Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 219. Go Delicious

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🛎 Thank you: ShipStation: https://shipstation.com - use code CONGRATS In this week's episode Chris breaks down the emotions of Red Dead Redemption 2, the metaverse, and how to correctly park on a hill. Also Papa John stays eatin' pizza. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy's it. That's it. That's it. Pack it up, strong guys. Pack it the fuck up. Strong guys. Dude, I want to start. I should start somber, man. The strong guys had their days.

They had their day. The new merch is out. Sport it. We fuck with body weight. We fuck with kettlebells. We do all sorts of jumps. It's crazy. These strong guys are out there breaking.

Look, I'm not in the business of breaking hearts but strong guys i had to do what i had to do and i'm so sorry strong guys i'm sorry to break your heart strong guys but your boys fancy with the kettlebells okay new merch it's up there you go sorry strong guys killing it we killed it. We didn't mean to kill it, but it just happened. Just so happens we killed it trying to not use plastic bottles. So go to crystalia.com and go ahead and break all the strong guys hearts. When you're out in public, when you're at the gym, you get to your gym, you got this fucking nice hoodie. Look at that mustard. Look at that mustard, orange, yellow. Who could forget those

beautiful colors? If you see these colors once, you've seen them a million times after that in your head. They are seared into your head. They are absolutely, that orange, it's basically a new color. I mean, I thought we saw all the colors, right? Red and blue, they make purple. And blue and green, they make green or some shit. Whatever, all of them together make brown. There's like a bunch of different colors. I've never seen this orange. It's burnt.

And we got the black, dude. I'm so sorry to break your heart strong, guys. It's not my problem. Go mend your hearts. I work out. I go delicious on it, dude, I go delicious at the gym, but it's at home, I'm sorry, strong guys, you know what I mean, you're doing it at the fucking place with all the memberships, dude, strong guys, I'm in my garage, getting delicious with it,

sorry to break your heart, dude figure that out two years you'll be better um yeah dude so it's it man that's it and we're doing it and we're fucking moving up we fucking uh sold out sold out sold out sold out ducking one time we sold out the fucking uh shits and it's back. And we get the life rip shit back anyway. Enough of the merch stuff. Let's get it out the way. You know what I mean?

Had to do that and it's all good. It's all good, my baby. Dude, we're chilling, man. Hello. It's November. And yes, dude. Yes. Yes, it's November.

It is November 4th. My Christmas tree is up and I fucking and it shouldn't be. Woohoo! Woohoo, dude, it shouldn't be. Yes, my Christmas tree's up. Do I like it? No. Is it okay? Sure. Does it make Calvin happy? Yes, because of sparkly lights. Does it make Kristen happy? Yes, because it's her favorite time of the year and it gets longer every year. Pretty soon Christmas is just going to be 10 months and there's going to be two months of non-Christmas. And does it keep moving up? Yes. Is it like this podcast and does it keep moving up?

Yes, it does, dude. It does. And it's too much Christmas going on now for the whole year. Halloween, after you hear Oh For the last time In the year, Kristen goes like this And that's when the Christmas lights turn on I say, what about Thanksgiving? And she says, what's Thanksgiving? That's the kind of humor she does

I appreciate it, it's funny But I'm simmering But I'm simmering Because guess what, I lovemas in matter of fact christmas is my favorite part of the year it's my favorite day of the year christmas even christmas are great but when you prolong it what's that do that dilutes christmas doesn't it but i guess not man them hallmark movies are playing she's got that fucking those deep cuts too man she's got deep cuts i mean her cuts go so deep dude she's playing that fucking

uh rudolph the red nose one where the people are all choppy and claymation you know what i'm talking about calvin looks at santa now already and he goes oh oh and i'm like all right well that's real cute but don't tug on my heartstrings dude when i'm trying to be simmering i'm simmering you're trying to tug my heartstrings who dude, when I'm trying to be simmering. I'm simmering. You're trying to tug my heartstrings? Who's side you on, Calvin? And so, yeah, so she put it up and she did it too soon. And it's all good, man. What do you got to do?

What do I? What am I going to do? No? She drags that tree in? No. She asked for help. She wanted to put fucking, what do you call them, gnomes or elves flying up on the ceiling. And I'm just like, that's where I'm going to draw the line.

But guess what? The gnomes will fucking be up soon. ceiling and i'm just like that's where i'm going to draw the line but guess what the gnomes will fucking be up soon i guarantee it dude and i guarantee it the gnomes will be up soon and that's when the fucking men's warehouse guy comes in and says i guarantee it um because that's what's going to happen for sure i say don't put the gnomes up there they're scary calvin thinks they're scary he goes like this nah nah nah nah whatever he sees the gnomes or elves, whatever they are. I think they're elves. What is a gnome? What is an elf?

I don't know. Is it bad to fucking mix up gnomes with elves? Anyway, it's all good, dude. So we're ready for Christmas already. And we put up a video. We shot a little video for the Christmas shit. It's going to be on More Crystalia. Check out that YouTube page, More Crystalia.

And we're going to put them out. We put it out. My new show, With Chris, check out that YouTube page, more Chris D'Elia. Um, and we're going to put them out. We put it out. Uh, my, my new show with Chris comes out every episode. Uh, every, every episode is Monday on, uh, on, uh, on YouTube anyway. Um, so yeah, Christmas is nice, but let's not talk about it. Cause I don't want to fucking have to put that on you to understand how, what a, what a good of a guy I am. So fucking Persian said that. So Persian, what a good of a guy I am, dude, do you understand how good of a guy I am that I am living through this too early Christmas and I'm gonna stop this from getting out of hand on the podcast I'm not gonna talk to you about the Christmas even though I've been talking about for five minutes I'm gonna stop right now because I don't want to subject

you guys to that and that's how much that's how much I respect the people that listen to this podcast okay now you know your book keeps it super disrespectful right but i keep it super disrespectful and that's what makes it respectful right because i'm being me and you get a little slice of me right okay and that's fine and that's great but i would never stoop so low as to subject you to christmas too early now here what we're going to do because we're going to have a Christmas episode later. We'll do that, but that's fine. But yeah, so instead of that, let's talk about this. I was out today and I was getting – no. As a matter of fact, I was waiting in line to get a piece of food.

I was trying to get something to eat. It was probably something like a protein bowl because of how fucking ridiculously fucking stacked I am. And yeah, dude, I eat bread sometimes, but usually just late at night. And then the day I keep it really fucking lean. I'm practically a trout. And so I fucking, so I, I was waiting in line for the fucking, um, for the protein bowl or something like that. I don't know. Maybe they were just handing me a fucking whole salmon.

I can't even remember, but I keep it so lean, dude. And so, uh, I can't remember what he was giving me. Maybe just a fucking head of lettuce. I can't remember, but dude, I was keeping it so lean. It was ridiculous. And I was waiting in line for it. And this guy comes up to me and I fucking parked my car on a Hill. Okay. Now what do you do? I don't, I don't want to know what's legal or what the rules are in that situation. I want to know how I feel about it, right? I had the car facing up the hill, all right? Now, when the car's facing up the hill, I got to go off of feeling, right?

I have to go off of feeling for which way I turn the wheel, all right? I have to do that. Now, let me tell you why I have to do that of feeling for which way I turn the wheel. All right. I have to do that. Now, let me tell you why I have to do that. All right. Cause either way, either way I turn the car wheel, either way, it's going to be fine. As long as I turn it. Okay. Now if it's straight and there's no car behind me, whoopsie daisy, there's a roller coaster and a fucking really nice car is just going to, just cause he's going to be rolling down the fucking street and people are going to have to dive out the way like paper boy. Right. And that's just facts. Where's the cap. Okay. So as long as you turn the wheel a certain way, right? Say this is the

sidewalk and this is the car. Okay. Now this was my car facing up. If I turn the wheel this way, right? Say this is the sidewalk and this is the car, okay? Now, this was my car facing up. If I turn the wheel this way, all right, what's it do? Now, let's just say the brakes give out. Whoopsie-daisy. The back hits it, right? The back hits the curb. Now, you don't want the back to hit the curb, but whoopsie-daisy if it happens, right? And also, whoopsie-daisy if there's a car behind it, maybe whoopsie daisy hits the car, but everyone's fine though, right? The cars get all dented up and smashed, but it's just a fender bender and nobody dies. Okay.

Now let's say you turn the wheels this way, right? Now whoopsie, that's nice. Whoopsie daisy, nobody gets hurt, right? Whoopsie daisy, it's just the tires that hit it, but you got to be really close. You got to be really fucking close. And let's, let's, let's all, when you park like this, dude, and you're just perpendicular, you know, you're, you know, you don't know if you're close enough, especially if you've got a nice car and you've always got a nice car. So if I do it like this and I know maybe I'm not close enough, then guess what could possibly happen? Whoopsie daisy. And

we've got a whole street massacre. Okay. Everyone's got to get hit and all lump the fuck up and die. And I might hit two cars on the way, this one and then that one. All right. But the law says, and I know this, you got to do it like this. Okay. The law says you got to do it like this. So whoopsie daisy. It's just the tire that's touching the side of the curb.

Crisis averted. But I'm thinking more of the, what if I didn't park close enough? Because I'm second guessing myself. And that's a good thing, right? You got to be confident in your life. But when it comes to other people that you could kill, you got to second guess yourself, right? Otherwise, if you don't and they die, you go, oh, I was living my life. And because of the way I lived, a bunch of

people got ran over. All right. Now just follow me. That's the law. But what your boy does is he decides to go at like, do it like this. All right. So when the car goes, boom, it hits the curb. Fine. Might hit the back, the car behind me. All good. I am willing to get a ticket for that that thing right there all right because i will pay if i hit the guy's back the front of that car and my car i'll go through insurance or whatever the fuck you know but i think the law should be this way right but it's not it be this way, right? But it's not, it's this way. I always park it this way. Come get me. Okay. I'm admitting right now in stereo, live in that ass. I go this way. Come get me. All right. So I do that. I get out of my car. I walk over to get in line. I'm probably getting like a full fucking, I don't even know. I'm probably just getting literally like stripped boar's meat. And

I can't remember, but you know I keep it lean, right? So I'm getting something super lean, and this guy comes up to me and he says, hey, man, you parked the wrong way. I'm simmering, right? But I'm cool, right? I breathe. I breathe instead of simmer,

but I'm still simmering, but I'm breathing too, right? And I look at him and I say, what? And the what, even though that's what I said, I said the word, what? The context of it, and he felt it, was why would you say that to me, right? He felt the, you can kind of bend the word to what you want it's like when m&m rhymes door hinge with orange you know what i mean dorns to orange you got an orange dorns right that's what i do when i'm talking to strangers that are out of pocket stranger wants to come up jumping out of a pocket to me i could bend my word to me and whatever the fuck it wants i could say i love you but in real life you hear get the fuck out of here because i've got acting in me corner you understand all right so i know how to bend

my sentences to the feeling of the word. Dude. Okay. I swear to God, if Kristen was in this room listening right now, she would be nodding her head back and forth so much that it would turn around like the exorcist. So I say to him, what? And he says, you have to make it go to where it's pointing the other way

so when it comes down, the tire just catches the curve and i don't say anything because i like for guys to sometimes sit in what they just said so i just stare at him and i say after a few beats oh oh like that like that like oh oh like a crunch with my eyes and he goes like this uh you, you know, I probably don't care. And walks away. Dude, fuck yeah, man. That's a KO.

That's a motherfucking. We do it. Dude, that's a K the fuck. Oh, man, that's a KO, dude. Your boy kills it with them conversational KOs, dude. Come at me. Which way am I supposed to park? I'll scrunch up my eyes and say, why? And you'll leave all fuck. Yeah, man. Oh, I love shit like that, man. Ah, you probably don't care. You know what the best part was? I saw him swallow himself.

He goes like this, ah, and when he goes, it was the thing where it was like, so he says, the thing he says is, ah, you probably don't care. And it was right here when he did, ah, freeze, right there. He was like, there I was. I realized I was that guy.

And then unfrozen. Dude, he realized he was that guy, swallowed himself. And fuck yeah, dude. Technical freaking knockout by your boy. Johnny keeps it lean. Dude, we have fucking two. We have two now, dude. This shit keeps firing on all syllables.

Wasn't sure if I was going to get in the thick of it. Started the podcast. I am extremely in the thick of it, dude. You guys are here. You guys are listening. And I want you to know I fucking love you, dude. I love you with my balls. and that's stronger than your heart. Fuck yeah, dude. I love conversational technical knockouts, but it's all good. Let's cool it down. Let's relax, dude. I'm sweating my motherfucking

ass off, dude. One time my friend in, when I was in Cabo to college for like nine months until I decided that, until I realized that nobody needs to go to college unless you want to be a doctor or lawyer. Dude, if you're not going to be a doctor or a lawyer, what do you do when going to college? Somebody's like, I have a marketing degree. And I go like this. Oh, yeah? Dude, you don't need one. And they're like, well, yeah, you do to get a good job as a marketer.

Okay, well, fine. You can get a good job in marketing or you can build it from the ground up. There's social media now. So I'm still laughing. I'm still laughing, marketing guys. I'm still laughing, professors. P. Diddy didn't go to college. I think Adam Sandler dropped out, maybe, who knows. But it's like, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, if you want to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever the fuck, fine but i was in college for about nine months until i realized i had acting in me corner and i dropped out and started doing stand-up and uh that was when uh and when i was in college dude my friend tom he goes like this hey you ever get swamp ass and i was like knew what it was immediately dude it. It's the most motherfucking Queens shit you could possibly say as a white man.

No doubt. You ever get swamp ass though? Eh, seh, Queens, New York. Eh, seh, Maspeth. Dude, eh, you ever get swamp ass though? Eh, delir, you ever get swamp ass?? Hey, Delir, you ever get swamp ass? Knew what he meant immediately, dude. That's the best when you can make up words

and know what people mean and people know what you mean immediately. You ever get swamp ass? And I know it's like, it is so human. And as a matter of fact, when he said that, I thought my mind went to my ass and it was swamp. He was just right, you know what I mean? You ever get swamp ass?

Yup. God, I used to get so much fucking swamp ass. When it's humid out, forget it, dude. For real. It's so fucking humid. I swear to God, it's so humid. Theo Vaughn lives down there. It's so fucking ridiculously humid.

And it's unbelievable. That's the other thing too, just from Louisiana, like when you're in Louisiana and it's fucking hot as shit and it's August and it's just so at least like you're outside and you feel like you're outside, but when you're in New York and it's humid and there's buildings and shit, and you're smelling like the side of the walls because the humidity is just fucking like a gust of stale humid air will just like waft off of some some outside stucco painted fucking pizzeria and just tickle under your nose and you're just like oh what is that smell and you know it's trash from like three blocks away and you're on fucking avenues

you're not even on streets so that's a long way away your boy's cultural he gets it i should write a book but i won't you know um yeah man swamp ass fucking arm uh you know swamp pit the fucking pits and shit dude forget it man it gets too hot man but we're not it's the cold days now i hate the i don't like the the the cold days are the worst though the fucking hot days i'll take humid and hot over cold any day dude my girl's always like put on it if you i'm i'm fucking hot put on a blanket nah dude nah i want to be so fucking blazing hot above the fucking i've talked talked about this, above the bed, above the covers. I don't go, that's bitch shit.

I don't put the covers over me to do my own temperature. I figure out the temperature and I lay the fuck down over the bed. Because that's how a real motherfucking G sleeps, dude. Sleep, oh yeah, oh oh the middle of the night oh you can tell me a story oh yeah oh am i gonna drink some hot cocoa bro get the fucking sheets out of here sleeping on the bed like a goddamn mummy that's how i do it anyway um ah whatever dude Anyway.

Whatever, dude. Meta. They changed. Finally, Facebook changed. With that bitch ass Facebook. Facebook isn't a name for a company. Meta. Now that's a name for a company, dude.

That's such a good name. People are always hating on everything Facebook's doing. Fine. Hate on the fucking misinformation that they did. The propaganda, the bullshit. Okay, fine. But you know what you did right, Facebook? Renamed your shit to a good thing. Meta is cool. You know why? Because you started the metaverse, dude. You started that as a company, and now it's going to be a thing. That's fucking amazing. Your boy sees the commodity in that. And now guess what? I'm not on Facebook. I mean, I have a fan page on there, but right now your boy's going to have to start to get fucking Facebook again. Because meta, that's the shit. Also, meta world peace somewhere punching the air for real. Just like, God damn it it this shit worked for 10 years

what's his name steve not fucking what's his name uh mark zuckerberg just like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah in the corner unplugging himself meta world peace joke is on you yeah yeah yeah how about the fact that the facebook or meta headquarters are one hacker way sixposing yourself hacker one hacker oh man did they mean to do that they had to dude fuck them but that's all good dude you're meta now they got the infinite loop the infinity loop or however the fuck it is that's all good, dude. You're meta now. They got the infinite loop, the infinity loop, or however the fuck it is. That's what's up. Meta, dude, taking over the world. Salute, take it over. Guarantee I would be so fucking evil if I went to go out. Dude, if I created some shit like Fate, but let me tell you something, man. Mark Zuckerberg has

no personality. We all know that. And it's because he plugs himself in at night. He's a goddamn robot. And that's fine. But he, you know, he's either a robot that looks like a human or a human that looks like a robot. Either way, he's taken over the world. Bro, thank your lucky stars it's not me in that situation. Oh, bro, forget that, man. I'd wear capes. I'd fire guns everywhere.

I'd be in an Arby's firing guns up. And then they'd arrest me, but I'd be like, what can you do? I have all the money. Yeah, dude. Amazing. be in an Arby's firing guns up and then they'd arrest me but I'd be like what can you do I have all the money um yeah dude amazing that they did just change your name and people are just up in arms so mad at all the shit they're gonna come out and they're gonna survive talk about survivors dude that song by destiny child is literally about fucking meta I'm a survivor um yeah yeah yeah yeah that's how Mark Zuckerberg laughs for real meats meats I love meats I love meats

joke is on you meta um I don't know I don't even know does Mark Zuckerberg he's so smart though he has to be so smart right so it's like but I almost want to be like give him the benefit of the doubt and be like does he really know what the fuck he's doing or is he truly an evil genius like because that's the other thing I don't believe in in uh in evil I don't believe in that when people say like oh he's a monster he's this he's that people like you don't get it dude this person grew up a different way than you okay you don't understand like dude the

people the way people lived in the in the 1600s they were lopping each other's heads off for like believing in witches if anyone did that now they'd immediately get incarcerated right there would even be a trial they'd be like lock him up he lopped off somebody for believing something right but that you don't know how you would be back in 1620 because you didn't grow up in 1620 and that goes for people who are from you know los angeles and then there's people from st louis and then there's people from vancouver there's people from india dude there's people from uh barcelona there's people from Botswana. There's people from Iran. You don't know what the fuck these people's lives were like. So you're like, oh yeah, they're barbarians. They're monsters. You don't know. You don't know how you would fare. I'll tell you what, if I grew up

anywhere where there's like no running water, that's it for me. That's it for me. Immediate warlord, war criminal, warlord, warlord. I don't even know if there are warlords anymore. I am the warlord. Dude, if dysentery, what's the dysentery? That's the thing that you get when you drink the water and the worms are in it and you got a shit everywhere, diarrhea, dysentery,'t there whatever the fuck dude if that's anywhere near me immediate warlord you understand how good you got it these motherfuckers are living in america but but uh what's it called uh you don't know but america has the fucking projects america's got shit where there's no running water and i'm not saying that that's what happened to what's his name fucking mark zuckerberg but my point is you don't, that's the extreme version. You don't

know how somebody grew up. You don't know if somebody grew up and were whipped every day by their parents. You don't know. And people don't tell you, they don't meet you and say, hi, hello. I was whipped every day by my parents. And you say, oh, well, that's why you're a fucking asshole. And you stole my parking space. You don't do that, right right you literally just sit and you think well that person's a fucking asshole because of the way that they are and the way that it's not about what happened to them that's that's one of the things it's like when you when something happens to you and it's unjust or shitty you think hey fuck that thing that happened to me but if you see someone else act a certain way

that you might even act, you don't think, hey, I wonder what happened to that guy. You think that person's a fucking asshole. And that is incongruous. Think about that for everyone. Dude, I got some empathy going on, man. What can I say?

I'm an empath. What can I say, man? If I grew up a place with dysentery is that what it's called i fucking i'm a warlord immediate by nine years old lop his head off that's me in a diaper with just a shirt on they probably don't even make shirts wherever i am just a diaper they probably don't have diapers i just got someone else's hat that i lop their head off stole their hat and i piss and shit in their hat, and I tape it around my fucking, my baby bum. Lop his head off. I'm angry as shit by nine.

You understand? Because you don't know me. If dysentery is around and I'm brought up. Are you following me at all? Does this make any sense? Producers aren't even saying anything. Walk them all in my shoes. That's where that comes from.

Nobody gives a fuck about that nowadays. They just want to fucking castrate Chris Pratt for what he fucking said about his beautiful wife on Instagram, right? Do you see about this shit? Chris Pratt? Pratt? Well, let me just go. fucking said about his beautiful wife on instagram right do you see about this shit chris pratt pratt uh well let me just go chris pratt here we go let me google it here's the news i'll just go to news chris pratt's a good guy okay chris pratt slammed online for posts about

katherine schwarzenegger lost respect for you this is what he writes shared a photo of himself and his wife wrapping their arms around one another schwarzenegger 31 gays lovingly this is from fucking some website fox i think news well i don't know uh guys for this is what he says guys for real look how she's looking at me hey i don't want to buy wine click off this fucking banner guys for real look how she's looking at me i mean find you somebody that looks at you like that you know he captioned a photo we met in church she's looking at me. I mean, find you somebody that looks at you like that, you know, he captioned the photo. We met in church. She's given me an amazing life, a gorgeous, healthy daughter. She chews so loudly that sometimes I put my earbuds to drown it out, but that's love. That's what he said. Pratt then joked about while his wife helps him with everything,

he returns the favor periodically by opening a jar of pickles. That's the trade, he added. Her heart is pure and it belongs to me. My greatest treasure. Right next to my Ken Griffey Jr. Upper deck rookie card. Which if you know. Is. You know is saying a lot.

He continued. It's her birthday in about six weeks. So if I don't get anything. I'll tell her to look back on this post. Love you honey. Cool. Obviously joking. Obviously fucking joking somebody says

you do know you have a son right said a follower in reference to pratt's nine-year-old son jack whom he shares his with ex-wife anna faris should he also be a greatest treasure and someone else says for me if was the emphasis it else says, for me, it was the emphasis on healthy child, like your firstborn is lesser in your eyes, suggested a commenter. You need to go read that sentence through his eyes and apologize to him because your wording was cruel, dude. Someone else says, wait, you might not get her anything another ass while the third posed if you don't get her anything met in church but you left your first wife for her so i wouldn't call you mr holy you open a jar of pickles? Her heart belongs to you? Someone says, what the hell happened to you, man? This is great. I really don't think this is as great of a post

as you think it is, warned another. Yeah, lost respect for you in this post for multiple reasons. Sad. Hey, guys. You're fucking losers. Look, Pratt, whose reps did not immediately respond to Fox's news request. Yeah, no shit. Stop wasting fucking time. It's so ridiculous. How hilarious. And fucking God god anybody who comments on anything i comment on shit all the time but you're just like it's like i gotta stop how is this something

dude and this is fox news mainstream media dude huh any media really honestly not even just mainstream media anybody who's like i'll figure it out you don't know oh fuck i'm gonna go slip into something a little more comfortable i'm hot i'll be right back and we're back there that's much better uh i had to put on the fucking something that's a little bit more comfortable we're loving it look at that beautiful the lettering pops um yeah so dude papa john's i don't know if he's trying to stay in the news or what but he said dude this is so unbelievable okay papa johns said that he has eaten 800 pizzas in 18 months. Okay.

That's fucking so many pizzas. That's way more than I've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days living currently in Marks. Dude, that's so many pizzas. Don't have that many pieces. He said he wanted to make sure that the quality of the pizzas. Don't have that many pizzas. He said he wanted to make sure that the quality of the pizzas still held up since he was fired for saying the n-word. The whole thing is so 2001, it's unbelievable.

First of all, dude, you're going against your own argument, but I want to see if the quality is still up to par. Hey, dude, if you ate 800 pizza in 18 months, the quality's fine because you're alive. Okay? You're an alive person still.

The quality's fine. Dude, that's 44 pizzas. What is it? 44 pizzas a month? 44 pizzas a month? I the quality's fine dude that's 44 pizzas what is it 44 pizzas a month 44 pizzas a month i think it's far i think i did the math it's 44 pieces it's 6 400 slices of pizza dude 44 pizzas a month that's one and a half pizzas a day dude if i eat three pizzas That's one and a half pizzas a day. Dude, if I eat three pizzas, period, in any amount of time, in fucking three weeks, I feel like I'm going to die. And Papa John's is what, 60?

800 pizzas in eight. Also, you didn't. I want to know how much he's lying that that's what i want to know i i want to know he he he might have eaten zero pizzas because if you're saying you've you've eaten 800 pizzas in eight uh in 18 months you you're of course lying so why wouldn't you lie all the way? He's gangster though. As a kid, I realized that if you lie and you pick the craziest lie, people will believe it because why the fuck would you lie that crazy? But this still, this, this is beyond that.

Like I remember one time this, uh, my, my buddy called to ask if I wanted to hang out. I didn't like the guy. And I was like an eighth grade. And I was like, I don't know how to respond. So I was like, sorry, man, I got to go to the opera. I was in eighth grade. He was like, Chris, you want to hang? I was like, oh, I can't, I can't get out of it, man. My mom and dad are taking me to the opera. Never went to the opera. That's what came out though. And what's he going to do? What was he going to know you? If I said, oh, I can't because I'm

grounded. He'd find out. The opera? He'll just leave it alone. He'll leave it alone. David Lim would leave it alone. That was his name. I think it was David Shin, actually. Can't remember.

Racist. Yeah, dude. Anyway, didn't eat 800. Why is this? And then it's news, dude. Oh, and this is the next fucking thing below it.aced piece of mogul papa john this i i don't like when they call people disgraced i don't like when they call people disgraced because that's up to the person that is completely up to the person to me you can't call me disgraced because i i'm cool i'm chilling dude you know papa john's is like chilling with fucking crazy statues in his house he's not

that's up to him this fucking guy's still making news disgrace to what he's eating fucking 800 pizzas in 18 months dude you think that sounds like a disgrace guy? No way. That's king shit, dude. That is king shit. Just only eating pizzas with toppings, by the way. Dude, with toppings, that's like doubling it up. I mean, if you eat a meat lovers pizza half the time of those 400 meat lovers, even if you eat 10 meat lovers pizza, that fucking stacks up. This guy's going to blow the fuck up. He's going to look like a Dick Tracy character soon. Disgraced pizza mogul Papa John thinks a sculpture in his mansion of two eagles humping is badass. Of course it does.

I have never read a surprising headline about Papa John's. Any guy that would have two gold eagles sculpted, humping in your house, of course would use the term to describe it, badass. Also, every other fucking thing I see, this guy, God, this guy looks like the fucking, God, this guy looks like the guy that would,

that would like, like that I'd know in high school that dated like the fucking god this guy looks like the guy that would that would like like that i'd know in high school that dated like the fucking trashy girl 40 pizzas and 800 pizzas in 18 months also why are you counting how many pizzas you're eating after 12 don't you lose track also if you're eating 800 pizzas to try and confirm the quality of papa john's why don't you know after three pizzas oh what what number did you get to 800 was the one where he's like you know what i got it i figured it out dude it's not it's actually it's not up to par 800 later dude stop after a few bites of one slice dave portnoy's got that one bite test.

He just goes in, comes out, yeah, I got a pizza, yeah, fuck it, yeah, it's all right, that's it, that's the whole show. Papa John's is trying to do a fucking docu-series about this goddamn shit. 800 pizzas in 18 months.

Papa John Schnatter. Isn't that his last name, Schnatter? Wow. Papa John and fucking Aaron Rodgers together, I'm telling you right now, could launch the biggest crypto shit. It's unbelievable. They could literally launch the biggest crypto shit. It would be like a fucking GIFif like a fucking thing that didn't even turn that much like a pizza that was just holographic and shit and it would be getting injected with a fucking coronavirus shit that shit i'm telling you right now if they did that they'd be fucking

minted they already are minted but they'd be fucking minted dude this guy's obsessed with the quality of people got fired dude he's an evil villain papa john schnapper's an evil villain he was fired at like what 50 years old and is obsessed with papa john still dude if you fire me i'm gone i'm gone i'll never do i'll never be around the thing again i got cut out of that cut out of that movie i didn't watch it I'm gone dude See ya I'm not sitting watching it night after night Could have been me Eating fucking 40 pizzas in 30 days

You cut your boy out I'm gone I'm not a part of it dude He's an evil villain I'll show these motherfuckers I'll keep eating their pizzasers I'll keep eating their pizzas And I'll eat so many pizzas That I will eventually either be

Taking them down Or ruling their company once again And every time I see Papa John's In a fucking news article He's always wearing A fucking red button down Hey Papa John Stop wearing that, huh?

Even if it's not the outfit, don't reminisce with... This guy's lost his mind, dude. This guy's gonna take... He could launch the biggest crypto with Aaron Rodgers, dude. What are you doing? I need to do it. I need to get on that NFT game, dude. I need to get on that NFT game, dude.

I need to get on NFT, dude. Just sell my fucking cock and balls. Holographic cock and balls. Moving back. Dude, the NFTs are so stupid. Dude, NFTs are so fucking stupid. And every DJ in the game is like, All right, check it out.

Got an NFT now. You can buy five seconds of my music and own it. How much is it? Four million point five. That fucking Beeple crap guy who's the only guy who did it right, you know? And then everyone else is trying to fucking duplicate what Beeple crap did. Beeple crap. duplicate what Beeple crap did. Beeple crap.

Beeple crap is the killing this artist, dude. I love Beeple crap. That's his name, right? Dude. Beeple crap. The name alone. I wish I named my son Beeple crap, dude. people crap delia wow that would be the dude jim here nancy here jill here people crap just in the back just just grew up so fucked up because his name's people crap wow dude i love that like i'll be playing fucking on twitch and some guy just named like fucking harry jen will like comment on something speaking of twitch i was playing fucking red dead redemption 2 the other day and i was fucking murdering horses and um i was i actually it wasn't murdering horses i learned my lesson i got my honor up dude my

honor went crazy good and i started dreaming of, um, the character in the game starts dreaming of deer. If you do good deeds and if you don't do good deeds, he dreams of wolves. I started dreaming of wolves and I was like, whoa, those are scary dreams. And somebody in the chat was like, yeah, well, you dream of deer if you get your honor up. And from then on, dude, I started saying howdy to everybody. I walked by and got my honor up real nice. I did side missions. I returned babies to ladies and I did all sorts of good stuff. So I brought my honor up. I brought it way up, dude. And I brought it up so much that

the game changed. You know? It's actually weird. I was playing this game, Red Dead Redemption. I've never played this game before and I have read no spoilers. But I was playing the game

and you're this character named Arthur Morgan and he sounds like this you know he's a real rough hardcore fucking country gunslinger right and you can be any kind of guy that you want

in this game it's an open world video game you can go and you can literally stab everybody murder horses rabbits, and not even pick up their pelt for fucking to sell, right? You can just go on a murdering spree, but it brings your honor way down. And that's what I did in the beginning of the game because I thought it was fun. I lived for Arthur Morgan. I was self-centered at the beginning of that Red Dead Redemption game. I was doing that. And then I realized halfway through, I started dreaming of wolves. Like I mentioned, I started dreaming of wolves and somebody in the chat said, you know what? If you get your honor up, you start dreaming of deer. And I was like, well, that's interesting.

I was like, well, why would I fucking, why would I get my honor up? And half the people in the chat were like, it's not that fun if you play with your honor up. And some people were like, it's actually cool because the ending is better. So I was like, whatever. So I started feeling like, you know what? I want to take this game seriously. I mean, totally fucking dork shit. Like, it's actually more fun if you seriously take this game and actually play it for real. It's actually much more fun.

And it actually, it makes you feel a lot better at the end. You get the better ending. So I'm playing this game and actually play it for real. It's actually much more fun. And it actually, it makes you feel a lot better at the end. You get the better ending. So I'm playing this game. It just makes me laugh. People go out there and just stabbing horses for no reason. I just don't see what it benefits. What does this examine in the human race? So I'm playing the game and I start to change my honor.

I'm saying, how did everybody on the streets, like I mentioned, I start fucking doing side missions. I start getting my honor up, my honor gets up. Some people are now joining on the Twitch again and they're like, whoa, you got your honor way up. What the fuck's going on? So in the middle of the game, somebody coughs on you. You don't think much of it.

It's actually more in the beginning of the game. Somebody coughs on you. You're going to bully him for money that he owes you. And he coughs on you. You don't even think of much, much of it at all. There comes a time in the moment in the game where you just faint and you fall down and then the doctor says hey guess what you have tuberculosis now back then tuberculosis was a death sentence in the 1800s this game takes place it was a death sentence so you're gonna die in this game

now i'm like well dude i gotta win the game before i die as the game goes on arthur morgan keeps coughing more and more he's just coughing more and more. He keeps coughing. I'm like, this is fucking sucks. My character just keeps fucking coughing. It sucks. And in a way it was like, now I'm playing with this character and I've got the disease

and I just want to fight these motherfuckers, but he keeps stopping and coughing and shit. And I realized, because one of the guys in the chat on Twitch says, you know how you got tuberculosis? And I said, how? He said, because that guy coughed on you. I said, is there any way to avoid it?

And he said, nah, it's just part of the narrative of the game. So I realized it was predestined that this character was going to die. And I've already got my honor good. I went from a derelict to a good person in this game. And I was going to fucking die anyway. So I get upset. I get upset at the game.

You know, I'm a bit of a nihilist myself, but Arthur Morgan, it's not even me, so I'm playing this game, and I don't even get to be the super nihilist I want to be in this virtual game. So I look at the save point. You know, you could save, and when you save the game,

it tells you how much of the game you're completed. And I'm at about 60%. And Arthur's fucking dying. All right. And I'm like, how bad does he get? Cause you can't cure tuberculosis. What happens? Well, all of your friends in the game, Red Dead Redemption, they backstab you and you're on the run and you're running from the cops and the people who were supposed to save you and back you up. They fucking backstab you. They sell you out and you end up getting shot at, stumbling over rocks. And it's not looking good for Arthur Morgan, aka me. So one of the other homies in my posse comes up, and he's always been a good guy in the game, and he says, you doing all right? And Arthur Morgan, me, says, you know what? I'm not going

to make it. I'll hold them off while you get away. And the guy says, I can't do that. Jim Mar Mars Marsden, Jim Marsden, I think, whatever the fuck, I still don't really know. Um, but he was like, uh, I'm not going to let you do that. And Arthur says, it would make me happy if you let me save you and you go, right? So he gives him the satchel that Arthur Morgan has to Jim, and he gives him his guns, and he takes his hat off, and he puts his hat on Jim. And Arthur says, leave me here.

And you're basically just Arthur Morgan now, no satchel, which, by the way, has all my shit that I've collected in the game throughout the game. It has in his satchel, which by the way, has all my shit that I've collected in the game throughout the game. It has in his satchel, right? I gave it away to some fucking bullshit side character. And now I don't have it anymore. And I got to fight off this fucking, these bad guys, which are actually the, you know, the, the fucking, the cops. And so he's shooting, he's shooting these motherfuckers.

And, uh, there's no's no way out of it. You fall on a rock, and you start breathing, and you breathe your last breath, and Arthur Morgan dies. And I realize now there's 60% of the game left, and there's nothing I could have done, but he died. And he died, and he was dreaming of deer the whole time. He turned it around and he redeemed himself into a good person. And I got the good ending, but there's still 60% of the game left. And I realized that when Arthur Morgan says, hey, you know, get out of here. You now become this other character for the rest of the 35% of the game.

All right. And it's fucking emotional, dude. It's like emotional. It's not like a video game, like tech mobile where they're like, right. It's emotional.

Like the music happens and it's a beautiful song. Not even just score. It's somebody singing like, it was a beautiful, it's like you, they have you two on it or some shit. And I'm just like, this isn't even like the rest of the game at all. This is beautiful. The sun's peeking out over as Arthur Morgan's taking his last breath. And in this moment, Calvin walks in and Calvin goes to climb up on my chair. And as he goes to climb up on my chair, he falls and hits his head and just starts wailing because he hurt himself. And I say, oh, no, buddy. And I pick him up and I'm watching fucking Arthur Morgan or somebody fucking, maybe I'm the new guy now and I'm riding into the sunset

and the music's blaring and I'm, Calvin is crying and I say, it's okay, buddy. Everyone falls down, but the worst part is over. And now you can move on from that. And with the music and Calvin's crying and now I'm crying because I'm telling Calvin something that's, you know, like personal to me and I'm living this shit through. I used to be Arthur Morgan and now I'm this other fucking dude. It was so fucking hilarious, dude.

I'm sitting there crying with Calvin. Calvin bumped his head, but we were both getting through it, dude. And it was beautiful in a way, you know, it was really nice that it was really beautiful it was hilarious um i don't know it was so fucking funny dude he hit his fucking head

and i gotta give him a pep talk while i'm crying in this goddamn video game i don't know I don't know. What was the thing we were just talking about, about how, oh yeah, Thanksgiving coming up. My friend never celebrates Thanksgiving because he was like, fuck that dude, I just eat pizza. This is what he says.

He's like, I eat pizza because fucking all these people slaughtered the Indians and and that's not cool and everyone's like well yeah but you know what um it's actually thanksgiving was a time where uh they they came up onto the i know america where they discovered america and they acted like they were uh friendly with them and they broke bread with them and shit and had a meal. And that's what Thanksgiving is. Like they were saying that that is better. And I was like, that's worse than just fucking

slaughtering them. And he was like, no, it's better to be friends with someone, at least act like you're friends. And I was like, no, that's fucking worse, dude. If someone's going to slaughter you, you just, just slaughter me, dude. Don't act like you're my friend. Don't fucking just kill me dude don't hi how you

doing me to death that's the worst all right i want to talk about something else here this is just a beautiful thing that um a fan made rob hay from uh congratulations he's a member of the patreon and all that shit but he sent me this first of all he made me this fucking bag that's like a take of the of a nike sign and it says life rips, which is awesome. I don't know how he even fucking made it, but this shit is crazy. He made these congratulations, Jordan ones. And he made these, he like painted them. It's got the, the logo in the back of the insignia. And then it says life rips on the tongue. I mean, he fucking made these, he painted them it's got the the logo in the back of the insignia and then it says life rips on the tongue i mean he fucking made these he painted these i mean he's got a pacifier in the thing like for the babies and it's unbelievable he even got the the the off-white tag on it that

he put on here and it says uh life rips care of nike congratulations it's just hilarious and i reached out to him i was like how the fuck one of the girls on the on the patreon was like yeah rob took a long time to make him he did it himself i don't know how the fuck you make like this is his first try how do you do this unbelievable but these are going on i'm not wearing these there's no way these are i'm either put them somewhere or have them i gotta have them at least on the desk but these are amazing and i wanted to thank rob hay for that this is all just awesome um and he sent them to me and i love them dude um i'll try them on once

for good measure but i'm not getting those dirty um so that's it uh i enjoy talking to you guys every week um you're my church in a way. And, you know, that's that. But thanks very much for listening. And I hope you had a good time. Okay, bye. Hey, guys, that's the episode for this week on YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, go on patreon.com.

Full episodes. We have full episodes with no commercials on audio or YouTube on our Patreon for just six bucks a month. Patreon.com slash, uh, Chris D'Elia. And also it's, uh, we've got a backload of episodes that aren't even accessible to you guys, uh, unless you're on Patreon, uh, about, you know, we got about six or seven or eight or nine episodes on there now, um, that you can listen to right right now if you unlock it, the Patreon for six bucks a month. Thanks. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations!

Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking fuck! You scared the fuck out of me! You're a motherfucker right now, you motherfucking child, you motherfucker! Okay. I'm sweaty.