Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 29. Nashdakota

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

It is the 29th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the KKK (yeah that's right). Also discussed: honky tonk music and live music in Nashville in general, an absolutely amazing DM from a fan, Uber drivers who make signs, The Definition of a Cuda song, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply what's up babies today's uh podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. For less than $10 per person per meal, that's nothing. That's nothing. You pay more going out to eat or anything else.

Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with the pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats you will love how good it feels and tastes in your mouth

to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron so don't wait that's blueapron.com slash congrats Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron is a better way to cook. This episode is also brought to you. Hmm.

Also or also? I think also. It's also brought to you by Square Cash. If you don't know what Square Cash is by now, you could for real. Because right now I'm telling you I've said it so much on this podcast. I if you're not switching to this cash app, then you are you mean nothing to me. OK, it's the best way to pay people back. Most payments can be deposited to your bank account in seconds.

If you use other apps to pay people, I you know, it's just just not, I don't, I don't want you to be doing that. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Babies, what the fuck? Hey, fresh off the plane. I'm fresh off the plane from Nashville. Fresh off the plane from Cashville. Dude, I did it. I came fresh off the plane. Extraville. Dude, I did it. I came fresh off the plane. Extra paper.

Scoop that up. There's an LL Cool J song where he says, Fresh off the private jet from Europe. Extra paper. Scoop that up. Eh, se cock. To say that, extra paper, first of all, is eh, se cock. And then to say he scooped it up is eh, se cock.

So I always think about that when I say I got off the plane. Fresh off the private jet from Europe. Extra paper. Scoop that up. Like he's also asking the question. Extra paper? Scoop that up. Like we all had a – like, hey, Alakujo, what do you do with your extra paper?

Well, I just scoop it up. Fresh off the private jet from Europe. It's a cock. So – but yeah, I went to, I was in Nashville and I just got back, sat down recording for my babies. That's it, dude. Mommy's loud and clear right now. Daddy's loud and clear right now.

So that's what I'm doing to, that's what I'm doing for you guys. Cause I want you to get that. Some of you guys late night vampires are going to be listening to this and I really really enjoy that you're going to be doing that and I'm here for you I could have put it out

on Tuesdays could have done it because that's what I said in the beginning I would I would give you guys at least by Tuesday but I've been pretty good about doing it at least late Monday. A lot of people have been coming up to me saying, I'm a baby, which is fucking hilarious still to me. Grown men walking up and saying, hey man, I'm a baby or from across the street, I'm a baby. And it's so funny not knowing that not everybody knows about the podcast.

And everyone else looking at that guy and thinking, the fuck is wrong with that lunatic? But that just shows the support, the full fucking cult support that you guys are fucking doing it. And you guys, we are organizing and we are getting together. My goal is to get the government to come after me on this bullshit, okay? Because it's like a cult. But yeah, I was in Nashville and got off the – I was in Nashville. And now Nashville is a great city. I'm not going to – it's a great city.

It really is. It's probably one of the best cities in America. Now, with that being said, I'm about to shit all over it, okay? Because it's a comedy podcast. One time – oh, wait. I did a show in Nashville. I was making fun in Nashville and I was doing – I did eight shows, by the way. I had five shows and then I was just going to do a little run but then it sold out very quickly.

So I added two more. It sold out very quickly. So I added one more, all all right i did eight shows so one of so you know i'd open up i always open up talking about the city well usually and uh and somebody was like yo you made fun of my city man that's not fucking cool hey man don't go to a comedy show real quick real quick don't go to a comedy show nashville is great though and uh it's got some here's the deal these cities are weird though nashville's feel in itself which is is super fucking flamboyantly annoying okay super fucking annoying that it's i don't like the cities that feel themselves.

This is Nashville. This is Austin. This is Denver. This is San Francisco. Now you probably say, what about Los Angeles and New York? Yeah, but those cities are too big that it swallows everything else. Okay? Also, cities where everyone's always talking about how great they are, it makes me real mad. In New York, they do that, but New York is just so fucking big.

It's a conglomeration not called Death Row. And New York is just like, hey, New York, this is the best fucking city in the world. And they've, you know, and you're just like, yeah, okay. and you're just like yeah okay i've been to a lot of places but nashville you'll be there and people will be like in nashville great and you're just like ah let me just fucking chill out and eat my fucking subway sandwich all right but you got to admit nashville ain't that great yeah yeah yeah um and so anyway uh i i i i since so i they have this i didn't go i actually did didn't go i walked through it the broadway area where they've got fucking just bars every bar there on both sides of the street has fucking live music in in it cool it you don't have that yeah guess what don't have all the live music in the same fucking place know why because

then it all sounds like noise okay have a fucking bar with live music on it far away from another bar with live music in it this way if you're standing outside of both the bars you don't hear two honky-tonk boys fucking screaming out lyrics, okay? Country music, you know, make it about other things. Don't just make it about... Dude, they should make a country song about love, dude. They should make a country song about love. And a girl...

A guy should sing about a girl. A guy should sing about a girl that he loves or a girl that he missed an opportunity with. That's what somebody should make a country song about. Or you know what? A girl should make a country song about a guy that did him wrong. Dude, where's that country song? Where's the country song about the girl that,

where the guy did him wrong, and she's about to do a two-step on his face? Where's the country song about the girl falling where the guy did him wrong and she's about to do a two-step on his face where's the country song about the girl falling in love huh hey country songs hey conch songs make more songs about love so many songs about love dude oh i love her i'm a honky tonk lover. Honky tonk. Shonky tonk. Dude, it's fucking shonky tonk, man. It's shonky tonk.

Honky tonk loving. You walk down Broadway and that's one thing. And then you walk two steps and it's fucking. Oh, I fucking, he did me wrong He did me wrong I took a bat to his TV And then you walk two more feet And then it's honky tonk loving And you're like, isn't this the fucking first song?

Yeah, but all the songs are about honky tonk loving Or a dude doing a girl wrong Brown, brick and brown Country's about the same shit Country's about the same shit country is about the same shit you know what i would listen to this country song that was called country's about the same shit and i would listen to all the lyrics country is about the same shit as the song before you just heard a country song so why are you listening to this one too it's the same song brown brown honky tonk

do it and you walk out in the live bars if you're gonna have music in your bar have music in your bar but don't open the fucking doors and windows so every time i walk by it's like i'm in the bar because it's so loud and i just want to walk down the middle of the street with both of my hands out with both of my fingers up extended to each side of the fucking honky tonk Broadway. And just giving the fucking bird to each and every bar. Honky tonk loving, fuck you. He did me wrong, fuck you. More honky tonk loving, fuck you.

That's how it goes. That's how the walk goes. And, oh, here's another thing, Nashville. And I was talking about this on stage. Don't call it Nash Vegas. Okay? Why? Now, let me give you the blanket reason why.

Because it's so sad. Now, why is it so sad? Well, because you claim to be one of the baddest cities in the world, one of the greatest cities in the country. So then don't use another city's name to join in to make the name with your city. Because then you're basically saying, hey, we're bitches. We're bitches and the other city is better. That's what you're saying. That's what you're saying.

That's what you're saying. Hey, Nash Vegas? That's fucking stupid. The first guy who thought of that must have shit himself. Must have been like, fucking dude, this ain't even Nashville. This is fucking Nash Vegas. And then everyone else went, oh, wow. And then one guy had a heart attack and had to sit down for a little bit. Had a mini little mini heart attack.

And he was like, oh, shit, man. I actually can't believe you made such a fucking cool ass discovery. Ting. Oh, shit, man. I thought I was honky tonk. But you came up with that Nash Vegas shit. Nope. Guess what I'm going to call it now?

Nash Dakota. That's what I'm calling it. You're going to call it Nash Vegas? Every time I hear someone say Nash Vegas, I'm going to fucking say, oh, you mean Nash Dakota? Oh, you mean Nashaska? You mean Nash Coover? Actually, that place is fucking dope. You have to pick bad places.

I don't know. Nash Jersey. What is it? What's like Las Vegas in Nashville? Can you gamble? No. Can you fuck hookers? No. Can you fuck hookers? No.

Can you kill dead bodies and fucking cover it up? No. Is the first 48 often taking place in your city? On the outskirts, yes. But in Nashville? No. Yes. But in Nashville?

No. I love how Nashville is like one fucking blue dot in the middle of a red sea. Like, you can just be in Nashville and be like, I'm coming out. I want the world to know. And just be fucking sucking dudes' dicks and everybody's cool and that's awesome. And be liberal as shit. And then if you take like three steps out of the fucking, out of Nash Dakota.

People are like, hey, what do you think you're doing around here, long hair boy? Or like, you're getting a little sweet on that boy aren't you and you're like uh take three steps back um yeah so i but anyway we were cool it was cool to be there um i had a good time there uh i was staying at a hotel and then the other uh my other two openers were staying at the condo across the street uh and um i mean these guys are just fuck these guys are a laugh dude you know what these guys are a laugh they're a laugh i mean they're like mike and mark first of all their names are they're like somebody said this i don't remember who it was but they're like the two fucking idiots in oceans 11 then they are where they're just like

talking about shit that doesn't matter who was it uh affleck the Affleck kid and Khan. Was that who it was? I don't know, but it was two of them. They were always bumbling and that's who they are. They're great guys. One of them, Irish Mark. Dude, he fucking sweats so much. But when he laughs, it's like he's a fucking black comedian in the middle of his set like and i'm just talking about when he laughs at a diner he sweats so much it's unbelievable

and and and the word he uses to describe the the best thing like the the like if something's great but better than great he'll say unreal that's how i got the unreal pants thing he'd be like oh those pants are unreal and he's and but he'll anything he'll be like oh is that was it unreal like we'll be at a fucking was this was that crowd good oh was it unreal it's unbelievable unbelievable um but the shows were great uh what did we fucking laugh at we were there early we're at the fucking show or we're at the um airport early and um what the fuck was he saying i don't remember what we were laughing but we were laughing so fucking hard that Mark was laughing so hard. He was sweating so fucking much, dude. And then we started laughing that he was sweating so much. And then we couldn't stop laughing.

He couldn't stop sweating. And he was so wet by the end of it. Syncriminating that I'm saying this on the podcast. Now y'all know that i have a sweaty opener um but yeah and uh so so oh god it's so fucking hot in this room it's so hot in this room dude and my fucking producer who was a nice guy came over while i was gone and fucking did you know some shit at the for the podcast at my house and then when he left he was like hey man just to let you know that you're keeping the air on and you shouldn't be keeping the air on and i was like oh yeah so I turned the air off remotely with my phone because James Bond

okay and then um and then when I got home to do this podcast the place was 157 degrees so I was looking at after I spent fucking 35 minutes looking for boa constrictors So I was looking at, after I spent fucking 35 minutes looking for boa constrictors, I sat down to do this podcast. Now, since the producer told me to turn off the air and then I got back and now the air is not on and it's 157 degrees and I had to look for boa constrictors for 35 minutes, one fire him. Now, it's cool. Okay. But one fire him. Now, he's a nice guy. One fire him.

But, you know, it's all good um anyway uh oh dude but i fucking forget i always want to lead with this and i don't lead with this um so i uh we got new t-shirts in you kudos uh and new um free conch and we got all so go to congratulations or go to chrisalea.com you can get the fucking stuff um and all that my opener was getting sick so it's always cool as a comedian when your opener gets sick because he goes on before you and gets the microphone fucking all hijinked up and then you got to go on stage and the whole time you're fucking even though you're even though you're fucking even though you're fucking and making the crowd laugh and they're loving you and they're like say more say more and people are falling down and people are crying and people are like oh my god i've never said

anything like this even though that's right there are little fucking uh flu uh bacteria crawling into your mouth and that's all you're thinking about even though you're they're still crawling bacteria in your mouth you know you're about to get the flu so but the fucking zanies is a cool club dude it's it's a cool club and it that late friday night show there are always pieces of shit in it always pieces of shit in it man there was one chick that was just talking way too loud and i said hey you got to shut the fuck up and everyone got weird then i tried to go into my act and it was definitely weird for another minute. Oh, yeah.

I fucking sorry, guys, but I had to fucking stop the podcast and take my shirt off. I'm sorry. And I know you. So here may have been a little bit of a jump cut right there. I don't know, but it was getting so fucking hot in this room

because my producer won fire him, but he I had to take off my T-shirt. And I know that obviously now, you know, I'm doing my T-shirt, my podcast without my t-shirt and I know that obviously, uh, now, you know, I'm doing my t-shirt, my podcast without my t-shirt on and you can definitely fucking probably feel the sexual energy. Uh, anyway, it's going to be a little bit super sexy, a little bit more super sexy from now on. Um, so sorry about that, but whatever you got to deal with, you got to deal with, you

know what I mean? Um, uh, dude, when I know what i mean um uh dude when i was at the airport uh when i was coming back from the airport uh today i was in in fucking nash dakota and i fucking was waiting to get in through the tsa and the oh something that's so cute happened and this fucking i hear this voice go because i'm putting my fucking computer in the bin separately. I'm taking it out of my bag even though it doesn't matter. And I'm putting my toiletries in the little plastic bags and putting it in the thing even though it doesn't matter either because nothing's going to happen. But still, I can do that.

And I'm taking my shoes off and I'm putting it in a bin because you got to take your shoes off even though it doesn't matter. So I did that. And while I'm doing all those things, I absolutely don't matter. So the, while I'm doing those things, I hear from behind this kid say, excuse me, I'm 14. Am I allowed to go through there? And dude, I looked over and I, and I, first of all, it warmed my, I warmed my heart because a hundred percent, the kid is saying anyone can ever say because to say excuse me sir i'm 14 is absolutely adorable okay but then also say and not saying should i go through there but saying

am i allowed to go through there is a polite and also adorable okay that's it warmed my heart then i turned around and looked at the kid and i saw myself in that kid and i thought that's so cute he's traveling with his family. And I travel with my family. And the kid's wearing shorts. And he's got knobby as shit knees. And a fucking bad haircut. And a great t-shirt.

But it made me fucking almost cry. Because the kid was warming my heart. Because he said that. And he has no idea he did that. He has no idea. He probably doesn't remember what he said. Also, he had an orange suitcase. Don't have an orange suitcase.

Anyway, my point is, the kid was so dorky. But it was so cute how I heard it first and then expected it to be cute, turned around. Now, 14-year-olds also, let me tell you something. You're not cute if you're a 14-year-old unless your parents think you're cute. But 14-year-olds look dorky as shit. When someone's 14, their head's too big, their knees are too big, their shoes are too big, shit okay when someone's 14 their head's too big their knees are too big their shoes are too big and you know they got pimples all over their faces but this kid said the thing first i heard it am i allowed to go through there talking about the x-ray thing oh of course you're allowed what the fuck you're a human we got to know if you have bombs on you but it was so cute man so then I went back and I grabbed my computer, put it back in the bag, even though it doesn't matter. I took my fucking shoes and put them back on,

even though it doesn't matter, and I also put my toilet shoes back in my dock even though it doesn't matter also. Yeah, but it was very cute. It was very, very cute. It was very, very cute. I don't like to get political on this podcast, but I can't believe, I mean, all of Twitter and Instagram is so fucking political right now.

It's so fucked up what's going on. It's so fucking crazy what's happening. All the crazy pictures of like the black cop and then the white supremacist behind him. And then the other day I saw, or no, I'm sorry, not the other day i saw or no today i'm sorry not the other day today um i saw pictures of like fucking i saw a picture with a black cop i think it was like two black cops trying to like talk to this fucking two-year-old with a kkk outfit on the fucking a baby white supremacist like didn't even know any better like what the fuck the kid could barely say the kid could barely say the n-word and he's a fucking a racist no it was so fucking sad and

also like weird that some piece of shit would dress their son in a KKK outfit. Like some little kid is just like... Like some kid... Like no kid ever said some shit like, I don't like Koreans. Like because they're too young. I only like my kind. Like no fucking kid ever said that.

I don't like the people who are different colors i only like pale people i only like people who don't have who i only like white people i mean it was so fucked up i'm making light of it you know whatever but it's it was so fucked up that these and that you know god imagine seeing that in in actual life like seeing a fucking clue cluck a kook luck is it kook lucks or kook kook lucks cool hey change it oh kook clucks clan. Hey, that's the biggest problem with your organization, okay? Imagine being like, dude, imagine, like, just listen to that sentence, actually. Like, take an alien coming down to Earth and being like, all dressed up as a human and being like, talking to another alien.

Now, the other alien has no idea what any organizations are, right? And the alien says seriously to the other alien, hey, I've really given this a lot of thought. And I really want to join the Ku Klux Klan. Dude, it's actually even hard to say in an earnest way. Hey, mom, dad, I've been thinking about it for quite some time, and you may not agree with it, but I really want to be a member of the ku klux klan hey are you a fucking wrestler that's a dumb fucking name okay also no matter what organization you are don't wear

pointy hats okay oh they cover your face dorks oh you got robes dorks oh you look like orco grew feet and threw his fucking laundry in the

in with the whites you're a dork. Okay? You're a fucking dork. Oh, you dressed your kid up to be a white supremacist? Hey, kids aren't supreme at anything except for shitting their pants. So put pants on them, not cloaks. Bye.

Look, Mom, Dad, I've really been thinking about joining the Ku Klux Klan. Imagine. Oh, well, you can't join that because of the fucking stupidest shit name. So anyway, can you join something else like a federation of something? Oh, man. Anyway, so now they're after me probably, you know? It's weird that they think, like, we're all like, everyone's like, you shouldn't be racist. They're not, you know, don't be racist.

But the white supremacists don't think that they're racist. They think that they're the fucking, whoa, sorry racist but the white supremacists don't think that they're racist they think that they're the fucking whoa sorry i almost turned into a dragon i don't know if you heard that but i had a fucking thing going on in my in my chest and all that shit cool it's gross um but um they think that they're the uh object of where all the racism is coming from they think that what they're doing is right, dude. It's never right to dress up a baby as anything. Except on Halloween, dress him up as a vampire.

So, dude, I just don't quite understand it but you know i grew up a little differently than maybe those people but i am white like those people which is weird and it makes me feel weird uh being white and it also is hard to not feel guilty about it too uh even though i know i don't do that shit like i i just don't want to be associated with those fucking pieces of shit it's just weird it's a weird fucking time for everybody man it really fucking is and i loved how the fucking it feels like everybody's doing everything wrong though man like the liberals like took down the statue and like we're kicking the statue hard like you're just hurting your foot dude you're gonna break your foot

and also then you make liberals look violent i get it there's a lot of pent-up emotion but i don't know is this this too serious? I'm not... I mean... Anyway. Anyway, white supremacy is bad. Have you guys tried Lyft? Lyft knows that their drivers are what keep them moving. Literally. And emotionally.

So they do everything that they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every tip it's a simple formula happy drivers mean happy passengers maybe that's why nine out of ten lift rides gets a perfect five-star rating um hello i don't like to do that a lot but that deserves a fuck uh lift rides get a perfect five-star rating um hello lift was the first ride share platform with tipping built right into the app. Okay? The other one's copied, so that must mean that Lyft is the best.

Okay? By the way, tips shouldn't depend on your passenger having a crumpled-up bill in their pocket. Express Pay lets you get paid

almost instantly instead of waiting for weeks. Join the ride-sharing company that believes in treating its people better. Go to lyft.com slash congrats today and you can get a $500 new driver bonus. That's lyft.com slash congrats. lyft.com slash congrats. Limited time only. Terms apply. 5-4 is this company, 5-4 Club,

okay? It understands that you're, it's a clothing company. It understands that your time is extremely valuable. And why waste it at the mall or wandering around in the stores? Dude, have you been to a mall recently? Oh, it's like that movie Strange Days with Ralph Fiennes. Also, that guy's name should be Ralph Fiennes. They've been the leading mens wear brand for 15 years. And you can trust them with your wardrobe.

They got hot styles, man. I wear a few of their shirts all the time. They sent me some stuff. And each month, they send you a box of two to three items that are handpicked to match the current season and your style. So if you complete dork, which you are probably, you let these guys help you. They've been helping men with fashion for over 15 years

and ship to over 100,000 men every month. They know what they're doing. If you don't, that's fine. If you don't because you're a dork, they do because they're fashionable. They'll help you build your wardrobe one month at a time. You get $120 worth of clothes for just $60 a month. Paws are canceled any time. Chris Paul and Mark Wahlberg use 5-4 Club

and 5-4 is featured in GQ Vice and in style. Go to 5-4 Club.com right now and enter promo code congrats and they'll give you 50% off your first month's package plus a free pair of sunglasses. What? That's 50% off your first package at 5-4 Club spelled F-I-V-E-F-O-U-R club.com.

Promo code congrats. 5-4 club.com. Promo code congrats. So what's up? Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg says to do something. You got to do it. Mark Wahlberg does that. I think what is it? Mark Wahlberg. If Mark Wahlberg says to do something, you got to do it. Mark Wahlberg does that, I think, what is it, DirecTV thing? Look it up.

I think he does the DirecTV thing. That was me just ripping up my headshot. He does a thing, and it's so funny because you can feel, he's like talking about like, you know, DirecTV has the most has the most genres of movies or whatever he says. So DirecTV has the most genres of music of movies. Is it? It's AT&T. Okay, so it's an AT&T thing, whatever. But he's talking about watching movies and genres of movies.

And he's like, you can watch war movies. And he walks through a war thing. Or you can watch action movies and he walks through a war thing or you can watch action movies and he's walks through a like an action thing and he's like oh you can walk oh you can walk through uh you can walk through or you can watch a lot of different movies and on the romance one he says or you can watch romance and my favorite thing is i know he added this part after the romance thing he says you can watch a lot of romance if you're into that kind of thing. And I know he added it. There's no way because he's the man.

You know what I mean? He's walking through the romantic thing. People are kissing on the beach. And he says, or you can watch romance. And then he says, if you're into that sort of thing. And I love the fact that the AT&T people or whatever it is, DirecTV AT&T, they're like, oh, we don't want you to say that. And he's like, oh, yeah, that's fine, but I'm still going to do it. I'm going to kick your fucking ass.

And they're like, okay. Listen, I'm not romantic. I'm a blockbuster, all right? If you tell me to say watch a romantic movie, that takes my street cred down a few notches i'm gonna kick your fucking ass if you cut it out and they were like since they're all definitely fucking dorks they're like okay well let's just listen to them that's what i fucking thought i don't know if they kick your ass i already got my workout in today i beat up some people already um unlimited hbo can stop come on i just want all the stuff we say want all the stuff what'd you say oh i mean got this the tmt brings you

direct tv internet and wireless all on your terms it's entertaining your way i was trying to read it Didn't really do it too well. Anyway, so Mark Wahlberg does that, and he punches out some robots in the commercial. You know what commercial I'm talking about. I don't know. I don't really know. I always see it on the audience channel or some shit.

I have no idea. There's so many outlets and shit. I feel like Tinder's going to have a fucking streaming service soon like hey i got a fucking show coming out on tinder oh really yep what's it about oh it's about a down and out cop that's just like you know he he disrupts the system because he like punches people out and and and talks and says that and says fuck in court and And you're like, on Tinder? Yeah, I got a fucking new show streaming on Tinder. It's going to be nominated for an Emmy.

It's The Shield. They're doing the prequel to The Shield. I mean, that's a joke. I guarantee some shit like that's going to happen. I want to talk about something, though, that came up the other day to me. I've got a lot of people doing a lot of cool artwork and just fans and shit. You know, babies doing artwork and showing their support in the podcast. This one account, I retweeted it. It's a fan account.

This guy, let me see if I can find it. This guy did, it's called C. D'Elia Photoshop. It's not mine. I didn't do it. But he made this song called Definition of a Cuda. And I was talking about how when I first said, yeah, that's the definition of a Cuda. I said, that's like a Tupac song. Definition of a Cuda and i and i was talking about how when i first said yeah that's the definition of a cuda i said that's like a tupac song definition of a cuda and i was thinking about another song

when he when he says it i forget what song he says i don't know but anyway um i forget what he's the definition of them and now i don't even remember what the real thing is but anyway he, he took a different song. I think it's Troublesome, I think. I don't know. But... No? Oh, whatever it is. I don't know.

I don't fucking know. I should know because I love Tupac. But this Cuda thing is kind of... So this guy tweeted, if Tupac wrote a track for Chris Lea, this would be it. And hashtag definition of a Cuda. I retweeted it.

A lot of you guys heard it already. But I'm going to gonna play it for you so here's the deal with this fucking song i did not write this and this is not me rapping this is a guy that did this and made this and put it to a tupac beat that's already out and it's really it made me laugh so hard because in this song these lyrics this guy's definitely listened to every if you've listened to every podcast so far, you know how intricate this song is. So I'm going to play this song for you now, and then you're going to have a laugh. So here it is, Definition of a Cooter. The definition of a cooter. The definition of a cooter.

Yeah, this one goes out to my family. The definition of a cooter Yeah, this one goes out to my family The definition of a cooter Yeah, you ought to know who's doing the most I'm bumping side to side and coast to coast I had to fly United, but I'm rolling first class This cooter with an attitude is giving a jazz He's like, sir, I need to see your receipt I'm like, who you think you're talking to? I know what I mean, now turn around

So I can put it in your Definition of a cooter, beast mode on Sandcastles all day long Definition of a cooter, thinking nothing's wrong They've been with that Hello Kitty on Definition of a cooter, beast mode on Sandcastles all day long Definition of a cooter, people on sandcastles all day long.

Definition of a cooter, picking up is wrong. They've been with that Hello Kitty on. Girl, you never been with a baby before. Come on and sit down and I'll tell you some more. Damn, he's so fine, let me put a demon in it. I want to make you mine, so why don't you come and get it? When you're shaking your ass, all I think of is cash. And girl, you look good when your back that brings up.

Yo, man's a cuda, a real lame dude. And now do yourself a favor and gong for cuda. The definition of a cuda. The definition of a cuda. The definition of a cuda. I mean, just so fucking funny and intricate. And, dude, you got lots of downtime, huh? But this guy's account is really

funny because he does lots of Photoshop's. Like, he's the one that did the picture of me and United fucking, the United Airplane fucking me. I don't know. And then he did another thing, a country album, crystalia sucking and fucking he photoshopped my head on some bullshit ass fucking outfit like what is that

outfit i mean you know see delia photoshop you know hey man see delah photoshop like ultimate change it but you do not change it listen to me now do not change it because that that's what it is man live your fucking life dude what a baby that guy is though uh and we haven't announced elders but it's shit like that that that's gonna that's gonna you know get get you in fucking daddy or mommy's good graces and i'm either one you want you know uh so so we haven't announced an elder yet but we will be doing that soon um and thinking about uh doing it uh really really really, really, really, really soon. So I don't know, man, whatever. I want to talk to you about a company called NatureBox. Now I like to call it NatureBox because I pretend that those N's are M's because that's so yummy. All right. We all want to eat better, but when it

comes to snacks sometimes it feels like the whole world is delicious and a billion calories or this is boring and tasteless now you don't want boring and tasteless but you don't want delicious and billions of calories it doesn't have to be that way nature box has over a hundred snacks that's triple digits amounts of snacks that taste good and are actually better for you. All snacks are made from high quality, simple ingredients, which means no artificial colors, flavors, or sweeteners. So you can feel good about what you're eating. I like the salt and vinegar veggie chips and the Asiago and cheddar cheese crisps. Now, obviously, a British guy named that because he said crisps.

But I like those because I like cheese because cheese makes everything better. But Asiago, change it. You're sure to find your – yeah, don't call your cheese Asiago. It's too many vowels. You're sure to find your new snack obsession at NatureBox. They add new snacks every month inspired by real customer feedback, the latest food trends, and professional chefs. It's real simple. Go to the NatureBox.com, choose the snacks you want, and professional chefs. It's real simple.

Go to naturebox.com, choose the snacks you want, and then they'll deliver them right to your door. There's no risk. You don't like it? Well, don't eat it. They'll replace it for free. Right now, you'll save even more. You're probably like, oh, this is going to cost $14,000, right? No, it doesn't.

Naturebox is offering, congrats, fans, three free snacks with your first order when you go to naturebox.com offering congrats fans three free snacks with your first order when you go to naturebox.com slash congrats that's naturebox.com slash congrats for three free snacks with your first order naturebox.com slash congrats do you guys know blue apron you did because you first turned on the podcast and that's what i talked about in the beginning blue apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the cunch. You understand? In the country.

In this free cunch. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. And take it from me, they did it. Blue Apron has established partnerships in over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranchers across the United States. That means everything's better. Seafood is sourced sustainably. The beef, chicken, and pork come from responsibly raised animals. And the produce is sourced from farms that practice regenerative farming.

Featured upcoming meals. Watch your mouth water. Watch your mouth water. Featuring upcoming meals, watch your mouth water when I say this. Basil pesto chicken with summer vegetable panzanella. Oh, yum. Sauteed shrimp and green beans with globe tomatoes, spinach, and orso pasta. Oh, come on.

Hey, check this one out. Miso butter salmon and lo mein noodles with cucumber and charm tomatoes. You ever had a charm tomato? If you haven't, you don't know what good taste tastes like. Meatball pizza with fresh mozzarella, or as I like to say, mozzarella, cheese, and charmed tomatoes again? How many charmed tomatoes do they have, dude? Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com

slash congrats. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron Sedanway. That's blueapron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Charmed tomatoes, dude.

I'll eat those. Hey, globe tomatoes, really? Just call them circular tomatoes or spherical tomatoes. Globe tomatoes. Oh, yeah? Globe tomatoes? Really? Where can I find South African tomato? Oh yeah, globe tomatoes? Really? Where can I find South Africa on your tomato? Oh, I

can't? It's a tomato then. Square Cash. Everyone is switching to the Cash app. Squitching or switching? Switching. Switching to the Cash app. Do it, dude. Square Cash. It's the best way to pay people

back. Friends, family, co-workers, demons, lizards, a wizard. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast. And most payments can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds. Square Cash is better than the other guys. And it's not a social network. Who wants to have their payments listed in a feed? Not me. Not a cuda.

It's not Facebook. Download the free square cash app for ios and android now all right look guys we're getting lots of work done here okay because my back is sweating like an like it's so insane the back of my chair is a water slide hey dude let me look back and see if there's people waiting in line to get into six flags oh dude hey guys oh man so my producer got up and just left the room because he's hot too one fire him i'll just sit it out hey dude can you get my lacroix my lacroix please my lacroix it's it's out there no it's already out there. It's out there somewhere.

Is it on my... You got it? Cool. Because he went to go open the fridge and want to fire him because I said it's out there already, but he went to go open the fridge, so I want to fire him. Anyway. Thanks, dude. Oh, so I could wipe my back?

Cool. It's gross. Anyway. could wipe my back cool um it's gross anyway um you know it'd be funny if podcasters were so good at podcasting that they got chicks from it you know um but yeah dude i by the way i've been getting so many fucked up um instagram posts of the week people send me them all the time and every time i look at them it's it's just unbelievable uh let me let me let me look up some here well no i guess there's only going to be one so here we go you guys ready this is the most fucked up instagram post of the week uh-oh the most fucked up instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week.

Uh-oh. Gunk. Oh, God. I want to say these people's names so bad, but I can't. I mean, it's just... I don't want to put them on blast. You guys find them anyway. But...

All right. So here's a girl. She's got a bunch of followers. And... Now, She's got a bunch of followers. And now this is what the comment is or the caption is. You want something? Go for it with a savage heart, a courageous mind, a courageous mindset, and a gentle tongue.

mind, oh, a courageous mindset and a gentle tongue, people will see your perseverance, truth and dedication. You don't need to scream it to them. Dude, so besides the fact that when she said gentle tongue, my insides boiled. Besides the fact that I got BRM from her saying gentle tongue. Like I imagine her saying gentle tongue and then being like, but what's another word for gentle? And then like Googled the thesaurus for gentle and then was going through a bunch of words and just thought, you know what? It's probably just best and most simple if I just say gentle. Okay. Also real bad advice. Why do you have to be quiet about it? You don't need to,

you don't need to scream it to them. Okay, cool, man. Also, she didn't say, did she say this? I don't know. I feel like this is a quote by like fucking t.s elliott okay and here's the picture she's dressed like an indian and she's not indian or maybe she is but she's so it's dressed up she's got a machine gun in the picture and a and a chain that's like a Hercules chain and feathers in her hair and then she writes I'm ready for another experiment in savagery this chick kind of just chills out.

You know what I mean? She just kind of chills out. She just kind of goes and eats with her friends. Okay? You know? She probably chills out on a couch. I'm looking through her Instagram. She's a model, I guess.

Here's some of her sipping on an iced latte or something. Here's another selfie of her in a bikini. Experiment in savagery. You know? What is that? If I find, if I ever see her in real life, I'm going to say, hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you mean experiment in savagery?

And where's your fucking feathers and machine gun? I wish she dressed like that in real life. I'm going to look through these hashtags here right now. Congratulations, Pod. Gaming the system. By the way, the guy who created the gaming the system hashtag or wait, no, he didn't

create the hashtag, but he said he was the first guy who said gaming the system. He says too easy to gaming the system hashtag or wait no he didn't create the hashtag but he said he was the first guy who said gaming the system he says too easy to game the system i i forgot i didn't know who he was and then he tweeted me again and he was like hey do you think i should be an elder because i i was the one who first said game the system so funny and also um you know i don't know man okay so uh here are some things here's one dude i don't know, man. Okay. So, uh, here are some things. Here's one, dude. I don't even know people.

It's so funny that the things that you guys think I should weigh in on are like, sometimes to me, like, I don't know why some things irk me and something, but like some of the things you say, like, Hey dude, what do you think about a guy that wears a yellow shirt one day and then a red shirt the next day?

And it's like, yeah, but that doesn't irk me, you know. This one doesn't really bug me. Although I could see how you could think it might. But I'm not even bringing this guy's thing up. This guy's the ultimate change-it of all time. Well, no, actually he doesn't. I still think that other girl was the most.

I forget what it was. But it was a few episodes ago. I can't remember what the fuck it was, but I couldn't believe the change that she had going on. This guy's name is Dookie Spreader. Dookie Spreader, dude. And his profile is... First of all, his face looks so much like a guy that would fucking have a handle called Dookie Spreader. By the way, his name is Dookie Spreader and his fucking thing is Dookie Spreader.

Hey, man, you got problems. You got pros, okay? And this guy, Dookie Spreader, okay? And what are the three icons under the thing, dude? You see those three icons? What even are those oh the frog okay cool all right this is what it says on his thing and lost it want to fire him do the producer uh man just look you know he took it out and lost it so it's all gooded 75 times since he tweeted that. So anyway, he was asking what my thoughts on ankle socks were, which aren't a big deal to me.

I mean, here's the deal. Actually, I do have a thought about ankle socks. I don't think that they're that big of a deal. All right, if you're going to wear ankle socks, you can wear ankle socks. I think you pretty much should only wear them if you got low tops on because why you wearing ankle socks if you got fucking high tops on. But I don't feel that strongly about that. But here's what I do feel strongly about. If you go to someone's house and you take off your shoes and you have ankle socks on, you take those goddamn ankle socks off too.

You never walk around in just ankle socks even if're alone, because that's some fucking serious. You look, you're a bitch, basically. You're a fucking mark-ass bitch alone in your house. You can't be a mark-ass bitch alone in your house. If you're at home, you need to work on being the least mark ass bitch possible because if you're a mark ass bitch at home you're gonna be a mark ass bitch out in the wild do you understand me all right so that's the rule dude take the fucking for sure take the fucking ankle socks uh off if you take your fucking shoes off what else we got um my guess is what this guy nick sanderson at nick swag

at n swagerson oh dude and change it oh wait by the way the dookie spreader guy couldn't look more like a guy whose face that would be like think it's cool to say dookie spreader and also he he's buried in sand and under his face somebody made sandcastle tits hey guy be more you oh you can't cool here's so nick swagerson do you enjoy animated sitcoms at all like south park for example my guess is no lol congratulations I love South Park dude South Park is if you don't like South Park if you think South Park is not funny I can't understand what I what happened in your life to make you think that I used to have a fucking buddy that didn't like South Park um I'm actually not his friend anymore because he's a piece of shit but not because of the South Park thing but just just goes to show you, you don't like South Park, you piece of shit. South Park is the fucking, and how do they keep making stuff that's relevant and so funny?

So fucking funny. Here's another one. Artur Stoffel. I mean, what kind of a name is Artur? Put the H in it. You a name is Artur? Put the H in it. You know, at Artur Stoffel. Oh, hey, man, you forgot the H in your handle and also your name.

Oh, put the H in it, dude. Your name's Arthur? Oh, dude, he meant to say Arthur. Okay, so Arthur Stoffel. It sounds so German to me. Artur Stoffel. Hello, I. Arte Stoffel. Hello, I'm Arte Stoffel. Is everything all good?

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be good? Everything is absolutely fine. Where's the H? I poisoned it. Where's the H in your name? I don't know. I haven't seen it in quite some time. I promise you that.

Maybe it took a sabbatical. Maybe it went somewhere for vacation. Maybe I poisoned it. Versa H. I haven't seen it in quite some time now. And Stoffel makes me think of stove stovetop what was that fucking thing stovetop cooking or whatever oh that shit made me so hungry

when i was a kid made me shungry any thoughts on people who use the phrase story of my life on a regular basis great question here's the deal man if you are some kind of fucking person that says story of my life in jest your ego is out of control you don't have a story about your life okay your life is your life if you say story of my life and you're not huck finn hey um if you don't say if you say story of my life and you're not fucking the main character in their eyes we're watching god by zora neale hurston then you know what don't say but. But also, if you say, yo, that's the fucking story of my life, like exasperated,

and you're like, I'm at a loss, then I think it's okay. Fucking story of my life, man. I can't keep a fucking relationship together. Story of my fucking life. That's okay. But if you're like, oh, the waiter always fucks up my thing.

Story of my life, huh? Hey, you're like oh the waiter always fucks up my thing story of my life huh hey you're not that important zorniel hurston didn't write your life uh here's another one beck to the future is her name and at becky underscore elaine is the actual handle a rare name change it and not a handle change it. Beck to the future? Nah. How many of the stories comedians tell during a set are actually true? Hmm.

Well, since I'm not goddamn Google, I can only guess. But I think most of the shit. It's a good question, actually. I mean, all of my shit is true except you exaggerate it a little bit you know to make it funny like if you're telling a story about a fucking giraffe and you're like and then the giraffe said this you know the giraffe didn't say this shit

you kind of can put it together if it's true or not rarely do people make shit up unless it's like somebody that is obviously doing one liners that is like yeah so I just heard my dad got AIDS, and you know it didn't happen or something, you know? And then he makes a joke about AIDS, and it's a joke,

and it fucking is a misdirection or something. But thanks, Beck to the future. Change it. Dude, I fucking am looking through Twitter. Hey, Lil Pump has a song called Molly, so go out and fucking grab that. Hey, rappers, rap about molly more dude hey rappers you should rap about molly more because nobody's rapping about molly so come out with a song called molly oh this guy did cool it's so bad for kids

oh man um this guy zach werner at z underscore werns since you're from jersey what are your thoughts on the pork roll versus taylor ham issue hey man satalian hey dude can you have a fucking car this guy hey yo chris delia since he from Jersey, what are your thoughts on, you know, the whole pork roll versus Taylor ham issue? Hey, sir, fat cop, you know, to say that on the outside of a fucking. Hey, you have this fucking pork roll. You'd rather have a Taylor ham. Hey, you know what? Give me a Taylor ham.

What the fuck are you talking about? This guy's got pork rolls. Nah, I don't fuck. I don't get those pork rolls. I get those fucking Taylor hams. I used to love Taylor ham when I was a kid, dude. When I was a kid, I used to fucking go get Taylor ham. That shit was so salty and good.

And I'll tell you what, man, I'm real set on my ways. Once I hit that Taylor ham shit, I never got a fucking pork roll. I knew what I liked. Done. Case closed. My hands are tied now. That's it. Case fucking closed. You put something in my mouth and then it tastes delicious. Taylor ham. I'll never fucking look at a pork roll in my, in the eyes. And I'm serious about that too. And I'll go to fucking war for that Taylor ham. And I'll fucking say shit like nah. I don't even say shit like

nah pork rolls fucking suck dick it's because Taylor Ham got to my mouth first pork rolls needs a better fucking PR department and I'll tell you what I don't know about now but back in the 80s pork roll needed a better fucking PR department because Taylor Ham was all in my fucking head I put that shit right inside my pink mouth it's a sexual somehow what the fuck I don't really know what pork roll is oh it's basically god well it looks like Taylor Ham

Taylor Ham is Taylor Ham with the fucking side split and pork roll looks exactly like Taylor fucking Ham I don't know maybe it looks different I don't know maybe I'm not that much from Jersey I'm moving on it's was 12 though, bro. But please, next time, ask a more Italian fucking Jersey question.

Hey, what do you think the difference is between fucking Puerto Ricans and blacks? It's offensive. But it's Italian. Hey, who would you rather not have in your neighborhood? Puerto Ricans or blacks? Fucking.

Oh, it's the same thing? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's saying. Oh, he's saying, what do you call it? Pork roll or Taylor Ham. I call it Taylor Ham. Is that what you're saying? I don't know.

I'm fucking L.A. living, baby. I got my fucking shorts on right now and my shirt off. Well, it is August, so everywhere your shirt should be off. But man, I'm just chilling in LA, baby. Hey, LA, why don't you get this syphilis tsunami billboard out of the fucking way? The stdcheck.org or whatever, the check.org, syphilis tsunami, gross, when I'm driving down the street, I don't want to crash, when I see a fucking syphilis tsunami, it's got a billboard in LA, it says syphilis tsunami, it's about, they want you to get checked for STDs, so you don't spread syphilis, I didn't even know fucking people still got syphilis, I mean, I did,

I didn't even know fucking people still got syphilis. I mean, I did, but I thought that was like a Game of Thrones disease. I don't like quirky STD billboards. Like, feel the burn. Or there's one, get tested and Chill, like for Netflix. Like, come on, dude. I'm sure there's a Got STD one, like the Got Milk. There's got to be one.

Also, there's one that says free. Go back. This is free STD check. I'll give my producer a little bit of attitude right there. Free STD check.org, and it's got one that says chlamydia and then gonorrhea and there are people's faces and they're kissing tinder and grinder which is really probably bad they could sue them hey tinder get on that dude if you're gonna start they're gonna start a streaming service soon dude you don't want to be uh linked with chlamydia here's another one we catch them all like the pokemon shit hey disrespectful for people who are dying from stds disrespectful dude i get sent crazy i just thought this i get sent crazy dms obviously

and crazy messages on all the fucking platforms and for some reason this one made me laugh so much and i don't know if i can describe why but i'm just gonna read it to you i mean i get crazy shit obviously but this and it's a subtle thing it's not really like a crazy in your face thing i mean the foreign ones are the best obviously but i'm not gonna tell you guys name obviously chris i foreign ones are the best, obviously, but I'm not going to tell you guys name. Obviously, Chris, I think you are the top comic that I have seen on Sunset Boulevard. First of all, the way the guy's trying to like butter me up is hilarious. Also, the top comic that he saw on top like on sunset boulevard i'm the top one which is just so funny because to me this guy's trying to butter me up like not like also why

say even say top comic just what do you mean what do you mean you think if you he writes this whole paragraph and doesn't even know that this is me no he obviously knows she's being so cute and so coy about calling me a top comic and buttering me up so already i'm laughing i am a finance guy and do seminars and would love to start using humor in my presentations okay we're killing me all right one of the things I really like about your style is that you really seem to be enjoying what you're doing on stage. You build great characters. And then he mentioned some of them and your emotion on stage is contagious. When you laugh, I laugh. Okay. Well, that's comedy. Any suggestions for me?

This is where it gets good. I realize actually reading into it seems like fucking just compliments to me. And I'm like, now he seems like I'm fucking just jerking off on this podcast. But this is the good part. Any suggestions for me on how to do a little of what you do? Where do I begin? I am taking an acting class at UCLA. I am taking an acting class at UCLA, and the teacher says that I am like Jason Bateman.

A good straight man. I wish I could show you this. Guys, picture. Looks nothing like Jason Bateman. Looks like the guy you'd think this guy would look like. I think, okay, all right. I am taking an acting class at UCLA and the teacher says I am like Jason Bateman. A good straight man i think he might be saying politely that i don't have much

that i don't have much emotional range and i am too much in my head like jumping to conclusions since security is coming out so hard you know his mom used to beat him and say he had no emotional range and it's too much in his head and now it's coming out. I think he might be saying politely that I don't have. Like why? Jason Bateman is a great actor. And why do you think, hey, you're like Jason Bateman. Why does that make you think, oh, you mean I'm too much in my head? Any suggestions on how to begin and grow my comedic range would be appreciated?

It's a question mark. Best wishes, and then his name. Dude, this is so something that what I would think a finance guy would think about comedy. Like I know obviously all of you finance guys out there don't think about comedy that way but this is so as a basic to be like oh hey humor is something i'd like to use like it's a fucking cheese grater and then being like how do i acquire that you're not a robot you can't upgrade your system.

And then he's like, he's an acting class in UCLA because he gives seminars. Oh, that's really cute, man. That's really cute. Guess if this guy's white or not. Of course he is. Guess if he's beige. Yup. Guess if his hair's beige.

Yup. Oh, I fucking love it. Dude, I was in an Uber the other day, and this fucking killed me too. On the back of the Uber's, on the back of the driver's seat, in my face, so I could read it, it said, oh, God, I'm going to tweet it. Don't forget. It was like a laminate thing that he made. Don't forget to rate five stars, it says. And then it had all these fucking things on this laminate.

Look how busy it is, dude. Look, it's so busy. I just showed it to my producer. He started laughing. It says, thank you for your business. And then it says also, I mean, this thing is literally six inches tall and maybe six inches wide. It's probably four inches tall and six inches wide. Don't forget to rate five stars.

And then it has five stars. Make sure you have all items before leaving. Thank you for your business. Then it says tips are not required but are greatly appreciated. Then it has a hand with money in it. Then next to that it says tips are not required but are greatly appreciated. Then it has a hand with money in it. Then next to that it says charger available. And under that it has an icon of a battery charging. And then it says next to that seatbelts please.

And then under that it has the seatbelt sign. And then this is my favorite part. If you need anything, just let me know. Could have wrapped that whole thing up with just a laminate that says, if you need anything, just let me know. I mean, I got to tweet this, dude. I mean, so much business on this fucking laminate. And then, of course, he had one on the other side. It was like when I walked in and I went, ah.

I sat down and looked at it and I went, ah, out loud because I couldn't help myself. I wish other people were in my Uber with me. I would have fucking spent the whole time on the ride pointing to it with my mouth open looking at the guy I was with. Ah. And I would have kept going, ah, as we're driving to the hotel. Ah. And then I would have said other tips are not acquired ah but greatly appreciated ah

you want the kinkos to make it dude if you need anything let me know oh like i would don't forget to rate five stars it is really cute the guy was really cute too man god it made me laugh i watched the fucking amanda knox i watched the fucking amanda knox thing on um on uh netflix i'm halfway through it i was watching it on the flight because i downloaded it on netflix so i could watch it on so I didn't have to fucking – you can get high streaming services by the way on – you can get high streaming – you can now pay extra on a plane on Delta to stream stuff. Did you know that? Yeah.

You can fucking do that. It costs $1 million but you can do it. So I just download this shit. But yeah, so that's pretty cool you knew that that's one of those things you know that they could have made it happen fucking years ago but they didn't and now they're just charging them for it and that makes me want to get everybody who works at all the airlines companies in a fucking headlock and give them serious noogies dude that's paulie short giving them noogies um and i was watching the amanda knox documentary finally on netflix i wanted to watch it the fucking reporter who covered the case

hey is that guy real that guy is such a piece i mean such a piece dude he is such a piece he is such a piece dude he's like well i think he's british but he's like you know um you know i would he created a narrative and then got fucking amanda knox in so much trouble because he was such a piece and he was like you know the people who were telling me not to do the story are the same people who are checking on or checking a story every morning when i wake up hey that doesn't make them as bad as you that's like saying i murdered a guy but you're just as bad because you wanted to hear about it gunk hey british guy step back a few step back a little bit oh where where you want me to step just step back a little bit further a few steps back oh Step back a few Step back a little bit Where do you want me to step Just step back a little bit further A few steps back

Yeah just take a few steps back You created that story right You created the narrative that fucking Amanda Knox killed the person Just step back a little bit Yeah that was me Just step back a little bit further Okay that's great Okay cool

Gagunk Gagunk I mean come on Okay, that's great. I think I'm in. Okay, cool. G-gunk. You know, g-gunk. I mean, come on. You bad purse. You piece. It's free conch. That should be illegal. You cuda.

I mean, come on, dude. I just hit you with the fucking combo. I hit you with the congratulations combo. Dude, I hit you with the fucking combo i hit you with the congratulations combo dude i hit you with the fucking congratulations combo excuse me sir yeah i'm also coming step back good gunk you fucking freak cunch should be illegal you coulda don't do what if somebody just turned on the podcast in that moment you'd literally think it was ramblings of fucking Charles Manson. Dude, how about when Charles Manson... Oh, wait, was it Charles Manson, the crazy one?

When they're like, what's your favorite color? And he's like... Red. Oh, man. It's probably relaxing to be that fucking crazy. This is the longest podcast we've ever done. Oh, man, it was so funny. I saw some guy getting so mad, so mad because I was doing ads.

And he was like, yeah, the podcast used to be good. But he's doing ads now. And he's doing ads. And it fucking sucks because, you know, make the podcast longer if you're going to do the ads fuck chris and all of the babies fucking went on it went in on him about like hey you want to work for free yakuta so funny and that is the absolute fucking thing that this cult, bans this cult together. We are sending out elders soon. We need these, all right?

Now, if you're an elder, you have rank over a baby, but you're still a baby. I'm a baby. I'm mommy, but I'm the baby. You understand what I'm saying? It's like the end of the movie when you're like, oh, he was both. I'm telling you that up front. No hidden fees.

There's no surprises. Want you to know. But yeah, that's that um so oh that's it uh you guys got to remember blue apron check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash congrats. And Square Cash, you switched yet? Because it's been like 40 minutes since I told you to. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Upcoming shows. I got some upcoming shows coming up.

And the merchandise announcements get made on Twitter. So be sure to follow there. You can follow my – you can follow me or also CongratulationsPod or it's CongratulationsPod. CongratulationsPod? CongratulationsPod or you can follow the store. CongratsPod is the Twitter. My producer messed that up. So one fire room. But yeah, it's CongratsPod is the Twitter and my computer my producer messed it up so one firearm so but yeah but it's congrats pod is the twitter and the hashtag is congratulations pod and he's still

talking on one farm but um uh my upcoming shows we got some in hollywood california those are sold out salt lake city coming up those are almost sold out uh at wise guys comedy Club. So get on that. A few are sold out already. Phoenix, Arizona. That is a great club. A great club. I'm there one night. And then I'm in Tempe for the weekend.

Tempe is top two, three favorite places to go to and do stand-up. I love it there. New Brunswick, New Jersey. Spokane, Washington. Why am i going charlotte north carolina why adelaide um what is that australia sa i don't even know what the fuck that is adelaide australia um perth i'm going to melbourne i'm going to sydney australia brisbane australia irvine, California, and San Jose, California. And I'm also adding a city in Ohio soon. You guys, those dates are all available on my website except for the Ohio one so far.

But go check out and get the podcast there. Get the podcast there. Get tickets there. And rate and review this podcast, please. Thank you very much. It helps. And if you're a true baby like you're saying you are, it helps if you rate and review. But Man on Fire on Netflix, watch that.

If you haven't watched it, watch it. And if you've watched it and you like it, tell your friends. Tweet it and tell your friends and text your friends to watch it and if you've watched it and you like it tell your friends tweet it and um and uh tell your friends and and and text your friends to watch it and uh some of you guys have viewing parties that's so cool i really appreciate all that stuff watch it next time you're on the plane watch it um i saw i saw a guy today on his ipad flipping through netflix he didn't know i was there or even i don't even know who it was but he's flipping through Netflix. He didn't know I was there or even, I don't even know who I was, but he was flipping through stuff and mine came and he fucking flipped

right on by it. Now, not a cuda, not a cuda. I'm not going to say he's a cuda for that, but definitely not a baby. So,

but yeah, I was like watching it go and I was like, I wonder if he's going to click on that and he flipped it and I was like, no, guess I'm a piece of shit.

And then he started watching Gypsy with Naomi Watts. Eh, not my demo. So anyway, you guys are the best thanks so much for uh for for fucking being with me on this fucking great great great journey and it's just been such a great journey um my producer was just waving air over to his face because it's so hot but but he was doing it like a bitch. Okay, guys, take care.