Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 294. Right Hand Arm Man

Episode Date: January 12, 2023

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia Chris is back with another episode featuring Barbara Walters and one of her best interviews ever, stories from the road, and could we please speed these wars up? 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, welcome to an absolutely legendary episode of Congratulations. Here we are. Beards too long. Beards too. Beard's too long and it's all good. Need to trim it up. Only getting gray on this side, so that's actually kind of BS. Need to get the gray on both sides. And I wouldn't mind getting the gray on the side over here. Be kind of cool, dude. Be like the Doctor Strange of comedy.

Yeah, dude. We're having a good time. We got dates coming up here. We are going to be in Brea. Actually, we're going to be at the Brea Improv, just getting the reps back in because I haven't been on stage for a bit. Portland, Oregon, January 20th. Seattle, Washington, the first one sold out. The second one is January 22nd.

Lakeland, Florida. Daytona Beach, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. Daytona Beach, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida. San Antonio, Sugarland. New Orleans, Providence, Newark, Chicago. Anyway, a bunch of different shows. But we also are announcing Utah. I'm going to be in Salt Lake City.

And there's another one too. Is it somewhere out in Michigan? Somewhere in Michigan? I don't know. Chrislea.com. Milwaukee. There't know. Chrislea.com. Milwaukee. There it is. Chrislea.com.

Tickets are pre-sale or general public at this point. I don't know when you're looking, but there we go. Milwaukee and also Utah. And Salt Lake City. We love performing in Salt Lake City. And we love performing in Milwaukee as well. So go to Chrislea.com, get the tickets. You know what I mean?

We have a good time. It's a little loosey-goosey. We're having a, you know, it's all good, my baby. The boy's sleeping right now. Put him in the crib. Didn't sleep for two hours. Then we were going to go get him, and then he fell asleep. So we're like, okay, guy's just spent.

He's going to get fucking bed sores. He's just going to be in bed so long. But he won't stop picking his scab. All good. Had it for a month. So what do you do? I put a Band-Aid on it, and then he put the Band-Aid on it, and it gets all the adhesion, fucking the chafing and shit.

It's just a big mess. But, oh, whoops. Almost sucked in my tongue down my esophagus that's cool um but we're having a good time here we were in san diego or as my mom would say san diego don't know why she would say it she's an insane person but um we were in san diego doing shows i was doing shows with denny love and Lolo Gonzalez, two really great comedians that are rising stars in comedy. And they were doing the show. They went on before me and we did three shows in San Diego and it was absolutely fucking unbelievable, dude. We love San Diego. We really

turned a leaf over on San Diego because I didn't really love playing in San Diego. And then I realized that it was probably because when you play clubs in San Diego, everyone gets super drunk at clubs. And then also when you play the House of Blues in San Diego, that's a rock venue. So it's a music venue and it absolutely sucks donkey balls when you play it. As a comedian, people are just like fucking sitting at high top tables and just drunk as shit. But San Diego people get drunk as fuck dude it's so san diego to be like this if you're a guy oh that's classic when something's not even classic you know like they're not talking about citizen kane you know what i mean they're just talking about the way a guy eats a cheeseburger or something dude have you seen have you seen josh have you

seen him eat the eat a eat the fucking that the an animal style at In-N-Out? It's classic, dude. Really? Why? Just the way he does it, man. No cap. Okay, cool. Everyone in San Diego has ties to, you know, some sort of, that they were in the military

or the Navy or some shit. It's unbelievable. I don't make the rules, but that's what it is. And every single woman there has a fucking tattoo. So there's nothing. It's single woman there has a fucking tattoo. So there's nothing. It's just there is the classy version of San Diego, too. The classy version of San Diego is basically La Jolla.

And that sucks worse. So but you know what I mean? It's like they think they're holier than thou. But it's all good. But San Diego really came through. And we had such a good time. We did three shows, sold over 3,500 tickets. Whoopsie daisy. All good.

And you know what i mean couldn't keep them sitting in their seats they were standing what am i gonna do dude i gave them fucking hot shit they wanted hot shit i give them hot shit you know priced up my tickets a little bit babies so i had to give them the hot shit and i do do it but he also gets really vulnerable and gets fucking real right because he has to because he does because that's good for him and it's just it's just fucking nice you know you, it's like I go in and I know how to fucking make people laugh. But also I want to fucking, you know, sometimes I just want to sit on the stool. And guess what? It's story time. Yeah, dude. Talk about my inner demons. Talk about the fucking walls down. So come on out and see

his show, dude. The Don't Push Me Tour is absolutely bonkers. We're having such a good time. Check out the vlogs over on the channel, the Chris D the Crystalia channel. We are putting the San Diego one up soon. So you could check it out. But we've been having a really good time. God, my voice is great. It's got a lot of soda in it right now. You know why? Because I haven't been doing standup for two months. So I did three shows. And after the first two shows on the Saturday, my voice was gone, dude. And I started sounding really nice, dude. Just I'm talking really nice. I'm talking like Viggo Mortensen in History of Violence. Nice. Like I had real soda in my voice. Like I'm not Sam Elliott, but I'm Viggo Mortensen in fucking History of Violence. Right. Like just kind of gravelly,

just like someone just kicked rocks up into my mouth and that bounced off my palate and just went down my esophagus. And then it just started kind of speaking and people are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's really, it's going to be that sexy. And I'm just like, guess so. Guess so. I got no control over my own voice. I mean, I can make it do things, but when I'm just relaxed and just chilling, this is what it is. You're welcome for the refreshing drink. There's soda in my voice. So yeah. So that's what happens when you do three shows after not doing them for two months, you start sounding a little bit too much cool. And so I am sounding a little bit too much cool. And you know what I mean, ladies, I'm sorry for

the wetness. I basically should hand out towels at my shows. It's fine. Dude, I thought I was going to fuck it up. I thought thought i was gonna fuck up my show because i haven't done it for two months and i've never not performed for that long except for when i was starting from scratch after that like in 2020 took a break for a year and then i started from scratch but i had an act that was i already already doing and then stopped for two months and then had to basically do the show that I was doing already. And I didn't think about it when I was not working for two months once. Didn't think about it once. once.

Didn't think about it once. Also, it's crazy when you're gone and just immersed in like a therapeutic environment, the shit that you don't think about once. Dude, I was there and I would be like, you know when you're in high school and you leave high

school and you're like, man, these guys, I'll probably know a lot of these guys for a long time and then fucking nine years later you're like, man, these guys, I'll probably know a lot of these guys for a long time. And then fucking nine years later, you're like, oh yeah, Chris Bonino. What the fuck ever happened to that guy? I totally forgot about him. That's what it's like when you're there in a therapeutic environment for, for over a month. You just don't think about people like some of your best friends. And it's like, really like, okay, but also, also, is it,

are they important in your life? So then you're going through this thing and we're just like, well, but yeah, they are, but maybe you're just, you know, dealing with your own shit

and that's fine, dude. You get to take breaks from friendships. I fully believe that you get to take breaks from friendships. I don't even really, I haven't, honestly,

I haven't been wanting to hang out with anyone lately. And that's weird for me, man. I love weirdos and I love fucking being, you know, hanging with people that just, I got no business hanging out with just like weirdos, like, uh, people that, you know, my wife or somebody might be like, who is that guy? And I'm just like, that's my buddy Troy. And he's just like some troglodyte wearing a fucking Vince Carter jersey. You know? With hair on his fucking shoulders.

Dude, Vince Carter jerseys. Vince Carter, bomb harder. Who says that, Jay-Z? Vince Carter, bomb harder. Okay. Dude, that is the most insecure laugh and we all know it and it's all good

and Jay-Z knows it and I know he's probably heard about this because this podcast is world-renowned. Dude, I will not accept that this podcast is not the best podcast going. And I know that everybody understands that everyone has their own opinion. But when it comes to the hard-hitting facts, like when people in San Diego say classic,

and everyone has something to do with the fucking military or Navy, and all the chicks have tattoos, you come to me. And also, I got a little bit of a sweet vulnerable side right so you really you know it's fine but comment below and just hook up the algorithm right hook up the algorithm right um so yeah we're having a good time in life and uh you know last episode was a little bit of a doozy i was talking about how i was in rehab and we got a little bit emotional and you know i'm trying to fucking keep it to silly goose times but i gotta be real don't You know, last episode was a little bit of a doozy. I was talking about how I was in rehab and we got a little bit emotional. And, you know, I'm trying to fucking keep it to Silly Goose times.

But I got to be real, don't I, babies? Oh, he's got to be real, dude. He's got to be real. Why? Because he's got no choice but to fucking let them all down and be real. Oh, God. Dude, is he real? Was he real?

No. Was he real? Occasionally., is he real? Was he real? No. Was he real? Occasionally. But is he real now? Oh, God. He's so real now. And, dude, I can't help it. Great.

If you're a new listener, thank you very much. If you're not a new listener, you listened before, send this to your friend. We hooking it up. We got the new merch at chrislea.com. We're going to do some fall colors, dude. So yeah, I was in San Diego. What did I do in San Diego? Drove down

to San Diego. You got to drive down San Diego on Saturday. It takes two hours. You drive down to San Diego from LA on a Friday or a Thursday, 11 hours. The traffic is absolutely, it's just so shitty, man. It's just so fucking shitty. You know, and I try not to look at my phone when I'm driving because that's unsafe,

but it's also, what are we doing here, traffic? You're being boring as shit. So it's like, I don't watch forensic files on my phone, but I want to, right? So traffic, let's keep moving. I want cars to be all locked into a grid. I also think that cars should, and like, I have some nice cars, but I think that cars should legitimately be just, I don't think people should have their own cars. I think you should just go when you're done at a place, find a car. Like I think cars should be government, like just like put out there by the actual state and you just go and you just don't need keys. You go and you drive home. And then when you're home, you take a car and then you drive to work. And when you're at work, if somebody took your car, you just go get another car in the parking

lot. Everyone would have to have gates in their homes though, you know, because then people would probably steal cars out of your home. There's probably too many homeless people that would be stealing cars. Never mind. Scratch that. But in theory, it's good. And I'm a communist. So I think that that fucking, you know, I think that that's great. I think that everyone should have the most equal amount of money, dude.

I think that it should be about what do you call it? What do you call it? What do you call it? We should be like Russia. Are they communists? I don't know. But we come here to learn. We don't come here to learn. We come here to talk about the hard-hitting issues like pants.

So, yeah, what's going on? I haven't heard about Russia in a long time. They still fighting? The media will do some shit. They'll be hanging out, having a good time, talking about some shit. And then they'll just be like, all right, dude, we'll get back to you when some real big shit happens.

But they're still fighting over there. That's the thing about war. I'll tell you right now. Here's a fucking hot take. War takes too long. It takes too long. It takes too long. Do it better and way quicker. War is like when I have to go to Target with my wife.

You know, because she's like, let's go. I think I'm going to make the executive decision that you're going to come and we're all going to go as a family. And I'm like, all right. You know, I'm like the fucking secretary of state or whatever like i guess if that's really what you want to do mrs president my damn president and then we go to the fucking um i'm like the donald rumsfeld or whatever no he's the fucking who gives a shit i don't know but like i don't know much about the government but you know what i mean i'm trying to paint a picture and then we go and then i'm just like she's like looking at dresses and shit and it's like this is target you look at pots and pans

and maybe like a fucking nose hair clipper but she's like look at this cute little pumpkin thing with the straw on it we should get it for halloween and i'm like it's august 5th but i love it right she's my angel and i want her to angel, and I want her to be happy, and I want her to be happy at the fucking Halloween, dude, and all the holidays. So it's like, okay, and yes, our Christmas tree's still up. It's January 9th. What is it, January 9th? He gets it right on the money, folks,

but he's a mental calendar, too. He's the human calendar. Step right up. Step right up. It's the human calendar. He'll guess what day it is. Or you'll win a stuffed toy. Hello, sir.

Hi, fella. What day is it? January 9th. Oh, it is. Yeah, yeah. So get out of here January 9th. Oh, it is. Yeah, yeah. So get out of here. You don't get a stuffed toy. Like the guess your weight shit.

You know what I mean? Explaining it too much. But yeah, dude, war takes too long, man. It's like Russia versus Ukraine. How are they not winning? Hey, Russia, you're too big. How are you not winning? What's it been, like eight months?

Come on, man. You're not good at war? Like, America, we got all the manpower. When we went to, in, fucking, in, remember how long it took when we were in Iraq, how we not winning, dude, that took what, how long was that war, remember the first day, we were bombing the shit out of all, all of them, and it's like, oh, shit, we're winning, dude, they called it shock and awe. Oh, we're winning. And then it just kept going and going like them fucking rides at target, like the fucking aisles. Just all of a sudden, the soldiers are in the goddamn aisle with the, what's her name? Daisy Fuentes clothing line or

whatever the fuck. And the soldiers are like, how the fuck did we get in here? I didn't even know Daisy Fuentes had a clothing line. other guys like I said she how she makes most her money most people think she was a model mirror no no she has a fucking thing it's also a cold she's really she's really in the fucking get in the trench she does a lot of leggings and mom mom's lover shit yeah so does She does a lot of leggings. And moms, moms love her shit.

Yeah. So does J-Lo. I don't know if you know that. No, I know about J-Lo. Yeah, so Sergeant, hey, Sergeant fucking, Sergeant Swanson, you know about J-Lo? I do, yeah. Oh, they got, he stood up when he was talking about J-Lo. They got him. Oh, you got me. Oh, you just got it. He stood up when he was talking about J-Lo. They got him.

Oh, you got me. Oh, you just got me. Oh, a tip of that just got me, Odell. Let's watch it again. You know how we do it, dude. Let's watch it again. Dude, we're going on YouTube and we're watching it again. Because it's one of the funniest clips online.

It's not even close to the chocolate croissants videos. But holy fucking shit. The samurai. Oh, no. Katana. Katana blade fail. Dude. Katana blade.

Can you see a man stabbing himself? This is the one. 11-01-18-16 is the item number on this one. I'm so into it already. 11-01-18-16. item number on this one. So into it already. 1101-1860 item on this one already. Dude, I can't. 1816 is the item number on this one. And the nice thing about these practice katanas. Oh, oh, that hurt.

Yeah. Oh, that hurt big time. A piece of that just, the tip just got me, Odell. Stabbed him, you know. So chill. Oh, that got me good. That's big time. A piece of that tip just got me, Odell. Stabbed him, you know? So chill. Oh, that got me good. That's so weird. You all right?

A piece of that tip just got me. You all right? Oh, right now. And then look at this dunce. We may need emergency surgery in the studio. If that guy doesn't root for the Chicago Bears, do you understand? I'll soft my arm. So we may need emergency surgery in a studio right now, dude.

King of the Hill. On King of the Hill. I love that video. That's one of my favorite videos, dude. People came up to me in the show in San Diego and they were like, Chocolate Croissants. If you haven't seen the Chocolate Croissants video that I fucking did on my podcast, you got to look at chocolate croissants. Crystalia, Google it or what do you call it?

YouTube it. But yeah, war takes too long and I want it to be quicker. It really should take too long, right? Because people shouldn't know it's coming. I mean, I know we got the defenses and shit, but like when you're America or you're Russia or you're China, how the fuck are you not winning in a day and a half? I don't know. I don't know. Also, you see the shit they have out there.

It's like, so you ever catch the leaked footage of the stuff? It's like, whoa, bro. Like drones that are just like two tons and they go a thousand miles an hour. It's like, you know, I guess, I don't know, maybe it's a money thing. I can't believe Barbara Walters died. I feel bad about that. Sad about Barbara Walters dying. But of course, she was one of those people where you're like, she's not dead yet?

How old was she? 112? How old was Barbara Walters? But, you know, Barbara Walters was cool. Can you tell me what your relationship was? Oh, bro. Yes. This one is unreal.

This was, who was this woman again? This, oh yeah, the Donald, not Donald Rumsfeld, I just said. The fucking guy from the Clippers. Sterling, Donald Sterling. Can you tell me what your... This is Donald Sterling's mistress?

Girlfriend or some shit? Relationship with Donald Sterling is... I'm Mr. Sterling's right hand arm Dude Come on But I'm Mr. Sterling's right hand arm Barbara Walters should have just immediately been like interview over. I have to go.

Right hand arm, dude. I'm nervous she's got cotton mouth, you know? Man. Here we go. I'm Mr. Sterling's right hand arm. Man. Oh, dude. Just talk about shock and awe dude talk about shock and awe i'm mr sterling's right hand arm man nailed it too the way she was mr sterling everything i'm his confidant

i'm mr sterling everything i'm his confidant his best friend okay his silly rabbit his what his silly barbara walters dude when someone the age of barbara walters gives you that real what? You know you are in for it. You're done. You're done. You're in. You're digging. You don't know but you're digging. What?

Man. I'm Mr. Sterling everything. I'm his confidant. Cottonmouth. His best friend. His silly rabbit. His what? His silly rabbit. His silly rabbit?

Yes. Is that what he calls you? No. Shut it down, dude. I'm his silly rabbit. What? His silly rabbit. Is? His silly rabbit? Is that what he calls you?

No. Dude, unreal. I would not expect anything less from a right arm hand man, honestly. What a dunce, dude. How these chicks getting air time? I ain't getting air time, dude. You fucked up Barbara Walters' legacy. Barbara Walters is good as shit.

And now this is something that people have to see after she dies. You're fucking up legacies with how dumb you are. What just, how do you let somebody like this even be on the air right donald uh sterling took all the heat there and this woman is a fucking moron It's all good. These fucking the media is insane. I mean what? Dude, they honestly there should have been a preamble

at that fucking thing. This is actually the weirdest interview I have ever given. I'm glad Jeremy Renner's doing better in all honesty. We thought he wasn't going to make it They crushed his legs, it crushed his lung It crushed his jaw

It broke his orbital bone I mean, this guy was just I mean, if he wasn't Hawkeye, honestly Also, I didn't know Jeremy Renner was 51 That's insane to be run over by a snowman Grandma was run over by a reindeer Oh, I thought it was snowballs Snow, snow, snow, snowplow. What is it? Snow plow?

Whatever it was, dude. Anyway, he got run over by a snow plow, snow truck. I don't know. It was something way too big. That weighs tons. And it's actually supposed to have a mechanism that stops running over you if it's running over

you, but it didn't. So there you go with the fucking Jeremy Renner shits. But he's doing better. That's great. I wrote him and I said, hey, man, you know, because obviously he knows about the podcast because we fucking love him here. But I said, hey, man, sending love and thinking about you, man. But I said, hey, man, sending love and thinking about you, man. Yeah, so it was very sweet. He wrote back. He's a nice guy.

But I'm really happy that he's doing well, dude, because honestly, I'll tell you this much right now. I don't want to live in a world without Jeremy Renner. And I mean that. I mean that. Now, if somebody like Jeremy Renner passed, I would be sad. I would still go about my life and do my thing, but it's not the world I want to live in. How's that? It's not the world I want to live in because he's Hawkeye and he's only 51. Dude, how do you get run over by a snowplow, actually? Aren't they slow? Dude, how do you get run over by a snowplow, actually?

Aren't they slow? Yeah, it's a whole fiasco. Something going on over there. Something going on over there. I'm a conspiracy theorist. You know that, right? You know I'm a conspiracy theorist now, right? They push me way over to the right, and I just fucking, I'm so right, I'm back over to the left.

I go so right. I'm a woke. I'm so fucking right. I'm woke. that's how fucking it's dude i'm a conspiracy theory q what's up q i'm into it now that even especially after it's passe and like it i mean now i'm into it i Q a lot. That's, I mean, it's so much. I want to know that. You know what, dude? I'll tell you what, here's the deal. I don't do interviews on this podcast except for people I love that are in my family that I know very much and also a guy named David Sullivan that's fat. But dude, I will tell you right now, I will interview anyone

on this podcast that's in fucking QAnon. Reach out to me. Let's storm the Capitol again. Let's storm Capitol Records, bro. I'm serious. Let's just storm. Let's just not even, let's be general about it. Let's just go out and just storm. Not even the cap. Like I get it. The Capitol thing didn't really work out for you too well. You know, y'all got arrested. And now that I'm queuing on all good. And I'd say, let's count, let's, let's fucking, uh, storm Capitol records, but probably that's a big, Let's just get out and storm. Let's just storm generally. Let's storm in a vague way.

Just like, we want whatever we want. And we'll keep chanting it. And then we'll decide what we want. We'll do it at parks and on the street. And people will be trying... You know what we'll do? We'll do it outside of movie theaters and premieres. And when people get mad at us, we'll be trying, you know what we'll do? We'll do it outside of movie theaters and premieres. And when people get mad

at us, we'll be like, dude, you can't get mad at us for storming outside of fucking movie premieres when half of them got fucking Jason Momoa and 40 other Jason Momoa's doing the goddamn Haka dance. Every time Jason Momoa's in a movie, he's doing the fucking Haka dance

outside the goddamn thing. Ha! movies doing the fucking haka dance outside the goddamn thing and and and and so i can't be queuing on because of that i mean i i get you know i understand it doesn't make really make it it's not the same thing but like dude it it it is more annoying to do the haka dance outside of a fucking movie premiere when people are just trying to get to their seats and shit, spilling popcorn because they got a guy who's got shoulder for days, put a week on it, wearing a fucking loincloth, moving into him because he's screaming out, ha, ooh, ah. That's more annoying than QAnon. Basically, whatever, I don't even know what culture that is. Hawaiian? New Zealand? I don't know who the, what is it? But Jason Momoa, dude, it's like, Jason

no Noah. You know what I mean? Just for like a fun little play on words. So I'm Q, and I've been Q for a while now. Honestly, uh, it's has started happening in 2020.

The end of it, um, after COVID when they were like, when, when, when honestly, when the, when the people,

when the doctors came back and were like, okay, I guess go outside. Like, huh? Did you fix it? No. Then it was nothing? Then what the fuck were we doing for nine months? Right? So now I'm Q. And honestly,

fuck yeah, dude. So I want to interview Q people here. I'm serious. This is in the congratulation studios. I will interview a QAnon person. So come on over and don't be a bullshit one either, dude. I want the full on Joe Biden sheds his skin when he goes in the ocean QAnon motherfucker. A Christian. You know, like someone who is like, I love everyone though, but you don't. That QAnon guy. Somebody that goes,

8chan? What am I, fucking 20? Fuck 8chan. I want the guy with the new chan. I want the guy on fucking 11chan or whatever the fuck. I want it be in fear during the interview. Because who knows what could happen.

Fuck yeah, dude. I don't even want Trump to be the president. I want a new guy. A new crazy guy. A new guy that's just, you know, who do I want? Fucking, uh, who do I want? Kevin Sorbo. That's who I want. I want Kevin Sorbo to, that dude is so right.

I want to hang the fuck out with Kevin Sorbo and just get on motorcycles and storm. We're cute, huh? I can't hear you. We're on a motorcycle. All good, man. It was so cool when you were in Krull. But I'm just saying we're both Q. I'll text it to you.

Grrrr. Oh, no, he died. Fucking Tom Hanks killed him. That's my favorite Q. That's what I want. The Tom Hanks eats children Q guy. The Tom Hanks eats children, the Joe Bidenack obama go into the ocean to shed their layer of skin q fuck yeah dude um anyway shout out to barbara walters we love, man. And she's dead now. And honestly, man, I've been at this point where it's like, is death that bad? And I'm not talking about, this is not a serious thing here. Yes, I've been suicidal in my life, but I'm not.

And to be dead, would that be so bad it would be bad happening but after that living my life like it's golden living my life like it's golden living my life like it's golden living my life like it's golden i mean dead but not living your life but you know what i mean dead like it's golden but um yeah man uh how dude how many R&B singers are there for real? There's so many, man. Peebo Bryson. Peebo. Imagine being like, excuse me, Mr. Bryson, you could call me Peebo.

No. No, Mr. Bryson. Dude, I met a guy once at a diner and I said, I'm Chris. He said, hey, nice to meet you. I'm seven. And I go, where are the other six? He didn't laugh. But it's all good. Also, one time I was talking to a woman. This was fucking years ago. And I said, oh, really? Where do you work? And she said, beyond the beach. And I said, oh, so like the ocean?

Dude, and she said, no, it's a store. And I was like, I know, dude. How dumb are you? Are you Donald Sterling's right hand arm man silly rabbit i'm his silly rabbit what his silly rabbit does he call you that no oh oh there's only before this moment and after i've met the dumbest creation known to man. Um, I don't want to live in her life. I don't want to live a, you know, Barbara Walter.

She did her thing. How old is she? By the way, did you look her up? 93. It's a good age to go to peace out, right? It's a good age to peace out. You know, you start getting fucking older and shit. And you know what? I'll tell you this. She looked fantastic. She looked fantastic for a long time. She looked fantastic. Um,

uh, you know, you want to go out like Hugh Hefner, right? He had the fucking move, dude. Just the playboy mansion, dude. And then right before Me Too, he just goes, they're doing what now? Yeah, dude. I'm sorry, there's a what? There's a movement for what? Oh, shit. Really? Dearly beloved.

We're gathered here today, a guy that died immediately when he heard about the Me Too movement because obviously he was going to be Me Too'd, Hugh Hefner. He's buried in one of his illustrious robes. Yo, wearing a robe all the time is just too much, right? Pinion. Pinion. Pinion. Pinion. Too much. much right pino pino pino pino too much haha um also hit me up at the discord uh patreon.com slash crystalia you can uh hit me up in the discord and uh let me

know topics because i like to do that pages and available still all good um but that's fine, dude. It's all good. Guess what I did today? Went to the fucking coffee bean. First time coffee bean back from rehab. Because I don't really drink so much coffee anymore, which is crazy, dude.

Because of how I don't drink coffee because of how I didn't drink coffee there. I just drank like a half-calf morning and then that's it. Um, and so I think my anxiety, I don't know if my anxiety is not as good, but like, um, or not as potent, but I'm more chill now, you know? Um, I wonder if that has to do with the not drinking coffee, but we're fucking that up now, aren't we? I had one cup in the morning and then I'm drinking half of this. This is a quad shot over ice. I'm drinking half of it. So that's, I guess, two shots and one cup of coffee.

Not so bad because I used to drink 12 shots every day. And you wonder why you shit your brains out. Dude, after San Diego, the show, on Saturday night, we went to this pizza place in Little Italy. Dude, so funny. One of the dudes in rehab kept on saying, you're going to San Diego, you got to hit Little Italy.

Like that's the fucking funniest thing I've ever heard in my life, you know? One time I heard a guy say, oh, you're going to New York? You know what you got to check out? Central Park, swear to God. Swear to God he said it. And I was just like, oh, well, yeah, but I

don't know, man. But anyway, I went to Little Italy. Didn't even know I was going to Little Italy. Try saying that like that. And went there, got some pizza. And it was, by the way, mayhem. It was mostly like it was a Chris D'Elia book signing. And I felt very fortunate that everyone in there fucking wanted to get pictures and say stuff to me. But I couldn't believe it. Dude, you want to know who Chris D'Elia fans are? They're people who go to pizza places to get slices at fucking 1230 a.m. That's a Chris D'Elia fan.

So when I show up and I want a fucking mushroom pepperoni slice only because they don't have straight pepperoni because i guess that's what popular and now i got to get the mushroom shits in it which is fine i'll you know do it i'll do it i like it i'm gonna you know i'm gonna douse that parmesan cheese on it anyway i'm gonna douse that shit just sprinkle it like it's fucking like tony montana and that fucking on his desk when he's just looking forward with a mountain of coke on it that's me eating a slice of fucking pizza with the parmesan cheese on it i haven't get rid of put the fucking thing up there of course so you know what i'm talking about but yeah dude um you're walking where's your parmesan cheese you know I want Parmesan cheese because I am addicted to Parmesan cheese. Oh yeah. I've got one more question. Do you have Pecorino Romano? No. Oh, that's a big mistake. You

got to have Pecorino Romano. That is actually something that Al Pacino would be. A lot of people like Parmesan cheese, don't they? You know, when I was in Italy, I was roaming around the streets, and I noticed the cheese was a little bit of a different color. I asked a guy, what is that? He told me Pecorino Romano. Well, I tried it. And oh boy.

Ha. I ate that Pecorino Romano. So yeah, so I went in and got pizza and got three slices like I'm going to only eat that. But I felt a little bit of embarrassment getting a little bit more, you know, because everyone else was getting two pieces and it's like, that's bitch shit. And I was with nine people and they all got two slices and some of them got one. And I'm like, that's bitch shit coming from a guy whose motto is a burger is a snack. whose motto is a burger is a snack. Right?

And I would get two pieces, but I'm no bitch. Right? So it's like I got three pieces because I'm no bitch and then sat down and one of the other dudes there that was with us, that was at the show, that was friends with my friends there, does construction and he looked at me and he's like we gonna do another one and i'm like yeah and because the same time we said because we're no bitches so he said well i'll go get it what should i get? A whole pie? And I said, yup.

And he got it. And I ate three more pieces. Pepperoni with pesto on it. And it was so damn good because I doused that Parmesan cheese on it. Oh, yeah. And then went back to the hotel. And then woke up the next morning and then when I'm sitting on the toilet, dude.

And I know it's gross, but dude, we don't shy away from the truth here at this podcast. here at this podcast we know it's gross but we don't shy away from it at this podcast just because it's gross because it's real okay so yeah just and um and it's all good um but you know uh we have a good time and we ate the pizza and then i woke up and then i didn't eat till five because i was so full off that pizza i get a fucking i'm i'm talking about i feel hung over when i eat pizza now of course i've never been hung over but i eat pizza and then i ate a little bit of a greek salad at 5 p.m and then i ate some salmon dude you guys don't give a fuck about this but honestly it's my life and i'm telling you about it get that new Life Rips merch

Crystalia.com we got them fall colors And rock it out dude And rock it the frick out It sure is wild out there I don't know what to fucking do anymore With all these fucking All I want to do is have my family And just live with my family

and then have this next baby and just fucking love them all and just hold them and love them all, you know, and just, just kind of rebuild, man, just like love them and just, you know, I don't even, dude, sometimes I don't even want to do fucking comedy anymore. I don't even want to do standup. I just want to fucking be like, don't know what i would do like maybe i could just be like a fucking inventor or something like just maybe we could like move to like provo and just i could be some kind of inventor like invent something that like holds a book up instead of you having to hold it up to read it or like something that fucking cooks food better than a microwave i don't know just i could be like an idea guy one time i was talking to a

guy that was like how do we get into hollywood he's like i want to be an idea guy and i was just like oh man dude you're gonna be lucky if you fucking live another eight years. You're so backwards. Are you fucking Donald Sterling's right-hand-armed man? Come on, silly rabbit. Who calls you that? No one. Yeah, dude. I used to go down fucking.

Remember when I would tell you I would run the block over on Coldwater and Ventura? By the way, thanks for listening. I love you motherfuckers who support me. I really do. Ventura. By the way, thanks for listening. I love you motherfuckers who support me. I really do. And I was watching the... I used to run that block, but I didn't even realize it. I kind of used to run a block a little bit before that. And I don't know if you knew that because I don't really talk about it because it was a long time ago and I'm very forgetful. But I was like 22, 23 and I lived in Burbank and I would always go to the 7-Eleven, and

Singh would hook me up with whatever I was buying. Singh was the guy who worked there. Obviously, his name was Singh, and obviously, he was in 7-Eleven. And maybe I'm racist, but it doesn't matter. He was Singh, and he was really nice. He's probably dead now. But I used to go there, and then I used to get waters and shit, because I don't drink. I don't know what I would get, honestly.

Why would I go to fucking 7-Eleven? What was I getting nuts? Like who the fuck? Honestly, who goes to 7-Eleven when you can just go to a gas station? So I went to, I would go to Western Bagel, dude. Next to the fucking Savon or whatever it was, the Rite Aid. Holy shit, man. whatever it was the right aid holy shit man and i would go get that fucking egg um sandwich with the with the with the with the bacon on it or something bro and the cheese and the guy would

always hook me up he would always hook me up he'd be like it's all good just take it and he was just an employee there i'm sure he got fired eventually but i'm talking about he would hook me up for months i'll go thanks so much man i'd take it and i'd leave and i'd eat it and And then I realized many years later, like, oh, you wanted to fuck me. Like, that's, I guess what that was. Right. I guess you want to fuck me. And then I had a buddy who would go to like, during our same amount of time, I had a buddy that would go to this donut shop. Dude, this was incredible to me. He would go to this donut shop and he would get a donut and the woman, and he was like, oh, how do you make the donuts? And they went back to the donuts to look and dude, she gave him oral sex in the back of the donut shop, making the donuts. And I was like, that's so gangster, dude. And I was like, was she hot? And he said, no. gangster dude and I was like was she hot and he said no and he kept going back and getting donuts and bjs dude the life dude donuts and bjs maybe for a young man but for me I'm reformed

for me I'm reformed dude I'm a sober boy man that's what dude. I'm a sober boy, man. That's what's up. I'm a sober boy staying faithful, baby. That's what's up. Love my wife. She's my angel. And I didn't like to say she's my angel because I want her to be her own angel and for me to, you know. But she was like, no, I like when you say that. So I'm like, you're going to get no argument from here, baby.

Shout out to happy couples, man. I need couple friends man i was talking to my buddy john dewalt and like you know he's married i'm like dude we gotta hang out we gotta have couple because like um because we gotta do uh we gotta do because like dude you get to an age where you're like i'm 42 and it's like i got i's like, I got another kid coming and it's like, dude, we got to fucking going out when people are like, you want to go out? Like people come up to me after the show, fans, and they're like, what are you doing later? And I'm like, nothing.

Going to be alone and sad. You? Because I got to be alone and sad now. I can't just be fucking, you know. I used to be all in my phone, all distracting myself, trying to get them dopamine hits. You know, I'll watch a little bit of NCIS. I'm not going to lie on whoopsie daisy. If you want to call that a fucking relapse, that's a relapse.

But I love NCIS. I love NCIS New Orleans. You know, and I watch that shit. And I put that on and I put on Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars with a W. Yeah, dude. And I get my dopamine hits that way now and it is what it is

but gotta stay strong for the family baby I do I go back and forth between depression and also feeling good and like trying to move forward and be good and it's different it's tough but it's all good and we have a good time And be good. And it's different. It's tough. But it's all good.

And we have a good time. We have a good time. It's my wife's birthday today. And happy birthday, my wife, my love. I got, she got to chill on the couch and do all that. I went to go get her a coffee. I got a peppermint fucking mocha for her. She slurped that down. She probably took fucking three sips, all good. And she ate four ice cream little bars and she was just having a day, dude. Just chilling, watching season two of White Lotus

triggering. And watching season two of White Lotus, triggering, but watched it without me, by the way. I was gone for two days in San Diego, came back. She was already on episode seven, and I got to see fucking... And so, yeah, so got to watch out by myself i guess now it's white lotus season one is fucking hilarious that guy uh oh dude we gave calvin his last gift we forgot it it was under the tree and we looked at it and he was like can i open this and i was like sure and he goes

that's what he does when he gets excited and And he was opening the gift and he goes like this. He says, oh my God, this is what I wanted from my book. And he would say, cause he pointed at it in the catalog and we got it from him from the catalog. And then he pulled it out and he was like, what is this? And I said, oh, it's a monster weighing station that weighs weight. And you could learn numbers that way. And he says says that is hilarious

and it's just like dude you're having a conversation like an exchange student but it's so adorable man and it was hilarious and mostly because he was making it hilarious open that door it's hot as shit yeah open the door it's hot as shit

it's like we all have fucking wetsuits on it's so hot um but yeah man love that boy love being a dad put a bandaid on him and absolutely wouldn't pick up the shit and uh hopefully that'll be okay uh yeah man we gave him that and he got so fucking excited dude seeing

my son excited is the absolute best it's the absolute best nothing better yeah we love it I guess that's that dude we had a good time so we're gonna be fucking killing it doing another episode we got the patreon episode coming up sign up on

our patreon patreon.com slash crystal yeah we got the patreon ads coming up and oh I'm gonna be in Utah pre-sale. Don't push me. Or maybe it's not pre-sale anymore if you're listening to it because I think it goes live tomorrow and then it'll be out. Yeah, cool. But we got a bunch of different ones coming up.

We got, let's see, we got Brea, California. I added a show just the other day, Sunday. We got Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington. The first one sold out January 22nd. Lakeland, Florida, Daytona Beach, Florida, Jacksonville, Florida, San Antonio, Texas, Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, Providence, Rhode Island, New York, New York, Chicago, Illinois. Look at all these beautiful.

Midland, Minneapolis too, chrislea. Look at all these. Beautiful. Midland. Minneapolis, too. ChrisLeah.com. Love it. And Boise, May 19th, but still even more. A lot of them in Ohio, whatever, but you check it out. You guys, thank you for listening. We love that you support, like, and subscribe. Also, dude, subscribe.

Dude, my buddy hit me up, and he was like, dude, this is fucked up. I actually am subscribed to your channel, and and I looked and they unsubscribed me. I don't know what's going on, but there's like a fucking shadow ban. We're changing the name. It's not going to be super cult anymore because obviously it's been a year and we haven't gained one subscriber. So yeah, subscribe, hit the fucking comments for the algorithm, hook it up, my babe, dude, and send this video to a friend. Say, Hey, you ever heard of congratulations? Fucking take a listen.

That's the fucking, uh, job of the coat, my babies. So, uh, let's have a good time this week. Everybody. I love you and keep your head up. Uh, it's crazy times out there. It's raining all over the city, but, uh, we keeping it real. All right. Bye-bye guys. And thanks. That's the end out there. It's raining all over the city, but we're keeping it real. Alright, bye-bye, guys, and thanks. That's the end of the episode

for YouTube. If you want to catch the raw, uncut version, the one that is uncensored, and it's just bonkers crazy, go on over to patreon.com slash chris d'Elia. You get that extra comment, extra content. There's actually about 20

episodes right now. If you sign up, you can go watch. And it's just six bucks. So go and have fun, guys. Patreon.com slash Chris D'Elia. Thank you very much. ... ...... Thank you.