Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 22. Europeans Vs. Monsters

Episode Date: June 27, 2017

It is the 22nd episode! Back in LA and guess what? Man On Fire comes out TONIGHT on Netflix. Put it in your queue and watch it. On today's show, Chris discusses how alligators are actually monsters living in the United States. Also discussed: Chris talks about what it's like to retire material, people who say 'jorts', Europeans who wear polo shirts or shirts with numbers on them, Chris's friend Mitch, The Joe Budden/Migos scuffle at the BET Awards, LL Cool J's song Headsprung, and a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the real babies: Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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friends family co-workers ghosts a chair anyone really sending and receiving money is totally free and fast it's this fast in between those two it's those is that fast and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android. Now. Was it beautiful? Hey, alert, baby's alert. I'm back in L.A. And I was in the pool. That's how we do it in L.A.

This is the episode 22. Yeah. Wow, man. We're really getting up there. And I was in the pool. So that's all I really give a shit about. Was in Miami. Was in West Palm Beach.

Was out in the sun for about an hour. And now my shoulders are this color of a goddamn tomato. It hurts. And my mom texted me, are you outside? And I wrote, yep. She wrote, sunscreen, please. Made me BRM. You can't escape your mom.

You know what I mean? That's just how it is. You can't escape your mom unless maybe your mom escaped you early on this is sad um but uh look guys this episode of congratulations is dropping a few a mere few hours before the worldwide release of man on fire on netflix and that is my comedy special. It's about 65 minutes. So go ahead and watch that and do a little back to back, do a little back to back. You watch this, you listen to this congratulations podcast, and then you turn on Netflix and you wait. You wait for Man on Fire to drop onflix and then you press play and you make it

a crystalia monday is what you do or a crystalia tuesday or crystalia wednesday or crystalia tuesday or a crystalia bond day if you want to make up a new day because man on fire is going to be on available on netflix worldwide no matter where no matter what time you want to watch it. So, and I'm really excited about it. And let me just say, since I'm always joking around, I put this on my Snapchat and I put it on my Instagram. Thank you to everybody who's ever come to a show and thank you to everybody who's ever supported me in any way. I've worked very hard on this career

and I've worked really hard on this act, Man on Fire, and it's out now. So have at it, enjoy. And if you don't enjoy, eat my dick, you know, slowly. No, you can have your opinion, you know, but I'm really proud of it. So go watch it. So that's what I'm excited about this week. And let's recap the week. Last week, I was in, let's see. So I remember when I was sick and I did the podcast last week, and it was fucking, my voice was terrible. I'm getting it back, as you can hear.

I'm getting it back. My voice is about 80%. It was a little hard because I did a bunch of shows in West Palm Beach. Um, and, um, man, let me just say West Palm Beach. It's a great club. It's awesome. It's a big fucking club. It holds 600 people did five shows there. club. It holds 600 people, did five shows there. And the management is great. They're so good to me. They're friends of mine now. Uh, and I just, I love the way they run their club. They make you feel special and they, uh, so go there. Even if you're not going to see me, if you're in the West Palm beach area, they got great, uh, acts and they got a cool little bar next door that you can go to that's got great food. And it's just a cool kind of area there. And so I had a great time in West Palm Beach. There are, how about the, well, no, before I even get into that, I had a host. I

cannot remember his name like a piece of shit. Now, what an asshole I am. He was so soft-spoken. He would hang out with us in the green room. And I liked the guy. The guy was a great guy. He was a really cool guy. He's a young guy. He's like 25. And he was so soft-spoken that I said what to him 75 times. And then I just stopped saying what. And I would be like yeah all right all right okay okay okay and i hope that that was a valid response but even the waiter or waitress would come in and be like hey and he'd be like can i get lemon can i get lemon in the tea they'd be like what and then he wouldn't raise his voice even a little bit louder can i get lemon in the tea he was just cool he's one of those like cool dudes He was very cool. You could tell he gets laid probably a lot.

And he moved to West Palm Beach for no reason. I said, dude, it was crazy. West Palm Beach, I said this before. It's like the Truman Show. And this guy, the host, fuck, I'm so pissed I don't remember his name. I'm such a dickhead. But he was funny, too. But he was like, hey, I used to.

Well, he said it like this. He was like, yeah, I'm from Virginia Beach. And I moved to West Palm Beach. And I said, why? And he said, I don't know, man. And I was like, oh, imagine. I said, you just picked a place? And he was like, pretty much.

I mean, oh, hey, you're a storybook character? Oh, you're a guy? Oh, you're a guy that a fucking, that what's his name would play uh who's that guy in dude how about i never remember fucking names when i do this fucking podcast the hell's his name uh uh uh who's the guy who's in the movie i don't remember the name of god damn it motherfucker um what's his name that ashton's friend of them he's like shorter he was in that fucking movie that sean penn produced um no god damn it he's handsome he's a he was in that movie about the girl next door with the

emile hirsch for fuck's sake anyway god damn well you know what his name's emile so it wasn't like john right um at least i didn't forget i didn't do that anyway um i was in west palm beach and it was having and i was having a great um time in west palm beach man i really had a good time there i didn't expect much and i think that's the key right because that's why whenever we go to las vegas it's a letdown you're like bro we're gonna go we're gonna bet we're gonna win big big we're gonna get chicks we're going to get chicks. We're going to fucking eat the best food. And then you go and you're like, where are my pants? It wasn't as fun because I couldn't find my, it's like the hangover, you know? So, and the manager, Justin in West Palm Beach sent me a Snapchat of iguanas, Snapchat of iguanas, which is like crazy that iguanas are around and they're big. And I was thinking about how there's actual alligators in.

How about the fact that there are alligators in America? And it's America now. Like, oh, cool. Oh, they're monsters. Hey, they are monsters. If you look at me and say, no, that's an alligator. I reply with, no, it's a monster because it can crush your legs with its jaw. It has a huge tail, and it's scaly all over, and it has eyeballs that blink sideways. It's a monster, okay? Hey, does it have spiky, scaly skin? You monster.

It's a fucking alligator, and that's in America, and they'll just be in like fucking swamps that's so weird that that's in america if you think about it like it seems like something like an alligator seems like something that would be in like the this like south america or like in Africa or somewhere else, but they're in Florida? Hey, you have monsters in Florida? That's amazing. They have monsters that if you were alone

in a room with this thing, you'd die. You don't live. Hey, do you have a gun? You still die. You shoot the fucking alligator four times, you still probably gonna die if the room's small enough that's fucking crazy it they have monsters hey there's monsters in the world did you guys know they're alligators and you can get them in america america has monsters um

i think that's crazy how about being an iguana and there are alligators? That's fucking bitch shit. That's like, damn, dude. I feel like there are probably iguanas in, like, swamps that, like, lose their bitches to alligators, you know? Like, it will be like, yeah, man. Like, the iguanas are just like, man, watch out. out when you got your girl you bring them around the alligators alligators fucking ted will swoop your bitch up man how do you compete with them alligators you know they're too big the big ass tails they can crunch motherfuckers and swivel them around and drown them in the

swamps they're fucking straight up monsters and they'll steal your bitch man alligators just watch and laugh as iguanas walk by look at that motherfucking bitch ass iguana i'll steal your bitch keep walking don't sleep motherfucker that's what alligators say when iguanas walk by with their bitch don't sleep and then blink sideways i don't give a fuck i know they blink up and down but they still blink sideways they have that skin under their eyeball under their eye their eyelid that blink sideways and even if they don't they do because that's in my head it's real um i love fucking i i you they're they don't they look they're scary obviously because they're monsters but um i don't know man i i i never saw an alligator so

there was none none of them were bought tickets to my my uh my show. I should have actually started the podcast saying this. Guys, bought shorts. I know in the past, here's the thing, man. I know in the past, over a few episodes, I've probably talked about how dumb shorts are because you don't, right? You're seven,, you 11, then don't wear shorts. And I kind of still mean that. If you wear cargo shorts, if you got khaki shorts, you got pink, you got orange, you got blue shorts, you seven or you nine. But I got these shorts that are jean shorts. Now here's the deal. I know when I say jean shorts, everyone thinks, at least some people think, well, no, jorts. But I don't say jorts because that's a fucking stupid ass word. I say jean shorts. You don't need to shorten everything just because it's not a new thing. It's still shorts. They're denim. There's jean shorts or just shorts.

You say jorts, you product of the system. You want to be product of the system or you want to be independent? That's a simple question here I got for you. You want to be independent or you want to be product of the system? You want to be product of the system? Say jorts all day long. You want to be a free thinker? Shorts. Okay? You're not cute because you say jorts all day long you want to be a free thinker shorts okay you're not cute because you say jorts you're just putting two words together come up with a new word come

up with a new a new thing call them you know flallies don't call them jorts you just stole two words and mushed them together. That's not cool. I don't like when people take two things and mush them together, period. Remember in school when the kids used to rip the heads off the gummy bears and make the gummy bears different colors? I never did that shit. Fuck that. You eat a red gummy bear, you're eating a red gummy bear. You don't fuck around and put the green with the red, even if it's Christmas. You don't fucking put the yellow with the clear. Doesn't even look that much different. Okay? They made the green gummy bear, yeet the green gummy bear. They made the white gummy bear,

yeet the white gummy bear. They made the red gummy bear, yeet the red. Did I already say red? No. They made the thing. They did the work. Don't rip the heads off and. Yeet the red. Did I already say red? No. They made the thing. They did the work. Don't rip the heads off and put them together like that. Jeans shorts. And I got them. And let me tell you why I got them.

Because it was 92 degrees in Florida, but with the humidity, it was 4,065 degrees. Humidity sucks a dump in my mouth. Okay, humidity is awful. Miami and fucking Fort Lauderdale and all those great places. They're, they're great when the weather's fine. But mostly when the humidity fucking you feel like you're walking through, literally feel like you're walking through a mouth. You feel like you're walking through a mouth. Hey, is this weather? Am I walking through Charles Barkley's mouth? Because that's how hot it is in Charles Barkley's mouth.

Miami. Hey, is this Miami or is this Charles Barkley's mouth? That's what, that's the mainly, I want to look somebody, I want to walk all the way in Miami. I should have done this. I didn't do it. Next time I go to Miami, I'm going to stop. I'm going to ask people, Hey dude, excuse me. I've got this crazy question. Um, and this is serious. This is Miami, right? And then when they say yes, or they say yes, because they're probably foreign because everybody foreign isn't goddamn Miami. I say, is this, okay, it's cool. That that's right and then when they say yes or they say oh yes because they're probably foreign because everybody foreign isn't goddamn miami i say it's just okay it's cool that that's actually cool

that this is miami because i thought for a goddamn second and i'm gonna look them right in the eyes and fucking lower my jaw and then put my two hands out like italians and i'm gonna say i thought i was in charles barkley's goddamn mouth. And then they're not going to know what I mean because they're probably French or some shit. And then they're going to walk away. Dude, it's amazing how many people are. It's actually amazing. One of the most amazing things about Midyami is how, okay, like, you know how white people think it's hard to tell the difference between a Japanese person and a Chinese person? It's a racist white person, okay?

They look different. I can tell the difference between an American person, a white American, and a white person from London look different i can tell the difference between an american person a white american and a white person from london you can they're just they look a little bit different you can tell when you see somebody's face they're gonna talk not this right because they got fucking you know a little bit of a different thing they could look a little bit different their faces move slightly to the left or right a little bit differently or they have really really really high neon shorts on and a fucking backpack that's camouflage right but in miami that shit is all out the window you can see a person that would just look like an american dad and walk up and be like hey man where's the starbucks and he'll be like, And you're like, oh, for fuck's sake.

Sorry, man. You just look like a fucking guy named Jordan. And you're like, oh my God. And then his wife comes by. And then their kid. And then they fucking walk away, and you're like, God damn,

he just looked like a regular guy named Dave. Oh yeah, the Starbucks, he's down the street, to the left, you make a, you make a, you're a fuck boy.

What? I'm sorry? No, no, you make a right down the street, to the right, and then to the Starbucks, you're a fuck boy. i'm sorry no no you make a right down the street to the right and then to the starbucks you're a fuck boy um okay i think the foreign guy just called me a fuck boy what is it about europeans where they just gotta wear so much neon dude they were so much neon and polo shirts for days dude if you lined up all of the polo shirts that one european family had it would reach halfway to pluto they fucking wear polo shirts

like they're in mars and need need it breathe. Like it's a fucking space suit. Like if there was a movie about a European guy and he didn't have a polo shirt on, I'd be like, this is so fucking unrealistic. And more so than they wear neon, they have shirts with numbers on them so much, dude. Not sports shirts. They'll just wear like have a fucking polo shirt with like a nine on it. What for, man? Hey, what for, Hans? Hey, Wolfgang, what's that number for?

What is it, your eighth polo shirt this week? The fuck are they wearing neon shorts for with a polo shirt that has the number 40 on it? The fuck you doing, Hans? Hey, Hans, the fuck you doing? What's that shirt for? You play on a team? No? Oh, you're just an investment banker on vacation?

Take it off. Put on a t- No? Oh, you're just an investment banker on vacation? Take it off. Put on a t-shirt with no numbers on it. And take off that fucking green, that bright green shorts. And put on a Speedo straight up. I'm actually a fan of Speedos. If you wear a Speedo, you're a fucking, you're the shit. What's with a number? They're always high up too. i used to make fun of my buddy

mitch mitch had this fucking shirt i love this guy he had a shirt on that had a fucking like six on it or something and it was so high up it like didn't look like it was like normal on the on the like the left breast or wherever a number would be you know it was so high up and we'd always be like why is that fucking six so high dude and we would always fucking put our hand above the shoulder and say like why is the number this high what look look hey who am i and we put our hand above the shoulder bro we would fucking laugh so hard we cry we'd be fucking idiots man it was like we were so high but i was never high but mitch was always high oh man one time mitch made me laugh so so fucking hard. He listens to the podcast, I think. So what's up, Mitch? And one time we were at a diner and we were hanging out with a bunch of people,

guys and girls, and he was laughing and he would always talk about how his, like he, he laughed and he would always talk about how he was feminine a little bit. I mean, he's not really, but like, he would be like, yeah, I'm feminine laughed and he would always talk about how he was feminine a little bit i mean he's not really but like he would be like yeah i'm feminine like he would say that shit sometimes uh because he like cared about people you know not because like he was like swishy or whatever but um he would laugh and he would laugh and put his shoulders up because he would laugh and like it was like really like you know like a bitch shit you know and he fucking did it once while we were all laughing. And he put his index finger on one of his shoulders and pushed it down manually and said, get down you. And we fucking pissed ourselves with his high fucking six shirt on. Oh man.

He went, get down you like he eyeballed his shoulder, put his index finger and pushed it down manually and said, get down, you. And I fucking screamed at the Coral Cafe in Burbank, California. Why did I go there? Oh, man. Foreigners in Miami, dude. Unbelievable. Always walking around with their scrunched up faces looking up. Why?

Everything's level. Why are you looking high uped up faces looking up. Why? Everything's level. Why are you looking high up? You looking in the clouds? Everything's down here, bud. Oh, man. Monsters and Europeans. You know? Florida.

That's Florida for you. Monsters, swamps, and Europeans. That's a reality show right there. Why isn't there a reality show just called Florida? We've got Europeans, swamps, and monsters. Every week we vote one European or monster off of our island, off of our peninsula. Please, tune in and see who wins. Europeans versus monsters.

Last Tuesday, Hans got his number ripped off by a monster alligator. Let's see if Hans can survive without his polo shirt. I don't think I can do it because I know my whole life that I have worn my polo shirt. But I think, you know, I don't need the number. What I need is the belief system. And I believe I can do this if I put my mind to it and can defeat all of the monsters. Now, I know my son Wolfgang has been eaten by a monster alligator. alligator.

And my wife is crying, and she's been crying in the small swamp there for about a week and a half since last show, but if we really put our European heads together, I believe we can win this today. Now let's cut to some

audio, video of an alligator uh i think basically i think i think i'll just eat the european i'll be fine alligator shits um i don't know um i don't know everything in miami they talk about everything in miami is so fucking miami i was there one day by the way

uh and west palm beach for the rest of the time and West Palm Beach for the rest of the time. West Palm Beach has got to be the fucking richest area of all time. I bought a bathing suit, and they were like, that'll be your two back tires on your car. That's how much it costs. Hi, thank you. Yeah, let me ring you up.

That'll be two back tires. I'm sorry. That'll be your two back tires if you want this bathing suit. I'm sorry, this bathing suit costs my two back tires? Yes. Why? Because we know that they were $750 together, so we're just going to sell them after that

and make more money. So if you want this suit, that's what's up. Um, you know, it's really expensive there because it's retirement community. Probably everybody that was so old, everybody that was so old,

they were like, I was seven years old. I was seven. They, they talked to me like this. Hey, hi. They were like, I was seven years old. I was seven. They talked to me like this. Hey, hi. They talked to me like that because they thought I was fucking a boy lost looking for his mom.

Hi, boy. Are you lost? No, I'm just trying to get a coffee. Aw, where's his mommy? Where's his mommy? So, yeah. But they came out. But we had some fucking old heads, though, there in the front row at the 7 p.m. show on Saturday.

Why did they come, you know? I don't know. Miami has good food, too. Fuck when... I don't like when people say they're foodies, by the way. I feel like people like saying they're a foodie more than they like food. If you're truly like food, just eat the food. You don't have to have a fucking term for it.

Like jorts. Oh, you're a foodie? Nah. You know what you are you piggy oh you like to eat so much oh you like to eat all the different places oh you're a foodie nah scratch that you fat pig you fat piggy i'm a foodie. People love telling you they're foodies. Chicks. Chicks love it. Because I'm a foodie, so I just like, I love to experience different cuisines, and I love the culinary experience. Bye. I love the culinary experience.

Excuse me. Step out a little bit for a second. Gunk. That's the door. No, back up a little bit. Behind the gunk that's the door no back up a little bit behind the door where the door closes gunk that's the door that's the door shutting oh no that's fine i just love the culinary experience oh you do excuse me ma'am back up gunk excuse me i just got it but what are you doing i love the culinary gunk Oh, you do? Excuse me, ma'am. Back up. Ka-kong.

Excuse me, I just got to... But what are you doing? I love the culinary ka-kong. No, but I'd love to try those... The snail, the escargot, I love because I love because I'm a foodie. Ka-kong. Excuse me? No, I was just saying how I... You like food? I want you to hear me like... Excuse me, ma'am? Yes, I'm still out here. Okay, I have a question for you. Are you a fat piggy? Well, no, I don't think I'm a fat piggy i mean i'm quite skinny i was just trying to say that i absolutely uh live and die for cuisine and the cook gunk why do you keep turning the door on me because you don't know what you truly are the gunk

i mean come on dude just stop making up new words Just say what you fucking do and be real about it, okay? I mean... That doesn't even sound like it does. The way the door slows. That's what it... But then when you slow it down... That's what it is, man. you slow it down that's what it is man shut my fucking door in your face shut my door in your face uh yeah dude i mean fuck you can say whatever you want

but if you say you're a foodie all right you can say what you want, it's a free conch, but if you say you like the culinary experience, guk-gunk. I'm sorry, dude. You fucking brought it on yourself. You don't want a fucking wall in your face? Then just say you like food or you're a fat piggy. Then, meow, okay? But if you say you are a foodie, guk-gunk. Now, are you wearing shorts

are you wearing jorts gunk I'm sorry that's how it is if you want to be a part of this fucking cult and you're wearing fucking jean shorts

sweats you're wearing if you're wearing jorts yadam a cult and gunk gunk that's my PSA for today babies If you're wearing jorts, yadam a cult and gunk gunk. That's my PSA for today, babies. Don't get all hyped up in the fucking, you know, with the sauce.

Don't get all hyped up with the sauce. Words to live by. So, anyway. Yeah, fucking culinary experiences and shit. I can't even watch. Sometimes I can't even watch those things. You know what? I think I talked about this on pod when I did Beat Bobby Flay. I did that episode of Beat Bobby Flay.

I love fucking Bobby Flay. He's fucking awesome. I did one of those episodes. I was one of those judges on there, you know, for one, for an episode, uh, for an episode. And he, and I was like, you know what I'm going to say? I told my agent this. I was like, I'm going to say, I can't wait to do this. I'm going to say this, the sauce or the salt or whatever. I was going to use the word. I was gonna say, that's, that's just a vehicle for the salmon or whatever the fuck, you know? And as soon as I sat down, shit, you're not Bobby Flay. One of the first words that came out of his mouth, well, it's just a vehicle for the salmon or whatever the fuck, you know? And as soon as I sat down, shit, you're not Bobby Flay.

One of the first words that came out of his mouth. Well, it's just a vehicle for the bread or whatever the fuck. And I was like, there goes my whole fucking thing. Unbelievable. You know how many times they say vehicle in when it comes to food? Why are you talking automobiles? Hey, we eating pizza. Why are you talking automobiles?

Why are you fucking talking automobiles? Gunk. Why you fucking talking automobiles? We eating pizza. Why you talking automotives? Gunk. Now, if you want to say, hey, also, I like the way it tastes. You know.

I'm 37. It's the best part tastes. You know. I'm 37. It's the best part about any of it. I'm going to have a kid one day. Maybe. And they fucking are going to. You know what I mean? Listen to all this shit. And they're going to be like.

Daddy what's got gunk? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Hey, guys. You know what? Look, I want to talk to you about how this thing here, okay? Would you just sit back and let me listen? You know I'm not a drinker.

If you ever hear me talk, you know I'm not a drinker. And it doesn't mean I don't like to entertain, okay? I got guests that come over, and when my guests can have great wine and I don't have to worry about what I'm buying, I'm happy. All right? I'm going to tell you about a company called Wink. W-I-N-C. They give you access to exceptional wines from around the world. Just go to trywink.com spelled T-R-Y-W-I-N-C.com and take a brief palate profile quiz and Wink will recommend distinct and interesting wines actually customized to your palate to be shipped directly to your door every month. Sounds like a good idea to me. None of your time is wasted filling out, none of your time is wasted fitting in a run at the store,

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Square Cash is the best way to pay people back friends family co-workers rugs a wall and it doesn't matter what race you are you could be black white asian indian doesn't matter sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds all right here's how it works if you're an idiot here's how it works i'm gonna explain it idiot, here's how it works. I'm going to explain it to you. Download the Square Cash app, link your debit or credit card,

select an amount to send, and type in a friend's phone number or email address to complete a payment. What? But there's got to be more, Chris. But there isn't, though, person who's talking to me. They'll get a notification

that they've just received money. That's it. There's no gimmicks. Square Cash is the shit. It's awesome. It's not a social network. All right? You want Facebook? Get Facebook. You want to send money. That's it. There's no gimmicks. Square cash is the shit. It's awesome. It's not a social network. All right. You want Facebook? Get Facebook. You want to send money? Get square cash. Who wants to have the payments listed in a feed? I don't. Neither do you. Download the free square cash app for iOS or Android now. That's for that ass. I had to do

that. Now, excuse me. I had to do some ads because I had to hear beep, beep, beep from the Brinks truck, dude. All right? You want to know what music to my ears is? Beep, beep, beep from the Brinks truck backing up into my garage, opening up the back of the truck, and unloading a pool of money you don't want me to do that you want free content now if you want free content go work for free uh this dude eric o'neill, on my West Palm Beach show, made me a shirt that said, actually, I don't know if he made that one,

but he made another one called Succinyl Choline, and I wore it on stage, and he lost his fucking mind because of one of the episodes. I don't know if you guys heard that episode, but I was talking about forensic files and how the guy always says, Succinyl Choline. Succinylcholine um succinylcholine um that's a kiss for you babies um so somebody else i don't know if it was him it might have been him i think it might have been someone else they, they had a shirt that said back up the Brinks truck and it was awesome.

I got to wear that one too. It's really cool. Um, so yeah. Uh, or the Dunbar, somebody tweeted me. So somebody on the minimalist, one of those minimalist guys tweeted me today. What do you do if you're, if the Brinks truck is all, is all full, you get a bigger Brinks truck. I said, yeah, or I get a Dunbar

truck, bro. I use that red and black. I back that red and black up. Okay? You think I just go white and blue? I'll back red and black up as well. As long as I'm hearing beep, beep, beep somewhere near my garage. Man on fire is out

if you're probably listening to this because i mean unless you really listen to it unless you're a true baby and you heard it as soon as it dropped uh yeah and i'll be in la performing um in the next few weeks trying to fucking get my voice back about 80 still can't hit them high notes. Well, actually, I can kind of. I didn't mean to get. I'm sorry that I got so fucking soulful on your ass right there real quick. But I just wanted to test the high notes. High notes.

High notes. Sorry I got so fucking soulful on you. I'm sorry that literally Luther Randros probably woke up from the dead a little bit for a second while I hit those fucking crooning ass high notes, but had to. Had to check.

No, but so I'm trying to save my voice, but I'm doing so many of these fucking podcasts and shit and interview radio interviews. I did a radio interview on KTLA. It's always weird doing those news interviews because all those newscasters and shit, they got that smile where you can just hear it. I feel like if you get close enough to a newscaster when you're talking and when they're waiting to say what their next question is i feel like if you got close enough you'd hear them be

you'd hear them smiling like this you know because they're just it hurts because they're just always smiling they're like so talk to me a little bit about the new special and then you're talking and if you get close enough you just hear them like this. Okay. And where'd you film it? And then you're talking about where'd you film it? And they're just, um, so I did that, but I'm doing a lot of podcasts, so I'm still keeping the voice scratchy and doing it real sexy. I don't mean, look, ladies, look, ladies. I'm sorry my voice is so raspy.

I'm sorry my voice is so raspy. But my suggestion is, if you listen to this podcast, and if you listen to it in your cubicle, you listen to it in your car, just put a towel down. I'm sorry, but I gotta. I had to yell out my voice, and now it's really raspy, and I'm really sorry. Put a towel down. I don't mean to snail your fucking chair up. Gross, but necessary. I've got to be saying these things. Put a towel down. You know what you should do? You should put down,

you know when you take your car in for like a service and then it has that floor mat? Just take that with you next time. You got to listen to this podcast or the one before that because my voice was so raspy and so goddamn sexy. Put that floor mat down. Put it right down right under your butt. Drive with it. Sit in your cubicle with it because you're gonna get wet.

So not sexy. A guy, you know what? I've always said this and it's true. I mean, I don't, you know, I think a lot of people believe this, but the second a guy thinks he's being sexy or tries to be sexy, he's not sexy. Like that's the thing about the difference between sexiness and a girl and

sexiness with a guy. If you're a girl, you can be sexy and try. You can be like, Ben, you can bend over or you can fucking whip your hair back or you could touch your lips or you can roll your titties up. You know what I mean? Guys will just be idiots like, and do a squirty boner. But if you're a guy and you're like, watch how I walk

fucking into the room. Watch how I walk into this goddamn room. Watch how slow my fucking gate is and how cool my cadence is when I say hello to everybody. You're not sexy because you're trying. There's a fine line. I mean, you don't want to be a fucking geek, but you know, even if you're a geek, a hardcore geek, some of these fucking geeky girls will like you. Now, you say geeky too much like I just did. You get your tongue tied. But I did it anyway. Yeah, don't think you're sexy.

Don't be sexy if you're a guy. Just be fucking chilling. Put on a shirt. Put on some pants. Do what you got to do. But don't fucking try, bro. You dry it all up. Trying to have sex with a girl?

Or trying to have sex with, you know, some sandpaper? Sorry, I officially don't know what I'm talking about. I went 40 minutes strong, and now I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's what happens with this stream of consciousness shit. You know, haven't had any guests yet for 22 episodes. I'll probably have guests at some point. I don't know. I'm not sure yet, but I don't want to have to rely on other people. That's the thing. I already got to rely on this fucking producer right here. And sometimes he doesn't show up one fire, but I don't because he helps me out he does lots of stuff for me now does he travel with me when i have to do the podcast on mondays when i'm on the road no one

fire yeah sometimes does he have a different thing that he had to do and can't show up to do the podcast even when he's in la yeah not one fire but don't gunk but still oh man my dad's texting me um but i fucking love i love the support that everybody's been giving me and everyone's helping out tweeting about the the podcast. My new special drops. It dropped, or it dropped, probably dropped already if you're listening. Probably dropped already. And on to the next, dude. On to the next, on, on to the next. I got some new material working out.

Now, I got to have the new material by the time this fucking special comes out because everyone's going to see it that's a fan of mine. It's a fan of mine. And they're going to come to see me in like Montreal or if, you know, Montclair, which is how you're supposed to say it if you're French, on the 27th. And they're going to be like, oh, I saw, you know, I saw a lot of this. So I'm trying to build up the material

got about 25 minutes and i'm vamping a lot i'm doing a lot of crowd work to get some new material i like doing crowd work sometimes when you heckle want to kick your face off but you know what i'm um yeah so yeah man so um excited about the new special and uh the fan art that people have been doing is really funny to me a lot of people have been drawing pictures and shit or photoshopping like my face with denzel's on it or something somebody drew a tired eagle eagle. Some people draw tired eagles or just draw me on fire or something. It's been funny, and I've been reposting those on Instagram and Twitter and stuff.

So, yeah, here we go. All right, I'm going to check out these mentions here, or I'm going to check the hashtags, the congratulations pod hashtag. Let's run through them. How long does it take? This is from Nicholas M.

At Nicolonius. Not bad. How long does it take after you throw out your set to have a new hour you're ready to tour with? Well, I just kind of answered that question. Yeah, it should be a few months before I get a new hour. But it won't be, you know, I'll be kind of trying to fuck with it. It'll be a lot of working it. But, you know, I worked this one for like a year and a half.

I saw, by the way, somebody online that was like, was like oh great can't believe somebody was on the special i posted a trailer to my special and they were like can't believe i i saw you live and i saw you do these jokes live man seriously hey man do you know how it works what do you think you just write some shit the night of the time you're shooting it takes fucking at least a year to, to do it. So obviously you saw it cause it was in your town. Um, uh,

Oh boy. This guy, somebody's alerting me. Stew at real stew. 69 change it. A hundred percent. 69 is not cool, bro. Stu, at real Stu69. Change it 100%. 69 is not cool, bro. It's real dorky. Did you see this Papa Smurf chain?

That costs $75,000. Rich the Kid is a rapper, I guess. Why are they doing numbers like that? Nah, that's different. Okay. That's a Papa Smurf diamond chain. That's crazy and that's the guy talking about it wow um that's real bad amazingly obvious um uh uh uh can you comment on grown men that bring their glove to baseball games dom hinton aka or at aka dom yeah

i mean that's actually it's funny that these people are asking the questions that they know that i would maybe touch on. I like that. It means you're on the right path. And you're part of my cult. If you bring your glove to a baseball game and you have no children with you, of course, burn it. Because you're not going to catch something, first of all, because you're just in the stands.

And also, if it comes at you, miraculously, use your fucking adult hand. Okay? But if you have a kid and you're like, let's bring gloves to the game, that's cute. Kind of all bets are off if you have kids, kind of, in a way. You can do anything, kind of. Yeah, so a lot of these people are just talking about uh logan cane at logo dash change it thoughts on sneak on streakers

at sporting events well yeah man i mean don't show your dick in public by the way i was listening to that prodigy song um keep it thorough and uh because i was listening because prodigy died last week which was a shame man he was real young and when he and so i was listening to the album just to kind of like, you know, reminisce on his fucking amazing career. And that line, one of my favorite lines from Prodigy, when he says, how does it feel to hold my dick in public? Like, it's so funny and good. And then when he says, I'll throw a TV at you crazy. Like, so basic, but also sit to the point and also say hip hop um so oh anyway uh a lot of people are saying that they're staying up to watch the

pot the the special uh i'll be on you know i you know, I'll be hanging, I'll be awake. So if you're going to do that, that's really cool. Tweet me man on fire. Um, tweet me that shit and let me know. Uh, I'll be watching and checking maybe. I mean, I think I'll be up checking, but whatever. And I'm really, I don't know. And, oh, I forgot to talk. Well, I don't know if there's something I need to talk about, but the fucking, what's the deal with Joe Budden? Why is he so mad? I watched the thing at the BET Awards, just a little clip of Migos and how he was like, of all the fun nobody's talking about the funniest part of that interview was how the the fucking interviewer had no fucking clue what those guys were saying for a little bit i mean there was like the guy would say like no but what about

talking about bad bougie and he goes like what what are you talking about, the baddie bougie? Huh? He literally went, huh? Like, sedic. Huh? But that's what I would have done. Hey, man, you're doing an interview? At least try to say the things so I'll understand them. Don't look like I'm bad about the bougie. Huh?

The guy went, and then Joe Budden was so pissed that he just went, all right, we got to wrap this up. And then he fucking put through the mic down and walked away. And then they squared up on him, dude, the three Migos. I mean, they were all dressed like fucking aunts houses, like fucking my,

like my aunt and uncle's house with the fucking, they're dressed like a couch and a, and, and some curtains had, had a, had a kid and some curtains had had a had a kid and like they were gonna fight him i mean so funny i guess i don't even know but it was like i don't understand why joe was being such a dick joe budden seems mad dude seems like a guy how much would joe budden love his girlfriend too like that's

the kind of thing that he would be like such a dick and so mad but then be like that's my queen though um yeah i don't know why he's so mad he's always so mad though he had a fucking battle with like a he had uh made a song who was it that was he was a long time ago he came at Drake yeah I think it was Drake whatever

I don't know all I know is I think Joe Budden's fucking handsome bro that's all I got on Joe Budden and he came out with that fucking song

pump it up I loved that song that was fucking loved that song. That was fucking awesome, that song. That song reminded me of the song that would, even though it was before this one, the LL Cool J song, Head Sprung. That one, to me, They call me Big L.A.

Big Pele. Big Chele. Big Sele. Big Chele been a founds in the Pele, got a ball in the maws and the cats. Get your head sprung, gotta get your head sprung, said nothing so far. They call me Big L.A., Big Chile, Big Sele, Big Pele. You're going to beep to the balls and the cats. You're going to whip it in the balls and the jets. Nothing.

Love it. So dope. Loved that song. Big L.A. Did they ever call him Big L.A.? Big Sale? Has anyone ever heard L.A. Call him Big Sale? Hey, excuse me. Big Sale? Oh, yeah. Oh, L.A.? Big Shelly? Has anyone ever heard Ella Kolja call him Big Shelly? Hey, excuse me, Big Shelly? Oh, yeah?

Oh, Ella Kolja? Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up? That's what they call me, Big Shelly. When I'm whipping at the malls with my cats. They call me Big... I mean, look at the fucking rap. What is... The fucking... These are what the internet says he says. They call me Big L.Y. I mean, look at the fucking rap. What?

The fucking, these are what the internet says, he says. They call me Big L-Y. So fucking robotic. They call me Big L-Y. W-H-Y. Big Silly. Big Money. Big Billy.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. They call me Big L-Y. silly, big money, big billy No, no, no, no When I'm sliding in the mall, can you hear me? I be sexing with this boss, so you feel me?

Let me group it in the cars in the back Let me group it in the bars in your hat I'ma tell you how a car's in the tech Tell me Len Lilley's love on the track Hey, what? Dude, that's cool, but real quick. Heh? And fucking, I thought Migos.

They call me Big L-Y. What if that's how he rapped it? They call me Big L-Y. Big Silly. Big Money. Big Billy. When I'm sliding in them, oh, can you hear me? I be sexing with these bars so you feel me.

Let me grip it up for cause in the back. Let me grip it in a buzz in your hat. I'm going to tell you how to cause an attack. Timberland, ladies, love on the track. Dude, would be so bad. But if you run it together, it's the shit. They come big, big silly, money big play when i'm sliding the mark he hit me i've been texting with his boss and for me i love how the fucking rap god or

whatever this was got it wrong i said let me grip it up for cause in the back it's cuz probably not the actual i don't mean because let me grip it up for a, because in the back, so white, whoever made it big L Y. So dumb. Like he's asking the question himself. They call me big L Y. And then they're just like,

no, keep rapping. Okay. Big silly, big money, big Billy, making it up as he goes along. We got to start now.

Go. Go. We have to start now. They want the album yesterday. Okay. Ding, ding. They call me big. Anyway.

Big silly. Big Billy. Big silly. I'm going to grip it in the cause in the back. He's like, is this good? Just keep going. It doesn't matter. We got a dope beat.

Ding, ding, ding hip hop, dude. It's so funny. I like hip hop because I like to think that they're 100% serious about it. Once it started getting a little silly and they knew it, I liked it a little bit less. You know? it i liked it a little bit less you know but in in like the early 2000s when when the rappers thought for real i'll fucking shoot you i'll fuck you up and these these lyrics are fucking hot fire not silliness that was the shit because it was even funnier but when you got these guys who think they're being cute and funny and it's all about their that was the shit because it was even funnier.

But when you got these guys who think they're being cute and funny and it's all about their image and it's all about getting memed on, it's less funny because they know what they're doing. You know, they took rap, they took hip-hop and made it what the fuck. They made it the fucking funniest shit. And then they were like, oh, this is why it's funny. And now you got fucking you know hannah montana hannah montana hannah montana hannah montana that's a song by migos bad but they meant to make it like that you think it's ill bye can we play this on the podcast?

I don't know. I don't even have internet. We're at the side of the fucking thing that doesn't have it. Oh, I think I have this song. Do you guys know that song, Head Sprung? If you don't, let's listen to it. I'm sure it's okay for the... Head Sprung. Sprung.

Just for a few. And it's not playing. Endangry. Endangry. Why would it not be playing when it And it's not playing. Endangry. Endangry. Why would it not be playing when it says it's playing? Am I hooked up to, like, Bluetooth or some bullshit? Why would it not be playing? Why do they do this?

Apple? Does it work with other songs? Apple. this. Apple? Does it work with other songs? Apple? Come on, dude. They call you Big LA. Apple, dude. Did they call you Big LA or Big Sally? Why would it not be playing oh when a lot when electronics don't work bro it makes me angry don't have them invented if they don't work

well you're gonna have to look up that song but no that's not what he said. All those things are so wrong. All those things are so wrong. And I play it and I'll play it fucking 20 minutes later. Why? You know, because of the internet. That's why.

So he definitely doesn't say they call me big. He says L.A. Actually, I think that was kind of right. But not, not, I think that was right. I don't know. Whatever. Anyway, yeah, that's it. That's all I got to say for this week. You know know you guys are fucking great uh thanks for all the support and um you know how i always tell you to fucking hashtag

and tell your fucking friends about it and download it and i still want you to do that but here is the moment that my special comes out this is the moment my special comes out and i'd love it if you guys fucking watched it and if if you don't, you know, then all right, fine. But tell your friends about it. Get the word out there. Fucking put it out there. Chris D'Elia, hashtag manoffire. Listen to it or watch it on Netflix.

And I'm real proud of it. A lot of hard work went into it. And there was something else I wanted to say, and I don't remember. And I won't remember it until I'm done recording, and then I'll be extra mad. So I guess I'll have to wait until next week. But I definitely don't remember what it was. Oh, well. Thanks for listening.

And keep rating and reviewing the podcast. And does Netflix even have a thumbs? I think it only has a thumbs up thing anymore. So thumbs up my thing. I don't give a fuck. What am I even saying, you know? It's only such a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, thumbs up my thing.

Fucking rate and review. Whatever you fucking want to do, do. But, you know, we all like admiration or whatever. So thanks for listening. This has been fucking Chris D'Elia. They call me Big Cele, Big Chele, Big L.A., Big Jele. And when you're whipping in the malls with your cats, I'm sexing on these bars with your bats.

Okay? Are you using Square Cash yet? Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. I'm going to be in Montreal soon. Albuquerque, New Mexico. You live there? Who are you? I'm going to be in Austin. I'm going

to be in all sorts of different places. I'm going to be in North Carolina. I'm going to be in all sorts of different places i'm going to be in um north carolina i'm going to be in uh uh all sorts of fucking places in utah because go check it out and man on fire comes out it is out it is out so go listen to it or so go watch it on netflix sound like a 90 year old man go listen to it on netflix uh tweet me at hashtag congratulations pod and rate and review the show itunes google play stitcher now when people tweet me hey when's it going to be available on on Netflix. Tweet me at hashtag congratulationspod and rate and review the show iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher. Now, when people tweet me, hey, when's it

going to be available on Google Play or Stitcher? I get blood, dread, mad. So it's on there already. But go, most importantly, watch Man on Fire and tell your friends. Thank you, guys. You guys put it plain and simple. I'm a baby. And this is the best cult ever. Thank you. Best cult ever.

Thank you.