Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 220. Woke-Anon

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🛎 Thank you: HR Supplements: hrsupplements.com - use code CONGRATS In this week's episode Chris tells us about his bitter water mystery, some guy selling dogs while driving, and gives his thoughts on the Astroworld tragedy.  🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Yes. Oh my God. Return of the Mac. Oh my God. Wow. I actually loved when I was gonna start the show differently But I got that stuck in my head And I liked when fucking

What was the guy who sang that? Who was the guy who sings Return of the Mack? Whoever it was He literally in the middle of the song goes Oh my god And that's great It's great to just scream sing Oh my god

Who is it? Mark Morrison A made up name For a fucking made up song return of the mac by mark morrison would be a fucking song that was in a movie with ray fines in 1997 that came out it would be a fake song and it would be like a big hit and you'd be like that would never be a big hit but it was in real life and that's when everything started deteriorating is when return of the mac came out i was still in new jersey no no i went back to new jersey that's what it was i

went back to new jersey to visit my friends. And that's when the guy was in the car singing Return of the Mack while we were doing that, while we were, I was visiting my old friends. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What the fuck? It doesn't matter, dude. We talk about anything in this podcast and it's fine.

But yeah, dude, the Life Rippin' podcast is back. Congratulations. We do it every week. And look at that, man. We got that nice shirt Look at that shirt, it's a little bit off-white Just kind of keeping it creamy, do you know what I mean? Not in a disgusting way, but in a fucking

Such a disrespectful way With the chain just fucking oops over that word life Just like you're like You want life to rip, but also you want to kind of keep it fashionable But these are over at ChrisAlea.com And you can get the hoodies too The hoodies are a little more tan. The hoodies are, uh, a lot of the sizes are

sold out in the hoodies, but this t-shirt, um, is a little bit just kind of like off white and it's just kind of like keeping it. It's, you know what it is, honestly, it's the vibe right now. That's what it is. It's the vibe I'm in. So, um, go to chrysalia.com and you can

also get the new, uh, the new, uh, set up the whole fucking, sorry to break your heart, strong guys. Sorry. Sorry, strong guys, merch. And, uh, you know, keep it, you, you, you could also get the new uh the new uh setup the whole fucking sorry to break your heart strong guys sorry sorry strong guys merch and uh you know keep it you you do that you support the show by wearing it you support the show by buying it or you just listen dude or you just listen or you're on patreon patreon.com slash crystal yeah but whatever dude let's get that out of the way let's get it out of the way and we did um mark morrison wow i would have never thought of that name ever again if that oh my god didn't pop into my head and it did so that's the way the brain

works you know sometimes you think of shit fucking for no reason and i did and that was great um we put up a new video on more chris delia uh complex con with chris went to complex con um and uh i guess all i have to say about that is, what is it? What is it? It's just a fucking place where guys with weird boots walk around. That's really all it is. What is it? Guys, you got too big of a bags there.

You bring too many big bags. Dude, okay, so we went to ComplexCon. And as soon as I got there, the guy, I say this in the video, in the With Chris video of ComplexCon. Well, actually, let me just back up complex con is where a bunch of uh clothing brands and other kinds of brands lifestyle brands i guess uh show up and they have booths that they they buy these booths the company and some of them have installations and some of them just kind of have, um, what do you call it? Uh, um, places where you can buy stuff, but they'll have like five shirts hanging up and you're just like, can I buy one of these or what, what's the deal?

And they're like, yeah, what size do you want? And I'm like, well, you know, your boy keeps it beefy. So, you know, at least Excel. And they're like, oh, okay, I'll be right back. And they run to the fucking parking lot, which is fucking, which is an acre away. No way further. It's far away. And then they, and you got to wait there till they bring your size back.

And so it's like, so fucking not a real good way to deal with it, but, uh, it's how it is. And so I waited for a shirt for like 25 minutes while I was looking around at fucking pants with way too many pockets on it. Like I was going to get them. And the guy's like, you know, these pants, these pockets are great. Cause they're removable. Yeah. Just don't have the pockets on it. Like I was going to get them. And the guy's like, you know, these pants, these pockets are great. Cause they're removable. Yeah. Just don't have the pockets on dude. When you got pockets on the knees of pants, it got too many pockets. You know, how many things are you

fucking carrying around? I get it. It's fashion, but dude, I'm all about usable functionality, dude. That's what I'm all about is usable functionality. I'm building a house right now. And Kristen's like, why don't we just make it? So this place is bigger. And I'm like a house right now And Kristen's like Why don't we just make it So this place is bigger And I'm like For what? Make it fucking nice Keep the ceiling low

So it's nice and fucking When we could talk We could hear each other I'm about usable functionality Man Does the kitchen open up To the dining? Does the dining open up

To the living? Usable functionality Now but I also want walls though I also want walls in the house Because I don't want A whole open concept Because then why? Because then why? Well, when I grew up, my dad was using the garbage disposal all the fucking time. I think he used it as the trash can. Like, dude, he'd throw down fucking wicker chairs. He'd be like, we're done with this.

Let's just put it in. And then fucking you'd hear, and then my dad would hit this god damn it and that's when you knew the garbage disposal guy had to come god damn it that's what he would say all the time dude i'd be like dad what'd you put down there he'd be like a whole watermelon dad you can't put the rind and then the fucking the whole but i kind of agree with my dad in a way it's like dude have something that works period don't have it be something that works kinda like dude if i'm gonna put food down there make sure you can handle rinds you know i'm saying like don't be like well oh yeah you can throw away half this orange but the outer side you gotta throw it away in the it's like dude what am i working at the recycle center like you know

make the thing work have it real sharp blades have. Have real sharp blades. I saw, dude, we used to buy those fucking Costco knives. The guy went door to door, not Costco, Cutco knives. And we got to go door to door. He's like, want to buy some knives? We were like, nah. And he cut a penny with his scissors. And we were like, dude, we're all in. We're all in.

You're doing some magic shit like that. And you're telling me I can do it? I'm all in. My whole fam's all in. Give me four pair of scissors. There's four of us. We'll run around with them because we'm all in. My whole fam's all in. Give me four pair of scissors. There's four of us. We'll run around with them because we're all in. So if you have scissors that can cut pennies, you got nine blades in a garbage disposal that can cut the outside of a melon. All right. So don't fuck with

me on that shit. But yeah, dude, that would be what my dad did. He put all sorts of shit down there, just bottle caps and shit. He didn't give a fuck. He put my other brother down. I had three. I had another brother, and he tried to put him down there. Such a bad joke. Anyway, we keep it real. And then when we do a bad joke, we say it's a bad joke.

And then we move on, dude, because life has its bumps, but we roll over them. So I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about at all complex con so um yeah so they just i don't even know why i started talking about the garbage disposal but that's how we do it we're off and running and that's how this podcast is and it's very important fucking pr so uh yeah so i was at complex con and they went to go get the shirt and then whatever dude it's just like ups had an installation there where it was just like a UPS truck was there. And then they just had a bunch of boxes and then you could fucking wait in line and have a bag. They would stamp the UPS on the bag and you could take the bag home and you could purchase it. Eh, se, sucker. Okay. I mean, dude, se sucker. Dude, first of all, you're a sucker if you go to the Complex Con, fine,

whatever. I bought some shirts. I went for some content and it was fine. Was it too hot? Yes. Was the food too far away? Yes. Was the parking lot even further than where the food was? Yes. When we got to the food place, was the line too long? Yes. Was it healthy food? No. Well, what was it? Fried food. Is that good for me? No. Did I wait in line a little bit and then get out of it when I realized that? Yes. Did I waste my time? Yes yes but did i fucking put the video up on youtube and did it go bonkers viral yes so it's all good you know i keep it dummy viral right okay so anyway we went to complex con and um you know there were just fucking guys with weird boots and then of course there's always the thing at any convention where there's just

the naked chicks that are painted instead of wearing clothes hey it's illegal like why is that okay just because we're in a fucking dude i swear to god they do the craziest jankiest shit in in in conventions and they get away with it just because it's like no it's part of it dude you could fucking walk up and have a booth called the stabbing booth and anyone that walks by you just kind of slit them a little bit, just on their side as they walk by, you poke them in the abdomen. It'd be like, oh, on the side oblique. Oh, and you'd be like, hey, welcome to stabbing con. This is the stabbing side of stabbing con. And they're like, Jesus Christ, you're making me bleed.

And they're like, that'll be $2.50, and they just give it to you. And they're like, my God. Actually, can you get my brother? He's coming by soon. It'd be a good prank. And they'd be like, oh, I got to go to the car and get another knife. Anyway, dude. Um, so yeah, so complex con, uh, we did that and, uh, it was what it was, dude.

I don't know how to fucking be at that place. Took a lot of pictures of the people that they were, you know, it was really nice to see some fans. You know, I really liked that a lot. Um, and then I saw people that are like like sneakily trying to take a picture and i'm just dude when i see people dude when you're when you're like a fucking when people know who you are and then you see people like this like trying to take pictures like this like anyone ever holds their fucking phone like this like this is my

favorite when they're just like this when they're just like this and you're standing next to them and you're and you're like okay i gotta i think most fucking celebrities are like i gotta pretend like i don't see this and just let them get away with it or tell them to stop. But I don't do either of those things, right? You know, I'm an, you know, I'm an original, right? I'm not a carbon copy. So I say, hey man, why don't you just ask for a picture? That's what I do. And they say, oh, what? Oh, what? Every time the same, it's the same thing. Oh, what? That's what they say every time. I say, why don't you just take a picture with me? And they say, oh, okay. Okay. And then they do it and they say, nope. Yo buddy, have a good day. And then they walk away because nobody's ever holding their phone like this. Do you know

what I'm saying? We all get it. Everybody who fucking, by the way, people who are on TV or fucking have followings, we, this happens all day to us. Right? so you know what you do when i see somebody fucking uber famous even like way way famous like way more famous than me um i walk up and i just go like this right to their face if that's what i want i go like this because they think well there's no way he had the audacity to just walk up and snap me gave away my secrets it's all good right now is the time where i would hit that renter's thing but the fucking key map isn't working ah yes dude it's not working at all oh dude i quit out of it and i fucking turned it back on and now it's fucking working and yes dude it's loading to hit him up it's loading the back in black it's loading the fucking make my dreams come true and the one thing it loaded at the end was

fucking fucking make my dreams come true and the one thing it loaded at the end was fucking yes dude the timing is everything but we move on you know what i mean we move on dude that was a late renter but we move on man so we were at complex con and fucking ups had an installation and then of course I had to leave. We were, yeah, we had a good time. So it's okay. It's okay. I woke up the next day. Dude, actually, you know what's been happening to me lately?

Fucking this is the biggest idiot shit ever. This is hilarious. This is so stupid. But so if you're a fan of the podcast and if you're all caught up, by the the way one of my favorite things to do is to walk into a group of people and say are you guys all caught up on my podcast i do that when i go to fucking shows like my shows and i see people in the green room and i say is everybody caught up on my podcast to other fucking famous people and then we all have a laugh dude but that's just like a fucking that's just like you know what i mean that's just that's just like a little taste of, but that's just like a fucking, that's just like, you know what I mean? That's just, that's just like a little taste of what I, that's just like a taste of humor. You

know what I mean? For you guys. But, um, uh, so yeah, so I, you know, if you're, if you listen to the show, you know, I take gabapentin to keep, uh, you know, to, for, I guess it's for anxiety. I don't really feel like it does anything to my anxiety, but also it's supposed to keep my restless leg syndrome a little bit at bay. Now it did in the beginning and then it stopped. So the only thing that helps it is busting. You know that. That's the only thing that helps my restless leg syndrome because when you do busting, it provides a nice dopamine shot inside your brain and then it releases inside your body and then you could conk out. At least for me, that's how it works. And you know it's legit because I Googled it

and it was in an issue of Cosmopolitan in 2012. So Bustin helps RLS. Anyway, I still take the gabapentin because I think that I should be taking it because it's a good thing to take to keep my anxiety at bay as well. So I take 300 milligrams or whatever the fuck before I go to bed.

Now, that's pretty much what I take. I don't really go to, fuck before I go to bed. Now, uh, that's pretty much what I tell. I don't really go to, I don't travel to Zanny Island too much anymore. I don't take Xanax. I do have them, but I don't really take them. Right. Um, anyway, uh, I take also, uh, Lexapro to keep my OCD in check. Yes, I actually have OCD. I'm not just one of those fucking chicks. That's like, Oh my God, I'm so OCD. I love to have my room clean and I love jackets. But, um, so I do actually have it diagnosed. Um, but, um, I also have a bite plate that I use for my, uh, TMJ disorder. So basically all I'm trying to say is, yeah, boy, he's falling apart. Um, so sleep is necessary. Now I got a bite plate. Does it help my TMJ? No. All right. Did it a little bit in the beginning?

Yes. That's the whole thing with medications and also like crutches or whatever the fuck you're doing with ailments. You're trying to make it better and keep it good. And it works for a little bit and then it doesn't. And then the problem is you tell the doctor, hey, it's feeling a lot better. And he's like, good. And then you're like, oh, fuck, it's actually not.

And you go back and you say, actually, it's not helping. And then the doctor gets a little bit of a defensive vibe. And he's like, okay, well, you said it was. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I realize it, dude, but not for the long haul. And you know, that's not helping. And then the doctor gets a little bit of a, you know, defensive vibe. And he's like, okay, well, you said it was. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I realize it, dude, but not for the long haul. And you know, that's what I mean. So stop trying to fucking do it. You're a doctor.

Don't be defensive. Right? So I realized now I'm sleeping on my side and I can't fucking sleep on my side because when I sleep on my side, even though I have the bite plate and it makes my jaw even, it pushes the bottom of my jaw to the left and it fucking makes that little soft part unhinge and fucking stay there and now i wake up at my jaw not only feels like it's in pain but it's off to the left so i'm all pissed off i wake up now you know when i wake up i wake up sometimes at 7 30 or 5 30 or 6 or 8 8 a.m right but then i to sleep, right? I wake up where a normal person would wake up and be like, you know what?

I'm going to wake up and start my day. I can't get back to sleep, but it's my body and I get pissed and I want to sleep more. And even though I'm awake, I wait it out. And sometimes it takes 40 minutes, but I still wait it out and I fall asleep. And that's when I have the hardcore vicious dreams. Now, and then I wake up maybe a fucking 1030

or something like that, right? So before I fall asleep and i have the hardcore vicious dreams you wake up what do you do you wake up what's one of the first things you do besides pissing you take it you're parched right so take a sip of water so i take a sip of water and it's very bitter and i'm just like what the fuck gross very bitter. And I'm just like, what the fuck? Gross. So I'm like, eh, whatever. Fall asleep, do some hardcore sleeping, wake up, forgot that it was bitter. Thought maybe I was dreaming that it was bitter. Took another fucking sip of the water. Sure enough, it's bitter. So I'm like, ew, gross. So I, so I walked downstairs and Kristen is with Calvin and I say to her, babe, did you fucking mix up the drinks?

Because sometimes she has medication that she just puts half of it in the water and stirs it around. I'm like, you mixed up the fucking drinks. You know, like it got all bitter. I got yours. And she's like, what do you mean? Was it on your side? Did you take it? Did you take the one on my side?

And I'm like, no, it was on my side. She's like, I didn't put it on your side. I was like, no, what the fuck is it? I don't do that shit. Right. And she, whatever. The conversation fucking my side. She's like, I didn't put it on your side. I was like, then what the fuck is it? I don't do that shit. Right? And she, whatever. The conversation fucking devolved and it's fine. I wrote it off a fucking week or two goes by.

And then I wake up in the middle of the night, parched. And sure enough, the fucking shit is bitter. The water's bitter. And I know now that I'm in control of this water because it already happened to me once and fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me, right? That's how it goes. That's how the saying goes.

So I know I'm in control of this water. So either, either someone is breaking into my house and drugging me, or Kristen is secretly putting stuff in my drink, or it's my fault. And I don't want it to be the last one at all. I'd rather someone be breaking in and fucking with me, or Kristen to be doing a prank. And you know how I feel about pranks? I hate them. That's what unfunny people do. So, so I, oh, by the way, fucking, I did have a prank show in development at Netflix.

I just want to say that's what they were saying it was. It was never supposed to be a prank show. I don't know why they fucking put that in the news about that. So don't be all coming at me like, oh, yeah, you don't like pranks. Why don't you do a prank show? It was never supposed to be a prank show i don't know why they fucking put that in the news by that so don't be all coming at me like oh yeah you don't like pranks oh why'd you do prank show was never supposed to be a prank show anyway so uh so i i'm like what the fuck i it's bitter again and not only that it's bitter and i realize there's something in my mouth. So now I immediately think, oh, a spider went in my water. And I don't know why I think this, but that's what I think. And I'm, it's, it's the amount of certainty that I have that it's a spider that went in

my water. The amount of certainty was, was like, oh, well, Chris, are there clouds in the sky? Oh, well, yes. Right. And even if you can't see them, well, certainly they're there somewhere. Right. That's how I was. So I get up because there's something in my mouth, walk over to the bathroom like a zombie

because I'm half asleep. And then I spit out in the toilet bowl, take a tinkle and I don't have my glasses on. So I'm trying to look at what's in the fucking toilet bowl. I'm trying to see the spider. I see nothing. So now I'm like, you know what? I dreamt it. I'm like, you know what? I fucking dreamt it. Fuck it. I'm going back to sleep. I'm having dreams of, of like waking up and tasting water and it's fucking tasting the way it's tasting because I'm half asleep. So I go back to sleep and then I wake up and I drink it and it's fucking, dude, yes, it's bitter again.

Two of those because it was bitter twice. And as a matter of fact, the first time. And he did it again. Yes, dude. The water's bitter. Yes. Do I have a brain tumor? Right?

Because water's just water. Water tastes like nothing. So I get up and now I'm pissed. I'm like, what the fuck is it? I mean, I'm so 41. What the fuck is a fucking goddamn water tasting all shit? And I go back to look in the toilet bowl again. Cause I'm like, I'm going to find this motherfucking spider. Dude, the amount of energy that I'm spending on this bullshit is hilarious.

Okay. And I look and i see nothing again and there's a bull the bull's got piss in it still i don't i don't flush i'd like to say you know me i like to save water right so i'm like all right i gotta go really investigate this water i gotta go look and see if it's a different color or whatever the fuck and i go to the fucking bottle of water and I look in it and there's like this fucking weird white little, like it looks like a plastic bag thing. I mean, really little, like what the fuck is this? And I look and I, I pour it out into my hand over the sink and I'm fucking with it. And it's like all gooey and shit. And I'm ripping it apart. But I'm like, dude,

you know, when like bodies are in the water for a long time, they get all waterlogged and purple and shit. So I'm like, oh, well this could be fucking anything, right? If humans end up looking like waterlogged trolls when they're in the fucking lake for a week, then what the fuck could this be? This was in here for a night and it's a really little thing that was submerged, right? So I'm like pulling it apart. And then I look closely to this thing and it's got like three little numbers and letters

or four of them or whatever. And that's when I realized it was half a pill. Dude, here's the thing. I was taking my gabapentin as I was going to bed and my bite plate was blocking one of the gabapentins and keeping it backwashed into the Arrowhead bottle of water and disintegrating into it. And I was waking up and drinking it anyway. So even though my bite plate was fucking with me, I still got the right dosage of gabapentin. Dude!

Yes, dude! I fucking, I win, I win, dude I love when I win even though I fucking think I'm losing, man Fuck yeah, man You know he keeps getting the right dosage of gabapentin And it still doesn't help his RLS and he results to busting Yeah, dude Oh my god, return of the Mac

Fuck yeah, dude He tells stories too long, but the babies are with him, dude, because this is a cult and we'll be in high grass sharing ideas, wearing all white or maybe all blue because all white is fucking synonymous with the KKK outside of a log cabin in the daytime and inside of that log cabin at night, dude. You're with me, dude. Oh, man. Fuck yeah, dude. You're with me, dude. Oh, man.

Fuck yeah, man. It's so awesome, dude. Life. Right? It's so awesome that sometimes you're driving home from a place. I was driving home from a place recently with Kristen, and this guy's just driving next to us and he looks at me high as a motherfucker dude

high as a motherfucker and uh higher than a motherfucker what's that song higher than a motherfucker right 50 cent did i make it up who knows who cares and um how about the song that goes my gun talk wait my whip talk to me watch talk to me my gun my gun talk to me blow it up homie worst translator um so i was so we're driving and then this guy drives by and he's higher than a motherfucker dude and he's in the passenger seat and this chick is driving and he looks at me and he's laughing and i'm like oh this guy is blasted out of his mind but also maybe he recognizes me

i don't know i mean this guy could think i'm fucking chris angel for all i mean he's so high fuck it he's so high he could think i'm jeffrey rush right um i mean i look a little bit like chris angel but this guy's so high i could fucking be uh christian bale when he was playing uh the vice president dick cheney i don't know what he's seeing but he's laughing and his face is so red uh and he's like what's up dude and i'm like hey man he's like, what's up, dude? And I'm like, Hey man. He's like, nice car. I'm like, cool. Thanks.

And he says, want to buy a dog? And those are the weirdest two sentences together to say to anybody. Nice car. And then want to buy a dog. Okay. Because of course I don't want to buy a dog. Right. Because who wants to buy a dog?

First of all, if you want to buy a dog, right? Because who wants to buy a dog? First of all, if you want to buy a dog, rescue a dog, right? But if you don't want to, fine. If you want to buy a purebred, okay. But then you go to the place, right? You don't just have a guy in a Ford Explorer drive up with his tongue hanging out of the window, the guy, and then he says, want to buy a dog? And I say, what are you talking about? You have dogs? And he goes like this and lifts up his arms. He's holding three French

bulldogs, little puppies. And I'm just like, oh shit. And Kristen is so, she's just already starts thinking, oh, this is something is day. Like her mind immediately goes to, oh, they're breeding them for cage fighting. That's what they are. They're bait dogs. They're bait dogs for the cage. That's what they are. They're bait dogs. Like literally,

like I look over at Kristen and her eyes are welling up and I'm like, maybe it's fine. They're probably fine. He's just trying to make some money. And I was like, what, what do you have three French bulldogs for? And he's just,

and he's like, oh dude, I'm going to sell them for 5,000 each. But if you want 3,000 for you, and I'm just like, Hey man, don't negotiate because I didn't even want it in the first place. Anyway, I got two, but, um, no, yeah. So weird.

LA is fucking crazy bonkers, dude. It's the end of the world is my point. It's the end of the fucking world. Guys are outside of fucking Ford explorers, just hawking French bulldogs, the most sought after fucking dogs that you could possibly get, by the way. French Bulldogs go for like, you know, you could buy a fucking Lamborghini Urus for the price of a French Bulldog. I'll say French Bulldog. Foghorn, leghorn. Been doing a lot of fucking watching this documentary the toys that made us and i

watched the teenage mutant ninja turtles one with with uh for the toys i didn't realize how successful teenage mutant ninja turtles teenage mutant ninja turtles dude and fucking we watched it and i was like man i love these toys and kristen was like that's so cool you like these toys and i was like hell yeah dude and she was like and she was like oh watched it and I was like, man, I love these toys. And Kristen was like, that's so cool. You like these toys. And I was like, hell yeah, dude. And she was like, oh, cool. And so I was like, let's watch it. Let's watch the first episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ever with Calvin. Because I didn't really get to do that with my dad.

My dad tried to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles three times. And each time he tried to watch it, it was the same episode that he had already seen. But that's how fucking TV worked back then. You know what I mean? That's how TV worked back then. You couldn't just stream it here we are we could stream it i was like let's start it with the first episode and watch it with calvin it was very special only for me calvin didn't even watch it at all but i watched the first show and um yeah that fucking it's crazy that nostalgia huh that shit that just comes back to you immediately just i'm like what is what was the theme song of them again and then immediately it's just like teenage i'm

just like teenage mutant ninja turtles they're heroes in a half shell and they're green and do it and i'm just like and they're green age mutant ninja turd and then and then kristen's like green age mutant ninja she thought she was gonna catch me was like, yep, that's what it is. When the evil shredder attacks, these turtle boys don't cut them no slack. And I go up, dude, because I sing well. I don't just fucking do the harmony. I go up, right? Or the melody.

I do the harmony. I'll do the harmony even if nobody's singing with me. That's how fucking ridiculously in tune with my own voice I am, right? So she tried to embarrass me and be like green age teenagers. I guess that's, that's what it is. Actually. They say teenage over the green and it sounds

like green age. So anyway, it was good and it was fun. And I enjoyed watching it with Calvin, even though he didn't even give a shit. It's crazy how bad shit is back then. Like we even watched and it's good, right? Because of for what it was, but we even watched and, and it's good, right? Because for what it was, but we even watched back to the future and dude, there's some shit in back to the future where you're like, oh my God, that would never fly now.

Look at how fucking ridiculous and back to the future is one of the best movies of all the time. I stand by that, dude, you got to stand for something. And that's one of the things I stand for. And, uh, it's, uh, dude, I have a friend, he's like a kind of like a movie dork. And I, I immediately said, what number I texted him. I was like,

back to the future. And I was like, what number back to the future? Uh, what, what is your top out of, how do I say this? Out of your top 10,

what rank is back to the future? The movie, the top 10 movies. And he wrote back for, Oh, dude, who would know immediately? He just said four dude the text came through four that's it dude that was it i haven't talked to him in months out of top 10 out of your first What number is your fucking Back to the Future? Whew.

Four. Huge Dark. His one is E.T. Ah! Dark! Ha! I told him, you gotta have a new number one. And he said, what's wrong with ET?

And I said, nothing. You got Schindler's list is out. There's other movies, man. Even pick fucking, you know, pick some with the rock in it. Even I don't give a fuck, but update your favorite movie, dude. If your favorite movie is from fucking 1960 or whatever, I know ET's in the eighties, but like some people will like stand by. You'll be like, who's your favorite? One time I asked my grandma, I was like, who's your favorite actor?

And she was like, Gregory Peck. I'm like, get the fuck out of here, dude. The fuck out. Update it, grandma. Update it, Carmela. That was my grandma's name because I'm so fucking Italian. And I have an Uncle Vinny and a cousin Butch. Dude, you forget who the fuck you're listening to.

I keep it so Italian. I'm practically in the group The Firm with Nas, Foxy Brown, and A.G. They always fucking, you know, did that fucking mob boss rapping style shit. Who am I explaining myself? Anyway, dude, I'm just like when the when the when the evil shredder attacks these turtle boys don't cut him no slack harmony um dude did you

know that fucking uh the guy who wrote the g the jingle of teenageage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the guy who created two and a half men. That's the truth. It's the actual guy, not a guy with the same name. It's the guy, what's his name? Chuck, Chuck Lorre. That's the guy who wrote the jingle for the Ninja Turtles. Not only that, dude, he's the guy who, he doesn't sing only that dude he's the guy who he doesn't sing it but he's the guy who does the ad-libs in it like give me a break these turtle boys give me a break

he's the guy who does those voices dude chuck lori writes the fucking teenagerage Mutant Ninja Turtles jingle, which is ill as shit, dude. So my question, Chuck Lorre, is what the fuck happened when you wrote Man? That intro song sucks donkey dick. Dude, Two and a Half Men was the worst intro song ever man first of all it's about ladies man and the jingles the gayest jingle of all like i don't know how fucking gays didn't put that in the front line of their parades just looping it over making a diplo song out of it where the beat dropped and fucking

a bunch of just guys just explode jizz like a fucking the the literal parade could just be like man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man and dudes just jizzing all over the gay crowd and the gay crowds love it how is it not that dude how is it still i'm coming out dude that's old shit that's the gregory peck of the news it's like dude man so gay chuck lorry was and i fucking was sitting there and i was like chuck lorry did this shit and kristen was like well that just was like, Chuck Lorre did this shit. And Kristen was like, well, that just goes to show you. And I go, stop. Don't want to hear the rest of it. And of course she said, you know, talent just is going to find, I find a way. I'm just like, dude, I don't, I don't have these kinds of conversation. I don't have the whole, well,

you know, if you're talented, it comes through it. I don't have those conversations. I don't have the whole talent finds a way conversations. That's just not the kind of conversation I want. A fucking 11 a.m. on a Saturday. Just give me my iced Americano. I just woke up and drank some bitter water. Man. Can we play it or no? Probably not.

That sucks. That just means that you can buy it somewhere dude if i play the the two and a half men thing we get we'll get demonetized which sucks because not because i can't play it but because that means you can buy that bullshit song somewhere ah Because that means you can buy that bullshit song somewhere. What's up with Pete Davidson? Dude, he's like... Is he fucking Nutella? He's just basically Nutella.

Because chicks are just always like, oh, I love Nutella, he's just basically Nutella. Because chicks are just always like, oh, I love Nutella. And they feel the same way about Pete Davidson. I mean, every girl I've ever met loves Pete Davidson. Everyone. What is it about this dude? I like the guy. He's a buddy of mine. I fucking always liked him.

We've had good times together. Funny dude. I personally think he's a buddy of mine i fucking always liked him we've had good times together funny dude i personally think he's a star but what the fuck is the deal it's just like pete davidson first it was ariana grandy i don't know if it's grandy or grandy or grant grant i think it's venti and then it was uh another one like up-and-coming star another one then kate beckinsale he hit the old shit he was like oh i'll keep it nostalgic you know making me all fucking bent out of show you're dating kate oh you take oh you're dating kate beck oh you're dating kate beckinsale okay well yeah pearl harbor was pearl harbor fucking sucked michael bay didn't even really but whatever it's okay she was in that but yeah no it's good do it do do it. And then now he's dating Kim Kardashian, I guess. I don't even

know. They were like holding hands on a roller coaster and fucking it's like, dude, Hey, Hey Pete, are you in the teller? What's the deal? Girls will just put you on everything and devour you. girls will just put you on everything and devour you, it's amazing, it's actually amazing, he's cool, man, he's fucking cool, you know what it is, it's that whole, I don't know really what's happening thing that chicks like, right, like Pete, like a fucking car crash could happen and Pete would just be like, I don't, you know, it's like, I hope everyone's pete would just be like i don't you know it's like i hope everyone's okay and you'll be like pete you're in it you know and and girls just find that sexy as shit dude i mean the guy's got wacky tattoos nobody gets more nobody gets more pussy than a guy with wacky tattoos for real you like steve-o oh that dude forget it. Steve-O in fucking 2000-whatever? Steve-O? I love it, man. You gotta fucking, you know, it's like, every time a white guy figures it out, I'm happy these days, you know, because white guys really aren't figuring it out right it's always like if you fucking if you like you see donald glover

you're like oh of course he's dating okay yes i get it donald glover i get it okay because that's what's up even if it's danny glover you're like i you know i still get it you know it's not a white guy but it's fucking pete davidson he cracked the code nowadays but i see young white comics i'm like you better be undeniable it's not that easy for a white dude, you better be undeniable. It's not that easy for a white dude anymore. You better be undeniable. Pete found the side. He was like, I'm hilarious, but also I'll just fucking figure out how to be Nutella to these chicks. Amplify, amplify, double it, double it. I'm going to keep doubling until they kill me.

Can't say the real quote because it's got the N word in it, but that's what Tupac said. Yeah, man. me can't say the real quote because it's got the n-word in it but that's what tupac said yeah man um it's so weird man i was watching like the hollywood thing is like when you meet somebody and you date somebody it's just like you you get all this press about you and then you become in the system and then all of a sudden you're one of those guys. And like, I was looking at a fucking video of Kevin Hart, who seems like a fucking fantastic dad, by the way, and he was on the court, the basketball court, and he had his son with him and he was like, the players was all like,

they were all talking to the kid. And the caption on the thing was, Kevin Hart's the father of the year because his son was like hanging out with these guys. And I'm just like looking at it and I'm like, they, this had, they have it all wrong. Like Kevin Hart isn't father of the year because that like his son, he has access to fucking these things. It's that he's literally hanging out with his son and he's being a good dad because he kisses him on the forehead and shit like that. But like, you know, just because Mello Anthony or whoever the fuck his name is, I don't even know anymore, but I think that's a guy's name. Gave him, gave his son his shoes.

It's like, that's not what makes a good dad. Right. We glorify these fucking things. And like, here's the other thing too. Like after everything that I went through, like all these motherfuckers who just like backstabbed me and just turned on me without even asking me any questions about it. Right. Who just didn't even call me up and say, Hey, what's going on? They were all of a sudden just like backstabbed me and just turned on me without even asking me any questions about it right who just didn't even call me up and say hey what's going on they were all of a sudden just like fuck them we don't need fuck them right like friends people that i thought were my friends like it's just like this this shit is just it's so fake dude it's so fake like that's

not the important shit man and i was like how is how is i said to my therapist i was like how is calvin gonna know uh that like the shit that was said about me is untrue and my therapist has said you're he's just gonna know because he's gonna know you and i was like sometimes you say the most simplest shit dude a therapist sometimes says the most simplest shit it puts everything into fucking perspective and dude you're like you know what you're right he is gonna know me dude what am i worried about something that's gonna fucking just be the best dad you can fucking be and that doesn't involve what you have and what you get and shit like that i don't want to get all fucking serious, but...

Speaking of me, I'm not wanting to get all serious. The Travis Scott thing. 11 people died, dude, or something like that, which is absolutely fucking crazy, this Travis Scott thing at Astroworld. Yeah, it's really fucking sad. I have a lot of shit I want to say about this. I don't know know if i'll say it and i don't know if it'll come out right but i was in the shower the other way talking about it by myself and i was absolutely killing it i was just washing my armpits and another thing you know

you fucking motherfuckers don't get it you know you're saying this and it's that you ever be in the shower just besides say fuck singing i'll be in a world-class debate. People are like, yeah, you sing in the shower. Like, that's the funny thing. Fuck singing, bro. I'm fucking killing it. I'm on NPR telling all those motherfuckers. I'm Tupac on those motherfuckers.

And your motherfuckers don't actually, it doesn't actually matter. This stupid shit that you're talking about doesn't matter. And they're all like turning like, oh man, he's kind of right, dude. I got the whole NPR motherfuckers quitting their jobs in my shower but this travis scott shit happened um apparently there wasn't enough security i don't know they didn't have enough you know what the whole fucking thing is for me i don't know what happened we don't know what all we know is the end result 11 people died or whatever it is we don't know what happened you don't know what happened. You don't know what happened. You don't really know how it happened and you don't know who did what. And guess what? You also don't know.

You don't know that Travis Scott saw people dying and kept performing. Here's the thing that's driving me nuts, dude. Everybody is saying they're trying to cancel Travis Scott because he should have known his concerts are toxic. His concerts are dangerous and he knew what he was doing. And these are old clips we pulled up. Now, somehow we're just fucking showing them for the, they're just seeing the light of day now, even though we're all saying, we always knew he was toxic and he always knew he was toxic. And now, and now this is what happened and see what happens.

And we could have prevented it when it's like you were holding onto the video anyway. What the fuck were you holding onto the video for? Were you waiting for somebody to die? Oh, but it's Travis's fault. everyone's saying it's travis's fault he needs to nike should chill on travis he should be banned from fucking coachella oh because it's travis's fault because why because fucking uh nile horan who i fucking love did a concert with a guitar and stopped in the middle of it and said hold on they're acting up and people we have to make sure that they're safe why because? Because he's a good guy. And because fucking, that absolutely makes sense

when some guy's strumming his guitar. And because you can stop and be like, hold on, guys, I see something in the front row and this is unsafe. But Astroworld, Travis Scott, literally there's a fucking phoenix coming out of the ashes on fire. Pyrotechnics, fucking clouds and smoke and loud ass fucking hip-hop music and and you think that travis scott saw in the crowd somehow

10 different people dying and and saw that and then thought you know what fuck it this next one's about my rims you actually think that these motherfuckers on TikTok are going viral. Like I was the medic. I was in the MT. I was at the concert and you know what? It was so hard to breathe. Yeah, it was hard to breathe. And Travis should be stopped and Travis should stop. Yeah. Oh, Travis should stop. Oh, it's Travis's fault. It's Travis's fault. It's his fault. Travis is a singer, dude. Travis is a singer. And as a matter of fact, he was the only one that wasn't in that crowd. The dude was 900 feet in the air on a fucking pole. Like he's David Blaine with cool shoes on. And you think

he's busy looking down at somebody who might be, by the way, what about the people who were passing out pills for fucking saying there were one thing that weren't, there was a whole article about how other people were passing out pills and fucking this shit was, was making people overdose. What about the security?

What about the fucking police? What about, what about you? What about you? You were at the concert concert it's not your fault at all yeah it might singularly not be your fault you might have stood back but you know what else that means you don't know what travis saw you don't know it's his fault. Everyone wants to blame the motherfucker on top. It all trickles down. Travis shows up in some cool shoes and some dreadlocks and fucking raps some songs. It's a travesty.

And it sucks and it's horrible, man. And my heart fucking breaks for those kids. There was a 10-year-old kid that died. But you're going to put a video on TikTok? Here's why I think Travis should be canceled. You're using this shit for your agenda. You were in the crowd. It's more your fault than Travis's fault. I'm fucking sick and tired of people just blaming the powerful people.

You came up. Everyone got a participation trophy. Everyone got a fucking Mr. Hustle. And because of that, you're now 20 years old saying, hey, look, it's that guy's fault. Miles and miles and scores and acres away. When you're right fucking there. When security's there. The police are there.

The medics were there. The medics are there. Yeah, we shouldn't have been that way. What about how you're the medic? You just fucked up. That's what happened. It was unfortunate and terrible. Learn from it. But trying to get fucking nike to not make a fucking travis scott shoe everyone's on tiktok i was there and you know what i couldn't believe it like they're the

fucking goddamn uh uh uh new woodward and bernstein cartoon on fox kids you don't know what the fuck happened everyone thinks you're a goddamn investigative reporter. Dude, you were just there. You bought a ticket. You don't know what happened. And then I saw this and then I saw that. No, you saw what you saw. It was harrowing and it was horrible.

And guess what? You're not going to be able to articulate it in one minute on fucking TikTok to a fucking LaCroix Ray beat or whatever the fuck that rapper is. LaRoy Craig, LaCroix Bray,

LaCroix, I don't know. I like LaCroix, so I just fucking say LaCroix. It's just so fucking backwards, dude. You think Travis saw people dying.

I mean, people really think, oh, he knew this thing is toxic and he's shit and he fucking knew. You think that this motherfucker was up? And I'll say it, dude. People are pussies and they won't fucking say it. It's soft as shit, man. Gen Z.

Buck the fuck up, man. Buck up. Sometimes real shit happens and it's not that person's fault. You were there. You all fucked up. Everyone fucked up. Gen Z, a lot of you listen to this podcast.

I'm fucking telling you, man. I promise you, Travis Scott didn't want people to die at his fucking concert. It's laughable, dude. It's like the wokest of the woke. You're fucking QAnon. It's the same fucking thing. It's like the wokest of the woke. You're a fucking QAnon. It's the same fucking thing. You're believing shit. You might as well be at the fucking in Dallas

waiting for the real JFK to show up. He's dead, motherfucker. You think those QAnon motherfuckers are out to lunch. You think they're lunatics. You're doing the same fucking thing. Oh, well, Travis Scott always knew and this and that. He could have been more like a fucking other you know you don't know it's like fucking woken on it's the new q anon q anon got fucked when trump didn't okay all right

well fuck it okay fine now there's like eight guys out standing next to a highway waiting for fucking jfk to re-emerge that's whatAnon is. And these woke motherfuckers are like, see, Dave Chappelle, he hates everyone. And then also Travis Scott needs to go to jail because he was singing a song while people died. You don't get it, dude. And guess what? You know what? I don't either. I don't either, but at least I shut the fuck up and I'm just talking shit to you. I'm not, I don't know what the fuck happened let the police do their fucking goddamn thing let security figure out where their flaws were and where their holes were I'm getting so fucking heated dude let's just throw one of these in for fucking good measure I'm QAnon. I believe that fucking JFK is coming back,

and he's that guy who's got the long hair and the weird beard, whatever the fuck that guy is. Just all I'm saying, dude, Travis Scott, I know you're listening, and just keep your fucking head up, man. You ain't shit unless you have 10,000 haters and you got, you got more than that. So you're doing a lot better. That's that 10,000 hater rule, dude, that I fucking always think about. I put it in my, I made it up. It's in my head. I'd never spoken out loud, but dude, everyone's got, if you But dude, you ain't shit until you got 10,000 haters, man. That's when you really know you're doing some shit right.

So when you got 10,000 motherfuckers on Twitter yelling at you that you should die, that's when you know, you take a breath and you know you're the motherfucking man, dude. Got way too serious. Everybody knows, right? Everybody knows. You all know. You're all Woodward and fucking Bernstein. Okay. Anyway, this shit is hilarious. Following the, this is a, this is a moment, a top moment on Twitter that my producer sent me. This is a moment on Twitter. Following the release of a new trailer for the film Being

the Ricardos. First of all, that name sucks, Being the Ricardos. Starring Nicole Kidman as comedy icon Lucille Ball, some continue to share their disappointment that Deborah Messing wasn't cast in the role instead. All right. First of all, I can't believe there's even one person that thinks that, but there is, there's a bunch of people. Okay. I just, how do you not, how do you not go immediately after, even if you think that you don't think, oh, well, but Nicole Kidman is one of the most famous and they want to, oh yeah, they want the movie to make money. That's right. I forgot. I don't know how you, like these people don't get how it works. You just need

someone who's going to fucking drive ticket sales. Debra Messing was famous for a show 105 years ago, alright? Man. Man. And I just, so there's a bunch of people I guess talking about this and it's a top thing on twitter

this is kind of shit sucks okay and i'll tell you why it sucks it's just so negative like why is this it's so irresponsible of twitter to put this on as a top moment? It only makes everybody involved feel bad. Do you understand what I'm talking about? Let's just break it down, okay? Nicole Kidman reads, oh, a bunch of people want Debra Messing to do the part and not me. Okay, well, good. That makes my day.

That makes her feel like shit. Debra Messing reads this and thinks, oh, that's nice, but of course I can't get the role because Nicole Kidman's going to do it. Fuck Hollywood. All right? And it makes the producers think, did we make a mistake? It's just so negative, dude.

The fact that this is a thing, like just Twitter, just fucking talk about how somebody had a kid or some shit or somebody bought balloons. I can't wait till fucking Twitter, just fucking talk about how somebody had a kid or some shit. Or somebody bought balloons. I can't wait till fucking the shit changes. Who knows if it ever will.

Oh, man, I didn't mean to get fucking. This podcast is turning into a drama. It's turning into fucking like some serious like Lila I like King speech shit where you're just like whoa. Oh god. Yeah, it's kind of funny But also it just makes you feel weird and like it's funny that he's stuttering but like also it's sad You know. That's what it is. I decided to cave. I'm getting a haircut.

I'm not going to just get my... I'm not going to do it. I've been cutting my own hair for like a year and a half. I'm caving. Your boy's caving. All good things come to an end. That choppy fucking thing with the hair was cool. It was nice. But it was just you know caught caught the back of my head in a few videos and thought

okay time to sit down in that chair gonna go back to the old to yeah just gonna go back to the place i used to go to and then i'm gonna do it they're gonna cut it i'm gonna get mad but then in like three four or five days it's gonna start to, right? Because that's when haircuts start looking banging. They're really bad and then they start looking banging. I'm sweating. And that's that. Well, we're done with another episode of the fucking life ripping podcast.

Congratulations. You can go to our merch store, crystalia.com. You pick up this fucking shirt, killing it, keeping it cool with the off-white. We got the hoodies and we got the make friends in the comments, which is still my favorite merch, although the Sorry Strong guys might be.

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Thanks. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucker! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! All right, here we go. You ready?