Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 250. Sucking A Conqueror

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord watchalongs & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris discusses his recent shows in Phoenix (which were awesome), annoying noises on airplanes, and the pain of stepping on bees. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hey, everybody, and welcome to episode 250 of Congratulations. Okay, dude, it's episode 250, dude. What can I say? What can I say? I'll tell you what I can say. Your boy's got some fucking color, dude. What can I say? What can I say? I tell you what I can say your boys got some fucking color, dude

Yeah, you never fucking look better I mean he's looking probably look better five years ago, but he never looked better when it comes to about five You know in between he looks okay, dude. He looks fucking okay he's not the color of death anymore because he's been sitting in the Sun dude and One fire said that he's fucking looked good and his skin looks really good. So it's fucking on my babies. Hell. Yeah, dude. And one fire said that he's fucking looked good and his skin looks really good. So it's fucking on my babies. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, we have a good time though. I'll tell you what, man, we have a good time. Presale tickets are up on my tour. They're up on my tour on my website. And, uh, you go out there right now now and if you want to get the good seats

you go right now look if you want to get the good seats you go right now that's it if you don't want to get the good seats you don't go right now but the pre-sale is don't push me all lowercase no spaces and no spaces in case you're geriatric I say because only geriatric people don't know about not putting spaces in pre-sale tickets, but go to crystalia.com. We got Atlanta, Georgia coming up. We got Washington, DC, Stockton, California for some reason, Oakland, Peoria, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois for some reason, Raleigh, North Carolina. We've got Savannah, Georgia, Denver.

We got Cheyenne, Wyoming for some reason. We've got Boston, Massachusetts, and we've got Jacksonville, Florida. Not Jackson, Florida, because that's not a thing. So you go to chrislea.com. I'll tell you what, you go pre-sale if it's Thursday. If you're listening to this podcast on a Thursday, the day it comes out, which means you're a true fan, and you want to get the good seats, then you go, you put the pre-sale in, you put Don't Push Me. You don't want to get the good seats, then you go Friday and you go on the general on sale. Either way, you're coming out to the shows.

I can't wait to do these dates. Phoenix was unbelievably fun and it was great. And the energy there was fantastic. And honestly, that's why he's got some color. And that's why he looks good because he's got new life in him, dude. He's got some color and that's why he looks good because he's got new life in him dude he's got some new life in him and uh i went swimming with the boy and the family and it was just great but i was in phoenix and uh we'll have that vlog coming out on the more crystalia channel later on but um yeah we did phoenix um we all went as a family i I brought a bunch of, I brought Craig Conant, killer,

Mike Linoci, killer, and I brought the family. Calvin came and Kristen came and we were in Phoenix and yeah, I mean, Jesus, I don't even know what to say, man. It was the first out of town gig that I did, that I took a flight to do in three years. I mean, the last time I did it, I think was the last show I did was somewhere in Florida, I believe before the pandemic just in 2019. Um, so it's been three years. Um, and, uh, it's just been super, uh, I don't know, man, I, I, I, I've been doing a lot of clubs and stuff and I and I didn't even realize that this was the biggest venue that I'd done. I mean, this seats 2,700 seats or something, and we did two of them.

So it was absolutely insane. It was in the round. I've never played in the round before except for the one time. It was the same theater that I went to go break into Brian Callen's set. It's in the round. And that celebrity theater is absolutely amazing. I mean, it really is, dude. And I like playing in the round.

It's different though, because, you know, I do hear when you're in the round, when you do a theater in the round, and you do a joke, you can definitely see the people that you're looking at laughing the hardest and they laugh harder than the people behind you, which is very interesting. Very interesting.

And I know that's very interesting because when I was telling it to Ivan Getridov before this show, he said, oh, that's very interesting. So that's very interesting. And the celebrity theater was great though, man. The energy was fucking bonkers. You could see on my Instagram, I posted a um and the vlog's coming in and i'll you know you'll see that too but like at the end i brought kristin and calvin and all and the other comedians on stage and calvin came up with his headphones kristin got him little headphones or uh i guess earmuff headphones that they're

quieter noise reduction headphones you know whatever the fuck and uh he came out with them on and everyone was fucking screaming so loud and then they fell off and he started crying so it was too loud so it's a good thing good on christopher getting those earmuff headphones um but my god man i just feel honestly so grateful and i know i say that a lot now but i just really do like i mean those fan man those people the people who came out in Phoenix, those people, you guys are something special, like, you guys just, I mean, when I took that stage, and you guys were just fucking stood up and started screaming, I mean, you motherfuckers, I saw, I feel like I saw all of you, we were all together, right, that's what I'm talking about when I build this

log cabin, man, you're all invited, We got to build one big motherfucking log cabin. You know? Some of those dudes at the meet and greet were fucking big and burly. They can help, you know? I saw some tall drinks of water come to the meet and greet, dude. Mm-hmm. Very, very, very personable.

Very nice people at the meet and greet. They said, we know Phoenix. Everyone always says this no matter what town I'm in. I know this place sucks, but thanks for coming. No, I love it, dude. That's why I'm there. I picked Phoenix, sucks, but thanks for coming. No, I love it, dude. That's why I'm there. I picked Phoenix one because it's one of my favorite places to go.

And it's so fucking hot. And I love it, man. You step out, you can put fucking fry an egg on that concrete, but I loved it, dude. And everyone was complaining, you know, Mike Linoche, another comedian that came with me, he was like, it's so hot and he's sweating no matter what, dude. It's got to be fucking 69 degrees for him. But we stayed at Kristen's mom's house, which is my new favorite thing to fucking do on the road is to be in a house, man. I think I'm off this hotels thing. But we got to the house and it was just nice as shit. We might do some Airbnbs, you know what I mean? Just hire some security to stand outside

just with fucking big ass shotguns. Really small dudes with big ass shotguns. I want to hire, you know, a lot of guys hire big security guys. I want to hire fucking small persons. Just fucking small, small, the smallest small people we can find. But like 40 years old, but like

super like, you know, small and like, you know what I mean? Like, like a small person, like I'm, you know what I'm talking about, right? Like, I can't say the, you do not, but you do know what I'm talking about, but like they're big, almost as big as a shotgun. Like they have to, if you try to break into Airbnb, cause you know, Crystal Lee is there, then you got, they drag the shotguns over and they say, you know, Hey guys, actually you got to step off the lawn. Crystal Lee is here. And then they say to the other small person, help me out. And then one of them holds the trigger and the other guy holds the fucking barrel like a bazooka.

And they go, step off the lawn, baby. And so, yeah, but it was really nice. We stayed at her house. Myla Nochi and his girl stayed there. And then Craig Conan. No, he didn't actually. The cameraman, Sam, stayed. And it was fucking nice, dude.

He likes the air at 69. I like the air at 78. And we compromised on 72 because it's extra hot in Phoenix. And I loved it, dude. I just love that heat. People are like, huh, the heat? I'm like, nope, dude. Make me evaporate.

I love it. I want my lips cracked. That's the only thing that's bad about the heat is heat is dry heat made my lips cracked and I could barely take it. I didn't take a poop the whole time. I don't take poops anymore. When I go, when the shit's over 75, when the shit's over 80 degrees outside, I don't take poops. My anus goes like this. I'm all good. I'm all good, man. I'll sit on the toilet. Sometimes I think I need to go. And you know what comes out? This sound. Meow. Nothing, dude. Nothing. The anus just goes meow like it's hitting a note.

Ha. That's what it does. No poop comes out. I don't even think Calvin. I think Calvin like father like son, dude. But Calvin came with me to the show and everyone came with me to the show. And it was just so beautiful, man. He kept saying, I'm at Dada's work.

It's I'm at Dada's has work he needs to work on talking but dude it was so sweet and i hugged him before i went on stage and he gave me a high five before i went on stage and i walked out there and i just fucking saw like kristin holding him in the sometimes when i was doing jokes and i saw fucking it was just beautiful man i love seeing you guys you guys came out with the life rips apparel, I love it, all right, enough of this, man, I'm just super grateful, and it was awesome, and then at that words, we came back, and I fucking was like, let's turn on some shitty TV, you know how your boy likes to do it, turn on some shitty TV, and then there were those people that were like, no, no, you know, I don't know, man, let's just talk. We have a good, I'm like, dude, you turn on some shitty TV and you also talk

though. Because if you do that, you get the best of both worlds. And then we ordered food and it was terrible. Definitely got cancer from it, but we got, you know, it was great. We're sitting at my fucking mother-in-law's house eating fucking dirty burgers and just watching this movie Catch and Release with Jennifer Garner in it. And I ended up falling asleep on the couch, which means one thing. Your boy's peaceful, dude. If he's falling asleep on the couch, he's peaceful, especially in a room full of six people. Dude, and I went to fall asleep. And before I knew it, the lights were out.

And I'm waking up. And Mike Linoche's girlfriend is waking me up. And I say, huh? And she says, do you want to go to bed? You fell asleep out here. You're snoring. And I'm waking up and Mike Linoche's girlfriend is waking me up and I say, huh? And she says, do you want to go to bed? You fell asleep out here. You're snoring. And I got pissed but couldn't get mad at her because she's not my girlfriend.

When someone's sleeping, just let them go, dude. Why you got to wake them up to move them? Dude, if I fall asleep at a baseball game and the game's over, leave me there. I've done it. You wait. Hey, hey. I don't fucking agree with this hey hey you want to go to you want to go you want to go wake up and go to sleep somewhere else huh this is the goal i dude goal achieved. Sleeping unlocked. Hey, it's like, dude, we don't eat at restaurants all the time.

You see a guy walking down the sidewalk. You don't fucking, hey, bro, go in the place there. There's a restaurant there. Go ahead. You can sleep anywhere. Hey, wake up. She goes like that, and I go, huh? She says, you want to go in the bed?

You're snoring, and we all went to bed and i go okay she leaves anger rising all good though right because it's not you know it's adjacent the way i know her i know her and she's a great girl but it's adjacent how i know her she's my friend now but just you know what i mean like you thank god when your fucking friends have a cool girlfriend thank god right you, when your friend gets a girlfriend, you're like, yeah, this'll be great. I can't wait to meet her. She shows up and it's just like, whoa, here she comes watch out or she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes. And then she's just like, Hey, and you're like, Oh no. But in your head, she's a man eater. Watch out.

I harmonize. Mostly because I can't go high like that. Whoa, here she comes. Watch out or she'll be chewing you up. The Russian version, the foreign version. Whoa, here she comes. She eats men. Watch out.

Barbershop quartet on my own. it's just uh so she's a great bro my buddy luck the fuck out he's like i luck the fuck out dude when you luck the fuck out with a girl holy shit how many guys can say that honestly how many guys can say that you're probably driving in your car right now you know i can say that most days i know love is a hard thing right it's ups and downs and ups and downs and ups and downs and it keeps going and you have your problems lord knows i've had my problems right we've had our problems in our relationship and mostly it's me right okay do you know what i mean mostly the problems are me right because i'm me and my brain's fucked up but mostly it's me, right? Okay. Do you know what I mean? Mostly the problems are me, right? Because I'm me and my brain's fucked up, but mostly it's me, but also it can be both of us.

But even if it's sometimes her, it's mostly me, right? It turns back around on you. Women can never really get in trouble in your relationship, you know, because they have that whole thing where they start crying and then you go like this, I'm sorry. And then you go, no. And you're just like, great dude. And in their head, they're just, just whoa here he comes watch out he's fucking gaslighting whoa here he comes he's a piece of shit a douchebag whoa here's here he comes he doesn't do the dishes when he said he would whoa here he comes he promised to do them watch out

worst song ever dude whoa here he comes he was hanging out with my friends whoa here he comes I had to text him in private When he was here Whoa, here he comes I had to text him Hey, can you act like you're interested? Whoa, here he comes Should have pulled him aside It's his fault So that's what's up, dude

And you know what I'm saying It's very relatable So that's what we did And she fucking woke me up And then I got, you know, the anger was rising. She went to bed. And then the TV was out. The lights were out. And I go like this. Man, I just want to be asleep here, but I'm not. You know what? Do it now, dude. Do it now. Do it fucking now. It was like a guy had a gun to my head. And I knew I fucked up. Do it now. Do it now. Do it. In my head. And I just got up with one fell swoop. I went into the fucking bathroom, took out my contacts, and I fucking fell into bed, dude. And I went off to dreamland. And then I woke up. And guess what happened? I woke up. And I walk out to the kitchen.

And Kristen is with Calvin. And Calvin is chilling, doing stuff like, you know, he was playing with a dinosaur that he really liked. A T-Rex. And I walk out there and I go, I'll play with the T-Rex a little bit, but I'm very, very, I don't, when I wake up, dude, my hair looks like the fucking German at the end of a movie in a fucking James Bond, end of James Bond movie, right? Like it's messed up. It looks like the plane's going down. It looks like I'm about to go, no, and it's about to zoom in. And then my face is going to illuminate with an explosion.

That's what my hair looks like when I wake up, a German at the end of a James Bond movie. And I have my glasses on, but I keep one eye. For some reason, when I wake up, I keep one eye fucking like half shut. I don't know if I'm acting in real life, if I'm like acting more tired than I am. You know, sometimes you're dramatic and shit. But I walked out and then I walked back into the bedroom. And now I'm in Arizona, okay? I walked back into the bedroom, all right?

Now, you're going to be as confused as I was when I tell you this story, okay? I walked back into the bedroom and I'm going to go plop down onto the bed again. And before I go plop down into the bed again, all of a sudden, searing pain in my big toe. And I don't mean like I stepped on a nail. I mean like, hey, why does this pain keep growing every second? And now I get so scared because I'm in a foreign land. I'm in the foreign land of Phoenix, right? If I felt that pain here in LA, I'd probably just sit down and be like, oh my God. But I was in Phoenix, so I thought, what's happening? My whole world is not what my world usually is because I'm fucking however many miles away, 800 miles away from my house.

So it could be anything. We're in Phoenix. Is it a scorpion? I mean, this pain was searing, dude. And I go, oh, oh, oh, like that, really loud. I go, oh, oh, oh. And Krista says, what happened? And I sit down and I say, I don't know.

Like that. Like a Will Ferrell character. And it gets harder and it hurts more. And I said, what's happening? What did I step on? I stepped on a bee. I looked down. It's a fucking bee on the fucking Calvin's grandma's carpet

BELLY UP! Dude the bees already dead, but just fucking waiting to sting me dude My fucking big toe felt like it was lopped off. And I looked down and a bee's fucking sleeping with the fishes. There's a stinger in my foot. in my foot. Sometimes you find out what kind of a man you really are, dude. Now, how do I step on a bee inside?

How does it happen? As a matter of fact, I want to ask you, audience of congratulations, faithful babies, future log cabin residents, future tall grass sitters, dressed in white, sharing ideas. I want to ask you, count, how many bees you seen inside?

Me? One. Belly up on grandma's carpet dude i forgot how bad bees sting hurt i forgot that i forgot about that i forgot about that dude i forgot how bad bees stings hurt did Did you know that? I've been stung by a bee three times, all right, in my life. Once, no, wait, twice, no, four times. Once, I was a kid and I was near a tree and I had my shirt off and all of a sudden I felt that sweet searing pain on my back and I ran faster than ever back to my house. I didn't know what happened. My mom said, you got stung by a bee. That was one. Number two was when I was younger in New Jersey, still both in New Jersey, I was getting out of a pool at the fucking public pool. I got out,

I put my tummy down on the fucking ledge. All of a sudden, that sweet, sweet searing pain on my tummy. Screamed a lot with goggles on. Ran to my parents. It was fine. I was like nine. Okay? You can scream a lot when you're nine.

Number three, I was at jujitsu. Okay? I leave jujitsu barefoot out. I've told this story on my podcast before. I step on something. It hurts. Doesn't hurt that bad, though. I drive all the way home to Burbank, and then I realize, holy shit, did I step on a syringe?

I'm scared. I was in fucking West Hollywood in a parking lot, and there's fucking addicts there. So I drove all the way back to check for the syringe. I'm like, I'm never going to find it. And there was no lie, a bee belly up on the parking lot. And the fourth time in my life was last Saturday on grandma's rug. And that one hurts so fucking much i can't even believe it so it's fine and i the one thing i said that makes me know i'm a good person when i got fucking stung by a by a fucking bee that by a dead bee is oh man thank god it was me you know that's the kind of guy i am dude it's the kind of guy i am thank god it was me because I didn't want it to be Calvin.

Right. And then, so when I was like holding my foot, I was like, thank God it was me. It could have been Calvin. And then I fucking made sure. Cause Kristen was there. I said, or you like, I wouldn't want it to be her. I'd rather it be me, but my heart was all, I, you know, think about fucking Calvin getting stung by bee. We don't even know if he's allergic yet. Calvin could get stung by a bee and all of a sudden fucking blow up. right? So thank God it was me, that fucking bee. And then I walked outside and Mike Linoche was there, dude, and he was just like, yeah, you know, he's like, oh, so he stepped on a bee? So what?

It doesn't hurt. It's dead. You can't get stung by a dead bee. Wrong. No whimmies, no whimmies, no whimmies, no whimmies. You can, dude. And he didn't know that, so I taught him a lesson. So I'm an educator, and also he's dumb.

Um, so yeah, I did that and I made it through dude. Times get hard, but I made it through the Phoenix trip. It made me think about fucking like that. Kings of pain,

right? Isn't that what it's called? The Kings of pain show. We talked about it earlier. Yeah. Dude, they're doing a season two of it. It's on like something like the Outdoors channel or whatever the fuck. There's like, you know what I mean?

Discovery where the guys just take a scorpion and they just fucking put it on their forearm and wait till the scorpions take it. Dude, I don't know how they do that. That B was enough for me. What level is B? I don't know. They rate it though. They get fucking bit by by a fucking python or whatever

the poisonous one is. And then they're like, they gotta go like sit there and rate the pain. And it's like, dude, one bee sting, I'm out. I'm done, dude. If I was in Kings of Pain, I'm out. We go, time for the bee sting. And I go,

okay, here we go. Sting. I go, oh, oh, dude, I gotta get in one of those jeeps. We gotta go. Sting. I go, oh, oh, dude, I got to get in one of those Jeeps. We got to go back. I got to fly back, dude. What the fuck am I doing? I got to fly back to America right now. What am I doing in Africa? Let me the fuck.

These guys fucking kill it, dude. They go out and get fucking, and not just like, I feel like they got bit by so many things earlier last season that this time it's going to be like, we're fucking, here we are at the Australian Barrier Reef or whatever. We're going to jump off and get fucking, see how much, we're going to rate great white bites. Here we go. And then just fucking jump in, never see them again. Just a big pool of red blood. And they go, we rate a

great white shark bite a 10. And the other guy's like, oh, man. And then he's like, oh, let's go try a fucking beetle. And then Ringo comes out, oh, what's up? And just bites him. Worst joke ever. How's it going?

So Australian, Not British. So yeah. Anyway, Kings of Pain. I stepped on a B. So that's cool. The Phoenix trip was cool, man. When I was coming home,

well, two things happened happened that one thing happened that made me feel like i'm pretty i dated a girl once probably 10 no it was 10 years ago yeah and she would always say i hate loud sounds and i hate like sounds that don't agree with me. And like, it bothers me so much. And I always thought it was so silly. Cause I'm just like, they're just sounds who gives a shit. What are you a dolphin? You know? And she would be like, I just like loud noises or like when somebody's being annoying, annoying, it's like really puts me off. And I'm like, all right. And I think about that all the time. And now I'm fucking like that. Okay. I was on the plane, dude. the time and now i'm fucking like that okay i was on the plane dude and you know my family's sleeping calvin's watching the ipad and all he's doing is he's watching a fucking ipad um everyone's

kristen's sleeping and calvin's watching an ipad that is like uh it's this fucking really colorful cartoon on some streaming service i guess guess Netflix, he downloaded it. And he's like, all he's doing is playing with the brightness of it. I look and it's just going bright and dark, bright and dark. And I look and he's just fucking, I don't even know how to do it, but he's sitting there just

fucking, you know, he's already more technologically advanced than I am on an iPad. And, um, and I'm watching him do it and he's doing it for like a fucking the whole flight. And I'm sitting there and I keep hearing. Now, you know how loud a fucking plane is, right? Like it's just, it's always humming. It's never not humming.

If a plane's not humming, you're about to die. But you're on the plane, you're 30,000 feet in the air. And I hear humming. But I also hear. And then for a while, I don't hear it. So I'm like. Fuck, where is that? and then for a while I don't hear it, so I'm like, uh, the fuck, where is that, is it in my head, how close would somebody have to be to you,

if you're on a plane, and then you hear, that was the exact noise. Ahoo! Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, I'm so comfortable during this podcast that I'll sneeze. I don't get insecure. Fuck yeah, dude. You understand how happy that makes me? I'm so comfortable that I think, oh, I got to sneeze.

And then I don't think, uh-oh. I think, well, let's just roll with it, dude. Because I'm raw and what you see is what you get. And that's my duty to you guys. Cause this is a cult. I would never fucking not sneeze for you. Fuck yeah, dude. Sneeze with me. If you really respect someone, you'll sneeze around, you'll, you'll around, you'll sneeze around them. But anyway, um, I did that for you. And you know, it's like, I don't want to be like, Anyway, I did that for you. And, you know, it's like, I don't want to be like, you're welcome, but it's a gift and like, it's all good. So I'm sitting there and.

Now the fucking flight is an hour and five minutes. By the way, airlines just say like an hour. You don't need to like, how long is the flight? They're always so smug with it. One 11. Okay. You know, just say it's going to be about an hour. You know? The flight time to Denver is currently three hours and 23 minutes.

All right, dude. What do you think? Like, it's going to be 3.25 and I'm going to be like, you know, you got to fucking, you lied. So I hear. And I'm like, all right, I'm, where is it, you know what I mean, and I'm getting fucking, and I, but I'm like, I think the guy in front of me is making that noise, so I do the thing where, like, you appear, I'm on the one seat, you know, I'm in the one row seat, because I'm in first class, and I fucking look, and I don't mean to fucking brag but you know what I mean no dents and so I fucking look over to the crack of the inside and the and the chair and and I think I'm gonna say something to him if he's making this noise and I look and he's

watching something on his phone and it's set up and I look and I think well what's he watching right and it's in fucking it's got Spanish subtitles on look and I think, well, what's he watching, right? And it's in fucking, it's got Spanish subtitles on it. So I'm like, the guy fucking maybe doesn't even speak English. So now I can't even fucking say anything to him, right? But guess what, dude? It's a universal language. So I'm pissed in all the languages with it.

But it's like shooting through the fucking hum of the airplane. You know what I mean? It's not loud or soft enough, but it's just that. So I'm like, I got to see what the fuck this guy's doing. So I think, I don't want to be a bitch. I'm no bitch. I got to lean forward. And if he sees me, who cares?

Right? So I lean forward. And I can't see it because i'm like he's just gonna fucking see me look at his mouth but i didn't want to get up and walk pretend to go to the bathroom and come back and see if he was doing it because first of all the timing is wrong and then also of the timing may be wrong but then also he's making me do all this extra work because of this fucking bullshit sound i'm me and i should be able to do what the fuck I want. I don't need to be getting some extra steps because of this guy's mouth sucking, which I don't even know if that's what the noise is.

Right. So all this stuff's going on in my head. Right. And I'm like, great. I can't lean forward hard enough to see because he's like fucking slumped over watching this shit. And I can't see this way and I can't see this way. So I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? Because I'm a fucking badass.

I'm going to take my phone. I'm going to put it in the camera mode, face it in the selfie, right? Selfie mode. And then I'm going to fucking just go like this in front of him to see what the fuck he's doing, dude. And I want you to fucking know deep down in your heart that that's how gangster i am dude if you're making mouth noises but it's not confirmed and you're sitting in front of me on an airplane or anywhere and i'm you know and you're trying to get me to do some extra work to fucking walk forward and look back to see if you're doing it i'm not going to do that dude i'm sitting down and i'm chill fucking axed i'll fucking put my

phone in selfie mode and i'll put it in front of your face and act like we're having a moment dude that we have to capture so that's what i did dude i put selfie mode, you know, I got a little bit of nerve, you know, you get nerves, the whole thing about the no fear, it's like, what if he's going to see, oh, no, don't have fear, be a man about it, dude, I felt fear, I felt nervous, but a real man doesn't feel no fear, a real man feels fear and still perseveres, fear and still perseveres. And I've learned all about that this past two years. So this guy, I mean, he's immense me.

Phone activated in selfie mode, moved it forward way in front of his face. And I'm like, he's going to see because I didn't angle it right at first and I'm angling. I'm trying to get the angle. And I get it. And I, and, oh, whoopsie daisy. I didn't even tell you. The phone was fucking recording video. He's got evidence, too.

It wasn't just in selfie mode. Joke's on you. He's got evidence, too. He's got evidence too. He was picking his teeth. With the razor. Hey, bud. First of all, why? Second of all,

you get it on the plane. How did you get it? How? You get it on the plane, dude. Also, now I'm recording a guy who doesn't speak English sticking razors in his mouth. Trouble. But I got it. And you know what, dude?

I didn't even get his face in it because I'm good with the fucking camera, you know? So I'll put it up here in the fucking congratulations and I'll show you. But he had a fucking razor and he was picking his teeth for so long. And I didn't say anything about him, but I recorded the video and I sent it out I'll show you. But he had a fucking razor and he was picking his teeth for so long. And I didn't say anything about him, but I recorded the video and I sent it out to all my friends.

So I won that one. He's petty, but he knows the deal. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, sure. Chris D'Elia, that guy who's petty? Yeah, but he knows the deal. No, I know. That's how people talk when they talk about me.

Chris D'Elia, who's that? The petty guy? Yeah. No, but he knows the deal. No, I know, but I'm saying. Picking your teeth in public is always, it's just, it's like, honestly, for real, instead of that, turn around, open up your anus and let shit leak out. Less gross. I mean it too. Like, it's just so gross to hear the, like any burp is worse than a fart. Dude, if I'm around you and you fart, I go, come on, man. If you burp, you're off my list.

That's so gross. That stale stomach energy, gross as shit, dude. Just coming out, the bile just fucking, the fucking bile's done. Just coming out of the fucking air inside you, all that bile just fucking doing it like this, like a Daffy Duck cartoon. Bile's done.

Bileiles done. Biles done. I don't know man. It's the little shit that we talk about. That's really important for this world. So that's what happened. That was annoying. On the plane. And then when I went.

When I landed. I had to go change Calvin. Because he took a fucking poop in his diaper, finally, because we were out of that dry zone. As soon as we landed, he just fucking, you know, dropped some pebbles out. And I had to go change him because Kristen had to, I don't remember where she was, but I fucking went to the men's room to go change him. And there was like no changing area.

There was just like a ledge, like, come on, airport, get it together. You know, it was just a ledge. It wasn't even a him and there was like no changing area there was just like a ledge like come on airport get it together you know it was just a ledge it wasn't even a fucking there was like no it wasn't comfy at all and i was like come here buddy and i had to put him up there and i was like can you sit down and he sat down on this hard ledge and then he had he's like no i want dinosaur and he had his dinosaur and so i was like that's okay and i took i got to take your pants down and undid it and right and it's just fucking father and son i'm changing his diaper in the uh bathroom and i hear and this is a lesson for yeah me by is what i mean and i hear this dude in the bathroom and he's just like god damn man those shoes look comfy as shit i just hear some guy say god damn man those shoes look comfy as shit and it's too far away to be about me.

So I'm pissed. And I'm not pissed that he's not talking about how comfy my shoes look, but it's just like, don't be that loud to somebody you either know or don't know in a fucking public bathroom. And it was that loud too. Also, it's so echoey in bathrooms. He just says, God damn, those shoes look comfy as hell. Just like that. Okay.

And the guy, and then another guy says quieter. Oh yeah, they're pretty comfy, but you know, I like them. He's like, yeah, man, they're really nice. I really liked them. And it's just loud as shit. And I'm changing Calvin and I'm focusing on him. You know, I'm just like, buddy, you know, hold on. And he's starting to cry.

And I'm like, buddy, just hold on your dinosaur. It's okay. Let me get it. Let me clean you up. All right, cool know, hold on. And he's starting to cry. And I'm like, buddy, just hold on your dinosaur. It's okay. Let me get it. Let me clean you up. All right, cool. Now stand up. Here we go. And then I turn around.

As I turn around, I see this fucking two guys, a black dude with steel blue eyes. I mean, this guy had to be 50, but boy, dude, he looked fucking handsome as shit. And he said, hey, you're a good dad, man. And he had the same voice as the guy who said, goddamn, those shoes look comfy as shit. And he said, Hey, you're a good dad, man. And he had the same voice as the guy who said, God damn, those shoes look comfy as hell. And I was upset. And then when he said that and he looked at me and he said, you're a good dad. It made me feel better than fucking anything. So I was upset at the fucking T second guy. And then I got a little bit perturbed when the guy was screaming in the bathroom, but then it turned out that that guy was the guy that gave me a compliment and not only a

compliment but the best comment compliment a father could have and i felt all warm inside and behind him the guy with the comfy shoes 75 years old and just looks at me and goes like this yup and gives me a thumbs up dude i'm walking on sunshine oh it's bound to feel good. And I actually almost cried in the fucking bathroom, dude. And it would have been okay because Calvin was crying too. Fuck yeah, black dude with steel blue eyes and a fucking old white dude with shoes comfy as hell.

Oh my God, they didn't even know each other, but they made friends in the bathroom. And then they made friends with me. Just un-fucking-believable. Life is great if you just fucking, you know what I mean? If you focus on all these moments, if you just focus on them and you really understand what you're going through and living inside your body and not sleepwalking through life you know what i mean it's just beautiful because i was sleepwalking through life for so long and now i just fucking walls down like the star wars shits i just feel good dude you know and sometimes the you know the shit gets me, like the mundane stuff in life, the teeth sucking, and, you know, some days I'd have bad days, but then I fucking, you know,

I just think about how great, you gotta fucking, life rips, man, this is why I always say this, dude, but it does, man, this guy came up to me after my show in Phoenix in the meet and greet, and he was like, yo, man, I just gotta tell you, dude, you, you, you know, my buddy died, man. I just got to tell you, dude, you, you, you know, my buddy, my buddy, uh, died. He, he, I can't remember what he said, but he, I don't think it was suicide, but he said my buddy died earlier this year. And, uh, you, you know, your podcast helped me get through it. It was like, I was really sad. And like, it just like, you, you really saved me this year. Um, and, um, I don't know if I, he, he you know i'll just be fucking candid with you because i'm just not like i'm fucking airing this guy out but it was just a

guy i'm talking about that you don't know who he is but he was like i don't think i'd be here if it wasn't for your podcast and you know he was probably just speaking hyperbole but um i said to him i was like you know i he he got a little bit like emotional like his voice started cracking and i gave him a hug and I said, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm really sorry to hear that about your friend, but I'm glad you're still here. And then we hugged and I said, and in his ear, I said, life rips man. And, and it does dude, you know, cause life can't be good without the bad. You know what I'm talking about? If it was all good, if it's all good, it's not good, right? I thought life was all good until the bad happened, and then I realized how good life was.

You know? That's so fucking true like you know you sit there and you think you watch comedians you know you watch comedians and some of them aren't that good and you're like these guys guys are terrible. You might watch a comedian, he's awful. But then you see a guy that just crushes and you're like, oh yeah. And you appreciate him more because you fucking realize standup is hard and the cream rises to the top and the good moments in life can't rise to the top

if there are no other moments. He says while sipping on that purple straw life is i always think about that thing when chris rock said life is longer than a motherfucker you know because people said life is short. I always thought that was so funny and it is, but like when you get older, like it fucking,

you really think about things. Like this poor Kate Spade. By the way, I mean, I know she, she hung herself. What was it like three years ago? But the fucking,

what was it? Ultra beauty that like put out an email that was like, they put out a new fragrance and it was, and it like the tagline was come hang with kate spade shut on couth it's one of those things that's so bad and such an oversight and mistake where you're like did they mean to and of course they're

getting dragged online because everyone's fucking just wants them to you know this place should be out of business and obviously they didn't mean to do it because who the fuck would do that right it's not like their fucking uh company is run by a menace although maybe it is because i watched a little bit about i watched some documentaries not about not about the ultra beauty but about like big corporations i watched a documentary you watch a documentary about big corporations dude it's the most depressing shit because people are like what i would i watch the other day it was on hbo max i don't remember dude something about wall street oh it was about the fucking gamestop thing where they did the gamestop uh the gamestop uh where everyone put money into GameStop and GameStop exploded and then it

fucked up the whole economy. Like people fucking lost their houses because GameStop stock was going up. How fucking ridiculous is that? Just a fucking video game, brick and mortar video game store, where in a world where everyone can download video games, just obviously failing. And people on Reddit at WallStreetB street bets were just like let's just actually see if we can make people lose homes fuck the man and so they fucking they just started fucking it up and then robin hood the the app the the trading app came in and was like we're actually gonna cease it you know and uh but people lost their homes and shit just because everyone was buying gamestop and then like and then gamestop uh is still gonna go to the fucking wayside you know

but i was watching this thing and these people on this documentary were just like you know if i could have a little part of just you know fucking these guys on wall street i would love to have that i would love to be a part of of just, you know, fucking these guys on Wall Street, I would love to have that. I would love to be a part of that. Just fucking the man. And you're just like, huh. Everyone's so mad at people with money. And I'm not saying they're right or wrong.

I have no fucking idea. I'm not going to pretend I know any side of anything. Right? Because how do you know unless you're in the fucking thing? Like, I don't know how evil these guys are. I'm not sure Bernie Madoff, right? He went to jail for 150 years for doing all that shit. But like, I don't know how, I don't know this shit. Like people say the guy who did the fucking, uh, we work is a crook. He's out. He's not, he's not

in jail. He's got fucking $20 million. It's like, okay, well, I don't know. And then all of it. And then, oh, so he's not a crook, but then fucking what's her name? The, the, the Theranos girl, she is a crook. I don't know. This is like, they did the same thing, but one of them had to do with, you know, lying about curing cancer, so I guess that's worse? I don't know. And everyone's out there with their fucking opinion. And everyone's out there making documentaries with these people who have an opinion

that when they take down the man, and I don't know who's right. But that's what's up. All I'm saying is don't push me, right, don't push me, we got that fucking merch up in the store, don't push me,

chrislead.com, and we go into many, many different cities, Boston, Cheyenne, Denver, Savannah, Raleigh,

Raleigh, sorry, whoops, Rockford, Peoria, and Peoria, and New york it's in little shop of horrors just did a little fucking ditty for you oakland california stockton washington dc and atlanta georgia dude i'm gonna try and get bob to come out fucking bob is gonna come out in

my fucking atlanta show you say you heard, dude. I'm going to make him come. Wait. Pause. Pause. I do that. I say pause sometimes. God, it's so funny. If you're a comedian and you do stand-up and then there's a black audience and you make a gay joke, they'll laugh at you. You could be killing.

If you make a gay joke with a black audience, they'll be like this, nah, nah, nah, B. they do not fuck with gay humor dude nah b nah that's too far b that's what they do yeah dude you'd be crushing talking about the kitchen just fucking crushing doing some kitchen humor yeah and you ever use a fucking black and decker fucking this and they'd be fucking dying dude and then your woman comes in and then you fuck your friends nah b nah nah b never that okay you don't like that let me go into my fucking animal humor and you start doing other humor and they fucking just dying start dying again or just start talking about other shit fucking dying and then you say yeah dude and then you just start sucking a guy's dick. Nah, B.

Nah, pause on that, huh? Pause on that, dog. I was talking, I was making fun of something on the podcast the other day and fucking people online were saying I was racist. Whatever. I'm not. I was talking about Asians and how, like, fucking great they are or something. And people were like, this is racist. I thought we canceled this guy.

And I'm just like, whatever. That's the thing about it. You cancel a guy, he can say whatever he wants now. What are you going to fucking do? I'm going to fucking run for president, dude. You know what? He screamed while he sipped out the purple straw. And those four shots went into his mouth effortlessly and down his esophagus.

Dude, I'm a fucking poet, man. I should write a novel and just fucking use words like effortlessly, dude. You know how fucking good that would be? Dude, you know you're reading a fucking good novel when you read words like effortlessly, right? And he effortlessly strides through the hallway. Dude, extra words are the shit in books, man. That's why books are so long. All books should be under 220 pages. Dude,

if there's books that are longer than 220 pages, they're using words like effortlessly. Not even big words, but words that have a lot of letters in them, like effortlessly. Dude, that's when you know the shit is on, dude. That's when you know you're reading something that they're going to turn into a movie in 20 years and use the fucking guy who is in the fucking bad guy in Wonder Woman. He's going you know you're reading something that they're going to turn into a movie in 20 years and use the fucking guy who is in

the fucking bad guy in Wonder Woman. He's going to be in it. Who's that fucking guy? God damn, he's in everything because he's fucking Latino. Dude, he's a good actor though, right? He was in Narcos. What the Narcos didn't know What was the fucking, what's the thing? What the cartel didn't know was

How much voiceover that the Narcos had? What the police didn't know was. How much voiceover that the narcos had. What the police didn't know was. But what they didn't understand was. We understood everything. But what they didn't know was. We were so educated on this topic. They didn't have the education that we had. We were educated on this topic.

So when the plane touched down, what the narcos didn't want us to, what they didn't want us to know was, but we already were miles ahead of them. Dude, I need to start doing some voiceovers, man. My son dances so much much It's crazy, dude And it's not even that good But it's cute as shit

I guess if he was a good dancer It'd be less cute It'd be weird when he fucking When he's a good I don't When little kids are good at shit I don't like that Like, you know

Do you ever see like Who is that fucking one Dakota Fanning Was she a child actress? Is that her name? And she was like fucking eight On the couch in Atlanta And she's like

Well, I'll tell you, Jay And you're just like Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa How weird is that her name and she was like fucking eight on the couch in Atlanta when she's like well I'll tell you Jay and you're just like whoa whoa whoa look how weird is that you know what I mean no knock I'm sure she had a great childhood and great parents but it's just like when you see a kid that's just like hello Howie Mandel what I'll be doing tonight on America's Got Talent is and you're just like oh don't be so polite man if you're a kid be rude rude. You know how much Calvin says no. And I say, Hey, you can't say that, but secretly I know you can. And I love that he's doing it because being defiant is fucking amazing. Cause you know what sucks rules, but I go by him, right? I go by him. Cause then if anything bad happens, it's your fault. fault he's got fucking he looks nice dude he looks nice with the fucking dmx chain and the

fucking kenzo shirt with the fucking nice little bit of color he got in phoenix dude he looks nice with the salt and pepper beard and he wishes it was in his hair more, but it's not, dude. And he lets nature do its thing. I'm not the kind of guy who dyes my hair. I never dyed shit. Never dyed my hair once, not even as a kid when all the wrestlers were doing it with the blonde hair.

I wasn't a wrestler, but also it leaked out into the other population of the school and everyone started dying their hair yellow like fucking Eminem. But this was even before Eminem. But your boy never succumbed to that dude because anytime lots of people are doing some shit your boy waits on the sidelines for it to end lots of renters but dude he feels good man okay and uh yeah dude i never dyed my hair i see sometimes people say dude, you dye your hair, bro. And it's like, why would I dye only

my head hair? You ever think of that? Do a little bit more. This is what I have to say about people. Just in general. Do a little bit more thinking before of what you're going to say. Do a

little bit more thinking. I posted a picture about how I'm going to be on my, what do you call it, on my Instagram, where I'm going to be and shit in my cities. And just, this is the caption, announcement, 10 a.m. your time on Wednesday, pre-sale code, don't push me. Get the good tickets quick. They'll go. Be ready. Let's do this. Link in bio.

And somebody posts, where do we get the tickets? Like, I just don't understand. You know? I don't understand what's happening in the most basic way. But yeah, I got to take a piss. I'll be right back. Okay, we're back here. I'm going to watch this video I saw this week.

And this is the most insecure freestyle of all time. It's on an Idol, one of the Idol shows. What is it, like fucking Russian Idol, American Idol? Russian American Idol, whatever the fuck it is. First of all, those shoes, bang. Whatever that guy's wearing these shoes are unbelievable It says the best audition freestyle ever Also if this is American Idol

They don't do rappers you know But he raps and he does a freestyle And this kid just basically looks like a school shooter So here's the freestyle he does I hope you're feeling my flow If not bitch You'd make me late for my show Oh Real G Cause I don't give a fuck I hope you're feeling my flow. If not, bitch, you'd make me late for my show. Oh.

Real G. Cause I don't give a fuck. You poor motherfucker. If you're like me, suck my cock. Go and don't stop. If you're like me. Oh, wow. If you're like me, suck my cock.

You know? Such a weird kink. Are you like me? Suck my cock. Dude, fucking. She says, oh, stop, stop. Dude, that reminds me of one time when I was in New York. I went to New York University for a fucking almost a year uh and uh uh i had a

roommate named on shul who now that i think about it not that i not that i think about it i knew back then but he was like a big fan of osama bin laden and i didn't even know who that was back then because it was before 9 11 and boy do i know who he is now but he was just like um we didn't like each other you know I'm gonna be honest he just didn't he didn't like my uh my humor I think um and anyway he uh one time I was singing that song I wanna lick you up and down until you say stop. And he said, stop. And I laughed so hard, dude. The guy annoyed me so much.

I left school before he did, and I was never going to see him again. And I took the receiver of the phone, and I fucking threw it away like a fucking little bitch. I threw the receiver of the phone this way when the phone rang, and somebody tried to call him. It would just ring and ring and ring,

and he couldn't get the receiver. But that's payback, dude. That's payback for being a dick to me and liking Osama bin Laden. Anyway, dude, so this lady's like, stop, stop, stop. Dude, this freestyle. I mean, said the N-word. If not, bitch, you'd make me late for my show. I'm a real G.

Why does he sound like a robot? I'm a real G. You'd make me late for my show. I'm a real G. Cause I don't give a fuck. You poke motherfucker. If you're like D. Cause I don't give a fuck. You poke motherfucker. If you're like me suck my cock.

Go and don't stop. Stop, stop, stop. If you're like me suck my cock. Wow. Look, these are the dates, dude. Alright? These are the fucking dates I'm doing. And these are the... You could be... You know, you could be like,

oh, what about Chicago? Yeah, they're all coming, dude. Just right now, this is what we're doing. Atlanta, Georgia, September 9th. Washington, D.C., September 10th. Stockton, California, Oakland. Peoria, October 7th. Raleigh, October 21st.

Savannah, Denver, Colorado, November 5thth cheyenne wyoming november 6th boston massachusetts and jacksonville florida in december so go to chrisley.com get those good tickets and you have to put in the code if you're listening to this on thursday put in the code don't push me if you listen to this on friday then just go and get those tickets but get the good seats with the code on thursday or wednesday or thursday what's the past wednesday well patreon people will hear this well that's the episode for youtube today if you want to catch the rest of the episode the uncut episode go over and go on over to patreon.com uh chris slash chris delia and patreon.com slash chris delia and that's where you can get the rest

of the episode you also have 13 other episodes because we release one every month that is not for the public only for Patreon subscribers. So go binge watch them now. Sign up at patreon.com slash chrisdalia and we also have other things that we do behind the scenes stuff and also this segment we do called review mode where we review lots of stuff like movie trailers and Thanksgiving dinner and all that shit.

Anyway, chrisdalia.com or, well, no, patreon.com slash chrisda. Thank you. Alright. Let's do it.