Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 31. Fried Butterfly

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

It is the 31st episode! On today's show, Chris talks about how penises are too small on statues. Also discussed: Vin Scully, Dick Vitale, Super Mario Bros theme music, pregnancy photos, the statue of David, a special PSA for naked altruists, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Movement Watches. That's what this episode is brought to you by. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to movement.com. That's MVMT.com. This episode is also brought to you by Square Cash, which is the best money transferring app there is. Everyone is switching to the cash app because it's the best way to pay people back. Most payments can be deposited to your bank in seconds. If you use the other apps to pay people, then you're just living in the dark ages. Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. Hey guys, what's up?

It's episode 31, is it? And when I say, hey guys, what's up? My dog gets all perky. Come here, dude. Congratulations, episode 31. And I just got back from Salt Lake City, Utah, and it was a blast. I love Salt Lake City. I like Salt Lake City.

I don't know if I'd say I love Salt Lake City, but I like Salt Lake City because, well, I've only been in the summer, really. But also I've never been in January. And people are like, oh, I've only been in the summer, really, but also I've never been in January, and people are like, oh, but it's beautiful. You go because it's snowing, and yeah, but it's too cold naturally, so let's just go in the summer, and that's it, but it was so, so hot, and then I got back to LA, and it was way cooler, so it was cool. I did six shows there, and it's a different – it's a different – wait, hold on. Actually, before I even fucking start this shit, go to chrisdalia.com and look at my tour dates. You can go to – I got New Brunswick, New Jersey coming up. I got Tempe and Phoenix and I got some Australia dates, Charlotte, North Carolina.

And there's merch there too, chrystalia.com. You can get all the congratulations merchandise. And so anyway, also watch Man on Fire. And rate and review this fucking thing, please. Because I'm actually, I teeter on, you know, I like doing it, but then I teeter on like, well, if nobody's going to be, if it's not going to be growing, I'm going to stop. You know, it's like in a good business when they're like, Hey, a business has to grow. Otherwise it's dead. That's what this is. This is a business. You understand? Besides the fact that it's a cult. So I was in, um, uh, what do you call a Salt Lake city, which is cool. Uh, it it's, you know, people are like, oh, there's so many Mormons.

Is it weird? Everyone is like, is it weird to do your show there when with so many Mormons? Do they get it? And it's like, yeah, dude, they get it because you know why? They're people. But I don't, you know, tailor my act to a fucking certain religion or whatever. And honestly, if they are offended, I want them to be offended because fuck it you know but i did um six shows there and the only the only jokes that they got a little bit sensitive about was when i started talking shit about animals my little doggies um and uh but yeah it's weird it's a different pace of of uh of life out there i mean

everybody's so nice it's a little bit like the step or what is it the stepford uh what was that movie with the nicole kim and they remade stepford wise yeah where they're like they they seem like a little too nice and it's a little creepy but that's probably only because the rest of the world are such fucking dicks. But they're so nice. And even if they're not Mormon, they're also like close to Mormons. So like there's just the way of living there is like nice and shit. I had people come up to me that were just like so friendly. But one time I was eating at this place um in uh this was

like two two days ago i was eating at this place in in salt lake city and i was with my opener mic and this guy comes in and i saw him like see me and you know you get really good at like when somebody knows who you are and even though they're trying to play it off you get really good at like noticing that they that they did. But so I saw this guy do that and he ordered his food and then all of a sudden he's right there as I'm sitting. His face was so close to my face and he put his hands on his knees. He's a real tall drink of water. So that's why he fucking did that.

And his face was right near my face and he goes like this. Hey, Chris. And I turned around and I was like yeah oh what's up man and i like leaned away a little bit i don't know what do some people talk so close and it's like naturally move back be before dude i can hear you honestly i can hear you if you're fucking 25 feet away so there's no reason to be there's no reason to be touching my cheek with your nose. So he was talking and he was like, hey, man, I just want to let you know I'm a really big fan and I watch your stand up even though my parents won't let me watch it with them. Now, that story seems fine.

However, the guy had a beard. So it's not fine because if you're old enough to grow a beard, then don't say, my parents won't allow me to watch whatever the rest of the sentence is. My parents won't allow me to watch. It doesn't matter. Don't say those words in any sentence because you got a beard you tall drink of water it means you passed puberty then don't say my parents won't allow me to watch hey i'll stop you right there you're too old i'll stop you right

there you're 25 if your parents won't let you watch, you stand up with it, then, I think he was being really sweet. I think what he meant to say was, my parents won't watch it with me. But what he said was, my parents won't let you watch it with me. You're too old for that.

Okay? Are you your parents' pet? No? Oh, cool. Well, man, just live your life. But was uh really really weird and he was he was nervous and his hands were shaking when he was talking so i felt like it was really sweet you know but also may duct tape your parents in a chair and make them watch it you know

duct tape your parents in a chair and make them watch it, you know? Duct tape your parents in a chair and make them watch my comedy. That's my fucking thing right there. Duct tape your parents. Hey, here's the deal. If your parents are real religious, duct tape your parents to a chair and make them watch my comedy. All right? So anyway, I did my shows there, and they were really good, actually.

The last time I was at Wise Guys, the club is awesome. The last time I was at Wise Guys, it was good. And this time it was great. I don't know what it was, but the crowds were, like, way better. And I don't know what it was but the crowds were like way better and i don't know if they were more excited i hadn't been there in a year but loved it um and so that's it i got coffee people were like you got to try this coffee place tried the coffee place wasn't good got pissed off all good all good dude all good. If you know, all I want is good.

That's why I ended up going to fucking shitty ass Starbucks. Cause I know what I'm going to get. Um, by the way, I just came from the coffee, the coffee shop right now. And this guy said, and this crazy guy,

there's, Oh dude, I don't know why. I know I've talked about this before. I don't know why people are, I don't know at what point it's like people are the most – how come crazy people are the most crazy? Like I never notice somebody – granted, it's noticeable, more noticeable when somebody is the most crazy. But you never like – you never see somebody that's like, oh, fuck, man.

Was that a spider? And you're like, there's no spider there. And you're like, oh, shit. I thought it was a spider. Sorry. You never see somebody who's that crazy. It's always somebody that's like, well, man, was that a spider? And you're like, there's no spider there. And you're like, oh, shit, I thought it was a spider. Sorry. You never see somebody who's that crazy. It's always somebody that's like, well, you know, it's the government. It's the government that's out to get me.

In a fucking Macy's with, like, no shirt on. Like, at what point, that guy went to fucking zero to 100 real quick. That's what the Drake song's about, a guy fucking snapping and becoming crazy. No, but, and he said, what did he say? That's what the Drake song's about, a guy fucking snapping and becoming crazy. No, but, and he said, what did he say? I fucking walked to the coffee shop and he said, I thought he was talking to me until I realized he wasn't talking to me because he said something like, oh, oh, oh, he said, the bottom line is, first of all, if anybody's talking about the bottom line, you're a little bit more crazy than somebody who doesn't talk about the bottom line. Cause that's fucking insane to be like, well, the bottom line is the bottom line is,

you know, people say the bottom line is about a lot fucking anything about sports. Well, look, the bottom line is, you know, he can't fucking throw faster than 90 miles an hour. The bottom line is he's not scoring touchdowns. The bottom line is, he's not scoring touchdowns. The bottom line is, he's not scoring goals. So that's, so, you know, you got to take him out. That's the bottom line. When it gets down to brass tacks, when it gets down to brass tacks, he's not throwing.

You know, all said and done, that's like, uh, fucking some shit when it's all said and done. He's not making baskets. The bottom line is, how about Vin? What is it? Vin Scully?

Was that, is that the guy baseball? Yeah. Who's the only fucking baseball announcer that there's just one of them left. Like there's always, there's always two guys because it's like when, when there was one guy that was like so old timey, they'd have like one guy calling the shit.

And then, and then every team was like, Hey, what are we doing? Let's have two guys. And then one guy was like the color commentator. And then the other guy was like the guy who like knew all the stats and shit. And,

but Vin Scully was like the last remaining guy. That was just one guy. Did he die? He's still, but he, he retired, right? Side retired. Dude dude he would fucking vin scully was it was the la dodgers announcer and he was the only he was

the guy that would like just talk and non-stop talk he would non-stop talk about these players and he would be like there would be no other guy that would be like yeah you're right and also yada yada but he would be like kirk gibson steps to bat kirk having a struggling struggling this year but really coming into his own when it comes playoff season kirk family originated from italy a little bit like would talk about the the shit because because he had to fill the space he would talk about things that had nothing to do with baseball but they held him on because it was like royalty it'd be like kirk gibson the last time he didn't have his mustache was when he was 14 his mother said in a magazine

they interviewed his mom and you were like yeah yeah yeah and then he would trail off so hard that they would start throwing pitches and shit and baseball action would be happening and he would be like so that's why Kirk Gibson shops at Ikea and goes to Circuit City

swig of a miss. And you'd be like, dude, you're missing out on the basketball. It would really happen. He'd be like, John Allred steps up against. What's that fucking Venezuela? Who's that guy? Fernando Venezuela. First of all, the name is the most Latino name of all time.

Fernando Venezuela. Venezuela. Valenzuela. Valenzuela, Fernando Valenzuela, who is for some reason pitchers are the only people in baseball that can be fat. For some reason, every baseball player is either sinewy or jacked except for pitchers. or jacked except for pitchers. Pitchers are the only position in baseball where you can be a fat slob. The ugliest players in baseball, if you look like, now,

if you're a first baseman your legs are trunks if you're a shortstop you're fast and sinewy if you're even if you're a designated hitter you've got strong shoulders. But somehow, if you're a pitcher from the 80s, you'll look like a couch potato. Fernando Valenzuela pitching to John Olerud. John Olerud's on-base

percentage is 425. 425. I mean, who is that pitcher? They're pulling up pitchers. I mean, why does that guy have... Man, how come you can be... I don't understand how you can be so...

not looking like a sports guy, but still be a pitcher. But that's what he would do. He would talk about anything other than baseball, and then when the action would happen to be too late and you just like side fucking sneak in and he'd be by the way fernando valenzuela is not fat i mean it's just like so dumb that i'm saying it but um he just doesn't look like a fucking studly fucking but he would be like jose canseco steps up to the bat for fernando valenzuela fernando throw fernando from a small town in the where is he from ecuador and moved over to los angeles when his parents finally scrounged up enough money to get over. And when he did, him and eight other family members

sat in a one-bedroom apartment for years until AAA came calling, long fly ball, deep to center, and he's out. That's what he would do. He'd be like, hey, man, I'm trying to watch fucking baseball. Technical difficulties. Technical fucking difficulties, dude. This fucking thing's falling. Hey, producer, get over here, dude.

And you know what's coming. One firearm. Dude, there we go. There we go. Shinsey fucking things here. Shinsey fucking things. Sorry for the fucking. Sorry.

So sorry for the sound. Fuck up. And also, if you're visually watching. You might see the microphone fall down. Swig it a bit. So, yeah. Fernando Valenzuela. Hey, Saltino. Fernando Valenzuela.

Eh, saltino. Fernando Valenzuela. Eh, saltino. So, anyway. That was... Well, I don't... I have literally have no idea what I was talking about until I got to... How I got to fucking Vin Scully. By the way, Vin Scully.

You know what I mean? Cetarian? Those announcers are fucking amazing, though. Who's the one? Fucking, hey, fucking Dick Vitale. Is that that fucking guy? Dick Vitale? Hey, baby!

Hey, Dick Vitale. Every time I would see Dick Vitale, even though when I was eight, I'd be like, hey, man, calm the fuck down. Oh, it's going to be fucking amazing! Like, get the fuck relaxed. Imagine having Thanksgiving dinner with that fucking guy. Oh, my God! This is great! I've never had a fucking turkey like this before!

Put it in your fucking mouths! Today, I'm thankful for volume. Without volume, you'd be like, Dick Vitale would be like, who wants to go first? I'd be like, I'll go first. I'd be like, well, I'm thankful for the family. Mr. Vitale would be like, I'm thankful for the family. I'm really happy that even though everyone's busy schedule, we can all get together it's great and i really appreciate it why don't you go and then dick vital's dad's like well i'm just happy i'm happy you know that uh i'm able to be employed you know times are tough yada yada

and then like a fucking why don't you go and dick vital sister's like i'm just happy you know because people are treating me really cool at school and it was tough to get situated and everything but now i really seem to be coming into my own and then 22 year old dick vital was like okay go ahead dick and they were like oh i gotta say this is fucking unbelievable baby the way we can all come together and eat stuffing. Dick Vitale, dude. I mean, Satallion. Dick Vitale and Vin Scully. If they had a kid, it would be like fucking.

You know what? They had a kid and it was Mario and Luigi from fucking. Wait, were they Italian? Yeah, they were, right? From... Wait were they Italian? Yeah they were right From uh Meenie meenie meenie Meenie meenie meenie Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding I feel like When Super Mario Brothers

When they made that fucking song That just feels like the fucking Notiest song you know what I mean Like it's like I feel like they were like You know how like some songs are like fucking i don't know it's like like like okay like fucking take pop goes the weasel uh wait is that pop goes the weasel there that's it that's the fucking thing and it goes Wait, is that pop?

There, that's it. That's the fucking thing. And it goes... And then over again. Over and over again. But Super Mario Bros. The notes just never stop, dude. It's like...

Fuck off! Fuck off! When's it come around? Like, fuck off. Fuck off. When's it come around? What are you turning it into? It's like you could literally turn it into a little yacht, a little yachtyy song and it would just fucking like how fucking insane they were just like you just keep going man just keep fucking making notes who gives a shit man this is the weirdest game ever it doesn't matter they're jumping on lizards they're jumping on turtles kind of and then they transport into fucking green tubes and then go underground

and then even that one you think it's just gonna be and you're like okay this one's a little better and then all of a sudden, fuck off. I get that part. Some fucking leader came in and like Mr. Mario Brothers came in and was like, I need it to be busier. And they were like, dude, he's such a fucking dick, dude, the way he comes in. He's obviously dealing with a divorce and it fucking sucks that he comes in and tells us what to do why don't we just fucking give him all the notes well dude we have and then we could just go lower yeah but dude check this out i came up with this last night this guy's being such a fucking dick

dude here we fucking go check this out we're gonna give him this let me play it dude he's gonna kill us man wait till you hear what i got for stage one dude hey sorry for being so annoying but also you know what the number one notiest song is this is the number one notiest song uh uh this is the number one nodious song uh uh uh uh oh oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah the the um i don't know try to do this acapella you know how every song you can do acapella like like uh let me come on every song you can do uh acapella like you can do acapella like like uh let me come on dude every song you can do uh acapella like you

can be like oh man i'm gonna go like that's google dolls right or you could be like um um uh what's his song fucking uh uh uh i literally can't think of a song what's a billy joel song fucking you know it says fucking uh we didn't start the fire this is the notiest song of all time fucking right here i'm gonna play the beginning of it just the beginning of it oh of course an ad hey youtube get it together dude nope nope not nope let me turn it lower until it starts but um this is the notiest song you can't fucking do it acapella try to do it acapella my producer and i used to talk about this a lot okay when it starts producer and I used to talk about this a lot.

Okay, when it starts. Oh, it fucking doesn't even start at the beginning, god damn it. If you're going to upload the fucking song, upload it from the beginning, dude. I mean, you know how the PIMP song starts? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You can't do it. You can't do it acapella. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

You can't do it. And then it goes to ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Of course, I get it. Now, my question is, and what I've noticed now is, how come this music video on YouTube has 224 million views? That's fucking insane, dude. The first fucking comment is, I don't like the censoring of these songs. Hey, man, buy it. Oh, it's 49 cents on iTunes. Get a Spotify. I don't like the censoring. Imagine fucking watching the video and then being like, dude, I don't like the censoring on this fucking shit. And then being like, got to comment it. Maybe this is it.

I'm just going to buy it. Doesn't work. Anyway, what was I talking about? I was talking about Dick Vitale and before that I was talking about side retired dude what's his name uh uh Vin Scully and Dick Vitale if Vin Scully fucking came up with a if Vin Scully would say side retired it would have 45 syllables in it every time side retired and that's it and he's out now we'll be back after these messages side retired the japanese Is it Japanese? That's what the guy was saying when I walked out the coffee shop. He was saying, the bottom line is, we'll see how long it takes for me to... Fuck, what was it?

Fuck, I said... The bottom line is, we'll see how long it takes for me to take a bitch out or something whatever it was and i was like oh jesus he was it's crazy and he was talking to no one um anyway Uh, anyway. Hey dogs, come here. Uh, have you heard of movement watches? If you haven't, you live under a rock.

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I don't know what it is about, by the way, reading. Like, I just become a fucking idiot when I start reading and I think it's because I'm like I try to uh I try to read it and then as halfway through the page I'm just like fuck I want chocolate and then I start thinking about chocolate for like a split second. But I've read two sentences since then. And then I go back and I'm like, oh, fuck, who's this that they're talking about?

Now they introduce someone else. Well, I fucking thought about chocolate. And I got to go back three lines. And then it's over. It's over. I go back three lines. And I'm like, I might as well just quit. You know what?

Fuck it. I'm just going to be dumb. Literally, every fucking thing I read, halfway through, I'll be what? Fuck it. I'm just going to be dumb. Literally every fucking thing I read halfway through, I'll be like, all right, I'm just fucking, I'm just going to choose to be dumb. Um, I, uh, Oh God. I, I, I, um, well shit, man. I don't know. I've been tracking my calories and my workouts and stuff. It's been good, man. I've been going fucking hard. I burned like 640 calories the other day running up and down my stairs and shit.

I get my Irish buddy to do it with me. And he's always like, oh, it's an unreal workout, huh? And I'm like, yeah, man. Oh, how's your chest feel? Mine feels unreal. I don't know. I don't know. But, oh, wait,

I had a fucking thing I wanted to talk about. And I don't remember it. Oh, I,'t remember it. Oh, dude. I don't know how I feel about this. And I know people are going to say they're so... It's beautiful. And I'm going to get shit for this maybe.

Although I'm not that important, so maybe not. I'm going to get shit for this maybe, although I'm not that important, so maybe not. But like these fucking set up pregnancy photos, like these set up pregnancy photos where like there's so much fucking, and you've got like a fucking halo around your head and like a beautiful like sheer cape and you're holding your stomach and like, hey, and I mean this and I'm going to say this, be happy that you're pregnant. I'm happy you're pregnant keep to yourself and also you can take a picture of you being pregnant but what are you an avenger

the fuck are you standing on a rock for and it's always the picture it's always of them it's always of the the woman like one arm the belly, one arm on top of the belly. And she's, like, doing the most caringest face of all time with her eyes, like, either looking at the belly or, like, closing her eyes, just really trying to meditate on that embryo. And she's always got, like,, like a, like a, like Ivy around her fucking head. Hey, hey, I got a question for you. What about having another human being inside you makes you want to put Ivy around your head? You're the statue of David? By the way, why did the statue of David have the littlest cock? You know that whoever made, was it Michelangelo who did that one? He had the littlest cock of all time because he only painted people with little cocks.

That's a very weird fetish. Hey, Michelangelo, paint someone with a fat cock. Why wouldn't you? Dude, if I was a sculptor, I would, if I i was a sculpture i would if i was a sculptor not if i was a sculpture but if i was a sculptor and somebody's like dude i want a fucking statue of a man who's naked as shit and i'd be like all right cool i'd make the cock so so so veiny and big because and then when he would be like and then because here's why because then if somebody was like the owner of the guy who commissioned me they'd be like hey why is his cock so big i'd be

like what do you mean that's regular sized bam got you now i know you have a small cock guy who fucking commissioned me so they wouldn't do that so i would basically make paintings and statues of guys with huge cocks and nobody would be saying shit because it'd be too insecure to be like why is this cock so big because then i'd fucking slam him and I'd be like, that's a regular size cock. Then you know, I got a big cock and you got a small cock. Is your cock a cock or is your cock a clit? Dude, David's cock was a fucking clit. Don't care. David's cock was a fucking clit. Does he fucking stroke it or does he, you know, pat it? that's how the statue david jerks off he pats it like a clit now going to hell yeah does it matter no there's no hell

statue of david's a basic too david most regular name well who is that anyway david oh david and goliath oh oh okay so david small one, right? So that's why his cock was small. So not only was David the small one, his cock was small. So he was small and his cock was even smaller. Get out of here, dude. I would have made David smaller and his cock would be dragging on the ground. Dragging. It would be so nice and folded on the ground with all like the fucking skin.

And I would have been, I would have made it like extra long and trailing behind him. And then people would have been like, why would people be like, why would, um, why would you make his cock so big? And I would be like, you guys have small cocks, dude. I'm going to go paint a fucking ceiling and get fucking oil paint dripping in my eyes and then die from it. Yeah. David and Goliath.

Goliath. Make Goliath. I want to see that guy's cock. You know what I would have done? I would have made the Sistine Chapel and I would have fucking painted it on the ceiling and I would have had the fucking cocks coming down. Like I would have had the fucking, like I would have sculpted the cocks coming down

off of the ceiling. That's what I would do. It's blasphemous, but that's what I would do. And then people would be like, whoa, what's hanging down up there? And I'd be like, oh, the cocks. Where's my money? I'd be like, we, what's hanging down up there? And I'd be like, oh, the cocks. Where's my money? I'd be like, we should probably take the cocks off. And I'd be like, you got to hire someone to take the cocks off.

I already did my work. And I would have been like, oh, I'll take the cocks off. And I'd be like, and then I would have got up there and I'd been like, oh, they're too hard to take off. And it would have looked like I was jerking them off. And I'd be like, I can't get them off. Do your fucking self assholes. And I would have walked out with pain all over my face i can't take it off i'm trying to take it off over and over again it's like i'm joking it off fuck off assholes i'm out of here fuck italy that's what i would

have done see ya and then i would have walked by david i would have been like he's got a small cock it's like yours fuck out of here and i would have walked by with my toga and ivy by the way but pregnancy photos dude you know like get the fuck out of here and i would have walked by with my toga and ivy by the way but pregnancy photos dude you know like get the fuck out of here with that shit who are you getting pregnant for who are you getting pregnant for who the fuck are you getting pregnant for you you getting pregnant for your family you're getting pregnant for fucking onlookers at in malib. Who are you getting pregnant for? The people in Instagram?

Bye. Turn around. It's free conch, but change it. I hit you with the fucking combo right there, dude. I hit you with the fucking illest congratulations combo right there that it's fucking unreal. Do you understand me, dude? You're taking pregnancy photos?

For who, dude? What are you doing? Who are you doing it for? You doing it for your Instagram followers? No. I forget what combo I hit you with, but here comes a new one. Change it. Turn around.

You doing it for who? Fucking Yakuta. I fucking smashed you with a congratulations combo. First one was a little better. But you got to get hit with some combos, dude. Like the end of the fucking McGregor fight. You exhausted because I'm hitting you with combos. And yeah.

I don't know, dude. But like, here's the deal. Everyone thinks they're fucking Beyonce. That's what it is. Nah, you just here's the deal. Everyone thinks they're fucking Beyonce. That's what it is. Nah. You're just someone. Every girl thinks they're Beyonce. Every guy thinks he's The Rock secretly.

Change it. Change it. You're not important. You got a day job. So don't be taking pictures like the number one R&B singer. And stop with the fucking

caring ass fucking I'm holding my belly. This is life. This is how life forms. Yeah, we know, man. We took a fucking science class. Don't give me that face. I want a pregnancy photo

where the chick is fucking posing like she'd be on WWF or WCW. Where she's like doing a screaming face like, yeah! And her arms are out and she's like looking at the camera and her fucking fat belly's just hanging over. That's the fucking pregnancy photo I want.

hanging over. That's the fucking pregnancy photo I want. It's so fucking crazy how important everybody thinks they are all because of Instagram and social media. Bye. No, but it's all good, but bye. No, but you have a lot of followers and you want to post a picture. That's cool, but step back a few paces and now

hold on a second. No, gunk.unk okay turn around so the door can hit you on the ass on the way out uh gunk gunk the baby gunk slam the baby falls out your uterus. Good gunk. Sorry. Should have taken a few steps forward, but good gunk. The door hit your ass and made your baby fall out of your uterus and slide across the fucking linoleum floor like air hockey. You baby sliding across the fucking linoleum floor like air hockey don't worry it'll come back because the umbilical cord

you person it's gross this is science this is not beautiful this is science i love when people pretend that shit is so beautiful just because it's natural ah Hey man, you know what else is natural? Me shitting. Do I ever look at my shit and be like, oh, it's beautiful? No. Cause you know why? It's just a burrito bowl transformed into brown. Okay. It's some tofu and hot sauce. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, really? Keep it and frame it. Keep it and frame it. Put it above the fireplace. Oh, what's beautiful. Oh, really? Keep it and frame it. Keep it and frame it. Put it above the fireplace. Oh, what's that?

That's gross. That's my shit. It's beautiful. It's natural. Now, am I comparing a newborn to shit? Yes, I am. Now, is that a problem? Yes, it is.

But is this a comedy podcast? Yes, it is. So therefore, don't tweet me that it's wrong. Um, yeah. Oh. is so therefore don't tweet me that it's wrong um yeah oh so anyway pregnant pregnancy photos change it i got my my opener was trying to tell me because i got a fitbit i was a cuda but that's not true it's not cuda to have a fucking fitbit do you know why it's not cuda to have a Fitbit? Because a Fitbit is fucking functional. You're cuda if you just fucking get like a, one of those fucking beaded bracelets for no reason. You know, those fucking are a puka shell necklace. Ah, ah, ah, you cuda. You saw it in a gift shop, bought it, put it around your neck. Yakuda. All right? That's a great one.

Leave that one. Dude. Oh, man. You remember when I... Never mind. All these quotes, though, man. You know, a pregnancy photo would easily go with a quote. Like a quote from Gandhi or some shit or Mother Teresa or like fucking T.S. Eliot. You think T.S. Eliot gives a fuck about your pregnancy photo on Malibu?

No. You know why? He's dead. Also, if he was alive, wouldn't know you. Also, if he was alive wouldn't know you also if he was alive he'd have about 6 000 instagram followers it's nothing know why because he's smart um but uh what do you call it the uh what I going to say? People love giving quotes, dude. People love quotes. So important, so convoluted, so stupid.

You know what my favorite quote is? The most basic quote of all time. Tupac said it. It was after he fucking got acquitted from rape. And he didn't do it. And he came out of the fucking courthouse. And everybody was like, Tupac, what do you feel? How do you feel? you feel you're fucking this and that and he says they're trying to label me as a thug but what they don't know is i'm a businessman and you could tell i'm a businessman because when

you look for me you find me in my place of business that is the single best quote of all time because he fucking took it down to their level, looked the reporters in the eye, and said some basic shit, and that's what he is. It's the basic. It's the smart. I love basic smart quotes and shit. You know what I was listening to the other day? The fucking Elton John song.

The fuck is it? I was listening to it the other day. Amorina. What the fuck is it called Amorina for? You know that song? Oh, it's the girl's name? Change it. But when he says, And when it rains, the rain falls down.

Like, nishitit but that's awesome and when it rains the rain falls down and washes away I don't even know what the fuck he says after that when it rains the rain falls down it's basic it's good you don't need to go so fucking far with it so anyway so what's up

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I thought about a funny thing where if a guy was on a date with a girl, I think this would be awesome. And I want somebody to do this and report back to me. A first or second date when you haven't kissed the girl yet. Oh, cool. I'm so sweaty. Hey, good thing it's 110 degrees in this fucking thing. It's awesome.

So, if a guy went on a date, I want somebody to do this and then I want him to look. Yeah, this makes me laugh, dude. This is like the, Oh, Diane, I'm so cool. Not as funny, but still when the guy, if a guy like at the end of dinner and he walks her down or a place and whatever, and then he says, well, have a good night. And he says, congratulations congratulations you've won a kiss i think that would be it's cringeworthy and i want to fucking see a look on a girl's face when

a guy says that to her now i won't ever do that i won't ever see it but if imagine the imagine the fucking ego on a guy who says you've won a kiss oh dude it's awesome it's awesome to think about a guy thinking so highly of himself that that you would he would say you've won a kiss sweetheart and then say sweetheart it's it's a condescending to call a woman sweetheart i saw a guy getting mad at a girl once In a convenience store And he was like sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart And I was like It's shitty It's condescending Had so many problems with ladies when he was growing up

Has mommy issues Calling them girls sweethearts Had his heart broken way too many times So yeah But I'm chilling my babies Come here Bubbba's come here come here i'm gonna grab my dogs come here guys hop up come on sammy okay well you're being lazy as shit do dogs sleep like 25 hours a day come here remember when you guys shit on the floor come here sam come here bubba remember when you shit on the floor buddy oh he's so fucking precious man you guys make up most of my act right now that's weird i talk about you guys way too much on my stand-up because i don't really have much

going on in my life except you guys say hi to the fucking guys hi all right cool now now get off oh bro chill man they're gonna think i beat you um oh fuck i'm in pain babies worked out too hard pulled muscles um we really gotta do something about this heat, man. Oh, okay. Well, why don't we do this? Let's go to... Oh, actually, I could do the... Let me look at the fucking... What do you call it?

Most fucked up Instagram of the week. I got a good one right here. Hey, guys. Here we go. It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Gunk. Here we go. This is the one that I want to talk about. And I'm going to say what. Oh, here's a quote for fucking quotes. Morning heart. Morning loves, I guess it means. Morning love.

So much inner growth. Anytime someone talks about inner growth. Let me tell you something right now. If I know this, if I know anything, it's this, this is true. Anyone talking about inner growth has fucking serious issues.

Anyone talking about their inner growth has, let me tell you something. Honestly, cries hard every other day, cries hard every other day. Morning love so much inner growth the past few months. And I read this quote this morning and I love it. Oh, I can't wait to hear about the quote that you love. So much inner growth the past few months. What does that even mean, by the way? If you have had inner growth the past few months, what does that mean?

You're happier? What does it mean? You learn stuff about yourself? What does that mean? Does your life change at all? Or do you just pretty much do the same shit and maybe feel a little bit better so much inner growth oh really can you teleport no then turn around you're just saying shit you heard. You're regurgitating? You're regurgitating?

What happened to it? Where'd it go? Here we go. I have a fucking photos saved in my, I have saved photos in my Instagram and the folder it's under is called uh-oh. Uh-Oh. Uh-Oh. Morning, love.

So much inner growth the past few months and I read this quote this morning and I love it. Quote, you have the power to say, this is not how my story will end. Oh, that's the whole quote. That's the whole quote. By the way, you don't ever need to start a quote with you have the power to say because that's what the fucking quotation marks are for not done with the sentence yet you goddamn idiot now i'm done okay you have the power to say, is part of the quote?

Then let me tell you something. You're a fucking moron. Period. This is not, you have the power to say, this is not how my story will end. Hey, are you seven? Or are you a grown adult with a grown brain and pubic hair? Because if you are, then you don't need to tell people this because we already know it and you already know it unless you're talking to a six-year-old. Oh, and here we go.

She continues. Doesn't hurt that on GOT, on Game of Thrones the other night The Stark sisters also said Our story isn't over Yeah, oh really? Yeah, oh it doesn't hurt? Oh no shit! Know why? Cause no matter what happens on a TV show It doesn't hurt On a fictional TV show?

Oh hey, doesn't hurt Imagine hanging out with the Hey, doesn't hurt that on Game of Thrones the other night The Stark sisters also said our story isn't over. Imagine if you were eating brunch with that person and somebody said that. I would get up and go to the valet, get my car, and as they were looking at me with a confused face, I'd just be looking back at them every few seconds until my car came. Then I'd get in the car and I'd... our story isn't over bitch

this is not how my story will end you probably think i'm the crazy one for doing this, but really you're the crazy one for making me do this. The quote's not over. Here we go. So few words that mean so much. Our story isn't over. So few words that mean so much. Hey, here's even fewer words that mean more. You have the power this very moment to reach for things and go after dreams you thought you had to ignore oh my god so let's let's put somebody in that situation there i you know what i want to be a basketball player but i have to ignore that never mind i have the power actually to reach for that so that's i'm just putting it in a technical sense there your story isn't over and only you have the power to write your story

not if some guy with fucking money comes along and helps you out though really so stop waiting and stop being scared you got. Flexing bicep emoji. Y'all have a beautifully written day. Angry? Now, I told you the quote. Now, we all know that quote is horrid. It's horrid and it's poison. There's a song that Nas has. And he says, physicians fill in prescriptions for medicine, which is poison.

And he says, which is poison, which is esakak. Which is poison. And that quote is poison. Now, if you say, you know, if you wrote that quote, that's fine. Stop waiting and stop being scared. You could say that, which is poison, but it's okay. Morning love, so much inner growth the past few months. Now, you can say that.

It's fine. You say that, which is poison, but it's fine. So, anyway, this is the picture attached with the horrid and harrowing quote or caption. And I, and, and, okay, so this lady is on a bed, face down. Now, I'm going to give you a guess. Is she butt fucking naked or not? Now, you guessed right because you are a baby and you know this podcast and you're in my cult. And you would know that if somebody posted a quote like that by now because of the previous episodes, we are learning how people are.

And if you post something like that, now I am your elder. Post something like that. Now, I am your elder. If you post something like that and you're a true baby, you know that if somebody posts a picture and a caption like that, the picture attached to it will either be of an annoying as shit couple in the sunset or a woman that's buck fucking naked fucking naked fucking fucking fucking naked that's a papoose song now she butt naked she butt nake, she butt nake. Now, I would tell her to turn around, but she already turned around. You can see her fucking naked ass sexually, sexually forthcoming, and she's naked and the shot is directly behind her,

which means if she spread her ass cheeks a little more, you could see both holes. Satroche. Satroche. Satroche. You grown woman, you got Instagram talking about inner growth? Let's not see inner holes.

If you're talking about inner growth, let's not also see inside you. Dude, if she spread her ass cheeks an inch, you could see her bits and pieces. If she spread her ass cheeks, you can see

a little discoloration. If she put her right hand in her right cheek and her left hand in her left cheek and moved them away from each other, you could see her fried butterfly. Oh, shit, man. Hey hey guess what your story's over okay your story ended you know what it ended with little discoloration hey man nobody's fucking taking you seriously how How about this? Don't show your asshole and your pussy and try to be Gandhi. Hi, I'm Chris D'Elia from NBC's Canceled Undateable. Don't show your pussy and asshole if you're trying to be Mother Teresa. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Hey, I'm Chris D'Elia from NBC's Canceled Whitney. But here's the bottom line. Don't show what's pink between your legs if you're trying to be Elon Musk. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Hey, what's up? It's Chris D'Elia from TBS's Glory Days eight years ago. Do you think Steve Jobs ever showed us his balls? No? Then you don't

god damn what's wrong with this fucking conch that might be the problem is that it's a freak conch yeah we all fucking live in a freak conch it's freak conch you can show your bits and pieces now i'm not fucking saying don't show you bits and pieces but if you're gonna show you bits and pieces don't talk about inner growth or how stories end because your story's over you're gonna be labeled sly. I'm so fucking hot and it's so fucking slamming ass fucking sweaty. I put on one of my good shirts. I like my shirt. It's a t-shirt. It's not fucking that crazy. All right, let's just check these fucking hashtags before we get the fuck out of here.

Oh boy. My producer set it up all right and i fucking clicked out of it all right here we go neil oh wow all right neil i think we've talked to you before i don't remember but dude you've got the number one change it of all time neil his handle is at taking you to pound town t-a-k-n-u-2 like the band and then pound town hey Hey man, you frat guy. What's your take on those guys, girls that plastered their Instagram handle on their car window? Seducy.

I don't even take issue with that. I mean, that's ridiculous. But the fact that taking you to pound town is calling anything douchey is crazy. Go to the one about the fucking one I pointed to earlier. And don't have it one firearm one fire there we go holly mounts you porn star at holly mounts great good job love it when the handle is the fucking same thing as the thing the name at crystal leo what do you think about white people who say ninja because they want to say the N-word so bad but can't?

Dude, if anyone ever said, you know what I'm saying, my ninja? In front of me, I would go like this. Like, actually, I'd go like this. Oh, that's what I would do. That'd be my reaction. Dude, What's up my ninja? What's up my ninja? Last guy I heard say that was a black guy. Just don't say that. You're white, you're black, Asian, Indian, doesn't matter. You're green. Don't say it. What if you were a ninja in real life? Are there ninjas in real life? Yeah, somewhere, right?

What if you were a ninja in LA, an actual ninja, like trained and you're like a ninja, but you dressed regular, but you were a fucking ninja. How do you become a ninja? You got to go to like the ninja Academy. Oh God. I don't know. You probably, you know what you have to have a lot of, honestly, if you're a ninja, inner growth, you really do. You have to have a lot of inner growth, which means you never showed anybody you fried butterfly or you fucking hairy balls. Ninja, dude. How about how stupid that is? What's up, Ninja? Oh, you fucking moron. I'm going to do one more. Do your parents listen to the podcast?

Would that make them true babies or immediate elders? This guy wrote gaining the system like a fucking... It's gaming the system, you fucking dick. Caleb Will, at Caleb will underscore i am take the last part off um my parent my dad listens to every episode which is weird because i definitely mentioned fried butterfly so he's gonna hear that sorry dad uh my mom i'm pretty sure, doesn't. Hope she doesn't because if she does, she heard him say bits and pieces. They made me, so I guess they are the technical elders. But I don't know, man.

We've still got to put out the elders. People have been coming up to me like, I'm working towards elders. Oh, some guy came up to me at the Utah shows the other day and very creepily said, and I know he was trying to be humorous, but he looked at me after he took a picture with me, walked away and said, hey, man, for real. He said, I'm prepared to kill to become an elder. Hey, man, it's creepy. Don't know you. Don't say.

Don't know you. Don't say. But, bro, also, secretly, don't tell anybody, but thank you. Dude, I'm going to wrap this up, man. This was a fun episode. Really fun. Remember to check out Movement Watches. Get 15% off with free shipping and free returns. MVMT.com slash congrats. Square Cash. Have you switched to Square Cash yet? dot com slash congrats. Square Cash. Have you switched to Square Cash yet?

The Cash app? Download the free Square Cash app for iOS or Android now. I got dates coming up. I got Phoenix, Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Boone, oh no, that's a college,

Boone, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, Adelaide, Australia, Perth, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Australia, Columbus, Ohio, Irvine,ifornia irvine california and san jose california that's what we're doing babies why don't you come by and wear your fucking you could emerge merchandise announcements get made on twitter so be sure to follow there we got restocked cuda shirts restocked congratulations shirts restocked CUDA shirts, restocked congratulations shirts, restocked all sorts of shit.

You can also get the stand-up stuff there too. Man on Fire, go watch it and tell people to watch it. If you want to be in my cult, you got to share this. You got to share Man on Fire. You got to share the congratulations episode. If the fucking shit takes a dip, mouth. I'll focus on stand-up. I'm threatening

you. Rate and review this podcast please. Congratulations pod. Hashtag congratulations pod. Thank you. You guys are great. Go to chris.talia.com or congratulationspod.com Twitter is

congratspod and hashtag congratulationspod. Now, guys, thanks for listening. And remember, if you want to show your bits and pieces, fine, but don't act like Gandhi. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Fuck you. You're a fucking fucker.

Motherfucker right here. The motherfucking child of a motherfucker.