Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 273. No Kings, No Queens

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

Check out LIFELINE! watchlifeline.com 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Thank you BetterHelp! Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/congratulations 👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com This week Chris discusses the passing of Queen Elizabeth, the weirdness of Washington DC, how much ventriloquism sucks, Indiana Jones 5 and much more. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions runk welcome to a super cult production of congratulations just touched down just touched down we touched down dude we're back we were back um from the road you know, and it's great. If you like this podcast, which you do because you're listening, you know, and you're in our cult. This is how it is. And if you like the podcast, subscribe to Super Cult Studio.

Subscribe to the page. We put out this and we put out Lifeline. I'm sporting the Lifeline merch here. You can go to crystalia.com to get all the merch you need lifeline and uh the and the crystalia merch and uh well the fucking uh the congratulations podcast merch and all that shit man we had tour exclusive merch that's going selling like hot cakes we were in atlanta and dc but it's all good we'll get to that um i appreciate you listening. But like and subscribe to the channel, man. I can't break fucking 596,000.

I don't understand what it is. And I don't understand what it is. All I know is that I can't break that. And I can't get the money out of my fucking TikTok account because I don't know the goddamn. What do you call it? What do they call it? The fucking. I don't know the goddamn, what do you call it? What do they call it? The fucking, I don't know the code or whatever to get the fucking thing in, the token, the extra app that they have to use.

I don't want to do, it's the authenticator app. Figured it out. Dude, need ginkgo biloba. All good, dude. But you can go to chrisley.com, get your fucking periwinkle life rip shits. Puffy as fuck, dude. Or the new brown choco shits Life rips

Hell yeah those are nice and dusty Cause they've been over there near my floor Whatever though dude He's on the floor That sounds like it would be a rap song And that's what's up dude Like and subscribe Just popped in one of my pure spectrum gummies

Right there Let me tell you something to keep me happy. I swear to God, there's no THC involved and they keep me happy as shit. They keep me at a level. Dude, I barely get fucking frustrated. I do the meet and greets and my shit and I meet a hundred people and I'm just asking them questions like I'm interested, dude. And I'm not even, I don't feel high, but I'm just like, wait a minute.

Am I happy? Is this a CBD? I don't know, but we've got the link In the show notes down below and you can get 10% off if you click that and use the promo Code congrats for all your CBD Stuff there's Actually can you hear me there's actually so Many CBD shits there's face cream and everything

There's bath salts I don't know what the fuck man Um but yeah Dude so that's What's up we're here living the sober Lifestyle We're living the sober lifestyle. We're living a sober lifestyle. I love when I go to the cities and I do the meet and greets because, you know, I sell like 100 tickets for a meet and greet after the shows.

And sometimes I see people that are in the meet and greets that are actually on the Discord in my Patreon. If you want to get the Patreon, patreon.com slash Crystalia. But, um, and, uh, and I, I met someone that said, um, that, uh, she was like, you shouted me out on your, I remembered, I was like, I know you. Um, I just remember her from the discord. Cause I see everyone chat and all that shit. And I, I chime she was like i know i was like i know you and she's like yeah you shouted me out on your podcast once i was eight months sober and i was like oh yeah and she was like i'm proud to announce now that i'm 25 months sober dude and um good on her man congrats to her fighting the good fight but uh i love hearing that and uh i met i met some other people on the discord and shit it's just cool it's just cool why does my fucking thing keep going out yes dude it keeps

going out that's annoying but it's all good my babies um so i went to let's see i went to atlanta and washington dc look you never know what you're gonna get on the road you never know what you're gonna get i touched down in Atlanta, brought the fucking family. It was beautiful. Brought the family, long flight. Calvin fucking killed it. On the flight was great. Playing his pad.

He wants to play his pad. Is he getting hooked on screens? Maybe. Is the boy getting hooked on screens? Maybe. Did I always want to be the father that had pride in the son when he was at a restaurant not using an iPad, yeah, I did, dude, is he using an iPad, no, is he using a different kind of pad that has games on it, yes, do we fucking say that that's not the same thing to make us feel better, yes, we do, dude, but we're good parents, because

we limit the pad use, but he always wants to use the pad i'll tell you man he always wants to use the pad he wants to play he wants to play games on the pad so what the fuck dude um so we use that you know he has he gets to eat what the fuck he wants on flight days and he also gets to play what the fuck he wants on flight days but the problem is we have so many fucking flight days so it's like he gets to eat whatever you want and do whatever you want pretty much every fucking three days out of the week which is way too many days dude there's only two days on a week on a weekend that's when everyone does whatever the fuck they want my son has three so it's like i don't know i'm flying around you know i'm not using masks and shit it's like

oh i'm gonna be in oakland coming up and like, oh, I'm going to be in Oakland coming up. And you don't have to be vaccinated to get in. I thought the city of Oakland was going to make you vaccinate yourself to get to my show. And I double checked on that. Thank God. Dude, I'm not going to do anything where you have, unless they pay me like a bajillion dollars. I don't want to do anything where like they're making you do shit. I don't like that.

I don't want to do anything where like they're making you do shit. I don't like that. And I think I got one show coming up where they're like the city is mandating masks because the show's too big. Whatever. He fills fucking seats up. But I'm not going to do it moving forward. I'm not doing that. It's so uncomfortable to be sitting with a fucking mask on.

And I've been flying everywhere. And I'm not getting fucking COVID. So it's like whatever, dude. Maybe I'm irresponsible. If he's irresponsible, I don't know, dude. Maybe I'm living. Maybe I'm the wrong side of history. Maybe I am.

But who knows until history happens. And I'm not even, you know, I'm not Republican or Democrat, dude. I'm me. And don't push me, I say. But, dude, you know. So, yeah. And you can go get other tickets at chrislea.com i'll be in savannah georgia and raleigh north carolina um and denver and just all sorts of fucking crazy stockton i'm gonna hopefully get a bulletproof vest um yeah i went to atlanta and atlanta's great atlanta has some

weird fucking people in it you know like atlanta has weird shaped people like i don't understand what's going on with atlanta's people white black doesn't matter that's pretty much all that's in atlanta but it doesn't matter what race you are you're weirdly shaped dude they've got regular people that are good looking but you'll have like someone in Atlanta that has like an ass on their shoulders and you're just like, how do you shit laying down? I don't understand the people in Atlanta. Their jaw will just like come the fuck out further than their nose and they'll have an ass on their shoulders and they'll just be like someone that works at a bank, not at a carnival. You know, anyone with an ass on their shoulders and they'll just be like someone that works at a bank not at a carnival you know anyone with an ass on their shoulders anywhere else in the country works in a tent

they work around many colors and flags and shit and things that twist and turn too much. But in Atlanta, that guy, that guy works as a barista. And he's just like, can I take a road up? What the fuck's up with the shapes of Atlanta's people? People be walking around. They're like six hexagons in a hat. I don't understand. It's so crazy, it's insane um and we were in atlanta and i'm walking around atlanta like dude in atlanta you fucking like bob came out to my show that's a good looking motherfucker i can't lie that's a good looking

motherfucker you know and if i were black right now i'd be like pause but i'm white and i don't say pause i stand by it and I know I'm hetero. But he's a good looking motherfucker. He came out to my show. He brought some merch. I meant to wear it for the podcast. Fuck, I'll have to wear it next time. Brought me some strange clouds hats or something and a fucking shirt.

When I wear it, it looks like I fucking smoke weed, dude. And I'm hip, dude. I'm hip. I'm cool. I want to fucking support the homies. But B.O.B. came out, had some cool pants on. And we fucking love B.O.B.

and this family, dude. Strange clouds. You know? So yeah, he came out and we did the show in Atlanta. It was great. 2,700 people came out whoops dude 20 27,000 people came out whoops and we had a good time and lulu gonzalez went up and fucking

killed it it was really cool man because she's like i don't know if she's been doing stand-up i thought she had been doing stand-up for longer because she's very funny but i think she'd been doing it for like eight years and uh I saw her at the Laugh Factory. I was like, this fucking, she's very funny. And I wanted her to come on tour with me, and I brought her on tour. And I think that she was like, I mean, I think what she said, she was like, this is the biggest crowd she's ever played. And I felt, it felt really cool because she was so excited. And we did the Atlanta show, and the Atlanta show was great.

And then we did, and then I brought, and then Mike Lenocci went on and then I went on, right. And then we packed up and we fucking went to DC and I'll get into DC. But when we went to DC, let me tell you, like what I say is on the road, you never know what you're going to get. And the Atlanta crowd was hot as shit, dude. The Atlanta crowd was great. Thank you, Atlanta. And I love Atlanta. I bleed Atlanta. Do you know what I mean? My soul is in Atlanta in a way. I love Atlanta. I bleed Atlanta. Do you know what I mean?

My soul is in Atlanta in a way. And I have an Atlanta soul. So sue me, right? And then when I went to Washington, D.C., I'm always like, I never know what side Washington, D.C. is going to be when it comes to the humor shit. Like when you go to San Francisco, you can't do certain jokes. I still do them, baby. What's it matter now? I still do them. Right?

What are you going to take from me at this point and uh but dc you know i go on stage and i talk about the shit i make jokes about you know different sides of the spectrum and i never know how it's gonna land and let me tell you something dude i thought dc was gonna be more liberal than it was and holy motherfucker dude that crowd was so happy that i was pushing dude that crowd was so happy i was pushing man that crowd was loving it three thousand people were fucking just and and lulu went up and holy shit dude lulu went up and just from jump boom dude and then mike went up and boom boom and then what and then i went up and ba-boom. And then I went up and, you know, you know how the story goes, right?

I don't like to be fucking egotistical, but ba-boom, right? Of course. I mean, they came for me. And, man, dude, that DC shit. I did a little bit of roast of the fucking dc i'll put it on my second channel the crystalia channel uh on youtube put a little stand up on there and maybe some for my tiktoks because you know i put it up there fucking because now i fucking shoot everything because you got to shoot everything no matter what you're doing if you're a fucking celebrity you have to shoot

everything unless you're leonardo dicaprio or fucking um will smith oh well smith fucking shoots everything unless you're ryan gossinger leonardo dicaprio you got to shoot everything you got to be like i had a doctor's appointment the other day and i literally was like where's my camera guy and i was like wait this is doctor's appointment mr delia you're dying like those fucking tiktoks or no fucking Like those fucking TikToks. Or no, fucking. Mr. D'Elia, you have stage four cancer.

Me in the coffin. Some other guys there in TikTok doing a fucking, Say I got ball. Dung, dung. Some girl's showing her ass. Dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Just farting on my coffin. Say I got ball. Dung, dung.

Crazy, crazy. Crazy, crazy. I thought it was saying soccer ball, but whatever. You guys don't even know that that song from the Beatnuts. I do, dude, because I'm an OG. I can see him right there by the window. That's in one of those fucking songs, Beatnuts song.

So yeah, so fucking, I got a guy following me everywhere. It's all good. I got my own version of TMZ. And it's all good, dude. TMZ came up to me the other day talking about David Arnold. Rest in peace, David Arnold. I can't believe we fucking lost him.

He was like 54. He had two daughters and a wife. Man, that guy was a funny motherfucker, and he was just about to hit, dude. He had a second Netflix special come out. He was just starting to do some theaters. Fucking sharp-dressed man always, looking real good, being funny, just charismatic as shit. And he just had a heart attack and fell and hit his fucking head, dude. And we love David Arnold, man.

And, you know, we've been losing a lot of comedians lately. Him, Teddy Ray, and Jack Knight. And it's just rough, man. It's rough. It's rough when anyone loses anyone. But rest in peace to those three. And then most recently, David Arnold. Yeah, he was a good one, man.

I was just fucking talking to him um i just did a show with him at the laugh factory it's fucking it's brutal uh yeah but uh so um what was i gonna say i was gonna talk about dc i was gonna get i went to dc and um did i put it in my notes i barely fucking wrote any notes i'm good at this dude i go. I go to D.C. and, like, D.C. is a very interesting city, Washington, D.C., because Washington, D.C. is a very, very interesting city. But the thing about Washington, D.C. that always blows my mind, first of all, the White House looks like it's every other building looks like the White House, which is fucking crazy. Like, fuck, so many columns. Like there's so many columns everywhere. Like it's just some fucking grand.

Like where are we, Rome? You know, it's fucking. And we went to visit the Capitol building and we saw, you know, everything up there with the Capitol building. And they were all like scaffolding and shit. And you go up to them and you're like, is uh what are you redoing the place and they're like well we're just making sure that this the structure the integrity of the structure is a sound after the and you're like dude this is just so people fucking can't get in right because we're supposed to be able to fucking walk right up to it hey just walk right up and um And yeah it's crazy You look at the fucking walls

On the capitol building They have like steps on them Like grooves in them It's like they're inviting you To just like climb up Those fucking What do you call it The policemen were just standing there

And when the fucking January 6th insurgents were crawling up They would just be like And whoa They were just standing there. And when the fucking January 6 insurgents were crawling up, they would just be like. And whoa. They're just like, got it. And the police would just be like. With their fucking hands. Oh, and then.

So I got all. Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong. But what's crazy about fucking Washington, D.C. is here's the thing. You need an update, Washington, D.C., okay? You need an update, all right? Do you know why? Because in like the year 1850, there weren't that many people. When was the car made? Like 19-something or before that?

It's like 19,000? and like eight you know i know i read a book about henry ford when i was in fucking school dude and um there's a picture book and so and he like in in 1850 it was fine to have, everything's so close to each other, like the Washington Monument, like the fucking, the Lincoln Memorial. Man, I always think, when I see that, when I think of the Washington Monument, I always think of, what's his name? Talib Kweli saying, and my cash look more like dicks than the Washington Monument. So bad. And our cash look more like dicks than the Washington Monument. So bad.

And so, and real hip hop heads would be like, but that's real hip-hop you know me that's real hip-hop our cash look like dicks more than the washington monument if you want to know if hip-hop lyrics are actually really good say them in a radio announcer voice you know what i mean like when you hear yo shorty it's your birthday oh shorty and you know we don't give a fuck it's your birthday. Oh shorty. And you know, we don't give a fuck. It's your birthday. Like you're like, fuck. Yeah, dude. In Vegas.

That's nice. But when you're, when you say it like go shorty, it's your birthday. And you know, we don't give a fuck because it's not your birthday. Then you realize, okay, it's actually bad. Our cash stack more like dicks than the Washington Monument tonight at 11. And so, anyway, it was fine in 1850, okay? But hey, it's 2022. Not only are there fucking bicycles, not only are there cars, but there's Ubers. Someone will just drive

you four blocks away to where the president lives should be illegal. Dude, you can just walk up to where the leader

of the free world resides hey that's got to change because of dirty bombs and crazy people i want my president living way out there just like in a side of a fucking mountain. I want him safe. I don't give a fuck who it is. Trump, the lizard Biden. It doesn't matter. I don't care who it is. You know, whether it's Trump or fucking Joe Biden. And if he's just fresh from the ocean and he fucking shed his scales and he came back into this way. I want the White House in the side of a fucking mountain in the middle of some place where there's other mountains that look just like it. And we can't tell which mountain it's in. Dude, it's so insane that in this day and age that you can just, hey, just walk right

up. That you can just, hey, just walk right up. You could be staying at a W hotel and just walk three blocks and yell for the president through his wind. Press. Biden. I'm in room 315 at the W hotel. If if you want to come in i'm getting fucking sliders biden trying to sleep god damn it because this is a lizard um but yeah dude that's got to change this is why i say tradition ruins everything because the president lives there still because he lived there for since 17 or whatever the

fuck it was, you know, I'm bad with dates, but you need to update that shit with the time. Tradition ruins everything. Wars and every, but even more than religion, tradition, religion is tradition. Any tradition is fucked up, right? Religion is tradition. Any tradition is fucked up, right? My dad used to want to read the fucking, what was the train Christmas book?

What's that called? Polar Express. Every Christmas day, he wanted to read it. And that was cool when I was six and 11. But dude, we had to stop him like five years. I'm 42. Five years ago, I'm like, dad, I just, i just you know it's like i don't i it's fine i get it he's just like put the magic of christmas and i'm like i'm 37 that's fine can you can we just not read it he's like but it's tradition then you get me all pent up and then before you

know it i don't want to come over for christmas that's a very micro to the world's macro but i'm saying that kind of shit is the micro and the macro is walking up to the fucking white house and rocket launcher in the new fucking device the vp um yeah i mean it's crazy. You could just pop in an Uber and be like, the White House. Like, I get it, America, but also chill, right? I don't know. It's all fucking, the world's gone to shit, dude. It's fine. The queen died. And that's another thing, dude.

There you go. Tradition. So fucking annoying. Oh, there's still queens and kings? Dude. Huh? queens and kings dude huh hey that's first of all that's insane

you know what there are going to be queens and kings until you build cars if you have cars which pretty much we all do no kings and queens anymore

like if you're fucking working you know in South Africa trying to mine blood diamonds, and you got to get everywhere with, like, one jeep and a few fucking lions, or whatever, or, you know, like, you've got, like, two jeeps, and then other men carry everyone else, then there can be a king, right?

Because you need to fucking make people want to carry you. But if you've got, like, multiple multiple cars and shit and trains and airplanes dude no queens no kings it's insane it's so weird and she died and now the fucking guy with the fucking sausage fingers got to be the king you see his hands he looks like uh what's that fucking scene from big little big china or whatever fuck big trouble in little china when the guy blows up he looks like he's fucking five percent into that scene what's his name charles now he's king charles and he's like 70 what you know god that guy i just hope he should fucking die soon you know with his little sausage fucking with his with his farmer

john fingers i know it's just you know of course oh all glory to the queen but it's just like you know you know what happens when she dies right my sausage fingers get more rings on it. You know what happens, right? I get to be the king. No, it's fine. It's all good. I want her to be the queen, but it's like, you know what happens when she dies, right? I become the most important man in Britain. Mmm. And then she died and he just goes like this.

Alright, here we fucking go. She died and he was just like... With his fucking sausage fingers putting on the ray-bans putting on the aviators what happened what happened she died what happened the queen died hit the wrong button fuck yeah dude um so now he's the fucking king And he's the king and he's gonna die in like five years Dude She was the queen for like 900 years

And he's gonna be the king for six months Talk about the fucking raw end Dude He could've just been scooping that pussy up And now he's just like It doesn't work right Now he's just gotta, you know, it doesn't work, right? Now he's just got to fucking be like,

ruling. Also, you're not doing shit at that point when you're ruling a country and you're fucking 75. I feel like the president actually does real work and the king's just like,

you know, bring me some more lemonade and don't allow blacks in here. Like she was so racist, but she had fucking 45 dogs. And she treated the dogs better than the minorities or something. The queen, I don't know. I don't mean to fucking, I have no idea. This podcast, you come here for hard-hitting news,

but honestly, I'm going to tell you when I don't know, and I don't know. I'm the fucking king of England. How about that? How about fucking that? How about them apples? I got about fucking that How about them apples I got a number How about them apples I watched that movie I walked in the other day and Kristen was like Watching fucking you know it's like I love her she saved my fucking

Life dude she's a princess And I love her she saved My life she's one of the reasons I'm still here today dude And I walked in and she was watching fucking Good Will Hunting. And I just go, God damn it, I want to watch something bad. I don't like good movies, dude. And she was like, I never saw it before.

And she said it and her voice was all Christmassy and it was beautiful. And I was just like, okay, well, oh, yeah. And she was like, is it a good, it's a good movie. And I was like, it is a good movie, you know. But those movies I only want to watch once. Really fantastic, deep, emotional movies. I want to watch them once. And then I'm out now that's because me for 38 years of my life, I didn't want to feel my feelings. Yes. That's because 38 for 38 years of my life, I kept my walls up and I didn't want to experience loneliness. Yes, of course, dude. And I kept my face in my phone because i thought that

that meant i was cool being alone but really i was just distracting my loneliness yes we did that dude and i've learned that in therapy and it's all good but now i have to watch movies and i have to cry and that shit is too much so i'm watching goodwill hunting i've seen it once and i know i cried during the movie just like i fucking cried during the movie braveheart and i've seen it once and i know i cried during the movie just like i fucking cried during the movie braveheart and i've seen it once okay and i've never seen braveheart again because it's too emotional and there's too much brown in it okay and um to be frank there's too much brown in goodwill hunting too it's just too much it's just like put colors in it more you know have blue in the fucking thing and um and i'm watching goodwill and she's like sit down watch it with me and like i didn't really want to

but then i was like this movie's so good if i just sit down and watch it for like five minutes i bet i'll hook into it but i i'll then resent that i did that because i didn't want to do that and now that i and i'm basically just tricked this is the kind of mind fucking bullshit i go through i don't want to watch goodwill hunting she wants me to watch goodwill hunting i know it's a good movie i'd probably like it if i sat down and started watching it but i don't want to but i should do that for her so i'm going to sit down and try to fucking just experience it and then maybe i'll hook into it and want to watch the rest of it but then i'm going to be secretly upset with her because she kind of called the shots absolutely Absolutely fucking insane. Those were all the thoughts I went through. Okay? No bullshit.

I'm being honest with you guys, even though I don't want to, right? I'm sitting there with a fucking Disney princess. She's the fucking love of my life, right? This is what's happening. And I'm the fucking guy going through all this shit and she's just sitting watching fucking Robin Williams. Just like,

but you don't know what it feels like to look in person at the fucking goddamn Mona Lisa or whatever the fuck he says. Sistine Chapel. And so now I'm sitting there and then she's like, fuck.

Fuck. Gotta start school. And I'm like, fuck. Fuck. Got to start school. And I'm like, what? 20 minutes into me sitting watching Good Will Hunting. Got to start. Fuck. Fuck. Got to start school.

And I'm like, huh? She's like, I got my Zoom class. I'm a therapist. And I'm like, so you can't watch the rest? She's like, I'll watch it later if you want. And I'm like, what you can't watch the rest? She's like, I'll watch it later if you want. And I'm like, what the fuck I hooked in? I fucking hooked into the movie I didn't want to hook in. I got into class.

If I miss one more, I fail. Because you went to a fucking, because you had to go to the bridesmaids thing, right? Fucking fuck, dude. So you can't miss another class because you went to the fucking, the bacheloret party right now i gotta sit and i gotta fucking now i gotta sit and i don't even want to watch the movie and i'm in so i want to watch a movie even though i don't want to watch the movie and i gotta watch this fucking thing fine she does school and then she's like can you actually watch it upstairs and i'm like your chair your chair i didn't even want now i gotta go in another room and do some shit i don't want to do even though i want to do it

so i'm watching fucking you know and i realize oh you saved my life and you're fucking in another room and do some shit I don't want to do even though I want to do it? So I'm watching fucking, you know, and I realize, oh, you saved my life and you're a fucking Disney princess and I love you. But now I got to sit and watch him fucking alone? Like, it's not your fault. It's like, I know, I, you know, that's not your fault. Don't fuck

with me. It's not your fault. Don't fuck. And I'm sitting here and Cal's crashing a fucking dino truck into my leg, and I'm hooked in. I watch all of Good Will Hunting again. I watch the fucking thing again. You have to go see About a Girl. That's what happened at the end. There's fucking like two, three callbacks in that movie that make you cry your

fucking eyes out. So I watched it, dude. I watched it again. I'll be damned if I watch fucking Braveheart again though I'll tell you that much look at this fucking Time Magazine thing from 1973 the man who will be king and here he is Prince Charles Britain's Prince Charles 49 years ago dude imagine making the cover of a fucking thing this guy's gonna be king look at him so happy

leaning up against a tree 49 years go by and then he's like nah I don't even fucking want the thing god damn it it's like I don't even fucking get to have blowjobs what's the point in having king

being a king I don't get to get a fucking sock jobs it's not so anyway RIP to the queen I got a fucking cut here in my head like do you ever wake up with a cut this is the this hurts

so bad you can see it's on my forehead if you're listening to it it looks like a mini fucking stab wound that somebody wake up with a cut? This hurts so bad. You can see it on my forehead if you're listening to it. It looks like a mini fucking stab wound that somebody did it with a pocket Swiss Army knife. I woke up and just all of a sudden, how does this happen, dude? It's like the same kind of mystery as like where did my other sock go? You know what I'm talking about? It's like it's got to be somewhere in this room. I just washed it and

now the washing machine ate it do you ever wake up with a cut or a bruise and you're like okay well alien switched my body out to another version of my body because I didn't hit my fucking head last night and then today Kristen's like your bruise what what happened and I was like it happened fucking I woke up in with it with D happened? And I was like, it happened. Fucking I woke up in D.C. And she was like, I said, did you notice it? And she said, yeah. I was like, why the fuck didn't you say anything about it? She's like, I don't know.

I was like, did you fucking stat? Did you just fucking while I was sleeping with your fucking finger take a chunk out? And it's hurt so much more than it should, dude. And I'm a real man. Cal fell and hit his fucking eye today, but he's okay. God, when he falls down, I just always tell him, the worst part's over. You're done. Love you, buddy.

You're all good. Oh, dude, and he was eating at this place today. He was eating more than I have ever seen him eat. And I know this sounds boring as shit, but just wait for it, okay? It gets better. But, you know, that's the last thing I want to hear is like,

how your son or daughter eats, you know? So his appetite actually lately, it's like fucking snooze city. I don't even want to hear what you ate. I don't even care what I ate, honestly, I forget, try to think about what you ate for lunch, you can remember, no, right, I can't remember, tuna bowl, took me a bit, and so, Calvin was eating, we went to this place, I got the tuna bowl, he got the fucking eggs, he wanted, I said, what do you want, Calvin, he said, eggs,

I got the tuna bowl. He got the fucking eggs. He said, what do you want, Calvin? He said, eggs. I was like, oh, great. He rarely says what he wants. He either wants eggs or fucking macaroros. That's macaroni because that's what my mom used to call it, and that's what I called it to him, and he took it and ran with it.

It's all good. Or he wants bacon. He can't always have bacon, obviously. Macaroros are very easy because usually we have macaroni in the kitchen because we're Italian, and eggs don't have it, even if we don't have it. But we were at the place and we wanted eggs, so we got eggs. I was eating my tuna bowl and he was eating his eggs and I have never seen him eat better than this. He was shoveling those fucking eggs in his mouth. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude. This is the moment where he turns into a fucking boy. Because if you know anything about my son, which you probably know a lot about my son, if you listen to this podcast regularly,

because I talk about him quite often, but he's good at everything except doesn't want to eat always wants to play i'm like are you hungry and he goes i know i'm not you know and stomps do you want i gotta do you want cheerios no i don't okay eggs i don't okay i gotta guess what do don't. Okay. I got to guess. What do you want? And then finally, this time it's like eggs. So I'm like eggs. And he's shoveling the shit in his mouth. Did we get a fucking, did we crack the code?

Did we figure out a fucking life hack? Right. And so he's eating the shit. I mean, bro, he's eating so fast and he's using the fork. He never used the fork. He was supposed to use his hand. He's using the fork, putting it in his mouth. Dude, he's doing it like me. Like I always like to have a piece of food in my mouth. And when I swallow, there's another piece of food in my mouth. Cause

I always want the flavor explosion in my mouth. When the shit's traveling down my esophagus and there's nothing in my mouth, that's wasted time. I want it always in my mouth. There's food always in my mouth. It's replacing the food, sliding down my esophagus. It's always replacing the food, sliding down. So I always have a fucking explosion of flavor in my mouth. That's always how I do it, dude. And I'm like, Calvin is doing like father, like son. And he's eating eggs and he eats the whole bowl, dude. And he takes a sip of spicy water, which is what we call club soda. It's an unspicy water. And so he eats the fucking club soda. He starts drinking the club soda. And we think the bubbles are getting to him in his head. Because he's going like this, like this.

And I'm like, you like the spicy water? And she's like, something's going on. And he just goes. Dude, when I tell you, it was like a sprinkler went off. It was like an egg sprinkler went. It was like a geyser went off sideways slowly. It wasn't. And it kept all the eggs and then eggs from a past life just shot, just spilled out.

And Kristen goes whoop like she was Ozzie Smith just scooping a bouncer. Just caught all of the eggs, all of his spit up. And then he goes, ah, because it's scary shit. When you're two and a half, you don't, he has never thrown up that much. He probably thought, why did my insides come out? So I picked him up and I held him and I said to him and he was crying and he said, hey, buddy, that's okay. You know what? That happens to me sometimes too.

And he stopped crying and he said, it does? And I said, yeah, it happens to everybody. And he fucking took a deep breath and that was it, dude. And it was a beautiful fucking moment. Because we're all human. And let's not forget that, dude. And I love being a dad. And I love being a dad, especially when my son throws up with eggs,

because I want him to feel comfortable, and I want to make him feel comfortable, and I want to be a good dad about that, and then I asked the guy for some milk, so Calvin could have some milk, and he brought over milk, and he was like, no, he didn't bring it over, he brought over a cup of ice, and he was like, no, he didn't bring it over. He brought over a cup of ice and he was like, you want ice with the milk? And I was like, you're not from earth. Ice with milk honestly if you drink milk with ice in it I want you to unsubscribe from my podcast

I want you to shake hands with me it's been fun, thank you if you listen to every episode, great I loved having you listen but it's time fun. Thank you. I enjoy, if you listen to every episode, great. I loved having you listen, but it's time we part ways. And I looked at him and I was like,

and I said, no, no, thank you. Just the milk is fine. And Kristen laughed and I said, what? And she was like,

just you. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That's like putting ice in peanut butter. So I fucking, I don't know, man. One time I was eating cereal with my friend Mitch. And he was, and I was like, and he had cereal too. And we were both eating cereal. It was late at night.

And I was like, you want something to drink? And he was like, what? I was like, do you want something to drink? And he was like, what? I was like, do you want something to drink? I'm going to the fridge. And he was like, I'm eating cereal. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, why would I want something to drink while I'm eating cereal? And I was like, am I, what's happening?

And he was like, that's like asking, do you want water when you're drinking water? And I don't agree with him, but I fucking think about it all the time, dude. Because he thinks milk is in it, dude, and you're just drinking and eating at the same time. Fuck, man. I don't know, man. I drink fucking spicy water when I'm eating cereal. Ah. I don't know.

Football's back. Do we give a shit about that? I think that's cool, right? I'm going to watch Monday Night Football with my friend David Sullivan because he really wants to. And the guy fucking keeps trying to cancel on me, man. He's like, nah, I'm not coming over.

And I'm like, we got to watch some bad movies, dude. I don't like good movies, man. Somebody sent me the Indiana Jones trailer that's going to come out. And I'm like, fucking what is it? Indiana Jones 6? 5? It's like, I don't. Okay.

Harrison Ford's 80? Like, you know? What is he? He's 80? What is is he he's like 85 it's like in get a new indie didn't they try to make shia labeouf indiana jones like a son or some shit wasn't there aliens in that one what's up with indiana jones they just don't really know what the fuck to do anymore. There was aliens in the last one, and now they're going to have them be 85 swinging a rope, looking for the Holy Grail. I was never an Indiana Jones fan.

Too much Brown in the movie. Obama watched that trailer. My buddy sent it to me, and he was like, you should watch. I can't wait for it. I'm like, nah, dude. This is great, though, right here. Twist is a ventriloquist now the rapper what up y'all this is your boy twister and this is the most thing i've ever seen in my fucking life dude you know how fast he rapped he was just like but sentences dude twista would just be like

but saying sentences that fast and now dude first of all he's got a fucking ventriloquist with a backwards hat on and a shirt that I would wear from American Apparel in fucking 2006 and Twista is sitting there dude and this is

hey hey hey it's me Twista is sitting there, dude. And this is... Hey, hey, hey, it's little Twista, you dude. Yeah, dude. Ventriloquism sucks. Hey, it's 2022. We're done with that like we're done with mimes. You know why? There are video games that you can just literally insert yourself in. Hey, ventriloquism, we're past that.

Hey, Twista, weird hobby. Hey, hey, what's up? I could do it, dude, you know? I feel like, honestly, if I tried hard for a day, I could be one of the best ventriloquists in the world. Hey, hey, what's up? Hey, I'm little Chris. Dude, I'm good.

Hey, what's up? I'm little Chris. What's going on? What, what the fuck? Hey, what the fuck? Somebody left the door open. Hey, Chris. Hey, hey, Dick Chris.

Get your hand out of my anus. That's where it is, you know. Yeah, I know, little Chris. Hey, hey'm little Chris. Just fucking drinking with it. God, how stupid. It's 2022, Twister. Man, that was a live introduction.

Who you knowin'? Do it yourself. You don't need the fucking... That's impressive on its own, dude. He's making all those noises with his fucking mouth, and then all he's doing is this. When I got to do it, I did it. Let him know. When I got to do it, I did it. I don't even know what this puppet is fucking saying, you know? Dude, twist her. Yeah?

Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, I got to have a fucking ventriloquist act for real. Like, I'm talking about go in, do two nights, do one is my comedy shit, and the next one is Chris D'Elia and Lil' Chris. Ventriloquism at its finest. And then the next night I sell tickets for my ventriloquist act, and I don't even practice. Hey, guys, welcome to the show. Thanks so much.

Before I bring Lil' Chris out, I, hey, what do you mean? What? Oh, shit. I guess he came prematurely. You got the same problem, don't you? Ah, shit. Stop roasting me. Oh, god damn,

man. Just not practicing. I'm little Chris. Sorry. Don't say sorry. Dude, if my dad saw this, Lil Twista doing ventriloquism, he wouldn't understand what was happening.

And he's pretty with it, you know, for a 74-year-old. My dad would just be like, who's that and what is that saying? And also the guy, what is he saying?

And he'd say, Twister? And I'd be like, no, yeah, but it's Twista. Oh, okay. And he's a singer? That's what the whole conversation would be. I'd be like, he's a rapper. Oh, okay. Who does he rap with?

He did a big song with Jamie Foxx. The actor? Yeah, it's... Never mind. Twister. Hmm hmm and then he'd walk away so loud dude wow that's i mean what the fuck dude what up y'all this your boy twister and hey, hey, it's little Twister, you dig? Dude. You know?

Just. Hey, hey, hey, little Twister, you dig? He's trying so hard not to move. Like, trying so hard not to move that it's making it, like, weirdly still. Like, nobody. Dude, it's so funny, Ventrriloquist when the puppet's talking they're like this dude hey what's going on little twister is everything good yeah yeah so anyway. Hey, how come you're catatonic right now?

Wow, dude. And I make you a celebrity overnight. And I make you a celebrity overnight. And I make you a celebrity overnight. Um.

And I make you a celebrity overnight. um um so uh yeah so football's back and i'm i'm gonna watch monday night football dude and i'm gonna watch and i don't give a shit who's on but my friend david sullivan is coming over and he was in a doc dude david sullivan told me about a fucking documentary we had to watch that his friend was in he was my friend just happens to be a fucking in a documentary and he was in a doc. Dude, David Sullivan told me about a fucking documentary we had to watch that his friend was in. He was like, my friend just happens to be a fucking in a documentary. And I was like, Oh really?

It was like, yeah, it's apparently all over it. And I was like, really? What's it about? He's like January 6th, the insurrection.

I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, it's all about the storm of the Capitol building. It's fucking crazy. We got to watch it. I was like,

really? I was like, what, what streaming platform is it on? And he was like, I don't know. Let me look. Oh.

And he looked, picks up the phone, looks at it. He's like, Oh, it's on a website. And I was like, what streaming platform is it on? And he was like, I don't know. Let me look. Oh. And he picks up the phone and looks at it. And he's like, oh, it's on a website. And I was like, well, here we go, dude. What the? How bad could this be if it's not even on Roku? It's not even a fucking cartoon on Crunchyroll? Like, this shit isn't even fucking. There's not a sneak peek of it on shutter

it's on a website he's like i guess i could just screen share it and i was like okay okay bro you know just put it on and he puts it on dude and the documentary is about january 6th and we at least think we're going to get both sides of the story. If you're making a documentary about January 6th, it's probably going to be in the vein of what these people did to storm the Capitol are wrong. It's at least going to be that. It may be what these people did are wrong, but let's also talk to these people and see where their head's at. But it wasn't any of that. It was, this is why the insurrection or whatever at the Capitol building was the right thing to do.

And here I'm sitting, watching it, and I'm realizing this, and I'm like, when's your friend coming and what's he gonna be saying and we watch it and the dude is his friend and he's fucking like yeah well we had to do this because this and that and I look over at

David and David's like oh and I'm like dude were you part of January 6th? And he was like, wow. Dude, there's one guy talking to the fucking camera and he was just like, I was standing there in the crowd. I don't know what the fucking documentary was called.

I got to remember what I got to figure out. He was like, I was standing there in the crowd and I just knew the right thing to do was to break into the Capitol building when I saw scriptures, physical scriptures come down from the heavens like a big billboard, and I read them, and it told me to storm the Capitol.

And the documentarian was filming it with music that made you know that the documentarian was on the guy's side. And I'm just sitting there like, what the fuck? And Lil Chris is like, hey, what's going on in there? Who's your friend and how come your friends have fucking whack jobs? So now I'm going to watch Monday Night Football with this motherfucker. And I'm like, you know?

I don't give a fuck who's the president, man. We're fucked no matter what. That's the whole thing about this. But he's a nihil'm like you know i don't give a fuck who's the president man we're fucked no matter what that's the whole thing about this but he's a nihilist you know but it's all good but he's a nihilist because i don't give a fuck who the as long as the president isn't woke as shit we're all good like biden is just a fucking puppet with all the motherfuckers behind him i don't know i don't like any president i have not liked any president since nixon my favorite kidding i have no idea i'm political you know what i mean but football's back so we're we're gonna be that and i like how um i guess what's his name the fucking tom the most famous one tom brady is uh doing um he's gonna play another

he keeps coming out of retirement like he's fucking jay-z like he's and he's doing uh another season and now giselle bunchin or whatever the fuck her last name is is is she's like well fucking she moved out she moved out because she was like you gotta yeah you i want you to spend time with the kids. And it's like, it's crazy to think of Tom Brady. Because I, you know, I understand that kind of mentality because, you know, like when I do stand up, I don't know. I guess for a while I didn't want to really do it anymore two years ago. But now I fell in love with it again.

And I love being on stage. And then I'm thinking about like, if I were never able to do it it ever again would I would like what is there to prove but it's different though because he's already won so much and is obviously the best to keep wanting to play to me I don't know maybe that's why I don't have that mindset you know maybe I've never been I've never been competitive but like I I can't believe he wants to play again. And I get what Giselle is saying because it's like at some point you made a billion dollars. You're chilling and you can continue to make a billion dollars. It's not like the well of money that you fucking dip from is going away because of investments and endorsements and deals and shit like that. And restaurants you're probably going to make, you know, and a fucking you probably uh you know have stock in whatever company is making a you know in some

ayahuasca company that's going to be huge in fucking nine years you know and uh or or robotics or whatever the fuck those those dog robots they have he probably invested in that he's going to be a quadrillionaire but whatever it is it's like he just wants to play dude and at some point i kind of understand what giselle's saying because it's like dude i take my son on the road with me and when he doesn't come with me which is yet which hasn't happened yet i don't think um and if i and i don't get to take my family with me i'm going to be like really upset and lonely and what i told you in the beginning of the podcast is i hate being lonely because that's when you got to sit and actually think about what the fuck is going on especially when you're open doors especially

when the fucking doors be really open and the windows be really open too and your chimney really clocked and so it's like how many years does he need to throw a ball because that's the thing if i'm tom brady which i am and if my wife is giselle bunchin which she is and my kid are all of tom brady kids, which he is. And my wife is like, I don't want you to do another tour. I want you to be with the kid. I would have some sort of resentment about it, but ultimately I want to be with the kid. But I don't know what the fuck their day-to-day is.

I mean, they probably follow him. She probably wants him to be stable. Well, I'm supposing a lot of shit. I don't know. See, this is what bloggers do. And then they write a fucking piece, and then it's like, fuck Tom Bradyosing a lot of shit. I don't know. See, this is what bloggers do. And then they write a fucking piece. And then it's like, fuck Tom Brady for doing this shit. But I don't know the answer.

So I guess I'm just talking it out. Thanks for the therapy session, my babies. I don't know. Let's see what's up. Go get tickets at crystalia.com, I'll be in Stockton and Oakland and fucking Raleigh and Savannah, Georgia, Denver, Boston, we added a second show, the fucking Wang filled up, 3,500 seats, we added another one, dude uh let's sell that one out too my babies and uh i'm starting to tease you a little bit with these fucking chicago you know i am playing peoria and rockford but i'm teasing you with chicago and i'm teasing you with new york your boy might be there in the next beginning of the next year he just might he just might be there

in san diego i'm also going to be oh in phoenix i added a date or sorry tempe and then oxnard i just added a date oxnard california but. And then Oxnard, I just added a date. Oxnard, California. But whatever, dude. Let's look at some of these motherfuckers. Let's look at the Tinder first. We always do the... Oh, yeah, I know Seinfeld did the Kith thing. And I did kind of want to talk about that.

Because, you know, I like Kith. I always rep Kith. And then Seinfeld's just like 60 wearing Kith and stuff. But didn't they do it with... God, I always forget his name. Who? Buscemi? And then they also did it with...

Didn't they do it with the fucking Jeff Goldblum or no? Was it Gucci or something? Whatever. But anyway, I like when they do it with the old guys, man. But now it's like, what am I going to wear fucking exactly the same thing that Seinfeld has wearing? I mean, so New York, you know? The way he's posing and shit with his hat so if I'll just like this I saw a clip where fucking Seinfeld was like but that's why a joke is Matt would it say

that's why a joke is magic I think a joke is magic a miracle even worse I think a joke is magic. A miracle, even worse. I think a joke is a miracle. And it's like, oh yeah? A miracle is a miracle. A joke is a miracle. A joke is a miracle. One time I was watching an interview with fucking Jerry Lewis. And he was just like, and they were asking him about his comedy. About how something was like, I don't know if it was like something that was like either the way either the way they were like, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, you know, talking about the hardships of it.

And he just goes like this, that's comedy, babe. Uh, uh, uh, uh, that's comedy, babe. Dude, imagine you seriously said to somebody that's comedy, babe. Hey, no matter seriously said to somebody, that's comedy, babe, hey, no matter what you work at, you can work at a fucking coffee shop, that's, that's, you know what, that's macchiato, babe, that's the way fucking, that's like saying the cookie, that's the way the cookie crumbles, it's like, you're seriously gonna be one of those guys, that's some old school shit, that's comedy, babe, dude, I gotta start saying that, that's comedy, babe, That's comedy, babe.

Yeah. Dude, I saw a truck in Atlanta that was so fucking big. It was so big, you can't get in it. It was so big, it needed a fire escape. It was so big, it was a plane. I mean, it was so big it was a plane i mean it was so big dude and it must have been a million five hundred thousand dollars and then some really short dude got in it was fucking amazing man it was amazing he hopped up He hopped up into the thing Like he did a chin up to get into it He did a muscle up

He just went And got in dude It was unbelievable And he started the car and went Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank dude. What about the one that went Come on, sing it with me. Here we go. Come on, everybody now. Wait, not yet. Everybody now with this part. This part's me.

I got you, guys. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Everybody with me now. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Fuck yeah, dude. This is the podcast. Okay. That was a great episode. We had a good fun time. Thank you very much for listening and having a, you know, dude, you can go to get your Pure Spectrum gummies, go on over, get your 10% off. They got all things CBD and use the code congrats.

It's in the show notes below the video and all that. I got on coming up here, Stockton, California on tour, Oakland, California. I'll be there. Hollywood, California, Oxnard, California, Peoria, Illinois, Stockton, California, on tour. Oakland, California, I'll be there. Hollywood, California. Oxnard, California. Peoria, Illinois. Rockford, Illinois. Raleigh, North Carolina, and Savannah. Can't wait to do Raleigh and Savannah.

Tempe, Arizona. Denver, Colorado. Belco Theater. Cheyenne, Wyoming. Boston, Massachusetts. Albany, New York. Lakeland, Florida. And Jacksonville, Florida.

And I will be adding more next year. Come on out and see me. That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to catch the rest of the episode, the uncut, unedited, raw episode, sign up on our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And for only six bucks a month you can get every episode we do an extra episode a month that is not available for the public only for the patreon members and you can get those and as soon as you sign up you get access to all of the ones that we've done so far i think we've done like 17 so

far so you can go watch them now you can also watch our our thing that we do review mode and then i do sometimes i do a podcast thing with kristin um you get content all that content so come over to kristalia uh sorry patreon.com slash kristalia and uh go check it out thanks a lot guys I'm a motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker