Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 245. Mini Minded

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris discusses how great The Batman is, and how terrible the name Michael Morbius is. He also has a son that walks backwards and has some admittedly late thoughts about the Oscars. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of americam express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Congratulations. Here we are once again, and let's just first, before we get into everything, just promote the dates. Phoenix, I opened up a whole nother show phoenix it's all fucking it's all said and done you the boy went bonkers nutty filling up some seats on the first show at the celebrity theater so he added another show the good seats may not still be available now that this shit already since i recorded it but it's all it's available right now. Go to ChrisDelia.com and come on, Phoenix. Come

see your boy. Don't push me. Come see your boy at the Celebrity Theater. Fill up that second show. Get those butts in them seats. Oh, God. Damn it. But yeah, dude, Johnny fills them up. Sounds sexual. All good, but it's not. I meant seats. So we did that. I got the

Oops merch is live right now and the Don't Push Me merch, man. Show up to my shows. Wearing the that. I got the Oops merch is live right now and the Don't Push Me merch, man. Show up to my shows. We're in the shit. We got shows in Irvine coming up this weekend, but it's all sold out. Can't get tickets anymore. See you in Phoenix. But show up to Phoenix.

But most importantly, show up to everyone else's shows, the other comedians in my merch, because that's how we let them know that these babies are still alive, my baby. Oh, God. But for real, though. So that's how we let them know that these babies are still alive my baby oh god but for real though so that's what's up subscribe and uh like the chat like the channel dude it really helps make friends in the comments let's try to get them comments up and activate that algorithm baby dude i'll tell you what right now before i uh took this uh before i took this fucking uh before i'm over here taking this fucking show for a jog, that's what I'm saying. Before I'm up here taking this episode for a fucking brisk walk, I fucking cut my shit. I got another beard trimmer because what happens is they keep breaking.

If you don't have a beard trimmer that keeps breaking, you ain't really trimming your beard now, are you? So I did it, and now there's a piece of hair right here somewhere that keeps poking me in the collarbone. And yes, dude! Is it the most annoying thing? Yes, dude! But do we keep rolling we do but it's so fucking annoying because it's basically just like this is what it's doing the whole time the whole time i can't figure out where it is and it's pissing me off yes dude here's a here's a hair but did i get

it i got it but that's probably not the right one yes dude constant annoyance you have to when you shave when you cut when you trim your shit you got, when you trim your shit, you got to go directly into the shit. I don't know if chicks know this. I don't know if women know this. As a man, when you cut your beard, what you got to do immediately after that is dive into a pool. Otherwise you're fucked.

Dude, hairs are everywhere. All the time, all in your neck. I mean, yeah, it kind of happens when you get your haircut, when you sit in that chair and you get the hair cut But mostly What it does Mostly what happens is when you cut your beard You gotta take a shower immediately right after or dive into a river

You know what you gotta do You gotta get under a waterfall and just fucking let it cascade All over your shit where it glistens over your chest And fucking You know over those fucking Over that washboard tummy because we all have those but yeah dude uh we're here and we're doing it and uh we got that shit another with chris episode is up hiking it's fucking doing stupid number it's dude it's doing fucking stupid numbies dude

so anyway we do stupid numbies that's what we do here um so you activate that algorithm and help out and like and destroy that fucking Wine and dine that like button you know what I mean But whatever dude I did I cut my beard and a little bit And you know I don't know what length to keep it You know I didn't realize during the pandemic I let it grow really really long and kind of

That became the thing and then I saw a picture of me Like three years ago and I kept it Kind of cool I kept it kind of like clean There I just kept it like peeking out like the second day of Chia Pet. Like I kind of just kept it like a little bit peeking out. Like all my hairs and my cheeks were doing it like without like opening a door. Like what's going on? Like that's how it was.

Like did I hear something? Like that's how my hair was coming out. And then during the pandemic, I just kind of let it just grow. And now this is kind of the style. But it's getting real gray, dude. I know your boy's young as shit, but it's getting real gray. Oh, and it was my birthday. I'm 42 now.

And it was also April 1st. It was April Fool's. And everyone thinks that my new podcast with my brother coming out called Lifeline is an April Fool's joke. But it's not an April Fool's joke. It's a real podcast called Lifeline with my brother Matt D'Elia. So go to Lifeline over there and like and subscribe and be ready for that shit to drop. Enough with the promo though, dude. I

don't even mean to be doing promos. It's just I got a lot of stuff going on in my life and I need to promo it, I guess, right? Like I told you, I did the fucking, the With Chris stuff, the new Lifeline. I cut my beard. This is all promo shit. But yeah, and now we're just chilling. And we are just chilling. Saw a dude the other day at a coffee shop that I haven't seen.

I'll tell you what, I think you get to 30, late 30s is when, if you've been in the same place, like this geographically in the same place in your late 30s uh and you're in your late 30s what happens is it's very weird in your late 20s and even in your early 30s if you see somebody if you see somebody and you hang out with them for like a year or something and then you see them 10 years later they look roughly the same but when you start seeing people 20 years later they start looking like fucking older renditions of themselves and old versions of themselves. And that's what's crazy. Like I saw, I used to, you know, I used to set up shop at this fucking coffee bean when I used to

run that block over on Ventura and cold water. Now I don't go there anymore. What happened is the fucking place shut down and everybody that I used to see at that coffee shop dispersed into different coffee shots. You know, some of them go to see at that coffee shop dispersed into different coffee shops. You know, some of them go to the cold water coffee bean on Whitsitt. Some of them go to fucking Aroma Cafe. Some of them go over to the coffee fix. Some of them go over to one on Sunset. I mean, these guys are out there.

We're out there, right? We're out there. We're all out there. It's like we went through some shit. It's like the movie Stand By Me and we all got together later on, right? Or it, you know, nothing really horrific happened except for the coffee being shut down. But we all see each other now and I see these guys and I see them 20 years later. It is insane to see these dudes 20 years later because that's when you realize life just keeps going unless you die, right?

Life just keeps going. If you don't get cancer or get hit by a bus or suffer a heart attack or you're too fat and fucking basically just choke on yourself, life just keeps going and you get to see people. And the only thing that remains the same are basically their eyes, right? Because I don't like to say this and I don't say this, but the eyes are the windows to the soul, right? That's not something that I say a lot. You know, we keep it light hearted and joking in this congratulations podcast, but lest we forget eyes, they're the windows to the soul, you know?

So it doesn't matter how old or how fat or skinny you know hair losing people get lest we forget the eyes they're the windows to the soul and when these guys see when i see them in a new coffee shop because this is where i always see them in a new coffee shop that i happen to roll into and i'm on my dolo of course but then these guys come in and they look like fat old versions of themselves but then i see their eyes and i'm like oh 20 years later but lest we forget eyes are the windows to the soul and i wonder what the fuck they've been up to because i forget about these motherfuckers until i see them what has this dude been doing for 20 years? Isn't that fucking crazy?

It's a reminder that life keeps going and you got to just kind of, I don't know, it made me feel some sort of poignant thing because I'm like, well, life keeps going, but you kind of got to just kind of keep being true to yourself and keep doing your shit. You know, all these dudes, I just see them at coffee shops, but you got to just keep doing you. And if doing you is going and being happy,

getting that fucking coffee two years later at a new place, because the other place fucking went under, then that's what you got to do. So props to those dudes out there. You know who you are. I don't know if you listen to my podcast. I didn't even have this podcast back then when I did the fucking first coffee bean, but it was wild to see these dudes there. You know who you are. I don't know if you listen to my podcast. I didn't even have this podcast back then when I did the fucking first coffee bean. But it's wild to see these dudes over. When you get, like, you're listening now. If you're in your 20s or something, just remember I said this when you're 42. And you see the same person.

It's wild, dude. It's really wild. People just keep living. Makes me think of how maybe we're in the metaverse. Almost dropped that fucking coffee right there. And we've been in the metaverse for way longer than we thought but i saw batman dude i saw batman i was gonna do it on my review mode in my uh in my um what do you call it on my other on my patreon shit because i do that segment review mode on my patreon

uh but yeah man i saw batman and guess what dude and this is a fact, it's the best Batman ever. It's the best Batman that's ever been, dude. Including all of them, yay! Including all of them! Including all of them! Including all of them! So stop right there, some people are pissed right now. Well, actually, you know, okay, that makes them laugh,

because the Dark Knight is the thing that set it up, and you know what, if it wasn't for the Dark Knight, a lot of these superhero movies wouldn't exist. But I'm going to stop you right there, you fucking dork. Because this one's the best one. Yay. Why? Because of everything. Because of everything except Catwoman.

Because of everything. Let me tell you right now. If Catwoman is in a Batman movie, that's a mistake. Catwoman is the fucking worst superhero. You know why? What does she do? I'm waiting.

What does she do? Hey, go ahead. Explain. Explain to me driving in your car or in your cubicle or on your jog. Take a hot second. Stop jogging, relax,

and say out loud to me, because we're talking. This is a conversation. What does Catwoman do? I'm waiting. Go ahead. Oh, what does she do? Back flips?

What does she do? Avoid fucking... What does she do? What'd she do? Avoid fucking... What? What'd she do? What did she ever do? What did that movie with fucking Halle Berry do? I'd rather go see that fucking stupid movie with Frances McDormand where she's just chilling outside that came out last year. It's so boring, dude. Catwoman is the most boring character there has ever been except for every Francis McDormand character, okay?

Also, this is the thing that is awesome about this Batman, and you agree, dude, okay? Here we go. This is the thing that's awesome about this Batman, is that Christopher Nolan, who's great, okay? Who's great. Yes. Of course he makes confusing movies like tenant and yes, of course he makes crazy movies like interstellar, very confusing. Was it good? It was just a lot. If anybody says anything about interstellar besides, wow, that movie was a lot. Then they're bullshitting. You know what I mean? They're just bullshitting. Okay.'s why batman chris nolan okay so he kind of so he came out with the first batman movie which was everyone was like whoa and it was

after chris christian bale made the machinist and he was like 14 pounds and now all of a sudden he's beefed up being batman and christian bale was a great batman i can't argue that he's the first guy who kind of changed his voice and you kind of of were like, okay, I can see how people don't know this is Bruce Wayne. Because he kind of seems like a fucking different person in this thing. He's talking differently. He's not being Michael Keaton or Adam West where he's just like, hey, how's it going? And you're like, oh, you're just the guy. You're Bruce Wayne.

But now the fucking first one comes in. And the first movie that he he made which was batman begins right which was cool okay batman begins fine it there was too much non-batman shit in it i thought like if you're gonna make a movie about batman make a movie where he's kicking ass immediately i don't need to see like him in his study what should i do and then a bat flies through the window and he's like huh that would be a good like i don't need to see all the origin i don't need to see his parents die like when he was six start the ass kicking from jump first scene should be just yeah yeah and just knocking motherfuckers out, do you know what I'm talking about?

Dude, from jump, dude, don't even start with the credits, I don't give a fuck who made it, just from jump, just fucking, fuck who made it just from jump just fucking yeah yeah just flying from building to build that kicking a guy with a mask that's what we need immediately stopping crooks all right so batman begins no thank you now Knight, was it a cultural phenomenon? Yes, you could argue that. Did it pave the way for this realism in superhero movies that for some people, for some reason, people gravitate towards,

even though superheroes are fucking ridiculous? Yes, it did, okay? But did it... Now, would this new Batman exist if the other, if the other Chris Nolan movies, if they didn't exist, if they weren't made, I don't know, but I don't give a fuck. Right. Like people say Richard Pryor was the goat. Okay. And now they say Dave Chappelle's the goat.

And people say, well, would Richard Pryor, did Richard Pryor paid the way for Dave Chappelle? Yeah. But I don't give a fuck. Dave Chappelle, if he's the goat, he? Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. Dave Chappelle, if he's the GOAT, he's the GOAT. I don't give a fuck. I'm not that kind of guy where it's like, you got to pay homage to the other motherfuckers. Dude, everything sucks after 20 years anyway. You ever see fucking Laurel and Hardy?

How hilarious is it them trying to get that piano up those stairs? Okay. No disrespect, right? those stairs okay no disrespect right but my point is i saw this new batman and they rooted it in reality okay i mean the riddler isn't even like laughing or doing riddler shit he's just completely in like and i know what you did last summer green kind of raincoat so it's way different but there was it was in this world where you bought. The cinematography was beautiful. Now, Robert Pattinson, who I'm a huge fan of, he's a little thin, right?

And I'm like, this is going to be Vampire Batman. But it wasn't, though. He played an emo Batman, and they didn't really show him too much as Bruce Wayne, which was good because I don't know if I necessarily buy him as this charismatic Bruce Wayne. But what the movie did was, tonally, they accepted it and we accepted it. Tonally, they made him Batman and he barely saw the light in the day. Right? There's that one scene where he fucking, where he wakes, where he's having a meeting and he's just like this.

Robert Pattinson doing that smart acting, just kind of like, oh, but the sunlight, you know? He does this crazy cool subtle acting where he's just like, oh, that's the kind of acting I do where I'm just like, oh, the sunlight, you know? Because we both do smart acting. But so he was great. Batman was great.

The guy nailed it. The cinematography was beautiful which i don't even really give a fuck about make the story good but all of the rules that they set up adhered to all of the rules that they set up the only thing that happened that was kind of jerky was when he hit the nitro boost and the car fucking ramped up over the thing and then the penguin thought he had him and then the fucking whole thing exploded and then batman came out victorious which you know whatever you got to have one of those things but even when he pulled that fucking zip line when he jumped off the building pulled that zip line and was the bat

guy you know and and and fucking was flying and even though he would have died doing that i kind of bought it because it was like all clunky and shit and here's why it's the best batman because my friends were like it's not better than Dark Knight, so then I went back and I watched Dark Knight, because that's what I do, why? Because I have OCD, why? Because I'm an addict, why? Because once I have something in my head, I can't let it go, I watch one Batman, I don't watch one Batman, oh dude, picture me watching one Batman, I watch all of them, so I went directly home. I started watching The Dark Knight. And I'm not even going to tell you the new Batman isn't,

it's not that the new Batman is better than The Dark Knight. I'm here to tell you that The Dark Knight is just good and watchable. And if you say it's great, you'll have a fucking very fierce argument on your hands if you're with me. Okay? Because in the first scene scene in the second scene the first scene is the joker thing which is like okay it's rooted in realism right these are bank robbers trying to rob a bank this isn't guys jumping off buildings and fucking shooting flames or webs out of their shit actually that's even doable, I guess. But nobody's flying, right?

And then Batman comes in after these mock Batman guys try to save the day with guns. And Batman comes in, grabs someone's gun on the end of the gun, and fucking bends the gun, dude. Is this rooted in realism or not dude you can't have something adhering to the roots of realism and then a fucking crook comes by with a rifle and batman goes gunk first of all sir responsible right get the guy if this is real he might shoot your fucking face off so don't just grab the shit and bend it get the guy right you didn't do that so then you go to bend the nozzle so you go to bend the fucking nozzle so what would happen right there the guy would let go of the gun. Number one. Number two, the guy is 180 pounds.

He would be fighting back. Also, you can't bend steel. So right at that moment, I'm out. I'm out. You can't bend steel in the real world with your hand so i'm out and then i saw batman guess where a car would be jump down flights of fucking stairs uh or levels of a of a what's the fucking uh park lot and just crash onto the fucking car and get the scarecrow. And I'm out, dude. And then there's a scene where, what's his name, from Aaron Eckhart, is Harvey Dent. And he, like, a guy pulls a gun on him in the fucking witness booth.

And then he saves the day. He grabs the gun. And I'm like, what? Ruined in realism, dude. Fuck all that, man. The movie's just good. This new Batman reigns supreme. It's the best Batman. And fucking, yes, Christian B Fuck all that, man. The movie's just good. This new Batman reigns supreme. It's the best Batman.

And fucking yes, Christian Bale was a great Batman. But dude, this dude nailed it. Robert Pattinson nailed it. Catwoman. See you later. Never put Catwoman in any movie ever. She sucks, dude. It just, the character sucks.

And the actress did it fine. But everyone else nailed it, dude. Colin Farrell, where was he? Oh, he was in the movie? Where? Oh, he was the penguin? Stop lying. That didn't look like him or sound like him.

That's some fucking good acting. And I won't say masterful acting like my friend Dan did because that's fucking pussy shit. Everyone always says stuff with the arts is masterful, but it's like you're really just fucking, you know, talk about other things that's masterful like brain surgery, not art, because that's just – this review is devolving, but it's the best Batman, dude. I spent entirely too much time talking about this Batman, but it's so good. It really is good. I was at the improv the other night, and I was doing a show with Theo, and I don't remember who else was on the show, but Theo was there. And this guy, Theo goes on and gets off, and I'm on in a little bit.

And this guy says hey to Theo. He says, hey, you want to, this is what he says, hey, you want a bullet? And I'm like, here we go, another lunatic, dude. Here we go, just another lunatic. I can't, dude. Everybody's so crazy. I can't.

I'm tired of it. Be crazy to the people in your lives. Don't make me deal with it. I'm chilling, having a conversation with Theo, one of my friends, and some guy walks up and says to Theo, hey man, big fan, want a bullet? And Theo said, is that drugs? And the guy said, no, and pulls out a bullet. And Theo's like, oh, cool, man, takes the bullet. And then I kind of step away a little bit and why do i step away because weirdness because this bullet holder is polluting my area hey guy with a bad brain don't pollute my area. Step away and fix your organ in your head. Okay? Hey, guy, don't bring a bullet or anything over in my area.

I didn't know you, and now I do. And this wholeheartedly sucks for me. Okay? So now I'm dealing with it, but I'm not really am I because he gave the bullet to Theo. Now, did it offend me in a weird part of my brain? Yes, because why didn't I get the bullet? But I step away, and I'm like, you know what I did? I avoided a bullet, literally, I did? I avoided a bullet. Literally. Right?

I dodged a bullet. So he gives it to Theo. And then I see this guy just, ya-da-da-da-da-da-da-da to Theo. And I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah. That's when it's good that someone else is a fan of someone else and not me. Because this guy is just,

ya-da-da-da-da-da-da-da to the Rat King. Ya-da-da-da-da-da. And I'm standing over there just counting my blessings. Because this guy is just, yeah, that, that, that, that, that, that to the rat king. Yeah, that, that, that, that. And I'm standing over there just counting my blessings. And right now it's one. I don't have to deal with this fucking guy. So then I'm there for about three minutes talking to someone else. And then Theo says, yeah, man, I i don't know and leaves to the guy and then the guy comes over to me with all of his weirdness and he's being actually weirder and you know what

he's doing just shuffling around it's not like he's like being overtly weird he's being covertly weird like he's dealing with something internally and also wants to talk about it but guess what he wants to talk about it to me and guess what i'm not that guy because you already polluted one area and i moved over to another area and gentrified it right so let's back up and not pollute my new neighborhood okay so he comes over and he says now theo's already gone and he says oh that was weird okay well that was weird so now i'm stuck because i know theo and i know theo is weird but i also know very little bit about this new guy but he's also weird and also i don't know him so don't be weird have that thing when you meet somebody and you want to make a good impression don't you you all i'm thinking of when i meet

people is well i hope that they don't fucking think i'm weird so this guy already fucked it up for theo and i all right so theo walks away he says well that was weird oh that's fucking weird oh that's weird and uh he wants me so badly to say like oh oh, what happened? But check it out. I don't know you, dude. And I just gentrified this whole area of this hallway. Okay? So he says to me, well, that was weird, again.

And it was like, I used to have this roommate where this guy would like, dude, I used to have this roommate like when I was in my 20s and he would be in his room and he would just be like, I would be chilling doing my day.

And we weren't really friends, but we were friendly, you know, he's roommates. And he would just do shit like, he would be like, huh? And I wouldn't say anything on purpose because he wanted so badly to just have a conversation. Does that make me a dick? But he would just be on his computer and be like, huh? I'd hear through the walls, well, that's weird. And like, cause a few times I'd beat my head in. I'd be like, what's up?

And he'd be like, no, it's just crazy because this thing was, and I'm, I'm, oh, oh, oh, you know, when you realize it you realize it's absolutely nothing you just wanted oh you wanted a connection dude ah fuck i got had so this guy's doing though well that's he's now a new version of my roommate and he says well that's weird i'm like oh yeah i gotta go and i go and i leave and then later i avoid this But he comes up to me And he's like Hey man

I'm a huge fan And I said oh thanks And he says Oh this is what happened So he I got this out of order so so then he's in the hall we're in the hallway later fuck god damn it i forgot about this and this girl comes up to me and she says hey can i get a picture and i'm like yeah and she's like

sorry i know this is like the weirdest thing ever to happen to you so now this whole thing is just a mess, right? So now I got to be like, oh, now she put me in a position where I either need to be like, oh, yeah, but it's all good. But I don't do that because I keep it real, right? So I say to him, I say to her, I said, listen, you, this is not weird at all. I've dealt with things that are way weirder than this and people who are way weirder because I don't want her to get the credit

for being the weirdest thing that happened to me all day. Now, am I mini-minded? Yes, but that's what I did, okay? I needed her to not get the credit for being the weirdest thing that happened to me all day. All right? Mini-minded, sure, but also had to let her know

because I'm petty. Okay. And so now she says, can I get a picture? And I say, yeah, sure. So we get a picture and her boyfriend takes it and then she walks away. And then he, the bullet giver to Theo walks up to me and says, Hey, uh, how about, uh uh how about that and i said what and he said how weird was that and i'm like is there a dick on my head or something i don't understand what's weird right now except for the people being weird dude hey this is weird. No, dude, it's you. Like, you can't walk up to someone and be like, ah, isn't this all weird? It's fucking you, dude.

I'm not, oh, that was awkward. When the person says, well, that was awkward, yeah, because you made it awkward. You don't get to, well, that was awkward. Yeah, because you made it awkward. You don't get to me. I don't feel awkward. I'm fucking stonewalled awareness, dude. I'm a fucking stonewall. I got bulletproof glass to prevent weird feelings on me, man.

I've dealt with all of the weirdness, man. And so you can't, so then this, so now this girl, I know this is the weirdest thing, but can I have a picture, I know it's so weird, I said, now I've dealt with such weird shit, a guy tried to hand a bullet to one of my best friends five minutes ago, so then she leaves, and I say, hey, no problem at all, now I know I'm bitching and moaning about this, but please don't come for me, man. I mean, come for me if you want, but it's so annoying when people are like, wow, Chris is really a dick. Dude, you don't get my humor. Leave it at that. I was genuinely nice to these motherfuckers.

So leave it at that. You don't get my computer, even though I meant to say humor. Leave it at that, dude. All right? So now she walks away, and the bullet giver to fucking theo says hey wasn't that uh hey hey well that's crazy and i'm like what's what's crazy man and he says well it's um so that girl just asked you for a picture and i said oh yeah yeah and he said well what about uh her her boyfriend was right there and i said uh-huh

and he said so she just asked for a picture and and her boyfriend was there and i said yeah and he said huh how do you deal with that and i said you just saw how I deal with that. And he goes, huh. And then we walked away. I think people just want to have like a moment with somebody that they like are a fan of, which is cool. But then I walked over to Theo and I was like, what's up with that bullet guy and he was like yeah man he was really fucking weird and then i was like man we all got our weird shit you know theo uh is weird and i'm weird and that dude is weird and we all kind of

met a meeting of the minds it was like the weird avengers and uh we didn't save any days we were just weird uh but whatever, dude. I talked way too long about that story. But that's what happened. And it's like just if you want to go up to somebody and have a nice little moment, just like it's the best when somebody just comes up and says, hey, man, I love what you do.

And if you want to tell a little story or whatever. I was with my friend the other day and we were listening. That's great, dude. That's fucking great. But yeah, the weirdness, dude. We got to say, how about the fucking, who did that guy die from the Foo Fighters? He was 50.

Dude, it's so weird being 42 and seeing a 50-year-old die. I don't even know how he died. What, just drugs? So sad. That's so fucking fucked up and sad. And then you see everybody's like posts with like them and them. If the only way to honor somebody like that, a celebrity,

it's so self-centered. These fucking, I don't ever, I never post about anybody that dies because it, I find it so self-centered with these celebrities doing it like i saw people posting with bruce willis because he has dementia and it's just like and they were like i hope that bruce sees this and it's like bruce can't read okay that's the whole thing about this brain thing and people are just like yeah met him yada

it's like dude oh you oh so you know bruce okay cool it's so annoying when celebrities do this and they it's one thing when they die but like this guy died and then everyone's like oh we lost a good one today here's us at fucking mcdonald's and it's just like it's so like when i and here's the thing too when i die and these people these, too, these people who fucking shitted on me when I went through my shit, they'll post the pictures, too. Fuck them motherfuckers, dude. Talk shit about me when I die. If you talk shit when I live, talk shit when I die. Don't come back and be like, a flawed man, but we all loved him.

Eat my fucking dick, dude. Don't even post a picture of me when I die. Post a picture of fucking, you know, when I die, post a picture of Liam Neeson, dude. And just be like, man, this guy's movies rip, huh? That's it, dude. It's so annoying when these celebrities do this shit. Oh, man. Devastated to hear the news.

Be devastated at home off the fucking internet. I know we all grieve in our own way, but you don't know these motherfuckers. You met them once at a Popeye's. Um. Also, are we done with COVID, man? Like, it's, I haven't heard anyone get it since the fucking queen of England. And I still got to ask for napkins at cafes. Like, have them out. Nobody's getting COVID because you touch something that's something else.

Nobody even has COVID anymore. And then somebody is, like, I got to go to coffee shops. And I'm like, can I get it? Can I get it? They don't have the thing anymore to get the napkins from. You got to ask from behind the thing because they think it's safe. Dude, you're fine. We're fine.

We're fine. Take your fucking mask off. We're fine. It's so annoying that I got to be there and I got to ask for extra. Dude, put it out. You want to wear a mask on your own time? Wear a mask on your own time. But don't,

you know, put them napkins out. And then whenever you ask for a napkin, they give you one napkin. Like I need more, dude, you see, you know,

um, I, uh, I gotta see Morbius is the main thing I'm trying to say. Like I got to see Morbius. A hundred percent have to see Morbius because the guy who's in it is, no, we don't say his name here because he tried to have a fucking cult and thwart my cult, but he can't thwart my cult, but we don't say his name. He's nameless here, but fucking Jared Leto, you know what I'm talking about, but we don't say his name he's nameless here but fucking jared leto you know i'm talking about but we don't fucking say his name and he's good i mean the guy's a good actor and he's 50 and he looks like he's 25 and yeah we don't fucking say his name but yes of course i'm talking about jared leto but like dude he's a weird fucking guy and that's

why he's a good actor because you have to be super weird to be a good actor you know otherwise you're just like the rock and you're just saying the lines, but he played Morbius and I found out the name in the fucking thing. His name is Michael Morbius, dude, which is like, dude, that's so fucking stupid. Hi, Michael Morbius. Imagine you met a dude named Michael Morbius. That should be the fucking like, dude, I'm barely on board with Peter Parker, by the way, the alliteration has got to go.

And I know they made this shit when the fucking stuff was so corny anyway, like back in the forties or whatever, like Batman was like pretty much at Superman was gay as shit. And it was, but, but he was supposed to not be gay. Like it's fine to be gay, but Superman was supposed to not be gay, but also he to be gay but superman was supposed to not be gay but also he was so gay you know even in the 80s they did it with he-man but

like yo you gotta rename the guy michael morbius you gotta rename him it's 2022 at least name him Jeff Morbius. Also, make it so his last name isn't Morbius. That's so fucking dumb. Because guess what? If superheroes existed and then I met a guy named Michael Morbius. It's him. He blew your secret identity. Change. He name. Dude.

Michael Morbius. Like, I get it. Clark Kent. Okay. Peter Parker. Alliteration. But Clark Kent. Okay. Peter Parker. Alliteration. But all right. Michael Morbius.

Dude, that's fucking horrible. Change it. And change it now. It's 2022. And yeah, the movie sucks. It's got 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. No shit, it sucks. The reason why...

Michael Morbius, dude. Hi, I'm Dr. Morbius. Oh, it's you. Oh, you're the vampire that is the antihero. It's like we don't live in the fucking year 1800 anymore where nobody would know Jekyll and Hyde. Dude, it says in the name, dude. It's like if the fucking super, it might as, the superheroes,

they might as well be superhero McSaves the day. Or doctor cleans the world up. Dude, his name is Michael Morbius, and I put it on TikTok, and all I said was Michael Morbius, and I was laughing because when I figured it out, his name is Michael Morbius. And dude, people under the comments were like,

sorry, dude, swing and a miss. Hey, dude, I don't get it. Where's the joke? Okay, then you don't get it. Where's the joke? Okay, then you don't get it and I feel bad for you because I tell you right now, there is nothing funnier than the fact that in

2022, they made that Marvel's doing so well that they had to go to all the shit characters and make a movie of Morbius and they didn't change the name Michael Morbius because they have to stay true to it so the fucking dorks will be like, well, actually his name,

they got to stay true because the movie will get dragged in the movie's bed anyway. And the guy's name is still Michael Morbius and nobody in the movie is like, oh, it's you you're the guy that's the vampire Jared Leto how about the

fact that he's in the worst Marvel movie and the worst DC movie and the guy just kills it at acting also when he's not in one of those movies right like he'll just be in Dallas Buyers Club and you're like okay hand him the Oscars and then when he tries to do fucking Morbius you know hey Marvel stop stop I get it

but Moon Knight and then people do there's like fucking 17 people that are like fuck yeah dude finally my favorite one Moon Knight this is gonna tank too for Disney Plus. With the fucking guy from whatever Dune is in it. Dude, Moon Knight. Change their fucking name, Dr. Michael Morbius, dude, you know?

Imagine you went to go see a doctor and his name was Dr. Michael Morbius. You'd be like, is anyone else in your practice? What? Nothing? No. Wow. So, one fire set. I thought you were talking to me for a second.

I mean, so fucking, this is good. I make it like we're family're family like we're talking like we're having a conversation i guess i do you know i am talking to you i'm talking to everyone right and we're all family i guess we have to talk about this i didn't want it because it's been so long i recorded my fucking podcast two hours before the oscars and then that was that week's podcast and then and then will smith decided to fucking bitch slap chris rock and i was like oh fuck well i guess i'm late on this and my views will suffer but still i've got to fucking talk about this because i'm a comedian number one and number two it was probably the biggest thing that happened and there's a war in ukraine that's the biggest thing that happened this week and people are getting slaughtered in fucking ukraine so so all right if you live under a fucking rock, the Oscars happen and Chris Rock said a joke about a G.I. Jane joke about Jada Pinkett and Will Smith smacked him for it, bitch slapped him for it in the Oscars.

I know you know this, right? I'm just saying it because I have to say it. So how about, first of all, how about, let's start with this. Why are, how come the Oscars have become a roast-a-thon? This is the Oscars. This is the Oscars. This is the most prestigious night. Now, of course, sucks donkey balls. Now, of course, it's a bunch of actors who played stupid parts

that are just going like this all night. Now, of course, the Oscars, full of shit. Of course, the Oscars are fucking absolutely ridiculous and full of a bunch of actors going like this. But it's the most prestigious night. What do we know if we listen to this podcast? Anything prestigious fucking sucks, right? Because prestige is nothing. It's fake it's uh pretentious it's a fallacy it's just a bunch of people going like this so everyone dresses in their fucking either nice tuxes or most stupid

fucking outfits of all time right goes to the oscars and they they it's the most prestigious night so if it's the most prestigious night then have it be the most prestigious nice night and by that i mean why is it a fucking roast-a-thon it's become a roast-a-thon because you know i think that they think oh we get comedians to save the day because the oscars absolutely fucking suck donkey balls we need we, we need for some, we need somebody like Ricky Gervais, at least it'll be funny, but why is it a roast-a-thon? So Ricky Gervais goes on and shits on the Oscars and everybody, and okay, and I love Ricky Gervais, all right?

And I love a lot of these comedians, but it's become a fucking roast-a-thon where everyone is just on, making fun of people who do, just have it be the bullshit night. It is. Hey guys, you know what? It's, it's, it's boring. It's like a wedding ceremony.

It's supposed to be boring. You're supposed to have people not watch it because it fucking sucks. The reason why the views are going down for the Oscars is because everyone's figuring out what the fuck it is. Boring, a bunch of actors going like this, and absolutely bullshit.

It's not supposed to be watched. Alright? It used to be cool before the internet when William Hurt didn't have a fucking TikTok. You know what I mean? It used to be cool when Jared Let hurt didn't have a fucking tiktok you know what i mean it used to be cool when jared leto wasn't out here on fucking twitter and now we know everybody it's not cool anymore to see al pacino come up and accept an award because fucking the goddamn you know he's you know fucking did the daily, the Daily News did an article. Everyone has access to everyone at any given moment. Nobody gives a fuck anymore about seeing some actor accept an award.

And that's just the stone cold facts, dude. So now it's become this roast-a-thon. And of course, you get these, you know, comedians up there that are doing it really good. You got like Ricky Gervais and Chris Rock, which is hilarious. And then you got people who are just so fucking corny with it, like Amy Schumer. And it's just – you're going to get fucking – it's just becoming bad and unfun to watch, and that's fine. Now, Chris Rock went up and he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith about doing the G.I. Jane 2, which, first of all, is a joke about her being bald. I didn't know she had alopecia. And I heard someone say, well, it's because she suffers from

alopecia. Okay, let's cool it on the suffering, on the word suffer, okay? Let's cool it on, everyone's treating her like she's got fucking stage five cancer. Dude, her hair is kind of like gingerly falling out. And by the way, I can still see it. Okay? So she's not suffering that bad. Also, she's hot as fuck. Also, G.I. Jane was hot as fuck, dude. You'd be lucky if you had a night with G.I. Jane, right?

G.I. Jane was fucking so sexy. And she shaved her head because she was in the army. So that's not even a diss. Chris Rock said, G.I. Jane too, I'm waiting for you Jada Pinkett Smith. It was fine. Did Chris Rock cross the line? You know what? If he knew she had alopecia, yeah, maybe he did cross the line. And guess what? That's's good because that's what a fucking comedian's job is to cross the fucking line how do you know where it is if you don't cross it every now and then so whoopsie daisy so good job chris rock on crossing the line you did what a comedian should do now will smith sitting in the front row, laughs at the joke, looks over to Jada Smith.

She rolls her eyes. Then Will Smith goes, oh, she's upset. I got to do something about it. Eh. Suh. Bitch. Right? bitch. Right? Because you are fine with it.

She rolled her eyes and now he gets up and he's like, I gotta be a man about this. Walks up to Chris Rock. Chris Rock is like, uh-oh, with his hands behind his back. Chris Rock is fucking, uh-oh, with his hands behind his back, Chris Rock is fucking 140 pounds wet. And Will Smith played Muhammad Ali. So, you know, he's got some fucking, a little bit of technique. And also because actors are so annoying about how they play the fucking, you got, you know, like you got to be the fucking guy in the movie.

Otherwise it's not right. Like actors jobs are so easy that they're like well i'll just be muhammad ali for fucking nine weeks and i'll learn how to box and like you know i mean maybe you're muhammad ali but i had an actor in that for fucking i had a buddy that was acting in that show the pacific that was like they made him go to army boot camp for fucking out in the wilderness for like two months and it's like you just got one line in the movie and you don't need to fucking rough it in Vietnam for fucking two months. Right?

So, so now Will Smith comes up and is, this is the biggest bitch part is he's smiling the whole time and he's being like, Hey, I'm going to fucking do something. And then Chris rock hands behind his back. Will Smith walks up to him and smacks him in the fucking face and then walks back to his seat, saunter back to his seat.

Now, only wrong. That's only wrong. Anyone out here that's saying like, well, the man defended his wife. Fuck that. You're a fucking asshole, dude. First of all, whatever happened to women can stand for themselves. Women's empowerment. Fuck all that.

Jada should have went up and smacked him if she wanted. But the fact that Will Smith did that and you think that that's what a woman needs, you're a fucking piece of shit. Okay? Will Smith did that. It was only wrong. He also did it in the most prestigious night of his career, which was only wrong. And here's the other thing.

Where was security? He thought he could get away with it or he didn't know or he was just blind with anger. He still went up and did it. Where's fucking security? All right. Where's security? Run and tackle him. Here's the other thing, dude.

Chris Rock had how many? I'll tell you what. I know Chris Rock barely. I know Chris Rock barely. I've had one or two conversations with him. If I saw someone doing that to him, I would have fucking ran up and helped out. Period.

I don't give a fuck if it was the Oscars or not. I would have ran up and fucking, I would have done some shit. I swear to God. And I know a lot of people are probably out there rolling their eyes. There's no fucking way. If I've only had good experiences with somebody

who is, by the way, a comedian, that I wouldn't have done something about it. Maybe if it was Joe Rogan or Brendan Schaub, I would have fucking let it fly because they can handle themselves. But Chris Rock, dude, fuck all that. Where the fuck was everybody? That's the thing. Nobody's talking about this. Where the fuck was everybody? Remove Will Smith because that was fucking, he assaulted him and remove him from the fucking play. And then this is how fake Hollywood is. Dude, he won the award, which is fine.

He won the awards fair and square. He went up, gave a speech about how important it is to protect his family. And then everyone gave him a standing ovation. Bro, what? All those people off my list. All those people off Crystal Lea's list. I know it doesn't matter to you, but guess who it matters to me and I'm me. So that's great.

You're off my list, dude. Then it fucking cuts back afterwards to Amy Schumer, who is Chris Rock's friend. And she says, did anything happen during the break? Dude, say shit. Say shit, you outspoken woman. Say shit. That's your friend. Oh, because you're involved in Hollywood, you don't say shit you outspoken woman say shit that's your friend oh because you're involved in hollywood you don't say shit oh because you're then how outspoken are you that's assault say shit

this is something really that happened that's on tv ladies and gentlemen we got him say shit you're so powerful but you don't say shit because you want your deals with Hulu to be okay? Say shit, motherfucker. It's bullshit. You want to dance around that Hollywood game? They come for you, dude. You don't say shit about your friend.

You watch your friend get smacked by Muhammad Ali. You don't say shit. And the night just keeps going. fuck that, dude, fuck that, any one of my friends get smacked by anybody, guess what, my friend gets smacked by somebody who could beat the shit out of me, if the rock went up there, I'm going up, and I'm getting smacked too, motherfucker, I swear to God too, watch it happen, well, I guess we're both getting beat up,'s me ah fuck here we go i'll go face first and just get smacked get it over with but dude there's no way i'm letting somebody who i've only had good experience with deal with that shit by themselves fuck the oscars dude fuck that and

fuck those dude it was it made me so i couldn't stop thinking about this shit for four days i thought about this shit i met will. I thought about this shit. I met Will Smith too. He seems like a nice guy. And you know, here's the other thing, dude. He's just going through some shit, obviously. And I don't know what he's going through, but only he does. And only Jada does, right?

So everyone, and now of course Will Smith made it worse for himself about the fucking jokes about his wife and the jokes about him and how he's a cuck, which he's not you know or he is and who gives a shit but like the internet is just going nuts over it and i feel bad for will smith too now because dude everyone doesn't know the situation and yes what happened was awful and will smith i'm sure he feels bad about it because he's not a sociopath but this was the moment where he broke this is the moment where he broke. This is the moment where he broke. You can't keep up. I like, dude, I don't know how I, cause I don't, cause Will Smith isn't a sociopath, but like, I think like guys like the rock are just like a social, like, I don't know how you maintain that. I don't know how you keep that up. And now he's got a Zola energy drink and shit. And he's just like, okay, I drink tequila too. Here, let's, like, I don't know how you keep that energy. Hey, isn't it enough? Isn't a hundred million dollars enough? I don't know what the fucking energy is that you keep, that you need to keep doing this. But like I break, dude, I,

I'm, I'm, I'm one, one millionth of a fame level that Will Smith is. And this shit gets to me, dude. People say shit about me. I go into hiding, you know? But Will Smith, every fucking day of his life, he can't go out of his apartment. He can't go out of one of his 90 houses. He can't do his shit. And then this is the moment he broke it. He did it on the world stage, literally. He did it the most prestigious night.

And it was bullshit, and it was shitty, and it was fucked up. And there's nothing good about it except for, no, there's nothing good good about it except for maybe he could learn from the situation chris rock handled it like a fucking pro and i thought that that was amazing and those are my thoughts on it man you know and i don't know if it was funny or not but i don't give a shit that's how i feel about it and i just cannot fucking believe amy schumer didn't say shit about that like you're done with me as a as a like if you're my friend and that happens, I'm done, dude. Done. Huh?

He's got to fucking live that. The only person who made sense about to talk about it is Jim Carrey. When he said this shit on the thing. It's like Chris Rock couldn't handle it better. I don't want to press charges. I don't want to sue. You know, it is what it is. And now that's all that anyone is talking about it.

And it took the whole night away from everyone. It even took the whole night away from will smith he won the fucking oscar it took his whole night away from it it's all anyone doesn't want to talk about it it's all anyone is ever going to talk about and during that oscars and there were probably good shitty movies that one morbia should have fucking cleaned up that night is what i do know and the award for best worst name michael oh i'm sorry morbius michael morbius jared leto gets up there with a fucking bright green trash bag on and a fucking mailman hat hey nothing to see here i thank you for the award Just look into my steel blue eyes Yeah that's a

Um the fact that Logan Paul Bought this six million dollar Rare Pikachu card By the way The million rare Pikachu card. By the way, the words rare Pikachu card, you know? Who cares how rare it is? But it's a thing, and it's a collector's item. And by the way, he looked badass on the fucking WW,

whatever it is now. I don't know. But he paid $6 million on a very rare Pokemon card and then wore that card during his WrestleMania 38. Why? Because the internet inspectors have destroyed reality. Yeah, it's true. This is on Kodaku.com.

But 27-year-old Paul first teased his Pokemon card accessory on April 2nd when he revealed he was planning to wear the very rare. So he wore it in WrestleMania 38, $6 million. Dude, get it. How do you not be robbed, right? There's people out there getting robbed in Beverly Hills. Nobody fucking robbed this shit off his neck.

This is insane. Most inspected Pokemon card in the world right now. And partially is because he paid for it. Like if he tried to resell it right now, there's no way he could get fucking $6 million for it. And he did it to be in the headlines. But my question is, how much money, two things. twofold how much money does logan paul have and then also how much money do you have to have to spend six million dollars on a fucking pikachu card because like if you have a hundred million dollars spending six of it on a pik Pikachu card is a fucking horrible idea.

So if you have $200 million and you spend $6 million on a Pikachu card, that's a horrible idea. If you have three, now if you have $3 million and you want to spend six million dollars on a Pikachu card, that is a horrible idea. So at what point does it become not a horrible idea? Now, let's not pretend that Logan Paul makes the best decisions, but he's a great guy and he makes good decisions business-wise. I know him. I love the dude, right? And, you know, he makes great decisions business-wise i know him i love the dude right and you know he makes great decisions business-wise right that prime energy drink but he made this decision which seems like a bad decision but also probably doesn't matter but my point is how much money does he have and then how much money do you have to have half a billion he doesn't he

doesn't have half a billion but if you had half a billion then okay maybe six million on a pikachu card if you really love pokemons right would you say half of this is insane to me he just want to be in the gizmo records how much is that? How much is the PR of buying this card worth is what I want to know. Not 6 million, certainly. And then how much can you sell it for? So he's going to take a hit when he tries to sell it, or maybe he won't try to sell it,

but he could always sell it. Right. He could always sell it if he wanted to. Well, I forgot to talk about this tweet about what happened when the fucking Will Smith thing happened. This was the best one. I thought this was a joke when I first saw it is by's by Sophie Hagen, who has no brain, I guess.

But like, so she is, yeah, it's a woman. So she writes, I think Will Smith should, this is so great, man. Everyone making everything about everything that it's not is just so great, right? Everyone makes everything about everything that it's not. That's what the internet does. But this woman writes, I don't know who she is. She got a blue check. She's probably a sweet lady. I'm just making fun of you. Okay. She says, I think that Will Smith should, and then hyphen, wait, looks at hands with asses around it. Oh,

hang on. I'm quite white. So maybe I don't need to have an opinion on what a black man did to another black man because of what he said about his black wife maybe i should just shut up and listen hey no no first of all what you did isn't going to stop anyone from talking it's just going to exacerbate and all exacerbated the situation you made white people look dumber than even talking about congratulations dude you can talk about anything you want. It's how the internet works. Also, this has nothing to do with race. A guy hit a guy and it was bad. Was he black? Okay. Was the other guy black?

Okay. Was the wife black? Okay. A guy hit another guy and it was bad. Dude, people making everything about everything that it's not is hilarious i don't i think that we'll switch like to think that you're a hero in this situation for black people because you tweet something like hey if you're white you shouldn't chime in on how do black people give a fuck about not chiming in also hey you're chiming in don't talk about it don't not the fucking god you know it's like

you don't know the situation period so you might as well either chime in or not it has nothing to do with the fact that you have white hands uh so dumb dude hey will smith hold on a second i've actually never worn a suit myself and they're both dressed in suits checks dress checks body wearing a frilly dress maybe i should shut up and listen a man was protecting his family let me check around check surroundings no kids but i'm at home not a mom i don't have kids those men have kids who am i to tell a man who has a family how to react on a joke about his family hmm maybe i should just shut up and listen i mean how far does it extend dude dude? Race wasn't an issue here. Also, it was hilarious that the first time

that it was presented by a black person organization, the Oscars, that this happened. Black Lives Matter. It would have been real quiet since this came out. I hate that joke. It would have been real quiet since this came out. I hate that joke. It had been real quiet since... That's it for YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the show,

the uncut ad-free episode, and all the ad-free episodes, go to patreon.com slash chrystalia, and you can get the extra episode. There's like 13 episodes or something, 12 or 13 episodes now, that aren't available except for on Patreon.

And also every month there's one Patreon episode that we don't do for YouTube. And there's other stuff too, like behind the scenes stuff with Chris videos and also the segment that we do called Review Mode. So yeah,

have at it. Patreon.com slash crystal. Yeah. Thanks.