he's still watching. And I know he's watching. And sometimes we forget he's there.

We almost talk shit about him. But anyway, dude, no In-N-Out? No way. No way. In-N-Out? No way. In-N-Out is so good, and people are like, oh, but the fries. Dude, shut up. Shut up, man. It's about the burger.

You go to a burger place for a burger, okay? And then people are like, oh, yeah, but Shake Shack. See, that's the thing. They always come around with some new shit, and it doesn't have the staying power the In-N-Out has. People like to say that like the new shit is better because they want to be interesting

and I hate that shit, you know? Oh, but have you heard of, oh, you like that band? But have you heard of this band? I saw them play at the place and there were only 12 people there, but they're the new one. Oh bro, congratulations, fucking Lewis and Clark. You found them. but have you heard of this band? I saw them play at the place and there were only 12 people there but they're the new one oh bro congratulations fucking Lewis and Clark

you found them that just means you were you just were there dude you're bragging about being somewhere imagine how boring you gotta be about bragging about being somewhere and there are motherfuckers out there

talking about that with chain burger restaurants. They're like, yeah, but have you tried Bluebird Burger? There's always a new one with blue in it. Have you tried Bluebird Burger? Blue Stone? Have you tried Blue Tapestry? Have you tried Blue Ribbon? Dude, in and out.

Yo, guess what? We have fucking, I just turned myself up in my headphones. That's why there's a little bit of a cut. Because you know this is one take, dude. This is just one take and it goes one take and I don't cut shit out. Unless maybe I fucking talk to someone else or about someone else. And then I ask them if I could put it in and they say no. But I think that's only happened one time.

Anyway, whatever, dude. Firing on all cylinders, man. So, yeah, so In-N-Out is the best burger. And what people are just, they don't want to be loyal, man. They don't want to be loyal, dude. People fucking hate being loyal. And one of the number one things you ask If you ask any random person down the street Hey what are your five biggest qualities

I guarantee number four will be like Oh but and also I'm loyal Then what the fuck are you doing looking for different burgers dude When I say In-N-Out is the shit I go to In-N-Out I go to In-N-Out I go to In-N-Out I go to In-N-Out

I go to In-N-Out I go to In-N-Out And then after a bunch of times I go to In-N-Out I go to In-N-Out Somebody I go to In-N-Out. And then after a bunch of times I go to In-N-Out, I go to In-N-Out. Somebody says, do you want to try the new shake? And I say, well, why don't we stop right there? I'm a loyal motherfucker. I'm going to In-N-Out. But I heard Shake Shack is, that's fine. I'll tell you what, if I'm hungry and I'm near a Shake Shack, or I'm at the airport and a Shake Shack is around and I know there's no In-N-Out, I'll get a Shake Shack. But until then, dude, I'm In-N-Out, man. I'm In- airport and a shake shack is around and I know there's no in and out I'll get a shake shot but until then dude I'm in and out man I'm in and out for life for those of you

that don't know what in and out is in and out is a burger uh but yeah so I'm loyal dude I'm not ever looking for the different shit I figured out what I like and that's what you got to do and people are like like, oh, but it's narrow-mindedness. Oh, yeah, but I already fucking thought about all the other things. People are like, well, don't you want to travel? You've never been to Taiwan. Is it beautiful? No, I already thought about it.

Oh. Oh, fuck, man. oh fuck man I'm not tired yet I'm not gonna lose steam dude there was a fucking you know what's so fucking ridiculous is all these commercials now that are socially

conscious it's like dude just cause we're going through covid you don't have to make a fucking commercial about how socially distancing is important okay isuzu like dude make a goddamn car just because just because you're practicing social distancing doesn't mean you can't remain connected make a car there was a fucking row i don't remember it was like a acura or some shit infinity i think it was dude what's what's a fucking infinity anyway like there's too many of them i don't know one person with one and i would never know somebody with an infinity ever in my life if my friend had an infinity i go like this oh i i thought i knew you but dude and also infinity picks like

the weird numbers and letters and shit it's like a q35 it's like dude what what am i james bond it's a fucking rs7 a fucking a7 you do what audi does it's like q Audi has a Q as a matter of fact whatever don't listen to me but my point is the I think it was infinity and it was like in times like the dude don't every commercial in times like these with the time like this with it where staying connected is more important than ever. Oh yeah. Okay. Velveeta. It's a fuck fucking put it in my mouth. It's so ridiculous.

It's important with times. Anytime a fucking product is telling me how important the time is. I'm out. I'm out, man. Make the product. It's commercial suck. Hire me.

I'll be like, Hey, you want these pants? Get these fucking pants. These pants are the best pants. I'll Trump commercial suck. Hire me. I'll be like, Hey, you want these pants? Get these fucking pants. These pants are the best pants. I'll Trump it up. Um, yeah, dude, socially conscious commercials are the worst. You're just, you're trying, you're a commercial.

You're trying to get us to buy your product. Why are you being socially conscious? What was the ad where the really bitch-ass one where people were like i think it was a shaving one where they were like a shaver one where they were like it was some shit like you don't need to be a it was so ridiculous it was like you don't need to be a man to shave your beard i was like all right dude it was like i can't remember what it was but it was so fucking pandering. The second I could smell the agenda, I'm out. I don't like to smell the fucking agenda.

I can't smell the fucking agenda, dude. During times like these, it's more important than ever. How many commercials have started that? That way. During times like these, it's more important than ever to visit living spaces. Do you need end tables? Well, remember, we're here for you. During times like these, comfortability is more important than ever. We know a lot's

going on in the world. So here at Radio Shack, come get a fucking VCR. Hey, Radio Shack, how do we still exist? My buddy fucking Dean Del Rey has the funniest bit about Radio Shack. my buddy fucking Dean Delray has the funniest bit about Radio Shack. I don't remember it, buddy. You'd be like, why is it fucking, how is there still a Radio Shack? Anyway. Hey, come on. Come on, guys.

Buy this. But during times like these, we're more here for you than any place. Home Depot. They'll do it with Home Depot. Like they give a shit, dude. You need wood? During times like these, we understand the fucking structure of society may be collapsing, but we're not. Home Depot.

During times like these, we know it's going to be awful and you might get COVID. Hookers, we're here for you. When you thought life sucked, we're here to suck it back. Hookers. Slobbing on your knob. Hookers. Hookers.

One of the oldest professions in the world. Way older than COVID. Hookers. Wash your hands.. Hookers. Wash your hands also. Hookers. Just because it's harder to stay connected in the real world doesn't mean it should be hard to connect your cock into a pussy. Hookers. Or a butthole.

Or a mouth. Hookers. We want you to feel sensational. Oh, fuck, that was so loud Um In my headphones Anyway dude Where them ads at?

Hove Where them ads at? We about to read some ads Hover Insecure Jay Z Yo We about to read some ads you like this outfit um yo ma you good you good i didn't mean to ask again i was just making sure discover more value than ever at Loblaws.

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at loblaws in-store and online conditions may apply see in-store for details wherever you're going you better believe american express will be right there with you heading for adventure we'll help you breeze through security meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. Speaking of shoes, dude, I was talking about yeezys there's too many fucking uh collabs on shoes it's so annoying now just have the shoes be the shoes

okay oh ben and jerry's came out with that fucking ice cream shoe it's so ugly dude all the patterns they're done we're done making the good shoes that's the thing they put you put all these patterns on they got the cow pattern the blue green it's all the chunky monkey shit and they come in a fucking big ice cream tub are you out of your mind i'm 40 and 40 years old are scooping that up like they're ice cream, man. But, dude, so, you know, at least the, what do you call it, the ice cream shit, at least it seemed fun with it. The ice cream shit seemed fun with it.

Ice cream is fun. Shoes are fun if you like shoes. So you collab that shit. You make it okay. It fun shoes are fun if you like shoes so you collab that shit you make it okay it's like it's like a chicago hope denim jacket but bro national i saw i swear to god national geographic collaborated on a shoot oh hey dude you're not nike vans ah ah hey you're not a fucking adidas oh the reverse oh dude the boomerang oh oh it went back to where it came from man national geographic vans hey dude uh come on Come on. That's the fucking start car drive away.

Come on, man. Vans and National Geographic collaborated on a fucking shoe. Dude, get the fuck out of here. National Geographic, just fucking get showing pictures of people with long necks and all the fucking bracelets on their neck. Come on, man. They made a shoe with a wolf on it, which is cool. But then in the back, it says fucking National Geographic. And it has that stupid fucking yellow rectangle.

Gave up when they tried the logo, you know? Guy's just like, oh, fuck, I forgot to do the National Geographic logo. Well, what do you mean? Oh, fuck, you got to present. What are you going to do? I don't know. And then saw a fucking rectangle and saw yellow and was like, I'll just go with that.

And he acted smarter than all of them. And then they were like, okay, cool, it's minimalistic, yeah. Dude, it's a fucking, it's a fucking wolf one. And then there's one that just says National Geographic with the yellow rectangle. Okay. You know, then there's one with all back issues of National Geographic on the shoe printed. And then there's one with an ocean on it. Like that says National Ge national geographic and then it has

like what are they called the latitude longitude somewhere it's that's probably the where you'd be like where is that you'd look it up and it would be fucking up your ass you'd look it up you'd be like where is that you'd be like oh suckerville oh that's a place called suckerville and then there's one with that with a with a fucking ice thing Greenland and then how boring are the guys that tell you oh you know fucking Greenland is actually one that's colder than Iceland and Iceland is the one that has more green than Greenland how boring are those fucking people

a guy who would say that would be named Austin and he'd be so big and you'd be like cool man oh really cool ugly there's enough with the collabs dude let's see what people are saying And he'd be so big. And you'd be like, cool, man. All right. Oh, really cool. So ugly. There's enough with the collabs, dude. Let's see what people are saying. Them gray wolf jams kind of tough, though.

I just like. Who likes fucking National Geographic that much, you know you know national geographic was always the thing that was just there and then it was a channel when you got in high school and it was like oh this is a channel now what happens you just turn on every time you turn it on it'd be like a fucking boar mauling a fucking poor moose and now they have goddamn shoes i'm getting all of them dude i'm getting all of them this guy this I'm getting all of them. This guy, this guy fucking telling you not to get the National Geographic vans while he's wearing a Chicago Hope denim jacket. And I'll tell you one thing, dude. That's because I was in the shit. If I was

this wolf, I would rock these shoes for sure. These shoes, I swear they troll us with these fucking shoes, man. Travis Scott with his fucking 90 bandanas, fucking low dunks. Dude, National Geographic has his shoe. During times like these, we want you to know that walking the earth is important. National Geographic shoes. You're probably thinking to yourself, why? And then you just hear the guy blow his brains out. Look at this.

I'm so sick of this fucking cancel culture bullshit. Who's not sick of it, by the way? Who's not sick of the cancel culture shit? Like who's like looking at people that got canceled and then is like more you don't even give a fuck if the guy seems like a good guy or not they're trying to cancel jimmy fallon's the nicest guy in the fucking world i know because I know him because I hobnob with stars. My elbows are warm as fuck, dude. I know this motherfucker.

But, dude, these people. No, Jimmy Fallon did Blackface in 2000. He did Chris Rock. All right, dude. Yeah. And you know what? I bet Jimmy Fallon feels bad about that. You know why? Because he's a good guy.

So what the fuck? Nah, we want him out. We want him gone. I don't care. Yeah, but he's a real family man. He's done a lot for the community. I don't give a fuck. You saw what he did 20 years ago. You didn't apologize because it happened. You apologize because it got caught. No fucking shit, man. Who the fuck would apologize if they didn't get caught? Hey, you did. Hey, you did that shit. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. Sorry. The fuck apologizes. Why the fuck would Jimmy Fallmy fallon be like hey guys everything's been great i make 90 million dollars a year but just so you know i did blackface in 2000 and i'm sorry yeah him getting in the car leaving

a pie about to hit his face someone's spitting in the car, leaving. A pie about to hit his face. Someone spitting in a fucking freeze frame. Jimmy Fallon like this, and his wife is consoling him, and he's crying. Jimmy Fallon on a fucking chair with a noose around his neck and he jumps freestyling fucking what's that one sit ubu sit good dog dude he's in podcast mode mode boomerang I don't do this podcast for you I do it for me if you want to listen thanks if not thanks dude I'm not for everybody I wouldn't be I won't be I hope you're fucking listening to this for the first time because dude I'm 15 and I'm and i'm young dude and i'm old as fuck in my youngness and i'm doing what i want to do dude my dad told me once when i was like 18 he was like

you know your grandpa did whatever the fuck he wanted to do my dad my dad did whatever the fuck he wanted to do he smoked since he was nine he always ate meat for every meal and he got fucking and he lived to be like 80 something and i always thought that maybe that was a key to life and dude maybe it is so i'll do what i want it's like dude but also still be a good guy you know yeah but still be a good guy man still be a good guy for real i know this is a silly podcast but you gotta still be a good guy because here's the deal with the masks people are like no i'm not wearing people it's hilarious that the the same people that would say i'll do anything for this fucking country will be like you're not telling me to wear a mask oh that's cool. But I'm confused about that statement.

And here's the deal. If you don't want to wear a mask, don't wear a mask, man. I'm not Batman. I'm not the guy who's going to be like, but yes, you will be. Dude, whatever, man. If you don't want to wear a mask, it's your face. Fine. But if you're going to be in a building with a bunch of other people then guys like me or not

like me might be like you know what i'm not going to go in there there's too many people okay you saw what missouri was doing at the ozarks and shit that bar with all the fucking guys who look like they worked out in the 50s were there you know the guys who look like those fucking the guys that look i saw a thing about bodybuilding that through the years and it was like a weightlifter in 1910 and the weightlifter in 2020 and it was like so different. And the guy from 1930 wasn't even buff. He was just like sucking in and doing this and holding one of those fucking bullshit dumbbells with the big circles. And it's just like, dude, first of all, what were those dumbbells?

Second of all, why did those guys always have a mustache? And third of all, why were they all at the ozark in that fucking news thing that i was watching earlier all those guys were watching and they had awful tattoos and uh none of them had masks on and it was like they were trying to make a point they were like fuck it get close to me bro i'll kiss the shit out of you no one's telling me to wear a mask i'll kiss it i'll kiss i'm gonna get so close to my fucking buddy fuck it man for our country are you gay nope for our country are you sucking his dick for our country and trying to make a point so anyway um so anyway uh you know don't wear a mask man like I'm not going to be the guy who's like put a. Like, I'm not going to be the guy who's like,

put a mask on, buddy. I'm not going to be that guy. But also, I'm not going to be the guy, the fucking strange asshole that's like, man, I feel really uncomfortable that this shit is going around. And whether the media made it a fucking thing or not, whether it is real or it's not as real as we think it is, I'm still nervous. So buddy, would you wear a mask for the meantime? I go like this. Sure. Boom mask. You know why it's not that big of a fucking deal, dude. It's not that big of a deal to put a fucking mask on. Yeah. But if it's one thing, then it could easily be another thing. What, what's going to happen next? I put on a mask and then the government's gonna have a bunch of guys on my fucking uh grass hey what's up who are you guys

oh we were set by the government we're here to fuck your ass whether you like it or not because you agreed to the mask thing no that's not what's gonna happen dude people are so fucking scared man you're not scared of the fucking dude. You're either scared of Corona or you're scared of the government. Like, dude, just be a guy with your own opinion, man. And these Trumpers are the fucking people that act like they're the ones being fucking persecuted or whatever. Motherfucker, he's the president!

Well, they just don't get it. See, we need to take society back. Take it back. The president is the guy! What are you talking about? That's like LeBron being like, we need to win more. Motherfucker, you are a winner.

We need to take this back. We're tired. They're taking our country from us. Man, the president is the guy. Fuck you, I'm not wearing a mask. Then you're scared. Wear a mask, you're scared of COVID. Don't wear a mask, you're scared of COVID. Don't wear a mask. You're scared

of the government. So bring a mask, bring one, have it in your back pocket. Like your fucking boy, dude. I have it in my back pocket. And if I see a room with a bunch of people that might look like they're scared of COVID, I go, boom, I hook it behind my ears and I walk in. And if I don't, I breathe freely. Motherfuckers are out there trying to get the COVID. Okay, yeah, but you know, it's actually less because the death rates are Alright, cool. You're interesting.

Motherfucker, you're talking to a dude with a Chicago denim jacket. I'm hot as shit. I'm sweating. I turned on the air. I have shorts on and socks and no shoes. I have a son. I have a son.

This poster that I don't fucking, I changed it, and it's over here. It's a South by Southwest comedy fucking poster, and I did the South by Southwest stand-up, what do you call it? Fucking festival. God, I can't remember words like festival man anyway I got that poster

a guy said he made it for us and each one of the guys was supposed to be one of the comedians in the thing I don't know which one I am it's very very he took a lot of liberties with this shit there's a cyclops on it and a guy with three eyes and a guy with four eyes and like a sponge with teeth so I don't know who i'm supposed to be but he he said um that i was

one of those and everyone was one of those guys and i don't know which one i am but i got it and i said he said dude i'm gonna send it to you framed and i said oh cool what's your address i gave him my address dude and i never got it and then fucking i swear to god for real three years later i get a note with this hey man sorry it took a long time but i i got it so anyway i hung it up dude shit is different now though it's hot dude i'm gonna be brutally honest with you guys it's hot so i put the fucking air conditioning in between my legs let's see where the postmates was dude i checked for i got postmates a while ago and i want to see where it is cool they're still at the fucking

thing good thing i ordered before the podcast dude i know how to do things i know he knows how to do things man I know. He knows how to do things, man. People say, no, don't do it that way. You're like, yeah, but we don't want you to do it that way. Man, yeah, but what you're going to do is wrong. Yeah, right. Well, I'm still going to do it my way. And it's my way or the highway.

Yeah, but fucking what happened now? You love me and stuff. And there's other people you have to do things for. And you can't just do whatever you want because it hurts my feelings. Man, whatever. Fuck that. Well, I'm going to leave. Oh, what are you going to do?

Leave like you always do? You're going to leave a lot now? Fucking good. Is that what you're going to do? You're going to get in the driveway and fucking leave? Well, what if I do? Well, that's fucking, you have a son now. So, man, you have to stay.

You can't just do whatever you want. You have to think about fucking doing the road now, and you can't just fucking go every other weekend. You might have to fucking, it's going to be a lot more like this COVID thing. After this dies down, this is a new fucking thing. Yeah, whatever. I'm still fucking me, though. I'm fucking 40. I can do what I want.

Yeah, well, you're not fucking 12, are you? You're going to end the people. You want your son to grow up to be a fucking asshole? Nah, whatever man. I want him to do what he wants to do. Real mature, sure real mature. You want him to grow up to do what he wants. What if that doesn't sit with the way you want him to do? What do you mean? What if your fucking son doesn't want to, what if your son wants to do something and you want to do something else?

And then you guys are at a fucking impasse. Why do you always fucking say impasse? Cause it fucking true with you there always is an impasse whatever dude my son's not gonna be the fucking asshole he's gonna fucking grow up and be cool as shit man he's gonna wear a fucking chicago he's gonna wear this jacket dude anyway i digress um Let me tell you something, man. I got a fucking... Let me take the glasses off for this one, dude, because I want to get real with you. Not that I wasn't real with the glasses, but I'm...

You ever walk out with a fucking collar up and you're like, this is the way to do it dude and then you look at your fucking self two hours later in the mirror out at the fucking bar and it's all fucking down and open like you look like a the fucking plant from little shop of horrors fuck that shit collar stay up whoa i hairspray my collars anyway dude um i talk about the real issues fucking pr um anyway i live in this house dude and i've lived in this house for a year and a half two year two years a year and a half two years i don't know when i moved in it was in november one of i noticed about seven or eight months ago that there's a light on in my backyard and i just assumed

one of the dogs handled it whenever I went to bed or something. Butters or Cooper or Sam or a trash dog. He's crafty. I thought that maybe in the back of my head, I knew there was a light that was always on in my backyard. And it's a big light. But I always assumed that it just kind of magically went out because that's the kind of guy i am if something doesn't get done i assume it got done because i don't want to do it so it took me about nine or ten or eleven months not just seven to

understand fully that there was a light that was on in my backyard and it was always on and that in fact the dogs weren't turning it off and it wasn't just magically turning off whenever I went to bed. Okay. I would look for the light switch casually. Starting about four or five months ago. Before I went to bed. But I wouldn't really look for it.

Like I wouldn't get my fucking monocle on. You know what I mean? I wouldn't get a treasure map. I would just kind of casually. Look. Not trying to brag. The house has lots of switches. I don't know all of them. And my house has nooks and crannies. Maybe there's switches in some odd places. I don't know.

So I would always go to bed and be like, I'll find it later. And maybe it's not even a real light in my head. And maybe I just made it up. You know, for real, I genuinely didn't have that full thought of, oh, there's a light that's on in my backyard and it won't go off unless i actually turn it off so um i casually would start look i'll go to bed i'll be like where's that light i'll be like yeah it's not that switch no that switch goes to that thing and that this fucking yeah this one still goes to that one why would it change okay cool yeah the backyard well i got those lights installed and in the meantime this turns that on but what did it turn on before that what does it matter it doesn't matter it turns on this now this one's too bright gotta get that ticket down gotta

call the guy after covid anyway whatever i'm gonna go to bed and then i'd sit in my bed and fucking not fall asleep because my restless legs were so bad until i busted so last night i i decide So last night, I decide. You know what? Enough's enough. And it is. If there's one thing about enough, it's enough. I'm going to find this fucking light switch thing.

And my girl's like, can we just? we just and i go no this is what's happening and she's like but it's lit and i say no come here you see that light it's so fucking bright why do we not know where the switch is to turn it off? And she's like, it doesn't matter, you know? And I say, well, if that doesn't matter, then nothing matters. Let's look at all the switches. So I fucking walk around the house and I'm like a ninja, you know, trying to fucking tiptoe. The baby's asleep and I'm fucking looking for the light switch, dude. And I can't find the goddamn light switch to the fucking light outside.

Now she's like, you're not going to find it. And I'm like, oh yeah. I go come with me to the fucking bathroom. We go to the bathroom and there's a switch that does the fan there's a switch that lowers the fucking oh and you think i'm lying the panic room doors okay sure they go slow but i still have them the crook will get in he'll do a fucking run slide and get in but so one goes to that one goes to the fan and the other goes to the fucking light in the bathroom and one of them doesn't work so i go like this i found it so you know this story doesn't really have an ending but i'm gonna get the guy to come and make the fucking sure that thing and then i went outside to the fucking place where like the storage is that isn't in my house I have to walk out of my house to go into that and I fucking like maybe it's this one I click

that and then the light goes on and then I can't turn the fucking new light off I kept trying to hit the fucking thing so I wouldn't turn off so I had to go back into the house and go to another light switch that I know works the fucking other shit and turn that

off you can't turn it off. You can't turn it off. You can turn it on. You can't turn it off. Is that boring? Yeah, but it's part of my life and you have to fucking hear it. Why are there fucking big lights in my backyard where I don't know where the switch is? How could that possibly happen? Wouldn't it be right on the inside of where that fucking light is?

Life is hard, dude. And you wonder why I want to wear a fucking jean jacket with no shirt on and a DMX chain with my fucking glasses tilted. Reactivate realness. Reactivate real mode with my glasses on, dude. How long have i been going 55 nice and he fucking keeps going have you guys fucking seen? First of all, let's talk about this fucking tweet that this girl did. Kate Kelly.

Kate underscore Kelly underscore Esquire. Look, I'm 40. I never knew what Esquire meant, and I will never know what it means. If someone explains to me what Esquire means, I'll go like this. Because I don't want to know by now. It's the most cock word of all time. Yeah, I'm Chris D'm Crystalia Esquire. Oh, really?

Run me over. This girl tweets this. Rape did not exist among Native nations prior to white contact. I repeat, rape did not exist among Native nations prior to white contact. Before white contact, that's all there was. Rape was the prize of invading a city. Rape was the video games of before white contact. Are you out of your mind?

What do you think? White guys are in just fucking came in and then we're just like you know you can just take it and everyone's like no yeah watch these fucking idiots dude so sorry that they're white that they just gotta be like oh boy i know i can apologize for fucking shit that never happened five minutes for the so call the um yeah dude and they're trying to get jimmy fallon for blackface dude he's a good guy i'm sure he's if i ever get caught for some shit like Jimmy Fallon for blackface, dude. He's a good guy. I'm sure he's... If I ever get caught for some shit like that, I never did blackface. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sitting here thinking, have I? No, I never have.

And someone's like, Crystal Lee did blackface in fucking 1994. I'm going to go like this. This is my apology. I'm going to go like this. I'm going to click on and I'm going to go, I'm sorry. And that's what it's going to be. Because I am. I am sorry if I've've ever done blackface, I never done it, but if I have, I'm sorry. Cause it's a fucking stupid thing to do.

Apologizing. Thanks for holding me accountable guys. That's one thing that people say thanks for holding me accountable what no no the less people holding me accountable for something the fucking better dude i have a podcast sure it's fucking successful don't don't account me for anything you understand anyway are we done saying i'm that bitch yes i'm not i'm not dealing with that anymore i'm not talking about it anymore but stop saying that all right um the last thing i want to fucking talk about is is 90 day fiance have you guys seen this fucking show? Here's the deal. A lot of people watch this show.

I'm not going to say it's bad. I am not going to say it's bad because I don't say things are bad. Do I want to watch it? Not particularly, but I turned it on the other day. People want to watch it. Great. It's successful.

Good on you. i love success so if you're a reality television show that's just the main thing i fucking hate reality tv i fucking hate it i don't like competitions i don't like you know what i mean yeah but if he fucking doesn't bust a nut for 30 days all right cool. You're just describing me when I was 15. So 90 Day Fiancé is a gangbusters fucking thing. What do you call it? Reality show. Now, I don't watch it, but I caught it. I was made to watch it. And I'm a bitch and couldn't say no and wanted to watch The Sopranos. And she said, I always watch what I want to watch. And I'm 15, dude. So I fucking turn on 90 Day Fiancé. First of all, one of the guys just straight up has no neck.

Okay, man, you know that guy. He's the only guy worth watching on the show. That guy is killer. I like the guy and he's my friend. I've never met him, but just so you know, because I've seen the show, he is my friend now. That's how it goes. If he knows it or not, I don't give a fuck. I've decided he's my friend and we're very close. Okay.

Okay. I like his hair. And it's really banging and he's got a daughter and his name is is that Big Ed is that who that guy is I don't know anyway yeah it's Big Ed he's fucking 4 foot 11 and he's my friend he lied and said he was 5 foot 2

to the fucking girl that he's flying over from the Philippines or something like that and she comes over and she's like I'm 5 foot and he's like great I'm 5 foot she says I'm 5 foot 2 he says I'm, I'm five foot. And he's like, great, I'm five foot. She says, I'm five foot two. He says, I'm five foot two. And she comes and he's like, by the way, I'm 4'11". Okay, hey, if you're 4'11", you're also five foot two, okay?

If you're a man and you're 4'11", guess what? You're five foot two. You adding those extra three inches isn't gonna make a girl have to run and get her towel. All right? So anyway, this is what I'm trying to say. Yes, of course, it's sad. 90-day fiance.

It's sad that somebody's like, I'm going to fucking get married to this person I've never met. Or I'm going to fucking, you know, some of the people handle it fine. Like there's a guy who pretends he's not gay that's like oh you know i i i met this russian girl i'm gonna meet her in russia and i want to do that and that's cool and that's fine there's another girl that's like i have a guy that i really love in australia haven't met him yet but i want to meet him in australia that's cool do that shit fucking link up man this isn't fucking 1944 anymore go link up through tinder for real i'm all for it i wish you can get an std through an app but i'm all for it man you're in love like in deep monogamous love.

With somebody and want to start a family and share meals. And build with them and and then move in with them and live with them and be with them every day. And you've never with them. And live with them. And be with them every day. And you've never met them. Dude. You're a real idiot. And that's the stone cold hard facts. This is NPR. cold hard facts this is npr now no knock on anyone's situation no knock on anyone's income or abilities or whatever

i understand life is hard. But the lady on the show said that she's never fucking FaceTime with the guy because his phone is broken. And it's been that way for like a year. Okay, so that's all I'm saying. So as sad as it can be, stop tricking yourself. I know what a catfish is, dude dude you think your boy doesn't know you think your boy can't sniff it out you know how many messages i get from fucking girls with two posts and her profile pick is her fucking fat ass and she says let me suck you and i'm like either dad died early or you're not real or you're a guy masquerading shut up you're a fucking incel butters god damn it dude

still barking woohoo woohoo they're still barking Ellen Barkin woo my dogs are Ellen Barkin woohoo what am I gonna be done I'm done I'm done dude but my point is 90 day fiance is dumb don't put a time limit on it there's no 90 days anything is just, do you have a fiance or not? Okay. The whole fucking, what was the other one? I saw the fucking love at first. Why are they doing all this with love? Love is hard enough. Love is hard enough, dude. You know how hard it is to be with somebody and then remain with them for 40 years i don't even like myself 20 years ago i gotta like someone that i'm living with in 20 years are you out of your fucking mind

dude are you out of your fucking mind that's it dude i don't like myself 20 years ago i gotta like someone else in 20 years, take me out! Thank God for this podcast during this COVID shit, man. I just want to tell you guys for real though, don't be fucking idiots, number one. And number two, the truth is I'm really don't be fucking idiots, number one. And number two, the truth is,

I'm really, I am really appreciative of you guys. Anybody that's ever listened to me talk on this podcast or bought a ticket to a comedy show, thank you. And I know, you know, fucking, I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it. But also,

sometimes a little bit of realness is going to peak out you know the window cracked open a little bit and you get to see some realness every now and then yeah I love silly goose times but whoops I left the window open why is it so cold

oh I see the windows open oh that's the realness breezing in what is that it's realness breezing in. What is that? It's realness. Oh, my God. I think I need a scarf. No, no, no.

Relax. Take in the realness. But it was just a silly goose. No, no, no. Over your lip. That's the realness. And then a tear. you know what I mean? It's what?

You heard me. It's the realness? It's the real... No, a kiss. Guy or a girl, I don't give a shit. and we kiss. Guy or a girl, I don't give a shit. Some guy,

even if it's a guy, are you, you're gay? And I'm just like, this time. Dude. Imagine two people fucking and only wearing sunglasses. Wow, dude.

How have I never thought of that? Imagine two people fucking, only wearing sunglasses and blazers and that's it. How have I never thought of that? Dude, that's so dope. Redder, take me out. As I bust. Freeze frame with the fucking splooge up in the... Dude, sunglasses, just a blazer, busting a nut.

Here we go. Uh-oh, Renner, take me out. Uh-oh, Renner, take me out. That's how it went, dude. Renner, tag me out! That's how it goes, dude. Gonna regret that. Anyway, you guys, thank you so much for listening.

Congratulations, podcast. Fucking, you know how it goes, man. Episode 112 in time. And we're having a good time, man. And that's it. And also, I spilled water. So thank you very much, you guys. I appreciate you all listening to me.

And remember... Sensation. Sensation. Sensation. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Ah, Chins hit his head, dude.