Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 339. The Squirtin' Monologues

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia 😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has tales from the Great White North, realizes everyone isn't equal and loves a good smash burger. Oh and Taylor Swift and a football player did something or whatever. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Michigan the 21st. Orlando, Florida, the Don't Push Me Tour is coming to Orlando, Florida, November 10th. Fort Myers, November 12th. November 17th, Richmond. Baltimore, Philadelphia, Reading. And then I just added some Oxnard, California dates where I'm going to be doing some new material December 15th through December 16th. Oxnard, Levity Live, and that's over in near Los Angeles. And so that's what's going on here, you know. But we're going to do right now the next episode of Congratulations. I can't wait till this podcast is AI, honestly, and I just don't really have to do shit. It'll be a while, though, I think.

We've been doing this podcast now for how long has it been? It's been 17, 13, 16 years. And that's just how quick I am at math, right? It's just how quick I am at math. I bought a new scale. I bought an eye massager, and I bought deodorant. Those are my Amazon purchases. Amazon's crazy kind of.

It's going, Amazon's crazy. My son's three and a half and he just will see something on TV and he'll be like, ooh, let's get that on Amazon. And I'm just like, all right. You know, I just realized actually I have this here and I don't know why. It must be because I was blowing my nose. But every time I have this here and I don't know why it must be because I was blowing my nose, but every time I, um, I have this next to my bed. And the reason why I have this next to my bed is because I wake up with a dry nose and I need to blow it so I can breathe. That's why.

And I always think in the middle of the night, when I do that, I wake up and I think, man, got to get Kleenexes because this seems like I'm squirting, right? This next to my bed seems like I'm in the J-Files, right? I'm going spanking, right? I'm not, though, dude. It's for my nose. It really is for my nose. I don't use it for spanking.

And every morning I wake up, 3.30 in the morning, I can't breathe, take this, blow my nose. I don't use it for spanking. And every morning I wake up three 30 in the morning, I can't breathe, take this, blow my nose. And every time the cleaning ladies come over, I'm like, dude, they probably think that these are for my spank files and they're not dude. And now I'm like, why is this here? I must've been blowing my nose. But anyway, if you don't know what I'm holding, if you're listening to it, I'm holding a roll of toilet paper. I just have it next to my bed like I'm some college student, you know? But really, I'm a 43-year-old man with two kids sleeping next to a wife. I don't do it, okay? Yeah, now, do I square? Yeah, but I don't use that to clean up. I just kind of like rub it on my underwear and then go to bed and roll over disgusting but whatever dude it doesn't

matter you know it really doesn't matter it does well it does matter honestly because lately uh i have to kind of i don't want to talk about this okay honestly because it's disgusting to talk about the pocket to start off with the squirting monologue, right? I mean, for Christ's sakes, my parents listened to this podcast. Great, dude. And also, it's immortalized forever. My sons are going to hear it. Great, dude. Billy just got his shots.

I don't know what they vaccinated him for something. They put one, they dipped it on his mouth and the other one on his leg. And I was holding him. Actually, Kristen was holding him and I was right there holding him too, kind of. But she was doing most of the holding. I don't want to take credit for it. And they just poked him. And he was smiling holding him, and I was right there holding him too, kind of. But she was doing most of the holding. I don't want to take credit for it. And they just poked him. And he was smiling.

Dude, he's such a smiley baby. He was just like this. And then he goes, ah. And that's it, dude. My sons get through their emotions very quickly. And that'll probably be hell for them later. I keep my walls up. I've kept my walls up for a long time,

but let's not get into it. But yeah, but then anyway, the floods came crashing in, and it's all good, my babies. Yeah, leave a message under here. When's the last time you cried? I'd love to know it. When's the last time you cried?

Leave a message under the comments. Leave a comment in the things. You know, we say leave a message, and that's absolutely ridiculous. But yeah, because I'm a boomer or whatever posted some clips going dummy viral on some tiktok and instagram shit you know i'm just i must throw a guy out i was in canada uh this past weekend i was in canada i did montreal i did ottawa and i did uh Toronto well I did Hamilton I will be back in Toronto in Hamilton as well in March but uh I didn't post those dates yet but dude I was in the things you go watch the tour report near the Chris Lee channel but I was watching I was in the Montreal

show and let me just break this clip down for you. I did, I was doing a joke. I do a joke where the setup to the joke is I say it, and then I wait about six seconds to say the punchline. I hate saying punchlines. That's corny as shit, and I don't like quote-unquote jokes, but the part that makes people laugh, I say six seconds later. Because for six seconds, I'm acting like the guy who doesn't know what he's going to say and then says the thing. Now, in this six seconds, when I'm waiting playing the guy, this other guy in Montreal screams out a punchline that is not as good as my punchline that I'm gonna do but what does that do it fucks everything up and then when I do mine it's not as funny because everyone's like oh that guy just yelled out right now he ruined that part of the show. It's probably the hardest laugh in the whole hour. Maybe. And he ruined it.

Okay. Uh, I got really mad, you know, now look in the clip, I look beefy as shit. I'm working out. A lot of people are like, are you on testosterone? Let me just squash it right there. No, your boy does all natural fitness. You know, he eats lean except for when he's on the road, he fucks up and eats a spicy crispy chicken sandwich, right? He does do that, okay? He eats a burger and fries, he does do that, okay? Will he walk by a donut store? Will he grab one? He does do that, you know what I mean? If he's getting a coffee in the morning, does he see scones? And maybe he would, maybe he'll house one or two. Maybe he'll do that, he sees scones and maybe he would, maybe he'll house one or two. Maybe he'll, maybe he'll do that. Right. Maybe he will do that. Okay. Will he get eggs? Will he get the bread and the eggs?

And if they come, will he put it off to the side sometimes? But will he also house the, house the bread sometimes? Yeah, he did. It'd be one big happy family in his mouth, right? Be some bread, some scones, some ice cream and a burger, right? Yeah. He'll house all of them, scones, some ice cream and a burger, right? Yeah. How's all of them? Right? Hey, all the bad food, move in. Do you know what I'm saying? Co-parent in this motherfucker. Okay. Right. So yeah, I'm not on TRT. Do I want to take it? Yes. Have I been thinking about it? Yes. Have I been thinking about taking HGH? Yes. Have I done it? No. Have I? No. People also talk about, oh, why does he dye his hair and not his beard? Have I ever dyed my hair? No. I will dye it silver. Once I start getting it, I'm going

to do it. I'm going to get the full Raiden. All right. But anyway, I'm getting off topic. Yeah, I look beefy. It's my shoulders mostly doing all the work, but whatever, dude. The guy chirped out. I went to go kick him out. I said, dude, now this is something I say all the time. If I got to kick a guy out in America, I go like this. Who said that to the security? The security goes like this. It's too hard to see. It's too hard to see the people because they're in a sea of people and they're yelling out something.

So I never really expect them to find it. In Canada, I say, who did that? The Canadian security guard goes like this. Him right there. And I was like, oh. And now I'm looking at the guy. And I say, all right, well, if you know who it is, throw him out. So the security walks over.

They say, yo, you got to go. And the guy goes, oh, man. Sorry, Chris. I love you anyway. Felt bad. Ruined the show for everybody. Ruined the show for everybody. Ruined the show for 1,300 people. Felt bad.

Why? Because he's a big softie. That's what my mommy said. And I just talked to her on the phone. She said, I'm a big softie. Oh, for fuck's sake. He's a softie. She said, I know you're a softie.

And I was like, I'm a big softie in a way. Right? Softie brothers. Honka times. And so now I say, all right, he could stay. I feel bad. My anger subsides. Cool.

All good. Anger subsides. That's how angry I get. I'm also better with my anger now. Okay? Now, that's fine. The clip's over there. It's doing great.

So I'm thinking about my anger. I talk about my anger on stage a little bit. Another guy chimes in and I get mad. It's a clip online, but whatever. I'm here talking about anger. So I get through the whole weekend. I do my Hamilton show. Holy shit, it's gangbusters.

All good. He keeps the seats warm, but not too warm because they stand up. You know what I mean? So. And. We're going back to the airport to leave the airport in Toronto. My driver is one of those races where you're like, I don't know what race that is. Do you know what I mean?

Like as a white guy, I'm pretty sure all white guys, we know there's this race out there where we're just like, you got me, right? Like Asians, you can tell. Blacks, Indians, you get it right now. We can understand Samoans after like the last 10 years, the rock and all that shit. Even though, you know, I don't know if he's a Moan, but like we get it right. Whatever my driver is, that's the white guys. We know what I'm saying. He was that race.

The race where you look at him and you go, the fuck is that guy like a Filipino or something? But why does he not have the eyes that they have? Right. Okay. Whatever that race is, that's what the driver is. And I, I, I don't, I'm not the kind of guy that's like, I don't see color. Dude, I see color. I recognize color.

I appreciate it. i respect it so i see the driver and i go don't know what race he is see it check it respect it let's get up in this suv we get up in the suv all five of us all right we're in the SUV driving to the airport now Toronto's got one of those airports that's in Toronto and then they've got the airport

that's a little too far and it's so annoying that they have it there and that's the one I'm getting out okay it's like Pearson or something I gotta go like 40 minutes

but really it's 50 minutes and I'm fucking driving out I'm in the freeway in the car whatever race the guy is who's is driving, all of a sudden, Sam, my videographer, working on my shit, Sam's computer comes flying forward. Why? Because the driver is screeching, okay? Meaning we almost get into an accident.

Meaning I'm like, maybe the guy is Filipino, right? Because Asians always be crashing. But he's not, though. I still don't really know what race he is, okay? We almost screech. I hear, nah. Because here's the thing. When you're about to get into an accident, it's not the almost accident that is going to make you get in an accident.

It's the afterwards, right? Because you're like, I can handle this. I can handle this. I got this. I got this. I got this. We stop. And then after that, it's up to all these other knuckleheads behind you to navigate

and see what the fuck is going on to avoid you. Right? And those people aren't you. And that means they're idiots. So you go like this. And then you go, let's hope for the best. There's nothing you can do at that point. You know, it's like in horror movies when that fucking stupid shot that they do

where somebody opens the fridge door, looks in the fridge, and the music is happening, and then they close the fridge, and either someone's standing there or they're not standing there, but they've done it so many times that you're like,

oh, fuck, they're going to close the refrigerator door, and it's going to show a guy, right? That's the same thing as waiting for that accident. You just kind of hope for the best. Hopefully the guy isn't there from the fridge. Hopefully we're not going to get hit in the back. So I hear, and I'm like, oh, it's coming closer. Fuck, brace yourselves.

And they just drive by, okay? So I'm like, wow, we made it out. All good. We continue driving. We're at a zero mile an hour thing. Then we start going again. Then I hear more honking. Then I look to the left and then I see three people in that car going like this to my driver. Just fucking flipping them off like this, like big ones too. You know how some people do it like that? They had their full fingers like that,

just being like red as shit. Craziest thing was no clue what race they are, okay? So now I've got a full-on race war with two races. I don't know what they are, which is fine. But also the guy's super red because he's so mad. So I don't even really know what color he is. So they're doing the thing where they're like, you know, trying to the SUV. And my driver's going like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

Whatever his accent is. My tour manager in the back is like, just let him go. Let him go. Guy lets him go. Okay. So now they're in front of us. So now I'm like, okay, it's probably over. We're behind them. All good. In front of us, window, driving just like this. Guys just driving like this, flipping the dude off behind us. My driver goes like this.

This. The guy in the front turns around. I mean, I've never seen red like this. And he goes, my driver goes like this. Could you? could you i would have if somebody did that to me i would have shot myself in the head that is the most disrespectful thing to do when somebody's mad is to look at them and go and he did that the guy gets out of his car, walks over to our car, and is so mad, and then spits on our car, walks back, and drives away, and I was just thinking about it, man, about how long that guy was angry, you know? He was angry for minutes, and not just angry, blood-curd curdling angry so i guess what i'm saying is

i'm pretty proud of myself for just getting angry and then letting it go i feel like that guy was in a bad place though you never know what people are going through right like what if that guy just found out his dad you know got uh you know stabbed in the fucking eyes you don't know dude you don't know you don't know but the shows in canada were awesome hamilton is on fire right didn't stay there obviously because it's hamilton and it's 50 minutes away from toronto and why would i stay in hamilton everyone says it smells like piss didn't smell like piss it's actually very nice um but toronto is crazy awesome it's just crazy awesome it's just crazy awesome they got great shops and then you know why they're awesome because they have really good shops next to really shitty shops and you're like

you got to find them so when you find a cool place you're like oh yeah this is kind of extra special just coffee shops you know we stayed at that one hotel which was really cool really nice i mean they do this annoying thing where it's like a lot of it is sustainable and we make stuff furniture out of fucking trees and all that which i know they do anyway like a lot of furniture is made out of trees but they make it a point to let you know that they're made out of like trees and shit because they got like you know their unfinished wood and like their bench has like fucking you know the like brown you know it'll be like a nice, like, uh, like this color desk, but like to have the really brown hole in it because there was a branch coming out of the

tree and you got to be like, oh, this is great. And it says something like sustainable on it. And you're like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Is it comfortable? You know, eco-friendly. I don't know. I don't think we should be eco-friendly, if I'm honest. Just live it up. You know what I'm talking about? Live it up. We're on Earth one shot. Now, yeah, you got to make it better for the generations to come. But here's the deal.

Everyone in the world is going to fuck it up for them anyway. You think the trees give a fuck? You know what I'm talking about? You think we're going to get to the trees getting back at us? You think the ozone layer is going to deteriorate before some guy hits the red button? You know what I'm talking about. You think that the CO2 is going to deplete before some guy in some chair somewhere

just hits some fucking button that blows up half the world? Nah. And then we get some dark skies? Nah. Dude, drink Arrowhead bottled water. Use lots of hairspray. Don't buy electric. You know what I'm talking about? We're all going to get shot in the fucking face anyway. I'm a nihilist, but that's it. Whatever it is, dude, I hope that Calvin and Billy are okay. Here's the other thing too. We got other planets. You know, you think that it's,

you think that we're not going to be able to move to one of those planets? Bullshit. You think we're not going to be able to go to Mars? I know it's real cold or whatever. Whatever. Saturn, maybe it'll be fucked up. But what about that ring? I have a picnic. Legs off.

You know what I'm talking about? Like the construction workers, like that one picture? Where they're all eating sandwiches on that high beam? That's me on Saturn with my family in fucking 2080. I'll be dead. How about this? My mother-in-law went to Ireland, got me this. Dude.

I'm on my fucking Peaky Blinder, dude. Wow. Dude, you know what's funny about hats like this? You might put it on and be like, huh, in a store and get it and then bring it home and be like, I'm a piece of shit. Why'd I buy that? Whoa, I look like a fucking raging asshole, huh? Like, imagine a guy like this. It's like, yeah, just take a left and then a right and then you'll see it.

You know what I mean? Imagine a guy like this just on a... Oh, this is... Oh, this, dude. I directed Brothers McMullen. Oh, this, dude. Oh. I directed a movie called Somewhat Somewhere.

Oh, dude. Oh, my God. I directed a movie that fucking lost at Sundance. Holy shit. Look at the hat I got on. Oh, man. I'm a guy that calls movies pieces. Holy shit, dude. Get out of here. Oh God damn it, dude. Why don't I have a though um the writer's strike is over i guess i didn't know that that would be happening but they say they reached a kind of a deal wga m amptp too many fucking letters reach historic contract agreement to end 146 day writer's strike this deal is exceptional what is it dude they can't use uh

uh groundbreaking additions to the wga's minimum basic agreement the nitty-gritty details the language are used to generate ai um cool well congratulations to the people, to the writers. To be clear, no one is to return to work until they... Okay. That doesn't matter, you know? They'll still use AI. Writers will use AI.

That's the thing. Basically, this whole thing was like, you know. This is good for three years? Oh, man. In three years, we're going to be striking again. We. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. Kelsey, they're going out together.

And they went to his football game and she wore Converse and Converse sold out and he wore an outfit and his outfit sold out and then his jersey sold out. So, okay. Everyone, come on. Get the other outfits Get the outfits that you want You're looking at a fucking shoe that someone else wore And you go Here's the thing Travis Kelsey wore that outfit

That bedroom blue It's called the blue painting bedroom The bedroom painting outfit Whatever he wore You'll find it online and post it. And then whoever created that bedroom painting jacket renamed it when they saw Travis Kelsey wear it to the 1989 jacket

because that is synonymous with Taylor Swift. And then they sold out. So everyone, he tricked you. Everyone, he killed you. So that's what happened. So the jersey sales are through the roof, not because of the way he plays, but because of who he's doinking. That is absolutely crazy. And he's good.

Travis Kelsey is good. But that's the power of Taylor Swift. That's the power of the punani. That's the power of how good she is at singing and kind of dancing, even though she's bad at dancing. That's the power she has of doing. I could name. Here's the thing about Taylor Swift. Hey, Chris, do you know any Taylor Swift songs?

Nope. Hey, also, Chris, when I'm in the car, oh, I know this song. Who is it? Taylor Swift, right? I got to start dating Taylor Swift so my fucking life rips line goes nutty. Goes absolutely nutty. No, dude, I'm not going to date her, man. I'm married and I love my wife.

You know what's crazy is? gonna date her man i'm married and i love i love my wife you know what's crazy is um i was gone for six days with my wife and my kids and i fucking missed them big time dude i never really knew what missing was honestly because i had my walls up i never really knew what uh missing what missing someone was i didn't get it i didn't know if it was a feeling or not or i thought it was just something that people said i was like a robot i was like one of those robot and one of those fucking movies where it's like, why are your eyes raining? That doesn't understand crying. Even though they would know the word crying because it would be in their database. Some writer thinks it's cute to say, have the robot say, why are your eyes raining? That was me, dude. When it came to missing someone,

That was me, dude, when it came to missing someone. Is it a longing? Is it a longing or is it just a word? And then I had kids, and now not only do I miss my kids, I miss my wife. What the fuck? He misses too much. And she sends videos, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I love it. You know? Look at this. Martin Scorsese, I love it. You know?

Look at this. Martin Scorsese, just an old guy, huh? Love it. Talented as all get out. Just an old. You can't fight that shit. You just become old, and then you become just an old guy. Right?

Like, I didn't know how to do something on my phone the other day, and I was just like, oh, it's just not for me. I'm 43. That's not what I'm going to do. Oh, yeah. I go like this. Yeah, I was at this place in Toronto. I can't remember what the place was called. Really great staff and all that shit with the workers. They go. Late at night, I look on the menu. Dude, if a menu says Smashburger. Hey, dude. If a menu says Smashburger in it anywhere, I'll locate it. I'll locate it like Robocop trying to figure out how to ricochet the bullet off the wall to get the bad guy who's kidnapped the girl. Do you know what I'm saying?

It's just like Smash smash burger located like this. And then all of a sudden, I'm reading smash burger, double patty, cheese, melted cheese, special sauce. I'm reading, hello, i would like a smash burger hello i would like one smash burger what kind of fries would you like sweet potato fries am i a fucking asshole no i would like regular fries what size am i a fucking communist asshole? I would like large. If I'm getting a Smashburger, it totally defeats the purpose. If I go small. Get it, bitch.

Whoops. Sorry. Autocorrect. Autocorrect. Woman. And so let's bleep that out. So. So if I see smash burger dude oh my mouth is getting clogged up right if i see if i so much as get a glimpse of the word smash in front of burger. Oh, I'm going

quiet for a bit. Right? In 15 minutes, mom's the word, dude. Remember when they just started doing smash burgers and everyone started saying less and shutting the fuck up because of how tasty two

smashed patties are in between a brioche bun. Put brioche on it, dude. Oh, put brioche on it. Go ahead. Hey, dude, I'll just eat a brioche bun like I'm a goose. Just in parts. Brioche and smash?

Come on, bro. I'm getting clogged up. Mouth-wise and artery-wise. So I'm eating the smash burger, but I go like this. Somebody in my crew gets a spicy Nashville chicken sandwich. Okay, so the waitress says now, just so you know, it's really spicy. And the guy who's Mexican in my camp says, yeah, it's OK. I'm Mexican. I'm used to spicy stuff. And she said, I was going to say you're not white. And everyone laughed and I laughed. You're not white. And everyone laughed. And I laughed.

I didn't really think it was all that funny. Not because I was offended. Just because I'm like, I get that's the joke. But also, we're in dangerous territory. Somebody could get fired. We're talking about race. He gets the spicy chicken sandwich. And so does another guy, Denny,

the guy I bring on the road to do some time before me. He eats the Nashville spicy chicken sandwich. He goes, this is too spicy. It's not good. It's too overwhelmingly spicy. Enrique, the Mexican guy, says, it's really spicy, but I love it. And he eats the whole thing. Now, whoa, I'm curious.

I really want to try this Nashville chicken sandwich because I love spicy stuff. You saw my Hot Ones episode. I flew through it. If you can't get through the Hot Ones shit, honestly, you're kind of a bitch. I'm cool with that shit. It wasn't a big deal. So they say, do you want to try mine? Because I'm not going to eat it. And I go like this.

No, it's tainted. I get my own shit. I don't really bite shit from people's sandwiches. I might, but I damn well won't do a sip thing from another person's soda. And that's like a white thing that people do. White people are like, try it. Like my friend David Sullivan, he's always like, you want to try my fucking, it'll be like a gross, like a milkshake. And you're like, bro, it's all pink in your mouth. I'm not doing it. And so I say, no, I'm going to get one. So they go, okay. It's really spicy.

I say to the lady, to the waitress, I say, I want that. It comes over. I take a bite. It's tremendously spicy. I ate the whole thing. And it was great. Now, the reason why I say this when I'm talking about Martin Scorsese, remember when I was saying he's just the old guy because he was saying he wants to fight back. I didn't say this yet,

but he wants to fight back against comic book movie culture supported by directors like Christopher Nolan. We've got to save cinema. Cinema's fine. And he's just being the old guy. And in this situation, I wasn't the old guy yet, but I was the old guy when I got home. but I was the old guy when I got home. I shit my brains out. My feet were off of the floor like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. And it was fine. Didn't burn,

but I evacuated my bowels. Then I went to bed and then I woke up and I felt okay. I was like, good thing I evacuated my bowels last night. And bed and then I woke up And I felt okay, I was like good thing I evacuated my bowels last night And Now I could just kind of do my thing So I went, I got a cup of coffee, I drank it And then I got my gym clothes on

And I went downstairs to do the gym At the one hotel And I did some lunges, yeah naturally I got beefy like that I also did some other things, some shoulder stuff And in the middle of the Workout Naturally, I got beefy like that. I also did some other things, some shoulder stuff. And in the middle of the workout, I was the old guy again. My stomach goes like this. And I go, hmm.

I do another set. Walk into the bathroom, feet off the ground, evacuate my bowels. Never in my life have I sweat so much than in that moment when I was in that hot bathroom, evacuate my bowels in the middle of a workout. Dude, I was so glistening. I might as well be the main character

in The Shape of Water. It was unbelievable, dude. It was unbelievable. So anyway, man, I'm the old guy too, Martin Scors Shape of Water. It was unbelievable, dude. It was unbelievable. So anyway, man, I'm the old guy too, Martin Scorsese, but that's what I'm saying. But everything's changing. Nothing can be saved. Yes, dude, he said it. He's a nihilist.

I get it. I'm a nihilist. I've said it before. But wow, dude, nothing can be saved. The ozone, cinema, whatever it is. Earth, gone. Martin Scorsese says we need to fight back against comic movie culture by supporting directors like Christopher Nolan. We've got to save cinema.

In a sprawling new profile with GQ. I don't like when they call articles profiles. Like it's some like, yo, you write for a fucking magazine, okay? Martin Scorsese discussed some comic book, he does not like that shit. Topic which he has spoken about at length in the past, the danger there is what is doing to our culture, because there are going to be generations now that think movies are only those, that's what movies are. our culture because there are going to be generations now that think movies are only those.

That's what movies are. Yeah, but there's, I guess, the widespread of the fucking movies like Christopher Nolan are in jeopardy, but they'll still always make them. They already think that, he said, which means that we have to then fight back stronger, and it's got to come from the grassroots level.

It's got to come from the filmmakers themselves. And you'll have, you know, the softy brothers on kachams and you'll have chris nolan you know what i mean and hit him from all sides wow it's it's movies dude guys acting like it's fucking dunkirk go out there and do it go reinvent don't complain about it but it's true we got to he said while complaining guys acting like it's the vietnam war you got to hit them from both sides dude softy brothers flank right nolan flank left oh shit they just they just died because they're fucking Let's do some of these What do you call them Mouth

What do you call them Holler Holler.baby dude We've teamed up with Holler.baby the holler holler dot baby dude we've teamed up with holler dot baby to do these little quick things for people that can purchase them so here's some unlock financial security with McCune

financial group today call five six with McCune Financial Group today. Call 563-549-8052. Check out You Don't Be Sayin' podcast on Spotify. Slimed Doh. Slimed Oh Co. Etsy.com slash Slimed Doh's slime d-o-h-c-o the best slime and sensory kits oh yeah dude calvin likes that the sensory kit shit um an n where slime men s-l-i-m-e-n-D-O-H-C-O. There we go. That's what it is. Etsy.com slash S-L-I-M-E-N-D-O-H-C-O.

What's that? So, yeah. Dude, my mom fell and broke her hip. It fucking sucks. My mom keeps falling because she's a mom. Moms fall. Moms are just like... Moms will just be hanging out and then be like, oh shit.

And then you're like, what the fuck was it? And they're like, I don't know, a rock. And you're like, you're in the kitchen. Add a dad into the mix? Everyone's going down. You know what I'm talking about? My mom was just walking my dad backed up my mom whoa now let me tell you something my mom is the shit she's awesome awesome she you don't even know when shit's bothering her she just she goes whoops fell oh all good goes to bed you know chilling my dad's like what the fuck happened to mom's like you bumped into me and wakes up bruised ass

fucking hand i check in what's up mom she's like ah i'm fucking my side hurts i go my brother goes over to visit a few hours later just for shits open the door hey what's up my dad hey we called 9-1-1 i think mom's gonna go to the hospital hey hey sup hey hey keep us abreast hey hey what's going on. They call me. Hello. Hey, your mom's in the hospital, going to the hospital. 911. What? Okay. We go. Turns out, now I went to go. I'm a good son. I go to the hospital. Hey, took some x-rays. She broke her hip. I go online. Look at people who break hips that are 74 years old. It's a death sentence i go the doctors say don't worry about it it's not that's just what's online i go whoopsie daisy shouldn't have looked online

all good so she gets the surgery all good fine dude the nurse there filipino guy i know the joke is if filipinos are all they're all nurses i get it he goes like this you know you know everyone's talking you know you get to develop a rapport my mom was in the hospital for a few days she's out now she's good uh the filip Filipino nurse dude, we got a rapport, all the shit. He says, uh, yo, there was a, uh, a black guy here once that we got admitted. And, um, one of the things that were, uh, that was medical, we had to make sure he wouldn't eat any chocolate and there's chocolate around the hospital.

And, uh, we wanted to make sure he wouldn't eat chocolate. So And there's chocolate around the hospital. And we wanted to make sure he wouldn't eat chocolate. So we put white gloves on his hands. And he had to keep the white gloves on his hands so he wouldn't have... So the chocolate would come off and we would know that he was eating chocolate

if he had the gloves on. And we go like this. Oh. And then the guy says, that's a joke. Hey, man. No, it's not. It might not be true,

but what? Dude, right away he said, that's a joke. It didn't happen. Bro, things like that are the creme de la creme of life. Thank you for that. Hey, yeah, the guy, a black guy came in and we had to admit him he couldn't eat chocolate

and so we put white gloves on him and then we came in and he had chocolate all over his, he had brown all over his gloves. He knew he was eating chocolate. That's just a joke. That was how he told it. Dude, and so that,

so now that's the top joke. Beat that. I mean, I've worked 17, 18 years to become a professional comedian. Nothing I've ever said is that funny. And nothing ever will be. Because some Filipino nurse decided to make a racist non-joke. Oh, my God, dude. decided to make a racist non-joke oh my god dude i don't know i when i went to canada i thought about how it was being how about about like you know because canada gets a rep for being woke it it really wasn't my my jokes are not

are are very uh what do you call it? Not, they push the envelope hard. And they were loving it, right? So I'm like, oh, this is just, these are just people. It's not, everyone knows this woke shit is bullshit. And I was at the gym in Canada. And I did deadlifts. And then I moved on to another exercise. And I moved on to another exercise before before, and I moved on to another

exercise before I rewack, rewacked the weights and I'm doing the other exercise. I think it was chest. And as I'm doing this other exercise, a woman walks over and goes to start mess with the deadlift stuff, the bar that I didn't rewack, rewack. Why am I saying rewack? bar that I didn't re-whack, re-wreck. Why am I saying re-whack? So I say, while I'm working out, I say, oh, I'm sorry. Let me know if you need help with that. I'll do it after this. And she says, oh, I'm good. And also let me know if you need help with anything. At first I was like, wow, Canadians really are nice. But now I'm thinking she said that because of she wanted to make sure that she knew that I knew that women were equal and stuff. And sure, but not here.

Not at the gym. Also, here's the other thing. I meant to just be like, sorry, I didn't read. I didn't clean up after myself. But I think she took it as like, hey, darling, if you need me to lift anything heavy, I'll do it. You may not be able to do it because your tits and pussy might be in the way. Like, I was just being friendly. And then she says, let me know if you need help.

I should have said, oh, dude, yeah, honestly, definitely. Grab those fucking 90-pound kettlebells so I can do farmer's walk with them. I need help with that pick that up for me you can't now neither can i but you can't right i i can i can do 80 i i'm uncomfortable with not 90 but i mean maybe 90 but 80 i can go a few steps with so but dude afterwards i thought about it and i didn't even want to bring it up to my own self, right? Like sometimes you're doing shit and you're like, ah, I'm never going to think

about that again. It kind of made me uncomfortable. And I didn't even want to bring it up to my own self. And Denny, who I was with working out, he said, remember when that happened? You think that girl said that because of that and said it because of the equality thing. And I was like, bro, I didn't want to think that, but maybe, maybe dude. And so now I'm talking about on the podcast. What do you think? I don't know. I don't know. Not everybody can fucking be equal, you know. Everyone's not equal, you know.

I mean, everyone deserves the same rights, but everyone's not equal, right? Some people only have, like, one arm. You're not equal. You deserve the same rights, but people with no arms don't deserve the same rights. I'll say it. Driving.

You know what I'm talking about? Operating a forklift. Playing baseball. Right? Sucks. But not everyone's equal and not even everyone deserves the same rights. Wow, now that I think about it. Uh-huh. swimming. Right? You don't do that. You can't. It's against the law because it's against the law to kill yourself

and that's basically what that is. I mean, you need floaties, I guess, but whatever, dude. I'm losing people left and right, but it's like, you know, not everyone is created equal. Remember that whole shit

in the 80s when they'd be like, everyone is created equal? Then you'd see your friend with like fucking one arm. Then what? Sure, equal if they're playing you know the slot machines but dude have you guys seen this britney spears i mean honestly dancing in the kitchen with knives first of all all of her videos are in this room, I feel like. But, dude.

Let me be... I don't know if anyone's said this. Because it's so weird. It is weird because it's dangerous. And, like, also her fire alarm needs batteries. But, like... And she smiles in the middle of it. She's still kind of doing it, Brittany. I mean, almost stabbed.

That's the double. The double is the real one that kills me. Dude, no pun intended. How about the fact that, has anybody said this? She's crushing it, bro. That's like an awesome dance she's doing, and she's doing it with knives,

and she's still got it. The only thing people should be saying is, you still got it. Oh. Oh. Going to cut her fucking fingers off. Dude, hey, people should be saying is, you still got it. Oh. Oh. Going to cut her fucking fingers off. Dude, hey, don't be doing that though, right? Because that's very dangerous.

But also, everyone's worried about you, but also, you're crushing it. And we made her crazy. And that's sick, right? And that's sick. People don't want to talk about how fame fucks you up. Fucks you up. Yeah.

If I were her, I'd be dead. No doubt. No doubt. Right after I shaved my head, I would've been like this. Oh, this looks bad. Bang. That would've been me. Like, oops, thought this was a good idea. Bang. My God. I mean, her dogs and shit, her dogs are right there, imagine in the middle, she just fucking stabbed herself completely by mistake, like, that's just too much, man, that's kind of actually hard to watch, wow, of actually hard to watch wow um remember the fucking i always think about when stuff like this happens i think about i'm not going to look at it because i don't want to like add to the

problem and this isn't really that big of a deal but like remember when that data leak happened where like all of the celebs nudes came out it was like jennifer lawrence and it's happening now oh the fappening was that what that created really oh that's funny um like I purposely didn't look that up I still have not looked it up and um you too oh nice oh good oh we're good fucking room full of good guys huh and uh I just that sucks so I guess I what I'm saying is I don't know what Jennifer Lawrence's titties look like. So, and I'm good for that, right? Bro, this is awesome. Club Axe won't have to fork over merch money

to Live Nation anymore. Live Nation announced a new program on Parkinson's which will end Nelson and the merch fees that have been widely decried by artists and give you. Yeah. But this is only at clubs. No.

That's cool. Dude, it's a crime. You go to fucking places and you try to sell your merch and they take 20 to 25 to 30% of your merchandise. So that means you pay for the merch. We pay for the merch. We pay for the shipping to get it all there. We make some of the money and then we have to give 20 or 30% of it away. If you're not making boatloads of cash for merch, it's not even worth selling merch.

It's so shitty when you got to fucking give him a few thousand dollars just to pay the thing it makes it yeah it's true dude this person said on um god the fees that they do are so the fees that the ticket guys do and the concert tickets are hard enough to get you shouldn't have to pay surprise service fees on top of that this is what president biden is saying it's probably the only good thing he's doing but um my administration is working to crack down on those junk fees so you know what you're paying for up front um also cancel somebody said cancel merch tax it makes it impossible for most working artists to make a living yeah that's true dude um yeah look at this these are the states 20 for dc 25 new york

20 boston well there's none in new haven or richmond that's cool i'm gonna be in richmond better fucking make sure that happened. Montreal, 15%. Ottawa, none. Oh, that's nice. I was selling an art in Ottawa. Minimeanmessages.com. Say anything to anyone, anywhere anonymously. Lookingglass Podcast. Funny boys,

silly gooses, listen to it. Bright, colorful, painted pet portraits at tabs.paints.pets on instagram smokeshowsauce.com promo code baby for 25 off what's this one a italian we're two italian brothers from australia we sent you some pajamas baby slouch potato, I guess you sent me some pajamas. When am I getting it? Let's do these Tinder ones. Do people still use dating apps? I guess so.

Accidentally swipe right because I double tapped the button. What the hell is up with people? This person wrote. Do you have Percocets or Lean? Wow. You know? Somebody writes, what or Lean? Wow. You know? Somebody writes, what the fuck?

No. This is not what Tinder is for. The hell? And then they write, wait, really? I've been using it for Percs and Lean since 2020. Wow, dude. This is Lil Wayne

on Tinder. So I left. Um. Dude, perks and lean. Perks and recreation. He blocked me. At least I think I'm funny. This was one.

This one is. Still no in-person dates. How do you know that? It's in your bio, lol. Whoa, lol. It was when I messaged you, but just looked at now it's not. The person wrote, are you okay? He said, yeah, I'm literally not even kidding. When I looked at it, it said due to COVID, no in-person dates.

He said, you're confusing me with another profile. He said, okay, I'm very confused right now. Let's restart. Hey, how are you? And then the girl said, I'm good, but you should know I'm not doing in-person dates right now. Wow. Smashed him, dude. That's pretty...

People get behind the screen of a computer and a phone and they don't give a fuck, bro. Let's do this one. You guys got to go unmatched. Here we go. Can I be your slave? Yes. Will you use me as your toilet?

No. I will use the toilet as a toilet. Wow. That's actually kind of weird. I mean, the pissing thing I get, the shitting, I don't get. I don't get. The shitting one is too much it's very german yeah let's do it sure i don't care about the actual um smells of it haha listen to neon shadows a noir tale on spotify there we go and you get those

holler dot baby slash Chris D'Elia. Go check those out for some... I'll say whatever. I'll, you know... I'll say those fucking things, you know, and people like it. So, you know, it is what it is. But that's the end of the episode today

for congratulations. Leave a comment and go to chrislee.com. Get that merch and all that stuff and check out where I am. And also, if you want to listen to the,

that's the end of the episode. If you want to listen to the rest of the episode, the full episode, go on over to patreon.com slash chrislee. We have two years of episodes

that will unlock immediately for just six bucks. So go check it out. you very much patreon.com