Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 201. Horizontal In His Cock

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episode—as well as 1 entire bonus episode per month—over on Patreon: https://patreon.com/chrisdelia In this week's episode Chris talks about Bezos' rocket ride, the McGregor v Poirier fight, and takes a look at some of his TikTok comments. He also takes a trip to Flavortown. 🎽 Merch: https://store.chrisdelia.com Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. free. Yes, you heard that right. From the crispest lettuce to the juiciest apples, Loblaws is committed to fresh, so you get the best fruits and veggies. Look for new value programs when you shop at Loblaws in-store and online. Conditions may apply. See in-store for details. Hey guys, welcome to episode 201 of Congargalations. Oh man, you know, we did it. We freaking did it, dude. And it's such a good time, man. I worked out real hard. Well, I'll just go through it with you, man. I did lunges. I did 200 lunges up my uphill street. I did it in 17 minutes. I tried to beat my time. That's what

I did. I did it in 20 minutes last time, and I was like, I bet I could beat it really a lot, and I did. I did it, and I beat it in three minutes. Oh, and I didn't just do lunges. I held, and I beat it in three minutes. Oh, and I didn't just do lunges. I held 45s in each hand. Sorry to break your heart, strong guys, but I held 45s in each hand. And I did 200.

So sorry to break your heart, strong guys. So I I did it and I did it in 17 minutes. Sorry to break your heart strong guys. So, uh, yeah. And, and that's just kind of the fucking silly goose mode we're in right now. You know, that made me completely out of breath because I'm still struggling for air from doing that, but I also did that. And then what else did I do? Um, I did, wow, I forget. Um, I know I did school. Oh, I did step through his bro. Those will kill you just where you step forward and then backwards and forward and backwards and forward and backwards and forward in their lunges as well. So your boy was doing so many lunges. It was crazy. And, um, I did those, I did four rounds of that. And then I did a four rounds of, uh, squats where I just fucking your

boy held 45s. Hello, 45s you're working overtime today. And I held them above right here and I just did squattings and then I fucking dropped one and I did more squattings and then I dropped two and I did the last squatting. So, okay. Sorry, strong guys. So sue me. What are we doing here? You know what I mean? So, uh, it was, it was great and I had a good workout and I was tired for fucking three hours. I ate a protein shake and then I ate some fucking chimkin. So it's all good, dude. Uh, and it's fun and I like working out and, uh, that's it. That's it. that's it that's it so thanks for the Patreon

you guys you want to if you guys want to join the Patreon beautiful we got a lot of people on Patreon and you get the rest of the episode on Patreon but also maybe just listen to this on YouTube and preach either way preach either way so that's great and make sure

you honestly if you're a fan of the podcast subscribe to the fucking page please and also if you subscribe why don't you just fucking roll up against that like button while you're at it you're already there you're already there you're already there and uh fucking knee knee that fucking like a kickboxer that, uh, that's bell notification button, dude. Ring that bell notification with that fucking knee.

And, uh, I, I, uh, yeah, but that's so, I don't know, dude, how about, uh, well, how about this? And I can't find the textings, but I found it. I, I just, uh. Hell yes. can't find the textings, but I found it. I just, uh, hell yes.

So bored. How do you laugh like that? Well, first of all, you get billions of dollars. Then you laugh like that. Step two, laugh like that. Step one, have billions of dollars. Step two, laugh like that. And wearing a cowboy hat, nothing could be greater. Well, yes, maybe if he was wearing a space outfit. Oh, he is. Oh, he is. He is wearing a fucking outfit you wear in a spaceship and a cowboy hat. Hey, he is. Let me.

That bears repeating. Jeff Bezos is laughing like that, wearing a space outfit and a cowboy hat. So when you're in a space outfit, what do you have on your head? Well, I'll tell you. One of those fucking domes. You got one of those domes that when you take it off, it goes, you go, wow, man, that was a great space ride. But he doesn't have that. Well, then you're like, wow, man, that was a great space ride. But he doesn't have that.

Well, then you're like, well, okay, well, he probably just has nothing then. Well, no, but he does. He has a cowboy hat. So where were you going? Planet Ranch? Planet Tumbleweed? Where were you going? Planet Joe Rogan? Where are you going? where are you going planet joe rogan where are you going where are you going rogan's in austin where are you going dude just a planet with a bunch of fucking horses on it i'm

gonna bear back them all so evil dude the way he laughs. Hell yes. So much breath in his laugh. Unbelievable, dude. So much breath in his laugh. If I was the news... Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. I would have been like that, like someone was squirting a water bottle in my face. Dude, I can't believe

his spaceship looks like a cock. Hey, dude. Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos, your spacecraft looks like a giant horny cock.

How did that happen? You meant to do it. All good. You meant to. And I? You meant to do it. All good. You meant to. And I know you meant to, because once you saw the blueprints and the plans, the only thing anybody around it would say is, hey, look, it's a huge hornet cock.

So it's shooting into outer space, and he's just in a cowboy hat laughing with billions of dollars unreal dude in a giant cock all the amazon workers just fucking packing boxes and shit. Just hot as fucking all hell. Just working at 9 p.m. trying to make shipments. I hope our leader has fun in his big cock. And he's just on a cowboy, just horizontal like this sitting. With a cowboy hat on. They shake so much in blast-offs.

They shake so much, dude. Dude, the best thing would be if you heard somebody blasting off, you know they... You know what I always wanted to fucking hear is I wanted a drummer to be mic'd and only listen to what the drummer is saying while a band is playing because you know that they're fucking killing it, but you know they're just like. And that's so funny to me and that's it dude and that's the kind of shit that i think of fucking bezos was in a cock blasting off bezos jeff bezos was in a cock blasting a cock rocket ship jeff bezos why you in a cock why you in a cock rocket ship. Jeff Bezos, why you in a cock? Why you in a cock rocket ship?

With a cowboy hat, with a flamboyant bat. Why you in a cowboy hat, with a flamboyant bat, in a space suit, Jace Root. In a cock and a rocket ship. It's unbelievable, dude. I can't believe it. What's better than that clip dude hell yes we honestly didn't fucking even talk about the hell yes

because the laugh was so overshadowing now let's go back What we do is we watch clips. We single out the most, uh, moment. And then after that, sometimes we're forgetful, but sometimes we go back. Now we have to go back. The strongest moment of the clip was the laugh. Natch. Okay. The strongest over most overshadowing moment in that clip was the laugh it's like in that new King Kong Godzilla movie when the fucking airplane landed on King Kong's chest

when he was dead and they exploded him to fucking make his heart go again Natch that's the most wow moment how did that get past everybody how did this guy live 55 years, however many years, and get to the point in his life where that's his laugh? Okay? After something he said. I don't like to say this a lot because it's ingrained in Internet culture now, but goals. Okay?

The confidence of the hell yes could only be somebody with $8 billion. Well, hell yes. You know, or a homeless guy. Or a homeless guy. Or a guy on the street that's just like, you know, Jesus is coming. Really?

Hell yes. With rags on. Or space outfit and cowboy hat. Okay, so unbelievable. Hell yes. So breathy. Evil. Hell yes.

So this guy is my idol. And that's it. Dude, I can't believe he's going to space. He went to space for like 14 seconds or whatever. What'd he do? Just fucking pop up and just... And then came back down. It's like $2 million a minute or some shit.

Wow, dude. He's divorced, you know. By the way, honestly, he's a nicholas cage character to be laughing like that is unreal and a cowboy hat dude i'm surprised he didn't have a fucking eagle on his arm with i'm surprised honestly it's not he didn't have an eagle on his arm and a fucking cat on a leash and then also the space suit when it zoomed out it that he didn't have pants i didn't have pants part of it didn't have pants it was a fucking dress because he just doesn't give a shit. Like a fucking short, short dress.

And the answer, the question he's answering is, is that a skirt? Hell yes. Wow. The last ha ha ha are the best. He's just running. He's about to pass out. The last are the best.

He's just running. He's about to pass out. Calvin's been cool. He's been just for no reason saying, die, da, da. Just for no reason. I'll just be in the room. I swear to God.

And for no reason, he'll just look at me and say, die, da, da. And I'm just like, what? And he'll go like this. Or some shit. And I'm just like, what did you say? And he won't say it again for another day. I'm just like, what? And he'll go like this or some shit. And I'm just like, what did you say? And he won't say it again for another day.

I'm just in the other room and I hear, and I'm just like, what did you say? And he's just like, why is my son telling me to die? He doesn't even, he says, although one time he came into the room, uh, he came into the room. Hey Cooper, go, you're going to knock the fucking camera. One time he came into the room and when I was waking up, he had been up already and he walked in the room and he just says, hi, dada. And it was so fucking cute. And ever since then he's been saying, die, dada. So it's all good. It's all good, man. Um, It's all good. It's all good, man.

Un-frickin'-believable. Hell yes. Dude, that's unbelievable. That, that, that, cool. Dude, my... Did you guys watch the Conor McGregor fight? Unreal. Unreal. And mainly I'm talking about what is Conor McGregor ever saying.

I can't understand him but also so um that that dustin dude we follow each other dustin poirier right i always want to say poitier because it's sydney poitier dustin poirier that guy's a class act huh he just is he's a class act man he's got that tattoo on his left fucking thing. And it's like a saber-toothed tiger scratched him up. But he's a class act, dude. And I like him. I'm a fan of him, dude. And he's got that hot sauce. I'm going to fucking, I want to get that hot sauce.

But he's a killer, dude. That guy just has poise, dude. I love fighters, dude, because it's so funny how – because I thought they were friends, him and Conor McGregor, because after the fucking fight last time when he kicked his leg, Conor was limping and afterwards like, you're a good lad, you're a good lad. And then he was like, thank you, thank you.

He's like, you really kicked my leg in already. And then he was like, thank you, thank you. He's like, you really kicked me like an arl, laddie. And then he was like, yeah, great. And then all of a sudden, Kristen's like, this is going to be great. They hate each other. And I was like, they're friends. And she was like, really?

And I'm like, yeah, dude, they're friends. And then it was like a pre-show thing. dustin was like i'm gonna kill that motherfucker because fuck him because what he said and then i'm like what is what is the thing that happened because something has happened right and i didn't know what it was until after the we all know what happened he broke his fucking leg and his his his uh leg looked like a fucking spaghetti noodle. And then Dustin was like, you know what? Everything was cool until he said he was going to murder me. Fighters are hilarious that they'll just get locked on this one thing. When you're like, that's crossing the line?

He said he was going to murder me and that was it. That was the thing I couldn't take anymore. Say whatever you want. Say you're going to fuck me and that was it. That was the thing I couldn't, I couldn't take anymore. Say whatever you want. Say you're going to fuck my wife's mouth. Do not say you're going to murder me. It's not cool, man. There's no coming back from that. He said like, it's so weird. You know what? He's, you know what, dude, you know what made me lose? You guys used to be friends. What happened? Well, fighters will be like, you know what? He said I couldn't make a roast beef sandwich. And honestly, that's where I'm going to draw the line because I know to use middle bread. I'm going to kick his fucking ass. Really? Yep. That's what it is. He said I couldn't make roast

beef sandwich, but I got au jus for day. Okay. I get au jus for day. And I say day because the S is silent on days because au jus, the S is silent on jus. So go fuck yourself, man. S's are silent. Are you losing your mind? Yep. Are you losing your mind? Yeah. Are you saying, yeah, because the S is silent in yes.

I lost my mind. I've been hit too many times in the fucking head. Look at my ears. Looks like I have earphones on, right? Yeah. No, I don't. It's cauliflower ear. Just one? Nope. Two. You know why? Yeah, because that's it. Okay, cool. Moonwalks out of there. Fighters are crazy, dude. I didn't like what he said. Really? Yeah. He said it would take too long to put something together from Ikea. I didn't like what he said. That was he said it would take too long to put something together from Ikea I didn't like what he said you know what and it was cool man

it was cool when he said he was going to drag my wife and family over hot coals I can deal with that but when he said I can't put together a mom M-A-L-M that's something at Ikea when I can't put together a mom quick enough that was it that's where I draw the line that's when I knew I was going to win and that's why I stuck my whole arm in his asshole during

the fight. That's why I did that. Cause I wanted him to experience the same pain that I felt when he said, I can't put together a mom. He said, I couldn't get, I couldn't find the exit out of target. That's what he said. He said he could get out of the target quicker than I can. When I know I've been there way more many times with my wife than he has with his. So I can handle him saying that he's going to fucking send my wife 900 monkeys. And have to deal with that. Until she calls animal control. But I can't deal with.

I get out of target quick motherfuckers. And that's why I secretly brought this machete and lopped off his head during the fight. Yeah, fighters, dude. That's like, it's so fucking... Eh. Always with the fucking... There was a war in my high school. Armenians versus Koreans versus whites, and it was just hilarious.

You never knew what the shit was that was going to piss everybody off, right? Like, you couldn't talk about an Asian's car. Fuck it. No, no, fuck it. You could not talk about an Asian car. Hey, that Acura, what is it, five years old? Hey, what'd you say? Oh, no, I'm just making a joke.

Why is this knife in me? Armenians, you never knew, dude. Hey, hey, hey, seriously? that's not cool to joke around about that And white dudes Like if you made fun of their fucking The way they dressed Or any really who knows White guys are fucking absolutely the ones that'll kill you

And murder your whole family Cause they're just so secretly Just fucking mad You know because they're just so secretly just fucking mad. You know, being, because white is like, was like the, you know, everybody was white. Everybody in power was white. And now, or I guess they still are, but I don't know.

I have no fucking clue. I haven't read the news in nine years. But, so they had nothing to be mad about, but they were secretly mad about the shit some shit you know they'd be walking around just like yeah everything's cool but then you do something they get such red so red-faced you know but uh a you know the asians in our school or the armenians in our school they would just wear it the mexicans you knew what was up they were just like, hey, bro, we're just fucking, hey, move on, dog. Move on, man. Move on, man.

You don't want to fuck with us, dog. We're like, yeah, I kind of believe that. Hey, man. It's all good, right? Whatever, dude. All right. To the break of dawn baby that conor mcgregor fight was fucking crazy he got his fucking ankle i was texting my buddy who's a a martial artist and he was like it's over for him man it's so fucked you're so fucked with that injury. You break your ankle or whatever shin

and you're just like, it's such long rehab. And then you got to, first of all, the pain lasts a long time. Then you got to rehab it. That's a long time. And then you got to like go through it in your head.

I bet it fucks your head up almost rough. I bet that fucks your head up though, dude. Like you're just like, oh, I, you know, I, I know also he's at the age where he's like, can I still do it? I don't even want to fucking think about that, but you know what? He's got fucking $900 million. So who cares, bro? I would take a broken leg for that much money. Fuck all that. God, that must hurt. Fuck all that though. I'm going to do, I'm going to, I got to read my fucking TikTok comments, dude. This is unbelievable. I did this once a few episodes ago, and it was great.

And I just got to do it. I put up a TikTok. First of all, follow me on TikTok. TikTok is the... Oh, look at this. This is the first thing that popped up. Hell yes. I mean, this is on TikTok. just when i pulled it up dude they're

listening this is absolutely uh listening to us so that's cool phones are listening to us so i put up a tiktok dude this the whole what are you gonna do if shit what you do what wyd is my favorite what you do if we walk into a cvs and i go like this what are you gonna do and then people will just be like this is what i do but there's like this what you doing if we break into your house uh trend and people are just like pretending to walk through doors and shit but nobody's walking through the door like they're gonna break into the fucking house they're just walking through the door all sexy and shit like bro these guys these two big ass dudes come in and they're just like what you doing if we break into your house and they just like like this and they walk

in and then the one guy goes and you're just like i'm telling you i don't want to fuck if you walk into my house like that this trend dude so i put up this thing these dudes walk into this the house and i and i reacted to it uh it was a joke i was hiding behind my my my son my who's 17 months you know and your boy goes crazy viral so it's just fucking your boy goes fucking nutso viral you know your your boy he's dot com your boy goes hard in fucking Viral City. I'll just say that. Your boy goes absolutely bonk nation in fucking. Dude.

It's unreal how fucking. I get fucking. Anyway. The comments. Because it starts with what are you going to do at Breaking House? I think some people think I was. Somebody wrote, the two black guys walking in and somebody wrote literally twins and they were talking about me and Calvin and I wrote, just because they're both black doesn't mean they look alike.

That's funny. I did that and that's funny. Somebody says, anyone down to make friends in the comment section? Love it. That's great. Very cool. You're keeping it real. I'll like that because that was

from Shupkra. But people, when you get lower in the comments, I love it when they get serious, dude. I mean, you're not bulletproof, my guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. So you're just going to shoot the guys, I guess. All right.

Somebody writes, frisk me, yeah. Okay, cool. So you're just going to shoot the guys, I guess. All right. All right. Somebody writes, frisk me, please. And then somebody writes, hit him with the lead dude I love tough dudes behind a screen and his fucking avatar is a cartoon caterpillar

with sunglasses on standing in front of Saturn hit him with the lead and his name is Cameron he's so white what is this i always get who are you on my comments just what do you mean i'm the guy you're commenting on the fucking page is that are you are you trying to is that something honestly is that something somebody does to make you feel or try and feel irrelevant is that what that is one fire said yes dude i don't even get it who are you

you know what i always i like you get it unless you're fucking will smith you get people i don't even i don't even know who you are, but my friend. It's like, what does that make it? You're cooler because you don't know? I got to know. I don't know. You don't know who I am, so I... You're cool for not knowing somebody who goes fucking nuts so viral?

You're the cool one because you don't know what's going on when your boy goes fuck i go crazy viral every week i'm the fucking asshole that's but but it's like there is like everybody doesn't know somebody sorry man oh bro you're irrelevant what the fuck okay i don't even who gives a fuck dude fame fucking sucks anyway um somebody writes uh somebody writes good lord you attract literal dumpster trash in your comment section i had no idea it was this bad it's it's every comment section do it it all turns to fucking absolute anger people was just like everyone shows that they have deeper issues um look look look look look well you have broken in so I would have

so I would have to fight win or lose everyone going home hurting that's fucking hilarious to actually think about that if like someone was trying to fight you and you're like oh looks like everybody's going home hurting oh looks like everyone's going home fucking hurting huh whoever wins it doesn't matter we're both getting hurt Oh, looks like everyone's going home fucking hurting, huh?

Whoever wins, it doesn't matter. We're both getting hurt. Here we go. Why are... Oh, yeah, this is where I was. Why are all these people trying to break into my house, which is hilarious because that's the trend. LOL, the body ain't scaring me. Tell them lock the door because today one or all of us gonna

die. Jesus Christ. Calling your mama and letting her know when your funeral is. Imagine that, dude. They walk in. Hold on one second, guys. What's your mom's number? Huh?

What's your mom's number? All right, I'll bite. Here it is. Send it to you. Okay, just give me one second. Hello? Hi. Hi.

Okay, so I've got something for you. Is this Mrs. What's your last name? Is this Mrs. Johnson? Yeah. Well, uh, we have a funeral on our hands in about a week and it's going to be your son and his friend. Who is that? Oh, that's your brother. Okay. And it's going to be your son and his friend. Who is that? Oh, that's your brother? Okay, so it's going to be both of your sons. Which ones? How many brothers do you have? Four brothers? So two of them.

And it's going to be, who is it? Derek and Jim. Derek and Jim. So in a week, we have... Oh, I played this way wrong i lied on tiktok and this is not what i would do turns out because i so bitch how i just grabbed fucking one called it out he went bitch trying to grab the phone dude when you lose something under your desk, it's the most bitch. Wherever you're going, you better believe American Express

will be right there with you. Heading for adventure? We'll help you breeze through security. Meeting friends a world away? You can use your travel credit. Squeezing every drop out of the last day? How about a 4 p.m. late checkout? Just need a nice place to settle in? Enjoy your room upgrade. Wherever you go, we'll go together. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by card. Terms apply. But dude, you know what? Have you ever done this in school, like when you were in high school and shit, and you're just chilling, and you're like touching under the desk, and you're listening to the teacher, and you're just like, cool.

And then you realize for fucking 15 minutes you've been fingering some old gum. You ever do that shit? You're just like, and I guess in your subconscious, you're like, that's a screw that just keeps this desk together. And then you realize, why is it a little soft? Oh, because I'm fingering someone's gum that's been there for fucking two years. What are you going to do? What are you going to do if I'm fingering gum after two years? Calling your mom and telling her when the funeral is?

Calling your mom and telling her when the funeral is. So listen, your son Carl, two years ago, put some gum under the table. And I just want to let you know that in about a week, you're going to have to go to his funeral. TikTok trends, bro. Your boy goes stupid viral on tiktok i i fucking met guy fieri once dude that's hilarious and he was all guy fieri he was just so guy fieri you know you see those guys that like wear the sun you know because the guys are who are so themselves like the guy like guy fieri has fucking flames on his shirt and like always and just like sunglasses and spiky hair and he just had that he had that where i saw him at a house at someone's house he had that and he was like you're gonna love this and i'm like what is

it pork belly they're always making like fucking you you're like, what? People even eat that? Yup. Oh yeah. They do all the time. Are you crazy? They make you feel stupid. Okay. Oh, they're going to love this. What's this? Duck brain. What? They eat this? Are you crazy? You fucking idiot. Hell yeah. I don't have flames on the bottom of my shirt for nothing. Oh, I don't get the correlation, but okay. Give me two duck brains, please. Two? Here's 40. With a reduction sauce, whatever the fuck that is. There's only one thing on a menu that has a

reduction sauce. I don't know what the fuck that is. When a waiter says, and it's a nice reduction, I just want to be like, you know what, dude, just fucking never mind. How about that? Bring me a goddamn burger with your fucking reduction sauce shit. What? There's less of it. What are we talking about? Reducing? I don't want it. Oh man, here we go. What's that? Dragon eyes. What?

Those exist. Well, how are they going to see? No, I mean dragons. Are you kidding me? What are you, a fucking cunt? Whoa, Jesus Christ. Here, here's 50 of them. Eat them all or it's disrespectful. Oh, my God, dude.

How are those dragon eyes? Just a mouthful of fucking dragon eyes with fucking barbecue sauce on them this is so gross there's one on the floor it's rolling get it okay get it with your mouth not your hand you fucking stupid cunt jesus christ he hits hits you. Ow. I'm Guy Fieri for no reason. Let me put barbecue sauce on the side of your face. Oh my God. You're being so disrespectful. So how was last night? Oh, well, you know, you're not going to believe this, but I was at someone's house and Guy Fieri was there. Really? Yeah. No. And that's not it, dude. He made me eat fucking duck brains, pork belly and fucking dragon eyes. And then he fucking made me eat them off the floor and put barbecue sauce on the side of my face and called me cunt twice. Oh, it sounds like Guy Fieri. Welcome to burgers,

dine-ins and drives or whatever the fuck. Hi, I'm Guy Fieri. Welcome to burgers, dine-ins, and drives. Or whatever the fuck. Hi, I'm Guy Fieri. Welcome to burgers, dine-ins, and drives. What? Did you even think of the name? Hey, what's up? I'm Guy Fieri. Welcome to Dragon Balls, and I soars and punk bitches. What? Welcome to I'm Guy Fieri. Welcome to Dragon Balls,

punk soars, and what'd I say? Punk bitches, but what was the source? Oh, yeah. No, Eyeballs. Ah, fuck it. Who cares? I'm going back like it's some important shit I said.

You're a punk bitch, aren't you? Eat this. I'll put my belly on you, just fucking putting it on your shoulder. All right. Bro, I, oh, I did Twitch with fucking Kristen. I did Twitch and we played It Takes Two and it's a fun game.

Didn't realize halfway through that there was an intro that we didn't even fucking look at because it just kind of played first before we sat down to play and we didn't know what was going on in the game. And we played it. It's a cool game.

It was fun, very fun, from the makers of that movie that I talked, or movie, from the makers of that video game that I talked about. I mean, they're all movies now anyway with the fucking cut scenes, dude. Goddamn, you can't play a fucking video game with no cut scene.

Dude, I don't want to watch the cut scenes, man. I just want to play the video game. I don't need a fucking scene explaining some shit for 30 minutes. Alas, we play. Alas, we play. Lest we forget, we still play. Okay?

So I did it and we played it and it was fun, dude. A nice bonding moment. Fucking absolute heat rose. Absolute got, absolutely got hot. Fucking doing it like this, twisting the controller and being like,

baby, you got it, baby. You got it, baby. You got it. Okay, so you jumped too soon. You jumped too soon. And that's why, and then I died too. And so it's like,

that's me playing a video game and I'm like, it's supposed to not be mad, right? Because everything is not going to be her fault. Okay, fine. But I still want it to be. So everything's not her fault, but want it to be.

So now how do we figure that out, right? Because I'm a human and I'm a male and I'm in a relationship, so I want things to be not my fault. And so we played it, and then I think we're going to play more games. And my Twitch, by the way, is fucking Flex Avenue. It's Flex Avenue, dude.

Join me on Twitch. It's Flex Avenue time. Dude, I'm handsome when I make that face. Flex Avenue, dude. I used to go in my parents' bedroom late at night to try and make them laugh because I knew that that was a bad audience because they wanted to be going to sleep and they'd be so mad at me. I would come in and I would just do fucking posing and shit. And I would be like, this is what I would do if I was a bodybuilder. And I would do fucking all sorts of poses.

And my mom always cracked first. She'd start laughing and then my dad would start laughing but dude because your boy was lanked out dude your boy was lanky as shit dude he looked like two coat hangers that's what he looked like man just a fucking string bean with some fucking uh styro what were those uh styrofoam what were those things called in kindergarten? That you twist around and they were like styrofoam pipe cleaner shit. That kind of shit, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

Love when I forget words that I fucking knew ever since I was a little kid. Juan just opened up a white claw. Juan Fire. Just fucking did it over the renner too. He was waiting. Unreal, dude. Waiting for the renner to drop and he just goes. Dude, it just.

To try and catch it. Wow, we love white claw, dude. Never had one. Oh, no, I have. Oops. Before I knew what a fucking white claw dude Never had one Oh no I have Oops Before I knew what a fucking white claw was I drank it I thought it was a fucking energy drink

And I was like The fuck Like nine sips in I was like What the fuck is this And I looked And it had alcohol in it So that's the only drinking

I've ever done in my life Is nine sips of White Claw. And then Kristen was like, do you feel it? For way too long afterwards. I'm like, babe, I don't feel anything. So we played Twitch

and it was never my fault when we did bad. And, um, but dude, these cut scenes, they got to go, man. Like, just let me jump on a fucking King, King Dragon or whatever they got to go, man. Like, just let me jump on a fucking King,

King dragon or whatever the fuck they are in Mario. Um, and we played and what was I going to say about that? So follow us on flex Avenue funnel. Follow me on flex Avenue. I'm going to do some more gaming with her, but I'm also going to do some gaming solo. Maybe who knows,

dude, maybe I'm a gamer now. Did you ever fucking think of that? Stop being on my fucking case. Maybe I'm a gamer now. Did you ever fucking think of that? Stop being on my fucking case. Maybe I'm a gamer now. Um, I forget what I was going to say, but it was going to be something so rad. Previously on Congratulations.

I'm Guy Fieri. Welcome to Dragon Balls and Eyesores and Punk Bitches. That was the rad thing that I fucking said. Fuck it. I didn't want to do it. I forgot it, so that was what it was anyway. I don't remember, but Twitch is pretty cool. I had fun.

The screen was small, and then we made it bigger. We fucked it up a little bit. Of course, Ivan get rid of in one fire, and then one fire came over and was there, and then fucking left. I had no idea. Fucking just drinking White Claws all the way home. Just fucking opening White Claws when the music drops.

Just waiting, listening to SiriusX to serious xm oh it's time sorry little kids but i'm gonna kill a clown today today i don't know man we got merch up on the shits. We've got the Life Rips stuff all out. I'm wearing the Life Rips shit right now. The shorts, dude. These shorts are fucking... Hell yeah, dude. Move the cords.

Woo-hoo! Tangled. Fucking badass, dude. Anyway, we lose our minds, babies. We we lose our minds let's get to this log cabin so we can just quit you know everyone needs to oh i was reading the tiktok comments and i stopped whatever dude it doesn't matter we fly by the seat of our pants on this episode um yeah so and oh and we're gonna put the twitch link in the YouTube bio. So you can just go click that and fucking follow me on Twitch. I'm a gamer now.

Oh, I remembered what the fuck I want to talk about. I had to take a break to remember it. And I can't remember it. Dude, remember the game fucking GoldenEye? Dude, when I was, when I played, who the fuck? I stopped playing video games when you're supposed to stop playing video games, by the way. And that's 23 years old. You're supposed to let it linger after high school for a little bit and that's when you stop now one fire's looking at me like no he's going like this no and

the reason is because he plays war zone and he probably also like fucking literally buys fake video game guns in the fucking video game or more more more ammo or some shit whatever i don't know it's so dorky to do that. People do it fine. He definitely bought a skin before, you know what I mean? Like what? It's a Homer Simpson skin.

And so, uh, hey, look, when he gets killed, um, how much was it? It was a thousand dollars. And, uh, but dude, I loved it when the game, that's what I'm saying. All the cut scenes, bro. Get them out of here, man. Remember Goldeneye? Dude, Goldeneye. I never it when the game That's what I'm saying all the cut scenes bro get him out of here man Remember Goldeneye dude Goldeneye I never played a video game more

Not Goldeneye Perfect Dark Dude that video game Perfect Dark with the grenade launcher Bro I was lethal With the grenade launcher in Perfect Dark I was fucking lethal You couldn't First of all you couldn't find me I was like a fucking zit on your back he couldn't find me.

I was like a fucking zit on your back. You can't find me, bro, but it hurts. It hurts when you do. Okay? Now, I didn't realize that that analogy was going to be so bomb when I started it, but it really was. I'm like a zit on your back. You can't find me, but when you do it hurts

um yeah dude and i would just across the fuck it would hit the wall and and you're gone bro you see red and you're gone that was perfect dark played it so much but call the duty a little bit that was when i was like all right this ain't no perfect dark and perfect dark was no gold and i do those boxy ass james bond guys just running with the fucking with the you know with the mind with the mind and then just here he goes boom let it off bro that shit i was killing it with that and then that was it dude but gold and i was the shit perfect dark was when they lost the rights to the James Bond franchise. They made Perfect Dark.

It's the same game, but it's called Perfect Dark. It was on GameCube. I don't even remember. Not GameCube, but one of those fuck... N64, that's what it was, dude. Ivan Kutrytov coming in

with the fucking dorkiness, dude. We love it. Anyway, man, I wonder what it would be like to play those games again. You'd probably be like, it'd probably be like those old, like to play it now after I was playing like really good games.

It's probably like playing fucking the little thing with the, with these things and the ball goes and hit between them. What the fuck was that thing called? What is it? Pong? Yeah. And then I played also, there was another version of it later on in Nintendo. But anyway, who cares? You know that one?

Arkanoid. Dark Olympics. Anyway, Arkanoid, dude. Why'd they call it that? Dude, why'd they call it Arkanoid? Do you know? Why'd they call it Arkanoid, dude? Yeah, but Arkanoid, dude.

Arkanoid. Wow. Wow, I was the Arkanoid dude arkanoid wow wow i was the arkanoid king the worst king um so yeah you know it was cool to fucking have my dad on on the episode 200 it was very cool to have my dad on it was really not you know i i wasn't sure you know i don't ever have guests and uh except, except for my brother. And I thought, you know what, 200, I got to do something nice and fun and special. I thought I did. I thought about maybe I didn't have to, but, um, I was like, I think I should eventually. And then I asked my dad, I was like, would you want to be on my podcast? And he was like, sure. And I was like, oh, hell yeah. We got a lot of shit to talk about. Like the calamari, like the tea, like the fucking toaster.

And we got to the hard hitting issues, man. Almost threw up. And my dad, my dad, and then I posted a clip on it on Instagram and somebody wrote, this isn't funny. You've done it before. And it wasn't funny the first time when you talked about the fucking pasta, how many meats in the pasta. And I was like, dude, maybe you just don't like

me. Why are you following? But we got to the bottom of it, dude. Basically, I get really pent up about how people saying certain things and my dad saying certain things and my dad just doesn't give a fuck. He goes, okay.

And I'm just like, it can't seem much to okay. But it was great to have him on, dude. I love my family. It was also cool to have my dad on because, you know, that's one of those things where I was like,

maybe I will have my dad on my podcast, and then it's like he's 73. I mean, he's probably going to live to be fucking 95 with the way he is. But, you know, it's like they're getting older and shit. You ever think about that? Oh, man, I don't want to go down this road. But I did, dude. Oopsie-daisy, I went down that road. It's like your parents are just going to.

Dude, one time I was in therapy when i used to do therapy the first time didn't really stick wasn't really listening to her but she said uh we were talking about parents dying and shit and she was like yeah the only good thing about your parents dying is that you don't ever have to live through that again and i was like. End of the movie with the credits, bro. If you don't get it i'll explain it after well the only good thing about your parents dying is that you never have to experience again all the lonely ones in lonely places lonely faces lonely traces and i think it's kind of funny

Funny what it says Can I find this legend Mad world Mad world What the fuck? Oh, shit, dude. Fuck it, I want to do it again. Well, the only thing good about your...

Dude, I'm so annoying, man. Oh, shit. I don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, the only good thing about your family dying is that you don't have to fucking go through it again. As it does again, a funny place. Sunny traces, bunny faces. Sunny traces, bunny faces. And you've been a kind of bunny.

Those are when I say, those are when I say, Mad world. Mad world. And then the camera comes out, my asshole. And a new movie starts. Wow, dude. If I did mushrooms, I would probably be a teacher or some shit. Like if I did mushrooms, like I'm so already on mushrooms at base that if i did mushrooms everything would probably stop and i would just probably be like so listen here's how you solve stuff um

oh dude this is the greatest i forgot about this did this happen when i was canceled i did that's why i never talked about a podcast, which is a fucking sin, dude. Smokey Robinson mispronounces Hanukkah, dude. Remember this? Hey, Marco. How you doing? Surprise, surprise. This is Smokey Robinson.

I know you didn't expect to hear from me, but I was contacted by your sons, Jeff and Jer. And they wanted me they told me that you used to live in New Jersey dude why is he like dude he was like I mean this is like fucking he was like when he found out

Bryant Gumbel was somebody he was like oh you think he's gonna be the guy with the highest voice you think Bryant Gumbel's gonna be the motherfucker with the black dude the motherfucking black dude with the highest voice? Well, okay, I'll beat the shit out of that motherfucker. Let's do a cameo. He's like Towley, dude.

Oh, you think Brian Gumbel's gonna be the guy with the highest voice? No. It's gonna be Smokey Robinson. Look what I just did. I went higher than Brian Gumbel. Because Brian Gumbel would be like, real sports is a real sport. Here at the sport of gambling, real sports, hey, dude, there should have been six episodes of real sports. Now it's like, we found the greatest jumper. That's not a sport. This guy brings samurai swords on every airplane.

Why? Find out. Real sports. What? And it's just some guy's like, yeah, I just started bringing samurai swords on planes. I don't, I didn't, I don't know. And then at the end, they'll do the interview. This is what I don't like about real sports. At the end of the fucking show, they'll interview the guy who interviewed the guy already.

Do you know what I mean? Like it'll be fucking, uh, uh, uh, Brian Gumbel interviewing the guy. And then at the end, it'll be like Brian Gumbel sitting there with another lady and she'll be like, so why did you do that? And Bryant Gumbel's like, well, I thought I should ask him and I'm really... Hey, I smoke Rambles. Let's do it again. Here we go.

...cross the street from me and gosh, that's beautiful. Don't give a fuck. How you doing again? Nice talking to you again I guess but anyway you're living in Vancouver now and they want me to wish you happy Chanukah Chanukah

how do you not know what Hanukkah is Chanukah dude How do you not know what Hanukkah is? Chinooka, dude. That's what it said. Hanukkah. That's the way he said it. Oh my mouth forgot.

Dude. No idea what Chinooka is. Yeah, no shit. Happy Chinooka. Neither do we. Because they said so. You're living in Vancouver now and they want me to wish you happy Chinooka because they said so. You're living in Vancouver now. And they want me to wish you happy Chinooka. I have no idea

what Chinooka is. But happy Chinooka because they said so. Anyway, God bless you, babe. And enjoy Chinooka. Have a wonderful time. I mean, dude, how? Somebody says, I only wish all my mistakes were this charming

and innocent if a white guy made that mistake somebody would comment he needs to die you know what I mean oh wow doesn't know about Jews huh what a privilege that guy must have I guarantee it look another person his intentions were pure but this is still too funny What a privilege that guy must have. I guarantee it. Look.

Another person. His intentions were pure, but this is still too funny. If it was a white guy, he'd be like, cut off his legs. He doesn't know what Jews are. I mean, dude, this is hilarious. Anyway. All right, dude. You guys are great.

Thank you very much. We got the merch, dude. We got more merch coming. But Life Rips killed it with the shorts today. Thank you very much. We got the merch, dude. We got more merch coming. But Life Rips killed it with the shorts today. Thank you very much. You're welcome. That was me talking to myself. And I will also say this, man.

I wanted to share this with you. If you've been on the road with me, if you've been on the road to see me before, the guy who would open for me, Michael Linoci, is in chicago at the laugh factory august 12th at 8 p.m the tickets are uh at www.michaellenochi.com or it's in his instagram bio and he told me to say that i'm sure so you'll fucking follow him on instagram that motherfucker but um it's all good go see him in chicago at the laugh factory chicago at the laugh factory and uh Chicago at the Laugh Factory. And that's, Mike Linoche is going to be there. So that's cool. Go support the homie.

And I think that that's it. That's all I wanted to talk about. But thanks very much, you guys. Sayonara. Oh, also, before I even say sayonara, there is that new, we're doing a new segment on Patreon that we're doing that you can uh watch it and it's called why you don't want me to say it's on patreon why though oh yeah i gotta sell it more okay no

you're right i gotta sell it more watch how i do it watch i go in sell mode hey guys you guys tired of not having segments? Well, check this out. There's a new segment, and it's called Review Mode, starring me, Chris D'Elia. And what you got to do is sign up for the Patreon, and I review all sorts of unbestankable crazy shit. Dude. I do crazy shit. I review movie trailers, cars, fucking shirts.

Who cocks? I review everything, man. I see pictures and stuff and I go, hey, man, that should be like this or this should be like that. Dude, you're going to want to fucking get a subscription on my Patreon so you can get this new segment. Dude, just more content for that ass. I'm sorry little kids, but I'm gonna kill a clown today. Hey guys, that's the episode for that ass on YouTube.

If you want to see the rest of the episode for that ass, it's on Patreon. So just go on over to my Patreon. That's patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia and you can sign up and not only get the rest of this episode but also all of the other Patreon episodes that are only on Patreon and also all of the other rest of the episodes that are on YouTube.

Anyway, dude, there's so much content. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. See you there. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Should I change my shirt? Should I do a different shirt with the... Because I just did it with the... No?