Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 317. Fake Tweets

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content over on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia Chris is back from Boise and Salt Lake City and he's checking out fake tweets, Instagram inspiration and more. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Uh-oh, Tucson, Arizona, the Linda Ronstadt Music Hall. June 17th, I am going to be there doing my show. That is the Don't Push Me Tour. That is the time I will be. That is my next tour date, June 17th. Pueblo, Colorado, June 23rd. June 24th, Colorado Springs.

Charlotte, North Carolina, almost sold out Knoxville, Tennessee, Little Rock, Arkansas Why am I going there? And so it's on and popping, my babies A bunch of other ones too, I'm doing Canada Montreal is almost sold out So that's what's up Reading, I'm going to be Reading

Pennsylvania Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Baltimore That's how I like to go. I like to go be more. I like to go be more, though. Anyway, I like to go be more memorable. You know what I mean? Yeah, so you know what I mean?

So anyway, dude, welcome to the next, the new episode of Congratulations. Hey, yo, what's up, players and playettes, dude? That's how I do it. I got to be like that. I got to say players and playettes like I'm a dad. I'm a dad, dude. I got two kids now. I got to say players and playettes and stuff.

What up, guys? Hey, how's it going? How's it going? What's up? 50 cent? 50 cent? When people, when dads do that? How's it going? What's up? 50 Cent? 50 Cent? When dads do that? Oh, yeah, it's years old. Nice. Good. Good for him.

Good for him. 50 Cent really be balling, huh? Got to make him money. Took quarter water, sold it, did it. What the, huh? Took quarter water, put it in, marketed it, and then put it in the stores. What the heck? Or whatever the song. Can't say the F word yet because we just started the podcast. water, put it in it Smoked it in it And then put it in the stores What the heck? Or whatever, the song Can't say the F word yet

Because we just started the podcast Anyway, dude, I need to get more yachts And was a dude Oh, oh, so, dude First of all, like and subscribe Oh, and you know what? Get that Grow or Die merch That's just popping

That's just flying off the That's just flying off the shelves Grow or die merch I got the hoodie I got the two different versions It's really really really cool And I see them out at shows Man people be wearing my merch out at the shows

That's the uniform That's the uniform When people say people be wearing your merch a lot I go that's the uniform So Yeah I was in Where was I this past weekend? Where was I? I was in Salt Lake city and the other one was Boise. I have never been more famous than when I'm in Boise. I swear to God. And so that's good. So thank you. So, so good job me. Thank you

very much, dude. Uh, walked down the street and everybody wanted pictures. It's all good. I don't know what's going on with Boise. I thought Boise wasn't as I say Boise because I'm like, I'm like that. I'm like the locals, dude. That's what they say. When people say Boise, cringe because that's not what it is. Is it a Z? No, it actually looks like Boise. It does. But it's Boise. That's what it is.

And I was in Boise and it was awesome. I played an arena. I played an arena. I played the first arena I ever played. What they do is they split it down the middle there, and then you play to one half. So maybe next time I go back, I play the whole thing, right?

Like I'm a team. But it was the hockey arena. It was really cool. And it was actually wild playing in an arena. They got that delay. Like you say something, and then you hear it. And then also everyone's way more playing in an arena, they got that delay. Like you say something and then you hear it. And then also everyone's way more drunk in an arena. For some reason, an arena is just like,

a theater is nice. Like I played Salt Lake City. I'll get to that in a little bit. But I played Salt Lake City, and the theater was beautiful. We'll get to that. But it was a big theater and just nice. Boise, absolutely pandemonium. And it was, you know, I mean, just the drunk people, a woman got kicked out in the front row because when I got on stage, she turned around to everybody and started dancing.

She started dancing and I was like, okay, listen, you got to sit down. And then she was like, very loud and very drunk and very obnoxious. And so then I said, they're going to throw you out. You know, I'm really, I'm, you know, I'm pulling for you. And she was like, kept talking and then they threw her out. And then every time someone gets thrown out, this is their face. When I look out in the audience, they go like this. Well, be a person. The thing is, piece of shit, right? Be a person instead of piece of shit. And her and the woman she was with had to leave, and the dudes that they were with stayed.

So props to them, dude. That is the most best thing you can do in the world. So that's so cool if your chick or dude gets thrown out and you stay, or if you're a homie and your homie gets thrown out and you stay, or if you're, you know, having a girl's night and one of the ladies gets thrown out and then the other lady stays, that's balling and people who come to my show are balling. So, uh, did Boise. It was really, um, fun, dude. I said this before on this podcast, but I'm saying it again. Okay. Boise is absolutely, it's an ill place. It is so, so good. It's rad. It's dope. It's all that stuff that was popular

in the 90s, saying that stuff in the 90s. No, but it really is very cool. Dude, you like breweries? They got breweries out to Wazoo. You like breweries? They got breweries out to Wazoo. You like coffee shops? They got coffee shops out to Wazoo. You like walking around having a good time? They got walking around having a good time at Wazoo. Dude, nice restaurants? Check.

Lime scooters? Check. Out to Wazoo. So we took lime scooters. We hopped off. Yeah, I was wearing Balenciaga shoes. And yeah, I was wearing walking around all day and on the lime scooters. Yeah, hurt my fucking bones. Dude, it wasn't even,

you know how you, this how bad the Balenciaga shoes are. Now they, do they look? Absolutely. Do they look, do they look good? Absolutely. Right. Do they look good? Yeah. Okay. He puts them on. Does it hurt? Yeah. But his fashion pain? Yeah. So does he wear them anyway? Yeah. So I put on the Balenciaga as I walked around and oh my God, it hurts so bad. And it wasn't even the skin. You know how some shoes are bad on your feet and they give you blisters? Balenciaga goes like this. We're going to take one further. Dude, we're going to hurt your bones. We're going to make it think like you broke your feet. Yeah. We don't fuck with the skin. We with the bones so there you go spurs for you um my feet hurt still like i'm an old lady like i have plantar fasciitis and it's unbelievable

now do the blintz soccer shoes look amazing yes they do are they you know what i mean yeah so i wore them and they're and they're great but they fashioned his pain and so I kept on. And then I had to take them off. Whatever, dude. This podcast, I talk about the hard-hitting issues and right now we're talking about my foot pain. So, was on the Lime Scooters, bolted around Boise, heard this a lot.

Was that Chris Lee? And then took a flight to Salt Lake City. Boise is awesome. Okay? Boise is awesome. Salt Lake City, awesome. Okay? Now, both awesome, different reasons. Boise, first of all, and this isn't

why it's good, but I just want you to know what you're getting into. No blacks there unless you bring them. Okay. I've two people who helped me do my show. They go on before me. They're both, they both happen to be black. Don't care about if they are or not. I mean, I care for them. That's nice. You know, Live the culture and do all that. Opener, equal opportunity. Doesn't matter. Brought them. They were the only blacks there in Idaho.

I don't understand what's up with Idaho, but I do kind of, you're going to be like, well, what's the whitest place you might be like, well, Idaho is up there, right? We saw zero other black people. Zero, zero. Zero. You understand? And they killed it, dude.

Shout out to Lulu Gonzalez and Denny Love. But, yes, we were in Boise, and it was great. Man, I would honestly... Here we go. He's going to say it, isn't he? What? No, no, he's not. Yeah, he is. No, no, no, no.

Make sure he doesn't say it. Man, but we're live. No, he's going to say it. He can't do What? No, no, he's not. Yeah, he is. No, no, no, no. Make sure he doesn't say it. But we're live. No, he's going to say it. He can't do it. He's got a mind of his own. I would live in Boise. There, I said it. Dude, he said it.

Oh, fuck. Ah, shit. What are we going to do? Ah, it should be okay. It's actually okay. You know what? Just let it fly. It's so nice.

I remember Aaron Paul was telling me that because he's from there. And I was like, all right, dude. you know, but is it really that great? Dude, first time I performed there, he came up to watch with his family and friends. Bro, name drop, of course, but also he's a friend. So, you know, go fuck yourself. Bro, it was so good. I'm like, this place really is. This really is balling.

And he was like, yeah, man, I told you. So then got on the plane to Salt Lake City. God, you got to fly. It's what sucks. Got to fly. I don't like to fly. I don't like to fly from, I like to fly in, drive to another one, fly back. I don't like to fly in, fly to another one and then fly back.

Right? Because why? Because too much jet lag. Dude got to Salt Lake City. And this theater, the Eccles Theater, is so good. Denny said it best. He's like, man, this bitch a Rolls Royce. It is. It's got the stars on the top.

And 2,500 people came out. Whoopsie-daisy, right? They kept the seats warm, but not too warm, right? Because they stand up sometimes. Well, they stand up at the front and at the end and then also sometimes in the middle, don't they? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, they do.

It's like they have the Holy Spirit in them. They stand up and they go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Salt Lake city is another great place because of here. Here's my theory. I have a theory. Do you want to hear my theory on standup and cities? It's a great theory. And it's probably my best theory. That's

probably the most true of all my theories. Okay? Is if you're in, if you're, the best places are to perform in. If you're a comedian that pushes the envelope, and we know. I push the envelope because

I want to, you know, I'm going to say what's funny, not what's not offensive. Right. Uh. And yeah, yeah. And so I'm going to push the envelope and also I'm embattled. Right. So it's like.

Either way, I know you either love Crystalia or you hate Crystalia. But those who ride with me, dude. You know what I'm talking about just vests just leather vests on with spikes on the shoulders so birds can't land on us um but my theory about comedy and cities is if you're somebody who pushes the envelope as a comedian, you, they, these cities who, that are either known as woke or religious, like goody two-shoes, right? Like Salt Lake City is. That's the idea of Salt Lake City. People think, oh, that's the Mormon place where everybody is just trying to have family and they probably get offended.

They probably just don't. Do you swear in front of them? Or Portland, where you go and you're like, oh, shoot, are they going to, you know, like they were trying to pretend like there was going to be a protest for one of my shows and there wasn't. There were two people out there.

It was hilarious. The media was trying to be like, yeah, there was going to be a huge protest. of my shows, and there wasn't. There were two people out there. It was hilarious. The media was trying to be like, yeah, there's going to be a huge protest. Everyone's aligned. And there were two people out there with one sign. And 2,700 people walked by them. And so those are the best cities to perform in because they're known for that. And the people who like you as a comedian are going to make sure that you understand that they're not that. So they come out and they laugh.

So and I you know, when I thought of this theory in Salt Lake City, the first time I ever went there, I was like, this is probably gonna be hard because there's like a lot of people who are probably don't want me to like say the things I'm going to say, bro. And I did it. And I was like, why is this crowd so good? And they were like, yeah, this crowd comes out. And I was like, and then I thought about it some more. And then I noticed, especially when I was in Seattle and, and, and, um, Portland, those were two of the best shows that I've had. So yeah, Salt Lake was awesome.

Um, Hey dude, I'm going to be real with you guys. Sup with the, you know, the dudes too, but the, but, but the, the, the women in, in Salt Lake city. Okay, dude, we landed in Salt Lake city, a, a, a fucking lingerie model got off a plane, a pilot with a pilot hat on with her thing. And I'm like, bro, everyone goes, what the fuck? We were with everybody. Lulu's a what? What? In Salt Lake City, everybody? Dude, the attractive scale goes to 11. The pilots are nines. Huh? The chick pilots. First of all, how many honestly female pilots do you see? What's the percentage? And then how many of them look like men? High percentage.

And on top of that, how many of them look like unattractive men? High percentage. Dude, this diamond in the rough came out and you just go, Oh, huh. And she's flying planes all over the place, dude. God, imagine being on her flight.

Everyone's just, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. We're going to make it? Ha, ha. Boom. we're gonna make it we're gonna make it oh oh that yeah sorry I thought maybe the I didn't realize it was gonna be you that came out sorry dude just hi I'm your pilot you know what I mean

it's gonna be a little bit of, so just like buckle up or whatever. We're going to be serving drinks. Wow. You know, so sexist. But it was crazy, dude. And then at the show, the women that come out, most fittest women. Just like no fatsoes in Salt Lake City. And I know that that's not true, but where are they? Right?

They're probably on the outskirts. The dudes are just like, hey. And the women are like, just. I mean, they look like, god damn, dude. So I'm just like, okay. But also, let's get on to my family. Salt Lake City is awesome, man. Had such a good time.

When I was on the way to Salt Lake City, this drove me fucking absolutely bonkers. I was on the plane. I'm about to, you know, we board and I got to go to the bathroom, right? But I'm like, I can wait. Okay. Was this a Salt Lake? This was to Boise, actually, from LAX to Boise. I get on a plane.

I got to go to the bathroom. We're taking off. As we take off, I'm in the first seat. Right. And the, the, the, the, what do you call them? The stewardess is in the jump seat. Right. Which is facing me.

Do you know what I'm saying? And I say, uh, Hey, uh, I am, um, as we're taking off, I say, hey, will you do me a favor to the lady? She says, yeah. I said, is it possible for you to tell me when I can, what the earliest time is for me to go to the bathroom after we get in the air because we were getting in the air? And she says, now I say this, why do I say this? Because immediately, all of a sudden, I'm going to shit my pants. Okay?

Right? And it's the most inopportune time because I'm strapped in. I can't do it. Right? I can't go to the bathroom because, I mean, dude, she's not going to stop me. I'll tell you that. I'm not going to shit my pants. There's no way that's happening.

We could be taken off. And as we're taken off, I'm going to shit my pants or shit in the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. So I'm going to take the thing off. I'm going to be, it'll be like inception where I'm trying to like, you know, climb the walls. And then I'm going to get into that bathroom and just, you know what I mean? Try my best to only get it in the toilet. But I say to her, I say, let me know, please, the earliest time.

And she says, I will. Okay. Sounds good. We just have to get a little bit higher so we can level out. And I say, fantastic. I'm going to hold it until then. Now, I didn't like that. I had to do that, but I needed to know when the earliest time was because now I know what's going to happen is whenever she knows it's possible to do it she goes she's going to go like this go ahead look at me and say go ahead so i got this shit right nobody's going to get the bathroom before me all right now there's two dudes next to me one who's right next to me he's a big fan he's from orange county okay and he's talking to me mostly you know he's talking to me

because he's a fan but he's also mostly talking to me because he has about six drinks in 30 minutes after the flight or 30 minutes after we sat down, which is we're taking off. And then there's another guy across the way, right? It's two seats, me and a guy, and then one across the way. one across the way. This dude, after I say, hey, can I, you tell me when I can go to the bathroom early enough? This dude leans in to the steward

on the jump seat and says, hey. She says, yeah. And he says, can I go after him? Hey. Dude. What are you doing?

What are you doing? Let's explore all these options, okay? First of all, why did I say? Dude, this kind of shit, I don't even understand people. Obviously, I got to go bad, okay? So I asked, when is it okay to do it?? That's it. I didn't want to have, I'm one of those guys. I don't want to fucking pull people out. I don't want to have to answer this. I don't want her to think I got to go potty so bad. She doesn't know if I go to number one or number two, I got to go number two and she'll know afterwards. And then the guy leans up to her

and says, can I go after him? And she says, you want to go after him? And he says, yeah, would that be okay? And I looked at him and I said, why wouldn't? Said, well, of course it would be okay for you to go after me because that's during the flight. And he says, yeah. So now I'm in a situation to where I'm with the weird guy. Everything was normal. And then that guy made us a group, right? That guy made us together. That's what he made. Now we're the two guys who are, because me, I'm not being annoying. I'm simply asking the question

when he chimed in. Now we're the annoying guys that are asking about the bathroom. So now I'm like, you know what? I want to shit my pants. I want this guy to deal with it. But then I realized he's going to go after me. Awesome. Cause I got to go number two and now he's got to deal with it. So in a way it was like instant karma. I go in there, plop, plop, leave. I see this dude come in and I go have a fun day. I can't even pretend it's not me. Right. And as a matter of fact, I was the first one to use it. Dude, have you ever been the first one to use a toilet in an airplane? Yo, you know how clean it is. I bet you don't know that because after one person uses it,

it looks like a dog died in it. Right. It literally looks like just, it's a mess. And I was like, whoa, this is clean. Dude, I had to go number two. Guess what? I didn't even use the paper to put it down on the fucking toilet paper, on the toilet seat. I don't do that, dude. How about that? How gangster is that? I know I said I didn't use that on H3 when I did H3. And it's the truth. I don't even use it in an airplane bathroom now, unless it's a mess, which, of course, it was a mess after me and a few guys used it. But then the other dude next to me went to go use the bathroom after the second guy,

and he came back, and I was like, yo, sorry, bro, I blew that shit up. He was like, yeah, it's okay, man. I was going to ask you if I should wait, but who cares? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. that's what somebody from osu would do and say um yeah man don't that's annoying when somebody fucking makes you be somebody about that you you know that you aren't oh hey happy birthday brodie stevens is today the 22nd monday the 22nd happy birthday to brody Stevens. It's today, the 22nd, Monday, the 22nd. Happy birthday to Brody Stevens. He would have been 53 today. One of my favorite comedians that ever lived. A great friend.

Loved that dude. And, yep, he passed away five years ago, maybe. Yeah. It was sad. And we love him. I loved him. He was so funny. The guy made me laugh more than anybody on stage, no doubt.

I want to watch this guy. This guy I started following on Instagram. Here we go. All right, we're back. Sorry, had to get all squared away here. This guy I follow on Instagram. And I like this guy because I love watching him. Let's just look at some of these. His name's Timon.Kriek. K-R-I-E-K. Let me go to a good one here. I don't really know what the good ones are,

if I'm honest, but let's go to this one. Yeah, yeah, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. This was good. Hold on. Hold on. Here we go. Call me what you want. I'd rather marry a smart, caring, and down-to-earth five who I know is going to be

a good parent to my kids than marry a ten who thinks they're the absolute shit and goes out every weekend because at the end of the day looks fade but personality stays call me what you want sorry worth again i'd rather marry a smart caring and down-to-earth five who i know is going to be a good parent still using the month number then marry a 10 who thinks they're the absolute shit and goes out every weekend. Dude, first of all, supporting women, but also still using the number scale, you know? And then marrying a 10 who still thinks they're the absolute shit.

Like, thinks they're the absolute shit, dude. Oh, man. Eh? Sir? Simple. Eh Sir Simple I'd rather marry a five That is good to my kids Than someone who's a ten That thinks that they're absolute

Shit This fucking bitch Let me get this straight If you start talking to me every day And every night I'm obviously going to get attached to you Even if I never plan to I will So before you start getting close, make sure you won't suddenly leave.

Because that seems to happen a lot in this generation. I've been so burned, dude. Been so burned, man. Let me get this straight. Wow. I mean, oh, this is bad for dudes. This is bad for dudes, you know. So many creepsters out there like, finally, dude, this is bad for dudes. This is bad for dudes, you know? So many creepsters out there like,

finally, dude, a guy that gets it. Don't be mad at me for not leaving you alone. I'm trying to protect you, you know? I'll be honest. Oh, boy, here we go. I've been hurt in ways I can't explain in words. Oh, you could. So until someone shows me that this generation

isn't just hookups. Ah, dude. Good. So until someone shows me that this generation isn't just hookups. Dude. And I need you at the moment culture. I need you at the moment culture, you know. Trying to make merch. I'm going to do myself a favor and stay single. Dude.

I'll be honest. This part. I've been hurt in ways I can't explain in words Good Jesus fed 5,000 But only 500 followed him after lunch He had 12 disciples But only 3 went further in the garden And only 1 stood with him

At the cross The closer you get to the cross The smaller the crowd becomes But that's okay because i choose quality over quantity every time dude means nothing just say quality over quantity you know imagine like yeah oh god dude i want to be this guy's friend so bad i love this guy and i'm not some of the shit i'm laughing good i will I would hang out with this guy till the ends of the earth. And that's how my brother, my brother knows that, dude.

Ask him. Which is the one that was really got me? Here are my top tips for this generation. Dude, talking, speaking to his generation is the most awesome shit. Relationship tip. Date to marry. Friends forgive self-care tip read the bible mental tip how long is a guy who does self-care and fucking reads the bible hold on prayer helps eternity tip eternity what could it be What could it be?

Jesus saves. The last three were the same. Eternity tip. Jesus saves. Fucking, he always walks away at the end. Here are my top tips for this generation. Do it.

Relationship tip. Date to marry. Date to marry. Friendship tip. Forgive. Forgive forgive there we go jesus self-care tip people read the bible there we go mental tip think about jesus there we go eternity tip i mean jesus eternity tip dude that's what i call my penis. Eternity tip. Wear a condom. Arnold Schwarzenegger, huh? I hate to break it to you.

Oh, dude. But how they treat you is how they feel about you. Don't try to decode it or make excuses. It's simple. If they act like they don't care, they don't care. Because if they truly liked you, they'd never put you in a position where you have to wonder

why they're acting the way they are. Wow. What if you looked and you zoomed in on my podcast and I was crying with that one? Oh, my God. I love it. Let me get this straight.

Oh, this is the one, right? This is the one? This is the one we were laughing at. This is the one. Oh, this is the one, dude. Let me get this straight oh oh oh this is the one right this is the one this is the one we were laughing at this is the one oh this is the one dude let me get this right oh shit dude like got so confused and then was like get the crew and the mic we need to go out and make one of these videos if you start talking to me every day and every night i'm obviously going to get attached no we already showed that one god damn it which is the one dude you know what i'm gonna find it because we were we were texting about it hold on we gotta find it this is the one where is it here we go

um Here we go. Hold on. The five one? What does that mean? No, no, no. It's this one. It's this one. Holy shit It's all fun and games until I'm unreachable

Hold on, I want to find it in the thing though Damn it No, I know, but Oh yeah, I can do that, right? Wow, it's idiot Oh man Or I can look, can i look at oh god it's all fun and games until i'm unreachable hold on oh this is the best here we go here we go here we go here we go here we go

yes dude here we go this is the best one dude come on oh guys just bear with me i know i know it's all fun and games until i'm unreachable because listen i'm sorry for your loss but i'm not available no more. Because I got to protect my energy. As a matter of fact, I'll go ghost before I let myself be taken advantage of. Defeating the purpose, dude. I'll go ghost before I let myself get taken advantage of. Dude, the fucking...

It's all fun and games until I'm unreachable. Dude, that line. It's all fun and games until I'm unreachable. Dude. That line. It's all fun and games until I'm unreachable. Like. That. Is. Killing.

Your next of kin. Like. That's like. Well dude. You know you don't want to fuck with him. Why? Oh man. You haven't heard about him?

Well what does he do? Like beat the shit out of you? What? No, dude. Even worse. Oh, well, what is it? I can't be able to get a hold of him. All I'm saying is It's all fun and games Try to send a text out Did you fuck with him? Yeah? Try to send a text out now What happened? It's green, isn't it? So now what? He blocked you Do you know where he lives?

Okay, well then I guess it's not Oh, never mind. Oh, he moved It's all fun and games Until I'm unreachable I want to tell you kings today that there's no benefit in chasing woman god says chasing woman in proverbs 31 verse 3 do not waste your strength on woman on those ruined kings no if god blesses you with a godly woman along your journey that's great but don't go out of your way seeking the validation of these modern

day women god i mean always remember a man loses the moment he puts a woman over his purpose. I mean, dude, that's so fucking undercover sexist. Dude. So undercover just fucking been so burned by a modern woman that it's unbelievable. Went out with a modern woman three times and then she started like saw someone else and then he just simply can't get over it. Fucked his brother, you know. He unfollowed his brother and started making these videos. The guy's the best.

Timon. I love him. Everyone should follow him. You know what? It's how it goes. It's how it goes. And so it goes. And so it goes.

Oh shit, what happened? Everything went away on my computer. Great. Yes. Why did everything go away? Oh, there it is. Dude dude i was thinking about the last fucking three years that i've been like actually i was thinking about this the last three years just how fucking hard it's been for like me and my family and all that just like with the recovery

and all that and i'm just so grateful that everyone of like my shows are sold out, uh, and that people come to see me and, um, you know, it's been a long road of recovery and it's hard and it's, you know, um, it's a lot, it's just a constant work and working on myself that I have to do. And that, um, to make sure I keep, you know, my side of the street clean. And I'm just grateful for everybody that's been, um, like along my journey and really been following it. You know, I mean, I know, I know that the fucking look, the media is the media and it's going to do what it does um and it's fucked up because uh you know my wife and i are trying to fucking navigate through the past three years and it's hard but i you know people

say to me like oh thank you for coming i want to see people say i thank you for coming back a lot in the meeting greets they say thank you so much for for coming back and finding a way to get back on stage and talk about all this stuff and recovery, especially because I deal with a lot of like a lot of addicts are coming to my shows and all that. Um, and they, they, you know, they talked to me about it afterwards and I want to be very clear that, um, if it wasn't for, because someone was asking me literally today, they were like, how do you deal with, she was asking me about this. I ran into her and she was asking me about this because she was going through shit. And she's like, how do you cope with

the things that people say about you that aren't true? The things that people say about you that make you feel like shit. And this is what made me think of this because I've done so much work on myself over the past three years and a lot of therapy. And it's really hard to deal with because she was going through her own thing. She was talking to me about this.

And I was telling her it's not easy, but you have to know who you are in the face of people who are telling you that you're something that you're not. who you are in the face of people who are telling you that you're something that you're not. And, um, so for that, I'm grateful for everybody that rocks with me, but I, I want to say that you can't get past shit without being grateful. And for me, the number you don't don't thank me thank the reason why i'm back doing what i'm doing is because of my wife the reason why is because of my family i talk about this in my act but my wife held me the fuck down and there was no way i could have gotten through that without her

no way I could have gotten through that without her. And yes, of course, without Calvin and now William, however, they can't really have complex conversations. And the conversations that I've had with my wife throughout these past years of struggle mentally and through sobriety and all that stuff. Just she, you know, I was thinking about this now too, because the guy was talking about it. Don't date a modern woman. Like whatever a modern woman is like, you know, that's funny that he's talking about that and I'm making fun of it, but that she is a woman who is now. So you could argue she's a modern woman.

she is a woman who is now. So you could argue she's a modern woman. This woman is, I mean, an angel sent to earth. It's unbelievable how she has helped me. And, you know, I used to hate when people say like, this person's my rock, but man,

it's tough when you're broken and someone else has to take the weight and they make you better. And so I guess in a way I'm saying don't thank me, thank her. I would not be here if it wasn't for her. And I would certainly not be doing um these uh these podcasts um so that's that i you know i don't like getting serious on this podcast but sometimes i i like it you know um but anyway i i just appreciate you you you motherfuckers man like you're so awesome and i'm so grateful for you um and uh you know that's it I don't know people fucking identify with that at all or not

but that's what's up and the bottom line is you know it's all fun and games until I'm unreachable so there was a thing by the way also you know what we went to uh the day i got back from salt lake city i went to uh i got home i was so tired i don't even know why it wasn't a long flight or anything and i got enough sleep over the weekend but we went i said let's go because i you know i said let's

take calvin william was already asleep um with the nanny but i was like let's go. Cause I, you know, I said, let's take Calvin. William was already asleep with the nanny, but I was like, let's take Calvin out. Let's do something. What do you want to do? She was, Chris was like, I don't know. I was like, let's go somewhere. And she said, okay. And so we said, what do you want to do, Calvin? And he said, I can get hot chocolate.

So we went and he says, cause he knows I like coffee. So I was like, let's go get coffee. So I was really curious. So we went to go get coffee. And then we walked by an ice cream place. And Calvin fell asleep on my arms. And then we went to the ice cream place. And we're like, buddy, wake up.

And he was not waking up. But we got to ice cream. And we showed him the ice cream. And we're like, buddy, wake up. And he opened his eyes and looked at ice cream. And then closed his eyes back again. And then Kristen was like, do you want ice cream? And he goes like this.

And so we took the thing. And we gave it to him. And he had his eyes back again and then kristen was like do you want ice cream and he goes like this and so we took the thing and we gave it to him and he had his eyes closed and he goes like this and she put it in his mouth and he ate it and he goes and he's sleeping eating ice cream sleeping the kids got the life what is this shit that fucking kevin sorbo tweeted Bill Gates is done you know for what wow imagine you dude hey like Kevin Sorbo's nuts dude Kevin Sorbo saying Bill Gates is done Kevin Sorbo played fucking Krull oh Krull the Conqueror by the way love Republicans, so this isn't me bashing Republicans. Kevin Sorbo, super Republican. What's the opposite of woke? Bill Gates is done, dude. What a great tweet.

Red-pilled, yeah. It's crazy, the Twitter. Look at this. Fake Pentagon attack hoax shows perils of Twitter's paid verification. I didn't realize I don't have Twitter, you know? I mean, I have had Twitter for years, but I haven't used it. And I looked, I never look at my Twitter. But I noticed that my check mark went away because I don't pay, right?

Is that what it is? Wow. So you don't even get one if you're a celebrity. I didn't know that. Because, you know, let's fucking face it, dude. I'm a man about town. People know me. Fake Pentagon attack hoax shows personal twitter surprisingly literally no one accommodation of paid blue checks and gender oh this is a fucking already seems like

a woke article um on monday morning a seemingly ai generated image of an explosion of the pentagon circulated around the internet even though the event didn't actually happen. Okay. No, I don't want to fucking upload Adobe, you know. The dangers of the pay to verify system, the account which tweeted, so Bloomberg feed, that is a blue check mark, tweeted that.

Wow, looks like a legit Bloomberg feed. And then people will believe it right people started believing it now they think see this is fucked up dude now they think that that shit happened it's so crazy how much misinformation is out there and how much it actually affects real life okay case in point um because i go i think people hate me and then i show up to my shows and I'm like, oh, never mind. Real life is fucking bonkers awesome. People see through the bullshit. Look at this.

It got... It's AI generated, dude. This picture. I mean, it looks AI generated, you know. There's a gold check? Oh, really? For businesses. That means it's...

For folks saying, just get the gold check, look at the New York Times pages, all of these are tied to the company, but the badge system does absolutely nothing to help the average user know which, if any, are legitimate. I mean, I guess I don't know. Fuck it, whatever. Damn. I didn't even know

there was a cold checkmark till now. Everybody's fucked. Sincerely, Chris D'Elia. What is this shit? Oh, bro, this is so funny. I believe. You're saying I believe. Pastor.

We've just given you an opportunity to confess him before men. He sees you, a little guy in the back. Little guy. I'm not a midget. He's a child. The guitar. I didn't want anyone to think I was offending a midget. The guitar.

Oh, David Brent. The reason you lift your hand is because you already believe. The exhale. You're saying, I believe. We've just given you an opportunity to confess him before men. He sees you, a little guy in the back. Getting so bad. A little guy.

I'm not a midget. He's a child. I don't want anyone to think I was offending a midget. Have you ever seen someone dig a hole so hard? Exhale, dude. The best, dude. I mean, like, over there, little guy. I mean, not a midget,

a child. I'm not trying to offend a midget. But midgets are, their little person is what you would call them anyway. You wouldn't say midget. And it doesn't matter if they are black or white or Asian or Indian. They could do any job they want, tech support or any other job. Not just because they're an Indian. Indians can do any jobs. They could be doctors or tech support or any other job, not just because they're an Indian. Indians can do any jobs.

They can be doctors or tech supports or whatever. I mean, I know that's a stereotype is that Indian, certainly not Indian midgets. They don't usually become doctors. Not that they can't, and they don't do also tech support because they would need one of those chairs that would raise up higher than normal. And that's fine if they did, but oh, my God. Just Satan bringing him down. raised up higher than normal but and that's fine if they did but oh my god i just satan bringing him down yeah seriously fucking david brent or michael scott whatever one you use you could say david brent if you watch the good version of the office or office or michael scott if you watch the

one that's not as good no offense i have some you know some i, I like the people in that office, but unbelievable. Says midget. Is that bad? You can't say midget, right? Dude, Jay Morant, stop having a gun. Hours after NBA Commissioner Adams seeing other social media video, how about again with the gun? Just keeps on carrying a gun, dude.

Get different friends, man. God, guy's going to affect his fucking bag, isn't it? That's so funny. Silver, the guy, he's the guy who is the commissioner of the nba and he said honestly i was shocked when i saw this weekend when i when i saw this weekend that video why did he say that that's weird that he said that honestly i was shocked when i saw the video this weekend dude oh no shit you'd be like get the are you fucking serious honestly

this guy oh god it's so funny because he's from such a nice upbringing there's a whole meme where it's like okay mom bye dad bye mom i love you and then he walks outside he's like yo what's up cuz what's up motherfuckers the white kid jaw morant needs jay morant what is it jay i i don't do it it put an put a y on end of it it's jaw like oh i have the only other Ja I know is Ja Rule. Ja Rule and Ja Morant. It's murder, literally, dude. In his fucking...

If he keeps carrying that gun, it's gonna be. That's what I'm saying, dude. I just... My legs are so sore from working out but that's cool only uglies at my gym so that's good we need the uglies at my gym we need the uglies at my gym that's what we need um all right we haven't done this in a while let's do missed connections um west side over on the west side, this one's called Donut Eater. Under that, it says, looking for those that like to eat the donut, signed M. Okay. Well, just to break it down, we like to break it down here. And, you know, I know it's kind of cagey how it's written, but he means anus right here. So that's what he means, right? written but he means uh anus right here so that's what he means right uh because you could argue that it's definitely what a female has but there is no way a female uh posted this so also females have anuses so and that's just science so uh here's another one you used to come to our pirate parties wilmington you used to say yo ho yo ho the pirate's life for me okay swinging from the yard

arm what's that good times late night skullduggery that guy's just a crazy person um what is this this one's so drunk this is a straight guy did this one and it's so and he's so drunk bro and bro it's called and then under it and he's so drunk. Bro and bro, it's called. And then under it, it says bro and bro. It just goes to USC, you know? Here we go. Coffee talk with mature lady. Now, that's something that my wife and I would be into.

We meet few time for coffee. It's Russian. We meet few time for coffee and had fun talking about family and our granddaughter. Oh, and your granddaughter. Jesus, that was going to be weird. We flirt a little bit and you were interested to go further, but COVID show up. You were petite, good shape because of cycling in low 70s, I believe. So Russian.

She was trying to get away from you bro uh what is this did you peep my cheapers so british did you peep my cheapers what is going on are you peep my cheapers it ain't tricky were you peeping my peepee cheepers? Oh, wow. Absolutely fucking. I mean, what? It ain't tricky. Were you peeping my peepee cheepers? Are you reading this now? What kind of moribund and self-attentive? Save her to stick with burbs. I mean. Who did this? AI? Weird dude looking for compliment also would accept a compliment or two. I mean, that's some shit Rick Glassman would say right there. Weird dude looking for compliment also would accept a compliment or two. Making capital in a capital by teaming with a teaming group.

I mean, this is so awful. This is the worst one i've ever read in my life of principles without principles what is this shit fred gwynn had some great books that had homophonic fun thanks miss focus i'm the only guy who ever read that by the way you know people got to the pp cheapers and they were like, this is stupid. I read the whole fucking thing out loud. Guarantee nobody's read that out loud in the fucking world. Unreal, dude. Let's look at the deserve it scales. Huh?

Okay. Oh! Oh, you smashed the windscreen! Oh, jumped into the car and he... And he... Oh, dude! You smashed the windscreen! What is the guy saying?

You broke my fucking screen! You know? So British. Oh, you smashed the windscreen! Oh, you smashed the windscreen, he said. Dude, he jumped into the car. As he was jumping into the car, the guy hit the brakes so hard, and the guy smashed his windscreen.

So British to say, windscreen. You smashed my windscreen. You smashed my fucking windscreen. Oh, the guy tried to knock over the sign. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, God. It's so much... S slam me in the head oh the fact that he said it afterwards like we didn't know that's the most insecure shit you can do is if you fuck up and you fall down you get up and say i fell down dude that is a 10 that is a dude he turned around and said, slam me in the head.

Dude, we saw it. It was on video. That's so good. Dude. Oh. That still went. Slam me in the head. Still went for it.

Still went to go put it down, dude. Those are designed to stay up, you know? Look. Oh, dude. Those are designed to stay up, you know? Look. The guy recording does nothing. Doesn't even say shit. Slam me in the head. Dude, I'm recording that.

I'm not recording that. I'm copying that. Dude, that's so funny. Holy shit shit that one's a good That's a 10 That is a 10 on the deserved scale Didn't get too hurt Deserved it Was going to fuck up the property

Slammed myself in the head Slammed in the head Jumping a ramp on a mobility scooter Well this has such potential. Brits don't give a fuck. Dude, you can't take that up at all, huh? I mean, that's... How hard does he hit his head?

Oh, that where we stopped it. Unbelievable, dude. Oh, he hit it. Oh, fuck. He hit his head oh that where we stopped it unbelievable dude oh he hit it oh fuck he hit his head oh he hit his head bad fuck did he have a walk man like what fellow oh fuck

the lady at the end oh oh god I mean somebody says literally under this Oh, God. I mean, somebody says, literally under this, sadly, you could tell he died. Like, huh? The supercar Nigel, testing out his skills on the scooter.

Oh. Oh, he fucked up, dude. That's like a five, because he got too hurt. But my God, man. Why did his Walkman fall out? Why do you have a Walkman, you know? Everyone's crazy. All right.

His name's Nigel, you know. Everything's so British. What's going on? Oh, you died, cheerio. Oh, kicking the ball. Oh, hell yeah. I could hit him in the face 10 it wasn't that funny though so maybe a little bit less than 10 but that was good here's another here's a here's oh that's the one i just did okay okay let's look at these tinder ones here we go baby Modern dating in one picture, it says.

Petra, 32, verified. I'm no longer dating. If you're interested in me, I need a 500-word essay on how you will not waste my time. Actually, that's pretty cool. Jesus, that's actually not cool. Now that I think about it immediately afterwards because that's so fucking... Man, these people think that they are a catch. You're not really a catch dude there's so many fucking people out there you know you're only a catch after the person realizes you're a

catch right people who seem to be catches they're fucking the craziest people of all you can't think you're a cat walk around thinking you're a catch you can't if you're a dude honestly because that makes women like you but dudes don't like that shit you think of a woman who's like oh yeah i'm a catch all right you know what i don't want that shit here's another one like and subscribe baby like and subscribe there we go when did you move here a year a half ago how about you are you a native and the same person from the top says cool do you live with roommates i moved here at 17 he says why do you want to know are you trying to pay my bills because if not i don't see why who i do or don't live with considers you and then after that fucking loser so goddamn harsh people on the internet are just a brutal they're just

People on the internet are just brutal. They're just fucking atrocious. And it's not real life. So great. All right, guys. Oh, you sent it to me? Hell yeah, dude. Amazing.

You guys, thanks so much. Appreciate the love. Like and subscribe. I'll be in Tucson soon, chrisley.com, and a bunch of other places. Getting those Australian dates sorted out. So sit tight. That's it for the episode on YouTube. If you want the raw, the uncut, the unedited version of Congratulations, this episode, and all the other episodes, go to patreon.com slash chrislee.

And also, it's only $6, and you get all of the extra episodes. There's many, many extra episodes. There's like almost 30 now that you can go watch just for six bucks so go get that patreon.com appreciate you guys so much and thank you Thank you, Charlie.