Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 349. Doinkin' Donuts

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

MY NEW SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia 😏 If you want totally ad/commercial free, uncensored/extended episodes 1 day early +1 entire bonus episode per month, exclusive merch + Discord & exclusive content... come over to Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia This week Chris has got crullers, Andre 3000, and some thoughts about Baltimore. Plus even more donuts and a new holiday schedule. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

runk stop what you're doing and go get my special oh stop what you're doing stop listening to this podcast is basically what i'm saying go get my special at chris d'alia.com it's all uh it's called grow or die and uh you can check that out and you can check that out before you come see me on tour because when i'm on tour i I'm doing a whole new hour. And I will be in Philadelphia, Trenton, Redding, Pennsylvania, Oxnard, California, Sacramento, January 12th, Brea, California. I just added actually some dates there at the club, which will be fun.

January 18th. And then Phoenix. I'm going back to the Celebrity Theater. I love that theater. One of my favorite places to perform. Come on out, Phoenix, January 20th. And then El Pas I'm going back to the Celebrity Theater. I love that theater. One of my favorite places to perform. Come on out, Phoenix, January 20th. And then El Paso, I'm going to be there. And then Albuquerque, which we'll see what happens there because I have a long and checkered history with Albuquerque

on January 27th. So let's do it. And so, yeah, go to chrislea.com we also got awesome merch there the grow or die merch it's absolutely that hoodie is and i don't say this but it's freaking sick um it's high high quality um go to chrislea.com anyway here comes the next episode of congratulations Love. Congratulations. I see. I see. I see.

The fan isn't plugged in. I see. And the reason why the fan isn't plugged in is because I need to have my phone plugged in. So that means that I didn't plug my phone in last night. And it also means that it's going to be too hot in here. And those are just subsequential events that happen to transpire this moment. So look, here's the deal. I didn't charge my phone last night. The reason why it was 10 p.m. and I was absolutely exhausted. So I went upstairs. My wife wanted to clean the

whole place. She wanted to clean the whole house. And I say, really? And she says, yeah. And I say, well, okay, you can clean the whole house. But what do we do about Calvin and putting him to bed? Because I am so freaking tired. So I said, why don't I bring up Calvin into my bed and to our bed? And we go and we'll watch some cartoons and stuff. Whenever you're done done cleaning the place you come up and you put calvin to bed right so i bring calvin to bed at 10 i put on something like justice justice league cartoons or something cute you know something kristen will just watch anything with calvin that calvin wants she'll be like let's watch a big claymation pac-man eating a bunch of you know uh ghosts um but i can do that for like five minutes and then i go like this okay i have to watch something else so i kind of find the middle right i'm i'm like hey calvin what do you want to watch? I bring him. By the way, it is late. It's 10 p.m.

Whatever. He says, I want to watch Big Giant Pac-Man. And I go like this. How about we just look at what's on Paramount Plus? We compromise on Disney Plus. I turn it on and there's like a Justice League thing. And so I put on cartoons. I go, boom. And he starts watching. And I go like a Justice League thing. And so I put on cartoons. I go, boom. And he starts watching.

And I go like this. Pass out completely. The next thing I remember is that it is 9 a.m. It's 9 a.m. All of a sudden, I blink and it's 9 a.m. It's 9 a.m. All of a sudden I blink and it's 9 a.m. Yes, dude. You got so much sleep. It's unbelievable, man.

It is like, dude, and let me tell you something. I do this podcast always at 5 p.m. or 4 p.m. Sometimes if I have a lot of things to do, I might do it at like 2 p.m. Sometimes I do it at 8 p.m. I get nutty dude Right now Doing this podcast It is 10.30am

Dude I got so much sleep And the reason why I got so much sleep Is because I changed my Dude he let people get to his head He let people get to his head Is what he did because I wanted to leave. Look, dude, I used to be the kind of guy that is just like, all right,

I'm going to take the earliest flight ever so I could have my whole day. I'm going to do that. If there was a flight at 6 a.m., I took it. Thank God there wasn't a flight at 4 a.m. because guess what? Your boy would have took it. I always said to my travel agent, earliest one, because I wanted to get back. But guess what?

For what? What do you need to get back for, comedian guy? Huh? What do you need to get back for? A 9 p.m. show at the Laugh Factory? Nah. So I go like this. Wait, one day, I'm just sitting by myself, tired as shit at the airport at like 4 i go like this wait one day i'm just sitting by myself tired as shit

the airport at like 4 30 a.m because you got to get picked up earlier you know and starbucks isn't even open you know that that uh dunkin donuts isn't even open they're trying to rebrand themselves only to be dunkin but yeah right change all the signs first i'm not calling you dunkin until you change every single sign that you have you You're Dunkin' Donuts. They're not even open yet. I'm at the airport like this, and I go like this. Why do I fly? Why do I fly out?

Why do I fly out at 5.40 a.m.? I started flying out late. At least 2 p.m. Onward, dude. Guess what? I didn't get sick anymore. I didn't get sick. Sleep is the remedy, dude. It is the remedy.

A little bug might go like this. A little bug might be like, a little bug might be going, ooh, doing twirly whirlers. Where can I fit? Where can I fit? Ooh, is that that guy from, is that the guy from Undateable?

Right on my tongue, right? If I have enough sleep, my sleepness goes, attack. If I don't have enough sleep, my sleepness goes, what's going on? Who happened?

Where? Oh, there's an antibody. There's a there's a there's a foreign body oh the antibodies are just too tired man and then go and i get sick but dude the other day this is my crew okay lulu denny sam enrique we're all traveling and it's awesome okay lulu Lulu and Denny go like this. Yo, the flight's at 5 p.m. That's, wait, no.

Yeah, the flight's at 5 p.m. That's crazy. I don't want to waste the whole day. We're going to go early. So they leave at 7 a.m. I go like this. You guys are going to get sick. Wow, I'm crazy.

You guys are going to get sick. They go, well, you know what? I'm just going to do it. I go, you guys are going to get sick. They go, well, you know what? I'm just going to do it. So Sam's like, you want to stay the whole day? And guess what? Because here's the thing.

I was in Baltimore. Now, before we even get into when I took the flight, let's get into Baltimore. Hey, Baltimore, what are you? Hey, Baltimore, what's going on in your city? hey, Baltimore, what's going on in your city? Now, let me actually start by saying the people in Baltimore are awesome. The people in Baltimore, I find to be really, I love their energy. They seem cool.

They're on the level. But hey, buildings in Baltimore, what's going on? Hey, the grayness in Baltimore, what's going on with you? Hey, places that are too spread apart that I have to walk to. For instance, if I need to go to the bank, that's cool. But then why is the Starbucks nine blocks away? Hey, Baltimore, what are you? Hey, Baltimore, have a meeting, get all your buildings close together and stay there. And that's the city.

Okay. Cause guess what? I don't want to have to walk nine blocks to get to somewhere else. That's second on my errand list because that's more time for me to get my wig split. Cause Baltimore you're violent as shit so maybe it's not the problem that there's a lot of crime in baltimore maybe the problem is the places are too spread out because if the places were together right who's gonna rob someone near a bunch of people, right? It's like hyenas. They wait for the lion to get away from the pride.

Hey, Baltimore, you're too gray and spaced out. So Baltimore is, the city is just so, and also it's one of those cities that has steam coming up out of the ground. Like what, you know, like, like where you're like, oh, is this Gotham? You know, like New York has that, but some places, Baltimore, everywhere you turn, there's just steam coming out of the ground. Like, like a giant is vaping under a hotel and so i get to baltimore and i say hey man is there a coffee shop around not like a chain one and the guy says yeah starbucks is right around the corner and And I say, okay, you're not listening to what I'm saying or you're demented.

Is there a different one? And he was like, oh, no. You know what? There's one in the hotel. I go in one in the hotel. It's fine. It's great. It's nice.

And I'm there. And Sam's like, you sure you don't want to leave tomorrow early? And I say, yeah, I'll look into it. And I let Sam color my decision. And I got a flight at 7 a.m. And I connected in Salt Lake City. Now, everyone on the plane from Baltimore to, like, I thought, it's weird to have a direct flight from Baltimore to Salt Lake City. Like, what is that?

You know? It's like, oh, you're just, like, I guess people here need to get there. But they did. And the plane was blonde as shit. So they were Mormon as fuck. But I did and I didn't sleep much. And then I landed in Salt Lake City. I fell asleep the whole flight.

This is so interesting, even though it's not. I fell asleep the whole flight from Baltimore to, what do you call it? Salt Lake City. Got to Connect Gang, Connect Gang, ping, ping, bang, and then flew back to LAX, dude, and then came home, was tired as shit the whole day, dude. Was tired as shit the whole day. I'm going like this. I'm going to get sick, and I'm going to get canker sores, dude. Some virus is going to be spreading. God damn it. I don't even have herpes, but it's going to sprout. Something's going to happen, dude. I'm gonna have not have my wits about me i'm gonna walk outside a bus is gonna hit me something's gonna go on dude my mom used to be

like eat or you're gonna get sick i swear she should have been like sleep or you're gonna get sick so anyway i uh i i get home play with the kids dude it. It's awesome, man. I'm with Billy. I'm with Callan. I'm with Kristen. And it's just great. 10 o'clock. I conk out. I know I said this already. Woke up, it's nine. Bro, let me tell you something.

11 hours of sleep. Let me tell you something. Dude, I don't know what it is about people who brag about got four hours of sleep. Hey, hey, dude. Me? Only got two hours of sleep last night. Hey, hey, hey, me? How hard do I work? Only got two hours of sleep last night. And now I'm at the job. You know, people be like, hey, dude, sleep is the cousin of death. No, sleep is sleep. Death

is what's going to happen if you don't get enough of it. Dude, I got 11 hours of sleep and I'm Superman. Okay. And so the people who don't get eight hours of, I need at least eight to nine hours of sleep. If you don't, Hey, people who don't get that people who don't, people who do three, four hours of sleep, like Brent Morin, or, you know, who you are out there. My dad used to do it. Hey, people who only get a little bit of sleep dude eight hours get it go to bed early get it otherwise you're gonna get dementia one day the rocks always up posting i work hard uh uh travel lots grind doesn't stop sleep zero dude you you will die you're one day you're gonna wake up from that one hour sleep from 3 a.m to 4 a.m and you're just gonna go like this whoa i actually i can't smell what i can't

smell what the rock is cooking anymore you're gonna be like where am i who am i what plane is this you're gonna die sleep is the most important thing. And that's why I'm invincible, dude. Fuck yeah, man. Anyway, man, that's the whole thing about sleeping. That's great. Can't wait to be in Phoenix and El Paso and Albuquerque and Brea and Oxnard and Philadelphia and Reading. I don't know what's up with Trenton, dude. That theater's got to get it together. I need to get started, start selling more tickets. I don't know what's going on. The checkout process is horrendous for them.

Like when people get my tickets, I want them to go to my site and just be like. But, you know. So what do we have here? what do we have here? What do we have here? The new Andre 3000 album. That sucks. There you have it.

That sucks. Hey, do bars. Hey, dude. Hey, the review of the Andre 3000 album is in right now hey it sucks do bars hundred thousand do bars or don't do anything i i there are these people that we get behind that are just whatever they do it's it's so amazing, right? Like Keanu Reeves is one of them, okay? Keanu Reeves could go out, take his shoes off in the sand, and just take a large dump in a boy's sandcastle, and people will be like, man, that Keanu Reeves, it's so cool how he gives to the community, you know, and Andre 3000 is one of those people,

right? People think he's a genius. And I'm like, I like, look, his music is fine. When they came out with, let's go through the,

let's go through the outcast catalog. Okay. Let's go through the outcast catalog out. Outcast is one of those outcast was so big when I when I had to spell Outcast really, like the actual word, I would still do it with a K, and I'd be like, wait a minute, that's not right. So that's how big they are. Outcast discography. All right. So let's go through the Outcast discography here.

In order, right? Okay. See, now I'm pissed because it's not in order all right southern playalistic whatever that one was it was great right stankonia was i don't know oh equim and i was good atlans was the shit atlans was the shit dude but here's the deal i don't know we're not doing the discography but um once they got to this song, like I could handle, like, hey, yeah, I could handle. Right? It was a bop.

Once they got to the one where they were like, and the whole world loves it when you play that song a lot. Once it got to that one. So Outkast was really good at making songs where I was like, wow, all right. Okay. And the second time I heard the song, I was like, well, okay. The third time I heard the song, I go, all right, this is a lot. I don't know. You know?

That, hey, the first time you hear it, oh, shit. The second you hear it, oh. The third time you hear it, you're like, oh, this is it, really? Oh, this is it, huh? It's just a bop kind of okay dude the fucking whole world in during that song i go all right in the middle of the song i go this is the most annoying song i ever heard in my life my entire life okay after the whole world loves it when you put that song i wrote what that song is i was done i was done with outcasts and i like this. I don't know if I'm really an outcast guy. Big boy, I could get behind. Andre, I don't know if I could get behind it anymore. Right?

Then he was in a movie with Mark Wahlberg and Garrett Hedlund. And I go, you know what, dude, you know what dude i'm actually done is it called four brothers or something and then you didn't hear from andre 3000 in a while and i was like that's dope it's cool to fade into oblivion i want to do that i didn't make that money yet though right when i make that money then i will people are so a lot of people are mad i still do stand-up comedy dude i'll tell you what give me a whole bunch of money i'm done haters fund me um so then he released the flute thing and now people are just like oh it remember when he was like traveling around with the flute just in like new wherever the fuck he was people like oh there's a hundred thousand i had no idea and they were just viral videos of him playing the flute

and everyone was like oh shit look at that look at this guy just walking the earth just playing the flute like a fucking cool dude dude could you imagine like somebody who didn't like starting to do that you'd be like this guy lost his mind fuck him okay so anyway he came out

with that you'd be like this guy lost his mind fuck him okay so anyway he came out with this album 150,000 is releasing his first album in over 17 years wow and look i get it you don't want to rap anymore i think that's cool god bless but when guys get too rich and too out of touch, and then they're like, I'm going to pick up a flute or start collecting old cameras. They're gone, man. They're gone. They're gone, dude. Imagine being around somebody with a flute, you know? Look, these are the track lists. Look, these are the track lists.

I swear I really wanted to make a rap album, but this is literally the way the wind blew me this time. That's the first one. The second track is, the slang word, I can't say it, right? P-U-S-S-Y, rolls off the tongue with a far better ease than the proper word vagina.

Do you agree? That's the second track. Dude, imagine being in concert, being like, all right, here's my next one. The slang word rolls off the tongue with far better ease than the proper word vagina. Do you agree? Do, here comes track three. The night in Hawaii when I turned into a panther and started making these low register purring tones

that I couldn't control. Shit was wild. There's another one. My bipolar disorder's daughter wears a 3000 button down and burglary uh wow so um look at this this new direction got the seal of approval from friends like Tyler creator and Frank Ocean although Andre probably didn't need it. He's just happy when he's playing the flute. Yeah, so like don't, like, I tell you, if I see a comedian all of a sudden come out with like a rock album, you know,

or like they start like doing something that's not comedy, no. I'm telling them, oh yeah, this sucks, dude. I'm not Frank Ocean-ing your shit. If all of a sudden Eric Griffin starts, you know what I mean? Painting? I don't know. Dude, Future is 40?

The rapper? Is that what you're saying here? He is? that's crazy i thought he was like 30 sensational hey hey hey hey future it's your birthday happy birthday sensational hey future's happy birthday when's jay-z's birthday um wow dude i being fucking in your 40s is so dope and then being 30s is cool being in your 40s is so dope it's so dope dope. You know, you got a little bit of gray, you know, and me, I've been working out. So I am beefy, right? You've seen the latest picture

on my Instagram. I go, what the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Right? And that was just a still from a video. I go, stop the video, screen cap it. Stop the video, screen cap it, dude. Stop the cap. Don't we have that? Which one is it? Hmm. I don't see it. Hey, dude, stop the video. Stop the cap. Put the video on.

Stop the cap. Dude, I go, my shoulders go crazy, right? I took it, posted a few pictures of it. Whatever. All good. I'm beef. Beef supreme. But the deal is, 40s is where it's at and then 50s is

not really where it's at but 50 to 56 is okay but after that bro have you seen hugh jackman lately the guy got divorced and it's like he leveled up they're doing another wolverine dead Deadpool movie and it's like, when are they going to get a new Wolverine? They got to get a 25-year-old Wolverine. A short, they should do it differently, like a really short,

stocky dude. Like how he is in the comics. So its future is 40 and joe biden's birthday so joe biden's got his last birthday coming up here um joe biden's birthday how old is joe biden jesus christ joe biden 81, so he's 81. That's just too old. I mean, dude, he's 81, and Barack Obama is still only 62. Whoa, dude, Barack Obama was president when he was like seven. That was so long ago. Joe Biden is 72.

Yo, 81. jill biden is 72 yo 81 what is this what is this the guy does a fucking um half court shot in uh what do you call it dude i feel unbelievable i got 11 hours of sleep and then i woke up and i drank that magic mine and i just go oh it's on what is this why won't it why won't it load great good so good you guys use twitter or x still is it good elon said something i don't i didn't look into it but people were like oh yeah he's a a Nazi or something because he said something. And it's like, oh, here we go. Bro went down from the half-court shot. Oh! You had the distance.

You had the distance. Anthony, come back, Anthony. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. He fucked himself up. The music. Let's get you up, Anthony. You didn't get it from half court, but we're going to give you a chance. Let him go down.

Three point line. Sick, dude. So disrespectful to play the fucking. Look, it hurts himself so bad. Missed it so far. You have the distance. You have the distance. Anthony, come back Anthony

the music oh dude so disrespectful to the ghost DJs after that or whatever the fuck that's from oh no he broke his fucking femur at night I dream of you you want to be your lady baby if your game

is on give me a combo oh my god I can't feel my legs. Get me fucked and make it all for you. Last night. Oh, my God. We need the fucking ambulance to come. At night, I dream of you. Who are you?

Be your lady, baby. Oh, my God. I can't feel my fucking legs. If the beat is on, we give it all night. Oh, he shit himself, dude. Clear. If your beat is on, we give it all night. Oh, he shit himself, dude. Clear. If your feelings right, I'd save it all for you. He shit himself all over the medevac.

Dude. Wow, Calvin just said, Dad, you're loud from the outside. Calvin, am I too loud? So disrespectful, dude. This is how you get so many toys. Dude, the music was great. Looking Glass Podcast. This is from Logan.

Looking Glass Podcast. Looking Glass Podcast. Suck one. Go to holler.baby slash Chris D'Elia if you want to purchase a 10-word ad or a shout-out on this podcast. Dude, oh, man, imagine being the guy doing the half a quart. How about the 10 freeway? Is it back? Wow.

The what? Hey, dude, thanks, Biden. Hey, dude, thanks obama um so there was a big fire under the 10 freeway and everyone got and i honestly i was like great the traffic's gonna be so bad the traffic's so bad dude we were in where was i somewhere and they were like oh sorry about the traffic i was like man i'm from la and they laughed and it was it was great. We identified and shit with each other. But the 10 Freeway was on fire. And they were like, it's going to be closed indefinitely. And it opened back up last week.

And that's where you come to hear for the news. So that happened. And that's great. And thank God because the traffic was going to be bad. And that's okay. But that's where you come to hear for the news. So that's the news. This is the news. And congratulations.

The 10 freeway was closed. Now it's back open. So anyway. But it's going to be Thanksgiving. It is Thanksgiving, actually. It is that. It's Thanksgiving. You're listening to this podcast.

If you're a Patreon member, it's on Wednesday. You're listening to this. Hello, how are you? But if it's on YouTube, it's Thursday. So hello, how are you? And happy Thanksgiving. I don't know if people watch this podcast on Thanksgiving or if you're listening to this. Hello, how are you? But if it's on YouTube, it's Thursday. It's hello, how are you? And happy Thanksgiving. I don't know if people watch this podcast on Thanksgiving or if you're going to wait until Friday.

In which case, Thanksgiving was yesterday. But it's like, dude, let's celebrate. Or let's not because it's very, very violent in the past, you know? Very violent. Thanksgiving is nice to get the family together. But you know what my wife said? And this is so true. This is nice to get the family together, but you know what my wife said? And this is so true. This is so true.

Why is Thanksgiving... Giving... Because this is... I don't like tradition. We know this about... Congratulations, right? Because this is, I don't like tradition. We know this about, congratulations, right?

The 20th, on the 23rd. Why is it on the 23rd? In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln designated the national holiday Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday in November. So he just designated it. Okay, so come 1938, President Roosevelt changed it to the third Thursday in November. That's some that's some like you know he wanted to he's like nah that's some power shit but it wasn't very popular oh really oh so now it's the fourth thursday in november jesus christ i mean so all right if it's so arbitrary make it in june just make it or you know in february it after christmas dude it's too much because everyone ends up getting either married or having a significant other and then you're fucked dude right you got

to go do the shit uh november 23rd and then a month later you got to go do the other shit on the 25th of December because it's Christmas or whatever holiday you're celebrating uh Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever the hell it is we all collectively or maybe it was Abe Lincoln decided that it was just going to be a month before Christmas hey that sucks dude it's too hectic make it earlier and halloween too dude you know what there's so many holidays all bunched up at the end of the year and it's every year you're gonna go ahead and make that shit every year every year we're gonna be like oh i gotta you know how many people commit suicide because of the holidays it's because they're all bunched up and then new year yo this is actually tripping me out

let's space this out right now first of all i'm not even going to count the bullshit ones like uh these are the main ones uh christmas Thanksgiving, Halloween, New Year's. Dude, October, November, December. They're all three months together. That sucks. So we got four. So here's when they're going to be, dude. Christmas, let's leave it because it's the biggest one.

To 25th. Great. New Year's is now March 25th. Great. New Year's is now March 25th. I just remember 4th of July. It's pretty big. March, June, July. New Year's is March 25th. July 4th can be July 20th.

So now you celebrate July 4th, July 20th. You can still call it 4th of July, but it's the fucking 20th because you get 25th, March, April, May, June. You get three.

Then, no, that was her. It's fine. Then you get June, July, August, September. That can be Halloween.

September, May. What comes next? October, November. I guess Thanksgiving's fucked, dude. There's too many. You know what, dude? Get rid of... I don't want to do this because it sucks,

but I'm American. Get rid of 4th of July. Which one should we get rid of? It's either Halloween or 4th of July. So, you know, there's too many sluts out there that they, well, the sluts go crazy on 4th of July too, right? The sluts get all dressed up American slutty. I think sluts more probably, they hold, they hold it down. But here's the thing though, because Halloween is supposed to be for kids. So you keep Halloween. The sl's got to go crazy on the 4th of July.

I just, you combine Halloween into the slut holiday with the kids. That's not, doesn't sound right, but then you leave 4th of July out of it. All right. So that's what we do. And you get, or you know what we do? This is what we do. You get rid of Halloween. You get rid of 4th of July and you just have the sluts go crazy on Thanksgiving. You get them with the fucking, you know, the hat with the belt on it and like just feathers over their titties.

And just like just huge stiletto heels with like a fucking turkey leg coming out of their shit. Anyone hungry? Just a slut with a fucking. Anyone hungry? Just pulling out a fucking something a king would eat in the year 1700 in front of a bunch of people like a piece of shit. Just pull it out of their nappy, right? Just pull it right out of there. Just right out of their fried butterfly.

Just right out of their hatchet and go like this. Hey, dude, anybody hungry? And then since you're already with the creepy uncle because it's Thanksgiving, they go, Ooh, I'll have that. Perfect, dude. Slut up Thanksgiving. and then you since you're already with the creepy uncle because it's thanksgiving they go oh i'll have that oh perfect dude slut up thanksgiving it sucks anyway it's violent as shit everyone murdered a bunch of indians so you get a bunch of sluts come out they fix thanksgiving finally it's not about the murdering and the pillaging okay you get a bunch of sluts with the fucking you know you get a slut with an Indian headdress on and you just

some stuffing over her tits. It's just so disgusting dude. And just high heels pulling some wings pulling a turkey leg out of her. Here you go. Let's give thanks.

What are you thankful for? What, just that kind of shit, I'm thankful for my girlies, you know, I'm thankful for wifey, there you go, dude, because you can't slut up Christmas, right, dude, what do you call it? New Year's Eve is... I don't like New Year's Eve because it's too stressful. I have a dream of going... I'll never do this now because I have kids and shit in the family, but... I had a dream of one day going on January 31st. Or sorry, December 31st. Is there one day in Going. On January 31st.

Or sorry. December 31st. Is there 31 days in December? Yeah. Driving out to the middle of nowhere. At like 10 p.m. No phone. No nothing.

Just drive out. Turn the radio off. And just chill and wait. And the reason why I leave two hours early is because I've got to drive far. I drive for about an hour and a half, and then I just wait. And I guess, I see if I can guess when the clock turns midnight. But I don't ever really know if I can because I wait even longer than that. My thing is, I don't want to know when the new year starts. It's too stressful. When I'm at a

party, even a get together, or even just like a few people around, and I see people, nine, eight. Dude, that's so, I'm never more anxious than that. I tell you right now, I'm never more anxious than someone going, eight, seven, six. You know, think about that any other time during the year. You would be so alarmed. So just because it's that time and we know that that's the year, dude, I'm too, I, I just, and I'm not talking about explosions or bombs or things that are going off.

I don't want anything to be timed like that. It makes me so anxious, bro. I, I hate it. They don't even do the, they don't even say the whole numbers, you know? Four, three, oh, oh, happy new year, right? Sorry, I have to save all the consonants to scream out happy new year. I just, it makes me anxious It really genuinely does

I want to be or The shit would be To be asleep before the That Cause that's something that dads do Now that I'm a dad I got two kids I bet I could probably pull that one off

Just sleep through the new year Fuck yeah dude Just wake up at 3am to go pee oh it's already 2025 oh all right cool man yeah i tried to watch uh santa the santa clauses i guess there's a new one. The Santa Clauses. With Tim... What's his name? Alan. And then he was...

It was so bad I had to turn it off. I wanted to watch it because... Gabriel... Fluffy's in it and I like him, you know? I didn't get to his part though. It's just like... He was on the sleigh and then he had like an elf that was black and gay, which is fine. But it's like, you know, if you're going to be inclusive, like don't make the black gay guy an elf.

Give him a real grown up part, right? Because you're kind of still being racist in a way. Make Santa black and gay and then make the elf tim allen right and so it's like ho ho ho shit and um but santa was like but santa was like uh crow he goes crowler me and i and. Which just doesn't sound at all. It doesn't roll off the tongue, you know. Some writer, you know, in Hollywood, just like, this will be good. He says, Kroll or me. And the gay black elf goes, and he shoots out a Kroll or donut while he's on the sleigh.

And Tim Allen whizzes by and just catches it with his mouth. It's done so poorly. It looks so bad, right? And I don't even mean the CGI of it. It's just like the whole idea and the way it's shot. It's so fucking bad. And I go, I got to turn this off. I tried to watch it with Calvin.

I turned this off. And what I want to know is, look, Tim Allen's the shit. He's done so much. I don't, I guess these guys get bored. I just, I'll never understand. Because Tim Allen's worth like half a billion dollars, right? He's got a, what do you call it? Santa Claus money.

He's got home improvement money. I don't get this shit, man. When I make my first cool Billy, I'm done. Toy Story, bro. When I make my first cool Billy, I'm done, dude. When I make my first cool 50 milli. My first cool. What is a crawler anyway? How do you even spell it? Donut. How do you spell that? C-R crawler. It's a crawler I thought it was a crawler It's a crawler?

Crawler It's C-R-U-L-L Crawler Alright so here's the deal dude Donuts are the shit I don't eat donuts I'm gonna fucking piss people off Krispy Kremes

You're out It's too sweet You're out I get a gla people off. Krispy Kremes, you're out. It's too sweet. You're out. I get a glazed donut from Krispy Kreme. I have diabetes immediately, okay? Krispy Kreme, you're out. And I don't, Dunkin' Donuts, you're in, dude. You're involved in the conversation, okay?

I love Dunkin' Donuts. There are great donuts, and then there are piss-poor, horrible donuts. The best donuts are the regular donuts that they figured out how to make centuries ago. When you make donuts with things like Captain Crunch on them and all the sprinkles and shit, and you're a fucking actual 30-year-old that eats them, you're crazy. My son might think that's a good idea. Those kinds of donuts are absolutely grand bestankable terrible

i can't eat any also okay so these are the best donuts glazed sugar with the regular shits or the twisty ones but also i don't i just the circles are fine chocolate glazed chocolate hell yeah dude now we're banging now we're talking about the here here look let's look at the here here here here here top 10 donuts no i don't want the donut shops top 10 donuts I want. No, see, they...

Here we go. Best donuts in LA. They're going to give me the shops. And see, that's what pisses me right off. Yep. These look fucking good, dude. But the high-end donut spots, like, look at this.

This has, what's it called in it? Blinky's Donut. This place has, what's the Fred Flintstone cereal? What is the cereal? Crispy? What the fuck are they called? Cocoa Krispies?

No. The other ones? Fruity Pebbles. Hell yeah. We thought about it. And Cocoa Pebbles. But they have Fruity Pebbles on it. Dude, you know where I go to?

I go to that place. What is it? Fonuts. And they're fucking. They have. They do have vegan donuts. I don't get those. I don't think actually.

I don't even know how to get. I go there. Those are great because they're not as sweet because they have to be because they're not they're a better version for you than the other donuts those are the shit dude and i get the blueberry ones ones and oh are you kidding me dude i get the blueberry ones and i go are you serious i get the blueberry ones and i go like this maybe i could just be addicted to these instead of Doinkin. Doinkin Donuts. Come on into Doinkin Donuts, dude. Crullers, you know.

Cronut. Benet's, dude. crullers you know cronut beignets dude john beignet ramsays beignets are crazy they should have changed the name when john beignet ramsay got all killed beignet sorry look at these fucking things cronut beignet

profiterole croquembouche bear claw cream Cronut, beignet, profiterole. Now get out of here with that shit. Croquembouche. I mean, you know, what the fuck are those? Bearclaw. Then there's just cream. Fritter. Never had one.

Eclair. Get out of here. Old-fashioned donut. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah, I'm old-fashioned. Churro is fine, I guess. Boss. Oh, the cream in the... No.

Oh, bro. I don't need jizz in my mouth. For real. When you, how about when you bite a donut, you don't know it's cream and then cream happens in your mouth. How gay does it feel for real? I'm being serious. I'm not, and I'm not homophobic. I love gays, dude. I'll fucking love them. I love gay people straight up. I wish more were in my house right now. But when you bite into a donut and you think straight up it's not cream and then just jizz pops off in your mouth and fills it up, you go, oh, I have to, you know what?

The day is over. I got to go to sleep now. I got to go to sleep. I got to go to sleep now. When you crunch into a beautiful looking chocolate covered donut that seems like it's just going to be regular and airy inside. And all of a sudden, top jizz just splurts inside your mouth. You go, oh, even though you only eat donuts in the morning, the day's over and got to go to

sleep. Now I can't, first of all, I don't like the taste of the jizz in it. Second of all, it's too much. Always put a little bit, bro. When those burst in your mouth, I go, this isn't a donut anymore. First of all, donuts are cake. Let's get, let's not get it twisted. When you put more cake in the donut and have it jizz up inside you raw right oh it just when you and you go hum and you go oh it jizzed inside me raw going to bed guys night guys what is it it's fucking 7 a.m you just go to work oh dude you must have bit into a boston cream filled oh he didn't know oh dude he's all right dude take the day off we'll count it as a sick day then you wake up fucking just a whole

full 23 hours later and you go i better just eat the fucking crawlers now when you that and that's people's favorite donut too, right? When your favorite donut, let me tell you something. When your favorite donut is a one that has a cream filled in it, bro, it might as well be its own thing. That's the thing. You shouldn't be able to go to a donut shop. This is why I would be so unsuccessful if I did anything but comedy, because I would just, I would be like, why would I want the ones with the cream in it? Man, I'm so fucking insane. I want the circle ones.

It's bad enough we got the mini ones, but we're not going to throw the extra dough away. So just have the fucking mini one. The mini ones are the shit, right? The bite size? God, chocolate glazed donuts are forget it. When I was a kid and you would get that chocolate glazed donut. Oh, dude, i would just cupcakes are bullshit cake is bullshit donuts are where it's at cookies are where it's at brownies where it's at if they're not highfalutin i don't like the i just like regular shit

anyway dude we're getting way off track i did not mean to talk about donuts I don't like the I just like regular shit Anyway dude We're getting way off track I did not mean to talk about donuts so much in this freaking podcast Wait people thought Snoop Dogg Stopped smoking weed Snoop Dogg isn't quitting cannabis Here's why he's giving up smoke What the fuck is this

This is a commercial? Made headlines when he announced he was giving up smoke. Snoop Dogg isn't giving up any kind of smoke. What is this shit? Man, I remember I did that roast with Snoop Dogg. His his roast was they cut it out a lot of it but oh my god giving up smoke but it's not what you think all right snoop dog made headlines when he announced on social media he quote

decided to give up smoke hmm odd way to announce that you're going to stop smoking weed like everybody assumed, right? Even Meek Milchide did. Yeah, Meek said after speaking with his doctor, he was going to stop smoking too. He also cited the, quote, many chemicals found in newer strains of marijuana. Anyways, turns out that the smoke Snoop was planning to give up had nothing to do with Mary Cheney. All right, man. Get to it. Snoop, smoke is kind of your whole thing. But I, get to it.

Yeah, Solo Stoves are advertised as smokeless fire pits, and Snoop now has a line with them. The initial bundle includes a pit designed by Snoop and other accessories. Separately, Snoop also announced that he's going to reissue his iconic album Doggy Style and given the news of this new brand deal. Dude, how old is Snoop Dogg? How? This guy is incredible. So he has a stove. That's kind of a cool smokeless fire pit.

Snoop Dogg age. 52. Bro, he's still young. I have to fucking live my whole life with Snoop Dogg around. You ever think about that? Doesn't that suck? Snoop's fine, but like, I have to, have to. I'm born in the time that the Kardashians are.

And like, I don't hate the Kardashians. Like, it's just, I have to hear about them at least twice a week for the rest of my life. Do you ever think about that? Like that's just what your life, all our lives. You listen to this podcast, you know who the Kardashians are. You have to hear about them now if you're my age or if you're a little younger or older. If you're like six, you won't.

They'll die and you'll have like a half your life where you probably don't have to hear about them. Dude, doesn't that suck the only hope that we have to not hear about the kardashian is if they all get exploded in their house say you hate somebody that's really kanye west right you have to hear about him the rest of your life that sucks bro i guess it's cool that we went many years without knowing like i went my first 20 years without knowing who they were you know anyway that's that's cool that's it i don't know you guys uh i appreciate you let maybe look one of these um deserved scales or what wait hold on oh man i have been watching these public Oh my gosh.

He's gonna get hit. You're gonna hit someone. By the way, what does it mean, don't take that red light? Is he going to get hit? What the fuck? I had to start over because I had to sign in. God damn it. So Mexican. So Mexican.

Oh shit, dog. I mean, so Mexican! Chi-Chi-Chong in here. So Mexican! I love it dude! Hey bro, bro, bro, go forward! Oh what the fuck? Oh my- Oh! Dude, it's coming through the air vent!

That is crazy! Oh, they're gonna see this video wow oh i wish i knew those guys those guys seem so funny bro Oh, fuck, hey. Hey, bro, bro, bro, go forward. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, no. Bro. Oh, no way.

Dude, so funny. Wow, I love that one. Wow, I love that one. Oh, no. When the the cool mom what's it say oh it's so great that this takes so long to go cool mom oh oh no put it forward dude Oh, put it forward! Dude. Oh my God, bro.

Oof. Imagine that's your mom, bro. Oh, God. Let's do one more here. Let's just do this last one here. Or the crazy video drunk. Wait, no. Come on. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Dude. Okay, here we go. Drive into bug. Drunk driving little bug breaks his own window. No. Oh. The shit.

The glove. The glove. Dude, how do you not? Look at how. The reaction. Dude, the reaction is phenomenal, bro. What the realest reaction that's ever happened The realest reaction How does he not know when the window is open The shit

The realest reaction This reaction keeps Dude why is he driving with a batter's glove on This whole thing is the whitest thing ever. The Arne sunglasses. Does he have a strap beard? The guy posted it, you know?

All right. All right. Well, thank you for listening. That is the episode. Go to, if you want to watch the rest of the episode, not just the one on YouTube to if you want to watch the rest of the episode not just the uh one on youtube you want to watch the rest of it go to patreon.com slash chris you can watch the rest of the episode and then also you can also watch all of the other episodes

that we've done we do one a month for only patreon and there's like there's well over 30 now so you can go there get that for uh just six bucks. Go watch 30, all 30, more 30, 30 or more of them right now. Appreciate you. And you're also supporting the show. And we love you for it. You keep the show going. Without you, the show wouldn't exist. So thank you.

Appreciate you guys a lot. And go see, go to, go to my special. Go get my special at chrislea.com. Check that out. I work really hard on that. And I'd love for you to see it. Thanks a lot, guys. Bye-bye.