Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 277. Trick Or Splurt

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

Get tickets to Lifeline LIVE at watchlifeline.com! 🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia 👉 Thank you ShipStation! Get a 2-month free trial at https://shipstation.com code: CONGRATS 👉 10% off Pure Spectrum CBD, use code CONGRATS at checkout purespectrumcbd.com It's the 277th episode of Congratulations! Today we discuss Tua's injury, Lizzo playing James Madison's crystal flute, the conservative dating app The Right Stuff, and Quiet Quitting. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. you guys having a good time dude i'm having a good time man here we go episode 276 uh and i will be in let's do the dates here i will be in peoria and rockford illinois i got some illinois dates illinois i'm coming it should be illinois because there's an s at the end of it but i'm doing illinois i'm you know i'm succumbing to the uh the pressure of societal norms uh we're going to call it illinois but i will be there fr Friday and Saturday. Get your tickets at crystalia.com, crystalia.com. And I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina. I will be in Savannah, Georgia. And I will be in other places like Denver and Tempe, Arizona and Albany, New York. Look at all this shit.

Look at them off the top of the head. Lakeland, Florida. Look at this. Jacksonville, Florida. He's hitting everywhere. But yeah, and then I got other dates coming pretty soon. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I, you know, I shouldn't mention it yet, but um yeah and then i got other dates coming uh pretty soon i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i you know i shouldn't mention it yet but it's gonna be new york and it's gonna be chicago and

it's gonna be san diego and it's gonna be austin but i shouldn't mention it uh and it's all good dude and we say it's all good because it's all good this is episode 277 not 276 i think i said two i whatever it's 277 um yeah man so we're having a good time go get your merch here falls coming in right we're gonna keep it cool life rips got a shit stain on the end of that that's cool but the periwinkle puff that's how we do it and if you got a little bit more swag which I don't

we wear bucket hats on life rips and I don't I don't like I don't like bucket hats but the fans have spoken they want the bucket hat so we made the bucket hat so what do you want from me dude hey what do you want from me, dude? Hey, what do you want from me? You know? Yeah, man. I didn't talk about this last time on my podcast, which is...

Let me drink some La Croix respectfully, but disrespectfully. Yeah, man. I did the Oakland shows. And I didn't even fucking mention last time a fan got stabbed. Oh, dude. He got fucking shanked. He was leaking. Oh, dude.

Someone fucking saw him on the street and poked him all up. Oh, shit, man. Someone fucking poked him all up, dude. What the fuck? And then he fucking tagged me on the story because I checked my stories after the show so I could fucking do some repostings. And the guy's just like, hey, bro, I'm leaking, man. I'm leaking, man. Somebody fucking cut him up real nice in Oakland, dude.

This is after I fucking i go if you watch my tour report on my second channel my crystal it's called crystal official on youtube um you just look it up it's oakland tour report fan got fucking poked up dude and then posted about it on his story hey bud go to the hospital but there's fucking images of him in a bloody shirt he's like look man showing off how he got all stabbed oh, I think he had a fucking cross tattoo on his chest. People with cross tattoos always be getting stabbed. You know that, dude. You know that, man.

My hair is fucking absolutely on fire right now, dude. Jesus Christ. I didn't realize that. I didn't fucking wash my hair this morning. And by the way, I wash my hair a lot, okay? Everyone's always like, you're greasy and shit I'm, not greasy, dude. You come near me. You smell me. It's fucking off to the races, dude You come near you smell me you go like this. Oh shit

I do meet and greets some people smell fucking horrible. Some people smell real nice, dude And when they smell real nice, I tell them i'd appreciate it If you told me because your boy smells like a fucking bed of flowers no dirt like i just smell i mean i smell incredible all right and my hair didn't wash it today so i thought it was gonna look a little fucking bad i looked at it in the mirror before the podcast i was like i don't know but with the headphones on absolutely let's put this shit to bed my hair looks phenomenal man so that's what's up man hair looking great thank you very much and a fan was stabbed um can't believe that man oakland and fucking stockton you know we talked about it last time but they are absolutely uh it's it's it's wild dude it's wild um you know

what's weird to me is everything is being treated like cancel culture no matter what it is like this fucking tua thing how he tua magnan donovich or whatever the fucking tua bogdanovich whatever the fuck his name is got a concussion and then the doctor like cleared him for the next game and then he fucking got another concussion and And it sucks because when he went out, you know, two concussions, you get to get two, three concussions. That's it. That's when the CTE is just like, and you're like, who is it? And they're like, I was going to fuck your life up a little bit later. Okay.

We'll come back. Okay. Right. You get one concussion, your body, one concussion. They're like, okay, cool. But two concussions, especially in a row, did you see Tua at the end, like he was fucking crip walking, dude, he fell down, and he just fucking, it goes like this, set, down, hike, boom, dude, I mean, Tua was just fucking out, dude, throwing up gang signs holy shit did you see the pic put it up right here

i mean that shit looks different dude i mean his hands were doing some unorthodox shit dude i mean he got smacked and he was in a fucking football stadium but right then he woke up and he thought he was who banging on the trans wipe the dust off them fucking adidas holy shit man i'm that's fucked up but though you see those g-force dudes those when you pass out and you wake up and you just you think those g-forces you know you you think you're just all of a sudden someone fought you at a Vons parking lot and you're just like, oh shit, no, I'm just... Never mind, my bad. Okay. I'm just trying to see how many forces I can go. And I got to G5

and then I passed out and I'm just practicing for my flight school. Yeah, dude, you know you fucking got knocked the fuck out when you wake up and... Yes, I eat! Your hands do crazy shit when you get knocked out. So he had two out. He got knocked out.

He got two concussions. And they fired the fucking doctor that told him it was okay to play. And that's cancel culture, dude. They treat everything like cancel culture. It's insane. The doctor's the doctor. Dude, they treat everything like cancel culture. It's insane. The doctor's the doctor. The doctor knows. The doctor sometimes makes mistakes.

By the way, guess who would have got fired if he didn't clear Tua to play? The doctor. It's all about money and somebody needed to take the hit, dude. And the doctor was like, okay, I'll clear it because I get it.

This is football and you need to make your bags. And then when Tua got hit the second time, the doc goes like this. Oh no. When Tua woke up and just fucking, when Tua woke up and was just banging on a transformer, the doctor goes like this. I'll pack up.

I'll pack up i'll pack up dude when the doctor fucking saw those the fucking west side the doctor goes i'll done he's like i'm out bye-bye i get it i'll be the one i'll take the hit because somebody's got to take the hit because cancer culture hey how about just look look Just look, look, football. Let me just say this. All right. And it seems, it seems totally elementary. All right. But football is football.

When football looks in the mirror, it sees football. It's not something else. Okay? You take a picture of football and then show football that picture. Football goes like this. That's me. All right? So if you're trying to turn football into something else, i.e. something where guys aren't going to be getting concussed,

then it's not football. You take a picture of that football and show the picture to football and football goes like this. Who's that? Because it's not him. So if you're going to be doing football, let football be football, dude. Okay? The second, this is the thing.

People are going to get concussed, but they're grownups. They can do what they want now is it going to be sad when they grow up and shit and they get to be fucking 60 years old and they want to put a bullet in their own heart so that you can study their like whatever junior seo did hey study cte and blast it away at his own heart? Yeah, that's troubling and it's sad. But we all know. We all know. So football is football.

So if it's going to be football, then that's what's up, dude. If not, get rid of football. Stop with the whole, if we do this, if we have these rules, if a guy can't play and then this and this, we need to look out for the safety. It's football. You might as well be baking a cake if you're not going to let guys play because they're going to fall on the ground and... You know what I'm saying?

It's football, and then you're going to be mad when they fall on the ground and they start asking who banging on the ground and they start asking who banging on the transformers you just took a picture of football developed it said that the football and said who's that and football goes like this it's me bake cakes if you're not gonna let guys getting concussed that's what they should do dude the miami dolphins should just come out and be like you know what here's what we're doing now they come out in aprons and shit with like fucking you know dough rollers and just some and other motherfuckers in it with ingredients and shit and there's already tables out there in a 50 yard line

and they just go like this hike and then start making a fucking cake and some muffins. And then other people at the fans are like, what are they doing? And they go, sorry, the culture came for us, and now we're not football anymore. You're firing doctors out there? He would have been fired no matter what. If he didn't play the game the way the fucking Miami Dolphins wanted him to play, he would have got fired that way. They would have put another doctor in there. Heins wanted him to play, they would have got fired that way. They would have put another doctor in there.

He would have cleared the play. He would have got fired. Don't you understand how this shit goes? Football. You're football. That's the most crystal-y-est shit ever, but it's true. He speaks the truth. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, he speaks the truth. But it's the truth it's just like it's like enough is enough dude oh but this is what the doctor should have done oh really a guy that fucking you know what i mean works as a realtor sometimes oh really some fucking chick you know what i I mean? That sometimes goes to Armstrong Gardens and raises some kids? Oh, really? It's just so fucking, it's so ridiculous, dude. Stop it.

You know what I mean? That's the thing. You make, if you have the game and all of a sudden you're like, whoops, we need helmets, then put the helmets on and go to work. Okay? Or, or just stop the game. Right? But this whole, well, we got to, no, stop bending.

You already bent enough. You're football. That's the game, dude. It's like, it's a fucking war. Well, yeah, but okay. But take the guns away and use slingshots no you gotta fucking push people's wigs back dude that's the whole fucking thing you run out there the the weapons get better and better you got flame you got fucking all the

shits you got bombs use them all that's war imagine people like it's pretty soon cancel culture is going to start fucking bitching about you know well we need to replace the guns with it's war and i'm not even fucking you know what i mean you got me acting all republican and shit i'm centrist baby but don't push me that's what i'm saying where's the hat i don't even have it anymore but don't push me um i don't know man i i don't know look at the fucking here's the should i look at it the two with fucking the way he put his hands up who banging on the transformer look at this oh it's gonna be loud fuck god damn it here we go boom oh wrong song dude wrong song dude wrong song need needs it to be fucking who banging on a transformer what does it even mean dude dub c was the best

dub c would even do the shit where he was like like dude he talking about killing motherfuckers and then just who banging on the transformers with the fucking you know making his hands into a w w w w crystalia.com um so yeah between two of getting concussed and my fans being stabbed not a good not a good not a good week for the Dolphins organizations and also Crystal Lea fans. I can't wait till Tua comes back and he's just like, it's fine. I'm fine. I got concussed.

I'm a grown man. I want to play football. It'd be amazing if the whole thing went, I don't know if he spoke yet, but if the whole thing, because he didn't speak for a while, I know, and the whole fucking organization is like talking and everyone's talking on Twitter and shit. And they're like, well, finally, we get to hear from Tua himself. And they just show him at a podium and Tua's just like this. There are better if you don't have snacking on our football.

And like, oh my God. Well, Tua, how do you feel? Anding on the football. I'm like, oh, my God. Well, Tua, how do you feel? And he's just like. Who banging on the Transformers? Ah, dude. Don't push me over. Don't push me over, dude. I don't even like football.

You got me out here defending football. Let's see what this is, dude. The Right Stuff. This is a fucking dating app only for after you've been pushed. All the way over to the right. It's called The Right Stuff, dude. It's a dating app. Dude, look at this shit.

stuff dude it's a dating app put dude look at this shit today we brought in a group of conservative young women and wanted to get their honest opinions about what they're looking for oh my guys they date hell yeah dude what are you looking for in a partner it would be great if they just went all the way. They just have to be a conservative. Oh, dude! The first thing, dude! They fucking jumped off the building with that, dude. I mean, they didn't even eke into it.

They're like, well, I want him to be funny and nice and this is the shit that everyone says and loyally, she just goes, first of all, they have to be conservative.

And the subtext was, I don't want a fucking idiot really someone that wants to have kids i like an independent man personally i like the alphamule vibe i want a man who really loves his family definitely someone whose faith is important to them for me it's someone who actually wants to meet my parents. Why do you want to date a conservative? What is this shit? For me, at least I know that we're going to start off with some shared values. For me, what I do know is, fuck gay people.

That's what I'm making a joke about. Well, the conservative men I've dated at least know how to treat me like a woman. In my personal experience, conservative guys have better manners. I like that they understand their role in the relationship as a man. So deeper. I just prefer my men to be masculine. Yeah. And what's the biggest red flag when it comes to dating?

Amazing that this is already the third question, dude. Like, dude, that's the third question, dude. The chick. Wait, okay. So the chick who said. So that's the third question, dude. The chick. Wait, okay. So the chick who said. So that's the third question. The chick who said. Well, first of all, they have to be conservative is going to answer this question.

Now, let's see what she says. When it comes to dating. I have not watched this. A Democrat. She knows what she wants. And she knows what she wants. She knows what she wants and just how to get it. Wow, dude. She knows what she wants she knows what she wants and just how to get it wow dude she knows what she wants she knows what she wants she knows what she wants she knows what she wants and just how to get

it dude unbelievable man democrats a democrat can't be a Democrat. A Democrat. That's easy. A Democrat. No Democrats. It's a no. Of course she's Republican. Download the right stuff today. Oh my God, dude. That's hilarious, dude.

Jesus, look at the music, you know. I'd love to see the other version of that, dude. Just the fucking left stuff. Just like a fucking people you can't even tell if they're men or women and shit. Hi, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want in a fucking date? What do you want in a partner? Well, they can be really whatever.

I don't care. I have no preference. They just ask a chair next. What do you want? What do you want? And it's a chair. Patana, patana. ask a chair next what do you want what do you want and it's a chair just a chair it's a puppet with blue hair't want to i don't want a fucking conservative dude that woman and that's this is hilarious dude today we brought in a group of conservative young just fucking the die imagine the liberal

version of this, dude. They just ask a fucking... They cut to an empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol. What do you want in a fucking mate? And wanted to get their honest opinions about what they're looking for in the guys they date. What are you looking for in a partner?

They just have to be a conservative. Dude, all right, so here we go the right stuff was created for conservatives to connect in authentic and meaningful ways other dating apps have gone woke we bring people what is it by the way how does a dating app go woke it's just you anyone can join right it's like fucking isn't what isn't farmers only the one that was supposed to be this but they made it farmers instead of whites right like that was founded by fucking for sure i don't know i mean i know there's fucking i mean there's definitely mexican farmers but like that'd be hilarious if they tried to get in there and then the whites were like oh this is all fucked fuck man fuck man we forgot there's a

bunch of mexican farmers God damn it, man. The right stuff was created for conservatives to connect with authentic and meaningful ways other dating apps have gone woke. We bring people together with shared values and similar passions. Dude, anytime someone says shared values, that's so something that they fucking, that's such a, the way that fucking people have made that to be a trigger for fucking racist, you know? That's hilarious. Discovering other conservatives. Connects with people who aren't offended by everything. Dude, that's so good, man.

Oh, shit. That's hilarious. Look, Brittany, 24, 5'8", three miles away. Getting back to normal. This is great. Wow, they don't even pull any punches. Getting back normal view profiles without pronouns your next match is here this is hilarious dude this guy's a videographer paul 29 three miles away everyone's three miles away uh less talking more dating have a fun date idea post it and see who's interested luke 30

have an extra ticket to saturday night's game Who's looking to cheer on the home team? Wow. So fucking general. So general. Invite only connect with people. Fuck man. Wow, man.

Find the right match. If you're single and on this app, you ain't can wait. What? If you're single and not on this app, you ain't conservative. Wow. Ain't gosh. that's hilarious.

Oh my God, that's amazing. Get on that. I want to know what that is. Somebody send it to me. Somebody send me what their profile is on the right stuff. Today's National Boyfriend Day, which is cool. All the dudes get to find out what, you know. It's so funny, dude, because all the chicks with the fucking thong-ass bikinis

trying to act like they're not hookers and shit, they're going to be all like, you know, today's the day, National Boyfriend Day, and this is the day they're going to get the most unfollows. Fucking incels at the keyboard going like this. This is the number one day the incels at the keyboard go like this. Oh, fuck, dude. All right, unfollow.

Shit, man. I really had a chance. So yeah, it's National Boyfriend Day. So that's great, man. Thank God. Live it up for all the boyfriends out there, man. I just think that it's great

living of all the boyfriends and love. I just think that it's great living of all the boyfriends and love. The fucking fact that Lizzo came out and did the flute, dude. Huh? Lizzo killed that shit, right? She would never be on the right stuff. Here we go.

Wow, Lizzo wow hmm interesting outfit for her but she say doesn't matter what she said it was it's a crystal flute she's i don't mean physically she's big like everyone loves her killed it absolutely fucking slaughtering it wow that's a bad outfit for her i'm on the right stuff though that's a a bad outfit for her. I'm on the right stuff, though. That's a really bad outfit for her. The first and only person to ever play the presidential 200-year-old crystal flute. Just 200.

Oh, wow, dude. Fuck, dude. Thomas Jefferson rolling over in his grave and then wishing he could fuck her. Dude, for real, man. Wow, Thomas Jefferson. Just fucking, I'm telling you right now, the legit John Adams just went like, the fucking corpse of John Adams. Even though it's just skeletons, they did that shit and John Adams goes like this.

Oh, dude. Just fucking, just got me a piece of that. Just got me. Dude, that always makes me laugh oh dude that fucking video of the guy who got dude let's watch it again honestly i know we've seen it on this podcast but fuck this man it's too funny man oh piece of that just got me dude so funny, man. Okay, hold on. QVC. What is it? QVC Samurai Sword Accident. Here we go.

I mean, I love this shit. Wow. 1101-1816 is the item number on this one. And the nice thing about these practice katanas... Oh! Oh, that hurt. Oh, that hurt big time. A piece of that just... The tip just got me, that hurt. Oh, that hurt big time.

A piece of that tip just got me, Odell. Oh, that got me good. You all right? A piece of that tip just got me. You're being so nervous. Oh, right now. We may need emergency surgery in the studio the studio that guy for sure dead by now wow dude

dude i've watched that clip four times on this podcast oh it just got me a piece of that just got me and the guy comes in uh we might need emergency surgery. The guy's dead for sure. Died fucking six years later in a horrific car accident. Like fucking, like fucking was on a bridge, swerved because a fucking cat ran across. And then you're into the side of the gate, and the car was on teetering, and he was like,

oh, I'll probably get out of this one, and then fucking was there for a legit 58 seconds, and then fell to his death and perished. Holy shit, I love thinking and making shit up. Fuck it, man. Wow, dude. Oh, fuck, man. wow dude oh fuck man we uh we have a good time though man we have a good time god damn i love this podcast uh but yeah that's a bad outfit for lizzo um i watched the uh dude did you hear about the fucking fishing dude uh uh that was winning a hundreds of thousands of dollars in

prizes from fishing competitions because he was sticking way weights in the fish like and just and he'd been doing for 10 years and he's just been like taking weights and stick them in them in the fish's mouths and then they'd weigh the fishes and then like now because of this guy they have the fucking guys who do the fishing competitions take lie detector tests afterwards

hey how about just don't do fishing competitions my fish is bigger okay it's all luck the guy's just fucking dude he would just put him in the fin and put like one pound weights in a fucking trout and won hundreds of that my whole thing is bro that's not even that's gaming the system yeah it's cheating but boy did he game the system that's crazy dude now just they caught you next guy put him in the fish's anus um yeah that's so fucking crazy it's crazy

to do something so like is that i wonder if that's illegal. It's gotta be illegal. Like to fuck, you're stealing money, right? I mean, it's lying and stealing money. Wow. Wowie, wow, wow. Yeah, man. Fucking, it's a, it is a crazy world out there. I want to, by the way, I should have fucking started this by thinking about everybody in Florida. People like to say that, you know, they go on TV and thinking about everyone to go on a TV or a podcast, thinking about

everyone in Florida. That's fucking tough. I know actually some of the people on my Patreon, they reached out. We were talking on the Discord. They're in Florida and they're doing okay. But man, it's crazy. I saw some of these fucking things and it's just like, I mean, some of the streets are just, I mean, like up to half the garage and people are just, it sucks, man.

Apparently, a lot of people died. I haven't really been keeping up on it. Maybe I should, but, you know, my buddy's in Florida now. I got a bunch of buddies in Florida. You know, they're all doing okay, but it's just tough, man. I feel like, too, some people aren't leaving. The way the times are, I think people are using, like, no, we don't't like people in florida they don't leave they don't leave bro they don't leave you could be like hey we just found out that aliens are coming down and all they're doing is disintegrating houses in jacksonville

so you should probably move and they go people from the north of florida are you fucking kidding me, they would just be like, I spent too much time here to leave for a little bit of a fucking alien, I spent way, I grew up here, this is my home, they all think that they're fucking Michael Caine in a movie, you know, they all think that they're like some like deep Matthew McConaughey character, and it's just like, but just move for a little bit, but hey dude, you want to die the way you want to die? You could do it. I feel bad though, man.

I feel bad about this. Mother nature, that's a motherfucker, isn't it? Oh, God. If Kristen watches another fucking serial killer documentary, I'm going to just empty my bowels all over the couch. It's just everything we you know it's like either dommer or fucking the other day that that what was it the anthrax one was on netflix netflix will just make a fucking document it doesn't matter how the anthrax one was big but they'll be like they'll make one about any they made one about the laurie Lori Vallows or whatever the fuck.

Everyone already knows all that shit, you know? Dahmer, I get it, because there's like the biggest ones they'll always be made, and then like maybe one that you've never heard of. But Netflix will even make the ones in the middle that we already know all the shit about, but then they'll just like, they'll make it like it's some big Dahmer shit, and it's even a domer shit you know it's just kind of sad man i was hearing

what little boozy was saying about how like dude it's so fucked up for the families and shit about the the um it's so fucked up for the families of the of the people who were slain they say that to make it sound more noble which is you know i guess good because they were slain but uh and it's so fucked up for these like imagine you you your like husband or wife was killed by some serial killer and then and then they make a documentary and a fucking you know a crazy uh uh series about it that's like you know all for the dollar and you just got to sit there and watch as people are like oh i'll buy the guy's prison glasses for 150 000 because serial killers are sexy you got fucking thoughts on tiktok just like

these are the these are the serial killers i would fuck in order and it's like yeah but they fucking kill people are so sad it's kind of fucked up there's nothing to do about it but i mean like i feel like little boozy's right they should be paid these families should be paid to bring up all their trauma and shit but i don't know man and like at least with the forensic files like they pay the people to come on the show it's like they'll make 350 dollars for talking about it and that was when i realized you know the ice cubes had castrol gt in it and that was when she realized the ice cubes had castrol gt formula in it um but yeah we watched that anthrax one which was i didn't know am i racist i thought it was

the fucking people from uh afghanistan or saudi arabia whatever the fuck it was i'm i'm a dude i had no idea that it was just some kooky white guy that was just literally anthrax and everyone tried to get involved the one on netflix it's good it's got that dude from the um that one marvel show that everyone i guess watches i don't know what it is but he's a good actor um the guy who obviously was uh it was between him and the guy who actually got better call saul but then that guy got it um anyway he plays the guy and it was just some guy who was like leading investigators down a wrong path. And then it was really him mailing out all the anthrax to everyone because he was just, he felt like he had a dark passenger inside of him. And he was like, I don't even know what I'm doing, but I'm mailing all this anthrax everywhere.

And then he killed himself before they even fucking brought charges on him. So, you know, they never really proved it was him so uh you know they never really proved it was him or what because they never took him to court but it sure looked like it was him you know who knows and then um yeah he just fucking killed himself so we'll never know that is crazy man and then how fucking terrible the postal service was where they'll just stay open because all the employees were just like they don't give a fuck about them and then and then they just the second somebody mailed something to dan rather they were like okay everybody out of the building everyone out of the city it was mailed to dan rather he's beloved everyone out of the city and then the up the

postal service workers they were like look we're gonna remain open just be cool everything's fine dudes with hazmat suits coming in and everything's fine just make sure you lick the envelopes if they aren't licked if they're not closed lick the envelopes yourselves and then people died in dc dude i don't know am i racist because i thought it was a fucking i don't know i don't know. Am I racist? Because I thought it was a fucking... I don't know. I don't know, man. I was on stage the other night in Oxnard. It was awesome.

And all of a sudden, dude, the lights were so bright. I just go like this. Oh, huh. I'm going to pass out. They were so bright. And I'm talking, doing my act, you know, people laughing, people listening, and immediately just go like this,

oh, going to pass out, and was struggling so hard for 10 minutes. Like, don't pass out. You ever get that? You're like, don't pass out, and you're like, well, you won't, but we are thinking about it now, so, oh, fuck, maybe I'm going to pass out. No, no, no, wait, hold on a second. Oh, fuck, oh, shit. you're like, well, you won't, but we are thinking about it now. So, oh, fuck, maybe I'm going to pass out.

No, no, no. Wait, hold on a second. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. No, no, no. You got this. Just think about breathing. And then you're like, hold on. Been thinking about breathing too much.

Whoa, going to pass out. Bro, I was fucking. I didn't pass out, but I don't know what. I never felt like that before. I got off stage. I was so tired. And then I drove home and I drove home. And of course, was so awake and then fucking couldn't fall asleep yes i feel like that right

now because i'm thinking about it oh my god masa amini the iran woman killed because she was wearing um everyone's talking about this Tua concussion and this Iranian woman, the media, you know, the media, I guess it is not covering her enough, but she was killed

because she wasn't covering everything but her eyes. We got to get the Middle East to just kind of, let's catch up, huh? i get it tradition and tradition always fucking leads to so much turmoil i've always said that on this podcast right i mean how mad just take how mad is a dad when thanksgiving isn't right do you know i'm talking about so do you could you imagine hundreds and thousands of years of women's just dressing the fuck up and not showing anything but their eyes and then all of a sudden one woman just it slips a little bit and then gets beaten to death like hey that's

the strength of 10 million dads with thanksgiving not going right and that's horrible like let's just catch up anybody who thinks uh uh uh you sound so woke but like let let let you know i joke around about thoughts on fucking tiktok and fucking instagram and it's but they can do what they want all right it's terrible that these fucking this woman's getting i mean also the amount of comments that i get on my instagram be our voice of iran it's like me speak out please use your platform i'm like me but uh yeah it's obviously very terrible. And I can't imagine being mad at somebody else, period. You know? Live and let live, not die.

I don't even know anymore. Drew Barrymore. Is she... You know, it's interesting to watch these famous people go from... Well, let's just watch this. Not eat the bread. Here we go. Here we go.

If you're having a day where you're trying to, like, not eat the bread... Wow, I want that pizza so bad. I'm sure people are going to be like, how dare you do this to a pizza? I get it. I feel really guilty about it myself. But I just take the top of the pizza and a little salad, which has basically all the same toppings as the pizza.

Yeah, but so do the toppings. The toppings of the pizza have the toppings of the pizza. And then I make a pizza salad. Pizza salad. I mean, the person just laughing so mad. And then it's actually really crunchy and delicious. Crunchy? And then you get the satisfaction of eating a pizza, but it may be for gluten intolerant. and now she's eating

nothing's like bread huh isn't that fucked up though how bread is like that's cause it's not the second you oh man your body eats bread and your body goes what the fuck is that that fucked up though how bread is like that's because it's not the second you're oh man your body eats bread your body goes the fuck is that but it's so good dude i love these famous people that just like social media has really exposed them to just be like the lunatics they are and i'm not saying drew barrymore is a lunatic but like sometimes you i mean you saw the drew barrymore show or whatever the fuck that was that interview show where she did i mean that was

just you know at what point is enough is enough you know you look at the rock and shit you see the rock fucking um he posted a uh an instagram reel the other day and he was like never got to hang out with my dad so i'm i wish i had the relationship so i'm hanging out with my the guy who plays my dad in fucking in the rock show on nbc dude and it was like and then he played it over the music was i would get one more time to dance with my father again and they're just sauntering on grass and it's like all good feel bad but you don't oh and like i can't didn't get to hang out my dad so much so it's great i get to hang out my tv dad he's younger than you

dance with my father again luther Vandross. That song will make you fucking cry. Dude, I fucking, whenever I would see shit about my dad, not my dad, but dads in movies, I cry. And I was like, one day I'll get over that because of the, I love my dad. You know, I love my mom too, but like something about like father, son shit. And now I was getting over it. Then Calvin came, dude. shit and now i was getting over it then calvin came dude dance with my father again and now i'm fucking on the other end of it dude fucking i i'm like is kevin costner in my eyeball asking dennis hopper where's the? Because this shit's water world.

Dance with my father again. Um. Yeah. Forget it, dude. I mean, anyway. I'm going to try that pizza. I want pizza so bad, dude. it's unfair how good pizza is, and ice cream is, it's unfair, if I, I would eat pizza and ice cream every day, and no bullshit,

and just, maybe I should just do that until I die, for real, like, why, like, you know, do you, are you like me, do you, are you like should i be help because man i said could i wake up sometimes my tummy hurts from the night before and i'm like i shouldn't have ate those fucking burgers and shit and ice cream and maybe i should eat like more salads and you know i've been really a fucking train wreck eating because you know it's like one addiction at a time and like sugar be really tasting really good. But like the fucking man, maybe I should just now that I got Calvin, it's like irresponsible. But like maybe I should just eat fucking pizza and ice cream and shit. It's so good.

It's so fucking good. I just can eat pizza and ice cream every fucking day. Put the pizza on the ice cream. Just Drew Barrymore it up and it's crunchy. Oh God, I'm so fucking hungry. Drew Barrymore it up and it's crunchy. Oh God, I'm so fucking hungry. Here's another one.

The economics behind quiet quitting and what we should call it instead. 20 something engineer named Zayed Khan. He's like a Batman villain with the sound of a piano playing in a regime style. So this is on TikTok. I recently learned about this term called quiet quitting where you're not outright quitting your job, but you're quitting the idea of going above and beyond you're still performing your duties but no longer subscribing the hustle culture

mentality that the work has done your life the reality is it's not and your worth as a person is not defined by your labor oh dude try telling that to a fucking man that's how a lot of men get their self-worth but okay quiet quitting in other words, is not really about quitting. It's more like a philosophy for doing the bare minimum at your job. That's how this country runs, baby, dude. You don't want your Amazon delivery guy showing up like, hi, get the fuck out of here, you creep. You don't want some guy, you really want to bang, tell her, hello, how's, dude, you know how pissed off i get at fucking when i'm in wells fargo and they're like and did you do anything fun for the weekend and i'm like take this paper just tell me to sign the bank saya the fuck nara it's so annoying dude while i go to wells fargo they asked me 70 different questions i think they actually got hip to it

because i started complaining about it a lot on stage I didn't put it in my last two specials ago, I was gonna but I was doing it all over the country about how annoying it was Wells Fargo was fucking when they were asking me how's your day? you doing anything for the weekend? you got a girl in your life? just like what the fuck?

give me the fucking let me push this paper under this glass and give me a small bottle of water that's the size of a keychain and i'm out like dude that's how this country runs i don't want my fucking guys going above and beyond i don't want that. I need a bunch of people that don't want to be at work throwing my fucking packages at my door trying to ricochet them off of lampposts and shit.

The last thing I want is a friendly motherfucker when I'm trying to check something out. The last thing I want. Here you go. Thank you. Here you go. That's $5.95. Thanks. Bye. Hey there. How are you?. Thank you. Here you go. That's $5.95. Thanks. Bye. Hey there.

How are you? Nope, dude. I'm fine. How much I... See, they think I'm the dick, but it's like I'm Russian about this shit, dude. Don't smile at me because I just think you want something from me. in japan there's a concept called shokunin which refers to an artisan who is deeply dedicated to their craft always striving for perfection in what they make that's japan if i want that i'll move to Tokyo, dude. Give me some half-ass American shit, dude.

I want my cars breaking the fuck down and people pissed off that they're sitting behind glass. Quiet quitting is the opposite of shokunin. Shokunin. Setting boundaries and simply completing the tasks you're opposed to complete within the time that you're paid to do them. Fuck yeah, America.

No extra frills. Fuck yeah, dude. When I go to my show, I do an hour or less of material and give it my all, baby. And after that, I'll do the meet and greet. I'm all smiles, dude.

Because you know what? I do love you. And life fucking rips. I do. I love you. And I've been taking that CBD, dude. That pure spectrum CBD. I've been taking that CBD and it's keeping me all regulated and nice.

My legs don't even move at night anymore when I go to sleep. I don't have restless leg syndrome you want the fucking cbd click the link in the show description you get 10 off if you use code congrat congrats but i'm even the fucked out the second i'm done with that me angry because i do secretly love you you guys when i say oh thank you very much i appreciate all the artwork you get even that weird fucking artwork that the guy made of me in a Freddy Krueger thing that's on the tour report I thank you for that dude give me a bunch of stickers that say

life rips with the Freddy Krueger design on it super weird I love you for that though bro couldn't exactly bring the Freddy glove on the plane because they're knives but I still love you bro but the second I'm done dude the second i go into my car i'm tired of shit dude that's that no frills you know that's me not checking my emails you know that's me not checking my emails on the weekends that's me fuck i'm tired right now dude yeah man we're back dude i had to take

a break dude i mean i was starting to talk about the lights and shit and the and then i started feeling dizzy so that's cool man man. Am I just old? And in the meantime, ordered food because I'm disrespectful like that, but respectful because that's me, dude. Let's do some Tinder and Deserve It scales. I love you guys. And Peoria and Rockford.

I'll see you soon, Savannah. Georgia and Raleigh. I'll see you soon. ChrisLea.com for tickets, but let's do these here. Deserve It scales. God, these are see you soon. ChrisLea.com for tickets. But let's do these here. Deserve it scales. God, these are fucking... Here we go, boy.

To steal a cell phone in London. Alright. Let's see what this is all about. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, shit. My bad. Oh, the kid is... Is that a kid? A kid is...

Wait, hold on. What the fuck is happening right now? An adult just so... By the way, the adult so insecurely fucking tackled him. Look, he's like, should I do it? Should I do it? No, no, no. Let me just boot him into this fucking thing.

So the guy's got him down. The camera goes away. And then the kid comes by and just starts choking. Why did the guy leave? Are they a team? Is this Batman and Robin? What the fuck? This is so weird, dude.

Why did they tap? Why did the guy tag team it? Look at the people just wondering. Nothing to see here. Let's go. Let's get out of here the most British guy with the fucking British dog came by What the...

And then the woman comes out, what help do you need? What are you talking about? There's a dude that's... The guy stole a phone. Why... What happened to the first guy that booted him into the wall? He's just gone. He's like, did my part. Gotta get the fuck out of here. Gotta go do grocery store.

I mean, sideshow Bob, the guy. All these people are the most British people of all time cause there's like dude the way the guy booted him look at the way he got should I I don't know ah fuck it boom into the thing smashed him it is crazy he gets up and lets the kid handle it the kid just fucking

falls on him my back my back my back my back was that Trina my neck my back gets up and lets the kid handle it. The kid just fucking falls on him. My back. My back, my back, my back. Was that Trina? My neck, my back. Okay, here we go. That was, I mean, you deserve it if you steal a phone. That is, how did that dude boot? He won't learn his

lesson that way. Here we go. Okay. Here's another one. Hold on. Somebody cut him in line. Let's watch this shit. Bro, come on, I'm talking to you, man. Yo, I'm trying, I'm trying. You want something disordering, man? Bro, I'm trying, bro. That's me. Bro, are you serious?

Bro, I'm not even gonna say the N-word. You fucking black guy. Holy shit. I'm not even going to say the N-word, you fucking black. Dude, and then he fucking, the guy just picks him up. Holy shit, dude. That's fucking hilarious, the voice, dude. Dude, he just throws him into the milkshake maker.

And then he starts throwing fries at him. That guy got handled, dude. I mean, I've never seen somebody get more handled than that. I'm never going to say the N-word. You fucking black guy? And the guy goes, okay. Threw him off like it was one of the burgers. Jesus Christ, dude.

That's hilarious. Wow, that kid so fucking was that big bully in Home Alone or whatever. Or no, what's the fucking movie? The Christmas Story. Bro, you just passed me. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I was right there. So fucking New York. The way he pushed him. The Christmas Story. So fucking New York. The way he pushed him.

Dude, the fucking... What? I'm not even gonna say the N-word. What? Dude, you know what that reminded me of? This shit, dude. When he goes, what? That reminded me of this. Fucking, um...

Oh, we don't have it. Oh, you do. Right here. That one. Huh? What? Dude, fucking... Wow, that was unbelievable. He threw him like a sack of potatoes that must have hurt so bad dude wow dude what are you talking about you got a problem

you're fucking black guy so long island dude oh wow trying to fight a wall what the fuck is this person doing here we go trying to fight a wall it says what could go wrong we love it oh fuck that's a cartoon that girl became a cartoon she just oh one thing's for sure this girl has the best parents this girl's the best parents dude she thinks nothing could go wrong you know she's like let me just get in this small fucking six by six room and launch off one of the walls and the hopefully the elevators open boom right there and falls like the family guy with her arm behind her back i mean unbelievable this girl has the best parents ever wow that fucking she killed it deserve it scale a fucking. That one's funny because she's probably okay. I hope. That one's a 10, dude.

Oh, when they threw the guy when she threw the guy, or when the dude threw the guy, that's a 10. That was one of the best deserved scales of all time. What? I'm not even going to call you the N-word. What? Let me throw you into the fucking malt machine.

Anyway, dude. You you guys i had a good time with you um thanks for uh listening like and subscribe peoria i will be there uh tomorrow or next day or something and then rockford illinois i'll be there the next day and then savannah and raleigh and tempe and shit we got them all coming up dallet or not dallas denver sorry and And Boston, we're having a good time. Like and subscribe. We love you, my babies. Keep it real. That's it for the YouTube

episode, but if you want to catch the raw, the uncut, the extra length episode, you're going over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. And we also do other things, like we have a thing called Review Mode where we review different things. We have a podcast. I put an episode of a podcast up with Kristen.in uh two of them i believe one of them at least one of them uh and then we also have an extra episode a month that you can get all for

six dollars a month uh like and subscribe uh but also subscribe to our patreon patreon.com thank you very much Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared motherfucking fuck This motherfucker right here is a motherfucking clown Motherfucker