Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 23. What a China!

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

It is the 23rd episode! Thank you to everybody who watched Man On Fire on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it yet, put it in your queue and watch it. On today's show, Chris discusses his favorite cab ride of all time. Also discussed: the NBA awards, and UH OH! we introduce a new segment on the show! And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the real babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hello, babies. How are you? Listen, I just want to say before we get started with this episode A lot of you guys have been really, really great Who watch Man on Fire and tweeted and everything like that And sent me Instagram messages and all of that

Snapchats, watching the show Before we get started on the show I want to take a real moment and tell you That that shit honestly means the world to me And And thank you for that. It's really, really sweet that you guys show your support. And I know a lot of you guys have watched a few times. I know a lot of you guys have told your friends and make your friends watch it and you're turning your friends onto my comedy. And I I just I really appreciate it um and thank you for that and and so before I started the show I wanted to say that now let's get back to absolute silliness Okay, because all that stuff is very, very serious and very true. But you didn't watch it.

Hello, hello, welcome to Congratulations, the podcast. This is Jean-Claude Van Damme sitting in for Chris D'Elia. And I want to say thank you for... Hey, excuse me, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Yes? I'm back. Get out of here. Okay. So long. Sayonara, son of a bitch. What's up, babies?

That's a stupid way to start the show but uh you know chilling dude um so okay it's fucking fourth of july and that's in america now i know this podcast people listen to it in switzerland and shit like that and Germany. And they might be like, what the hell is 4th of July? But it's where America, the only thing it is, is where America watches fireworks. No, it's we celebrate our independence and people making an excuse to jump in a pool and eat hot dogs and get drunk and have unprotected sex probably and then say stuff like bro it's classic that's what the dudes do and then the girls go like this a lot probably ew um so it's fourth of july we're coming at you live uh but you know if you're listening to this it's not live because it's not it's 4th of July. We're coming at you live. But if you're listening to this, it's not live because it's not streaming. It's definitely, I'm doing it live. You understand?

coming up in Austin and Albuquerque. And then I am also going to be in Montreal. We call it Moncler. And also going to be in Utah. Look at my website. Going to be in North Carolina. Going to be in Australia. So check it out, babies. My special came out this week, about a week ago, and I'm so happy about it, man. I was a little nervous because I was not sure. I was a little nervous about it because it's a little bit different than what I've been doing. I definitely talk about myself a lot more and I definitely got personal in this hour. And I'm really happy I did that because, you know, trying to grow here, trying to fucking... Nope. I don't want to do the same thing over and over again. Drives me crazy.

Somebody said that's the definition of being insane is doing the same thing over and over and over again. Who the fuck was that? Some prolific guy, you know, some genius like Mark Twain or Albert Einstein or, um, a rod. So, uh, yeah. Um, and listen, man, I don't know what, man, I I've honestly been chilling in LA. The weather's been fucking beautiful. I got a little bit of a... So here's what happened. So I'm not really a hypochondriac, but... I went... I got to... I got to...

When I was in Florida, I got a burn on my shoulders. And now I have like all these fucking freckles and shit. And I'm nervous that a lot of them are cancer. So I tried to make an appointment with the skin doctor just to go over my shoulders. You know, I just want him to go over my shoulders. Just take a one-two peek over my shoulders and kind of be like, that one's not cancer. That one's not cancer. This one looks suspect.

Let's get it off. You know, let's get off of your shoulder. And so I'm going to go do that. And in the meantime, I want to be in the pool on 4th of July, but probably not gone. Maybe I'll just put some duct tape over my shoulder and then just be in the pool and shit like that. So, yeah. But, dude, I know I say this a lot lot i don't know why anyone doesn't live anywhere but la la the weather is beautiful and a lot of people say the people suck in la to those people

you brain dead you don't know how to you got serious problems you got issues you have bad childhood because there's plenty of people in la thereA. There's millions of people in L.A. You can't find six friends? You got walls up, okay? Hey, dude, people suck in L.A.? Got news for you. You're one of them peoples. It's really cool how I fucking hawked seven loogies since I started doing this show. I'm going to try to do that shit.

Oh, but my voice is back. My voice is back in town. My voice is back in town. My voice is back in town. It's better. It's fucking better, dude. I got it. I can hit high notes. You think I can hit high notes?

You don't think I can hit high notes? You want to know if I can? You do the math. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You do the math. oh shit oh shit you do them oh i'm happy i'm doing new material on stage um and it's the life my mom would always be like you live you got the life of riley don't know what that is, but I think it's good. I mean, I think it's good. It might not be good.

It might mean I fucking, I don't know who Riley is. I'm an idiot. But, um, yeah, I know our podcast numbers are going up and up and up because you keep tweeting about it. You guys,

my friends, you guys, you're not technically my friends because don't know a lot of you, but in a way you, you treat me better than friends. Now that's real sad, but it's also true. So that's why I'm telling you that we're in a cult. Okay. Now I'm the leader, but it's fine. It's cool. I'm not going to be like, you know, whipping you guys and making you kill yourselves or drink poison there'll be a little bit of manual labor eventually because i need to relax my job is really hard and you guys need to like treat me with some goddamn respect but it's not i'm not gonna like you know push it you know like i'm gonna be like build me a house but there's gonna

be like a thousand of you so it'll be easy it won't be like oh shit how the do the four of us do this right um it'll be like oh okay well you know we got some guys in construction in the cult and we're all babies so we can figure this shit out you know um i was at the comedy store the other day, and by the way, it was trending for LA on Twitter, the comedy store, which is crazy. It's really popping off, man. You got to go. Even if I'm not there, I know if you're a fan of mine, still got to go.

It's a great place. Support live comedy. Also, go support the Laugh Factory and go support the improv. There are three great clubs in Los Angeles, and live comedy is the shit. If you don't like live comedy, guess what you are? You're a chair. Okay? You don't like live comedy, you plant.

Maybe you're, you know what I mean? Like like you're not human can we all agree on that go laugh motherfuckers i understand you know sometimes you want to go out and you want to be social and you want to fucking guys want to get laid and girls want to get looked at do that after you go see comedy live comedy is the shit man you got motherfuckers killing out there on at the comedy store you got uh joey diaz joe rogan anthony jeselnik you got um um ali wong you got sebastian murderers um murderers people who are hard to follow people who are on stage and now i gotta go on after i'm like oh for fuck's sake but um yeah so uh what happened in this what happened this week in in in the news you? My buddy told me,

oh, wait, hold on a second. What's the fucking, I didn't look it up, actually, but I heard about it. The, the fucking, what was the Oscar,

the NBA Oscars or whatever? I didn't watch it. I should have fucking watched it. Drake host it? No. Dude, I have a, yo, I have a question though. Are you a a 120 page script written by paul haggis and directed by darren aronofsky and does fucking uh who's that guy sam rockwell and naomi watts star in you and are you released by sony

or are you kevin durant i that's the that's the simple question i have you You had the ESPYs. Now, this is the NBA Oscars or whatever the fuck they call it. I don't even know what they call it. But I've got a sincere question, okay? Are you a script by the guy who wrote Traffic? who wrote Traffic? And are you directed by fucking

David Lynch? And do you star Laura Flynn Boyle? And Sam Elliott? Are you a low budget movie that stars Sam Elliott and Laura Flynn Boyle? And are you about an aging alcoholic that's trying to reconnect with his high school sweetheart and have him, and she's trying to turn his life around? And are you shot beautifully?

And do you sweep at Sundance? Or are you Steph Curry? Because look, if you're that movie, then have an award. You Steph Curry, grab a basketball. Okay? If you're directed by Steven Spielberg, and if you're shot beautifully, then dude, then go get that award.

But are you... Are you fucking, are you Kevin Durant? Put some shorts on, grab a basketball and jump around. It's so obvious. They're just trying to fucking drive money into the sport. I don't like congratulating the fucking people who do,

um, their jobs. Like, look, if I got nominated for a fucking Emmy or an Oscar, best believe I would go, I'd throw all this fucking ideology out the window. But for the meantime,

look, it is a little uncomfortable though if honestly if i did ever if i did ever like having to i don't know i don't know how i would feel about it but i just feel weird like how everyone's patting each other on the back and shit like that and you know playing especially with basketball like it's an it's a sport just just make the money play the basketball game for the love of the game right hey for the love of the game for the love of the game for the love of the game and don't fucking get an award for best jump shot is that what it was was it like best jump shot or best fucking three point

best ending to best comeback? It was the one award. Is it 20 minutes? And it's like, here's the MVP player. I'm fucking tough curry. Drake. The fact, how much Drake likes basketball is like, hey, Drake, you rapper? Or you're just going to be a fucking commentator?

Are you a color analysis? You're a basketball, or are you a fucking rapper? I don't like when people like switch careers and shit like that like do that kind of shit like how it's like there used to be a fucking thing when you'd get into the uh new york cabs and you'd close the door and then the the fair would start and it would be like i'm paul sorvino who's an actor who and he would be like, singer, dancer, actor, writer, chef, New Yorker. And I would be like, chef? Bye. Oh, you're a fucking actor.

You're an actor. You cook? You're an actor that cooks. Are you a chef? No. Do you have a five-star restaurant? No. So be an actor.

Singer, dancer, writer, chef, New Yorker. Bye. What-star restaurant? No. So be an actor. Singer. Dancer. Writer. Chef. New Yorker. Buy. What doesn't match? Chef. That's like me saying, I'm a fucking architect because I looked at a house. Or I told somebody, this wall's weird.

You know, you cook. Here's the other thing, too. You work at a restaurant. If you're an actor and you work at a restaurant and you do, you are a chef, don't call yourself a chef. You know nobody's going to fucking take you seriously. You know nobody's going to, does anybody remember that? Does anybody in New York remember those cab rides? Tweet me if you have. Actor, singer, dancer, chef, New Yorker.

That's what it was. Actor, singer, dancer, chef, New Yorker. Those are the five things. And when I got in the cab every time the first time i was like oh i literally went ah while they go all the cab and the guy was dude one time i was in a cab in new york and oh man my producer thinks this is just so funny by the way my producer is in the other room taking a phone call for something else he's not with me right now doing my fucking podcast he's it he's here in another room taking a phone call about something else now one fire him but not gonna ridiculous he fucking makes a percentage of what the fuck i do

he's in the other room taking a phone call one fire him not gonna because i'm good purse but come on dude it's free country but do it's free country but do your job show up so um so fucking uh i'm in a cab in new york i think i'm like 19 it was when I went to college for one for eight months at NYU dropped out. Parents were upset for about a few months, started my career and stand up a few years later. The rest is history. I love it. How about when people say the rest is history, but it's amazing if people were to ever say the rest is history about themselves, that would be amazing. I want to be friends with somebody who would literally look me in the eye and be like and then i went here and then i did that and the rest is history i would take out my dick piss all

over the closest table whatever the fuck was wherever if we were at a fucking restaurant right there stand up take my dick out piss all over the table and he'd be like what the fuck you doing i'd be like i don't know what else to do at this point okay um if we were at a fucking ikea i'd go over wherever the table they're selling i piss all over the table if we were in the forest i'd be like i gotta leave get in my car wherever i saw a fucking outdoor picnic table i piss all over the table the rest is history um and they'd be like what are are you doing? I'd be like, I don't know, but after this, the rest is history. So I'm in a cab, and we get to a stoplight. I don't remember where I'm going.

I do remember where I was, though. I was right, I was like on, I was uh, I was in not Soho, but like, I was on like right there. Like we're Huston. Is it Huston? Huston. Yeah. Houston, Houston. That's it. I'm a fucking idiot, dude. It's been so long since I've been there. Houston. Um, it looks like Houston street, right? Fucking idiot. I'm from New Jersey. I don't know the fucking streets in New York. All right. So, and I'm with the cab driver and he was foreign.

You either get a cab driver who's super foreign or so from New York that like he was born in a cab. And like the first thing they gave him was pizza or fucking manicotti manicotta manicotti i don't know anyway um like you went and they were like here's a pizza the fuck out of here and they rolled the baby down fucking down a street in queens and it hit like a fucking handball and it stopped at a handball court and then that that that's how new york the guy is like the baby came out and the mom goes like this Down a street in Queens. And it hit like a fucking handball. And it stopped at a handball court. And then that's how New York the guy is. Like the baby came out.

And the mom goes like this. Hey, forget about it. Like in that man voice. She was like, forget about it. And threw him a fucking pizza and some cigarettes. And just rolled the baby down a fucking street in Queens to a fucking handball court. And then the baby grew up. And then was like, guess I'm going to be a fucking kid in there. Or it's like some super Indian guy. fucking handball court. And then the baby grew up and then was like, guess I'm gonna be a fucking Gabby now. Um,

or it's like some super Indian guy or like, you know, somebody from the middle East. And this was a guy, I think he was from the middle East. Uh, and, and I,

the only reason why I'm not sure is cause white bread racist. I have no idea. So, um, so we're stopping, And the only reason why I'm not sure is because I'm white bread racist. I have no idea. So we stop at the intersection, and this youngish lady walks by. I would say, I don't know, maybe she's 30. And she's walking by, and she's, you know, fairly attractive, I guess. She's, you know, I don't really remember. I didn't check her out.

I just clocked her. Like, I was like, oh, there's a lady crossing the street. So that's how you could imagine that she was, like, kind of fine looking, right? Long, dark hair, definitely Asian. And the cabbie looks at her and like, I can feel him like he's going to open his mouth to me. I can feel like he's going to talk to me. And he, but he's, and I could see how he's going to say,

check, talking about her. He's going to look at me and talk about her. So he kind of like throws a sentence over his shoulder to me. And he goes, and he says about the girl, what a China. Uh, a racist dude. It was so funny.

I went, I went, I, yeah, I guess, man. What a China. He says, what a China.

What a China. Hey man, at least try to make the sentence is real this guy what a china in a cab looking at an asian girl she was not chinese i'm sure what a china to we to me to some white guy i loved that he was like trying to like bro with me though. That's like my favorite. When a guy like, like there was one time, like when you're at a coffee shop and this really slamming chick walks in and like the dudes who are strangers in the coffee shop

all look at each other and they're like, hey, that's an awesome moment as a guy. That's an awesome moment as a guy that's an awesome moment as a guy it's like hey we're all in this together there's a beautiful woman i don't know you but you guys you gotta respect the game that's a fucking great moment so i loved that this guy was doing it but don't say what a china i mean that's like so funny i don't know i wonder if like because you know you know how you never really know how a foreign person like feels because they're foreign or you never know like what their intentions are right like a fucking russian guy could come up to you and be like

i would rape yeah and you're like oh well no what what but he set it up beat you know like what do you mean like a like a like role-playing if the girl's into it i guess if you have a safe world safe word i would rape right and you're like oh i i don't are you asking me i would put a peanut butter in eyes if you for you and you like, uh, no, I don't think so. But, you know, maybe you, you know. I wonder if afterwards he was like, what a China. And then afterwards he was like,

I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have said that. Or if he was like, we brought out. We brought out. He was probably like, I brought out with an American. It's all fucking good. I loved it though. I fucking loved the moment. But it was so funny. Hey, what a China.

What a China? You see a fucking New York girl? What a Brooklyn. You see a fucking... A girl from fucking Canada. What a Manitoba. Look, if you're choosing a ride-sharing company to drive for, go with the company that treats you better.

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Limited time only. Terms apply. What a Lyft. Do you know what I mean? Then you could do it. You could drive it. You don't even have to take that cab anymore that I took. Nobody's going to say what a China in Lyft for sure.

more that I took nobody's gonna say what a China in lift for sure um so it is time for a segment I like to call the most fucked up Instagram post of the week all right and I don't know if I should give the people's names out on Instagram I probably won't because that's probably I don't want people to fucking give the people's names out on Instagram. I probably won't because that's probably, I don't want people to fucking, because I like retweeted something that somebody said negatively about me today, and like people are posting their home address now. Hey guys, you don't have to do that, okay? I kind of just retweeted it as a joke.

This, so there's a picture of a guy in his Rolls Royce SUV, uh, which whatever, that's fine. I mean, I guess it could be douchey, but you know, everyone takes pictures in their car. So whatever he's wearing a tank top. Oh, oh, oh, okay. So that just kind of amplified the douchiness, but whatever. Sometimes people just wear tank tops, okay? He's got on sunglasses, which, you know, it's the daytime, so okay.

He's got on a watch, which is fine, but he's also got on a bracelet. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Okay, now we're upping the douche factor a little bit. Now, he's got gel in his hair now uh-oh because i'm checking my phone hold on let me check the date on my phone uh okay so it's july 2017 right yeah okay i thought for a second my phone... So my phone's not broken, right? No, okay.

Okay, so it's not 1992. Okay. So, uh-oh. Okay, so uh-oh. All right, guy's got a tank top on, and he's got a bracelet on, and he's got gel in his hair. But I just took my phone and it's 2017. So, uh-oh. Okay.

Now, I look at the caption, because this guy, now he's flexing his tricep. Now, uh-oh, okay? Now it's just a straight-up uh-oh. Now that's fine separately, but you got the Voltron uh-oh, all right? You got the, he's forming the head and the head has gel on it. Now, uh-oh. Now, I flustered my sentences because BRM, right? Now, let's just read the caption, okay?

First of all, it begins with, what do you call those dot, dot, dot ellipses? Uh-oh, all right? Because that means something dramatic is coming. When the picture shouldn't be that dramatic so the sentence should start with uh-oh but it doesn't it starts with the ellipses okay now the first word of the sentence after the ellipses is we now uh-oh okay now this guy's going to start telling us stuff about all of us now uh-oh because it's a picture of just him flexing with a tank top on big dita sunglasses gel and rolls royce while he's flexing now uh-oh

did i slip and fall because it feels like uh-oh am i on my way to cracking my skull open? Because uh-oh. Or am I just looking at Instagram? Okay? Here's the sentence after the ellipses and the sentence that starts with we. We are all a little broken. Now, uh-oh. But the sentence isn't over, which alarms me. It's like I'm on my way down. It's like I slipped and I'm at the point where I know there's no way I can regain my balance.

And I'm thinking, oh shit. So the uh-oh is kind of turning to, how do I live past this moment? I need to get through it. Now you're during, we're in the sentence here. We're already in. We're involved. We are all a little broken. But the last time I checked, broken crayons still color the same. It's not over.

There's a space. Now, I know what you're thinking. Now, right now, you're at the point where you feel the ground. You feel it. You're hitting the ground. You feel it. You're hitting the ground. And the only thing you're trying to do is guard, make sure your head doesn't hit the fucking sidewalk, right? You're like, this is going to be fucked up. I'm going to get scrapes. And my arm's going to hurt.

But I fucking hope my head is fine. Now here's what the rest of the post is. He says, what consumes your mind controls your life. Then he puts a fucking circular star emoji. I've never even seen that one. Feed your focus and starve your distractions. Now, plain and simple. Oh, because this is the moment where you slipped and fell. You hit your body and you thought your head was going to be okay.

But what happened was your head hit a higher part of the concrete. And you didn't know it was there. Like you hit the curb. And your head is going to be so bruised. And you pissed and shit yourself because of it. Uh-oh. Hey, guy. Back up a second

get sleeves stop flexing take off the sunglasses mess your hair up get a new car take off your bracelet and stop typing on instagram after you post a picture of it all uh oh be safer we don't need to it all. Uh-oh. Be safer. We don't need to be in fucking uh-oh territory. And the guy's pursing his lips. Bye. Good gunk. Dude, excuse me.

Back up. Hey, dude, you know what, man? How about this? Get in your car. Stay in your car. Now, let me close the door on you. Good gunk. See you later. Bye-bye. i'm watching him go i'm watching

him drive down sweet sir and then there's people commenting with a fucking uh bicep emojis and the 100 emojis can we stop posting the 100 emojis dude on fucking motherfuckers i want an emoji of a guy that has his fucking hand over his face and his eyes wide and and that's the uh-oh emoji i want you to find these fucking posts i want you to find this post i'm not saying the guy's name because i don't need the fucking but just post up just uh-oh just write uh-oh on these motherfuckers okay this is the that was the segment most fucked up instagram post all week and i'm gonna keep doing these because these guys dude go gunk man you cuda get out of here dude it's free conch post whatever you want but you cuda these people act like they don't have jobs and shit well maybe they don't

but like you people that you're going to go to work and you're going to see these motherfuckers so that's a segment we're going to do and you know if you find them tag me you know could be a guy or a girl uh and uh that'll be your submission. Just tag me on these fucking, on these most fucked up Instagram posts all week. I, because they make me laugh in all honesty. I just want to do shit

that I want to do. And that's, dude, I'm going to sing more. I'm going to sing more in my life because, because I got my voice back and I still think about it and it's so awesome

when the fucking Postmates guy comes I'm just gonna be like thanks for the food dude there was a guy on Postmates that delivered my food the other day and he had he looked like a fucking straight up vampire he had like but like the handsome one likeup vampire. But like the handsome one, like a cool one,

not like the... I want to suck your blood one, you know? But like the fucking... He had bleach blonde hair, and he was super tan, and looked like I might fuck him if I got drunk or something. Dude, do you guys watch... This isn't a promo. Do you guys watch The Strain on promo do you guys watch the strain on fx i um i watched

the first two episodes and i'm fucking into that show i love that actor the fucking main actor um and i like it a lot but that's two episodes um and i don't know if it gets worse or better. But I know it has like two or three seasons, I think. So I'm happy about that. I just like all these shows, man. They're just hard to watch. Even if they're really fucking good. It's like I don't want to be that fucking...

I need it to be a little bit like fun. You know what I mean? Like Game of Thrones, I saw four episodes and I know everyone's like, well, you got to wait it out. It's like, yeah, yeah. And I'm not saying it's not a good show. It's a great show.

But like, I don't want to have to be like so dramatic myself while watching a show. You know? Like, like 24 to me was a great show because it was like so ridiculous. But, like, uh, like 24 to me was a great show. Cause it was like so ridiculous, but also like thrilling.

But like, I got to watch fucking, uh, you know, uh, uh, I didn't watch it and I want to see it and I'm sure it's fucking amazing, but I got to watch the leftovers. Like I got to watch them. They're going to see it and i'm sure it's fucking amazing but i gotta watch the leftovers like i gotta watch them they're gonna be crying and shit what did we do like that's every show now what did we do that's every show look i want i love i love the show're great shows. I am a hundred percent. Now I want to be in those shows. I want to be in a show where I would, somebody would be like, to me, but like, you know, give me a fucking blood sucker or some shit. Give me a guy with a fucked up face. That's like a demon. I'm all in that show, man.

Give me a guy with a fucked up face that's like a demon. I'm all in that show, man. Yeah, I don't know. But anyway, the show's fucking cool two episodes in. I don't know. But like I even started like Battlestar Galactica and it's just like, you know, I love the show. But it's like after six episodes, I'm like, okay, it's so dramatic. Same thing with Mad Men.

Greatest show ever. But I get tired watching it because it's so dramatic. I don't know. Did I just burn fucking 75 bridges? I'm telling you, those are the shows i want to be in hire me let me be in those fucking shows where i get to like fucking cry and but be like shirtless but not fit you know what i mean but like so where they were like oh that's odd that he's sitting like that because it makes his belly come out over his fucking khaki or like slacks. I want to do a show where I wear slacks. 5'4 Club understands that your time is extremely valuable.

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It costs what it costs. Seasy. Mark Wahlberg uses it. I like Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg would be like, yeah, I use 544. I use 544. I go to 544club.com all the time.

I put on the shirts and the pants all the time. All the time I put them the shirts and the pants all the time all the time i put them on so do it nature box we all want to eat better but when it comes to snacks sometimes it feels like the whole world is delicious and a billion calories versus boring and tasteless doesn't have to be that way. Up your snack game with NatureBox. You've been looking to up your snack game? I have.

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You kidding me? All those words I like, and they're all in the same thing. I love those. Aged, aged cheddar? Dude, if you're eating regular cheddar, go to lunch. Get out of here. You eating aged cheddar? I trust you.

Get your new snack obsession on at NatureBox. It's so simple. go to naturebox.com choose the snacks you want and nature box will deliver them right to your door like you're a king there's no risk either you do it you don't like the snack don't eat it you don't like the snack don't eat it they'll replace it for free you'll save even more if you do it now nature box is offering congrats fans three free snacks with your first order when you go to naturebox.com slash congrats that's naturebox.com congrats for three free snacks with your first order naturebox.com congrats you don't know how to spell it go school dude imagine sitting down this isn't even part of anything

but it's part of the podcast now imagine imagine sitting down and eating regular cheddar and knowing there's aged cheddar out there and you're skipping it. The fuck is wrong with you? Dude, if you have regular cheddar, you better fucking put it somewhere and wait years before you eat it so then it's aged cheddar. Okay? Act like you've been somewhere. Fucking put your cheddar down,

go on vacation, come back, eat the cheddar. Take one of those long fucking holiday trips that Australians always go on vacation, come back, eat the cheddar. Take one of those long fucking holiday trips that Australians always take. Hey, Australians, why is your vacation always four months long? Don't you have a job? Don't you have family that's going to miss you? Don't you have a girlfriend? Australians are always like, go on going on holiday buy back in 2030

where are you going i don't know i've got one wide ticket dude if you go on vacation you have and you take and you have a one way ticket you are either somebody who's got severe problems. And now I mark my words. You're either somebody who's got so many problems, like you were touched for sure as a young boy or girl, sorry, but you were probably, or now I mean this, or you are absolutely 100% one of the top 10 most well-adjusted people in the world. There's no in-between. There's no in-between. You're either trying to find yourself or you know who you are and you're going to live life.

There's no fucking in-between, dude. Why do people always have to go somewhere else to find themselves? Hey, you're right there. You're in you. Don't go right there. You're in you. Don't go to Africa. You're where you are. I just wanted to go to, you know, I wanted to go to Japan to find myself.

Ah, really? All your things are where you are. You know, dude, I feel like, you know, we just, we had to go, dude. We had to go to Prague, you know dude i feel like you know we just we had to go dude we had to go to prague you know just kind of fucking let loose and just see who we are really you know get out of our comfort zone and find ourselves you know where you are in your goddamn comfort zone that's where you are found you hey man Hey man, found ya. You know where you are? In your clothes.

Don't go to Prague, found ya. You going to Australia to find yourself? Don't. You where you are. Hey Australian, you going to New York to find yourself? Don't. Found ya in Sydney. But I need to, hold on, back up.

Go gunk. Oh, you know, People are so lost. People are so fucking lost. And I guess I'm lost too. But I'm not going anywhere to find myself. You know where I am? My house. You in your condo?

Swear you are. Go look in the bedroom. Maybe you're in there. you don't need to go to zim bobway loving it dude loving it uh i love it i love it uh let's look at these fucking gaming the systems babies let's see who gamed the system today man god i love how i was gonna call it the congratulations congrats pod what's the tweet what's the thing congratulations pod good thing my producer sounds like he's fucking is crying but

congratulations pod is the sun fairy yeah because he doesn't have a microphone we're not getting him on either okay um uh all right here we go oh wow this is a good one dude nick goodwin came through with this now what he didn't come through with was his handle because his handle is at underscore hey look man you start your handle with an underscore pick something else all right you, like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Especially if it's this. At underscore Buena Victoria. Hey, man.

Somebody got Buena Victoria. Change it. Be Nick Goodwin. Be underscore Nick Goodwin for fuck's sake. This guy underscore Buena Victoria. Bye. Change it. Back up.

Gunk. You coulda. But this is a great question. I love it. Hey, Chris. Hey, at Chris D'Elia, how do you feel about people calling their friends

their team? Yeah, man. Dude, you're not... Hey, dude. Are you on the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes or are you Sarah? Hey, are you on the fucking Rancho Cucamonga Quakes or do you just know a guy named Ken and a guy named Jacob?

Don't call your friend your team, dude. You're just people. Put on a mitt, go out and fucking throw a ball around. Then you're a team. Are you just out at a bar? No. Uh, here we go.

Manafragista, at scottschwartz34. Now, I would tell you to change it, but that's something you probably learned on the podcast, considering you're tweeting at the podcast. And Maniforgista or Maniforgista, I don't know how it's pronounced because I'm not true Italian. I'm just an American that has some background Italian in me. Saw you twice last year.

Hashtag real baby. Hashtag real baby. Hashtag real baby. Did I say real baby? Maybe I must have. And loved the Ll cool j bit just wondering why it didn't make man on fire and that's a good question you know sometimes these bits i like them too uh thank you by the way that's very sweet uh the bit it's funny to me

yeah it's a bit about ll cool j that i do when i met ll cool j and um love ll cool j and uh i just uh i don't know. Sometimes these bits just don't, it didn't, it didn't, honestly, it didn't fit into the theme of what I was talking about. The whole theme of Man on Fire was we're not special and it didn't, it just didn't fit in it. Maybe I'll save it for something else. Sometimes I bring these bits back.

And maybe I will. And I don't, I don't know Jesse Benbrook at Jesse Benbrook how do you feel about a guy with a lift kit on his truck I've talked about this already actually you got a truck and you put all sorts of shit on it get a car get a car

how about a truck with a fucking flatbed cover on it get a car how about a truck with the fucking flatbed cover on it get a car uh this guy went look at this guy this guy's name is ralph nader on his thing and his at handle is at chris delia num one so i'm assuming one. Unless he's saying I don't have feelings. This guy went fucking ham. Jesus Christ. This guy, I'm just going to read all of his questions. What do you think about people who use social media to hook up with girls? Here's another one. What do you

think about the airplane bathrooms? What are your top five favorite shoes? Be specific. I like how this guy's giving me fucking... If you're going top five favorite shoes be specific i like how this guy's giving me fucking if you're gonna do it be specific motherfucker what do you think about kylie jenner dating only black guys what do you think about frats and college life jesus christ these guys are so many of them this guy did give me a a, marry, kill or whatever. Dude, how about people who actually play fuck, marry, kill? That's not fun. Hey, dude, fuck, marry, kill.

This person, that person, this person. And then somebody goes, oh, okay, that's a good one. Well, definitely, definitely kill, yada, yada. No, that's dumb. You could, you're absolute could. Oh my God, dude. This person sent me a picture. LLL at DJ underscore Leslie 20.

Change the whole thing. Change both. You're going to love this. And it's a picture. Oh my God, dude. I'm going to tweet this picture because this is unbelievable. I'll actually retweet it um or some shit i'm gonna favorite it right right now you're i mean this pic this fucking

goddamn it's a fucking tank top with that's neon green it says really large letters beast and then under it it has like an iphone thing that says slide to unlock whoa dude and it looks like they're selling them and yeah they're definitely selling them and there's a bunch of them left dude if somebody had that i'd fucking press really hard on their chest and really try to slide to unlock it and when they said hey man what the fuck you doing i said oh dude sorry man i was just trying to unlock the beast in you now growl now go scratch people unbelievable saving it i'm gonna tweet it um wow you're right dude usually sometimes people are wrong about this you're gonna love this but i really like that amazing great find

dj underscore leslie 20 change it uh wow Uh, wow. Oh, let's go back to my five favorite shoes. Be specific. Um, Hey bro, the food's here. If you want to go grab it. If you don't want fire. Um, uh, what was I saying? Oh, five top five favorite shoes.

That's a cool one. I'm a, I'm a sneakerhead. Okay. I'm not going to be that specific. Well, because people don't give a fuck about it. But here's the ones I like. I like the fucking... I love Jordan ones. I've always loved the Jordan ones, the first ones that they came out with.

You know, I like the Royals. I like the black and red. I love NMDs now. They're great. The NMDs are awesome. I love the first original ones with the blue and red plugs that are black.

The black shoes that are blue and red. And the white ones that are blue with the blue and red plugs. But I also like all the different ones. I like... I like, I like, I probably would say I like the Jordan 3s, 4s, and 5s. Nah, not the 5s. They're too big.

They're too bulky. But the 3s and 4s. I mean, I like the 5s. I have some. I got the 5s. What do you call them? I fucking forget what they're called. The the threes and fours. I mean, I like the fives. I have some. I got the fives. What do you call them? I fucking forget what they're called. The green ones with the gold tongue.

The suede ones. Those are fucking awesome. Those premium ones. I love those premium fives. They came out with the black ones and they're fucking awesome. So, yeah. Oh, by the way. The artwork that everybody's been sending me for man on fire has been very

cool uh i've been reposting a lot of those on my instagram and um i did that for the past week uh and uh i really think that that's cool it's uh it's definitely nice that you guys do that. And you guys are babies, you know, and that's great. Yeah. All right.

Well, look, I don't see any more questions here that are worth answering. I mean, I'm not seeing them all. Obviously,

there are so many of them, but answering. I mean, I'm not seeing them all. Obviously, there are so many of them, but yeah. All right. Yeah. So that's it. Thanks. United again. A jet catches fire. Denver Airport. People were like, tweet about this, but I didn't know if anyone got hurt, so I didn't want to make fun of it if they got hurt, you know? Yeah. All right. Cool. Well, that's that. You guys are awesome. Dude, go to my website to look at the, what do you call it, tours I got going on.

Let me just fucking read some of these off here because I know some of you aren't going to do it. Austin, Texas, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Montreal, Canada, Nashville, Tennessee, Nashville, Tennessee, Salt Lake, Utah, Phoenix, Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, Spokane, Washington, Charlotte, North Carolina, Irvine, California,

and Australia, although that's not up on my website yet. Will you email my people about that? Yeah. Otherwise, I mean, one fire, but you don't want that, right? I mean,

well, I think I probably did email a long time ago. So don't one fire, but anyway. Yeah, well, you do sometimes fuck stuff like that up, but you don't, but you do, okay? Agree to disagree. Anyway, so that's what's up.

You guys, thank you for watching Man on Fire. And if you haven't watched Man on Fire yet, watch it. The fuck you doing? You can watch it whenever fuck you're doing you can watch it whenever it's streaming on netflix on netflix but do it um and uh also there's merch uh up on uh crystalia.com in the store tag uh we got congratulations you can support the podcast we got congratulations t-shirts we got uh shirts of that uh that uh it show you're a fan of my comedy all that shit when i see people

wearing that to my shows it's fucking so sweet man um do we have the new merch up yet no okay we're getting new merch up to merchandise i don't like when people say merch don't like it merchandise it's easy enough just say it um but you succumb to what the fuck the world happened make makes you succumb to sometimes you know i don't want to be left out don't want to be left out but um by the way somebody was talking to me about how like hey you say you don't like to abbreviate words but all that's all you do is abbreviate words no don't abbreviate words i don't do that. Stiff language. Stiff language. All right? Stiff language.

Is gunk an abbreviation? No. Stiff lang. So, yeah. So do all that if you would. Rate and review the show. Download it. Stitcher.

Google Play. It's also on Pornhub. No, it's not on Pornhub. But, yeah. So rate and review it on iTunes. It would also on Pornhub. No, it's not on Pornhub. But yeah, so rate and review it on iTunes. It would be a big help. Watch them special on Netflix. And watch them special on Netflix. And you guys, thank you very much, my babies.

This is Chris D'Elia signing off for another week of Congratulations Podcast. Remember, guys, what a China. Congratulations. I am the mother of the fucking child, the mother of the fucking child.