Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 177. Human

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Today Chris discusses Love Island, specifically Jaxon Human, Blues Clues and Bubble Guppies, The new Equalizer, and the best use of boxers he ever saw. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of americam express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions hey guys it's episode 177 of congratulations what's up you guys episode 177 um you know never thought i'd be this far in never thought i'd have this many episodes of this podcast uh back after a long fucking break anything good on quibi do you guys know um i do see people sometimes though and they fucking will be like hey man did you hear about this and it's like dude i'm not dead you know i'm not underground dude i feel like they thought i was at the same hiding place as bin laden and i come out and they're like dude have you heard about fucking covid i'm like i know you know you gotta wear two masks now oh yeah you gotta wear two masks now because it's 90 effective rather than 70 with the one mask if you wear half a mask it's 35 um i'm just gonna put on

fucking eight masks that's what i'm gonna do that's what i've been doing actually that's why i haven't been spotted out i've been i've been i have i have eight masks and i don't even have them all around my mouth i have four around my mouth and then i have one over my eyes and then one on over my neck and then one pull uh pushes my hair back um are you uh so yeah so look i don't even know how to fucking do a podcast anymore, but, uh, what, what has God, man, I mean, you know, what the fuck do don't even know. I don't know when this is going to come out. But one years old, man, or one year old, I guess. And my God, man. Like the thing that just grounds you, you know what I mean? Like this kid came out of my fiance.

And it's just immediate. You know what? I will say my buddy once told me, he was like, isn't it crazy when your kid comes out, you just immediately would lay down in front of a truck for him to save his life. And I had that in my head for like 15 years. His kid's like 15 years old now, but he told me when he first came out. I said, came out like it's a fucking single it's a it's a human but um yeah and uh i uh i thought about that and i was like oh man that's wild to feel that like i trusted him and shit and then

when my son came out i was just like oh it's a fucking baby i love him and i started crying immediately and um it was great, man. But I was like, would I lay down in front of a truck for him? And I was like really conflicted because I really wanted to feel that. So I didn't even know if I really did feel that or not. And in one month, it was just like, man, I would end my life for his. Isn't that crazy? Like, I'm not even trying to be like any cute or anything but like man my son like take my

life so he can live another fucking day isn't that fucking crazy my dad used to tell that about me and used to tell that about my brother and i felt a little bit fucking you know i would like it like when he would say yeah like when i would say dad would, like when I would say, dad, would you, like one time I was at my, uh, we were on vacation or some shit and we were in a building and we were on the overhang, uh, on the balcony. And I, and I looked down to the bottom and I said, dad, do you think if I jumped down there, I would kill him? It would kill me. And he said, yeah, probably you'd at least break your legs. And I said, what would you do if I fell? And he said, I would jump to and try to to i would jump down true and try to break i would jump cool ruining this fucking beautiful story i would jump that hey the words fucking jump not trump hey yes dude

the words fucking jump man trump my dad said i would jump down too and try to break your fall and i said you couldn't do that and he said well i would try um and now because i said drunk nine times i forget what the fucking point of the goddamn story was but the truth is um i would drunk anywhere for my son um my uh anyway dude it's it's really you know some people listen to this podcast and they don't have kids and some people listen to this podcast and they do have kids i get it now it's just unreal man i wake up and i we go and get him and he's just happy now he's like he does this thing where he fucking you know he claps now and he does this thing where he doesn't really he doesn't say words yet but he'll go and naturally you know you worry about

that because you're like is this kid just going to be like a fucking somebody in an african tribe like is that how he's going to communicate from now on what's that mean it means welcome and you're just like ah what are they saying well they're saying if you don't um abide by their traditions they'll murder you oh fuck really yeah they'll cut off your they'll cut off your clit well i don't have a clit well they'll cut off your balls okay cool well tell them i don't want that. You tell him. Okay. I guess. Don't cut off my balls. And so, yeah. So he goes a lot and doesn't really say any words. I look at him and I say, ball, ball. And I do it like 90 times and he's just sitting there looking at it and then a wave at me

like he's in an old person's home. Like he's a 90 year old in an old person's home, just waving. And you're just like, no, he had a good life. He forgot where to, he forgot who he is, honestly. He thinks he's fucking 90 year old in an old person's home just waving and you're just like you know he had a good life he forgot where he forgot who he is honestly he thinks he's fucking robert de niro just waving while i'm while i'm ball ball just waving um but the kid smiles dude and man we like everybody is, oh, it's so hard to have kids. It fucks up your sleep. Dude, guess what, man? My son came home from the hospital, slept through the night, never wakes up. He never wakes up in the middle of the night. The kid sleeps from fucking nine till 10. And I don't

mean 9 p.m. till 10 p.m. I mean 9 p.m. to 10 a.m. dude the guy sleeps all night that motherfucker is gangster at sleeping I check on the fucking nan and every time I look he's just like in a different position he looks like he's doing a slam dunk only laying on his back or side um so yeah the craziest thing about having a kid man I had a kid we had this we had the boy his name's calvin and we call him callie and uh so we had we had him and every the whole world stopped shut down covid boom i i shit you not the kid hasn't met another he dude he knows nine people my my son knows nine fucking people it's he's been alive almost a year he knows nine people and four of them nine fucking people. He's been alive almost a year. He knows nine people, and four of them have the last name D'Elia.

Dude, it's unreal. The kid has met nine. He doesn't even, he thinks like there's, he sees like a tenth person, and he just cries. He doesn't understand. He sees, the ninth person he met, he cried for an hour and a half. He was just like, how many people are in this world how many people are here are you kidding me a fucking another one that's what he's like eighth and ninth person he was like nine i can't even count that many but it's how mad what is this um yeah dude he we were we were at the park and he fucking saw

two he saw two babies he didn't i think he fucking thinks he's a dog dude we have three dogs they're all there we have four dogs one three of them are the same size as him i think he thinks he's a dog. Dude, we have three dogs. We have four dogs. Three of them are the same size as him. I think he thinks he's one of them. Because the kid just literally does what the dogs do. All day long, he just runs around and goes, and then fucking shits himself sometimes. Oh, and he also goes to the dog ball and fucking smacks the shit out of it and gets all wet he's seen we brought him to the park dude we brought him to the park and

he saw two other babies and he was like what is that human what is that little man dude he doesn't even understand he's the little man too he's like what's that little man? I'm a dog. I'm a dog. Okay. I don't know what the hell that thing is, but what is that little man? Looks like an old man shrunk. What is that? Dude, him. And by the way, the other two babies didn't see babies either.

They were all looking at each other like the fucking Spider-Man meme where Spider-Man was looking at the other two Spider-Mans. Like, what the fuck is this? Who are you? That's what they were fucking looking at. What the heck are you guys? What are you doing? You guys, I'm a dog. They're all thinking, I'm a dog. What are you that's what they were fucking looking at what the heck are you guys what are you doing you guys i'm a they're all thinking i'm a dog what are you guys unbelievable dude it was

for real he stopped dead in his tract and look tracks looking at it he was looking at the other babies like fucking james spader was james spader was looking at the fucking uh the portal in that movie the abyss dork um i uh i don't know man a lot's been going a lot's been going on you know nothing has been going on what am i talking about literally nothing i fucking get up oh my god dude depression is real i mean dude jesus christ i know i like am in like podcast mode right now, but I just, this is a front, man. Jesus Christ. I'm trying here, really. I'm just trying to get to some semblance of a fucking normalcy.

I wake up and the only thing I do is play with my son, talk with Kristen, play with my son talk with my talk with kristin and just fucking work out in my garage like like i'm a fucking john claude van damme character in in captivity just with the tub filling the tub up with the water and putting a rope around it and just lifting it up just like son of a bitch this is what we got. Do you remember that? What is that movie where he fucking filled up the tub? He was in captivity and they had a tub for some reason in the jail. Like what?

What is this? The fucking Four Seasons Penitentiary? He hit a tub and they gave him rope. Who gives fucking people rope in jail? And he just tied it around his self and then tied it around the tub and then filled up the tub and would like do deadlifts with the tub. Fucking movies, you know? Jesus, you know, I won't have to worry about fucking that anytime soon. So I, bro, they fucking cut me out of shit. I did favors. I did favors for people. Somebody was like,

hey, will you be in my movie i was like ah fucking all right they cut me out of that shit i did fate i did favors for for friends i had friends calling me just like hey man so listen what you know that favor you did for me yeah yeah we're just gonna we are not gonna it's too much dude like what is this world oh okay cool you mean that day i fucking came down to all the way to malibu so i could stand in a hot basement for eight hours in a day and do one scene now you're gonna cut me out of that okay cool i think fucking jesus god damn they they took the worst part the worst of the worst though is that they took my fucking, they took my Beat Bobby Flay episode off of YouTube. That was really detrimental to my fucking mental.

Yeah, wow, dude. But I got to fucking talk, I guess, you know. And fuck it, dude. This is still brought to you by me on these. I don't give a shit what they say. and fuck it dude this is still brought to you by me on these i don't give a shit what they say uh so i dude speaking of which dude i thought about this fucking one time in the last eight months one time me and my fucking brother we went to i was this by the way this is something that i don't know if this is a thing or not but i always imagined it was a thing like for some reason

when i was like i guess i would i must have been like eight i must have been older than i don't know if i still lived in new jersey or what but we were in la because our friends had moved there and we it was his birthday and we gave him san jose san jose sharks boxers okay that was his birthday gift and and i remember when we got him it my mom was like what do you want to get him and we got him and and and we were in a store and there were all these cool boxers and it felt like boxers were like a new thing or maybe they started just making prints and shit of like team prints she's like what team do you want to get and we're like let's get him saying we wanted to get him like the la team but didn't la not have a team back then or something no the raiders but they didn't have them.

So we ended up getting the fucking San Jose Sharks. We're like, that's close enough. And I was like, cool, they're blue. That's nice. So we got them boxers and we brought them and we were like,

was boxers like a new thing? No boxers were around in like the forties. Those fucking guys who were fake strong used to wear them all the time in the black and white shows. You know, the guys that would do this a lot or lift a barbell with the two big spheres on it. That's dangerous. And so we got him the boxers and we went to San Marino, I think is where they lived, and we gave it to him.

And we're like, yeah, they're boxer shorts. And he thought you could wear them as shorts too or boxers. And he was like, the cool thing about these is you can wear these under pants or also they can be your pants. And I was like, really? And he was like, yup. He was like, let's go to the store. Let's walk to the candy store.

And so we fucking walked to the candy store and he just he just wore fucking boxers like he just had a shirt on and san jose sharks boxers dude the kid was 12 walking to the candy store with just boxers on whether it's the weekend the beginning of, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws. Like Fresh Promise. Produce is carefully selected and checked for freshness.

And if it's not fresh, it's free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples loblaws is committed to fresh so you get the best fruits and veggies look for new value programs when you shop at loblaws in store and online conditions may apply see in store for details and uh that's something i fucking thought about in the past eight months, so I'm telling it to you guys. But, dude, that's, oh, God, I can't wait to fucking live that kind of shit with my kid,

just to be like, I talk to my dad now, you know, and I just, I ask him about shit, you know, about, like, is it okay if this and that and he's just like it's fine like dude cal kelly hits his fucking head on everything he'll just fucking be standing there and he'll just be like see ya and just do like what's the fucking what's the thing in my head where a guy the image of the guy where he just oh oh what's the fucking image where what's the movie in my head where a guy, the image of the guy where he just, oh, oh, what's the fucking image where, what's the movie where the guy's holding on to the guy and then he just lets go? It's the fucking, and he smiles and lets go? Fucking whatever it is. That's what Cal does.

Dude, there was one time where he was, Cal was, hey, he had the fucking, he had this string that my mom gave him a present and he unwrapped it with this string. And he didn't give a fuck about the present, but he just liked the string. So we tied it around his wrist. And there was one time where he just took it and looked at it. And he went like this and he pulled it across like this. And we went, whoa. And he smiled and he just literally went like this. And fucking tiptoed back.

And I used my mongoose-like reflexes to fucking scoop him up and he was safe. And literally went like this and fucking tiptoed back and i used my mongoose like reflexes to fucking scoop him up and he was safe and i'm a fucking hero for that um i love him so much dude he's almost a year old i can't believe it i'll post some pictures of him probably i don't know how i felt about that earlier, but it just, he's so sweet. And I just, he's just great. He takes my glasses off all the time in the morning. He'll just be like, he'll grab them and then put them in his mouth. I'll be like, I need those.

And I'll put them back on and I'll just do them again and just laugh. Dude, how about having a life where you just think that that's funny over and fucking over again. We were watching Blue's Clues the other day life where you just think that that's funny over and fucking over again we're watching blues clues the other day and the fucking josh guy was just going bing bing bing on his guitar and cali would just go and then he would go bing bing bing bing and kelly would go

bing bing b Dude, that show. I can't even watch these children shows. Even with my kid. Because it's so easy to figure this shit out. And even though my kid doesn't even know how to talk. And all he does is go. It still is like. We'll watch Bubble Guppies.

And it'll be like. Hey. We need to. It'll be like, Hey, we need to, it'll be like, Hey, we need to fucking where, when you see the blue lady bug set, say there it is. And it's just like a blank screen with a blue lady bug on it. And I'm like, fucking it's right there and and cal calvin's just like and i'm like you know it's there right because i want him to know it's there even though he's fucking too young i want him to know that it's fucking there and then the bubble guppies are like hmm looking the bubble guppies show kind of fucking pisses me off because they're dude because they have no legs and they're floating around in the water, but also they're outside, not in the water, floating around.

So it's like, pick one, Bubble Guppies, you know what I'm talking about? And Professor Flounder or whatever the fuck the teacher's name is. Grouper, Mr. Grouper. That guy's like, you know, they're just... In the children's show, This is what I think about the children's shows is that everybody's just a little too stupid. All the characters are just a little too stupid. You know, he'll be like, Hmm, how would I get my haircut? Would I go to the, would I go to the hospital or the barber? And it's just like, I know you're doing it for the kids,

but the kids should be looking at the guy and the guy should be leading the kid. The kid shouldn't be like, you don't know. Excuse me, 45 year old guy who's doing a voice for a fucking fish. You don't know. Hmm. I'm hungry. Should I eat cooked chicken or a shopping cart? in the meantime my son is like you don't know you don't know

maybe i'll eat both fucking eat both so we could sue the bubble guppies um yeah dude but so the bubble guppies i don't know there's another show too that's fucking blues clues is cool i think josh is cool um kristin fucking loves josh she thinks he's like cool she looked him up on instagram and shit he's cool i guess he played aladdin in the um in the fucking on broadway which good thing you already did that because I think now you could probably get canceled for that because he's Filipino I think it needs to be he needs to be an actual anyway um oh at least I don't have to worry about what I say anymore um I was just like oh shit I'm gonna get heat whatever um i uh yeah dude so uh i've

let's see i just watched fucking so many shows man that was like my home for a while like i was so so and am still so broken and upset and depressed and sad that like I live man dude I my last special was called no pain because I didn't have any fucking pain in my life and it's so funny because people will come up to me now this is a very David Brent moment but like people come up to me and they say hey like your comedy got me through some rough times I would watch your shit I'd watch a podcast I would just stand up when I was going through a rough time and it would take my mind off it. And I never understood that. I never fucking got that, man.

I never understood that. I would be like, well, can't you just like think about whatever in your head or like convince yourself you're not upset, bro? The answer is no. And I'm 40 years old. I didn't know that shit, but now I've got depth, bro. I'm in so much fucking pain and yeah it's hilarious like on the i understand the humor in it but man let me tell you the joy i would get the fucking joy i would

get from watching lost or fucking love island just the joy i would get from watching love island to watch these fucking idiots just like yeah i guess i'll couple up with her now because i got but i got mugged off dude i watched do you guys watch this love island show by the way i watch it every night and there's six seasons of the british ones two seasons of the australian ones and i think three seasons or two seasons of the american ones now i only watch a little bit of the American one because Americans are just kind of fucking – I hate saying this, dude, because my friend is always like loves British shit, and I'm always like, bro, just be British. Just be fucking British if you love British people so much, you know?

My friend – all the guy has to do is come out in like a fucking high turtleneck and be like, I don't know, how are you you and he's like dude this guy this guy's great all the guy has to do is be smoking a pipe in a row and has to say like all right cheerio then and my buddy's like dude what's up with men how come americans aren't like this but i'm telling you right now the fucking british and australian versions of love island man i watched this fucking shit it was my church you understand it was my okay everything's gonna be okay i'd watch these fucking characters i don't even i just want to fucking have a Love Island podcast is what I want to have. That's how much I love this show. And I fucking hate reality TV.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate reality TV. The Kardashians, I don't care. I got to, I got to, like the fact that the Kardashians are so famous and now I have to hear about them every single fucking day of my life because they just have a reality show and everybody fucking knows knows them and now i gotta be like oh she tweeted this kanye tweeted that

chris jenner tweeted this the fucking other one tweeted that i don't even know who they are but i know who they are you know so now i gotta fucking i hate reality all the bachelor i you know i watched the bachelor i watched the new new Bachelor at the one with the girl with all the guys. I like watching the one with the girl with all the guys. I don't like watching all the girls with the guy. But whatever that one is. So we watched that. And I was like, I don't really care, you know, but Love Island, dude, the fucking show is brutal.

People like the British one better than the Australian one. But the Australian one one i like a lot because of the certain characters that i fucking fell for dude there's a guy named jackson in this love island australia that is hey man okay so fucking i this is a real thing thing i'm describing okay he is a guy who looks just like charlie hunnam like people on love island thought he was charlie hunnam and thought that he was lying about who he was which is an idiot you can tell if it's Charlie Hunnam or not just by using looking. Ugh. But you didn't?

Okay, fine. Some people have that facial recognition thing where they can't fucking understand who anyone is just by looking at their faces. They need to, like, look at their clothes and also see names and hear their voices. Okay. Maybe that's you. If it is, fix yourself. But still, if that's how you are, change it and fix yourself. But fine. My buddy swears that he has fucking that.

And he's just like, I don't know who that is, man. And I'm just like, you've met him nine times. And he's just like, I have that thing where I can't understand who someone is because of their face. I need to hear their voice and I need to see what they're doing. And I'm like, all right, dude. He also thinks he has that thing where he can feel colors which is fucking not a thing so anyway this guy looks just like fucking charlie hunnam and he acts like charlie hunnam and his name is jackson and And Charlie Hunnam's character in Sons of Anarchy is named Jackson.

K. And his last name is Human. dude his last name is human oh hey dude you changed your name to Jackson cause Charlie Hunnam's character's name in fucking Sons of Anarchy, his name is Jackson.

And you changed your last name to human. Just do it. Just change your whole thing to Charlie Hunnam. That would be the shit. Dude, if you legally change your name to just charlie hunnam and you looked like him but here's the fucking best part about the whole thing dude he has a fucking sons of anarchy back tattoo that's the size of a goat okay it's the size of a fucking armadillo and it's on the back and it says sons of anarchy ha and that's all good but ha okay you got a sense of anarchy tattoo sides of an armadillo on your back now it's all good but also ah now chew dune

and he's a fucking stripper that's it dude that's it he's a stripper and he did a stripper dance to one of the girls and when he did it he fucking came out with a slide like an usher slide and his hair which was gelled back fucking jutted forward a little bit and i fell down i fell down dude nothing is funnier than a guy who thinks he's the shit nothing is funnier than the guy who thinks he's playing it cool when he's not and he's the shit dude and on the british love island there's a guy okay dude you gotta fucking listen to me man this reality show is the best fucking reality show there's a guy in love island that is a fucking dude he's coupled up with this girl he falls in love with this girl and he's so

insecure and he's always trying to make sure the girl likes him and shit and the fucking producers of love island put the fucking put his ex they introduce his ex on the island so now the ex is on the island and he's trying to make sure that the girl is okay and he's all like no it's cool it's my ex i'm all over her it's fine but we're all over everything's over it's fine i'm with my new girl now and he starts the way he plays it cool i have to play you the just the audio of it just the audio of it i texted it to my friends last night and i said this is the funniest thing that has ever happened on tv you motherfuckers and i'm going to show you it but i need to give you context first so this guy fell in love with this girl on love island and has been dating her

for three weeks and every now and then they introduce a new guy or girl on love island and it really shakes things up because it tests people's relationships obviously so three and a half weeks into this show this guy who fell in love with this girl's ex shows up on Love Island. His current girl is pissed naturally, and he's trying to make sure she's okay and reassure her. But this dude obviously is really shook by his ex showing up and still has at least some feelings for her. So he's walking away with his current girl, trying to make sure she's okay, and this is what happens. His name is Tom. So I'm just going to play the audio of it.

There's nothing I think that is funnier than this type of thing. I think if you listen to this podcast, you know that. That's what she said. So she's here to get you back. To get back at you. So is it going to bother you? Is it going to bother you? Not at all.

There it is. No, you're basically happy about it, Tom. No, because I'm just happy about it. Bro, okay. No, it's fine. I don't care. I don't care. It's all good.

It's all good. All right, good. Okay, good. She walks in the other room. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things. Why did you stop being so happy about it? He's like, no, I'm just not bothered oh so bothered dude if you're a guy and you start to fucking say nah shit's cool and then you sing a song you might as well say hey i'm about to cry

if i was like i lost my job it's the best thing that ever happened to me though isn't that cool you raised me up if i was on fucking mountains you'd be like hey that guy is about to cry if i was like yeah my dad just died but it's all good we've had weird issues and it's probably better off this way what's the song We've had weird issues, and it's probably better off this way. What's the song? Hey, dude, you know what? My fucking chops aren't as good as they were.

I can literally only think of a Josh Groban song, so that's cool. Yay. Hey, my dad's all good. Oh, yeah, cool. Okay, cool. What's that fucking? fucking dude he sang the fucking salt and pepper song of all songs let's talk about sex and me let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk about sex or just what's the fucking hey yeah

my dad died but it's all good we had fucking unresolved issues and i'm probably better off that way it's just a weight off my shoulders really yep oh he's about to cry just walking in a field with a leather jacket on anyway dude that show is a fucking laugh i love how british dudes call fucking girls birds you know disrespectful yeah i could nick a bird couldn't i yeah you know you catch me at a club i'll nick a bird really yeah hey that's an animal no talking about one of those fucking parrots i mean what bird are you even talking about it's so shitty you know yeah you know fucking penguin you know she's fat on the bottom you know she walks around like a fucking like she's squashing ants dude my mom has one friend that waddles

she fucking holds her purse and she walks like that um but yeah no what the fuck was i talking about the the the fucking birds it's an animal dude how do how do british women let men get away with that shit. Yeah, I could nick a bird at a club. Any other animal? Awful. Yeah. Yeah, there's some fucking pigs coming this way. Look at that. Yeah, I can't wait to fuck a pig.

Yeah, yeah, she's a dirty pig yeah rolling around and shitting it like a fucking pig hey look free pigs coming up just so shitty yeah look rats hey look bird for some reason is nice maybe birds are pretty they're not all pretty though they got thin necks sometimes i watched breaking bad that show's so fucking good i watched lost that show's my favorite show dude ever i watched loss kristen would get so mad and be like again dude she doesn't want to binge shit when i fucking find a show i like i like like one percent of shows because all shows pretty much fucking blow dicks you know all all shows are just they're like it's like the music tells you how to feel and the fucking they're all indicating all the actors are like yeah i'd like that and you're like nobody says that shit

i just i i don't know i you know or they're saying shit like oh this isn't how it's supposed or you know it's just i mean they got fucking queen latifah playing the equalizer she's 50 oh she's just like a 50 year old woman doing like fucking roundhouse kicks on like healthy 28 year old men and you go on twitter and people are just like hell yeah more of this are people in the midwest watching this shit and then no there's people in the fucking that part of oklahoma that's that little sliver they're like what the fuck is going on what is this shit

you know what the fuck is going on here that ain't denzel you got a fucking lady on here she's 50 she looks like she should be behind a desk at a bank she did a fucking roundhouse kick on a 28 year old guy that looks like zangief what the fuck she's just some lady that looks like a fucking live i'm sorry dude she looks like a librarian man and she's just gonna come out and if you need help i'm the one if i need help with what filing books if i need help with what it's like dude it's so overly correct we'll get a black 50 year old lady to play the fucking equalizer she'll set set she'll set shit straight i swear to god dude everyone's fucked okay all right fine you know what it is just as unbelievable as fucking denzel doing all the shit that he does in the equalizer but at least like oh we gotta we gotta we gotta we gotta we gotta know now she can kick ass i'm sure she could beat

anybody up that's fine it's fine that's the thing make the show wonder woman that's the thing that's my argument make it she has superpowers that's the thing if it's not jason statham or the rock or fucking liam Neeson, make it be a fucking someone with superpowers, you know? Like, there's some guys I don't even believe the shit on. What's his name? Like Tom Holland. He's Spider-Man.

There you go. That's good. He's got superpowers. I believe it. You put Tom Holland in fucking Equalizer equalizer like what's this guy doing he should be nicking birds um i don't know my son it's crazy.

To think that I have a kid now, man. Like, you know when you have a kid and you're just like, wow, I have a fucking kid? When does that go away? It's been 11, almost 12 months. And like, I miss him now. He is so great, like, when I,

think about him, I watch, you know, I watch videos, of him, like when I, I go, I do one thing,

every day, I go get a coffee, and I drive back home, and I, sometimes when I'm waiting for my coffee, I just look at videos of him, and I just fucking home and I sometimes away my for my coffee I just look at videos of him and I just fucking I'm smiling like a fucking asshole so weird I used to spend that time like looking at fucking porn or chicks or some shit and uh it's weird to think like i think this boy saved my life man i i uh

it's not like anything else you can't you can't compare it to anything else for those of you that don't have kids it's like football's like baseball it's a sport you know for those of you that don't have kids. It's like football's like baseball. It's a sport, you know? Coffee's like, you drink, oh yeah, what's it like? You'd be like, yeah, it's like a fucking, you know, you've had other drinks.

But having a kid isn't like anything. You can be like, is it like having a pet? And you're like, no, it's not. It's nothing like that. It's its own thing. He's so cool. I'm going to post some pictures of him, I think, on Instagram in a little bit if you want to check it out. Just because it's what I've been up to.

He looks like me too, dude. He's got the eyebrows. Immediately had the eyebrows. It was just like a no-brainer that he was my kid. If you ever had to worry about that, this wasn't one of those times. And he fucking knows what's up too. He does like,

he'll make you laugh and then make you laugh again. It's crazy. I don't mean to be, I'm being i'm being boring being one of those fucking dads um yeah i don't know i don't even know if i fucking how long has it been 40 i guess i could go for a little bit longer this guy made this book he sent it to me which means a lot by the way you know i know i've been out and i haven't been online really that that much at all but i have gotten some messages and a lot of you guys have been really sweet and i really uh i really uh i really you know those messages make you feel really because man i got fucking fucked by friends. My friends just didn't give a fuck.

A lot of them, you know, Hollywood's crazy. Yeah. That was really hard to deal with. And it is. It is really hard to deal with. But, you know, I think some people didn't reach out because they thought they didn't want to bother me. But those of you that did, you know who you are.

And it helped, man. But, yeah, this book got sent to me. This guy sent this book. Um, Rob sent me a note, which was really sweet. And he made this, uh, congratulations, log, Gabbit rule book, volume one, which is, uh, it uh it's funny man and i was reading this shit and some of the shit i said is so dumb you know i'm like an idiot and the fact that like you like some people like it is just uh humbling uh but anyway i don't know i think he made like three of them and he gave me one of them anyway I read it to Calvin every night

before he goes to bed just so he knows the fucking rule son it's time for bed let's open up the congratulations rule book let's do this just remember son Rule 241 If you know what day it is You have a fucking office job

Good night Like this is the shit I said Just remember son You fucking putting coffee scrub on your body in the shower You hookin' Good night Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding dude everybody's looking for blues clues i'll fucking sing it in the shower i don't give a shit

and fucking kristen knows all the words i don't know how the fuck she knows all the words because i just hear the fucking notes and she's just like step by step clue by clue and i'm just like how do you know it she's like i hear it all the time i'm like i hear it all the time too but i don't know this shit um anyway i guess that's it man i don't know i'll do another one i think i'm gonna probably put some of this shit on patreon um because i don't have you. I don't know. I'll do another one. I think I'm going to probably put some of this shit on Patreon because I don't have fucking sponsors. It is fucking crazy the shit that happened. And I'll probably get dragged for saying stuff like that. All good, man.

What else can you take? I got all that matters got my fam uh and thanks for listening dude i'll do another episode in a week or whatever and i think i'm gonna set something up where like i'll do a patreon and maybe like you'll have a an episode a month or two episodes a month at a certain tier but i'll get that going um and i'll talk more about this whole fucking thing my journey and whatever the fuck i hate when people say yeah my journey like everyone is in that everyone is a brendan frazier character but i um yeah i don't know i just had to get picky to it man i haven't done a podcast dude and i wanted to post shit and but man i was just so down and i I still am, but like, I don't know.

I figure you got to start sometime. And shout out to all of the friends and the fans too, man. A lot of you guys wrote me and were sweet, but man, shout out to the friends that fucking kept checking in and texting me. Thanks for listening. And you guys, I'll talk to you soon. Okay, bye. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob! You scared the fuck out of me! I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker right in the motherfucking mouth! Motherfucker!