Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 243. Dogs Can't Be Immortal

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 🌲⌚️ Thank you Original Grain: Use code CONGRATS for 30% OFF OriginalGrain.com for the best watches, rings, sunglasses and more! In this week's episode Chris meets a witch hating pastor and a city council rapper from Plano, Texas. Also Arby's and Pusha T become the most gangster of the fast food world, and Chris picked up poo with his bare hand. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by Original Grain. Use code congrats at originalgrain.com to get 30% off the most fashionable watches made from reclaimed whiskey barrels, beer barrels, exotic woods, and even Taylor guitars. What? Yeah, dude, I said it. Taylor guitars. You're guaranteed to find something that fits your style. And if you don't, you're not fashionable, okay? They make the perfect gift as well. So whoopsie daisy, original grain, plants a tree for every watch they sell. So also, you want to be a good person?

Purchase it up. If you don't like it, they'll buy it back from you. Okay, so this is a win-win-win you ever heard of a win-win-win the thing i like actually are these sunglasses because you know me futures too bright but also check it out also dude the rings your boy's getting married so the ring dude popping um yeah so uh they make wedding rings, sunglasses, Apple Watch bands made from the same sustainably sourced materials. Make sure you use code congrats for 30% off originalgrain.com to support this podcast. Speaking of which, on with the episode. so that's what's up baby uh let's keep this song this song this is nice you know what i mean

kind of killing it we're keeping it real dude but also future's too bright so we're keeping it real uh yeah dude another episode of congratulations uh in the books dude right now i mean you're not for you you didn't listen to it yet but for me because it's through it's i'm through with it i'm through with it if you're listening to it i already did the episode that's how time works but uh yeah and that's what's up i had a good i've been you know things have been cool i've been doing shows and all that i got a show coming up in arizona phoenix arizona crystalia.com go to phoenix arizona go to crystalia.com go to uh the phoenix i'm going to bezona phoenix arizona crystalia.com go to phoenix arizona go to crystalia.com go to uh phoenix i'm going to be in phoenix arizona at the celebrity theater you can click

on the link crystalia.com phoenix i'm coming don't push me and then irvine we added a show a late show on thursday because your boy just keeps filling emcees so crystalia.com uh we're adding new new uh dates and all that stuff soon. Actually, they may be up here by the time this gets up there. No, they probably won't. But Phoenix, go see your boy chrislea.com. Anyway, merch, don't push me. Oops, grenade, chrislea.com.

It's all part of the process, dude. And you know me. I'm just keeping it alive, keeping it moving. I'm having a good time in life. I, uh, I went to go, well, I was getting ready for bed the other day, uh, with Kristen and every now and then she tries to bully me into going to sleep with her at like 10 30, but I don't want to, because, you know, I stay up late. I do stuff like I watch fucking TV shows. Like I'll watch just crazy. Like, well, I'll watch that thing on Boeing that's on Netflix, that thing on Boeing. I don't even know if it's on Netflix or not, but I started watching it. Boeing made the same mistake twice, nine months apart and killed like 300 people and they're still a company. So it's like, and why are they still a company? Because bags.

Yeah, but everyone died, but also bags. Got to keep it real though. It's bags that kept the company alive and also bags that killed those people. Just, I don't mean to start on a sour note, but it's true. Bags are the best and worst of us. And so bags can help you get from place to place, but also not everyone because some people die because of bags. But I'm keeping it real and I don't mean to keep it so real and be so harsh right off the bat. But that's the truth.

Anyway, dude, what are we going to do? Not take Boeing? Isn't it the only one that makes airplanes unless you're on the Cessna? Unless you want to travel like the Jetsons with that... I do that to get the food in my son's mouth. But anyway, so I'm watching that. And you know, I like to stay up late at night. And I'm also trying to watch The Thing About Pam. And it's terrible, yes, of course, but I like Renée Zellweger. So I'm trying to watch that. I'm also trying to watch the fucking crazy documentary with, what's his name?

Not Son of Sam. What's the other one? John Wayne Gacy, who I always thought was the creepiest serial killer because of that clown picture. Imagine that photographer taking it. By the way, he hired somebody to take that, to do a photo shoot with the clown outfit on. He hired someone. photo shoot with the clown outfit on he hired someone john mcgacy liked to hot liked to dress up as a clown and do clown makeup he said you know a lot of people unwind with like whiskey and drugs and pot not me i like to dress up in clown makeup and that's what he said he likes to

do to unwind that's more serial killer than killing a bunch of people that's more serial killer than killing a bunch of people. That's more serial killer than serial killing. Unwinding with clown makeup on? And he never even admitted that he did it. He's just like, well, that's what I got convicted for. But anyway, dude, so that's what I like to do. I like to stay up. I like to watch stuff like on John Wayne Gacy. I like to stay up.

I watch stuff about plane crashing and also, you know, lots of murder shit late at night I watch, right? Even if it's 2020 or Dateline or whatever, but lots of – I watch a lot of murder shit. And Chris is always like, I'm going to bed because she's like a fucking – you know, she's in her school teacher vibes, right? Because she's like trying to go to bed at like 10 o'clock so she can wake up early with, you know, and be a good mom and shit, which I respect it and I love it. And she's a great mommy and that's awesome, dude. But also like you're not going to drag your boy into school teacher territory. You're not, you're not, you're not going to drag fucking Johnny stays up later than you into fucking school teacher schedule mode. You know, that's not my shit, dude. My shit is

Johnny stays up later than you. Right. So while I'm staying up later than you, dude, I'm on my vampire shit. She's like, can we go to bed, and finally, so I, you know, I give in, dude, because you don't want to argue, and so I give in, and not that we're gonna argue, but I give in, right, so I gave in once, and I went to go to sleep, and all of a sudden, I walk up to my side of the bed, and I go over to it, and I'm like, oh, shit, there's like a, what the fuck, like Like there's a banana peel on the side of the bed. Like just, I guess Cal was eating a banana or something and just, you know how you take, I don't know if you've ever seen like a banana peel, like 30 minutes after you're done with

it. If you leave it out, it's like, I don't know how it dies so quickly. Like it's so fucking decayed brown. Like we have so many banana, because Cal wakes up and he says, oh, no, no, no, no, no, and so we give him a banana, and he eats half of it, puts it down, and then all of a sudden, there's like this brown fucking decayed banana peel, and I'm like, this is so gross, and we throw it away, so there what is, right, there's a decayed brown banana peel next to my bed, now, who knows how long it's been there because it's nighttime.

Right. It's nighttime. And the bananas are only eaten on the first part of the day. So this decayed banana peel has been there for a long time because banana peels become brown. You know, the whole saying banana peels come become brown after 30 minutes. They after 30 minutes. after 30 minutes that's a saying and so i go to say i say oh babe what the fuck man you you gave banana you gave you gave calvin a banana peel you gave calvin a banana and you left the banana peel out here and i go down to grab it and i go to pick it up and it's stuck to the carpet because it's gross because the banana is sticking to the carpet.

And then I go down to grab it again. And then Kristen says, Hey, don't do that, honey. That's shit. It was shit. It wasn't a banana peel. It was clumps of shit. It wasn't a banana peel. It was clumps of shit. I was trying to pick up shit with no gloves. I was trying to pick up shit with no fucking pooper scooper.

I was just picking up shit like it was some M&M's. Oh, it was gross, dude. My worst part was Kristen watched me do the whole fucking thing from jump. She saw me try to pick it up one time and then try to pick it up again. And then after that was the time she decided to say, hey, honey, don't pick that up. It's shit. What about the first time? Yont your hubby touching shit got a quick question for you fiance yont your hubby touching shit all good if you do but please admit it right now

for the courtroom yont your hubby touching shit so now I'm shitty hands, I'm the new Dick Tracy villain shitty hands, and I'm fucking pissed, and then I say, what the fucking shit, and then she says, you thought it was a banana peel, and now I look like a fucking asshole, I look like an asshole because we didn't have the conversation about how banana peels look all brown in like five minutes. So now I'm like, God damn it. I got shit on my hands and I'm walking to the fucking bathroom to wash my hands naturally. And she says, ew, you just go to pick it up without investigating it. And I said, I thought it was a banana peel. And she said, it was way too small to be a banana peel. And you know what? God damn it. She's right. But I thought she picked up some of it and

left the other one that was left to other pieces that were dirty because she didn't get all of it because she didn't care but so then i go to wash my hands i get the toilet paper and i'm like i gotta clean this shit up why i said why didn't so you knew shit was here and she was like i don't know and i was like well no if you knew she was here why didn't you clean it up and she said the most honest thing that anyone has ever said in the history of honest things she said well i kind of noticed it a while ago but then tried to put it up. Ah. I noticed it earlier, but kind of was pretending I didn't

because I didn't want to admit to myself. That's what she said. I didn't want to admit to myself that there was shit on the floor. Ah. So now I got to ask you. That's fine, but you want your hubby to have shit on his hands

dude so now i'm all pissed and now i'm cleaning i grabbed toilet paper she's like what are you doing i'm like well i gotta clean the fucking shit off the thing and then i noticed like there's splotches of it on the rug like and just like sam or butters or chenzo was just dotting it they were just putting their anus down on the rug and they weren't even doing the dragon thing they were just like walking a little bit and then just sitting dotting the rug with some shit just walking a little bit

further just dotting the fucking rug with some shit like they were like worried that they were never going to find their way back Butters and Sam just you know all we have to do is follow the shit dots yeah yeah or just actually go to fucking chris is yelling so chris is yelling about fucking having shit in his hands just follow the screams so that's what happened so i had shit all

over my hands and i had to wash it and then i'm completely up and I'm like, you wanted me to go to bed like a fucking school teacher. There's no way in hell now. I'm all fucking heated with shit on my hands. So anyway, the shit dots are still there, by the way. I don't know. I want to use like fucking reshovenator or something to clean it up or Johnny Marks, whatever I use for my shoes. But she won't even fucking, I don't even know if they're clean. And the cleaners are going to come by and they're just going to be like, that's not, that's not for us.'t even fucking, I don't even know if they're clean and the cleaners are going to

come by and they're just going to be like, that's not, that's not for us. That's not, we don't do that. We just tidy. We tidy. We don't scrape shit off rugs. So I know that that's going to happen. So whatever, dude, it's fine.

You know, it's like you live and you learn. And also you got to keep moving. You got to keep moving. No matter how much shit's on your hand, you got to keep moving. You got to keep moving. Um, yeah, I watched this bad vegan thing this show bad vegan um on uh is it on netflix yeah it was like people are like if you like the tinder swindler you'll love bad vegan and it's like well i didn't really like this tinder swindler everyone it's one of those things dude and maybe

i'm i don't i'm not a hater dude but like okay tinder swindler like dude all right so also and i made this thing where it was like you know you could google it i talk about on one of the other pocket on one of the other episodes but it's like yeah also the tinder swindled you but also don't give someone twenty thousand dollars after you give them eighty thousand dollars that's the golden rule you know the golden rule where they're like do unto others as others do what you want to be done to you by the way i don't believe in that rule i don't believe in the golden rule right what's the golden rule do unto others as you want to be done to yourself or whatever the fuck that it trails off i don't know but honestly that rule is bullshit because how do i know how you want to

be treated oh i'm so egotistical that i'm going to treat you how i want to be treated. Oh, I'm so egotistical that I'm going to treat you how I want to be treated. Some people like to get spit on, like gets, dude, there's videos out there. I was on the porn. I was deep in porn the other day. And there was a dude just sitting there with his arms behind his back and some lady smoking a cigarette and fucking booting his nuts and anus. Oh, excuse me. That's not for me in case you come across me and you want to do the golden rule on me but you like getting fucking booted to the nuts and anus i'm okay with that you understand the golden rule could go fuck itself. How about this is the golden rule. Do unto me as you know about my history and you think I want to be done to. Okay?

Dude, there's motherfuckers out there that like, you know, want their fingers down their throats and shit. It's like their kink. It ain't mine. Don't boot my nuts just because you like it. You ever heard of the pain Olympics? No, I'm not into it. So now the golden rule is fucking, you know, don't give someone $20,000 after you give them $80,000, especially with all these fucking things.

So they're like, if you like with all these documentaries out now, they're making so many documentaries, documentaries that jumped the shark. It's like, if you like the Tinder swindler, all right, fine. But what about nobody's responsible for this shit? Yeah, this guy's a piece of shit, but nobody's responsible? You're just forking over money? Like, because quote unquote, people are after them? Dude, imagine someone comes up to you, even a friend, even a friend.

And then like, someone's after me give me 25k what the fuck do you think you would say to your friend and by the way twist it what the fuck do you think your friend would say to you fuck no dude start a gofund me so i'm watching Bad Vegan because someone's like, if you like Tinder, it's always the second one that comes out that everyone pretends to like more because everyone loved the first one

and they're like, they want to be a little bit different about it, right? You know what I'm talking about? It's like the same energy as the people who are like, oh yeah, well I was the one, I actually knew that band way before their album came out.

Same energy, dude. Same fucking energy, dude. You know when I like the bands? After everyone knows them and i ain't ashamed of shit dude i just found out about coldplay okay so um so anyway like i'm watching the bad vegan and i'm watching this thing and i'm like yeah this guy's like being a piece of shit and trying to like get money from this chick and they're interviewing this chick who's like this vegan has this pure luck pure food fucking daily what the hell it's called i don't know vegan places always have the worst fucking names it's either like it's either like real food, raw, organic, or like golden lucky pot.

And it's like just, you know, can't it just be like Frank's? Frank's food, Frank's, Frank's. It's always like some cute shit or like the most basic shit. So I'm getting, so I'm watching bad vegan. And this woman is like, it's, what is it? Like four episodes, five episodes, this woman who owns the place who got swindled, right? The vegan swindler. She got swindled from this guy that was like, like he was a lunatic. He had mental problems, but like, you know, just covered it with charisma and charm, I guess.

And he was like, I'm going to need some money because there's this whatever. I don't even know what you would call it, a faction out there. Or there's these people that decide on who gets to be. You know what? I don't even know how he put it, but he ended up saying, like, if you want your dog to live forever and be immortal, you got to keep giving me money so I can put it in a place. And you got to follow my rules so your dog can be immortal. And she just says, okay. You know?

She's just like, okay, this is the first episode. She's like, well, I wanted my dog to be immortal. So, and it didn't like go and then go like, it didn't even, nothing happened except they were just documenting her saying this. And she's like, yeah, I want to, he made me think my dog was going to be immortal and he psychologically abused me. And I'm just like, okay, I'm waiting for the documentary to be like, hey, say it's her fault though, right? We can all agree, right?

Because if someone's like, give me $80,000 and you're like, no, and then they're like, okay, but don't you want your dog to be immortal? And then you're like, the first thing you don't think say think is oh thanks for confirming you're a lunatic and you just say okay here's the money that's on you right and now we're making documentaries not just about fucking psychological abusers but hey hey, how about documentaries now? I've jumped the shark because we're making documentaries about gullible bitches.

Hey, man, this is like, and everyone's like this motherfucker. Everyone's like this motherfucker psychologically. No, this documentary is about a guy with a match. This documentary is about a woman that met a guy that was ass-sad and sat to lunch that she thought she could pay $100,000. Actually, $1.5 million was the total sum at the end of it. To keep her dog. From the afterlife.

Okay. Oops. We made a mistake as humanity, right? So don't be doing that, okay? So I'm done with these documentaries, these psychological abusers that fucking, by the way, where's your responsibility, huh? Where do you come into play, huh? I'm done with the gullible documentary. I'm done with it. Yeah, I didn't know. I had no idea.

Oh, you didn't have an idea. When he said fly to Rome and await further instructions, and you stayed there for months on end calling him why am i here and he said i can't tell you that wasn't your sign like you're some fucking like you know have you been held a dossier you own a fucking vegan place you're not a spy who Who are you, fucking Ethan Hunt? This isn't Mission Impossible. By the way, they made nine, okay? It's not really that impossible anymore. He gets it done. Should just be called Missions.

But, dude, I mean, I'm done with gullible bitches documentaries. I'm just done with it, dude. I never knew. You didn't know? Come on, dude. I never knew. You didn't know? Come on, dude. You knew. This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. How often do you compare yourself to others?

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terms apply they're not all ted bundy that guy was handsome as shit smiling looking in your eyes every other serial killer looks like fucking the the the the guy in um napoleon dynamite the fucking skinny one with the mustache every other serial killer looks like that you didn't know they're not all ted bundy look at john wayne gacy dressed up in a clown and did photo shoots they should have locked them up that day that that's against the law that should be against the law yeah well no but it's like 98 of the time it's true they are fucking actual they do fucking kill young boys if that's what they do for leisure they said he liked to unwind by putting on by putting on fucking clown makeup so you know he obviously murdered more than 30

boys let's check his let's check his crawl spaces come on dude the fucking the the the ego on john wayne gacy unbelievable that you should lock anybody up who uses three names anyway john Dude, the fucking, the ego on John Wayne Gacy, unbelievable. You should lock anybody up who uses three names anyway, John Wayne Gacy. Like, get the fuck out. That's so cocksucky. And also, they were tailing him because there was, like, mystery around him. And, dude, he would walk out to the cops across the street and he'd be like, are you guys cops? And they'd be like, well, we're just doing what we're told to. And he'd be like, why don't you come in for dinner?

Dude, he'd bring like are you guys cops and they'd be like well we're just doing what we're told to and he'd be like why don't you come in for dinner dude he'd bring him into dinner and then and then the cops like smelled death when he turned on the heat because there were bodies underground near the fucking heater and that was how they got their warrant their search warrant and then they found 33 17 year old boys bones in his fucking crawlspace. The ego on serial killers, dude. They think they know that the cops aren't going to find the shit out? Unbelievable. So anyway, Bad Vegan, they should fucking change that documentary to Gullible Bitch. And also, dude, the fucking chick is like, I'm out of here. I thought social media is so toxic.

It's like, yeah, dude. Dogs can't be immortal. And there's our episode title. But they can't, though, dude. They ever try to stab his dog all over again? Over and over again, they die. I didn't. I never done it, but I'm pretty sure.

This is the most gangster shit, dude. Finally, a company that doesn't give a fuck for real dude and we should have known all along it was going to be arby's we should have known all along that that shit was going to be arby's dude you know why because arby's is gangster do you know why because arby's uh is so um like who goes to Arby's? Right? Have you met, by the way, have you ever met somebody that went to Arby's?

If you have, then, you know, you're so, if you know some, like, it's like this. The people who go to Arby's now, for sure, Midwestern is fuck, right?

Even if the Arby's are in L.A. Like if you know somebody that has been to an Arby's, you are from the Midwest. If you know someone who knows someone that is from Arby's, you might not be from the Midwest, like 80% chance. And then if you know someone who you know someone who you know someone who went to Arby's like 60 it keeps dropping and dropping and dropping it's like the six degrees of kevin bacon it's like the six degrees of arby's right um so they had to do something they had to get out of that fucking bubble dude because mcdonald's is worldwide right burger king that be worldwide taco bell be worldwide arby's might be worldwide but it's not really in the lexicon right when you mentioned fast food you don't think of Arby's.

Well, they changed all that. Finally, somebody did a fucking gangster shit. They took Pusha T, who used to do shit for McDonald's, and made a diss track on a commercial for Arby's against McDonald's. Can I even play it? I don't know.

Maybe we can. If it flags us, put this on the Patreon. I'm the reason the whole world love it. Now I gotta crush it. Filet-O-Fish is shit. Then you should be disgusted. If it flags us, put this on the Patreon. Shit. They bleep it out. Yeah. And it's good, dude.

I'll listen to it and get dumb. Listen to this song and get dumb, guys. Yeah. Nice. God, he's good. Look. Yep. This is the best part right here He put in a coke reference

He put in a coke reference He put in a fucking coke reference He put in a fucking reference About cocaine on a fucking worldwide Mason commercial. Push the T. That's why they call him Pusha. Because he pushes the limit. Dude, oh, he pushed the fucking coke reference into a goddamn 30-second RB spot. They're going to run on TV.

Dude, and that's what you need to do now I've been saying this shit companies need to grab some nuts but they fucking nutted up didn't they Arby's nutted it up Arby's fucking straight up grabbed their nuts and just

looked at these motherfucking corporate bitches and was like you know what fuck it dude let's make a diss corporate bitches and was like, you know what? Fuck it, dude. Let's make a diss track. Whoever, and I'm telling you now all of a sudden Arby's is in the conversation. Dude, Arby's wasn't in the conversation before this dropped and now it is and it's just like. We wanted it all along. This is what we wanted from corporate America all along.

Now, don't get mistaken. They're still just trying to sell sauce and their own fish biscuits. But still, though, this is a move towards greatness. And when Arby's wanted to be in the discussion, I just simply go like this. You worked a Coke reference into a mainstream commercial So Pusha T is the killer dude

Pusha T is the McDonald's killer Didn't he come up with like fucking Ba-da-ba-ba-ya or some shit He came up with some jingle for McDonald's and they didn't pay him So he made a diss track for the other By the way they weren't even the competitor But now they are McDonald's answer get Bun B on a track.

Dude, answer. Pay Jay-Z. Pay motherfucking Drake. Pay him. Fuck that. I'll go in and eat all Arby's now. I'm going to eat all the fucking Arby's. I wonder if I can play that commercial on the shit.

You think I can? Dude, I need to fucking eat all the Arby's. That's so dope that they did that. And he worked a Coke reference in it. Just next one should just be, you know me, snorting up all the Coke at Arby's. That's so dope that they did that. And he worked a Coke reference in it. Just next one should just be, you know, me snorting up all the Coke at Arby's. Boom, boom, boom, brought my hook of the Arby's and she had my Coke. Boom, boom, boom, took my dick out and started pissing all over. Boom, boom, boom. I'm with Alex Jones, and we fucking hate,

we hate everyone that's not us. A-boom, boom, boom. The vaccine is fake. It doesn't work at all. A-boom, boom, boom. Dude, are you kidding me? Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. This is the shit that needs to happen i'm telling you it's on its way

anyway you can push it you you can or you can try to make pretend like it's not gonna push like you could go ahead and you could keep making your fucking stupid charming commercials with the purple bear or you can act like these motherfuckers are coming for your head. And one's true and one's not. Mike Tyson made gummy ears. Okay? Because he beat Evander Holyfield. How the fuck do you think Evander Holyfield feels about that? Probably pretty bad. If he even understands that it's happening.

Because he's been boxed to the fucking head his whole life. And shakes a lot. But Mike Tyson was like, yeah, I ate his his ear let's put out gummy cbd ears okay so you can act like the shit's not coming but it's coming i'm telling you in fucking five to ten years there's going to be a commercial where somebody fucking literally stabs someone or like you know oh no how, oh no, there's a fucking peeping Tom and he's jerking off in my window, what the fuck? And it's going to be like an ADT commercial.

ADT, we're here for you. If guys be jerking off outside in your plant, we're here for you. Boom, boom, boom. Enough with the guys outside jerking off. Boom, boom boom boom enough with the guys outside jerking off boom boom boom alex jones is this shit um so anyway it's like you you can hurt people you there's you got it it's only nice if you can hurt people's feelings man i hate to say it but that's where the bags, that's where the most bags are. The second you play it safe and play it too calm, I saw a flyer the other day and it said like, what the fuck was it?

It was like, for safe comedy during these hard times. And it was just like, huh? But comedy. Huh? But hold on. Someone wants a word. Let them in. Hi guys. Who are you? I'm comedy. Can I join? Not on this show. This Plano, Texas fucking dude, right? God, this guy. Let me pull it up.

Plano, Texas. Now the greatest rapper from Plano, Texas is a fucking... This clip, first of all... I'm the proof when I'm in a booth spitting on the mic. It's anti-vax. Putin hates all of them blacks. Putin is a bad racist. Put him in the ground white or brown.

And I'm in plain old town. And you know you just got found. I'm a pimp. I'm on a blimp. It's Lassus taking shrimp. Oh, God, you know. First of all, so out of breath immediately. Dude.

I'm on a blimp. I'm a pimp on a blimp, you know. First of all, so out of breath immediately. Dude. I'm a pimp on a blimp, you know. The worst fucking rap of all time. I'm a pimp on a blimp. Sounds like 2 Chainz, huh? No, you can't stop my shine. I'm number 99. And you know I grind and shine. this is a city council meeting guys whoops forgot to say that this is a city council meeting and he's just dressed like somebody at a city council and he's white as shit nobody's in the audience that he's white as shit. Nobody's in the audience that he's doing this.

Violent. The most violent thing ever said is a city council meeting. Put a bullet in Putin's brain. So derailing. Back up, dude. you and i love to ride and grind all the time and you got that sanitizer and you know i got that pfizer like back up you fucking idiot put a bullet in put this brain so out of breath dude wow how much is this guy gonna die in five years and then we're gonna to be like, remember that guy? Oh, fuck, that was that guy? Not a pimp. Not a pimp. God, look at how bored everyone is.

The old white people are just like, not getting elected. Oh, he's taking his shirt off now. Not getting elected. Yes, price is way too high. Vladimir needs to die. Oh, he's taking his shirt off now. He's a blazer. Take my picture. I'm a winner. I'm going to eat you for dinner. Okay.

I just want to say, I love you. We need to take out Vladimir Putin. Like Lindsey Graham said, thank you, Mary Mullins. I appreciate the time. Peace. God bless you all. Prime time's done on Instagram all prime time on Instagram thank you we got you down

one person the next oh wow the next speaker is Brian Wellington oh Brian Callen dude this is unreal dude I'm a pimp I'm a pimp

so bad dude oh my god Dude, this is unreal, dude. I'm a pimp. I'm a pimp. You know? So bad, dude. Oh, my God. Wow. Well, he's famous now. And now, you know what? Oh, God. How annoying is that guy probably?

I don't even know what to say about a guy like that, honestly. I was like, oh, this will be good for the podcast. Just imagine that guy going home after that. Just was like, oh, this will be good for the podcast. And I was like, what? Like, just imagine that guy going home after that, just like in his car, shirt off. And like, because he took his blazer off because he went to go home. And he was like, oh, I fucking sweated when I did that rap.

And then he's in the car. And so he blasted the fucking air conditioning. And then he's like, oh, actually, it's fucking, I shouldn't have took my blazer off. Now I'm actually cold. And then he's fucking driving home and he can't get the air right. And I'm like, this is the shit he's thinking of now. And the fact that he just fucking embarrassed himself in front of everybody at the city council meeting.

And then like just went home and just, you know, he slept like a fucking baby that night. That's what I love thinking about. baby that night. That's what I love thinking about. I love how this fucking woman, mother of 34, is left red-faced after drunkenly ordering an Uber XL to Ukraine to help out, but thankfully the £4,700 payment bounced because of insufficient funds

in her account. Mother of two, Leonie Fieldes, 34, from Greater Manchester, and a pal were talking about conflict in Ukraine on a night out while drinking a few double pink gins and shots of Shambuca. And they wanted to fucking go to help out. Imagine her going

in her heels on the dress from that night out. Just how drunk do you... This is... See, this is where... This is what your fucking... This is what all your fucking black squares and pray for the Ukraine tweets are doing. This is what all your black squares on Instagram do. They make mothers of 34 think that they can actually take a fucking Uber XL to Ukraine and do what?

What you going to do? Give suck jobs? What's helping the Ukraine? Yeah, you might still get fucking blasted in the head, but blast in my mouth first. Oh, sorry for all the bullets whizzing by, but you want a sock job? What's she going to do with her fucking clack-clack heels and clack-clacking mimosas?

Hey, what's up, Ukraine? Did you guys want it to be helped? Oh, my God, it's so dusty what the fuck hey ukraine hey ukraine you you what's your name that is your name vladimir too it's like two guys vladimir vladimir putin and vladimir volinsky hey just like vladimir putin vladimir galinsky are you vladimir Like, what the fuck? Whoa. Bullet.

Oh, my God. Everyone almost died. Hey, why is it so dusty? Is this inside or outside? You want a suck job? Hey, Vladimir. My name is not Vladimir. Fine.

I'm going to suck off any Vladimir I meet. My name is Vladimir. Okay. Okay. Woo. What kind of music? Can you put some music on? We are not allowed to listen to music. Also, there are no speakers left.

What? Put on Sonos. There has not been Sonos seen here yet. We don't have. We were going to maybe have Sonos, and then all other work broke out. You're in a suck job? Yes. Oh, my God.

Where can we do it, though? You know, it's still hard to get her. You know, she drove over to do it, but it's still hard because fucking chicks are always like, yeah. And then they're like, well, yeah, but, you know. You're in a suck job? Yes, absolutely, 100%. I don don't know you seem like not sure chicks are unreal dude i don't know though is this inside or outside the the walls have been exploded because we are at war are Are you going to give me suck job or not? Oh, God, where's the drinks? We haven't had drinks for a long time.

We are in war. Oh, my God, what is that, birthmark? I have been shot. Oh, my God, it hurts. Let's get you to help. Can I just have my suck job, please? Can't connect with the Sonos. Just tanks and shit oh my god it's so loud what the fuck they just ran over my cousin oh my god is that a fucking humvee

i love that color it's like it's like green but like brown on it I love how color is like green But like brown on it That's dirt bitch Are you going to suck me off Can I get money for Uber back Where do you live London town

Dude I hate when people say fucking London town I heard somebody say London town the other day Just like fucking call it London dude Like London town Like you know how fucking cock sucking that is Like London town dude Like New York City There's New York and then New York City

Call it London city London town is so cock dude Where are you from? I'm from London town Oh London? Yes actually yes that is what that is but mother of two where did mom go huh where did mom go, she's been out late last night. Let me look at her Find My App. Find My fucking... Find My App. What?

The dad. What the fuck? Oh, the fuck? She's in the Ukraine? Is she abducted? Tried to FaceTime her. Oh my God, hold on. Put your penis away. Hey, what's up? Where are you honey Are you inside or outside

I don't know I met this fucking guy His name is Vladimir and he won't leave me alone Bitch you said you'd suck dick What did he say He won't leave me alone Why are you in the Ukraine darling Because I'm trying to help out Oh my god look at the fucking colour of that car

Are you going to suck me off Who are you with Because I'm trying to help out. Oh my god, look at the fucking color of that car. Are you going to suck me off? Who are you with? Who are you with, darling? Are you going to suck someone off? I keep hearing someone saying suck someone off. I'm glad to meet you. I wanted to suck him off, but he doesn't really seem like he wants to. I will say again, I 100% want you to suck me off. And then he just doesn't really seem like he wants to i i will say again i 100 want you to suck me

off and then he just doesn't really seem like into it dude i'm a pimp guys screaming um just i that's so funny to think of Ukrainian soldiers just like, this is fucking such bullshit. It was hard enough trying to stay alive and fucking, I watch all my cousins die and now I have to deal with this bitch that promised me blowjob, that not giving it to me. I keep telling her I 100% want,

but she's saying, oh, I'm not that interested. I don't know how to fucking show her more interest. want but she's saying oh i'm not that interested i don't know how to fucking show her more interest i had to watch my cousin die and now i can't get blowjob from good bitch who promised me blowjob um anyway crazy crazy crazy you see this tesla jumping the fucking i saw it on foos gone wild which is hilarious foos gone wild on the instagram oh fuck Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

That is the worst idea, dude. This, you know how you get those worst idea? The silence from everyone around it. They didn't go, oh. Oh, my God, dude. This car just fucking... Oh, my God, dude. This is crazy You know what it's like

Someone needs to put this to the You know that fucking shit Where it's all of a sudden they're in the outer space Dude that is unreal That thing took off like I had wings dude Why the fuck did they do this? Wow. We had a technical thing there.

We had to fucking... Well, technically, we had a technical thing. Technically, I had to take a pee-pee. So now I'm back. This is the thing i wanted to find i can't believe i forgot about this this pastor greg lock dude pastor's got some egos huh threatened to expose the six witches who are members of this church here we go we got first and last names or six witches that there you go there everyone goes should be going like this okay we gotta go

we gotta go i mean dude imagine like the seriousness he's saying look this is the next thing this is what you hear after this this is what got first and last names of six witches grab my purse we gotta go that are in our church and you know what's strange three of you are in this room right now no they're not dude there are not three of you witches of the six witches in the room right now because there are not witches in this room because there are not witches. We all know that. Let's continue. Bitch, how we did it, dude.

The hop. We did it, dude. The hop. When he fucking did the microphone and the thing, dude. Unbelievable. That's the most. Dude, that hop was so bitch, dude. I mean, I can watch it on a loop, dude.

Wow, man. We got to see that again. We got to see the whole lead up. The most bitch hop of all time. Well, hops are always bitch, honestly, for real. But Jesus Christ, this bitch ass hop and how he tapped the fucking podium. Oh, my God, dude. I live for shit like this, dude. We got first.

Feeling himself. I love it. And last name. I love it because he's going like this you know what dude i know what i'm saying is controversial and the mainstream doesn't understand that there's witches and they might be sniffing out some insecurity on my end so what i'm going to do is double down on it be so confident and and so he starts speaking with such utmost confidence gets a little bit carried away

and taps the podium while does a fucking bitch hop and that's when the inner bitch is exposed the inner bitch is always exposed if you're Cincy it's coming out if you're from Cincinnati you can go to any state you want but you can't remove the Cincy

from yourself. And that's on God. Or six witches. Come on, we got to watch it from the beginning, dude. First and last names are six witches that are in our church. Here we go.

And you know what's strange? Three of you are in this room right now. Well, the whole thing's strange, but here we go. Smash! Three of you in this room right now here we go three of you in the room right now you better look in my eyeballs we ain't afraid of you you stinking witch you devil worshipping satanist witch we cast you out

in the name of Jesus Christ we break your spells we break your curse we got your first name We got your first name. We got your last name. We even got an address for one of you. WWE. This is unbelievable, dude.

Unbelievable. We even got your address for one of you. Didn't know how to end it. Unbelievable, dude. Why is he wearing a fucking Hogwarts shirt? Dude, unbelievable. Why is he wearing a fucking hogwarts shirt dude unbelievable why is he from hogwarts is he from slytherin dude this is unbelievable the guitars in the back you know dude this whole clip is fucking unreal dude the fucking submit that's the most

bitch shit i've seen in 2022 and and I'm saying, hands down, that's on God, dude. Let's see the rest of it. I watched the beginning of it and I saved the rest of the podcast because I want to get the honest reaction. You stinking witch! You were sent to this church to destroy us! You were sent to this church to lure us in! You were sent to this church to cast spells!

Also, also, also, dude, the three of the people that are the witches, they don't even know they're the witches. Everyone's just looking around like, I wonder who he means. And it's,

one of them is you. Dude, so focused on getting these three witches. Also, where are the other three witches? Get them all. Don't be so fucking is it lackadaisical or lackadaisical some of you been sick cause you befriended

that witch two of you in my wife's ladies bible study and you know who you are and we gonna ask you to get out oh dude they fucking he flirted with him and she told his wife about it and now he's fucking doing it like this oh dude and two of them said about my wife's bible study and you gotta get out, he flirted with him and she told his wife about it. And now he's fucking doing it like this. Oh, dude.

And two of them said about my wife's Bible study. And they were like, well, you got to get out. Dude, he flirted with him because he said, well, boy, don't. He said, don't those. Because this is what he said to both of them. And it didn't work. Well, don't those hush puppies look nice in that shirt? All exposed.

It didn't work with one. They go, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then the other one went, oh, my God. And then fucking, he's like, well, you're witches. And everybody, we got all six of their names they say them oh six of them two of them had already been confirmed for that thing ever even said it no hates the two of them so much the way he fucking goes

he goes like this holy shit this guy's on fire oh just one person yeah first and last night this chick is new to our church and don't know none of you more is more disrespectful to call her a chick like that than fucking call her a stinking witch you got a choice you can leave with your spells all by yourself or i'll show up next sunday with a stage full of brooms and i'll give you one and i'll fly your tail up out of this place in the name of jesus but we ain't playing your spell casting witchcraft nonsense sage burning Sage burning games Everybody okay? Witches are like, nope And your little dog too

You're out, witch Wow, dude That guy had the fucking greatest childhood of all time And just thinks everything he says is so dope Dude, it's so Bro, the fucking First of all, don't need a stage full of brooms, you know? If there's only six of them.

And only two showed up. Bring two. Unbelievable. What did he say here at the end, though? Games. Everybody okay? Knows you went too far. Witches are like, nope.

Stand up. And your little dog, too. You're out. Witch. Killing it. Unbelievable, dude. You're out. Killing it. Witch. Killing it. Unbelievable, dude. This guy is just. Who are the witches?

Can you tell us? Who are the people that believe this? You're out. You're out. who is this guy greg lock dude if i were there i swear to you i would stand up and be like yo i'm one what if he was just like we don't want you here get your spells out of here and i and a fucking light beam just was coming out of his mouth dude then i would then i would believe there were witches there meeple orphan gin desert orphan and all of a sudden those fucking that like the the fucking uh on the eyes wide shut with the fucking black cloaks and the fucking dick noses come in.

Mimps, la-mi-snail-la-f-la-na-la-la-la just grabbing titties and fucking mimps-la-ma-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la mimps-la-ma-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Remember that shit? I love that movie, dude. Makes no sense. Love movies that make no sense. Fucking hate when movies try to make sense, dude. It's so annoying when a movie tries to be linear and make sense

because it doesn't anyway. So make fucking Eyes Wide Shut and that's it, dude. I said it and it's Chris D'Elia so you know who did it. Eyes Wide Shut. Fuck yeah, dude. If David Lynch didn't do it, then I'd fucking, good morning, you know. Hi, the weather in L weather in LA today is sunny. Dude, David Lynch is on his website, and he does fucking weather reports.

Dude, we have the weather reports for weather reports. Or you could just open a window. David Lynch makes no sense, and that's my favorite living director. Dude, the blue cube in Mulholland Drive. What does it mean i'm in dude love non-linear movies that make no sense with fucking crazy fucking witches behind dumpsters that come out and steal your soul well it you know i even like the bad ones dude

lost highway i like it he likes lost highway what the fuck dude oh but who's in that bill pullman i can't even bill pullman and patricia arquette oh those two people should never be in a movie together nothing could be more 90s oh bill pulling bill pulling and patricia arqu you're going to put them in the movies? Dude. All right. Well, I guess that's good, huh? I guess we're at Phoenix.

I'm coming, ChrisLea.com. Irvine, California, ChrisLea.com. Go get your Don't Push Me merch and show up to the shows with them. And also, wear the Don't Push Me merch and the Oops merch and all of the merch, the Life Rip shit, at all the comedian shows. That's how you let them know this cult is a fucking thing, dude. This is the cult. And this is a movement, dude. You're either with me or against me at this point.

And if you're with me, it's us. It's us, dude. We're a pimp in the blimp. And you get with us and all your dogs will be immortal. Do you understand me? Hey guys, that's the end of the episode for YouTube. But if you want to catch the rest of the episode, go on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And for six bucks a month, you can not only watch the rest of this episode, you can watch the rest of every episode that's ever been made since Patreon.

And you can also get the back episodes that you've missed that are still on Patreon. And what are there? There's like 12 now. Dude, six bucks. Watch it up. There's also review mode the segment that we do there's behind the scenes stuff footage and a discord that we all chat on get involved patreon.com thanks guys Sound, sound, sound.