Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 34. The Beautiful Manuscript

Episode Date: September 18, 2017

It is the 34th episode! Guess what: we named our first elder! On today's show, Chris talks about being a creature of habit. Also discussed: New Jersey diners, Babylon, movies with scrolls in it, clowns aren't scary, March of the Penguins, Ibexes on a wall, & TMFUIPOTW. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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you can design yourself via the app, which is cool if you're artistic. The Cash Card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. Now you have the Cash App, which is cool if you're artistic. The Cash Card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. Now you have the Cash App, which is the best way to pay people back, plus the all-new Cash Card. It's really awesome. I'll talk about this more later on in the show. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What's up, my babies? How you guys doing? It's the 34th episode. What the fuck?

How did we do it? We did it. We keep doing it, you know? I'm sitting here. I got my two dogs over here on the other side of me. I'm out of the orange chair. And they're being very cute. Same in Butters.

And they're sleeping. And I'm chilling. This is the 34th episode. I am, I was, where was I this weekend? I tell you, man, I do the road so much that I don't even know. I, well, I do,

I do do the road a lot. Yeah. I don't know what the difference between a road comic is and me. I don't, I'm not a road comic. Uh, maybe the road comic is just a comic that goes on the road every single weekend. But,

um, I do a lot. This September actually has been rough because when i went to go shoot life in a year which was uh the movie i did in toronto in may uh for five weeks i had to reschedule a bunch of stuff and they were all it was all rescheduled to september because when i have to cancel because i have a a movie or something really important i have to uh i always like try to let the like i feel bad for the for theaters or clubs or whatever i'm doing so i say whenever they have a free weekend

i'll do it and they all picked september yay um so i am where was i last weekend i literally can't remember oh no of course i can new brunswick Jersey. My home state of New Jersey. I played this club, Distress Factory, which is awesome. It's a great club. I'm fucking happy that I'm at the point where I can play the places I like and I don't have to play bullshit places, really. So I play New Brunswick. And I like to – I don't know. Is there something about – dude, when I – I'm from New Jersey and I don't go back to New Jersey too much but

whenever I do like I'm not from New Brunswick I'm from I'm from Montclair which is like 30 40 minutes from New Brunswick and I moved when I was 12 to Los Angeles but it when I'm there like it just feels

like home which is weird. Because I consider myself a West Coast guy, you know? I mean, I moved when I was 12. I still kind of have a little bit of an accent, especially when I'm yelling and shit or, you know, making sweet love. But, yeah, like, when I make sweet love, I have a fucking serious Jersey accent. I'm like, yo, you like that? Not for nothing, but you like that? You like me up inside? You like that?

You feel me in your guts, babe? Ah, fuck, that feels good, huh? Yo, oh, shit, yo. That's how I go, that's how I finish. Oh, yo, oh, fuck, yo. Yeah, you like that? Yo, is that good for you, baby? Ah, for you baby ah shit hey hey yo did you go to

hole nine yeah you go to hole nine when i made fucking love to you or what ah fuck yo you hey you want some salami that's what i do like that i don't mean that on my dick i mean literally does you want salami out of the refrigerator yo you want some salami and a fucking Sprite? I'm going to go down to the fucking corner store and grab some shit. You want some? Baby, you're the fucking best. That's how I make love. So when I have – so I was staying in New Brunswick and then we went to like... One thing about New Jersey I love.

The fucking diners, dude. 24 hours. The meats are better. The fucking breads are better. You know? Because they get that shit from Europe, baby. And it's fucking right there on the East Coast now. It doesn't have to travel all the way to the West Coast and get stale as fuck.

They know how to make the fucking sandwiches better because they're fucking, they literally, they got the fucking guys who did it over in, you know, wherever the fuck they're from. It's racist, but yeah. So no, and man, I went to diners and those shits are 24 hours it's just diners are the shit man la's got like four diners that are open late at night and i missed that shit so you better believe i went to the fucking diners i went to the diner and weird shit will happen in diners in new jersey's first of all you got the most jersey people of all time it looked like they there was a table that literally looked like it was the prequel to The Sopranos. Like, the fucking hairspray and the big hoop earrings. And they were saying, not for nothing so much.

And the fucking big bulky guys. And there was definitely a guy that fucking was talking like this there. But then they lined up a bunch of tables. I put this on my Snapchat a little bit. But they lined up a bunch of tables and I was like, ah, what the fuck? but they lined up a bunch of tables, and I was like, ah, what the fuck? I was talking to my opener. I was like, why do you think that they're lining up those tables? And he was like, my opener is one of those guys, Mike,

that will fucking come up with an opinion about something. Like, it's a fact. And it drives me up the fucking wall. Like, he'll be like, oh, they're doing it for brunch tomorrow. And I'm like, you don't know that shit. You don't know it. You don't know it. You don't know it. He did it.

He did it. He does it all the time. And I think that's literally the definition of a dum-dum. Like he goes like, he said to me, one of my best friends. I love the guy. Great guy. Funny on stage. But he'll say shit like Kevin Hart put up the fucking video of him apologizing for something.

You know? On Instagram. It's on Instagram now. But Kevin Hart put it. He was like, I'm sorry. You know, I made a bad mistake. I just want to put that out there. I need to do better for my family, which is admirable.

Nobody knew what the fuck he was talking about. It was very vague. So Mike, my opener, which is admirable. Nobody knew what the fuck he was talking about. It was very vague. So Mike, my opener, was like, ah, you know what happened? He got caught cheating. She got the evidence. And then he fucking had to apologize. And I was like, you don't know that. You just.

And he was like, no, that's definitely what happened. And I got blood red mad because it's not because didn't know. And I said, this is why you're a fucking idiot. And he got so mad, sulked, left the green room, didn't come back till after the show. And I was like, yo, is this guy fucking really pissed off? And then Mark was like, yeah, I think he is my Irish buddy. So anyway, I fucking loved the the guy i had to tell him i loved him after that but um so anyway uh what the fuck was i talking about um new jersey diners

so so he was like so he was like yeah it's for brunch tomorrow morning they're lining up the tables because probably a lot of because a lot of big because that's family time and families come and i was like you don't fucking know that and then after he said that literally i would say 50 asian young asian men and women i mean they must have been 20 walked in the diner like fucking one after another and just filled up all of those tables and i fucking slammed his i slammed him dude and i said see it wasn't for tomorrow it's a fucking asian convention or whatever the fuck so many so many they kept coming dude they kept coming, dude. So yeah, so I had, what'd I eat?

I fucking ate like a chicken parmesan. I went off the rails. I usually eat healthy. Nah, not in New Jersey. I decided not to. Chicken parmesan, I had a fucking tuna melt. I ate huevos rancheros. Dude, I was, I love it.

These, by the way, these Jersey diners, they make cheesecake factory menus look like a fucking bookmark, dude. It literally looks like the fucking whatever. You know what the fucking diners in New Jersey, every single diner in New Jersey, you know what their menu looks like? Any book that any fucking British character is trying to find in a movie about medieval times. That's how big they are. You put movie about medieval times. That's what, how big they are. You put it on the table.

That's the book we need. This translates everything we've learned in the past fucking one hour and 45 minutes, because this movie is too long. That's what the fucking diner, the, the, the menus in the diners look like in New Jersey.

And you need like a key to open it up. You know, like those fucking stupid. I swear to God. With these movies, they'll have like, we need a key to open the book. What was the movie? I was just flipping through it. It was like The Mummy or some shit. And it was like, I can't open the book. We need a key to open the book what was the movie i was just looking i was just flipping through it was like the mummy or some shit and it was like i can't open the book we need the key and the girl's like the key's over there and he's like okay and then somebody's about to die and the

guy finds the key and like unlocks the book and it's like some fucking key that looks like a beetle or something you know and he's got to put it in and it goes and then the legs come out and then you twist it and then the book opens and he's like and then the guy dies you know he let but he doesn't die he like disintegrates like who the fuck is making these movies right who the fuck like what is this shit you can just make shit up until it's until the movie's over right you know that's my problem with fucking science fiction or like whatever the fuck you'd call that i guess you know like the ancient movies any movies about ancient shit right where it's like where it's like oh it starts off about a guy and he's just like ah i'm looking for the scrolls you know know? And then another older guy or a kid.

It's never the guy who's the fucking same age as the guy, right? They got to make it so different. It's like a little kid that's like, I had once the scrolls were in fucking, you know, Longsville or wherever, or the ancient town of Babylon. Hey, hey, by the way, I'm 37. What the fuck is Babylon? What is it? I don't know. I don't know. I've never known. I've never known what the fuck Babylon is. Babylon is a key kingdom in ancient, it's probably, uh, ancient Mesopotamia. Yeah, every time I don't know where a fucking place is that sounds biblical, it's in Mesopotamia.

Every fucking time. It was built on the Euphrates River. Of course it was. And equal parts along its left and right banks with steep embankments to contain the river's seasonal floods babylon was originally a small acadian city dating from the period of acadian empire of course it was oh yeah so anyway they got to find the scrolls and then the guy's like all right i'll look for the scrolls and so far you're watching a movie and you're like, oh, he's just looking for scrolls.

And then all of a sudden he gets to the fucking place. And then there's a guy who can like, who's like, they are guarding the scrolls, but he's like a guy who can fucking teleport. And you're like, well, all right. Well, so now this guy just teleports. And then it's like, so he teleports and then, and then it's like, yeah, but, oh, well, how do we defeat him? Because he's teleporting. And it was like, well, but how do we defeat him? Because he's teleporting.

And it's like, well, you need the fucking ancient blocking system. It blocks teleportation. And the guy can't teleport if you can get this. And you're like, okay. And you're watching the fucking movie like a goddamn cuda. You're like, oh, yeah, these things are happening. It's so hard to sustain a movie like that because you need to create the world and then adhere to the rules that you created in that world.

Right? The best movie that does that is The Fucking Matrix. It really sets it up nice and it fucking everything, all the dots connect. it really sets it up nice and it fucking everything, all the dots connect. A movie that doesn't do that is the last movie, The Mummy with Tom Cruise. I watched that movie like this, and you're only going to be able to see this on the video podcast. This is how I watched the movie. And then Russell Crowe was in it, which was the best.

They tried to set that shit up so much. They were like, like Tom Cruise was in it, and he was the mummy, and then Russell Crowe comes in, and he's like, I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, though, and also there will be a movie about a werewolf with Benicio Del Toro in it later,

and then Tom Cruise runs. Has there been a movie where Tom Cruise doesn't run? So, yeah. So, I don't know how I started talking about. Oh, so that's what the fucking diner thing looks like. That's what the diner thing looks like. And then the diner menu looks like. And then you can get like literally like a turkey sandwich or fucking

baklava or you can get white fish hey if you can get white fish at a diner you know i would say go to a different diner but that's what the jersey diners have man diners have like everything uh the jersey diners have it but if dude if you go to i was at i think i was with joe coy i was with joe coy once my buddy stand-up comedian fucking extraordinary joe coy and we went to a diner i think we went to dupars in like the valley and he got fucking fish and i was like bro who gets fish i'm sitting there eating a fucking like grilled chicken sandwich and he got like fucking white fish. I was like, bro, that's so gross. And he was like, who the fuck would get white fish at a diner?

That's like you're just going to shit yourself so hard later. I'll have stomach problems. He'll get the grilled chicken and I'll just have shit in my brains out. Thank you. Makuta. So, yeah. So I went to the diners. I went three times.

Creature habit, babies. Creature habit. Woke up, got Starbucks. Went back, worked out, then did my shows, then went to a diner. Creature habit, babies. It's all I do.

You want to find Crystal Lee on the road? Find the closest Starbucks or diner. Creature habit, babies. It's all I do. You want to find Crystal Lee on the road? Find the closest Starbucks or diner. Creature habit, babies. I literally do the same thing every day. It's fucking awesome, dude. It's awesome. But don't you want to travel a lot? Bye. But don't you want to go? Bye. But don't you want to go bye but don't you want to try see ya but what if fucking sayonara i'll do what i figured out i like but don't you want to see the oops but maybe there's a step out good gunk figured it out i'm 37 Should know what I want to do. Hey, want to play flag football? Bye.

Did you want to go stand in line and fucking eat the best pancakes? Oops. No. Let's catch you later. But let's take the dogs and go to catch you on the sequel. Not watching the first one. I mean, they're getting so, so, so not nonsensical.

What I'm saying? But they all make sense. And if you're a fucking true baby, you get it, dude. You get it. You fucking get it. Man, people showed up and and dude people show up to my shows and they're fucking saying hey proud member of the cult babies that's what i'm talking about man that's what i'm fucking talking about you're showing up in your yakuta shirts or your fucking

congratulations shirts this is what i'm talking about man and pretty soon we'll be the fucking people that they're making the movies about and we'll be the ancient ones and you gotta fucking find the scrolls the elder scrolls dude we're naming an elder today by the way we're naming an elder today baby this is dick vital we're naming an elder today so stay tuned for that man I want to get Dick Vitale to fucking say that for me and help me out dude

I was at the Starbucks in New Brunswick and this guy wherever I go I get an iced Americano that's it sometimes I show up these guys know what I want the Starbucks barista will be like you get an iced Americano. That's it. Sometimes I show up. These guys know what I want. The Starbucks barista will be like, you want an iced Americano, Chris? Now that is my favorite part of the day.

Unless I'm performing. I don't have to say extra shit. This is what I've designed my life to do. I just want to walk around, not say say anything to anybody and just feel what you're feeling and just go about your day and then fucking get to perform at night and then go home go to a diner fucking chill out dude design your life the way you want to man tony robbins motherfucker sure even though tony robbins literally sounds like a fucking devil doesn't mean he's not he that guy you watch that documentary holy fuck man but uh anyway i'm getting off here

getting off track here uh what was i just saying oh so i was at the starbucks and the guy uh the guy's like what do you want and i said oh i'll get an iced americano but do me a favor can you put less water in it and just um more ice now for those of you that don't know what an iced americano is here's what it is okay it's literally shots of espresso with water in it and that's it and then an ice and that's it okay that's what i get that's my thing iced americano with fucking ice Americano. I don't put bullshit in it so whenever they say like, do you want room for, nah. By the way, do you want room for, nah. Nah, I don't want room for shit.

I'll just fucking pour some shit out if I need it. And I'm not going to be the asshole that pours it out in the trash can because that's pieces of shit. Because then the trash can's leaking and you're making everyone's job difficult i'll go outside to do it i'll do it in the sink that they always have or whatever the fuck or i'll pour it on my opener if it's hot um so i say to the guy can you do me a favor and can you just not put uh too much water in it and and and put more ice in it now i've been getting this drink for years and years and the guy looks at me and says well i would but that's literally impossible and i said uh what? And he says, well,

an iced Americano is espresso with water in it. And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. And he said, so I would put less water in it,

but that's literally impossible. And I said, and I said, oh, well, nah, it's not. I mean,

I didn't know how it does. One of those times where like, when somebody like tells you something that is just not true. And then you're like, oh, well, how do I say this in response to how do I respond to this guy without seeming like a fucking cocksucker, right? Because what he's saying is wrong. So I just said, oh, no, you could just put less water in it right and he was like no and i said and then i said well just put less water in it and he said okay and then he put less water in it so it's not literally impossible also the fact that he said literally impossible made me want to fucking punch up his face like a fucking punching bag.

Just say impossible. Okay? You never need to say literally impossible. Just say impossible. Impossible is a very strong word, and it takes care of itself you don't need you don't need any fucking uh what would it be adjective before impossible unless it's like virtually which means not impossible it's an adverb right yes okay well i don't you know, because I'm fucking dumb, dumb. But my producer does know. And he told me, so one hire them.

Not one fire. By the way, somebody tweeted me fucking a guy. It was like, oh, I finally found Chris's producer. And he screenshotted it on Facebook. And the guy's name was Juan Fire. They're like F-A-Y-E-R or something. Juan Fire. Shit, man. Juanfire. Shit, man.

Juanfire. Juanfire. So yeah, so he said it was literally impossible, but whatever. By the way, those fucking movies about the ancient shits. You know what? I tried to watch a movie. I'm not going to name what it is because I'm willing to accept that it was a good movie

but I'm just a fucking dumb shit okay so I don't want to bash the movie because there was really good acting in it but what's with these fucking movies that come out that are like about

I swear to God there's always like six of them out whether it's in the theater or or um on that'll just like they'll show up on itunes and be like oh what the fuck is this movie and it's like they're like there's or they're on netflix or Hulu or some shit and it's a new release. But these fucking movies that are like, they're always like, they take place in like the 1700s in Britain. And like everyone's wearing fucking off-white or brown or beige and boots. And it's so brown or green out and they're in castles and and literally nothing goddamn happens and or or like somebody died before the movie started and like there's a widow and like i i haven't seen girl with a pearl earring but it's like that like that movie i'm sure that movie's good i think it was nominated for some shit but like that style

of movie and and and and and there's like british actors in it but like one famous person in it in america and then the rest of them are like old guys that you've seen in movies where you're like oh yeah that guy played a fucking bad guy and like you know uh in uh one of the bond movies or some shit and that's his fucking breakout role but he's in like like the movie will be called like the lovely manuscript, you know? And like somebody died before the movie. And then like they walk around and, and they're like, and like they have tea together and like they look at each other and they,

and everything's so awkward for no fucking reason. Right? Like two people fall in love and they're having tea and they're like, Oh, well I know you like your tea like this because you told me. And they're having tea and they're like oh well i know you like your tea like this because you told me and they're like and the other person's like you sure know me quite well and then the other person's like your father and then they're like my father sure was

and the fireplace is going and then they just go like, oh, my. It's getting late, isn't it? I must go. Please. No, I must go. Please. No, I must go. Okay. Well, go, go, go, go, go, go.

And then the British lady is like, my, oh, my. And then she sips her tea. And like, that's the scene. That's the fucking scene. And we're supposed to feel bad for her because her husband died before the movie started. And now she's got a romance with some fucking younger guy that's got like fucking blonde hair. And he's wearing off white and beige. And that's the movie.

And every scene is that scene. And maybe I'm a dumb fuck. And i'm not saying every movie's got to be fast and furious that movie it sucks fat donkey balls as well because ludicrous is in it because ludicrous is in it if ludicrous is in a movie it's bad if i run for goddamn mayor which i never will but if i do my platform is going to be vote for me if ludicrous is in a movie it's bad um unless you put ludicrous in the british movie then i'll watch it and it will be great if he's got to wear fluffy fucking beethoven collars and and and and and she's like would you like a spot of tea? And he's just like, nah. Nah, I'm straight. And they're like, Ludacris, can you please say the British line?

And he's like, nah. My character's way too real, motherfucker. Dude. Ludacris's face, you know? He always looks like he's so over whatever the fuck. Every picture of him is like, I'm tired of this shit, man. Be happy. You got $4 million.

Oh, my God, dude. I'm looking at pictures of Ludacris right now. You know? Cool facial hair. Anyway. Anyway. What's that movie, dude? It keeps coming out.

These boring as shit, fucking 1700 time period fucking British movies where a girl loses a necklace. And like a fucking young guy has to help her find it and then a fucking old guy you've seen is in it uh in the movie that's a great actor but he's always in it who's that fucking guy that's in in the movie for sure um what the fuck's his name uh calm calm meanie is that a guy that guy. That fucking Calmini is in it. Yup. That fucking guy's in it. Let's just look at the titles of the Calmini movies. The British ones.

Of course can't find one now. Because all the ones that are... There's one. The Journey. What the fuck is that one? It's Irish. Oh, Calmini's Irish, right right i think he is irish yeah he's a great actor uh but anyway how old is he go right a little bit 64 bro if i got to do a movie with calm meanie i would fucking piss that'd be awesome i want be in one of those British movies so bad. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Your dress, it's quite revealing. And it just shows your neck. You're not wearing your collar. I've got a boner. You're not wearing your collar. Therefore, I squirted in my pants.

Um. I keep squirting. I keep squirting when she walks around because she doesn't because her outfit is too revealing and it just shows like her fucking calves. I can't contain myself. I can't contain myself.

She keeps showing me below her knees and I keep squirting out of my boner and then calm media comes up and he's like stop squirting out of your boner what would your father think and i'd say my father's dead He doesn't think anymore. And that's when you realize, oh, I don't like Kamini because I've always been under his thumb. And I need my own life. And then the fucking woman finds her necklace. And I put it around her neck. And that's when you realize that we're in love. I mean, this is a movie.

That's a fucking movie that we're in love i mean this is a movie that's a fucking movie that was probably made um and then i put the fucking thing around her neck and then we blink so much because we're so awkward and she says oh i believe i've forgotten my place and then i say no you just found it and then I kiss her cheek and I fucking squirt and then the movie's like got one more scene where like I ride away on a carriage going to like fucking you know for like I gotta go somewhere for three days but really or it takes three days to get there and then I stay there for like a week. And then I got to take three days and get back. And you don't know if I'm going to come back because that's what the

fucking movie is about. And it's called the beautiful fucking manuscript. Cause we're talking about manuscripts all the time or some bullshit, but that's a fucking movie. I literally, that's a movie that fucking would be on like, you'd, you'd,

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combo for that ass um so let's talk about the new cash card it's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app the cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app everywhere and anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for all payments made with the card directly via the Cash App. It's awesome. You can laser etch your card to personalize it, and it will be delivered directly to you for free. The Cash App team is constantly building new features,

so what are you doing using the other guys? Get the Cash app today. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. I saw people online saying, oh, you got to read the things? You got to read the ads? Yeah, man, what the fuck? Yeah, of course I got to read it.

You think I can memorize all that shit? Imagine how long I'd have to study to memorize that when i could just read it on a piece of paper okay come here come here butters come here fat fuck come here you fat fuck jump up you can do it and he's fucking too fat sam come here there you. There you go, Bubba. Good boy. Um, so yeah. So anyway, um, all right guys, I told you we were going to name the first elder today and we were and we are uh now we uh we we picked one and it's someone i don't know uh and they've gone above and beyond and they've influenced this show a little bit even uh so the first elber elder and i said elber but what i meant was elder because sometimes you fuck up okay now i get always when i make a mistake like that if i say elber my heart gets like i beat a little bit because i get fucking

mad that i did that but i meant elder and the first elder uh the first elder uh that is being uh or the first person that is being uh made an elder and get on with it is at is at a plumb bomb adam a uh now this guy's been a baby from the beginning and i know he's listening because he hears every episode um and he's coined the term this is what this is one of the reasons why we made him an elder because he's coined the term gaming the system. He was the first guy that said it was too easy to game the system. And he always asks questions every week. So he's been obviously very influential to the show.

And now what do you get if you're an elder? And this is what you get. You get a certificate and an exclusive little pin that you cannot purchase. Only elders will have these. We will DM with the details. So congratulations, a plumb bomb, Adam,

a, uh, I, uh, I've, I'm spending my own money to send these pins to you. Okay. Um,

and we will announce an elder as the shows progress. We will announce more and more elders. Now, that's what you get. And thank you for your listenership and your viewership or whatever. So that's it. We'll be naming more maybe next episode. So everybody wish him a congratulations. That's the congratulations

way congratulations you're an elder um so yeah i saw the movie uh it um and it was fucking scary dude that guy who plays this the the fucking uh clown was uh scary i mean mostly because of the makeup and shit but he drooled in it which That guy who plays the fucking clown was scary. I mean, mostly because of the makeup and shit. But he drooled in it, which was awesome. He was drooling so much. And then one time he – there was one time in the movie, in the beginning, where he's in the – I'm not ruining anything. But when he's in the gutter and he fucking laughs like my buddy Zach.

He's talking to the kid and he goes. And I was like, oh, I laughed so hard. You remember him from a few episodes ago. I was that guy. But yeah, that guy who played the fucking thing guy was scary, man. That fucking thing was scary. But you know what fucking bugs me, dude? Is everyone jumping on the fucking bandwagon that clowns are scary?

No, no. Clowns are notwagon that clowns are scary. No. No. Clowns are not scary. Scary clowns are scary, you fucking cootas. Scary clowns are scary. This clown fear shit is so annoying. People just think it makes them fucking interesting. Do you know what I mean?

These fucking dudes. I feel like mostly it's chicks, but maybe not. Chicks on Instagram that's like on a fucking thing like, oh my God, you know, I have a fear of clowns, but I went to go see it anyway. You don't have a fucking fear of clowns. You have a fear of fucking killers. You saw a movie about a killer clown you fucking cuda step out turn around gunk the door hit you on your fucking fake ass on the way out dude that's such a fucking congratulations combo with an extra tag at the end about how i fucking hit your fake ass because of the fucking ig world man don't be a cuda we all have a little bit of cuda in us it's just how it is you can't be human and not be cuda but keep that fucking cuda level down diminish the fucking cuda yeah man you know you don't have a sphere of clowns dude you have a fear of demon clowns

it's like saying i've got this crazy fear of serial killers like this hit this shit with the fucking subtitles and then hit nishit with the ball that goes over it hit nishit for kids hey kids you got a fear of clowns hit nishit h-e n-e-h shit with the ball

hit nishit um yeah uh so what's that anyway um it just like what was the last thing that was like that where it was like oh shit you know what was such a fucking cuda thing was the march of the penguins hey that movie was fucking boring i went to go see that because everyone was talking about how fucking good march of the Penguins was.

And I had to go see it because everyone was talking about how good it was. And it was narrated by Morgan Freeman. And oh, you feel really, you actually feel for these penguins. You actually feel for these penguins. And oh, they are monogamous. Isn't that beautiful? Nah. Hey, if you're a penguin, fuck a lot of other penguins. Or you're boring.

You're an animal. What are you trying to be faithful to your fucking female penguin for? For what? She's a penguin. Dude, if I was dating a penguin, I would cheat on it all the fucking time. Imagine being monogamous to a penguin, even if you're a penguin. The fuck? You chump beta fuck?

You beta fucking penguin? You cuda ass motherfucker? Dude. No, dude. Step out of the igloo gunk slide all the way back down to the fucking dude i and oh but the mommy sits on the fucking child for a long time and doesn't move oh really and i gotta watch that shit that's boring is it cute really you know what else is cute my two dogs i'll look at them and morgan freeman won't be like your two dogs are sitting there dude that movie was so fucking boring you know what i could have done

googled penguins marching watched some videos and then read the wikipedia page bye that was some serious um like fucking that would but that's the same thing as the scary clown thing you're jumping on the fucking bandwagon dude burn that bandwagon how many people are at burning man that really want to be at burning man how many people how many fucking people and let me tell you those people clinically insane that actually want to be there all the other people that are there are there because they think they should be there or they don't want to miss out, or they think, no, those two reasons. And either of those reasons, CUDA. And either of those reasons, I present you CUDA.

And either of those reasons, I present you in high digital Dolby sound. Cuda. I present you in IMAX theater. We'll see you later. All right. Penguins marching around. Fuck off. March of the penguins. Guys made that documentary.

They froze their fucking asses off and videoed penguins sitting on each other for months. Hey, guy who did that, go to a city. Fuck someone. Hey, guy who did that, go to a city. Eat some stuff at a restaurant. Fuck a girl. Fuck a guy. Chidoon. Hey, guy. Chidoon. Hey, guy. Filming a fucking... Oh, hey. Oh, hey.

Just found out the director of March of the Penguins name. Guess what? Of course it is. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. Wait till you hear this guy's name who directed March of the fucking Penguins. Luke? hear this guy's name who directed March of the fucking penguins? Luke Jacket or Jack wet or some shit. How do you fucking pronounce that? Jacques, Luke Jacques. Hey guys, based on the name, guess if the fucking name Luc has a K at the end of it or it ends with a C.

French as shit. Dude, nothing is more French than fucking shooting, videoing animals doing nothing. There it is the penguin as it sits on the other penguin and never fucks any other penguin

ever again because it is monogamous creature it should absolutely go fuck other penguins because whatever it is doing, it is unnecessary, because the other penguin will not get mad at it. If it goes out and fucks another penguin,

because that other penguin that is female won't be like, where the hell have you been? I have been waiting for you to get home and had to watch movies on Netflix waiting for you as your food got cold.

And now you are back and you smell like jupe. And you don't like jupe. And you don't use jupe. Also, I should go to a city and fuck someone. Oh, he's got tiny circular glasses. Found an image of him where he's got

tiny circular glasses. Couldn't look more French. Dude, if you're French and's got tiny circular glasses. Couldn't look more French. Dude, if you're French and you have tiny circular glasses and you look and so much so to where they're so tiny that if you're looking straight on that you can still see the legs of the glasses because they're so tiny. And then the fucking legs are, are, are fucking widening out even on a straight on shot. And you know what I'm fucking talking about then you were born in france and you are still in france and you have never left france even if you leave france then wherever you are that's france you could be in fucking zimbabwe wherever you are that counts as france i would like new glasses. Do you have...

Do you have glasses that you can see the legs of the glasses even straight on, even though you shouldn't? I will get those because I am... Yeah, bro. So... Anyway. uh so anyway um what but i was going to talk about something the fucking uh fear clowns and shit but whatever what no i was going to talk about the emmys but it's like i just don't i don't i don't know Every actor goes up there and it's like, and also recycle.

You're like, oh yeah, dude, you know, you were in a fucking movie or a TV, a TV movie. Hey, I just wanted to let you know, you know, thanks to my wonderful director, my beautiful director. This is the penguin, Luke Jacket. It was so cold for so long. And I sat on another, I sat on my daughter penguin for so long. And I'm sure my husband penguin didn't fuck anyone else. Because that's how we penguins are. Luke Jacket, thank you.

Thank you, Luke Jacket. Even though you should have went to a city and fucked someone. Please recycle. Thank you. When we come back, a beetle from planet Earth. When we come back, a beetle from planet Earth. This is the goat that stands on a wall. This is the goat that stands on the side of the mountains. Second Emmy.

He was first nominated for planet Earth. Now he's nominated for the documentary goat standing on the side of a wall precariously for Planet Earth. Now, he's nominated for the documentary Goat Standing on the Side of a Wall Precariously for Some Reason. What are those fucking things? They're called like ENAZ or some shit? They stand on the side of a fucking wall? What are they fucking called? Why doesn't that fucking... Oh, the IBEX.

That's what it's called. Hey, why don't... Hey, I hey ibexes why are you not falling ibexes stand on the side of these fucking walls and the walls have nothing on it they could literally stand on a fucking flat wall ibexes hey ibex do you have a deal with satan Ibex, do you have a deal with Satan? Hey, Ibex, how do you fucking stick to the side of a wall? Hey, Ibex, use the stairs. The fuck is an Ibex doing, dude? That's the fucking sexiest animal, dude.

I swear to God, other female Ibex look at male Ibex and their fucking pussies get so wet that they slip and fall and their four legs shoot out from under them because they're like, how does he fucking do it? All Ibex are David Copperfield? Dude, how the fuck do Ibex stand on the side of the wall like that? They literally are just scrunched up against the wall standing on nothing. Hey, dude, how do you make March of the fucking Penguins when you should make fucking Side of the Wall Ibex? Make that fucking documentary. There the Ibex is.

Stuck to the side of the wall. Literally nothing is under its feet. How does it do it? Magic or nothing? I mean, some ancient people say that this side of the Ibex is sticky.

Therefore, it cannot fall. But we all know that is not true. Because, I mean, Google some of these fucking things. We'll have them on the video podcast for sure. We'll show you Ibex. I mean, look at this fucking thing walking, dude. Look at this thing walking on the side of a wall. The wall's fucking 90 degrees.

Anyway. I don't, you know. When we come back and ibex emmys also what's going on in the world hey also what's going on in the world was terrible we shouldn't be pushed to be something that we're not we We should be not in the protests. And if you protest, then it's good. And also, you should recycle, just so you know, because so many dolphins are getting strangled because of Coke bottle holder togethers. Anyway, I'd really like to thank everyone. I loved doing my role in Narcos.

You know? I loved doing my role in Westworld Recycle. I played a robot. I played a fucking robot. Thanks for the Emmy. By the way, everybody, what's going on on the other side of the world, make sure we save everybody. Thanks for the gold. Bye. Thanks for giving me gold. Now I'll make $10 million on my next project because of this. Also, babies need to learn more. Bye. I mean, really, dude, take your fucking award, say thanks, fucking congratulate your castmates see ya it's an honor also see ya um yeah but anyway so like fucking sit every time my buddy texts me i've got a buddy that texts me about like girls that he's seeing and he always does the slow play and he takes so long like he'll be like yeah i don't know i don't

know if she's into me or whatever and i always text him i fucking always text him a picture of an ibex on the side of a wall because like that's what he is he's just fucking standing in the middle of nowhere shouldn't be and like figure it out anytime you have a a buddy that's like i don't know if she likes me or like hung out with the girl seven times and hasn't like fucking at least gotten the like third base whatever that is i don't even know what that is dick sucking or whatever like you know so crash but also text him a picture of an Ibex stuck on the side of the wall because that's what that motherfucker is. You hang out with a girl seven, eight times. Didn't kiss her. Yeah.

Ibex. Hey, dude, you've hung out with a girl seven times and all you did was hold her hand and never got your dick touched yibex that's what you are swatch are are. YIBEX? No? Take your dick out. Hey, dude, come on, man. Get it going, dude. I don't know. I don't know, though, you know? I don't know if she's into me, you Ibex.

Hang out with her twice, hang out with her three times, hang out with her four times, you encroaching on Ibex territory. Fucking standing in the middle of the way. When your buddy, I want to see screenshots as your fucking baby duties. I want to see screenshots of you. I don't know if your buddy texts you. I don't know if she's into me.

I don't know if he's into me. Whatever it is, text a picture of an Ibex on the side of the wall and write right to your buddy he ibex why uh fucking apostrophe ibx it's like hakuta only different um so yeah goats on the side of a wall man uh or if it's two people if it's two people be like oh this is the two of you and show two goats on a wall this is the two of you this is what the two you guys did last night cool um anyway all right all right let me look at my let me see if i have a good one and i oh you know what i actually did find a good uh i um what do you call it um instagram post since the internet is always really really fucking shinty on this side of the fucking... Here we go. Here we go. This one was actually an ad I found.

And this is great. Hey, guys. It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. Okay, guys.

Now, this is an ad and it is not a post from someone but is a post from something called awesome t-shirt which you can follow i don't even know i can't even click on it so i don't know what the fuck maybe it's not there anymore but you know i don't know how these ads you know you'll be scrolling through you you're on the phone with your buddy and you mention like fucking you know rihanna and then like you go on instagram later and and like and and then you scroll through all your feed and then all of a sudden there's fucking it's a it shows a post that rihanna's coming to fucking the area that you're coming in if you want to buy rihanna tickets and you're like oh okay cool so because i said rihanna on the phone and

now that now that instagram knows that and they're sending me, maybe I want to get Rihanna tickets, I'm supposed to believe that the world isn't doomed? Cool. So this is something like that. And I don't know why I got an awesome t-shirt ad, but maybe I fucking mentioned awesome t-shirts. So this is the shirt they're trying to sell. It doesn't even have,

it says buy it here in the comment, but this is the shirt. Now the guy is really, really buff, of course, because if there's an Instagram post of someone wearing a shirt promoting something, the guy's got to be subject it looks terrible now um uh so okay now i don't know i i found this one in june and this is it says in in the fucking on the shirt it's got like one of those uh you know i'm going to screenshot it and tweet it actually but it's got one of those uh like things you get.

What do you call those things on like these things on like the side of like nutrition fact guides on the side of anything you buy at the supermarket. And on the top, it says June guy facts, which I guess if you're born in June, you can get this shirt. And I'm sure you can get it in every other month because it is an awesome T-shirt. And I'm sure that awesome T-shirts, I'm sure they want to make money. So they got all the months and they make you feel real good. You fucking cuda. So this shit just blew my fucking mind, dude. Dude, servings per container.

24-7. All right? So already, that's so wrong. Don't even look it up. Let me read it to you, dude. Already, it's so wrong. Okay? June guy facts.

Servings per container, 24-7. Already, it's not a good idea because it doesn't fit in with what you're doing right already trying to fit a fucking square peg in a round hole okay here we go oh my god and then it's got the percentage daily value and under it okay it's got all the fucking ingredients quote unquote and all the fucking percentages of the ingredients. I mean, unbelievable. Protective as hell. 155%. Okay. So I guess that means overprotective. Cute. I mean, I don't even know what, this is already off the rails. Psychic. Psychic. 120% psychic. Okay. Artistic. 100 100 so less than being psychic and less than being protective as hell which is which already you're dealing with a fucking crazy person i'm more protective than i

am artistic but i'm more psychic than i am artistic too okay rebellious 90 so you still follow 10 of the rules this is one of my favorites tell it like it is 100 which means you never don't tell it like it is this is actually unbelievable this Loyal to a fault. 200%. Which is great because that, like, I always love how every fucking, like, motherfucking, like, balling ass motherfucker thinks they're the most loyal person. And, like, badass bitches, the girls that coin themselves i'm a badass bitch i'm like because i'm a hundred percent loyal this guy's 200 loyal like you're not you know you can be pretty loyal or you can be really loyal that's it that's fucking it you're not fucking like everybody is everybody is a goddamn, you know,

everybody's in a ludicrous song, I'm loyal to my dog, you're not DMX, you're fucking some guy, you know, who works at fucking, uh, Wachovia Bank, Wachovia Bank, you know, you're're not a fucking what are you loyal for what what's that mean you call your friends back whoa loyal to a fault 200 by the way that's not good to a fault is not good just put loyal this guy's so loyal he fucks his own life up is that what that means he's too loyal that he fucks up other life up? Is that what that means? He's too loyal that he fucks up other people's lives? Is that what that means, you fucking dumb June guy fax shirt? Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Temperamental. Why is this one even on it? Temperamental. 195%. Who comes up with the percentages?

Like they're actually thinking like, well, not as much as loyal to a fault. Like, you know, that'd be crazy. But pretty fucking close on temperamental. Hi, that's bad. That's bad to be that temperamental. Imagine saying, yo, you should meet my friend Derek. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he's 195% temperamental.

You'd be like, oh, I'll never want to meet that guy. And then the guy will be like, yeah, but he's 190% psychic. Well, okay. I'll take my chances. He's 155% protective as hell, though. Okay, after loyal to a fault and temperamental problem solving. Okay. 105%.

So a little over a hundred percent, you can solve any problem and any problem that might arise later that doesn't even exist in the world yet. I guess this is what that means. By the way, my favorite is that never has anything been below 100% except for rebellious. So he kind of stays in line, but also he's protective of his health, psychic, artistic, tell it like it is, loyal to a fault, temperamental, and problem-solving, off the charts, literally. Okay? Then the next one is lie-detecting. 155%, which is the same, I might add, as protective as hell.

So as much as he can protect you and overprotect you, he can also tell if you're fucking lying which which means he's got to be a motherfucker to be in a relationship with this is my favorite this is my favorite one they get better and better and which is amazing because it starts with protective as hell which is my which is my favorite when i first read it and then i keep getting better and they've been getting better and better okay i like this one because it has a caveat on it sweetest if treated well and this one is a whopping 500 percent so if you treat this guy well, he's 500% sweet, how sweet is that,

just always talking to you like this, and putting sugar in your mouth, and rubbing your back, who wants that, dry the pussy up, dry the pussy up, dry the pussy up, dry the pussy up,

dry the pussy up, this is the last one, up. Try the pussy up. Try the pussy up. This is the last one. And this is so would be the last one with a guy who would wear this shirt. Okay. Dangerous when provoked. Guess how much percent? Guess. Oh, for sure. 1,000%. Yo, straight up, don't fuck with guys only born in June. I mean, this is just supposed to be guys born in June, you know? Are there other ones? But April guy facts.

It's the same fucking thing, right? If it's the same thing, I'll fucking... I swear to God, if it's the same fucking thing... Go ahead. Right there. Oh, it's the same fucking thing yo fuck this shit imagine wearing this and being a june guy fact and then seeing another guy january guy fact and he's got the same percentages and shit you fucking dicks at the end it says daily value may vary huh

you fucking dicks At the end it says daily value may vary. Huh? You fucking dicks. If you ever get a fucking shirt like that, I swear to God, you're the biggest cuda of all time. You're the biggest fucking cuda of all time if you get that shit. Fucking any facts that aren't facts, I kick you out the door. Ga-gunk. Protective as hell, ga-gunk. Psychic, ga-gunk out the door. G-Gunk! Protective as hell, G-Gunk. Psychic, G-Gunk. Artistic, G-Gunk.

Tell it like it is, G-Gunk. I got ten doors for you motherfuckers. I got ten doors. This is noises off in this bitch. You wear that shirt, it's fucking noises off in this bitch. G-Gunk, G-Gunk, G-, gunk, gunk, gunk, gunk. I'm so heated I'm not even taking fucking, hey, Aplombomb, go back to Aplombomb's thing.

Whoa, go to Aplombomb, the first elder's homepage. Dude, he's got 70 different, he's got more haircuts than fucking De Niro. Anyway, congratulations to the first elder. We're wrapping this up. We're not taking fucking... Should we take... Should we take questions?

Fuck it, you know? It's been an hour and 10 minutes. Hey, have you guys switched to Square Cash yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Design your cash card. Get it for iOS or Android now. We're wrapping up. Video episodes go up on Thursdays, if not before.

So check the show out on YouTube. Watch it. You get to see me talking shit and not just listen to it. We've got some upcoming shows I'm going to get to. But watch Man on Fire on Netflix. If you haven't watched it, watch it and share that with your friends. I'd love it if you watched it. If you didn't watch it, if you didn't watch it, here come the shows, my upcoming shows.

Charlotte, North Carolina. Boone, North Carolina. I'm playing the Appalachian State University. Charlotte, North Carolina. Adelaide, Australia. I'm playing the Appalachian State University. Charlotte, North Carolina, Adelaide, Australia, Perth, Australia, Melbourne, Australia, Sydney, Australia, Brisbane, Australia. And then I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio in November, Irvine, California in November to December, and then San Jose, California. I'm selling tickets really fast there. So go get them now, San Jose and Irvine for sure. Ohio just got put up.

But listen, I'm trying to grow this fucking podcast and get this cult going. If it doesn't happen more and more, we stop it. If you're not growing, you're stalling. You know how it goes, man. So rate and review this podcast, please, when you're done with this. And go tweet it to your friends, text it to your friends, share it on Instagram, and help me out and grow this cult as a baby. Also, news, we're on Spotify. So if you want to listen to the podcast on Spotify, you can do that too. Now, I don't know how you're going to learn that if you're already listening to it here now, because this is where you're listening to it. But my producer asked me to say that we're on Spotify, you can do that too. Now, I don't know how you're going to learn that if you're already

listening to it here now because this is where you're listening to it. But my producer asked me to say that we're on Spotify even though this isn't Spotify. One fire. One fire. So, chrystalia.com or congratulations.com. Twitter is at congratspod

or hashtag congratulationspod and get these questions going to me. Thank you very much. Congratulationspod.com, chrisclay.com. Rate and review, please. Do that. And I'll see you at a show soon. Take care, my babies.

And remember, it's free conch. Congratulations. Congratulations. And remember, free conch.