Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 297. Prepare The Yuks

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

🎟 Catch the uncensored/extended episodes ad/commercial free +1 entire bonus episode per month + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris shares his thoughts on his recent shows in Portland and Seattle. He also has thoughts on Alec Baldwin, Kylie Jenner's baby's name and he reads some AI generated jokes from ChatGPT. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everyone and welcome to a super good productions of Congratulations What up, what up? We painted, you know what? We painted the fingernails black because we were in Seattle and Portland and that's what we do. And we're on our grunge tip, dude. We're on our grunge tip. Sounds like an STD, but we are on our grunge tip.

And we're keeping it real. You know what I mean? I got my water bottle and I'm drinking Arrowhead water. Everyone always makes fun of me for drinking Arrowhead water. They say that it's not good, but I disagree. Cool. I don't have COVID. Well, first of all, let's actually do this.

We appreciate you guys listening. And actually, let's do this. We changed the name of the thing because cult was for sure shadow banned. Let's subscribe. Make sure you're subscribed to the channel on YouTube. Audio is going fine. YouTube, let's make sure you're adding to the algorithm. Drop down a comment.

Subscribe. Hit that bell notification, actually. If you hit the bell notification, it would really help. Because that's what we want to do here at Congratulations. We need to build this log cabin, and we can't build this log cabin if we're not building the cult. So we have to just keep building, honestly. It's all about building. And speaking of building, we are going to be in Lakeland, Florida. We are going to be in Daytona, Florida. Jacksonville is pretty much, I think it's sold out. San Antonio, Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, Providence, Rhode Island, and New York, Chicago, Kansas City, Springfield, Missouri. Chris D'Elia is coming with his Don't Push Me Tour, and that's mine. I'm speaking in third person like I'm Ricky Henderson, but I'm not. I'm Chris D'Elia.

And so go to chrisd'elia.com to get those tickets. We've been having a lot of fun over here on the, on the frigging YouTube channel and also on the other YouTube channel, the Chris Leah YouTube channel. We got that one sip coffee reviews. We dropped, just dropped the San Diego one. We got a, uh, a few fun ones coming up, a Portland one and a Seattle one. We're doing them everywhere we go. Uh, and we're having a good time. Uh, but you know, uh, it's been good, dude.

It's been good. We have been traveling. I went with my family. I went with Denny Love. I went with Lulo Gonzalez, my tour manager, my cameraman, Sam. And we went to Portland, flew in a day early, and got that, you know, it's gray in Portland. It's just always gray in Portland, and it's always gray in Portland, and it's always gray in Seattle. And that's how it's going to be. And I know that they say it's rains a lot in Seattle, but let me tell you something. Actually, it never, it actually,

I don't know. It's like a hacky joke. And I talked about this on my Instagram story. Uh, and just, it, it actually, it has rained every single time I've ever been to Seattle. And that's crazy that there's a place like that. Also, it rains all the time in Vancouver and I'm just like Vancouver's great. Seattle's kind of cool too. Portland, you know, it's got its stuff. It's got to work on some kinks. Apparently it's a lot better now, downtown. You know, downtown wasn't so good back when they were doing the riots and they were talking about how the riots were actually just, you know, one block and it was about for about a day and a half, even though the media made it seem like it was for about eight weeks and it was the whole city that was burning. But, you know,

the media is great. So it's just the media is great and the media doesn't lie. So that's great. So yeah, so that's what's up. And it is gray in Portland and it is gray in Seattle. So to do that, I matched with the gloomy atmosphere with my, you know, because I get in where I fit in, dude. I fit in, dude. That's my thing where I fit in dude, I fit in dude that's my thing is I fit in, I have a deep need for acceptance so, yeah dude super good the home

of Lifeline, the home of the congratulations podcast here, Portland was the number one city where people yell out of their car and go dude, Chris Lee, life rips, I couldn't believe how many people were yelling out of their car. You could see it on the, uh, tour report on Portland. Uh, I told my Sam to keep the shit on guard.

Cause it seemed to be like the place where people just yelled out of their car at your boy. And what can I do? You know? Um, but yeah, man. Um, and, uh, it was great. The Portland show was fantastic. The Seattle show.

Number one was fantastic. Sold out. The second show was fantastic. The Seattle show, number one, was fantastic. Sold out. The second one was absolutely fantastic. Did not get to sell out on that second show, but it's all good because we still sold over 4,000 tickets. It was like 4,200 tickets. So whoopsie daisy, dude. He keeps his seats warm, right? But not for long because they stand up and clap.

So yeah, man. I love doing the road. I love having my family with me, Calvin and Kristen. I mean, she's out to here. She's pregnant. It's all get out. And we're taking the whole family, dude. And Calvin had a little cough, but he's all good.

It was not COVID. We tested him. We gave him a written test, and he passed. We tested him. We gave him a written test, and he passed. But yeah, he's at the point where he just takes the one, a little bit of snot, and then boom, and then boom, and then just wipes it back. So I got him a nice Patagonia shit because we were in, you know what I mean, Portland, and that's where we go. I said, well, I need to get a jacket.

Where can I get the kid's jacket, And where can I get me a jacket? Some guy goes, um, Port, uh, Patagonia or REI. So I go to Patagonia because it was way closer, even though he said they were both the same distance and REI was way further. But I said, okay, we go to Patagonia. I had a little bit of a jacket for him, a little one, like a little jacket. I was like, that's the one 3T

let's get it. And then I was trying jackets on and I couldn't fit in any of them. didn't know what was going on. Then I realized 100% was in the absolute women's section. But they got the good colors. So what could I say, dude? They got the pink, they got the cool turquoise and all that. And I tried to do it and I had to put on the XXL and even still it didn't fit. Then I went over to the men's section, they got more muted colors, but I got a really nice tan one with a maroon pocket. And it fits nice, you know. I get my chapstick in it, dude.

Whenever I go somewhere that's gloomy, I got to hit the chapstick because, you know what I mean? It gets very, very chapped. Dude, this podcast is the number one podcast in the world. It is the most popular podcast in the world. The numbers lie. And we love that you're listening. We need to keep doubling this.

You need to help out here and spread this cult. You need to help out and do the work, man. We're basically Mormon, dude. You know? We're basically Mormon. And you just got to spread the world. We got to get these elders out there. We got to be knocking on door to door.

Have you heard door to door? Have you heard the Chris Lee? Have you heard the congratulations podcast? Yeah, no, I haven't. Okay. Let me, let me sit down and watch it on YouTube. You know what I mean? Um, but yeah, man, um, you know, we had a good time on the road and, uh, let me go to, uh, my uh my notes dude portland is absolutely the woke it's it's woke okay no actually let me just even get the people i saw in portland were like people that were like, hmm, that would be like in one scene or two scenes

of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, like humans, they'd wear like a bandana that had like some Indian design on it or like somebody with green hair and a nose ring or like a woman with a mustache. They were like people that knew Bebop and Rocksteady. That's what the people in Portland look like. People that like went to high school with Bebop and Rocksteady when they were younger. That's what they look like but all grown up now.

Portland is a nice kind of ish city, I guess. And I heard that the last time I went was 2019. We had a good time. I was in that square where all the homeless people were hanging out. And I was like, oh, apparently the homeless got even crazier. And I went and then I looked. This time, barely saw any homeless people. I saw a few homeless people, but I was actually surprised there were more homeless people in Seattle.

Cause I heard from, you know, buddies, Oh man, Portland is actually, you know, that you don't want to go there. And I'm like, I went there and it's fine. And I was there. We stayed at a cool hotel called the Sentinel. And, um, yeah, can you turn me down a little bit? Just a little bit. And I went there and there were, when I first got there and I actually did this on stage, but there was a guy that was like, hey, as soon as I got there, I was walking down the street and he said, first of all, the hotel guy, I said, hey, where's a good place to eat? And he said, you're probably going to want to go to Pearl Square. And I was like, where's that? I said, hey, where's a good place to eat? And he said, you're probably going to want to go to Pearl Square. And I was like, where's that?

I think that's what it's called. I was like, where's that? And he was like, three blocks down that way. You can't miss it. And I said, all I got to do is through it. First of all, when you ask for directions out of a hotel, it is mind-numbing how they do. Because let me tell you, because the people who check in, the people who work at the hotel, they got the desk there and the door is always in front of them. So you walk into the door and you see the people that are checking people in and you walk up.

Okay. So that means that they're right in front of the door. There's like a little bit of an area where people congregate. I guess it would maybe be, you know, the lobby, sometimes the lobby to the right or the door. There's like a little bit of an area where people congregate. I guess it would maybe be, you know, the lobby, sometimes the lobby to the right or the left, but the, the, the, the, the actual desk where the bell fucking people are, you know what I'm talking about? The people that live that, that work there, they say they're there. Okay. So they're always there. So then I go up into my room. I come down. I always say, Oh, hi, I remember when I checked in. Okay. I checked in. Okay. Yeah, you remember? Okay. Remember when we, oh, you're a new person. I didn't see you yesterday, but hi, I'm here. I don't know if they told you, but I'm one of the people that

live here right now for a few days. I go, oh, okay. I always go down. And every time I say to somebody that works at a hotel, what do you call them? The fucking checking in people? Concierge. Hotel, what do you call them? The fucking checking in people? Concierge. Because I'm French. Because we're all French, you know? Change it, right?

Just have it clerk. So I talk to the clerk and I'm like, hey, every time, every hotel I ever go to, hey, where's like the coolest kind of coffee shop or the coolest lunch place? They start by saying, all right, now you go out of the hotel and you take a left or you go out here, you take a left. That's what they say. They go out here, you take a left, go out here, take a right. Sometimes the hotel is on a corner or on a corner-ish area. So you don't know what door they're referring to. And they say, take a right, take a left. And you think, wait, do you mean as soon as I step out of the hotel, I take a right? Or I start walking because you're already doing the hand motion

like this so that I'm walking that way. And then I take a right from your hand motion. That's always what happens. So I say, and I slow it down to him, I say, excuse me, excuse me, clerk, so when I step out of the hotel, I'm outside of the hotel, turn right, and that's the right you're talking about, that's what I do, and now, am I annoying, yes, is it okay, yes, why, because the customer's always right, I don't really believe in that, but in this case, when I'm the customer, yes, so they say, take a right, and then they say they say three blocks or four they're always like you know it's three four blocks and you get to the square area and it's a this time he was like dude you'll know when you get to the pearl center area because everything changes that's what he

said all the shops and everything it changes you'll feel it he said walked one block didn't change yet walk two blocks said. Walked one block, didn't change yet. Walked two blocks, didn't change yet. Walked three blocks, didn't change yet. Walked four, five, six, seven. I walked eight blocks, didn't change yet. Walked nine blocks. I'm looking at my cameraman, Sam, who's also my friend.

I'm like, yo, bro, do you think that we went too far? Because it didn't feel like a change. Remember how we said it felt like it changed? And he said, yeah, I do remember that. But this all looks the same to me. I said, let's go one more block. Dude, I went 11 blocks. Finally, we got the pro suit. Why did he say it was three? Dude, he said it and I don't understand why people don't just say the right. You work there, dude. I'm lost. If you don't give me

specific instructions, guess what? I'm just kind of one of these homeless people over here in Portland now. I don't have a home. I don't know where I am. Okay. And I'm, I'm straggly, right? I went like six blocks. The first person I saw in Portland had long green hair and it was a dude. I don't know. You know, I don't know. I don't know. And he looks at me and says, well, you know, he had a mustache. So I assumed it was a dude, but that's probably, you know, remember in the eighties, if somebody had a mustache, dude, straight up now, all that sort of, you have a full beard and, you know, a large

hose, you know, I don't want to get demonetized, but a large hose and, and just be like, Hey, I'm a mom, you know? And you're like, oh. So, you know, that's fine with me. I don't give a, I don't care. So he says, hey, want to fight for abortion rights? And I'm just like, now? I just got off of the plane and I'm looking for a coffee shop. By the way, now I can't even ask you where Pearl, I was going to ask you where the Pearl area is, Pearl Center, but like I can't because like I don't want to talk to you because now you're trying to get me to do duty.

And now I have a duty to do. And I said, you know what? I'm right there on your side, bud, but no, I can't, dude. I can't. And I kept walking. He wanted me to sign something, but it wasn't just that. They say, we're trying to get signatures, but they're not just trying to get signatures, right? They're not. And then we'll get your email and then we'll send you. And then if you can't, and then I'm just,

you lied, right? So we lied. Okay. I hope for the best. And you took advantage of that. And I, by the way, I still don't know where Pearl said that Pearl, Pearl square is. That's what it was. And so, just, you can't, I don't understand the signatures thing, by the way. Yeah, we have a petition. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, we have a petition, and we're getting a bunch of signatures, and then we're going to give it to somebody,

and then they're going to maybe change what the fuck's going on. And you're like, oh, okay. So, how many people got to sign it? Well, we're trying to get 10,000 signatures. Oh, wow, that's a lot of signatures. So does that mean that if you get 10,000 signatures, they'll reverse it? No, well, no, but that's our goal. Oh, well, why is it your goal?

Well, because that's a lot of signatures. Oh, okay. So according to who? Us, pretty much the people signing everything. Oh, so the people who are doing the signatures think that 10,000 signatures is enough signatures to help change people who, by the way, don't want to sign it to change their minds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if you're deciding the number, why not make it 55?

It's less work. so we want 10 000 signatures and then we think that we'll probably be able to push push these issues to the people who absolutely don't believe what we believe but we sign this is the most liberal way to fight for something sign get more we need more signatures we need to fight with signatures. In the meantime, conservatives are fighting for things by actual fighting. By actual, you know what I mean? With actual fighting. Right? So, you do the math.

How many signatures do you need? You know how many signatures you need to change something in America? Over 200,000. Do you know why? That's the majority of America. And then we'll start talking. Okay? Let's start talking after you have 210,000 signatures.

Okay? You got 10,000. okay you got 10 that's nothing dude you got 5,000 that's nothing dude you're like the people on twitter they don't nobody gives a shit nobody reads this shit nobody cares there's 0.04 percent of the of the there's like what nine percent people in america are on twitter and 0.04 do the 90 of the tweets or some shit oh he's got stats dude frank thomas's slugging percentage in 1996 was over 400 oh he's got stats dude he's got stats dude holy shit he's got stats turn me down a little bit it's still a little bit hot that's my own fault I thought it was good but a little bit yeah a little bit there we go

he's got stats dude twitter equals nothing dude by the way Oregon is hilarious they put out a fucking article they were like protests are protesters are ready for D'Elia. Dude, they go, protesters are ready for D'Elia, dude. They wrote an article about it.

So I'm like, oh shit. Okay, I guess I'm still relevant. If people are this mad, hey, I did the show. Two people showed up. Two! Two people showed up. Hey, media. Shoot, dude.

The two people showed up and they disguised their faces. Shoot, dude. up and they disguise their faces. I'm showing myself on stage and so are 2800 deliverers. Show went fucking gangbusters, dude. We love it, dude. Don't push me. You're trying to push, dude.

You trying to push. So here we go. Two right wings, dude. You got a motherfucker flying around in a circle, dude. What am I supposed to do? Quit my job? No, dude. Not if 2,800 people

are going to show up. So anyway, dude, it's like between the abortion rights. By the way, dude, I'm all for it, man. Do whatever you want to do. Do I want to... You know what?

Yeah, yeah. How about this? Next guy who asks me, I will sign it because I don't even. Here. There you go. Godspeed. I hope you fucking help now even.

I hope there's so many abortions. Just even. I hope everyone's just nutting inside. And just. I hope. Well, people are so happy with just. You know what? Get rid of condoms.

Here. I want no condoms sign can we get signatures for no condoms all the dudes yeah oh yeah no dude i'm into it spreading gonzo that's what we're doing we're spreading gonzo what's gonzo gonzo gonorrhea spread it you want to spread it yeah we go raw that's what we do we nut up in all right cool but hello parliament i got actually i got,000 signatures it took me 4 days it was very quick you gotta be honest it was all the men that signed it and then also

some sluts so anyway parliament thank you very much you guys don't wear those wigs anymore huh I'll talk to you so let me know when the thing happens so that's what's up dude So Portland

And when they're just like you know what I mean Stay weird or whatever they do And all those fucking Keep it real I went to this fucking Powell bookstore The biggest bookstore of all time Couldn't even believe it they had levels dude There were levels to this shit Like it was a fucking Meek Mill song

Is that him? No clue But dude they had so many levels levels to this shit like it was a fucking Meek Mill song. Is that him? No clue. But dude, they had so many levels and then they had so many books and then they had a children's section, which I went to with Calvin because he loves books. And guess what? We went to go do. We looked at all the books. We read some books. I got him a dino robot. And then there was a book called Good Night Racism for Kids, dude. And I want, there you go, dude. And guess what I did? I bought it for him because I don't want my son to believe in racism.

I want him to know it's out there, but I want him to try and, he needs a lot of signatures. He wanted him to, I want him to grow up to get so many signatures against racism. Hey, we're stopping racism. Do you mind signing this? That's what I want my son to be doing, you know, in a, in a, in a woke area with a different color hair, you know what I mean? And a premature mustache, whatever it is. And then it, and then so I read it, I bought him Good Night Racism, read it, read it to him. The message is good. It was kind of like one of those books that was getting a, you know, it was like this won a prize and it was like, but is it really or is it just kind of what it's? Yeah, we know what's going on here, right?

Okay. By the way, no children's book should win prizes. You know, I'm talking about. I'm just saying, yeah, I get good children's books are great and they shape the culture. But also, though, dude, is it really? I mean, is it like you know what i mean i could write fucking 300 000 children's books before i could write the client and that that that's not even a like a a well you know it's not even a well i mean it's

good john grisham yeah he he's good i'm still too loud in the headphones i don't know what's going on here i'm sorry is it just something that's going on with my computer? It could be a la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. I keep going la-la-la-la-la-la. Okay, it's that one. So you're doing the wrong one. So there we go. La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Now we got it. He was doing the wrong one. So it's all good. He said he wasn't, but he was. Because when he changed it and I saw his hand do the other one, that was when the volume finally went down. That's the master. Oh, you're saying that that's okay.

So the master went down and it's okay, right? Because it doesn't mean now the whole volume is going to be lower on the YouTubes. Subscribe to it. So yeah, I got him a book called Good Night Racism and then I got him the foot book, which talks about feet. Kind of actually kinky now that I think about it.

And then went to, uh, Seattle. Seattle was just awesome and awesome and gangbusters, dude. We had such a good time, dude. I love, I love the people who come to my show, dude. I am, I've fallen in love with stand up all over. I've fallen in love with stand up all over again. When I came back, it was a struggle. Had to go on stage because I couldn't bitch out, had to show Calvin what you were supposed to do in life when you get knocked down. Did it was a struggle for months. Now I love again dude i love stand up again okay i love it and i love you for coming to the show and i love you when we do meet and greets and to be honest

i used to hate doing meet and greets and i don't hate it anymore people are fucking nice usually one i do like a hundred meet and greets each show. I sell a different ticket for the meet and greet one or two of the people out of the hundred people smell very bad. And that means 98 of you smell good. And that's great. And some people are too loud. And some people are laughing in my face about things that aren't really that funny, but they're just geeked out because they're meeting me and whatever. And I'm grateful for it. You know, I realize the longer I talk about this, the more not grateful I sound. But I'm very grateful for it. It's very beautiful.

I like meeting everybody, man. Like, you guys make me emotional, man. You really do. You make me emotional. So, Seattle, we did the shows. Two shows. Denny and Lulu. Killing.

Brought them along. Fortunate to have them to open for me and uh you know check out those tour reports on the crystalia official channel um i don't know what to uh i don't know what to i don't know what to tell you you know we went to fucking walked around in seattle in seattle i took my son kristin was too pregnant so she stayed in the hotel And we went I took my son to the Pike's Pier or whatever the heck it's called in Seattle

And uh Just people were The guys behind the fish market were like Yo Chris come here I'm like oh what's up dude I love when dudes with rubber aprons know who I am You know Just makes me feel extra good

I'd rather people with rubber aprons know who I am than, you know what I mean? Uh, Benedict Cumberbund. And, um, and so he's, so they're like, come here, Chris. I'm like, what's up? And he was like, what's up little man to Calvin. I said, what's up dude. And he starts moving the fish. They got that, that thing that pokes out. They, it's a trick. They have a guy behind the thing and they poke this like stingray that comes popping out. And Calvin got a little bit scared. And I was like, look at that fish. What is he crazy? And he was like, yes. And then they were like, what's up, little man? And then we saw fucking crabs, dude. My son loves crabs.

He loves the crab raves on YouTube and shit. Rick goes And crabs are just. And then they have like all different versions of it. They have like, like paw patrols, faces on crabs. And it's just like. And my nanny will just play it four hours for Calvin. And I'm upstairs trying to take a fucking nap.

And it's just the cat. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. Oh, it's a cow one. Oh, it's the fighter jet one.

There's like, you name it. Dude, by the way, the kids videos that they have, they have so many different versions. It's like, if you can think of it, it exists They say that about porn, but it's actually true about these fucking crab rave videos If you can think of it, it exists So he saw crabs And it was like eye level with him Because they were in the ice, all dead

I don't know if he knows what they were you know all dead and my son said is that crabs and i said yeah and he said do they have pinchos and i said yep and he says do they come out and i said we can't take them out because they're there so people could buy them and then eat them and he goes oh and he just stood there and stared at the crabs, dude. And it was so cute. And before I knew it, they started hawking the fishes. They started throwing the fishes, dude. You know how they do it? You've seen them do that where the, where they do, they throw the fish and they catch it and they go, Hey, Oh, Hey, like the most idiotic tradition. Like don't do, Oh, hey, like the most idiotic tradition.

Like don't do, don't throw food. And also on top of that, don't throw smelly food. And also on top of that, don't throw smelling dead, smelly dead food. Fucked it up. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Probably would have got a laugh if I didn't fuck it up. But it's all good. We're just in our cars.

We're chill. We're having a good time. You're in your cubicle listening to me. You're at home doing some cleaning chores work or whatever this is not like it's on stage when you go on stage and you see me on stage you get an act that is absolutely rip-roaring and thought about but when you're doing this podcast a lot of people say oh i like his podcast i don't like a stand-up oh i like a stand-up i like his podcast it's different dude you got to know the media you're doing okay so anyway dude um so yeah we went to the pikes place then we went to the gum wall

which there's a gum wall you know i don't like you know what i don't like any kind of wall that's not just a wall and then that's it you know like you go to places and it's like oh well the lovers here put the locks on the chain link fence and now and you're like oh so you do it with your lover yeah it symbolizes dude i don't want my walls symbolizing nothing dude i want my walls to be walls chain link fence to be chain links fence if i love someone that shit's for me dude but people are like oh yeah the gum was like some assholes put a who's who's the biggest asshole out of the thing there's a whole gum wall under the pike's place thing and just i mean the amount of gum that's on there it's just like hundreds of thousands of

pieces of gum and it's disgusting right you're googling it look at it it's disgusting right it's so gross right some of them are hanging down like it's been chewed it's just and it's disgusting, right? You're Googling it, look at it, it's disgusting, right? It's so gross, right? Some of them are hanging down, like it's been chewed. It's just disgusting. It's the kind of thing that if you even get like this far away from you, you're like, I gotta take a shower, you know? And so it's a gum wall. And like, I'm trying to think of like,

cause there's like the, the asshole, let's, you know, cuda, the cuda effect, right? Like the first guy puts his gum on the wall. That guy's just kind of a ne'er-do-well, right? He's a guy that doesn't want to wait to find a trash can. Maybe he's got the world on his shoulders and he's got a chip, right? Cause he's like, you know what? The world never treated me well. Why the fuck should I throw this gum away? Fuck it. Boom. He doesn't think of it consciously, but he thinks of it subconsciously, right? He's got the piece of gum and he's like, fuck it. There on the wall i don't care about that wall like i don't care

about anyone who's gonna look at it right i'm just mr uncaring and then there's the guy that's worse than that guy that's like you know what i'm gonna put this on the wall because fuck the world right the first guy is like i don't really care I don't think about it consciously. I'm in my subconscious shit. But the worst guy is like, hey, this gum goes on the wall. Like he laughs like that, right? Fuck this, man. I like that it looks bad. Okay. So I don't know who the first guy was to put the gum on the wall. It was either that guy or that guy. But after that, the second guy is just kind of a follower. So you got the first piece of gum there. Then you got the second gum and the second guy that comes up and he's like, oh, that

guy did a fuck it. I'll just do it. Like you're the guy who wouldn't actually stab someone in the neck, but you would push a button to where a light would light up next to a guy with a knife. And then that was the thing that would make him be like, okay, cool. They told me when it lights up i stabbed the guy in the neck so bam and you knew full well that pressing the button was going to make the guy do it you understand so that's the second guy who puts the fucking gum on the wall

and then the third guy he's more of a follower too because now it's not even unique to one person it's unique to two people which makes it the same so the third guy's like dude i'm not even just following one guy i'm following two but then it becomes a thing where it's like oh shit there's the guy that realizes hold on you know what this could be a gum wall that guy's the worst guy that guy's the worst guy because That guy's the worst guy. Because now he knows that he's mobilizing the wall into an eyesore. And tricking motherfuckers,

like families walk down there, oh, wow, look, and now I've got to go show Calvin, look, this is gross, but isn't it funny? And I don't even think it's funny. A lot of problems in this world dude and that's one of them and then i went to uh that place ghost coffee ghost ghost alley coffee or something is very

good actually it's very very good i did on the one sip um so yeah seattle was banging seattle was you know i thought the second show wasn't going to be because it wasn't going to be enough people there, but holy shit, it was 1600 people. So, okay. So check that extra paper, scoop that up. Right. Um, and Calvin came to the show and it was awesome with my wife and it was fucking great. I'm great.

Right. Um, where'd you put this thing by the way on the thing in bold. Wow. On the, on the, on the topics, Google sheet. Got it. Temp. No dude, it's 15% off. I asked him to get it, get it. I asked him to get it more, Pure Spectrum CBD, I use it every day. It keeps me calm, dude. If you're a CBD user, great. If you're not a CBD user and you have anxiety and you have some sort of thing that like, I also, you know what? I've been noticing that, and I don't know if this is a health thing or what, but my heart starts beating faster sometimes. It could just be an anxiety thing. CBD nips that in the bud, dude. And my favorite one is pure, uh, pure spectrum. I love it. And,

uh, I got them to give you guys 15% off. So you can go to the pure spectrum CBD, uh, uh, website, which is, uh, check out, you check out a pure spectrum, cbd.com type in the code congrats, and you will get 15% off of all your CBD needs. It's great, dude. Um, I really love it. I get, I have the gummies and I also have the dropper that I use every day. I'll put a drop behind my tongue and I just let it kind of chill for a little bit for about 30 seconds. I just let it have a good time. You know what I'd let it do? I let it just like kind of journey around the bottom of my tongue, go to the back of my cheek and just roll back. It's like it's window shopping. Right. And then all of a sudden I just, I either let it dissipate or I take a huge swallow

and then, oh, what do you know? After doing it for about a week, your boy feels a little bit more calm and receptive. So that's fine. I have a better mood all year round because of this CBD stuff. So go check it out. 15% off the congratulations podcast listeners get it that's pure spectrum cbd.com uh code congrats it's a wild world that we live in huh i'll tell you it's a wild world that we live in when i heard that alec baldwin is going to be charged with manslaughter dude dude some da wants blood or what some Some DA does not like the woke. See, here's the thing, dude. If you are a liberal, I don't know if Alec Baldwin is a liberal or not.

I have no fucking idea, dude. I don't know. As a matter of fact, if I started to know, I would turn around and not pay attention. Now, I like Alec Baldwin, and I'm talking about I like him as a person. I've met him a few times. I've done his show a few times. He's always been cool to me. I like Alec Baldwin. I'll go one further. I like Hilaria Baldwin, partly because her name is almost the word hilarious, and that's in my line of profession. But I like both of them,

dude. I like how her name is almost hilarious, and his name is almost Alex, all right? They're both not names, but I like them, and I like that family. I like he's got 40 kids. That's great, dude. He's about to pop out some more. Here's the deal, man. If you're a liberal, I think it's a little bit weird. I don't think it's awful. I think it's a little bit weird. If you're a liberal and you tote no guns, and then you do movies where everybody's shooting everybody up, right? You don't know if I'm a Republican. You don't know if I'm a liberal. You think know if i'm a liberal you think i'm a centrist you see me popping guns in a movie go like this okay i guess it makes sense you know he gets black lives matter yes but also he gets into business a little bit the lady has a six

million dollar house why she need that why she need that so it's like all right oh dude there's still fucking peanut butter on my shirt i thought i washed it gross i'm a dad so um so he gets so he so he you know if you look if you live under a rock if you don't know what the hell happened alec baldwin had a prop gun where he had to shoot it in front of the into the camera pop the camera boom there was a bullet in it and then killed the camera lady uh horrible sad terrible just so bad uh all around you're supposed to have somebody check this hand the gun to the actor. The actor is supposed to be like, great, I trust you with this. These are blanks. Boom.

And that's supposed to be, you know, all's well that ends well. But no, all's well that didn't ends well. There was a bullet in there, I guess, the fucking person got the job that was the AD because of nepotism or whatever it is. But everyone gets jobs because of nepotism anyway, you know.

Because it's all who you know, right? Especially in Hollywood. So now he's getting charged with it. It's like a year later, right? Because he killed this woman. And if I were him, holy shit, man. I guess negligence manslaughter like he's going to be in the same category as somebody who drove drunk and ran somebody over that's not fair though to me because um hello

he didn't do that he trusted someone is the other person going to get fucked? I don't know. I mean, they're definitely out of a job, but it's like, it's just horrible. And it also makes it worse for the family involved. I feel like, I mean, I'm not involved, but I don't know, man.

It's all sad. I just couldn't believe it. He's never going to go to jail, obviously. He's got a lot of, what's that game show he does? What is it? Match game. He's got a lot of, what's that game show he does? What is it? Match game. He's got a lot of match games to shoot. I did it twice.

I did match game maybe three, two or three or four times. I can't remember. I remember when I was in match game, I showed up and they were like, hey, just so you know, they had already shot an episode. And they're like, just so you know, the crowd is really bad. And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, hey, just so you know, they had already shot an episode. And they're like, just so you know, the crowd is really bad. And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, they're like not laughing. They don't really feel it.

You know, they had all these guests on there. They're like, you know, seven actors and actresses. And I was like, oh, that's a bummer. Okay, well, whatever. Let's go out there and try our best. I went out there and lit that bitch on fire dude i mean i was doing straight up stand up and i just start i mean i started just yucks dude i just was absolutely like people thought they weren't going to be laughing

and there i was in the shadows just with the i mean and i and halfway through i'm like they said this was a bad i was like this is the same crowd they said it's the same crowd but we don't know what happened oh i know what happened person who guest starred on alan mcbeal five times You got a comedian to come do cleanup. Prepare the yucks. I mean, I was like, bad crowd, dude. Are you kidding me? And I just start.

People just. Eyes bleeding just just shitting themselves in laughter oh shit dude yo looking back at the guest star looking back at fucking mckay pfeiffer and hey you guys thought this crowd sucked huh well looks like they got another thing coming. Impression. Whatever I did, you know what I mean? And just... Dude, are they sitting higher right now? I can't look at them, dude, because there's smoke coming from the fucking flames of how hard I'm shredding.

And I just want to know if they're sitting higher because they're standing up laughing or if they're sitting higher because they're on mounds of their own shit from laughing too hard you know what I'm talking about dude hey Makai hey Makai and the guy who used to be in the 7-Up commercials, you needed a comic. Dude. So anyway, they go, they saw what I was doing, and they go, the producer comes over,

and he was like, hey, man, keep going. Basically looked at me and said, double it. Basically looked at me and go like this. Hey, we see what you're doing. Put on a jet pack. Try and actually kill these motherfuckers. And I go, say no more. Come back from a commercial break.

I said, I can make him dizzy, dude. He goes, make him dizzy, D'Lea. I go make him dizzy, dude. He goes, make him dizzy, D'Elia. I go, all right, dude. You write down the things on the card. Bro, I was writing down things on the card. I remember one dude, I wrote down a joke, and I was like, in my head, I was like, this isn't even a joke I would do. They said push it. So here we go.

I wrote it down. I don't remember even what the thing was. It was something like grandma's cum, like something just not funny, right? But I was already killing, so I was going to kill no matter what. Dude, when I showed the thing, they go, oh, the crowd loses their mind. They go, cut. The producer comes out. He goes, hey, hey, hey, what was that?

And I was like, what? And he was like, well, we can't use that. And I said, oh, I thought you were just going to bleep it out, man. You said go for it. And he was like, yeah, well, we can. And I go, well, you can't tell. Do you know what I mean? Somebody who came up in the trenches of the comedy store at 1 a.m. in 2011 to go for it even further than I already had the crowd, dude. I was helping people out like Neil deGrasse Tyson. He was getting laughed by proxy.

I'm up there doing billions and billions of billions and billions, and they're laughing, and then he's saying billions, and then they laugh, right? You're getting laughed by proxy. So you want me to push it, and I'm already in the pocket, dude. Here we go with grandma's come and then we got to cut it out and it's okay. Right. So we had to redo it, but you know, it's fine. It's just got real pro I got real problems, I guess. Files done. Um, yeah. So um yeah so kylie jenner named her kid airy airy airy air air which means cock in Arabic.

You know? Check. Hey, you're pregnant for nine months. Check. You know? Hey. Hey, Kylie. You're pregnant for almost ten months.

That's the dirty little secret is that pregnancy is actually almost 10 months check dude hey you named your child cock hey real quick take an afternoon to check check, dude, I mean, the kid's name's cock, remember when fucking that idiot Amy Schumer made the fucking, her kid's name was like, you know, barbells to the face, or whatever the fuck it was, what was it, what was her kid, she had to change his name, it was like ropey jizz to the jaw, whatever the fucking kid's name was, it like i freaking forget what it is she changed it it was supposed to be something that was like it was like hey didn't you check does it say all right but if you said it a certain way how do you spell it schumerumer? Who cares? She's the worst. Child's name change.

Here we go. It was Jean Attell Fisher. It was genital. Hey, say it a few times. Genital, dude. Her fucking, this idiot named her kid Genital. Ropey jizz to the jaw, you know. Wow. Barbells to the face, man.

I mean, so, like, of course, dude. They ultimately changed Gene's middle name to David after. Just totally. And then she was going to give it to Gene Attell because David Attell is her favorite comic and friend or whatever. And then she got accused of ripping off all his fucking jokes or whatever. Well, everyone's a lunatic. Anyway, dude, I'm heated today. But it's all good.

I flew in and I'm all sweaty and I got peanut butter on my shirt. I'm full dad mode. And I love you all, by the way. I love you all, even her. I pray for my enemies. You heard me. I do.

I sit and I pray. I want the best for everyone. I talk a lot of shit. And, you know, people who have, like, you know, been shitty to me, I still talk shit, but I don't, you know, I'll have a meal with you, man. Not that you want it, but I get it. Everyone always thinks that they're doing right.

Even honestly, Hitler was like, I'm doing the right thing. Even though what he did was awful, he still thought what he was doing was right. And we have to understand that because there are no evil people in the world. There are just people that are misguided and wrong. Nobody is out there trying to do harm. I really fully believe that unless it's a heat of the moment thing. Then of course, it's a different story, right? You said what? I'm sorry. You said what? I'm going to hurt you. That's what they do. But yeah. This was a joke that they wrote in the chat? No.

No, what's that? AI. Oh, my God. So chat GPT, the AI, that? AI. Oh my God. So chat GPT, the AI, that's AI. You ask them to write a joke in the style of Crystalia about mortgages. And this was what they wrote. Holy shit. One fire came through.

This is what the AI joke machine, the chat GPT. This is the joke that they did about mortgages in a Crystalia style. You know what's even worse than a mortgage? A mortgage on a haunted house. Because you know they're not just going to take your money, they're going to take your soul too. Oh yeah, they're going to take that soul and they're going to use it to pay for their own mortgage on their own haunted house. It's's never under the cycle of spooky payments how did they even honestly get it that good i mean it's a horrible joke but for a robot that's fucking amazing that's like what can you see the south park where it was uh uh funny bot or

whatever i am funny botbot. What was that? Was that what? Oh, dude, so funny. Awkward. And it just kills everyone. Awkward. You know what's even worse than a mortgage? A mortgage on a haunted house.

Because you know they're not just going to take your money. They are going to take your soul too. Oh, yeah. They are going to take that soul. That's my, yeah, they are going to take that soul. That's my favorite part. They're going to take that soul like it's an Elvis song. They're going to take that soul, and they're going to use it to pay for their own mortgage on their haunted house. It's a never-ending cycle of spooky payments.

Spooky, spooky payments. All right, you just did a joke about pelicans in the style of Crystalia? All right. What's that? In, you just did a joke about pelicans in the style of Crystalia? All right. What's that? Incoming. He did a joke. He put it in the chat, GPT. Write a joke about pelicans in the style of Crystalia.

Here's the joke. You know what's the weirdest thing about pelicans? They can hold more in their beak than in their belly. I mean, they look like they're carrying a whole damn fish market in there. It's like, dude, where do you even store all that fish? Do you have a secret compartment or something? Are you a pelican or a damn clown car wow dude this makes me hate me i would say that one that one dude it gets infinitely better the more you ask do another one wow that's unbelievable i would say that this i'm holy fucking shit am i not that good

do another one. Wow, that is unbelievable how I did it. Also, how good of an actor am I to actually do my flavor on it, even though I didn't write it right. One more. Okay. Yeah, he's on standby here. I mean, this is unreal.

That's unreal. The way, okay. This one I'm going to really do. A joke about cookies in the style of Chris Lee. All right, here we go. I kind of agree with that. That one about the Pelicans was a good point. Oh, God.

Here we go. Hey, you know what's funny about cookies? I like how my jokes start like this. Hey, you know what's funny about cookies? They're like, hey, have a bite of me. I'm delicious. But then you eat the whole damn bag and you're like, oh, God, I made a huge mistake. It's like cookies are the gateway drug to eating the whole damn pantry.

Next thing you know, you're eating butter straight out of the tub, calling it a day. But you know what? I don't regret it. Not one bit. That didn't do that part. But that last part, I don't regret it one bit. Wow, that's the worst joke I've ever heard in my life. That last one was the worst joke I've ever heard in my life.

That second one bang, though. I'm going to use it to my set. Dude, I'm going to do it, and I'm going to see if people know. Thanks. Shout out to chat. It says special. My next special will be special written by Chris D'Elia and chat GPT. That's hilarious.

That Pelican one is awesome. All right. Well, look, man uh i appreciate you guys uh kylie jenner named her son cock and i appreciate you guys look like and subscribe dude hit that algorithm we gotta double it dude we gotta double it we gotta keep doubling it man and you know this cult needs to be growing if you're not growing you're dying i've always said that dude we are super good so uh make sure you're subscribed, actually, because a lot of the people dude, my friends have been hitting me up. They're like, dude, I was subscribed

and now I'm not subscribed anymore. So you know what I mean. We appreciate you guys, and thanks for listening. This podcast is really fun, and it's the best podcast in the world. It's the top podcast in the world. We have to talk about the hard-hitting issues. Go to see chrislea.com to get the

different dates. I'm going to be in Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Chicago, Illinois, Kansas City, Springsfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Utah, Daytona, I'm in Jacksonville this weekend. I think that's sold out. San Antonio, Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, Los Angeles, Providence, Rhode Island, New York, New York,

and a bunch of different spots. Boise, Idaho, Cincinnati, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, Minneapolis Yeah Come see the act, we love you guys Hey guys, that's it for YouTube If you want to catch the full episode The uncut episode, the unedited episode The raw episode

Of Congratulations Go on over to Patreon.com And for $6, not only will you get The full complete episodes of Congratulations going over to patreon.com slash chrystalia. And for six bucks, not only will you get the full complete episodes of Congratulations, but you will also get an extra episode a month. There's like 21 of them there now. You get the backlog of all of them just for six bucks. And you get extra content.

And that's that, dude. So go on over to patreon.com slash chrystalia. Thanks.