Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 224. Really Do Be Bussin'

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🛎 Thank you: ShipStation: https://shipstation.com - use code CONGRATS In this week's episode of Congratulations Chris discusses Cameo, his dad's Thanksgiving blunder, and plays everyone's favorite new game, Am I Hot or Am I Cold! Plus Missed Connections! 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, guys. Welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Congratulations. It's, let's see, what is it? It is right now December, and it is, and we are in Los Angeles, and you know what that means. Am I hot or am I cold? Let means. Am I hot or am I cold?

Let's play Am I Hot or Am I Cold? Yeah, dude! Am I hot or am I cold? Woo! It's my favorite, most annoying game show. Am I hot or am I cold? Now, let me tell you something, dude. We know if we listen.

I'm just going to start off. I got some fucking stuff that I obviously I want to talk about. Like, we got merch that's banging on all fucking syllables and all that shit. And it's just insane. And, you know, I'm all about the bags, but I want to start by playing this most annoying game show of all time. Am I hot or am I not? And dude, it's, it's not about sexiness. It's about temperature you know if you listen to this podcast and if you're a an a

listener to this podcast that the host of this podcast aka me is you know i run i run cold i'm cold as shit all the time i'm cold i keep my hotel uh room shit at 78 degrees like you're i'm practically a fucking lizard you know i what I'm talking about? Now, Kristen, does she get mad? Yes. Does the fucking, does, does, does our nanny get mad? Yes. Do people get mad when they come over? Yes. Do I care? No, I pay the bills. It's all good. Calvin, is he mad? Who knows? We don't know. He barely talks. He barely talks. And a lot of time, honestly, we blow the, uh, the back of the air conditioner. We have one of those tube ones that blows really cold air into the podcast room.

And we put the tube on the outside. So it ejects the hot air in the back. I don't know if you guys know these things. A lot of businesses have these. And this is a business, right? We run a business here. So we have one of those. And the tube shoots out. And Calvin goes and he sits down outside of it it and he looks at it and he goes, hot, hot, hot.

And he likes it. So he might be on team D'Elia. Well, Chris D'Elia, right? Because there's other D'Elias that don't like it. So I run cold. I always want the air on and I'm freezing like an icicle. But whatever, I get that it's my deal. All right? I get that it's my thing. my thing but what i'm pissed off about and i'm not mad look i'm trying to get it just i'm trying to be cool you know obviously have an anger problem um just but don't we all you know i'm talking about people are always like you know acting like i had told somebody i had an anger

problem they're like oh really oh well that's, that's pretty wild. And I'm like, bro, you got one too, okay? You're a person. You got an anger problem in this world. If you don't have an anger problem in this world, honestly, what is going on? What is your IQ? All right? So I am, now it's December and that means in LA, it's too cold in the shade, but hot when you leave the shade. Amazing, dude.

Amazing. Doesn't happen in August. Doesn't happen in September. It happens a little bit in October and November. It'll be two weeks on two weeks off and then December That's just what it is That's just what it is Dude

Honestly the first few days of December It was cold I bought a sweater I left it in the car I would go leave to go sit Nice at a cafe I'd be outside and I'd just be in my t-shirt And I would be way too fucking cold i'd have to go and get my i have to go and get my my fucking sweater dude isn't that amazing

man and every time every day i would do it i'd be like i could probably do it this time and i'd do it and i would be in the shade in the cafe and then i have to leave and go get it in my in my park car and i have to do it in between the meal. Fuck yeah, dude. That's so cool. Why do I do that? Why? My question is, why do I do that? I'll like, I'm the kind of guy that like holds my piss for way too long until I'm just extremely uncomfortable, dude. I'll leave therapy and I'll be like, I'm thirsty. Uh, I my therapist for a cup of water or I'll just go home. Dude, 10 minutes into the drive. I'm so parched and pissed off that I got to pull over.

Why do I do that? Why do I not prep? I don't prep for the actual ride. I don't prep for the day. I don't do this shit. I don't know if I'm not bringing my hoodie or my sweater to the place out of just sheer fuck.

Like, you remember the whole Depends thing where I got Depends because I'm like, dude, I'm not going to wake up to piss anymore. That's my body. But I'm going to use the Depends to fucking win over my body. I don't know if you saw this episode, but it was a few episodes back. Previously on Congratulations.

So I did it a few nights. And every night, I pissed all over the bed. Like I started wearing Depends to bed because I'm like, I'm not getting up fucking too early to take a piss. I'm going to do it. And I would wake up and I pissed in the Depends and I was happy as shit. I pissed all over the bed because I was like, body, I win body. Like my body was another person. It's all me, but I'm like, dude, I'm my mind and my body. Do you understand? So I don't know why I do this, but I got to talk. I actually, I'm going to talk to my therapist about this because it seems masochistic, dude. I just, I'm never the right temperature is what I'm saying.

I'm actually never the right temperature. Cars? Forget it. Forget it. Do cars even have the right temperature? I'm either too cold. Dude, if I put the air on, okay, I'll put it on three minutes. Got to turn it off.

It's too cold. So then I fucking, I'm in the car and then I'm what? I'm fucking too hot. And I got my sweater on. So I take my sweater off. I'm still too hot. So I put the air on and I put the air on for three minutes. I'm fucking too cold. If I have a 20 minute ride, I'm fucking changing outfits. Like, like I'm playing fucking four parts in a musical dude. It's unbelievable. Figure it out. Cars figure it out. Weather. I got it. That's why people live in fucking Florida, dude. They always know what they're going to get. Right.

Or even better, like, like a town that's like the best town would be like, not like in a place that was just like Hawaii where you didn't even have to really use cars that much. You just chilled on the beach and you, you know, you didn't even have to really use cars that much. You just chilled on the beach and you, you know, you didn't even have like, do they even have like the fact that places even have air conditioning in, um, breezy beach.

You don't need it, dude. You don't need it. You just need open walls and shit. And you just close the doors when it's fucking nighttime. And it's beautiful, man. It's beautiful.

Although my mom did have a beach house and dude, when we would go, I'd be like, it's too, it's just so cold at the have a beach house and dude when we would go i'd be like it's too it's just so cold at the beach you know fuck man it's never good you know what dude i don't want to start off this podcast complaining let's let's talk about something good i did i started off complaining and i didn't even mean to i wanted to talk about how happy i was i wanted to talk about how happy i was about fucking uh uh uh merch and shit and just i didn't i didn't but

that's how we do it we fly by the seat of our pants my babies that's what we do but yeah we got the merch we got the worldwide life rips hoodies and pants and they just fucking fire on all syllables we got the make friends in the comments shits we got the fucking go medium and sometimes stay out we've got all those sorts of, you know, and it's awesome, dude. And let me tell you something too. I see people out there like reposting the merch purchases and, and, and out in the world wearing life rips hoodies and shit. And like, just dude, like the support is just so cool, man. When I see you on the street and you weren't a life rips hoodie, dude, it's unreal to me,

man. Like your support means the fucking world, you know? And even if you're just a listener and you don't have that shit, your support means the fucking world to me, man. Like your support means the fucking world, you know? And even if you're just a listener and you don't have that shit, your support means the fucking world to me, dude. It really does, man. I just, I fucking love you for it, man. I really love you for it. And that's how I meant to start the podcast.

But dude, I would never disrespect you and not talk about how I feel. I would never disrespect you and fucking come out here with some planned shit if I didn't feel like what, like doing it. if i didn't feel like what like doing it and that's not how i felt like doing it and now this is how i feel like saying it right now so i respect you motherfuckers to tell that to tell you like to tell it like that um yeah man i was on stage the other day dude guess get this dude i was on stage the other day, get off stage. Guy comes up to me. Hey bud. And I never know if it's going to be like some fans will come up to you and talk to

you like they know you. And those people have changed the game for me. They've changed the game. I don't know what I'm going to get now. It's social media that fucks everything up, right? I'm posting on social media. The rock posted on social media. Keanu doesn't do it, but like fucking, you know, the, the third lead and fucking CSI it's social media that fucks everything up, right? I'm posting on social media. The Rock posted on social media.

Keanu doesn't do it. But like fucking, you know, the third lead in fucking CSI Miami is posting on social media. You feel like you know these motherfuckers. Basically, you have everybody's number because you could just DM them, right? I mean, Wesley Snipes, I got his fucking, I basically have his phone number.

I could just DM him right now if I wanted to. He'll get it. I don't know if he'll check it or not, but who knows if he'll check his phone, right? So basically, I have a direct line to Keira Sedgwick. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I just do. That's just how social media is. And so it makes everyone seem like they know you, especially comedians, because I have a podcast. I talk at least an hour every week. And people are riding in their cars. I know you're riding in your cars right now, and you're like, yeah, yeah, okay, true, yeah, oh, that's's right. Chris or no, no, no, Chris. I don't agree

with that, but it feels like we're having a conversation. So you feel like, you know, me. So social media has changed the game for celebrities. It really has now. Now people walk up and they say, yo, what's up, bro. And they think because they listened that now I know, you know, I don't know. So I don't know if I know you or if you're a fan is my point. So a guy comes up to me, he says, Hey bud. And I say, Oh, what's going on, man? Don't know. And he says, dude, I'm so-and-so from cameo. And I go, that's the motherfucker. I know him. I know this guy, right? I met a lot of people in my life. I know this guy. He's from the app cameo and, uh, where I charge $50,000 for a shout out. Now I'm the most expensive person on Cameo by design.

That's how I want it to be. I'm not doing it unless I get 50 racks, right? To shout out somebody on their bar mitzvah or their birthday or their bachelor party or whatever the fuck it is. Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, I can say Honolulu. The most chilling-ass Jew. And so I say, oh yeah, that's the dude from Cameo. I met him before, and he was like, what's up, dude?

And I was like, oh, what's up? And we were talking and shit, and he was like, dude, I know. He's like, you should get on Cameo. He's like, just take a look. And I'm like, I don't know. You know, I made fun of it so fucking hard and I thought it was so funny, but you know me though. Also when bags are involved, all this shit goes out the window. You saw me do a Burger King ad. You saw me do that for some racks. I'm not going to not do it just because I don't eat fast food. If you want to fucking pass me some racks, I'm for hire. So I'm like, how much money do you think I should, I could really make on Cameo? And he told me and my eyes go dollar signs. So I, I am on Cameo now. And if I don't make as much

as that dude said I was going to make, I'm going to be so fucking mad. So come through. Yes, dude. I'm on cameo. Finally, the wait is over, man. I saw motherfuckers on it. Like the guys from fucking like Snoop Dogg's on it and shit. I saw the guy from fucking what's it called? Shark Tank is on it. That guy Dulé from that one show that's on that psych show is that's funny as shit. He's on i'm like, dude

People I respect around the shits I thought it was just for fucking brian callen and like the girl from real housewives or some shit But rich motherfuckers are on this shit. So i'm like dude give me racks if i don't make what he said i am i'm off cameo but i figured december's the good month dude because december is christmas and you could fucking gift this shit pass me some fucking racks dude pass me racks i'm gonna take that money i'm gonna double it i'm gonna keep doubling it until they kill me that's's what Tupac said, dude. Except he said the N word, can't. But yeah, dude, that's so fucking ill, man.

Collect the racks, dude. Collect the fucking racks. I put out a TikTok that said, why do fucking, oh, it was from the podcast the other day. Why do, why do people get so mad? I, or no, I said, why do people, why do construction workers start early? I thought it was a bit of comedy. Put it on TikTok. Didn't realize it was a TED talk.

Everyone's taking me to task. Saying, well, that's what real Americans do. Oh, well, fucking you, little rich boy. Why the fuck this and that? You don't know. Oh, well, that's what we can't do because we don't talk about bullshit, unfunny things for an hour a week. Okay, dude, fine. Whatever.

I guess I give up. Guess I'll die. Like that meme? It's like, what do you want from me? I'm a fucking comedian. It's like walking up to a construction worker after he built a house and say, well, we're, this is not a, this is not a building. And they're going to say, no, it's a house.

And I go, fuck that. Dude, it's just comedy. That's what it's supposed to be. You're taking it seriously. That's like me calling your house a building. be you're taking it seriously that's like me calling your house a building now that's just a fucking uh what do you call them uh not simile but fucking what do you call them comparison what do you call them analogy now that's just an analogy for that ass you know i took down my gabapentins because I started forgetting fucking words like spider.

And I'm just like, all right, dude, I got to take, I take three before bed. I took it down to two. And last night I took one because dude, I don't like having restless leg syndrome and sure gabapentins kind of help with that, but I'd rather remember the word spider than have fucking rest than not have restless leg syndrome. I have a fucking podcast for Christ's sake. Stayed up till four, four in the morning last night with my restless leg syndrome. I have a fucking podcast for Christ's sake. Stayed up till four, four in the morning last night with my restless leg syndrome, couldn't fall asleep. And then I fucking gave up

and I, and I fucking busted. I busted and then I fucking passed right out, dude. What's up, body? Busting helps, man. And I want you to know, I'm not saying that to be fucking weird

or creepy or silly, but busting helps that RLS, dude. Fuck, that's like that one YouTube video. These ribs really do be bussing. You ever see that shit? Oh my God, dude. Have you seen it? Oh my God, really do be bussing.

I got to watch that right now. Really? What the fuck is it? What are they eating? Ah, fuck. Where is the YouTube video? Here we go. No, that's the McDonald's Sprite one.

Dude, I got to find this shit. Can you find the video? Ribs? It's ribs, right? Wow. I just keep talking, huh? Even if I don't, even if I don't, I just fucking don't stop talking, huh? I get it now. Kristen says sometimes I'm annoying. I get it. Right now is what I get it. Is it on YouTube? Wow. I just keep talking, dude. Unbelievable. I mean, I don't even need to be saying these things right now. And I just keep fucking talking You found it or no? Here we go Oh the handshake It's the handshake is what he does Hand shake

Is it ribs though that they're eating? I can't believe there hasn't been one second that I haven't been talking Alright here we go What's the handshake? Why can't I find it dude? Most like Would it be most like? Wow

If you haven't turned off this podcast by this point I don't get it I sincerely I sincerely That's a new word You know what podcast by this point, I don't get it. I sincerely, I sincerely, that's a new word. You know what I'm trying to say. I don't get it. Oh, here's a go. Filters, filters, upload, count, view count.

Here we go. No, there's nothing in there. Did you find it? Why can't I find it? I'm pissed. Here we go. It's in this one. Oh, I found it.

He needs some milk. Wow. You know. Here it go. It's in this one Wow, you know Here it is man this is Beauty sticks his finger in his mouth Why just fucking violated the guys and man this should be bussin bro. Just a mess with fucking to the guys man this should be bussing bro just a mess with fucking barbecue sauce all over their face and ranch on his face man this should be bussing bro anyway bussing helps rls is what i was trying to say uh and i want people to know because i googled it does it really help and uh there was only one article in cosmopolitan in like 2012 about it.

And I'm a doctor basically. Cause I figured out fucking Bustin helps RLS and people have RLS out there. They tell me about it. They're like, Oh dude, I have RLS. And that's no, that's no joke.

I really did try Bustin. And I'm just like, bro, what am I a fucking, who am I? Dr. Fauci. I'm basically Dr.

Fauci. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is I'm trying to fucking stack racks. Trying to fucking get past some racks. So, um, oh, what I want, dude, my, I call, I called my dad on the last podcast. At the end of the last podcast, I called my dad to clear up some shit. Cause I thought maybe he had dementia or something, you know, dementia kind of runs in our family. And so does I feel like getting it, but then

I, I feel like I have it, but then I realized, oh shit, it's probably just guys had too many gabapentins. But, um, my dad literally fucking dude, we get to, so he, my dad says, Hey, show up to Thanksgiving three 30 or no, he says, oh, can we do it at two? And I say, Hey dad, you're forgetting you've

got a grandpa. And what you're forgetting, you're a grandpa. And what that means is you have a grandchild. And what that means is he naps. And what that means is you're not paying attention because his bedtime is always, or his nap time is always at two. And what that means is he sleeps till four. So what that means is we can't come as two because that's when his nap starts. So let's do some thinking, right? So he says, well, can you maybe come at three 30? And so what that means is I now have to have Calvin go to sleep a little bit earlier. But what that means is it's a holiday.

So it's all good. And so what that means is I just relax and I'm just like, okay, we could do that. If he doesn't fall asleep, he doesn't fall asleep. He could burn through a nap. He's burned through naps before and he's fine. And I, I liked it. Like, you know, I like to like be good with my family and like, I'm trying to acquiesce. Do you know what I mean?

So, so we wake up and we get over there and we make it by three 30. And in my dad's text, he says, we'll eat at three 30. And I say, cool. We get there at three 30. Nothing's ready. It's okay. It's, we'll eat at 3.30. And I say, cool. We get there at 3.30. Nothing's ready. It's okay. It's okay because nothing's ever on time. I just accept that.

Nothing is ever on time, right? People say, yeah, I'll be there at 3. They show up at 3.05. And just that's how the world works, okay? Remember in school? Remember in school when they were like, hey, you know, if you're late, you get fucking detention or demerits or whatever it is, or it affects your grade.

And this is, and this is, uh, and this is to prep you in life because when you're late for your job, you get fired and you're, and then you grow up and you're like, fucking no, I don't dude who people have been late for work for like 30 minutes and people like, don't do it again, dude. It's fine. If you're in high school right now and you're late, it doesn't fucking matter. Show up 15 minutes late. What the fuck are they going to do? Anyway, that's just some secret shit I'm telling you right now. Um, but so I show up at three 30, it's not ready. It's all good. You know, even I was probably late.

I was probably three 35, three 45. I met even showed up at fucking 350 and the turkey wasn't ready and that's okay right my dad uh it gets to be like 4 30 and i say you know me and my brother like what the fuck you know we're starting to i can't imagine what it sounded like to my dad like fucking fuck fucking my mom fucking what are you talking and we say to mom say what's going on with the food he said 330 right and she said yeah he wanted you to be here by 3.30. I said, well, he technically said he wanted us to eat at 3.30. And I knew you were going to say this. So I checked earlier to make sure that that was what he said.

And he said, we're just going to eat at 3.30. And he says, yeah, but you don't even want to know what happened. I said, well, what the fuck happened? And she starts laughing. And I'm like, what? And she says, yeah, he left the crock pot in the oven and he preheated the crock pot. And I was like, what? And she says, yeah, he left the crock pot in the oven and he preheated the crock pot. And I was like, huh? And she said, he, he, he keeps the crock pot in the oven for storage.

And he preheated the oven with the crock pot in it. And left it in there and fucking just went to watch TV. He was like, got to preheat the oven. Didn't realize he was regular heat in the crock pot. Went to go. And so I walked over to dad and I was like, dad, and what happened? And he said, guy fucking, I didn't know. I, I put the crock that I keep the crock pot in the crock pot in the oven.

And I, I forgot, I keep it in there. And I started the fucking thing to preheat it. And then I realized it like, you know, 30 minutes later, I was like 30 minutes later. How did you realize this? And he's, he's the whole house smelled like fucking plastic. And I was like, really, where were you? And he was like, I was watching TV in the TV room. TV room is clear across the house. So that means that the fucking plastic on the

crock pot went over like smoke tickling Donald Duck's nose while my dad was watching fucking combat or whatever the bullshit show that aired in 1948 that he's watching on fucking the movie channel or whatever the fuck, you know? And it's just the crock pot plastic is just doing this under his fucking 73-year-old nose. And he gets up and it was all melted. So he fucking took the, he had to wait for the crock pot to cool down, take it out. And now he can't use that oven. They got two ovens.

So now he's cooking everything in the one oven and so we end up eating at like five and one of the people in the fucking thanksgiving had to leave so they didn't even eat and my dad was so fucking mad dude and when my dad's mad he just goes god damn it like that's what he does dude because god damn it so they left and they're like, here it is. I hope it's good. I don't know if it's good. I only had one oven. I planned for two ovens. I only, I left the fucking crock pot in the thing, dude. And we fucking ate it. And everyone's like, wow, this is amazing. Wow. This is really good. And he's like, oh good. I was worried. And let me tell you something, dude, it wasn't that good. Okay. And I'm coming clean with

you guys because I respect you. All right. dry. Now, here's the other thing. Turkey is kind of always dry. That's why you have the gravy. That's why you have the gravy. I'm not even a gravy guy, but I use gravy on Thanksgiving because turkey is usually dry. It's really hard to cook turkey. And I know that because people tell me, people close to me tell me, I don't know that because I cook because because I don't cook, because I fucking hate cooking.

But I trust some people. And those people tell me cooking turkey is very hard. And that's why you have the gravy. All right. So I poured that gravy on there and I still tasted dried turkey. And I drove home and on the way home, I was like, Hey dude, now can we talk about it? The turkey wasn't good. And people were like, Oh, I thought it was really good. And I was like hey dude now can we talk about it the turkey wasn't good and people were like oh i thought it was really good and i was like are you fucking actually serious right now and they were like yeah i was like you really telling me that that turkey be busting and they were like the turkey be busting and i was like okay i guess i'm wrong dude i guess i'm wrong but dude the fact that my dad cooked the crock pot for 30 minutes and ruined the oven And has to get a new crock pot. And ruin turkey.

Amazing. With one click of the fucking wrist, dude. Yeah, let me preheat it. And I said to him, I was like, dad, don't you get. Like when you put the crock pot in the thing, didn't you think. Like you have to specifically think. Like I thought, okay, Chris, your store., this is what I would do if I was doing the thing.

If I was going to keep something in the oven, I would think, okay, Chris, this is your time to remind yourself right now that you're storing the crock pot in the oven. Next time you preheat the oven, you must remember this. And I said, dad, didn't you think this? And he's like well i don't know yeah i guess and i'm like no no dude no i'm talking about specifically saying to yourself you might even want to say it out loud okay bill i'm putting the crock pot in this fucking oven and he's like i don't know you know he didn do that. So he cooked a fucking crock pot.

It's honestly irresponsible, dude. It's also irresponsible to put the crock pot in there knowing the next time that you're going to use the oven is probably on Thanksgiving. Like, when did he put it in there? October? Dude, that's too late already. When did he put that? He probably put that in there in November.

Right? It's not like he's sitting there not using the oven since, it was February, okay, but it wasn't. So now I'm like, dude, my dad's 73 between that and just scooping last episode. I talked about how he just scooped up pasta thinking it was his. I'm like, dude, is my dad going to die in fucking two years? Does he have just dementia? But it turns out, dude, you know what he is? Just a regular dad. That's what he is. He's just a regular dad. Like I am. Dude, I'm such a dad right now that I have officially crossed the point to where not only do I know if a viral video is fake

or not, but I don't care. Do you understand? People be like, dude, that's fake, bro. They got you. And I go, ah, it's still funny. That's how much of a dad I am. That's how much like what people try people. I was married once before, uh, when I was 26 and people asked me, uh, how's marriage. And here's the definition of marriage. here's the definition of marriage here's the definition of being married okay when your wife decorates the apartment not how you want and you realize you don't not want that you don't care you don't care, oh man, she got it decorated all, like, like, they come over my fucking apartment, they'd be like, dude, what's this fucking wind, she, my, my ex-wife hung a, hung a window on a, on a wall, like, a fucking, put a framed window

on a wall, like, it was like art, and people, guys would come over, they'd be like, what the fuck is this, a window on a wall, and I'd be like, ah, you pussy, you're're married and you fucking, she's got you putting windows on walls. It's not, you can't even open it. That's just on a wall. And I would be like, dude, you can't imagine the level. I don't care. She could put a window in the bed. I don't give a fuck. That's what it's like being married. And this is what it's like being a dad. These viral videos, they got me. And I don't care. Motherfuckers are out there pretending to saw their nuts off. And I'm going, oh, that looks like it hurts.

And they're like, haha, they got you. They still got nuts. And I go, oh, man, looks crazy. I just don't care. I'm dad mock 10, dude. My son says, no dada. It's cute as shit. No dada. I go to hug him. He says, no, dada. He's already got a personality. I'm fucked. I'm like, dude, I just want to hug.

I want to kiss your cheek, dude. You're my son. I made you. No, dada. Already? I'm like, already? You're this person? For fuck's sake, dude.

No, dada. And now I got to be like, well, shit, man. That shit carries with you. I got to let the kid do what he wants to, to a point, right? You know what I'm saying? So you can't just be fucking kissing all on your kid's face and shit. I don't know if he's saying no, dada. So I don't know, man.

But you also got to find the balance. Like you wanted to play with fucking mommy's ID. You wanted to play with mommy's ID. And he's running around the house with mommy's ID. And I'm like, you can't do it. You're going to lose it. And he doesn't know. So I take the ID and I put it back on the Island. And he's just like, ah, mama, mama. He's great talking to the ID. And I'm like, buddy, you can't have it. You're going to lose it. You don't have the capacity yet

to understand that you're going to lose this. And mom's not going to be able to drive. And I'm saying all this shit to a one and a half year old. And he's just like, no, dad, no, dad. I'm like, I can't win. What am I doing? Is this how he's learning to talk or already arguing? And he's just straight up winning with fucking, not even with two words. And one of the words repeats, it's dada. That's not even fair. He's saying two syllables and absolutely icing the shit out of me.

It's crazy when you realize you're full dad. It's crazy. Um, you know, but I'm full dad and it's all good. And that's not the name of this episode, by the way. I know what everybody's thinking. Um, Oh dude, Virgil Abloh died. And's sad who knew man these guys get cancer they don't tell anyone i you know uh norm mcdonald nobody didn't tell anyone virgil abloh didn't tell anyone and fucking chadwick boseman didn't tell anyone they just up and died and they had a whole struggle nobody knew about it made me think like what what if I got cancer? Would I tell people, bro, I will be the loudest person. I would come out of the doctor excited to tell people I would wait to feel all of the sadness. And I would run out of the doctor and I'd be like, guess what world I've got two and a half years left. It's going to be on and fucking popping until i gotta lay in a gurney dude it is gonna

be so on and popping you get to know look in this past year and a half you got to know how i really feel if i get diagnosed dude if your boy is staring at a guy through a pair of his glasses and a white coat getting diagnosed. grabbing motherfuckers with my talent dude with the feet up dude like eagles like eagles do like the fucking dangerous ones the eagles that show their pussy you You know what I'm talking about? Their pussies and cocks when they're trying to get the fucking trout. That's me, dude. If a doctor sits there and diagnosis me with some fucking rare shit. Duck. Duck.

This is you. This is everybody around me if your boy gets diagnosed for real dude i'm serious business dude i come out on this podcast turns into motherfucking you know what it turns into for real i ain't got no motherfucking, you know what it turns into for real? That's what it turns into, dude. The doctor says, Mr. D'Elia, sit down. Yes, you have a rare form of heart cancer, and I just stand up.

Grab him by the lapel and i'm out dude but it's sad dude you know we lost a good one we lost i loved his fucking i thought off-white was one of the better was one of the best brands because honestly, some of this shit was, this is the best stuff in life. Some of this stuff is awesome. And some of this stuff, I'm just like, who the fucking shithole is going to wear that, right? Like the fact that, you know, Virgil Abloh was a good designer. I mean, many reasons, but the reason why, you know, he was a good designer i mean many reasons but the reason why you know he was a good designer is because what one of those fucking uh quavo or quavo whatever the fuck wore to his fucking thing the guy had a purple top hat on i don't know which one he is of the fucking group

what's that group called migos the three migos One of them wore a purple top hat and a fucking like pilgrim outfit. And I'm just like, God damn it. The fact that Virgil Abloh was able to make this guy wear this at his fucking, just without even saying to do it with just him through creating the fact that this dude from Migos showed up in that absolutely, you know, that gay pilgrim outfit, that fucking mad hatter. It's just so awesome that that's his, that's part of his legacy made one, whoever that Migo was the worst dress person I've ever seen in my life you know what i'm talking about like kid cuddy wore a green fuck neon all neon green dude people dressed like such assholes at his fucking thing that even like people from alice in wonderland would be like

shit let's go the other road like dude they just dressed with big sun. One guy was blindfolded, just feeling his way around like, dude, what, what the fuck? A guy showed up in a tux to the back and just walk backward. Like, what are these guys doing? One guy sawed his fucking legs off at the knees and just said, this is what fashion is now. It's just like Virgil Abloh had an effect on motherfuckers and that's cool right 41 that fucked me up man that fucked me up when i heard he died you know i didn't know him at all but like um yeah it fucked me up man because uh i'm 41 dude and i you know i don't mean to make it about me but it fucking made me weird all day, dude.

He's texting my brother and shit. And just like, it's just weird. A guy, somebody can be taken from you from in a moment, dude. And I didn't know he had kids. I didn't know he had a wife and kids, man. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's odd that even a fashion designer would have a wife and kids. Cause they're, you just assume they're gay.

I guess that's prejudice, but like, man, you know, fuck. Norm Macdonald, him and a fucking Chadwick Boseman. You know,

it's just like, fuck. I had a buddy die two weeks ago. I didn't talk about it on the podcast, but it's just like fuck i had a buddy die two weeks ago i didn't talk about on the podcast but it's just like it was rough man anyway i feel like these podcasts just get fucking sadder and sadder they don't though dude the world life dude life is pain life is beautiful and life is pain i feel you do it if you're going through a hard time if you lost a loved one i i fucking i want to be there for you i do i really really want to be there for you um but i got my own shit i'm dealing with you know like kristin

is like decorating for christmas even still she's not done yet i'm joking well i'm i'm joking that i'm saying that i'm not joking that she's not done dude. I'm joking. Well, I'm, I'm, I'm joking that I'm saying that I'm not joking that she's not done dude. We are Christmas tree on the upstairs. Dude. I put out a video on with Chris decorating, uh, unboxing decorations and we did the tree and that's just one of the trees, dude, we have more trees.

It's it's like, dude, there's a tree upstairs and it's so big and beautiful and she fucking killed it, dude. I didn't actually look at it until yesterday and I stepped back and i looked at it and i was like jesus christ this is gorgeous and she was so happy that i said that and i was happy too and it's nice dude she's like isn't it nice when you and i'm like yeah she's like do you think i do too much of it and i'm like of course but you know what i mean it's like all good if that's what makes you happy decorate the whole fucking thing dude put everything everywhere if it makes you happy wrap the house in fucking wall uh wrapping paper i don't wrap calvin who cares

wrap him the bed every night just waking up with fucking tear wrapping paper opening himself waking up every morning dude it's just like it makes her so happy it's so cool to have that people have that people don't have hobbies you know the fact that she has that hobby um so yeah so we put out fucking uh with uh the that on the with chris video and then we put a um another one on the with chris, the McRib one. And then I put out the making the pie with Calvin on the McRib one or not the McRib on the with Chris one.

Jesus Christ, got a penance. And so, yeah. What was I saying about that? I don't even remember, but dude, the tree looks fucking goddamn like Rockefeller.

I'll take it. I'll have her take a picture and put it on her Instagram. Fuck, fuck that. So she was like, well, let's do another one for video i'm like dude i'm what am i a christmas guy was my whole brand changing so i had to fucking shoot guns with brian callan on my last with with chris uh we went to that taryn uh taryn tactical place um i'll talk about it more next time because we actually didn't do it yet, but I'm saying

we did it because this will come out after we release it. Anyway, that's a little fucking how you make the sauce here on the fucking congratulations podcast. I'm showing you the sauce. But anyway, do it. That's that. Let's do some misconnections. It's everybody's favorite segment, Miss Connections.

Oh, good. And it's a good thing I always do it at the end when my contacts are blurry. Yes, love when my contacts are blurry, dude. Here we go. I mean, this one's called Foul Move. And it's in parentheses, palms. palms fuck my contacts are blurry as shit um it says tap the photo twice i got it right here do it and i can zoom in zoom in and zoom in like the guy from fucking what's his name from CNN, and you zoom in, and you zoom into the county.

Foul move, palms. Good luck in New York. Mind the cold. R. Hey, guy. What is this, your diary? What the fuck? Did this guy mean to send a text message?

I mean, who's checking this for this? This guy's using it as a fucking texting app. Wow. Here's another one. Wow. Okay. Uh, you used to tutor me. Oh, this'll be good. Irvine.

Dude, I used to fuck man when I was two. I hated getting tutored when I was a kid. Hated getting tutored when I was a kid. I had a really good looking tutor too. She was really fucking beautiful. And, um, so let's see where this goes. Uh, used to, you used to tutor me, Irvine. You were an older woman. Well, no shit. You know, if she tutored you, she was older. I lost your contact. I wonder if it was my tutor. Look, did I write this? Looking for you or someone that can tutor me.

I mean, dude, you know, gave up two sentences in. Just like to be taught, really. It gives me boners. Looking, dude, how does he? You were an older woman. I lost your contact. Looking for you or someone that can tutor me. Hoping to find my lost tutor.

Hey, guy, stop saying tutor would be the worst fucking you know sometimes you send a text and you realize you said a word too many times you got to go delete it and fucking either not use it or use a different word i fucking i had a text like that where i was saying it too many times a word too many times and i i went to go i was like i gotta delete this i sound like a fucking lunatic that doesn't know any words. And I said, fuck it. And I just sent it. That's the kind of real shit that you get from me, dude. If you're a text friend with friend with me, that's the kind of real shit that you get from fucking daddy. I'll tell you that much. All right, dude, here's another one. I don't fix my text. Not sometimes I send a text out and then I fucking, I know it's

wrong and I send it wrong knowing it's wrong. And then I send a follow-up text not fixing it. And I have it shortcutted in my phone. N-F-I for not fixing it. And I just hit the space bar. It says not fixing it. I send that too. And that's the kind of motherfucker I am, dude. And that's the disrespectful respect I show to my friends if we're text friends.

I'm a real person here's another one want to help oh c double entendre well i love the fucking first line of the body on this one the the title is want to help with your. As if that's not good enough, he starts out saying quite simple. That's the first line of the body, quite simple. First of all, was already simple. If you don't get that double entendre, your IQ is 40. Okay? He says after that, looking for someone I could take care of your wood. Now I know why you said quite simple, because you thought smart people wouldn't get it because you're dumb. And we know that now because of the sentence that you wrote.

That reads. Looking for someone I could take care of your wood. So fucking foreign. That's like the guy at the gas station. That would ask you if you want fucking your. Looking for someone I could take care of your wood. Mail for mail. Send pic for reply.

Do not contact me on solicited services or offers wow these are fucking banging right now here's another one dude taco what taco is that what it says my contacts are so fucking blurry con taco nazo la abra california we used to what used to be at this location before taco not hey man google it hey man this is miss connections google it what connection are you missing google.com meet up with it in your browser. Just write in your browser what you're writing in now on Craigslist Missed Connections.

Hey, guy. Be less sad. Oh, and then it says, it's okay to contact us, post or with services or other commercial interests. Like a guy would be, oh, dude, I actually have no idea

about the Taco Nazo thing, but want me to take care of your wood? Quite simple. Want me to take, dude, quite simple. Don't know. The wood guy hits him up. Quite simple. I have no idea about the taco Nazo thing, but want me to take care of your wood? Quite simple. Here we go. Ooh, this is a good one. Just simply the title is panthose, and it was in Irvine. Why women abandon wearing nylon pantyhose and stockings? What else can be sexier than women's legs in pantyhose? Just a thought. Oh, so lonely hey guy go outside more hey guy go find a table on an

outdoor patio somewhere and just sit down for an hour your whole life will turn around out. This guy's on Miss Connections, dude, just asking a question like he's talking to one of his bros. Hey, even though it says do not contact this dude with unsolicited services

or offers, do him a favor. Contact him with something unsolicited. Needs friends. Unbelievableeds friends. Unbelievable, dude. Here's another one. Beige gym pants, Costa Mesa. It's the man in black.

I want to smell your hair. I am ready to give you all my money. Creepy. Just for smelling hair? Nice. Nice. Beige gym pants. Oh, that's like when chicks wear beige pants at the gym. And for a second, you're like, did she show up naked? Like that's how idiots guys are. That's how much of an idiot we are. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Did she just wear a turquoise shirt and that's it? With fucking Nikes on? Oh, wow. Here's a long one. We'll go out with this one.

Nice smile, thanks. Wow, really? Just no punctuation. Just cut into the chase with too many. It's hard to cut to the chase with that many words, but he did it. Whole Foods, Redondo Beach, no bra, nice smile, thanks, Redondo Beach. Cut to the chase, alas, with too many words. First subject of the body is Whole Foods Redondo Beach. It says, I was at Whole Foods PCH.

Me, old, 51 years, 6 foot. Bald, jeans, gray hoodie, average in looks. Hey, guy, I like that you're being real, but have a little bit of confidence. Cross paths a few times with pretty tallish female. Does that mean she's pretty and tall or pretty tall? Well, he is a bad, he is, he is bad at writing. So it could be either dress with thin white top showing off no bra look. That's the fucking hilarious thing is like this dude thinks that this girl was showing off and this girl was probably just throwing on a top to go to fucking whole foods and get some goddamn cauliflower

i'll tell you what she didn't want fucking eggplants wish this was on standby because it would have been good to hell yes that's the guy thinking she wanted eggplants. Wow. That fucking absolutely kills me. That thing, the way he fucking laughed so heartily. Um, each time. Nice smile. He says like, doesn't even fucking use articles in this. The or a each time. Nice smile.

And I think she knew I enjoyed who you're talking to her or people. Is this a poem? And each, and I think she knew I enjoyed the view. Even if this woman is reading this thinking, oh, maybe this is me. She starts reading and she gets wrapped up in the story at this point. Ooh, okay, who's this woman?

Oh, this guy, wow. Oh, and then the last one is nice bouncy. Ah, dude, he just says, hey, dude, imagine walking up to a chick and just saying, my God, I'm'm sorry but i just have to compliment your bouncy have a nice day nice bouncy have a nice day i love the way you're showing off with that note with that with the no bra look uh then it says in cap which is the only thing caps. Thanks. Wish that would happen to us.

Oh, me. Wow. I'm really blurry here. Wish that would happen to me more often. Sad. Like this woman, like this woman with, by the way, a really nice bouncy is going to just fucking go back and fucking, you know what I mean? Let them meet me. You know, she's reading this. Let me meet you halfway. I got a him Meet me you know she's reading this Let me meet you halfway I got a nice bouncy I know it

Let me show off with the no bra lock And just chill at the Whole Foods and see if this bald Average looking guy comes along Oh and here we go any others wish to show off To me I wish So sad to say I wish on Craigslist That's unbelievably Sad I wish

You know you hang out with your Buddies and you say like oh god Craigslist. That's unbelievably sad. I wish. You know you hang out with your buddies and you say like, oh, God. One time we fucking, I was at a sleep over when I was a kid with a bunch of other kids and I remember I felt, I still think about this, dude. I was like, man, I was young and like, I wasn't like the hot guy

yet. Your boy fucking started dripping With charisma and used it to up his sexy Levels but At this point I had just moved from New Jersey And I was really dorky And I had a step haircut and I looked like A Q-tip that had no bottom

We all slept on the Trampoline at a sleepover at my friend's House And they were talking about Chris why don't you get a chick You know you don't get house and they were talking about chris why don't you get a chick you know you don't get a chick and i said he's like why don't you go for her and i thought she was cute and i said and i didn't even mean to sound like this but i said why would a girl like that be an be interested in a guy like me and i was like hold up dude what am i in a fucking what is this foot like what fucking after school special i didn't mean to say it like

that and then i felt the fucking trampoline bouncing. Like the guys were sitting up like, what the fuck are you saying? I was like, I don't know. I didn't really mean it like that, but I always think about that. And that's the only thing sadder than this guy saying, I wish at the end of his fucking misconnection. A lot of these guys need to be contacted with unsolicited services and offers. But anyway, that's the episode of congratulations. We really appreciate you. Thanks for listening.

We love if you're on the Patreon and if you're not, we love that you're on YouTube. Remember to make friends in those comments. And dude, don't go so hard. Maybe sometimes go medium and stay out, but make sure to make friends in those comments now below. You see people be a nice friend up with them. You see people talking shit. They need them more. And just say, would you like to go to Arby's? Or I've got fresh fucking meats.

Why don't you come on over? I live in Akron, Ohio. Really appreciate you going over to chrysalia.com. Get that merch. The Life Ribs mug is in full effect in the Worldwide Life. Ah, fuck it. Just go to chry to crystal. Yeah. Dot com. Get that merch. The life ribs mug is in full effect in the worldwide light worldwide life. Ah, fuck it. Just go to crystal.

Yeah. Dot com. All right, guys, that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want, go catch the unappetite. I'm peppered.

Hey guys, that's it for the YouTube. Hey guys, that's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to check out the rest of the episode, the uncut unfiltered. I, the uncut, unfiltered. I mean, this wasn't unfiltered. Fucking God damn it.

Hey, guys, that's the end of the episode on YouTube. But if you want to catch the rest of the episode, the uncut episode on Patreon, go over to patreon.com. It is longer. No ads. No commercials. Uncut. Go on over, and it's just for six bucks and we have an episode extra on the patreon uh once a month we've got like 10 episodes now if you sign up

today you get access to those episodes right now and we also do a segment called review mode that is an extra it's content just extra content all day long. Six bucks, you get all that. Patreon.com. Go on over. Thanks. Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations, motherfucker! Congratulations, motherfucking fuck! You scared the fuck out of me! You motherfucker! I'm so blurry right now.