Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 308. The Gwyneth Paltrow Trial

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has tales from the road, and thoughts on Gwyneth Paltrow's trial, 6ix9ine getting jumped, and TikTok getting banned in the US. 📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, what's going on? It's a new day, congratulations podcast. Welcome to the new episode of Congargalations. Yo, yo, what's up, man? I can't wait for Minneapolis this weekend. I can't wait for Minneapolis on Saturday. Milwaukee Friday, the day before. And then I gotta take a month off.

I'm taking a month off, I think, until May when I go to Columbus and Cincinnati, Ohio. And I just announced dates in Pueblo, Colorado. Where is it? Colorado Springs, Colorado. Where is it? And Tucson, Arizona. I've been there once. So go to chrislea.com, get tickets.

I'll be in Salt Lake, be in a bunch of different places and all that shit. The great thing about today is I'm nauseous as shit. So that's awesome. That's just great. That is just fantastic that I'm so nauseous. It's so fantastic I'm so nauseous and it's so fantastic that no matter what for two weeks, my tummy's going to be doing all sorts of things. So that's great. Dude, can't even, I mean, that's just so great. So thank God, dude. It's like winning the lotto, only you have to keep going potty, and also you think maybe you might throw up. So that's great, dude. I mean, I'm so happy about that.

And I got my new sunglasses. They're red, so everybody watch out. I'm going to be looking a little bit spicy, and I do have yellow sweats on, so I was walking around today pretty spicy. And I got red sunglasses on and yellow sweats on, walking around pretty spicy. So it's all good. And I was thinking about, man, a lot of people are like, dude, you're 42 or whatever the, you know, you're 40. What, what are you, what are you trying to do with your, the way you dress? And it's like, you know, yeah. And then I actually was in Austin. I did my shows and I'll get to that.

They were great, but I was leaving, and I ran into James Marsden, who's like the nicest guy in the world, you know? And he was like, hey, Chris. And I was like, oh, what's up, dude? And we shook hands, and then I walk away. And I was like, how you been? He's like, you live in Austin? I'm like, nah, I was just doing a show here.

And maybe he lives in Austin. I have no idea. But I walked away, and I'm like, man, that's not really like, there's a, like, he looks good. He's a handsome dude. He's aged well. And, like, he's a, like, he looks good. He's a handsome dude. He's aged well. And like, he's just dressed well. And I'm like, I dress like I'm in a hoodie and like, and then I'm like, man, I'm 40 something years old. And like, people are like, yo, why are you dressed like that? And

it's like, maybe I just need to start dressing with like button downs and a really nice blazer you know and just a really nice blazer with like nice jeans and those shoes that like you know they're like kind of they're not they're boots i guess but like you just slip them on and then they're like the the kind that like you you like the town is just gentrified and then the people are wearing those boots. And I'm like, man, that's the kind of thing. That's the kind of guy I want to be like, though. That's what James Marsden is like.

He's like the kind of guy you see him and you're like, maybe I got to like buy some sort of like v like like or like a crew neck from you know maybe i should go to like j crew you see that's the kind of guy i gotta be like dude you know it's like we talk about grow or grow or That's what I talk about. That's what I tell on this podcast. And it's like, dude, yeah, but also I just keep flossing with these hoodies. I just keep getting real nice with it. Of course, dude. He keeps adding laces to the shoes because that's what the hypebeasts say.

And, you know, it's not like I've got an over-the-shoulder bag, but, dude, I keep the sweats cuffed. And then when they said go wide at the end, your boy bought ones that were wide at the end. You know, they bunch up real nice over the laces. So it's like, all right. But maybe people see me and they're like, I got to get more hip. I don't know, dude. But all I'm saying is you see James Marsden in the airport and you start to doubt your ways because that dude's got a nice smile, dude.

And he looks in your eyes and it's just like, man. I don't know. I'm impressionable. What can I say, babies? I'm impressionable, but aren't we all in a bit? Maybe we're not all. Maybe we're not all impressionable. But my gosh, dude, was I not at.

If I were to tell you I was not at Jones on 3rd in Studio City eating some broccolini and tuna right before I was just unloading in the toilet, I'd be someone else because that's what happened to me. If you picture me an hour and a half ago just not unloading the Sarlacc pit, you know what I'm talking about? Well, that's the most disgusting way anyone's ever put it but i mean man it was so bad and then i was so bad that i almost i thought i was going to start throwing up yes dude i just was nauseous man and i still am but we fight through it and we do the podcast don't we we fight that we do the podcast because i'm here for you i'm here for you dude and a lot of people but you know i've through it and we do the podcast, don't we? We fight through it. We do the podcast because I'm here for you. I'm here for you, dude. And a lot of people have been, you know,

I've been flirting with maybe ending the podcast or whatever, but not really, but you know what I mean? But I think about it, right? Cause it's like, how long is this podcast going to go? And we need to make this log cabin already. And maybe we'll just make the log cabin and maybe every podcast will be live from now on, just in the log cabin, in the tall grass, you know? on just in the log cabin, in the tall grass, you know, because I guarantee if I had a log cabin and some tall grass, people would move and go there, I know I have enough fans, you know, but it's like, I don't know, maybe I'll just keep it online, keep it virtual, I'm not sure, I thought that the metaverse was going to be a thing for a while, and it's obviously not going to be a thing yet, but it could be. It could be coming up soon.

But I'm happy you're here with me. And we're going to keep doing this podcast. Yes, dude. We're going to keep doing this podcast. We can't stop it. They're going to kill people in Uganda if you're gay, huh? That's pretty crazy. They're going to kill people in Uganda if you're gay.

You die. And that's insane. How about that? And America is up in arms about that. And then people are like, well, we got enough problems. Don't be so up in arms about another country when we know that China and Russia are pretty much on their way to just nuking us. But that's neither here nor there when somebody is in Uganda saying stuff like, you know, don't identify. Look, I think if you're gay, be gay. Be gay-ish. Honestly, be so gay. Like, be so gay to where

you're just dancing everywhere and just roller skating. But in Uganda, you can't even be like I'm gay or you get killed, and that is absolutely unreal. It never stops. You never, the thing, things never stop. You know what I'm talking about? And I know that really be basic, but things absolutely never stop. Like they, they used to kill gays and then, then it was celebrated. And then everyone, you, you know, thought back when the Grecian people used to literally have sex with other guys and think it was manly. They used to think it was like, they're like, if you didn't do it, they're like, you're gay.

You don't, you don't fuck guys? Okay. What are you, a woman? You know what I mean? And like, and like then it became out of fashion and then in fashion. And now Uganda is just like, let's start this over all over again. Let's just start killing. And that's just too much. I think everyone should be totally, totally, totally gay. And a matter of fact, if you don't fuck any guys as a guy in your whole life, I think you personally, I think you need to be stoned.

And here's the deal. I have not done it yet, but I'm only, I'm, uh, you know, 42. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a spring chicken, especially when it comes to gays. Cause dude, you ever see a really old gay guy, that guy's floating. I mean, that's the most gay guy and that's awesome. And I can't wait to be there because if I'm not if i don't if i don't look dude if i don't fuck one guy in my life for real stone like i stone i think i also think it's super gay of uganda to be like hey we're gonna kill you if you're gay because really that's means they're all secretly. If you have a problem with something that has nothing to do with you, you've got some issues with inside of yourself.

Like I used to say this on my first special, I said, if you met your friend and he was always like, dude, fuck Butterfingers, huh? Butterfingers are fucking bullshit. You'd be like, what happened between him and a Butterfinger? You had it in your anus. Pretty much if you've got a problem with someone that has nothing to do with you you had it in your anus pretty much if you've got a problem with someone has nothing to do with you it was in your anus you know what i mean so you got a problem with guys you had guys in your anus um anyway these are the kind of

hard-hitting facts that we talk about here at the congratulations podcast but i just think it's a big uh you know i think it's a i think it's a big issue and we talk about the hard-hitting facts that we talk about here at the congratulations podcast but i just think it's a big uh you know i think it's a i think it's a big issue and we talk about the hard-hitting issues here um i think you know i want to be in a world where it's just fine to be whatever you want and except for pedro pascal because he's just in too much shit the last of us was it that's the you know what's got to be crazy when you're a star like that and you just go like this oh this is the year like Josh Brolin in 2021 or 2020 I think it was or maybe even 19 or 2020, I think it was, or maybe even 19. Yeah, it was 2019, where he's like, oh, this is my year.

I'm in Endgame. I'm in all sorts of shit. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a model. I wrote a book, whatever he did. I have a cooking show, you know? It's like, oh, dude, this is your year and when i have that year for me i'm fucking so many dudes i can't wait to see renovations honestly jeremy renner is coming out with renovations i'm going

to the premiere he invited me dude and it on. I can't wait to do it. There's a Q&A afterwards. I'm going to meet him, and I can't wait, dude. That song by DMX, Ready to Meet Him, that's about me and Jeremy Renner. So, yeah, Uganda. Come on, dude. Get it together, Uganda. Dude, send me over there.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Listen, I think the problem lies within yourself. I didn't even know, by the way, that digital blackface was a thing. I saw this article on CNN. CNN is – I fully believe that it's just trolling at this point. CNN is, I fully believe that it's just trolling at this point. CNN, it is so weird that, look, Fox News is, say what you want about, journalism used to be awesome, right? Journalism used to be great, like in the 80s and shit.

It used to be a blue collar job that people would have. And they would fight for the common man. None of the journalists journalists had degrees and then all of a sudden it became in fashion why because the movies fucking it up dude movies would come out and they were like every third movie was about a journalist just like yeah i'm trying to get to the bottom of this and like a cool guy in like a tweed jacket that was like you know uh sarcastic and smarmy would take down the man. And then people wanted to do that because rich people saw those movies and were like, I want to be a journalist. So they went to school for it.

And now they're in their ivory towers and they don't know shit about what's going on with the common man. They're just like, oh, dude, I want to, you know, I want to talk about these issues that don't matter. And so they're now who's the New York times for who's CNN for it's for fucking woke women who are 50 years old that feel good because they feel guilty. They feel guilty. So they feel guilty so they feel good for fighting for issues about things that don't even really matter and they're subscribing to the new york times is a 10 million dollar subscriber base a year and that's balling for them dude

and cnn they've got the what they so they they say oh you might be here's the thing too The article about digital blackface. They don't know what to fucking. What to know about digital blackface. What is digital blackface and is it wrong when white people use it? How about how if you just put white in the title, people will click it. Digital blackface. Here's how the – so here's what it is.

Digital blackface, even though it's nothing. What it is is they say when you use a GIF or a meme or a picture online and post it in reaction to something and the picture is of a black person overly emotional or sassy, then you're doing what's known as you're committing digital blackface. Okay. Now we all know that that's absolutely nothing because sometimes you just pick a meme and you use it. Now, they were saying if you use the meme where the person is like, ain't nobody got time for that. OK, you know what? I could you could argue that to me and I could be like, all right, I get how if a white person uses that, they might think it's funny because the black person is being super black and sassy you know and what they know to be black and sassy and so they're perpetuating that you know stereotypical

so even though already it's a fine line when you say that because like dude i'm not thinking about that shit if i post a meme which i don't do but like ah and i wouldn't post that ain't nobody got time for that meme or whatever. But here's the thing. If you call white people racist about everything, then you're just going to lose allies, right? So let's go back to that. So if you're talking about that meme, okay, I still think it's ridiculous, but fine. but then they went on to say the tyra banks one where she's like yelling at someone i'm like i don't even know that one and then i looked it up and it's like it's just tyra banks yelling they're not using it because she's black they're using it because she's tyra banks and then they said the jordan the michael jordan crying meme and i'm like

okay you know what you lost me doing nobody's posting this fucking meme because michael jordan is black they're doing it because it's michael jordan and it's michael jordan crying so guess what you lost an ally yes and here's the deal if you are pushing me that far you're losing an ally and guess what? It's just it's it's digital blackface is now nothing. Blackface is something, you know, every now and then you get somebody where they're like still. How about the people who are still doing it on Halloween? Just fully knowing they're going to lose money and jobs. halloween just fully knowing they're gonna lose money and jobs and they're just like well yeah i mean but if we're gonna dress up as denzel washington and pelican brief i mean how are

people gonna know we're just gonna look like a white guy in a suit i'll you know what i'll do it i'll do it i'll pay yeah i'll put my i'll put my face brown, not black, you know, so. But yeah, man, I don't really, I don't know. So I think that CNN is fully in the business of guys like me, because I was talking about this with my brother, and he was like, dude, who would agree with this? Like 17% of people? And I was like, no way, like four.

And he was like, no, but that's not a good business model. But I think the business model is just getting clicks. Because in a sense, when you click on something, you're funding their bullshit. You're funding it in a sense. You're seeing the ads. You're seeing the, you know, and they pay for it. And so they pay for the shit., the, the, the, the shit, the, they pay for the ad space. Right. And I just, uh, I don't think CNN gives a fuck where

their clicks are coming from anymore. Right. And I guess I was talking about this with Kristen and they were like, well, that's why Joe Rogan is so big now. And I guess, you know, he's, he's very unbiased. It seems, you know, he's just kind of talking to people from both sides of everything. I don't know, dude, whatever. This is honestly, let's talk about pants because it's too much. It's too much. But I was in, how could you believe anything the media says, period? I feel like I went to all.

First of all, I did the shows in. Where was I? Midland. Oh, Midland, dude. Hey, Midland. What are you? Hey, Midland. You got mid in the title.

Hey, you're bad. Hey, Midland. You might as well call yourself. Oh, Kaysville. Hey, Midland. you might as well call yourself O'Kaysville. Hey, Midland, you might as well. What was it between Midland and Ho-Hum City? Hey, Midland, you got me. Hey, try harder, you know, dude.

And then they were like, well, there's actually a lot of money in Midland. OK, where? I just saw flat space. I get that there's oil there, but's like hey and i said a lot of money here oh yeah yeah you got big people with a lot of money here oh yeah where do they live dallas hey it's not midland it's an hour away dude midland has an 81 million dollar theater that i played okay uh did i sell it out no why Because Midland. Was it a great show? Yes.

The people were awesome there in Midland. But even they were like, why are we here? And the only reason that night why people were there was because me. And they made an $81 million, which, by the way, the theater is to the nines. We love it. And I'll go back. But why was it there i guess they're trying to make shit popping but dude it was literally in the middle of nowhere i put on my instagram story

people were like why are you here and then i looked at my tour manager and i was like why am i here then went to austin did two shows in austin dude the way, my tour manager was like, hey, so we booked Midland and then we got Austin. And I said, great. And he said, here's the thing. And I said, no. No. Come back to me before you have to get to the point where you say, so here's the thing. where you say, so here's the thing.

So rewind, get rid of the point in your life where the thing happened to where you now need to come to me and say, so here's the thing. Fix that and then come up to me and say, good to go. Whenever I hear, here's the thing, from my tour manager, I go like this. Okay, well, here we go. I'm bracing for impact, right?

So he says, we're doing Midland and then we're doing Austin. We got to fly into Midland. It's connected. Already connecting. I don't want to do it. A connecting flight is basically, it's just, I so don't want to connect on a connecting flight that I would rather almost not do the gig. Okay. But I just say yes because I figure, whatever, it's a city and I don't think about the flights.

And then months down the line, we're figuring out what to do with the tour. And I'm like, okay, fuck, I guess we've got to do a connected flight. So we connect to Midland. So great. So then he says, but, and I go, oh, boy, here we go. And he says, Austin is an hour flight away, but there's no direct flight. And that's when the blood red meter just is at the top of my eyes, right? Blood's just rising.

And I go, and I'm like, so then what the fuck? Why don't we drive? And he says, it's a six-hour drive. Blood all the way up above. Now it's at the top, right? And I'm so pissed because don't route those two cities together. It's so bullshit when two cities are close together and you can play them together, but you can't take a direct flight. And then it's like, well, look into a private jet. And it's like, oh, but it's so bullshit when two cities are close together and you can play them together but you can't take a direct flight and then it's like we'll look into a private jet and it's like oh but it's 20k and you're like k well cancel everything i'm going to sleep so he says so what do you want

to do and i said here's what i want to do i want to drive through the night after my midland show because i'm not staying in Midland for one extra fucking cock sucking second. So then I'm like, get, this is very important, get the, what do you call it? Sprinter van where the shits lay down and we, and we could watch like some fucking dope like korean show where we could just binge it all night to where we're watching the the actors dubbed just like hi where have you been well i've just been out i had dinner with megan and the subtitles are wrong.

Brunch. I had brunch with Susan, it says. And you're just like, all right. We got to pick one. But subtitle or voiceover. So he says, okay, I'll do it. I said, but make sure that they bring the right Sprinter van. He says, I put it in the notes.

I said, all right, great. So we get done with the Midland show. Now we're supposed to get into the van and drive to Austin. And my tour manager comes up to me and he says, so here's the thing. And I go, no. Rewind your life to where you got to the point where you're going to have to say, so here's the thing to me and fix it. I'm not a bad guy. Please work with me here. And he says, they showed up with the wrong Sprinter van. And I said, what do you mean? And he says, they don't have the layback seats. And I go, well, we got to drive through the night. And he says, I know. So they're going to get a different van and they're going to be back in a half an hour. And I say, great. That's a little bit

annoying, but it's way better. And they're going to have a TV. Okay. There was no TV in the one that they came with. And I said, great. I said, great. Because I'm Mr. Easygoing at this point, because sometimes problems arise and I understand that. And I said, great. I said, great. Because I'm Mr. Easygoing at this point. Because sometimes problems arise. And I understand that. And it's not going to make anything better by getting mad. And half an hour, I could wait a half an hour in this green room. I'm just chilling with Lula Gonzalez and Denny Love and, you know, Sam, my videographer and fucking Enrique. We're having a good time, dude.

30 minutes pass and he comes back and he says, so here's the thing. And I say, no. This is the third time you say, so here's the thing and i say no this is the third time you say so here's the thing about this moment to me no and he says it'll be a few more hours if you want that van or we could just take this van and i say i've dealt with all i can at this point he says but the good thing is you're not going to pay for it and i say oh well that is a good I've dealt with all I can at this point. He says, but the good thing is you're not going to pay for it. And I say, oh, well, that is a good thing because it's about, you know, it's thousands of dollars to get this van and take the ride. So now I don't have to pay for it. Okay.

But let's get in the van and go to Austin and it's going to take six hours and it's 1230 already at this point. And we got to stop at Whataburger, you know, because it's going to be there and i'm a fucking piggy and i'm gonna have to eat two burgers because one burger is a snack and it doesn't calm my appetite dude so we get in the thing dude the seats not only do they go back i think they're a little bit forward i'm like this and they're so bad and we stop at water burger now i don't have to pay for the ride so i'm a little bit happy for it but also i'd rather just pay the shit and have to lay down shits and watch a korean drama no tv no no sitting no you know my videographer's on the floor we're gonna crash he's just gonna lose all of his body parts so we get to the uh water burger they're like, have you ever had water burger?

And I say, yep, I don't remember. And they say, dude, top five. Lula Gonzalez says it's in my top five burgers. And I say, really? I don't remember that. And she says it is because in and out is trash. And I go like this. You lost me.

In and out to me, the best burger staying power out the wazoo. And then people are like, yeah, but the fries suck. Dude, if you're going to a burger place because of the fries your priorities are all mismatched yes i fucking think of the good things so i'm just like all right let's get a water burger what do we get now my tummy has been on fire and gurgling and making my anus open up like a sarlacc pit for about two weeks now so this burger situation i, I got to be real careful. But then I noticed they've got a jalapeno burger. So I go like this without thinking. One, please. But then I also don't want to get the thing that isn't the regular thing at Whataburger because I want the

regular thing at Whataburger so I know where to rank it in my burgers. Of course. Yes, I think about the right thing so i also get a double cheeseburger because that's regular my baby so i say one jalapeno burger you know sayonara to this tummy and then also a regular one because i just want to try both now they showed up i ate fucking both of them all of them yes did i leave one bite left over on either of them? No. Dude. So I ate the two Whataburgers. And honestly, dude, I got to tell you, they're good.

And that's it. And I said, the fact that this is in the top five is absolutely bonkers. I can name so many burgers better than Whataburgers. So the people from Texas that love Whataburgers and the people from the South that are like, Whataburger is the shit. I know what you're doing, dude. I absolutely know what you're doing. You're just trying to be in the game. You're trying to have an interesting opinion because Whataburger, you want it to be the dark horse, but let me tell you something, dude, it's not the dark horse. It's fine. And then I ate a dude, Denny Love agreed with me. me he was like this is kind of okay it's mid it was mid and i don't even say that and i've been to midland and uh so we leave

we go back to to austin we get there at 6 30 a.m now we have been up because here's the thing too because we went to we were going to fly in the day before on midland look at that fucking look at that dude My tricep isn't even It's a little flat but that's muscle But dude so we were going to fly in the Midland The day before because I do that I like to get my rest right I used to go the day of

But now I'm like 42 and I'm like dude I don't want to be tired So I used to fly the day of But now I fly the day before to get my rest But then what I did was instead of that, because the flight was going to be delayed and we weren't going to make it, we were going to maybe not make our connection. I was like, fuck it. Let's just go tomorrow morning.

So we flew the day up to Midland. So we got, we had to leave. We had to get picked up at 4 a.m. So we got up at 3.30, right? So, which means we didn't, you know, I go to bed, you know, I'm a fucking con, I go to bed at one. So I got got we all had two hours of sleep me david sullivan and sam the videographer who my son calls him sam the guy because we have sam the dog and now he calls him sam the dog and i he was calling sam the guy the whole time i was awake i'm gonna die guy and he says because we

have sam the dog and i was like oh my heart melted so anyway we got of the plane had no sleep got on the van uh the sprinter no sleep on the sprinter. I got maybe an hour or two. David Sullivan sat up like this the whole time. I can't sleep, man, because I'm sharing the seat with Enrique. Ding. And so we get to San Antonio at night. Fuck yeah, this is so interesting.

And we get there at 7 a.m. And David Sullivan, dude, I wake up at 1 p.m. And I see texts from David Sullivan at the golf course. He was there at fucking 9, dude. He was there at 9 a.m. with a bright orange shitty golf shirt and shorts that were too baggy, dude. And I'm like, here I am, like, why do you even have that? Like, did you pack that shirt, bro? Did you know you're going to be doing this shit? He had a total of two hours of sleep for

two whole days, three days, actually two nights. So I'm like, bro, you're going to die. There comes a moment where you're not, you don't even just, you don't even sleep. You just like, you're so tired that you don't fall asleep. You pass away. Right? That's going to be David. David's going to be like this.

Like not even, he's going to be like, man, I'm tired. Just, and so, so he's so tired. And then, you you know i'm shitting that water burger and he's fucking shitting that water burger and he won't go to sleep and so we did the show and then he helped

fucking run the cameras for the show and then afterwards dude it was 3 a.m and we were eating velvet taco which is banging dude now i know i might look at all that this is all the shit i eat literally this is why the fucking tummy is so april when i have a month off dude i'm gonna be eating salads and fucking walking uphill with lunges dude it's gonna be insane man i'm gonna look so good come fucking may in cincinnati when i'm in cincinnati come may in cincinnati when i come to cincinnati dude i'm gonna look so good jason momoa is gonna be like oh, oh shit, I've decided something, I'm going to do movies again, I'm going to do movies again, and I'm going to do TV again, and there's nothing anybody can do about it, and I'm going to fucking be on the shit, and I'm going to be acting so good,

and you're going to be blown away, blown away, dude, blown away, I'm going to play a guy who stutters, I'm going to play a Korean guy, no makeup, I'm going to be playing, I'm going to, you think I'm not going to play a twink, I'm going to play a twink, dude,. I'm going to be playing. I'm going to, you think I'm not gonna play a twink. I'm gonna play a twink dude. And I'm going to go, I guess what I'm going to do. No research. And I'm just going to come in, blow the doors off, not get nominated for shit because of, we know the woke environment, but you're going to know secretly that your boy needs to be nominated. And I'm being dead. Dude, I'm gonna play a woman, a woman, not a trans woman, a woman. I know trans women are women, but a woman woman from just like you know what i'm talking about like ben shapiro would be like that's a woman that's a woman like that that kind of woman

that's what i'm gonna play dude trans women are women or whatever you know i don't know dude i don't care i don't know like some people are like yeah but don't stay silent or it's perpetuating that nah dude guess what. That's it. Unzip because I got to do the podcast. But zip, dude. Like, I don't care about all the issues. Yeah. I don't give a fuck.

Oh, but that's your privilege. Okay? How about that, dude? And you know what people are doing right now? They're listening to me. They're going like this. Fuck yeah, you're right, dude. I feel that way. But you can't say it because you got a regular job but i can because i'm on patreon and i can because i do stand up and

dude you know what man it's great i can't wait to do this special and have it come out man this shit is fucking bonkers what if i was the kind of comedian that was like dude we're gonna change the game with this special hey guys now that my shit's out, the game's changed, dude. We had to change. They're trying to silence us. Dude, they can't. I love that shit. That's so funny when people just have a fucking inflated self-importance.

Dude, whatever. I'm fucking so important. I'm going to run for fucking governor. I'm gonna run for fucking governor. Previously on The Governor starring Chris D'Elia. That's gonna be me on ABC, dude, when I come back and just fucking acting as a woman governor. Not somebody who's trans. Ben Shapiro's gonna be like, oh, it's Chris D'Elia?

I thought it was a woman. He's really good. Previously on The Governor. Hey, guys, you really need to pass that bill. Previously on The Governor. I love you, but it's different because, God, there's so many judges. Previously on The Governor. No, I know, but, God, move away. Move, lobbyists. I'm trying to get to my meeting.

Wow, no, nothing about. Dude, move out of the way, lobbyists. Oh, dude, nobody grows up and says, one day I'm going to be a lobbyist. It's never happened. It's happened more where people say, when I grow up, I'm going to be a crack whore. I'm going to be a crack whore.

Previously on Crack Whore starring Chris D'Elia. No, you have to use one. I'm scared of ST... Previously on Crack Whore starring Chris D'Elia. It's $25. It's $25. Previously on Crack Whore, starring Chris D'Elia.

It's $25. Previously on Crack Whore, starring Chris D'Elia. I'll do it for $12. Okay. Previously on Crack Whore, starring Chris D'Elia. Freeze! Oh, no, not again. At least I'm not a lobbyist um yeah dude somebody wrote me and they were like I can't

believe you did a post about digital blackface I really fuck with you for a while now but you know you said some things that really irked me about my community I don't even know if it was a black person i suppose it was and they were like um you know you're saying things that really irked me how could you do this when my community is in shambles and i'm just like i just read it and i go like this but also everything's in shambles you you know? I don't know.

I don't know. I've got no idea. I actually, I'm good, dude. I want to get you added. Man, I am fighting nausea the whole time here. So that's cool. I want to try and not... Dude, you know what?

I pat myself on the back for it, dude. I did fucking shows this weekend. I had two in one day. I didn't lose my voice. Yeah, so that means I think my voice will be okay for shooting my special um on saturday in minneapolis uh i was gonna say about the fucking uh sit with me but sit with me guys sit with me for a second because i can't i can't remember what the hell i was gonna say and it was

gonna be absolutely great it was gonna blow the door so i was gonna change the podcast game um too many people have podcasts huh i saw a podcast the other day and guys were just, you know what they were doing? They're just talking. And it's like, dude, don't have that. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. This sucks, dude. I'll be right back. I'm back, man. I'm just relaxing, bro. I'm just relaxing.

I had to go potty. I can't help it. man. I'm just relaxing, bro. I'm just relaxing. I had to go potty. I can't help it. It's like... Oh, oh, oh, oh. This clip,

dude, is so funny to me. This guy is the most the shit guy of all time. Okay. You got plenty of cash. Plenty. I'm going to put you on a mobile. I got somebody for y'all you know what i'm saying bro i mean this hair is a hat you know with a brim yeah what's your type you like black white i like white girls more better okay so could not say i like white girls more better first in the thick time

no don't tell me snowman in other words pog pod that's what i like yeah why is he being a politician about it? In other words, POG. Say that video again. Say it one more time. I'll say it slow. POG. P-A-W-G. Fatass white girls.

No, don't talk about it. Oh, the way he leans back. I like fatass white girls. The thick time. The curly types. Those are my favorite. Robot. You don't need. The thick time. Those are my favorite. Robot. He's bald. Fat ass white girl.

Fat ass white girl. The snow bunnies. No, no. The snow rabbits. I mean, he's acting so cool. What's your name again, bro, before we go, bro? We ain't gonna hold you up, bro. We ain't gonna hold you up like the guy's got shit to do,

dude. Dude, they're so trolling him. Does he know? This guy is so a guy I would be friends with in high school in New Jersey. I can't even believe it, dude. I would... What's your name, man? My name? Right here. Joshua Henderson. Oh, the shit. All right, bro. All right, bro.

We're going to highlight. Never forget that. Taking it. May my name be the last thing you ever hear. I'm getting a little bit. That'll work, bro. All right, bro. Are you taking it? What's his mouth doing, dude? In the middle of the guy's talking, he's just like,

may that be the last name that you ever hear. Just so insane. Dude, so insecure. Hey, good luck to you. Just don't forget about it, ever. Good luck to you. I got to go back to that part. Dude, that's my favorite part.

I mean, that is so funny to me. Hold on. Come on. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. What's your name again, bro, before we go, bro? Because we gotta go, man. I ain't gonna lie to you. I ain't gonna lie to you. What's your name, man?

My name, Joshua Henderson. Alright, bro. Oh, since you're swallowing so much. Never forget that. May my name be the last thing you ever hear. Singing. Voice shakers. That a word, bro.

All right, bro. You take it easy now, bro. Dude. You bitches don't forget about it. Ever. Why do you like Barack Obama a little bit? And you bitches don't forget about it. Ever.

Dude, that guy is so dope. God, I would be that guy's friend so hard. You can tell he's got the worst breath of all time. I mean, there's no question that boy or man, whatever he is, has the worst breath of all time. And it's okay. But Joshua Henderson is fucking, oh, his profile? He is so dope. I mean, the fucking picture of all time. And it's okay. But Joshua Henderson is fucking... Oh, his profile? He is so dope.

I mean, the fucking picture in the thing. What is a regular video of his like? Okay, he's just dancing. All right. Well, this guy's getting... Here we go. Well, it's not just pogs I like, K. I like huge chongas, too.

As a member of... Okay, huge chongas, too. As a member of... K, huge chongas, um... You know? What is this guy saying here? What's up, y'all? Oh. I wanted to ask y'all something. Oh.

Do y'all think I'm light-skinned or not? I mean, wow. Is he? Light-skinned. Um... Fat-ass white girls. I mean, wow. Is he? Light-skinned. Fat-ass white girls. I love that guy. Who's saucier, him or the Pope?

That's not a real jacket that he wore, right? That's the AI shit? Dude, AI looks so real. The Pope image, he looks so flossing, dude. Why didn't he do that? AI Pope, dude. You can't tell it's not. It's so this is AI. He didn't really wear this jacket. Oh, dude. How do they do that? How do I i do that i want to make ai stuff i can do it really you could always tell because of the hands though right let's see the pope is absolutely oh even the hand they got the hands okay with this one

no not really um yeah, the Pope is... He should dress like that. Dude, if the Pope really dressed like that in the AI shit, then more people would be religious and it would be like... People would like it. Like, cool motherfuckers would be religious. They need a good PR, too.

Man, I've been watching this chat, this GPT... Or no, sorry, the TikTok thing about should it be banned or not? Dude, it is so hilarious how the government is like, and what about scrolling? You're just going to let scrolling happen? And the guy's like, excuse me, can I know? Okay, I'm not done. Don't even let him talk. The guy just is so obviously a good guy. You can just tell. I don't give a fuck. Should TikTok be banned? No. Here's the

thing. We got way worse shit in the world happening that we need to worry about than fucking TikTok. I don't give a shit. Have all my information. I didn't fucking, I don't care, dude. You know?

This guy's so, the TikTokiktok shit dude about how they where's the the tiktok oh wait what the tiktok shit where the there's all that's ever come up why tiktok should just push this so here we go it's's right here. Oh, wait. It was just right there. For me. Here we go. TikTok platforms, content moderation, algorithmic discrimination, and safety are neither new nor unique to TikTok. For example, I was disturbed by reports that TikTok content moderation. No, she's actually being good about it.

And we do not collect body, face, or voice data being good about it. Look. We rely on age gating as our key age assurance. Age gating, which is when you ask the user what age they are. We have also developed some tools where we look at their public profile to go through the videos that they post to see whether... That's creepy. Tell me... Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. I mean, so creepy, has his dick in his hand. Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. Hold on a second.

All right, I'm ready. It's public. So if you post... Oh, slandered. Slandered to infinity, dude. Slandered to infinity right there. ...to see whether... Well, that's creepy.

Tell me more about that. It's public. So if you post a video, you choose that video to go public. That's how you get people to see your video. We look at those to see if it matches up the age that you talked about. Slammed it to infinity. I've never seen a harder slam than that.

Well, it's public. Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that. Well, it's public. This is a real challenge for our industry because privacy versus being so respectful is a really big problem. Being so respectful. Look, you keep talking about the industry. We're talking about TikTok.

You keep talking about the industry. We're talking about TikTok here. We're talking about children dying. Do you know any children have died because of this? Do you have any idea? Can you tell me? Watch this part. Congressman, again, it's heartbreaking.

Can you tell me how many children in America have died because of challenges like this? The majority of people who use Health Platform use it for positive experiences. That's not what I ask you. I ask you, tell me the number of children of U.S. children who have died because of these challenges. Dude, just be like this. Two? I don't know.

Why don't they just do that? The problem is he's being too much of a respectful adult, dude. They're really coming for that ass. I don't know how many people. How many people die because of whatever, blank. And the Congress, you know, they're back on their heels. I'm not talking about the majority of children. I want to know a number.

Look it up. If we find them, we will remove them. I'm not talking about the majority of children. I want to know a number. Dangerous changes are not allowed on our platform. If we find them, we will remove them. We take this very seriously. Obviously, you found one today and you removed it. We had to bring it to your attention, and I know I'm out of time. Thank you for being here. Welcome again to the most bipartisan committee in Congress. Hey!

Welcome to the moment. I'm out of time. Welcome to my I'm out of time Welcome to my So like a days ago Well you know it's all good But I got you know He didn't tell me about how many people died He should have been like How many people had the US government killed

Oh my god Could you imagine He should have been like, how many people had the U.S. government killed? Oh, my God. Could you imagine? They would have literally just shot him right there. Well, I didn't like that answer, man. I still wanted to hear about, you know, the creepy thing. I got my cock out. Well, that's creepy. Tell me more about that.

That's a great sound. Why is that not a sound? Well, that's creepy. Why don more about that. That's a great sound. Why is that not a sound on TikTok? Well, that's creepy. Why don't you tell me more about that? People like creepy stuff, you know? Why is that a turn on? Why do people like secret stuff? Why do it?

You know? Don't tell anyone. Well, that's creepy creepy Tell me more about that Well it's public Just slam them Into a fucking The guy's spinning out Into a different world

What's with that Dude if I see Gwyneth Paltrow What is Gwyneth going to patrol on trial for being too white i don't understand every time i look at it it's like well i was skiing and he bumped into me and then and then she's like it's so white woman to be like and it was sexual assault like what what was happening what was happening Gwyneth Paltrow what

what did you do somebody's like I can't taste anymore this is the whitest shit it's so white I was skiing he bumped into me I'm gonna say it's sexual assault and now he can't taste anymore

those are the things that I know about the case that's too white they say oscar's too white gwyneth paltrow case too white and she's got the nerve to dress like jeffrey dahmer with the sunglasses or whatever everything is so gwyneth paltrow here we go ski video there's a ski video oh did something happen oh she crashed into someone and then a guy suing her sanderson's original complaint fought against paltrow clarity that paltrow allegedly skied out of control and hit the back of Terry Sanderson, another skier who was downhill knocking him down hard,

knocking him out, and causing a brain injury, four broken ribs and other... I mean, Jesus, you know? Who's at fault here? In other words, the downhill skier, the person... Okay, this is, I mean, the whitest shit of all time. We will try to get through you quickly. I'm going to scare the person. Okay. This is, I mean, the whitest shit of all time. We will try to get through you quickly.

We're at the end of the day. Oh, it's live right now? No way, dude. No way. Who would watch this? Dude, I wouldn't even watch a Johnny Depp thing. Fucking Kristen was glued to that shit. Fucking so white.

Oh, come on. Turn on, please. It's so hot in here hot and um 69 got hospitalized uh from getting jumped that here's the thing about 69 getting uh jumped why did it happen so late it happened so late i love too that like he denied uh government protection and it didn't happen till i have it in the bathroom of a 24-hour fitness why the fuck is six nine working out like just be gross you know what i mean what is sixine doing at the gym? Imagine him on the treadmill with like big jeans and just his hair flopping all over, just sweating so gross. Stop, like don't, bro, rappers working out is fucking hilarious.

Aren't they too cool? I thought gangsters don't dance, we boogie. How are you going to work out? You live way still maybe, but 6ix9ine went to the bathroom of the 24-Hour Fitness, I thought gangsters don't dance. We boogie. How are you going to work out? You live way still maybe, but six, nine went to the bathroom of the, uh, the 24 hour fitness got jumped by some,

you know, I don't know, probably Mexicans and fucking smashed them up and you have to be hospitalized because it just gets stitches. Why did it take so long? We don't know, but he denied government, uh,

protection. Also, I would have loved to do it. If I was six, nine, I would have straight up gone into hiding like with government, also, I would have loved to, dude, if I was 6'9", I would have straight up gone into hiding, like, with government, like, protection program, I would have gone to Alaska, hid, still been me, I would have, like, cut my hair a little bit, and then still kept rapping,

and then become another name, I would have become another, I was still, I would have made it again, and I would just call myself 70. I would have made it again and I would just call myself 70. Tekashi 7-0. Like, fuck it. Take all the stuff and then I just think it's amazing that it took this long.

How amazing would it have been if just white guys just beat the shit out of them? Snitches get stitches, you know. That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want to get the raw, the uncut,

the unedited episode, go on over to patreon.com slash chrystalia and have at it. It's $6 and you get all of the back-loaded episodes,

back-logged episodes of, of, what do you call it? There's like 25 of them at this point so go get it just six bucks you get all that content thanks very much