Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 35. The Comfy Matrix

Episode Date: September 25, 2017

It's the 35th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Lenny Kravitz and names another elder! Also discussed: Ma$e, taking a bullet for someone, TV show hosts, making love in the middle of the day, garbage trucks, & TMFUIPOTW. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Stitcher, Spotify or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Hi, my babies. It's episode 35. What's up, babies? It's Chris. And it's on, dude. Episode 35. We keep getting higher, right? Can it get higher? Higher. So tone deaf. uh,

hi, uh, so town deaf. Um, so, uh, yeah, I, this past weekend I did two shows in Texas Christian university.

And then I went to Penn state. And every time I say Penn state, I, every time I think I say Penn state or think of Penn state, there's a rap song where the guy says yeah fuck girls at penn state and i don't know what song it is but like it always made me laugh and i i heard it once and now i keep i should just google yeah fuck girls at penn state but the rapper's like yeah fuck girls at penn State and it's like such a weird brag like a specific only in fucking

Pennsylvania uh yeah there's a cut like like that's what imagine that was your brag like you're hanging out or like that was in that was the thing that was in like didn't like a question where it's like yeah that's the thing about him is he doesn't fuck girls at Penn State and they're like oh is it Notorious B.I.G. fuck the state Penn fuck hoes at Penn State oh maybe that's what it is or maybe they said something and he just says fuck fuck them all right well completely have no idea what it is actually I liked it better what I thought it was but uh it's all about the Benjamins it's in there there. Okay, cool. All right, well, we figured it out, and it's wrong. So anyway, babies, hey, look, sometimes our fearless leader is going to be wrong. I like how some people... Why is it people just started calling, because it's a cult, they call it the fearless leader? Who the fuck said I was fearless?

I actually did a whole bit on this podcast about how everyone has fear. fearless. I actually did a whole bit on this podcast about how everyone has fear. Leader with fear. That's some real shit. That's some real, real, real shit. One time I was, oh, one time I was listening to the radio on the way to school and Mace was on the fucking radio and they were doing an interview and Mace was this rapper that I guess a lot of the kids probably don't know, but he was on all about, was he on all about the benjamins i don't know but he was like this pd protege that stopped rapping and became a pastor and nothing is more obvious than a rapper quitting and then becoming a pastor and um so yeah but he's not on all about the benjamins but he um he was doing an interview and and he was doing a quiz. They were doing something on the radio, and they were like, if you get this right, and he was like, if they get this right, what do you get, Mace?

What are you going to give them? And he was like, I'm going to give them something real, real special. And they were like, oh, okay, cool. That's awesome. So if they get this right, you call in and get this right, Mace, are you going to give them something real special? And he said, yeah, if they get it right, I'm going to give them something real, real, real, real, real, real special. And every time he said it, he added a few more reels until it became like, I'm going to give them something real, real, real, real, real, really real, real, real special. And my brother and I left.

It's hard. It's weird that these rappers are 40. Dude, like he's 40 and that it seems like he should be 67 like i'm 37 these guys were three years older than me and when i was in high school they were fucking making dope songs and shit um now give me the catalog i show you how daddy boss that's a lyric from mace now give him the catalog i show you how daddy balls uh like giving having his kid be like hey why don't you get the jocelyn main catalog there i want to show you what i could buy if i want to and then here you go and then mace is like

okay so this is the catalog i could buy this dresser i could buy that bed i could buy a few of these beds i could buy these end tables i could buy this chandelier i could get this dresser I could buy that bed I could buy a few of these beds I could buy these end tables I could buy this chandelier I could get this over here I could get this rug I could get a few of these rugs I could get them in every color Anyway, go to bed

Worst dad ever Now give me the catalog I'll show you how to do balls That kid would grow up to be A fucking monster Are you fucking kidding me? My dad balls When I would fucking be a fucking monster are you fucking kidding me my dad balls when i would fucking be a kid he would give me the catalog and he would show me how much he bought he showed me what he could get did he get it no but you know he could have um so dude all these rappers rap

these every song look look at this song that he would do. Go down. This is a P. Diddy. No, it was just there. Go up. Any of these, actually. All right, there we go. Though I'm never drug-free when I'm in the club, G.

Get him. This is how I always think about the police. Could it be I move as smooth as Bugsy? Get him. Rock my ice, pull out Glocks? Get him. Yeah, really, you know? Get him.

So many, so much illegal activity get him yeah i shot that motherfucker in the face get him i'll murder everything moving get him get a minority report style because he didn't do it yet um so dude what if p did he start in minority report instead of tom cruise it would be my favorite song, my favorite movie of all time. All right, so I was at TCU. I was at Penn State. TCU. Dude, college gigs.

Let me tell you something about college gigs, okay? So they're the hardest. They're good. They're good. They have a good time, but they don't laugh the hardest because I have a theory that when you do a college, the kids are kids and they're still like trying to figure out who they are. And they don't want to be the people that stick out the most. So what happens is they don't want to be the person that laughs the hardest because then they're the biggest, quote unquote, dork.

Okay? So they all laugh like this. That's it. That's every laugh. And so you're sweating your fucking ass up there and then you're like is this even good and then afterwards you get tweets and they're like oh that was fucking great this is great that's great and you're like all right well then fucking laugh harder college kids i mean come on dude and so i'm sitting there like fucking sweating so hard. I wore a fucking maroon shirt. Therefore saw all the wet marks in the middle of my chest and under my armpits. Um,

so if you're a comedian, don't wear a gray shirt on when you're doing colleges, cause you're going to sweat so hard and it's always set up. It's always a makeshift, uh, fucking place. Like it's in a, some fucking conference room that they never use.

And you have to be like, could you guys turn down the lights? Cause it looks like they're getting abducted because it's so bright. And then I did Penn State. The TCU one was fucking bonkers. It was awesome. The Penn State one was okay. And it's in the middle of the fucking nowhere.

Dude, these college towns are crazy. They have the most beautiful college town. The most beautiful fucking buildings, man, these colleges. It just looks like whenever i drive through colleges it just i i went to nyu for one year so i don't really have that college experience so the only thing i know about colleges is movies and every movie about college is either like this this like fun type of movie where oh god one of the characters is gonna get a finger up his butt when he gets too high and the other guy going to fucking streak down the corridor naked and then get in trouble with the dean. You know?

And they're going to have like sweeping fucking wide shots of the college in the beginning. Like. And then the fucking. All right. Well, it's tough to see my kid all grown up. But oh, God. And she's like, well, you know how your father gets. And then he's like, Mom, yeah, we get it.

Hey, watch out. Oh, football almost hit her in the head. Hey, what's up? See you later. And then that becomes the guy that she sees later on in the fucking end of the first act. That's like, oh, he's the jerk that did that. Or it's like a fucking serious college movie. There's either that college movie or the

serious college movie where fucking somebody like the school ties thing or where somebody ends up hanging themselves or like somebody gets like raped i hate to say it but like yeah so that's all i know about colleges really so i So I did those colleges, and it was fun, and then I came back. But college shows are kind of tame in that way. Not like the New Jersey show, which I forgot to tell you guys about this, but when I was in the clubs, the club shows can get crazy. So this one girl – did I talk about this on – where the girl fucking was yelling out, you're sexy.

No? All right, so this girl was like, you're sexy no all right so this girl was like you're sexy i have a crush on you interrupting the show it's a humble brag don't mean to but that's what she was yelling she was like you're sexy i've had a crush on you you have no idea for how long and i was like all right that's cool but you know maybe just tweet me about it and then i looked to the right and then i looked to the left and she was on stage on stage faster than faster than shit so quick and she was so tall and she was so drunk she was so drunk she looked like it was animatronics you know what i mean like she was like trying to fucking like there was somebody behind her

trying to fucking be like we've almost got all the kinks worked out and she was just like and then she was had a beer of course and then she had white and black striped dress on and i said why are you dressed like the hamburger and then she left and then she got kicked out she got kicked out and i said who's with her and some lady was like me and i was like you didn't leave and she was like nah and i was like oh you're staying for the show she said yeah i said what are you in relation to the girl and she said i'm her mom the mom stayed because the daughter got too drunk and rushed the stage and told the fucking comedian that she had a crush on him and she's sexy hey you got probs in your family hey don't mean to be disrespectful.

You raised her too quick. You let her get away with too much shit when she was seven. That's why she's on stage with me. I mean, come on, dude. So, and then, of course, the club owners were like, I'm so sorry. I'm like, it's not you, man. Everyone's got a mind of their own, dude.

Everyone's got a mind of their own. If someone's going to rush the stage, they're going to rush the stage, dude. This is going to happen. So, yeah. That's crazy, though, that that happened, actually. I can't believe that people do shit like that. I guess drunk. I've never been drunk, straight up, ever. I've never been drunk. up ever. I've never been drunk.

I know that's weird. And every time I tell somebody that I've never been drunk, can't stand that they say like, that's really cool, man. I actually really respect that. I'm not doing it for that reason. I literally don't even know why I'm doing it. In the beginning, I didn't drink because it was too typical. Like everyone in high school was doing it and they were like, this is what you're supposed to do. And I was like, nope, I can't do that.

God be my own person. That's why I'm the leader of, I'm the leader with fear of the cult. I'm no fucking beta dude. I'm not going to drink because you say so. No. Take that fucking beer and go to Coachella, why don't you? Take that beer, go to Burning Man, why don't you? Take that beer, go to Burning Man, why don't you, the beer go to burning man why don't you babe so uh yeah i

can't yeah so then when i got to college i was like well i'm definitely not going to start drinking in college because that's so predictable so then after college i was like it's fucking kind of too late what am i going to start doing it when i'm 22 no i don't go into college for a year anyway but the college dropout's going to start drinking. It's typical, right? So then I was like, okay, I'm not going to, I'm not going to do it. And then I just never did it. And then I never was cared about it. And I don't give a shit.

I never drank. I'm not, and I don't, and here's the worst part too. Every time someone says, so, so what's up? You're not drinking tonight? And I say, nah. And he said, do you drink? I say, nah. And they say, oh. And then I say, they say, do you, you've never drank? And I say, no, I never drank.

And then they always say, like, never? And I say, yeah, never. And then they always say, oh, you've never had a sip? You've never, like, drank at all? No. So you've never been drunk? No. What about, like, even, like, wow, that's how the conversation always goes. And I always have to be. So now this is how I answer the question. Hey, you're not drinking tonight? No. And I want you to know something.

I don't drink. And I want you to know something further than that. I've never drank. And no matter how many times in different ways you ask me that question, the answer is going to be the same. I've never drank. And then they go like this. Well, wow. Because they can't help themselves. You got to fucking, you know, adapt to the world, dude. You got to adapt to the fucking world. And if people are going to be doing that, you never drank? No. Don't drink?

No. How many times are you going to ask this question? I say, how many times are you going to fucking ask this question? Then I see them get fucking nervous smile because they realize what the fucking shit went down. Somebody asked me the other day, would you take a bullet for me? And I was like, uh, it depends. I was like, here's the deal. If it was a quick knee-jerk reaction, then I think probably I would try and jump in the way.

But if somebody was like, I'm going to shoot your fucking person or friend, are you going to take it instead? It'd be a lot harder of a decision if i had to have fucking time to think about the shit i'd probably be like uh just shoot him but like you know i'll try to rush him to the hospital afterwards you know like but if someone was like you know about to shoot my mom bam i'd be like mom no and i'd move out the way but if some fucking like German dude came up and was like, I am about to shoot your mother. How would you like to deal with this? I'd be like, I'm going to fight you, dude. You know, but like, I don't know if I would jump in front of the fucking bullet in if I had time to think about it, which means I'm a hero, but not if you give me the option. Do you know what I

mean? Not if you give me the fucking option for longer than four seconds. Hero, make no mistake, hero, but it's got to happen really quickly, dude. You know what I'm saying? And even with the really quickly shit, I'm not sure. I might be like, oh fuck, it was too fast. So sorry. Let's get her to the hospital. You know, I think that's how everybody would be. Because really what a hero is, is kind of a dumb fuck if you think about it. They're putting everything out, they're throwing everything out the window, all caution and all everything. And they're just like, no, I'm just going to do it.

I'll jump, I'll jump and try to save the person when it's like, oh, you put both of your fucking lives at risk. You fucking dummy. Now, I'm not saying, well, we need more heroes in this world. And I fucking applaud anybody that risks their life to save anybody. But it's like, you a hero or maybe you're just kind of a little bit stupider than the rest of us. You know what I'm saying? I'm not talking about guys in the army. I get that.

That's some well thought out shit. You want to fucking ride for our country. I get it. But people who are like, if you jumped off this building, I'd jump off and try to break your fall. You kind of just stupid? You a hero? Or you simple? Hey, you a hero?

You got a bird brain. Dude, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not, I'm not, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. There's a hero in there, you know. There's a hero in there, you know?

There's a hero in there, okay? So I don't know if I'd take a bullet for somebody, but... Dude, I've been on the road so much. Every time I go on the road, I told you I watch the fucking... What do you call it? What's that fucking? Sucks in all calling. Oh, by the way, they came up with a hundred new, like so many new episodes of fucking, what's it called?

Forensic files. And they fucking didn't. The guy died. The voice. His name is The Voice and he died. So I don't know who's going to do it, but they're going to fuck it up. I know they are. I know they're going to fuck it up. I used they are. I know they're going to fuck it up.

I used to watch his show Extreme Engineering, and it was so dope. It would be like, the largest building in fucking Japan. Japanese people build some crazy shit. It'll go up to heaven. It'll go up to heaven. They'll make a building that'll go up to heaven, and it'll sway with the wind. And they'll be like, it can't be fucking too stiff, because it's going to be too stiff. It has to swing with the wind and they'll be like it can't be fucking too stiff because it's gonna be too stiff it has to swing with the wind so everybody in the building is like fucking shucking and

jiving with the wind um but and the extreme engineering was the shit i bought it on itunes i paid for the fucking season it was like 40 bucks and then they changed it it was some like dipshit guy that was now the host of it. Dude, you don't understand. If there's a host of a show, get the fuck out of here. Make the guy just do VO and show beautiful images. Now I got to watch some guy with glasses and a hard hat walking around some fucking oil rig? Get out of here. I got to watch some fucking guy that would look like he'd be in a Verizon commercial

tromping around on a fucking, in a skyscraper. So when they first made this, they decided to go with fucking balsa wood so the whole building wouldn't collapse if the wind blew it. Now it just sways. Get out of here, fucking buck up, get a guy with low-hanging balls, and fucking just talk over some beautiful images. and fucking just talk over some beautiful images. It's not steel because steel would fucking book, book, book, book.

I can't stand it, dude. When a guy fucking, when they change what they're doing, don't fucking fix what ain't broke, dude. Extreme engineering was the illest shit, dude. They had stuff, dude, there's stuff in the world that was built that you have no fucking idea that it was built i swear to god like in australia who's the guy by the way it's it's i don't give a fuck dude why does everybody in a everybody in every commercial looks goddamn the same why it's either a fucking white guy with a shaved face and fucking wire rimmed glasses and a fucking button down blue shirt.

Buy. Or it's a fucking chubby, chubbier white guy with a fucking little bit of stubble or a beard and fucking orange hair. Buy. Or it's a black guy who looks like really nice and presentable like the black guy that even fucking uh racist parents would would be like oh yeah okay cool he's a nice he they'd be like oh he's a nice one yeah fuck that bye okay or they'd be or like there's the the funky black guy or there's the girl with like beige his hair bye well all i did was i signed up for verizon and mom's a mom's on my i have sex with my boyfriend once every three weeks bye that's

what the girl looks like or there's like an ambiguous like is she asian or fucking uh or a mexican girl bye there's never a cool dude on commercial unless it's a car commercial. I fucking hate how serious car commercials are. You're selling a car, not life insurance. you're selling a car, not grave plots. You're selling a car, not the first robot. You're not a fucking, all the, I just, any commercial that's like, remember the first Google commercial? I cried.

Cried. We've been with you since, any commercial that has the, we've been with you since any commercial, every, any commercial that has the, we've been with you since. I'm going to cry. We remember, cry. We remember when you were there for, we were there for you when you cry.

When your daughter first cry, see ya. Hawk the product. Fuck boy. Don't have the illest guy in the car driving along the streets are always wet even though it's fucking you know what i mean in a place that never rains oh you're in downtown la how about the fact that it never rains and some guy who looks like he's a banana republic model is sitting in a fucking lincoln no guy would drive that car that That guy wouldn't drive that car. And you know it.

And he's got a little bit of stubble and he's smiling a little bit over at the fucking lady. And they're always married. They're always married. They never have anybody in a commercial that's not married. It's always a married guy because you can trust him. Hey, what is this? The forties? We get it now. And he's driving and he's fucking, we were there with you when this happened. And we'll be there with you when that happens. Lexus. That's the fucking thing. We were there for you when you first... Doesn't matter.

We'll be there for you when you die. Lexus. I mean, the guy who does the extreme engineers fucking shit his name is Danny Forster fake name that's like a name if you were honestly meeting a

side chick and they were like well what's your name and you'd be like Danny and she'd be like really what's your last name and you'd be like you'd go to say Foster but then you wouldn't because you'd be like, Danny. You'd be like, Danny. And she'd be like, really? What's your last name? And you'd be like, you'd go to say Foster, but then you wouldn't because you'd be like, that's too typical. So you'd be like, Forster. Forster. Forster?

Yeah. It's got an R in it? Yeah, Forster. Are you fucking kidding me? You're cheating on your girlfriend. Danny Forster is the most cheating ass fucking bitch ever. Look at this guy. Hey, Danny Forster, could you look more like you made an app?

Damn, dude. Oh, there's a fucking Google image where he's wearing a scarf. Of course. Hey, dude, don't give a fuck who you are. Never wear a scarf. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't care if you're in the tundra. What's the tundra, by the way?

Is it cold or hot? Don't wear a scarf. You in the tundra? Don't wear a scarf. Get a fucking high jacket. How about that? Get a jacket with a collar. You wear a scarf in the tundra? Fuck out of my face. You wear a scarf in New York? Fuck out of my face. You wear a scarf you wear a scarf in new york fuck out of my face you wear a scarf in la fucking why is your nose facing my nose turn around the pants lower them if you wear a scarf in the fuck in la ever. Gunk. Yakuta. Yakuta, Yakuta, Gunk, turn around. Come on, dude. How about that fucking idiotic picture with, uh, what's that guy's name? Who's the balls fucking fell out of his pants when he was rocking Lenny Kravitz, Lenny Kravitz, do it. How about Lenny Kravitz in that idiotic scarf he wears in that

picture? Hey, it's too big. Bye. Hey, man, you could wrap up your whole goddamn family in it. Bye. What are you in the fucking, he looks like he's in the comfy matrix. He looks like the fucking, he looks like he's in the fucking comfy matrix. What would you like? The little scarf or the big scarf? How comfortable do you want to be, Lenny Kravitz? Would you like a scarf? Dude, and then there's that Photoshop picture where they made it fucking way bigger. Fuck him, dude. Straight up. Hey, Lenny Kravitz, your scarf's too big. Bye. You in the comfy matrix? Would you like the red pill or the blue pill? The red pill gives you a regular-sized scarf.

You'll be nice and warm. You'll be warm in L.A. and probably even in New York. But in the tundra, you'll freeze. Or you can take the blue pill. The blue pill gives you a larger scarf. And even in the tundra, you'll be very warm. And Lenny Kravitz was like i'll take the blue pill here you go and then he did it and then fucking rocked out spread his legs too wide

with his skinny jeans and his balls fell out hey lenny kravitz your balls fell out while you were rocking out you know welcome to 2000 whatever it was you know never happened to elvis and he fucking did lots of open leg shit. That happened to me once, once I was on stage at the John Lovett's comedy club, it was a makeshift comedy club that was in San Diego for a little bit. And of course it went out of business, but Hey, John Lovett, John Lovett's comedy club in San Diego. Of course, it's going out of business anyway, had some fucking speakers up on tripod. See ya. So, um, on tripod see ya so um no he's a nice guy but dude right and uh so so uh i fucking did uh the fucking uh i did a splits on stage one not a splits i fucking did a fucking stance like i do

and my fucking pants straight up opened up and thank god i had fucking underwear on because my balls would literally fell into the first and second uh row of the audience because they're so goddamn big dude my balls are so big dude it's crazy man they would i would have literally killed they would they would have died the people in the front row would have died because my balls would have suffocated them what's the song that he does the fucking just wanna get away. Just want to fly away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I fucking fly away? What?

Dude, you know? What? Huh? What? I want to fly away. Yeah, yeah. He literally wrote that song, woke up in the morning and was just like, yo, I'm going to write a fucking song today, you fucking bitch.

He said that to whoever was next to him, to the chick. Some fucking super hot model. And he had a scarf on when he woke up. And he was like, hey, I'm Lenny Kravitz, dude. Get out of my house. Yo, I'm going to write a fucking song today, bitch. And she fucking left. And he was just like, Gonna fly away.

Gotta fly away. Yeah. Gonna fucking fly away. And wrote this song with only a shirt on. And a big ass scarf. And the whole time he was thinking about like, I fucked that bitch. That's what he was thinking.

You know? Fuck that girl. I don't even know if I'm made to come, but I did. I'm so desensitized. Dude, Lenny Kravitz is a real person. And how about when Lenny Kravitz did the Target commercial and everybody was like, he sold out. Oh, shut the shut the fuck up dude let me tell you something man if I had 75 number one hit

singles you better goddamn believe I'm doing commercials for Target Starbucks McDonald's Apple fucking Banana Republic Lexus all the companies dude all the companies and I'm raking in, I'm raking in the fucking money. I'm fucking raking in the money. Kohl's commercial. Lenny Kravitz did a Kohl's commercial. What do they sell? Pots and pans? The fuck does Kohl's sell? Everything, right? You can get anything at Kohl's. you can literally buy an elf from coles you can go into coles and be like where are your elves and they'll be like aisle seven hey what's up hey how's it going did you need one uh how tall are you i'm three feet do you have anyone smaller yeah just go down go further down that way and then way down that way they're like hey

what's up how tall are you i'm two foot three okay i'll take two of you cool let's go tim okay travis and then you put a boop boop got two trolls or what what i say elves got two elves can't wait to go! Cool, and I'll get some towels, too, and some pots and pans. Boop, boop. Hope you enjoy chopping the cows! Come on, get in the car, you fucking elves. What the fuck am I talking about? This is the most derailed episode the comfy matrix though that's that's

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That's getquip.com slash congrats. G-E-T-Q-U-I-P.com slash congrats. So yeah, Lenny Kravitz lives in the Comfrey Matrix. I mean, dude, I should, we should play this here. We got, we got a song that uh uh these guys made they're called uh what the band's called locals only i said right and um yeah uh yeah well yeah that's the locals only but they made a band they made a side band called the true babies and they made this song for us and i say us because we're a cult it's not just me it was for me but it's for us and i tweeted it and this song is called true babies

called and it's called the the band is called is from the true babies inspired by locals only but this song is called take them out and uh they have obviously listened they told me that they listened to every uh episode on tour when they were on tour. And this is definitely, this fucking thing made me howl. They've listened to every episode, obviously. And this song is so funny. And it's actually really kind of, it's good the way they did it. So let's hear it.

True Babies by Locals Only, Take Em Out. Oh, I got an idea. Open the fridge. only take them out. You can suck a dick, come back again When we're not listening to Chris You listen to the radio Change the station, check your podcast application You listen to some congratulations I'm just saying Congratulations, bitch, you ain't said true Cuda, you'll be eating pears and shit Playing solitaire and shit

You a vegetarian Vaping up a plume of smoke Now why the fuck is your nose facing my nose? Yeah, you should turn around, head on back to Nash, Dakota Wearing Unreal, can't you catch the episode? Get my ex fast, or do you gotta go to the moon? Why you look like Maurice, make a white and without a clue True, baby's in this bitch, we don't give a shit

You can suck a dick, come back again when we're not listening to Chris You listen to the radio, change the station, take your podcast application We don't give a shit. You can suck a dick. Come back again when we're not listening to Chris. You listen to the radio. Change the station. Take your podcast application. You listen to some congratulations. I'm just saying. Bitch, of course I do ads.

Get the fuck up off my vag. Gotta get my money bags. Back it right up to my pad. In the Brinks truck. Spotted a cooter. Told him to freeze punk. Nobody watching your Facebook live cause free cunt We don't wanna see that Wanna see the leader of the culture

Tell me where he is and I'ma be there Bitches tryna inspire me On her Instagram with her tits out Don't deserve to breathe there I'm blood red mad like a motherfucker Wanna be a elder bad After this shit I might be Who the new elder be?

Family Shout out to my rude boys and my sightings True, baby's in this mix We don't give a shit You can suck a dick Come back again when we're not listening to Chris. You listen to the radio. Change the station.

Take your pocket application. You listen to some congratulations. I'm just saying. Hold on. I don't fucking know what the hell. Might as well pick up the phone and ask me something. Oh, you think it's cool to go to Coachella? You need stimulation, wrong bro.

I'ma have to hit your ass with that congratulations combo. Turn around. You're cool to, you're cool to go to Coachella You need stimulation, Rom-Bro I'ma have to hit your ass with that congratulations combo Turn around, you coulda, you coulda You coulda, you coulda, you coulda, you coulda You coulda, you coulda, turn around, turn around Either sociopath or a liar If you think you the man on fire You ain't never gonna see a fried butterfly Until you buy 5-4 club for your retired bitch

Put a D-Win in it, no slice in life You can eat a cock slice with a fork and knife Everybody nights, let your homie sit tight Tells the Chris he's on, unless he tryna fight Now son you actin' crazy like you chill outside the coffee bean Bitch you know I kill you, daylight calls a death Suicidal calling, homie Diane cause I'm so cool I get more money than Scott Cash do Who the fuck is this, some good a bitch Motherfucker, Mario, that's new, make sure Cause we're with you, baby, and that's for real

Is this a rap, Michael Dean's career? Cause the fuck's been on for a fuckin' year? Yo, can you just play the hook and then just end it? I was howling when I heard that. What they did when they auto-tuned my fucking stupid voice. That's so dumb, dude. It's fucking so funny. Oh, man. Listen to it while you fuck. You know what I was thinking? You know what I realized something?

I was talking about this with my buddies. They were saying that they like to put on fucking music while they're having sex. And I think that that's... I don't think that that's... I think that you shouldn't listen to... I think if you listen to music while you fuck, that's some real full-blown cuda shit for real. Because, dude, it takes away from the sexiness of it, number one. And I know people will be like, what?

It makes it more sexy. But it doesn't, dude. First of all, if you're having sex with a girl you kind of like and you put on some fucking lovely music you might fall in love that's fake that's fake that's fake be rich it's free conch you can put on whatever you want but that's fake all right another thing is if you're trying to impress a girl and you're having sex with her and you put on some NWA and you might fucking try and blow her back out. That's not cool either because that's not how you are. If you're not listening to any music when you're making love or doing it, that's the shit because then you get to hear all the noises, feel what it's really like and fucking experience the fucking. what it's really like and fucking experience the the fucking dude i'm gonna have sex and listen to another guy singing huh oh yeah let's have sex but also let's involve other people no i want to hear the fucking i want to i focus on the kissing and the touching and the thinking and the, you know?

Come on. Fucking while listening to Josh Groban or Coldplay? Say yeah. Imagine, I mean, you know, I don't do that. I don't do that. I don't listen to that dude. I had a girlfriend once and she was like, why do we never listen to music when you have sex? Because that's full-blown cuda shit, man.

I want to hear. You know what I want to hear? You know what the sexiest thing to hear when you're having sex is? The daytime. Nothing sexier than if you're having sex and you hear like in the distance a lawnmower. That's so hot. Bro, I'll immediately have an orgasm if I hear a lawnmower when I'm having sex. That's it.

Way in the background. That's it. That's the realest shit. And then some bird just like... In the back, you're like, oh, this is so real. I'm a real person. Oh, God, this is real life. Like, what the fuck? You want to hear the fucking... Get the fuck out of here.

So many piano notes while you're thrusting? Mezra Yellow. That's no fucking Berber shit. I'm talking about lawnmower shit you hear kids playing in a pool fucking three yards over forget it ultimate explosion looking at somebody in their eyes while you hear a fucking, uh, trash van. What do you call them? Trash garbage trucks. Look in someone in the eyes while you hear your garbage being fucking robot armed up into the, how fucking violent is it?

By the way, when you see those fucking trash cans? Make it smoother, dude. When it picks up the thing and it's like... And it throws it in the fucking... And you're looking in a girl's eyes through her soul? Dude, I'll tell you what, man. And you know what another thing is? When you make love, there's no laughing, bro.

There's no laughing. I don't give a shit if some silly stuff happens. You use it for the seriousness of it. You use it for the seriousness of it. Look at how fucking violent it is. And they miss all the time, too. They fucking miss all the time. I mean, we got to show that on the fucking video podcast

so don't give a fuck that's the guy's last day on the job you know how violent are they this guy can't even fit oh so robotic make it it's not ready yet it's not ready yet. It's not ready yet. These fucking garbage can, trash truck, trash, what do you call them? Garbage trucks.

Not ready yet. Oh, how weird, how jerky is that fucking thing? Look at how big it is. Look at it. Oh, can't get it it looks drunk why is this on youtube you know garbage can't man destroys trash bucket because it was overfilled nothing's happening um the robot arms look like they're coming, actually, because they're so jerky. Oh. Oh, that's hilarious.

This fucking guy's... I'm watching a video where this... Oh, he fucked it up, dude. What a dick. That would be me. That would be me. There's rules, dude. If it's overfilled like that, I overfill my shit all the time. I would ruin it.

But my point is, nothing is sexier than hearing the daytime when you're making love. Night, having sex at night is not as cool. Having sex, the sexiest time to have sex, 4.30 p.m. Thought about it. I've thought about this a lot. 4.30. The sun's in the cool spot where it might be peeking through the blinds, but you're inside someone and you can hear kids playing in a pool? Forget it.

Forget it. the blinds but you're inside someone and you can hear kids playing in a pool forget it forget it oh oh you think night time is with a bunch of fucking cuda candles lit and the lights are out and you're listening to fucking you raise me up or like uh by the way not knocking the music. Coldplay and fucking Josh Groban are awesome, but listening to some Jack Johnson, uh, with no shoes on that fucking guy. Hey, Jack Johnson, put shoes on,

put socks on, put shoes on. No. Why? You adult. Oh, and girls just love it. He doesn't wear shoes.

Did you know that? He didn't, he doesn't wear shoes did you know that he didn't he doesn't wear shoes oh really cool see ya ah cool oh oh oh he's poor guys fucking got millions of dollars to put shoes on yeah but dude music while making love is some fucking serious if you're in my cult you don't do that you don't do that you do not do that you do not do that dude you're not coming to the fucking log cabin straight up if you put on some fucking bullshit david gray while you're Don't do it. Square Cash. Everyone is switching to the Cash app because it's the best way to pay people back.

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So let's talk about the new cash card, all right? It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. The artistic, get this. The cash card, all right? It's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. Yartistic, get this. The cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You get the notifications for all payments made with the card directly via the cash app. You can laser etch your card to personalize it, and it will be delivered directly to you for free. Yartist, this is for you. You're creative, this is for you. The cash app team is constantly building awesome new features like this.

So what are you doing using the other guys? Get the Cash App today. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. So yeah. But that's... These fucking slouchy orange chairs are really good for my... Really good for my back. These fucking slouchy orange chairs are really good for my back. Why is this?

It feels like there's feedback here. I don't know. Maybe a little bit. Yeah, I think so. Sorry if there's feedback, but whatever. All right. So here we go. I don't know if we're going to do this every week, but we're going to start off two weeks strong.

We've got a new elder. We're going to announce our second elder. Did we send out the pin yet or no? Yeah. did we send out the pin yet or no yeah uh send out the pin and the and the and the certificate uh to uh aplomb bomb or whatever the fuck his name is change it and um so we've got a new we've got so we've got our second elders and uh there are we're naming two today because they are together all right and it is their names—their names are Steve and Malika Bush. Now, why is your name not Monica?

I don't know. It's Malika, which is weird, okay? Change it to Monica. But your name is Malika, which sounds like something that would be really little inside a body and scientists would talk about. But they—the reason why they're named elders is because they created the most fucked up Instagram post of the week jingle. So congratulations to Steve and Malika Bush. I'm going to call you Steep from now on. S-T-E-P-E because your girl's name is Malika.

So you'll be receiving a pin and certificate and you guys are now elders. So thank you very much for your influence on this show and all that. So now join the elder aplomb bomb change it. And Steve, regular, which is very cool. And Malika, change it. So you guys are all elders. It's interesting we've got two change-its in the elders, which is cool. But thank you very much.

That being said, let's get right into it, okay? But let me look first and see which one we're going to do here because I fucking added some this week. And now, of course, can't get it on the phone because my producer fixed my internet, but it's not working. I want to fire him. because my producer fixed my internet, but it's not working. I want to fire him.

Okay. Guys, welcome to the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. All right. Well, so this one is a picture of the goddamn sky. And here's the thing.

It's a picture of the sky, and then you can swipe right, and it's another picture of almost the same fucking shot of the goddamn sky and here's the thing um it's a picture of the sky and then you can swipe right and it's another picture of the almost the same fucking shot of the goddamn sky so pick one pick the better one post it don't want to have to swipe right because i'm not going to fuck the sky all right that's the thing is this tender no since to gram cool don't make me fucking swipe left to right because i'm not gonna fuck the sky okay so already you're in dangerous uh-oh territory here is the caption under it i'm most the guy's obviously in a plane or falling okay i'm most thankful for moments like these semic Now, use the semicolon in an Instagram caption. I'm blood red mad. Okay?

You're writing a fucking document that you need to show your coworkers? No? Don't use semicolon. You could do it in a caption for Instagram. Only use commas or periods or dashes. I'm most thankful. This is what he's most thankful for. Oh, it's a chick.

This is what she's. Oh, that's weird. It's a chick. Oh, that's weird. It's a chick getting emotional about the sky. Hey, that's weird. Someone with a pussy is getting emotional over a picture of the sky what the fuck that's odd what's next pigs are gonna oink what's next cars go vroom

hey what the fuck is next? Pens, right? I'm most thankful for moments like these. Semicolon. Change it. When the last day, with the last rays of sunlight. Tickle your cheeks. All right, dude. Here's the deal, man.

You're not a poet. Okay? Rays of sunlight don't tickle shit. You know why? Because they're rays of sunlight, not your uncle. Okay? Dude, how many times in any books or poems or anything have rays of sunlight tickled something? So many.

So many. Now, because you read a goddamn book and you're on an airplane, you think you can tell me that rays of sunlight tickle your cheeks? Turn around. Step back a little bit. G-gunk, cause you cuda. And I'm not sorry for that congratulations combo. Come on, man. You poet?

No, you just work at like fucking, you know, somewhere. Okay, bye. Ka-konk. Oh, well, it got, this sentence isn't even over. I thought the sentence was over. It's not over. This, she's Robert Frost in this bitch. Did Robert Frost lock, lop off his cock

it's crass i'm most thankful for blasphemy blasphemic crassfulness i'm most thankful thankful for comments like for i mean fucking jesus what am i losing my mind i'm most thankful for moments like these semic semicolon, change it. When the last rays of sunlight tickle your cheeks to say their goodbyes. Oh, for fuck's sake, dude. Hey, they going to the army? Nah. They're just rays of sunlight.

Tickle your cheeks to say their goodbyes, and the clouds form a perfect blanket covering the desert below, and even though you can't... Hey, this sentence is a run-on! Tickle your cheeks to say their goodbyes, and the clouds form a perfect blanket covering the desert below, and even though you can't yet see the stars, they're there, waiting for the darkness to come out and play. The kids are their darkness, and all the wild things stop and revere the fading beauty of the day. Oh, dude, that's one sentence. I've got news for you makes no sense it's too poetic aka not poetic and also

there's so much punctuation in it and at the end there's no period okay cool also this is the best there's one comment under it and they write ugh this is stunning with a heart eyes emoji, which is awesome

because it says nothing about her fucking poetry. Dude, you're not Robert Frost. You work as a school teacher or something. Don't talk about how sunlights tickle your cheeks. Dude, come on, man. That's the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. What do these people think they are? E-code. All right. Let's look at some of these fan questions.

Let's go to these fucking congratulations. Congratulations, Pod? All right. What is LARPing? Oh, what? Does it make you... This is from Steve Butler. What is it, Steve Butler?

Steve underscore Butler 18. Does it make you BRM, Blood Red Mad, to see adults LARPing at a public park at night? Oh, a sword play in a park? Oh, my God. How old are they adults a lot of people do it let me see the picture live action role playing

dude we got to the point where we don't need swords and shields and we can shower now and also pussy is more gettable than ever okay i mean these guys look they they fucking run around and try to hit each other with swords and shit it's so dorky wow these guys hey guys fuck someone Wow. These guys. Hey guys. Fuck someone. Oh this is hilarious. Look at what this guy's even holding. This is all like nerf shit. Oh my god and they take badass pictures. It's not Game of Thrones.

Lame of Thrones. Look at these fucking. Oh that's weird. One of the fucking. Look it. They look like they don't shower fucking oh that's weird one of the people one of the fucking look at they look like they don't shower oh that's weird unbelievable a look inside the world of larp i like how they make it sound more like you know grand than it is this guy's at a gas station explaining why well uh basically oh what why does it say Maggot the Squirming? Is that his name? Oh, come on, dude. Hey, no. You know what?

Your name is Dave. That's it. Well, you know, I originally got into LARP because what happened was I woke up one day and I realized it had been seven years since I had sex. And I basically ate Funyuns and Squirt. And that was pretty much my diet. And I ate fast food a lot. And so what happened was I went to a museum when it was closed.

I stole a fucking curtain. And I cut a hole in it, put it over my head. And I put a bunch of, what do you call it, foam over a shower rod. And then I just started beating the shit out of my neighbor. And then I made a shield with a skull on it. And now I just realized I don't need pussy. I'm just going to start beating the shit out of other people who are going to come to the park with me. What am I doing?

Tessa Dever Noah, Dever Ona. Oh shit. I'm allergic to LARPing, I guess. Anyway. Wow. What do I think of that? I don't know. Hey dude, if you're having fun, have fun, do it. You're not hurting anyone, even even though you are because you're beating the shit out of somebody with a shower rod with fucking foam over it um this is something that dominic sever severino i feel like we've seen you before at dominic severino how do you feel about people who wear a beanie when they are at the gym working out but also they were wearing a singlet yeah i i don't understand if you that's that goes to. If you have shorts on but also a jacket, what's going on? Were you molested as a kid? What's going on?

You're confused? Is it hot or cold out? You got a beanie on and also a tank top? What you doing? What are you doing? Is it hot or cold? Make up your fucking mind. Imagine trusting somebody that is wearing a fucking tank top and also a beanie.

How could you trust that person? They don't even know if it's fucking hot or cold out. Oh, dude. And they're going to tell me, oh, you got to go see the second Avengers movie. It's awesome. Oh, I'm going to trust you? You don't even know if it's fucking, you don't even know what your body temperature is. That's like the guy who fucking has a truck and then gets the fucking thing that covers

the flatbed on the truck. Get an SUV. I'm going to trust what you say now? you don't even know what the fuck car you need also here's another one that goes with it system gamer which is obviously at chain cheat at chain cheat chrystalia chrystalia what about the car wide motorcycles At Chain Cheat. At Chain Cheat. Chris D'Elia. Chris D'Elia, what about the car-wide motorcycles trying to split lanes in LA traffic? Turn around, gaming the system. Congratulations.

You know what, dude? When I see a big-ass motorcycle with like that really, like they look like, it looks like a fucking Praying Mantis' head. That big-ass front. And the big-ass fucking globe headlight and their and the fucking bulky ass wheel covers and their and the music is playing really loud dude i i want you to understand i actually audibly laugh out loud when i see those guys drive by i laugh out loud and you're fucking embarrassing yourself. And you always got a beard.

Get a car. Cover yourself up. It's too wide. Hey, are you a motorcycle or J-Lo's ass? The only time you can sit on that motorcycle is if you're J-Lo. Because your ass is wide as shit. Dude, come on, man. You're going to get a motorcycle that wide?

You're going to get a motorcycle I can walk across it? Look at this person. Alex Meehan, at Alex Meehan. Crystalia, have you ever zipped your beans in your jeans? That saying drives me fucking nuts, but I have actually, not my jeans. I had a, when I was a kid, a young kid, I had on those, what do you call those onesies? And I zipped my fucking dick up and i fucking cried so hard my mom came in and i told her i zipped my dick up and she didn't fucking she was like oh it's okay and i was like you don't understand man you don't fucking understand you don't have a dick in my head in my little brain i was like you don't understand you don't have a dick but i you know i didn't say it dude i remember that shit how dumb you have to be to zip up your fucking dick in your

jeans by the way how dumb you have to be to have a onesie on and zip your dick up for real? And I've done it. That's how dumb I am. It didn't even bleed. My dick, you know why it didn't bleed? My dick was rock hard. No, it wasn't. But I have fucking tough skin.

I'm like Luke Cage. My dick is like the Luke Cage of dicks. When I zip my onesie up, I'd zip my dick up in my onesie. It just fucking, that's what Luke Cage would do. Actually, if he zipped up his dick in his jeans, he'd just go like this. Dude, my buddy Chappelle, who was opening for me in Tempe, Arizona, he was wearing a fucking t-shirt with, with holes in it. And, and he was black and I, and he's black and I didn't, and he didn't realize it. I was like, yo, why are you fucking dressed like Luke Cage?

And we laughed so hard. David Wright, at Pierce underscore Wright. What's your first name? Change it. Is it Pierce or David? I like how his fucking handle is way more British than the fucking regular one. Hi, I'm David Wright. Oh, Pierce, right?

Chris, what are your thoughts on gender reveal parties? Just tell everybody what the fuck it is, boy or girl. You don't need to have a cake. I hear that the bakers too, they're so stressed out because if they get like a little bit of pink from the inside on the outside, like of the box, if you open it up and there's pink in the box somewhere, you know on the inside it's pink and you know it's going to be a girl. You fucked it up. And it's not the baker's fault. It's your fault for having a fucking gender reveal party. Don't make it so goddamn hard for the baker to keep the food dye inside the fucking thing. Okay?

Also, just call everybody up. Hey, it's a boy. Send out a tweet. It's a girl. Make an email. It's going to be, I don't know yet. They'll decide when they're older because this country needs to be very, very liberal. But it'll have a dick and balls.

Yeah, so. I mean, not that one. It's crass, you know? So, yeah. Anyway. That's it, man. We're over an hour. I think we're good. We had a good, we had a fun show. And also we've got merch. I'm wearing one of these. If you see on the video, this is the Tired Eagle shirt. It fits well, as you can see. And when you sweat in it, it looks nice too, because I'm sweating my fucking balls off.

sweating it it looks nice too because i'm sweating my fucking balls off so um yeah we got uh also congratulations merchandise at the at the store crystalia.com um congratulations congratulations shirts we got yakuta shirts it's free conch shirts now you don't have to get these shirts because it's free con, but you can, and you can rep the podcast and spread the word of the cult. Spread the good word of the cult. So that was episode 35. Check out Movement Watches and get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats.

Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the to mvmt.com slash congrats. Square Cash, have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app, design your cash card, get it for iOS or Android now. Check out the new video episodes that we're doing and the clips on YouTube. It's very cool. They're very shareable. I take out some of the highlights of the week and we just have those video clips so you can see uh me talking about the shit and video episodes go up on thursdays if not before so here's the deal what you're not going to do is say hey where the fuck are the youtube videos because the fucking shit's going to come out tuesdays all right um up upcoming shows buy tickets on crystalia.com crystalia.com boone north carolina charlotte australia which

the cities that we have adelaide perth melbourne uh sydney brisbane that's in australia we've got columbus ohio coming up irvine san jose new date winnipeg that's gonna i think that's very close to that's gonna go quick winnipeg for some reason they fucking they come out uh you gotta watch man on fire if you haven't watch it now tell your friends to watch it that's the true word of the cult rate and review and tweet me on congrats pod or using hashtag a hashtag uh hashtag congratulations pod thank you listen um i'm not gonna keep doing this i genuinely mean this too i'm not gonna keep doing this fucking podcast if the numbers don't keep going up. So that's on you, man.

If you're a true baby or if you're a cult member, spread this word. Because I'm genuinely not going to keep doing it if the numbers don't go up. So, you know, men lie, women lie, numbers don't lie. In the great fucking philosopher Lil Wayne said. I think. So anyway. My babies, thanks for listening. You guys, you're the shit.

And remember, dude. That's how it is. Congratulations.