Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 197. Jesus Just Wants To Have Fun

Episode Date: July 7, 2021

🎟 Catch the rest of this episode, the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris takes a look at some unconventional pastors, discovers his love for Rick and Morty, and watches the trailer for Infinite. He also grows the economy and hurts nobody. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ 🕺 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Thought we'd stop after four episodes, but we keep going and it is frigging on. Dude, let's start off with thank you. you guys listen to this podcast and it, I like doing it. I like doing this podcast. And before I get into, uh, liking and subscribing, I want to tell you right now that I, your boy started fucking cutting his own hair. You know, that I've been cutting my own hair for about a year now and I'm getting good at it and that's it. And that's that dude. But I'm getting good at it. And that's it. And that's that, dude. But I'm getting really good at cutting my hair, and I did it again. And he did it again, dude. And it's the best cut he's given himself. And now I don't say that to brag.

It's a little bit braggy, but it's really hard to get the back. But I got good at getting the back. I was good at doing the sides. The sides are easy. The front, a little less easy than the sides. Because you get nervous when you do the front. I get nervous when I do the front because you can't take back the front, dude. You cannot take back the front. Can't take back the sides either, you go, oops, bangs, right? It's like not, it's not, that's why it's just tough, man. So I did it and I cut the fucking back. And this time I took my cell phone

and I, I looked at the back and I looked in the mirror and I cut it like this. It was like a whole fucking cool Tom Cruise movie doing it, but only in like his life. Isn't that cool? It was like a whole fucking cool tom cruise movie doing it but only in like his life isn't that cool it's like a tom cruise fucking movie where at the end of the movie then he gets retired and then that's what he's doing he's still using all the technology and gadgets to cut his own hair but um yeah so i fucking rock it cutting own hair. And you guys should cut your own hair too because you don't need hair cutters. It's a fucking scam, dude. You just sit in those chairs and they cut, cut. It takes a long time.

You got to drive. By the time you're done, it's been two, two and a half hours. Chicks need it, I know. We've been through this before. We don't need to talk about it anymore. But you know what, dude? I'm so sick of fucking having people watch this show and not fucking absolutely destroying that subscribe button you guys roll up and put out a fucking hit on that subscribe

button i swear to god put out a fucking hit on that subscribe button don't smash that like don't smash that subscribe button don't this just fucking absolutely roll up in a humvee somebody took my humvee dude that was one of the parts in the rock the movie the rock where uh the guy there there's one part there's one he's his only line in the rock is somebody took my humvee he's talking to the valet guy and it was fucking sean connery or nicholas cage and me and the girl that i took the movie to when i was 16 we fucking laughed so hard at that and we always used to say that to each other and then she broke up with me and started dating my best friend and i fucking uh i didn't like it at all it really made me very upset but it's all good now dude dude, because I'm 41 and I forgive them.

And so somebody took my Humvee and, but what was I even fucking talking about? Oh yeah, dude. So absolutely roll up in fucking roll up with the homies on some fucking Humvee shit and just, just fucking absolutely destroy that subscribe button. And dude, like absolutely fucking fucking what was the other one i was gonna say god damn it i have a fucking i have i need to start drinking some ginkgo biloba i need to start drinking some ginkgo biloba because i was gonna say fucking something really good for the like button but now i just got to go back to fucking my brain and just get loosey goosey and be like put a fucking headlock on that like button.

Dude, you know what? Seriously, put a headlock on that like button. In all seriousness, if you're not liking the videos and you're not subscribing to the videos, if you're not rolling up and fucking call the Avengers on that like button. That's what I wanted to fucking say. Yeah, he remembered, dude. I just had to get back into the swing of the dude. Call the Avengers on that fucking like button, man. And have them save the day on that fucking like button.

Fuck all these motherfuckers out there. Yeah. Smash that like button. Hey, everybody fucking hit that like button. Don't forget to subscribe to each. Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And above all, dude, make friends in the goddamn comments.

If you're watching, you're commenting. If you're not commenting, you ain't living, dude. There was a time and place where I fucking didn't, I didn't even leave. I didn't even leave any fucking comments because I thought it was just for fucking ne'er-do-wells and crazy motherfuckers. But it's not, dude.

Leaving comments is for everybody. Yeah, dude. So call the Avengers on that like button. Absolutely roll up in some fucking Humvees and destroy that subscribe button and uh make friends in the comments man comment something like yeah pretty good i like the one part and the other part is like nah my favorite part is this we're like oh this guy's not funny oh and then just fucking take each other out to dinner dude and check out that horizontal mambo. So it's good, dude. It's all good. It's all good. I love this shit, dude. This shit was making me laugh. This shit was making me... I put up a

fucking... First of all, wait, hold on before I even get into it. I put up a TikTok on Joe Biden. And so I was making fun of him. I was making fun of him, whatever. Let's actually watch that video. Let's watch that video, dude. Guess what? Gross economy. Guess what?

Gross economy. So drunk. guess what gross economy so drunk joe biden grows the economy that's what i'm gonna put in and they're not gonna even fucking have it okay wait actually it's here so all good first thing that came up oh no it's fucking daily.com guess what joe biden's economy grows on tiktok i don't care shit i just want the video dude anyway he does that and it makes me laugh so hard and then i put it on my thing for the light for the new life rips hoodies that fucking we re-upped okay we're reloading and uh we we re-upped. Okay, we're reloading. And we re-upped it. And we put more into production because those shit sold like hotcakes. And I put a fucking Life Rips hat on Joe Biden.

And I put it up. And guess what? It's good for the economy or whatever the fuck. And everyone was like, H3 already did that. Dude, I'm not watching podcasts, okay? And I don't watch podcasts. That's it. Whether or not they're friends of'm not i don't watch podcasts that's it whether or not they're friends of mine i don't watch podcasts if they're not friends of mine i'm not gonna watch podcasts if they are friends of mine why the fuck i watch a podcast i talk to them i'm not watching or not

watching i'm not i'm not watching podcasts i'm not doing that i don't do that shit people are like oh you you ripped it off of the fucking thing. Dude, I don't know. Oh, they did it too? Yeah, dude. Woo-hoo. So I don't know if they did the same thing. I actually don't even, I still don't know.

But a few people were like, H3, did you see H3? And I'm like, I didn't. I don't watch podcasts. I don't watch podcasts. I don't even watch fucking this podcast. And when I do, I don't even want to have to watch this podcast. And now I do because there's lots of edits and cuts and shit and the fucking, and to put the pictures in it.

And Ivan gets rid of, kills that, kills that shit. And I don't, I don't like having to watch it. But then when I do, I really laugh because here's the thing, dude. Let me tell you this, I do this podcast and I think I'm funny and, and you, you know, I think I'm funny because I laugh at my own jokes a lot. And I do that in a very genuine manner because I think it's funny. Okay. And a lot of times I'm figuring this shit out in my head as I'm talking about it. And I'm starting to laugh before I say it because I'm like, Ooh, I can't wait to say this because this is going to be funny. And it's

like someone else said it. All right. So what happens is I talk bullshit out my ass in this podcast and I do funny shit. And then when they recut it, when they put the graphics in and shit and Ivan gets rid of his like here and sends me the shit for five days later, I get to watch it and I forgot everything and I get to see it again. And I sit back and I'm like, that's the fucking dude yeah man i agree with this guy and i start laughing because i forgot i said it and oh it's funny because it gels with my my personality and

my sense of humor because it's me dude that's why It's because it's me. It's like the past me speaking to the present me when I forgot about the shit. Cross economy. Hurts nobody. Benefits everyone. Cross economy. Here it is.

Guess what? Cross economy. So fucking absolutely cock. First of all, to say guess what, there is honestly no non-cock way to say that. Guess what? Oh, here we go dude and then to follow it up with a whisper to a fucking large audience that is the most cock guess what i mean imagine you're at a fucking house party and and the lady there is like i made i made these scalloped potatoes and you're like guess what i like scalloped potatoes you'd be like okay man chill did you drive a lamborghini here

guess what scalloped potatoes are my favorite just so dick like thought he thought that you know that meme of all the fucking dudes like this like or you know when a fucking dude dunks a basketball and the one dude fake holds everyone else back oh you know who what are they holding each other back from? What's that happen? Nobody's holding shit back. I'll be the guy that does the outrage. You guys stand back. When somebody does a slam dunk.

You guys. Hey, the rest of the fucking jazz. You guys stand back. Behind my arms. I'll do the one that's surprised. Oh! Guess what? Slammed a basketball. Benefits the Jazz. Hurts the Hornets.

Dude, it's amazing. Guess what? It grows the economy. Benefits everybody. Hurts nobody. Said that last part louder because the guy coughed and he got so pissed off. Hurts nobody. Guess what? Grows the economy.

Somebody said, I put on TikTok, I said, what are you guys hearing? Somebody said, crows encounter me. And I fucking laughed. But I love that shit. And then I love also, presidents are just, they're all funny, man. Like, and then there was this one. Last president. Donald Trump.

This shit, dude. No, Russia did not help me get elected. You know who got me elected? You know who got me elected? I got me elected. Russia didn't help me at all. Russia, if anything, I think, helped the other side. What you ought to ask is this. Do you think the media helped? Wow. Just goes on and on. No, Russia didn't help me get elected. You know who helped me? You know who got me elected?

And then double cocked it, dude. He was so excited. That was his guess what? Because you can use a guess what? Or you can feel a guess what? Right? If you're very confident, you can just feel the guess what? That's what Trump was doing.

Biden needed a guess what? All good, dude. just feel the guess what. That's what Trump was doing. Biden needed a guess what. All good, dude. He needed a guess what. Gross economy. Trump didn't need the guess what. He just double cocked the question. You know who got me elected? You know who got me elected?

This is what he did. You know who got me elected? You know who got me elected? Chk-chk. This is what he did. You know who got me elected? Chk-chk. You know who got me elected? Chk-chk. I got me elected. Chk-chk. That's so great, dude.

Guess what? Come on. Oh, color wheel. I love when a computer gets fucked up. Yeah, dude. Dynamite, man. Guess what? It grows the economy.

Benefits everybody. Hurts nobody. benefits everybody hurts nobody it's great it's great and you can't make me not laugh at that I laugh at whatever I want to sometimes I show shit to my dad and he'll just be like

I don't get it that's fine that's what being a son's all about you take the next generation of what's funny and you bring it to the forefront. One time when I was a kid, my dad said, I said to my dad, dad, do you like this song? I don't remember what song it was, but it was a song for me. I was about 10 years old and it was a song for me and my friends. And he said, no, I don't like it. And I said, how could you not like that? And he said, it's just different when you grow up, there's going to be songs out there and they're just going to be like, and I remember

he made this noise. He went, and I was like, no, there's not. You really think so? And he said, probably. And they're fucking hard, dude. You ever heard of heard of dead mouse uh but there wasn't that back in 1992 or 1988 89 probably my dad was on some phil collins shit fucking lead singer slash drummer is there a more boss thing than when you're in a band? See, that's some real shit, dude. The singer's either just the singer or the guitarist. There's never really been a singer doing anything else. Maybe they'll do a singer playing the piano.

But Phil Collins was like, oh, no, no, no. He's British, right? Or no? Is he? No. No, no, no, no, no. He's British, right? Or no? Is he? No. No, no, no, no, no. He goes like this. No, no, no, no, no.

I'll play the drums and I'll be the fucking lead singer. And they're like, but you're not going to be back there. He's like, I'll figure it out. And he just rocked. I'm jealous that he did that because I wanted to be the first guy ever to do that

and now i can't i'll be the guy who fucking no only if i could play drums because i like to be difficult baby i like to be difficult man but you know so many fucking things happen where i'm i like you know i'm just i'm just, I'm right about things. So it's fine. Kristen was like, there was one part in Rick and Morty that happened the other night where Rick fucking was, I was done. I get so many comments. Hey, this guy's the real life Rick Sanchez. So I'm like, all right, all right.

You know what? You win internet. I'll watch it. I'll watch Richard and Morty i'll watch richard and morty i'll watch rick and morty even though i'm like a family guy guy you understand i'll watch rick and morty never seen it maybe i see one or two episodes turned it on it's so fucking of course it's so good it's so funny dude and uh i'm like i'm like i don't really understand why it's just like he's complaining about everything or he always thinks he's right and chris is like yeah and i'm like okay that is

kind of me but then there was this one part where he tells morty to fucking change hit the light switch and he's like hit the light switch on the right on the right on the right hit the light switch on the right and then morty and then you hear morty go i got it and you hear it and then you hear another light switch and he was like what was that noise before the light switch and he was like oh i don't know and he was like it sounded like there were two lights and i'm like and dude i was dying dude i was laughing so hard rolling around and i look over kristin is not laughing and i'm like why are you not laughing and she was like honestly it's funny but it's annoying because it's like frustrating me because so hard rolling around. And I look over at Kristen and is not laughing. And I'm like, why are you not laughing? And she was like,

honestly, it's funny, but it's annoying because it's like frustrating me because it's like reminding me of times I was frustrated about you. And I was like, oh, fuck, yeah, I guess you're right, man. I guess you're right.

Ah, Morty was bullshit there, dude. Rick was right. You can easily, that's all we have is our language. That's all we have is our language, dude. If you're not firing on all syllables with your language, then what are we doing, dude? It's like when you're like, what did he say?

And you tell them generally what somebody said. And then you're like, okay, is that as good as you could remember? Or is that exactly what he said? And they're like, I don't know. It's like, it was exactly what he said. And you're like, dude, do you not know? Or is it exactly what he said?

Because he said both. And they're like, I think it was what he said. I'm not asking if you think. I'm asking you if that's exactly what he said or if you have the general idea of what he said and you're relaying that to me. Yeah.

Okay. I get it. I get it. I get it. It's Rick and Morty, but I believe that shit and we all fuck up. But one time, dude, I was, I was sitting, I was watching TV with Kristen and I was like, this is what that person just said on TV. And she was like, no, they said it the other way.

And I said, I know for certain that this is not what they said. And we replayed it and she was right. And I was wrong. And then I realized it was only because of the way they cut it the other way and i said i know for certain that this is not what they said and we replayed it and she was right and i was wrong and then i realized it was only because of the way they cut it on the tv all good dude all good it wasn't my fault it was the editor's fucking fault dude it was her fault too for dragging me into it it sucked whoa got out of that one i love getting out of them. I love getting out of them, dude. I love getting out of them. Whatever, man. It's hot and it's all good.

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What was the thing he said? You know who got me the election? You know who got me the election? I got me the election. Absolute fucking. Absolute fucking takedown. I love this shit about how everyone at Star Wars fans are getting upset about the backlash for removing... There's a backlash for removing the word...

The name Slave One. First of all, Star Wars called Boba Fett's ship Slave One. So it's like... You should have known in fucking 30 years you were going to get in some shit. Slave one, dude. And now people of like Star Wars, who cares, dude? Just who cares? This is the other thing too.

They're only changing the name because they think it hurts their bottom line they don't give a fuck about anything but their bottom line whatever it is disney or whatever it says in the right here star wars fans are outraged again over a decision to remove the slave one name from one of the iconic space cruisers. Disney has quietly dropped the moniker because they know they're not going to sell if they call it the Slave 1, right? But that is not the thing that I think is hilarious. The thing that I think is hilarious is that there are people who are mad at this

and doing stuff like this. Like this guy tweeted Boba Fett. Actually, his handle is Boba Fett. A-N-H-S-E. Mark Anthony Austin. You'll always be slave one to me. And like. Okay.

Like. They don't. Imagine the people at Disney. Seeing that tweet how little of a shit they give if you call it the slave one they don't give a fucking shit just being like yeah okay

you call it whatever you want we're just not going to do it because it hurts our bottom line we're in the business of making money not naming shit hyper devoted Star Wars fans are notorious for causing a stink over revisions and updates to their beloved brand. Dude. Dorks. Just dorks.

Who cares? Call it fucking hippy-dippy. I don't care. All right. Well, and then imagine tweeting. Well, I'm still calling it to say the slave one. Oh, that's nice for you and your family, bro. You know, it just makes me laugh back to when we in the 80s.

It was like so it's like just so cool. Like it was like the just we were all just living and just having a good time. No one is getting offended. We were, nobody had the internet. We were just in the meantime, you're one of the fucking people on this internet that is causing the fucking outrage. That's making everything annoying.

Stop tweeting your fucking problem and just write a goddamn letter to Disney. You know? Uh, yeah, this is a problem. I'm tweeting it. I'm not going gonna call up my fucking i'm not gonna call up the person i got their number but fuck it tweet

no i'm still calling it slave one it's just like guess what slave one calling it slave one benefits everybody it hurts no one dude this new fucking mark walberg movie came out i gotta see it because it's Mark Wahlberg. It's called Infinite, of course. And Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it. Is that guy, that's, that name, huh? That's like one of those names where it's like, oh, here are the letters, you pick it.

You design the name. And like some five-year-old was just like, what I led you for, you know, like Chad Jacobson was, you could have made Chad Jacobson. Well, you are an infinite.

Of course he is. Let's watch this preview. You are an infinite. Wow. I'll starts with a guy driving a motorcycle off of a fucking cliff. Okay? I'm in, dude. I'm 100% in.

You want me to watch a goddamn movie? Start with a guy driving a motorcycle off of a cliff that was obviously in Ireland. And I am in. And then go to something quiet, right? A guy just kind of sauntering in diagnoz with schizophrenia oh wow so ridiculous so far a guy drives off a cliff in a motorcycle. And then the next thing is a guy sauntering into a room with a fucking samurai sword saying to another guy, you've been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Uh, sir, NYU short film. uh nyu short film at 14 at 14 after carving the words look inside this is the worst when when i dude this is movies this movie may be good i have no idea i'm just tearing apart this fucking trailer dude movies where a guy tells another guy all about that guy. Fucking suck. It's like Vanilla Sky. At the end of the movie. The movie was so good. And then the end of Vanilla Sky.

Tom Cruise was like what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? Everyone watching the movie is like what the fuck is going on? And then he gets stuck in an elevator with some jackass. That's like this is what's been going on the whole time. And this is what's happening. And we're like now. So I could have just watched this scene.

I could have just watched only this scene. You have me watch two hours of this bullshit. Guessing. And some guy was just going to show up in a suit and elevator all cramped up and explain it to me? That's not cool, dude. I invested time. Don't tell me. I'd rather leave the movie thinking, what the fuck was that all about? Then, oh, that guy said it all. Okay, I get it.

Don't spell it out. I got Google. I can look it up later. Don't tell me. Be like David Lynch, dude. David Lynch will just be like, fuck it. I'll put a guy with a big head in it. Your chest with a box cutter.

I mean, dude. Inside. Hold on. Inside into your chest. He did 14 After covering the words look inside into your chest say and what you sure cutter Look inside By those words send script

Which one of these is yours look you could skip the whatever the hell this is bro then again with the fucking ticking clock i'll decide at what pace i want my fucking palms to get sweaty don't add tick ticks because your movie isn't fire don't add don't add the ticks of a clock because your movie isn't hot stepping you understand i'll decide when my palms get sweaty we've already agreed that music could be in it I don't even like that sometimes when the music swells and you're like okay here we go

here come the bad guys I want the bad guys to come when they come I don't want to know when the bad guys are coming I don't want the shit to be telegraphed I don't want spooky fucking I don't want that don't scare spooky fucking yeah, I don't want that Don't scare me what sounds but they got the fucking ticking clock just like the Karen movie. That's mine

Was it yours i don't know what you're talking about i'm not oh jesus don't pull a gun on me time you say i don't know this trigger gets pulled it's there's so much easier ways to do this you know every time you say i don't know i pull the trigger to your head. Like, dude, okay, look, hey, relax, okay? I want to be in one of these situations in real life so badly. So I can just be like, okay, look, you've seen too many movies. I get it. I've got whatever you think I've got. I don't believe I have this.

Let's both sit down. There's a coffee bean and tea leaf down the street we'll go grab a fucking I like black ice americano you might know that I don't know if you listen to my podcast but I'll get you whatever you want and let's hash this out like some fucking gentleman because you walking in with a fucking sword

into this dark dimly lit room with a bunch of fake fog in it and you think I don't hear the ticking, you're trying to elicit a response from me and you're not going to get it, okay? You will get it if we can just sit down and have a good time, dude.

Let's talk about stuff, likes and dislikes. I want to be in one of these situations. Because what would happen, honestly, if you sat down and you were in this room that you were being kept in and a guy put down three items and he was like,

which one of these is yours? And you just go like this, I farted. You'd fuck the guy up. I mean, that's like a fucking cell phone scrambler he'd be like and that's what you flip the table up and you do a fucking uppercut and a spin kick and you're out of there dude you grab the machete and you run well the thing is i don't really recognize these three things but the good thing is i farted none of them are mine but you know

what is and he says what and you look at him and and you and then you just hear i don't recognize any of these three things i don't think any of them are mine but you know it is mine what pinch your nose them are mine. But you know it is mine. What? Pinch your nose. Look, I don't know. Are you out of your mind? Yes. Last chance, Evan.

Is this yours? He remembers. Oh, and they're friends, dude. And then the car fucking breaks through the wall. Get in. Of course!

Who breaks through a fucking wall in a car, gets out, and doesn't say get in? You could do it to a fucking close to McDonald's at like fucking 1 a.m. I'd still scream, get in. Who? Just a fucking, the Ronald McDonald statue. Get in! Just screaming to it. Now he's chasing them. I mean, how many walls are they driving through?

Oh, let me guess. They go in the air. Yep. They go in the air. See? There we go. On June 10th. A big library with a bunch of books, of course. This isn't your first life, Evan. Sir NYU Short Film.

This isn't your first life, Evan. The guy's name is Evan. Make his name more grand, obviously. Evan, dude. Like you wear some fucking Dockers and a fucking button-down. Which one of these are yours? We have fucking the carnation pink shorts. We have a polo shirt.

And then we have some Doc Martens. I don't recognize any of these. I will put this cigarette out. On your blonde head. If you do not. I don't know who they are. Ow! What are you fucking crazy? The doctors aren't mine.

Ah, I don't know. You are an infinite. You've lived. And died. A thousand times. That's not infinite. You're talking about reincarnation. Yeah, man.

You know? If you can remember who you were. Oh, nice Ferrari. God, if you can remember who you are, what do you think it is at the end? Then you will finally know who you are or some do you think it is at the end? Then you will finally know who you are or some shit like that, you know? If you can remember who you were, you will now know

what you are supposed to be. If you can remember who you were, you will you will know now where you are going. If you can remember, Evan. Yeah? You will understand

who you can become. Yeah, dude, of course! you will know who you can become evan even though your name will still be evan basically you will know how much of your daddy's money you could have um oh fucking it's on dude it's been on my fan he's like turn your fan on it's been on dude it's hot as shit i'll turn it up one though i don't know dude you know it's like they just keep making these movies and shit and now they don't even are people even going to the movie theaters anymore i don't even know i don't even know but it's like my man I used to fucking be like oh I want to be in movies because I want to be

in a movie that comes out in the movie theater that's not even happening anymore there's this guy dude there's this guy that I love this was hilarious to me there was a young man in Calgary his name was Ben

and I was running a youth group I was there for a few years preacher and he was a young man in Calvary. His name was Ben. Okay. And I was running a youth group. I was there for a few years. Preacher. Pastor, whatever. He was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart aleck. Okay. Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right? Made him more dangerous.

Right, right. And we were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons. And he was just kind of not push my buttons and he was just you know kind of not taking the lord serious kind of not taking the lord serious he's pushing my buttons and kind of not taking the lord serious is he calling himself the lord hey dude you're pushing my buttons you're not taking the lord serious i don't think the Lord gives a fuck about this guy's buttons, but maybe I'm going to hell. And I walked over to him and I went, bam. I punched him in the chest.

Not cool. Absolutely not cool. I crumpled the kid. Assault. Crumpled him. And I said, I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God? I led that man to the Lord right there. There's times that that might be needed. This guy is infinite.

Unbelievable. There was a young man in Calgary. Let's watch this again. His name was Ben. And I was running a YouTube. I was there for a few years. And he was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart aleck.

Was a bright kid. Feeling himself. Which didn't help things, right? Made him more dangerous. Dangerous. We were outside one day, youth group, and he was just trying to push my buttons. And he was just, you know, kind of not taking the Lord serious. And I walked over to him and I went, bam! I punched him in the chest as hard as i crumpled the kid

i just crumpled him and i said i leaned over i said ben when are you gonna stop playing games with god hey man are were you a kid when this happened or are you an adult bragging about punching a fucking kid because don't say that arrest this guy that's like those fucking when they do those documentaries about the fucking the gangland shit and they're just like it's just like a plain old gangster just like without his face scrambled and he's just like yeah i killed like six six people in my day and and you're just like get him you know what i mean like the document imagine filming that you're just like it's like we went through the toughest neighborhoods found the illest gangsters and we got in undercover and we and then there's just here we are sitting with fucking

crip loke and he's just like man i killed like six seven people back in my day and um imagine shooting that the documentary the camera starts shaking and shit the boom guy just y'all shitting no um well if yeah i ate something it's not because i'm nervous nervous get him he aired it on tv so brazen the most brazen i want why can't i can one of those guys come on this podcast and can I interview him so how'd you kill the first guy why don't they fucking do that in those shows oh whoa whoa stop right there dude this documentary is now not about your gang anymore it is about solely you who was the first guy that you killed Okay, and when was that? 1986. And why?

I don't know, man. Just fuck him. Okay. Okay. Boom guy. Y'all shitting? No, no, no, no. Um. I ate Nacho Supreme and the twisty cinnamon

things from Taco Bell. Damn, those are fire, huh? who was the second guy you killed jared why i don't know fuck him camera just shaking out of focus can't wait till this shit comes out. Why was it not? Yeah, I killed six or seven. What was the next thing you didn't hear? Freeze. Dude. What are these gang?

How does that happen? The gangs are like, yeah, come on in. You could do a documentary on us. You're doing so much bad behavior. This right here. this is the gun because he ain't got no serial number on it. I got him. He's wearing a handkerchief. It's fine.

Just take it down. You'll know who he is. I don't understand. Am I missing something? I don't know. Am I missing something? I don't know. Let's watch this. I might cut it out because somebody texted it to me. Even though they know they're not supposed to text.

Put a place of honor in our hearts for you, Lord. We know that we can't receive anything from anyone until we have honor in our hearts for them. First of all, I don't know what this is. It's Rick Pino, who I don't know who that is but obviously he's also the lead singer of smash mouth because that's what he looks like and he couldn't look more like the guy from fucking flavor town or whatever it is first worst audio recording of all time just like moses yeah as a sign of honor as a sign that you are removing the things

that separate you from the holy place, I just invite you to kick off your shoes right now. Kick off your shoes, okay. Come on, everybody all over this place. I don't care how young you are. I don't care how old you are. Kick your shoes off in this place. Why does that have to do with age?

That's so funny. He's just using like buzz catch phrases. I don't care how young you are or how old you are kick off your shoes not hard no matter what age you are i don't care how young you are or how it doesn't matter if you're black white asian kick your shoes off male or female alike these guys say so many words because their shit is such bullshit. These fucking preachers is such bullshit that they have to fill so much space that they just start doing these buzz catchphrases,

which is basically what this podcast does too. And while you're down there, grab a couple socks. It's insecure. Wow. Come on. Didn't even finish the word on. Everybody going to grab something to spin.

This guy's on complete acid. Is this a preacher? This guy is on. Adam, you guys ready? This guy literally put a sheet of acid in his fucking like tucked it in his socks and then it rained and now he just thinks he's orange juice go ahead guys come on put those things up spin your shoes keys, I don't care. You don't care? Everybody, you're not spinning anything.

Come on, grab something. Everybody. Send secure how he laughs. Yeah. Wow, send secure the yeah. Now sing this. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round.

Oh, we're done. We're done, dude. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round. Just, I didn't even try. You spin me right

around, Jesus, right around. Dude, didn't even try. Didn't add the word in the right place. Malfunctioning religious bot, dude. Malfunctioning religious bot, dude. Malfunctioning religious bot. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round. Religion. Dude, I am a preacher. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round.

Dude, so fucking... We'll create him to look like one of them. We will create him. He will have spiky hair and shave the sides of his hair. We will put him in something that you can definitely buy at PacSun. And we will give him cool songs. But add Jesus. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round.

You lift me, Jesus, up. You raise me Jesus up! Jesus just wants to have fun! Oh Jesus just wants to have... That's all he really Jesus wants is some Jesus. Dude, this guy's a fucking... Why are they swinging their socks? Dude, just thinks he's orange juice. Had a sheet of plastic in his socks

and it rained. Taking so many liberties, dude. Wow, this guy. Dude, this is unbelievable. You spin me right round, Jesus, right round. Dude, this is unreal dude oh he now he's just let's sing this so insecure let's sing this Sing this. You spin me right round, Jesus right round, like a record, Jesus right round, round, round. No.

Oh my God, dude. You spin me right round, Jesus right round, like a record, Jesus round. That's what he did. Adding the words at the wrong time. Did you work on this? All you had to do was replace some of the fucking, record with jesus don't say jesus and record unbelievable this guy dude what's the fucking song um the smash meltdown i don't know fucking fucking... Also, this song, dude. This song, of all the songs.

Fell. Oh my god, dude. Sang a little bit louder. Absolutely took liberties. Little bit louder! Dude, that's amazing. This guy is fucking amazing. He's invited to my fucking house. You are invited. Rick Pino? That's the guy's amazing. He's invited to my fucking house. You are invited. Rick Pino?

That's the guy's name? You're invited to my house, dude. Oh my God, dude. No doubt this guy for real fucks hookers. There's just no question. There's no question. So many liberties, dude. The Mortal Kombat song finish him

finish Jesus him baptize him baptize him fuck yeah dude fuck yeah dude so closeted that guy for real we're having a holy ghost hold down wow dude how did that part happen i skipped ahead I skipped ahead.

Oh, wow. He's rocking. Grab your partner, don't sit down. Oh, wow, he's rocking. Grab your partner, don't sit down. We're having a Holy Ghost hold on. Wow, dude. Back streets, back. Jesus, all right. Everybody, Jesus, yeah. Rock your Jesus body, yeah Rock your Jesus body

Yeah Jesus for everybody Back Jesus streets back tonight Wow, the guy's killing everything. He's doing so many notes. What's this one? So many. And back to Jesus.

I mean, dude, so many songs scream everybody. You know? It's so annoying. This guy's just screaming everybody. A little bit louder. Honestly, this is insane that this guy did this. But he's invited to my house. Free open invitation.

Come on over, Rick Pino. Let's look up Rick Pino. Let's look up Rick Pino Grigio right now, dude. Rick Pino. Let's look up Rick Pino. Let's look up Rick Pino Grigio right now, dude. Rick Pino Grigio. Rick Pino. Here we go. Oh, he's got long hair now. Oh, he's got rocks.

Is he religious, dude? He did something that he's not religious anymore. Gotta. Has to be. Isick pino still religious oh no he still is huh conversation of worship rick pino leads 12 oh he's a worship coach hey friends what's up it It's Rick Pino here. I'm excited to share this broadcast with you to give you a little bit of context. He looks so much better like this.

All the virus and the quarantine's broken out. To gather people from our movement, for those who don't know, my wife and I, we founded a worship and missions movement about six years ago. Okay, I love this guy. Seems like the nicest guy in the fucking world in all honesty and now i feel bad that i made fun of him um but you spin me right around you don't have to make the jokes dude this shit is real it already happens dude i took um uh we took fucking uh calvin to the dude it's so cute man we took calvin calvin 16 months now and we took him to uh

kristen was like we made a i made an appointment for him to go to a gym uh my gym or some shit i made an appointment for him to go to a gym uh my gym or some shit and i was like where we go and he does like gyms gymnastics and she was like if you want to come i was like if i want to come are you out of your fucking mind i'm gonna go the night before and sleep there like dude i would never miss that and she was like okay cool so we got up and we went and we and we took him and it was so fucking cute dude he walked in he didn't know what was going on he's 16 months and you know there were other kids that were like 15 months i don't think anybody was even two i mean they were like one all of them were one there were like nine one-year-olds and they were just he was in there and uh

we we made a circle and he sat on mom and i was next to him they were like we don't usually have two parents do it because of covid but you know what this is a small class so why don't you go in and i went in and he was just like looking around and it was so cute dude and there was one part where the one of the instructors was like okay come on buddy everyone line up and we're gonna get into into this sled and i'm going to pull you around and calvin would put him in the little sled and the guy was pulling and pulling him around and calvin was just like sitting in the sled just like going all around and then fucking i cried dude because i was just like he's growing up so fast and i cried and um kristin

oh and then you know calvin was seeing balls everywhere it's a ball ball ball ball he went went over to grab was going running to grab a ball and another dad fucking beat him to it grabbed the ball and fucking threw it the other way and i fucking needed if there was ever a time i needed rick pino dude to just chill me the fuck out and center my religious soul and to spin me right around Jesus right round. It was in that moment because I was going to fucking catch a body, dude. I was going to catch a body or he was going to catch a body. Somebody was going to wind up dead, but I centered myself. Crystal Lee is new person. Plus, Kristen was there looking at me. We both gave each other the eyes.

Like, wow, can't believe that guy fucking did that. But that's part of life. And Calvin will learn that about assholes. And then somebody took a toy out of Calvin's hand. And the mom was like, no, you don't do that. And then Calvin went to go grab the toy back. And we're like calvin we share that's how you do it dude discipline those motherfuckers for real i'm gonna discipline

i can't calvin hasn't really fucked up yet can't wait can't wait can't wait till he fucks up because i'm gonna be scary scary, dude. I'm going to be like, until he's like, just kidding. But we don't do that again, right? Because maybe dad's a demon. No, we don't know. I'm telling you I'm not, and I'm very nice.

You've only experienced me in a nice way, but don't do that again, because, uh-oh, you're about to cry, but look, dad's back. So we don't do that again, because we don't want dad's inner demon to come out do we because i'll tell you right now if you keep doing that a demon pops through his chest no more dad just a red being that lives with your mother from now on just a red being that lives with your mother and he's a lot shorter than dad he's about this big he's

about fucking two and a half feet tall it's really scary and all he eats are fucking all he eats are your Cheerios so do you really want that do you really fucking want that um yeah there's really creative ways to discipline your kid I don't know why people just say no and then just the kid keeps doing it. And then they're like, you know, no, no. And they're like, no. And then the kid keeps doing it. And I mean, I see it all the time. No.

And the kid keeps doing it. And they're like, all right. I said, no, fine. That's my thing. No, we don't do that at this household. Okay. Not for me. I turn into a being.

I'm sorry, little kids. Hey, guys. That's it for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, you can join our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia.

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