Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 237. Business & Pleasure

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris shares some of his problems with us as well as his thoughts on the Superbowl. He also checks in on our friend Rick Ross and hopes someone can get Kanye some help. 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. No, PC Optimum members save more. For exclusive offers and members-only pricing, just scan and save. And don't forget in-stock promise, where you can count on great offers being in-stock or get a rain check. Discover more value than ever at Loblaws, in-store and online. Conditions apply. See in-store for details. Hey, guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Oh yeah. Now, as you notice, this one came out on Wednesday. And that's on Patreon on Wednesday

And then Thursday on YouTube And that's the thing that's going to be happening now I know a lot of you guys were like What the fuck happened to the podcast? But that's what it's going to be Because we are streamlining the way we do this And we want it to be more current Sometimes I mention things in the podcast

That happen right when they happen Because we do a podcast And then later on It doesn't come out until like a week and a half. And it's like, why the fuck do you care about the Super Bowl at that point? So we're recording on Mondays and then we are dropping it Wednesdays and Thursdays. So that's much better than we recorded a week. We used to record a week ahead of time. So it's going to be a better show, I think, ultimately.

So that's that. That's why it's a day late. It's not actually a day late. It's by design. And now this is how it's going to be from now on. So that's good. And we've got merch, the Don't Push Me merch, selling like hotcakes. You know, everyone is who they are. And when the outside

world happens, you got to remain, you got to remember to remain yourself. Don't be pushed. And that's not your fault. If you get pushed, right? That's someone else encroaching on your space. Let me be me. Basically you're saying, and don't push me, right? You don't want right. Chris coming out or you don't want whoever coming out, right? Everyone's got their own version of whatever that don't push me shit is. And, you know, it's the Americana design. That's all good. It's the Americana design.

And you got a hat that people think that maybe you served in the fucking goddamn Navy a while ago. Don't push me. But, yeah, so that's what's up, dude. Well, okay, good. Wow, man, you know what? It's crazy. I feel like a lot of stuff happened this week, just personally, like right now, even just starting off.

We had a bit of a get together for the Super Bowl yesterday. And then the next day, which is today, the place was a mess. Kristen had to study for school and she has a test today. And so she didn't want to have to clean up the place. So she went online and found a place that comes and, um, cleans the house. And there was all sorts of shit. Like it was a potluck. So everyone had ribs and shit and it was like cakes and just wraps everywhere. And so these people came to do it, two people, two women, one younger woman, one older woman. And Kristen had to leave and she was like, you got to deal with this. And I was like, okay, I guess I'll deal with it. You know, Johnny doesn't deal with shit, but I guess Johnny has to deal with shit at this point, right?

Because she's got to go do her thing and study at the library, right? Okay. Good study here, but it's all good. That's not for me to say. That's what she wanted to do. That's what she needed. And that's fine. All right.

So what I did was stay at home. Okay. And they show up and the younger woman, you know, she's 25, 30 or something. And she's like, uh, hi, we're here to clean the house. And I was like, okay, cool. Now we have cleaning ladies, but they work on Fridays. All right. So she wanted this shit done now.

So they're coming Monday. So this is a different cleaning ladies because the cleaning ladies that we have, they're booked solid because they are trustable. And that is what you pay top dollar for. I've offered them to clean other friends' houses. And they were like, okay, cool. How much is it? I tell them how much.

And they're like, oh, I could get somebody to clean this shit up for $40. And I'm like, yeah, but that's a crack whore. You understand? Right? These people trust costs money. So when my cleaning ladies ask for a raise, I go like this. Okay. I guess I'm Daddy Warbucks at this point because the trust

costs money. Right. And I trust them because they've been with me for 15 plus years. Okay. And so, um, now I got these random people come in to watch my house. Okay. And they're coming. And as soon as I got, I got the dogs locked. Now, I got four dogs in a cage right now. Four dogs. And then I have Cooper. Because Calvin is at grandma's house and we're watching someone else's dog. It's just so much shit is going on. It's a lot.

And so the people come and Cooper's the only one out of the cage. And Cooper runs outside when I opened the door. And the young one is like, hi, I'm here to clean the house. And the older lady is like, okay, but are you going to put this dog up? And I'm like, hello, what? She's like, you got to put this dog up. And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. He's very friendly.

I'll just put him upstairs. And I hold him. And she's like not coming in the house. And the younger woman is like, come in. It's okay. He's got the dog. And she's like, okay, as long as he's going to put him, I'll put him upstairs. And I hold him and she's like not coming in the house. And the younger woman is like, come in. It's okay. He's got the dog. And she's like, okay, as long as he's going to put them up. And I'm like, yeah, I'll put the dog upstairs. It's all good. No, no, no big deal. And so I did that. So I was like, very weird way to start the thing. Okay. Very weird way to start the thing, to come into a house thinking that I'm just going to have attack dogs fly out and go for your juggler. Right. Okay. But I understand stranger things

have happened and you're coming into a foreign stranger's house. Okay. Fair enough. I put the dog upstairs and then I come back down and they're like, very, very, very nice. Okay. We're good. Everything good. This is good. The younger lady says to the older lady, um, are you good with cleaning this? And the older lady says, yeah, this is easy. And the younger lady says, okay, I have to leave and go drop someone else to another location. And I go like this, okay, sounds weird, but what do I know? I'm not in the cleaning business. What do I know? Right? I'm not in the cleaning business. So now there's one person in my house and it's for some reason weirder for one stranger to be in your house than two strangers to be in the house, right? Because there's two strangers can bounce the shit off each other and be strange together.

But when one of the stranger leaves, all that strangeness that the one stranger has that's left is directed towards you. So now I got to deal with the strangeness. Okay. And it's from this older lady that is like, so I go upstairs and I let her, I'm like, look, the only rooms we need to be clean are these two downstairs rooms. And she's like, this is a very nice house, a very nice house. Here's the other thing.

If you're a stranger and you come into someone's house, don't compliment their house. Makes it feel like you're going to get robbed. Okay? Don't do that. I've seen too many movies. You walk into a house. All right. Wow.

Very nice. Wow. Wow. All of a sudden, it seems like I'm going to get held up at knife point. Okay? So I say, yeah, very, yeah, nice house. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.

These are the only two rooms you need to clean. So I would go upstairs. I let her do her thing, right? Cause I don't want to be in the way and I don't want her to feel like she has to talk to me or she doesn't have to talk to me. So she's just cleaning in the shits. I'll be upstairs about three or four times. I hear this.

Um, so the first time I hear, um, I'm like, okay, I guess I go down, I go down, I say, yes, hello, and she says, hi, yeah, um, do you have, uh, trash bags, I thought three would do it, but I need, I need more, and I say, oh, sure, yeah, they're right here, okay, I'm so sorry, I'm like, it's fine. They're just trash bags. It's fine. Go back upstairs. Um, this is how she's saying, excuse me, sir. Just like hoping I'm going to understand the confusion has to do with me.

Like, I don't know what the fucking um is for. It could be because somebody came in and slashed her neck. I have no fucking idea. Um, I come down. What do you want me to do with this game, she says, it's a game that Kristen played last night with some people, I'm like, I don't know, just put it in the box, I guess, and then you could just put it under the thing with the other games, she's like, oh, over there, I say, yeah, okay, cool, okay, so then I'm upstairs for a little bit, and guess what I did, I did some gangster shit, I left the house for 10 minutes, nobody was in the house except her, but then I felt bad that I left the house, right, I felt bad that I left the house, so I came back in, because I was like,

she could be literally robbing me blind, but I wanted to trust, right, I wanted to trust, because she was in my house, and fuck it, she could kill me, so I left the house, and then I felt weird, but I came back, I came back, and when I came back, she's like, I'm pretty much done, But I came back. I came back. And when I came back, she's like, I'm pretty much done. And I said, okay. I go upstairs. And then I hear, um.

So I come back down. And I say, yes. And she says, I'm so sorry. Can I use your phone? For some reason, my phone isn't working. I said, do you want my Wi-Fi? And she said, sure. I gave her my Wi-Fi.

It wasn't working for some reason. I don't know. Maybe her phone is off now. So she's like, can you call the person to pick me up? And I say, okay. I call her, text her, no response. Yay, dude. Can you turn my headphones on? Yay. Yay, dude. No response. Yay. So now I'm like, okay, cool. And she's sitting there and she's like, I don't know why she's not picking up. And I said, oh, okay, well, whatever. She'll come. We'll figure it out. And she was like, okay,

because it's just weird. She's not picking me up. And I'm like, don't say that too much. Don't say that too much because then it's absolutely weird. Maybe just wait for the ride and we'll see what happens. And she's like, okay. So I go upstairs and then I hear, um, I come back down. I'm like, yes. And she says, well, I tried to get in touch with the business people and then the other people.

And I, you know, I was just helping her out for a day and I don't even work for her, but I was just helping her out. And this is the last time I help her out. And I go, Oh, Oh, everything is unraveling. And I'm alone with this person. Listen, uh-oh, I'm a famous guy. Uh-oh, I'm entering fuckedville. Okay? So I say, oh, well, we'll figure it out. Don't worry about it. And then she was like, okay.

And she was like, because I don't know. She knows I have a nervous condition. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Now she's got a condition. So now she's in my house alone. I'm in my house alone. She's cleaning the house. Done with it. She did a pretty good job, except for the floors.

They're sticky. And she says she drops this. I've got a nervous condition on me. So I'm like, OK, well, is there anyone else I could call? And she said, well, did she not call you back yet? I said, no. And she said, I just don't know why my phone's not working. That doesn't seem to be my fault. And I'm like, let's just not even talk about fault.

Let's not even talk about fault. And she's like, do you think you could drop me off? And I said, well, no. And the answer is just because. I mean, there's so many reasons that I'm just going to lump them all into because. I don't want to be alone in my house with you. I don't want to be alone in my car with you. And also, I don't want to drive all the way to Olympic and Brea because that's where you need to go. And so now I'm texting Kristen, hey, great hire. Stranger in our house telling me she's got a nervous condition. Hey, great hire. And she was like, okay, it's okay. I'm sorry. Let me be on your team. And I'm like, okay. Then she starts crying. And I don't mean Kristen. The person,

actually, let me rephrase that, the stranger in my house starts crying. You have entered Fuckedville. Oh, I'm the mayor now. They voted me in. Oh, excuse me? Hello, you're the mayor of Fuckedville.

What do we do here? Oh, I didn't want this position. It's a democracy, and they voted for you. Okay. Well, this stranger's... First order of business, stranger's crying in your house, mayor, what are we going to do? Oh, I don't know.

And Kristen says, Uber her. And as she says Uber her, the lady's crying and she says, well, because she knows I have a heart condition and I... Oh, you got two conditions? Hey, I got a condition. Don't let people with two conditions be alone in your house with you. That's a standing condition I have. She said, I have a heart condition. I can't walk that far all the way to L.A.

I don't even know where I'm walking. I don't know where I am. She says, I don't know where I am. So I'm like, all right, well, I'll get you an Uber. I get her an Uber. I got to download the fucking app because I don't Uber. You know, Johnny drives a lot. He's got fucking, I mean, the cars, the cars that he has alone. Why the fuck would he take an Uber, dude? I mean, the inside of my one shit, it looks like it's that time of the month. Obviously, I got a fucking headrest on my headrest. I swear to God. I got the MyPillow guy seeing me drive by and go, that's a good idea because it looks

comfy as shit when I'm in there. You know what I'm saying? The guts are open when I lower my windows. Okay. And not to mention, I'm bossing it up. I mean, when I step out my car, everyone expects the fucking Armenian, but it's not, it's just me. It's a white guy. It's a guy who's basically translucent, who doesn't get a tan at all. I'm the color of fucking off death. All right. And I step out, dude, but he's the same color as his mobile, isn't he?

Is he's the same color of his mobile. What color is chris he's matte pearl white oh for fuck's sake he's mango white oh shit that's the color i am mango white oh for fuck i didn't know mangoes are white matt's a fucking they they figured out how to fucking make a conglomerate dude so um so now uh she's like i was like all right well look Just relax so now I'm her coach And her fucking therapist and shit I'm like just relax We'll get it done I'm getting an Uber Okay okay should I go What should I do I was like just sit tight

She's like how far away is it I was like 7 minutes all good And she's like should I go wait outside What color is the car who's the lady I'm like look look look you're asking way too many questions Kristen's like I don't want to come in yet i'm she was getting home she's like i'm scared i'm like it's fine the lady's so frail it's all good and then the lady got picked up and left and then kristin wasn't come i was like i thought she came home i was like where are you i texted

where she's like i'm down the street i don't want to come in yet. I'm like, everything's fine. Come in. Jesus Christ, man. What a day. And then I got fucking Calvin with my nanny over at grandma's house. And they were supposed to be back at 115. And the fucking, my mom is like trying to convince my nanny to have Calvin nap in the fucking at her house. She doesn't even have all the things. How's he going to nap? He doesn't have his fucking sleep sack, dude. And then nanny's texting me. She doesn't even have all the things. How's he going to nap? He doesn't have his fucking sleep sack,

dude. And the nanny's texting me, I don't know, grandma's kind of like fucking taking Bogart in this situation. I'm like, oh, fuck, dude. I got a nervous breakdown. I got a cleaning lady having a nervous breakdown in my house that I've never met before. I got a stranger telling me about her two conditions, and

my mom's trying to fucking force Calvin to sleep in not a crib. So anyway, that's how my day's been going and we got a lot of shit to talk about and that's just what fucking just happened dude dude the fucking um as soon as as soon as the and she kept asking me too are your dogs still are your dogs still up that's how she kept saying are your dogs still up i'm like they're still in. They're not coming out. It's all good. Don't even worry about it.

Worry about your heart condition. That's the thing. So crazy. And dude, I've had the fucking bloody guts mobile for a fucking week now. Guess how many, dude. Amazing, dude. Have I had, did I have fucking, did I, was it a great car? Yes, dude.

Did I have a fucking amazing car? Yes. Is the fucking exterior mango white? Yes, it is. Is I have fucking really low run flat tires? Yes. Did I flatten two of them? Yes.

At different times? Yes. So was it more annoying? Yes, dude. Should I flatten them both at the same time? Obviously it would have been less annoying. Yes. Was one of them with a nail in them?

One of them need to replace a whole tire for $500? Yes. Is it okay? Yes. They did it in a day. It's fine. But still, did I have a spare that I could do it? No, because they run flat tires are supposed to be better. You could drive on them for 50 fucking miles. But why would I do that when obviously the rims cost probably like two fucking days? Yes, I wouldn't do that, dude. Amazing. Two flat tires in fucking one week with the new whip bullshit bullshit and i fucking oh this was the best dude it. It's just, dude, life, you know, life.

Sometimes life is the fucking, you know what life is? Life is like the guy in the doorway. And you're just like, and he's having a conversation with somebody inside the place that you're fucking trying to get into. And you're just like, guy needs to obviously fucking move. I got to get in there, and the guy's got his back to me, and it's some fucking big backed motherfucker just talking to somebody in a goddamn Panera Bread, and you're like, I'm trying to get a fucking, goddamn, I'm trying to get a bowl.

I want to get a fucking bread bowl. And that's life. Life is that guy. And you're just like trying to eat by, and you don't want to get a fucking, a bread bowl. And that's life. Life is that guy. And you're just like trying to eat by, you don't want to touch him. And so I told you we're building a house. Jesus, all these fucking problems. I sound like such a fucking asshole. You know, I know people are out there starving, but whatever.

These are my problems. One time I fucking was like, dude, I was bitching about my problems to Bobby Lee. And he was like, do you understand how good you have it? And I was like, motherfucker, dude, problems are just as big as however the fucking problems are in the person's life. I was like, yeah, people are around there with no eyeballs, but that's not me. I got eyeballs. So my problem is somebody having a nervous breakdown in my house that's trying to clean

it. So anyway, Kristen, you know, I told her we're building a house and we go to go to have a meeting with the people who are the architects of the fucking house. And I'm with Kristen and we're driving to the fucking architects and she's like, wait, wake up. And so I wake up and she goes, dude, this is the fucking it's the little shit in life, man. I'm sleeping. You know, I sleep in. You know how I do it.

And I'm not apologetic about it. That's how I do it. I work late sometimes and I sleep in and I'm not sorry about that. You know, as you go out through life, you, you, you, you apologize about a lot of certain things, but one thing I don't apologize about is getting that sleep. Because if I don't get that sleep, I get fucking canker sores and I want to fucking go to bed all the time. And I'm tired. I'm laying, I'm like, okay, um, I want to, uh, I want, she's like, she's like, hey, uh, we have that meeting at 11 a.m., you got to wake up, um, earlier than you normally do, and, and go to, and, and take a shower, and so I'm like, all right, cool, I couldn't sleep the night before,

10 o'clock, she wakes me up, the meeting's at 11 30, 10 o'clock, she wakes me up. The meeting's at 11.30. 10 o'clock, she wakes me up. I know. I fucking, I know. I know you're like, you sleep till 10? Yeah, I do. But also, I fucking work hard and I do my shit, all right? I'm a productive member of society.

I can't imagine if this is the first time anyone ever heard this podcast, they would fucking immediately hate me. But the fans, you ride with me and you ride hard. All right, so here's the deal. I am now awake. And she comes in and she's like, hey, do you want to take a shower first or do you want me to take a shower first? And I said, well, what's the deal? And she was like, I can shower first or you can shower first.

And I said, okay, it doesn't matter. She was like, I can shower first or you can shower first. And I said, okay, um, it doesn't matter. She's like, okay. So she leaves the room and I'm like, all right, I'm up. I'm, I'm going to take a shower. So I take a shower. I get out of the shower. I get ready. I'm ready. Then she gets in the shower. So now guess what? Could have fucking slept way longer. It doesn't matter. It's all good. Okay. It doesn't matter. So she's taking a shower. So now guess what? Could have fucking slept way longer. It doesn't matter. It's all good. Okay. It doesn't matter. So she's taking a shower. Now I'm like, you know me, when I wake up, I like to get a coffee.

That's what I do. Now I didn't use the fucking coffee maker that I have because it needs to be clean. Now that's fine, dude. I get it. Because guess what? We have to go somewhere. So if we have to go somewhere, we can stop at that fucking coffee bean and tea leaf. Right.

And that's what I got right here with the purple straw. So I'm like, that's what we're going to do. And she comes down late, way too late to leave. And I say, okay, let's go. And she says, okay, I'm going to do my makeup in the car. And I say, okay, incredible. You're not ready, but all good, right? Hey, by the way, it's incredible.

You're not ready, especially since you started it off by waking me up saying, who wants to take a shower first? I took one, and then 10 minutes later, you took one. Incredible you're not ready, but it's all good. But we got to get a coffee on the way there because, you know, that's how I do, right? And she was like, okay. We get down the hill, and she goes, Chris, can we just not get a coffee? No.

No. Whoa, I'm pissed, dude. She changed her mind in fucking five minutes, and it wasn't because of any other reason than she thought we were going to be too late when we were already too late because of her. Ah, yes, dude. Yes, man. Late is late and I've got no caffeine in me.

Ah, yes. Now I feel bitch about complaining because why are we going? Because we're going to meet somebody to build us a house. So yes, I've got no room to complain because I'm rich. Ah, yes, dude. But my problems are my problems. And so I say, baby, can we just get a coffee?

It's on the way. And she's like, it's going to take too long. So I pull up the app while I'm driving. And she's like, don't text and drive. I said, I'm getting the app so I can just run in the place, get the coffee. It'll save time. She's like, I don't want you texting and driving. So now she doesn't want me getting a coffee and doesn't want me using the app while I'm driving because she thinks it's dangerous.

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That's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash ymx benefits vary by card terms apply so i'm driving i'm driving on the way and it's all good i'm like you know what fine she's like they'll have coffee there now i don't know why she's saying it because they obviously don't have iced Americanos at the goddamn architecture place. All they have is bad, stale coffee. And that's 100% obvious. And it's fine to know that, but it's not fine to say that because, you know, you're just going to piss me off more because, you know, that's not what I want.

Yes, and we keep moving. So we're rolling, dude. We're rolling. We're rolling and the bloody guts are getting all over, okay, and I realize, you know what, I'm in a nice boss Armenian car, okay, it's okay, cool, I'm a bit Tony Soprano, because I've got the beautiful tint on, I've even got the front window tint, like I said, nobody could tell that I'm, that it's my car's time of the month, except for the fucking, maybe somebody on Southwest airline in the middle of a flight, right? Because the fucking, this shit is intended. Okay. So we're going there and we're driving and, and, and we're driving and we're halfway there. We're

more than halfway there. We're not halfway there. We're more than halfway there. And Kristen says, okay, well, we're going to be really late. And I say, well, why don't you email them since I can't use my phone because I'm driving and tell them and give them a heads up that we're going to be really late and i say well why don't you email them since i can't use my phone because i'm driving and tell them and give them a heads up that we're going to be late and she says okay and i understand that she's a little bit stung because i said she wants you know what i mean i'm like well i can't do it you said i can't use the app so if those are the rules then i can't be driving and you got to be fucking doing thing. And she's like, okay, you got me. I touche. It was a little bit of a touche moment. Right?

So she was like, okay. Um, she's emailing and she's going like this. She's quiet for a little bit. And then she goes, babe, I say, yep. And she says the meetings next Wednesday. but what do I do with all this anger? Well, okay, that may be true, sweetheart, but what do I do with more than two carry-ons of anger? I guess we have to pay extra. I guess we have to check some of these anger bags. Now, why am I mad? I'm mad because of the shower thing and I was rushed and

I didn't need to be. I'm mad because I can still be sleeping. I'm mad because we drove out of our way all the way to a place that we wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for this meeting that, oh, by the way, didn't exist until the future. And why am I mad? I'm mad because I've been being told what to do, not text, not get a coffee. And I'm mad because I didn't get to do my thing, but it's okay because I've been to a lot of therapy and Johnny learns a lot. Okay. So I started kind of just trying to relax. I say nothing. I realized, you know what? Today's fucked already. And it's one of those things where when you realize that the day's fucked like when you realize

a day's going badly that's when you're mad but when you realize a day's fucked you're not so mad right because what are you gonna do you're the mayor of fuckedville they voted you in so I just turn right and she

starts laughing and she says well I guess we can get a coffee now. A little bit of a fucking touche, a little bit of a fucking, you know, a shank to my side, but it's all good. It's all good because I'm sitting in bloody guts anyway. Turn around, start driving to, I guess, a coffee place. And all of a sudden we actually get hit with a homing missile. At least that's what it seemed like. What happened was I hit a pothole, pothole. I hit a pothole. Okay. Not pothole. Cause that's not what it is, but I hit a pothole and I made a joke that my tire popped. I go, Oh my God, Jesus. that my tire popped.

I go, oh my God, Jesus. I go like that and Kristen laughs. And then over my dash, the tire thing comes out and it starts like all they got, they got 47 pieces of air, right? The PSI, they got 47 pieces of air in my tire. Everything's at 47, except for the one that hit the pothole. It goes 47, 46, 45, 44.

And it's going down, dude. And it goes, it gets down to nine, eight. And I'm like, I pull over, dude. It's gone. These run flat tires, it's gone, dude. I'm rolling on only the rim. And so I'm like, for fuck's sake, dude. And I said, you know, this is going to take an hour.

And she's like, no, it's not. Oh, yes, it is. She thought it was going to take 25 minutes for AAA to come and switch the tire. That, by the way, we don't have because they don't keep it because they're run-flat tires. And you can't put on run-flat tires like that. So I had to get a tow truck. And they had to come three hours later. And they had to bring a Mercedes-Benz from Beverly Hills.

And we had to pretend like we wanted to go to that shitty coffee shop for three hours. Oh, no. No. No. oh no and then no and she dressed nicely she dressed nicely because she wanted to impress the architect people she dressed in a nice dress so now we're walking around this fucking residential area in a nice dress like we're some fucking hooligans that are trying to trick you it was a bullshit day dude so now i got two flat tires in one week all i'm trying to say is my fucking life's hard dude life's that guy in the fucking doorway that you're asking to move kind of like a bitch,

so it's all good, they fixed it up nice, and that's that, but let's get to the fucking shit, I got it, the thing about the fucking Super Bowl, Superbowl is like, just, okay. They're playing the game and all that shit. I will say this man about the halftime show. You know, there's very rarely a good halftime show and I'm all prepared to just think about

how bullshit it's going to be. But this halftime show fucking ripped when 50 cent fucking came down off the thing, I was like, Jesus Christ, dude. By the way, have you ever tried to hang upside down? Have you ever actually got on like an inversion table or something like that? It feels like your eyes are going to pop out of your head and your ears are going to explode.

So how the fuck can fucking Chubby Cent do it? I mean, dude, he was upside down. By the way, he looked big enough. I know everyone's making fun of him. They're all doing that hacky joke. Fucking, oh, it's not 50 Cent. He's a dollar now. Okay, I get it.

Fine. Funny, ha-ha. So many people did the same joke. That's just one of those jokes that you type in. How come while you're typing, you don't realize, oh, everyone's going to be out there? Google it first. They're doing it too. But he did a fucking upside down hang. And what is he fucking 250 at least bro how did his head not pop open for real he was

like you can find me in the club just fucking upside down and i made a joke about how like he didn't even know he's a part of the fucking um when we were at the thing we were at the fucking super bowl while watching it and i was like oh this is how he woke up in the morning he didn't even know he was a part of it till right now. And that made me laugh and everyone laughed. But dude, he was sleeping upside down. Or no, he was upside down, just doing this shit, rapping upside down hard enough to be upside down.

Try to be upside down, dude. Go try to be upside down after this podcast. You can't do it. You're going to be like, oh fuck, this sucks. 50 Cent was just chill. So everyone's making fun about how fucking big he was how about the fact that the motherfucker hung upside down and did the first verse of a song that fucking came out in 1999 the guy ripped dude that ripped that ripped that he was on it i mean i don't you know i go back and forth on 50 cent but and then when eminem

came out forget it and dre came out and he was, I've been in this rap game for 30 fucking years. And everyone was like, oh shit, I'm old as shit. But that's what they do though, dude. They never, what's up with the football? Why don't they, they never try to draw in the younger crowd. I guess they don't need to, right? Because football is such a fucking establishment. It's such a, like, I know how like Eminem took the knee for Kaepernick and NFL just didn't want that.

They asked him, can we do that anyway? And NFL was like, oh, fucking of course not. And Eminem did it anyway. The only white guy, which is hilarious. Um, and then Dr. Dre didn't say his line, fuck the police. Or I'm still, still not giving a shit about what the fucking line is. I don't know, but he didn't do it. They rewrote that too, because obviously the NFL didn't want that line in there. It's a corporation, my babies.

That's why I thank God we're on goddamn Patreon, man. Fuck them. You want to be an ad? You want to be a sponsor? Not good. What? It doesn't matter, dude. I got my Patreon babies and you're killing it. $6 a fucking month, dude. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Sign up, sign up my babies, sign up, and I'll tell you, fuck the police all day long. Or sometimes I'll be like, I'm friends with the police. I'll tell you how I feel about the police each week. It goes back and forth, dude. We need the police, by the way. We need them.

Right now, we need them. You know why? Everything's fucking on fire in Los Angeles. And the fucking, the sheriff and the DA, they're at odds in Los Angeles. How about Garcetti, dude? Not wearing a mask, getting a picture taken again, dude, the third time. The third time he's sitting there with his mask around his fucking arm, just having a conversation and kids in school need to wear it above too. Dude, Garcetti, man.

Garcetti just doesn't give a fuck. Garcetti's one of those dudes in the movies where you watch the movie and you think you're on Garcetti's side the whole movie and then you find out he's the bad guy and then you're like, oh, well, at least this kind of shit doesn't happen in real life. That's this dude. He's talking about you got to wear your mask. You got to wear your mask. And then all of a sudden it's a bottom of his face photo shoot. Hey, Garcetti, we don't give a fuck if you believe in wearing masks or not, but just do what you're telling us to and don't do a fucking nose and under photo shoot. The guy's like, you got to make sure to wear your mask, wear your mask, wear your mask

all day long. And then all of a sudden, want to see the inside of my lips? Just do what you say you're going to do. Otherwise, how the fuck can we vote for you? I'm not saying wear your mask or don't. I'm just saying, if you're a politician and you're saying wear your mask all the time, then wear your mask all the time. That's all I'm saying. People want to get behind you, so let them. I'm not saying me.

I'm not saying whoever. But people want to get behind leaders, period. Just do what you're going to do, what you're telling us to. If you're out here saying every morning, wake up, do the hokey pokey and then go to work fine. But if some footage shows up on some CCTV and we see you waking up and driving to work and there's no hokey pokey in the middle of that, then how the fuck are we going to get behind you?

Now, I don't going to get behind you? Now, I don't like to get political, but you know I mean business. How about this Joe Rogan thing that's just absolutely insane? Like, I know Joe Rogan personally. I know him for years. Hey, he's just not racist. That's it. He's not racist.

That's it. So, okay. So, yeah, he did some shit, which he said on his apology thing was stupid and yeah he said those words and he did those fucking you know the planet of apes thing and he said well i fucking did this and that's shitty and everyone just well not everyone everyone seems to be on his side which is fucking really nice when a comedian is going through a really hard time and a lot of comedians show up and uh are there for somebody to support them which is fucking really nice when a comedian is going through a really hard time and a lot of comedians show up and are there for somebody to support them, which is great. But I do support him because the fucking he's not racist. And yeah, he did that dumb shit.

And OK, that's it. And how hilarious is it that people are like saying Spotify? Oh, shit. Spotify. Good for free speech. Dude, Spotify doesn't give a fuck. It's about bags. Spotify good for free speech dude Spotify doesn't give a fuck it's about bags dude if fucking Joe Rogan left by the way this is a fucking hit this is a hit on Joe Rogan this has been out there

people know it's been out there Spotify knows it's been out there I saw that clip a long time ago everyone knows now it's coming into the light because they're trying to dig up everything they possibly can on this motherfucker joe rogan because why because he's bigger than cnn fox news fucking discovery plus all together he's bigger than them all together and that's threatening so you know under the guise of doing what's right, they get everybody thinking that they need to take Joe Rogan off the air. Why, dude? Why? Because he's a racist guy? No, he's not a racist guy.

And they know he's not a racist guy. Also, who's saying he's a racist guy? Fox News? Who? Who's saying it? CNN? Who's saying it? It's fucking ridiculous, dude. it's so crazy this time and

nothing's happening by the way nothing's happening he's gonna do his fucking thing anyway how about that so you can pretend it's about free speech you can pretend it's about doing the right thing you can pretend it's about being racist anti-racist you can pretend it's about doing the right thing. You can pretend it's about being racist, anti-racist. You can pretend it's about anything, but all it's really about is money because that's all it's ever really about. And the people supporting him, the friends supporting him, they're only doing it because it's safe for them because he's the king with the ring that you kiss. That's why. Believe, believe if it wasn't that way, if it was anybody else but Rogan, if it was With the ring that you kiss. That's why. Believe.

Believe. If it wasn't that way. If it was anybody else but Rogan. If it was Burt Kreischer. If it was anybody else. Everyone would be wiping their fucking hands clean of this motherfucker. I promise you that. And that's not taking anything away from Joe Rogan.

Because Joe Rogan is a good guy. I know him. And I know he's not racist. All I'm saying is that this is about bags. The support is about racks. And if it wasn't, especially comedians, because they're motherfucking bitches, they would wipe their hands. Even knowing that Joe Rogan isn't racist. They'd be like, well, I don't contone that shit.

All these motherfuckers are seeing how it plays out. Oh, how does it play out? Oh, okay then. Okay then. Okay then. Okay, good. Oh, we're good? Okay then, good.

Then I support it. That's what they're doing, dude. That's why I don't post shit, because I know the motherfucker. And dude, here's the other thing. Well, I'm saying I support him now. But why doesn't the fucking... I don't know.

It's weird, dude. It's just weird. When people go through these times, like Dave Chappelle went through his thing with his trans stuff and everyone was on his shit. Dude, some of the comedy clubs posted about how we support Dave Chappelle,

but not all of them, dude. Not all of them. They didn't all do it. But they'll happily put him on stage, right? But they won't post about it. Fuck that shit. It's all about what you think the right thing to do is to make money. You could act like it's something else.

Oh, because I'm holier than thou and I do the right thing. Y'all got fucking demons in your fucking shit too you got bones in your closet everyone did already did the thing that can bury them i've said this fucking 200 episodes ago but the point is you can't fucking you can't you just i don't know man remember that whole thing about fucking tommy hillfiger and everyone thought that he was racist because he thought they thought he if I knew black people were going to wear my clothing, I wouldn't fucking have made it. He didn't even fucking do that. That was like the narrative for so long. People still think Tommy Hilfiger is racist and he just didn't do that.

People thought he did, but he didn't. You'll see a fucking some, a black guy posting the thing and a Tommy Hilfiger thing and under the comments, it'd be like, oh really? You're supporting that fucking racist. He's just not that guy. I don't know Tommy Hilfiger, and under the comments it'll be like, oh really? You're supporting that fucking racist? He's just not that guy. I don't know Tommy Hilfiger, but all I'm saying is Joe Rogan isn't racist and the whole fucking thing is ridiculous. It's stupid as shit. And it's awesome because Rogan

just stays offline and lets it fucking happen because it's not real if you don't let it be. I just know how much of a fucking mind fuck it can be when the mob comes after you. And, you know, I checked in with him about fucking making sure he was okay and he's okay. But it just fucking sucks, man. It's not, it's not, it's not, you don't understand what it's like. And it sucks.

It's so weird dude you know what's weird is about um um rick ross here let's go because we talked about him last time. The piano that played it so... How lonely is he? I mean, look at this one. Comes out of his room with a flame. A flamethrower. Who won?

I'll burn your block down. Flamethrower. What a loser. Camera guy is just right now so hot. Just like, oh God. Who's doing this? Oh, the camera got backed up into something. That's amazing.

So bitch. So bitch. So bitch how he was doing it, dude. Little spurts of flames. So bitch. I love how he, dude, Rick Ross has so much furniture that he thinks he should have because that's what bosses have, but he doesn't even like it. That's the best part. Dude, how could you be so lonely?

This is the thing that happens to rappers once they get past 40. Rap is such a young man's game that at this point, you're just like, okay, I guess I got to do something to stay relevant. Like you can't be a fucking rapper and be 50. I mean, you can kind of, but like Eminem is almost 50 and he can still do it.

I mean, the halftime show was great. Dr. Dre is a producer, but like Snoop does it and everyone likes him because it's funny. You know what I mean? Nobody's really buying a fucking, well, is Snoop even rapping anymore?

He's not coming out with music, right? If he was, people would be like, cool, but I guarantee that's not the fucking thing that people are yearning for on the Snoop Dogg. They want him to do a fucking show with Martha Stewart or some shit, right? Cause Snoop Dogg has just become a joke of himself. And that's fine. That's how he fucking was able to collect racks at this point in his life. But rappers get so lost, right? That they have to like, they'll be like, all right, I'll just get a flamethrower and a piano that plays itself and we'll start fucking doing videos and hopefully Worldstar will repost me. And this is how fucking Rick Ross will sell tickets now because he's not going to be like, yeah, I'm in my Maybach now and bitches sucking my dick.

It's like you're 55 and that's just sad. Grow up. That's why T.I. started doing fucking standup, right? T.I., sure, he's made a lot of money and he's good for the rest of his life, but he started doing stand-up. Dude, this is the thing that's fucking hilarious about stand-up, too. No, about stand-up comedians. Comedians are so fucking backwards, dude. Comedians will be like, oh, fucking stand-up is the hardest shit.

Don't take my jobs. Everyone thinks that they could do fucking stand-up. All these internet people are popping up and trying to sell tickets, but they're why are clubs letting them do it you know just because this guy went fucking viral with a guitar the island boys are gonna do stand-up right i'm gonna be pissed off and then fucking ti will come out and be like i'm doing stand-up comedy right now and he'll go do like 50 minutes at the comedy store and the comedy store will post them and be like hey fucking uh trouble man came by and blessed us with a and it's like like, dude, what are you fucking doing? You cocksucker.

You just want... You just... Dude, like, what is... Why are you acting like stand-up isn't actually a fucking thing? Dude, it's like, yeah, if the Island Boys want to do it or whoever, you're all pissed off because they're taking the spots. And then Trouble Man will come in and just do 50 minutes at the laugh factory and then people other comedians will post pictures of it and be like yo ti has really been putting in work at this stand-up shit it's like dude god bless this

motherfucker for treating it like a real job dude what are you talking about this guy fucking made a song called rubber band man he's not a comedian and he's just up here just being all like hey what's up man there's video of him doing stand-up out there and it's fucking terrible in no way can it can you be like oh whoa this is cool he's doing it you're stuck you're sucking his dick because he's fucking famous rapper dude how come I'm the only one who's keeping it real about this? Like, it's so fucking ridiculous. I don't even want to get heated. I just want to fucking talk about funny shit.

But this is the shit that's happening? The guy'll have a fucking Netflix deal in fucking three months. It's so backwards and makes no fucking sense. It makes no sense, dude. It's so silly, bro. The whole thing is so fucking silly.

Nobody gives a fuck because it's about money. Just fucking please believe. That's why everyone's talking about Kanye West. Like he's a joke, like in a good way. Like, oh, that Kanye, they might as well just make a sitcom called that Kanye. The guy's having a fucking mental breakdown. Hey buddies, get him help.

Get Kanye help, dude. I, dude. That's the thing. If you have $6 billion, you don't have buddies. Somebody texted me, doesn't he have a buddy to fucking help? Dude, you don't have buddies if you have $6 billion. You have hangers on. Dude, it's so sad. Like he's doing this shit on Instagram talking about Pete. Somebody's going to wind up dead. Dude, he's screaming about how Pete Davidson is a piece of shit and how he shouldn't be around his kids dude kanye's somebody's gonna kill pete davidson because of this shit it's fucked up get him a help get kanye west help i get it it's exciting when he goes off the medication and gets an album mode because you get a good album but motherfucker people, people are going to wind up dead. Isn't mental health a real thing? Don't you actually care about mental health awareness?

Then get fucking Kanye West, the most famous guy in the world, help, dude. Oh, why? Because nobody actually gives a fuck? Because you only care about money or the currency of victimization? because you only care about money or the currency of victimization. Oh, isn't that what it is? You just want to feel good about yourself by posting something, but not actually believing in it, right? Because it's funny when it happens to be Kanye West, because he's okay, because he's got $6 billion. Oh, because you're not treating Kanye West like a person.

The hypocrisy is absolutely unreal dude it's unreal i mean dude pete davidson or uh kanye west talk about how putting somebody in a show posting an instagram picture of somebody putting ving rames putting tyrese in a chokehold talking about Pete Davidson. Somebody's going to go out there and fucking kill Pete Davidson. It's so fucked up. And it's so sad. Get Kanye. Hey, someone who loves Kanye, get fucking Kanye West help. Like in all seriousness, dude, guy's fucking losing his mind. It's sad. Shit, man. I got to do funnier stuff. This sucks, dude. I didn't mean to get all nuts. How about this stupid commercial that fucking Facebook

thought was good a while ago? God, I can't even imagine these people that have just way too much money thinking that this is a good idea. Chairs. Already hate it. Chairs are made so that people can sit down and take a break

Just the pretense already You know Chairs You know what we'll do We'll take something simple And we'll make it seem like it matters more And this way people will be drawn in Because it's something that somebody uses every day

But we'll slap them over the face at the end But with how poignant we are That's how we'll do it And we're not even talking about love Or war Or famine We're talking about chairs them over the face at the end, but with how poignant we are. That's how we'll do it. We're not even talking about love or war or famine. We're talking about chairs. Isn't that quirky? Already sucks. Anyone can sit on a chair, and if the chair is large enough, they can sit down together. Worst part. And tell jokes or make up stories or just listen. The music, you know. Chairs are for people.

And that is why chairs are like Facebook. Oh, for fucking fuck's sake, dude. And that is why chairs are like Facebook. Okay, this is not even halfway done. This is embarrassing. Doorbells. Oh, more? Airplanes. Oh, God.

Bridges. Oh, Jesus. Condoms. Keychains. Keychains. Asians. Children with one leg. Amputees. Oh, God.

Dance floors. Oregano. People with mustaches. Cocaine. Meth with mustaches. Cocaine. Methamphetamine. Snorting Tabasco sauce. No. We're not.

There's seven billion people. Who we are. That we are not alone. God damn it. Facebook. There's 7 billion people. Who we are. That we are not alone. God damn it. Facebook. We suck. God.

How could they think that's a good idea? And look at the comments too. Wow, wow, wow. I love the VO performance. I love how connected she is to the ideas and the visuals. I mean, like, what? This is the kind of person who likes this fucking... This is the comment. Wow, wow, wow, wow. I love this VO performance. I love how connected she is to the ideas and the visuals i mean like what what this is the kind of person who likes this fucking this is the comment wow wow wow wow i love this vo performance i love how connected she is to the ideas and the visuals and her voice suddenly conveys the change in emotion at 116 the end

when she talks about the universe like dude this is the kind of person that just fucking buys the fuck that just drinks the the kool-aid all day long this is the kind of person that likes this commercial the kind of person who would make this commercial. And that kind of person is not many people. And that's why those people are like Facebook. Dude, so bad. That was directed by Alejandro Gonzalez in a Ritu. Wow, dude.

That's hilarious. They get the big... And it... Oh it and oh god dude trying to be so fucking this is how we all are and then they get the guy who directed fucking what was that movie with the no he did uh uh the revenant i don't know i, he makes some good movies, but Jesus Christ, that commercial. Why are all commercials bad? God, it's like they can't do, it's 30 seconds. Make it good. It's 30 seconds, dude.

Guys, that's our show for today. And if you want to keep listening and get the rest of the show, the uncut version of congratulations, go on over to patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Every month, there's an extra episode and we also have behind the scenes videos that are not released on the More Chrystalia channel and we have a review mode section that we do where we review stuff and

a lot of behind the scenes stuff and we have a discord that we chat on and it's really fun. Six bucks a month. Go on over to patreon.com slash chrystalia. Thanks a lot guys. Oh shit! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared the fuck out of me! I'm a motherfucker right here, a motherfucking child, a motherfucker! all good i'm ready to go