Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 356. He's In The Beans

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

😮 Get 10-word ads at holler.baby/chrisdelia 🎤 MY NEW SPECIAL: GROW OR DIE is here: chrisdelia.com/god 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: patreon.com/chrisdelia - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris is getting deep. So deep he makes it all the way to the beans of Kanye, Christmas, and candy.  Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: instagram.com/chrisdelia 🕺 TikTok: tiktok.com/@chrisdelia 🎮 Twitch: twitch.tv/flexavenue 🐥 Twitter: twitter.com/chrisdelia 👤 Facebook: facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it is me, Chris D'Elia, and I will be in Sacramento January 13th for two shows at the Crest Theater. Brea Improv, I will be there January 18th. Phoenix, January 20th. Then some shows in El Paso, Albuquerque, Kelowna, B.C., Vancouver, B.C. Two shows in Vancouver, B.C. We sold out the first one in February. And then March 1st, we got Rochester and Kitchener, Ontario, Shreveport, Louisiana.

And March 15th, we got Houston and Corpus Christi in Durham and Norfolk. We got a bunch of them. Go to chrislee.com to get tickets. And also, you can go to my, while you're there, at my website, go get the new special, Grow or Die. Go get that and stream it and watch it, download it, whatever you want. Appreciate it.

Self-made and all that, self-distributed. We love you guys. And other than that, here comes the next episode of Congratulations. Yo, it is, what is it? It is the day after Christmas. I did not release a thing on Christmas. I did not record on Christmas.

This is when I usually record on the Mondays. And then it's Tuesday now. I'm recording, so this will be a day later. You guys will probably be, for a day, you guys will be like, what happened? What's going on? I can't even believe what's going on in the congratulations community. But we are all good, and we are here, and we're just going to be a day late. Maybe I'll put out a video before this, let people know it'll be a day late.

But whatever. Sorry about that. You know, your boy took the day off, so sue me just gonna be a day late. Maybe I'll, maybe I'll put out a video before this, uh, let people know it'll be a day late, but whatever. Um, sorry about that. You know, your boy took the day off. So sue me. He took the day off. You don't want to do recording on, on, uh, on, uh, on Christmas. And he also didn't even want to do recording before that because he was in Arizona spending it with his in-laws.

Hey, what the heck? So sue him. Um, but yeah, he, uh, I went to, uh, Arizona and I then went to, uh, here to have Christmas with the family and is a beautiful thing. Um, Christmas was great. Hopefully you picked up some merch here. The, uh, grow or die t-shirt with the sword on it. Look at that, man.

It's nice too. I work out and it's sometimes it looks real good. My muscles get all beefy up into it and starts looking. The back is cool. It's like that. You is cool it's like that you know it's like that what is it metal kind of look but i it says grow or die anyway chrisley.com i i i i uh i have this and then somebody said great another guy who doesn't even listen to metal using the metal font so i don't even i i didn't even know it was metal font honestly until the guy said that so i just like the font what can i say dude i'm subconsciously metal you know what i'm saying subconsciously death metal dude um i'm too dry how about that y'all too dry

is that just what's up when am i when am i going to be dry in my right nostril and my throat? When? Does it happen, God? Because if it does, just let me know when. So I could write it out and I'd be like, well, I can have like an advent calendar for my dryness. Be like, oh, we got six, you know, even if it's six more years of dryness, whatever it is, dude, I'm so dry. I can't even believe it. My nose is constantly bleeding. Yes. And my throat constantly feels like it has cotton in it. Yes, dude. He's dry as shit. So I wake up and I have to, and I, and I, you know, I better, I'll tell you what, dude, I better have water on my night table. I better have that. I better have had the, uh, foresight to put not just one, but two bottles of water on

my night table. Cause guess what? Your boy's going to Johnny wakes up at 5 30 AM. I'm going to wake up at 5 30 AM and I'm going to be, it's like I'm going to have a throat full of cotton balls and a right nostril full of capillaries just bursting at the seams. So I wake up, bloody nose, can't talk, and let's just hope that I have at least two bottles of water. Because if I do, I could gulp it down and maybe I can get back to sleep. Maybe just maybe, but if I don't, he's got to get up. He's got to get up. And it's not, it's not just bad because you've got to get up to get water. He's got to get up

to, I can get up to do one thing and go back to sleep. If I get up to do two things, forget it. If I would get up and I got to go pee and get water, that's it. I'm up. I'm reached the age where if I wake up too early and have to do something, okay. If I have to do two things, forget it. And by the way, it could be the most minuscule things of all time. I could do one thing. I can go potty, but if I go potty, come back, look at my phone, even for a split second, and then get back in bed, I'm done, dude. I'm toast. I'm busted and dusted, dude. I'm roasted and toasted. And I just can't. So I don't look at my phone. I get up, I go potty. God, I hate waking up to go pee pee. I really hate waking up to go pee pee. I, God, I hate it so much and I'm dry. So it's all good. Anyway, how am I dry? But also I have to,

why don't I just use, why doesn't my body just use the pee pee to dehydrate myself? Doesn't work like that, right? We got to redo bodies. Um, but yeah, so look, so last Monday did an episode of congratulations and went to sleep, woke up and I had a fever. I don't know what, I was sick, but I was not really sick. It didn't feel all that bad. I was in bed for a day. I was in bed for a full day. Wow. That day, it feels like, that's so weird.

I actually did stay in bed all day, which I never do that. Never do that. I got out of bed at 6 p.m and then the next day I was kind of and then we left to go to my in-laws and I felt kind of better but still was like you know when you get that sick where you're like it's sick for like however many days the nucleus of it is. And then it hangs on. And so it hung on. And then it like morphed into just like a stomach thing. Forget it. And I don't like to be gross.

You know, I don't like to be gross. I don't like that kind of style of comedy or whatever, but Oh my God, dude. I mean, my number twos were bonkers. My number two, dude, I would sit down on the toilet and my butthole would go like this. Let's get into it. It was like, it was honestly like a death metal band. That's how it came out. And then I'd get, I'd be like, I band that's how it came out and then i'd get i'd be like i guess that's it did you ever go number two so hard and that you're so and it's so diarrhea and i don't you know i'm

not saying this was me it was but i'm saying generally when you go diarrhea and it comes out and dude you're it's coming out so liquidy and so i don't want to be gross and you can't stop it and it's just you're that you're so delirious that you're just like oh my god dude oh god you just start thinking of things like i gotta go to church i gotta start going to church not you're not even in a religious way. You're just like, I need more things to do. I gotta church and go. I gotta hike.

And I gotta church and hike. I should really wear more green. Kristen likes it. And it was... And, dude, you get up and I'd walk back out. I'd take about a few steps and I'd go like this. My boho would go like this. We aren't finished.

I mean, I'd have to moonwalk back to the bathroom because I couldn't afford time turning back around. It was unbelievable. Two days. Got better. Okay, got better. Your boy got cocky. All right, now what's that mean, had a full Christmas dinner, and then had another Christmas dinner, had a Christmas dinner,

fully at 5.30, and then I go like this, damn, I'm hungry, and Christy says, don't make, don't make, don't order food, I'll just make you a plate, she made me a plate, dude. Hey, nothing's doper than when your girl makes you a plate. So I go, all right. Housed it. Then guess what? Oh, let's just check the freezer. Let's just check it. Huge tub of chocolate ice cream.

Let's just eat some of it. Ate all of it. Well, left a few bites. Went upstairs. Dude. a few bites went upstairs dude roll out my i'm talking about dude oh we're back you know what i'm talking about like fully back in business with the number two do i have that they go like this oh dude oh you thought that was it? Come on.

And it's not working. Sound plan ain't working. All good. Boy, this app really doesn't work a lot. That's great. I'll play it again. So, yeah, dude. My tummy was like, run it back, dude. Run it back.

And then that's fine dude and the toilet on the on the on the in the you know porcelain i don't want to be gross but i'm gross whatever i talk about like this is the life um straight up told by the way last time in oxnard uh did of 17 i told a story about going number two and i was like dude i'm just gonna do this i don't know if it's funny or not dude it was a full 17 minute story about me going number two 17 minutes and it was awesome i might have included my eye but oh i had a 17 minute of going like that's what I wanted to do hey I'm done I'm done I'm gonna go number two oops never mind um so Christmas was great Calvin got a bounce house uh Santa brought him a bounce house which is awesome Santa it was santa did that and um i when your kid turns like three and a half and then you have another kid which is what happened

with me i we had uh we had we had calvin three and a half uh two three years later we had billy and billy is now eight months, and Calvin is almost four. And Calvin is at the point where he loves opening presents. When he gets his presents, it's game on. And then what happens? Billy opens a present. And it's like the most rudimentary. It's like put it in a block on a block.

That's a present for him. Infant toys are bullshit, by the way. They're so, it's such a racket. They'll just be like, yeah, put it together. It doesn't matter what it is. Put a on it and then a balloon shape and then a star and something with a string on it that they can pull it about an inch and that's a toy and it costs like you know $20

and you just buy it and your infant will just you know just smack it and I guess that's the point he's not turning the key in it like there's a key in it and i'm like i know you're eight months but turn the key in it doesn't start anything but at least and he doesn't turn the keys just and it's a box with like a string and a key and then a like a a triangle in it that you can press a little bit and then two of those popper things.

And so, like, I'll get this for Billy, and we'll unwrap it. Honestly, you shouldn't do Christmas for an infant, I just realized. You should just do Christmas starting at three. Two even. Calvin last year, I mean, I guess it was nice, but he didn't really know what was going on. Now he gets it. But, like, dude, we got Billy ay a few presents and he opened them and he's smacking them around and then calvin's like looking at he's with his presence and then go look over billy's like

he wants billy's presence he's like i want that and billy starts crying we're like hey buddy got a share come on buddy you got a share and he's like i want that one i'll give him this and then gives him like a shoe. Here, he'll play with this. Give him my shoe. And I got to leave. I'm like, where are my shoes? And he's like, Billy's playing with it.

You can't leave. Billy's playing with it. So anyway, dude, Christmas was good, though. Had the whole family over. Dad, mom, aunt, uncle, cousins. uh it was good man christmas is uh my favorite holiday and it was the first christmas that i've been with my family that was normal in probably three years because of covid and then i was in rehab and then um it's weird though I think giving gifts

you know what I'm going to say dude here it is god I never thought I'd say this I'm a bitch for saying this and I remember when I was a kid thinking nah never be me giving gifts is just as good as receiving gifts

fuck dude I'm selfless Just as good as receiving gifts. Fuck, dude. I'm selfless. Fuck. Fuck, man. He wanted to be selfish, but your boy done fucking grown up. I'm pissed about it. Do you understand the joy I got from getting gifts?

Fuck. And now I like giving them just as much. Oh, God damn it, dude. I hate that about me. It sucks, man. And guess why it sucks? Because it's awesome. Man, I remember when I came down to this thing and Santa brought the Masters of the Universe Castle of Greyskull.

Nothing was better than that nothing when i came down and i got that board game crossfire crossfire dude when i came down and i got the laser tag shit nothing was Nothing was better. Nothing. Until I got my son air rocket launchers. He opened them up and he played with them all day and he had fun. And guess what, dude? I had fun. Oh, shit. You boy done grown up. And I didn't want to want to and i don't i want to go back by the way i know what is it about that i want to have that first fun again but i can't like

nobody's somebody gave me castle grayskull right now for he-man you know i open it up it wouldn't be fun maybe i'll have a little bit of nostalgia. Be like, oh, I remember this. Oh shit. Yeah. Look at Battle Cat. The way he goes in there. There's the jaw bridge.

But dude, I'd rather give my son a bounce house. I'd rather give my other infant child a little, you know, I guess they'd have to be three because my infant child doesn't appreciate the shit, you know, and that's no fault to his own, but like, fuck, I like giving just as much as receiving. Now, when it comes to sex, though, and that's why I have an intimacy problem. So there we go. There we go. There we go. Really got to figure that one out. I'm on it. 2024. New Year's resolutions. You got New Year's resolutions like a jackass? You got a New Year's resolution like a jackass that's going to fail? Don't even have one. Do it now. This probably doesn't come out until... No, this will come out, yeah. Before New Year's. Do

it now, dude. Wow, I ate so bad over the break, though And because I was sick and I was with my in-laws and I was going to work outside and it was raining in Phoenix. I didn't work out for fucking 10 days, dude. What I want today, you know, just move the bones a little bit. As Christopher Lloyd said, when I shot a movie with him way back in 1999, I saw him in the hotel gym. I said, Hey, what are you doing here? said oh just moving the bones keeping the bones moving think about it all the time dude so um yeah dude i can't believe i like giving gifts that sucks dude i'm i betrayed myself i'm a bitch i never thought when i was a kid i used to think like people say giving is like receiving it's just as as good. And I go as a kid, I go like this.

Nah, that'll never be me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I figured out life and I did, by the way, when I was, nobody knew more than anything than me when I was eight. And then you grow up as you grow up, you learn how you fucking start not knowing more shit. You know everything. When you're fucking 15, you know everything. And then after that, it's like you start figuring out a little bit too much and you start not knowing stuff. It sucks. It's like the more you know, the less you know. If we could just stay that age, dude, and just be the smartest, you know how much, how if, dude, if, if we just grow to be 15 years old do you know how far society would be like that meme with the futuristic stuff and the cars would

be flying we would be living to be 150 even though we'd be living to be 15 we there'd be no cancer hiv there'd be no nothing covid be a thing of past. People wouldn't even be having sex anymore. They'd be doing that thing that they did in Demolition Man where they put the glasses on and they just go, ah, ah, and they sit next to each other and they have orgasms, but they don't even have to copulate. Ah, ah, there'd be nobody in the world anymore because you'd just be, you know what I'm saying? Doing it by yourselves, but it seemed like you're actually having intercourse, but you're not, but you're just sitting there in those pods. And dude, pretty soon the population will be under control.

Because everybody's having so many kids, you know? Even me. Turned on Jingle All The Way. I think Jingle All The Way is my favorite Christmas movie. The Tibberman. Although I do like, I tried to put on another one,

A Christmas Story, or A Christmas, just shoot your eye out, you know. Kristen never saw that. I tried to watch it and then, I don't want to honestly watch anything anymore, man. What about that? Thanks, TikTok. I don't want to watch anything anything anymore man What about that? Thanks TikTok

I don't want to watch anything more Thanks Reels I don't want to watch anything more Thanks people who don't use the millennium gap Thanks the millennial gap Thanks guys The millennials I don't know what the hell it's called

How millennials start videos when they're like this Hi They fucking swipe out dude you gotta start in the middle of a word of what I was talking about that's how a video would talk what did I miss pretty soon videos are

going to be after the video it's just gonna be some guy's gonna be like the end and you're gonna be like that was awesome content um it's just going to be some guy who's going to be like, the end, and you're going to be like, that was awesome content. Um, I just don't know anymore. We all got to be more like this.

How about this? Swiss city considers legalizing cocaine for recreational use in pilot program. Uh, recreational use in pilot program. They say war on drugs has failed, quote. How about how that's not the way to do it, you know? I mean, look, if you're going to legalize cocaine, legalize cocaine, but not because the war has failed you dipshits you know or at least don't say that i guess they could tax it now at least right did they even have taxes over there who knows but like that's like being like oh yo dude there's too many serial killers just it's fine if

you kill more than two people it's legal just you can't just kill two it's too hard there's too many let's just make sure we tax axes and and and ricin the capital of switzerland is considering launching a pilot program to test the legal sale of cocaine how hilarious you know what i bet that people i mean besides the reals, the allure of doing it would go away. You know what I'm saying? Like, my wife doesn't care if I eat sweets. But, like, if she went to bed and she was like, remember now, don't eat any sweets. Guess who's eating sweets?

Guess who's not telling her. I don't even give a fuck if I just have a Lifesavers. They're all mine. God, what bitch ass eats Lifesavers? Right? And not the minty kind. Minty kind, mint. Okay, I get it.

You need a mint. Bro, fruit Lifesavers? What? What kind of fucking bullshit candy is that? Are they even around anymore? Yeah, they have to be. Lifesavers, dude. The cocksucking...

The balls to call them lifesavers, dude. That's some 1950s... Oh, because they're the shape of lifesavers. Okay, I guess it's fine. But the reason why they did it is because of the double entendre, you know it. So we can still be mad. I just don't know. Dude, I haven't eaten candy. I haven't eaten candy in so long. I ate candy the other day. It was after Halloween. I had some laying down. I'm not talking about chocolate, chocolate dude I'm talking about like smarty sweet tarts sour gummy and I

go like this I'm like man I haven't had one of these in years what did I say it was like a sour something you know what it was a sour burger like I don't know why they make everything it's like it was like this big and it was like a gummy sour gummy burger. Like too many foods involved, and it was too confusing. I'm like, I'm going to eat this. I bet I hate it. I ate it, dude. Guess what I did after that? Ate four more sour gummy burgers.

Bro, you haven't had candy in a while? Eat some candy. It'll blow your fucking mind. My buddy, when I was younger, he used to say, yo, yo, I don't eat anything they make in a lab, and I was like, all right, man, and it kind of stuck with me, guess what, though, dude, now I eat stuff that they make in a lab, that candy was so good, and I ate it, dude, and I ate Smarties, and I ate sour gummy burgers, oh, shit, man, it was good, candy is so good, and it sucks, it sucks that it's so good, because it's so bad for you but that's

nature fucking doing its thing isn't it i used to think why is yo here's what it means to grow up i used to think why is the good food for your bad if the bad if why is the good why is the bad food for you tastes good if it does bad things to you wouldn't biologically and evolutionary wouldn't us as we evolve grow to like the stuff that's good for us more than the stuff that's bad for us wouldn't we i mean we've been alive for so many thousands of hundreds of millions of years whatever i don't know how long but But I mean, it wasn't just me, our generation. There was our parents and then our grandparents and our grandparents' grandparents and our grandparents' grandparents' grandparents.

You could do it to where you say grandparents so many different times. And then all of those, like all of our grandparents' grandparents' grandparents' grandparents, they all couldn't biologically and evolutionarily figure it out to where Reese's peanut butter cups was the new salad. And I go, that's. So now I'm like, well, how can I believe in science?

And then I go like this. Oh, it's not just us. That's nature's way. What about the earth? They don't want us here. We're fucking the earth up. So it's the earth's fault that sugar is bad for you and earth makes us feel like it tastes good.

Yo, sometimes he's so deep, deep, deep in the fucking vortex of the truth that it is just unreal. Sugar's good because we're bad for the earth and the earth needs us to get cancer so the earth can still be the earth as long as it needs to be. Sometimes he's so deep in the vortex of truth that people just all turn into the Wee Bay meme like this.

Oh, that D'Elia boy, he's got a real... Say what you want about me, but do not say I'm not in the vortex of truth. Deep, deep on the seven layer dip of... I mean, I am in the beans of the vortex

of truth. Do you know what I'm saying? All y'all live on the sour creams. Go ahead. Go ahead. All y'all live on the cheese and the sour cream. Venture to the guac sometimes. Sometimes you may venture to the guac. Your boy lives in the beans, in the beans level of the vortex of truth. In the beans level of the vortex of truth. So when you come to this podcast, be prepared to dig past the guacamole. Get your diving suit on.

Get your sour cream diving suit on. Wee, here we go. The reason why Reese's peanut butter cups taste good is because the earth needs us to get cancer. He said it. I mean, dude, why are people not understanding what I'm saying? They are. They are. The babies are.

See, this is why I say it's a cult. Because the people who understand it, we ride, dude. We ride. We ride. And I'll tell you what we do. We ride on our enemies, too. Just like Tupac did, man. We ride on our enemies. But anyway, Christmas wasmas was nice dude speaking of rappers kanye uh actually first before the even kanye thing

he apologized final by the latest apology ever you know eh mine took about nine months but um nice are you venturing into the fashion industry and is uh him going to be abused am i venturing into the fashion industry? Did you see this coat? Yep. That's a great coat, dude. That's an old video, but he is,

he made an apology, dude, for saying all the Jew stuff. And he wrote it in Hebrew. He wrote it in, that's pretty wild he did that. Or somebody just wrote cap, you know. Translated it means, I sincerely apologize to the Jewish community for any unintended outbursts caused by i mean unintended he did it 150 times you know it was a jewish doctor that's my favorite

one um caused by my words or actions it was not my intention to offend or demean respected and i deeply regret any pain i may have caused. I am committed to starting with myself and learning from this experience to ensure greater sensitivity and understanding in the future. Your forgiveness is important to me and I am committed to making amends and promoting unity. You know what's funny is, like if you take the flip side of this,

think about like, you know, promoting obviously anti-Semitic rhetoric. Yeah, okay. It's obviously like, just no hate. Just, you know, promoting obviously anti-Semitic rhetoric. Yeah. Okay. It's obviously like just no hate. Just, you know, don't, don't. Imagine the guy who took what Kanye said to the next level in this instance. You know what I'm talking about?

Like that's the most darkly silly, like to be like, you know what? You know what you know what dude i actually i was fine with jews to be like i was fine with jews up until kanye you know he's making a lot of sense like the fact that people are upset at him and but then you're like okay well everyone in the third reich was absolutely mentally unstable so you know it's like okay you don't have to be not crazy to make a difference. That's the truth. God, he fucking is in the beans again. I'm sorry I'm in the beans. I might just sit in the beans this whole episode.

But, dude, you don't have to be not crazy to make a difference. God damn it. He's in the beans. Oh, fuck. D'Elia's in the beans again. What's the, what's the, how many, what's in seven layer? Seven layer. But dude, I bet there's eight layer dip.

Seven layer dip. What is in it? What's in it? Here we go. Here we go. Oh, shit. Do you count olives as a, hey, do you count olives as a topping? Is it a topping or is it a layer? If it's just a topping, shit. Do you count olives as a... Hey, do you count olives as a topping? Is it a topping or is it a layer?

If it's just a topping, okay. But if it's not, it's eight layers. And he's in the beans even further. Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sour cream. He's way past the sour cream.

He's way... I'll tell you what. If they put a dollop of cream cheese in there, he's past that. He's past... Dude, it's spread over. The salsa, forget it. He went... a dollop of cream cheese in there, he's past that. He's past this. Dude, it's spread over. The salsa. Forget it. He went.

Dude, you should have seen how fast he went past the salsa. And the tomato and the bell pepper, green onions and lettuce over the top. Oh, God. Did they put cheddar cheese in it? Is it garnish and black olives? He's in the beans. So, yeah, dude. You don't have to be not crazy to make a difference

some people think like you know what do you call it perseverance you got to have that to a crazy degree not really though if you just go at a steady pace and you keep moving this is why you know this is why the tortoise won steady pace keep moving you'll get there dude

you'll get there look at Rick Glassman everyone thought he was crazy and his podcast is amazing um but he's not crazy well he's crazy but um he's a crazy person but but we love him we love him all the same he's a good friend and we love him um so yeah so wait let's look it was a jewish doctor let's see if we can find that that should be on youtube right what would it be kanye jewish i'm just gonna say jewish doctor kanye jewish doctor we've already talked about this but it's so funny wow oh here it is kanye west oh god we West continues his anti-Semitic,

anti-Jewish tie. No. You got it? Doctor, that diagnosed me. You got it? Would you put it on the thing? Here we go.

Here it is. You always find the clips, Ivan. Alright, here we go. How do you find these so quick? Okay, here we go. Here it is. You always find the clips, Ivan. All right, here we go. How do you find these so quick? Okay, here we go. The thing about the red hat that drove me to a point of exhaustion, which was misdiagnosed by a, I'm not going to say what race, what people, doctor, and what hospital, and what media it went to. We know I can't say that.

It was a Jewish doctor. Dude, the music afterwards. Dude, that is some David Brent shit for real. It was a Jewish doctor. I mean, dude, couldn't help himself. Anyway, that was my favorite. That's probably my favorite Conley clip. Dude, that new fucking Kanye song that they didn't clear yet

because it's got the Backstreet Boys thing on it. Holy shit, it's so good until he says Pink in the Stink. It's so good until he says, and then he says Burger King. You're the king, Burger King. But dude, that's so good until he says and then he says burger king you're the king burger king but dude that's so so bad but before that oh my god when they go everybody yeah yeezy's back tonight dude that's so ill god i gotta get good at singing talia's back. Dude, I should have had that on my fucking special, dude. Yo, Kobe Bryant. That's Mamba campaign.

Kobe Bryant. Nike's still doing the Mamba shoes with kobe bryant um they're doing the new campaign let me tell you something man i don't know if it's because i'm an old head or what but kobe bryant shoes just i have one. And they're just not that good, man. I hate to say it because, you know. But God, dude, the fucking Jordans and Yeezy, you know. But these fucking Grinch sneakers that they're talking about. With the Kanye, with the, the Kanye with the just bad,

the black Mamba. They're just, I don't, I can't imagine putting these on, but whatever. How about, uh, I watched,

um, hunger games. Uh, How about I watched Hunger Games? The new one? And I go like this. Look, I'm a Hunger Games fan, okay? I like the franchise. It might be one of my top franchises. Like, I don't give a fuck dude

right i'm not holier than thou i get when i say sometimes i say uh hey you know uh i really like the hunger games franchise sometimes people go what that's the name you're gonna bring up and i go yeah it's good first of all jennifer lawrence is top notch she's so good at acting uh and it's action-packed it's dystopian it takes place in the future it's like what else do you want donald sutherland's in it it's like he you know he's he's one of those guys that's in movies right now where you watch and you're like he's still alive i'm like what do you what do you want you know god how much much is Donald Sutherland someone that would die on Christmas? But like Shakespeare did that. I swear

to God, that's... Next year Christmas, Donald Sutherland croaking out. So Hugh Hefner's a guy who would die on Christmas. He died already, but not on Christmas. But... So... When did Hugh Hefner die? Oh yeah yeah i thought you're looking at me um so i'm watching hunger games and i go like this i see there's a so here's the thing

always make the prequel don't even fuck with sequels all right hunger games made some nice sequels that wasn't like the scorch trials or whatever the fuck that thing was remember that one with uh the dylan guy what is it maze runner that was good the first one and then it was like what are you doing after that go hunter games figured it out all right i'm telling you they figured it out and then i go but but here's the thing here's the thing if you's the thing. If you make a dope movie, make the prequel. Way more interesting to see how the people that you loved watching got there than it is to see more different people after the other people already died. We don't care. God, he's in the fucking beans. But when I make too much sense, that's where I am.

Hey, look. Look up. Hey, look up. It's guacamole. So I'm, I'm, I'm watching the hunger games, the prequel now. So they did three movies, bang up job, dude. All right. Yeah, the first one is the best. Second one was fine. Third one was fine. And I'm telling you, if the third one's fine, you did it. All right? Look at Matrix.

Matrix 1 is one of the best movies of all time. Matrix 2 is in the top 6 billion movies. is in the top 6 billion movies. Matrix 3 is in the top 25 billion movies. And then the new Matrix is the worst movie you've ever seen right behind Wonder Woman 1984. And Christmas, Bloody Christmas, which is about a killer robot Santa

that I tried to watch the other night. But dude, I turn on Hunger Games, whatever the fuck the new one is called, the bird and the hen or whatever the hell, you know, it's probably something like that. Songbirds versus snakes and snakes, whatever. First of all, entirely too much singing in the fucking new hunger. I like what's happening. Hey, is it a musical? Hey dude. Okay. So the lead is a singer. Fine. Two songs. Hey, is this, hey, are you in the Jets?

Is this West Side Story? Hey, what the fuck is this? Hamilton? Two song limit. All right? It's like, Jesus Christ. She spent so much time singing. And I'm like, here's the thing.

I turn on the Hunger Games. I'm going to call it the Hunter i turn on the the hunger games i'm gonna call it the hunter games i meant the hunger games i turn it on the fucking i see the lead actress and i go like this yo this woman i bet is so annoying right she's like 20 or something you know um and i'm sitting there and every time she comes on the screen i'm like man she must look like somebody that like rubs me the wrong way or something she she looks so annoying then i go like this wait a minute is she the and i still don't know but let me just Let me find out right now. Snow White interview. Controversy. No.

Rachel Zegler. Here we go. Is that her? Yeah. Ray. Yep. See? I knew it.

It's amazing what the fucking subconscious will do. I knew I saw, in the middle of the movie I go like this, I saw a clip of this chick being fucking annoying dude my subconscious is the shit dude so I figured Snow White didn't she do the annoying here it is

here it is let's get past the ads cause I'm never signed into fucking my youtube plus even though i have youtube plus out the anus dude but i'm never signed in um a new modern age uh so rachel zegler and gal gadot on bringing a new modern edge not age to snow white stay when am i not crying in public it's's so upsetting. Why were you crying? Oh my gosh. I saw the, well,

I didn't even, we didn't even see. This is fine. But I saw the logo and I went, that's my name. Snow White's up there. This is very sweet.

My eyes out. That's sweet. What was it like seeing yourself for the first time in full Snow White dress? Oh, a snake,

that guy. Full Snow White dress. Here, this is the part I think. What I know and what I'm used to. I think this is it because it's the most replayed. So foreign. I super enjoyed it. You said you were bringing a modern edge to it on stage.

What do you mean by that? I mean, this guy's voice. He's like the lead guy in that Chicago fire show. I just mean that it's no longer 1937. And we absolutely wrote a Snow White. She's not going to be saved by the prince. that is not going to be saved by the prince she's not going to be saved by the prince and she's not going to be dreaming about true love she's dreaming about becoming the leader she knows she can be and the leader that her late father told her that she could be if she was fearless all right so it's still about doing

what you can to make a dude happy only he happens to be your dad and dad. Dude. Whoa. Whoa. We don't know, dude. We don't know. And I'll tell you what, man. I don't know. You know, this is fine. You know, it wasn't as bad as I remember it.

It's fine. She's probably a sweetheart. But man, I remember. And I'm watching Hunger Games and I go, what the fuck? And then I say to Chris and I say, is this the fucking chick that's playing snow white and she goes oh i think it might be and i said that's why i think that my subconscious came through dude i love when my subconscious comes through man thank you subconscious you're very welcome me thank you me um anyway she sang too much in the a great voice. She's talented, no doubt, but got a great voice, but it's too much singing.

And I'm watching The Hunger Games, and I'm like, this is going to suck because the first three were good. How many times can you make it good? Bro, an hour into the movie, I go I go Well I'll be damned I'll be damned Hunger Games You fucking did it again didn't ya Not loud enough Um Let me do it again

Wow Hunger Games You did it again. Wow, Hunger Games. You did it again, didn't you? Whoops. And hit the DJ Khaled one. Don't even know how to... Okay. You get it. Those keys are too close together, but it's all good.

All right. Make it stop. Well, it's all good. I think it stopped it stop. Well, it's all good. I think it stopped now. We don't need three of them. Oh, it's O. There we go. Okay.

There's no way it's going to bomb. Anyway, I watch the hour in. I go, all right. I go, all right. Then my buddy, buddy. i say buddy because we correspond online burn go i don't want to mess up his last name i say buddy like a fucking burn gorman showed up i love the dude great actor uh and he's in hunger games and he kills it and dude he does that acting where it's like,

I want to do it so bad, where you just are kind of screaming a little bit, but more you're more controlled, but you still mean what you say, but you've obviously got a backstory that maybe the actor created. I don't know if Byrne did that himself, but he was just like feeling it.

You know, he's good. What can you say? He's good. feeling it you know he's good what can you what can you say he's good um i watched gran torino or what was that gran torino the movie the video game movie yeah oh yeah gran torino's the other one the what's his name clint eastwood where he says fucking asian slurs all the time in the movie. It's just an excuse. Dude, it's so weird to write, direct, and star in a movie

where you just play a racist guy. You know? It's like, yeah. Yeah. You know? You are racist, though. Also, if you're 90 and white and you're racist, this is just how it has to be.

Also, everybody's racist a little bit and it's okay. It doesn't mean I won't have black friends. It doesn't mean I won't have Asian friends. But the second the shit pops off, we're the whites at. That's all I'm saying, dude. We're the whites at. And not in a racist way. We don't really know.

You know what? I don't know. Never mind. I take it back, dude. I don't love... Whites are all right. Whites kind of are annoying sometimes, man, honestly. Whites are...

They're such... They're bitchy, you know? Most woke people are white, which is like... I hate that. Like... What's this? Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fight okay this guy i mean so bog this is bagua eagle form if whatever this guy is

if the whole world got into a fight this guy would come in sixth i mean this is the the wow dude this guy would be in sixth place and the whole world fight it'd be this guy and then like you know he'd die the fifth place would kill him right tonight i worked on some of the eagle bagua form also known as the bagua hawk form. It is a fire element in Chinese. Dude, anytime they start talking about the elements and shit and fighting, it's like, you don't really, it's not a thing. Bagua, you know?

Made it up. Bro. You've had implants in your cheeks oh god you've had a dimple made in your chin you've had your lips enlarged you've had your eyelids reconstructed singing it's true. Ow! None of it's true. It's BS. They made it up. They lie. They don't want to give me credit for anything. One paper said I had each, because I was growing a little beard,

he had each little hair transplanted into his face with a laser, lasered in. How ignorant is that? I mean, yo, he looked crazy i'm actually i haven't looked at michael jackson in i mean a long time like really looked at him this is wild i can't even grow a beard now oh this is this is from the south park shit we're like no you're ignorant come on please you're ignorant ignorant fool who wrote such a you've had implants in your cheeks oh god this is like why don't they fucking press the rock on steroids you know like this is how i love i think about this you had a dimple made in your chin you've had your lips enlarged you've

had your eyelash eyelids reconstructed eyelids he saidids, he said. He was so nervous. Stupid. None of it's true. None of it's true. He just grew up like that? None of it's true. It's BS. They made it up. I think he looks amazing, honestly. Bro. I'm sorry. I'm gonna say it.

Beatboxing is fucking so stupid, dude. I'm sorry I'm gonna say it beatboxing is fucking so stupid dude it's so gargantuanly stupid am I alone on this beatboxing is just like you're alone

you don't have love oh shit when i see somebody good at beatboxing i go like this oh oh when you see someone beatboxing go like this real loud oh it's it's just beyond dude and then there's stuff like and then there's groups dude hey Hey, groups? Hey, a quadrant? Hey, a quadrant of you guys? Just outside at a mall somewhere? Dum-dum-dum-da-da, dum-dum-dum-da-da. One of you guys is that guy, you know?

A-boom, a-boom. Pfft, pfft. When they do this kind of shit, know a quadrant of you okay that guy's actually not even b-day b-box calling out mayday calling out mayday calling out mayday okay all right i don't mean to be racist but the trumpet The trumpet. Okay, dude, that's so dope, but... Yo, you're so good. For real.

Develop relationships, though. Nothing. me nothing what if a beatbox was so good that we got copyright struck this is a contest dude Oh, send it to you? Oh, right. Yeah, I got to send it to you.

Dude. Dude, that guy did the zipper. That's four dudes right there wow how did he do that but oh you know i'm saying it's pretty legit but don't do it wait there it is um i just can't really get on the The fact that people are still doing it is the craziest thing, dude! It's not 1987 anymore! They got real good at it. Pretty soon, though, they're just going to...

That Asian guy was so dope. That Asian guy was so dope. Here we go. I don't want to put it. I'm going to learn how to do this. And do it on fucking dates with my wife. Dude, baby, I've been working on this thing. I want to spark the love back into our relationship.

Calling out, baby. Just a waiter. Would you like more bread? Sorry, dude. I was beatboxing. Hey, listen to me now. Just fucking... Oh, shit. Oh, sweetie, dude.

I know. Sorry. Thank you for coming and meeting me at dinner. I don know i've just been swamped man i've been doing my podcast and all that stuff but anyway what do you think you don't want for dinner and she starts answering and just listen listen to me now calling out mayday just fucking with enchiladas in front of me dude it's all good dude it's so good it's all right all day all night back when hip-hop used to just they Do they still do that on the radio?

All day. All day and all night. Or how about when they would do the... Oh, guess who's back in the mother-frank of house with a fat calf for your mouth. Mouth. If she gets skinless, think it's due to... It's's just and you're just oh oh okay uh i'll just buy the cd back then

our swear words they gotta go away by the way they're who cares anymore you know I was listening to a clip song the other day Because my son has Key cards They're just credit cards They're old like the Y cards Whatever those sizes And he says I got key cards dad

And he was bringing them around And then I was like Keys open doors Keys open doors Keys open doors, keys open doors Keys open, keys open, keys Open doors, by Clips And he wanted to listen to it all the time And Calvin was like

They're saying Bad Woods, and it was so cute I was like, ah, it's just a song, don't worry about it Um But Keys open doors oh this guy ate this guy ate eating

eating eating eating so casually eating I tell you what dude if I fucking could dance like this i'd have 35 illegitimate children like i yo i would be all i needed if i would if i could dance like this bro i would be dead i would be so He's so... This guy's so dope. If I could dance like that, my life would be so different. I mean it.

I would be in Europe. No, fuck that. I'd be in New Guinea. Just living a life. You would never... I would not be famous. People would just be... It would be...

Have you ever heard... Remember that guy? I was one of those guys. Remember that guy that fucking... Dude, he moved to New Guinea. Really? The guy who fucking would dance, would do the shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he lives in New Guinea now.

Really? Uh-huh. Guess what? What? He's the leader of a tribe. What? Yeah. The guy that looked like a bird.

Yeah. Really? He's the leader of a tribe in new in in new guinea in tunisia god that guy ate i eat um dude eight is so stupid yo this is so. People are sending me this because they're saying this guy looks like he's related to me. But who is this guy? And he is insane. That's my fucking problem.

And yes, I like to fuck. And that's my fucking problem. Other than that, I've got no fucking problems. So I guess I'll spend the rest of my life solving that final one. Every day. I mean. Gangster slay. What?

My way. Oh, two cats. And a wink at the end. This guy has never been invited to a Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, I am telling you, this guy has never been invited to a thanksgiving dinner i mean i am telling you i'm this guy has never he is this is a guy who because he has social media now people know who he is in the 90s this dude would be homeless on the streets unbelievable this guy's never been invited to a Thanksgiving dinner. I like bad bitches. That's my fucking problem. And yes, I like to fuck.

And that's my fucking problem. Other than that. The way he's talking about also like scratching is, that's my fucking problem. Insane. And on the thing it says, for my horny little island girl. I got no fucking problems.

So I guess I'll spend the rest of my life solving that final one. Every day. The first one's bad, but the second one? The second one is killer, bro. The second one is just like, oh, no, what is he doing? He did not eat. He did not eat. did not eat he didn't eat uh all right uh that's wild i'll be in sacramento get your tickets brea california phoenix arizona el paso uh albuquerque new mexico colona bc, BC, Vancouver, BC, Rochester, New York. We've got a bunch of different dates.

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