Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 182. Johnny Figures-It-Out

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

🎉 Join the Patreon for the uncut episode and the bonus episodes! https://patreon.com/chrisdelia On today's show Chris talks about DMX and Ja Rule, leaving notes for the food delivery guy, and how awesome it is to be a father. He also shares some family stories about stealing from your pharmacist, the burning pain of contacts, and his dad's new toaster. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Congratulations. Yeah, guys, what is frigging up, dude? What is frigging up? Gotta say frigging up gotta say frigging more like a mormon you know i have to

actually because i have a kid and i just have a potty mouth and i don't need to have a potty mouth around my kid because pretty soon he's going to be up to of the age where one time my grandma was changing my cousin Nick's diaper and he couldn't talk and he wasn't like letting her change the diaper. And she says, oh, you're full of shit. And he says, full of shit. And Matt and I laughed and laughed and laughed. And Matt's my brother. If you're not a listener, if you are, you know who Matt is. Yeah. So, you know who matt is um yeah so you know i'm i'm i'm doing actually a bunch of episodes in a row here so i don't know what's which ones are going to come out when which ones are going to come out before or after or whatever but um news came out today that uh dmx passed away and it was a little bit like is he did he pass away or not for like four days?

And, um, I just kind of listened to his album a little bit and, um, I, um, God, that guy was just fucking talented, you know, like some guys were just rough around the edges, but had it. And it just kind of like flowed through them. and he was that way i felt when i was not when i was what was i when it came out 1997 i think the first uh album maybe 99 i think it's 97 and i was a huge tupac fan obviously you know i still am but when the fucking when that dark man x shit came out first of all when i first heard that song the first song i heard was when my dog's at and i was just like this guy's really barking he's really really barking this guy is ellen barking and uh he's like butters you know what i mean and the the cover was cool and i was just like finally

someone does it you know i was like maybe he's not as good as tupac but he's doing it like that on that level and um i just loved his stuff um it was just the right amount of dark to, I mean, cause like, dude, you would like, I was a fucking 17 year old kid in La Cunada and I would be listening to that. And I would be like, you know what? It is dark and hell fucking is hot, dude. Like, and he, the thing about him is he knew it. So I knew it. You understand?

the thing about him is he knew it so i knew it you understand you can get to a level of artistry where you're telling someone the truth and that's your truth artistically and whether or not they think that they believe it while you're saying it and that's when a song can fucking knock you out or you know a painting you look at and you're just like, wow, or whatever it is. Um, and that's what he had, man. So I wanted to start this, uh, off with just appreciation for him, man, because man, that shit was, I mean, he, he was, he was fucking, he was good dude. And his music will live on. And I don't know if the fucking kids like it, but I'm going to make Calvin listen to it when he gets older. And I'm going to be like, see, son, it is dark and hell is hot. Um, God, dude,

um god dude the lawnmower sits right next to the tree that that's it and that no there are so many good dmx lines i'm from 44th i'm from 44th street and blah blah the most gangster street of all time um where you from where you from oh i i live in? Oh, I live in Union Square. What, like 14th and... Yeah, 14th and 10th. Where are you from? I'm from 44th Street and blah, blah, ave. I'm from 44th Street and blah, blah, ave. I love hip-hop that doesn't even really try,

but also tries, you know? He's like... Like I said when fucking... What's his name? Guru. Rest in peace, Guru. But when he said, I fucking, what's his name? Guru. Rest in peace, Guru. But when he said, I love the cutie pies, never the doody pies. And I'm just like, dude, he doesn't love the doody pies.

That's what makes him special. He's not just saying the shit. He's not bow-wow-wow, yippee-yoh, yippee-yay-in over it. He means it. Anyway, so that's what's up um what does want from and you can't even like if you're in a a fucking in public what these want from what these want from the radio version what a person wants from somebody just so vague what a person wants from somebody come on and let me know huh if you heard that the first time what what a person wants from somebody love buddy love no the exact opposite um yeah so love it what these brodies want why do they what's that

what's that jaw that was a jaw rule thing come on jaw rule um jaw rule was like the game show game show host version of of dmxX was like, uh, uh, yes. And Jarbo was like, come on now, contestant number one. Come on down. We're going to guess what, you got to say a bunch of stuff, and we got to guess the noun. You understand? Lisa, you ready?

Yeah. Your partner is Dan. Say hi, Dan. Hi, all. All right, Lisa's going to have to tell you what something is without actually saying what it is. Okay. All right. Here we go.

Go. It's like a murder. It's murder. Okay, this was a really bad idea to have Ja Rule host this. Fucking pyramid game. It's murder. Okay, Ja Rule, god damn it, man. It's hard to edit it out because we're all on the same audio channel.

My bad, my bad my bad we couldn't use dmx he's too street we got you because you're the game show host version of dmx right my bad so can we please yeah here we go hey carl say hi carl hi your partner is Jake. You got to say a bunch of stuff without saying a word. Go. All right. So first of all, it's murder. All right.

Same joke twice. That's what I do. That's what I do. I don't do it once because I want to do it twice. Sometimes I want to do it three times. Sometimes you're lucky I don't do it four times, dude. How kristen she has to live with me i do the joke sometimes fucking 20 times until people laugh and then i kick back and relax back to reality oops um yeah dude that's how it is and it's dark and hell is hot dude we think hell's room temp no um

so yeah uh i uh i wrote some stuff down actually man because there was stuff i missed um in the uh oh i cut my hair a little bit more dude i gotta stop i'm like a fucking heroin addict with my hair you're gonna i'm gonna show up one day i'm gonna be like bruce willis they're gonna be like why is why is fucking why is bruce willis hosting congratulations um yeah dude i i fucking it's so sure it's getting shorter but the thing is i saw a picture of me and the shit was popping out like the back of my head was popping out like i looked like jfk a little bit taking a ride in a cadillac and i'm just like gotta cut that um it's murder and um so yeah so i had to fucking do that and then i cut my hair and now it looks fucking good dude and kristin videotaped me cutting it and they're dude she was trying to make fun of me with a friend and guess what didn't matter because I fucking internalized it and stood stronger that's what

you got to do when somebody makes fun of you you got to breathe in and just stand like an archangel inside your body not actually stand like an archangel but imagine yourself standing you know how they'd say like Bruce Lee is like you you the one inch punch you're supposed to punch through the chest you're supposed to punch through the chest envision punching through through the chest that's what i would do when someone makes fun of me i stand like an archangel and then you know obviously when it gets way too hot and thousands and thousands and thousands of people are making fun of you, you get really depressed. But anyway, dude, um, you know, you go up and down life and it's just fucking like today I was just, I found myself talking to my friend and we were having a real

conversation and all of a sudden broke the fuck down. And the sweetest thing about it was man, um, he broke the fuck down too with me. And that's what you know, that's when you know, you got a fucking road dog, you know? And it's like, it may be dark and hell may be hot, but we're both here together. Um, so yeah, so that's where I'm at. Definitely, you know, whatever, but it's good. And now I feel good because I drank a little bit of coffee and I started thinking about DMX and he made me feel good about that shit.

And, uh, so fucking life rips again, but life always rips. Just remember life always rips bottom line. Life always rips because it is what you make it no matter what. Just live inside your head, baby. Just live inside your head. Uh, that's what I do. I love thinking about shit during the day. Just thinking, just drifting off and just thinking you ever do that. You ever doing like either working so hard day after day or just actually not day after day, just chilling? Sometimes you're just into the mundane process of the day and then you just drift off, man. You just drift the fuck off and you start thinking about shit.

You just start thinking about anything, man. Sometimes I think about fucking like today, I thought about about oh man christmas was fun with my family you know i just had that that week or two where we were just chilling and nothing was going on in the world and we were just hanging having a good time and it was calvin's first christmas and yeah he cried when i was santa but it was just nice and then i remember also i put my contact in my eyes, and for some reason, my eye, it was fucking, it was hellishly burning. My eye, dude, how come? So this has happened two or three times in my life.

I put my contact in, and all of a sudden, it's Armageddon. It's Armageddon in my eyeball. And dude, I get pissed, because why is it Armageddon in my eyeball. And dude, I get pissed because why is it Armageddon in my eyeball? That's what I want to know. Okay. Now it was Armageddon in my eyeball on Christmas, this past Christmas. I put my contact in my eye and all of a sudden, if you ever have like hot heat in your eye, if you have hot, hot heat in your eye, the eye shuts, dude. It's like one of those Star Wars doors that you're never going to get through. It just goes, and your eye is shut. 15 minutes, bare minimum, dude, bare minimum, 15 minutes. And I walked out at Christmas with my eye and I was like, ma, now I'm 40

and I'm screaming at my mom because my eye hurts. Now, why am I doing that? Is it because I'm a pussy? No, it's because I'm at her house. If I was at my house, I would just internalize it, breathe like an archangel, and chill, and be pissed at myself because my situation got me there. But I'm staying at my parents' house over Christmas, even on Christmas morning. I wash my hands with my mom's soap, and I put this thing in my eye, and it shuts like a Star Wars door. Now, you look at the difference. You look at what you were doing and you look at what you are doing.

What have I been doing putting my contact in for the last however many years? Well, I've been at my house or I've been in a hotel room or I've been in, well, those are the only two places. But this time I was at my mom's house. So my eye shut like a star wars door and i walk out and i say ma i'm blind what's the deal with the soap and she said huh i said it hurts so fucking bad you don't understand and she was like oh it's fine and i and that was the thing that fucking took the knife from inside my belly to up into my chest dude my

mom looked at me and goes like this. The knife was already in because my eyeball was hurting and she goes like this. Ah, it's okay. So now I have a huge gash in my stomach, metaphorically, but my eyes shut realistically. And I say, well, what the fuck is going on?

Is it soap? What's in the soap? What's in the soap? Acid, dude? Did you drop the Joker in there? What's going on with that man and she's like no it's fine just wash it again and then put the fuck it's okay sorry you'll get over it and i'm mad because when i'm upset i want people to be upset with me dude when i'm upset i want everybody in the room to be upset with me so we can all get through it. Okay?

That's just how your boy lives. That's your boy's truth. Okay? So I was like, all right, fuck it, man. It's one eye. I still got the other. So I travel back to the bathroom that has way too many tchotchkes in it because my mom. My mom has so many tchotchkes, dude.

It's unbelievable. It's like the room where they found the fucking Holy Grail in Indiana Jones. We were like, what the fuck? What is all this shit? And she treats each object like it's the actual Holy Grail. And she's like, this is the one. This needs to go here. This Kleenex box goes on top of this ceramic cat.

And I'm sitting there like, all right, whatever, just get out. Let me do my other fucking contact, please. So I take my other contact. I wash my hands thoroughly and I take my other contact, put it in my eye. Guess what, dude?

I guess we're doing the Star Wars trilogy because this one shuts like a fucking Star Wars door too. And now I'm screaming. I'm screaming, dude. And here's who's at my house. Me, my mom, my dad, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, and also Kristen. And I'm saying, hey, ma, what the fuck? I can't see shit.

It's so blurry. I walk outside, across the living room, across the kitchen into the other bathroom to fucking wash my eyes out. Okay. Nobody's saying shit. I get I'm 40, but come on, dude, have some compassion. Nobody's saying shit. I can't see shit. It's a miracle. I even got to the other bathroom. I'm like fucking Ray Charles in this shit. I knew where I was going. I'm Spider-Man. Because I heard my mom being like,

and I'm like, it's bouncing off me and I'm like, if she's over there, then that ricocheted off the island, the kitchen island, and then it fucking

bounced off the ceramic cat and then the tissues sound like it muffled it. So the bathroom must be over here. I'm not Spider-Man, Daredevil. Who gives a fucking shit, dude?

They're all red. Daredevil, Spider-Man, Superman. superman get different colors dude make a new color marvel dc whatever the fuck it is image comics and um so anyway dude i'm in the other bathroom now i'm in two bathrooms that's how much my eyes hurt and i'm crying my eyes out not because i'm sad but because i mean i am sad internally but because my eyes are fucking burning i'm sad because my situation but the eyes are burning that's why i'm crying my eyes out. Not because I'm sad, but because I mean, I am sad internally, but because my eyes are fucking burning. I'm sad because my situation, but the eyes are burning. That's why I'm crying. I'm not even crying because I'm sad. Like I did today. I'm crying because I'm burning. I'm not crying like I am. Sometimes when I get in the car and I drive away and I think about my situation, I'm crying because my eyes are burning because whatever the fuck is in my mom's floral ass soap that you got at fucking apple cart.

my mom's floral ass soap that you got at fucking apple cart. It's a store in La Cunada. They have much more than just apples. And it's way bigger than a cart. Fucking call it things store. Dude. Oh yeah. I want to walk in there and be like,

oh yeah. Is this really, really? Hey dude, can I get a fucking bag of apples? Oh, you don't have it. I noticed that ceramic cap. My mom has it. I'm fucking out and just moonwalk out. Anyway, I fucking hear my dad and he's just like, Chris. And I'm just like, no. And I'm in the other bathroom sitting on the toilet. I have my pants on and also the seats down. I'm using it like a chair and i'm like i can't see dude do you understand it's burning and my eyes are watering and they're like it'll be okay and i'm like okay but like just fucking

say like ah fuck man that sucks that's all i need and then and then I need like 30 minutes later to be like that fucking sucked about my eyes huh and then I need people to be like yeah dude fucking that sucks man does it still like feel okay does it still hurt and I'll be like yeah it's like a little residual but I'm okay and then we can talk about whatever the fuck you want dude it's like my parents won't give it to me dude they won't fucking give it to me i get fucking sad yeah man i think there was a text chat in here that you that you sent me about it right let's see what the fucking text thing was because i i remember i thought about this a bunch and um it was like months later i think uh let me look it up in my texts here. Uh, and, uh, I brought it up in

the, in the, in the family chat. It should be a, here we go. A screenshot. Oh, here we go. Yeah. And it was, when was it? Um, I don't know when it was, doesn't say, but I said just out of the blue, this was maybe not even a month ago. And I write, you guys didn't react enough when I burned my eyes on Christmas. And my dad said, by the way, that no ha ha bubbles, no love bubbles, no upper dad, not even, they didn't even disrespect me. They anti-respected me. I got the anti-respect. None of that. Just give me a thumbs down. Like I i always say when you're in a fucking room and you're trying to do stand-up don't not laugh at least boo so i could feel like somebody laugh sure but don't not laugh don't be the guy at the comedy show that's just chilling you might

as well have sunglasses on and you're like brought my date what. What? Is it a TED Talk? At least boo. At least go boo. I want to know how you really feel, man. So, yeah. I said, you guys didn't react enough when I burned my eyes on Christmas. And then my dad writes, that's right. We didn't.

And to add insult to injury, to take that knife that's been sitting there for months in my chest and look me in the eyes and push it up to my neck. Someone gives him a ha ha. Dude, someone gives him a ha ha bubble. So not only do I get no ha ha bubble, when I bring up the fucking hilarity, my dad that's right we didn't and he gets a haha bubble now I can't tell who did it because it's a screenshot so you can't click on it but I bet that that person is sitting right here in this room right now

and then someone says oh no then my mom says and will. Okay. So let's just fucking trace it back. You guys didn't, I say, you guys didn't react out of the blue. Nobody was texting each other all day. I say, you guys didn't react enough. When I burned my eyes on Christmas, my dad hits me back with, that's right. We didn't someone ha ha's him. I didn't get one. And then after that, my mom agrees with my dad and says, and we never will. And then my mom gets a ha ha. Okay. Now this is why I'm really pissed is because my dad already did the joke. If you want to give him the ha ha and not me the ha ha fine, but don't give the person who does the same joke after my dad, another fucking ha ha. Sure enough, there's a ha ha. And I have a feeling that the person who

did it is sitting right here in this fucking room right now. And then I write, doubling down, standing my ground, dude, imagining myself as a fucking archangel, sitting in my fucking absolute positivity. And I write back, it really burned a lot. I get nothing, dude. And then my mom writes, what a doofus. With an exclamation point. Have you heard someone call someone else a doofus in the past 25 years?

Because I didn't. I only heard doofus when the word doofus came out, and for a month or two, it was gone after that. My mom held on to that like a seven-year-old me and some Halloween candy, dude. I used to hold fucking Almond Joys to next Halloween, and I'd be like, Ma, can I still eat this? And she'll be like, hey, son, that's stale, you doofus.

Then my dad follows up with my mom, who already slammed me, and he writes, good thing you're texting about it now, though. Sarcasm. Now, if you read that in a script, it would say dripping with sarcasm above it. No ha-has. Then I write, because I know my son, Calvin agrees with me. And my mom says, prove it. And then my dad says, a baby always recognizes another baby. And he got a ha-ha. recognizes another baby. And he got a ha-ha.

And then I, pretty much it was done, but then I said, did you guys believe that it hurt so much? And then I don't see what's beyond that because it was a text, it was a screenshot.

What a fucking asshole I am for real. Whatever, dude, my parents made me. And I met Calvin and that dude pretty much, I'm sure, understands why

my eyes were hurt so bad i'm gonna tell him when he gets older i'm gonna tell him you know one day my eyes were hurt so bad and then this happened and then so that's what me and my family were doing i actually look i know who did the hahas because kristin sent me the fucking screenshot and the hahas are blue which means that those are the ones that she did for fuck's sake dude i'm a detective i've fucking figured it out and when you figure it out that's the fucking best feeling in the world oh your hahas are blue well i know who did it whether it's the weekend the beginning of, or the end of the school year, Celebration Cookies celebrate good times.

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Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Um, so anyway, Postmates won't stop ringing my doorbell when i order it all that happens is i fucking put up a sign that says don't ring the doorbell please baby you sleep down and they fucking show up and i there's no way they don't see the sign and they fucking ring the doorbell. I know. Why? Oh, wait, no. So here's what actually happened. I fucking put in the Postmates thing. Please don't ring the doorbell. A baby is sleeping. They don't read the notes on Postmates apparently. And I can

say that now because they're not sponsors of this show. Uber Eats drivers read the notes. Uber Eats drivers read the notes. I write in Uber Eats, hey guys, please don't ring the doorbell. Have a toddler. And every time, I don't even know who delivers the food. It's like a goddamn ninja works for Uber Eats. Sometimes I'm just like, I hear, I'm like, oh, the food's here. Oh, what the fuck? The food's here, dude. I think I just saw a flash of a sword getting in a fucking Prius. Um, I saw a fucking Uber driver, an Uber Eats guy with a dope car

today. It was weird as fuck. This pandemic is getting everybody. Anyway, so I get so sick of this. And when your boy gets pissed, he works on it and he's been working on it and he's been in therapy for it over the last bunch of months and he's trying to not get pissed because he learned that anger is a huge reason for why he is the way that he is. And he wants to just be chilling. He wants to be sweet. And Kristen says, be nice.

And I say, you know what? You're right. But when I say, you know what? You're right. I feel heat bubbling in my chest. So I got to get rid of that. So I talked to my therapist about it and I try to be good about it.

But this Postmates thing, it happens every time. Postmates shows up, ding dong, 11 a.m. dong 11 11 i tell dude ding dong 11 p.m good thing my baby sleeps like a rock um so yeah so i say you know what i'm leaving a fucking note i'll show it on the podcast but i wrote a note on half of a paper towel with a Sharpie and the note was crinkled up. And I wrote leave food with an arrow under it. And then next to that, I wrote no ring like a fucking, I mean, it's on a paper towel with a sharp, with a half, with a Sharpie that's running out of ink, and it's spelled like a fucking Japanese guy trying to learn English. Leave food no ring.

Leave food no ring. So I fucking put it there, and Kristen opens the door for something else during the day and she comes back and when she comes back she looks at me like it's raining tomato soup cans outside and i say what's going on and she goes are you fucking kidding me and i'm like this is about the cheating and she's like no this is about the fucking this and she shows me the thing and it looks like a fucking ransom note and i and she says this can't be on our front door and i say why not it's fucking to the point it's succinct and she says because it looks like a fucking ransom note and i say well what the fuck who cares and, I care, which is something that I just won't ever understand. Who cares?

It's just a sign. Dude, she ordered one on Amazon that says like, she was like so, she was like, not mad, but she was like, you can't talk, you can't have this. You have to talk nice to people. I'm like, it's a sign. She's like, even on a sign, you can't just say leave food, no ring.

They're going to be like, oh, the biggest jackass of all time lives at the fucking, it looks like he's on toilet paper, to be honest. It's just no respect. And I'm like, they're not showing me fucking respect. Dude, I come from a family. Do you understand? I come from a family. My dad's great uncle used to go to this drug store and get his medication. And every time the guy went into the back room

to get the medication, my uncle stole something, a little piece of thing, whatever it was, 99 cents. It was probably 4 cents back then because it was fucking the year 1290 or however old it was when my dad had a fucking great grandpa or a great uncle. And one day my grandpa went in, his brother, that guy's brother. And he said, listen, the drugstore guy said, listen, um, my dad told me this story when I

was a kid. He said, listen to this, to, to, to my, to my grandpa, my dad's dad, um, your brother, you know, he's, I know he's getting older and um it doesn't really it doesn't really bother me and i i don't want to bring it up to him because he's never really stealing anything big but i know every time i go back to get his pills he he takes something from the store and i don't want to make a big deal out of it but could you maybe just talk to him and and get him to stop doing it? This was back in the fucking 40s or whatever. This is when people used to just be like, hey, let's work it out on our own, you know?

Hey, look, I know you're stealing from me, but you talk to him and you talk to the other guy. It's a real Italian thing. How about you just talk to him and he talk, you have a talk, you have a sit down. You used to sit down, you get Jimmy to talk to him and then Paulie will come in and you have a sit down you used to sit down you get jimmy to talk to him and then paulie will come in and you talk you have a good time carmine's there he'll give you his blessing and nobody be stealing from anybody i could give him his pills you understand i'm gonna have to fucking throw him out so he my grandpa grandpa bam used to call him because he used to be skinny uh like a bamboo stick which he wasn't by the time I was alive.

But he goes and he talks to his brother, my dad's great uncle. And he says, now remember, my dad told me this when I was a kid. And he says, hey, I got to talk to you. And my dad, my grandpa's brother, I forget his name, but he says, yeah. And Bam says, you know, I was at the drugstore and the guy knows you're stealing from him. And he just doesn't want you to do it anymore. And that's all. So if you could just do it, you know, for me.

And my dad's great uncle or my dad's great uncle says, yeah, yeah, I know he knows. And my grandpa says, huh? And he says, I know he knows. And he says, well, if you know, he knows, why do you do it? And he said, that's why I do it. His prices are ridiculous. He's robbing me. So whenever he goes back to get my pills that I have to pay high price for, I take a little something so it's even. That was the inception of... Ugh. Ugh. That was the ugh inception, dude.

That was the fucking four of them just sitting in a van going backwards into the fucking that lake bed in the movie with fucking leonardo dicaprio my grandpa was leonardo dicaprio and my fucking great uncle was tom hardy and then my dad was the asian guy and then whoever else was the fuck in it we always forget and they were just uh dad was the Asian guy, and then whoever else was the fuck in it, we always forget, and they were just, it was the inception, dude, and he's like, my dad told me that when I was fucking like 10,

so my point is, Postmates, he's going to ring the doorbell, he's going to get, hebell. He's going to get... He's not going to listen to the note on the app? He's going to get a half-assed note on some fucking shit paper with a half-used Sharpie written like a fucking Japanese. That's what you're going to get. I'm not fucking... What am I going to do do have a streamer and a parade and a fucking no

you fuck with me you get a dirty sign so I tell this to Chris Kristen and she says oh you're a crazy person but I'm not, dude. Tit for tat. Anyway, we now have a really nice flowery frilly fucking sign that we got from Amazon Prime and it looks stupid in front of the doorway and it says, please on it and then don't ring the

doorbell. We have a sleeping baby. So I'm a bitch. doorbell we have a sleeping baby so i'm a bitch and that's the fucking story dude she's taking liberties it's my song now, dude. All good. Dad's got a fucking, my dad has a toaster and it's got too many buttons. So I'm pissed. I see it. And naturally I'm pissed. Wow. I see a toaster. If it has more than just four buttons, I'm pissed. So if I enter your house and I see your toaster and it's got five or six buttons, prepare for me to be like, hey, let's have a sit down. Where's Paulie? So he's got a fucking button on his goddamn toaster that says a little more oh all right it has toasting and then it has the sham button the fucking extra money button that they rip you from this toaster also has a button for just is

this right how can this be so you can toast it but and then what is this right? How can this be? So you can toast it, and then what is this here? It says bagel. You can just do bagel. So you can do bagels, and it will toast simply one side of the bagel. Now you got to put it in the right way. You got your toaster here.

You have a thing that toasts, and you have a bagel. You put the bagel in there. You get one, until you get it made. You put it on cream cheese, you put it on lox, put it on whatever you want, you put it on, and you have a bagel. You put the bagel in there. You get one till you get it made. You put it on cream cheese. You put it on lox. Put it on whatever you want. You put it on.

And you put it on. You taste it. And that is the best bagel you ever had. And we have 40 left, and they are flying off the shelves. So my dad has the toaster, and it costs way too much money. And he doesn't care because he's 72. And what the fuck is he going to spend his money on? Answer, a toaster.

And there's a button that says a little more. I don't like this fucking button. This button is making fun of me, dude. I see that button and I feel like, you know what? This is bullshit, this button. Because I could just hit the toast button and then hit the toast button again and make it a little more as much as I want to. But my dad's got the other way.

And he wants you to use the fucking a little more button so badly because that's what the extra fucking $50 was. Hey, hit a little more. Dude, dad, it's toasted the way I want. I'm just saying if it's a little underdone, hit a little more. It'll just do it a little more or I can just hit toast and then hit toast again and fucking do it the way I want to he's like yeah but it's got button for that now okay so I'm just saying you can the way my dad is and the way he talks, I just, I know I do it. It's like the student surpassed the teacher.

Like fucking three decades ago, it was he's stealing from me, so I'm stealing from him. I don't care if he knows it or not. And now it's, well, if Postmates is going to ring the doorbell and he's not looking at the app with the note on it, then I'm going to fucking disrespect him by writing a fucking shitty note on half of a fucking paper towel. Calvin's going to be like, I mean, what the fuck is three generations from that? Yeah, he looked at me weird, so what happened was I walked over and I shit on his Escalade.

What? Yeah. Sucks, huh? But we are the Leas. Calvin's son's going to be like... Like when they open the fridge in Ghostbusters and Zod is in there. Calvin's son's going to be named Zod. I'm going to tell Cal to name his son Zod. Cali and Zod.

Zod. I'm going to tell Cal to name his son Zod. Cali and Zod. Calvin and Zod, making the world a worse place. Cali and Zod, making the world so confused. Why would you shit on an Escalade, Cali and Zod? On After a Show with Will Sasso, probably. On ABC. On ABC. On ABC.

Directly after a show with probably Keira Sedgwick. Anyway. So what the fuck was I talking about? My dad? Oh, yeah. So, dude, I have a video of it, and I'm going to play it. Maybe I'll post it on Instagram, or maybe I'll fucking just

put it on this podcast. I don't know. Oh, I have it video of it, and I'm going to play it. Maybe I'll post it on Instagram, or maybe I'll fucking just put it on this podcast. I don't know. Oh, I have it in my text. And I have it in my text chat. This is just great. All right. Great. So here's how the fucking...

Oh, my God, dude. All right. My dad's already bitching on my brother in the beginning of this video. He's already bitching. I don't even know what he's doing now because it was a while ago. I don't even remember. And I can't tell what he's doing now, but it's like the fucking, it's like the beginning of the fucking DMX intro and it's dark as hell is hot after he's like talking for a little bit. And then the music kicks in and he's just like, man, so I'm not don't tell me. He sounds like the fucking guy in the beginning

of the what's that song number 10 on it's dark as hell is hot what is it get down how's it going down i believe i'm gonna call it man that's what it sounded like i believe this man calling man i believe this hello who dick you suck in? Remember that? Bro, my fucking, my ears as a child just, what? They can't put this on. They can't put this on a disc? Man, I don't believe this. I'm going to call this man. Fuck this up, man. I'm going to... Hello? Who dick you sucking? What?

Just already mad. That's what I love about black people. If you come mad at a black person, that person matches how mad you are immediately. A white person doesn't do that. This is a bit fucking like 80s comedy, but it's true, dude. A white person, if you're like, hey, buddy, hey, can I fucking have a conversation with you? A white guy is

going to be, or a white woman is, a white male, female, they're just going to be like, yeah, what's the problem? What's going on here? Black people? Dude, if you're like, hey, man, can I talk to you for a second? That person's like, yo, what's up? What's up? What you going to do? And you're like, oh, fuck, man. So if you're a white guy and you don't second that person's like yo what's up what's up what you gonna do and you're like oh fuck man so if you're a white guy and you don't know that about black people don't come at black people like that you'll have to back the fuck up just like i i so that's what my dad's doing he's doing the beginning of how's it going down right here you can hear it dude oh my god dude you hear him i there you go he's no no it's not stupid so okay so he's telling my brother that i did something stupid so i'm now in this position who did you suck in this is me

now okay i took the bread and i fucking and here i am dude. Johnny breaks it down because somebody has to break it down. And my family breaks it down, dude. But when I'm with my family, I break it down. Already, Matt? Okay, here's me. The bread was too big and I thought it was going to get stuck. The bread was too big. My dad has a toaster and he buys bread that's too big to go in the toaster.

Okay? So what Johnny figures it out does is... is I had to transform from Johnny Breaks It Down real quick to Johnny Figures It Out. And then I had to go from Johnny Figures It Out back to Johnny breaks it down. It was like the quickest episode of Transformers you've ever seen.

All right. So now the bread's smaller. So now the bread's smaller. All right. So he came over and he said... That's my dad. My dad comes over and he says... Do you want to make it only toasting on the inside or what?

He wants me to use the goddamn bagel button on a sandwich bread, okay? I don't need to use the bagel button because it's not a bagel. You know how I know it's not a bagel? Because it's too long for the fucking toaster. And a bagel is a circle okay let's keep it moving and i said yeah sure and he said then hit bagel okay so i just was not even i said okay sure and he says then hit bagel and i he's so happy about it right so he said it's also too big and i said yes too big so i took it out all right told me the bread

was too big i already knew it was too big because too big because I took it out and I cut it, dude. All right? So he's telling me some shit I already know. By the way, I'm just trying to make a fucking sandwich. And he's lurking in the background like a goddamn... You know what I mean? And everyone's coming at me. Because the bread was already inside.

And I said, hit bagel if you just want a toasty inside okay but you're saying something out of order that's the thing dude i wasn't even talking about that my dad likes to talk about something else that we're not talking about and that's what makes the conversation so convoluted and that's why i had to develop into being so good. That's why I'm fucking Johnny's. Johnny figures it out at heart. And this isn't Pulp Fiction.

You're doing it like this is Pulp Fiction and it's not. It's a straight movie. Because it's not linear. Pulp Fiction is not linear. But you're saying something out of order. And this isn't Pulp Fiction. You're doing it like this is Pulp Fiction and it's not. It's a straight movie.

It's a narrative that starts from the beginning and it ends at the end. Okay? My brother in the fucking peanut gallery in the background. And I cut off the little piece of it. To make it fit. I put it back in and I hit bagel. And dad says, are you trying to toast it? Oh my god, dude.

I cut the bread. I put it in God, dude. I cut the bread. I put it in the toaster. I hit bagel. And my dad comes by. You know how fucking annoying this is? A 72-year-old man walks by while I'm doing my business and says, You trying to toast it? Dude, what the fuck? Who are you fucking?

What are you, a baseball color comp? Are you trying to toast it here? He's actually trying to toast it. It's good that he cut off a little piece. Because the truth is, the bread was too long. And his toaster was $175. And it has too many buttons. It's toasted nicely in a bagel fashion.

Yeah. And he says, well, then you gotta hit toast. And then he fucking makes it like it's my fault because he said hit bagel. He said you gotta hit start. No. And then my brother says he said you gotta hit start. He didn't say I had to hit start. I already hit start and then he said hit bagel. So now I'm going backtracking. It's like I'm just trying to fucking toast to shit.

I hit toast and then he says hit bagel. I heard him say hit start. I literally heard him say you gotta hit start. And then you looked at him and said you gotta tell me that. And he said I already hit it. And that was his fault. Yeah, it's all his fault. No, no, no. It's your fault. No, it's not my fault. What was my fault? All of it except the very end when he said you gotta hit start after he already hit start. All of it he was worried except when he said you gotta hit start and he had already hit start. Your friend's done.

No, I... Look, then my dad comes in again. Dude, how annoying is this, dude? My dad comes in again and says, your bread's done. But in the middle of him saying the thing before that and him saying the bread's done, I shit you not. He goes into the garage for what looks to be no reason.

Dude, that is so fucking disrespectful that we're in a conversation and he walks into the garage and comes back and then tells me something that I already know. Dude, look at him. That's the garage door opening. Oh, he's throwing away a fucking empty water bottle. That's where they put the recycling. God, that's fucking disrespectful.

No, I hit it, so it's done. It's done because I only wanted it lightly fucking toasted, okay? Well, then you can push that lever down. Look, see, that's the thing is why I said I hit the button so it would come up. It's done because I made it done, and that's when he said you could hit that button. He was pointing to

the button that says a little more, dude dude he wants me to use all the fucking buttons this sandwich is going to come out look tasting like a fucking trash it's going to be like a fucking a log at fucking um uh what is that thing that i used to do called what was that thing i used to do called my mind's going i need ginkgo biloba. Oh, yeah, dude, yes! I don't remember shit. Cub Scouts. Not Cub Scouts, but fucking something guide. Indian guide, yes! Probably actually that's racist now.

Shouldn't admit that. Definitely could get canceled. Ah, Indian guides. Yes, that's what it was. There's too many levers. There's too many buttons. Do you want a plate? Yeah.

This is annoying. Now he's still here hovering like a goddamn parakeet trying to land on a statue. Levers. Or a pigeon. Buttons. Do you want a plate? Yeah, yeah, I would like a plate, man. Do you want to help me get a plate or do you want me to get a plate?

He said, do you want a plate? Yeah. You know where the fucking plates are? Dick, dude. So this is how you get to the Postmates shit Why can't I get a plate on my fucking self, dude? Why don't why do you have to fucking say you want? Yes, dude. I love what I see videos of me and I agree with me Yes, I'm fucking consistent. I'll fucking decide See what I'm seeing you see on dude, and then do you see how maybe I could mess up even though I didn't mess up nice

So it's a more useful than you actually realize good See what I'm seeing you see what I'm doing with it, and then do you see how maybe I could mess up even though I didn't mess up? nice So it's more his fault than you actually realize. Good. Here you go, Chens. Threw Chens the dog I threw him the extra piece that didn't fit in the fucking toaster. The end. So, oh look, oh now i fucking dude fucking kristin takes a video from her phone of me talking about this on the podcast sends it to the fucking family group chat and and and fucking my dad literally writes and i was right about the toast you know what i'm texting him back right now. No, no, no. And you know what? He doesn't even know what it was about at this point. I wrote him back. No, not looking at my phone till the

end of the podcast. I love my son so much. I want to hold him and just fucking have him here and have him in my neck like this. I love him so much. I can't believe it. And I just want him to be like, da-da, all the time. And sometimes he says it and I perk up. And then he's on to something else and it's fine. But I get that little moment where he says, da-da. And I feel like a kite flying above a beach somewhere, dude.

Because it's the most loveliest feeling ever, ever, ever in the world. And I hold him and he squirms out every single time because he never stops moving. This kid is like a shark. He just constantly is moving forward. And I love him. And he takes steps and he does the thing now where he takes steps and stops himself and can balance and then switches directions and change. He's like one of those fucking one of the first remote control cars where you're like back it up back it up okay go ahead let me go watch over the tree that's what he's like a kid that can barely walk is like a remote control car you got the same energy and uh i love him so much dude i love him so much and we get oh dude he fucking loves straws and i'm drinking and he's just looking at my iced

americano going and i'm like fucking and she says just give it to him he's gonna hate it and then he'll learn and then he won't fucking drink it anymore and i'm like all right yeah you're right fuck it i give it to him he goes like this is what he does he drinks the iced americano he's 14 months he drinks this iced Americano and he goes like this. It goes for more, dude. This kid's my son. This kid came out like Roast My Coffee. Roast My Coffee.

Is it in this baggage? No, that's the placenta. Are there coffee beans on this placenta? Can we grind them and make them into coffee? Da-da-mama Americano Da-da-mama Coffee Da-da-mama

Coffee bean and tea leaf What's your favorite color buddy brown and tan that's the color of coffee places that's the color of coffee bean and tea leaf i like a little bit of purple too that's the color of the sign that's my son dude he went for seconds it's like a fat guy at a buffet just you gonna have that so now he likes coffee dude still went right to sleep caffeine doesn't bother him love my son so much dude can't believe i can't believe it's a real thing i can't believe i'm lucky enough to be a father dude i can't believe it man and fucking tearing up jesus fucking christ man i can't believe i'm lucky i i i feel like how did this fucking happen how am i so fortunate to have such a good fucking kid

dude what a fuck jesus man this kid is my heart dude i was watching um what's the show? Westworld. This isn't a transition. This is real. It's part of the thing. And in the show Westworld, which is,

I'm not saying the show is not good, but it's definitely good for a few episodes and uh the guy in it the fucking guy who's in everything jeffrey wright is is uh we find out in like episode four he's a robot and he's in the actual place it's not a spoiler because honestly who gives a fuck and you find out that he had a son that died and he is forced with the option to make the choice of do i erase him from my brain or do i keep the memories even though they're so painful? And he says, yeah, but that's all I have. And I think before I was a dad, oh, Jesus Christ,

I would have thought, oh, man, I'd erase those memories, man. They'd be too painful. But, man, my, is that every day, even if it's just a day, like it's just, it's the most amazing thing being a dad. that's what it's like when you when you have a kid you're uh somebody told me this but it's so true it unlocks doors uh to the world and the universe that you had no fucking idea about that's what it's like um so alright

that's it fucking that's it I'm gonna wear Depends Tonight maybe see if it works for a fucking fourth run uh thanks for listening

love you guys uh thanks for your support for my patreon thank you for that my uh the merch is still going strong you guys are great representing with the fucking life rip shit and then no fucking diddly dunce um uh and uh it's a fucking lifestyle man life rips if you want it to and uh there you go there's shorts there's a bathing suit bro dip in the pool show them life reps that's it for the show catch the extended version uncut on my Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thank you.