Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 252. Strictly Hetero

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncut/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has a few more thoughts about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, shares some stories from his medical history, and is planning on getting a nose job. Also, what does he hit to get an outside line? Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions Hey guys, and welcome to a very special episode of Congratulations. Hell yeah, what's up guys? It's Chris D'Elia, and here we are with the crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, and I got it here with the green straw. The straw's too thin, but it's all good. I need to have a coffee channel is what I need to do. You know how like that guy Dave Portnoy does the fucking one-bite pizza? I need a one-sip coffee, dude. I should fucking do that, dude.

That is a good idea. Why don't I do that? Come on, motherfuckers. Let's do this shit. One-sip coffee. That's what I'll do. I'll go to different places. You'll find me in fucking different places, dude.

I mean, you'll find me in fucking, I'll go to, what do you call it? Omaha and just sip. I'll go to Omaha for one sip, dude. Nobody's ever done that in the world, man. That's some Japanese shit. Some Japanese dude would do that. Just to go somewhere for one sip. That's so fucking poetic.

A Japanese, that was just Japanese and shit to go to fucking somewhere for one sip i had to fly to omaha to have the one sip of a coffee super racist to do that voice but whatever man it's 2022 nothing's changing anytime soon and uh i'm not racist so we're all good but i did the voice and maybe you think it is racist but whatever dude, dude. We do voices, you know. I'm going to be in different cities. Not doing the one-sip-them thing, you know, maybe further on down the line, but I'm doing the cities for my tour. ChrisLeah.com for my tour. That's what's up.

I got a bunch of different places coming up. I'm going to Atlanta. I'm going to D.C. I'm going to Boston. I'm going to Jacksonville, Florida. These are places, dude? Stockton, Oakland, California. Atlanta, September 9th is going to be freaking litty. Oh, I'm also doing the Hollywood California Improv, May 25th. That's just for fun, Chris Alia and friends. Keeping it litty. Pe Peoria, keeping it Liddy. Rockford, Illinois, keeping it Liddy. Raleigh,

North Carolina, keeping it soupy Liddy. Savannah, Georgia, Liddy as shit. Denver, Colorado. November 5th, get your tickets at crystalia.com. Cheyenne, Wyoming. Boston, Massachusetts, November 12th, almost sold out. Jacksonville, Florida,

December 3rd, keeping it absolutely freaking Liddy. So, this tour is 12th, almost sold out. Jacksonville, Florida, December 3rd, keeping it absolutely frinkin' litty. So this tour is bonkers, dude. And we're going and we're doing it all. And that's how we do it. I got the reflecting sunglasses on right now, taking them off. But I like the reflecting ones because when you talk to me, you see you. When you talk to me, you see you, dude. And so that's what's up.

So if you're talking shit, when you're looking at me, you're talking shit secretly to yourself if you look closely. Rack focus then when you talk shit. Rack focus when I've got the reflectos on. Rack focus. Who are we really talking to? You're talking to yourself, dude. That's it, man.

Oh, shit, dude. You must hate yourself, me and the reflectos. Me and the fucking reflectos. Oh, you must really hate yourself. That's me, dude. So anyway, I'm sipping real nice on the thin green straw from Earth Cafe. The Thin Green Straw by Ridley Scott with Frances McDormand The Thin Green Straw A Woman Wandering Around

Trying to Recycle The Thin Green Straw Anyway, dude, that's where I'm gonna be. Keeping it litty, Boston's almost sold out. The Boston babies come out, dude. It's like I'm running around with a fucking bunch of beans in my pockets dude what the fuck uh so yeah man we're flying by the seat of our pants and uh if you want to go see michael lenochi he's a very funny comedian our vine improv he's gonna be in may 26th and reno

nevada june 2nd he fucking opens for me sometimes and the guy's really funny i told him i plug his dates i'm a nice friend what can you say so yeah we got merch also on chris d'alia.com get that merch for the fucking shows we got that don't push me shit we got that um uh oops shit i keep meaning to wear the shit i'm on the podcast the oops merch but i don't do it i got the gallery department shit on right now this shirt costs way way, just a pretty penny. And it's just some regular fabric, dude. It's just some regular fabric, man. People just be buying that shit because it's on a billboard and some chicks just on the billboard. It's not even for women.

And it's like says gallery department for men or some shit. And there's a woman on the billboard just like this. And you're just like, all right, dude, I guess I got to buy it, man. They got me a hook line and sinker dude they got me didn't they man i saw fucking jay-z in a music video wearing fucking gallery department they got me dude they fucking got me immediately so i got the neon green one and then i put it in the wash and it faded a little bit because it's just some regular fabric yeah maybe i put it with the wrong shits maybe i put it with the wrong shits. Maybe I put it with the

wrong shits, but I did it. I went to the bank, you know, the other day just to fucking deposit some funds, right? Because I asked for checks at my gigs. Wire the money. It doesn't feel real, right? Right? It doesn't feel real if you wire the money. So I get the check and I travel to the bank. That's like one of my chores, dude. Because I want to feel like a real person. I want to have the money in hand. I don't want to fucking deposit it in hand, dude. So your buddy takes racks, brings it to the bank, fucking gives it to them like a real person.

And I'm there. And this guy comes in. Dude, there should be a game show in Los Angeles called Homeless or Trendy. That's honestly what the fucking game show should be. The guy comes in and I go like this, this guy is either like going to drop fucking stacks here. He's either going to fucking like, he's either walking in. Like my phone is heavy from all the amount of money I've been depositing in it. Even virtually digitally. It's still my phone's heavy from the, from the digital money or they're going to ask him to leave.

I have no fucking idea if this guy's worth $8 billion or $0 billion. I have no idea. The guy comes in and he's like, kind of, you know, he's either limping or walking cool. And he says to the guy who's there, like the manager or something, you got an outside line. So now I'm like, I don't even know even more. Right. Cause he's either homeless and crazy or entitled.

Right. He's like, you got an outside line. And guess what? Not only do I not know this, the fucking manager at the bank doesn't know it, right? So he's like, oh, God, I don't know if he's a customer or not. And I don't want to fucking throw a guy out. And then, you know, it's all over the news. I threw out a fucking $8 million hedge fund, dude.

So the guy's like, look, we got plenty of phones, obviously. He says, yeah, we got one over here. And he goes like that. And the guy goes, oh, can I use it? And he says, um, um, sure. I'm sure. When I was a fucking, when I was in high school, I went with my friend, Brandon Goody, and we went to the shoe place to buy some shoes.

And this guy was so nervous, man. He looked like M. Night Shyamalan and he was at the fucking place and he owned the shoe store or no, he was just a worker. This shoe store. I don't know, but he looked like M. Night Shyamalan. This was before M. Night Shyamalan was popping. This was before, right back when M. Night Shyamalan was just known for making Stuart Little, right?

There was no, are you dead yet Yet fucking movie or whatever it's called. Are You Dead Yet? Like it's with fucking Ice Cube. Are You Dead Yet? It's like a family comedy with Ice Cube. From the makers of? How the fuck is Ice Cube in family movies by the way straight out of compton motherfucker motherfucker name ice cube and like 15 later he's like did y'all pack lunches did you eat your did you eat your breakfast boys from fuck the police to do you like your eggs sunny side up

in just 11 years um and i was at the fucking uh shoe place with my buddy and my and and the and he was so nervous and the end we were and we were like any shoe we asked he was like do you have these in a 13 and he would always say, actually, we used to have these, okay? Dude, he did it three times. And we're like, okay, I guess we're just going to go. Dude, imagine having a store and you go in and you have to say that three times to somebody. Actually, you know what? We used to have these, but we don't have them anymore.

And we don't have them in your size. And we left and me and Brendan were like, what the fuck, dude? How many times did you say we actually used't have them in your size and we left and me and brendan were like what the fuck dude how many times you say we actually used to have them and dude we don't do that and i think about that all the time we actually we used to have them and so that guy was so nervous telling us that he didn't have the shoes and it made me think of the guy in the bank that was like do you have an outside line he was like actually i immediately actually we used to have one but now we use cell phones and so anyway he was in the bank and he was like, sure, you could use this one. And he goes like, and he says, and bro, the conversation, I couldn't even believe it. The guy was like, okay, cool.

And then the guy picks up the phone and then the banker guy, he was like, okay, you just got to hit nine first. And like, we all know this conversation, right? When you're out of work, you got to hit nine first. And like, we all know this conversation, right? When you're out of work, you got to hit nine first. Sometimes you got to be reminded for right. You go, you start to die like a fucking asshole. One, eight, Oh, you know, do the fucking one, eight, one, eight, whatever the three, two, three. And you, and then it goes and you're like, what the fuck? You don't hear anything. And you're like, Oh, whoops. I'm, I'm a piece of shit today. I was, I haven't used a phone in 30 years because this is what has been happening in businesses for the past 30 years. And I didn't dial to get an outside line. Right. And you say, do, and then like an asshole, you'll be like, do I have to hit something first? When you know,

you just hit nine. They're never like, yeah, hit four. It's always nine. So you're a big piece of shit, but sometimes you forget, and sometimes it's okay, right? And if you're a homeless person or a billionaire, you might be so out of touch on either end of the spectrum that you're like, you know what? I don't know how to hit the shits.

I just work with my cell phone. So the guy's like, picks up the thing, and then the banker preempts that conversation and he says you have to hit nine first to get an outside line and the guy says and then and then just and then what and the banker guy's like just no well that's it just hit nine and then just whatever you're gonna to dial to get the number. And the guy says, so then hit one or don't hit one? And he says, well, if it's the number that you're going to dial,

just you got to hit the area code. And then the guy says, so just the area code? And he says, well, no, you hit nine just to get the outside line. And he says, right. And then I just hit the area code? And he says, well, no, you hit nine just to get the outside line. And he says, right. And then I just hit the area code. And this is so loud, dude. And there's literally like six people in the bank. And he's like, so just hit nine.

Then you'll hit whatever it is you need to use. And the guy says, so nine and then one and then whatever area code, the guy says. And I'm looking at the thing like this. I'm literally like this. And everyone is looking. It was one of those moments where something weird is happening in an establishment and everyone then knows each other, you know?

Like one time a guy came into the fucking coffee bean. I used to run over on Coldwater. I mean, I used to be the fucking sultan of the coffee bean and tea leaf. I used to be the fucking bean czar at coffee bean and tea leaf over on Coldwater and Ventura. They don't have it anymore, right? But I used to be the fucking bean czar over there. And, uh, I mean, I used to come home fucking stinking like colombian beans you know i used to come home and it used to be like i was having an affair with some fucking brazilian with a brazilian

roast honey where were you nothing i what is this if you smell you smell like south of the border. I know I was at the... Were you rubbing beans on your cock? And so I was the bean czar. So I was there all the time. And were you rubbing... Show me your... Let me smell your dick. Remember that song?

Let me smell your dick. She's just... I smell a light roast. I'm leaving. Oh oh come on baby so um i smell pike drip baby gunk fuck um so yeah so i was at a i was at that place and this dude comes in and he immediately he's like oh dude i love your stuff man and i was like oh cool but he was too loud and i was like oh thanks a lot he was like yeah man saw you at the laugh factory once and yada yada this and that and he was like do you know do you know do you know the owner of the laugh factory i was like yeah jamie massati was like oh man i know him man you know, do you know the owner of the laugh factory? I was like, yeah, Jamie Masati was like, oh man, I know him, man. I see him all the time.

And I'm like, okay, well he's, he's lying. You know, he gets his coffee. He gets four fucking of those frappy drinks, you know, at the coffee bean and he gets, he has the cases and he goes to leave the fucking coffee bean. And as he leaves, he's like, dude, you know what? We should, we should kick it sometimes. Hit me up, hit me up on Instagram. Let's kick it sometimes.

And then he, as he's kicking the door open Because he's holding the fucking tray of the coffees He says strictly hetero and fucking leaves And that's what he said And I will never forget that shit He said strictly hetero Kicked the door and fucking walked out With the fucking fraps dude

And everyone looked at me And I was like it doesn't sound strictly hetero to me But anyway we all knew each other dude This is what happened into the fucking uh at the coffee bean and tea leaf and now that's what happened with the fucking bank right the guy says what's the outside line what's the outside line and then he looks at the fucking everyone knows now i know everyone at the bank is my point but now i'm a different person right i'm not going to be fucking sleeping with everyone anyone at the bank plus it was always it was just

men in there so the guy the bank guy ends up just saying listen you just hit nine and then whatever you were gonna hit kit and then he did it and that's the end of the fucking story, dude. Was that the dog? I'm pissed. The dog barked. I'm pissed. The dog barks all the time, dude. And I fucking hate it.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I went to the doctor, dude. You want to know why? I love you guys, man. I went to the doctor because, dude, I woke up about five days in a row and honestly dude my fucking nose it fucking hurt so bad couldn't even believe

it it was like a mac truck fucking literally drove into my nose and stayed there and fucking was like and peeled out and left fuck yeah dude my nose hurts every time I wake up. Yes, man. Fuck yeah, dude. So I said, I talked about it. I never want to go to the doctor, you know? It's so annoying.

You got to park and shit and wait. And then you got to talk to like nine people before you talk to the doctor. It's like, dude, just can I go to the, can I just, you know, hi, fill this. They're always like, how long have you been? When have you changed your insurance? And you're like, dude, who am I? Mr. Know-it-all? I don't know if I changed my fucking insurance. They're like, did you have any changes of the, and you're like, when's the last time I was here?

And they're always like April of 2002. And you're like, yeah yeah there's been some changes you gotta park and then fucking so i complained about it too much and then kristen was like okay i made you an appointment and i'm like fucking great now i gotta go and she's like but it's good because your nose is all fucked up anyway and And you know that. Because when you look up, your nose is bent to all get out. It is, dude. If you catch me under me, my shit is just bent. And so, well, every time I say bent, I think of this guy that fucking dressed up like Tupac once.

This white dude that dressed up like Tupac once. This was back when MySpace was a thing. And he had a photo album of his Halloween where he dressed up like Tupac once, this white dude that dressed up like Tupac once. This was back when MySpace was a thing and he had a photo album of his Halloween where he dressed up like Tupac and the fucking title of the album was Tupac Shabent. Because he was so drunk. Dude, Tupac Shabent.

The worst, I mean, so not even fucking, didn't even try. Might as well just said Tupac shit drunk. Tupac shit, I'm drinking. So anyway, I fucking, I'm like, all right, dude. She made an appointment and we both went. But she's like, I'll go with you. And I'm like, all right, cool.

So we went, we went to this doctor that, you know, I won won't say him but he's just fucking done so many celebrities like singers he's an ears nose and throat guy i mean we're talking about like fucking nile horan to fucking uh you know john mayer he did fucking stevie wonders i mean he probably didn't do his eyes but he did stevie wonder too uh oh ears nose and throat that's why he's probably blind he did work on stevie wonder if he did his eyes he'd probably fix him but dude this guy's like got like gold plat like charlie puth you know and just fucking crate his walls are just deck or even sasha baron cohen is like thanks for helping me with my fucking lock jar or some shit and uh and now i'm there dude and i'm sitting there and there's a fucking big nickelback poster

staring at me all of them signed it thanks for fixing my throat doc you know and for that one you're like maybe you shouldn't have fixed it you know like this guy's literally the reason why creed can go with arms wide open and uh so i'm there now because my nose is dry as shit and he comes in nice as fuck doc is great oh well actually we get there and the lady's like are there any changes and i'm like yeah i don't know just here's my wallet you know she's like do you have insurance i'm just like here's my wallet just take whatever you need here's a lot you give i always fuck it up i'm like is this the insurance and they're like no that's actually your fucking library card. And I'm like, I still have that, you know?

And so we, we get finally into the doctor's office, dude, this is how awesome and cool the doctor is. I waited an hour and 15 minutes. Literally made me wait an hour and 15 minutes, an hour and 15 minutes in a small room with Kristen and Nickelback staring at me, dude, it was like the weirdest dream, and I'm sitting there, and here's the weird part, I wasn't even mad, I said to her 15 minutes in, I said, I wonder how long this is going to take, because I'm working on a number two here, and she was like, go, and I was like, yeah, but then when he comes, he's going to go to another patient, dude, I held it for an hour,

And I was like, yeah, but then when he comes, he's going to go to another patient. Dude, I held it for an hour. My bowels were harking with me, dude. Just staring at Nickelback trying to fucking unbrew a number two. You know what I'm saying? Just staring at their, staring at their photograph. Unbrewing a number two and just fucking just just work working on percolating a brown mess staring at the band fuel dude what's that can you no that's uh crete what's the fucking fuel song That's it dude

It's the 90s Just percolating a brown mess Staring at fuel Staring at fuel signatures Saying thanks for everything Just percolating a brown mess dude Just waiting in that chair Just fucking Percolating a brown mess, dude. Just waiting in that chair, just fucking percolating a brown mess. Dude, he made me wait so long, I figured the chair out.

You ever figure the chair out? I looked at it, I go... Feet too. Oh, there's my toesies there they are never seen my feet before and i fucking took a nap dude kristen didn't complain at all she's an angel dude an hour and 15 minutes he comes in he was like sorry i was on the phone with yada yada yada i didn't need to tell you all that shit but it was all right it was a good reason he goes like this let me see inside your nose i was already back baby i figured out these oh you figured out the chair i figured out the chair he go takes the longest inch this shit is fucking i mean and he just goes

yoink dude it felt like it came out of the back of my head. It just up into my brain, fucking me up. Just absolutely fucking me up. Well, I had a singing teacher once and he was trying to tell me about like accessing, uh, singing. I used to take singing classes, you know, and he was, I used to do a one-on-one, man, he, the guy was the shit, dude. And he talked like this and he was like, no, you really want to open your soft palate. Like it was like a little bit like Mark Wahlberg,

but one time he was like, he was trying to describe something to me about memory recall, and he was like, do you know if scientists or doctors, if they were to open up your brain and poke around in your brain, dude, he literally said, do you know that if they were to poke around

in your brain, you know, he actually said, and, you know, it's off-color, but this is what he said, he said said, and you know, it's, it's off color, but this is what he said. He said, besides, you know, besides you getting all retarded and stuff, like what had happened is it'll recall, it'll recall, you'll have memory recall. And I was like, Jesus, even when I was like 19, I was like, holy fucking shit. You know, just sitting in a guy's living room, just saying the R word. And so, um, I didn't say it, you you know so don't get mad at me i'm fucking retelling it or get mad at me whatever but that's what he fucking said he's dead now so um cancel him like you did john wayne remember when they tried to fucking cancel john wayne yeah he's too white Alright partner He's dead you know

Um So he did that and so What was I talking about so I get to the brain So he fucking poked it all up into my brain And I thought what do I want a singing teacher I thought about the singing teacher thing you know And uh And it made me sneeze you know

He did both um nostrils And he pulled it out. And he was like, that's a train wreck. You know, he says, it's a train wreck up there. And I was like, so can you be a little more specific? Like I have an infection or what? And he was like, well, you have an infection and you're not going to not have an infection unless we do surgery. And I was like, huh?

And he says, your nasal passage, it goes like this. So what happens is your body's trying to rid the fluid and it's getting caught in this little space here and it can't exit where it's supposed to exit. And it does a liter a day. So I'm like, a liter's up there? And he's like, it's supposed to exit. And it does a liter a day. So I'm like a liter's up there. And he's like, it's not getting out. You gotta, you gotta get surgery. So he's like, let's do it in June. So I got to do fucking no surgery, dude.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, man. Fuck. Yeah, man. Got to go under the knife and he's going to, you ever see that shit? They just break it, dude. Fuck that, I'm getting a nose job too Hell yeah, dude I'm gonna come back looking absolutely fantastic, man

You think I got a big nose? Oh, dude, not now Not now, I'm gonna have a fucking That cute slope that the chicks try to get, man I'm gonna get that cute slope Like a European titty or like a Persian foot Dude, it's gonna be so insane I'm gonna look fantastic, dude.

I'm going to get that European cute slope on the nose with the fucking chicks in the 80s in Europe with the slopey tits or the fucking, the Persian feet, dude. That elf shit. Dude, forget it. I'm going to have an elf foot on my nose, dude. And it's going to be small and dainty shit, dude.

People are going to see me. They go, but like, yo, dude, you're very masculine. But between your eyes and mouth, you're a hot chick. And I'm going to go, thanks to the doctor. He said, your nose is like a Rorschach test in there. I was like, really? Is that fucked up? And he was like, yeah, you're going to have sinus infections until we do this shit.

He gave me some pills. He said, take two of these every day for a week. Come back and we'll reassess. And then we'll set that surgery date. Already did the blood work, baby. And did a sleep test. Did a sleep test too. Your boy did a sleep test because I thought I had sleep apnea.

Because Kristen's always like, hey, you're snoring. And I go, oh, fuck, sorry. Dude, I did a sleep test. Guess what? The dude said I only had minor sleep apnea. Joke's on you, baby. Thought I was going to have major sleep apnea. He said it's going to be fine.

So I have minor sleep apnea. I don't have to get a mask, but I do need to get this surgery, which fucking sucks, dude. And so I'm going to do the podcast with the fucking bandage on. I don't give a shit. Oh, yeah, you know. For clicks fuck it i'm not for clicks dude i'm not one of those bitches that do shit for clicks right but you know i'll put the bandage on and i'll do the podcast but i don't give a fuck he's like don't work out for two weeks though when you get the surgery i was like all right fine you know i mean you know me dude i like to break the strong guy's hearts but okay so now i gotta get surgery, bro.

I fucking got surgery one time and it was on my knee because I did it. I fucked it up in jujitsu. Man, I was so, I just, I tried to pass somebody's guard and my knee just clicks like this. And one of the black belts came over and he's like, so what's up? Your knee's okay? I was like, no, it hurts. It won't unclick. He's like, so here's what's going to happen.

So you've got a little bit of a tear. You got to go. You got to get surgery. Doctor's going to come in. It won't unclick He's like So here's what's gonna happen Um So you've got a little bit Of a tear Uh You gotta go You gotta get surgery Doctor's gonna come in It's gonna take about 10 minutes And uh It's gonna

He's gonna fix it And uh Recovery time's a few weeks And you're gonna be fine And he just goes And walks away And I was like Okay

Uh I mean you know Was so trying to ham up The fucking casualness of it That I was just like This guy And he was fucking right dude I went And I casualness of it that I was just like this guy. And he was fucking right, dude. I went and I did the knee surgery and I was nervous because I had never been under at all.

I've never been high in my life, right? Even now. And he brought the fucking, what do you call it? I was nervous about going to sleep during it. And they did it and they put me out. They told me count down from 100. And I counted down from 100, and I counted down from 100, 99, 98, and I got to 97, and then I felt his big hand, he put his hand on my face, like,

you got it, because I was a little nervous, he was like, you got it, and I was like, man, he's got one hairy hand, that was the last thought I had, and then I fell asleep, and I actually tasted like what tasted like an envelope thing It tasted like I was licking an envelope And then I passed out And then when I woke up I was like oh fuck man Alright you're done already

Oh shit And I was swearing And the nurse was like You're lucky the other nurse isn't here She wouldn't have all that swearing And I got so mad It was nice to know that I got so mad Even though I was high

I was like you're not going to tell me what to do i just went through knee surgery i was still me dude and i was like same old me drugs don't change me and then so um so i i was like so i asked the doctor later i was like i tasted like i was licking an envelope uh when i was passing out i was like was that actually the drugs that i was tasting or was that in my mind because i was high and he said oh it was in your was that actually the drugs that I was tasting or was that in my mind? Cause I was high. And he said, oh, it was in your mind. It was the drugs working on your brain, making you think you tasted it. And I was like, wow. And then Kristen made me get a fucking IV drip two weeks ago and he fucking put the bag in it. It looks like a bunch of piss. I mean, it just

literally looks like piss, like a bag of piss that he's fucking putting into my veins. Never done that before. And Kristen likes to act like she fucking will do an IV drip and it saves her life. Like Kristen will be like, oh, fuck, I have a little headache. I'm going to do an IV drip and it's going to cure me. And I'm like, you just waited and the headache went away, you know? And she's like, no, it really makes me feel refreshed. And I'm like, oh, dude, that's such a chick shit. So I'm like, I'm going to do it to prove to you that it ain't shit, right?

Much like the last episode with the Baja blast. So I did it. He'm going to do it to prove to you that it ain't shit, right? Much like the last episode with the Baja Blast. So I did it. He gave me a mega bag. It looked like it was pissing it, and it fucking did it. He injected all the shit, the big bag. And I was like, man, I taste like the fucking envelope shit. And I was like, am I tasting it? What's going on?

And he's like, oh, yeah, you can taste it. And I was like, it's not my mind playing tricks on me? And he was like, no, you can taste the drugs if they go through. And I was like, dude, my knee doctor lied to me. So that's how I figured it out. Fucking 15 years later, dude, my orthoscopic doctor, whatever it's called. He lied to me, dude. He touched my face with his hairy hand.

It was nice though, man. I would go back to him. Man, when you pass out and fucking wake up, it's like you just blinked, right? Can't wait to get my nose fixed. I'm going to get a fucking dope nose job. You know what?

Fuck that. I'm going to get a bigger nose. I'm going to get a, can you make it black? That's what I'm going to say. Like black? No, like a black person nose. And wait to see how racist he is.

Like wider? Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. No, I'm just saying like Daryl Strawberry. No, you didn't mean that. You meant that. Okay.

You want to do my lips too? What would they be if you did my lips, huh? Racist. I'm out of here. Um, what about my ass? Would it be high up? Okay, dude. Yeah, I know where you're coming from.

Racist. In Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills. That's where I want to go. Look at what this shit Kristen buys. It's not even a pretzel. It's broken. It's half of one.

She just got like a knot, this is a fucking thing that has just been here now, bro, fucking white women, you know, ooh, they look at shit and they go, ooh, and then they just pay fucking, you know, $35 for it, ooh, God, Crate and Barrel is the most ooh place of of all time You go to CB2? Forget it, dude By the way, what happened to CB1? Is that still around? Crate and Barrel? Why'd they make a sequel to a place? Fuck off with that shit

What is that? Do you know what that is? What? Oh, it's like the cheaper one? Wow Alright, well No, you know, it's just make a different... I don't know how I feel about that, but it's just like... No.

You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do fucking stand-up, and then I'm gonna do a second show in each city. Not as good material, and it's just gonna be called fucking Don't Push Me 2. It's gonna be called Chris D'E Me 2. It's going to be called Crystalia 2. And I'm just going to do

fucking hack shit. Hey, so on the flight over here, by the way, have you guys been to the airport? What's the deal walking around? I mean, come on! What's that smell? It's like, is there even a Bojangles in this

airport? What? Wow, have you seen Crystalia 2? You ever get the toilet paper on the bottom of your heel and you walk around like a true asshole? I mean, come on! What the fuck is my nose on the ground? No! Why would I want tissue there

crystalia too i get bigger they're doing them than my fucking normal shit so yeah dude chicks white chicks just oh you know just a fucking grasshopper sitting sitting at a in on a desk chair like a fucking that swivels just it's this big huh that'd be cute in the and you're just and they bring it home and you're just like oh fuck my mouth you know so but this shit this is kind of cool diddy's doing a fucking billboard music awards are on sunday and a new interview host and executive producer sean diddy calms explained why the show will feature performances from controversial figures morgan

whalen and travis scott he says one of the things I'm doing directly is uncanceling the canceled. That's breaking news because people haven't been about uncanceling, but canceling is a trend that needs to stop, Diddy told Billboard. He's scared for his life, you know. Travis went through a tragedy. Morgan used the N-word while talking to his boy. People make mistakes. Now we're moving on with love and respect for everybody that was hurt or affected it's time to forgive to have morgan and travis be able to come back and touch the

stage again with the mindset of getting a second chance at life by the way dude morgan wallen uh does the biggest concerts dude he got so much bigger for saying the n-word i gotta start doing i gotta start saying that just to people in cars like him i put up a crowd work clip um crystal on uh on my on this channel actually um you can go look at it 22 minutes of just stand up of just raw and uncut stand-up gems if you want to watch the art of crowd work, look it up. It's a few videos down. Raw and uncut comedy. Dude, but yeah.

And it's cool. It's going doing stupid numbers Cause your boy goes dumb viral. I'm an infection. Am I in my nose? Cause I'm dummy viral. Um, oh, I sat on my balls. Great dude. When you, let me tell you something, man.

Chicks don't know this. When you sit on your balls, the world stops. It's literally like fucking that scene from Saving Private Ryan when the guy's looking for his arm on his own arm. When it's like all fucking quiet and the grenade goes off and you just hear and the guy's looking for his arm.

When you sit on your nuts, that's how it is dude. That fucking buzz of the grenade. I had to go to the hospital once because I fucking sat on my nuts for real. We're telling truth today, I guess. I was in high school. I sat on my nuts. I tried to get into fucking,

I tried to get into Mrs. Kane's minivan and I sat on my nuts. And I went home and I was like, Mom, I gotta be honest with you, my balls really hurt. And she was like, what? I couldn't even fucking stand up straight. Went to the doctor and she put jelly on my nuts and I went home and I was like, mom, my ball, I gotta be honest with you. My balls really hurt. And she was like, what? I couldn't even fucking stand up straight. Went to the doctor and she put jelly on my nuts and did an ultrasound. And she was like, I think it's fine. You've got two cords attached to your balls. One goes from your abdomen to your balls. And the other one is useless. And it comes out from under your balls. And I was like, really? It's like an

appendix for your balls. And she was like, yep. And she was like, I think that's the one that twists. If that's the one that twists, it really hurts, but it could have gone back. If it was the other one, then we'd need to do surgery. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, man. How did I not know this till now? Do you know your balls can just twist and then you got to get surgery? Like you can't jiggle them out of place. If your balls twist, you got to go in there.

They got to cut your sack open and untwist them imagine being the bitch ass that has to do that i don't mean the doctor the guy has got to go in for the surgery dude doc what's he in for oh yeah i sat on his balls in a minivan ah untwisting them yep that job sucks i remember once i went i've I've, dude, I used to get, like, uh, fissures in my, this is, well, it's a truth episode, fissures in my anus, you know, like, fucking, uh, what do you call them, not just fissures, but the, uh, tear, not the tears, but the, I would do, like, I wasn't drinking enough water in my early 20s, and I would take dumps, and it would, like, fucking be just, like be just like it would be like fucking balrog's head trying to come out and um hemorrhoids

yeah and so I try to spell that word by the way and I would go to the doctor and I went one time I was like I was like I went twice because it was like just so it hurt so much and then I went again like a year later and I was like hey and he's like so what's the problem and I was like, just so it hurts so much. And then I went again, like a year later and I was like, Hey, and he was like, so what's the problem? And I was like, uh, my anus, it hurts so bad. And then he literally rolled his eyes and I was like, okay, this is the last time I'm coming in. I'll eat it from now on.

And he just saw, he wrote a prescription. He was like, yep, there it is. He looked in my butt and he was like, yep, there it is. And wrote a prescription. And I was like, I'll just preparation agent from now on, now on, dude. I'll fucking DIY my fissures. I'll just fucking wish back in my hemorrhoids. No worries. And yeah, I said it.

I had hemorrhoids. And you know what? They don't ever fully go away. And you know what? I don't give a fuck. You ain't shit if you haven't had hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. I'm the man for that, dude.

I'm the fucking man for having about four hemorrhoids and some fissures. the man for that dude i'm the fucking man for having about four hemorrhoids and some fissures you ever rip your anus and not because you're gay just because you have shits that's the man that's the man that's the man right there the man right here that's the man right there The man right there That's the man right there That's the man right there Oh wait Oh my god Those are Matt's glasses

He hasn't seen them in years I found glasses in my drawer And they're my brother's Yeah dude we solve crimes here Dude I've been watching the staircase And that's all that's been on my mind I'm like did he do it or not do it? I know I talked about The Staircase and there's a

I did a freestyle on Instagram about The Staircase. It was very important. Bro, Greg Kinnear would have nailed that part. But anyway, I watched The Staircase and I'm like, I don't know if he did it or not, but here's the deal. They didn't prove it.

They didn't prove it. You't prove it you got to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt there was too much fuck up and how about that fucking deaver blood analyst dude the deaver blood analyst dude just lied for like a decade there were 35 cases in durham north carolina that this deaver dude the blood spatter analysis dude the science he lied about the science he didn't lie about the science but he didn't give all of the tests. He would just work with the prosecution, dude. It's fucking rigged, bro. There were people, there was somebody in jail for 17 years and they realized that he didn't fucking put all the tests in the evidence that he should have. And the guy didn't kill someone, dude. 17 years. Imagine being in jail for 17 years for some shit that you didn't do and coming out and you got to not murder everybody.

I'd be murdering people at Chick-fil-A for no fucking reason, dude. Oh, there's cheese in this? Pap, pap, pap. I said no cheese. Pap, pap. Oh, no, wait. I did say cheese, huh? Already dead.

Sorry, I was in jail for 17 years you get if you're in jail for 17 years for murder honestly and then you you get exonerated and it turns out there was evidence against you or with for you that in your favor that they not only that not only that they didn't find but they knew about and didn't you should be able to get to kill however many people you were in fucking jail for oh i got one oh i get i get to okay so that guy's got not only he missed 17 years out on life but now that guy's got a good life because now everyone has to be nice to that motherfucker that's the rule i swear to god i'd be fine with it and if he got me on a bad day all right motherfucker i opened

the door for you just said thank you but then i tried to fucking and he bap right in my head i go oh shit and then he says yeah but i was in jail for 17 years for murder so when i didn't murder and i got out i go like that's on me dude that's how this that's how this world works catch me fucking glug glugging out and you get to kill him in any fat maybe you just get to fucking stick a bullet in their brain that's it but dude i mean it man you go to jail for fucking embezzling money turns out you didn't do it you get to fucking take money from whatever company you want or whatever the fuck it is you know the bp oil spill if they got off you know what i mean or whatever it is.

I don't even know if there was a criminal investigation there or whatever. And then they didn't do it and they were in jail and they get exonerated. They get to go in and just shit and fucking put oil wherever the fuck they want, dude, on an enemy's house. You know what I'm talking about? So everyone's extra nice. You go to jail for dude, scariest thing to ever, ever is to go to jail for some shit you didn't do.

To just be an asshole that was around somebody that got killed. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. You got to be that guy in jail that's like, what are you in here for? You got to admit to it. You got to say you did it. You got to say you did it. You can't be the pussy in jail that didn't do the thing Fuck that dude

If I were to ever go to Cause if I were to ever go to jail Like it would be because of some fucking speeding tickets Or some shit that I had unpaid for like way too long That I didn't know about my license was expired and shit But dude You get in there I would just what are you in here for dude

I would act it so serious. You heard about the fucking, the three families that died in Toluca Lake? No, and it didn't even happen. But they wouldn't know because they don't get the news, you know? You don't have, oh, that's right. You guys don't have fucking Twitter in here. Yeah, there was three families. I killed them all execution style.

Yep. And then I embezzled a bunch of money. You look like you could be in that family. And then just spin away. You can't be like, I didn't do it. What are you in here for? Something I didn't do. Then you get fucked.

Oh, you want to get fucked? But the thing about the staircase is that guy went into 15 years of prison and he was by, so he was probably having the time of his life. I mean, fuck wise, fucking wise, anus wise, but dude, like, and dick wise, but not if like you're talking about like, it's actually a bit fucked up, man. If you think about it, to be like, I would always talk about, I talk about this, like, I would fuck dudes if I was in jail, for sure, no doubt, no, there's no, it would take eight days, people are like, well, when would you crack, dude, it would be a little over a week, I'd be like, all right, well, I guess we're doing this, fuck it, you think you're gonna, what the you know For life Everyone's getting fucked Fuck me too

It's like you know You gotta try I don't know man It is what it is You know it is You know it is what it is That's me while I'm getting Railed from behind

It is what it is Isn't it Pinky Or whatever the fuck You know people in prison Have fucking names and shit Um I would run that.

I would run it, though. Seriously. Like, my shit would be fucking unstoppable. I would be the dude with the gift of gab just fucking on top of the table in the cafeteria. And this is what they want us to think. And they're just like, I don't even know who he's talking about,

but I'm with this motherfucker. I gotta pee. I'll be right back. Yeah, man. I haven't really talked. I talked a little bit about the Johnny Depp case. I can't believe I never talked about how Amber heard

shit in his bed. Dude, like, let me just... I don't, what I don't understand is how do you write an op ed about how a guy is abusive, period. Especially if it didn't happen. But period. If one of the skeletons in your closet is you shit in someone's bed on purpose, it's going to come out. How are you going to sue someone if you shit in their bed? It's going to leak. Okay? in their bed. It's gonna leak. Okay?

Dude, Amber Heard admitted the poop in her shared bed with Johnny Depp was a horrible practical joke. A security guard testified. Hey, put, you know, set up a trip wire. Fucking light his shoelaces on fire first of all when you shit you don't know if it's going to be a hard one or a loose one you

know what i mean like talk about rolling the dice with your anus. Also, imagine her actually sitting there. I want to know how she did it, like squatting or like on her knees. Did she shit on her feet a little bit? Or did she just sit with her legs straight out? Or did she shit and then put it in the bed? I mean, how are you gonna sue someone how are you gonna try and sue someone for damages when you shit in their bed also when you shit in your bed when you shit in your guys's bed it's gonna leak i mean it is insane that he was like, well, she shit in my bed.

And then she was like, okay, well, that was, yeah, I forgot. That was, I'm sorry, you're going to sue me. I'm the one who, you did shit in my bed, right? You did shit in my, like fucking, like she shit in my bed. She shit in my bed. Like Jack Sparrow. Just order, order, order. Her anus was loose in our shared bed. With like fucking what's his name in the fucking Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Hunter or whatever the fuck. Defamation trial. More like a defecation trial I mean someone must have made that joke right if I was Johnny that's the thing about me bro if you ever get me on the stand or anything like that as a lawyer I've been watching these motherfuckers at the staircase man I'd be cracking

jokes left and right dude I would be winning cases purely from charisma dude fuck all that shit the jury would be like you know what maybe his client did it but i like this guy and i want to fucking vote for him i would end each fucking clothing closing statement with guys vote for me defamation card defamation case more like a defecation case case. Yeah, well, this case sure shit the bed, if you know what I mean.

With a long cigarette. Like, fucking, what's his name? Hunter S. Thompson? Fuck yeah, figured it out. Figured it out. She shit on the bed. In the covers, too, dude. Talk about a Dutch Fuck yeah, dude. Dutch oven it you ever dutch oven

it she fucking baked that shit she fuck a dutch she regular ovened it she she fucking what are they called the one of those fucking ovens the the wolf ones the what are they called i got one what is it i don't. She industrial size ovened his fucking bed. Just plop the fucking, how do you know if it's going to be a harder loose, dude? Also, why do you want to do the, then you got to waddle over to the fucking bathroom and wipe it. Dude. How weird is that? Case over. Oh, she, she fucking shit in the bed. Case over. You win. How much, How much you want, Johnny? Oh, 50 million? That's what you get, dude.

Shit in your bed. The goal. Only a woman, dude. Only a white, I'll say, a white movie star woman would do that shit. Like, well, yeah, I'll get that. I'll win.

Like, to the sociopathic behavior dude well it was a joke unbelievable man look at this fucking from the insider amber heard took responsibility for the poop in her shared bed with Johnny Depp that night after an explosive fight. Yeah, well, what else was explosive? We had an explosive fight and an explosive anus, didn't we? Sir, take off those rose-tinted glasses, please. But I was in the movie Fear and Loathing in Las

Vegas. Yeah, we know Mr. Depp. Objection! He's acting like the character the judge is like I'll allow it turns out I like that movie I'll allow it continue can you do the scene in the car with Benicio Del Toro, please?

Shit, dude. Starling Jenkins, a member of Depp's security team. That's a fucking hell of a name for a security guard. Starling Jenkins, protector, testified about the feces during the trial between Heard and Depp on Thursday. Wow. Feces, you know? Depp is suing Heard, alleged she defamed him when she described himself. We know about that.

Jenkins testified about the time surrounding Heard's 30th birthday. She's 30, and she did this shit, literally. April 31st, 2016, Depp testified earlier in trial that he was late to the party the couple shared, Los Angeles penthouse apartment, because he was having an in-depth conversation with his business manager about the unexpectedly disastrous state of his finances. He alleged that after dinner, Heard berated and hit him. Okay? As if that's not enough, huh? Depp left Heard in the apartment while he went to his house in the Hollywood Hills next morning after Heard left on a scheduled trip to Coachella unreal dude she shit in his bed and went to Coachella dude a housekeeper found a fecal matter on Depp's side of the couple's shared bed my initial response to that was I laughed Depp testified earlier describing the

reaction to seeing a photo of the feces. It was so outside. It was so bizarre and so grotesque that I could only laugh. I was in fear and loathing in Las Vegas. Objection. I'll allow it. I like the movie. God. Feces.

Feces. And then heard Described it as a horrible practical joke gone wrong I mean what would be going right Oh my god she's shit in my bed Ha ha ha ha! Feeces dropper Amber Heard I lived with those dogs, Johnny Depp said. I pick up their funk. It was not the dogs, but I saw Johnny Depp just say funk.

Did you funk in my bed? Somebody funked in my bed. I'll allow it. Johnny, watch it. That isn't how you did it in the movie, Johnny. I'll allow it. We had a good time here on this Congratulations podcast. And remember, I'm going to be out there on tour Get your tickets, Boston's almost sold out So get your Boston tickets And then That's in November but it's about to sell out

Atlanta's about to sell out too, September 9th Washington D.C. is on its way Stockton, California Oakland, California Peoria, Rockford, Raleigh October 21st, Savannah, Georgia, Denver, Colorado, November 5th at the Belco, um, Cheyenne, Wyoming and Jacksonville, Florida.

So that's where I'll be and go ahead and watch my, uh, my new crowd work thing that I posted on this channel. Uh, just type in crowd work, Chris D'Elia. Um, and, uh, and that's that, um, there is a link below this video. You can check out my tour dates. Hey guys, that's it for the episode here on YouTube. If you want the rest of the episode, the uncut raw unedited episode on Patreon, go over to patreon.com slash Chris to Leah

and check it out for only $6 a month. You get that on every episode. You get the Raw Uncut. And you also get an extra episode a month. And right now, I think there's 13. We've been doing it for 13 months. So go binge them, dude. Go binge them like it's, you know, Boston Legal or some shit.

So patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And that's where it is. We also do other stuff too. Go check it out, man.