Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 315. The Coronation Of King Charles III

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris reviews the Coronation Ceremony of King Charles, watches some of Trump's deposition video, and finds out about MAGA rap. Plus we've got racist baseball announcers, stories from the road, deserve it videos, tinder messages, and missed connections! Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now, add your favorite music. And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024.

Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. Runk. Yeah, you know, it is what it is. And also, I'll be on tour. I'm on date. You know, I'm just back and forth. But I have a bunch of different tour dates coming up.

I'll be in Pueblo, Colorado. I will be in Salt Lake City and Boise. Boise, not Boise. Tricked you. Tucson, Arizona. Colorado Springs for some reason. Charlotte, North Carolina. Knoxville, Tennessee.

Little Rock, Arkansas for some reason. Memphis for some reason. Nashville, Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa, Montreal, Hamilton, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Orlando, Fort Myers, Florida, for some reason, Richmond, Virginia, but be more as I like to call it, Philadelphia and Reading, which is on sale now. A lot of people have been asking about that because I said it. I leaked it. It's the best kept secret. Oops, I guess that I just leaked it. But that was Reading is going to be in Pennsylvania.

So it's it's live now. But go to Chris Lee.com for your tickets. And, you know, without further ado, this is the next episode of Congratulations. Congratulations. So, guys, what the Frink? Dude, we got to incorporate that a little bit you know i'm done with swearing uh i got a kid now i got two kids now you know and uh i just got back from the road uh for in uh i was in columbus ohio and cincinnati and when i I was going, I was talking to somebody who's an Ohio native.

And he said, man, Columbus is cool. Cincinnati trash. Not what I said, not what I say. This is what I heard before I went. Okay. You know, and I'm just kind of soaking it in. I don't know if, you know, I don't really know much about Cincinnati. I've been there once, been to Columbus maybe two times, you know.

And went to Columbus. Guess what? It was fine. Went to Cincinnati, and it was absolutely banging. So the guy doesn't know, and that's okay because we all have different opinions, right? We do. We all have different opinions, and that We do. We all have different opinions. And that's fine.

But let me tell you something, dude. The first time, look, the shows were, of course, the shows were banging, right? Because, you know, I fill the seats. People fucking sit down. They don't sit down for too long because they got to jump up because they get so excited and they fucking start climbing. They go, oh, yeah, I got to sit back and do the show. Columbus, they go like

this. My crew, uh, Denny, uh, well, actually, no, they weren't even with us at that point. Um, but, uh, Sam camera guy, uh, my buddy who, uh, rolls with me, does all the tour vlogs, by the way. Uh, and, um, Chris Mako, my buddy came with me and then also David Sullivan came with me, the fat guy. So we, David's like, hey man, let's do the fucking, by the way, David Sullivan came with me. He's an actor, he's in stuff.

You got to watch him on Fatal Attraction. Watch Fatal Attraction on Paramount+. It's a good show. I'm into it. First show, look, I'm going to be honest, first show, Suck Donkey Balls, but then I got into it, right? I want there to be more of David. He's good. I'm into it. First show, look, I'm going to be honest. First show, Suck Donkey Balls. But then I got into it, right? I wanted to be more of David.

He's good. I wish he was the lead guy. First episode, Suck Donkey Balls. And then it got good, okay? Episode two, I was like, I don't know. Episode three, I'm in. But what does Paramount Plus do? Dude, they make you wait every week for a new episode.

So I'm pissed, right? Because remember when they invented streaming? That took that all out. And now streaming is going back to, oh, we're going to leak it out once a week. And I'm just like, dude, streaming lasts for like fucking five years and now they're going back to every week is a new episode like i had to deal with this shit with uh uh uh the fucking zombie one that everyone's saying is the next the last of us with pedro pascal um so david sullivan is an actor. He's a successful actor.

Loves coming on the road with us. Just likes doing it. You know why? He's running from something. We don't know what, but he's absolutely running from something. Okay? He loves,

you know what he loves? Moving and shaking, right? Like he's just like, you'll just be like, uh ski ball hi man i found two play i found two places and you're like how i just looked it up you're like i mentioned it 0.5 seconds ago you'll be like uh uh bumper cars hi man there's a place it's not 25 minutes ago so anyway uh we do this and we get there. By the way, but before I even get into that part, what we did with exploring the cities, David, I always say how he's fat.

Okay. He's, that's just the joke. I don't even know why I started saying it. Me and my brother started saying it. He's just a 46 year old guy. It's, there's no, he's just a 46 year old guy. It's there's no, he's just a guy. If you think of a guy who's 46 and then his, a guy's body who's 46, that's David's body guy. He's got guy body, right? You know, is he shredded? No, he's got guy body, right body right so so he's got his guy body the whole time right

and i talk about how fat he is and shit like that and he's like do you cut do you say i'm fat on your podcast i'm like why because people come on my instagram ding and so so i say to him uh so so he's doing he just comes and he goes and he works the merch booth just because he wants to. Right? Because we're running from something, dude. Okay? But he's like, I'll just work the merch. And he'll be texting me, man, I'm sweating out here.

I got some water. Ding. And, dude, so he says, so he's out there, does the merch thing. And he says, man, people come up to me, and he said, hey, you're not fat. And he says, you say I'm fat a lot? And I do, oh, yeah, all the time, bro. You got guy body. Dude, I know people say dad bod, I don't like that.

Because dad bod to me evokes kind of a little bit fatter. Guy body is worse. Like, guy body is worse because it's on the way to fat and it's like figure it out you know i'm saying like no but not everybody could have a fucking movie set on the back of their shoulders right they can't they can't they can't they can't carry a camera crew like your boy does right everybody's fucking tummy can't be a fucking mini ski slope black diamond level right it can't right can everybody mini ski slope, black diamond level, right? It can't. Right? Can everybody's chest have striations?

No. David's got a guy body. So it's all good. And so anyway, he does this thing where he's like, hey, man, you ever been on those lime scooters? And I was like, what? Truth be told, I did lime scooters once in a parking lot of a coffee bean in Tea Leaf.

And I put one foot on it and I hit the fucking, you know, the a little bit early and it just shot out from under me. I almost fell down. I didn't. But so we can't really count it as an accident. But I'm like, oh, I'm never touching these lime scooters again. And he was like, let's do it. We're in Columbus, Ohio. We had the whole day.

I'm like, all right, fucking let's try it, dude. And we did it. And it's not hard, dude. Lime scooters are, guess what, dude? It's not hard. And they're all fucking over everywhere. So we hopped on the lime scooters. And dude, like honestly.

Dude, like honestly, just wind in the hair. Just dude. And I'm doing immediately doing the thing where you're holding it and then you're moving the legs and you're doing it like this. And I'll tell you something, dude, I actually looked pretty fucking cool, man. And nobody could take that from me. Okay. I look pretty fucking cool. We've been in and out of the streets of Columbus, Ohio. I love love that there were people in columbus ohio that didn't know i

was in town for a show and saw me fucking race by you know fuck yeah dude it felt so euphoric and then i realized something about myself people say i don't like doing things oh yeah you don't like doing things though it's not the things i don't like doing i don't like being around too many people because also there was a cinco de mayo fucking thing in that was cincinnati right and dude it was they were just by the way cincinnati how the fuck does it have the mexican food was good in cincinnati crazy weird because it's not even close to mexico and there's like no Mexicans. There probably are, but... And I was around too many people

and I didn't want to be. But then we got those Lime Scooters and we did Lime Scooters in fucking Cincinnati and we banged it. And it was so dope, dude. And now I do Lime Scooters. Dude, honestly,

I'm going to drive down to Hollywood Boulevard, just pick up a Lime Scooter, leave my car, and just fucking go all around the place. I'm going to take pictures with the fucking Spider-Man on Hollywood and Highland and just zip out all around the place. I'm going to take pictures with the fucking Spider-Man on Hollywood and Highland

and just zip out, dude. I fucking honestly, those Lime Scooters are dope. I mean, this isn't a commercial, but I rolled around the city. I was out for like two hours. It cost 11 bucks, dude. So, you know.

You know? Um. The shows were amazing. Cincinnati was great. And Columbus was great. Bro, you know what actually happened? I take this fucking drink called Magic Mind. And it's great.

Okay? I love Magic Mind. And I take it with my coffee. And I'm not getting paid to say this, by the way. I'm not fucking being paid to say this, but I took this drink because my friend's like, you got to try this magic wine. I'm like, first of all,

it has the word magic in it. Go fuck yourself. He says, just try it. I said, okay, what is it? He says, it's just like got mushrooms and bullshit in it, make you feel good. Natural, all natural.

I'm like, okay. And then he says, you take it with your coffee. And guess what? You don't have to drink coffee the rest of the day. You're fucking, you're at a level of like activated, but not jittery. And I'm like, okay. Took it, dude. Alert city. Alert city. I was alert like a motherfucker. I was alert. I was practically a fucking private investigator the whole day. I was just like,

huh? Huh? Huh? And it's that big. And I took it with my coffee. Didn't drink any coffee the rest of the day. Dude, alert city. And I'll tell you what. I didn't bring it. So I've been drinking it for like two weeks. Didn't bring it to Columbus and Cincinnati. And I suffered from it. Hey, yes. Now, it doesn't have the kickback shit.

Like, you can stop taking it whenever you want. It's not like a drug or anything. But, yeah, man, it absolutely was killer. Magic mind. So need to bring it on the road. And you can carry it on a plane because it's like that big. It's a little bitch-ass keychain shit. But it's cool, man, it absolutely was killer. Magic Mind. So, need to bring it on the road. And you can carry it on a plane because it's like that big. It's little bitch-ass keychain shits.

But it's cool, man. Anyway. Sensational. I will say that I learned about MAGA rap because I was watching, I'd be watching Vice than a motherfucker. Vice is pretty, Vice is like,

they put out good shit on their youtube channels but also like anyone that works for vice i bet would be so fucking annoying at like the dinner table you know i'm talking about they'd just be like we sat down with some turkey we sat down with a family and some turkey it might not be your typical family it might not be your typical turkey. It might not be your typical turkey. But let me tell you something. It worked. But anyway, I watched one video on Vice.

I don't know what these people are. Some people are just in with YouTube. You watch one video and then all of a sudden your homepage is just fucking it's Vice, Vice, Vice, everything's Vice. So I saw this one thing on MAGA Rap, which I didn't know was a thing. It's a thing, dude. MAGA Rap is basically it started with Trump. And these dudes do a rap about Trump. They rap about Trump and they rap about, look at this.

This is MAGA rap. Here we go. Who is it? Oh, this guy says the worst music ever made. You know. Mega rap. Who's the guy? Foyato.

Blow. That's it. Dude, I was fucking farting on the plane today. Pretending like I had no idea who it was. I was, dude. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know, man. Is that bad on the plane today, pretending like I had no idea who it was. I was, dude. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know, man. Is that bad?

It is bad, right? This is called Teflon Don. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Wait. Wait, if I play this, I'll probably get demonetized because of a fucking Teflon Don. Major new developments involving former president donald j trump trump saying today he expects to be arrested on tuesday and is calling for protests

i heard the feds want to lock up uncle trump uncle trump dude uh also the i love maggie man hey it's over Trump, dude. Also, I love Maga. Man, hey, it's over. The thing about this music is you got to fucking, this guy's name is Forgiato Blow. But, dude, here's the thing about this is, this guy has to make, he has to do it so quickly when the thing happens. Because it's like, news will happen. It'll be like, got to make a song about this.

Like the whole Kyrie Irving, is that the guy's name? Because he tweeted that thing against the Jews, right? That was him? And he was like, this is bullshit that they suspended him or whatever. And then they were like, he said to him, he was like, this guy, Foggiato Blow, was like, I love that Kyrie Irving did that and he didn't apologize. And then they started making a song.

As they were making the song kairi irving apologized and the guy was like yo we can't make this song anymore because he bitched out and the other guy was like yeah but you know he didn't take the vaccine so i'm still kind of on my kairi irving shit i'm just like oh Make it fit your agenda. Um, it is crazy, man, that Trump still has his fucking tentacles out there in people. By the way, I'm not talking, no hate on nobody, dude.

Joe Biden. No hate on nobody. They're all, every politician is corrupt. Yes, dude, yes, every politician is corrupt. Yes yes every politician is corrupt yes dude but it's okay where would you rather live where they fucking cut off your hand for stealing no

you can steal whatever you want nowadays and they won't even lock you up so they'll just be like okay now um I'm feeling I'm feeling good I'm happy at the uh what's this here I'm feeling good. I'm happy at the... What's this here?

What's this here? Oh, yeah. This was the craziest thing that has happened in a long time. And I bet we'll have to bleep this out. But this is the Oakland A's announcer. You know what? I'm just going to play it. First of all, of all the gun left looks like a muppet but here it is we had a phenomenal day today totally normal totally normal totally normal so far we had a phenomenal day today and you're just sitting in sitting down buckling up you go dude i'm gonna check out the a's

and the best thing about the a's is it brings people together you know baseball is america's pastime fuck man they had they had a phenomenal day i'm gonna have a phenomenal day so here we go here we go we're gonna play it again we had a phenomenal day today. League Museum. And Arthur Bryan's barbecue. Dude, dude, dude. What a plug for Arthur Bryan's barbecue dude dude dude what a plug for Arthur Brian's barbecue by the way

you know I'm gonna plug you because we went out we went to Arthur what is it Arthur fucking and Arthur Brian's barbecue I'm gonna plug your thing so that's great oh yeah just listen to it a guy from Arthur Bryant's Barbie. Arthur Bryant's Barbie. I'm going to plug your thing. So that's great.

Oh, yeah, just listen to it. A guy from Arthur Bryant's Barbie. Oh, my God. It's Negro League. Also, hey, black people, you're tricking us. You know? Somebody, old guys are going to fuck this up. He said the N-word league. A guy, you say it.

A guy, you say it in private lots. Or maybe not. Because here's the thing. It might be, now I know a lot of people are like, oh, fuck it. You can tell he says it a lot. Fuck him. And you don't know if that's true. He could have had a brain fart.

Could be a total guy. Dude, I'll tell you right now, I never say the N-word. Like, just straight up. I never say it in private. I never say the n-word like just straight up i never say in private i never say it with my friends never say it as a joke and i just don't say it it's not part of my vocabulary if i was doing the the thing right and i'm gonna say oh here it comes in my head like we had a fantastic day today oh god i gotta say the negro league thing i hope i gotta say it right oh no if i don't and then as And then as I'm saying Negro, I say, whoopsie. And I'm thinking Negro so much.

Got to say Negro. Can't say uh. And then if you think at the last second before you're about to say it, can't say uh. Can't say Negro. Got to say uh. And then you say it and you go, oh, oh, for fucks. This guy shouldn't. I don't know if this guy should be fired.

I get that you have to kind of maybe suspend him, which is what they're doing. But this is who has to be fired. The guy next to him who just goes like this. Hey, guy, how did you not go on live TV? The guy says the N-word. You don't just go, oh. That would have been me, dude. Here's me next to him.

We had a phenomenal day today. Major League Museum. Oh. And Arthur Bryan's car. Oh, shit, man. Oh, I have nothing to do with that. This guy's made a, wow. So that sucks for this guy, right?

Look at this. Somebody writes, you guys are so soft, it's an accident. And then somebody says, blacks look for any reason to flip out. Hey, hey, hey. The worst reason. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Like, this is so bad, you know? Oh, just come on.

Here we go. Rolled off his tongue too easy. That's the right. That's it. There you go, wow, I mean, this is just, look at this, this is just the devolvement of like, when you just go to, by the fourth comment, everyone is just like, and that's why I don't use fucking Frigidaire, you pieces of shit.

You're like, how do I get the refrigerators? Uh-oh. Wow. Pretty crazy. Yeah, wow. Well. Bro, the King Cornation, you know? Stop it.

Just stop it, dude. S-e-s-grand. Dude, every outfit is $190,000. So slow, dude. Just so boring. Hey, if you watch the King's Coronation, you fucking suck. You're boring, huh? You're just straight up so boring.

Look at the music. Sucks, dude. This is like the music that should happen when you walk into Universal fucking studios. Oh, dude. I here present you. Like, get out of here with your dry cock, you know? And to you, King Charles. Oh, so bullshit.

I here present to you, King Charles. Why are you getting coronated now? Your undoubted king. Wherefore, all you who are come this day. Singing. I here present to you King Charles I've got a dry cock.

Armage and service. Are you willing to do the same? God save King Charles. Morons. Dude, this is a fucking Adam Sandler movie waiting to happen, you know? Adam Sandler's just like,

yes, I'll be the king, you know? Who? Yeah, I'll be the king. Can I bring my cat? You know know there'd be a cat in it moving the walls god this sucks to have to do this you know the way they walk wind up toys dude this sucks oh my god bro and they get too. They get you at a really young age. And you're like, I've always said this in this podcast.

Tradition sucks, dude. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. How much bad breath is in there, you know? Worst music. Worst music, dude. Zero handsome people. Looks like a scene from E.T. for real.

The grandest music of all time. We hope you had fun on the Jurassic Park ride. Exit to your left. Such a lull, you know? The worst hat. A crown is the worst hat. Like, I would wear a fucking fedora before I would wear a goddamn crown. Wow, dude.

This sucks. Huh? Like, just straight up? Worst, most uncomfortable chair of all time. I mean, can't place it right, you know. Is that good? Yeah. Okay. You look fucking horrible. Okay, can I step back here? So much gold. God save the king! God save the king!

God save the king! Bro, it's 2020 fucking cock-sucking three. Dude, biggest hat of all time. It just goes over his shoulders. Oh, we need a small... Oh, God. We need a smaller one. Farting.

Star Wars. Superman, dude. Superman music! I love it, dude. I, William, Prince of Wales, pledge my loyalty to you, and faith and truth I will bear unto you. Oh, damn, he's got a good voice. As a wise man of life and limb. Hey, man.

Help me, God. Hey, man. Shave it. Hey, man. Shave it. Hey, Bubba. Shave it. Hey, man. Shave it. Hey, Bubba. Shave it. Never had a more perfectly bald just top

than that guy. What's his name? Prince Charles? Prince William, yeah. Hey, man. Shave it. So slow. Oh, now he's... Let me put one on you now. I'll put a put one on you now. I'll put a fucking crown on you. You're a queen, right?

There we go. Okay. Something sucks. Just make sure it's there. Fucking goddamn trumpet, son. Am I the king now? Woo! This summer, the king dies and fucking Brent has to take his place.

Can I be my cat? This whole thing is a fucking Adam Smith. Rob Schneider's in the back. Hey, what's up king just wait how many views does this have 183 000 views that's nothing that's that's that that just goes to show you that i mean we get more views on this podcast you know That just goes to show you that, I mean, we get more views on this podcast, you know? God, Britain people just need to fucking give it up, huh?

Give it up. A giant penis was mowed into the grass at the site of a coronation party. Okay, give it up. Huge cock and balls did really good too looks really nice that's so good dude a neighborhood known for its perfect lawns that was due to host this lavish party to celebrate the coronation of king charles the third this weekend has been vandalized in a rather distinct way residents of royal crescent in bath england awoke on Thursday, May 4th, to find an enormous penis and balls had been... Also, the fact that they're saying penis and not testicles, they're saying and balls, you know?

Penis and some fucking... I don't know what another slang word is for fucking penis and for balls. An enormous penis and balls with a bunch of cum in it had been mowed into the grass on an otherwise immaculately maintained lawn, that is. It didn't splurt yet, but unfortunately visible from pretty much every house on the street just in time for the Royals' festivities. Cums located in the balls. The local community has been planning a Georgian-themed event to coincide with Charles' ascent to the throne and is expected to go ahead as planned.

They were veiny. Despite the addition of a new set of crown jewels to location. Get it? Crown jewels are like balls. Balls have cum in it. Anyway, Charles was officially... Dude, it was circumcised. So Charles was officially sworn a king. Dude, props to this guy who you know it was one of those lawnmowers that he sat into which is so gangster man that's great i i just i wish they still had it and they were on the lawn and they didn't even notice because it was too big and they couldn't see and then somebody got like a good year of limp blimp thing of it. And they were on the tip of the penis. And we got shots of the fucking king on the tip of the penis. The Weeknd doesn't want to be The Weeknd anymore.

So that's cool. What's up with... Bro, everyone loses their mind, huh? Everyone Puff Daddy was Puffy, Puff Daddy, then Diddy. Prince was Prince. These artist formerly known as Prince. The Weeknd doesn't want to be The Weeknd anymore. Who does it want to be? In a new interview with W Magazine, musician Abel Tesfaye,

better known by his moniker The Weeknd, hinted that this time inhabiting that particular pop star persona may be coming to a close. I'm going through a cathartic path right now. Hey, dude, congratulations, you're a 20-year-old chick for saying that. I don't know. It's like I'm just going through a cathartic path right now. So it's getting to a place or a time where I'm getting ready To close the weekend chapter

I'll still make music maybe as able Maybe as the weekend but I still want to Kill the weekend and I will Eventually I'm definitely trying to shed the skin And be reborn Hey guy dude you're just a guy And also let us know when you are going to do it You don't need to fucking prep us you know

Hey just so you guys know I'm going to be changing my name Oh cool man It's just like i'm shedding that persona the album i'm working on now will probably be my last hurrah as the weekend i mean saying so many different things i might do it i might not do it this album probably the last one of the weekend that'll be able or something else this is something that i have to do as the weekend i've said everything i could say and dude you're still that guy. Wow, I love the weekend.

We can make some good music, right? Tesfaye described his last album, 2022's Dawn FM, as part of a new trilogy. Dude, that's what I got to do, man. I got to have a fucking trilogy of comedy specials. Fuck. My new special that's going to come out that I shot, that's fucking bonkers. Best thing I ever did. That's the beginning of a new trilogy, man.

Or, I don new trilogy, man. Or, I don't know, man. And then I'm going to call my next special, whatever the title is, the title and then reloaded. And then revolutions. Oh, wow. That would be so dope, dude.

And the last special, I wear the fucking long trench coat and those bitch ass sunglasses that he wears. Dude, how wear the fucking long trench coat and those bitch ass sunglasses that he wears. Dude, how about the scenes in The Matrix when he was just like, whenever they want to go see the Oracle, the first one when he sees the Oracle, it's cool. And then it got so annoying. It's like, you see what you want to see. You're like, all right, dude, I've seen this 900 times before.

I saw Twilight, dude. I saw Twilight today on the plane, dude. I'll tell you one thing about twilight man i gotta hand it to the fucking the way that they made that movie and it's it's it's good and it and it's good and that's it dude and the acting isn't necessarily top notch but it was all the first things that they did. Movie was entirely too gray. Everything in it was gray. It was only shades of gray. There was no like, the only thing red was the car, the pickup truck, that fucking whatever her name did, had in it.

But I love Robert Pattinson, man. I love that guy. And I know he listens to this podcast sometimes. hey robert pattinson dude probably didn't listen to it anymore because he's batman but um love robert pattinson uh love taylor lautner uh attractive as shit um it was okay you know the movie was good. Too gray. And I should be in it. What I don't get is the fucking... I watched Twilight.

I watched Twilight. And everyone in it was so pale. And we hung out with them for a while. And then the vampires showed up. And then they were even more pale. And it's like... I guess the Indian people were were tan right taylor lautner he was tan i gotta be fucking tan dude i'm a bad color

we watched the movie um on the plane the same time and we text each other life hack dude straight up fucking we do that we pick movies and we text each other. Life hack, dude. Straight up, fucking we do that. We pick movies and we watch them, fucking, and we text each other while we do it

and we start at the title card and I count down, dude, and I count down from 10 and then we do it and we text each other and we laugh so hard, dude. That's so much better than the fucking King's Coronation.

It's unbelievable. It was so dope and it's so funny and we laugh so hard and coronation it's unbelievable it was so dope uh and it's so funny and we laugh so hard we talk about how fat david is and shit and sometimes and then david ah who cares dude i'm not talking about that anymore yes dude i do what i want i do what i want dude you should do what you want to here we go here we go spain's women race women's race apologizes for food processor nonfat gifts. People be apologizing for everything.

Madrid, the organizers of a women's running race in Spain, apologized Monday after the winner was offered a food processor to take home, sparking accusations of sexism. The 7-kilometer Carrera de la Mujer women's race issued a statement on Twitter saying it hadn't considered the kitchen appliance donated by a sponsor would have sexist implications. Oh, because they gave her a fucking kitchen appliance, dude. Dude, Spain is so sexist. Congratulations. Yes, this is great.

Amazing. Amazing. Here's an apron, bitch. Hey, you won Good job Here is a nurse uniform And fucking clean this room That's so funny dude

That's like You can totally do that And just think it's nice And then just We apologize We consider this product A product with no sexist character And a deal for any athlete

Who wants to improve Their nutritional habits Tits or not What if that's what they said The statement statement said, we regret if any woman felt offended. Tits or not. The organizer promised to take measures to avoid similar incidents in the future. I mean, dude, I love how they always take measures. Like, hey, we got to take measures. Hey, just don't do that anymore. That's the only measure you got to take measures. Hey, just don't do that anymore. That's the only measure you got to take.

Don't give somebody a fucking blender after they win a race. That's not. Serb national Ivana Zagorek won the race in 24 minutes, 7 seconds Sunday in an amateur event, which. Okay. seven seconds Sunday in an amateur event, which, okay. The food processor controversy went largely unnoticed until Angela Rodriguez, Pam, Spain's Secretary of State for Equality, tweeted that the winner had received a food processor and others were given 0% fat products. Dude, this is it.

The snitcher. There we go. There's always a snitcher. The Angela Rodriguez. Hey, you need to go. It wasn't a problem until you fucking brought it up. You're snitcher. The Angela Rodriguez. Hey, you need to go. It wasn't a problem until you fucking brought it up. You're snitching. Back in 2001, nobody was snitching.

And now we got the secretary of state. Spain's secretary of state for equality. That's a title. The fact that that's even a thing. Okay, fine. Whatever. I think everyone should be equal. But dude, stop snitching.

Fucking, now she's shaming them. She should be shamed for snitching. If you win, housewife. If you win, housewife. And if not, at least you'll lose weight. Oh, got it. That's what she tweeted. The race is previously featured t-shirts with the slogan,

Today the girls win. Okay, so what about that? Tweet about how that's good, huh? Where are you now, Secretary of State for Equality? Did you see what Trump said about the thing? This is why people love him. What Trump said about when in the deposition, when he was just like Trump,

Trump deposition about the, this is it. Now, are you familiar with the one by the name of Natasha Stoyanov? No. Smashed her to oblivion. He goes like this. No. Smashed her to oblivion. He goes like this. No. Smashed her to oblivion. Stoynoff. So pissed.

You'll have to give me a little bit of a back- Do you remember she wrote about you a lot when she worked at People Magazine? Oh, I do remember there was some woman- Oh, I do remember there was some woman. Oh, contempt. That wrote, and then she, a long time later, I think she wrote a wonderful story. And then a long time later, as I remember it, a long time later, she said that I was aggressive with her. But she wrote the most beautiful story. And then all of a sudden like is it a year or two years later she comes out with this phony story that I was regret I said well why would she have written such a good story for People

magazine she wrote a really nice piece agree and is odd all of a sudden like you know years or months many months later she came up with this phony charge. Let's watch a video. Again, I apologize for the technology where you talk about Ms. Stoynoff's allegations. Are we marking this? Oh, boy. We're going to mark it. It's a clip of a video from a campaign event in West Palm Beach on October 13, 2016.

And we're going to mark it as DJT36. Where's the part where he does the thing? You know what I'm talking about? Have you seen it? No, no. Hold on. Then there was a writer from People Magazine. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. He wrote a story on Melania and myself. Oh, boy. About to be off the rails. On our first anniversary. The story was beautiful. It. Ah. Oh, boy. I mean, dude, playing the crowd so hard, dude. Oh, no. Come on.

People grabbing pussies while they're doing it. Why wasn't it part of the story that appeared 20 or 12 years ago? Why wasn't it part of the story? Why didn't they make it part of the story? I was one of the biggest stars on television. And it would have been one of the biggest stories of the year. Think of it. She's doing this story on Melania, who's pregnant at the time.

And Donald Trump, our one-year anniversary. And she said I made inappropriate advances. And by the way, the area was a public area. People all over the place. All right, let's go there. You'd agree with me that the person you were just talking about in that video was Natasha Stoyanov, correct? Yes.

Are you familiar with a woman by the name of Jessica Leeds? No, I don't think so. Explain, go ahead. Does that mean that this refreshed your recollection of who Jessica Leeds is? Yes, it does. This woman made up a story, just like your client made it up. Yeah. Just made up a story, having to do with sitting next to me in an airplane.

Era. Aeroplane. And I mean, I'll have to read this again, but that story was so false also. But this was, I guess, making out as opposed to what your client said. This story was so false. This is a disgrace also. And do you recall speaking about Ms. Leeds' allegations at campaign events in 2016? I might have. I thought it was so... Come on, where's the part? Why do they make it seven minutes? Okay. When you said in that video that Ms. Leeds would not be your first choice, you were referring to her physical looks, correct? Just the overall. I look at her. I see her. I hear what she says. Whatever. You wouldn't be a choice of mine either, to be honest with you. I hope you're not insulted.

I would not, under any circumstances, have any interest in you. Keep going. Keep going. I'm honest when I say it. Ah, doesn't mean you're not a dick. She I would not have any interest in you. Keep going, keep going. I'm being, I'm honest when I say it. Oh, doesn't mean you're not a dick, dick. She, I would not have any interest in. Oh. The video we just watched, where you talked about Miss.

I just, just, look, she's, you're a dog. You're a dog. You look like a dog. You look like a basset hound, you know? You look like a basset hound, and I would never be into you. I don't fuck dogs, so, you know? Dude, that's awesome.

This guy. Wow. dog so you know dude that's awesome this guy wow what a fucking crit just it's wwe that's fucking wild um oh i saw this dude hilton hotel manager arrested for waking up guests by sucking on his toes did you see this did you see this yeah dude mugshot unreal hair so bad here we go nashville tennessee dude let's just play this out honestly so this is what happened uh a hotel manager a hotel manager was arrested and charged friday for entering a guest room and sucking on the customer's toes david neal 52 was charged in a aggravated burglary and suffering all right suck on his toe so so so check it out dude so this will happen right What?

Oh, fuck. Ah, freeze. Oh, shit, dude. what oh fuck ah freeze oh shit dude yo that is the worst crime dude hey dude at least get some money about out of it yay dude worst crime of all time walked and snuck in suck the guy's toes dude that honestly that's pretty gangster dude i gotta i gotta i know it's assault but it's that one is the most Honestly? That's pretty gangster, dude. I know it's assault, but that one is the most weirdest gangster. What's up with foot guys, huh?

Hey, they're feet. I have a friend who loves foot. Has a foot fetish, dude. Very popular comedian. Won't expose him. But crazy. Loves feet. You know when you're on the porn when you're on the porn sites and then you see the one thumbnail and the chick's just like

hey i skipped past that one man not a foot guy um While investigating a complaint, officers discovered that Neal, working as a night manager at the time, made a key card and entered a guest's room. I don't understand why. You'd think that they'd do it more and that this would happen all the time. The guest recognized Neal because the day before he came into the room with another employee to fix an issue with the television on his phone. Ew, dude. Neal claimed that he had entered a room because he smelled smoke and was checking on the victim. However, the night manager did not report this issue to security.

All right, dude. And then it went, I love it when he's like, oh, yeah. Because he walked in to do the thing. He walked in to fix the room, and then he was like, ah. There was a moment where he was like, yeah, I'm going to do that toe-sucking thing. This is the guy. And guess what happened in Tennessee?

No shit. Oh, fuck. 27,000 bail for fucking sucking on toes. Hey, what are you in here for? Oh, I fucking killed the family. What are you in here for? I sucked on a client's, I sucked on a customer's toes. People are fucking nuts bro this is why the thing about trump it's like people do make shit up man like look at this women charged with faking her own abduction to hide the fact that

she dropped out of college whoa Dropped out of college. Whoa. Is it on? Oh, no, sir. There was a scare that went on through the entire community. But after more than 20 hours of searching for Chloe Stein and questioning... We found out she was just lazy as shit. ...included Stein's disappearance was all a lie.

That lie included the report she was a college senior, a detail that can be seen on her Instagram bio reading PSU23. One of the things that came to light while we were searching for you was this college thing. This college, your family thinks you're graduating on Saturday. That's not happening. You know you're not graduating on Saturday. I reached out to Penn State Greater Allegheny this morning. They tell me Stein hasn't been enrolled at any Penn State campus since the fall 2018 semester. That is one of the big reasons police changed their approach to this investigation. I don't know, man. I believe her. I mean, believe all women, you know.

I think that she was abducted, even still. Her boyfriend tried to contact her again, and the police said, bro, and this is hilarious, but, you know, women don't lie, so... They don't lie, right? And if you say that, then people will just shame you to oblivion, right?

They'll say you do violence. All right. I had to go to the bathroom there was a little cut there what do you guys do for the fourth may the fourth be with you may the fourth be with you is the darkest thing I've ever heard in my life and it keeps going and here's the thing about the fourth be with you thing

is that's just going to be around for the rest of my life I'm going to have to live and keep being around that. You understand how that happens? That sucks. You ever think about that? That you're going to have to like, the fact that I have to be alive now the whole time in my life while Kim, while the Kardashians or something like that's the actual light. That's the era i live in you know at least back when there wasn't the internet or tv like you didn't have to do that like even around napoleon times like napoleon could be pillaging

and shit or gangas con could be fucking coming in and just you know but you just don't be around that you'd be like i don't have to really deal with it you know unless he invades but i'll find a remote place and it's like now if you don't like somebody they're just gonna be on tv the whole time and even if not you gotta pick up your phone you gotta see the fucking kardashians i gotta see i gotta see the latest deals on skims or whatever the fuck i know why do i know about kardashians fucking spanks company i gotta know about skims and i gotta know about it a healthy amount because she's so fucking famous, dude. I got to know about this.

Right? So that's the era I live in. And now I got to be just hearing about May the 4th be with you just basically once per year for the rest of my life. I got to hear it's going to be May every May. Oh, for the rest of my life, it's going to happen. When will that dwindle out, right? Maybe when Calvin gets to be 80? I'll be long gone, though, dude.

Except for maybe transcendence will be real or whatever the fuck, you know? It's all fucked. Let's do Deserve It scale. These are great. Just some mild tailgating. Well, let me know how this is going to end. Road rage.

Oh, he fucking smashed him. Oh, my God. Oh. I mean, he's just fucking. And the airbags went up. What a fucking moron, dude. Top 10. Top 10.

What a moron, dude. Just crashing into him and fucking airbag exploded. What a loser-ass motherfucker. Fuck yeah, dude. Love it. Oh, that one got removed. Reddit. It's pretty impressive until it wasn't.

Here we go. Oh, he's doing calisthenics. On the Jenga tower. Well, he's gonna fuck his nose up, huh? No! God damn. Jenga. Worst Jenga commercial.

How did he think it was going to end? Thank God he didn't fucking scorpion it. You know what I mean? Bro, if I scorpioned, I'd be like, oh, I'm dead. Right then. That guy didn't scorpion though, so that's okay. Let's see if I canioned, I'd be like, oh, I'm dead. Right then. That guy didn't scorpion, so that's okay. Let's see if I can score. Here we go.

Guys at the beach. Oh, I was going to kick the football. No. No. Oh, no. I mean, dude. Oh, no. I mean, dude, the... Oh, no. The bitch ass with the camera, too.

Dude, I love how in the background it was just... Like it was a fucking car auction. That's not his fault, whoever was out there. That sucks. Fuck that guy for kicking a football, period. Don't ever kick footballs. Honestly. Unless you're one of the Eagles.

Here's another one. Here we go. Hope they get hurt. Hate foreigners. Just kidding. Oh, he's going to go flying off into here. Oh, my God. That's a thing so dangerous.

I knew what was going to happen. Oh, dude. That fucked him up so bad he turned American. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I mean, so fucking... So French.

So French! So French. Turns English. Turn American. Dude, the worst was when the lady goes, right when it happens. She doesn't even know shit how much it hurt. Right there, right there. Oh, God, you know? Oh, boy, she busted.

Ah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That guy's got no anus anymore, huh? It's all clogged up. I would, if that happened to me, I would just choose to die me I would just choose to die I would just go like this oh that's it life nope

what was the last thing he said he goes like this nope real quick like that here we go let's look at these tinder shits great this person had a tinder profile for approximately 24 hours. They write, I'm scared of you. The other person writes, here's a suggestion. I could invite you

over to play with some colorful balls for a while. Hit. And then afterwards, you could pretend to be my mother and breastfeed me from your hopefully lactating teats. Bro, just say tits, you know? Worst part is that he said teats. Alternatively, we could... Alternatively, dude? Who's this guy? Mr. And... From, what do you call it?

The Matrix? Here's a suggestion. I could invite you over to play with some colorful balls for a while. Then afterwards, you can pretend to be my mother and breastfeed me from your hopefully lactating teats. Alternatively, we could find someone weak to bully. Wow. I mean, you know,

or I can show you how to make, oh, still the guy, or I can show you how to make exquisite garlic bread and pasta from scratch. Wow. Put the last part in just in case the teats thing wasn't going to work out, you know? Garlic from scratch. Lead with that. More of a romantic style date than sucking from her teats. Here we go. Here's another one.

Don't let your dreams be dreams. Here we go. Here's another one. Don't let your dreams be dreams. Here we go. I visit last year. Safaran. Cool. Did you like it? Yes. I got threesome. Oh, dude. Right to it. Sounds good. What are you looking for this time? He writes foursome. Wow. dude love it this guy's gangster man uh right to it man that's how your boy would always do it back when fucking he was all right well he got in trouble so um here we go is another one and uh something tells me she has daddy issues here we go uh lawyer daddy issues stop being nice to me i got daddy issues i'm gonna fall in love if you're tall i'll love you blue eyes my weakness i want a proud daddy of me and your dad died early okay all good all good dad died when you were eight it's all good your dad died when you were eight

they go happy birthday. It goes, oh. And she, you know, starts sucking lots of cocks. That's what happens. That's what happens. Let's do Miss Connections. Here we go. Missing a larger F.

Just say female. Not the part that's going to be weird, you know? Mid-20s, black, Polynesian, male, 5'11", muscular build, DDF. I don't know what that is. Looking for a thick, plus-sized lady friend for some activities. Wow. Okay. My flip-flops, number 11.

Hi, I have flip-flops, number 11 for you. Nice and clean flip-flops, number 11. Hi, I have flip-flops, number 11 for you. Nice and clean flip-flops like new mail here. I mean, fucking Kinky Rain Man. Hi, I have flip-flops, number 11 for you. Nice and clean flip-flops like new mail here. Special exercise partner needed. Redondo. Special.

Wow. Could sure stand some exercise. Some special exercise is what I need. How about you? Looking for a she type. Oh, this is my favorite one of all time, dude. CD player needs repair. And then

the body of it, get the music playing. needs repair and then the body of it get the music playing people show up looking to suck dicks nah i just want the fucking thing to be cleaned out come on here's not one more thick woman at whole foods i was the little guy 50 years old who picked up the ball pepper the bell pepper you dropped i wanted to put my arms around your waist so badly skinky so specific you have a big butt so shapely and firm derriere i hope we meet again hell in a handbasket you know all right well that's it chrislea.com if you want to go i'll be in nashville i'll be in all sorts of cities and dates and all that shit.

Go to – they got the Reading date in Pennsylvania up. Philadelphia, I got Pueblo, Colorado for some reason and Little Rock, Arkansas. And Boise, I'll be there this week, next week. And Salt Lake City, I'll be there next week. But a bunch of other ones. Tucson is coming up. Hey, that's it for the YouTube episode. If you want the raw, the uncut, the unedited, the, you know, the gangbusters episode on Patreon, go over to patreon.com.

You will get it all as it's intended, not the cut up version, no ads. And also you will get every month we have an episode extra for the Patreon, and you will be getting that every month. Not only that, you will be getting all the backlogs of the Patreon episodes that we've done. There's like almost 30 of them. So go to get them. You can do that right now, and it's just $6. So check it out and stuff. Thank you very much.

Leave a comment. Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you scared fucking bastard! Fuck this motherfucker right here, you motherfucking clown! You motherfucking...